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March 29, 2024, 03:41:02 am

Author Topic: Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!  (Read 284385 times)

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jamonwindeyer

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Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!
« Reply #585 on: March 26, 2017, 07:52:12 pm »
Hey could someone please mark my essay? I know I'm pinning it off on you guys a little late; it's due tomorrow, but it'd mean a lot if you could check it in time!

By the way, my creative had to be around intellectual discovery and I don't know how well evidenced I've made that.

Stimulus is: “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” ~ Marcel Proust

Story:
Spoiler
Shelter From the Storm

I became young again that night. In an aging bar in Manhattan, amidst the blinding neon lights, the senseless debauchery and the comings and goings of passersby, I caught myself dreaming. It came to me in between the bustling crowd of New York’s tumultuous night-life; the rosy-cheeked Ivy League academics, the dead-beat wannabe poets, the esoteric, unemployed jazz pianists - you know the type. Anyway, the bar was playing Bob Dylan’s ‘Shelter From the Storm’. I only caught fragments of the song in between all the commotion; I’d missed the first half entirely, but to hear Dylan’s raspy voice was to be taken adrift on the vessel of reminiscence all the same.

***

I remember when I first heard it. I tried to visualise all the sorts of things I associated with that memory. I remember the fiery haired girl, in the adjacent dorm, blasting it from her radio, I remember my roommate and I flipping a quarter so as to see who would go ask her to turn it down, I remember walking to her room and I definitely remember being glad I’d lost the toss once I laid eyes on her. 

However, I couldn’t tell you, accurately at least, the chronological order of events that ensued after that and even if I tried, I suspect I’d embellish it a little. That’s the thing with remembering. Each time you call upon a memory it seems that in one way or another, whether it be the smallest detail, such as if the bed was made, or a major aspect, such as who were with, it becomes distorted. In fact, I think I’ve lived to have multiple experiences just by trying to remember one event from one point in time.

To be frank with you, I don’t even really remember her name. It might’ve been Lilya, or Lilly, or something completely different. I do remember three absolutes about her though. First, she had an affinity for Ginsberg, second, Shelter From the Storm wasn’t even her favourite Dylan song and third, I only ever really met her twice after that confrontation


***

THUD! Suddenly I’m back in Manhattan, on a rainy day, in some dingy dive bar. I’m thirty years older again, my hair’s thinning and I’m by myself. I turn to my left and some kid has fallen off his stool; couldn’t handle his drink I guess. I turn my ear towards the poorly mounted speakers;

‘’She walked up to me so gracefully
And took my crown of thorns
"Come in," she said, "I'll give you
Shelter from the storm"’’

I promised to take her to see Dylan live when he made his rounds through New York, it never happened though. I sorta didn’t come through with that promise, much like many of the promises I’ve made in my life to be honest. I wonder if she hates me for it. I wonder where she is now. She wanted to be a journalist or an editor for the New Yorker, I doubt it happened though and even if it did, I don’t think she’d be working on her own terms.

That’s the thing I’ve learned about the world. The creative minded are left behind or forced to assimilate. Maybe that’s just me being bitter about the way my life turned out. God, when I was young and full of life I thought I could do so much. I was starry-eyed and ready, ready to make the mountains malleable, the seas would become tamed under my rule but sometimes it takes poignant music in a dilapidated bar to teach you that the mountains are fixed in place and the waters will forever be undomesticated.

That’s the thing with with dreamers; they’re the first to die. And not of any anatomical ailment but rather insidious pains of the soul. It’s like they’re the suitcases that never get opened on vacation, the books that never get read, the portraits that never get hung. They’re empty, save the rotting corpses of dreams that never came to fruition; dreams that died on the vine. Looking at all the oblivious teenagers at the bar, I was certain I knew which ones would be spending their nights at this same place, thirty years from now. Funnily enough, all of them had smiling faces.

