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Author Topic: calamity and sanity: my journey through vce  (Read 45450 times)

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Poet

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Re: calamity and sanity: my journey through vce
« Reply #120 on: December 22, 2019, 11:08:11 pm »
+11
Hi Laura,

First off, thank you for being yourself. Our younger years mean a huge amount of change and development, and when things happen to skew that, it can be difficult to keep going. But you're here, and for that you're to be congratulated. On your strength, determination, kindness and positivity. Happiness doesn't lie in the pursuit of perfection; it lies in acceptance and contentment with the person you are now, with all your flaws, your quirks and the small goals you work towards every day.

So happy birthday for tomorrow; I hope you can keep smiling through it all. Enjoy life in the moment and do what you love! And whatever the issue is, you're valued and have so much support.
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

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Re: calamity and sanity: my journey through vce
« Reply #121 on: December 23, 2019, 12:12:30 am »
+9
Moving on from that, I wanted to switch tones a little bit. As I approach my sixteenth birthday, I've been reflecting on how much has changed for me this year and even over the past couple of years. I still remember what it was like when I was eleven and in year seven (by far the youngest in my class) and probably the loneliest too. Skipping a grade in the middle of a year to join a class of kids much older than you was truly awful. And an awful idea. Thanks shit-show of a school that was being run by people with no idea about how the real world works. Appreciate it! I struggled a lot with making friends and ended up in the wrong crowd. I was hanging out with people who were nice enough, but had a lot going on in their own lives. As I was so much younger, I became their pet project. When they found out I was struggling with my mental health, it became their sole obsession to "fix" me.


It's weird how people can react in such different ways to mental health issues. Some people, as you experienced, will want to "fix" you. Others will freak out and push you away. Some will think you are a liar or over-emotional. Some will genuinely care and try to help... It's weird...

Escaping that toxic friendship in year eight, I grew particularly close to a certain guy. It was wonderful to feel wanted and loved, but when I felt like he knew too much about me, and like he was beginning to see all of me, not just the bits I liked, I quickly pushed him away again. Lonely again, my anxiety and eating issues spiralled out of control.

I can relate to this. I struggle to let people in and when I open up about anything I freak out. I've found that as I get older, as I experience more and open up to people more, it gets a lot easier. I pushed a lot of people away, one person refused to give up on me and let me push them away no matter how hard I was (unfortunately) trying... and that person is now my closest friend. Nowadays, I am a lot more cautious about who I open up to and what I share with people. I've come to understand (the hard way) that not everyone will react the same way when you tell them something unexpected about yourself. I've learnt a lot over the past couple of years and I've recently noticed that I have gotten better at talking about things and explaining what is going on inside my head (however, this is only the case when I actually want to talk. If I am forced to talk to someone I won't say anything....).

With time I learnt not to push people away. I've found that loneliness brings out the worst in me...

Abuse from a teacher coupled with this lead to the worst time in my life. A psychotic break where my experience with reality was totally out of touch with the real world. I was so scared and scared of the world. I felt utterly alone.

I'm so sorry you had to experience this. No one, especially someone as kind and caring as you, should have to feel like this...

Flashing forward to now, I look at how much has changed. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm finally happy with my life. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm content and comfortable with who I am. I can honestly say that I like myself. That doesn't mean that bad days don't occasionally creep up on me, but that even if I'm having a bad day or a bad week, I know how to handle it.

I'm so glad that you are feeling happy with life and comfortable with yourself. I think that tough times are learning experiences that offer new perspectives and allow you to grow. Even though times can get pretty terrible, there is always a lesson to be learnt, room to grow, and strength to gain.

I had a panic attack this morning. I was dizzy and hyperventilating. I was terrified and I felt so alone and out of control. But then a friend came and found me. We sat together in silence for most of an hour. Patiently waiting for the beast to subside. And it did. Because it always does. And even in the momentary darkness, I was not alone. And I have never been alone.

Thinking about my hallucinations, eating disorder and the last couple of years of my life always used to send a rush of unpleasant feelings, but although I'm sad for the little girl I was, I am so, so happy with who I am and where I am now. I am so thankful for the people I have found. And even though my experiences were awful, I don't think I would change any of it. (Perhaps the way I handled things but not the experiences themselves.) Because without them I wouldn't be me. And without them, I would not have so many of the good things I do.

