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March 29, 2024, 09:34:55 pm

Author Topic: Modern History Essay Marking  (Read 92082 times)

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imtrying

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #30 on: March 21, 2016, 04:36:56 pm »
Hey :)
I have my half yearlies next week and the question I have answer is "To what extent was the collapse of the Weimar Republic the result of the Depression?" which, coincidentally is almost the exact question to a practice essay I uploaded on here a few weeks ago. I've added to and modified the essay a fair bit since then, but your feedback last time was a huge help so I was wondering if you'd mind having a read over this one?
Thankyou so much:)
Year 12 2016 (94.20)
English (Adv), Maths Ext.1, Modern History, Biology and Physics

elysepopplewell

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #31 on: March 21, 2016, 09:47:49 pm »
Hey there! I'm just wondering if I could get some feedback on this draft essay on the question - To what extent did economic weaknesses contribute to the collapse of the Weimar Republic? So that I can do a final edit by Tuesday. Thanks so much!

Hey Sydney!

This has an enormous word count. Over 2000 words is very very difficult to achieve in an exam situation - you would have to sacrifice other areas in order to fit this one in!

Your original essay:
Spoiler
To what extent did economic weaknesses contribute to the collapse of the Weimar Republic?

Economic weaknesses contributed to the collapse of the Weimar Republic to a great extent, as economic weakness gave rise to further political and social issues. Not only did the Republic face hyperinflation and the great depression, the new leaders had to face political hardships such as the terms of the treaty of Versailles and faults within it’s constitution. The new government had to face these matters without the support of the German public and the mass of political competition, particularly the rise of the of the Nazi party. Ultimately the impacts of economic weakness lead to the collapse of the Weimar Republic in 1933.

Economic weaknesses alone proved to be a significant contributor to the collapse of the Weimar Republic. By 1918 the German economy was severely impacted by their funding of the First World War. The obstruction of imports and exports through the naval blockade, as well as the strict control of all European exports to Germany, through the 1917 Memorandum to the War Cabinet on the trade blockade, destroyed the trade industry in Germany. This significant decrease of income and increase of war expenditure, including the spending of all German gold reserves, amounted in German bankruptcy. The Treaty of Versailles aggravated the economic strain upon Germany, as Germany was; ordered to pay upwards of $30 billion USD and stripped of income generating industrial areas such as Silesia, including the occupation of the Ruhr. British economist John Keynes criticised the severe impact that the treaty of Versailles would have upon Germany “The policy of reducing Germany to servitude for a generation, of degrading the lives of millions of human beings, and depriving a nation of happiness should be abhorrent and detestable.”1 Before the Weimar Republic was even established, the economic challenges were too great to overcome. In order to combat unemployment, and generate income to pay back reparations, the Weimar implemented social spending and raised prices nationwide. This increased the demand for money and thus resulted in the increased printing of paper marks, sparking hyperinflation.

Hyperinflation swept through Germany in 1923, as a result of the imposition of the Treaty of Versailles and the economic circumstances of Germany Post-World War One. The terms of the Treaty meant that capital was geared towards the payment of reparations, however passive resistance during the French occupation of the Ruhr reduced output significantly. German industry was majorly diminished and trade was weak, but the government did not carry out economic reforms to spare the suffering of the German people. Meanwhile the Weimar Republic carried out heavy expenditure on welfare and nationalised industries such as the railroad and postal service. In October 1923 only 0.8% of government expenses were funded through tax revenue. Therefore more money was required to match the demand for wages, war pensions, industry and most importantly, reparations. The value of the German currency fell and hyperinflation quickly set in, at the peak of hyperinflation in November 1923 one US dollar was worth 4.2 quadrillion marks. Stresemann introduced the new currency, the Rentenmark, backed by German land and industrial assets to stabilise the German economy. The legacy of this hyperinflation crisis worsened the impact of the Great Depression in 1929.


In October 1929 the New York stock market collapsed and the United States recalled their short-term loans to Germany, and in turn the German economy began to collapse. David Childs affirms, “There were fears about Germany’s political future which caused massive repatriation of short term credits.”2 Globally, countries moved to protect their own domestic assets, placing high prices on trade and tariffs on foreign goods. This shattered the German economy as it majorly relied on international trade. As a solution to the crisis Chancellor Heinrich Brüning applied a policy of deflation – detailing the increase of taxation and the decrease of government expenditure – in order to balance the budget and restore confidence to stimulate investment. Despite being rejected in the Reichstag Brüning appealed to the president and used Article 48 to implement the new budget and later dissolve the Reichstag. This display of absolute power marks a significant moment for the failure of democracy in Germany. The impact of the Great Depression was greatly social and political as much as it was economical. Vast unemployment plagued Germany causing significant dissatisfaction with the Weimar Republic to emerge as it did in 1923, “As Germany plunged deeper into the Depression, growing numbers of middle class citizens began to see in the youthful dynamism of the Nazi Party a possible way out of the situation.” 3 Therefore it can be seen that the economic crisis in Germany emphasised and gave rise to social and political issues.

Economic weakness also impacted the social and political circumstances of Germany. Unemployment was rife and the German people became deeply dissatisfied with democracy and the new politicians governing them. Although the Weimar Republic was able to overcome this instance, the German economy never fully recovered from the effects of hyperinflation. The introduction of the Dawes plan in 1924 implemented a German reliance on American loans. The prosperity of the Weimar Republic during 1924-1929 was reliant on these loans, while it allowed industry to be rebuilt, improved the standard of living and encouraged Germany’s cultural sphere to flourish - it also had devastating impacts on the middle class and agricultural sector. The middle class were reduced down to the same status as the working class, as “Middle-class savers experienced the trauma of seeing the value of their savings completely wiped out.”4
Neither identifying with the working class nor cooperating with big business; this deep social class divide emphasised their dissatisfaction with the Weimar Republic . Farmers suffered greatly after hyperinflation, lack of profit led them further into debt and discouraged investment in new machinery. In reality this period is only known as the ‘Golden Years’ in stark comparison to the periods of suffering proceeding and following them. This dissatisfaction forced these groups to seek change from extremist parties like the Nazi party. This dissatisfaction occurred again on a greater scale during the Great Depression.

The Great depression had a significant social impact upon the German people. As the social and psychological state of the German people was already tainted by the impact of the Treaty of Versailles, the economic crises worsened the existing situation. AJP Taylor recognises that “the depression put the wind into Hitler’s sails”5, the working classes were subjected to poverty as many suffered eviction, children were forced to work and health levels significantly deteriorated. Middle class families became humiliated as they descended the ranks of the proletariat. This humiliation was a nationwide phenomenon, which snowballed from the establishment of the Republic and proved to be a major factor to its collapse. The Weimar Republic was responsible for signing the shameful Treaty of Versailles, accepting defeat and humiliation onto Germany, especially in clause 231 – the Guilt Clause. The stab in the back myth worked to concentrate hatred upon the new government and promote anti-Semitism in Germany, which Adolf Hitler later used to gather widespread support for the Nazi Party. While this humiliation was evident surrounding the French occupation of the Ruhr and the Hyperinflation crisis in 1923, the wider populous had not yet turned to extreme options as the Nazi party only received 6.6% of seats in the Reichstag. However, in July 1932 the Nazi party received 38% of seats in the Reichstag, making it the majority party.6 This proves that the Great Depression had significant social impacts on the Weimar Republic which lead to the rise of the Nazi Party, and in turn its collapse. The Great Depression also sparked greater political challenges for the Republic.

Political competition and constitutional weakness also contributed to the collapse of the Weimar republic.  Most of these political issues are not a direct result of economic weakness as according to Ian Kershaw “some of the causes of Germany’s problems stemmed from the world economic setting, but many of them were endogenous (growing from within).”7AJP Taylor argues that the main contributors to the collapse of the Weimar republic were the faults in its constitution, “the economic crisis of 1929-33 did not give the deathblow to the republic, at most it drew attention to the fact that the republic was dead.”8. Proportional representation was seen as the most democratic system; nonetheless it created the political instability of the Weimar republic as it led to the growth of many small and often extremist parties. Conversely, Article 48 of the Weimar Constitution undermined any protection from an abuse of power that proportional representation, theoretically, guaranteed, “the Reich President may take the measures necessary to re-establish law and order, if necessary using armed force. In the pursuit of this aim he may suspend civil rights”9. Article 48 proved to be a significant contributor to the collapse of the Weimar Republic. From 1919 to 1923 President Ebert utilised Article 48 on 135 occasions, and President Von Hindenburg applied the emergency powers almost continuously until Hitler’s appointment as chancellor in 1933. The system of proportional representation contributed to the legitimacy and frequency of the Republic’s political opponents.

