PhoenixxFire's VCE journey

[Poet]

Heya,

I’m in a bit of a weird mood today. Feeling quite reflective.

Man, this is the #MoodoftheMonth (or year lol) - we're reaching the finish line, and it's a serious period of transition. Don't sweat being in a weird mood, or feeling like something you say might be judged - it won't. And to elaborate on this point:

I’ve been reflecting on the role AN has on the expectations other people have of me, expectations they have of how I will do in VCE specifically. I don’t really know what you guys expect of me. Does anyone, really? But these perceived expectations have been bothering me a bit, and I think that’s something I should talk about. To be honest, I feel extremely unqualified to be giving anyone advice. I’ve been reminded of this today especially. My teacher found out that I got modded on here (not from me though lol) - he says he didn’t realise that I had kept involved with biology stuff, and he was reminded of something he used to do - get past students to give advice to his current bio class. He asked me if I was okay with coming in and answering their questions about studying etc. I said yes. Of course I would help other people. Why wouldn’t I? But I realised I felt a bit uncomfortable about it and I couldn’t really pinpoint why.

I’ve realised that it’s because I feel so unqualified to be giving advice - I’m just a year 12 student, who says that I know how to study any better than they do? Why would my way of studying be any better than what they’re currently doing? But that’s not really the point is it? It’s not that they’re going to do exactly what I did and it’s going to work perfectly for them. What I did didn’t work perfectly for me! I realise now some of the things that I could have done differently which would have worked better for me, but I’m sure there’s other things I don’t even know about that may have worked even better. And that is what I’m really getting at here.

Despite my hatred of expectations, I had set expectations of myself and they weren’t at all realistic. I expected myself to be perfect - felt that I needed to do well in everything in order to be ‘qualified’ to give anyone advice. Given the type of people that AN is known to attract, this is obviously a bit of a problem. Someone else got a higher study score than me, are they more qualified to give advice than I am? I don’t know the answer to that. I don’t think there is an answer to that. Who am I to judge how useful advice is?

First of all, expectations are a *universal* peeve. What we see of someone isn't always what's true - but, on the flipside, expectations have a basis. You've done so well in previous assessments, and this feeling of uncertainty is probably (speaking from personal experience) the knowledge that you have "no excuse to fail", at least in your own mind. As a role model on AN, this is also true. As a moderator, and someone basically idolised for their selfless work (like damn, you go girl), you don't see the expectations as particularly valid, in a sense, because you don't really see what we see.

Along with that is the fact that we here know that you'll do your best - and for better or for worse, in your own opinion, doing your best is all that matters. We would never ask you for a specific score - this community you're a part of doesn't care about that. And neither should others in your life. Doing well in one thing is no guarantee - every day is different, every subject, every year and, most of all, every person. Focus on you, and you alone. Not the perceived expectations of others, or any crap beating you down. Your positivity and determination still shines through, and as long as you keep pushing, you'll get there.

We respect and care for you here, Phoenixx. There hasn't been a single time I've disagreed with one of your biology answers, and I doubt anyone who had a different opinion wouldn't speak up just because you're there. You are selfless, you are kind, and you are intelligent. And I love that you can see that.

Take care of yourself - it's a beautiful day, and you're part of it. xoxo

[Bri MT]

Spoiler

Now’s the bit I’m expecting mixed reactions on I’ve been reflecting on the role AN has on the expectations other people have of me, expectations they have of how I will do in VCE specifically. I don’t really know what you guys expect of me. Does anyone, really? But these perceived expectations have been bothering me a bit, and I think that’s something I should talk about. To be honest, I feel extremely unqualified to be giving anyone advice. I’ve been reminded of this today especially. My teacher found out that I got modded on here (not from me though lol) - he says he didn’t realise that I had kept involved with biology stuff, and he was reminded of something he used to do - get past students to give advice to his current bio class. He asked me if I was okay with coming in and answering their questions about studying etc. I said yes. Of course I would help other people. Why wouldn’t I? But I realised I felt a bit uncomfortable about it and I couldn’t really pinpoint why.

I’ve realised that it’s because I feel so unqualified to be giving advice - I’m just a year 12 student, who says that I know how to study any better than they do? Why would my way of studying be any better than what they’re currently doing? But that’s not really the point is it? It’s not that they’re going to do exactly what I did and it’s going to work perfectly for them. What I did didn’t work perfectly for me! I realise now some of the things that I could have done differently which would have worked better for me, but I’m sure there’s other things I don’t even know about that may have worked even better. And that is what I’m really getting at here.

Despite my hatred of expectations, I had set expectations of myself and they weren’t at all realistic. I expected myself to be perfect - felt that I needed to do well in everything in order to be ‘qualified’ to give anyone advice. Given the type of people that AN is known to attract, this is obviously a bit of a problem. Someone else got a higher study score than me, are they more qualified to give advice than I am? I don’t know the answer to that. I don’t think there is an answer to that. Who am I to judge how useful advice is?

