Heyyyy....
I have a creative writing piece here.....it's probably a bit late submitting it for advice the weekend before exams
...but i know for a fact this this won't score me a very high band....how can i make this better???
I'm not exactly asking for feedback i just need some quick advice from anyone willing, to help me get that much of a btr band pleasssseeee!!!!
What am i doing wrong and right??
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I put my shaking hand up to my forehead to wipe away the cold sweat drop that slid to the end of my brow.
Entangling every square inch of my body, reverberating staccato message through my subconscious mind, knotting my neck in tight twists, around and around, causing my arm hairs to prick up on end.
Why was I anxious? I have nothing to prove .
I glanced with hesitation over at the poster of ‘Nancy O’dell’ her broad strong body boasted self-confidence and patriotism – a warrior.
I tensely raised my eyebrows, as the pressure of the tight rubber cap pierced into my skull.
Nagging at me, chipping at every atom of my strength…“doing it for granny”…I reminded myself.
All this coaching – a loving birthday present from Granny that she gave before she died, because she knew how much I enjoyment it gave me – now a bottomless pit of abhorrence and uncertainty frightening me of the thought.
I braced myself. I stretched out my arms, stretching for my long lost passion for this sport, just beyond my fingertips. The tense muscles in my arms pressed against my head so tight battling with the pounding pulse in my temples. The tighter I squeezed, strangely the better I felt, seemingly untangling those horrible nerves.
Seconds seemed like hours, as a frenzy of thoughts pummelled my mind.
“One day you will be a great swimmer…don’t ever forget that Nina” The unforgettable words of my granny many years back…soft cold fingers holding my chin with sharp pink nails slightly pricking my tender baby skin and the still familiar waft of rose petals captivating my curiosities.
My feet arched and pushed, my arms stiff and poised, back straight and every muscle in deep concentration. The bitter foul smell of chlorine amassed my senses as I plummeted into the lightly rippled water. The water rushed passed me. Bubbles gave me a slight tickle as they glided their way around my body, chasing each other up to the surface, sending shivers through me.
The eerie and motionless, yet familiar, sound of another world flooded my ears. The pressure of plunging deeper into the earth, was pounding at the core of my ears.
The distantly muffled chants and chatter outside began to sound like music to my ears.
Ahhhh AIR!!!
My powerful dive was no longer pushing me forward. The surface broke. Light drops of the clear water landed themselves on the back of my head and shoulders. The “pitter, patter” sound pounding down was rather soothing. Even though the cap prevented me from feeling the accuracy of the water, I managed to imagine the feeling of the cool water penetrating every cell in my head. Giving me the feeling of calmness…It was so beautiful.
A stroke, a breath, a kick. A stroke, a breath, a kick. That same rhythm took over my body like a marching band.
Blue sparkling eyes impaled through my mind smiling right at me – the picture atop my dresser of granny inside a beautiful cream and blue frame – giving me the persistence that she had.
This time it was different. I didn’t feel the heavy weight and burden of each stroke. The pressure, the cold, the thrashing.
I glided!
Each stroke felt crisp and clean pushing mounds of water beside me. I felt my body surge through water, like a knife through butter. Each kick propelled me further than ever before. I didn’t have the usual craving for the next breath of air. I was purely enjoying it, projecting me into a realm of bliss.
* * * *
“Watch out!” yelled granny, as I gasped for every millimetre of air that my tiny lungs could hold, and battle the pressure of plummeting deeper into the earth pounding at the core of my ears. Through the slit in my eyes I can see small blurry red stick swaying in the motion of the underwater world, slowly becoming pink and orange as I plunged closer….Pushing off the tiled floor, arms getting heavier, nose getting fizzier, head thumping in rhythm with my heart as I lost more and more air with each second, trying my hardest not to open my mouth, I arose. My mouth stretched to the triumphant smile amidst heavy pants for myself and for granny, proudly holding all 3 sticks in the air. “Again please granny”
* * * *
Just like when I was little…Everything had momentarily faded – every thorn and barb, every tear and disappointment, the expectations and reputations – they didn’t matter.
I turned my head for the last time into the surface of the water, and tried to grasp every second that beautiful pool could have to offer.
My head plunged out of the water, and the water cascaded down the back of my head, neck and shoulders. I rose, again my mouth overextended to the triumphant smile like a half moon, for myself…and…most importantly for granny.
I threw my arms back and landed with a huge splash into the pool – just like how granny taught me to do ‘starfish’…feel as if I was flying!
This wasn’t just a pool, this was the lesson of my life. I had learnt that I have to forget about what’s happening and really experience it. Then it hit me…that’s why I swam in the first place, I love it – it takes you to a whole new world of enjoyment.
When granny died, I changed, I became robotic, lost my love and passion for swimming. I lost everything granny taught me – now I no stranger to all the delight she brought to me. Satisfaction washed over me in an overwhelming blanket of bliss…”Thanks granny” I whispered hugging myself wishing it was her, “Thanks for showing me who I really am”.
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thanks ever sooooooo much!!!!
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Topic: English AoS: Creative Writing --- Need help ASAP pls!!!! (Read 921 times)