Similarly, some social issues facing the Republic were also endogenous, including the lack of democratic tradition as well as the role of the army and judiciary. Long standing military tradition in Germany meant that the imposition of democracy upon the Republic was rushed and flawed from the outset. Richard Evans maintains, “It (the Weimar Republic) was unloved and undefended by its servants in the army and the bureaucracy.”10 This lack of democratic tradition in Germany established the opposition to the Republic from traditional conservative institutions such as the Judiciary and the Army. The loyalty of the judiciary can be observed through the light sentencing of Adolf Hitler and others involved in the Munich Beerhall Putsch, as the conservative judges sympathised with this extreme right wing ideology. The role of the Army was a significant social factor in the collapse of the Weimar Republic.

The Weimar Republic faced threat from both the Left and Right wing. While the terms of the Ebert-Groener pact effectively worked to quell the Spartacist Uprising in January 1919, the loyalty of the army lay in the Right. During the Kapp Putsch of 1920 the army did not protect the government, as “Reichswehr does not fire on Reichswehr.” 11 While the Kapp Putsch failed, it exposed the weaknesses of the government, as well as the power and loyalty of the army, for the first time. Carsten argues that “During the subsequent 13 years the two lived next to each other, but not with each other”12. The actions of Von Seeckt, in refusing to protect the government from the Freikorps, separated the army from the government, essentially creating an independent state, as the Weimar “recognised the Army’s position as a state within a state and subject only to itself.”13 Later uses of the army by von Schliecher would remove Chancellor von Papen from power and legitimise the Nazis claim to power.

Economic weakness of the Weimar Republic provided significant opportunity for the Nazi party, however there were political and social elements, which also contributed. Political weaknesses of the Weimar republic significantly contributed to the rise of the Nazi party. The circumstances under which the Weimar government was formed, shameful submission to the treaty of Versailles, established the social distrust and opposition to the Republic. The flaws in the constitution of the Weimar Republic ultimately proved to be arguably the most significant factor in Rise of the Nazi Party, as it allowed Hitler to gain power legally, and also in the collapse of the Weimar Republic. The social disposition of the army and the bureaucracy legitimised Hitler’s rise to power in 1933, the support of Chancellors von Schliecher and von Papen assisted in bringing Hitler into power, and the SA were powerful sources of intimidation and propaganda to bring the Nazi party to victory in the Reichstag. While social and political circumstances did impact the rise of the Nazi Party, economic weaknesses were the most significant contributor to the Nazi Party’s rise to power.

JW Hiden contends that the Great Depression was the key element to the growth of the Nazi Party “More than any other party the NSDAP depended on the crisis for its successful growth… in 1933…the SA… reached nearly 300 000 men.”14 Nazi support was strong in the lower-middle classes who were the most effected by the Great Depression. The Depression drastically impacted the voting patterns of the German people as they turned away from democratic parties like the DVP, DPP and DVNP towards more extreme alternatives like the NSDAP in hopes of dramatic reform “the NSDAP had grown from a radical splinter party into a mass movement. It had changed the framework of politics in Germany in a revolutionary way.”15 The Nazi Party utilised the social and political weaknesses to their advantage in order to gain power and support, however the most significant contributor to the rise of the Nazi Party was the vulnerability coming out of the economic weaknesses of the Weimar Republic. The Rise of the Nazi Party was a crucial element in the collapse of the Weimar Republic.
Economic weaknesses contributed to the collapse of the Weimar Republic to a great extent, as economic weakness gave rise to further political and social issues. Social and political weaknesses of the Weimar Republic, like the lack of democratic tradition and the weaknesses in the constitution, compromised the operation of the Republic from its outset. However the economic weaknesses faced by the Weimar Republic, like hyperinflation in 1923 and the great depression, created further political and social challenges as well as opportunity for an opponent to gain power.


Your essay with bolded comments:
Spoiler
To what extent did economic weaknesses contribute to the collapse of the Weimar Republic?

Economic weaknesses contributed to the collapse of the Weimar Republic to a great extent, as economic weakness gave rise to further political and social issues. (It's great how your first sentence responds to the question with your own opinion. However, in either your first or second sentences, you need to provide the details about the time period.)Not only did the Republic face hyperinflation and the great depression (capital letters!), the new leaders had to face political hardships such as the terms of the treaty of Versailles and faults within it’s constitution (this sounds like you are saying the faults within the Treaty's Constitution. I think you need to rephrase this to make sure it is clear that you are talking about the Republic's Constitution.). The new government (Can you be more concise here? Who was the new government? What kind of government? Democratic? Republic? Monarchy? This is a key detail in this time period! :)had to face these matters without the (Well, there was support, but only to a certain degree. So make sure you clarify that there wasn't overwhelming/majority support) support of the German public and the mass of political competition, particularly the rise of the of the Nazi party. Ultimately the impacts of economic weakness lead to the collapse of the Weimar Republic in 1933.

Economic weaknesses alone proved to be a significant contributor to the collapse of the Weimar Republic. This is essentially your thesis. Instead, we want to see what will dictate this paragraph specifically, not what your whole introduction aims at. Your paragraph needs to show a direct link to what is yet to come in your body paragraph, in the first line of the para.By 1918 the German economy was severely impacted by their funding of the First World War Can you get a figure here to show how much they spent? How much in debt they were?. The obstruction of German imports and exports through the naval blockade, as well as the strict control of all European exports to Germany, through the 1917 Memorandum to the War Cabinet on the trade blockade, destroyed the trade industry in Germany. This significant decrease of income and increase of war expenditure, including the spending of all German gold reserves, amounted in German bankruptcy. The Treaty of Versailles aggravated the economic strain upon Germany, as Germany was; ordered to pay upwards of $30 billion USD and stripped of income generating industrial areas such as Silesia, including the occupation of the Ruhr. British economist John Keynes criticised the severe impact that the treaty of Versailles would have upon Germany “The policy of reducing Germany to servitude for a generation, of degrading the lives of millions of human beings, and depriving a nation of happiness should be abhorrent and detestable.”1 Before the Weimar Republic was even established, the economic challenges were too great to overcome. In order to combat unemployment, and generate income to pay back reparations, the Weimar implemented social spending and raised prices nationwide. This increased the demand for money and thus resulted in the increased printing of paper marks, sparking hyperinflation. You've raised a lot of points in this paragraph. Unfortunately, it lacks direction. This comes down to the way you opened the paragraph, I wasn't given the direction you wanted to take.

Hyperinflation swept through Germany in 1923, as a result of the imposition of the Treaty of Versailles and the economic circumstances of Germany Post-World War One. Yas!!! This is what I'm talking about. Hyperinflation - key term - i know what to expect now!) The terms of the Treaty meant that capital was geared towards the payment of reparations, however passive resistance during the French occupation of the Ruhr reduced output significantly.(give me the year details for this - just so you show the marker that you know that this happened early on). German industry was majorly diminished and trade was weak, but the government did not carry out economic reforms to spare the suffering of the German people. Meanwhile the Weimar Republic carried out heavy expenditure on welfare and nationalised industries such as the railroad and postal service. In October 1923 only 0.8% of government expenses were funded through tax revenue. Therefore more money was required to match the demand for wages, war pensions, industry and most importantly, reparations. The value of the German currency fell and hyperinflation quickly set in, at the peak of hyperinflation in November 1923 one US dollar was worth 4.2 quadrillion marks.(this is a great specific stat  - great work! Stresemann (Explain a little about Stresemann and about when he came in.) introduced the new currency, the Rentenmark, backed by German land and industrial assets to stabilise the German economy. The legacy of this hyperinflation crisis worsened the impact of the Great Depression in 1929. In this paragraph, you start and end with the focus on hyperinflation. There is a part in the middle where it isn't so clear. You can mention smaller facts like that restaurant's didn't print menus with prices because the prices went up before the food arrives - or that people were carrying around wheelbarrows of money because there was not a note with a large enough monetary quantity to buy even a loaf of bread.


In October 1929 the New York stock market collapsed and the United States recalled their short-term loans to Germany, and in turn the German economy began to collapse. David Childs affirms, “There were fears about Germany’s political future which caused massive repatriation of short term credits.”(Tell me who David Childs is? You need to specify these things in an exam - just so that your marker isn't suspicious that David Childs is the boy you sit next to in class). Globally, countries moved to protect their own domestic assets, placing high prices on trade and tariffs on foreign goods. This shattered the German economy as it majorly relied on international trade. As a solution to the crisis Chancellor Heinrich Brüning applied a policy of deflation – detailing the increase of taxation and the decrease of government expenditure – in order to balance the budget and restore confidence to stimulate investment. Despite being rejected in the Reichstag, Brüning appealed to the President and used Article 48 of?to implement the new budget and later dissolve the Reichstag. This display of absolute power marks a significant moment for the failure of democracy in Germany. The impact of the Great Depression was greatly social and political as much as it was economical. Vast unemployment plagued Germany causing significant dissatisfaction with the Weimar Republic to emerge as it did in 1923, “As Germany plunged deeper into the Depression, growing numbers of middle class citizens began to see in the youthful dynamism of the Nazi Party a possible way out of the situation.” 3 Therefore it can be seen that the economic crisis in Germany emphasised and gave rise to social and political issues.

