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March 29, 2024, 12:12:27 am

Author Topic: Feedback please  (Read 426 times)

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Sarahxx16

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Feedback please
« on: April 22, 2019, 02:31:34 pm »
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I need some feedback on my imaginative story. It’s about Australian identity and culture so Aussie battler and mateship.

Fire exploding, sounds of gunshots and cannon can be heard from miles away. Hiding behind the 6 meters high trench, hiding for dear life was terrifying. I know it’s tough for a girl to be in the army but I wanted to prove people wrong and to encourage more females to join the force and protect our country that we live in.

That was just one of the horrific moments I remember back when Oliver and I were in war in Afghanistan. Now I’m back home in Australia. The burning sun is shining once again just like any other ordinary day and birds chirping from the gumtree in our front yard. I’m standing outside on the porch, sipping a nice cup of hot peppermint tea looking at the sensory. Oh how much I’ve missed this. Mountains of trees stuck together side by side with bushes beside it. The fresh air is better without it being polluted.

“CHARLOTTE” I heard a loud scream which must mean that Oliver is awake from his slumber. I walk inside the house and honestly I’m happy with what the house looks like. People may tell us to keep up with the time and that the theme of the house is old but I like to see it as let’s just say… vintage. We have indigenous dot painting on our walls, black and white pictures of what the town use to look like. I heard another screamed from the backyard.

“CHARLOTTE HURRY UP” Oliver screamed like his life depended on it. I ran to where he was which was the backyard and it was on fire. Oliver was trying to stop the fire by hosing it down with water but it was way too strong and it spread more quicker. I froze and couldn’t move. I was having trouble breathing as I tried to take a deep breathe. Oliver could tell what was happening and told me to calm down and that we need to get out of here quickly. We started running trying to grab anything that we could that was valuable to us. I was trying to look for the photos with me, Oliver and William posing together at the base in Afghanistan. I screamed in frustration as I was unable to locate it and Oliver had to take me outside. The fire spread rapidly and we just stood there watching our house go up in flames. By the time the firefighters arrived it was too late. All that was left of the house was burnt wood and broken glass.

I was sitting under the gum tree, trying to gain my breath again. 
“You know I tried saving William. I couldn’t find him” I said between breathes, knowing that Oliver was standing next to me with his arms around me.
“I know Charlotte, there wasn’t anything we could do” Oliver said with a low voice as he was trying to calm me down but I could tell he was still upset about what happened. We lost everything, William and now our house. “Things can’t get any better” I mumbled under my breath.

One of the fire fighters, Alex came up to us and explained how the fire occurred; the heat caused some of the trees to burn which spread as it was also windy today. I wasn’t listening as all I can think about is William burning to death  and there was nothing I could of done. We don’t even have a house to live in. I don’t know what to do, I wish William was here to help us.

Suddenly leaves started to fall from the gum tree however there wasn’t any wind at the moment to make the leaves fall. I thought I felt Williams presence here but I quickly snapped out as Oliver was explaining an idea that he came up with ;to rebuild our house together. I thought it was an amazing idea as this can be an distraction for both of us and we can have a fresh start.

We had no time to waste, so we decided to start picking up wood that we can still use and put them to one side and place the useless wood on the other side. This was going to take a while to do.

Throughout the process, we struggled to deal with the death of William as this was also his home. However I keep feeling his presence which kinda comforted me. If I didn’t have Oliver and William back in Afghanistan, I wouldn’t know what to do. I was home sick and was terrified but I made it through those years with the help of them. I could do anything with them by my side.

The house would take time to rebuild but I believe it’s a fresh start for the three of us. Leaving the past behind us and creating new chapters in our life.