‘’I've heard newborn babies wailin
Like a mourning dove
And old men with broken teeth
Stranded without love’’

***

The stools of the bar became park benches and the wooden flooring, matted with peanut shells, became the green fields of Central Park. It must’ve been twelve years after I graduated but my degree hadn’t done me any good. I remember looking at the snow-tipped bristles of the maple trees when some kid, with some funny hat - looked like a normal cap but it had two flaps on the side, comes asking me ‘Would you happen to know what happens to the ducks when the lake freezes over? Would you happen to know by any chance?’. To tell you the truth I had no idea, I hadn’t even really thought about it until then.

***

It’s funny how much you learn about yourself and the world simply looking back through a time machine. Thirty years on, I’m a little dishevelled, sure, but I’m the same guy, drinking at the same bar, thinking about the same things but with totally different eyes. It’s one of those nights, those really rare nights, I mean those one-in-a-lifetime sorta nights when the sun comes down to earth to meet the people in between the crevices of the skyscrapers.

Looking back at it retrospectively, would I do it all again? Probably not, I mean I figure it’s times like these, when we learn to look back, that we learn the most.

‘’If I could only turn back the clock
To when God and her were born
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you Shelter from the storm"’’

Hey Marketeer!! It really pains me to say this, because you've been so awesome around here the last few days, but almost no chance we get this looked at tonight - We've got two/three other essays ahead of you that I plan to get to this evening, and probably won't get beyond that. That said, you are awesome, so I just spent five minutes having a read so some super quick notes:

- Intellectual Discovery looks excellent - Delivered with sophistication and power!!

- Watch for consistency of voice, you have a really intellectual tone at times (very poetic, love it) but then it gets lost in favour of a more direct style. Eg, that THUD back into the bar, you had some super poetic and sophisticated narration and then it swaps to "some kid" - Just a little off putting for the reader. look at the difference between the voice here, and "That's the thing with dreamers, they are the first to die."

- LOVE the stream of consciousness style though, really really powerful.

- Matches the stimulus effectively.

You'll get a Band 6 level mark for this, no doubt in my mind. Brilliant stuff my friend

TheFreeMarketeer

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Re: Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!
« Reply #586 on: March 26, 2017, 10:42:16 pm »
Hey Marketeer!! It really pains me to say this, because you've been so awesome around here the last few days, but almost no chance we get this looked at tonight - We've got two/three other essays ahead of you that I plan to get to this evening, and probably won't get beyond that. That said, you are awesome, so I just spent five minutes having a read so some super quick notes:

- Intellectual Discovery looks excellent - Delivered with sophistication and power!!

- Watch for consistency of voice, you have a really intellectual tone at times (very poetic, love it) but then it gets lost in favour of a more direct style. Eg, that THUD back into the bar, you had some super poetic and sophisticated narration and then it swaps to "some kid" - Just a little off putting for the reader. look at the difference between the voice here, and "That's the thing with dreamers, they are the first to die."

- LOVE the stream of consciousness style though, really really powerful.

- Matches the stimulus effectively.

You'll get a Band 6 level mark for this, no doubt in my mind. Brilliant stuff my friend

All good! The advice you've provided has made all the difference anyway.

My only real concern was the corny and possibly out of place allusion to Catcher in the Rye. I really like it but I think it might be arbitrary.

P.S So glad and appreciative to be apart of this community.

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!
« Reply #587 on: March 26, 2017, 11:00:07 pm »
All good! The advice you've provided has made all the difference anyway.

My only real concern was the corny and possibly out of place allusion to Catcher in the Rye. I really like it but I think it might be arbitrary.

P.S So glad and appreciative to be apart of this community.

Doesn't strike me as out of place personally, I like it too! Think it works nicely ;D we're appreciative for you being here!! ;D

Snew

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Re: Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!
« Reply #588 on: March 28, 2017, 09:23:01 pm »
Hi! I just had a question about creative writing, hope its ok to post here  :) how would you suggest making a character's thoughts stand out? For example, when you type something out you can italic someones inner thoughts to make it obvious to a reader.

 I set my jaw and stared hard at the floor. Why did I even bother coming? All for this stupid little recital…
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jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!
« Reply #589 on: March 28, 2017, 09:47:43 pm »
Hi! I just had a question about creative writing, hope its ok to post here  :) how would you suggest making a character's thoughts stand out? For example, when you type something out you can italic someones inner thoughts to make it obvious to a reader.

