OML wow its been so long since I have updated.
Let me fill u guys in since it has been ages. Its been an emotional rollercoaster. Waking up stressed every day, studying, procrastinating a little bit on ATARNotes...trying not to freak out about my trials.
I had Paper 1, and Paper 2 English, and Maths 2 unit so far. Paper 1 was my first exam and luckily for me it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The first exam always seems the hardest. then again, I was the most prepared for paper 1 English cause I did like 8 past papers all together, spent hours on fixing up my creative and my discovery essay plans. I also printed out trial papers from other schools, and OMG you will not believe it, the exact essay question that I practiced on, the same question came in the exam! I WAS SO HAPPY, you have no idea. I could have screamed with delight right in the exam room if I could.
As for maths 2 u I was freaking out as well. Ik a lot of people think that maths is easy, but for me it's something I've really struggled with, since primary. Picking maths extension was a pretty dumb decision I feel, because I am not as good at maths as other people in my cohort. Note that I go to a selective high school so all the people are super gun at everything, whilst I am just...average.
But luckily, when I did the exam, it wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. I was getting so anxious about it, I was practically gulping for air the morning of my exam. My mom could see I was so close to having a panic attack because I didn't feel prepared, and she kept reassuring me. Even though I didn't drink much water and went to go to the bathroom before the exam, I still had to go because I was busting. I was so annoyed at my weak ass bladder. I practically sprinted all the way to the bathroom and back, so I didn't waste much time. It was all well and good because I finished the exam well before time and still had time to check.
Paper 2 English was so far not so good. I didn;t have time to do any past papers in time limit because I had to memorise my essays and make sure I knew what to write. I was so annoyed at my fricking teachers. they took so long in getting our essays marked and giving them back to us. Literally they gave us our Mod C essay back only two days before trials, and our Mod B essay the day of our Paper 1. The feedback wasn't even that helpful. It was so annoying cause I didn't have any time to edit my essays cause I was busy with Math and discovery creative.
Speaking of which, I already posted for people to mark, so if ppl can mark it I would be so thankful. Shout out to Jamon Windeyer for marking it, I am so grateful.
Anyways, literarlly after the three exams, I was so tired I came home after Paper 2 and just took a solid 3 hour nap because I was running on 7 days of straight up cramming. Woke up with another headache, did some light memorising, and then I woke up early, studied for a solid 5-6 hours at the library and now I am procrastinating writing this post because I feel too ceebs to do legal.
Can I ask you guys something? Do you necessarily have to be thinking about studying or studying 24/7 to do well? Like, at times where I don't feel like studying and procrastinate a little, I feel so bad and guilty for being so lazy and undisciplined, even though I probably did a lot of work that day anyway. I feel so guilty when I am not studying and taking time for myself, but I feel miserable when I don't take a break. It's getting to the point where I feel guilty when I sleep, or do things that are not related to trials.
Speaking of trials, I am absolutely going to die next week. I have 5 exams back to back, with two on the same day (Bio and Eco). Someone please kill me, before trials does.
And honestly, at this point I am so done with the HSC and the whole ATAR obsession. For those of you who have been reading my journal, you guys know that I have had a rough year and have failed a lot (cough cough half yearlies) and have been super obsessed about my atar. for a while, I used to feel ashamed that I might do badly and get a not so good atar and not get into UNSW or any other Group 8 uni. But honestly, at this point, I don;t care about my ATAR and how well I do in the HSC, as long as I gave it my all. Its a bit hard to let go of my perfectionist tendencies (if I were in control, I would want to come first in every subject and get a 99.95 but that is not happening), but honestly, I need to care more about my mental health than that mark, because these marks don't give me nearly as much happiness as I get from spending time with my family and friends, and pursuing my hobbies. Don;t get me wrong, I still am going to work hard. I have to cause unfortunately its trials. I hate the fact that I have to put my life on hold just for these exams that I am going to forget in like 3 days. I don't even care what my ATAR is, I just want HSC to be over.
I am learning not to care so much about marks, and not to feel ashamed and beat myself up, for not being the perfect 99+ all rounder student. I'm just going to have to accept myself and whatever skills i have in a subject...and just focus on how I am going to enjoy life so much more after HSC because I am finally going to be able to choose what I want to do and study, not subject myself to stress because of the stupid NESA guidelines.
Anyways, my mini rant is done. Will try to actually update more. Just stuff on what I have been feeling lately. Mainly insecurity and fear, and a sense of apathy. I will continue to work hard...what happens...happens