Economic weakness also impacted the social and political circumstances of Germany. Unemployment was rife and the German people became deeply dissatisfied with democracy and the new politicians governing them. Although the Weimar Republic was able to overcome this instance(when? How?), the German economy never fully recovered from the effects of hyperinflation. The introduction of the Dawes plan in 1924 implemented a German reliance on American loans. The prosperity of the Weimar Republic during 1924-1929 was reliant on these loans, while it allowed industry to be rebuilt, improved the standard of living and encouraged Germany’s cultural sphere to flourish - it also had devastating impacts on the middle class and agricultural sector. The middle class were reduced down to the same status as the working class, as “Middle-class savers experienced the trauma of seeing the value of their savings completely wiped out.” (Quote from where?)
Neither identifying with the working class nor cooperating with big business; this deep social class divide emphasised their dissatisfaction with the Weimar Republic . Farmers suffered greatly after hyperinflation, lack of profit led them further into debt and discouraged investment in new machinery. In reality this period is only known as the ‘Golden Years’ in stark comparison to the periods of suffering proceeding and following them. This dissatisfaction forced these groups to seek change from extremist parties like the Nazi party. This dissatisfaction occurred again on a greater scale during the Great Depression.

The Great depression had a significant social impact upon the German people. As the social and psychological state of the German people was already tainted by the impact of the Treaty of Versailles, the economic crises worsened the existing situation. AJP Taylor (Tell us that AJP Taylor is a historian - don't assume we know that they aren't any old person on the street ;) ) recognises that “the depression put the wind into Hitler’s sails”5, the working classes were subjected to poverty as many suffered eviction, children were forced to work and health levels significantly deteriorated. Middle class families became humiliated as they descended the ranks of the proletariat. This humiliation was a nationwide phenomenon, which snowballed from the establishment of the Republic and proved to be a major factor to its collapse. The Weimar Republic was responsible for signing the shameful Treaty of Versailles, accepting defeat and humiliation onto Germany, especially in clause 231 – the Guilt Clause. The stab in the back myth worked to concentrate hatred upon the new government and promote anti-Semitism in Germany, which Adolf Hitler later used to gather widespread support for the Nazi Party. (We've moved from talking about the Great Depression at the start, to yalking about Hitler, the Treaty and Hyperinflation. Each paragraph must have a clear direction.) While this humiliation was evident surrounding the French occupation of the Ruhr and the Hyperinflation crisis in 1923, the wider populous had not yet turned to extreme options as the Nazi party only received 6.6% of seats in the Reichstag. However, in July 1932 the Nazi party received 38% of seats in the Reichstag, making it the majority party.6 This proves that the Great Depression had significant social impacts on the Weimar Republic which lead to the rise of the Nazi Party, and in turn its collapse. The Great Depression also sparked greater political challenges for the Republic.

Political competition and constitutional weakness also contributed to the collapse of the Weimar republic. You haven't credited this in your introduction. Your argument/take on the question never argued this side of things. I suggest that you revisit your initial thesis and propose the idea that there were other factors that lead to the downfall other than economics. Most of these political issues are not a direct result of economic weakness as according to Ian Kershaw “some of the causes of Germany’s problems stemmed from the world economic setting, but many of them were endogenous (growing from within).”7AJP Taylor argues that the main contributors to the collapse of the Weimar republic were the faults in its constitution, “the economic crisis of 1929-33 did not give the deathblow to the republic, at most it drew attention to the fact that the republic was dead.”8. Proportional representation was seen as the most democratic system; nonetheless it created the political instability of the Weimar republic as it led to the growth of many small and often extremist parties. Conversely, Article 48 of the Weimar Constitution undermined any protection from an abuse of power that proportional representation, theoretically, guaranteed, “the Reich President may take the measures necessary to re-establish law and order, if necessary using armed force. In the pursuit of this aim he may suspend civil rights”9. Article 48 proved to be a significant contributor to the collapse of the Weimar Republic. From 1919 to 1923 President Ebert utilised Article 48 on 135 occasions, and President Von Hindenburg applied the emergency powers almost continuously until Hitler’s appointment as chancellor in 1933. The system of proportional representation contributed to the legitimacy and frequency of the Republic’s political opponents.

Similarly, some social issues facing the Republic were also endogenous, including the lack of democratic tradition as well as the role of the army and judiciary. Long standing military tradition in Germany meant that the imposition of democracy upon the Republic was rushed and flawed from the outset. (who? We need a title :) )Richard Evans maintains, “It (the Weimar Republic) was unloved and undefended by its servants in the army and the bureaucracy.”10 This lack of democratic tradition in Germany established the opposition to the Republic from traditional conservative institutions such as the Judiciary and the Army. The loyalty of the judiciary can be observed through the light sentencing of Adolf Hitler and others involved in the Munich Beerhall Putsch, as the conservative judges sympathised with this extreme right wing ideology. The role of the Army was a significant social factor in the collapse of the Weimar Republic. These are good points, and these are the things you should be considering in your introduction! :)

The Weimar Republic faced threat from both the Left and Right wing. While the terms of the Ebert-Groener pact effectively worked to quell the Spartacist Uprising in January 1919, the loyalty of the army lay in the Right. During the Kapp Putsch of 1920 the army did not protect the government, as “Reichswehr does not fire on Reichswehr.” 11 While the Kapp Putsch failed, it exposed the weaknesses of the government, as well as the power and loyalty of the army, for the first time. Carsten argues that “During the subsequent 13 years the two lived next to each other, but not with each other”12. The actions of Von Seeckt, in refusing to protect the government from the Freikorps, separated the army from the government, essentially creating an independent state, as the Weimar “recognised the Army’s position as a state within a state and subject only to itself.”13 Later uses of the army by von Schliecher would remove Chancellor von Papen from power and legitimise the Nazis claim to power.

Economic weakness of the Weimar Republic provided significant opportunity for the Nazi party, however there were political and social elements, which also contributed. Political weaknesses of the Weimar republic significantly contributed to the rise of the Nazi party. The circumstances under which the Weimar government was formed, shameful submission to the treaty of Versailles, established the social distrust and opposition to the Republic. The flaws in the constitution of the Weimar Republic ultimately proved to be arguably the most significant factor in Rise of the Nazi Party, as it allowed Hitler to gain power legally, and also in the collapse of the Weimar Republic. The social disposition of the army and the bureaucracy legitimised Hitler’s rise to power in 1933, the support of Chancellors von Schliecher and von Papen assisted in bringing Hitler into power, and the SA were powerful sources of intimidation and propaganda to bring the Nazi party to victory in the Reichstag. While social and political circumstances did impact the rise of the Nazi Party, economic weaknesses were the most significant contributor to the Nazi Party’s rise to power.

JW Hiden contends that the Great Depression was the key element to the growth of the Nazi Party “More than any other party the NSDAP depended on the crisis for its successful growth… in 1933…the SA… reached nearly 300 000 men.”14 Nazi support was strong in the lower-middle classes who were the most effected by the Great Depression. The Depression drastically impacted the voting patterns of the German people as they turned away from democratic parties like the DVP, DPP and DVNP towards more extreme alternatives like the NSDAP in hopes of dramatic reform “the NSDAP had grown from a radical splinter party into a mass movement. It had changed the framework of politics in Germany in a revolutionary way.”15 The Nazi Party utilised the social and political weaknesses to their advantage in order to gain power and support, however the most significant contributor to the rise of the Nazi Party was the vulnerability coming out of the economic weaknesses of the Weimar Republic. The Rise of the Nazi Party was a crucial element in the collapse of the Weimar Republic.
Economic weaknesses contributed to the collapse of the Weimar Republic to a great extent, as economic weakness gave rise to further political and social issues. Social and political weaknesses of the Weimar Republic, like the lack of democratic tradition and the weaknesses in the constitution, compromised the operation of the Republic from its outset. However the economic weaknesses faced by the Weimar Republic, like hyperinflation in 1923 and the great depression, created further political and social challenges as well as opportunity for an opponent to gain power.

The last three paragraphs weren't specifically commented on because the same critiques would have been repeated.

Essentially:
-Your thesis must incorporate the perspectives you will raise.
-Your introduction should briefly label a few points you will discuss, hyperinflation, for example.
-Each scholar must have their title identified.
-Provide as many dates as possible. If you don't know the date but you do know whether it was early on in the Republic or near its collapse - identify that!
-Ensure that each paragraph starts with a very specific direction and follows that path throughout - no tangents.

Your understanding of the era and the question is very thorough. You know a lot about the era and all different kinds of facts, and you can also look at it wholesomely and make an informed opinion. It is your clarity of expression that needs a bit of improvement so that it sits at the same level that your knwoledge does!

