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March 29, 2024, 09:20:49 pm

Author Topic: Poet's Well-being Journal  (Read 71322 times)

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Yertle the Turtle

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #15 on: March 14, 2018, 10:31:21 pm »
+2
Maybe I should start a thread and put some of my drawings up there. I was thinking of doing sketches again. I haven't picked up my sketch pad in weeks, so maybe just taking the time to let out what's in my head and try and depict what's around me can help me pick myself back up and keep myself accountable for work and study. What do you guys think? Maybe I can start a thread in the Creative Corner and put up my sketches, show how I'm improving?
Really nice sketch, that wren, way better than my ones at the moment :P Keep it up, they look great, post for sure. If you want to check out mine, they are in my creativity gallery... but still not as good as yours! Great job, mate!
2017-2018: VCE
Methods | Specialist | Physics | Chemistry | English | Texts and Traditions

2019: B. Eng (Hons) | Monash
2019-?: Certificate III  in Bricklaying and Blocklaying

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Poet

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #16 on: March 18, 2018, 10:41:56 am »
+7
Well hi all,
Definitely ;D
It looks awesome.
Really nice sketch, that wren, way better than my ones at the moment :P Keep it up, they look great, post for sure. If you want to check out mine, they are in my creativity gallery... but still not as good as yours! Great job, mate!

Naw, thanks PhoenixxFire and Marv (now Yertle, if I'm not mistaken, but I'm still going to call you Marv haha) that's a huge encouragement. I'll have to start up a DeviantArt.  :P <3
BTW I love your work/photography, Marv. It's wonderful <3
I'll see if I can scan some of the works I've done in my old art book that got waterlogged. Luckily, most of the drawings are okay, so we'll see. :)

So, we had our athletics day Friday, and I was a ghost (Clyde) from Pacman. It was fun. Got minor sunburn. Ate food. It was nice.
I'm still recovering from that weird cold thing I had, so I was still fairly weak. But I did the 100m sprint, 400m, high jump, student-teacher relay, and I forget the rest, I'm so tired.

Anyway, so I did high jump, and I couldn't get over because I can't jump (Which we've established 3 times now haha) in the first place, and I'm veritable spaghetti even before I get sick, so I kept landing right on top of the bar and now my back has bruises all the way down... ouch. My poor spine. :(

Went to a party last night, so that was fun, but it also means I need to study more intensely for my SACs next week. Aaand unfortunately, because I was one of the only sober ones there, I had to deal with drunk friends. (No vomit, thankfully, but a lot of stumbling around and crying about boyfriends) Good thing about that is I now know what kind of drunks they are haha (one’s a clown, one’s a tired drunk, and one’s an emotional drunk…)
But on another note:

I was thinking about something the other day, something that really stuck with me.
First impressions and outward beauty.
Do we ever really think deeply about people when we first see them? I'm a 'people watcher', so sometimes I just sit and watch people go by, wondering who they are and where they're going, and what their lives could be like. But when I make up their stories, I always use my first impression of them - their appearance and their expression, their clothing and what they're eating or buying, how they talk and how they walk. Everyone knows that first impressions aren't everything, but we still judge people by them. Perhaps it’s an instinctual survival method? I guess we know to avoid some people due to first impression, but with others, we can be just plain mean. I know so many wonderful people who I didn’t think much of at first, but after getting to know them from their inside, not their outside, I’ve realised that they are some of the most beautiful people I may ever meet.
It frustrates me to think that we can so easily judge someone who’s just having a bad day. To be honest, I’m not the prettiest of individuals, (yes I’m ugly, but we can’t have pretty without ugly, so that’s how I justify my existence haha) and I was wondering if people judge me for it, because I have no beauty on the outside… Well, what about my inside? What about who I am? Should we really think it is okay to make immediate judgments of people merely because of how they look in that moment, on that day? How do we know who they really are? If we judge them and as a result tend to avoid them, will we miss out on opportunities for friendships and relationships with people? I know some stupidly attractive individuals, and their hearts can be so cold and cruel. Is this because of something? Do they think they’re better than everybody else? Do they need to make up for people’s positive first impressions? Or am I just placing them in a separate basket to the rest of the population? There are average-looking people who can be downright nasty as well. So then, why do we instinctually separate the perceived “pretty” from the “ugly”? This happens in every culture, every country, and every person. Racism, sexism (from both males and females), homophobia, all the “-isms” and divides are things based off of first impressions and how we were taught to perceive the world as children. Consequentially, it is what we teach our own children as we develop opinions and divides for ourselves.

