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HSC Stuff => HSC Marking and Feedback => HSC Subjects + Help => Marking Thread Archives => Topic started by: jamonwindeyer on February 19, 2016, 09:05:47 pm

Title: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 19, 2016, 09:05:47 pm
If you'd like your essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for us to mark!

Hey everyone!! Welcome to the Legal Studies Marking Thread. This thread is here for you to get feedback on your essays from a Band 6 student. This resource exists to help you guys make huge improvements on your essay writing... Too often, teachers just write "good" or "needs explaining" or "expand". SUPER. FRUSTRATING. This is a place to properly improve :) :) :)

Before posting, please read the essay marking rules/rationale here.

I hope this thread becomes a useful resource throughout your HSC Year. Happy study!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Jemimared on February 20, 2016, 08:40:15 pm
Hi there, I haven't written a conclusion to this yet, but I'm not sure if I am on the right track in what I am writing- or more importantly if  I'm even answering the question!
The question is- Evaluate the law’s effectiveness in encouraging cooperation to achieve justice for parties involved in relationship breakdown.
The other thing is there is so much involved in this question that I am not sure what to add in and what to leave out. E.g. I haven't talked about ADVOs but that is a pretty big part of it.
Let me know what you think.
Thanks :)



The Australian Family Law Act 1975 (Cth) (FLA) defines the family as ‘the natural and fundamental group unit of society, especially in relation to the upbringing of children”. This definition mirrors Article 23 of the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights (ICCPR) which states that “the family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State.” The law’s effectiveness in encouraging cooperation in relationship breakdown can be effective when parties involved are willing to comply. In cases where one or both parties are hostile and not willing to comply, achieving justice becomes much harder. In a relationship breakdown it is important that the best interests of the child is paramount in the outcome of the breakdown. However this is not always seen in relationship breakdowns.

When a relationship breaks down two of the most significant issues that need to be resolved are the care of children and the division of property. If the relationship breakdown is relatively amicable these issues can be quite straightforward, and in 95% of cases, divorces are settled out of court via mediation. However, if not, the parties must rely on the family law system to try to achieve just outcomes not just for the parties in the relationship but also for the best interests of the children (in line with Convention on the Rights of the Child (CROC) who are part of the families formed by these relationships.The system of family law in Australia has developed over time on the basis of trying to protect the individuals that make up a particular family unit regardless of whether they are married as defined by the Marriage Act 1961 (Cth) or whether they are in a de-facto relationship.  The law system has had to change over the years to accomodate the changing nature of families. The traditional view of a nuclear family of a married mother and father plus children was too narrow to encompass the variety of families that exist, including de-facto couples, single parent families, same sex couples and Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander customary marriage.
Achieving justice for all parties and encouraging cooperation in relationship breakdown has become more attainable through key reforms in family law including; The FLA ’No fault’ divorce, the Family Courts reduction in the formality of proceedings in 1987 (with the focus shifting from winning to resolution), and the Family Law Reform Act 1995 (Cth) (FLRA) moving away from parents ‘rights’ towards parental responsibility (In line with CROC).

When a relationship breaks down there are three pathways to resolve the issues of care of children and division of property. These are: Private negotiation, Family Dispute Resolution (FDR) or litigation. FDR includes negotiation, mediation, arbitration and child-inclusive processes. FDR is resource effective as it is a cheaper and quicker method of resolving disputes than litigation. A report by in 2009 by the Attorney-Generals Department, found that for every $1 invested by the government in FDR, approx. $1.50 is saved in court time and related costs. It has been proven that voluntarily reached agreements made by separating parties are much more effective in the long term rather than adversarial court processes, due to the encouragement of cooperation in coming to an agreement. FDR also allows parents to focus on their child’s best interests in line with CROC and community values. However, if parties in FDR (due to compulsory nature) fail to cooperate with the process, or in the case of a significant power imbalance between the parties, FDR might not result in a fair outcome. Finally, because agreements and parenting plans are non-binding, they are not fully safe-guarded in a court hearing. However, a consent order can be made enforcing the parenting plan. Through consent orders, the law has been able to encourage parents to cooperate by creating a consequence if the parenting plan is not followed.
In 2006, the Australian Government introduced a series of changes to the family law system.
These included changes to the FLA through the Family Law Amendment
(Shared Parental Responsibility) Act 2006 (Cth) (FLASPRA) and changes to the family
relationship services system.These changes were a step in the right direction for achieving justice and encouraging cooperation for parties involved in relationship breakdown. The aim of the 2006 reforms were to create a generational change in family law and a cultural shift in the management of parental separation, away from litigation and towards shared and cooperative parenting.
These changes were a result of the need for laws in line with CROC and with the best interests of the child. The legislation was also important to respond to community concern that children should have meaningful contact with both parents.
It is important to note that, the presumption of equal shared parental responsibility does not apply where the court has reasonable grounds to believe there has been family violence or abuse.
The 2006 reforms have had a range of positive impacts, encouragement of cooperation between both parties has aided in achieving justice for parties involved in relationship breakdown, and for the broader community. The introduction of family relationship centres (FRCs) and the requirement for compulsory mediation before court action in post-separation disputes have seen a decline in court filings for children’s cases, and a shift away from automatic recourse to court litigation.
Through the use of compulsory mediation, the law has encouraged cooperation from both parties in relationship breakdown to make a genuine effort at resolving post separation issues. This is both in line with CROC and the best interests of the child and in line with contemporary community values.

However, the 2006 reforms have also created problems for parties involved in relationship breakdown. The reforms have in some cases discouraged fathers to cooperate in the long-term decisions about the child, by raising the expectations of fathers that they would be granted 50/50 equal time in parental responsibility. This has consequently reinforced the idea that parents have a right to their child rather than considering their needs and what is in the best interest for them. It has also created an expectation amongst mothers that they should agree to equal sharing.
As the 2010 SMH article “Reports show shared care needs fixing” discussed, shared parenting reforms are sometimes used in a way that is harmful to both children and to partners subject to family violence (discouraging mothers from raising family violence concerns due to the emphasis on facilitating the child's relationship with the father).
While in general the laws encouraging of shared parenting is positive, and has proved successful experts, particularly in family violence have raised concerns that shared parenting reforms, in particular the ‘hostile parent’ provision have made it harder for women to raise issues of family violence or abuse for fear that the court would view them as ‘uncooperative’ and grant them less time with the children as a result. There is also no guarantee that children will be protected from violent or abusive parents. For example, in the cases of Murphy & Murphy and Robins v Ruddock, the children were ordered to spend time with their fathers despite allegations of sexual abuse. cooperation  can only be effective if the system does not discourage parents from raising legitimate concerns about genuine risk of abuse or neglect.

In response to reports such as the 2010 Chisholm report ‘Family Courts Violence Review’, and cases such as Lewis v Wackett, the federal government passed the Family Law Legislation Amendment (Family Violence) Act 2011 (Cth) which aimed to provide better protection for families and children at risk of family violence and encourage cooperation of parents by removal of the ‘hostile parent’ provision, and applying firmer rules about dealing with family violence and child abuse.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: mimi967 on February 20, 2016, 09:21:32 pm
Hey, I'm not sure where I should add case studies to this !! Also do you think I have covered everything?
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: gabriellav on February 21, 2016, 10:05:38 am
Hi, I would love to receive feedback regarding this essay. I would love to know how I could further improve it so that it is of high quality yet is able to be written under examination time!!!
Thank you
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 21, 2016, 11:15:50 am
Quote from: Jemimared on February 20, 2016, 08:40:15 pm
Hi there, I haven't written a conclusion to this yet, but I'm not sure if I am on the right track in what I am writing- or more importantly if  I'm even answering the question!
The question is- Evaluate the law’s effectiveness in encouraging cooperation to achieve justice for parties involved in relationship breakdown.
The other thing is there is so much involved in this question that I am not sure what to add in and what to leave out. E.g. I haven't talked about ADVOs but that is a pretty big part of it.
Let me know what you think.
Thanks :)

Sure thing Jemimared! I've popped your essay below with some helpful comments throughout:

Spoiler
The Australian Family Law Act 1975 (Cth) (FLA) defines the family as ‘the natural and fundamental group unit of society, especially in relation to the upbringing of children”. This definition mirrors Article 23 of the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights (ICCPR) which states that “the family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State.” The law’s effectiveness in encouraging cooperation in relationship breakdown can be effective when parties involved are willing to comply. In cases where one or both parties are hostile and not willing to comply, achieving justice becomes much harder. In a relationship breakdown it is important that the best interests of the child is paramount in the outcome of the breakdown. However this is not always seen in relationship breakdowns. I think the use of definitions here creates an excellent introduction! I would say that it is missing some kind of evaluative statement which directly sets your judgement on the issue. This is an evaluate question, make your judgement. Further, be sure to set out the arguments for the rest of your essay in the introduction, that is, identify what areas you will be discussing.

When a relationship breaks down two of the most significant issues that need to be resolved are the care of children and the division of property. If the relationship breakdown is relatively amicable these issues can be quite straightforward, and in 95% of cases, divorces are settled out of court via mediation. However, if not, the parties must rely on the family law system to try to achieve just outcomes not just for the parties in the relationship but also for the best interests of the children (in line with Convention on the Rights of the Child (CROC) who are part of the families formed by these relationships.The system of family law in Australia has developed over time on the basis of trying to protect the individuals that make up a particular family unit regardless of whether they are married as defined by the Marriage Act 1961 (Cth) or whether they are in a de-facto relationship (As defined by?).  The law system has had to change over the years to accomodate the changing nature of families. The traditional view of a nuclear family of a married mother and father plus children was too narrow to encompass the variety of families that exist, including de-facto couples, single parent families, same sex couples and Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander customary marriage. This amount of detail on the actual 'theory' behind these laws is less important than actually evaluating them as mechanisms for justice. Try and cut this section down.
Achieving justice for all parties and encouraging cooperation in relationship breakdown has become more attainable through key reforms in family law including; The FLA ’No fault’ divorce, the Family Courts reduction in the formality of proceedings in 1987 (with the focus shifting from winning to resolution), and the Family Law Reform Act 1995 (Cth) (FLRA) moving away from parents ‘rights’ towards parental responsibility (In line with CROC). THIS LITTLE BIT HERE is what you needed at the end of your introduction!

When a relationship breaks down there are three pathways to resolve the issues of care of children and division of property. These are: Private negotiation, Family Dispute Resolution (FDR) or litigation. FDR includes negotiation, mediation, arbitration and child-inclusive processes. I'm missing the evaluative statement, which normally falls in your amplification (in a MATES paragraph). Make a judgement as to how effective these things are. FDR is resource effective as it is a cheaper and quicker method of resolving disputes than litigation. A report by in 2009 by the Attorney-Generals Department, found that for every $1 invested by the government in FDR, approx. $1.50 is saved in court time and related costs. It has been proven that voluntarily reached agreements made by separating parties are much more effective in the long term rather than adversarial court processes, due to the encouragement of cooperation in coming to an agreement. FDR also allows parents to focus on their child’s best interests in line with CROC and community values. However, if parties in FDR (due to compulsory nature) fail to cooperate with the process, or in the case of a significant power imbalance between the parties, FDR might not result in a fair outcome. Finally, because agreements and parenting plans are non-binding, they are not fully safe-guarded in a court hearing. However, a consent order can be made enforcing the parenting plan. Through consent orders, the law has been able to encourage parents to cooperate by creating a consequence if the parenting plan is not followed. Again, missing a conclusion which evaluates the measure and links back to your thesis.

In 2006, the Australian Government introduced a series of changes to the family law system.These included changes to the FLA through the Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility) Act 2006 (Cth) (FLASPRA) and changes to the family
relationship services system. These changes were a step in the right direction for achieving justice and encouraging cooperation for parties involved in relationship breakdown. There we go, this is what I was missing earlier. The aim of the 2006 reforms were to create a generational change in family law and a cultural shift in the management of parental separation, away from litigation and towards shared and cooperative parenting.  These changes were a result of the need for laws in line with CROC and with the best interests of the child. The legislation was also important to respond to community concern that children should have meaningful contact with both parents.  It is important to note that, the presumption of equal shared parental responsibility does not apply where the court has reasonable grounds to believe there has been family violence or abuse.  Again, too much content, not much evaluation/analysis .

The 2006 reforms have had a range of positive impacts, encouragement of cooperation between both parties has aided in achieving justice for parties involved in relationship breakdown, and for the broader community. The introduction of family relationship centres (FRCs) and the requirement for compulsory mediation before court action in post-separation disputes have seen a decline in court filings for children’s cases, and a shift away from automatic recourse to court litigation.

Through the use of compulsory mediation, the law has encouraged cooperation from both parties in relationship breakdown to make a genuine effort at resolving post separation issues. This is both in line with CROC and the best interests of the child and in line with contemporary community values. "Contemporary community values', excellent inclusion of a Preliminary Theme here

However, the 2006 reforms have also created problems for parties involved in relationship breakdown. The reforms have in some cases discouraged fathers to cooperate in the long-term decisions about the child, by raising the expectations of fathers that they would be granted 50/50 equal time in parental responsibility. This has consequently reinforced the idea that parents have a right to their child rather than considering their needs and what is in the best interest for them. It has also created an expectation amongst mothers that they should agree to equal sharing.

As the 2010 SMH article “Reports show shared care needs fixing” discussed, shared parenting reforms are sometimes used in a way that is harmful to both children and to partners subject to family violence (discouraging mothers from raising family violence concerns due to the emphasis on facilitating the child's relationship with the father). Good media reference

While in general the laws encouraging of shared parenting is positive, and has proved successful experts, particularly in family violence have raised concerns that shared parenting reforms, in particular the ‘hostile parent’ provision have made it harder for women to raise issues of family violence or abuse for fear that the court would view them as ‘uncooperative’ and grant them less time with the children as a result. There is also no guarantee that children will be protected from violent or abusive parents. For example, in the cases of Murphy & Murphy and Robins v Ruddock, the children were ordered to spend time with their fathers despite allegations of sexual abuse. cooperation  can only be effective if the system does not discourage parents from raising legitimate concerns about genuine risk of abuse or neglect. Excellent high modality evaluative statement here.

In response to reports such as the 2010 Chisholm report ‘Family Courts Violence Review’, and cases such as Lewis v Wackett, the federal government passed the Family Law Legislation Amendment (Family Violence) Act 2011 (Cth) which aimed to provide better protection for families and children at risk of family violence and encourage cooperation of parents by removal of the ‘hostile parent’ provision, and applying firmer rules about dealing with family violence and child abuse.


From reading this essay (even without conclusion) I can tell that you have an excellent grasp of the content. The details you include are excellent and form the foundations of an extremely effective response. You use Laws, Reports and Statistics excellently as evidence for your points. (Cases and Media were less effective, maybe add a bit more here?)

I would say you have two points for improvement:

In reading your response, these two issues meant that it felt more like I was reading a "content drop" rather than a carefully planned evaluative response. Your content knowledge is obvious and extremely impressive, now focus on the evaluation itself  ;D

PS - In regard to what to include, the Domestic Violence content is definitely applicable here, but it is not a 'must include.' The focus is on what you are currently discussing, but DV can add some more variety to your discussion, if you choose.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 21, 2016, 12:06:57 pm
Quote from: mimi967 on February 20, 2016, 09:21:32 pm
Hey, I'm not sure where I should add case studies to this !! Also do you think I have covered everything?

Hey mimi967! I've had a read and put some comments here:

Spoiler
Discuss (identify issues and provide points for and against) how the legal system has responded to the changing nature of parental responsibility

The Australian Family Law Act 1975 (Cth) (FLA) defines the family as ‘the natural and fundamental group unit of society, especially in relation to the upbringing of children”. This definition mirrors Article 23 of the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights (ICCPR) which states that “the family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State.” Parental responsibilities are all the duties, powers, responsibilities and authority that, by law, parents have in relation to children. Laws regarding the care and responsibility of children after relationship breakdown are contained in the FLA, which was changed substantially by the Family Law Reform Act 1995 (Cth) (FLRA) and further by the Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility) Act 2006 (Cth) (FLASPRA). Under the FLA, parents wether married or not, both have responsibility for the care and welfare of their children. This legislation emphasises the rights of children and the responsibilities of parents. A solid introduction, nice use of definitions! However, you are missing a breakdown of what the rest of the essay will be covering. You also need a point of discussion to carry through your essay, some kind of debate/argument/analysis you'll take through the remainder of your paragraphs.

In the twentieth century the idea of the ‘right to a child’ rather than ‘responsibility for a child’ was the main factor in deciding which parent was granted custody and guardianship of children.The Matrimonial Causes Act 1959 (Cth), was the first act to make laws in regard to divorce. the Matrimonial Causes Act provided fourteen grounds for divorce. When a couple obtained a divorce, one party (usually the mother) was given custody of the children and the other was ordered to pay maintenance. The party ‘at fault’ was usually not given custody of the children, this showed that the notion of parental responsibility was less important in the minds of many parents than the rights of access to the child. This is a solid content block, but it is just that. Content. Be sure each point is being discussed as part of a larger argument.

With the introduction of the FLA, came many changes to the way the law deals with divorce. Primarily the introduction of the ‘best interest of the child’ as the main consideration for deciding issues about custody and access to children. As well as the amendment so that the only grounds for divorce was the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage. Although the concept of fault was no longer relevant to the custody of children, parents still linked the idea of paying maintenance with access to the child, again emphasising parental rights over parental responsibility.

In the past ex-nuptial children were not given the same rights as nuptial children under the FLA, although In 1976 they were given the same rights under the Children (Equality of Status) Act 1976 (NSW). However it wasn't until 1988 that ex-nuptial children came under jurisdiction of the FLA. Before this, lots of mothers had difficulty collecting maintenance from the father of the child. But since 1988, it has become more difficult for father to ignore this responsibility. Good coverage of Law Reform and not just current laws. It is always relevant to cover the development of the current legal climate.

In 1988 the Child Support Scheme was introduced to address the problem that over 70% of parents avoided paying child maintenance. The scheme no longer took into account social security benefits when deciding how much maintenance should be payable. This made it far more difficult for liable parents to avoid paying maintenance, resulting in the numbers of non paying parents dropping to under 30%.Statistics are Awesome.

In 1995, after the ratification of Convention on the Rights of the Child (CROC), the FLA was changed substantially by the FLRA. These changes reflected the ‘best interest of the child’ and emphasised parental responsibility rather than parental rights to see or have custody of the child. The terms custody, guardianship and access were replaced with residence, parental responsibility and contact. These terminology changes have tried to emphasise the changing nature from parental rights to parental responsibility. The FLRA also introduced the consideration of family violence as a factor in determining parental responsibility, residence and contact for a child. This reduced the winner/loser mentality that has previously existed in custody disputes and as a consequence has reduced conflict between parents in decision making processes. However there have been criticisms about the reform including; concerns that the terminology changes were not actually changing parents idea about parenting, concerns of women making false allegations about family violence in order to prevent the father from seeing his children. Although research has shown that in the majority of cases such allegations are true. Another concern was that in 2005, a report written by the Australian Institute of Family Studies (AIFS) found that only 6% of children were spending close to equal time with both parents.

These concerns show the disconnect between the idea of parental rights and parental responsibilities for a considerable number of separating couples. These concerns and lobbying from father’s groups such as the Lone Fathers Association and Dads In Distress led to the idea of equal shared parental responsibility, which was introduced in the FLASPRA.
The 2006 reforms included major changes to the FLA through FLASPRA and changes to the family relationship services system. The aim of the 2006 reforms was to create a generational change in family law and a cultural shift in the management of parental separation, away from litigation and towards responsible, shared and cooperative parenting. The most significant features of the 2006 reforms are: the emphasis on the best interests of the child as the paramount consideration in family law matters and the right of children to know both parents and to be protected from harm.
Significant changes under the 2006 reforms were made about Family Dispute Resolution (FDR). The set up of Family Relationship Centres (FRC) and in particular the emphasis (and requirement in most cases) on mediation has been important in achieving quicker, cheaper and often more effective solutions for families. However dispute resolution is not safe guarded by court, so can in some cases be less effective. These sorts of evaluative comments should be more prevalent in your response.
Since 2006, there has been a presumption that it is in the best interests of the child for the parents to have equal shared parental responsibility, however that does not necessarily mean a child must spend equal time with both parents. This has caused much confusion for some parents who believed they would be granted 50/50 equal shared parenting. As reported in the ABC article “Shared parenting 'hurting children’”, the reforms have raised the expectation of fathers and also created an expectation amongst mothers that they should agree to equal sharing. Overall the reforms have taken the focus away from what is in the best interest of the child.
There's also the risk that violence may be overlooked in the quest for shared-parenting responsibility. There are two provisions of the FLASPRA that are potentially putting women and children at risk of family violence. The first is that women may be afraid to raise issues of family violence or abuse for fear that the court would view them as ‘unfriendly’ or ‘uncooperative’ and grant them less time with the children as a result. The second is the provision of costs against a parent who makes false accusations of violence or makes untrue denials. Reports such as the Family Courts Violence Review and the Evaluation of the 2006 Family Law Reforms have found that both these provisions discourage women from raising concerns about family violence. These last two chunks, blended together with an appropriate point of argument, would form an extremely effective paragraph.