Advice that may be useless to someone may be absolutely perfect for someone else, and who am I to not give advice just because I don’t necessarily value the advice I give? Someone else may value it.

I suppose I’ve also been considering how other people may perceive this. If someone asks how to study for bio and I reply to it, are there then people who aren’t replying because they had a different idea to me and don’t want to contradict me? I don’t know the answer to that, but I really hope not. I guess what I’m saying is that advice may be useful, it may not, but it is still valuable. You never know who it may help.

I was going to pm you but I think this is valuable for more people to see too.

Disclaimer: I don't make the judgement call about who gets modded and who doesn't. 

In the conversions I saw about you potentially being modded,  your study score did not come up.  No one is modded because of their study score - modding is about contributing to the AN community, not your ability to sit tests and give them the answer they want.(In fact,  there are times as a mod when you knowingly give people answers they don't want to hear.) There are some people who use their academic achievements to guide how they contribute to the community (eg. "How I got a 50"etc) but even before you received your bio study score you were already a fantastic contributor there so it's certainly not a prerequisite.
No one is modded out of charity or because you're expected to get x score,  it was granted to you with consideration of your proven track record as a trusted great contributor and as someone who helps AN flourish.

I can't speak for the whole team (a team which you're part of) but I have no expectations for your ATAR or study scores.  What will be expected is that you continue to help this community be a better and better place

[turinturambar]

Impostor syndrome is a thing. I feel it sometimes, and know plenty of others do as well.  I expected others to have all the answers, and now when others come to me expecting me to know the answers I know that often there's a bit of experience, but I'm still making it up as I go.  Now, I assume that there's no-one who knows all the answers (or maybe I just haven't met them...) - but that there are some people who are more likely to know the answers (or help me find them) than others.  And you've obviously been chosen because you are one of those.

The other thing I come to realise is that I know myself well enough to see flaws in my answers that other people don't seem to see.  Sometimes that makes me feel like a fraud, and not know why people are relying on me. But I also assume that others have some of that too, that they are seeing flaws in answers they give that satisfy me, or that I'm holding myself to standards harsher than I hold other people to.

People trusting you can be both a gift and a burden, but it is a recognition that you have already done things that helped others, and we expect you can continue to do them and do them well.

[PhoenixxFire]

Just a short update (never mind, it ended up really long anyway) because I’ve got to go to work. I’ve been working heaps the last few weeks which is great, because money, but it’s also made my life really busy.

Anyway, I’M FINISHED HIGH SCHOOL. Obviously not actually finished, there’s still exams and stuff, but no more classes!!

Kinda sad that it’s over, but mostly just YAY!!

Oh and I got my English comparative mark back 😂 I got 22/60 lol. I think I should probably be upset about that, but I’m not.

No one got above 50/60, and only like 15ish people (out of 90ish) got above 30. The average was below 30 😂😂 we’re all going to do so great in the exam.

Also got results for my last math SAC (94%) and U4 AOS1 Outdoor ed (92%) - I have no idea how that happened. I’m sure our outdoor ed sacs are going to get scaled down because he is marking way too easily.

I think the weirdest part of having finished classes is the loss of the structure. I’m planning on getting into a routine from now until the end of exams to help with that - hopefully this will involve a bit more than the 5-6 hours of sleep I’ve been getting the last couple of weeks. Also I reckon it’s going to be weird not having adults around constantly - if that makes any sense, which it probably doesn’t.

I’m actually feeling a bit shit at the moment, but I’m pretty sure it’s just because I haven’t been sleeping enough and just generally not taking particularly good care of myself because I’ve been so, so busy. Should be better now that school’s finished

Also my fish (and bio) teacher bought me chocolates and got the kids in my fish class (I’m the only year 12) to sign a card. Isn’t that sweet (the chocolates are sweet too ) He’s been my teacher for 3 years and was my mentor (aka homeroom or whatever) for 2 years. We used to have these super interesting conversation about random biology stuff and environmental issues etc. Not so much this year given we’ve both been super busy, but I’m going to miss that. Also he’s the reason I love biology and fish. He said to keep in touch - and I want to, just not entirely sure how that’s going to work out.

Anyway that’s the end of this (accidentally long) update.

(Lol I thought it was the end)

My brain keeps trying to convince me that I should be stressed - which is super annoying because logically I know I don’t really need to be. I think part of the problem is that I haven’t done any proper practice exams for enviro or outdoor ed. Also I’m aware that most of the reason I’ve done so many math exams is because I feel comfortable doing them, whereas I’m not at all confident in my other subjects. I’ve really got to force myself to do it though - especially English. I look at a prompt and I just completely blank, like I can’t even figure out how to split it up into paragraphs lol.