 I set my jaw and stared hard at the floor. Why did I even bother coming? All for this stupid little recital…

Hey! My argument would be, do you need to make them separate? That example you gave, it is all internal thought process, even if one describes an action, I don't think you'd need to make them separate!

That said, you definitely can if it suited the sort of thing you want to do with it - I'd put the thoughts on a new line for starters, and perhaps use single quote marks around it?

'Like so.'

To be honest, I've never done anything like this in written creatives, hopefully someone else can help more! :)

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Re: Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!
« Reply #590 on: March 29, 2017, 02:49:56 am »
Hi! I just had a question about creative writing, hope its ok to post here  :) how would you suggest making a character's thoughts stand out? For example, when you type something out you can italic someones inner thoughts to make it obvious to a reader.

 I set my jaw and stared hard at the floor. Why did I even bother coming? All for this stupid little recital…

In an exam, you can use the space of the page to tell the story as well.
You could skip a line, or even a few lines, to put the writing on it's own. Or, you could skip a line or two, as well as put the thoughts central to the page, or even to the right. It's not something we talk about a lot but you certainly could do this! I think putting the thoughts on its own could be very powerful, so I'd be opting to skip a few lines (maybe 2) around the words. See how this looks in hand writing, though. Because ultimately that's what you will be translating it too. I have a friend who wrote crazy messy (but legible), and then when she wanted to use the equivalent of italics, she would slow her writing down and carefully write the words. In an exam situation, you could really see the difference and you could tell it was a different voice, because she manipulated font. This was for Ext1, but there's no reason it wouldn't work in AOS.
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olliesfield

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Re: Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!
« Reply #591 on: March 31, 2017, 04:44:29 pm »
Could i please have some feedback attached?

I still feel i have a lots to work on but a little stuck on how to do so

Thank You!

Aaron12038488

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Re: Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!
« Reply #592 on: March 31, 2017, 08:24:27 pm »
i have 40 min to compose a creative piece about belonging. How long in terms of words should I be aiming for?

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!
« Reply #593 on: March 31, 2017, 08:48:52 pm »
i have 40 min to compose a creative piece about belonging. How long in terms of words should I be aiming for?

Hey Aaron! I'd say anywhere in the 600-900 range is what you should be aiming for in a 40 minute creative written under exam conditions, depending on your style and approach ;D you could go higher if you choose! But I wouldn't go much lower :)

Aaron12038488

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Re: Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!
« Reply #594 on: April 01, 2017, 01:11:42 pm »
is it okay to do an appropriation in creative writing. What techniques should incorporate also.

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!
« Reply #595 on: April 01, 2017, 02:52:53 pm »
is it okay to do an appropriation in creative writing. What techniques should incorporate also.

Appropriations are definitely okay in my book - Taking an idea and putting a significant new spin on it is its own form of creativity. For example, taking a well known story and giving an alternate perspective. Done right this works really well ;D

Try not to force the techniques, it will be easy to spot stuff you've put in just for the sake of it, but at a basic level I'd be expecting to see some effective use of imagery. Many stories will make use of figurative language - Similes, metaphors, symbolism. Try playing with sentence length, word choice, repetition and other structural elements too - But again, don't force anything! :)

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!
« Reply #596 on: April 02, 2017, 02:38:15 am »
Could i please have some feedback attached?

I still feel i have a lots to work on but a little stuck on how to do so

Thank You!

Hey! You sure can ;D your creative is in the spoiler with comments in bold!

Spoiler
The squirrels ravished away at his nan’s garden bed, one primrose after another. It was a Sunday afternoon in Newent that most were used to, cloudy overcast weather, his grandad was watching the rugby world cup at the malswick pub and his Nan was building the latest funky contraption to flee the squirrels once and for all. This is a tiny thing, but standardise whether you are capitalising Nan/Pop and make sure whatever you do, you do it every time. Egan sat in the observatory watching his idol Terry Jenkins reclaim his darts world championship, the finesse and elegance of his throw had always fascinated him. He even enjoyed the ads that were on, especially the ones about holiday’s where endless blue skies was all you could see, it gave him a glimpse of life beyond the town. This seems a little rushed, this latter half of the paragraph - I feel like you could do more to develop this fascination with the experiences/perspectives on the television.

