LA essay

[scout]

Hii   I've attempted an LA (without conclusion) on the following pieces (credit to HopefulLawStudent for the inspiration!)

Article one: http://theconversation.com/naplan-testing-does-more-harm-than-good-26923
Article two: http://www.theaustralian.com.au/opinion/editorials/tracking-students-basic-skills/story-e6frg71x-1226915103476
Cartoon: http://nicholsoncartoons.com.au/naplan-not-used-effectively-by-teachers-cartoon-2013-05-20.html


Could I please get feedback on it and (if possible) a score out of 10 please?

Thanks very much in advance 

---

Since its inception in 2008, the NAPLAN test has been a cause for continuous debate in Australian society. In her opinion piece “NAPLAN testing does more harm than good” (20/05/2014, The Conversation), Johanna Wynn expresses her disapproval of the test in a measured yet alarmed tone; she contends to parents that the NAPLAN test induces unnecessary stress in young students. In contrast, The Australian’s editor contends in a stern, resolute tone that the NAPLAN test is no more than a basic skills test that has proven to be beneficial to many schools. Nevertheless, Nicholson's satirical cartoon supports Wynn, contending in a derisive tone that the test is being misused by teachers to raise their own professional reputation.

Wynn seeks to discredit the efficacy of the NAPLAN test through her main argument that it destabilises students' mental well being, which in turn undermines the quality of their learning experience. Her view revolves around evidence from her personal research while simultaneously containing appeals to parents' concern for their children. From the outset, Johanna Wyn announces that "new research" has presented evidence against the benefits of the NAPLAN test, stirring doubts in readers' minds surrounding the quality of the NAPLAN test. Wyn's subsequent rhetorical question "is it worth it?" heightens readers' uncertainty and invites them to challenge the need for such a test. Indeed, Wyn progresses to present her own direct research to substantiate her view, with her authority as the Director of a youth research centre further adding credibility to her view in the eyes of readers. Wyn's research reveals that "90%" of teachers in Victoria in New South Wales had reported that students had experienced stress prior to taking the test. The enormous number of students that this represents, compounded by the fact that this had occurred in the two capital states of education, works to raise concern in parents - that it is highly likely their own children also felt the same way. Wyn heightens readers' anxiety, by declaring that the NAPLAN test is "plagued" by negative impacts on student well being, with the word "plagued" connoting rampant, infectious disease spreading uncontrollably. Indeed, Wyn reveals that this is not an exaggeration; she meticulously enumerates the various symptoms of stress displayed by some suffering students, such as "insomnia, hyperventilation, profuse sweating" to illustrate the NAPLAN test as even potentially life-threatening. The thought that a mere written task could jeopardise their children's health to such extent elicits fear and thus, mobilises parents' desire to protect their children from such potent threat. When juxtaposed with Wyn's image, this further unsettles readers; the image portrays a diligent young girl concentrating on what appears to be her NAPLAN test, yet Wyn's research evinces the underlying, insidious damage that is being wrought by the test on her, and therefore all such children, who are often perceived as vulnerable and naïve. Such revelation works to generate an outcry from parents at the purported inner torture that their children are being subjected to, ultimately positioning them to condemn the test. Wynn concludes by affirming this need to reject the test as she proclaims that to do so is in the "best interests" of Australian children; this brings to readers' minds their own personal desires to provide what is best for their child, thus motivating them to denounce the test for their children's sake.

Conversely, The Australian's editor openly criticises Wyn's fears for students' welfare, insisting that the test is completely harmless and a necessary education resource for students, teachers and parents alike. The editor adopts a more assertive and optimistic tone than Wyn to reassure readers of the safety of the test. Like Wyn, their argument primarily relies on evidence to convey its rationality; however, the editor draws upon research over time to illustrate the progressive contribution of the NAPLAN test to Australian's education system. Specifically, the editor highlights that students and teachers have adjusted their learning and teaching practices accordingly since the first NAPLAN test in 2008, with the 2014 data to be "the most informative yet", as Year 9 students will be able to track their progress "for the first time" since Year 3. In this passage, the editor's tone is imbued with enthusiasm, and the prospect of an unprecedented outlook on students' learning over time is bound to appeal to parents. Wyn further heightens readers' excitement by outlining how the test could even enhance students' prospects in future employment, advanced school subjects and higher education; a perspective not taken by Wyn, who only dwells on the test's immediate effects. As a result, parents are positioned the appreciate the test a little more, as one that does have its merits.