Also, this is very long. You will need to cut it down for an exam style situation! Try condensing your paragraphs into each other :)

Hopefully this makes sense. Structure is the issue here, not knowledge. So that is easily fixed! :)

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elysepopplewell

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #32 on: March 22, 2016, 08:24:15 am »
Hey :)
I have my half yearlies next week and the question I have answer is "To what extent was the collapse of the Weimar Republic the result of the Depression?" which, coincidentally is almost the exact question to a practice essay I uploaded on here a few weeks ago. I've added to and modified the essay a fair bit since then, but your feedback last time was a huge help so I was wondering if you'd mind having a read over this one?
Thankyou so much:)

Hey there! I really want to give you a hand but it is awkward to edit a PDF file, the reason being, when I copy and paste it into the chat here the line breaks that exist in the PDF, exist here, even though it should reformat to the size of the text box. It is awkward to explain, but if you copy and paste it from a PDF you'll realise too haha. If you could please upload as a word document or as a comment on the forum, I will get back to you ASAP! :)
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imtrying

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #33 on: March 22, 2016, 02:21:19 pm »
Here it is as a Word document:)
Year 12 2016 (94.20)
English (Adv), Maths Ext.1, Modern History, Biology and Physics

birdwing341

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #34 on: April 28, 2016, 11:50:19 am »
Hello :)

I've written an essay on "Assess the view that Nazism was totalitarian". I've added an extra paragraph at the beginning which is kinda redundant and I was wondering how I could integrate this into my other three paragraphs.

Thanks!

jakesilove

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #35 on: April 28, 2016, 02:18:23 pm »
Hello :)

I've written an essay on "Assess the view that Nazism was totalitarian". I've added an extra paragraph at the beginning which is kinda redundant and I was wondering how I could integrate this into my other three paragraphs.

Thanks!

Hey!

I know you only really wanted me to help you integrate that first paragraph into the rest of the text, but I couldn't help read through the rest of your essay. My first general comment: absolutely phenomenal essay. I was completely blown away.

The depth of your knowledge is immense, and the level that you are analysing an already complex question is seriously impressive. Keep going along this path, and you will get an incredible mark. The only corollary to this would perhaps be to include a few more specific details (dates, stats, etc. etc.) to solidify some of the more ideological argument.

As for the specific paragraph, I honestly think that, for the most part (other than the Friedrich vs Dietrich model discussion) you've already covered it elsewhere in the essay. I would be really wary being TOO 'broad' (I'm not sure what the right word to use is: You discuss ideology generally as opposed to discussing matters specifically, which is good, but make sure to do both rather than focusing on one).

You could definitely work a sentence about the criticism of the test you are using into your introduction or conclusion, but honestly I probably wouldn't go further than that. Whilst it is an amazing essay, you want to make sure it is amazing FOR THE HSC. Being too 'conceptual' can sometimes be problematic; discuss conceptual frameworks, then apply it to specific circumstances.

I think that basically sums up my general feedback! It's a great essay, really incredible.

Jake
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birdwing341

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #36 on: April 28, 2016, 07:54:23 pm »
Thanks Jake :)

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #37 on: May 04, 2016, 09:26:28 pm »
Hey! So i'm writing a German national study essay. It's a very easy question but i'm still not doing the best (that I know I can). I'm great at talking, but not at writing and I'm just generally practicing my writing. I'm not sure if it's succinct or properly proven, though? Do you mind having a look at it?

Sorry and thank you.

jakesilove

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #38 on: May 05, 2016, 11:26:25 am »
Hey! So i'm writing a German national study essay. It's a very easy question but i'm still not doing the best (that I know I can). I'm great at talking, but not at writing and I'm just generally practicing my writing. I'm not sure if it's succinct or properly proven, though? Do you mind having a look at it?

Sorry and thank you.

Hey Matilda! Didn't want to keep you hanging, so I thought I'd just quickly let you know that I'm super busy until tomorrow, but will definitely take a look at your essay tomorrow morning!!

Jake
ATAR: 99.80

Mathematics Extension 2: 93
Physics: 93
Chemistry: 93
Modern History: 94
English Advanced: 95
Mathematics: 96
Mathematics Extension 1: 98

Studying a combined Advanced Science/Law degree at UNSW

matilda_woody

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #39 on: May 05, 2016, 11:29:34 am »
Awesome! Thank you!

jakesilove

  • HSC Lecturer
  • Honorary Moderator
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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #40 on: May 06, 2016, 03:11:46 pm »
Hey! So i'm writing a German national study essay. It's a very easy question but i'm still not doing the best (that I know I can). I'm great at talking, but not at writing and I'm just generally practicing my writing. I'm not sure if it's succinct or properly proven, though? Do you mind having a look at it?

Sorry and thank you.

Hey! Firstly, I just want to mention that this is not at all an easy essay question. In fact, when I was doing MH, I would have started crying during any exam with this in it. It's not really a focus of the curriculum, and to be honest I don't think it's a particularly interesting section. Answering an essay question on this topic is definitely tricky :)