So my goal for the next week is to try and not make judgments of people based solely from first impressions. Maybe we can all try to work on that. It’s a romantic concept, to think that the world might be a better place if we didn’t judge people straight away, but I just want to make an attempt and see.

I better get back to my P.E. revision. ;)
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Poet

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #17 on: March 19, 2018, 08:12:27 pm »
+5
"Who says you gotta have it all figured out
Who says you'll never feel alone in the crowd
Who says you gotta be like everyone else
Who says? Who says? Who says?"

- Joshua Micah, Who Says?

Who says I'm not enough?
Who says I have to feel the way I do?
Who says I'm abandoned, alone?
Only me.
Nobody else.
Only me.
What's in the past is in the past.
And now I say I am enough.
Now I say I am valued.
Now I say I will never be alone.
Because I am loved and I am wanted.

I'm holding on with all I've got, and I will never let go.
And neither should anybody else.
Because everyone is loved and everyone is wanted.
Nobody is abandoned, nobody is alone.
It might feel that way sometimes, especially for those like me who struggle with depression, but you're not alone.
Hold on.
Even if you see yourself as a nobody, others will always see you as their somebody.
You are here for a reason.
Don't leave before you find it.


Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Poet

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #18 on: March 21, 2018, 06:59:45 pm »
+7
It's been a terrible last few days for me.
Mentally, I've been in a really bad place, and I'm just trying to pull myself out.
The last post on this thread is one I made when I was in the deepest part of my self-hatred.
I try so hard to be strong. For myself, for others.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
But it's a lot easier to post a smiley on the internet than to actually pull your face into a real one.

My 18th was yesterday (thanks for all of your birthday wishes, guys!), and I got some amazing presents: a Sony portable speaker, a pen made out of Koa wood from my grandmother (who lives in Hawaii, crazy old duck) and even a glass pen, which I'm almost afraid to use because it's so beautiful. A lot like this one but with a light blue sparkly strip all the way up the middle instead of a jellyfish, and the handle spirals as well:
Spoiler

The problem is, with all of these expensive presents and people paying attention to me, I felt (still feel) like I'm not worth it.
I know I shouldn't but I can't help feeling panic: what if they discover how useless I really am? When will they regret what they've done for me? Why are they paying so much attention to me? It's just another day; I'm not special, I never was. I'm not special.
I hate anxiety.
I mean, I blame it on the diagnosis, but I know it's all in my head.
I'm the person responsible for the anxiety.
I hate me.

I had a panic attack at school when one of the only people who knew it was my birthday yelled out to the whole cohort that it was my birthday then started singing. I literally bolted out of the common room, because I just couldn't deal with all of the attention, and then just sat in a corner hyperventilating and trying not to cry. What is wrong with me? People were just being nice, and I can't just accept a stupid birthday song?? Luckily people understood and stopped our homeroom teacher from calling me out, but it was stressful and I feel upset and ashamed.
Why can't I just be like everyone else and deal with it? How come I have to be the one who people think is 'stuck up' and 'too good for the rest of us' because I push everyone away out of my own self-doubt? How am I meant to explain that depth of thought to someone who is practically a stranger when I can't even make myself say "I love you" to my own parents?

To clarify, I do love them, more than my life. I just can't say it out loud. I can't let them know how much they mean to me, and not even I know why.

I don't know why writing is so different. I don't know why I can't make myself speak about the love I have for others. I don't know why I'm so ashamed of myself, why I can't deal with attention, why I aim so high but fall so low. (Bombed my Biology SAC yesterday, can't understand 50% of the info for my math SAC tomorrow, etc., etc...)

I'm an adult now, and I feel like such a failure.
Why?
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Calebark

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #19 on: March 21, 2018, 07:21:29 pm »
+12
snip
I need to get something out of my system first: holy fucking shit that glass pen is rad!

I'll just start by saying that you're secretly_a_poet. Nobody else is, and nobody else ever will be. Just by being you, you are a special person. You don't need to excel in every area of life to be special, or to have solved a great mystery -- you're still just a teen. But it doesn't mean you can't be special just by being the way you are. I know it's a difficult pill to swallow -- I struggle with this myself, so please know you're not alone in that.