Hearing how much better things have become and what you have learnt from your experiences makes me so happy (although I do wish you never had to feel that much pain). It takes a lot of maturity to look back at tough times and see the good in them and be grateful for the growth you have experienced because of them.
I believe that we often forget how much we can grow from our trials and tribulations. Although we would all rather be happy 100% of the time and never have a dull moment, the tough moments that everyone experiences are such powerful means of transformation. Just as you said, you wouldn't be yourself without having gone through all of those bad experiences.

Tomorrow I'll be sixteen, and I'll wake up so incredibly grateful for the life I have! If you follow my journal and have made it the whole way through this ramble of a reflection, I truly thank you for letting me share a bit of myself tonight.

Happy birthday for tomorrow!! I hope you have an amazing "sweet sixteenth" ;D
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Re: calamity and sanity: my journey through vce
« Reply #122 on: December 23, 2019, 08:03:35 am »
+11
Hey Laura!

Your positivity is infectious! I love that you've had a fulfilling break so far and your excitement for TuteSmart :D

Thank you for having the courage to share more about yourself and some of the experiences that have impacted you.  Although you never should have had to experience what you have, it's fantastic to hear about how you have grown through recovery and I hope that your journey helps give hope to others who are finding it difficult to cope.

Wishing a very happy 16th birthday to a resilient and caring person.

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Re: calamity and sanity: my journey through vce
« Reply #123 on: December 23, 2019, 08:00:15 pm »
+4
happy birthday laura :D wow, that was such a beautiful and honest post, almost made me cry. i wish you never went through any of that but you really do sound like you've grown from those experiences for the better. :)
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Re: calamity and sanity: my journey through vce
« Reply #124 on: December 23, 2019, 08:16:56 pm »
+4
That was insightful and incredibly written, I admire you so much for having the courage to open up like that. Vulnerability can be beautiful, which is a lesson I'm trying hard to teach myself - I relate a lot to this:

when I felt like he knew too much about me, and like he was beginning to see all of me, not just the bits I liked, I quickly pushed him away again

Thank you for sharing, I hope your birthday tomorrow brings you so much joy - no-one is more deserving!

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Re: calamity and sanity: my journey through vce
« Reply #125 on: December 23, 2019, 08:28:54 pm »
+4
Laura, you are amazing.

I admire your courage and strength, and your willingness to always help others! I really appreciate you.

Your post was so real and raw, and really went to me, but your positivity overpowers everything and gives so much hope!!

I hope you have a very happy 16th Birthday!! Enjoy it all, and hope you have a great year!!
« Last Edit: December 23, 2019, 08:57:33 pm by ArtyDreams »

caffinatedloz

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Re: calamity and sanity: my journey through vce
« Reply #126 on: January 27, 2020, 05:06:20 pm »
+10
One week until school starts back. I am really regretting my subject choices, but I've bought the textbooks and it's way too late to change now. Specialist is going to be the death of me. Surprisingly, once I just knuckled down and did some homework, I found that methods wasn't that bad.

I've really enjoyed having two full months off of school. I got to go to the beach, with friends and with family, many many times. It was fantastic. I did heaps of work, a little bit of volunteering, and a lot of seeing people. I haven't done anywhere near as much working ahead as I would have liked, but I'm content with that because I enjoyed having a bit of a break.

I also got to do heaps of baking and other creative things. It was very enjoyable.

I'm actually low-key excited to go back to school. I always enjoy the first couple of weeks. My motivation is boosted. I tend to eat healthier and be more productive. I'm hoping to ride that for as long as possible once the year starts. Luckily I have until next Monday.

How is everyone else feeling about back to school? When do y'all start?

Snow Leopard

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Re: calamity and sanity: my journey through vce
« Reply #127 on: January 27, 2020, 06:05:41 pm »
+3
One week until school starts back. I am really regretting my subject choices, but I've bought the textbooks and it's way too late to change now. Specialist is going to be the death of me. Surprisingly, once I just knuckled down and did some homework, I found that methods wasn't that bad.
What subjects are you regretting choosing other than spesh? If it's that bad you could always change those subjects for other subjects before Unit 2.

