Login

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

March 28, 2024, 09:33:54 pm

Author Topic: Unloading life's burdens.  (Read 5595 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

JR_StudyEd

  • MOTM: MAY 19
  • Forum Obsessive
  • ***
  • Posts: 379
  • Mental health is #1
  • Respect: +171
Unloading life's burdens.
« on: December 19, 2020, 05:25:15 pm »
+9
I'm not sure where to start. I guess I should start typing and see where that takes me. And then keep proof-reading it and adding amendments to it. Also this will be a place of vulnerability. In case you couldn't already tell, I love AN, so I figured I would start it up here.

About me
I'm 19 years old. I should have finished my first year of university this year*. I live in Melbourne's outer western suburbs. I'm introverted. Would love some friends. Like, real friends. But I know they're hard to find and hard to develop.

*back to this later.

pandemic talk
We've all been affected by the pandemic in some way. I don't think my individual experience is representative of all young people, but anyway..I never realised how vulnerable I was to the outbreak of a pandemic. I had just come out of Year 12, a year filled with struggle and not much joy. My life already had no structure for several months prior to lockdown starting. I had literally just started uni. It seemed so unfair. Why did it have to be first year? I could have probably coped better if it was my second or third year, but the pandemic got me when I was at my most vulnerable. I guess I still hadn't fully recovered from the burdens Year 12 placed on me. The scars still hadn't healed.

This year has flown by. Days just flew off the calendar effortlessly. Where has this year gone? The overriding emotion I have felt for a good portion of this year is inexplicable sadness. Why do I feel sad? I chose to defer my course indefinitely (or at least until we're allowed to learn on-campus). So I ended up taking a sort-of gap year that was totally unplanned. When am I ever going to have control of my life again? It's all uncertain.

This rapid transition to virtual forms of communication has also left me feeling quite literally isolated as well. Like when I video call someone, at least I can see their face, but I know they are still physically far away from me. And it hurts. I know it's the best alternative, but it doesn't really build closeness. I also can't imagine being a person who loves hugs during this time. Oh wait, I'm one of those people. Yeah, it sucks. And this is far from over, unfortunately.
 


Listens to K-Pop (Twice, Red Velvet, MAMAMOO) and Christmas music all year round.

K888

  • VIC MVP - 2017
  • National Moderator
  • ATAR Notes Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 3705
  • Respect: +2877
Re: Unloading life's burdens.
« Reply #1 on: December 19, 2020, 06:08:00 pm »
+5
Looking forward to your updates, JR! I'm sorry to hear that you've really struggled this year. Have you been seeking help from professionals re: mental health?
What you said about control resonates with me and is something I've struggled with a lot (and found really tough during lockdown)! It's something I regularly work through with my psych when we do CBT haha (which has actually really helped).

I hope that having a break from your course lets you take time to find things that interest you and allows you to pursue different opportunities. Often we have a picture in our head of how we think life will pan out and it rarely ever goes as smoothly as that!

Re: friends - I hope you know I genuinely mean everyone on AN is here for you, and I'm always up for a chat if you want :) Most of my closest friendships have originated on AN (and I know this is the case for a lot of others, too).

JR_StudyEd

  • MOTM: MAY 19
  • Forum Obsessive
  • ***
  • Posts: 379
  • Mental health is #1
  • Respect: +171
Re: Unloading life's burdens.
« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2020, 10:35:41 am »
+2
Have you been seeking help from professionals re: mental health?

Honestly, no. Is that bad?



I don't know how to express my thoughts other than typing it out and posting it on here, so here we go. Also, I'm sorry if I seem like a big complainer.

I'm frustrated. After Year 12, I only received one offer. And it wasn't even my first preference. And I didn't even research this preference at all. But again, it was the only offer I received, so I had to accept it or I wouldn't be in uni at all. It felt like a 'sympathy' offer. What I mean is if VU didn't exist, I wouldn't be in uni. I don't deserve to be in uni.

I feel a sort-of Impostor syndrome. The uni offer I received doesn't reflect the effort I put in through VCE (lots of tears, and not much to show for it on ATAR release day). I ended up stumbling into a degree that I shouldn't have.

How can I be proud of getting into uni when the course doesn't even require an ATAR? That implies that I can cruise through Year 12 and still get into uni. That was far from the truth for me.