The motorbike speed by their terrace, the thump of the daily Glouscester times hit the front lawn. The corner of his eye caught an image of the front page. In big bold letters it wrote
‘’POLISH CONTINUE TO TAKE JOBS’’
He picked it up expressionless, It was no surprise to him, the town had been on a rapid decline for the past year. Newent had suffered due to the lack of government spending, it was blighted with dilapidated homes, boarded up shops and discarded mattresses. Again, I'd like to see you do more with this image you touch on here/ The polish language slowly became the second most spoken language after English and Welsh, creating intense pressure on the local schools and support services. Polish newsagency’s and deli’s began to replace the old black and white antique shops that residents beloved, they appeared on almost every corner, changing the whole dimension of the town. He had applied for frequent jobs at the local Tesco’s, only to be declined more times than he could remember. The polish of course.
He knew it was time to pack the bags and give in, try a new life somewhere else. I'm not getting much emotion in your language. It is very matter of fact, like, this happened and then this happened. Try to build up to big statements like this and inject some emotion into your story arc. It wasn’t matter of when or how but the Grandmother he would leave behind. The one who had raised him from birth until now. The one who had raised him through the changes of this small vibrant town to its crash and burn. The one who had paid for him to attend Gloucester High, a prestigious school on the outskirts of the town. The one who took him to all his sports games and school functions. [bI like the repetition here[/b]. The parent he never had. Was he prepared to leave the only person in his life for a better life of his own? The guilt played on him like a possum. Be careful for forced techniques - This simile seems very forced and cheesy, don't use techniques just for the sake of using them. It sneaked around him until it burst out without warning. He thought his grandmother would understand, but he had no idea the impact it would have on her. Deep inside.
                                                                                 ***
Egan sat in the observatory, exhausted. The life in him had been drained out. He heard the faint grumbling from up the road, cars had always drove through there, but this one in particular had a distinct sound, one you couldn’t forget. It churned and grumbled. It was Nan’s friend Poppy in her 1984 dark red Honda Accord. He had still remembered the sound after all these years.
‘’ She’s here’’ he yelled with a slightly angry tone
His Nan quickly fixed the strand of hair that was out of place and rushed to the door, to her surprise her other friends were there too, they must have come in the Honda.
‘’SURPRISE’’ they laughed with a smile so big all their gums were visible
It was Nan’s 75th birthday and it was the only reason he had come back, for 22 years, the town seemed to improve since the last time he was there, it had a brighter feel to it and more people seemed to be walking the streets enjoying themselves.
They set up a table near the fire pit, it was winter and snow had been falling heavily since he had come back. A big 75 was sat saliently on the table. They all gathered around and had Pork Roast, the crackle of the crackling could be heard all around, like fireworks going off. Poppy had sipped on too much sauvignon blanc and she started yapping away, some things never changed.
‘’ You selfish prick’’ she blabbed I like that you use the vulgar language, nice shock factor.
Egan acted surprised, but he knew he deserved what was coming.
‘’ You left her, you never spoke to her, you never even attempted any contact, while you left her for the sunshine in Australia…after all she did for you’’
‘’ It wasn’t like that, I struggled over there, its expensive and I could barely afford to look after myself, let alone someone else’’
‘’ You shouldn’t even have come back’’ she grinned as she finished her 4th Glass Watch for realistic dialogue - Writing extended conversations is really tough to make it sound natural, and this conversation isn't quite there yet. Feels a little forced, like, would they actually say this in this way? Not 100% believable.
Egan had enough, he wasn’t sure whether to lash out and release the anger and guilt that had been bubbling up inside, or to leave it and continue to act like everything was ok for the sake of his Grandmother.
The chair dragged along the carpet, as Egan briskly walked to the garage. He threw one after another at the dart board, trying to copy the beauty of Terry Jenkins. It was a cathartic release for him, it distracted him from his guilt for brief moments. He stayed there for hours, he was too ashamed to come out and apologize.
Egan watched the man on the bike slip the letters in the letterbox. It was a job offer from polisnki Deli, he had applied for a job since he had come back to help out his grandmother during his stay. It was a well payed role in the managerial position, one better than he could find in Australia.
The thing he hated most gave him something better than he could imagine. He decided he would tell his grandmother in the morning.
Egan looked at the town from the top floor of the church, the streets had been cleaned up, no more broken down homes and roads, he watched polish construction workers build a new children’s playground and saw people walking in and out the shops. Could it have been the polish that helped this town?
He told his grandmother about his job
‘’you fool, you know I hate the polish even though they have helped, it still belongs to England Egan….although I love the free meat you’re going to bring home to me’’ Little confused about this ending! There was a lot of detail to absorb really quickly - Very easy for a reader to get lost at the end here.

