Hey again!
I've provided the rest of your feedback for your analysis in the attachment below. I'm not sure what your word count limit is or if there's any other requirements for the task that I should be aware of so take whatever feedback is applicable and disregard anything that might not have any benefit
General Feedback- I think choosing Edvard Munch's
The Scream was a bold choice since it's such a well known image but it
works well with what the task demands of you (i.e to link a visual that has no direct link at all)
It is a suitable image for your paradox and a great thing about artworks is that it is always possible to derive meanings from them that may not be as immediately associated for most, but can be justified if you execute it properly.
- You show engagement in the image and a thorough understanding of its contents. The analysis you have derived from it is strong and interesting, serving its purpose well in relating back to the paradox. I can definitely see that you have become involved in your visual image and that you are deciphering it in an original analysis accordingly.
General Feedforward- I would recommend, firstly,
have an introduction paragraph detailing your elected paradox, how it fits with the Human Experiences Module and then just another sentence saying something about how the chosen image encapsulate your understanding of it. I know it's not an essay you're being asked to write but
an introduction, and also a conclusion at the end, would just reaffirm to the marker that you know what the module is about and that you aim to prove how the image is related to it. -
Grammar and punctuation is an area that needs improvement and attention. I feel like it's expected in senior year that everyone has amazing grammar and punctuation but I know it's definitely not the case and that's totally okay. I have presented some corrections and suggestions which you can choose to take on board in revisiting your draft. If you need further help with grammar and punctuation,
consult a private tutor or someone who might be able to focus specifically on helping you refine that because it is crucial that you do for the HSC.
- Right now, your analysis is structured based on techniques which slightly limits its scope for discussion. I would recommend basing it
more thematically and having paragraphs with themes that relate to your paradox (for example, a paragraph on these: happiness vs sadness, emotional vulnerability, the shock of reality etc.). The analysis itself is quite well done but it
needs to be better structured to have a sense of flow. - I mention this a few times in the comments but
your analysis needs to be more "English-centred." I've presented you with ways you can do that for certain sentences and hope that they make sense. If you need tips on how to write more formally for the future, I would
strongly recommend looking at some exemplar essays in the Notes Section for AN. Leading from that point, you need to
link all your points of analysis back to the Texts and Human Experiences Module. As of current, the analysis is really technical but references to the rubric terminology and the guidelines of the module are really limited. It would be a good idea to
revise your rubric and select appropriate words from there to incorporate into your analysis so that it's an analysis that responds to the module directly.
The rest of my feedback is in the document. I hope it's comprehensive enough and that it will help you in finalising this assessment task
Just remember that my feedback is only as relevant and useful as you make of it. The best person you can ask for help from in improving your work is your teacher so do
try and arrange to see your English teacher during recess or lunch to get their opinion on your work at this stage. It's more beneficial to seek multiple people for advice and feedback, especially if they are more professional and qualified, than rely solely on one
You can maximise your performance with more eyes. Good luck with the assessment, ushna!
Angelina