Writing out the nonsense in my head.

[heids]

As I predicted, with the weather change came the mood change.  The aggressive sun and relentless heat left me frantic and on edge.  I've practiced yoga forcefully and rigidly and sweatily, almost self-destructively.

After a long, relaxed practice with the cool grey rain (I'm so lucky to have enough time right now for two meandering hours!), I feel a quiet, peaceful, tired, melancholy relaxation.  It's so beautiful.  I breathed my way slowly into poses, rocking and gently moving through them and wandering slowly round the room between, surrendering and not pushing, and spent a lot of time on soothing self-hugging forward bends.  I feel full of love and compassion and peace.

I know most of my life I won't have time for this, but truly, it brings me back to everything that matters and completely resets me. 10/10 would recommend.

My favourite self-soothing and grounding method

My favourite pose to calm myself down if I'm agitated is bound half-lotus forward bend, because I'm locked together firmly and hugging myself and feel safe yet can breathe freely, but I guess it's a physically difficult pose.

An easy restorative calming relaxation pose:

With gentle instrumental music in the background, I sit on the floor, feet flat on the floor with knees up against my chest.  I put a pillow between my chest and thighs and another between my knees and calves, and then hug my arms under my knees and resting on the bottom pillow.  Then I push my feet further away, straightening my knees and getting closer to a forward bend - you can go as far forward as you want depending on your hamstring flexibility.  Then I just relax there, breathing slowly through my nose, rocking gently from side to side, chest leaning on pillow on thighs, hugging myself, relaxing all my muscles, and stay there for a long time.  A blanket or doona on top if it's cold! <3

[heids]

I'm a pretty envious person.  Always comparing, comparing, comparing.  Not jealous of money or material possessions or "success" or cool holidays if I'm going to be jealous, I've got to do it in a morally superior way so I can feel better than y'all , but of:
a) their character traits, skills or personality
b) the attention or love they get from others I love.

Typically, I have a hard time admitting this emotion to myself because I'm ashamed of it.  I'm just trying to become aware of it, label it as envy, sit with it, breathe, and bring myself back to simple truths:
- there's enough to go round! it's not a zero-sum situation
- the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence
- why waste time comparing?
- there will always be many better and many worse than me - so what?
- it's okay to not be perfect

I'm also trying to consciously wish success and happiness to those I'm jealous of.  I mentally send them good wishes, hoping that they get more of the love or charisma or work ethic or wit or success that I'm envying.  Sending silent well-wishes to others I respect and love always helps me feel better.  And then I try to find inspiration from them and use them as role-models.

I don't have the answer though.  I guess it's a long day-in day-out process of awareness and gently redirecting my natural patterns.

[heids]

I'm a bit upset with the human race in general.  I'm upset that being a human being leaves me weak and selfish and unable to meet seemingly reasonable high standards.  I'm upset that we all have so many good answers and advice but we don't live them, that we consistently choose behaviours that we know will hurt us, that it takes so long for us to learn basic lessons, that we're so egotistical and self-centred and self-manipulative, that we all make mistakes that hurt others a lot (e.g. sexually harassing others), and that we can't seem to get past all this even when we try.

To use the jealousy example above - I know it's a normal human emotion, but I hate feeling it when I should admire and be inspired by others instead, because it harms me and others for no reason.  I can't reasonably beat myself up more or less than I do anyone else, because I don't mess up much more or less than most humans, so...

I suppose I just have to extend lots and lots of compassion to all of us: myself, my friends, strangers, my enemies.  We all have many good points and wonderful motives and it's not our fault that we're human   But how does one balance this with not taking shit from others?  Urgh.  I don't know.

It all returns to the same thing - things are as they are and we don't know the answer, so just gotta to do our best right now.  Just gotta do our best right now.

[heids]

One can but do one's best, and trust that it is enough.

[heids]

I haven't posted in a while.  My head has been too busy and messy: the thoughts run away with themselves, incoherent, like a crowd of people pushing and shoving in a riot without quite knowing what's going on.  I'm changing the title to make it more general so I can feel I can write whatever I want.  I'm pretty confused about everything, to be quite honest.  I'm quite okay, just my head is overflowing!