Furthermore, the editor directly targets Wyn's argument, refuting it in deeming the test a fundamental yet simple, undemanding test. They dismiss opposers of the test such as Wyn as "habitual naysayers", casting them as relentlessly cynical and a blatant nuisance to purposeful programs like the NAPLAN test. Thereby, readers are encouraged to equally belittle them for their lack of understanding and ignorance of the test's good intents. By contrast, the editor claims that "the testing is not onerous". From the direct, forthright nature of the line, readers infer that the editor's view is conclusive. This is augmented by the editor's repetitive emphasis on the test's simplicity, in maintaining that the test measures "minimum standards… basic skills," inculcating upon readers the idea that the test is not at all laborious. Hence, readers may feel that their uncertainties surrounding the burden of the test - generated by Wyn - are resolved, inviting them to more openly embrace the test. The editor concludes their own piece by mimicking parents' high hopes for their children's future, affirming that "parents expect no less" for what is "in the interest of students". As they thus demonstrate that they share parents' values, readers may believe that the editor's interests correspond to their own. Hence they may be manoeuvred to emulate the editor's praise and endorsement of the NAPLAN test.

Nicholson's satirical cartoon follows in Wyn's footsteps, arguing that children are becoming too bogged down by the pressure to perform in the NAPLAN test. The cartoon depicts a group of dissatisfied teachers glaring down at a young student who shows them some writing on a blackboard that appears to be his own. Rather than appearing solemn or even guilty at the boy's spelling errors - which imply their own ineffective teaching methods -  the teachers only express contempt at the boy, insinuating that they are only fixated on the boy's inability to spell. In this way, readers are positioned to condemn the teachers, as their reproachful looks directed solely at the boy imply that they are placing overwhelming pressure on the boy to produce academic results. The fact that the boy's writing frames teachers as the ones subjected to the test, rather than students, also suggests this obsession with the test. In this sense, Nicholson suggests that the NAPLAN test has driven teachers to run results-oriented lessons "not conducive to… deep learning", as phrased by Wyn, garnering parents' criticism of the test.

[zhen]

Hii   I've attempted an LA (without conclusion) on the following pieces (credit to HopefulLawStudent for the inspiration!)

Article one: http://theconversation.com/naplan-testing-does-more-harm-than-good-26923
Article two: http://www.theaustralian.com.au/opinion/editorials/tracking-students-basic-skills/story-e6frg71x-1226915103476
Cartoon: http://nicholsoncartoons.com.au/naplan-not-used-effectively-by-teachers-cartoon-2013-05-20.html


Could I please get feedback on it and (if possible) a score out of 10 please?

Thanks very much in advance 

---

Since its inception in 2008, the NAPLAN test has been a cause for continuous debate in Australian society. In her opinion piece “NAPLAN testing does more harm than good” (20/05/2014, The Conversation), Johanna Wynn expresses her disapproval of the test in a measured yet alarmed tone; she contends to parents that the NAPLAN test induces unnecessary stress in young students (1) . In contrast, The Australian’s editor contends in a stern, resolute tone that the NAPLAN test is no more than a basic skills test that has proven to be beneficial to many schools. Nevertheless, Nicholson's satirical cartoon supports Wynn, contending in a derisive tone that the test is being misused by teachers to raise their own professional reputation.