Interesting story idea and some cool use of language! I'd have two main recommendations:

1 - What is your Discovery concept? You need to hone in on it a little more strongly - I'm not really getting it smacking me in the face right now, and it should. It should be a very prominent part of your story, where I feel like ideas on culture you are playing with at the end aren't truly fleshed out.

2 - Your story is very "this happened then this" in places, particularly the ending. Go back and read your last few paragraphs and look at how much new information and new ideas we get so quickly. These realisations need to be built up over a longer period - Certain things need to be accentuated. Basically, right now pieces of your story are reading more like a recount or list of events, rather than a dramatic/powerful/conceptual piece. As a result, lots of things are there, but none of them are developed or given much depth.

I'd recommend for you to read Elyse's guide on creative writing to get some tips on making your concept more obvious, as well as making your story a little more paced, building things up more slowly, etc. Again, I think the idea is clever and works well - Particularly the jump in time, but you definitely need to adjust your approach to get the most out of it :)

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!
« Reply #597 on: April 07, 2017, 01:05:44 am »
so this is the start of my creative.
is this to similar to the book 'We all Fall Down' by Robert Cormier?

Hey Aaron! I can't tell you whether this is similar to that book, never read it! And wouldn't be able to say much from just a plot summary :P But I'll certainly give you some general feedback:

Spoiler
9:02 pm, the ‘thrashers’ stormed in the 37 Dale Street, unsought, drunkenly entered their way through the double-story building. There were three adolescents present, and they weren’t your typical ‘rich privileged’ kids’ who played ball, however recluses pushing the boundaries of life. A little ambiguous there - The adolescents are the thrashers? Saying they are 'present' doesn't make this obvious and is a tad confusing. They ransacked prized possessions such as the orderly array of trophies all perfectly positioned on the cabinet shelves. Harry, the professed leader of the conjunction, was appalled of his counterpart, Buddy, who was holding his best to try to not excrete waste. Um, what? “For god’s sake Buddy, just take it. I don’t want you to piss all over my car”. Nice realistic dialogue. It gave Harry the shivers the thought of inhaling out-dated urine. It took a couple of seconds for Buddy to approve of this order, who yelped which transitioned into tranquillity when excreted the waste. The word choice of "excreted the waste" is definitely cringe worthy - Power to you if that is the intention, but I'm not sure. Doesn't sit right with me. I think you could still have this plot point out there without it being so, well, weirdly disgusting, aha. Having defecated on the mosaic of the floors, caught their amusement of the others. Lauren, the eleven year old child awoken by the laughters downstairs, crept down and peered face-face with the vandals. A smirk roused the face of Harrys, who had an epiphany, planning methodically what he should endure to the girl. "Endure" might not be the word you need there. “Come here sweetheart, we don’t wanna hurt you”. Harry was zeroing in on Lauren, who had nowhere to flee. Ensure that all your dialogue sits on a new line (this goes for above as well, it just makes things clearer)! “Let me go, Let me go” screeched Lauren who was tangled with Harry. Lauren plunged her head towards Harry, who propelled backwards, and angrily pushed Lauren and causing her to tumble down the stairs. Watch for tense discrepancies in your writing - I notice it particularly here, you've got "pushed" right next to "causing" - Past and present tense. In can throw the reader, be careful! Thud, crash, a series of noises echoed through the double-story building. Harry, nervously looked upon the motionless Lauren, who glanced at the others, signalling it was time to leave. Lauren was glancing? Watch the order of things here, again, it can make things ambiguous really quickly. Buddy couldn’t help himself, and searching for an answer “Is she okay, we won’t get pinged for this”, claimed the distraught 15- year old. “Move out” claimed Harry”, and the others flocked to the car, silent to their destination.