About the uni itself, I'm not optimistic. There's a shocking lack of clubs. A shocking lack of clubs that I am interested in. I'm only an outsider looking in, but Melbourne and Monash seem to have an abundance of clubs, and more importantly, these unis have a few clubs that I would be interested in joining.

The uni campus feels lifeless. Yes, there were some students walking around (back when we could actually step onto campus), but I couldn't really feel that student vibe. It just felt like a workplace.

I hope that made sense.

Listens to K-Pop (Twice, Red Velvet, MAMAMOO) and Christmas music all year round.

K888

  • VIC MVP - 2017
  • National Moderator
  • ATAR Notes Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 3705
  • Respect: +2877
Re: Unloading life's burdens.
« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2020, 06:08:46 pm »
+7
Honestly, no. Is that bad?
It sounds like you've really been struggling this year and that these issues have had a really profound effect on you. What you're describing sounds like something that would be great to work through with a mental health professional. In my experience it's really helped with negative thoughts (that you don't even realise are negative at the time, or that you think are facts when they're actually just opinions) and the way I see myself. Gives you an objective eye to see things with. I definitely recommend seeing a GP and getting a mental health plan - doing it is genuinely the best thing I've ever done for my health and you can get up to 20 medicare subsidised psych sessions atm - might as well take advantage of what's there!

Re: uni, for what my words are worth, uni isn't the be all and end all. And you can be proud of getting into uni because you put in a lot of work. Doesn't matter what the ATAR requirement is - if you worked hard and put effort in, that's something to be proud of. ATAR doesn't measure your quality as a person and ATAR requirements for uni courses are based on supply vs demand (i.e. how many spots there are vs how many applicants), not that you have to "be smarter" to do certain courses and be in certain careers.

The Cat In The Hat

  • MOTM: NOV 20
  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 991
  • Do all to the glory of God. - 1 Corinthians 10:31
  • Respect: +344
Re: Unloading life's burdens.
« Reply #4 on: December 21, 2020, 09:59:35 pm »
+1
It sounds like you've really been struggling this year and that these issues have had a really profound effect on you. What you're describing sounds like something that would be great to work through with a mental health professional. In my experience it's really helped with negative thoughts (that you don't even realise are negative at the time, or that you think are facts when they're actually just opinions) and the way I see myself. Gives you an objective eye to see things with. I definitely recommend seeing a GP and getting a mental health plan - doing it is genuinely the best thing I've ever done for my health and you can get up to 20 medicare subsidised psych sessions atm - might as well take advantage of what's there!

Re: uni, for what my words are worth, uni isn't the be all and end all. And you can be proud of getting into uni because you put in a lot of work. Doesn't matter what the ATAR requirement is - if you worked hard and put effort in, that's something to be proud of. ATAR doesn't measure your quality as a person and ATAR requirements for uni courses are based on supply vs demand (i.e. how many spots there are vs how many applicants), not that you have to "be smarter" to do certain courses and be in certain careers.
(And I'll just add one more thing about ATAR - even if you didn't 'need' it for uni, just doing it will have helped your skills, to be able to work hard is a great skill that's necessary - also for uni.)
VCE 20
HHD MM Revs (F/R) Eng T&T
ATAR 85
Uni 21-24: BNursing/BMidwifery @ Deakin
Y1T2:
HNM102
HNN122 (double)
HNN114
I hope I don't fail....
Listens to Amira Willighagen and Alma Deutscher and a little Marjolein Acke
~English - PM for P&P/creatives help~
Creative excerpts
Nur/Mid uni journal

For Narnia and for Aslan!

she/her

Basically inactive now. May change. Have a nice day.

JR_StudyEd

  • MOTM: MAY 19
  • Forum Obsessive
  • ***
  • Posts: 379
  • Mental health is #1
  • Respect: +171
Re: Unloading life's burdens.
« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2021, 12:18:25 pm »
+5
Yesterday, I went to my fourth family gathering since Christmas Day. I initially tried to make conversation with the people around me. But then it got to a point where it was just too overwhelming to continue to interact. I went off to a quiet place on my own, because I enjoy solitude. My mum rang me and called me back, and that's what I did. When I saw all my relatives, that's when I got really anxious and went off back to that same place. Then I started to cry. Not 100% sure why. But I think the novelty of meeting people I hadn't seen in months had worn off. The best way I can describe how I was feeling at that time was anxiety. I just wanted to be alone. Just being around people drains a lot of my energy. When will people understand that?

