Language analysis

[zhen]

Can I please get some feedback for this essay. These are the links to the articles.
http://www.aww.com.au/latest-news/crime/victorian-premier-considering-changing-bail-laws-after-more-victims-names-of-melbournes-car-attack-are-released-30448

https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2017/jan/23/melbourne-mall-deaths-daniel-andrews-change-bail-laws

Following the Bourke Street Mall Incident, where a man on bail injured and killed several people, a plethora of articles arose discussing the changes to Australia's bail laws. Calla Wahlquist's article "Melbourne mall deaths: Daniel Andrews announces change in bail laws", employs an objective tone, through quoting numerous of sources in order to support the proposed changes to bail laws. Juxtaposed against Wahlquist's artice, the article "Premier considering changing laws after more victims' names of Melbourne’s car attack are released" by Ellie McDonald employs an empathetic tone, eliciting sympathy from the audience towards the victims of this incident to incentivise to support the changes to the current bail laws. Accompanying Wahlquist's article is a photograph of premier Daniel Andrews laying flowers for the deceased victims, whereas McDonald presents an image portraying the victims of this crime. Although these two articles have differing approaches, they both support the changes to Victorian bail laws.
 
Calla Wahlquist starts her article by highlighting the repercussions of the current bail system, through stating that "five people were killed and more than 30 injured” in the Bourke Street incident. Through highlighting the victims of the incident, Wahlquist accentuates the urgency of the matter as well as the heinous crime which has been committed due to the current bail laws. This positions the reader to perceive the changes to the current bail laws as an important matter.  Furthermore, by citing the numerous casualties caused by the incident, Wahlquist attempts to evoke sympathy from the audience towards the deceased and injured, which manoeuvres the reader in desiring to help these victims through supporting the changes to the bail laws. Wahlquist further underscores the necessity for these changes to Victorian bail laws, through quoting premier Daniel Andrew's statement that these changes are what "we owe these victims and their families". The term "we" in the statement includes the reader, which serves to incentivise the reader in acting to support the reforms to the bail laws. Moreover, through once again referencing the victims of this incident, Calla Wahquist attempts to make the audience further commiserate with these victims.
 
Wahlquist endeavours to portray the police officers as heroes, thus subverting the blame people place upon the police officers present at the incident. She cites Turnbull's statement that "he was moved by the actions of police, paramedics and ordinary citizens who helped those injured on Friday". The word "moved" connotes feelings of admiration and respect, which portrays these police officers as heroes. Calla Wahquist also cites the police commissioner, Graham Ashton, who" threw his support behind police officers involved in attempted pursuits of Gargasoulas". Through referencing a well known figure in the police force, Walquist establishes her objectivity and legitimacy, whilst simultaneously embellishing the members of the police force with his statements. Wahlquist employs Ashton's statement that the police were "making decisions at the time about what’s the best for the community", insinuating that the police were doing the best that they could with the knowledge they possessed. Calla Wahlquist mentions that Ashton "dismissed criticism
that police should have rammed Gargasoulas’ car", stating that “It’s not our policy to ram cars... It would be a pretty exceptional thing to do". Through this, Wahquist subverts all the responsibility of the incident from the police and places it upon the Victorian bail laws. This positions the audience to perceive that the bail laws are responsible for the incident, not the police.
 
Contrastingly, Ellie McDonald's article is more personal and empathetic than Wahlquist's article. McDonald highlights the deceased victims "Matthew Si, 33, Jess Mudie, 21, 10-year-old Thalia Hakin and a three-month-old baby", which acts to create a more personal connection between the reader and the deceased victims, by presenting their name and age, therein engendering sympathy from the reader. Furthermore, McDonald accentuates" the hurt, pain and anguish incited by Friday’s tragedy", which draws the audiences attention to the family and friends of the victims that are currently grieving. The words "hurt, pain and loss", which connotes grief and sadness, forces the audience to perceive the sadness caused by this event. She continues by referencing Premier Daniel Andrews statement that "there can be nothing more innocent than a little three-month-old baby", which brings the reader's attention to the 3 month old baby, who was a victim of this crime. Through presenting the 3 month old baby as a victim of this crime, the writer attempts to draw upon the innate feelings of innocence and purity associated with babies to evoke sympathy from the reader. Throughout her article, Ellie McDonald attempts to elicit sympathy from the audience in order to position the audience in wanting to help these victims, through assisting in changing the current bail laws. McDonald presents a more emotional and personal article than Calla Wahlquist, through her constant appeals to sympathy, whereas Wahlquist attempts to remain impartial throughout her article, through referencing numerous sources.
 
McDonald's article presents images of the victims accompanying the article. Through this, McDonald endeavours to create a closer relationship between the victims and the readers, which further solidifies and reinforces her appeal to the reader's sympathy. Wahlquist's article portrays Daniel Andrews, a supporter to the changes to the current bail laws, laying flowers for the victims. This illustrates that he is a compassionate and caring person, positions the reader to view him positively and hence want to support him in his goals to change the current bail laws.
 
Both articles contend that the Australian bail laws must be changed due to the atrocities that occurred in the Bourke street incident. However, McDonald's article is a more empathetic article, which highlights the anguish and pain caused by the incident, whereas Wahlquist's article is more logical and objective.

 

[vcestressed]

Hey! Firstly, I loved reading your piece. The structure is amazing and it is very reflective of the articles throughout, which is great! The main issue was that it was sometimes repetitive and that some points could be more concise.
Very brief feedback, but i hope it helps! 

[zhen]

Hey! Firstly, I loved reading your piece. The structure is amazing and it is very reflective of the articles throughout, which is great! The main issue was that it was sometimes repetitive and that some points could be more concise.
Very brief feedback, but i hope it helps! 

Thanks a lot. Your feedback was really helpful.