Hi there, I got my English teacher to give feedback.
High Street, situated in the suburb of Benmore Village welcomed a new café named Calmer Coffee into its small shopping strip. DOES THIS SENTENCE ADD ANYTHING? Giving his opinion on the new addition, Jonty Jenkins' review IN HIS COLUMN 'Man about Town', published in the local newspaper's column critiques and highlights Calmer Coffee as not belonging to Benmore Village's High Street. Employing a predominantly criticizing and critical DON'T NEED BOTH AS THEY MEAN THE SAME tone to persuade local residents of Benmore, Jenkins seeks to contrast Calmer Coffee to its counterparts in order to condemn the café's poor quality and treatment of customers. PICK UP ON IT NOT SUITING THE CARING TRADITIONAL AMBIENCE OF BV Whilst adopting two visuals depicting himself and High Street respectively, the writer also accentuates how the employees are not tailored for the job as well as honingCHECK MEANING in on the cafe's ill-fitting intentions and THE dismal service it provides.
Opening passionately, Jenkins' laconic headline 'Man about Town' is applied to establish his own background and experiences. As the phrase 'about town' promotes his residency toIN Benmore Village, his readership is positioned to be more open and supportive to OF the review since he shares a connection to the 'neighbourhood'. Furthermore, the title outlines his expertise in cafe reviews where he has 'reviewed many of them' in 'the 20 years' he has 'lived here'. In doing so, credibility is added and strengthened towardsFOR his future arguments as residents of Benmore are driven to see him as someone well versed in his profession, which ultimately makes Jenkins more likely to gain their trust in his reviews. GOOD BUT DON'T NEED LAST 3 WORDS Having reiterated the 'thriving', 'quiet' and 'fine' values that is ARE at 'the heart of' Benmore's 'community', Jenkins proudly, through his use of adjectives with positive connotations COMMA attempts to create a perfect image of the place. GOID ANALYSIS Here, the proud tone allows for Benmore residents to feel grateful for what they have in the village, as he frames High Street in high regard. Employing a plethora of compliments at the beginning of his piece strengthens his connections with his fellow locals, enticing GOOD the readers to his views, because it promotes the feeling of impressiveness,DELETE PREVIOUS ADJECTIVE. YOU HAVE TWO GOOD ONES COMING UP. pride and belief in the village. Overall, Jenkins excogitates NOT QUITE THE RIGHT WORD that Benmore Village has a good BETTER WORD and respectable reputation which both encourages readers to believe that high standards should be attained MAINTAINED validates his opinions. IT ISN'T ABOUT BELIEVING. IT IS ABOUT SOMETHINGTHAT DOESN'T BELONG. IT IS OUT OF CHARACTER FOR THIS COMMUNITY.
The author also asserts his unbiased NOT TRUE. HE IS BIASSED AGAINST THE CAFE AND THE MODERN TREND IT REPRESENTS views with the portrayal of his own face. He also incorporates his two hands, a pen and a couple of stars to convey his purpose; for Benmore residents to see him as fair when reviewing café's and hence, acknowledge him as someone who is reputable in his expertise. THIS SENTENCE IS MORE WHAT YOU MEAN. When stars, which symbolize the ratings given to café's is ARE coupled with the smiling face and the thumbs, establishing the author's friendliness , Jenkins insinuates that he is willing to give good ratings when impressed by what he sees. As a result, readers, especially ones who are so far not convinced by his arguments, are intended to dismiss any concerns where they feel that he is toO judgmental when assessing. BUT HIS ASSESSMENT IS A JUDGEMENT! However more significantly, residents are more likely to see the 'honest' and 'cool' traits that he inhabits WRONG WORD which accomplishes his purpose. REWORD ACCURATELY His wide open eyes, pinpointing his attentiveness suggests NO S that he is always looking to convey 'praise for the successful café's' and connotes his committed and diligent job habits. Benmore Residents are coaxed to feel that he knows what he is doing establishing his reputable stature STATUS from the beginning of the piece. LAST SENTENCE IS GOOD. OTHERWISE TOO LONG ON LOGO. ONE SENTENCE FOR HOW IT MAKES US LEAN, FEEL.