He planned their downfall, in turn society would thank for. Helpless, staring through his canopy of a house, hidden from sight, he watched them their every movement. His hands holding the black binoculars, completely bewildered and furious from the events that partaken, had an infuriating urge in his eyes as though he was determined to give them the full treatment of justice.  He recited over and over to himself, they will not get away with this. They think they can storm into a house, injure innocent people, and get away with this treacherous act. I am the watchdog of this neighbourhood, justice must be served. They won’t know what hit them.

My two main comments here would be:

1 - Watch the mechanics of your writing - Tense, word choice, sentence structure, etc. These might seem like small issues but they can add up to create quite a bit of ambiguity for the reader. I was doing quite a bit of work to make sure I understood who was doing what and what was happening at any given time. To get the reader invested in your ideas, the story needs to be really easy to follow.
2 - What part of the course is this Creative targeted towards? What concept are you trying to push? It is only the start, but I'm not getting a concept/idea coming through just yet. Revenge could be a theme that you've started developing at the end there. Be sure you are not just writing a story where stuff happens for the sake of it - There needs to be a greater message or idea(s) that you are trying to communicate :)

Hope this feedback helps!

sageziman

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Re: Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!
« Reply #598 on: April 10, 2017, 04:56:22 pm »
Hey, could you please ready my creative writing piece on discovery. I have drafted it with my teacher who just pointed out the usual  "expand" and "clarify". I hope you can assist me in creating depth and a strong discovery element. thank you so much

A striking blow slashed through his soul when the photograph appeared on the front pages of the New York times.

Believing he had departed from that previous life, flickers of recollection began to reappear accompanied by nostalgic sounds of the church choir  perpetuating his memory.

Sounds of freedom song trampled the dry dusty streets of Soweto, echoing through the shanty township.
Bold signs carried proud on the shoulders of violated children as they marched towards the stadium, he watches as windows opened joining the cries of hope.
The mothers and children joining in prayer for the sounds of deep African pride reclaimed the mouths of promising children and wrapped around the throats of the news reporters and white ears pressed against their radios in fear of revolt.

The systematic silencing of the thousands of voices relapsed between the promising peaceful march.

Rewinding back to the riots of 1976.
He stood between the strong leaders of the high school who had prepared for this day since their grandparent’s native tongue was sliced from their memory, they understood the extent of this moment. The aspirations of Black youth could not be silienced to a whisper, they became courageous protagonist of their own history. 

Students immediately began running from their classes into schools, grabbing children to join in song the beating howl “BLACK POWER RAISE” broke through atmosphere sending waves of alarm into the country.  The white ghosts loaded guns in fear and rushed towards the location in attempt to confine the revolt.

They marched almost 10 km before they met with a line of police officers, the voices came to a painfully muted halt. He watched as hector raised his hand into the sky, with trembling nerves he rolled his hand into a fist and joined, thousands followed silently raising fists.

That’s when he heard the first shot.
Followed by uncountable blasts. 
Fear filled his chest.

Running to take cover he gripped his hand tight around his bag holding the lens of his camera. Crawling between two garbage bins the commotion around him was startling, his anxiety increased as each bullets shattered another windows and bounced off the metal bins.

Wrapping a piece of cloth around his arm he desperately searched for a marker in his backpack, he wrote the letters PRESS noticeably large across the band hoping he would be identified as a journalist.

Composing himself he took a breath and rushed back into the chaos, falling against the dry dirt, he held on passing bodies in attempt to stand, holding onto side walk polls and behind garbage bins, he soon found himself running alongside Hector.