I'm repeating my last post to myself so often.

Deep breaths.  I need to take myself less seriously.

[Bri MT]

I haven't posted in a while.  My head has been too busy and messy: the thoughts run away with themselves, incoherent, like a crowd of people pushing and shoving in a riot without quite knowing what's going on.  I'm changing the title to make it more general so I can feel I can write whatever I want.  I'm pretty confused about everything, to be quite honest.  I'm quite okay, just my head is overflowing!

I'm repeating my last post to myself so often.

Deep breaths.  I need to take myself less seriously.

In the overwhelming-ness of anxiety striking remember that you know what it is like to have picked yourself up before and escaped to the other side. You have proven that you are more than capable of getting to a healthier state - despite whatever your thoughts might try and tell you. Have you been able to keep up your yoga practice recently? Maybe try some simple poses and beginners mindset if you're up to it.

Something that has helped me is consciously rephrasing my modal verbs to remove necessity or obligation. Eg. If I think "I need to get better at letting go" I'll then think "I should get better at letting things go.  I want to get better at letting things go." 

We're here for you - if there's any support the AN fam can give you let us know

[heids]

Thanks, miniturtle <3

Been having a rough few weeks I guess.  I simply feel absolutely stuck in this war with the universe and myself.  Everything I do or think or feel triggers a flood of tangled thoughts that loop back on themselves in increasingly metacognitive spirals.

For some reason, I've temporarily lost "the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" and am fighting madly with reality.  Humans are alive and we have to stay that way? BUT I DON'T LIKE THAT.  Impermanence is inevitable?  BUT I HATE THAT.  Humans are the way they are and won't become better or smarter or kinder?  BUT I DON'T WANT IT TO BE LIKE THAT.  Things are unknowable?  WELL FUCK THAT I NEED TO KNOW THEM.  And so on. 

I know the universe will win and I'll give in and accept it all optimistically again, because you can't do anything else.  There isn't a way out of reality.

At this point I don't really know what to do - can only think endlessly of harming myself in more and more creative or severe ways. Have already spent a night in emergency as a result, and can't afford to repeat it for the sake of family and friends.

And it will all get better.  It'll magically untangle just enough for me to do the work to put myself in a better place.  It always happens that way.  Humans don't break, no matter the pressure.

[peterpiper]

I don't know how helpful this will be to you, but it's the least I can do: Wishing you my all for a speedy recovery heids whether that be a week from now or even a decade <3 Good things, good change don't all happen overnight.

[heids]

I really want to update this thread occasionally, even though it's been long dead and forgotten and I've been long dead and forgotten on AN.  But I continue to think, endlessly, and I continue to want a place to write it out.

I might give it a shot.  We'll see.  Sorry for the pointless post - I'm giving myself a foothold to post if I want to, y'know?

<3

[Bri MT]

I really want to update this thread occasionally, even though it's been long dead and forgotten and I've been long dead and forgotten on AN.  But I continue to think, endlessly, and I continue to want a place to write it out.

I might give it a shot.  We'll see.  Sorry for the pointless post - I'm giving myself a foothold to post if I want to, y'know?

<3

We're still here & we still care <3

[Joseph41]

Never forgotten on AN, matey.

[heids]

<3 thank you folks

With a full time job and life, I haven’t been able to do the rigorous regular yoga routine I used to.  So I’ve got physically weaker/less competent, making it hard to be consistent.

It’s one of my deepest issues: that need for perfection.  Performing imperfectly hurts SO ridiculously much that, unless I can be perfect, I tend to avoid trying.  Intellectually, I know that you have to be bad at something lots and lots and lots of times over before you get better at it.  But emotionally… regularly facing up to being shit at something is almost unbearable.  And then I hate myself for feeling these irrational emotions.  It doesn’t make sense that they’re so strong!

So my task for the next month: every day, without fail, I’ll put on a timer and do 10 minutes of yoga.  If I feel like it, I do more; if not I stop and that is FINE.

That means facing up to being weak every day.  Honestly, most of it will probably be breathing through tears and shame, every day.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.  I don’t have to either be completely perfect or completely give up.  I can do a little bit, consistently, and leave the rest for later.  Later is an okay thing.