Wynn seeks to discredit the efficacy of the NAPLAN test through her main argument that it destabilises students' mental well being, which in turn undermines the quality of their learning experience. Her view revolves around evidence from her personal research while simultaneously containing appeals to parents' concern for their children. (2) From the outset, Johanna Wyn announces that "new research" has presented evidence against the benefits of the NAPLAN test, stirring doubts in readers' minds surrounding the quality of the NAPLAN test. (3) Wyn's subsequent rhetorical question "is it worth it?" heightens readers' uncertainty and invites them to challenge the need for such a test (4) . Indeed, Wyn progresses to present her own direct research to substantiate her view, with her authority as the Director of a youth research centre further adding credibility to her view in the eyes of readers. Wyn's research reveals that "90%" of teachers in Victoria in New South Wales had reported that students had experienced stress prior to taking the test. The enormous number of students that this represents, compounded by the fact that this had occurred in the two capital states of education, works to raise concern in parents - that it is highly likely their own children also felt the same way. Wyn heightens readers' anxiety, by declaring that the NAPLAN test is "plagued" by negative impacts on student well being, with the word "plagued" connoting rampant, infectious disease spreading uncontrollably. Indeed, Wyn reveals that this is not an exaggeration; she meticulously enumerates the various symptoms of stress displayed by some suffering students, such as "insomnia, hyperventilation, profuse sweating" (5) to illustrate the NAPLAN test as even potentially life-threatening. The thought that a mere written task could jeopardise their children's health to such extent elicits fear and thus mobilises parents' desire to protect their children from such potent threat. When juxtaposed with Wyn's image, this further unsettles readers; the image portrays a diligent young girl concentrating on what appears to be her NAPLAN test, yet Wyn's research evinces the underlying, insidious damage that is being wrought by the test on her, and therefore all such children, who are often perceived as vulnerable and naïve. Such revelation works to generate an outcry from parents at the purported inner torture that their children are being subjected to, ultimately positioning them to condemn the test. Wynn concludes by affirming this need to reject the test as she proclaims that to do so is in the "best interests" of Australian children; this brings to readers' minds their own personal desires to provide what is best for their child, thus motivating them to denounce the test for their children's sake.

Conversely, The Australian's editor openly criticises Wyn's fears for students' welfare, insisting that the test is completely harmless and a necessary education resource for students, teachers and parents alike. The editor adopts a more assertive and optimistic tone than Wyn to reassure readers of the safety of the test. (6) Like Wyn, their argument primarily relies on evidence to convey its rationality; however, the editor draws upon research over time to illustrate the progressive contribution of the NAPLAN test to Australian's education system. (7) Specifically, the editor highlights that students and teachers have adjusted their learning and teaching practices accordingly since the first NAPLAN test in 2008, with the 2014 data to be "the most informative yet", as Year 9 students will be able to track their progress "for the first time" since Year 3. (8 ) In this passage, the editor's tone is imbued with enthusiasm, and the prospect of an unprecedented outlook on students' learning over time is bound to appeal to parents (9) . Wyn (10) further heightens readers' excitement by outlining how the test could even enhance students' prospects in future employment, advanced school subjects and higher education; a perspective not taken by Wyn, who only dwells on the test's immediate effects. (11) As a result, parents are positioned the appreciate the test a little more, as one that does have its merits.

Furthermore, the editor directly targets Wyn's argument, refuting it in deeming the test a fundamental yet simple, undemanding test. They dismiss opposers of the test such as Wyn as "habitual naysayers", casting them as relentlessly cynical and a blatant nuisance to purposeful programs like the NAPLAN test. Thereby, readers are encouraged to equally belittle them for their lack of understanding and ignorance of the test's good intents. By contrast, the editor claims that "the testing is not onerous". From the direct, forthright nature of the line, readers infer that the editor's view is conclusive (12) . This is augmented by the editor's repetitive emphasis on the test's simplicity, in maintaining that the test measures "minimum standards… basic skills," inculcating upon readers the idea that the test is not at all laborious. Hence, readers may feel that their uncertainties surrounding the burden of the test - generated by Wyn - are resolved, inviting them to more openly embrace the test. The editor concludes their own piece by mimicking parents' high hopes for their children's future, affirming that "parents expect no less" for what is "in the interest of students". As they thus demonstrate that they share parents' values, readers may believe that the editor's interests correspond to their own. Hence they may be manoeuvred to emulate the editor's praise and endorsement of the NAPLAN test.