I think I need to say a few more things aswell. It's not 'all in your head'; anxiety is a real and debilitating illness, so please don't blame yourself. You wouldn't blame yourself for a broken leg, so why blame yourself for anxiety? You are not your struggles. There is nothing wrong with you -- this is very common, especially amongst youth. You'd be surprised at the amount of people you talk to regularly on AN feel the same way! I also feel it's important to say that you don't need to explain yourself to anybody. You shouldn't have to justify yourself if you don't want to. It's your business, and the business of those you choose to share with.

You're in a very difficult point of your life, but it doesn't mean you'll be here forever. Next time you have a panic attack, please try this: start breathing deeply. To yourself, name five things you can see. Deep breath. Name four things you can feel. Deep breath. Name three things you can hear. Deep breath. Name two things you can smell. Deep breathe. Name one thing you can taste. Deep breath. It's called grounding, and I use it to calm myself in stressful situations, so please give it a go.

I don't have anything else to say, other than to please seek medical help (if you are not already), and to keep on chugging -- both in life, school, and on AN :)
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Yertle the Turtle

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #20 on: March 22, 2018, 07:33:25 am »
+5
Look, I know it's not easy to talk about this kind of stuff, so massive respect to you! I've only recently started to understand the feelings you talk about here, but I do now, so I just want to encourage you to keep going. Be yourself, and be proud of yourself, knowing that you are 100% unique. You are special, and we care about you here on AN, even though we have probably never met you. If you have any problems that you can't get out to people close to you (and I 100% understand that), we're happy to give support. If you ever start to panic, just give yourself some time and space to calm down, and just breath, as Calebark said. And never be ashamed of yourself, it is a very bad path to go down. I've been doing it since we lost our volley-ball GF yesterday, and it's not great.

Just remember, we are behind you, all the way! :)
2017-2018: VCE
Methods | Specialist | Physics | Chemistry | English | Texts and Traditions

2019: B. Eng (Hons) | Monash
2019-?: Certificate III  in Bricklaying and Blocklaying

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Poet

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #21 on: March 24, 2018, 08:35:40 pm »
+4
I need to get something out of my system first: holy fucking shit that glass pen is rad!

I'll just start by saying that you're secretly_a_poet. Nobody else is, and nobody else ever will be. Just by being you, you are a special person. You don't need to excel in every area of life to be special, or to have solved a great mystery -- you're still just a teen. But it doesn't mean you can't be special just by being the way you are. I know it's a difficult pill to swallow -- I struggle with this myself, so please know you're not alone in that.

I think I need to say a few more things aswell. It's not 'all in your head'; anxiety is a real and debilitating illness, so please don't blame yourself. You wouldn't blame yourself for a broken leg, so why blame yourself for anxiety? You are not your struggles. There is nothing wrong with you -- this is very common, especially amongst youth. You'd be surprised at the amount of people you talk to regularly on AN feel the same way! I also feel it's important to say that you don't need to explain yourself to anybody. You shouldn't have to justify yourself if you don't want to. It's your business, and the business of those you choose to share with.
Look, I know it's not easy to talk about this kind of stuff, so massive respect to you! I've only recently started to understand the feelings you talk about here, but I do now, so I just want to encourage you to keep going. Be yourself, and be proud of yourself, knowing that you are 100% unique. You are special, and we care about you here on AN, even though we have probably never met you. If you have any problems that you can't get out to people close to you (and I 100% understand that), we're happy to give support. If you ever start to panic, just give yourself some time and space to calm down, and just breathe, as Calebark said. And never be ashamed of yourself, it is a very bad path to go down. I've been doing it since we lost our volley-ball GF yesterday, and it's not great.

Just remember, we are behind you, all the way! :)

I cannot thank people on AN enough for your undying support and love for an absolute stranger. Thank you so much for sticking with me. It means so much to me to know that, even when I feel my very worst, a total stranger can make my day with a statement like this. :) (@Yertle/Calebark/miniturtle/Mada/PhoenixxFire/everyone else who’s so supportive, thank you!! 💕)
Also, who's going to the lectures in April? Kind of want to do a meet-up… Looking forward to seeing people there. >:D <-- guys I found a new face!!
And @Calebark, holy fucking shit I know! I've played with it a couple times already, and it draws fantastically. I'll see if I can post a work I've done using it over the holidays on my fledgling creative corner thread... :)

So, back to me again (selfish, I know…)
I've been on the upside of the downside the past couple of days. I feel like only people who've experienced depression might get that term, but it basically means I'm still sad and fighting with myself, but I'm up and around and can deal with it. It's frustrating, especially when I was at the opening of the exhibition my artworks are in today, when your own brain is basically screaming at you to "BREAK THROUGH THE GLASS AND SET FIRE TO THAT MESS YOU'VE LABELLED AS ART BECAUSE IT DOESN'T BELONG ON A PEDESTAL LIKE THAT YOU DON'T DESERVE THE PRIDE THESE PEOPLE HAVE IN WHAT YOU'VE DONE IT’S NOT EVEN THAT GOOD NOW GO DIE".
And so, as a result of this internal screaming, I'm applying for the council's annual Art Prize. Take that, brain.