Original Essay:
Spoiler
To what extent was Germany’s social and
cultural life transformed between 1933 and 1939?
The German social and cultural life was drastically transformed between 1933 and 1939.
Between 1933 and 1939, Germany was gripped under the Führer principle, trying to attempt a
gleichschaltung, eventuating in the volksgemeinschaft. This allowed for political, military,
religious, legal, education, ideological and media representation to change, alongside business
and industry economical manipulation and the family role within the Nazi Government,
impacting social and cultural life. The significant changes that then occurred caused widespread
socio­economic­judicial change that meant that further transformation occurred.
The aim of increasing terror within the population of Nazi Germany through political and military
transformations caused major changes to social and cultural life of the German population.
There were no free elections with the only party being the National Socialist German Worker’s
Party (NSDAP) due to the emergency decrees of 1933. This essentially allowed Hitler to
predominantly hold all the power. This meant that the Sturmabteilung (SA), Schutzstaffel (SS),
Sicherheitsdienst des Reichsführers­SS (SD), and the Foreign Office gained a role of terror,
operating as separate organisations towards the ongoing social and cultural change
domestically.
Propaganda, through racism, beliefs in the inferiority of the mentally and physically
handicapped, and the media, allowed for a revolutionary transformation of the social and
cultural lives of the population in Germany between 1933 and 1939, creating inclusion and
exclusion within the volksgemeinschaft, allowing for gleichschaltung. The message of
propaganda was conveyed through radio, press, film, posters, paintings, sculptures,
architecture, literature, social policies, youth movements, schools, sport, parades and rallies. It
was an all­consuming resource of infiltration, to which Goebbels states: “only repetition can
finally bring success in the matter of instilling ideas into the memory of the crowd.” The culture of
Germany in the 1930s, was played upon continuously. T. Golomstock in his work ‘Totalitarian
Art’ (1990, pg. xii) hypothesised that “in a totalitarian system, art performs the function of
transforming the raw material of dry ideology into the fuel” of the masses. For example,
anti­semitism was initiated through governmental measures, such as the Jewish Affairs Offices,
outcasting them and eventuating in programs such as the 1939 Euthanasia Policy. Book
burnings portrayed the mass censorship of the media, with newspapers only being able to print
pro­governmental pieces, of the sorts of Der Stürmer’s ‘The Poisonous Mushroom’. Any form of
public, consumerist information and entertainment (radio and film, for example) were heavily
laden with propaganda, with ‘The Eternal Jew’ as an example, becoming the norm from the
Geobbel’s Reich Ministry of Popular Enlightenment and Propaganda. Press, radio and film
swiftly became the most efficient and rewarding way to ‘enlighten’ the masses. Speer suggested
that “through technical devices like the radio… 80 million people were deprived of independent
thought. It was thereby possible to subject them to the will of one man.” Propaganda played a
crucial role in the creation of the Volksgemeinschaft, the Führer principle, allowing for
gleichschaltung.
Through the institutionalisation of Nazi ideologies, the cultural and social life of the German
peoples transformed dramatically, as portrayed through religion, the legal system and
education. One of the ways that Nazi aims failed was through the usurpation of religious
traditions. Hitler initiated a policy of control to weaken and replace the Churches. Despite the
Concordat, Hitler worried about the influence of the Churches over the public. Due to the
disorganisation of the Nazi party, many people still rebelled against their radical beliefs. The
majority of Bavarian peo continued to use the traditional greeting ‘Gruss Gott’, meaning ‘God
greet you,’ rather than the official ‘Heil Hitler.’ In 1936, church groups were disbanded and the
Hitler Youth had an increase in registration because of it and there was a lesser pressure upon
schools to teach religious studies enabling the a decrease of 60% of attendance of Church run
schools to 5% between 1935 and 1939. Over 200 priests were also accused of sexual
misconduct and financial misbehaviour, eventuating in show trials and numerous monasteries
being closed down. The Nazi Party also launched a ‘Church Succession Campaign’ to
encourage the abandonment of faith. In 1937 over 100,000 Christians left the Church, and in
1939 3.5 million Germans were members of the neo­pagan movement. Also, the legal system’s
Nazi indoctrination, as evidenced through the Nuremberg Laws and the establishment of the
People’s Court, meant that judges’ decisions were determined by Nazi policy, not law,
eventuating massive judicial change. The education system also followed Nazi ideology.
Rassenkunde, a type of racial social studies, was initiated, introducing elements of the Hitler
Youth’s teachings, with Dr. Schuster, a geography teacher describing the issue in an interview
in 1938 (quoted in E. Amy Buller’s ‘Darkness Over Germany’ (1945)) as no longer having “any
intellectual freedom… And education is being degraded by political interference… Political
agents, often ignorant and stupid men… Interfere with my teaching of geography. Some of them
don't seem to realise that any countries exist except Germany…” The Nazi Party Teacher’s
Union (1936) became mandatory, Jewish professors and students were banned, and a
stereotypical masculine preference was prefered, with those seen as intellectuals ranking lower
than those of great physical ability in the social order. By institutionally ingraining Nazi
ideologies, the social and cultural life of Germany was greatly impacted, causing a
transformation between 1933 and 1939.
Business and industry allowed for the volksgemeinschaft to successfully transform cultural and
social, employing a “get the job done” objective. Under the Nazi Government, large firms
expanded and smaller firms declined. A Nazi ideologue was one of Gottfried Feder, wanting to
‘protect the small businessman.’ The Four Year Plan allowed for state supervision of industry in
the interests of national unity. This meant that the order of goods, supplies and products trade to
be controlled by IG Farben, with the expertise from Krupps, and fixed prices, the control of raw
materials and control investment to be regulated by Daimler­Benz. Originally, thanks to the Law
to Protect Retail Trade (1933), the Mittelstand seemed to be in favour of the Nazi Government
(once being their main supply of votes), but the number of independent artisans fell from
1,645,000 to 1,500,000 within 1936­39 even though their value of trade doubled due to the
autarky ideology. The struggles of the small business was not helped by the government’s
cartelisation processes, either. In a report for SOPADE in 1037 on farmers’ views, it is quoted
that “the ‘production battle’... Has limited even further the right of the farmer to market his
products freely,” essentially indicating a centrally planned economy with large firms
monopolising industry. There was no major growth in foreign trade during the 1930s as
Schacht’s series of bilateral deals were replaced by an emphasis on autarky. The government
looked to domestic production, rather than external trade, and foreign conquest to obtain critical
resources. The Wannsee Conference set forth a goal to be achieved, a plan on which experts’
skills (with E.G. Farbon supplying Zyklon B and Krupp supplying weaponry). Efficiency and the
time management associated with it was a major concern with final resources being taken into
account. Trade unions were outlawed, being considered communist, and the banking industry
working closely with the Finance Ministry in acquiring money from the Jewish community (for
example, the golden teeth of the Jews would be taken). Professionals were highly sought after.
Doctors, with the extreme of Mengeles, chemists, those who perfected the gas, engineers and
architects, who designed the gas chambers and crematoriums, and physicists, who conducted
experimentations with weaponry, were the most crucial. Other professionals, however, were
placed in a hierarchy of importance within the Volksgemeinschaft, affecting the exclusion of the
asocials, disabled and Jewish communities. By excluding those from outside the
volksgemeinschaft from professions and major affairs, by placing emphasis on time
management, resources and efficient affairs, business, industry and professionals manipulated
the volksgemeinschaft for their own profit and success, causing a gleichschaltung of economy
and enterprise to occur.
Family life, on a meso and micro level of society, underwent a gleichschaltung, impacting the
German social and cultural life dramatically. The role of the family and the people within the
family changed. German youth’s roles transformed into a stereotypically traditional sense.
Robert Ley, the leader of the Labour Front (DAF), reportedly said that they started their “work
when the child is three. As soon as it begins to think, a little flag is put into his hand,” evidencing
the Nazi aims of boys and girls to join the DAF and NSDAP. They were to be independent,
idolise the Führer, be physically fit, sacrifice themselves for the national good and to do
everything to strengthen the health and racial purity of the German nation (through their
respective gender roles and contributions). Nazi youth policy is debated in its effectiveness with
some claiming that “amongst working class youths one can hear much criticisms” (from
SOPADE reports, 1935), but realistically the only real importance is that of the fact that they
were “politically programmed : to obey orders, to cultivate the soldierly ‘virtue’ of standing to
attention and saying ‘Yes, sir,’ and to stop thinking when the magic word ‘Fatherland’ was
uttered” (a German reflecting upon his youth in the Third Reich as quoted from D. Peukert’s ‘Life
in the Third Reich, ed. R. Bessel, 1987, pg. 27). Men were to run and work the country, women
were to breed and care for the country. In 1935, during a rally of 100,000 members of the Hitler
Youth and League of German Girls (BDM) in Nuremberg, 900 fifteen to eighteen year old girls
became pregnant, and a German describes her experience in the BDM as it having “a bad
effect on [their] school reports. We had no time for homework,” portraying the girls’ jobs as being
physically fit and fertile, but not as intelligent or dominant. Women within the Nazi ideology were
deemed to have a mission of being “beautiful and [to] bring children into the world” (Geobbels,
1929), with sexual activity serving the function of procreation and the maintenance of the life of
the nation, not for enjoyment. In 1943 a Marriage Law was drawn up but never enacted, stating
that:
“All single and married woman up to the age of 35 who do not already have four children should
be obliged to produce four children by racially pure German men. Whether these men are
married is of no significance. Every family that already has four children must set the father free
for this action.”
This proposal for a law showed that while marriage was considered to be a “long lasting, lifelong
union of two people genetically healthy persons of the same race… And is based upon ties of
loyalty, love and respect,” (extract from contemporary Nazi publication), the mission of breeding
was deemed more socially important, reimagining the family role and structure. Gaining the
Honour Cross of German Motherhood was, of course, then seen as one of the highest honours
to be bestowed among a women and her family. The Nazi policy, however, was mainly driven
towards the propaganda of the creation of a healthy, Aryan family. This gleichschaltung of the
volksgemeinschaft’s familiar and gender roles and structures allowed for widespread,
transformative social and cultural change due to the goal of reproduction and maintenance of
the micro and meso levels of the German nationality.
Terror, propaganda, the institutionalisation of Nazi ideologies, business and industry
manipulation and family life alterations, allowed for political, military, religious, legal, education,
ideological and media representation to change, impacting social and cultural life. These
methods of attempting to promote gleichschaltung eventuated in the volksgemeinschaft,
allowing for mass transformation of the social and cultural life of Germans under Nazi rule
between the years of 1933 and 1939.

Essay with Comments:
Spoiler
To what extent was Germany’s social and
cultural life transformed between 1933 and 1939?

The German social and cultural life was drastically transformed between 1933 and 1939. Good
Between 1933 and 1939, Germany was gripped under the Führer principle, Use German wherever possible: Fuhrerprincip if I recall correctly! trying to attempt a
gleichschaltung, eventuating in the volksgemeinschaft. I think you may be using these words slightly incorrectly in terms of grammar: talk about a 'policy of gleichschaltung' rather than attempting one. This allowed for political, military,
religious, legal, education, ideological and media representation to change, alongside business
and industry economical manipulation and the family role within the Nazi Government,
impacting social and cultural life. The significant changes that then occurred caused widespread
socio­economic­judicial change that meant that further transformation occurred. Bit of a wish-washy sentence, try to clean it up a little bit.

I think that, for an essay like this, it is always a good idea to outline what social/cultural life was like in 1933 first, outlining key identifyers. Then, it becomes easy to point to change within the prescribed time period.

The aim of increasing terror within the population of Nazi Germany through political and military
transformations caused major changes to social and cultural life of the German population.
There were no free elections with the only party being the National Socialist German Worker’s
Party (NSDAP) due to the emergency decrees of 1933. Try to get a bit more specific: what was the date of the decree? What was it called? Who implemented it?This essentially allowed Hitler to
predominantly hold all the power. Bit of tautology here This meant that the Sturmabteilung (SA), Schutzstaffel (SS),
Sicherheitsdienst des Reichsführers­SS (SD), and the Foreign Office gained a role of terror, A role of terror? Maybe a role in implementation of terror etc.?
operating as separate organisations towards the ongoing social and cultural change
domestically.