Nicholson's satirical cartoon follows in Wyn's footsteps, arguing that children are becoming too bogged down by the pressure to perform in the NAPLAN test. The cartoon depicts a group of dissatisfied teachers glaring down at a young student who shows them some writing on a blackboard that appears to be his own. Rather than appearing solemn or even guilty at the boy's spelling errors - which imply their own ineffective teaching methods -  the teachers only express contempt at the boy, insinuating that they are only fixated on the boy's inability to spell. In this way, readers are positioned to condemn the teachers, as their reproachful looks directed solely at the boy imply that they are placing overwhelming pressure on the boy to produce academic results. The fact that the boy's writing frames teachers as the ones subject to the test, rather than students, also suggests this obsession with the test. In this sense, Nicholson suggests that the NAPLAN test has driven teachers to run results-oriented lessons "not conducive to… deep learning", as phrased by Wyn, garnering parents' criticism of the test.

(1) I feel like this line could be made more concise, as the disaproval you mention is implied in the following line talking about the unnecessary stress upon students.
(2) I feel like if you say her view revolves around evidence, you provide some quotes showing this and jump straight into analysing that. This way you avoid summarising what the writer does too much without analysis.
(3) I feel like this analysis is a bit superficial and you could talk about this quote in much more depth
(4) Again I feel like you can talk about more in this quote. You could talk about how the question prompts the to consider the advantages and disadvantages, as well as the fact that the disadvantages mentioned subtly positions the readers to conclude that it isn't worth it.
(5) I feel like this could be analysed to a greater extent
(6) Didn't you already talk about the tone in the introduction. I thought that their is no need to mention the tone again unless there's a shift in tone
(7) Initially I didn't like this part, but reading back on it I think it's fine and has some good comparison and talks about the subtle differences
(8 ) Here I feel like there's too much summarising what the writer says and not enough analysis. Not related to your essay, but I love how if I don't but a space between the 8 and the bracket, it comes out like this (
(9) I feel like this sentence is a massive jump from the last without analysing the massive chunk of information before. I feel like the intended effect upon the reader is too brief and there isn't much about how that intended effect is made.
(10) Is this supposed to say the editor?
(11) I feel like you haven't provided any quotes or evidence to show this point
(12) I feel like there's a massive jump from the technique or type of language used to the effect on the readers. I feel like there needs to be more explanation of this.

You may have noticed that I said I feel a lot in my comments. Well that's because it's just my opinion and I'm also in year 12, so take my advice with a grain of salt. Also, the comments are all critical of your writing, but I think overall it's a great piece of writing.  (I originally had heaps of positive comments, but my ipad crashed and I had to redo my corrections and I couldn't be bothered  ). Anyway, I really like your image analysis and argument analysis   . But, I feel like your quote analysis and integration could be improved. Good job overall and keep up the good work. 

[clarke54321]

Hii   I've attempted an LA (without conclusion) on the following pieces (credit to HopefulLawStudent for the inspiration!)

Article one: http://theconversation.com/naplan-testing-does-more-harm-than-good-26923
Article two: http://www.theaustralian.com.au/opinion/editorials/tracking-students-basic-skills/story-e6frg71x-1226915103476
Cartoon: http://nicholsoncartoons.com.au/naplan-not-used-effectively-by-teachers-cartoon-2013-05-20.html


Could I please get feedback on it and (if possible) a score out of 10 please?

Thanks very much in advance 

---

Since its inception in 2008, the NAPLAN test has been a cause for continuous debate in Australian society. In her opinion piece “NAPLAN testing does more harm than good” (20/05/2014, The Conversation), Johanna Wynn expresses her disapproval of the test in a measured yet alarmed tone;try and have a nicer link between these two. It's important to establish the facts in a strong manner. she contends to parents that the NAPLAN test induces unnecessary stress in young students. In contrast, The Australian’s editor contends in a stern, resolute tone that the NAPLAN test is no more than a basic skills test that has proven to be beneficial to many schools. Nevertheless, Nicholson's satirical cartoon supports Wynn, contending in a derisive tone that the test is being misused by teachers to raise their own professional reputation. Nice intro. You've clearly understood the differing contentions and tones.