My goal of not judging people by first impressions this week has proved to be a difficult challenge.
I have a very strong instinct about a lot of people due to some past experiences, and so even though they may be completely innocent and only remind me a tiny bit of someone or something I don't like, I wish to avoid them. This is most often a useless instinct, albeit one borne from a pure want for survival.
Unfortunately, one of these people is our newly inducted school principal.
I don't know what it is - he's an old guy, seems nice enough, a bit tired and a little grumpy - but I just want to get out of his way and sprint in the opposite direction. He terrifies me. I swear I'm not doing anything wrong, but he makes me feel guilty when he just walks into the room, or if he says hello I kind of stammer an obscure response and get the heck out of there going "OH GOD I'M GONNA DIE I'M GONNA DIE HE'S GONNA KILL ME" like the poor guy is standing there holding a bloody machete to my throat.
I don't get it? He's never done anything to me. I find no association between him and anyone else I don't trust.
Which is a lot of people.
Am I just paranoid? Am I scared he's going to learn every dirty little secret I have? (Which is literally a total of two and they're not even that bad: “yes sir, I’m sorry sir, I’m fricking 18 and I’ve never been kissed, and I want to really badly. Not by you. Also, I don’t like the way you run assemblies…” What a terrible secret.) Am I afraid that he's going to do something to put me in the spotlight somehow?  Embarrass me? Mess with my head like so many others I thought were better than that? Or am I seeing something that no-one else does?
What the heck is wrong with me??

I need to learn how to trust again. I need to learn how to hold people close even while knowing that they’re going to hurt me one day. This isn’t about the principal of a stupid school, it’s about everyone. How I judge people so quickly, how I know I have to heal.
I have to fix myself.
I have to find a damn way to hold people close again. Because I need it as much as they do.

And I can’t do it. I can’t. I try so hard, yet every time someone comes around and hurts me again, it just makes me shrink right back into my pathetic little shell of distrust.
Sometimes it gets so frustrating it just makes me want to scream.
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Poet

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #22 on: March 28, 2018, 09:51:04 pm »
+5
I dedicate this entry to a certain Star-Bellied Sneetch currently bumping about Times Square, New York. I know you read this journal. Don't deny it. Come back to Australia soon, or I'll steal your IT homework solutions.

News from the wild side. Good news, actually.
It’s been a hektik week. Along with the hundreds of other tests and pains this week I’ve got a Legal Studies SAC tomorrow; I am feeling pretty good about it.
Got 82% on my first P.E. SAC, which I’m happy with. I didn’t do 1/2 and I’ve been struggling with the concepts on physics and biomechanics (e.g. conservation or summation of momentum? Huh??) So I now know what to improve in and although I made some stupid mistakes I can understand what I did wrong and how to improve.
Also go 30/40 on my English TR SAC, which came as a bit of a shock. I did better than 80% of my cohort – I was praying for a C, so this was a great surprise to get given a B+ and a quiet “well done” from my teacher. One of the comments was “good use of quotes to establish coherent something-something” and I didn’t remember what I’d written, so I went through my essay and counted the amount of quotes I’d used in the first body paragraph.
I used 14. In a single paragraph.
That’s a lot of quotes, and I don’t even remember doing it.
*pats herself on the back*

However, I can’t help feeling like I need to do more. It’s been established, after years of laborious writing, sweating and *definitely legit* research, that I am in fact a mediocre student who wishes for better than the marks she gets; a better person than who she is.

I know I’m not perfect – nobody is perfect – but I can’t help striving for perfection. Is this a natural human response to failure and imperfection? I don’t know. Some people seem to think it’s okay to get a 50%. They seem to live for what is considered ‘failure’, and they don’t seem to care. For me, although ‘mediocre’ is a common occurrence, it always hits me really hard. I’m constantly beating myself up over that one mark, or that one ambiguous statement. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.

I think about what I could have done, not what I can do. And I feel I need to fix that.