Propaganda, through racism, beliefs in the inferiority of the mentally and physically
handicapped, and the media, allowed for a revolutionary transformation of the social and
cultural lives of the population in Germany between 1933 and 1939, creating inclusion and
exclusion within the volksgemeinschaft, allowing for gleichschaltung. I like this point a lot: the fact that a volksgemeinschaft was being created, defined, and standardised necessarily causes certain classes or types of individuals to be excluded from it. However, try to make that point a bit clearer by explain the general concept first (as I have done) and then go into jargon, explanations etc. Again, I really like this point, and had not thought about it before. Very strong stuff! The message of
propaganda was conveyed through radio, press, film, posters, paintings, sculptures,
architecture, literature, social policies, youth movements, schools, sport, parades and rallies Way, way too long of a list. Also, grab some specific, accurate, relevant and detailed examples to through in: how mayn students were involved in youth movement? How many propaganda filsm were produced?. It
was an all­consuming resource of infiltration, to which Goebbels Who? Like obviously I know, but include a title. states: “only repetition can
finally bring success in the matter of instilling ideas into the memory of the crowd.” The culture of
Germany in the 1930s, was played upon continuously. T. Golomstock in his work ‘Totalitarian
Art’ (1990, pg. xii) hypothesised that “in a totalitarian system, art performs the function of
transforming the raw material of dry ideology into the fuel” of the masses. For example,
anti­semitism was initiated through governmental measures, such as the Jewish Affairs Offices,
outcasting them and eventuating in programs such as the 1939 Euthanasia Policy Which was what? Great examples, but don't assume a marker knows exactly what is happening in your time period. What did the policy result in?. Book
burnings portrayed the mass censorship of the media, with newspapers only being able to print
pro­governmental pieces, of the sorts of Der Stürmer’s ‘The Poisonous Mushroom’. Any form of
public, consumerist information and entertainment (radio and film, for example) were heavily
laden with propaganda, with ‘The Eternal Jew’ as an example, becoming the norm from the
Geobbel’s Reich Ministry of Popular Enlightenment and Propaganda. Press, radio and film
swiftly became the most efficient and rewarding way to ‘enlighten’ the masses. Speer Who? suggested
that “through technical devices like the radio… 80 million people were deprived of independent
thought. It was thereby possible to subject them to the will of one man.” Propaganda played a
crucial role in the creation of the Volksgemeinschaft, the Führer principle, allowing for
gleichschaltung. You seem to be randomly capitalizing German words; just make sure its consistent

Through the institutionalisation of Nazi ideologies, the cultural and social life of the German
peoples transformed dramatically, as portrayed through religion, the legal system and
education. One of the ways that Nazi aims failed was through the usurpation of religious
traditions. Hitler initiated a policy of control to weaken and replace the Churches. Despite the
Concordat Huh? Explanation, date, etc., Hitler worried about the influence of the Churches over the public. Due to the
disorganisation of the Nazi party, many people still rebelled against their radical beliefs. The
majority of Bavarian peo Typo continued to use the traditional greeting ‘Gruss Gott’, meaning ‘God
greet you,’ rather than the official ‘Heil Hitler.’ In 1936, church groups were disbanded and the
Hitler Youth had an increase in registration because of it and there was a lesser pressure upon
schools to teach religious studies enabling the a decrease of 60% of attendance of Church run
schools to 5% between 1935 and 1939. Long winded sentence. Some great stats, but neaten it up a little Over 200 priests were also accused of sexual
misconduct and financial misbehaviour, eventuating in show trials and numerous monasteries
being closed down. The Nazi Party also launched a ‘Church Succession Campaign’ to
encourage the abandonment of faith. In 1937 over 100,000 Christians left the Church, and in
1939 3.5 million Germans were members of the neo­pagan movement. Also, the legal system’s
Nazi indoctrination, as evidenced through the Nuremberg Laws and the establishment of the
People’s Court, meant that judges’ decisions were determined by Nazi policy, not law,
eventuating massive judicial change. New paragraph. The education system also followed Nazi ideology.
Rassenkunde, a type of racial social studies, was initiated, introducing elements of the Hitler
Youth’s teachings, with Dr. Schuster, a geography teacher describing the issue in an interview
in 1938 (quoted in E. Amy Buller’s ‘Darkness Over Germany’ (1945)) as no longer having “any
intellectual freedom… And education is being degraded by political interference… Political
agents, often ignorant and stupid men… Interfere with my teaching of geography. Some of them
don't seem to realise that any countries exist except Germany…” Bit long of a quote, but great stuff The Nazi Party Teacher’s
Union (1936) became mandatory, Jewish professors and students were banned, and a
stereotypical masculine preference was prefered, with those seen as intellectuals ranking lower
than those of great physical ability in the social order. By institutionally ingraining Nazi
ideologies, the social and cultural life of Germany was greatly impacted, causing a
transformation between 1933 and 1939. You've tried to make sure you answer the question, but in reality you have just restated it. Throughout your paragraphs, I need to feel a clearer connection between what you are saying and why you are saying it. What impact did it have? There was clearly a shift from A to B; in a single sentence, explain that there was a change, thereby answering the question. You tend you talk about a lot of great content, and ignore the question, and then answer the question in the conclusion. Your content is all really relevant; just make that clearer throughout the essay

Business and industry allowed for the volksgemeinschaft to successfully transform cultural and
social typo, employing a “get the job done” objective. Under the Nazi Government, large firms
expanded and smaller firms declined Give me a statistic, or don't make the claim. A Nazi ideologue was one of Gottfried Feder, wanting to
‘protect the small businessman.’ The Four Year Plan Beginning in? Be slightly more specific: there are about 5 simultanious Russian 4 year plans/5 year plans/infinity year plans that a marker could confuse it with allowed for state supervision of industry in
the interests of national unity. This meant that the order of goods, supplies and products trade to
be controlled by IG Farben, with the expertise from Krupps, and fixed prices, the control of raw
materials and control investment to be regulated by Daimler­Benz. Originally, thanks to the Law
to Protect Retail Trade (1933), the Mittelstand seemed to be in favour of the Nazi Government
(once being their main supply of votes), but the number of independent artisans fell from
1,645,000 to 1,500,000 within 1936­39 typo even though their value of trade doubled due to the
autarky ideology. The struggles of the small business was not helped by the government’s
cartelisation processes, either. In a report for SOPADE ? in 1037 on farmers’ views, it is quoted
that “the ‘production battle’... Has limited even further the right of the farmer to market his
products freely,” essentially indicating a centrally planned economy with large firms
monopolising industry. There was no major growth in foreign trade during the 1930s as
Schacht’s series of bilateral deals were replaced by an emphasis on autarky. The government
looked to domestic production, rather than external trade, and foreign conquest to obtain critical
resources. The Wannsee Conference set forth a goal to be achieved, a plan on which experts’
skills (with E.G. Farbon supplying Zyklon B and Krupp supplying weaponry). Efficiency and the
time management associated with it was a major concern with final resources being taken into
account. Trade unions were outlawed, being considered communist, and the banking industry
working closely with the Finance Ministry in acquiring money from the Jewish community (for
example, the golden teeth of the Jews would be taken). Professionals were highly sought after.
Doctors, with the extreme of Mengeles, chemists, those who perfected the gas, engineers and
architects, who designed the gas chambers and crematoriums, and physicists, who conducted
experimentations with weaponry, were the most crucial. Other professionals, however, were
placed in a hierarchy of importance within the Volksgemeinschaft, affecting the exclusion of the
asocials, disabled and Jewish communities. By excluding those from outside the
volksgemeinschaft from professions and major affairs, by placing emphasis on time
management, resources and efficient affairs, business, industry and professionals manipulated
the volksgemeinschaft for their own profit and success, causing a gleichschaltung of economy
and enterprise to occur. But the question is about social and cultural changes. This entire paragraph is really about economic changes, but you can definitely link it to the question. Unfortunately, as of yet, you haven't really. Go back and delete anything purely economic. If it is economic and social (ie. impact on workers, Jews etc.) then keep it, but draw a clearer link between the question and your content!