Right, so I didn't add to many comments in the essay because your content is solid, your writing is clear, and you are covering the right things. You use legal terminology really well throughout your response. I would say your response is lacking in a few areas, however:


In terms of cases to add, this topic is difficult because not a lot of information is shared about Cases to do with Family Matters. Try Mulvany v Lane [2009] as a starting point, and besides that, search for Family Court cases. This specific case deals with the best interests of the child, so it suits where your essay is heading.

Besides this. I would say you need a little more emphasis on CROC (based on the arguments you are making in your essay), and perhaps even the Children/Young Persons Care and Protection Act.

Your essay is quite rich in content, you clearly know your stuff! You now just need to work on the finer points to bring everything together.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 21, 2016, 12:50:19 pm
Quote from: gabriellav on February 21, 2016, 10:05:38 am
Hi, I would love to receive feedback regarding this essay. I would love to know how I could further improve it so that it is of high quality yet is able to be written under examination time!!!
Thank you

Hi Gabriella! I've attached your essay with some comments throughout:

Spoiler
The law’s primary objective is to provide justice for all parties involved in legal disputes; however, through assessment in the R V Chio Rai Tang and Gordon Wood case, it is evident that the law has been ineffective in balancing the rights of those concerns and deliver just outcomes.  The R V Chio Rai Tang case involves Choi Kia Tang and three young companions who were stealing mangoes from a tree in the backyard of David Laxalle in February 1997 which lead to his death being stabbed several times. That sentence needs some breaking up with commas/full stops. The Gordon Wood Case commenced in June 1995, when a model and girlfriend of Gordon Wood, Caroline Byrne was found at the bottom of the cliffs at the Gap, Watson’s Bay.  These cases are examined through the criminal investigation process, criminal trial process and criminal sentencing process which constitutes the evaluation as to whether the criminal legal system delivers just outcomes for the victims, offenders and society. Good intro, though it may be appropriate to include your definition of a just outcome, how do you define successfully achieving justice?

The criminal investigation process (CIP), in the reporting of a crime, puts into motion the machinery of the criminal justice system. It therefore must be effective, as to achieve justice for the victim, offender and society.   The investigation process involved in the R v Choi Kia Tang case was marginally successful, purporting significant issues for the offender. When Tang was interviewed by the police he provided a false date of birth with NSW Police force, failing to comply to police responsibility to obtain the right identification in the Code of Practice for CRIME  and the Enforcement ( Powers and Responsibility) Act 2002 ( NSW) (LEPRA). Accordingly, when the offender was sentenced by Justice Hidden, it was erroneously believed that he was 18 years of age at the time of the killing. In fact he was 17 years and 4 months. This meant that at the time of the interview he had gained no legal advice or guardian and this meant the evidence was illegally obtained which in the form of a interview video, was presented before a jury that accused him guilty of murder. “ His three companions were sixteen years old at the time” and received good behaviour bonds because as stated by the judge “ the prisoner stood in a very different position from them”. Clearly, he was treated unfairly and his rights were neglected. This error made the successful appeal against conviction because it had an impact upon the admissibility of statement made by the prisoner to investigating police, judge and jury.

Another example which supports my stance is the R V Wood case in which demonstrates the ineffectiveness of achieving justice, however for all, in the investigation process.  Definitely avoid the first person statements. Essays must be written objectively, no 'my' or 'I.' Essentially, Wood appealed his seventeen year sentence in 2012 due to the evidence presented in 2008 to charge him was deemed circumstantial and poorly documented. The entirety of the appeal was based on the standing that suicide could not be ruled out as a case of death and therefore, the prosecution was unable to prove beyond reasonable doubt that Wood is guilty of murder. As signified in the case, Wood had multiple grounds to combat his miscarriage of justice, some of which include “Ground 3: The evidence and the opinions of A/Prof Cross caused the trial to miscarry.” and “Ground 6: The trial miscarried by reason of the prejudice occasioned by the Crown Prosecutor. According to the SMH news article ‘Wood appeals cliff plunge conviction’ (2011) which addresses ground 3, “Wood's murder trial miscarried as scientific evidence about his lover's cliff plunge was based on flawed assumptions”. Wood challenged that the testimonies that Ms. Byrne had been “spear thrown” from the “northern ledge of the Gap” (Wood v R [2012] NSWCCA 21) was used as evidence without admissible proof as foundation. This therefore, fails to uphold the Evidence Act 1995 and thus demonstrates that the law is ineffective in providing just outcomes for the accused.

Another determinant which helps to establish why the criminal justice system has not achieved justice is through examination of the criminal trial process.  This system includes a contest between two adversaries, which presumes that all are equal before court. The criminal trial process involved in the R v Choi Kia Tang case was ineffective, significantly affecting all. The court process was extremely time consuming, draining and unfair for both Tang and Laxalls family , which prevented them from progressing their lives. Tang had “spent seven years on remand before being freed after 80 minutes of jury deliberation”.  ( Sun Herald- Young people should shun weapons). At the conclusion of the second trial, the Judge made a crucial error giving “Jones v Dunkel” directions to the jury which influenced their decision. This conflicts with the very basis of the criminal trial process in NSW, whereby the accused has the presumption of innocence on his side. As a result, the Appeal Court overturned Tangs convection yet a new trial was ordered. Additionally, plea- bargaining promoted inequality between Tang and his friends as he was found of a more serious crime and severe sentences. Although it reduced the cost and delay in the court system, it reduced the sentences for the other offenders as mentioned previously, which essentially affected the victims. By the third trial in 2004, he had suffered from depression and the victim’s family where extremely “ angry” and “exhausted”.  The court process affected The greater society was also effect by the court process as resources and time had unfairly been used, due to preventable court errors causing distrust in the justice system had been generated.

Furthermore, in regards to the Gordon Wood case, there has been a miscarriage of justice through the time taken for the case to be brought to court and the failure to concrete of a cause of death, justifying the ineffectiveness of the judicial system, especially for the victims. The court case took twelve years for any sort of progress to be made regarding the case, at the end of these twelve years Wood was trialed and convicted. However, during those twelve years the case was treated as a suicide, with a coronial inquest in 1997 and an open finding in 1998 before any evidence could substantiate a conviction for the accused. There were three separate court cases regarding Wood, the first two (R v Wood [2008] NSWSC 817, 6 August 2008 & R v Wood [2008] NSWSC 1273, 4 December 2008) were his trials and eventual conviction, lasting just over three months combined. The final case (Wood v R [2012] NSWCCA 21, 24 February 2012) consisted of Wood appealing his conviction to be acquitted, taking approximately nine months to achieve. Yet, after fifteen years of court cases and inquests, the question of Ms. Byrne’s death has not been finalised, leaving the family with emotional distress from fighting in the legal dispute. This evidences that the legal system fails to support the victims yet again. I want to suggest after reading this paragraph that you cut back on explanations of the case circumstances. Focus on your evaluation/analysis, you do not need to describe the case in full detail in an essay written for an exam.

Moreover, the criminal justice system failed to be effective in the criminal sentencing process impacting all in a negative light. This is justified through the R v Choi Rai Tang case where Tang through all 3 trials was found guilty by jury of the murder of David Laxalle and was sentenced to imprisonment for 15 years, with a non-parole period (minimum) of 11 years.  Before passing the sentence the judge made a comment that he felt “Tang’s spontaneous reaction to protect his younger friends, and while that explained his actions, it certainly did not justify them.” He felt that Tang did not intend to kill Mr. Laxale, but had nevertheless intended to cause him very serious harm. ( Actus rea). Jean- Pierre Laxale was outraged with the sentences stating that “Judges gave no consideration to victims or their families when making decisions. You can serve more time in prison for fraud then for murder- that doesn’t add up”. ( ABC Archives Transcript). However in July 2004, a jury acquitted Tang and he walked free after an appeal to allow the jury to hear evidence by a witness. This case, at the time, did not reflect community standards.  Clearly four people were involved in the murder of the victim, the 3 boys were accomplices in the stabbing and evidence proved that one other boy apart from Tang was in possession of a knife. As such the community were in outcry at the prospect of only one person taking the fall for the crime and continually supported Tang.  Explicitly explored, justice was not served as all of the accused were acquitted, a situation that could have been avoided if the justice system was effective.

This deficiency of the criminal sentencing process is further evidenced in the R v Wood case by Ground 6 which breaches the Legal Profession Act 1987 – Rules that states in section 64. “A prosecutor must not, by language or other conduct, seek to inflame or bias the court against the accused.” Wood’s appeal challenged that the prosecutor – Mr. Tedeschi had “advantaged motives for the applicant to kill Ms. Byrne” (lawlink.nsw.gov.au) and had used “pure speculation and emotion to get a conviction” (SMH – Wood Will Miss Crucial Day in Court) [2011]. Responding to this claim, Justice Latham declared “that in asking the jury 50 questions in his closing address, Mr. Tedeschi had asked them to draw inferences not available from the actual evidence presented, which would constitute a fundamental problem'' in the sentencing of the case.  Society was also deeply affected concerning the collapse of justice for the accused which was manifested in the emotional trauma and negative public opinion caused to Wood. In a short interview documented in the Daily Telegraph “When asked how he felt being a free man for the past 16 days, he said: “I can’t go there, it’s too raw for me at the moment” details the emotional and physical struggles suffered by Wood to adjusting to life as a free man. This violates the law’s duty to provide just outcomes, including protection of those involved from emotional distress. Additionally, the greatest miscarriage of justice can be attributed to Wood’s three years and three months false imprisonment, leading Wood to pursue a $1 million compensation case due to his life in London being taken away from him, causing him to start his life from scratch. (News.com.au) – “Gordon Wood likely to seek compensation over his acquittal”) [2012]. This instance in the Gordon Wood case strengthens the ineffectiveness of the law in constituting a balance of rights and resultantly evinces the failure of the legal system in providing justice to high profile cases, especially the accused.

Conclusively, from the assessment above, it can be deduced that the judicial system is ineffective in providing just outcomes for the offender, victim and society as illustrated through the R V Chio Rai Tang and Gordon Wood case in which all aspects of the criminal justice system: the investigation, trial and sentencing failed to perform exorbitantly.

My comments throughout the essay are quite limited because, quite frankly, it is a bloody brilliant essay. Well written, good content, and a fairly clear argument throughout. A few points I would raise as more general feedback rather than being in response to specific parts of the essay:


Besides this, I will also issue a word of caution. You are focusing on two cases, which greatly restricts the amount of "ammunition" you have to answer a question. This essay is hitting the mark with analysis, it is detailed, but it is quite narrow in scope. This means it won't be easily adaptable to other questions. You may want to prepare a more general response which focuses on the Processes as a whole, rather than just their role in these individual cases.

That being said, this is an absolutely brilliant piece of work. Well done!  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: gabriellav on February 21, 2016, 04:24:28 pm
 Thank you so much for you feedback Jamon, I will defiantly take them on board!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on February 22, 2016, 01:10:18 pm
Quote from: gabriellav on February 21, 2016, 10:05:38 am
Hi, I would love to receive feedback regarding this essay. I would love to know how I could further improve it so that it is of high quality yet is able to be written under examination time!!!
Thank you

This essay will prepare you very well for a lot of sections of the syllabus that you could be asked about in exam. You've really set yourself up for success in this essay - great job!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: chuckiecheese on March 05, 2016, 08:15:21 pm
Hey guys,

I have my half yearly's coming up (a week, freaking), and my teacher set us this question on Juries. So, I have a feeling it may be on the exam, possibly. So, right now I'm trying to slam the question as best as I can.

For one thing, the media reports that I use throughout are slightly old but they're really the best ones I could find, so does that make my point irrelevant?

Any critiques of yours would be great.

Cheers
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 06, 2016, 01:35:50 pm
Quote from: chuckiecheese on March 05, 2016, 08:15:21 pm
Hey guys,

I have my half yearly's coming up (a week, freaking), and my teacher set us this question on Juries. So, I have a feeling it may be on the exam, possibly. So, right now I'm trying to slam the question as best as I can.

For one thing, the media reports that I use throughout are slightly old but they're really the best ones I could find, so does that make my point irrelevant?

Any critiques of yours would be great.

Cheers

Hey chuckiecheese! I've attached your essay below with some helpful comments.

Spoiler
To What Extent Does the Jury System Achieve Justice?

The extent to which the current scheme regarding juries in the criminal justice system achieves justice is contentious. Good start, though I think a definition of what justice is, and why it is vital for in a judicial scenario, would add a little more sophistication than just flat responding to the question. Personal preference! Whilst Juries enshrine the values of the community, by their nature this may limit justice for the offender, as they may not necessarily have working understanding of the NSW criminal justice system. Be careful here, your Thesis/intro should not delve too far into arguments themselves. It's on the knife edge of too much too soon. Moreover, the community is often heavily influenced by the media, and, as a result, juries may be fallible to externally imposed preconceptions of a case, limiting justice for the parties in turn. Similarly, reform to the nature of jury verdicts may similarly compromise the outcomes of a case due to implications on the standard of proof, thus reducing the ability of juries to achieve justice. Good intro, but as aforementioned, perhaps delving into the arguments too much. These sentences should form the start of your body paragraphs. Further, you should try to finish your intro with something linking to the question again. Ties everything together a little nicer.

The extent to which juries understand the criminal justice system may limit justice for the offender. Lovely, but you put it better in your intro. As juries are a random selection of the population, they may not necessarily understand the legal system. This can thus lead to unequal outcomes for the victim and the offender. A NSW Bureau of Crime Statistics Report from 2008 found that only roughly 22% jury members were able to correctly define ‘beyond reasonable doubt’.This is a fantastic statistic! Moreover, Former DPP Nicholas Cowdery in SMH 23/11/13 stated that judge only trials were in fact more effective in cases that involved ‘technical’ legal issues, as they were ‘less impressed by facts of the offense’. It is arguable, however, that juries may be more effective as a judge may favour the offender in fear of an acquittal. Explain this point a little bit more.  In the same article it was also reported that 55.4% of these judge only trials led to an acquittal, compared to 29% in trials involving a jury. Thus, the limited knowledge of juries in some cases strikes a blow to their ability to achieve justice.Wonderfully argued with good evidence, nicely done here!

The influence of the media on juries can undermine their ability to achieve justice. The media in many cases has enormous powers to create substansial public interest in a case, however this can limit the effectiveness of juries as the community is often fallible to sensational coverage. Media influence in the case of DPP v Gittany caused Simon Gittany to choose to have his case heard without a jury, as he believed the opinion of the public to be skewed. Use words like, the offender, the prosecutor, the judge, etc, rather than names. As such, media influence caused Gittany to concede the fundamental right to be judged by peers removed the possibility for the reflection of society’s values, and meant Gittany nor the DPP could not appeal a sentence on the basis that the judge gave misdirection. Good example, but your sentence structure was a little messy in that little chunk. Be sure it reads clearly. Moreover, media influence in the case of DPP v Loveridge was criticized by former DPP Nicholas Cowdery in SMH 10/11/13 who commented that  ‘shock jock’ media had perpetuated an incorrect police charge of murder, subsequently inciting exaggerated expectations for Loveridge’s sentence and led to community outrage following his sentence of 4 years. The fallibility of juries to a sometimes-aggressive media augments contention over their effectiveness. Again, nice points well argued!

Reform to the jury system through majority verdicts has created contention in the use of juries. This wording is a little messy, try to add some sophistication! Reform of the Jury Act 1977 (NSW) Section 55F occurred in order to provide protection from the threat of ‘rogue jurors’, partially in response to the recording of 42 hung juries per year in BOCSAR: 2002. You can only use the abbreviation if you have previously used the full wording. Also, try and use the amendment name and year when possible, though I like that you added the section! In a Stacklaw report Majority Verdicts, however, it was stated that ‘those who argue passionately for majority verdicts have misplaced confidence’ as defendants are ‘pitted against all sources of the community’; notably the mentality that ‘the police wouldn’t’ have charged him if he didn’t do it’. I'm a little unsure what you mean by this argument, I think it needs a little clearer explanation beyond the quotes. As such, the use of an 11:1 jury may compromise the English customary law concepts of the standard of proof and ultimately lead to higher conviction rates of innocents. Furthermore, the notional qualities of the reformed Jury Act conflict with the common law principle contained in Cheatle v The Queen, in which the High Court ruled that the constitutional right to a trial by jury (Constitution section 80) could only be held by a unanimous verdict. It is easy to be cynical about the benefits of eroding the standard of proof in such a way when Rhiannon: 2006 quoted the BOCSAR in finding that majority verdicts would only save 1.1% of court time. Such reforms augment the contention in the effectiveness of juries. I would say that this is the weakest paragraph (by a fraction). The argument isn't as cohesive, I had to read some sentences over a few times to follow your train of thought. Work on sentence structure and very clearly explain your arguments to the reader.

Thus, the extent to which juries provide just outcomes can be seen as contentious as juries may not understand the legal system and are fallible to media interest. Moreover, law reform eroding the standard of proof provides that juries have become increasingly limited in their ability to achieve justice. You need a stronger conclusion. Link to the question should be stronger. The conclusion should be of a similar structure to your Intro, that is, address the question, give what your argument was, list the points you made, conclude by directly linking to the question.


This is a really solid essay! I don't have much to say beyond the comments, a few little things I'd change, but this is bloody brilliant! Take a read and let me know if you have any queries. And in response to the media articles being 'old,' 2013 is still quite recent. Obviously the newer the article the better, but 2013 is totally cool!

Well done  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Beata.Lobo on March 19, 2016, 11:01:26 am
Hi there,

I have attached my essay, is there any way I can cut back my response? Is there any thing else I need to work on? Thanks.

Beata
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 19, 2016, 01:58:06 pm
Quote from: Beata.Lobo on March 19, 2016, 11:01:26 am
Hi there,

I have attached my essay, is there any way I can cut back my response? Is there any thing else I need to work on? Thanks.

Beata

Hey Beata! Thanks for posting. I've got your essay but since it is a little longer I want to give it the right time to have a good read, check back tomorrow for some feedback!!  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 20, 2016, 01:39:44 pm
Quote from: Beata.Lobo on March 19, 2016, 11:01:26 am
Hi there,

I have attached my essay, is there any way I can cut back my response? Is there any thing else I need to work on? Thanks.

Beata

Okay, here we go Beata! I tried to comment on the "importance" of each paragraph, perhaps give you some ideas where you can cut back. Here is your essay with some helpful comments throughout  :D

Spoiler

Assess the use of the adversary system as a means of achieving justice

In Australia, the adversarial system is meritoriously commendable as a means of achieving justice. The adversarial system is a legal system utilised in common law countries such as Australia, the United Kingdom, the United States and India whereby two advocates represent their parties' positions before an impartial person or group of people, usually a jury or judge, who attempt to impartially determine the truth of the denunciation of the accused. As a result of employing the adversary system, this legal system is occasionally criticised for failing to meet society’s needs and achieving justice for the victim, the accused and society. The alternative legal system other countries employ is the inquisitorial system. Unlike the adversarial system, the inquisitorial system is the legal system practiced by countries such as Germany, Italy and France that jurisdictionally authorises the court to be actively involved in determining the facts of the case and the conduct of the trial. Therefore, both the adversarial and inquisitorial systems beneficially, responsively and enforcedly intend on maintaining justice and upholding society’s needs. Good introduction! Try leading with something about justice. The focus of this question isn't actually on adversarial courts, it is on just outcomes, and you are just analysing how the adversarial system achieves this. I like the inclusion of the inquisitorial system, but make sure the focus remains on adversarial. Obviously, you cannot cut back this paragraph too much. Finally, be sure to list the topics of your body paragraphs in your introduction.

A paramount aspect in effectively utilising the adversarial system is the implementation of juries. Juries are sworn twelve lay members who are empanelled and are convened to render an impartial verdict, based on the evidence of the case presented by both the prosecution and the defence. The implementation of the jury system is addressed under Part 5 Section 26 of the Jury Act 2006 (New South Wales), the legislation states that ‘’ The sheriff must issue a summons to each person selected requiring the person to attend at the court or coronial inquest, at the place and at the time specified in the summons until discharged by the court or coroner’’, this law reinforces meeting society’s needs and the application of the rule of laws. You do not need to explain what a jury is. The marker knows. Direct all your words towards analysis and evaluation. In the ‘’A return to village life: internet bursts the bubble protecting juries’’ newspaper article, Justice McClellan states that only three percent of all criminal trials in New South Wales are conducted with a jury, this statistic alarmingly insinuates that the majority of criminal trials are not conducted with a jury and therefore, is not responsive, does not meet the protection of individual rights, society’s needs and confirms that justice has been achieved. Make sure you read over your essay to check that it is readable, this sentence was quite long and a little all over the place. Juries play a vital role in achieving justice for the offender, victim and society. A case that discloses the importance of juries is Regina v Bilal Skaf; Regina v Mohammed Skaf [2006] NSWSC 394 (28 July 2006), this case examines the Skaf brothers from Sydney, having gang raped several young women in Sydney in 2000. In one of the Skaf appeal cases the judicial officer ordered a retrial due to the fact that two jurors visited the crime scene to look at the lighting in the park at night. This case law insinuates the responsiveness, the application of the rule of law and whether justice has occurred or not. This analysis could be improved. Be specific, why has this affected the outcome of justice? Be sure that everything you talk about is eventually directed back to the topic.Advantageously, juries lawfully allow for impartiality, justice and the application concerning the rule of law as a means of achieving justice in the adversarial system.