Fix is a word I use a lot to describe things about myself. Like I’m ‘broken’ and I need ‘fixing’. Or I have a wrong perspective or a confusing feeling about something and that needs ‘fixing’.
This one is different. I know that logically, if I was going to fix anything, it would be this.
It’s so much easier to focus on the negatives; I’m not pretty enough (or pretty at all, for that matter), I’m not good enough, I’m not strong enough, I’m not worth it, I don’t deserve the life I live.

The life I love, even as I hate it. What a confusing feeling.

Maybe (just a small thought) I should try focussing on the positives. I do this as part of my daily routine: I roll out of bed, look into the mirror, instinctively grimace and then think the conscious thought, beyond the screaming in my head, that “I am enough.”

Not beautiful.
Not smart.
Not perfect.
But enough.

Even if I don’t feel it now, I am enough.
Everyone is enough.

I might feel lost and alone, but I truly am cherished. I just have difficulty believing it in my heart, where it matters. And I’m sure I’m not alone in this.
I might be mediocre academically, or feel that way no matter how well I do, but I am better than my marks in school or the comments I make without thought, the self-hate that spews out of me like a river of blood.
I might hate everything about myself, and never look at a mirror without flinching, but at least I can know, logically, that people love me no matter how I feel about my physical appearance, my marks or my thoughts.

I have friends who care. If I am enough for them, maybe I can be enough for myself.
I feel so lost, but I can hold onto those who care for me.


Song of the day: Lost Boy by Ruth B:
Spoiler
”There was a time when I was alone
Nowhere to go and no place to call home
My only friend was the man in the moon
And even sometimes he would go away, too

Then one night, as I closed my eyes
I saw a shadow flying high
He came to me with the sweetest smile
Told me he wanted to talk for awhile
He said, "Peter Pan, that's what they call me
I promise that you'll never be lonely," and ever since that day

I am a lost boy from Neverland
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan
And when we're bored we play in the woods
Always on the run from Captain Hook
"Run, run, lost boy. " they say to me
Away from all of reality

Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free
Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free”
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Poet

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #23 on: April 05, 2018, 05:43:27 pm »
+4
Really looking forward to the VIC lectures this weekend! It's going to be really good to solidify some info with the help of ATAR Notes. Thanks fam.
Also it'll force me to keep up my personal hygiene. I tend to get a bit lax about that when I hermit my way through the school holidays.
I end up looking like Radagast the Brown (include the bird dookie encrusted down the side of my face).



On another note.
I have received some (actually many) messages from those who have read what I write in this little journal of mine, and I wanted to thank those who wrote for their encouragement and understanding. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, even though it can feel like it sometimes (a lot of the time), so having complete strangers tell me that they understand, or have gone through similar, and can relate to much of what I have written in either past or present tense, is a bright spot in the otherwise dark world of my mind.

And to Calebark (and anyone else interested), I have tried the grounding technique you mentioned and it can be really helpful in stressful situations/during an anxiety attack. The first time I tried it I couldn't remember it all, though, and then I started panicking because I forgot the last two!! But I'm okay now haha! Note to self: memorize the whole thing before trying it and getting stuck in the middle.
Quote
start breathing deeply. To yourself, name five things you can see. Deep breath. Name four things you can feel. Deep breath. Name three things you can hear. Deep breath. Name two things you can smell. Deep breathe. Name one thing you can taste. Deep breath. It's called grounding

I have found that another outlet I use to calm down is just getting outside and into nature. I think I've talked about this before, but it's my motivation journal so I may get a bit repetitive in my comments about things I do to be motivated and "make it" through high school. (Sorry!)
I went bush-bashing (not actually wacking bushes - it's basically off-roading but when you're walking in the bush, following wombat tracks instead of normal trails, getting cobwebs and spiders caught in your hair, tripping over mossy logs, all that good stuff) with my family a few days ago. It was the most fun I've had in ages, just getting out into the cool serenity of a forest and breathing in the damp air. It was like I was living again.Like it was the first time in months that I had really been able to just bring my guard down and let the quiet of the forest calm me, cleanse me. I’ve been so stressed and so busy and so brimming with confusion and conflicting emotions, and I just needed a chance to let it out.
Granted, I still have a lot bottled up inside. There are things the forest cannot take from me. It’s why I write. But this was a really good stress reduction strategy, and I’m glad I went. Now I’m knuckling down to work again, I miss it and I’m finding it hard to concentrate on my work after only 4 days of rest. I live in a beautiful place with a reserve and wildlife just outside my window, (no seriously, there is a large gum tree with a branch close to my bedroom wall and the possums piss me off at two in the morning) but I just don’t feel it’s the same. I live in a world full of people – is it bad for me to just want to be alone, truly alone, for a while?
But then, at the same time, I realise that I’m lonely. Maybe that’s why I’m finding it so hard to concentrate right now. I mean, I’m annoyed by my siblings and the myriad noises they make, but at the same time I don’t know what I would do with myself if they were gone, if I didn’t have someone with me, whether I like that person or not.
I feel like I would go crazy.
But if I stay here, I'm going to go crazy as well.
So, what does a girl do?

