Honestly, I tried to go through it, but I it was hard to read because the handwriting is messy and the bad picture quality doesn't really help either. From what I've read, your sentences aren't always gramatically correct or expressed well. For example, "this further shattering of hope" and "this making" (I might have read it wrong because I'm struggling to read your handwriting). These parts of your sentences just sound clunky, so you should probably try to fix these things. Also the topic sentence for your first paragraph focuses on the fact that Isobel doesn't get birthday presents, which I don't think should be a topic sentence. I don't think that foccusing on events in your topic sentence is a good way to structure your essay, instead you might want to focus on ideas and themes. Overall, I just think your piece is too hard to understand due to your messy handwriting. Next time, you might want to neaten up your handwriting. But anyway, it's good that you're writing practice essays and I think that you should just keep practicing to improve. Take my advice with a grain of salt since I'm in year 12 this year.
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