The role of juries in the inquisitorial system is fairly effective as a means of achieving justice. Juries decide on the matter of fact, and sometimes on the matter of the law. While the jury will declare a verdict, the reasoning behind the verdict and the deliberation among jurors cannot be made public, this is known as jury secrecy. Hence the defence can appeal, theoretically speaking purely on procedural grounds, such as the failure of a prosecutor to disclose evidence or an error in the evidence revealed at the trial. However, the adversarial system uses juries to impartially and open-mindedly determine the verdict of the accused whilst strictly adhering to the Jury Act 1977 (New South Wales) and any other relevant legislation regarding the nature of the crime. Thus, the employ of juries in the inquisitorial system is somewhat effect in achieving justice for the victim, accused and society. You definitely do NOT need paragraphs specific to the inquisitorial system in your essay. This is where you can cut back, only use the inquisitorial system as a comparison to improve other arguments.

Another primary factor that contributes to the success of the means of achieving justice is the role of judges in the adversary system. Judges deliver points on the rule of application of law and instruct the jury to deliver the verdict of guilty or not-guilty, based on the Latin concept ‘’In Dubio pro reo’’, based on the legal principle of presumption of innocence. In the adversarial system, the judge’s role is to: make sure the parties are treated fairly, create more confidence because he/ she is an independent decision-maker and is independent of the prosecution in criminal cases or the parties in civil cases. Disadvantageously, the judge cannot offer the parties assistance. This could be a waste of the judge’s experience if some parties are poorly represented. The newspaper article ‘’ Australia’s most severe penalty that only a handful of prisoners receive’’ conveys the alarm insinuating that offenders receiving life sentences with non-parole periods are impossible to be given a release date, depending on the nature of the crime. In the newspaper article, ‘’news.com.au understands here are less than 15 of the approximate 1019 prisoners currently serving life sentences in Australia who have had the penalty imposed on them’’, therefore enforceability, responsiveness, protecting individual rights, meeting society’s needs, applying the rule of law and determining whether or not just has been achieved is conveyed in this newspaper article. Rather than simply list the legal themes, try exploring just one of them in depth. Explain what you have determined about the jury system from the article. Why is it responsive/unresponsive? Why is it enforceable/not enforceable? Under Section 43B of the Judicial Officers Act 1986 (New South Wales), a judicial officer is ‘’ A Judge or associate Judge of the Supreme Court, a member (including a judicial member) of the Industrial Relations Commission, a Judge of the Land and Environment Court, a Judge of the District Court, the President of the Children’s Court, a Magistrate, or the President of the Civil and Administrative Tribunal’’, and Section 77 of the Commonwealth of Australia Constitution Act 1901 (Commonwealth), ‘’Power to define jurisdiction -With respect to any of the matters mentioned in the last two sections the Parliament may make laws: defining the jurisdiction of any federal court other than the High Court; defining the extent to which the jurisdiction of any federal court shall be exclusive of that which belongs to or is invested in the courts of the States; investing any court of a State with federal jurisdiction’’, both of these Acts ensure the application of the rule of law, ensuring that no one is above the law. Accordingly, the role of judges in the adversarial system is essential in establishing the use of the adversary system as a means of achieving justice.  Your conclusive sentences are strong, but your analysis has not achieved this outcome in the paragraph. You haven't, for me, proved that judges are effective in achieving justice?
The role of the judge in the inquisitorial system is imperative in the success of the legal system as means of achieving justice. Judges are required to direct the courtroom debate and to come to a final decision. The judge assumes the role of principal interrogator of witnesses and the defendant, and is under an obligation to take evidence until he or she ascertains the truth. It is the judge that carries out most of the examination of witnesses, arising from their obligation to inquire into the charges and to evaluate all relevant evidence in reaching their decision.  However, it is now accepted that the defence should have the right to confront each witness during at least one stage in the proceedings. Therefore, the role of the judge in the inquisitorial system is imperative in the success of the legal system as means of achieving justice.Same thing, this paragraph does not relate to the question and so is unnecessary
The role of parties and legal representation plays a vital function in the success of the adversarial system as a means of achieving justice.  Parties in a criminal court case are the prosecution and the defence. In New South Wales, there are no firm figures across all NSW courts, in 2008, 39.48% of parties in the New South Wales Local Court had no legal representation’’, this reveals that not every accused is financially able to have legal representation, therefore is not resource efficient, accessible, does not protect individual rights, fails to meet society’s needs and is unable to apply the rule of law and certainly does not attain justice.This is a little closer, but again, listing legal themes does not constitute powerful analysis. You are much better of saying "The fact that only 39.48% of parties in NSW local courts had legal representation (BOCSAR) is an obvious testament to its inaccessibility, and thus evidence of a failure to achieve just outcomes for offenders." Then even add other sentences. But don't just list, it isn't as effective.   In the adversarial system, parties are responsible for gathering witnesses and building a case for the State and the accused, respectively. Legal representation in court is paramount to the success of the prosecution or the State or the defence. In the adversarial system, each party has a right to choose a legal representative. In this way they can choose someone they believe will present their case in the best light. Whereas, the adversary system relies on both sides being equally represented so the truth can come out. One party to a case may not be able to afford legal representation, or may have inferior legal representation. The Dietrich v The Queen (1992) 177 CLR 292 case initially established a limited right to legal representation in Australia. Therefore limitedly meeting the protection of individuals’ rights and failing to provide justice where defendants come from a low or poor socioeconomic status.Good! So, the role of parties and legal representation in the adversary system is successful as a means of achieving justice.
In the inquisitorial system, the implementing of parties and legal representation is diminishable and therefore, unessential in a court proceeding. Parties to a court case do not play a significant role in court proceedings, as they are not in control of their case. The parties are able to: fight their own battle, engage legal representation to present their case in the best possible light, decide what facts are to be brought before the court. However, party control can lead to: further animosity, high cost of legal representation and delays that cause hardship. As a result of the increased role of the judge, legal representation regularly plays a minor role in court proceedings. Legal representation may reduce the judge’s burden, to ascertain the truth. They can also question witnesses and address court in assisting the judge to discover the truth. Parties and legal representation do not play an important role in the inquisitorial system and so, are not responsive, do not meet society’s views and fail to accomplish the achievement of justice. Therefore, the role of parties and legal representation play a diminishing role in the effectiveness of the inquisitorial system as a means of achieving justice. See above

The rules of evidence and procedure is crucial to the success and effectiveness of the adversarial system. Evidence that is perceived to be prejudiced or impartial is inadmissible. The Em v Regina [2006] NSWCCA 336 case insinuates the evidence presented was inadmissible and was collected off-the-record. As a result of the collection of audio recordings and it became inadmissible, the judge upheld the appeal and ordered that the order made by Shaw J rejecting the evidence of the conversation of 15 May 2001 be vacated. This case law, integrated with Section 137 of the Evidence Act 1995 (New South Wales), disclosed that the unlawful collection of evidence is inadmissible and therefore useless in the acquittal or sanctifying of the accused. This case law and Act is useful in the application of the rule of law and determines whether or not justice is achieved.Is justice achieved, or not? Be definite with your analysis! Thus, the rules of evidence and procedure contributes to the success of the adversarial system as a means of achieving justice.

In the inquisitorial system the use of evidence and procedure is somewhat effective as a means of achieving justice. Rules of evidence and procedure make the process fair: oral evidence helps reveal if the witness is sincere, the process of examination-in-chief and cross-examination allows both parties to present their cases and test the evidence of the other party all parties are treated alike some types of evidence are not permitted. This is to protect the parties and in the interests of justice. However, problems could arise from the following: witnesses may be intimidated and say something misleading, witnesses can only respond to questions and cannot tell their own stories in their own words, expert evidence could be unduly relied upon, not all evidence may be brought out and the truth may not be reached. The rules around admissibility of evidence are significantly more lenient.  The absence of juries in many cases alleviates the need for many formal rules of evidence.  More evidence is likely to be admitted, regardless of its reliability or prejudicial effect.  Evidence is admitted if the judge decides it is relevant. In many inquisitorial systems, there is no hearsay rule for example, France, Belgium and Germany. It is up to the Judge to decide the value of such testimony. As the judge is the most active member in an inquisitorial court, the judge uses evidence to determine the facts of the case and the verdict of the case, either guilty or not guilty. Hence, the use of evidence and procedure attributes to the means of achieving justice in the inquisitorial system. See above

In the adversarial system, the process of the criminal trial is key to the success of the defendant being acquitted or sanctified. Rules of evidence and procedure are strict in the adversary system. The criminal trial is when all of the facts of the case are heard and a judge and/or jury determine a verdict of guilty or not guilty. It is designed to resolve accusations usually by the government, the Crown or Regina against an accused, the defendant and thus, is used to ensure that the trial is unprejudiced and dispassionate and that both parties have an equal opportunity to present their case. In the adversarial system, some rules of evidence are that only certain types of evidence are admissible, and others are inadmissible: only relevant and reliable evidence is allowed; this can come in the form of oral, documentary or expert evidence; inadmissible evidence includes hearsay evidence, and evidence that has been obtained unlawfully; these rules ensure that parties are treated fairly. Some rules of procedure include a hearing is to be single and continuous; questioning stages are organised strictly and delays will occur but are ideally minimised. Consequently, the employ of rules of evidence and procedure is essential in the success of the adversarial system as a means of achieving justice. This paragraph does not contain an analysis, and this stems from the fact that it contains no LCMTR. What you have instead is an explanation of the rules of evidence, which is not what the question wants, it wants a judgement!

In the inquisitorial system, the process of the criminal trial somehow leads to the success of this legal system. There is a reduced emphasis on austere rules of evidence and procedure compared to the adversary system due to the emphasis on the truth. What constitutes admissible or inadmissible evidence is versatile, depending on the evidence presented. For example, hearsay evidence can be acceptable, there is greater dependency on written evidence and witnesses can tell their accounts incessantly without interruptions. The process of the criminal trial is somewhat important in the function of the inquisitorial system. Accordingly, the process of the criminal trial is not emphasised in the functioning of the inquisitorial system as a means of achieving justice. See above

The adversarial system is highly commendable as a means of achieving justice. Implementing the adversarial system is more advantageous and effectual than the implementation of the inquisitorial system. Whilst both legal systems work similarly, the adversarial system works more effectively because of the protection of the accused, victim and society’s needs are more protected is formally conduct, comparative to the informal, inquisitorial system. This is a solid conclusion!


This is a solid start of an essay, definitely filled with content knowledge! You've clearly done your research  ;D

I see two issues with this essay, the first of which is the depth of analysis. You absolutely MUST focus on making judgements about the topic at hand. Explanations of legal concepts are unnecessary (your hand will thank me in an exam situation!). Further, the analysis you did have was a little superficial. Instead of listing 5-6 legal themes per point, try focusing on one and explaining in detail. Why is the law/case evidence of effectiveness/responsiveness/etc, and thus, how does it achieve just outcomes? Quality over quantity  :D

Second, and this will help your length cut down, the essay gives far too much time to the inquisitorial system. This was not asked in the question you provided, and thus, would not be considered relevant to a marker. I LOVE that you want to make comparisons between the two, but you can do this in a single paragraph, just referencing the inquisitorial system to back up other arguments. Devoting whole paragraphs is a little excessive for this question.

So, to improve this essay, try focusing on making judgements about the different areas you are discussing, rather than just explaining how they work. This is an assess question, the markers want to know what you think  ;D

Besides that, you clearly have a wealth of content knowledge to draw on. This is a great start!

Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Booboo123 on March 23, 2016, 10:14:33 am
Hello , I was wondering if it's alright if you mark my lockout essay? 
I'm not sure if I'm answering the question properly and it's not finished yet.
Cheers. :)
Assess the effectiveness of New South Wales’ On Punch legislation and lock out laws on reducing alcohol fuelled assaults

As the controversial concern for the vision of Sydney’s vibrant nightlife increases, the need for reducing alcohol fuelled assaults become more important, as it’s a main factor in protecting society from harm. However, the input of media and community outcry of two atrocious deaths in Sydney CBD, resulted in a ‘rush’ of NSW’s one punch legislation and lockouts laws, have become somewhat ineffective as not enough measures are taken to ensure the needs are met for the community.

On 21 January 2014, the government introduced a range of new measures to tackle drug and alcohol related violence and over the course of two years the amendment has stirred a society backlash on the ineffectiveness of dealing with alcohol fuelled assaults. Prior to all the backlash, there was already a controversial debate on whether the introduction of lockout laws are effective. This is clearly demonstrated in the media article “Crimes and Other Legislation Amendment (Assault and intoxication) Bill 2014 and Liquor Amendment Bill 2014.” During the reading of the bill Hon. Michael Gallacher has announced that ‘more needs to be done to improve the safety and amenity of the Sydney central business district’ particularly during night time and to cover those safety issues. One of those ideas to deal with these measures were the Government’s tough and comprehensive package. The package is practically a policy designed to address the escalating problem of alcohol-related violence and coward punch attacks in Sydney CBD, and one of those points in the package is the precinct-wide freeze on liquor licences for new pubs and clubs which now refers to the Liquor Amendment Act 2014.

The core of the Liquor Amendment Bill relies on the imposition of lockouts and last drinks in the expanded CBD and any other area that the regulations subsequently specify it’s the underlying ideology of the bill is that since it worked in Newcastle it will work in Sydney. It’s the assumption that since the introduction of lockouts and last drinks reduced violence in Newcastle it will also have the same result in Sydney. The assumption of this is by far contradicting as today the enforcement of the Liquor Amendment Act 2014 imposes restrictions on the lifestyle choices of people who want to be entertained while at the same time would like to have a drink at 3.00am. It can be argued that there’s an undeniable impact on the night time economy, where businesses are being penalised whom they had nothing to do with the recent violence. In a sense thousands of people will no longer want to stay in licensed premises past 3am once alcohol is no longer served but instead will try to go home while being out in the street intoxicated. Especially when 3am is the time for taxi changeover, more people will be more upfront to start a fight as less transport is available and this is a problem the government needs to address. It does not stop alcohol fuelled violence at that time but instead it increases the likelihood of violence during the 3-5am period.
Yet, what’s the point of a 3am lockout if there’s a casino that can stay open and trading all night?

The fact that the casino’s boss announce that the Sydney’s Star Casino is ‘one of the safest venues in the world’ means that it should not be part of the lockout laws is quite confronting, as crime figures has demonstrated that the Pyrmont venue is one of the most if not dangerous in the state. This can be seen in the Sydney Morning Herald article “The Star doesn’t need Sydney’s lockout laws, says casino boss.”  The Star casino continues to enjoy exemption from the late-night laws which enforce 1.30 am lockouts and 3am last drinks, which his claim contradicts that of the Bureau of Crime Statistics and Research which demonstrated that during the last 2 years, alcohol related assaults has risen by 46 per cent, an average of 6.3 assaults per month. This associates to 75 assaults, which is three times as much as the central Sydney nightclub Ivy, which was named as the state’s most violent area in 2014. It’s this that the lockout laws are ineffective as people who often visited the Sydney’s CBD area will just head to other areas that are exempted from these laws that is deemed entertaining while at the same time be able to have drinks, and the result of this has led to a quite significant increase of alcohol-fuelled violence in Pyrmont. The legislation should not only be used in just the Sydney CBD district but be implemented right across the State, preventing people moving to other pubs, however it’s unlikely that will happen especially to the Star’s casino, due to the fact that it revenues large sums of money which in turn is given to the government. Hence the lockout laws are quite ineffective, as restricting the alcohol availability would make people be more eager to get drunk whilst at home or force them to move to another area increasing the trend of assault in the area.

On the other hand, the lockout laws have curbed alcohol related violence since their imposition but only in areas that have been potentially been known as a threat to society safety. This is clearly conveyed in The Age’s article “Why all Sydneysiders should be grateful for the lockout”, where a study has released that in Newcastle, the sixth biggest city in Australia, demonstrated that the city struggled with high levels of alcohol-fuelled violence for a number of years, until in 2008, the city decided to reduce the alcohol-related violence measures must be implemented and this was to stop selling alcohol in a small area of the city after 3am instead of the previous 5am. This modest two-hour decrease in the availability of alcohol is effective as it has reduced alcohol-related violence in Newcastle since March 2008 by more than 50 per cent. This new impact has later increased the number of smaller bars and licensed restaurants as a means of adapting to the new lockout laws and now Newcastle’s nightlife is much safer, diverse and prosperous. This can be further reinforced as according to the NSW Bureau of Crime Statistics and Research (BOSCAR), assaults declined more than 40 per cent in Kings Cross and 20 per cent in Sydney’s CBD after the alcohol availability was restricted in February 2014. The cities experience of reduced trading hours and availability reflects that of international cities such as Los Angeles and San Francisco, as well as progressive countries such as Norway and the Netherlands. The data is clear that effective and modest earlier last-drink measures and a safer and vibrant nightlife with plenty of jobs can comfortably co-exist. 
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 23, 2016, 10:55:54 pm
Quote from: Booboo123 on March 23, 2016, 10:14:33 am
Hello , I was wondering if it's alright if you mark my lockout essay? 
I'm not sure if I'm answering the question properly and it's not finished yet.
Cheers. :)
Hey Booboo123! Sure thing, I've popped your essay below with some feedback!

Spoiler
Assess the effectiveness of New South Wales’ On Punch legislation and lock out laws on reducing alcohol fuelled assaults

As the controversial concern for the vision of Sydney’s vibrant nightlife increases, the need for reducing alcohol fuelled assaults become more important, as it’s a main factor in protecting society from harm. However, the input of media and community outcry of two atrocious deaths in Sydney CBD, resulted in a ‘rush’ of NSW’s one punch legislation and lockouts laws, have become somewhat ineffective as not enough measures are taken to ensure the needs are met for the community. I love the arguments you are making in this introduction! I think you should list what your body paragraphs are about, and also, maybe define what you view as "successful" legislation... Is it fair? Enforceable? Communally popular? Etc

On 21 January 2014, the government introduced a range of new measures to tackle drug and alcohol related violence and over the course of two years the amendment has stirred a society backlash on the ineffectiveness of dealing with alcohol fuelled assaults. I think you need a topic sentence that sets the stage a little better. If this paragraph sets up the history of the legislation, say this a little more clearly.Prior to all the backlash, there was already a controversial debate on whether the introduction of lockout laws are effective. Watch your tense here, you swap from past to present. This is clearly demonstrated in the media article “Crimes and Other Legislation Amendment (Assault and intoxication) Bill 2014 and Liquor Amendment Bill 2014.” Rather than reference a media article like this, you would have been better off using the laws themselves!During the reading of the bill Hon. Michael Gallacher has announced that ‘more needs to be done to improve the safety and amenity of the Sydney central business district’ particularly during night time and to cover those safety issues. One of those ideas to deal with these measures were the Government’s tough and comprehensive package. The package is practically a policy designed to address the escalating problem of alcohol-related violence and coward punch attacks in Sydney CBD, and one of those points in the package is the precinct-wide freeze on liquor licences for new pubs and clubs which now refers to the Liquor Amendment Act 2014. I also think you need a conclusion. "Therefore, BLAH" or "Thus it can be seen that BLAH". Just something a little more conclusive/final.

The core of the Liquor Amendment Bill relies on the imposition of lockouts and last drinks in the expanded CBD and any other area that the regulations subsequently specify it’s the underlying ideology of the bill is that since it worked in Newcastle it will work in Sydney.Check your syntax here! It’s the assumption that since the introduction of lockouts and last drinks reduced violence in Newcastle it will also have the same result in Sydney. The assumption of this is by far contradicting as today the enforcement of the Liquor Amendment Act 2014 imposes restrictions on the lifestyle choices of people who want to be entertained while at the same time would like to have a drink at 3.00am. It can be argued that there’s an undeniable impact on the night time economy, where businesses are being penalised whom they had nothing to do with the recent violence. In a sense thousands of people will no longer want to stay in licensed premises past 3am once alcohol is no longer served but instead will try to go home while being out in the street intoxicated. Especially when 3am is the time for taxi changeover, more people will be more upfront to start a fight as less transport is available and this is a problem the government needs to address. It does not stop alcohol fuelled violence at that time but instead it increases the likelihood of violence during the 3-5am period. This is lots of awesome opinion here, I love it! But you aren't backing anything up with evidence. This is the difference between an academic essay and an opinion piece: Evidence. Cases, laws, media articles. Try to come up with some of these things which support your argument!

Yet, what’s the point of a 3am lockout if there’s a casino that can stay open and trading all night?