I'm lying to everyone - even myself - left, right and center, telling everyone I'm doing fine, or good, but isn't that what we all say? It's the generic answer to the generic 'how are you', isn't it. I don't think anyone has ever answered my casual 'how are you?' with 'I think I'm going insane'. The 'how are you' is a greeting of strangers at the supermarket; one is looking for the canned tomato and the other stands in their way. It's a way to get someone's attention, when we ask that question. It's like people don't really care any more. No, it's not even a question anymore. It's a statement, engineered to get someone out of your life as fast as possible.

A part of me wonders what would happen if I answered truthfully to a stranger's question one day. I've known friends to answer 'not so good' before, and I would help them the best I could, but I've never really found the confidence (in speech, it's a lot easier to write imo) to tell anyone but my mother that I'm not feeling well. I can't even tell her how I'm hurting. Maybe it's because I find it so hard to describe with speech. Like, how am I meant to walk up to my mother and say "Hey, Mom, I have depression and I think I should get help for it"? I mean, that's exactly what I did, and my life is somewhat better for it, but it's so, so hard to open up to people.
But everyone needs to at some point, and I need to now.

Maybe then I won't feel so lonely, even when I'm surrounded by people who know and understand, and tell me they care.

And then, maybe I can find a place to be alone without incessantly screaming children ferals and not go crazy with my own thoughts.
I wonder if I'm an introvert? ::)
Ugh.

It's going to be kind of crazy, going to these lectures the next couple of weeks and possibly seeing people who have actually read this journal. About 3 people in my life, total, are all I have ever told about how I feel.
I guess this is part of me stepping out into the open, even if it is a weird way to do it.

Song of the Day:
Spoiler
« Last Edit: April 05, 2018, 06:06:07 pm by secretly_a_poet »
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Poet

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #24 on: April 08, 2018, 05:38:16 pm »
+6
I don't know what I am doing here. I don't know if that was existential or not?

I'm tired.
Okay, let's see what I'm thinking...

Went to the Further Maths lecture yesterday and the Biology lecture today, and boy was it exciting!
Okay, so maybe exciting is a weird word for it, but damn those lectures were on point. I got a lot from them. Kudos to Brady and Katherine. Especially Brady, who had to deal with a time-crunch due to some technical difficulties for the first half-hour and still managed to get through a lot. Also someone told him his hair looked bad. What a lie, guys, it was on point.

I'm feeling really drained today; basically just trying to stay on my feet. Well, I'm sitting, but figure of speech.
I'm leaving the house at 6 tomorrow morning (up at 5:20), and I've had to deal with Hurstbridge Line disruptions while getting into the city these last few days, so I've been leaving early every morning since Friday and then going straight to work afterwards. My days have been from 6 - 11, and it's been a little crazy, especially for someone who needs her sleep. I am not a morning person, no matter how pretty the sunrise gets. (I mean, there's a sunset too, right?)

Thankfully, I have been able to deal with my general anxiety about social situations/public transport/strangers/everything over the past few days and so I can make the sure statement that the lectures and the LaTrobe Open Day I went to (on Friday) were extremely enjoyable.

It's my mother's birthday today, so I printed out the photo of a kookaburra I took last week and got her a World Vision card. My big sister and I got her a goat that's not actually hers but it kind of is.

I do need to wind down after the madness of the past few days (and tomorrow, and next weekend...), and I have a favourite Youtuber for that. His voice is literally the most calming thing I have ever found myself experiencing, even if he does go a little off the rails sometimes.

Have a few videos of my favourite artist doing cool things with a glass dip pen/s (@Calebark, I chose all the glowey ones)
Check it Out!

He makes me feel like I can actually do something with my stupid life and just not care what people think of me, which I do. A lot. But try not to. A lot.