Wynn seeks to discredit the efficacy of the NAPLAN test through her main argument that it destabilises students' mental well being, which in turn undermines the quality of their learning experience. Her view revolves around evidence from her personal research while simultaneously containing appeals to parents' concern for their childrenpersonally, I'd scrap this sentence. It's not really adding to your paragraph. I think it's better to launch straight into your evidence.. From the outset, Johanna Wyn announces that "new research" has presented evidence against the benefits of the NAPLAN test, stirring doubts in readers' minds surrounding the quality of the NAPLAN testbefore you get to audience effect, tease evidence out further. What is it about the phrase, "new research" that provokes doubt? . Wyn's subsequent rhetorical question "is it worth it?" heightens readers' uncertainty nice. You've acknowledged the culminating effect of her evidence. and invites them to challenge the need for such a testbut once more, I feel like you can pull the evidence out further. Specifics are really important.. Indeed, Wyn progresses to present her own direct research to substantiate her view, with her authority as the Director of a youth research centre further adding credibility to her view in the eyes of readers But how? . Wyn's research reveals that "90%" of teachers in Victoria in New South Wales had reported that students had experienced stress prior to taking the test. The enormous number of students that this represents, compounded by the fact that this had occurred in the two capital states of education, works to raise concern in parents - that it is highly likely their own children also felt the same way. Wyn heightens readers' anxiety, by declaring that the NAPLAN test is "plagued" by negative impacts on student well being, with the word "plagued" connoting rampant, infectious disease spreading uncontrollablywonderful elaboration of evidence here. Indeed try not to repeat this sentence starter in the same paragraph. Sentence variation is important., Wyn reveals that this is not an exaggeration; she meticulously enumerates the various symptoms of stress displayed by some suffering students, such as "insomnia, hyperventilation, profuse sweating" to illustrate the NAPLAN test as even potentially life-threatening. The thought that a mere written task could jeopardise their children's health to such extent elicits fear and thus, mobilises parents' desire to protect their children from such potent threat. When juxtaposed with Wyn's image, this further unsettles readers; the image portrays a diligent young girl concentrating on what appears to be her NAPLAN test, yet Wyn's research evinces the underlying, insidious damage that is being wrought by the test on her, and therefore all such children, who are often perceived as vulnerable and naïvegreat. You've linked argument with visual. Such revelation works to generate an outcry from parents at the purported inner torture that their children are being subjected to, ultimately positioning them to condemn the test. Wynn concludes by affirming this need to reject the test as she proclaims that to do so is in the "best interests" of Australian children; this brings to readers' minds is likely to ..... try to remain objective and not too speculativetheir own personal desires to provide what is best for their child, thus motivating them to denounce the test for their children's sake.

Conversely, The Australian's editor openly criticises Wyn's fears for students' welfare, insisting that the test is completely harmless and a necessary education resource for students, teachers and parents alikenice identification of argument. The editor adopts a more assertive and optimistic tone than Wyn to reassure readers of the safety of the test. Like Wyn, their argument primarily relies on evidence to convey its rationality; however, the editor draws upon research over time to illustrate the progressive contribution of the NAPLAN test to Australian's education systeminteresting point. Specifically, the editor highlights that students and teachers have adjusted their learning and teaching practices accordingly since the first NAPLAN test in 2008, with the 2014 data to be "the most informative yet", as Year 9 students will be able to track their progress "for the first time" since Year 3 this is a very long sentence. Be careful with these. Especially when they aren't serving an analytical purpose. Is there a way you can make it more concise?. In this passage, the editor's tone is imbued with enthusiasm, and the prospect of an unprecedented outlook on students' learning over time is bound to appeal too certain to parents why is it likely to appeal? Be more specific.. Wyn further heightens readers' excitement by outlining how the test could even enhance students' prospects in future employment, advanced school subjects and higher education; a perspective not taken by Wyn, who only dwells on the test's immediate effects. As a result, parents are positioned the appreciate the test a little more, as one that does have its merits need to be more specific. You are getting to the right reader effect, but are missing the intermediate stage. Analysis is really important..