The fact that the casino’s boss announce that the Sydney’s Star Casino is ‘one of the safest venues in the world’ means that it should not be part of the lockout laws is quite confronting, as crime figures has demonstrated that the Pyrmont venue is one of the most if not dangerous in the state. This can be seen in the Sydney Morning Herald article “The Star doesn’t need Sydney’s lockout laws, says casino boss.”  The Star casino continues to enjoy exemption from the late-night laws which enforce 1.30 am lockouts and 3am last drinks, which his claim contradicts that of the Bureau of Crime Statistics and Research which demonstrated that during the last 2 years, alcohol related assaults has risen by 46 per cent, an average of 6.3 assaults per month. This associates to 75 assaults, which is three times as much as the central Sydney nightclub Ivy, which was named as the state’s most violent area in 2014. It’s this that the lockout laws are ineffective as people who often visited the Sydney’s CBD area will just head to other areas that are exempted from these laws that is deemed entertaining while at the same time be able to have drinks, and the result of this has led to a quite significant increase of alcohol-fuelled violence in Pyrmont. This is what I needed above, statistics! Fabulous! The legislation should not only be used in just the Sydney CBD district but be implemented right across the State, preventing people moving to other pubs, however it’s unlikely that will happen especially to the Star’s casino, due to the fact that it revenues large sums of money which in turn is given to the government. Hence the lockout laws are quite ineffective, as restricting the alcohol availability would make people be more eager to get drunk whilst at home or force them to move to another area increasing the trend of assault in the area.Although I love the arguments you are making with reference to the casinos and governments, try to keep this essay objective. The tone is a little too emotive, in my opinion.

On the other hand, the lockout laws have curbed alcohol related violence since their imposition but only in areas that have been potentially been known as a threat to society safety. This, for example, is a better topic sentence! This is clearly conveyed in The Age’s article “Why all Sydneysiders should be grateful for the lockout”, where a study has released that in Newcastle, the sixth biggest city in Australia, demonstrated that the city struggled with high levels of alcohol-fuelled violence for a number of years, until in 2008, the city decided to reduce the alcohol-related violence measures must be implemented and this was to stop selling alcohol in a small area of the city after 3am instead of the previous 5am. This modest two-hour decrease in the availability of alcohol is effective as it has reduced alcohol-related violence in Newcastle since March 2008 by more than 50 per cent. This new impact has later increased the number of smaller bars and licensed restaurants as a means of adapting to the new lockout laws and now Newcastle’s nightlife is much safer, diverse and prosperous. This can be further reinforced as according to the NSW Bureau of Crime Statistics and Research (BOSCAR), assaults declined more than 40 per cent in Kings Cross and 20 per cent in Sydney’s CBD after the alcohol availability was restricted in February 2014. The cities experience of reduced trading hours and availability reflects that of international cities such as Los Angeles and San Francisco, as well as progressive countries such as Norway and the Netherlands. The data is clear that effective and modest earlier last-drink measures and a safer and vibrant nightlife with plenty of jobs can comfortably co-exist. This last paragraph was a little more on the money for me! Stats mixed with your arguments makes everything a little more sophisticated, I'd still like to see some laws/cases though, and check your sentence structure in some areas!

Missing a conclusion too (though I know you aren't done yet), try adding a summary of your essay! What have you discussed, what is your final judgement?

What I love about this essay is that you SMASH the opinion part of it. Your opinions are clear and fairly well organised too, awesome! You use statistics really well also.

My main point for improvement at the moment for you would be to work on inclusion of LCTMR (Laws, Cases, Treaties, Media, Reports). These are what backs up your argument, turns it from an opinion text to an academic text. You NEED these to make your points properly. Right now, you are doing Media and Reports (Stats) really, really well. Try to incorporate some more legislation in there (especially since the focus of this question is on legislation, you should be able to discuss the laws in depth). You should also be able to find some cases, R v Loveridge (2013) would be a good start!  ;D

The hard part of your essay is done, you have the opinion! While there are also some structural issues and other minor things to fix, getting some more LCTMR evidence will get this essay really flowing well!

In terms of your specific concern about answering the question: I think you are definitely on the way to assessing (providing judgement), but perhaps you need to focus on the laws themselves a little more? In general, it is great, but maybe a little more detail is required to make it amazing. This will come naturally from including more evidence.

Great work Booboo123, thanks for posting, and I hope this feedback helps!  ;D


Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 17, 2016, 06:04:24 pm
hello I was wondering if I could have essay marked :)
I was quite confused how to do this essay so all comments are appreciated
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 18, 2016, 12:27:47 am
Quote from: anotherworld2b on May 17, 2016, 06:04:24 pm
hello I was wondering if I could have essay marked :)
I was quite confused how to do this essay so all comments are appreciated

Hey there another world!! Absolutely, I've attached the essay below with comments throughout!  ;D

Question: Assess the effectiveness of common law and the similarities and differences between statue and common law.

Spoiler
Law controls matters of human activity and regulates our lives. There are two sources of law that exist within our community. These two sources of law are the statute laws of Commonwealth and state parliaments and the common law principles, applied through precedent, of our federal and state courts in Australia. Common law is defined as law that is based on previous judgments of the courts that are known as precedents. I actually feel like that sentence is enough of a definition of the two laws! Your legal teacher knows what they are after all, the focus for Legal essays should always be analysis and evaluation. We don't need long descriptions of concepts, your reader knows it all already (though this question will probably require more content than most other essays). Statutory laws are written laws passed by legislature and government of a country. This essay will assess the effectiveness of common law and the similarities and differences between statute and common law by taking into consideration the fulfillment of the functions of law. This is a matter of preference, but I'm not a large fan of referring to the essay in this manner. Addressing the question so directly is a little bit off-putting I think, do what you feel. However, what I would recommend is making some sort of judgement here. Is common law effective or not? Make your opinion clear now ready to back up later. Finally, I'd like you to list the things you will be discussing in the essay paragraphs, this is an essential structural feature for a HSC essay.

Common law and statute law share distinct similarities that include the ideal of the fulfillment of the functions of law in Australian society. Try to integrate some statement about the effectiveness of common law into all of your topic sentences! Make the focus on your evaluation, the essay becomes more sophisticated that way. Some key similarities that are shared between the two sources of law are that both are subject to the rule of law and the fact that both have to submit to the constitution. The requirement of the two sources of law abiding to the Australian Constitution is of utmost importance because the Constitution is the set of basic law that provides rights for all Australians, such as freedom of religion and the right to compensation if the government acquires your property by which our nation is governed. It is important to the nation that the functions of the law are fulfilled in our society. Collectively, the law should fulfill particular functions whether they are common or statute law. Both statute and common law are binding on the Australian people. I personally believe, even for this question, this is too much content description without evaluating the effectiveness of common law. This is the focus of the question. So, try to integrate your evaluation of common law WHILE comparing and contrasting it to statute law. These functions include providing a structure for the creation, enforcement and alteration of law in accordance with wishes of society which is reflected in the Australian Parliament's response by passing the ‘Native TItle Act’ (1993) by the Keating government followed by the Howard government later passed the ‘Native Title Amendment Act (1998)’.Good example! This particular event in Australian history finally acknowledged the ancient values held by the Indigenous Australians in the community by overturning of the term ‘terra nullius’ and the use of the previous precedent of the Gove Land Rights Case (1971). This particular event is reflective of how Common law and statute law both are used to enforce and alter law in accordance with the wishes of the community which is evident the creation of a new precedent principle by courts and new Act made by Parliament. Hence, common and state law evidently share distinct similarities. This paragraph covers the similarities and differences well, but I'm not getting evaluation yet.

Common law and statute law have distinct differences. Statute law is made by parliament, whereas common law is made by courts. One difference is that statute law has parliamentary sovereignty over common law. This means that statute law will overrule common law in cases where they clash.What effect does this have on the effect of common law? In Australia the laws made by our parliaments have sovereignty over all other laws, in particular common law. This means that the parliament can either enact statutes that endorse common law principles articulated by the courts and apply them to cases. Can parliaments apply statutes to cases? Parliament can also allow common law to govern certain aspects of society and pass statues complementing or partially regulating areas of common law. So are you saying common law works best in conjunction with statute law? However, parliament can also enact statutes overturning common law principles on the basis that they do not adequately or accurately reflect the values of society. Make sure every paragraph is concluded appropriately! 

The effectiveness of common law is reflected in the fact that it has been the basis of workable legal tradition for many centuries. Oh okay, now I see what you've done structurally, I do think this would work better integrated through the essay though! It has several advantages that includes the requirement that courts follow precedent means that similar cases are treated alike and this creates fairness in the legal system. Do you have any examples. This would be a great time for a case (I know there is one below, but this is a perfect place for one!) Another advantages Legal advisers can provide reliable advice to clients by referring to precedents set in previous cases. Another advantage is the ability of superior courts to create new precedents allows the law to adjust to changed circumstances (all change does not need to come from statute). Is statute slower? Less enforceable? What specifically are you driving at here? Common law also creates a basis for unbiased decisions which are based on legal expertise rather than opinion. One particular case in which the effectiveness of common law is evident is the the 'Snail in the bottle' case which illustrates how common law can be modified and develop legal principles that can be applied to the modern world. This particular case demonstrates how precedents can be changed according to a particular case that the adjudicator oversees. GOod thing? Bad thing? These advantages of common law reflect the the importance of functions of law such as providing a structure for the creation, enforcement and alteration of the law in accordance with the wishes of society and containing a degree of flexibility in its application to cover the various situations that may arise in its enforcement. Hence, the effectiveness of common law is reflected and supported by the clear advantages and the fulfillment of the functions of law.

Statute and common law are the two sources of law which coexist with each other. This allows law to effective by fulfilling the functions of law. Your conclusion needs a little more 'meat' than this. It should be 3-4 sentences. Restate the main idea(s) of the essay. List what you've discussed. Summarise your final viewpoint.

This is a pretty unusual question because it specifically demands content as well as evaluation and analysis, it is quite different to what you'll get in the HSC. So, it is important to balance your content with your evaluation, and where possible, do them simultaneously. I think this essay is a little too content focused, try to really develop the argument of your essay. What judgement do you make about common law? Make this obvious, establish it at the start, and thread it through your topic sentences and paragraphs. I like that you've structured the essay in this manner, however, I think it shifted the focus too much towards content and too far from evaluation. Have a read of this and try and craft a Thesis which is succinct and summarises your opinion on the subject matter.

That said, what you did describe was good. It was a good summary of the content in this part of the course. I would have liked more examples to display your points, but you covered most of the things I'd expect you to cover! Shifting the focus to the evaluative part of the question, and changing your paragraphs to suit this new focus, would be the main improvement I would suggest. Besides this, make sure every paragraph is introduced and concluded properly, make sure all sentences read well, and integrate a few more examples ;D

I hope this helps!!  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 18, 2016, 09:07:19 am
Thank you so much for your comments :D
Your help is extremely appreciated  ;D
For para 1 I incorporated a case example to explain how statute and common law are similar and spent about 3-4 sentences doing this. How would I shorten these sentences while keeping the information? Is this way of explaining the similarities effective and in enough depth? Would I need more similarities for paragraph one?
For evaluation do you basically say that:
Drawn from the involvement of both statute and common law in the 'Native Title Act' (1993) and  ‘Native Title Amendment Act (1998) the effectiveness of common law in creating a new precedent is supported by fulfilling the function of a altering the law in accordance with wishes of society specifically for Indigenous Australians.

For common law I am kind of confused on what aspects to say to support either its ineffective or effective...
If I wanted to integrate similarities and differences in paragraphs 1 and 2 would this be more effective in answer this question?
Would you explain 1 similarity they share and how and then explain 1 difference they have?
For differences: I basically know that there's a difference in sovereignty (statute over common law), common law made in courts and statute made in parliament. I couldn't find any other differences or examples of cases to use to explain these points.

Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 18, 2016, 10:42:14 pm
Quote from: anotherworld2b on May 18, 2016, 09:07:19 am
Thank you so much for your comments :D
Your help is extremely appreciated  ;D
For para 1 I incorporated a case example to explain how statute and common law are similar and spent about 3-4 sentences doing this. How would I shorten these sentences while keeping the information?


It's about cutting out the fluff and only leaving the information that is necessary for your analysis, keeping the focus there. For example, "This particular event in Australian history finally acknowledged the ancient values held by the Indigenous Australians in the community by" is unnecessary, you can literally replace it with the word "The" and the meaning remains the same.

Quote from: anotherworld2b on May 18, 2016, 09:07:19 am
For evaluation do you basically say that:
Drawn from the involvement of both statute and common law in the 'Native Title Act' (1993) and  ‘Native Title Amendment Act (1998) the effectiveness of common law in creating a new precedent is supported by fulfilling the function of a altering the law in accordance with wishes of society specifically for Indigenous Australians.

Pretty much! That is nice and concise and focused on evaluation, excellent.

Quote from: anotherworld2b on May 18, 2016, 09:07:19 am
For common law I am kind of confused on what aspects to say to support either its ineffective or effective...

The effectiveness of common law is based on how it is applied in judicial cases, and in this question, is it applied more effectively or less effectively than statute law?  Is a precedent effective in achieving just outcomes in cases? Is a precedent restrictive for future decisions? Are precedents more effective than laws? In which circumstances?

Quote from: anotherworld2b on May 18, 2016, 09:07:19 am
If I wanted to integrate similarities and differences in paragraphs 1 and 2 would this be more effective in answer this question?
Would you explain 1 similarity they share and how and then explain 1 difference they have?
For differences: I basically know that there's a difference in sovereignty (statute over common law), common law made in courts and statute made in parliament. I couldn't find any other differences or examples of cases to use to explain these points.

I think what would address these issues is re-thinking your structure. Try looking at different legal areas and comparing the approach of statute law and common law in that area. For example, domestic violence. How are laws applied in this area? How has precedent been applied? Which is better and why? This will allow you to document differences between the two and judge the effectiveness of common law in comparison to statute law. Do this three times, different theme per paragraph. It might be a better fit for you  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 19, 2016, 08:55:54 pm
Hello I'm back I rewrote my intro and first paragraph
I was wondering if I could get feedback asap because my inclass essay is tomorrow XO

Law controls matters of human activity and regulates our lives. There are two sources of law that exist within our community. These two sources of law are the statute laws of Commonwealth and state parliaments and the common law principles, applied through precedent, of our federal and state courts in Australia. In an interconnected world, these laws strive to maintain peace and safety among people and provide ways to resolve issues that do arise among individuals. Despite this, common law in particular can be flawed and have weaknesses in fulfilling the characteristics of effective law and the functions of law. The ineffectiveness and weaknesses of common law is evident in the similarities and differences between statute and common law supported by relevant cases.


Both sources of law share distinct similarities that include the ideal of the fulfillment of the functions of law in Australian society. One key similarity shared between the two sources of law is that both are subject to the rule of law and that both have to submit to the constitution. The requirement of the two sources of law abiding to the Australian Constitution is of utmost importance because the Constitution is the set of basic law that provides rights for all Australians, such as freedom of religion and the right to compensation if the government acquires your property by which our nation is governed. This is further reflected in the importance that people should have confidence in the broader legal system that governs the operation of such laws. Collectively, the law should fulfill particular functions whether they are common or statute law conveying the effectiveness of law.The overturning of the term ‘terra nullius’ and the use of the previous precedent of the ‘Gove Land Rights Case (1971)’ is evident of how Common law and statute law both reflect the enforcement and alteration of law in accordance with the wishes of society. Drawn from the involvement of both statute and common law in the 'Native Title Act' (1993) and ‘Native Title Amendment Act (1998) the ineffectiveness of common law is reflected in the reluctance of judges to depart from precedent of the ‘Gove Land Rights Case (1971)’ to alter the law in accordance with wishes of society specifically for the Indigenous Australians. Common law has not always worked efficiently. The start of the rigid use of precedent by the early English courts limited the ability to deal with legal issues that were different from past cases. This is still evident today hindering the effectiveness of common law due to the fact that no two cases are exactly the same but simply similar causing uncertainty that cases will be distinguished, overruled, reversed or disapproved appropriately. Hence, flaws and ineffectiveness can be seen in the application of common law in contrast to Statute law.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 19, 2016, 09:46:43 pm
Quote from: anotherworld2b on May 19, 2016, 08:55:54 pm
Hello I'm back I rewrote my intro and first paragraph
I was wondering if I could get feedback asap because my inclass essay is tomorrow XO

Sure thing! It's attached here with some brief comments throughout  ;D

Spoiler
Law controls matters of human activity and regulates our lives. Try and give a more formal definition here. For any other word I wouldn't stress it, but since it is your Thesis statement and this is Legal Studies, it needs to be solid. There are two sources of law that exist within our community. These two sources of law are the statute laws of Commonwealth and state parliaments and the common law principles, applied through precedent, of our federal and state courts in Australia. In an interconnected world, these laws strive to maintain peace and safety among people and provide ways to resolve issues that do arise among individuals. This is great! Much more succinct! Despite this, common law in particular can be flawed and have weaknesses in fulfilling the characteristics of effective law and the functions of law. The ineffectiveness and weaknesses of common law is evident in the similarities and differences between statute and common law supported by relevant cases. This is a much more effective introduction. To the point, gives a clear opinion, and sets up the argument well, good job.


Both sources of law share distinct similarities that include the ideal of the fulfillment of the functions of law in Australian society. Wording was a tad awkward there, try something more like "both directed towards the fulfilment of the functions of law in society," or something like that. One key similarity shared between the two sources of law is that both are subject to the rule of law and that both have to submit to the constitution. The requirement of the two sources of law abiding to the Australian Constitution is of utmost importance because the Constitution is the set of basic law that provides rights for all Australians, such as freedom of religion and the right to compensation if the government acquires your property by which our nation is governed. Good example. This is further reflected in the importance that people should have confidence in the broader legal system that governs the operation of such laws. Collectively, the law should fulfill particular functions whether they are common or statute law conveying the effectiveness of law. Those last two sentences were a bit wish-washy, they didn't add anything new to your argument. Avoid these sort of "filler" sentences and focus on hard examples and analysis. The overturning of the term ‘terra nullius’ and the use of the previous precedent of the ‘Gove Land Rights Case (1971)’ is evident of how Common law and statute law both reflect the enforcement and alteration of law in accordance with the wishes of society. Drawn from the involvement of both statute and common law in the 'Native Title Act' (1993) and ‘Native Title Amendment Act (1998) the ineffectiveness of common law is reflected in the reluctance of judges to depart from precedent of the ‘Gove Land Rights Case (1971)’ to alter the law in accordance with wishes of society specifically for the Indigenous Australians. Very nice link to draw there, however it sort of goes against the sentence before this one. You've said common law was effective, now saying it is ineffective, without any comparative conjunction like "However" or "On the other hand." Breaks the flow a little. Common law has not always worked efficiently. The start of the rigid use of precedent by the early English courts limited the ability to deal with legal issues that were different from past cases. This is still evident today hindering the effectiveness of common law due to the fact that no two cases are exactly the same but simply similar causing uncertainty that cases will be distinguished, overruled, reversed or disapproved appropriately. This would be a good time for a contemporary example, historical analysis is never quite as effective. Hence, flaws and ineffectiveness can be seen in the application of common law in contrast to Statute law. Good, succinct.

This works really well anotherworld2b, good on you for working to improve it!! A few comments throughout, take them or leave them, on the whole this works really well ;D Be sure to keep re-enforcing your argument, stay on topic and be succinct with your word choice, focus on examples, analysis and opinion  :) good luck!!  :D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Essej on May 22, 2016, 01:34:10 pm
Hey Jamon !

In keeping with my school's "prepare you for the end of the day" theme, I have been assigned yet another task which involves 1 of 2 possible 25mark essays being assessed on the due date.

They are:

1. To what extent has law reform achieved justice for family members in alternative family relationships? Include a discussion on same sex relationships and surrogacy and birth technologies.

2. To what extent has family law reform achieved just outcomes for family members experiencing problems? Include a discussion on the changing nature of parental responsibility and care and protection of children.

Hoping you can take a look at the draft i've done for the first essay :)

Thanks in advance !
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 23, 2016, 07:59:53 am
Quote from: Essej on May 22, 2016, 01:34:10 pm
Hey Jamon !

In keeping with my school's "prepare you for the end of the day" theme, I have been assigned yet another task which involves 1 of 2 possible 25mark essays being assessed on the due date.

They are:

1. To what extent has law reform achieved justice for family members in alternative family relationships? Include a discussion on same sex relationships and surrogacy and birth technologies.

2. To what extent has family law reform achieved just outcomes for family members experiencing problems? Include a discussion on the changing nature of parental responsibility and care and protection of children.

Hoping you can take a look at the draft i've done for the first essay :)

Thanks in advance !

Hey Essej!! This is a very cool theme, always working towards an end goal  ;) your essay is below with some comments throughout!!

Spoiler
1. To what extent has law reform achieved justice for family members in alternative family relationships? Include a discussion on same sex relationships and surrogacy and birth technologies.

In contemporary society, shifting societal attitudes towards sexual orientation and technological developments have given rise to the need for reform in family law. Awesome introductory sentence. The ambiguous definition of the familial unit within the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth) along with considerable legislative reform has seen an amelioration in inequalities faced by family members in relationships alternate to the nuclear one. Sophistication falls slightly with "the nuclear one," and further, the ambiguity in the FLA has not assisted in ameliorating inequality, rather, it sort of instigated it. Wording adjustment? Moreover, the introduction of unique situations arising from technological advancements such as in-vitro fertilisation and surrogacy has forced the legal system to adapt, in keeping with the overarching principle of the ‘best interests of the child’. It is clear that limitations are evident in the law’s ability to address issues of justice for evolving families, however concerted efforts have been made to ensure that justice prevails. A very solid Thesis paragraph, I like that the argument sits somewhere in the middle of good/bad, they are always more sophisticated.