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Re: calamity and sanity: my journey through vce
« Reply #128 on: January 27, 2020, 08:38:01 pm »
+6
What subjects are you regretting choosing other than spesh? If it's that bad you could always change those subjects for other subjects before Unit 2.
It's really just spesh. I haven't touched the work so far, but my class is so tiny and I think I'm going to find it really suffocating. I have the same teacher for methods and spesh, and although I quite like her, eight hours a week with her is TOO MUCH. It would be too much no matter which teacher. At least I have a friend in my class. She's great and I think we'll have a lot of fun. Perhaps even too much fun, given what we're like when we're together. I didn't even want to be doing methods, so I have no idea why I signed up for two maths.

I'm also not sure about food tech, but we've got the good teacher (who we didn't have for orientation, so that should be thoroughly enjoyable). The work is just extremely easy, and no one in the class cares about school in the slightest. I guess I'll just keep my head down and do my best.

Literature is a class of 30, while there are English classes of 11, so it means that having class discussion is really difficult, but a whole bunch of people are intending to drop it, so that might make things better.

In biology, there are a couple of people I know, but literally, all of my friends and even acquaintances are in a different class. That means that I have to sit alone. I got there late on the first day and ended up sitting in the row second from the front all by myself because there were no free seats in the back two rows. As the front row is completely empty, I really hate it because I'm effectively sitting in the front alone. We'll be in a new classroom this year, so I'll just get there early and sit in the seat I want. Then at least if I'm alone, I won't be alone in the front.

I got a teacher I've never had before for chem and she seems good, but she's very strict and quite scary, so I just feel stressed the whole time. She yelled at my friend in orientation about having a necklace on. She told me off for borrowing whiteout from someone while we were quietly working because I wasn't quiet enough about it.

But, it's okay. I love my literature teacher, even if the class is massive, and I think that the friends I have in chemistry and methods will help me get through the year. Having no friends in so many classes will hopefully motivate me to work harder. But ugh, I'm also frustrated about it.

Also, I got my timetable today, so of course I made on that's colour coded to the folders I use for my subjects. I'm very happy with it.

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Re: calamity and sanity: my journey through vce
« Reply #129 on: January 27, 2020, 10:00:43 pm »
+3
I didn't even want to be doing methods, so I have no idea why I signed up for two maths.
I'm sure it was because you're more than capable of doing two maths :)

Quote
Literature is a class of 30, while there are English classes of 11, so it means that having class discussion is really difficult, but a whole bunch of people are intending to drop it, so that might make things better.
It's the same with my Lit class. We have a lot of people and a lot of them are really noisy. Not sure how many will drop it mid-year though tbh.

Quote
As the front row is completely empty, I really hate it because I'm effectively sitting in the front alone.
Just out of curiosity, do you concentrate more when sitting at the front or back? I personally prefer the frontish.

Quote
I got a teacher I've never had before for chem and she seems good, but she's very strict and quite scary, so I just feel stressed the whole time. She yelled at my friend in orientation about having a necklace on. She told me off for borrowing whiteout from someone while we were quietly working because I wasn't quiet enough about it.
In my chem class, there a bunch of boys that talk and annoy the life out of my teacher. Like, she's trying to have some of them drop it if they don't put effort in it. Tbh, my chem class is too big for my liking. And the pace that we're moving at is soooo fast. In our Chem elective in Yr 10, we spent a whole term on one chapter. In headstart, we finished one chapter in one week. Which textbook do you use for Chem?

Quote
Having no friends in so many classes will hopefully motivate me to work harder.
Less distractions, I'm assuming?

How long do you're periods go for?
Also, you don't seem to have a lot of doubles.
What's that wellbeing class?
« Last Edit: January 27, 2020, 10:02:32 pm by Snow Leopard »

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Re: calamity and sanity: my journey through vce
« Reply #130 on: January 27, 2020, 10:11:36 pm »
+4
Just out of curiosity, do you concentrate more when sitting at the front or back? I personally prefer the frontish.
I probably concentrate better if I'm sitting near the front. But it just felt so weird to sit in the front alone. I'm definitely a lot more comfortable in the back though, and a lot happier to put my hand up and answer questions if it feels like less people are looking. Why do you like the front? ;D


And the pace that we're moving at is soooo fast. In our Chem elective in Yr 10, we spent a whole term on one chapter. In headstart, we finished one chapter in one week. Which textbook do you use for Chem?
We did the same. The pace is insane. We did four subchapters in a single lesson and then the homework was to do all of the questions plus watch all of the Edrolo relating to it. I think I'll struggle to keep on top of the chem (and methods) pace, so that's something to be mindful of. We use Heinemann by the way. What about you?