Furthermore, the editor directly targets Wyn's argument, refuting it in deeming bit too verbosethe test a fundamental yet simple, undemanding test. They dismiss opposers of the test such as Wyn as "habitual naysayers", casting them as relentlessly cynical and a blatant nuisance to purposeful programs like the NAPLAN test nice. Thereby, readers are encouraged to equally belittle them for their lack of understanding and ignorance of the test's good intents really good. By contrast, the editor claims that "the testing is not onerous". From the direct, forthright nature of the line, readers infer that the editor's view is conclusive. This is augmented by the editor's repetitive emphasis on the test's simplicity, in maintaining that the test measures "minimum standards… basic skills," inculcating upon readers the idea that the test is not at all laborious. Hence, readers may feel that their uncertainties surrounding the burden of the test - generated by Wyn - are resolved, inviting them to more openly embrace the test. The editor concludes their own piece by mimicking parents' high hopes for their children's future, affirming that "parents expect no less" for what is "in the interest of students". As they thus demonstrate that they share parents' values, readers may believe that the editor's interests correspond to their own. Hence they may be manoeuvred to emulate the editor's praise and endorsement of the NAPLAN test. There are some great ideas in this paragraph. To change things up a bit, you could start your 'effect sentence' with: The editor strives/seeks/endeavours to or kindles/invokes.. . In this way, your making a more direct link between the author intention and reader reaction

Nicholson's satirical cartoon follows in Wyn's footstepshmm... there's something about this word that isn't sitting well. Echoes the sentiments of...Corroborate..., arguing that children are becoming too bogged down bit too informalby the pressure to perform in the NAPLAN test. The cartoon depicts a group of dissatisfied teachers glaring down at a young student who shows them some writing on a blackboard that appears to be his own. Rather than appearing solemn or even guilty at the boy's spelling errors - which imply their own ineffective teaching methods -  the teachers only express contempt at the boy, insinuating that they are only fixated on the boy's inability to spell. In this way, readers are positioned to condemn the teachers, as their whosereproachful looks directed solely at the boy imply that they are placing overwhelming pressure on the boy to produce academic resultsnice analysis. The fact that the boy's writing frames teachers as the ones subjectI don't think subject is the right word. Maybe absorbed/consumed by to the test, rather than students, also suggests this obsession with the test. In this sense, Nicholson suggests that the NAPLAN test has driven teachers to run results-oriented lessons "not conducive to… deep learning", as phrased by Wyn, garnering parents' criticism of the test.

Well done! This was a good piece of analysis. Some paragraphs really honed in on the analysis, while others didn't so much. Just ensure that you are taking the evidence all the way to the end. When comparing the two pieces, you could also look at specific language examples as opposed to taking a more holistic approach to comparison. Keep up the good work!

[amigos]

Aw shucks, got beaten by zhen and clarke54321. 

My feedback is attached anyways. Solid effort overall; I'll give it an 8 but I'm not that qualified to be giving out marks so I might be completely off haha.

[scout]

You may have noticed that I said I feel a lot in my comments. Well that's because it's just my opinion and I'm also in year 12, so take my advice with a grain of salt. Also, the comments are all critical of your writing, but I think overall it's a great piece of writing.  (I originally had heaps of positive comments, but my ipad crashed and I had to redo my corrections and I couldn't be bothered  ). Anyway, I really like your image analysis and argument analysis   . But, I feel like your quote analysis and integration could be improved. Good job overall and keep up the good work. 

Thank you Zhen! I agree with your feedback 100% (  I really appreciate you making the effort to trail through my long essay... on your iPad. It was extremely charitable of you.

In response to comment #5, is this better: Wyn enumerates the various symptoms of stress displayed by some suffering students, such as "insomnia, hyperventilation, profuse sweating"; the severity of such conditions indicates that the test is much more malignant than meets the eye, creating panic amongst readers and suggesting that the test demands greater scrutiny than it currently receives.
Not sure if I've analysed more deeply as you suggested..? But tbh, I wasn't sure what more to say about the actual quote other than the fact that they're acute conditions which is alarming  . What did you have in mind?