In a changing society, the increase in alternative family relationships has seen a modification in Australia’s legal framework as new situations arise that compromise individual and collective equality. Recognition of De facto relationships, wherein two people live together in a bona fide domestic relationship without being married, is one such example. Great! However, I'd like to see an evaluative statement made here, your judgement should specifically form part of these opening sentences, and then you back it up in the paragraph. Despite encompassing approximately 10% of couples (2011), De facto relationships were not recognised in NSW until the passing of the De Facto Relationships Act 1984. Be sure to reference information correctly, where is this figure from (probably ABS), and ensure that (NSW) is on the end of your law. A change in societal perception through a disillusionment with the ‘requirement’ for marriage sparked such reforms, in which the criteria for heterosexual de facto relationships is clearly defined as “Lasting 2 or more years or having children involved” and “Demonstrating commitment to each other”. Details are slightly redundant, but the first bit is good to include. Also known as the Property (Relationships) Act 1984, this legislation achieved justice for alternate family relationships by ensuring that heterosexual unmarried couples gained legislative protection in issues of property division upon relationship breakdown. Good. These reforms were challenged in Davies v. Sparkes (1990). In this case, it was found that despite regular payments of “financial maintenance”, a stipulated characteristic of a de facto relationship, not enough features of such a relationship existed to warrant De facto status and therefore a monetary payment upon the breakdown of the relationship. Remember that you do NOT need to go into case details beyond a single phrase, like, "Davies v Sparkes (1990), a financial dispute surrounding the breakdown of a de-facto relationship." Focus on the legal issues coming out of the case. Keep it in if you prefer, but it is a little redundant. This lack of legal documentation was addressed in the opening of a NSW Relationship Register in 2010, which in the words of the NSW Attorney General, “will make it easier for unmarried couples to access legal entitlements and prove they are in a committed or de facto relationship”. Good use of quote. Through an increase in accessibility and recognition of de facto couples, it is evident that notwithstanding the time delay in adapting legal framework, the system has made effective attempts to achieve justice for those in alternative family relationships. Excellently argued, well done.

The justice which alternative family relationships ultimately achieve in the legal system can be further examined through the controversial contemporary issue of same-sex relationships. First phrase of that sentence was just slightly messy. Again, add a judgement! A lack of legal recognition of homosexual relationships within the Family Law Act (1961) (Cth) echoed contextual discrimination against the minority. However, changing social attitudes towards homosexual couples, as mirrored by a 2015 survey in which 74% of the Labor Party were in support of marriage equality (Up from 38% in 2004), have given rise to the necessity of law reform. Any reasons you took the Labor party, not the whole of society? Just curious. Time delays, a prevalent limitation of the legal system, play a large role in the lack of justice achieved for same-sex couples. It was not until the passing of the Property (Relationships) Legislation Amendment Act 1999 (NSW) that homosexual couples were given legal recognition. This act amended the aforementioned 1984 act to extend rights given to heterosexual couples to same-sex couples, specifically regarding inheritance, decision making in the event of death and compensation in line with the legal principle of equality. Legal recognition of same-sex couples in relation to health insurance was also granted in Hope and Brown v NIB (1994), affording same-sex couples further alignment with other familial relationships. That's a more efficient case reference there, excellent.

Moreover, in reforming the law the legal system aims to cement individual rights and freedoms; including the right to be free from prejudice. The enactment of the Same Sex Relationships (Equal Treatment in Commonwealth Laws - General Law Reform) Act 2008 in response to the 2007 Same-Sex: Same Entitlements report exemplified this. In amending 84 Commonwealth laws to eliminate discrimination against same-sex couples and their children in areas such as social security and child support, law reform can be seen to once more achieve justice for alternative family relationships. Excellent. The recurrent shortcoming of the law in time delays relating to same-sex couples was positively addressed in a 2010 SMH Article entitled “Could this be the year of the modern family?”. Referencing the Adoption Amendment (Same Sex Couples) Act 2010 (NSW), the author reveals the vast progression of same-sex law reform, stating that “NSW has finally made a claim to history by eliminating the last direct piece of legislative discrimination on the basis of sexuality”. Good use of media. It is likely that through allowing same-sex couples to adopt, the act will be a further impetus for “a shift in social, as well as legal, stigmas attached to same-sex families.” Clearly, the lengthy time inefficiencies within the legal system have once more inhibited the eventual prevalence of justice for those in same-sex relationships. Fantastic paragraph! However, the somewhat negative conclusion you draw at the end isn't exactly in line with the argument throughout, which is quite positive, do be a little careful. I'll also add that your expression in these paragraphs could be more succinct, you are going to need to cut words for an exam situation (probably), I'd cut them here.

Technological innovation in modern society is yet another condition which gives rise to law reform in the area of alternative family relationships. Add judgement. Artificial conception through in-vitro fertilisation raises a multitude of ethical questions regarding the treatment of human life as parental roles move past the simple “mother” and “father”. Slightly redundant comment, UNLESS you then relate it to some legal theme, right now it is just a comment in space. I can skip to the next one with no loss to meaning. In response to such technologies, the legal system has addressed the issues of status and parenthood in relation to embryos through the Status of Children Act 1996 (NSW). This legislation states that if a husband and wife use their own sperm and ova, the resulting child will have the same legal status as one conceived naturally, effectively redressing inequalities within society and the legal system. The Act also applies to parenthood in regards to IVF, stating ”When a woman becomes pregnant by using donor sperm from someone other than her husband, then that man is presumed not to be the father of the child born”. This notion of automatic “Presumption of paternity” was tested in  B v J (1996), wherein the utilitarian reform allowed the Family Court to uphold that the man with whom the mother had a relationship with, not the sperm donor, was the legal father of the child. You need a conclusive statement here, just as before!

The limitations of the law in ethically questionable areas as technology changes is further demonstrated in the area of surrogacy. This sentence integrates your judgement, better. Surrogacy occurs when one woman agrees to fall pregnant and bear a child for a (usually childless) couple, who adopt the child when it is born. Don't define legal terms: Your reader knows this already! Whilst altruistic surrogacy, where a woman agrees to bear a child for no financial gain, is legal in Australia, its reverse, commercial surrogacy, is outlawed. Again, redundant information, focus on the analysis! The flaws within the legal system in regards to achieving justice for families in alternate relationships was brought forth in Re Michael (2009). This a nightmare case which demonstrated that an altruistic surrogacy in NSW did not lead to an adoption due to a lack of regulation by the NSW government. Be careful not to use expressive language like "nightmare," you must remain objective. With regard to the case itself, you need to draw out the implications of this more! The criminalisation of commercial surrogacy meanwhile in the Surrogacy Act 2011 (NSW), in response to growing negativity surrounding celebrity Nicole Kidman’s use of “gestational carriers” aims to redress the “dehumanisation” of women in such a process. NSW Attorney-General Greg Smith is quoted in a 2012 ABC “The Drum” article entitled “The surrogacy trap: why our laws need new life” explaining the practice is "unethical" and "not in the best interests of the mother or the child". Often ignored in the process, children’s basic rights can be seen to be disregarded in the prioritisation of resolving parenthood issues. However, social influences following the UN’s 1990 Convention on the Rights of the Child (CROC) are evident in the Surrogacy reform’s focus on advancing the “best interests of the child”. Good inclusion of CROC here. In requiring independent counsellor’s report that parenthood transfers are “in the best interests of the child” it is evident that through law reform eventual justice has been achieved for all parties to an alternative familial relationship. This paragraph is noticeably weaker than the others (take this as a complement, because this paragraph is still exceptionally strong). It is content focused, try and shift over to focus more on evaluative analysis, and draw out implications from your examples more efficiently (analysis).


In summary, through a culmination of shifting societal attitudes towards sexual minorities as well as technological innovation, law reform has become a necessity in contemporary society. The rise in alternative family relationships has seen immense change in Australia’s legal framework, with time delays and initial disregard for the rights of children being the major limitations of the legal system in this area. Despite obvious flaws, overall law reform can be seen to eventually successfully achieve justice for those in alternative family relationships.Excellent, succinct conclusion, nicely done!


A thing of beauty Essej, seriously good work! I mostly picked on little things (there wasn't any big issues to fix), but you could write this in the HSC and score EXCEPTIONALLY well. Be sure to keep the focus on analysis (no redundant case details or definition of legal terms), you occasionally stray ever so slightly into 'content vomit.' Further, some structural things to fix, primarily adding your judgement to your topic sentences in each paragraph. This is vital to set up your evaluation from the start.

Great work Essej, very very hard to fault!  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Essej on May 24, 2016, 07:51:12 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on May 23, 2016, 07:59:53 am
Hey Essej!! This is a very cool theme, always working towards an end goal  ;) your essay is below with some comments throughout!!

Spoiler
1. To what extent has law reform achieved justice for family members in alternative family relationships? Include a discussion on same sex relationships and surrogacy and birth technologies.

In contemporary society, shifting societal attitudes towards sexual orientation and technological developments have given rise to the need for reform in family law. Awesome introductory sentence. The ambiguous definition of the familial unit within the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth) along with considerable legislative reform has seen an amelioration in inequalities faced by family members in relationships alternate to the nuclear one. Sophistication falls slightly with "the nuclear one," and further, the ambiguity in the FLA has not assisted in ameliorating inequality, rather, it sort of instigated it. Wording adjustment? Moreover, the introduction of unique situations arising from technological advancements such as in-vitro fertilisation and surrogacy has forced the legal system to adapt, in keeping with the overarching principle of the ‘best interests of the child’. It is clear that limitations are evident in the law’s ability to address issues of justice for evolving families, however concerted efforts have been made to ensure that justice prevails. A very solid Thesis paragraph, I like that the argument sits somewhere in the middle of good/bad, they are always more sophisticated.

In a changing society, the increase in alternative family relationships has seen a modification in Australia’s legal framework as new situations arise that compromise individual and collective equality. Recognition of De facto relationships, wherein two people live together in a bona fide domestic relationship without being married, is one such example. Great! However, I'd like to see an evaluative statement made here, your judgement should specifically form part of these opening sentences, and then you back it up in the paragraph. Despite encompassing approximately 10% of couples (2011), De facto relationships were not recognised in NSW until the passing of the De Facto Relationships Act 1984. Be sure to reference information correctly, where is this figure from (probably ABS), and ensure that (NSW) is on the end of your law. A change in societal perception through a disillusionment with the ‘requirement’ for marriage sparked such reforms, in which the criteria for heterosexual de facto relationships is clearly defined as “Lasting 2 or more years or having children involved” and “Demonstrating commitment to each other”. Details are slightly redundant, but the first bit is good to include. Also known as the Property (Relationships) Act 1984, this legislation achieved justice for alternate family relationships by ensuring that heterosexual unmarried couples gained legislative protection in issues of property division upon relationship breakdown. Good. These reforms were challenged in Davies v. Sparkes (1990). In this case, it was found that despite regular payments of “financial maintenance”, a stipulated characteristic of a de facto relationship, not enough features of such a relationship existed to warrant De facto status and therefore a monetary payment upon the breakdown of the relationship. Remember that you do NOT need to go into case details beyond a single phrase, like, "Davies v Sparkes (1990), a financial dispute surrounding the breakdown of a de-facto relationship." Focus on the legal issues coming out of the case. Keep it in if you prefer, but it is a little redundant. This lack of legal documentation was addressed in the opening of a NSW Relationship Register in 2010, which in the words of the NSW Attorney General, “will make it easier for unmarried couples to access legal entitlements and prove they are in a committed or de facto relationship”. Good use of quote. Through an increase in accessibility and recognition of de facto couples, it is evident that notwithstanding the time delay in adapting legal framework, the system has made effective attempts to achieve justice for those in alternative family relationships. Excellently argued, well done.

The justice which alternative family relationships ultimately achieve in the legal system can be further examined through the controversial contemporary issue of same-sex relationships. First phrase of that sentence was just slightly messy. Again, add a judgement! A lack of legal recognition of homosexual relationships within the Family Law Act (1961) (Cth) echoed contextual discrimination against the minority. However, changing social attitudes towards homosexual couples, as mirrored by a 2015 survey in which 74% of the Labor Party were in support of marriage equality (Up from 38% in 2004), have given rise to the necessity of law reform. Any reasons you took the Labor party, not the whole of society? Just curious. Time delays, a prevalent limitation of the legal system, play a large role in the lack of justice achieved for same-sex couples. It was not until the passing of the Property (Relationships) Legislation Amendment Act 1999 (NSW) that homosexual couples were given legal recognition. This act amended the aforementioned 1984 act to extend rights given to heterosexual couples to same-sex couples, specifically regarding inheritance, decision making in the event of death and compensation in line with the legal principle of equality. Legal recognition of same-sex couples in relation to health insurance was also granted in Hope and Brown v NIB (1994), affording same-sex couples further alignment with other familial relationships. That's a more efficient case reference there, excellent.

Moreover, in reforming the law the legal system aims to cement individual rights and freedoms; including the right to be free from prejudice. The enactment of the Same Sex Relationships (Equal Treatment in Commonwealth Laws - General Law Reform) Act 2008 in response to the 2007 Same-Sex: Same Entitlements report exemplified this. In amending 84 Commonwealth laws to eliminate discrimination against same-sex couples and their children in areas such as social security and child support, law reform can be seen to once more achieve justice for alternative family relationships. Excellent. The recurrent shortcoming of the law in time delays relating to same-sex couples was positively addressed in a 2010 SMH Article entitled “Could this be the year of the modern family?”. Referencing the Adoption Amendment (Same Sex Couples) Act 2010 (NSW), the author reveals the vast progression of same-sex law reform, stating that “NSW has finally made a claim to history by eliminating the last direct piece of legislative discrimination on the basis of sexuality”. Good use of media. It is likely that through allowing same-sex couples to adopt, the act will be a further impetus for “a shift in social, as well as legal, stigmas attached to same-sex families.” Clearly, the lengthy time inefficiencies within the legal system have once more inhibited the eventual prevalence of justice for those in same-sex relationships. Fantastic paragraph! However, the somewhat negative conclusion you draw at the end isn't exactly in line with the argument throughout, which is quite positive, do be a little careful. I'll also add that your expression in these paragraphs could be more succinct, you are going to need to cut words for an exam situation (probably), I'd cut them here.

Technological innovation in modern society is yet another condition which gives rise to law reform in the area of alternative family relationships. Add judgement. Artificial conception through in-vitro fertilisation raises a multitude of ethical questions regarding the treatment of human life as parental roles move past the simple “mother” and “father”. Slightly redundant comment, UNLESS you then relate it to some legal theme, right now it is just a comment in space. I can skip to the next one with no loss to meaning. In response to such technologies, the legal system has addressed the issues of status and parenthood in relation to embryos through the Status of Children Act 1996 (NSW). This legislation states that if a husband and wife use their own sperm and ova, the resulting child will have the same legal status as one conceived naturally, effectively redressing inequalities within society and the legal system. The Act also applies to parenthood in regards to IVF, stating ”When a woman becomes pregnant by using donor sperm from someone other than her husband, then that man is presumed not to be the father of the child born”. This notion of automatic “Presumption of paternity” was tested in  B v J (1996), wherein the utilitarian reform allowed the Family Court to uphold that the man with whom the mother had a relationship with, not the sperm donor, was the legal father of the child. You need a conclusive statement here, just as before!

The limitations of the law in ethically questionable areas as technology changes is further demonstrated in the area of surrogacy. This sentence integrates your judgement, better. Surrogacy occurs when one woman agrees to fall pregnant and bear a child for a (usually childless) couple, who adopt the child when it is born. Don't define legal terms: Your reader knows this already! Whilst altruistic surrogacy, where a woman agrees to bear a child for no financial gain, is legal in Australia, its reverse, commercial surrogacy, is outlawed. Again, redundant information, focus on the analysis! The flaws within the legal system in regards to achieving justice for families in alternate relationships was brought forth in Re Michael (2009). This a nightmare case which demonstrated that an altruistic surrogacy in NSW did not lead to an adoption due to a lack of regulation by the NSW government. Be careful not to use expressive language like "nightmare," you must remain objective. With regard to the case itself, you need to draw out the implications of this more! The criminalisation of commercial surrogacy meanwhile in the Surrogacy Act 2011 (NSW), in response to growing negativity surrounding celebrity Nicole Kidman’s use of “gestational carriers” aims to redress the “dehumanisation” of women in such a process. NSW Attorney-General Greg Smith is quoted in a 2012 ABC “The Drum” article entitled “The surrogacy trap: why our laws need new life” explaining the practice is "unethical" and "not in the best interests of the mother or the child". Often ignored in the process, children’s basic rights can be seen to be disregarded in the prioritisation of resolving parenthood issues. However, social influences following the UN’s 1990 Convention on the Rights of the Child (CROC) are evident in the Surrogacy reform’s focus on advancing the “best interests of the child”. Good inclusion of CROC here. In requiring independent counsellor’s report that parenthood transfers are “in the best interests of the child” it is evident that through law reform eventual justice has been achieved for all parties to an alternative familial relationship. This paragraph is noticeably weaker than the others (take this as a complement, because this paragraph is still exceptionally strong). It is content focused, try and shift over to focus more on evaluative analysis, and draw out implications from your examples more efficiently (analysis).


In summary, through a culmination of shifting societal attitudes towards sexual minorities as well as technological innovation, law reform has become a necessity in contemporary society. The rise in alternative family relationships has seen immense change in Australia’s legal framework, with time delays and initial disregard for the rights of children being the major limitations of the legal system in this area. Despite obvious flaws, overall law reform can be seen to eventually successfully achieve justice for those in alternative family relationships.Excellent, succinct conclusion, nicely done!


A thing of beauty Essej, seriously good work! I mostly picked on little things (there wasn't any big issues to fix), but you could write this in the HSC and score EXCEPTIONALLY well. Be sure to keep the focus on analysis (no redundant case details or definition of legal terms), you occasionally stray ever so slightly into 'content vomit.' Further, some structural things to fix, primarily adding your judgement to your topic sentences in each paragraph. This is vital to set up your evaluation from the start.

Great work Essej, very very hard to fault!  ;D

Thanks Jamon !

Unfortunately as I was working on the other parts of the assessment, I won't be able to resend you my edited draft! Apologies  :'(

However i've definitely improved my essay with your recommendations and completely forgot about adding judgement to my topic sentences and vomiting content when i fell into a writing lull, thanks for reminding me!

Haha i was given the support of marriage equality statistic by my teacher, and much to my surprise when i checked up on it it regarded the labor party! I guess to justify it I would say that over time government perception (in addition to societal) regarding marriage equality has changed, and of course even though labor aren't in power right now parliament is where the changes can best take effect.

I'm more than likely going to remove the de facto paragraph when writing the actual essay as a) it's not required in the question and b) my essay is way too long  :P .

But once again thanks heaps, hope to see you back on the forums soon!


Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 24, 2016, 08:09:15 pm
Quote from: Essej on May 24, 2016, 07:51:12 pm
Thanks Jamon !

Unfortunately as I was working on the other parts of the assessment, I won't be able to resend you my edited draft! Apologies  :'(

However i've definitely improved my essay with your recommendations and completely forgot about adding judgement to my topic sentences and vomiting content when i fell into a writing lull, thanks for reminding me!

Haha i was given the support of marriage equality statistic by my teacher, and much to my surprise when i checked up on it it regarded the labor party! I guess to justify it I would say that over time government perception (in addition to societal) regarding marriage equality has changed, and of course even though labor aren't in power right now parliament is where the changes can best take effect.

I'm more than likely going to remove the de facto paragraph when writing the actual essay as a) it's not required in the question and b) my essay is way too long  :P .

But once again thanks heaps, hope to see you back on the forums soon!

No problem Essej! Happy to be of help  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: king_sanj on May 25, 2016, 10:13:00 am
Hey guys! Can I please get feedback for my family law essay?
Specific issues:
- I feel like my arguments are imbalanced or are not satisfactorily proved
- Are there enough LCMs?
Thanks so much

Evaluate the effectiveness of family law in responding to the changing values in the community
Family law is the body of law which governs specific areas such as children or property in relation to families. The main law governing this is the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth). Over the years, there has been significant law reform concerning family law, in the form of new precedents, amendments and Acts. Changing values in the community refer to the gradual shifts in morals and ethics held by wider society.  The will and views of the majority is necessary to be taken into account in the process of law reform. This reflection of changing values in by the law is necessary in a social democracy such as Australia. Two contemporary issues relating to family law which involve a degree of controversy and media attention are: the recognition of same-sex relationships as well as the care and protection of children.

A significant contemporary issue concerning family law is the rights and recognition of same-sex relationships. The substantial advancements in the wider community’s recognition of gay rights in the last few decades has coincided with reflective law reform which ultimately led to the amendments to the law concerning the recognition of same-sex relationships. In the case of Howard v Andrews (1996), an individual in a same-sex relationship was barred from being able to inherit, after his death, the property of his partner of 14 years. This led to the 1999 amendment to the Property (Relationships) Act 1984 (Cth) which gave same-sex civil couples the same rights as heterosexual de facto couples in regards to property. The law was further reformed in 2008, where 85 amendments were passed across multiple laws to erase disadvantages faced by same-sex couples compared to heterosexual de facto couples. However, in 2004, both houses of federal parliament passed an amendment to the Marriage Act 1961 (Cth), adding “marriage is between one man and one woman” in order to prevent same-sex couples from getting married since the specification had not been explicitly stated in the Act previously. In both 2005 and 2012, bills seeking to dissolve the 2004 amendment were voted down in both houses of parliament. A 2012, ABC News Article [“Lower House votes down same-sex marriage bill”], only 42 MPs were reported to have supported the private members bill  in 2012, whereas 98 MPs voted against it.  In contrast, according to an episode of “The Project”, in 2011, a Galaxy poll reported that 67% of Australians were in favour of same-sex marriage. Furthermore, support for marriage equality has statistically being growing. According to a Sydney Morning Herald article in 2014, by Lisa Cox, “Poll shows growing support for same-sex marriage”, a Crosby Textor poll found that 72% of Australians want same-sex marriage legalised”. This shows a lack of accurate representation of the public’s views in parliament. Therefore, family law has been very reflective of changing values to a large extent, concerning the rights and recognition same-sex relationships. However, its ability to accurately reflect changing community values is diminished by its failure to uphold the public majority’s support for same sex marriage.