I can't think. I'll post much more eloquently when I can get some decent food (haven't eaten anything but free food and a packet of musk sticks for like 3 days) and a bit of rest.

Bye, my peeps.
Bye for now.
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Poet

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #25 on: April 10, 2018, 12:20:04 pm »
+6
Hey all.
I’m really in a bad place today. Don’t even know what I’m doing here, tbh. I went downhill like a penguin on ice after I got home last night and I’m just doing my best to hold on and give myself time and a place where I can’t do anything I might regret later (that means sitting at the kitchen table all. Damn. Day).
It’s really hard, though, and I’m not able to eat anything either. I feel like a wilting flower.
Existential Poet is back as well. Yay for her. So here’s something that’s been buzzing around in my mind for a little while (literally).


Atoms.
Only 5 letters to make up our universe. And even those simple 5 letters are made up of atoms.
The word is such a short one, but so full of meaning. So full of everything.

Atoms make up the world we live in. They make up our houses, our food, our families, us. But they are never seen. We can only guess what an atom looks like; it is silent, it is mostly space, it is what gives us life. But atoms are not sentient. It’s not like they care about being a part of life, the breath that fills our lungs, the blood in our veins, the clouds and the rain. It’s just what they do. It amazes me that a substance so much a part of everything can be ignorant of the fact that it… is.

Maybe we are like that. You know, us humans tend to be selfish and ignorant. Not in a bad way, of course – maybe the better word is naïve – but we all just float about like atoms or scuttle about like ants, following the pheromone trail to whatever destination we believe can give us the best chance of survival.
A lot of us, however, are more like atoms than ants. At least ants know to carry their food back to the nest to feed the colony and look after the next generation. At least ants know to guard their homes and stay loyal to their queen until the day of their death. Atoms have no mind, no instinct. They just drift until they are caught up with billions and trillions more, making something so beautiful. Something they will never see for themselves, for they have no eyes, no ears, no minds and no soul.

So then, where does our soul come from? The personality, the higher level of thought, the emotion and the sympathy. The love and the laughter. The pain and the hate. We are so much more than base creatures like ants, beautiful though they are. So, should we not act like it?
The world around us is dying. We are dying, slowly but surely. And we, like simple atoms that make up a whole, are ignorant of the role we play in it. It’s like so many of us don’t even have eyes – can we not see the torture our world is going through? Can we not see the impact our inventions and explorations have on the place we call home?

I watched a documentary a couple nights ago on NASA and the journey to Mars. The people who spoke in favour of the Mars exploration initiative made comments on finding a “new world” for us to populate. But this could never be the case – it should never be the case. Instead of pushing forward to the very limits of space, wondrous as it is, we should be working to conserve and protect what we already have. Earth is a piece of careful glass-work found in the gutter – so random, so fragile, and a one-in-a-trillion gem. There’s no place like home, and we should always do our absolute best to keep it in good repair. So why do we act so mindlessly, wasting resources and ruining our planet?

We are not atoms. Granted, they are what make us, but we have a soul and a mind to act upon concerns with. We need to cradle this glass-work gently and easily, but we never really seem afraid to break it, even as it cracks under the pressure we place.

It’s just something I think about, and something we should all think about. And act upon.

Song of the day: Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto no.3 Movement 1.
Spoiler
« Last Edit: April 10, 2018, 03:03:30 pm by secretly_a_poet »
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Yertle the Turtle

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #26 on: April 11, 2018, 10:23:26 pm »
+3
Song of the day: Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto no.3 Movement 1.
Spoiler
I agree, it's beautiful. Do you know the 2nd Piano Concerto? That takes piano music to the next level, strongly recommend it.

Definitely agree about the way the world is made, and how we need to act. I greatly respect the fact that you can put that kind of stuff down on paper, I know I can't. I'm loving the additions to the forums you are making as well, keep it up! :)
2017-2018: VCE
Methods | Specialist | Physics | Chemistry | English | Texts and Traditions

2019: B. Eng (Hons) | Monash
2019-?: Certificate III  in Bricklaying and Blocklaying

Have counted to 80

Poet

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #27 on: April 11, 2018, 10:29:20 pm »
+4
I agree, it's beautiful. Do you know the 2nd Piano Concerto? That takes piano music to the next level, strongly recommend it.