I then had a deep conversation with my mother about the anxiety I was feeling. She questioned multiple times if I was acting normally. I tried to explain to her that the anxiety I was feeling was not normal, but my introverted personality is. She didn't seem to fully understand.

But I did come out of that conversation with a few ideas. I just need to find something that gets me out of the house. I feel like I need to be re-integrated back into society.

Love you all. I hope you all have a great month of January.
Listens to K-Pop (Twice, Red Velvet, MAMAMOO) and Christmas music all year round.

JR_StudyEd

  • MOTM: MAY 19
  • Forum Obsessive
  • ***
  • Posts: 379
  • Mental health is #1
  • Respect: +171
Re: Unloading life's burdens.
« Reply #6 on: March 25, 2021, 05:25:31 pm »
+9
I think it's time to reappear from the burrow I've been hiding in.

I actually saw a GP today. I took the first step towards recovery. It's the start of a lifelong process. I'm not usually open when it comes to talking about what's going on in my head. It's so much easier to say that you're fine. But when I do start talking about my problems, I feel slightly better afterwards. For some reason, every little thing seems 10 times harder for me than for everyone else. I now regret taking last year off because I thought I couldn't handle remote learning. I know I can't change the past. The best way I can describe what happened last year was hibernation. I had literally zero major responsibilities. But I didn't know it would be like that when I made the decision to defer my studies to this year. And now my brain doesn't want to work hard. It's become foggy. My neurons don't seem to want to function. My sleeping patterns are all over the place. I feel like I don't get enough support. But I am an adult. I should probably start acting like one. But it's all too difficult. There must be something wrong with me. Since March of last year, what aspect of life has gotten easier?

Dear reader, I am cheering you on. Take care of yourselves. I really mean it.
Listens to K-Pop (Twice, Red Velvet, MAMAMOO) and Christmas music all year round.

lm21074

  • MOTM: JAN 19
  • Victorian Moderator
  • Forum Leader
  • *****
  • Posts: 589
  • Respect: +594
Re: Unloading life's burdens.
« Reply #7 on: March 27, 2021, 08:47:14 pm »
+5
Hi JR,

Good on you for seeing a GP!

I've really struggled with some of the things you've mentioned here and I've found that unpacking them with a psych has been helpful. I really hope that you can get the support you need. Small steps. You can do this :)


Take care and looking forward to your updates :)
2021: VCE
2022: Science / Arts @ Monash

JR_StudyEd

  • MOTM: MAY 19
  • Forum Obsessive
  • ***
  • Posts: 379
  • Mental health is #1
  • Respect: +171
Re: Unloading life's burdens.
« Reply #8 on: April 14, 2021, 11:15:12 pm »
+7
If you were to ask me how I am doing, my response would be, not great at the moment. Anything that involves mental effort seems insurmountable right now, and I'm not sure why. I feel stuck. Numb. Unable to feel happiness. Or at least not like I used to. I'm just trying to do my thing, okay? But I just can't climb that hill right now. I feel like I'm mourning the loss of a loved one. I guess in a way, I am. My old life died last year, and I am finding it difficult to move on. I don't know about your perceptions of how last year went. Some might say it was a spiritual rebirth, the reset they needed in order to live more productively. It was nothing but pain and anguish for me. And I feel like such a weak person for saying that. Do I have any resilience left in me? Will I ever be able to recover from this unexpectedly severe trauma? That's another thing I'm worried about. While physically the pandemic will die down, the psychological ill-effects will likely linger for decades. I don't even read or watch the news, because I already know what will be shown and it will only trigger more distress and helplessness. Hearing the words that this pandemic has made mainstream (you know the ones) make me feel so worried. Like disproportionately worried. Turning-your-sunny-day-into-a-Melbourne-winter's-day kind of worried.

I really wish I could connect with someone that feels similarly to me. It feels like everyone is doing better than me. That's it for now.
Listens to K-Pop (Twice, Red Velvet, MAMAMOO) and Christmas music all year round.