The issue of the care and protection of children has attracted major reform to family law and related acts in the past few decades. Children are seen by the wider community to be vulnerable members of society, and hence, require greater levels of protection. Consequently, the law has also recognised this. At a state level, the Children and Young Persons (Care and Protection) Act 1998 (NSW) provides for mandatory reporting to Community Services NSW (CSN); formerly known as DoCS; in cases where a child is considered to be at risk of harm. This operates at a domestic level as well and is heavily linked to family law in epitomising the safety of children. However, despite this, many cases of child deaths continue to occur. According to the Sydney Morning Herald [“DOCS didn’t protect Kiesha”: Tim Barlass: 2013], in 2011, A 6 year old girl, Kiesha Abrahams was repeated abused and murdered while under the care of her mother and step-father. However, it is reported that there had been numerous reports to DoCS [currently called Community Services NSW [CSN]] about the concerning environment in which she lived: a mother who had previously abused her. This is despite, the law’s attempts to maximise the level of care and protection given to children. For example, courts are required to take into account, the best interests of the child while making decisions regarding families, such as divorce and custody. This ensures that children are adequately cared for. However, the NSW Ombudsman’s annual report of “reviewable deaths of children” in NSW every year reveals the children’s cases known to CSN, who have died as a result of abuse or neglect. In 2007, the figure stood at, no less than 150. Despite the significant efforts of family law and related legislation, the problem of instrumental departments such as DoCS being under-resourced allows for many children to be left in abusive environments, even facing death in some cases. This drastically reduces the law’s effectiveness in protecting children. Thus, in practice, although law reform seeks to reflect changing community values concerning the care and protection of children, it isn’t able to do so effectively.

The law has undergone tremendous reform over the past few decades in terms of families in order to correlate with the community’s changing values and perceptions. This is particularly true in terms of the recognition of same-sex relationships as well as the care and protection of children. In the area of same-sex relationships, discrimination is still yet to be effectively curbed and the need for marriage equality is yet to be served. In the issue of the care and protection of children, family law’s effectiveness is inhibited by under-resourced departments. Therefore, to a large extent, family law has been effective in reflecting changing values of the community. However, it is still yet to keep up with these changes in current times due to flaws either in representation of the public in the legislature or the ability of the legal system to cater for its purposes effectively.   
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 25, 2016, 01:55:40 pm
Quote from: king_sanj on May 25, 2016, 10:13:00 am
Hey guys! Can I please get feedback for my family law essay?
Specific issues:
- I feel like my arguments are imbalanced or are not satisfactorily proved
- Are there enough LCMs?
Thanks so much

Hey king_sanj! Definitely, I've attached your essay with some comments throughout. To give you (and myself) an idea of how much LCMTR you are using (LCM, same thing), I'll highlight them red  ;D

Spoiler
Evaluate the effectiveness of family law in responding to the changing values in the community.

Family law is the body of law which governs specific areas such as children or property in relation to families. The main law governing this is the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth). It is better to start your essay with an argument or position, you don't need facts like this, the marker knows this already! Over the years, there has been significant law reform concerning family law, in the form of new precedents, amendments and Acts. Changing values in the community refer to the gradual shifts in morals and ethics held by wider society.  Again, you don't need to define terms like this. The will and views of the majority is necessary to be taken into account in the process of law reform. I like this statement! Summarises the ideas behind the essay very succinctly. You could blend this with the following sentence to make it more succinct. This reflection of changing values in by the law is necessary in a social democracy such as Australia. Two contemporary issues relating to family law which involve a degree of controversy and media attention are: the recognition of same-sex relationships as well as the care and protection of children. What you are missing here is a judgement; how effective has law reform been in responding to this issue? If you don't make a judgement, you aren't answering the 'evaluate' aspect of the question.

A significant contemporary issue concerning family law is the rights and recognition of same-sex relationships. The substantial advancements in the wider community’s recognition of gay rights in the last few decades has coincided with reflective law reform which ultimately led to the amendments to the law concerning the recognition of same-sex relationships. How effective have they been?  In the case of Howard v Andrews (1996), an individual in a same-sex relationship was barred from being able to inherit, after his death, the property of his partner of 14 years. This led to the 1999 amendment to the Property (Relationships) Act 1984 (Cth) which gave same-sex civil couples the same rights as heterosexual de facto couples in regards to property. Great example! You now need to use it to say "law reform has thus been effective/ineffective in responding to changing societal attitudes towards homosexual relationships," for example. The law was further reformed in 2008, where 85 amendments were passed across multiple laws to erase disadvantages faced by same-sex couples compared to heterosexual de facto couples. Better to use the actual amendment act, but cool! However, in 2004, both houses of federal parliament passed an amendment to the Marriage Act 1961 (Cth), adding “marriage is between one man and one woman” in order to prevent same-sex couples from getting married since the specification had not been explicitly stated in the Act previously. These little extra tidbits of fact are good, but be careful to keep the focus on analysis and evaluation. These are good, but you don't need them. In both 2005 and 2012, bills seeking to dissolve the 2004 amendment were voted down in both houses of parliament. A 2012, ABC News Article [“Lower House votes down same-sex marriage bill”], only 42 MPs were reported to have supported the private members bill  in 2012, whereas 98 MPs voted against it. Good inclusion of media, but the wording there was a little sloppy.  In contrast, according to an episode of “The Project”, in 2011, a Galaxy poll reported that 67% of Australians were in favour of same-sex marriage. Furthermore, support for marriage equality has statistically being growing. According to a Sydney Morning Herald article in 2014, by Lisa Cox, “Poll shows growing support for same-sex marriage”, a Crosby Textor poll found that 72% of Australians want same-sex marriage legalised”. This shows a lack of accurate representation of the public’s views in parliament. Therefore, family law has been very reflective of changing values to a large extent, concerning the rights and recognition same-sex relationships. However, its ability to accurately reflect changing community values is diminished by its failure to uphold the public majority’s support for same sex marriage. These last two sentences are fantastic!! However, you can't just slap the judgement on the end, it must be threaded throughout the essay. If you had done this, your argument would have been proven extremely well. As it is, it isn't to that standard.

The issue of the care and protection of children has attracted major reform to family law and related acts in the past few decades. Children are seen by the wider community to be vulnerable members of society, and hence, require greater levels of protection. Consequently, the law has also recognised this. At a state level, the Children and Young Persons (Care and Protection) Act 1998 (NSW) provides for mandatory reporting to Community Services NSW (CSN); formerly known as DoCS; in cases where a child is considered to be at risk of harm. Isn't it Family and Community Services (FACS)? This operates at a domestic level as well and is heavily linked to family law in epitomising the safety of children. However, despite this, many cases of child deaths continue to occur. According to the Sydney Morning Herald [“DOCS didn’t protect Kiesha”: Tim Barlass: 2013], in 2011, A 6 year old girl, Kiesha Abrahams was repeated abused and murdered while under the care of her mother and step-father. You should try and use the R v Abrahams (2013) case reference in conjunction with the article!  However, it is reported that there had been numerous reports to DoCS [currently called Community Services NSW [CSN]] about the concerning environment in which she lived: a mother who had previously abused her. This is despite, the law’s attempts to maximise the level of care and protection given to children. For example, courts are required to take into account, the best interests of the child while making decisions regarding families, such as divorce and custody. This ensures that children are adequately cared for. However, the NSW Ombudsman’s annual report of “reviewable deaths of children” in NSW every year reveals the children’s cases known to CSN, who have died as a result of abuse or neglect. In 2007, the figure stood at, no less than 150. Despite the significant efforts of family law and related legislation, the problem of instrumental departments such as DoCS being under-resourced allows for many children to be left in abusive environments, even facing death in some cases. This drastically reduces the law’s effectiveness in protecting children. Thus, in practice, although law reform seeks to reflect changing community values concerning the care and protection of children, it isn’t able to do so effectively. Virtually identical comments to above, inclusion of cases, laws and media is awesome (though not as good as the first paragraph), but you aren't evaluating throughout. You must include a judgement at the beginning, prove it in the body, then re-state it at the end.

The law has undergone tremendous reform over the past few decades in terms of families in order to correlate with the community’s changing values and perceptions. This is particularly true in terms of the recognition of same-sex relationships as well as the care and protection of children. In the area of same-sex relationships, discrimination is still yet to be effectively curbed and the need for marriage equality is yet to be served. In the issue of the care and protection of children, family law’s effectiveness is inhibited by under-resourced departments. Therefore, to a large extent, family law has been effective in reflecting changing values of the community. However, it is still yet to keep up with these changes in current times due to flaws either in representation of the public in the legislature or the ability of the legal system to cater for its purposes effectively. Very effective conclusion, excellent!

To address your specific concerns first: Yes, there is definitely enough LCM's, and you've brought reports and statistics in as well. Golden. I'd love to see CROC make an appearance in that second paragraph!! But yes, you are fine in this area, the second paragraph could use some cases and laws if you can (visually, you can see it doesn't have as much as the first paragraph), but on the whole you are set.

The argument has an issue, but it is more structural. First, you must include a judgement in your Thesis, likely right near the end. Secondly, you must state the judgement (with respect to the area in that paragraph) of the law reform at the start of the paragraph. You then go on to prove that argument throughout the paragraph. You must be constantly evaluating and judging each new piece of information you give the reader. Every other sentence should say something like, "Thus, this shows effectiveness/ineffectiveness because ________." This ensures the argument flows through the essay and isn't just tacked on as an afterthought, which is what you have here.

Besides that, your evidence is spectacular, and your arguments are definitely there. You just need to actually say them explicitly. Sophistication is good, and although normally I'd recommend three body paragraphs instead of two I think what you have works quite well! On the whole, an excellent essay, brush up the evaluation aspect and you'll be on a winner. Great work!!  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: king_sanj on May 25, 2016, 07:17:28 pm
Thanks so much for your time and effort Jamon! This feedback is super helpful  :D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Deng on May 28, 2016, 10:03:18 pm
Hey, was wondering if one of you guys could read my draft before its due on Monday and see where i can improve on

Evaluate the effectiveness of the law in resolving conflict in family relationships

A family is defined as the fundamental group of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State” under the Family Law Act 1975(CTH)(FLA). The laws governing conflict within family relationships in Australia are relatively effective in terms of divorce and the legal consequences of separation. The law is seen to be effective in these areas due to its ability to meet society’s needs, be accessible, protecting rights and resource efficient. In contrast, the laws governing domestic violence are ineffective due to the lack of enforceability. 

Laws governing divorce in Australia reflect society’s needs with the introduction of the ‘no-fault’ concept under the FLA. The legal termination of marriage only requires parties to state that there is an irretrievable breakdown of marriage, removing the previous need for spousal blame under the Matrimonial Causes Act 1959 (CTH)(MCA). This law reform has proven to be effective as it improved the ease and accessibility of divorce, meaning couples were no longer trapped in unhappy or dangerous unions. It also meant custody arrangements were not affected on the grounds of one party being ‘at fault’. The effects of reform saw divorce rates in 1975    jump from 13,000 to 63,320 in 1976 .  The FLA also saw the creation of a “kiss and makeup” clause which allowed parties to reconcile without having to restart the 12 month waiting period before applying for a divorce. The clause advised couples to attend alternate dispute resolutions before attending court ensuring a better outcome for both parties and being more resource efficient. The reform of the MCA reflects the laws ability to meet society’s needs.

The FLA effectively protects the rights of children in family conflict by placing the best interest of the child first. The FLA(Sect 55A)(CTH) and the Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility) Act 2006(CTH) reflects the FLA role through the creation of the Family Court. The Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility) created the notion of shared parental responsibility which attempts to create meaningful relationships with both parents resolving conflicts surrounding children. Furthermore, the Court can issue parenting orders under the Family Law Reform Act 1995 (CTH) Section 60CA where the court must regard the best interests of the child as the paramount consideration . This is demonstrated in in Harris v Harris(2009), where the mother requested the children live with her due to school, but under shared parental responsibility, the court issued a parenting order where the children would spend half the time at their fathers’. This reflects the laws effectiveness in resolving conflict between families surrounding children. However, under the FLA SECT60CC  , the court has the ability to determine a child’s best interest where a meaningful relationship with both parents may not exist. This was demonstrated in Lewis v Wackett where the court did not make a parenting order of shared cared when one of the parents were seen as a risks to the child thus overriding the notion . Overall, the court’s ability to determine the best interest of the child depicts its effectiveness in resolving conflict.

The Family Court has jurisdiction over property decisions under S.79 and S.75(2) of the FLA. Property is a reference to the financial aspects of a relationship which is a common cause of conflict. At the time of divorce both parties are given 12 months to settle any financial matters before the court will impose a decision. If a couple manages to reach a decision, they can have it enforced by the Court as a Consent Order. This is effective as it is resource efficient as it does not require court intervention. However, if a couple fails to reach an agreement, the court will split all assets 50/50 before taking into prior commitments such as financial position prior to marriage and contributions during marriage and future needs. The court’s ability to settle conflict surrounding property is reflected in Morre v Moore(2008), where the husband alleged the wife had failed to put in commitment towards the family and marriage, being distracted by interests outside of the family resulting in a revision of the Consent Order. The court’s role in property disputes demonstrates its effectiveness through the enforceability of its decisions.

The Court is an expensive measure thus limiting its effectiveness. An SMH article, “Australia's most expensive divorce: Woman fights $10.5m legal bill”   demonstrates how expensive litigation is. The legal system has attempted to fix this through the creation of the Family Circuit Court and Family Relationship Centres. The FCC has the same jurisdiction as the Family Court but for lesser matters, whilst the FRC is a form of ADR. This is seen as an effective way the law has attempted to be resource efficient. The efficiency of the FRC is seen in SMH article “Savings in Family Law” shows that the FRC’s are resource efficient for every $1 is equal to $1.48 in court time as well as having more cooperation between parties. The law’s increase access for families to resolve conflict reflects its ability to meet society’s needs.

In the area of domestic violence, the law has seen a decrease in its effectiveness in resolving conflict. The creation of ADVO’s through the Crimes (Domestic Violence)Amendment Act (1982)(CTH) can be seen as an ineffective measure in resolving conflict. “Call for war on domestic violence as half of all AVO’s fail”  show that “in the year to last September courts issued 26,491 domestic AVOs. According to the NSW Bureau of Crime Statistics and Research figures, there were 11,788 or 44% breaches.” . The article also highlights the increasing level of domestic violence and the laws inability to resolve this as “At the end of the day an AVO is a piece of paper” . There has been attempts to protect society through the Crimes (Domestic and Personal Violence) Act 2007(CTH), where police are now able to take out an AVO, making the recriminations against police rather than the victim. However, the statistics above show that an AVOS lack enforceability and the deterrent itself do not deter recidivism. This was seen in the recent Leila Alavi case where she was murdered despite an ADVO on her husband. Thus, the lack of enforceability of ADVO’s demonstrates the laws ineffectiveness in resolving conflict surrounding domestic violence.

Australia’s laws can be seen as effective in resolving conflict in family relationships. However, due to the increasing number of domestic violence and the decreasing effectiveness of the legislation surrounding it, it limits the effectiveness. The law deals with divorce and the legal separation of marriage effectively and efficiently, however the price of litigation can deny some families access.

Thanks!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 29, 2016, 01:02:57 pm
Quote from: Deng on May 28, 2016, 10:03:18 pm
Hey, was wondering if one of you guys could read my draft before its due on Monday and see where i can improve on

Hey Deng! Welcome to the forums, I'd be happy to provide some feedback! Essay is attached in the spoiler below with comments throughout:

Spoiler
Evaluate the effectiveness of the law in resolving conflict in family relationships


A family is defined as the fundamental group of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State” under the Family Law Act 1975(CTH)(FLA). The laws governing conflict within family relationships in Australia are relatively effective in terms of divorce and the legal consequences of separation. I'd like to see a more sophisticated opening than a definition of family (everyone does this). Perhaps instead talk about WHY conflict emerges in family relationships, thus leading into the necessity of the law in addressing it. The law is seen to be effective in these areas due to its ability to meet society’s needs, be accessible, protecting rights and resource efficient. In contrast, the laws governing domestic violence are ineffective due to the lack of enforceability.  Nice, succinct Thesis here and good integration of judgement with criteria, nice! I would try to integrate a list of what you will be discussing in each paragraph, just as a structural fix.

Laws governing divorce in Australia reflect society’s needs with the introduction of the ‘no-fault’ concept under the FLA. Try to make your judgement in each area apparent from the get go, it should be the focus of each topic sentence! The legal termination of marriage only requires parties to state that there is an irretrievable breakdown of marriage, removing the previous need for spousal blame under the Matrimonial Causes Act 1959 (CTH)(MCA). Remember that your marker knows about this content already, they don't need this info, they only want analysis! This law reform has proven to be effective as it improved the ease and accessibility of divorce, meaning couples were no longer trapped in unhappy or dangerous unions. It also meant custody arrangements were not affected on the grounds of one party being ‘at fault’. The effects of reform saw divorce rates in 1975 jump from 13,000 to 63,320 in 1976 . Excellent inclusion of a statistic to prove your evaluation, fabulous! The FLA also saw the creation of a “kiss and makeup” clause which allowed parties to reconcile without having to restart the 12 month waiting period before applying for a divorce. The clause advised couples to attend alternate dispute resolutions before attending court ensuring a better outcome for both parties and being more resource efficient. The reform of the MCA reflects the laws ability to meet society’s needs. Overall a very nice paragraph! I would trade some of the description of the laws for more analysis and evidence, the content does nothing for you. Make the judgement obvious in the conclusion!

The FLA effectively protects the rights of children in family conflict by placing the best interest of the child first. Better, included a judgement this time, nice!  The FLA(Sect 55A)(CTH) and the Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility) Act 2006(CTH) reflects the FLA role through the creation of the Family Court. The Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility) created the notion of shared parental responsibility which attempts to create meaningful relationships with both parents resolving conflicts surrounding children. Furthermore, the Court can issue parenting orders under the Family Law Reform Act 1995 (CTH) Section 60CA where the court must regard the best interests of the child as the paramount consideration . Again too much content and not enough judgement and analysis! This is demonstrated in in Harris v Harris(2009), where the mother requested the children live with her due to school, but under shared parental responsibility, the court issued a parenting order where the children would spend half the time at their fathers’. This reflects the laws effectiveness in resolving conflict between families surrounding children. Nice case inclusion, but again, try and shorten the case description and blend your judgement to make it one sentence. Succinct = Powerful. However, under the FLA SECT60CC  , the court has the ability to determine a child’s best interest where a meaningful relationship with both parents may not exist. This was demonstrated in Lewis v Wackett where the court did not make a parenting order of shared cared when one of the parents were seen as a risks to the child thus overriding the notion . Overall, the court’s ability to determine the best interest of the child depicts its effectiveness in resolving conflict. Another effective paragraph, and this one adds the judgement in the conclusion, you are proving your points quite well.

The Family Court has jurisdiction over property decisions under S.79 and S.75(2) of the FLA. Property is a reference to the financial aspects of a relationship which is a common cause of conflict. At the time of divorce both parties are given 12 months to settle any financial matters before the court will impose a decision. If a couple manages to reach a decision, they can have it enforced by the Court as a Consent Order. Replace those four sentences with an evaluative introduction, and then one brief sentence describing everything you just said. The marker knows what property is, knows about the 12 month cooling off period for divorce, etc. This is effective as it is resource efficient as it does not require court intervention. However, if a couple fails to reach an agreement, the court will split all assets 50/50 before taking into prior commitments such as financial position prior to marriage and contributions during marriage and future needs. Thus showing effectiveness/ineffectiveness? The court’s ability to settle conflict surrounding property is reflected in Morre v Moore(2008), where the husband alleged the wife had failed to put in commitment towards the family and marriage, being distracted by interests outside of the family resulting in a revision of the Consent Order. The court’s role in property disputes demonstrates its effectiveness through the enforceability of its decisions. This paragraph doesn't have a strong analysis or evaluation, it is mostly content. Definitely not to the same standard as the first two.

The Court is an expensive measure thus limiting its effectiveness. An SMH article, “Australia's most expensive divorce: Woman fights $10.5m legal bill”   demonstrates how expensive litigation is. The legal system has attempted to fix this through the creation of the Family Circuit Court and Family Relationship Centres. The FCC has the same jurisdiction as the Family Court but for lesser matters, whilst the FRC is a form of ADR. This is seen as an effective way the law has attempted to be resource efficient. The efficiency of the FRC is seen in SMH article “Savings in Family Law” shows that the FRC’s are resource efficient for every $1 is equal to $1.48 in court time as well as having more cooperation between parties. The law’s increase access for families to resolve conflict reflects its ability to meet society’s needs. I would like to see more evidence here, perhaps integrating some cases, it just seems very bare compared to the length of your other paragraphs? The evaluation however, is quite good!