Definitely agree about the way the world is made, and how we need to act. I greatly respect the fact that you can put that kind of stuff down on paper, I know I can't. I'm loving the additions to the forums you are making as well, keep it up! :)

Yes, the 2nd Concerto is beautiful. Rachmaninoff's pieces are all so emotive, almost aggressive - like waves or a storm. An unstoppable force of nature. I should probably get on the Classical Music thread at some point.
Him and Mozart are some of my personal favourite artists (funnily enough, I'm listening to Mozart's Piano Sonata No. 16 atm.) :)

And thank you, although I'm not really putting this down on "paper", haha!

edit: Oh! I forgot Chopin! ;)
« Last Edit: April 11, 2018, 10:36:35 pm by secretly_a_poet »
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Poet

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #28 on: April 12, 2018, 07:48:46 pm »
+9
And after actually writing the post: I need to apologise for the sheer amount of complaining in this entry. I should probably rename the thread “Poet complains”.

And by some sort of miracle, I'm still here.
Hey guys. I hope y'all are doing alright. VCEers ready for the next round? HSCers happy it's almost the holidays? :,)
Going to a psych at some point in the next few days (again, this'll be my fourth psych, hopefully they are better than the last few) but I'm good. It can be so, so difficult to just stay upright and think positive, but I do the best I can. I haven't been eating or showering or doing much at all save for sitting in this one spot and rocking back and forth like some weird loop of Gollum when he realises he's lost his ring, but I'm alive...
And this thread as an outlet helps.
Actually, ATAR Notes in general really helps. It gives me something to do, something to read, something to be interested in, something to learn, and the people on here are like a slightly bonkers extended family. So no matter what's going on in my life and in my head right now, at least I can go on here and find someone who needs help, or a little piece of encouragement. And helping people always makes a person feel a little bit better about themselves. Maybe it's selfish, but it's an outlet.

I don't know why I've been so down. Typically, there's a trigger. Maybe I just don't want to go back to school, or maybe I saw something/someone that I was not expecting to, or maybe I ate too many dumplings, or hell, maybe I'm just a terrible human being. I mean, why not. The dumplings bit would explain my current aversion to food, but who knows. All I know is that every time my siblings make noise (legit 24/7) or I need to get back to work or I start to go to my bedroom and then get denied I'm like:

Note this meme is for heartbreak - I don't even know what a 'romantic' is, so let's ignore that fact and just say yes, I want to lie down and not even breathe, because that is just way to much effort.
And yet somehow I've managed to write the first paragraph of my Language Analysis. I guess I’m eager for punishment.
For the past week I have been constantly second-guessing myself or telling myself I can't do this, can't do that, this is too hard, that isn't worth it. It can be so hard to just hold your head above the water. And it can be really frustrating to be doing so well and then slip back again. And I know I shouldn’t but I still blame myself for everything that goes wrong, but I do.

I keep losing track of my thoughts as well. I mean, I’m distractible enough already, but then the listlessness just take it all away. Every time I write maybe three words to a sentence I’ve had to pause and try to work through exactly what I was just going to say. Hence, I’ve been trying to write this post for over 4 hours. And this paragraph just took me almost 10 minutes.

So, thanks for being here, AN. I don’t know where I was going with this post – I feel confused and alone and sad and frustrated with myself – but I’m thankful for this community. I guess that’s all that matters, even when I feel like someone’s pulled the curtains over anything that brings light into my life.

Song of the day: Final Call - Vexaic. Totally matches my mood haha
Spoiler
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

turinturambar

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #29 on: April 12, 2018, 11:06:38 pm »
0
I watched a documentary a couple nights ago on NASA and the journey to Mars. The people who spoke in favour of the Mars exploration initiative made comments on finding a “new world” for us to populate. But this could never be the case – it should never be the case. Instead of pushing forward to the very limits of space, wondrous as it is, we should be working to conserve and protect what we already have. Earth is a piece of careful glass-work found in the gutter – so random, so fragile, and a one-in-a-trillion gem. There’s no place like home, and we should always do our absolute best to keep it in good repair. So why do we act so mindlessly, wasting resources and ruining our planet?

I generally agree with you, but I don't see it as an either / or.
Earth is a beautiful, amazing place, and the idea that if there's a disaster we can just hop over to the moon or Mars and start over is crazy.

At the same time, space exploration is a tiny proportion of government budgets, it continues our species' urge to discover and explore, it lifts the human spirit, and the research done for and in the space program has often been able to be used by all of us on earth as well.
Yes, we could do a better job protecting this earth, but I don't think gutting the space program would do anything to help this.
“Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” – Neil Gaiman