Family life, on a meso and micro level of society, underwent a gleichschaltung I do believe that this is a misuse of the term, but I could be wrong, impacting the
German social and cultural life dramatically. The role of the family and the people within the
family changed. German youth’s roles transformed into a stereotypically traditional sense.
Robert Ley, the leader of the Labour Front (DAF), reportedly said that they started their “work
when the child is three. As soon as it begins to think, a little flag is put into his hand,” evidencing
the Nazi aims of boys and girls to join the DAF and NSDAP. The question asks for change from 33-39. You've outlined what the Nazi party created in terms of a youth policy, but perhaps throw in a sentence about the differences pre 33. They were to be independent,
idolise the Führer, be physically fit, sacrifice themselves for the national good and to do
everything to strengthen the health and racial purity of the German nation (through their
respective gender roles and contributions). Nazi youth policy is debated in its effectiveness with
some claiming that “amongst working class youths one can hear much criticisms” (from
SOPADE reports, 1935), but realistically the only real importance is that of the fact that they
were “politically programmed : to obey orders, to cultivate the soldierly ‘virtue’ of standing to
attention and saying ‘Yes, sir,’ and to stop thinking when the magic word ‘Fatherland’ was
uttered” (a German reflecting upon his youth in the Third Reich as quoted from D. Peukert’s ‘Life
in the Third Reich, ed. R. Bessel, 1987, pg. 27). Careful saying "Realistically, the only real importance": Are you sure about that? Just don't risk it. Men were to run and work the country, women
were to breed and care for the country. There are some great quotes about this re Geobbels, try to find some! In 1935, during a rally of 100,000 members of the Hitler
Youth and League of German Girls (BDM) in Nuremberg, 900 fifteen to eighteen year old girls
became pregnant wow, and a German describes her experience in the BDM as it having “a bad
effect on [their] school reports. We had no time for homework,” portraying the girls’ jobs as being
physically fit and fertile, but not as intelligent or dominant. Women within the Nazi ideology were
deemed to have a mission of being “beautiful and [to] bring children into the world” (Geobbels,
1929), Nope there you go, you found the quote. with sexual activity serving the function of procreation and the maintenance of the life of
the nation, not for enjoyment. In 1943 a Marriage Law was drawn up but never enacted, stating
that:
“All single and married woman up to the age of 35 who do not already have four children should
be obliged to produce four children by racially pure German men. Whether these men are
married is of no significance. Every family that already has four children must set the father free
for this action.” Don't include such a long quote; summarise it yourself. I would also note that this falls outside of your time period; I'm not saying that you can't use it, but be careful
This proposal for a law showed that while marriage was considered to be a “long lasting, lifelong
union of two people genetically healthy persons of the same race… And is based upon ties of
loyalty, love and respect,” (extract from contemporary Nazi publication), the mission of breeding
was deemed more socially important, reimagining the family role and structure. Gaining the
Honour Cross of German Motherhood was, of course, then seen as one of the highest honours
to be bestowed among a women and her family. The Nazi policy, however, was mainly driven
towards the propaganda of the creation of a healthy, Aryan family. This gleichschaltung of the
volksgemeinschaft’s familiar and gender roles and structures allowed for widespread,
transformative social and cultural change due to the goal of reproduction and maintenance of
the micro and meso levels of the German nationality.

Terror, propaganda, the institutionalisation of Nazi ideologies, business and industry
manipulation and family life alterations, allowed for political, military, religious, legal, education,
ideological and media representation to change, impacting social and cultural life. These
methods of attempting to promote gleichschaltung eventuated in the volksgemeinschaft,
allowing for mass transformation of the social and cultural life of Germans under Nazi rule
between the years of 1933 and 1939.

Overall, great essay. Perhaps a bit long, but I don't know what the purpose of the essay is so that might be totally fine. I would definitely find some more specific statistics to back up your points, but that's easily done. The biggest change I would make is in ensuring that every sentence is tailored to answer the question, rather than just doing that at the start and end of each paragraph. Do you best to draw links to your paragraph and the social/cultural changes in Germany. I think its a really good essay, with potential to be a really great essay. Good job!

ATAR: 99.80

Mathematics Extension 2: 93
Physics: 93
Chemistry: 93
Modern History: 94
English Advanced: 95
Mathematics: 96
Mathematics Extension 1: 98

Studying a combined Advanced Science/Law degree at UNSW

matilda_woody

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  • Posts: 5
  • School: Nagle College
  • School Grad Year: 2016
Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #41 on: May 06, 2016, 03:56:56 pm »
Thank you very much! I'll revise it and be sure to resubmit it, if that's OK?

tasiakuz

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  • Posts: 17
Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #42 on: May 29, 2016, 08:33:58 pm »
Hi! This is my conflict in Indochina Essay, it is at 1200 words and I would ideally like to cut it to 1000, so whatever is not succinct or unnecessary please let me know so I can cut it :) The question is at the top. Thanks so much!
Economics
Modern History
Business Studies
Advanced English
General Maths
History Extension

jakesilove

  • HSC Lecturer
  • Honorary Moderator
  • Part of the furniture
  • *******
  • Posts: 1941
  • "Synergising your ATAR potential"
Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #43 on: May 30, 2016, 10:42:51 am »
Hi! This is my conflict in Indochina Essay, it is at 1200 words and I would ideally like to cut it to 1000, so whatever is not succinct or unnecessary please let me know so I can cut it :) The question is at the top. Thanks so much!

Hey Tasia! Check out your essay with comment below :)

Original Essay:
Spoiler
The Geneva Peace Agreement of 1954 attempted to cease conflict in Vietnam; ultimately it was not the end of the struggle for the Vietnamese people. As the Geneva conference ensure the division of Vietnam on the 17th parallel, it also affected the development of the two halves of the country. Most importantly, the US became heavily interested in Diem’s South Vietnam, who feared the spread of Communism across the globe, whilst Ho Chi Minh facilitated a rise in nationalist sentiment due to his goal of unifying Vietnam, jeopardised by the Accords failed promise for election. This ideological incongruity resulted in the creation of the National Liberation Front (NLF) and the escalation of conflict between North and South Vietnam. Ultimately, the true consequences of the Geneva Peace Agreement became the Second Indochina War. The importance of the Agreement therefore lies not only in its terms, but the failure to uphold those terms.

The Geneva Conference’s creation of a power vacuum transformed the nation into a Cold War flash point, spurring the U.S. to establish the artificial state of South Vietnam under Diem. After the division of Vietnam at the 17th parallel, the future of South Vietnam’s control was uncertain after the French withdrawal mandated by the Accord. It presented a classic ideological dilemma between the US’ historic antipathy to European colonialism dating back to 1776, and their fear as to what would fill the ‘vacuum’. In accordance with his ‘Domino Theory’ published in 1954, Eisenhower committed the US to ‘preserving Vietnam from Communist domination’. They saw no harm in violating the ‘no foreign bases’ term of the Geneva Agreement, implementing Diem as a ‘puppet leader’ supported, funded and advised by the US. Consequently, Diem never had a true connection with the people and thus, ran an almost totalitarian regime, nepotistic and biased to the Catholics; his regime was devoid of a functioning government and angered a 95% non-Catholic population. This conflict between a traditional Emperor system and the US desire for American political idea and democratic nation building provoked an ongoing ideological clash. South Vietnam became an artificial state kept alive by massive transfusions of American aid; Reynolds suggesting the Geneva conference effectively birthed a US colony. The Geneva Peace Agreement was highly significant to the creation of South Vietnam as a quasi-democratic state; the beginning of US involvement in Vietnam can thus also be attributed to the Accords.

Simultaneously, the Geneva Accords contributed considerably to the growth of nationalism in North Vietnam and enabled Ho Chi Minh to consolidate his power. The North gained strength after the Geneva Agreements due to a combination of communist camaraderie and Viet Minh nationalism that ensured people were devoted to Ho, especially important for the lead up to the promised elections of 1956 of the Accords. Nonetheless, due in part to the sense of resentment and disillusionment created by the failure to exclusively recognise Ho’s Vietnam at the conference, Ho ordered the arrest and execution of hundreds of Vietnamese Francophiles in a reform period that was destructive for the DRV, with Harpur arguing that North Vietnam ‘floundered in an atmosphere of suspicion and apprehension.’ This was further exacerbated by Chinh’s Agricultural Reform Tribunals established to supervise the redistribution of land and the purging of ‘feudalists’ leading to food production declining and many turning away from the Ho regime. Nonetheless, by 1960 86% of the population was working in Cooperatives that were introduced in an attempt to win back peasant population. North Vietnam had changed from a country facing impending famine to a country with the fastest growing economy in South-East Asia. The Geneva Accords provided the impetus for the economic and social reform of the DRV that enabled the state to gain considerable prosperity.


It was not the Geneva Accords themselves, but rather a failure to uphold their terms that was the primary factor in the creation of the NLF and the escalation of conflict between North and South Vietnam. The non-elections of July 1956 provoked retaliation by the Viet Minh that escalated violence in the South, triggering the US to step in as ‘peacekeepers’ and ‘advisors’ and Ho officially committing Communist North to a revolutionary war with the creation of the Nation Liberation Front of South Vietnam on December 20th 1960. All soldiers in NLF received extensive political training focused on nationalism, the fraud of the Geneva Conference and Diem’s oppression in South Vietnam, the Geneva Accords thus proving significantly relevant to the growing tension between the states. US policies exacerbated this, while Lansdale and Diem were successful in paying off the Hoa Hao and Cao Dai, other policies such as Ordinance 47, which made it a capital offence to be a communist, and the Agrovilles simply increased discontent. Eisenhower and his advisors were considerably deluded about the success of their policies in Indochina following the Geneva accords. The Geneva Accords played an extremely important role in instigating conflict between North and South Vietnam due to the manner in which they created an artificial division of land and two states with vastly different ideologies and goals.