[scout]

Well done! This was a good piece of analysis. Some paragraphs really honed in on the analysis, while others didn't so much. Just ensure that you are taking the evidence all the way to the end. When comparing the two pieces, you could also look at specific language examples as opposed to taking a more holistic approach to comparison. Keep up the good work!

Hi clarke54321! Thanks for your feedback, as always   And I appreciate the specific suggestions you made about sentence variations (I'm quite guilty of sounding robotic in LAs... or just wherever XD) - I'll definitely try to use them next time.

I've reworked a line you pointed out (this hurt my brain so much XD) - would you mind checking it?
Wyn begins by announcing that "new research" has presented evidence against the benefits of the NAPLAN test, perhaps signalling a turning point that will see a decline in the NAPLAN test's success and thus, stirring doubts within readers' minds.

[zhen]

Thank you Zhen! I agree with your feedback 100% (  I really appreciate you making the effort to trail through my long essay... on your iPad. It was extremely charitable of you.

In response to comment #5, is this better: Wyn enumerates the various symptoms of stress displayed by some suffering students, such as "insomnia, hyperventilation, profuse sweating"; the severity of such conditions indicates that the test is much more malignant than meets the eye, creating panic amongst readers and suggesting that the test demands greater scrutiny than it currently receives.
Not sure if I've analysed more deeply as you suggested..? But tbh, I wasn't sure what more to say about the actual quote other than the fact that they're acute conditions which is alarming  . What did you have in mind?

I think that the above example is just saying the same thing in a different way with more sophistacated words, but in essence has the same ideas. Maybe draw connections with the connotations which you drew out for the word plagued. Since the writer is again presenting the reader with symptoms of an illness or disease and combining it to draw parallels between these illness and the pain and suffering which naplan causes. Anyway, I'm happy to help. 

[scout]

Aw shucks, got beaten by zhen and clarke54321. 

My feedback is attached anyways. Solid effort overall; I'll give it an 8 but I'm not that qualified to be giving out marks so I might be completely off haha.

Thank you amigos - you can never get too much feedback     I love the red that's peppered my essay btw (really.)

Can you please check if this bit is more specific now (edited)?:

The girl immersed in her test and seemingly oblivious to its dangers act to spark parents' indignation at the injustice of imposing a highly stressful task on such a naively portrayed child.

[amigos]

Thank you amigos - you can never get too much feedback     I love the red that's peppered my essay btw (really.)

Can you please check if this bit is more specific now (edited)?:

The girl immersed in her test and seemingly oblivious to its dangers act to spark parents' indignation at the injustice of imposing a highly stressful task on such a naively portrayed child.

Yup, that sounds great! 

[brenden]

I just want to chime in and give huge props to every single person marking essays in this thread. People, remember - UPVOTE people spending their time on this. On one hand it's meaningless, and on the otherhand, it's a meaningful way to let that person know how much we appreciate their efforts .

By the way - I genuinely attribute 6-8 points of my study score to marking essays when I was in Year 12. The benefits are huge. In the between a study score of 30 and 38-40, the best you can do is write essays. Between 40-50 imo the best you can do is mark them!!

[clarke54321]

Hi clarke54321! Thanks for your feedback, as always   And I appreciate the specific suggestions you made about sentence variations (I'm quite guilty of sounding robotic in LAs... or just wherever XD) - I'll definitely try to use them next time.

I've reworked a line you pointed out (this hurt my brain so much XD) - would you mind checking it?
Wyn begins by announcing that "new research" has presented evidence against the benefits of the NAPLAN test, perhaps signalling a turning point that will see a decline in the NAPLAN test's success and thus, stirring doubts within readers' minds.

Yes, this is better than your first attempt!  You've explained what it is about the 'new research' that helps Wyn advance her point. In terms of the intended reader effect, it seems a bit lost given the length of your sentence.

You could set it out in two sentences like this:

To undermine any presumed benefits of the NAPLAN, Wyn begins by announcing that 'new research' opposing the test has been founded. Here, Wyn strives to engender a sense of exigency in readers, who are inclined to reassess their preconceived notions of the test's advantage.