In the area of domestic violence, the law has seen a decrease in its effectiveness in resolving conflict. Nice topic sentence! The creation of ADVO’s through the Crimes (Domestic Violence)Amendment Act (1982)(CTH) can be seen as an ineffective measure in resolving conflict. “Call for war on domestic violence as half of all AVO’s fail”  show that “in the year to last September courts issued 26,491 domestic AVOs. According to the NSW Bureau of Crime Statistics and Research figures, there were 11,788 or 44% breaches.” . The article also highlights the increasing level of domestic violence and the laws inability to resolve this as “At the end of the day an AVO is a piece of paper” . Absolutely fantastic analysis there, excellent! It works better without content description! There has been attempts to protect society through the Crimes (Domestic and Personal Violence) Act 2007(CTH), where police are now able to take out an AVO, making the recriminations against police rather than the victim. However, the statistics above show that an AVOS lack enforceability and the deterrent itself do not deter recidivism. This was seen in the recent Leila Alavi case where she was murdered despite an ADVO on her husband. Try to use the proper referencing style where possible. Thus, the lack of enforceability of ADVO’s demonstrates the laws ineffectiveness in resolving conflict surrounding domestic violence. This is a great, fantastic paragraph.

Australia’s laws can be seen as effective in resolving conflict in family relationships. However, due to the increasing number of domestic violence and the decreasing effectiveness of the legislation surrounding it, it limits the effectiveness. The law deals with divorce and the legal separation of marriage effectively and efficiently, however the price of litigation can deny some families access. Nice succinct conclusion, awesome!

This essay is absolutely fantastic Deng! Very very effective analysis in most sections (particularly your last paragraph) and good inclusion of judgement. Nice Intro and conclusion, good structure (though I'd like to see you set out the topics of your paragraph in the intro, and I think the "cost of courts" paragraph feels lacking and out of place).

The main improvement I would suggest is to remember that your marker is a Legal Studies teacher. They know the content. They know what legal terminology means. You do not need to define your terminology or go into detail about what a law covers. Your focus should be analysis and evaluation, you should NEVER mention anything without making some kind of judgement on it for a question like this. It won't contribute to your mark, and thus, it is wasted time  ;D

On the whole, an absolutely fantastic essay! Read my comments throughout and let me know if anything needs clarification, good luck for tomorrow!  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Deng on May 29, 2016, 02:35:19 pm
I edited my property paragraph i guess but i still dont think i gave enough of an analysis and not sure what else to chuck in. Was wondering what could i add to make this paragraph up to par

The jurisdiction and power of the Family Court over property decisions are under S.79/S.75(2) of FLA illustrating the enforceability of the law in resolving conflict. Conflict surrounding property can either be settled in court or outside of court through ratifying a Consent order. A consent order can be seen as resource effective due to the reduction of court time thus effective. However, if a couple fails to reach an agreement, the court will split all assets 50/50 before taking into prior commitments such as financial position prior to marriage and contributions during marriage and future needs. Thus again showing the effectiveness of the law in resolving conflict surrounding property. The court’s ability to settle conflict surrounding property is reflected in Morre v Moore(2008), where the husband alleged the wife had failed to put in commitment towards the family and marriage, being distracted by interests outside of the family resulting in a revision of the Consent Order. The court’s role in property disputes demonstrates its effectiveness through the enforceability of its decisions.

Thanks
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 29, 2016, 02:49:14 pm
Quote from: Deng on May 29, 2016, 02:35:19 pm
I edited my property paragraph i guess but i still dont think i gave enough of an analysis and not sure what else to chuck in. Was wondering what could i add to make this paragraph up to par

Cool! Some brief comments:

Spoiler
The jurisdiction and power of the Family Court over property decisions are under S.79/S.75(2) of FLA illustrating the enforceability of the law in resolving conflict. This is good, but try and start with a more general statement of effectiveness. This topic sentence restricts you to discussing enforceability only. Conflict surrounding property can either be settled in court or outside of court through ratifying a Consent order. This is content description, unnecessary for marks! A consent order can be seen as resource effective due to the reduction of court time thus effective. Little iffy wording there, and, what is effective about it? However, if a couple fails to reach an agreement, the court will split all assets 50/50 before taking into prior commitments such as financial position prior to marriage and contributions during marriage and future needs. More content description, you can remove it! Thus again showing the effectiveness of the law in resolving conflict surrounding property. The court’s ability to settle conflict surrounding property is reflected in Morre v Moore(2008), where the husband alleged the wife had failed to put in commitment towards the family and marriage, being distracted by interests outside of the family resulting in a revision of the Consent Order. The court’s role in property disputes demonstrates its effectiveness through the enforceability of its decisions. You have discussed things besides enforceability.

This paragraph does need something more to sustain effective analysis. Perhaps look at including another case, or talk about how accessibility has been improved for property matters involving De Facto couples? The Property (Relationships) Act 1984 (NSW) would be worth discussing, for example. Do some experimenting with those ideas, just remember to focus on analysis!  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Deng on May 29, 2016, 02:56:30 pm
Should i just focus on the Property Relationships ACt? i had a part about it but i removed it because i was over the word limit
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 29, 2016, 02:58:02 pm
Quote from: Deng on May 29, 2016, 02:56:30 pm
Should i just focus on the Property Relationships ACt? i had a part about it but i removed it because i was over the word limit

Potentially! It's up to what you feel more comfortable discussing in that paragraph, there is definitely lots in that act  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Deng on May 29, 2016, 03:29:26 pm
I reworked my old paragraph but i cant seem to find any case/media articles on it

Constant law reform for same-sex relationships has seen increased effectiveness of the law in resolving conflict. The Property (Relationships) Act 1999(NSW) was reformed to allow same-sex couples to be considered de-facto giving them rights in regards to property division. Prior to this act, the surviving partner would have to lodge a claim under the Family Provisions Act 1982(NSW) as a dependant. This reflects the effectiveness of the law, as same-sex couples had the same access to the law as with heterosexual families. Furthermore, the Family Law Amendment (De Facto Financial Matters and other Measures) Act 2008(CTH) gave equality for same-sex couples under family law by allowing access to Courts for property settlement nationwide. The ability for same-sex couples to access Federal courts whilst disputing property matters highlights the increasing effectiveness of the law when dealing with conflict surrounding same-sex families. Thus the law can be perceived to be increasingly effective when dealing with property matters of same-sex couples.

Thanks
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 29, 2016, 03:37:12 pm
Quote from: Deng on May 29, 2016, 03:29:26 pm
I reworked my old paragraph but i cant seem to find any case/media articles on it

Constant law reform for same-sex relationships has seen increased effectiveness of the law in resolving conflict. The Property (Relationships) Act 1999(NSW) was reformed to allow same-sex couples to be considered de-facto giving them rights in regards to property division. Prior to this act, the surviving partner would have to lodge a claim under the Family Provisions Act 1982(NSW) as a dependant. This reflects the effectiveness of the law, as same-sex couples had the same access to the law as with heterosexual families. Furthermore, the Family Law Amendment (De Facto Financial Matters and other Measures) Act 2008(CTH) gave equality for same-sex couples under family law by allowing access to Courts for property settlement nationwide. The ability for same-sex couples to access Federal courts whilst disputing property matters highlights the increasing effectiveness of the law when dealing with conflict surrounding same-sex families. Thus the law can be perceived to be increasingly effective when dealing with property matters of same-sex couples.

Thanks

That paragraph works quite well! I think you could work on making your expression a little more succinct by removing some of the content, for example:

In recognition of same sex relationships, the Property (Relationships) Legislation Amendment Act 1999 was a vital improvement over the Family Provisions Act 1982 (NSW), allowing same sex couples the same rights as heterosexual de factos, thus...[/b]

This is only if the word limit is proving an issue for you, otherwise what you did works well  ;D I think this paragraph is still a little lacking though, you'd need just a tiny bit more, perhaps address the Marriage Equality Issue? Otherwise, bring your property paragraph back and just used some of this stuff as an example?  :D

Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Son of Thatcher on June 01, 2016, 06:21:31 am
Hello again guys!

I was just wondering whether you would be able to look at this essay sometime today. I don't mean to pressure you but it's due tomorrow and I would really like some feedback. Don't worry, if you guys are busy I totally understand - I shouldn't have left it to the last minute!

The question is on workplace law and is written inside the document. I know this sounds shallow but what I would particularly like to know is whether it is band 6 material. If not, what improvements could be made to make it so?

Thanks again!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 01, 2016, 11:43:47 am
Quote from: Son of Thatcher on June 01, 2016, 06:21:31 am
Hello again guys!

I was just wondering whether you would be able to look at this essay sometime today. I don't mean to pressure you but it's due tomorrow and I would really like some feedback. Don't worry, if you guys are busy I totally understand - I shouldn't have left it to the last minute!

The question is on workplace law and is written inside the document. I know this sounds shallow but what I would particularly like to know is whether it is band 6 material. If not, what improvements could be made to make it so?

Thanks again!

Hey Thatcher! No worries, I'll have a quick read now for you! I didn't do Workplace so my feedback might not be quite as useful as it could be, but I'll do my best!  ;D

Spoiler
It is true to a significant extent that law reform has been, on balance, generally effective in addressing workplace discrimination, particularly over the preceding 40 years. I'd like to see a little sentence on exactly what law reform is in the area of workplace discrimination (responding to shifting social values and all that), just to give your argument a bit of context from the get go. Also, "on balance," sounds a little off there. Through domestic, international, common and statute law and in response to changing community values, law reform has revolved around a concerted effort to eliminate workplace discrimination, partial or unjust treatment of certain people based on particular attributes. Nevertheless, while gender and racial discrimination are where these efforts have been most prominent, law reform has been more effective in reducing other types of discrimination. I'd like a more conclusive judgement, like a, "Thus, on the whole, ..." Also a list of what your discussing in each paragraph would be a good inclusion! Besides that, excellent intro!

It is irrefutable that gender discrimination has been a key target of law reform, with partial success. Excellent! Internationally, the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR), proclaimed in 1948, was the first major effort in enunciating a common commitment to gender equality in the workplace. Under Article 23 which states ‘everyone, without any discrimination, has a right to equal pay for equal work’, the act was a clear example of international law reform, which although largely unenforceable, acted an an unequivocal guide for individual nations, particularly Australia, to legislate on in the future. A further, more targeted approach, this time, by the Commonwealth government was evident with the passage of the Sex Discrimination Act 1984 (Cth) which theoretically outlawed any direct discrimination on the basis of sex, including sexual harassment and pregnancy discrimination. This is evident in Roberts v King (2009) where an apprentice hairdresser was verbally abused for seeking time off due to her pregnancy. As a result, the woman was awarded over $10 000 in damages, highlighting the efficacy of this act. Fantastic analysis, I'd like to see slightly more evaluation happening earlier on, you hint at the ineffectiveness of the UDHR (unenforceable), examine that specifically. On the other hand, although the act was effective in enshrining into statute law the government’s commitment to law reform, evidence illustrates that the act has failed to eliminate gender discrimination. I'd like to see a slightly more conclusive end to this paragraph before you jump into the negatives.

It has been discovered that despite being offered tentative protection under this act, women, who mainly experience gender discrimination, were still being treated unfavourably because of their gender (‘Discrimination Law Fails Pregnant Women Who Lose their Jobs’, 2016, The Conversation). This is further reinforced by a 2014 survey conducted by the Australian Human Rights Commission where over half of its respondents admitted to experiencing ‘some form of unfavourable treatment during pregnancy, maternity leave or on return’, with only 4% of respondents actually reporting this to a government body. Good inclusion of statistics here.. This has occurred despite being in total opposition the United Nations’ 17 Sustainable Development Goals to ‘eliminate all forms of discrimination against all women and girls everywhere’. Further, the extent of the gender discrimination would also seem to indicate that in recent years and despite initial success, the aforementioned act has largely been ineffective in providing the requisite legal mechanisms for those complaining of gender discrimination to feel as though they can be safely heard. Thus it is clear that law reform while initially successful, has been in recent years, partly ineffective and non-responsive in alleviating gender discrimination in the workplace. Fabulous argument, excellent work.

Furthermore, law reform has also focused on eliminating racial discrimination in the workplace, again with only some efficacy. The first major stride in attempting to address racial workplace discrimination was the International Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination which entered into force in 1969 and of which Australia is a signatory of. Little messy in wording in that last phrase. Although a largely symbolic gesture due to the convention’s lack of enforcement procedures, it was nonetheless an effective first step in demonstrating a global commitment to racial equality, especially in the workplace. Good. The Racial Discrimination Act 1975 (Cth) introduced by the Whitlam government was the first manifestation of law reform dedicated to eliminating racial discrimination in the workplace, prohibiting the treatment of different people on the basis of membership to a particular cultural or ethnic group. Not that you need to take it out, but the "Whitlam government" bit is unnecessary, it won't do anything for your mark. Under sections 15 and 16 of the act, racial discrimination in the workplace with respect to employment and the advertising of employment respectively, was unequivocally banned. This act, reflecting a growing desire to recognise racial equality in all aspects of Australian society, was a moderately effective measure in tackling racial discrimination in the workplace, explicitly outlawing the practice and instituting punishments for violations. This principle of racial equality was upheld in Abdulrahman v Toll Pty Ltd (2006) where it was found that the plaintiff had been referred to as ‘Osama Bin laden’ while working at the company, Toll Express. As a consequence, the court ruled that racial discrimination had indeed occurred and the plaintiff was awarded damages of $25 000 plus court costs. Make a judgement of effectiveness for this case.

However, there is still nonetheless a high incidence of racial discrimination in the workplace, therefore highlighting the act’s partial ineffectiveness. A 2012 report by Balance Recruitment, found that of the 1 000 workers surveyed, 30% stated they had experienced racism firsthand in the workplace while a further 72% believed racism existed in their industry. This finding is therefore illustrative of a broader weakness in statute law to adequately deter racial discrimination in the workplace, further highlighting the act’s ineffectiveness. Hence, it is evident that law reform has been partly successful in reducing racial discrimination in the workplace. I feel like these paragraphs would benefit from being a little more succinct with your wording (perhaps removing some description of what the laws do, which is mostly unnecessary, you don't need more than a phrase or even half a phrase) and blending the positives and negatives together, integrating a little more.

Moreover, other forms of workplace discrimination have also been the subject of law reform, to much greater success. The Anti-Discrimination Act 1977 (NSW) passed by the Wran government was the first meaningful stride aimed at eliminating all forms of discrimination including that of sexual orientation, age and disability. The act was therefore considerably effective in attempting to prohibit discrimination in the workplace, not only reflecting a change in community attitudes, but an attempt to guide them. This act also introduced the Anti-Discrimination Board of NSW, a statutory body designed to administer the act while promoting ‘equal opportunity principles’. This body is effective as a product of law reform in addressing workplace discrimination, chiefly due to it’s capacity to achieve justice by being able to reward up to $40 000 in compensation. I'd like to see something a little more clever here, this is just a description of its capability. Is it enforceable? Accessible? Nevertheless, although the act had been a mostly effective first step, its non-specific focus, extending well beyond the workplace and focusing on many types of discrimination, meant that it was partly ineffective. This is a little bit vague, how is targeting discrimination broadly ineffective? Try and give a specific example to back yourself up.

However, this weakness was addressed by subsequent legislation. This is evident in The Fair Work Act 2009 (Cth) which outlawed the discrimination of those because of their sexual preference, the Disability Discrimination Act 1992 (Cth), forbidding discrimination based on disability, whether it be physical or mental and the Age Discrimination Act 2004 (Cth) which made it illegal to force an employee to return due to age. Collectively, these acts are representative of the responsiveness of the legal system, specifically addressing several many types of discrimination, especially in the workplace and ensuring that there exists adequate legal protections. Thus, other forms of discrimination are an apt illustration of the effectiveness of law reform in addressing workplace discrimination. This type of broad analysis (listing a lot with little detail) is usually less effective, but you back it up elsewhere, so this works nicely. I'd still like to see a case inclusion in this section.

In summation, it is evidently clear that on the whole, law reform has been mostly effective in eliminating workplace discrimination, instituting many fundamental measures that essentially safeguard potential victims. Nevertheless, despite many years of trying, there remains areas in need of further reform. This conclusion needs a little more beef. Re-state the importance of law reform, go into the argument you have explored properly. the conclusion should be at least half as long as your Thesis (in my opinion).


Is this Band 6 material? I don't really like saying this sort of thing, I'm not a HSC marker and so take my opinion with several large grains of salt. However, yeah, I think you have a Band 6 essay here!! For me I'd say it is sitting in the low Band 6 range (keeping in mind I didn't study this Option), so fantastic work!! ;D

To push yourself up further, it's mostly little things. Ensuring you have evaluation CONSTANTLY throughout the essay, a few little structural qualms, and maybe a few more bits of evidence (one more case in the final paragraphs would suit well, and perhaps some more media inclusion, reports and legislation/treaties are excellent), just to prove that you know your stuff to a exemplary level. To make room if you need to keep below a word count, you can drop back on exactly what each law does, remember the marker knows this content. You can mention the law, describe its intention with a single phrase, and move on, just about being a little more succinct in a few places (most of the time you are fantastic)  ;D

That said, I'm totally nitpicking, this is a bloody fantastic essay and you should be super super proud of what you've done!! I'd be very surprised if this didn't score a Band 6 level result  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Son of Thatcher on June 01, 2016, 12:48:13 pm
Thanks so much for the prompt response and such detailed feedback! It really is appreciated!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Jimmy Barnes on June 03, 2016, 12:45:29 pm
This is a state sovereignty question I have done, but it is my first World Order essay ever and I am sure there are a bunch of areas that can be improved, would you be able to have a look over it and give me some basic pointers?

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated - BTW big thanks to the stall you guys had at the HSC expo earlier this day, it was a godsend
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 03, 2016, 04:32:04 pm
Quote from: Jimmy Barnes on June 03, 2016, 12:45:29 pm
This is a state sovereignty question I have done, but it is my first World Order essay ever and I am sure there are a bunch of areas that can be improved, would you be able to have a look over it and give me some basic pointers?

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated - BTW big thanks to the stall you guys had at the HSC expo earlier this day, it was a godsend

Hey Jimmy, welcome to the forums!! Thanks for coming to see us, we feel very loved  :D

Absolutely, essay is attached with comments throughout in bold!  :D

Spoiler
Examine the role of sovereignty in assisting or impeding situations that threaten peace and security.

As set out by the Montevideo Convention in 1933, Sovereignty refers to the authority held by nation states to create laws within their territorial jurisdiction and a state’s ability to make treaties with other states. State sovereignty, as addressed in Ban Ki Moon’s quote provided, is a fundamental principle of international order. However, as alluded to in this quote, state sovereignty is a double-edged sword and can be used to assist or impede situations worldwide that threaten peace and security, thus sovereignty is only somewhat successful in this pursuit. This assertion is exemplified through numerous world order situations, including the gradual disarmament of the US and USSR along with worldwide disarmament which assist peace, but are threatened by issues such as nuclear proliferation and testing in North Korea along with the inability to regulate nuclear armaments, as seen in Iran. Stellar introduction!! Not much I can recommend here, you could add one extra sentence to the end that is a bit more "conclusive," something like a, "Therefore, state sovereignty can be viewed as ______", or, "Thus, it becomes clear that _______." Just to wrap it up in a nice little bow.

State sovereignty has assisted in situations that threaten peace and security through the disarmament of nuclear weaponry between the US and USSR. State sovereignty gave both the superpowers of the US and the USSR the ability to do what they pleased; however due to bilateral treaties between the two such as START 1 (1991) (Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty) and SORT (2002) (Strategic Offence Reduction Treaty), both countries have reduced their nuclear arsenals since 1991 by exercising their sovereign right to enact these treaties. Due to the inherent nature of nuclear weapons, they threaten peace and security at an international level, therefore both superpower states not using their ‘sovereignty … as a wall’ allows for a higher degree of safety in the international community. Inherent may not be the best word choice there. These bilateral treaties between both the US and USSR have reduced the amount of nuclear weapons stockpiled in the countries, however a new initiative know as New START (2010) (Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty) aims to continue this nuclear disarmament between the US and the USSR, decreasing the remaining nuclear warheads down two-thirds of what they are currently. Be careful to be succinct, and non repetitious, you mentioned 'reduction of nuclear arsenals' twice. Expression is great in general, try making your statements even more succinct to make room for more evidence. Both states exercised state sovereignty to assist the current threat of the nuclear situation through their gradual nuclear disarmament. This is an excellent paragraph! Perhaps a little bit more evidence needed to really make it impressive, but it is quite a narrow focus in this part of the essay, so perhaps not, aha! What you are discussing here (as well as the fact that it is important for nation states to not use state sovereignty as a barrier to cooperation) is the idea that state sovereignty enables nation states to conduct negotiation and engage in bilateral treaty agreements, try and make this a little more clear, and perhaps even reference the part of the UN Charter that allows this.