Less distractions, I'm assuming?
That's what I'm hoping.

How long do you're periods go for?
Also, you don't seem to have a lot of doubles.
What's that wellbeing class?
Each period is an hour. And no, no doubles. In Year 10 I had double politics in semester 1 (but with lunch in the middle) and then the same "double" but English in semester 2. It was actually really good for english, but awful for politics. It would be good to have a double for food tech, but I can't imagine having double methods or spesh, especially if I had another maths on the same day.

Wellbeing is the most pointless thing ever, because we don't do anything. Often there's an assembly where they tell us off for something or other. Mostly uniform or the latest fight that our year level was involved in. They were trialling the resilience project this year, and our teachers were running lessons on empathy and mindfulness, but the teachers didn't really have any training in it, so it was pretty sub-par. A lot of the things they said and wanted us to do were totally whack. At one point we had to have "debates" about issues no one cared about to build confidence and resilience. (like strawberries?) Apparently, once you get to Year 11, wellbeing and religion are basically just study periods.

It's a shame that wellbeing has become such a joke, because the idea is good, but the execution really isn't. We still have five (slightly shortened) classes, plus wellbeing, so the day really drags. Thursdays used to be the day where we finished half an hour early and now Day 4 (every second Thursday) feels like it goes for such a long time, especially as we have two whole 55 minute classes after we finish lunch.
« Last Edit: January 27, 2020, 10:14:02 pm by laura_ »

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Re: calamity and sanity: my journey through vce
« Reply #131 on: January 27, 2020, 10:45:59 pm »
+2
Why do you like the front? ;D
Even though I'm not that short, I'm not that tall either so tall peeps make it hard to see stuff on the board. I feel like seeing people in front of me distracts me as well.

Quote
I think I'll struggle to keep on top of the chem (and methods) pace
Yup

Quote
We use Heinemann by the way. What about you?
Jacaranda. Is Heinemann good?

Quote
Each period is an hour. And no, no doubles. In Year 10 I had double politics in semester 1 (but with lunch in the middle) and then the same "double" but English in semester 2. It was actually really good for english, but awful for politics. It would be good to have a double for food tech, but I can't imagine having double methods or spesh, especially if I had another maths on the same day.
Our periods are 50 mins with 6 periods a day and homeroom at the start of the day until like 8:50. I have a lot of doubles now that I'm in Yr 11 (so like p1+2 will be lit, p3+4 religion and society, p5 would be methods, p6 would be chem etc, etc).

Quote
Apparently, once you get to Year 11, wellbeing and religion are basically just study periods.
Eh, study periods are almost always well appreciated ;D




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Re: calamity and sanity: my journey through vce
« Reply #132 on: January 27, 2020, 11:14:57 pm »
+3
That means that I have to sit alone. I got there late on the first day and ended up sitting in the row second from the front all by myself because there were no free seats in the back two rows. As the front row is completely empty, I really hate it because I'm effectively sitting in the front alone. We'll be in a new classroom this year, so I'll just get there early and sit in the seat I want. Then at least if I'm alone, I won't be alone in the front.

Ohhh I relate to thiss alot... (being alone sorta sucks)
During orientation for HHD, I was the only boy in the class and of course, all the girls had their friend groups with them so I was all alone at the front...it was awkward asf.  Luckily I dropped HHD for further (I was always planning on dropping ) and now I have 6 of my mates with me in my class, which is good and bad at the same time.

As for your biology class,
it's never too late to make new friends (Easier said than done though  :P) I'm sure you will grow more fond of people throughout the year, is your cohort big or do you sorta know who everyone is?
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Re: calamity and sanity: my journey through vce
« Reply #133 on: February 12, 2020, 11:45:01 am »
+1
Ayy Laura

How's year 11 treating you?   :)
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Re: calamity and sanity: my journey through vce
« Reply #134 on: February 13, 2020, 02:01:01 pm »
+4
Hi Laura!

Hope the work load has been acceptable thus far. Just want to reassure you, I swapped out of a subject very late (literally a few weeks into year 12...) and did well above expected for it, so don't feel compelled to complete subjects that you've already 'bought the books' for. You'll be able to re-sell them easily, just make sure you enjoy the subjects you're doing, or at the very least, are good at them.

How are you finding that 10 day timetable?
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