By attempting to downgrade DENIGRATE the reputation of the café, Jenkins reinforces how there are many flaws that are transparent with the presentation DECOR and employees of Calmer Coffee. Implementing a ridiculing approach GOOD, the link between 'has-beens' and 'has beans' asserts beans to be pointless, as the words 'has-beens' indicates his past experience encounters where objectives did not seem to work. REDUCE TO...SUGGESTS THIS STYLE OF CAFE WILL NOT LAST As a result, the introducing of the café already gives Calmer Coffee a bad name, due to them serving something that is deemed useless and suggests to residents of Benmore that their performance so far has been below standard. Consequently, Jenkins achieves his intention as readers are encouraged to feel the café's isolation DIFFERENCE to its counterparts across High Street. However, when this is integrated with its THE OMINOUS MENTION OF ITS 'imminent future', the 'understatement' excogitates how the café is doomed to become a 'has been' and thus alludes to the inevitable fall of the business. THIS IS ACCURATE BUT LONGWINDED ON A SMALL POINT In such a case, the writer attempts for readers to lose all hope in Calmer Coffee succeeding as the phrase 'understatement' reiterates how clear and obvious their dull hereafter is. Moreover, Jenkins ironically pinpoints how the 'decor' and 'Steps to Good Customer Service sign' has HAVE 'been taken straight from Head Office'. As it WHAT? advocates this to have been copied from somewhere else, Benmore residents are likely to acknowledge how this does not fit to DE,ETE TO the town's motifs ?? due to it being generic and thus, are again persuaded to disvalue DEVALUE OR DISREGARD the café as the tone outlines Calmer Coffee to DEKETE TO not even having their own unique ideas to present. The anecdotal juxtaposition betweenOF 'Flo's Patisserie' and Calmer Coffee allows Jenkins to compare the different set of approaches pursued by the two respective businesses. Whilst the HIS testimony OF 'Flo's Patisserie' outlines how they thrive forON simplicity, seen by the 'offering' of 'lattes, short blacks or cappuccinos', the writer elucidates the 'exhaustive list of frappes, soy and almond milk and chocolate sprinkles' on display at Calmer Coffee. THE TONE HERE IS SARCASTIC OR DEROGATORY. Here, Jenkins asserts how a schematic and concise ONE ADJECTIVE menu is more practical for customers, seen by the praise in tone exploited for the implementation of such a scheme??, making readers feel that Calmer Coffee is not meeting the needs of customers. Additionally, by exclaiming? DELETE to be served 'by the ever-effusive Marcel' at 'Flo's Patisserie' in contrast to the 'tablet-wielding employee with a man bun' at Calmer Coffee, residents of Benmore Village are driven to see COMPARE the friendliness of staff betweenACROSS the two stores and hence, realize how the sociability ?? of the café does not fit the town and resembles the coffee shop itself at High Street. MEANING?
TALK ABOUT THE BUILDING ANNOYANCE AND INTOLERANCE Central to the author's strategy in the middle of the piece is to give voice towardsTO the service they supply OFFER as Jenkins conveys how disappointing it is.TOO WORDY Referring to the 'sense of foreboding' at the entrance of Calmer Coffee, indicating that the 'coffee beans assaults NO S you' highlights the 'bland quality of the coffee'. DOES THIS FOLLOW? The personification allows readers to imagine the 'stale, dry and uninviting' texture it has THEY HAVE and positions them to react with disapproval that the coffee shop provides this 'monstrosity' as the ironical and vivid tone underscores the discontent of seeing the coffee beans. USE ONE ADJECTIVE Using a simile to express his dissatisfaction, he attempts to convey his phrase RESPONSE from a different angle. ? Here, the employment of a humorous tone illustrates the joke that the café has presented upon themselves. DELETE LAST TWO WORDS Whilst indicating that the café is 'off-putting' addresses the lack of desirability of Calmer Coffee, the 'poorly made frappe latte' again raises questions towards ABOUT their 'display'. However, with the most significant persuasion coming from the expression 'as the skin that will form', Jenkins proclaims the coffee to be inhuman raising concern towardsOF Benmore residents that the coffee is served to customers. TIGHTEN AS IT IS A GOOD POINT Evoking a more serious tone and asking Benmore residents to think deeply about the issue in hand, the rhetorical phraseDELETE PHRASE 'Is this the service we have come to expect?' highlights Jenkins' apprehension about the future of the 'strip of shops' on High Street. GOOD Whilst this apprehension arises from the way Calmer Coffee has performed since arriving, intended feelings of despair is ARE played across the minds of readers as it compels them to acknowledge the detriment IS IT THIS? the café has caused and the lack of sufficient service they have provided.
Shifting to the end of his arguments, Jenkins switches his focus towards the intentions of Calmer Coffee as he emphasizes Benmore Village residents to not being part of their 'target demographic' as he seeks to finish up strongly. YES BUT CLUMSY SENTENCE. REWRITE IT.The critical dichotomy DISPARITY OR INAPPROPRIATENESS OR DISCORDANCE NOT DICHOTOMY betweenOF the 'soulless' Calmer Coffee and 'vibrant streetscape' evinces how they differ completely from each other and thus makes readers feel that they do not belong together. This is due to 'soulless' as seen by the 'horror' experiences and more predominant 'misses' than 'hits' describing something 'bor[ing]' and 'inane' contrasting from WITH the 'fancy', 'cosier' and interesting senses from SUGGESTED BY the word 'vibrant'. EXPRESSION NEEDS WORK AS THIS IS GOOD ANALYSIS. The image CARTOON showcasing High Street also pinpoints the feelings of isolation and individuality. USE JUST INDIVIDUALITY Comparing the design STYLE of the shops, the new, more exquisite LAVISH, GARISH, OSTENTATIOUS (EXQUISITE SUGGESTS IT IS GORGEOUS, BEAUTIFUL) infrastructure of the Calmer Coffee building completely diverges from the old, more ancientTRADITIONAL. NOT ANCIENT look of its counterparts. In doing so, Jenkins addresses ARGUES how Benmore Village has their ITSown tradition and thus intends to make readers feel that Calmer Coffee is ruining this observance???STREETSCAPE as shown by the establishments of the DELETE LAST THREE WORDS retro shops.
Jonty Jenkins' opinionated DELETE AS REVIEW IS AN OPINION review 'Man about Town' illustrates ARGUES THAT THIS NEW COFFEE SHOP REPRESENTS A TREND THAT DOES NOT BELONG IN THIS COMMUNITY the feelings of alienation towards the newly installment 'Calmer Coffee'. Whilst he uses a plethora of persuasive techniques to support his criticism against OF the café, his highly critical DELETE and condemning arguments backs NO S his contention of asserting THAT the coffee shop to havingHAS no place in Benmore Village.
Home
Help
Search
Login