The police were infiltrating into the crowd shooting into every moving object in their vision, the air lost oxygen and a cloud of tear gas hovered over them like a gateway to hell. All noise became slightly peaceful in the cloud of death; assurance of the fact he was alive. He leant down to feel around for his camera that had fallen, trying to make out his surroundings, the shots grew louder, rhythmically exploding closer towards him like a murderous drum. Trembling in a cloud of comprehendible fear he rushed praying to find safety, in all the commotion he saw a familiar boy running with another in his harms towards him, he grabbed the camera and tried to photograph whatever he could despite the tear gas puncturing his sight. 

After that moment he tried to forget everything,
Moving to the city he lost all connection to hector and Soweto.
 Hope was dull and light seemed only bright in another world.

When apartheid ended my father moved to New York to begin a new life without the struggles of racial segregation and war.

After finding that camera in my father’s cupboard I took it to the New York times who wrote an article about Hector and the riots of 1976. I discovered my father was indeed a hero of his time,
                 he looked at me with bewilderment and extraordinary pride, I could have sworn he did not say a word yet I heard him speak relief.
 For my father had felt his first sense of recognition as a voice in the truth, a trumpet in the revolutionary revolt that was Hectors death and the end of the black mans silencing in South Africa.

elysepopplewell

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Re: Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!
« Reply #599 on: April 11, 2017, 08:03:31 am »
Hey, could you please ready my creative writing piece on discovery. I have drafted it with my teacher who just pointed out the usual  "expand" and "clarify". I hope you can assist me in creating depth and a strong discovery element. thank you so much


Of course! I'll put the feedback in the bold font below :)

Spoiler
A striking blow slashed through his soul when the photograph appeared on the front pages of the New York times.  Love this!

Believing he had departed from that previous life, flickers of recollection began to reappear accompanied by nostalgic sounds of the church choir  perpetuating his memory. There's a lot going on in this sentence, the two sections I have underlined are where different ideas are connected. Considering rewording this to be more blunt, precise, and striking (just like the image). Emulate the striking blow of the image in the writing style by being precise and bold.

Sounds of freedom song trampled the dry dusty streets of Soweto, echoing through the shanty township.
Bold signs carried proud on the shoulders of violated children as they marched towards the stadium, he watches as windows opened joining (comma here perhaps, or change joining to the infinitive verb: to join? Just doesn't read smoothly so I couldn't grasp the imagery you intend. the cries of hope.
The mothers and children joining in prayer for the sounds of deep Deep is nice, but I wonder if there's a better word to use here? Something that means more than deep...innate? Not sure of the exact word I'd use, but it might be worth toying with. African pride reclaimed the mouths of promising children and wrapped around the throats of the news reporters and white ears pressed against their radios in fear of revolt.

The systematic silencing of the thousands of voices relapsed between the promising peaceful march.

Rewinding back to the riots of 1976. How does this appear on the page when you write it? Is it isolated? underlined? I'm not sure what kind of convention you're intending with this. Is it a title?
He stood between the strong leaders of the high school who had prepared for this day since their grandparent’s native tongue was sliced from their memory, they understood the extent of this moment. The aspirations of Black youth could not be silienced to a whisper, they became courageous protagonist of their own history.  They were... (this is a great spot for adjectives that are meaningful, stark, and strong. If we use the same writing style we did at the start with that strikingness, we can create a link with your tone to connect these ideas.

Students immediately began running from their classes into schools, grabbing children to join in song the beating howl “BLACK POWER RAISE” broke through atmosphere sending waves of alarm into the country.  This little bit here can benefit from improvement. It's a long sentence with a lot of ideas. The ideas are energetic, but the writing isn't. When your writing emulates the energy in the content you'll see a huge difference. The plot is inciting movement but the sentence was long and lulling. Break it up, again, be striking, bold, demanding. The white ghosts loaded guns in fear and rushed towards the location in attempt to confine the revolt.