 This conflict between the NLF and the RVN, deriving from the Peace Agreement, directly resulted in US involvement that led to the Second Indochina War. By December 1962 there were 11,300 U.S. personnel in the RVN, a direct breach of the terms of the Geneva Accords and therefore kept secret. The assassination of Diem, carried out with the unspoken approval of the U.S., represented a significant turning point as it created dire political instability only remediable by further intervention or complete withdrawal. As the U.S. would not compromise, the Geneva Accords thus established the course of U.S. policy: the most significant problem was that Diem being in power for so long, and deposing of him abruptly, gave the Communists propaganda to exploit. As Kennedy stated, ‘this is our offspring, we cannot abandon it’, and the U.S. was therefore forced to recognise a series of military regimes to justify U.S. presence in South Vietnam. Nonetheless, the U.S. could have withdrawn from South Vietnam following Diem’s assassination but misjudged the geopolitical intentions of their adversaries and the power of nationalism to motivate, along with the fertile source of propaganda their actions regarding the Geneva accords provided. The 1964 Tonkin resolution ultimately provided the pretext for a legitimate introduction of US troops and expanded US involvement from South to North: the course of action initiated by the Geneva Agreement had thus reached its logical conclusion.

The Geneva Peace Agreement was extremely important to the respective political, social and economical developments in North and South Vietnam to 1964, as the division of Vietnam at the 17th parallel created two distinct states in an entirely artificial manner that proved an ongoing source of conflict. Due to the removal of French influence under the Accords, the US adopted a neo-colonialist role to serve their own Cold War interests, while Ho’s disappointment at this outcome facilitated his consolidation of nationalistic control over North Vietnam. Ultimately, this culminated to a guerrilla war campaign by 1964 that resulted in direct US military intervention in Vietnam in the Second Indochina War.

Essay with Comments:
Spoiler
The Geneva Peace Agreement of 1954 attempted to cease conflict in Vietnam; However? This sentence doesn't quite make sense. ultimately it was not the end of the struggle for the Vietnamese people. As the Geneva conference ensured the division of Vietnam at the 17th parallel, it also affected the development of the two halves of the country. Most importantly, the US became heavily interested in Diem’s South Vietnam, who feared the spread of Communism, whilst Ho Chi Minh facilitated a rise in nationalist sentiment. This ideological incongruity resulted in the creation of the National Liberation Front (NLF) and the escalation of conflict between North and South Vietnam. Ultimately, the consequences of the Geneva Peace Agreement was the Second Indochina War. The importance of the Agreement therefore lies not only in its terms, but the failure to uphold those terms.

Quite a good introduction, but I think that most of your sentences could benefit from a quick read through to ensure clarity and a typo-free essay (I've deleted some words above, hopefully that helps). Whilst I haven't read the rest of your essay yet, I'm imaging that there will be plenty of space to cut down words. I might just bold bits that I think are unnecessary, or could use with a reword etc.

The Geneva Conference’s creation of a power vacuum transformed the nation into a Cold War flash point, spurring the U.S. to establish the artificial state of South Vietnam under Diem. After the division of Vietnam at the 17th parallel, the future of South Vietnam’s control was uncertain after the French withdrawal mandated by the Accord When did the French withdraw? Which paragraph of the Accord stated this? Be more specific with the facts you use; this is important in a top-notch essay!. It presented a classic ideological dilemma between the US’ historic antipathy to European colonialism dating back to 1776, and their fear as to what would fill the ‘vacuum’. In accordance with his ‘Domino Theory’ published in 1954 Save yourself some words; just write "Domino Theory" after the quote , Eisenhower committed the US to ‘preserving Vietnam from Communist domination’. They saw no harm in violating the ‘no foreign bases’ term of the Geneva Agreement, implementing Diem as a ‘puppet leader’ supported, funded and advised by the US. Consequently, Diem never had a true connection with the people and thus, ran an almost totalitarian regime, nepotistic and biased to the Catholics; his regime was devoid of a functioning government and angered a 95% non-Catholic population. This conflict between a traditional Emperor system and the US desire for American political idea and democratic nation building provoked an ongoing ideological clash. South Vietnam became an artificial state kept alive by massive transfusions of American aid; Reynolds suggesting the Geneva conference effectively birthed a US colony. The Geneva Peace Agreement was highly significant to the creation of South Vietnam as a quasi-democratic state; the beginning of US involvement in Vietnam can thus also be attributed to the Accords.

Really liked this. If you need to cut words down, you can definitely go through and delete single words here or there etc.

Simultaneously, the Geneva Accords contributed considerably to the growth of nationalism in North Vietnam and enabled Ho Chi Minh to consolidate his power. The North gained strength after the Geneva Agreements due to a combination of communist camaraderie and Viet Minh nationalism that ensured people were devoted to Ho, especially important for the lead up to the promised elections of 1956 of the Accords. Nonetheless, due in part to the sense of resentment and disillusionment created by the failure to exclusively recognise Ho’s Vietnam at the conference, Ho ordered the arrest and execution of hundreds of Vietnamese Francophiles in a reform period that was destructive for the DRV When? How many exactly?, with Harpur arguing that North Vietnam ‘floundered in an atmosphere of suspicion and apprehension.’ This was further exacerbated by Chinh’s Agricultural Reform Tribunals established to supervise the redistribution of land and the purging of ‘feudalists’ leading to food production declining and many turning away from the Ho regime. Nonetheless, by 1960 86% of the population was working in Cooperatives that were introduced in an attempt to win back peasant population. North Vietnam had changed from a country facing impending famine to a country with the fastest growing economy in South-East Asia. The Geneva Accords provided the impetus for the economic and social reform of the DRV that enabled the state to gain considerable prosperity.

It was not the Geneva Accords themselves, but rather a failure to uphold their terms that was the primary factor in the creation of the NLF and the escalation of conflict between North and South Vietnam. The non-elections of July 1956 provoked retaliation by the Viet Minh that escalated violence in the South, triggering the US to step in as ‘peacekeepers’ and ‘advisors’ and Ho officially committing Communist North to a revolutionary war with the creation of the Nation Liberation Front of South Vietnam on December 20th 1960. A bit too much reciting factsAll soldiers in NLF received extensive political training focused on nationalism, the fraud of the Geneva Conference and Diem’s oppression in South Vietnam, the Geneva Accords thus proving significantly relevant to the growing tension between the states. US policies exacerbated this, while Lansdale and Diem were successful in paying off the Hoa Hao and Cao Dai, other policies such as Ordinance 47, which made it a capital offence to be a communist, and the Agrovilles simply increased discontent. Eisenhower and his advisors were considerably deluded about the success of their policies in Indochina following the Geneva accords. The Geneva Accords played an extremely important role in instigating conflict between North and South Vietnam due to the manner in which they created an artificial division of land and two states with vastly different ideologies and goals.

 This conflict between the NLF and the RVN, deriving from the Peace Agreement, directly resulted in US involvement that led to the Second Indochina War. By December 1962 there were 11,300 U.S. personnel in the RVN, a direct breach of the terms of the Geneva Accords and therefore kept secret. The assassination of Diem, carried out with the unspoken approval of the U.S., represented a significant turning point as it created dire political instability only remediable by further intervention or complete withdrawal. As the U.S. would not compromise, the Geneva Accords thus established the course of U.S. policy: the most significant problem was that Diem being in power for so long, and deposing of him abruptly, gave the Communists propaganda to exploit. As Kennedy stated, ‘this is our offspring, we cannot abandon it’, and the U.S. was therefore forced to recognise a series of military regimes to justify U.S. presence in South Vietnam. Nonetheless, the U.S. could have withdrawn from South Vietnam following Diem’s assassination but misjudged the geopolitical intentions of their adversaries and the power of nationalism to motivate, along with the fertile source of propaganda their actions regarding the Geneva accords provided. The 1964 Tonkin resolution ultimately provided the pretext for a legitimate introduction of US troops and expanded US involvement from South to North: the course of action initiated by the Geneva Agreement had thus reached its logical conclusion.

The Geneva Peace Agreement was extremely important to the respective political, social and economical developments in North and South Vietnam to 1964, as the division of Vietnam at the 17th parallel created two distinct states in an entirely artificial manner that proved an ongoing source of conflict. Due to the removal of French influence under the Accords, the US adopted a neo-colonialist role to serve their own Cold War interests, while Ho’s disappointment at this outcome facilitated his consolidation of nationalistic control over North Vietnam. Ultimately, this culminated to a guerrilla war campaign by 1964 that resulted in direct US military intervention in Vietnam in the Second Indochina War.

Really great essay. I really like your tone, style and argument quality. You do need to add some more specific statistics (dates, numbers, paragraphs in the Accord etc.) however that's easy to fix. I've highlighted some areas that you can definitely reword and cut down, but to be honest it's overall very good. I think you can easily cut down 200 words, just by turning two words into one, getting rid of unnecessary descriptive words (very, in fact etc.)

Hope this helps a bit!
Jake

 
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Maddy.caldwell

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Re: Modern History Essay Marking
« Reply #44 on: May 31, 2016, 05:49:46 pm »
Hey, I want to impress my teacher with this essay due soon, she thinks really low of me. Anyway the task is to do three essays on Albert Speer and this one was "assess the range of opinions on Speer being a willing and enthusiastic Nazi. I have always done really badly in modern history essays. My teacher refuses to teach me how to write one, HELP! :) thanks (it's messy don't worry about the referencing)