But anyway, this is actually the end now. Cya <3

because this is long enough already

@all of you^
Thank you all so much <3
Your perspective is very much appreciated when I get stuck believing things that logically I know aren’t true ❤️❤️

[PhoenixxFire]

So I’ve been looking at the Enviro study design again. I genuinely don’t think my teacher has ever read it. For U3 AOS2 we’re supposed to know about a specific environmental science project - absolutely no mention of this in class. Luckily one of the options is desal. plants and we did that in outdoor ed so yay for curriculum overlap. In all seriousness though, I think everything I learnt in Enviro comes down to the few days I spent writing my notes. We haven’t learnt anything at all in class that I didn’t have in my notes - and there’s heaps of things missing that we didn’t learn in class and I can’t find anything on in my textbook. I’m going to have to make proper notes myself sometime because this is fkn ridiculous

Practical work is a central component of learning and assessment. As a guide, between 3.5 and 5 hours of class time should be devoted to student practical work and investigations for each of Areas if Study 1 and 2.

We did 0. No joke, the only things we did in class was listen to our teacher talk, and occassionally write out answers to questions he’d give us. And there was the 2 lessons we did on the poster SAC. That’s it. This is actually sad.

Also apparently we were supposed to spend 7-10 hours on our AOS3 investigation. It was less than 3 hours (maybe five at the most if you count the SAC and time spent making the poster over the holidays). Excuse the ranting, I’m actually upset about this

[PhoenixxFire]

Way too frequent updates lol oops, don't mind me I just wanna scream

I'm actually terrified about English now. I seriously reckon I'm gonna walk in there and not be able to write anything

'scuse me

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

My plan at the moment is to just memorise some quotes and some 'literary techniques' I don't even really know what they are lol and hope that I can use them for whatever prompts I get. Also gonna try and write plans for some of the many prompts I have. Kinda worried about just memorising things. I can normally memorise things really easily (like I memorised my english creative in one night kind of easy), but every time I try and remember english quotes they kinda just...slip out of my head.

Still don't really know what I'm doing at all. Legit scared that I'm going to fuck up badly enough in English that I'm not even going to get into my course. And, like if I get 42ish in further then I just have to get 20 in english lol. Like I said I'm doubting even that though. This is what I get for having avoided English as much as possible for the last 12 years though. kinda panicking and that's just making things worse. Welcome to another episode of 'PF shoots herself in the foot'

Relevant meme

EDIT: In other news I did the 2017 enviro exam and got 75% so that's okay. Kind of irrelevant though because I'd have to get about 40 in enviro to make it count in my top 4, which I really really doubt will happen. Also tried to do the 2017 outdoor ed exam and had no idea what I was doing. I reckon I can do okayish in that, but again irrelevant because even if I got 40 in outdoor ed it would scale down to a 34 which would make it my 5th or 6th subject lol.

[PhoenixxFire]

I really cbf at the moment.

Don't know if it's because I actually cbf or if it's just because I'm stressed.

This just all seems so super pointless. Like, I'm supposed to waste this entire week studying for english and then never do another English essay again. So, like what's the point of studying? Like, obviously the whole actually-getting-into-uni thing, but it still just seems really pointless. There's so much other stuff I'd rather be doing and this is super boring. Also I'm still so screwed lol.

Not really worried about math or Eviro, very worried about english (obviously), and also about outdoor ed. Don't really know why I'm worrying about that, it scales down so much it's fairly inconsequential anyway.

I really doubt I'm actually going to be able to write 3 complete essays in 3 hours. Also really doubt they're going to have sufficient quotes/those-other-things-what-are-they-called-thematic-devices??

Meme again

Signs PF is very stressed include: Posting Memes rather than writing

Sorry everything in here's been really negative lately and I really hate it. Can't wait until exams are done, problem is if I do really bad in exams then I'm going to keep stressing about it until ATAR's are released. ugh.

Also another meme because I made it whilst procrastinating doing english work

[Bri MT]

Reminder that your VCE journal is about your VCE experience and that it makes perfect sense for that to involve stress and negativity (especially at this time of year! ); you have nothing to apologise for

This experience is also valuable to learn about your coping strategies and their effectiveness,  how you process stess, your ability to get through this etc. The ATAR is an imperfect gauge used to see if you get in,  but the experience of year 12 has a heck load more meaning in it than that.

Best of luck

[PhoenixxFire]

I actually did the 2017 English exam yesterday. I didn’t finish it in 3 hours though I only got through section C, one and a half paragraphs of section B, and two paragraphs of section A...

I remembered a few quotes, but I literally mean a few. And I definitely need to know more than that. That’s what I’ve been trying to do today. Do very quick plans of prompts and memorise quotes. Fun.