They marched almost 10 km before they met with a line of police officers, the voices came to a painfully muted halt. He watched as hector raised his hand into the sky, with trembling nerves he rolled his hand into a fist and joined, thousands followed silently raising fists.
Let's look at the last three sentences. They start with: the, they, he. This is a time of building action. It could be beneficial to look at the way you're using syntax by bringing action to the beginning of the sentence. This way, you're privileging the energy and enticing a reader, rather than letting the energetic statement fall to the end and by the way.

That’s when he heard the first shot.
Followed by uncountable blasts. 
Fear filled his chest.
yessss!!!

Running to take cover he gripped his hand tight around his bag holding the lens of his camera. Crawling between two garbage bins the commotion around him was startling, his anxiety increased as each bullets shattered another windows and bounced off the metal bins.

Wrapping a piece of cloth around his arm he desperately searched for a marker in his backpack, he wrote the letters PRESS noticeably large across the band hoping he would be identified as a journalist. This last part of the sentence is telling and not showing - respect that the reader will be able to understand the intention of "PRESS" without being told that press means media. I understood it before you spelled it out, so consider taking off the end bit to leave it as something for the reader to chew on for half a second, rather than forcing them to swallow.

Composing himself he took a breath and rushed back into the chaos, falling against the dry dirt, he held on passing bodies in attempt to stand, holding onto side walk polls and behind garbage bins, he soon found himself running alongside Hector.

The police were infiltrating into the crowd shooting into every moving object in their vision, the air lost oxygen and a cloud of tear gas hovered over them like a gateway to hell. All noise became slightly peaceful in the cloud of death; assurance of the fact he was alive. He leant down to feel around for his camera that had fallen, trying to make out his surroundings, the shots grew louder, rhythmically exploding closer towards him like a murderous drum. Trembling in a cloud of comprehendible fear he rushed praying to find safety, in all the commotion he saw a familiar boy running with another in his harms towards him, he grabbed the camera and tried to photograph whatever he could despite the tear gas puncturing his sight.  The commas are used here to create rhythm, but the sentences could definitely benefit from some variation in order to sustain that suspense. At present, I get familiar with the flow and don't stay on my toes! I want to be there, feeling my lungs tighten and dodging bullets. Instead, I'm used to your sentence structure so you're giving me some predictability to detract from the adventure.

After that moment he tried to forget everything,
Moving to the city he lost all connection to hector and Soweto.
 Hope was dull and light seemed only bright in another world.

When apartheid ended my father moved to New York to begin a new life without the struggles of racial segregation and war.
 
After finding that camera in my father’s cupboard I took it to the New York times who this personifies the NYT - but in a good way! Instead, "they" will work best. Small grammatical thing. wrote an article about Hector and the riots of 1976. I discovered my father was indeed a hero of his time,
                 he looked at me with bewilderment and extraordinary pride, I could have sworn he did not say a word yet I heard him speak relief.
 For my father had felt his first sense of recognition as a voice in the truth, a trumpet in the revolutionary revolt that was Hectors death and the end of the black mans silencing in South Africa.

Wonderful story! I have a suggestion for the ending/beginning. It's about adding another layer of discovery. Perhaps, the dad could be unimpressed by the story being shared, as it's too traumatic and really something he put behind him. It was intensely personal and he doesn't want his heroism shared because he feels it detracts from the devastation. The son, of course, doesn't realise, and publishes it thinking he was doing the right thing. So the son discovers how intensely personal it was for the father beyond words, and the audience recognises the way that experiences are responded to from different standpoints. So at the beginning where you look at the newspaper, we could be like "striking blow, thought these days were behind, etc." Then, "His son looked at him as his proud smile faded into soft eyes, he knew he'd missed the mark." (obviously write something so much nicer than this). It just adds another layer to the story, that although the son thinks this should be applauded after discovering the camera. The father isn't impressed with what his son has done with the discovery, he wishes he could conceal it all. Just a suggestion!

Otherwise, the suggestions about the writing style are infiltrated throughout the response. Think about the way you can manipulate your words to highlight the energy in your plot! I've suggested the exact ways to do this throughout, so let me know what you think :)

Great job overall - a story with a lot of potential. A few changes will skyrocket this story!
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