Kinda hating on myself for not having done all of this wayyy earlier, but I knew I should have and didnt anyway and it’s too late now 🤷‍♀️

So yeah, I’m screwed.

Really doubt I’m going to be able to finish all the essays tomorrow given I couldn’t yesterday and I doubt my writing skillz are going to be above primary school level so yay 🙃

At least it’ll be done though. until I start worrying about my SS and ATAR

[headsup]

I actually did the 2017 English exam yesterday. I didn’t finish it in 3 hours though I only got through section C, one and a half paragraphs of section B, and two paragraphs of section A...

I remembered a few quotes, but I literally mean a few. And I definitely need to know more than that. That’s what I’ve been trying to do today. Do very quick plans of prompts and memorise quotes. Fun.

Kinda hating on myself for not having done all of this wayyy earlier, but I knew I should have and didnt anyway and it’s too late now 🤷‍♀️

So yeah, I’m screwed.

Really doubt I’m going to be able to finish all the essays tomorrow given I couldn’t yesterday and I doubt my writing skillz are going to be above primary school level so yay 🙃

At least it’ll be done though. until I start worrying about my SS and ATAR

Great job!!! Any little bit helps...

I found flashcards great for remembering quotes and also essay plans. With the plans try not to use your quote tables unless you have to.... i'm sure you will be fine!!

Its never too late... I hated myself at the time too as i left it so late and didn't even complete a full paper practice before the exams but still managed to finish all my essays (not to the best standard but still).... just try to stick to your timing and leave it... if you haven't got a conclusion or finished the last paragraph by the time that the section time is up just move on.... mostly your mark with be decided by this point... if you have time at the end good and well you can go back...

At least it will be done!! it is not the be all and end all..

all the very best.... thinking of ya all!

[PhoenixxFire]

That sucked. But it’s done so yay!

I finished section C, did 2.5 paragraphs and a conclusion (I got a bit stuck) for Section A. I screwed up Section B though, which I wasn’t expecting. I picked the wrong prompt, but I’d already wasted too much time so I just had to go with it

I only wrote 2 paragraphs for it, and there wasn’t anywhere near enough actual comparison

I remembered more quotes than I thought I would though! I think I included an okay number. It wasn’t great by any means, but I think it was okay. Very primary school level writing haha

Really happy it’s done now though, it was so long I really struggled with concentrating in it. Also writing 3 essays in a row was hard, even without the time pressure.

[headsup]

Awesome job!!! I am sure it will be fine....

Congrats on finishing the first paper. Best of luck with the remaining ones...

[PhoenixxFire]

I'm not really stressed at the moment, nervous for sure, but not really stressed.

Further is pretty easy, but I'm worried that I'm going to make stupid mistakes. Like, if it's a tricky question and I get it wrong, then I'm okay with that. But if I do something dumb like forget to change the annual interest rate into the monthly rate or something then I'll be really annoyed at myself.

I'm going to put a really big asterisk next to any even slightly complicated question so I know which ones to come back and double check.

Currently I'm just going through all of the practice exams I've done and redoing the questions I screwed up. I have the answers in front of me because there's no point printing off a new copy, but I still think it's useful to go through the motions of actually working the questions out. Also I'm eating chocolate cake, because why not

Oh and I dreamt about AN last night It wasn't even a particularly interesting dream though

[PhoenixxFire]

Fuck. I’m so angry at myself. I did all my practice exams in an hour easily so like a complete noob I figured i’d do it slower to make sure I got everything right. And of course I did it too slow and I basically guessed the last question and I’m 110% sure I fucked it up.

I wasted far too much time double checking the super easy questions at the start to make sure I didn’t make any stupid mistakes and then I had to rush through the harder questions at the end. I’d only lost 1-2 marks in all the practice exams but I reckon I lost at least 4/5 in that. Fuck I’m so mad at myself. I really should have known better than that, but I was so paranoid about making silly mistakes that I managed to fuck it up worse

[Bri MT]

Fuck. I’m so angry at myself. I did all my practice exams in an hour easily so like a complete noob I figured i’d do it slower to make sure I got everything right. And of course I did it too slow and I basically guessed the last question and I’m 110% sure I fucked it up.

I wasted far too much time double checking the super easy questions at the start to make sure I didn’t make any stupid mistakes and then I had to rush through the harder questions at the end. I’d only lost 1-2 marks in all the practice exams but I reckon I lost at least 4/5 in that. Fuck I’m so mad at myself. I really should have known better than that, but I was so paranoid about making silly mistakes that I managed to fuck it up worse

Remember that because of your state of mind rn it's very difficult to assess how many exactly you probably got wrong and since you're stressed and disappointed your mind is more likely to believe things that are more pessimistic than reality. It's completely understandable to feel a whole bunch of emotions right now, but I hope that you feel better soonish and, less importantly, that this helps you for exam 2.

<3