Due to the nature of state sovereignty, it gives way for contingencies that impede situations that already threaten peace and security, as is the case in the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea who use their state sovereignty as ‘a wall or a shield’ to allow for nuclear proliferation and testing. North Korea routinely exercises their state sovereignty, most notably in their continued testing of nuclear weapons after withdrawing from the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty 1968. As detailed in this media article, “North Korea Withdraws From Nuclear Treaty” (The Guardian 2003). Link this into the next sentence. State sovereignty allows the DPRK to continue the construction of nuclear weapons, despite various attempts from the Security Council to dissuade them through resolutions such as S/RES/2094, which is ‘demanding that the DPRK immediately retract its announcement from the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty’. However, due to state sovereignty, the DPRK is able exercise their sovereign right to govern as they see fit, rendering both the treaty and resolution obsolete. To really take your essay far, try and abstract this evidence a bit, what does this specific situation regarding North Korea showing us about the limitations of state sovereignty? What effect does it have on international law? This proliferation of nuclear weapons is beginning to threaten peace and security, as depicted in the media article, “North Korea readying another nuclear bomb for test – Kim Jong Un” (The Guardian 2016) as the DPRK continually tests their atmospheric devices, causing unrest throughout the international community, as seen in “China Warns North Korea Nuclear Threat Is Rising” (2015), which emphasises the abuse of state sovereignty and the political will of the DPRK to ignore international laws.

The nuclear threat is currently a situation that threatens peace and security at an international level, therefore the persistent disarmament worldwide due to states exercising their state sovereignty and adhering to the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty 1968 is a testament to the crucial role state sovereignty plays in assisting situations that threaten peace and security. This treaty has reduced the current extent of nuclear weaponry worldwide as the treaty currently has 190 signatories. This could be expressed a little more clearly, maybe even just by adding "as evidenced by the 190 signatories." Just seems ever so slightly askew right now. This treaty ceased all nuclear weapon creation, in combination with the Comprehensive Treaty 1996 (CTBT), which bans all nuclear explosions in all environments. State sovereignty has yet again assisted in reducing the current nuclear situation that threatens peace and security as of the 182 signatories to the CTBT, 157 have ratified it. These 157 states that have ratified it have exercised their right to state sovereignty to assist in minimising the nuclear threat, as they don’t view their sovereignty as ‘a wall or a shield’. However, countries that aren’t signatories to the convention and haven’t ratified it, such as India, Pakistan and Israel, as seen in ‘India is Building A Top Secret Nuclear City To Produce Thermonuclear Weapons, Experts Say’ (Foreign Policy 2016), demonstrating the ability to negate internationally recognised conventions and impede situations that threaten peace and security as nation states aren’t required to become signatories due to their sovereignty. I'd break this last sentence into two parts, its quite loaded! Doing this will also give you a more definite conclusion to the paragraph; you should always have finished stating your last idea, then conclude separately to that (new sentence).

Another aspect of the sovereignty, which impedes situations that threaten peace and security is that it makes the regulations of armaments nigh impossible. Something feels a little strange about calling it "the sovereignty." This is exemplified in The International Weapons of Mass Destruction Commission’s report, Weapons of Terror: Freeing the World of Nuclear, Biological and Chemical arms” (2006), where the commission says that the Security Council has not achieved its role in creating ‘a system for the regulation of armaments’. State sovereignty makes this ‘system’ impossible to achieve, and any regulation causes disputes, as seen in ‘Downed US Drone: How Iran Caught The Beast’ (CS Monitor 2011), which depicts America’s encroachment into Iran’s jurisdiction to monitor their nuclear facilities through the use of a drone, which was hijacked by Iran. Another sentence that could do with a cut in half. Further, WHY does state sovereignty make the system impossible to achieve? Exactly what element causes the issue? Flesh your examination out just that little bit more. This incident has inflated tensions between the two states, as seen in ‘Iran Warns Further US Drone Invasions Will Trigger ‘Frightful’ Response Targeting US Bases Worldwide’ (Environmentalists Against War 2011), which highlights the inflamed relations between Iran and the US as Iran uses their sovereignty as ‘a wall’ and ‘a shield’ to protect from investigation into their speculated proliferation of nuclear armaments, further impeding the nuclear threat and threaten global peace and security. Again, try a conclusion that is completely separate from the ideas you are exploring, you should have a sentence at the end exclusively for concluding.

While the basal role of state sovereignty is the authority of a nation state to govern itself without interference, this role is often ineffective in the assistance of situations that threaten peace and security despite the odd situation where sovereignty proves useful in aiding situations that threaten peace and security. You definitely need a bit more meat in this conclusion. Mention what you've discussed, and the sorts of patterns that have arisen in your examination that lead you to the conclusion you have stated. Try and get 3-4 sentences in a conclusion so your argument is properly summarised.

This definitely doesn't LOOK like your first world order essay, in fact its really incredible! Brilliant argument that is sustained quite effectively throughout, although I would like to see you flesh out some conclusions about state sovereignty a little more effectively. Take the specific situation you are examining, and use it to draw some kind of conclusion about state sovereignty impedes/assists threatening situations AS A WHOLE. You do this in areas, but I'd like to see a little bit more of it.

Your LCTMR is fantastic; heaps of media articles, lots of treaties (cases are hard in World Order). Be careful (and this links to above), that you don't just use the media article to do the work for you. You need to give your own examination and analysis as well, for example:

State sovereignty makes this ‘system’ impossible to achieve, and any regulation causes disputes, as seen in ‘Downed US Drone: How Iran Caught The Beast’ (CS Monitor 2011), which depicts America’s encroachment into Iran’s jurisdiction to monitor their nuclear facilities through the use of a drone, which was hijacked by Iran.

Here, I'd like to see you examine WHY state sovereignty has caused an issue, be explicit with your examinations. As a side note, you also don't need to go into great detail with your media inclusions/case studies, a single phrase description is more than enough, the marker wants to see YOUR examination of the situation, not the general details.

You have an excellent structure, a few little qualms I had but nothing that urgent, mostly just little ways to add some cut and polish to the response.

On the whole, bloody brilliant, I don't have any "basic pointers" for you because you are spot on the right track! Scratch that, you are pretty much there already!

In addition, I would explore some other arguments that you can make in the essay; you focus quite heavily on nuclear weapons. That is cool, you have done it REALLY well, but there is a lot to discuss here (inter-state conflicts, international civil disputes and the International Court of Justice, extradition treaties (if you frame it correctly)). This may let you bring in new types of evidence and discuss state sovereignty in new ways. Totally not required, just an idea  ;D

Great work Jimmy, this is a fantastic essay  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Jimmy Barnes on June 04, 2016, 10:29:00 am
Thanks for the detailed response, I really appreciate it and have made a fair few changes for the better. I was wondering if you would be able to critique another essay of mine as I am having extreme difficulty in structuring a cohesive response to the question.

Any help would be appreciated whatsoever

¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 06, 2016, 12:08:13 am
Quote from: Jimmy Barnes on June 04, 2016, 10:29:00 am
Thanks for the detailed response, I really appreciate it and have made a fair few changes for the better. I was wondering if you would be able to critique another essay of mine as I am having extreme difficulty in structuring a cohesive response to the question.

Any help would be appreciated whatsoever

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Welcome back, great to hear!! Yep absolutely, it's attached below with some comments throughout!

Spoiler
Using at least 1 contemporary issue to demonstrate, evaluate the impact of changing values and ethical standards on world order, integrating the following quote:
“The United Nations has committed itself to moving from a culture of "reaction" to "prevention", to work Member States as well as civil society to pursue comprehensive strategies that address more immediate as well as deep-rooted structural causes of conflict.”

Changing values and ethical standards in regard to world order have had a prodigious impact on the success of global cooperation in achieving world order. Cool start! I'd like to see you elaborate on this a little more, likely integrating the above quote. This prodigious impact due to these changing values and standards however, has been both useful and detrimental, as seen in the UN’s involvement in East Timor, which has had variegated outcomes for the people of East Timor. Slightly messy wording at the start of this sentence. This intro definitely needs more 'meat' to it; list your arguments, elaborate on your points, and importantly, make your evaluation clear from the start.

The success of global cooperation in achieving world order has been increased due to changing values and ethical standards, as there is now a more contemporary focus on nearby countries addressing ‘immediate causes of conflict’. Great! This has been a new standard set by The World Summit in 2005 with the acceptance of R2P, however the East Timor conflict occurred half a decade previously, exemplifying that these changing values and ethical standards had been emerging before they were legislated. A slightly convoluted argument here, and remember to define the R2P abbreviation before you use it. This is exemplified through the UNSC’s issuing of S/RES/1264 which dictated that a force was to be sent into East Timor during the 1999 to deal with the conflict arising from pro-Indonesian militias. This resolution engendered the group known as INTERFET (International Force for East Timor), which won world wide appraise for its quelling of the violence, addressing ‘immediate causes of conflict’. This was reified by the ABC night transcript, ‘INTERFET Mission Draws To a Close’ (ABC 2000) which was released only months after the initial use of peacekeeping, exemplifying the success of global cooperation in achieving world order in East Timor through the UN, Australia and New Zealand, thus displaying the prodigious impact of addressing ‘immediate causes of conflict’. Nice inclusion of evidence and evaluation. After stopping the initial violence in East Timor, other issues were targeted, as explicitly stated in ‘East Timor Hailed a UN Success’ (The Australian 2012). These initial peacekeeping operations paved the path for East Timor’s reconstruction and recovery through global cooperation based around changing values and ethical standards regarding R2P. I think your evidence here is great, but the argument doesn't quite sit right with me. It seems you want to construct this argument around R2P, be sure to properly define the argument in that way, explain the principle, go that extra mile to really lay it out nicely.

Global cooperation has had great success through the immense impact elicited from the integration of changing values and ethical standards, such as addressing the fundamental issues affecting world order in East Timor. This can be seen through the cooperation of various countries in establishing East-Timor as an independent state after years of Indonesian occupation. I like that you are evaluating in your topic sentences, but I think what is throwing me about these arguments is, what ARE the changing values and standards you are referencing. That's what is missing for me. This was originally addressed by the UNSC who created S/RES/1246 which allowed for a ‘Ballot to Decide On Special Autonomy for East Timor’ which aimed to fix the ‘deep-rooted structural causes of conflict’ as it would allow the people to vote for an independent country, with over 78% voting for independence, creating pro-Indonesian violence. The initial violence was dealt with as stated in the previous paragraph, but afterwards various resolutions such as S/RES/1704 and S/RES/1867 were used to rebuild the country through extending UN operations based on reparations. This targeting of ‘deep-rooted structural causes of conflict’ was done through global cooperation, with Australia providing aid through police officers, millions of dollars, creating over 32000 jobs and supply aid and water to places of issue, as seen in “New Aid Strategy to Help East Timor” (The Age 2010). It is through this successful global cooperation that world order is achieved, as it has a monumental impact by integrating changing values and ethical standards by addressing the fundamental issues impeding world order.

Despite both these seemingly sanguine results from changing values and ethical standards revolving around a form of R2P and addressing fundamental issues, the global cooperation in East-Timor wasn’t an all-round success by any means. The formation of an International War Crimes Tribunal was used to prosecute the pro-Indonesian fuelled violence in East-Timor, however this was hailed as a failure despite convicting 84 mid-level Timorese leaders as the senior militia commanders fled to Indonesia, as stated to in ‘Evaluating the Timor-Leste Peace Operation” (Journal of International Peacekeeping 2010). Nice evidence linked to media, you never fail here. This failure to convict the senior leaders stemmed from a lack of global cooperation as Indonesia provided impunity and sanctuary for them, therefore the main instigators of the conflict were not convicted and due to a lack of global cooperation stemming from the changing values, they still remain unconvicted. Try to up the sophistication a tad where you can, be succinct, "Indonesia's provision of sanctuary for Timorese leaders is evidence of a lack of a global cooperation, thus demonstrating..." etc. The global cooperation in East-Timor has also come under scrutiny due to its ephemerality as outlined in the ICGs report, “No Time For Complacency” (ICG 2009), which states that there are still current problems and security threats within East-Timor despite UN and global cooperation attempting to ‘address deep-rooted structural causes of conflict’ as international security forces and Timorese police are at odds as the Timorese are beginning to condemn UN surveillance. Slightly too long on this sentence, again, keep working to improve your word choice to make your sentences more succinct. While global cooperation has attempted to aid East-Timor through its changing values and ethical standards, these effects are short lived and merely provide a temporary solution to current world order issues, being the violence and unrest in East-Timor. This paragraph doesn't quite have a well formed argument, try adding a conclusion to tie it together.

Despite the superficial success that occurred in East-Timor by addressing immediate and fundamental issues affecting world order, it was not entirely successful, as the global cooperation has caused further issues regarding world order due to various changing values and ethical standards. What changing standards? By ending the Indonesian occupation in East Timor, the Timor Gap Treaty 1989 was no longer in action, causing Australia to withdraw its recognition of maritime boundary jurisdiction of the International Court of Justice and International Tribunal for the Law of the Sea, as seen in ‘Australia Holding Back East Timor’ (The Australian 2013). By withdrawing their recognition, Australia effectively doesn’t recognise that East Timor has the ability to draw an equidistant border between the nations, allowing Australia to profit from exploiting international law through the amassing of oil between East Timor and Australia. This indirect impact of changing values and ethical standards has created issues between Australia and East Timor which has disturbed world order, as seen in ‘East Timor-Australia Maritime Border To Be Negotiated Before United Nations After Protests’ (ABC 2016). The current unrest between nations is creating various political rivalries and is causing problems for world order as violence and protests are breaking out in East-Timor. I really like the more contemporary approach here, like a "This is happening now" style, really really awesome!! However, I'm not getting a direct evaluation here, be careful not to let an extensive amount of evidence justify recounts of legal facts and scenarios, you MUST be analysing and evaluating.

Global cooperation has both helped and hindered East-Timor in various aspects of their lives, ranging from political to economic. Try to make your conclusion more focused on the abstract issue, rather than the issue you have chosen. While the response to violence from various nations addressed both ‘immediate and deep-rooted structural causes of conflict’, this tranquillity is short-lived due to a violations in these changing values and ethical standards as countries such as Indonesia harbour criminals and Australia continues to exploit East-Timor for oil, leading to potential world order issues. Taking these facets of East-Timor’s history into consideration, changing values have had a prolific impact on world order, however not necessarily for the better. Try to finish with a definite judgement, YES EFFECTIVE, or NO NOT EFFECTIVE, or somewhere in between. This is the key to the response.

I had a bit of trouble "accessing" this essay as a reader, primarily because the argument didn't quite have all the dots connected. Try to extend your introduction and properly define the argument; define the "changing values" you frequently refer to, develop a strong foundation. Then, you might want to take two sentences instead of one to set up the argument in each paragraph, since you have so much to cover. I know you understand the argument, I can see it in the essay, it's purely extending your explanations to make everything a little clearer, right now its a tad vague.

Besides that, your evidence is excellent, but be careful to always analyse each piece of evidence you present. Give your evaluation, explain significance, etc, which you do quite well most of the time. You can be a little more succinct in areas, but on the whole your expression is quite effective. Well integrated evaluation, and the stimulus is frequently re-affirmed, which is fantastic!  ;D

Let me know if you need a little help clearing up the argument. I'd wager you'll end up defining the changing values in terms of "Responsibility to Protect" as the emerging doctrine, which you would set up in the introduction. Or feel free to take it in another direction if you choose  :) great work!!  ;D

Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: lb1493 on June 07, 2016, 07:54:06 pm
Hey I was wondering if you could please have a look at my essay and see if it is logical, also could you give it a mark out of 25? Be as harsh as you want, the more critique the better!! Also if you could let me know if my thesis is evident throughout because I never really know how to balance an argument or make it strong!! I know that none of the markers probably have done Indigenous but just from a general point of view please.

I haven't written an intro or conclusion yet just a thesis.
Thank you in advance :)

Compare the effectiveness of legal and non-legal measures in recognising the rights if indigenous peoples.

INTRO:

Thesis: In a holistic examination of the recognition of the rights of indigenous peoples that legal and non-legal serve to promote it is irrefutably clear the legal measures have been of increasing effectiveness. Although, the non-legal measures, such as media and NGOS, that pulse beneath the surface of these legal measures, have been of great effectiveness.

1. SELF-DETERMINATION -> nature of colonisation prevents such a right being accessed /ACCESSIBILITY
In order for justice to be achieved for Indigenous peoples, it is pivotal that their right to self determination is recognised. Significantly, however, the primary document in which such a right is outlined, the International Covenant of Civil and Political Rights (ICCPR), fails to adequately cater to Indigenous people and the unique nature of their (land possession.) While Article 1 of the ICCPR states that the principle of ‘self-determination’ applies to all ‘peoples’, the exercise of such a right is undermined, as Indigenous people often do not fit the convention’s definition of ‘people’. Specifically, the ICCPR requires Indigenous groups to demonstrate distinct territorial boundaries. Due to the nature of colonisation, in which Indigenous land was ‘stolen’, proving such territory proves particularly challenging. ***QUOTE*** Thus, although international law makes tangible attempts in order ensure individuals’ rights to self-determination are recognised, Indigenous peoples’ efforts to access their legal rights to self-determination often prove futile; thereby highlighting the minimal effectiveness of legal measures in recognising the rights of Indigenous peoples. —> NOT RATIFIED IN ALL COUNTRIES - ineffectiveness as not legally binding - sami people, finland

2. Gender discrimination/cultural rights -> positive steps towards recognition of rights
Despite the exclusive nature of some international conventions, international legal measures have been of increasing effectiveness in responding to contemporary issues, such as gender discrimination and a loss of cultural rights; with consequently positive repercussions for Indigenous peoples’ rights. Specifically, the Human Rights Committee in the case of Sandra Lovelace v Canada, responded to a woman whose natural right to Indian status was stripped after marrying a non-Indian man of which was guided by the then Canadian Indian Act.The Human Rights Committee found such case was a violation of Articles 2(1), 3, 23(1) and (4), 26 and 27 of the ICCPR and additionally found it was gender discriminatory. Such a case represented an important step forward in eliminating gender discrimination in Canadian law for indigenous peoples and thus demonstrates the increasing effectiveness of international legal measures in recognising the rights of Indigenous peoples.

3. Australian NGOs/Media role in affecting parliamentary/constitutional change

In response to Indigenous peoples’ significant lack of rights, non-legal groups have been active in taking up the baton and rallying for reform; exemplified by Australian NGOs and the media, whose unyielding promotion of Indigenous land rights has seen the Federal Government take steps to respond appropriately. Specifically, Amnesty International Australia’s ‘Submission on Constitutional Recognition of ATSI Peoples’, recommending changes to the constitution, resulted in the Federal Government announcing a referendum to be held in 2017; a significant step towards a holistic recognition of Indigenous land rights, and justice for Indigenous Australians as a whole. Moreover, the media, (‘What Indigenous constitutional recognition means’, Explainer, 2014), has played a considerable role in ensuring the community is cognisant of the gravity of what Indigenous constitutional recognition means, both for Indigenous Australians, but also for society at large. Thus…

4. African NGOs/media achieving change in regards to biopiracy.
The effectiveness of non-legal groups in rallying for, and achieving, change is exemplified by the bio-piracy case of the African Hoodia Cactus, containing an appetite suppressant drug that was sold without consultation with the San Indigenous peoples, by the CSIR to Pfizer, an American pharmaceutical company. Specifically, the Western drug industry, attracted to the commercial possibilities of the Hoodia Cactus, patented the African drug; with significant repercussions for the Sans people, whose ’ancient knowledge (was) stolen’ (‘In Africa the Hoodia cactus keeps men alive. Now its secret is ‘stolen’ to make us thin’, 2001). Fortunately, recognising the denial of rights that occurred in this biopiracy case, the African media (example) exposed the exploitation of intellectual property. Moreover, the Working Group of Indigenous Minorities in Southern Africa (WIMSA) and Council for Scientific and Industrial Research in South Africa (CSIR) recognised the Sans’ Indigenous peoples’ cultural knowledge, mandating that the Sans people receive profits from CSIR for the sale of the Hoodia Cactus. Therefore, the critical role played by the African media and NGOs in protecting the rights of the Sans people underlines the effectiveness of non-legal groups in recognising the rights of Indigenous peoples.

5. Maori - parliamentary seats
Legal measures have been of increasing effectiveness in recognising cultural rights of Indigenous peoples, specifically of their native languages. Recognition of language for Indigenous people described by Roy Ah-See Chairman of Indigenous Land council is “who we are. It’s our identity, it’s country, it’s culture” thus evidently the recognition of language somewhat determines the holistic effectiveness of legal measures in recognising the rights of Indigenous peoples. The protection of culture, thus cultural rights, for Maori people is facilitated somewhat effectively by the Maori Language Act, which serves to recognise Maori as an official language of New Zealand. However, such pivotal political recognition has been fundamentally flawed as at a Waitangi Tribunal it was found the Crown had failed to uphold the Treaty of Waitangi obligations to protect language which “denied and suppressed the right of Maori to use their own language” (Maori Language Bill Amendment to acknowledge Crown “suppression” of “ter reo Maori”. Such denial of cultural rights highlights the limited effectiveness of some legal measures in recognising the rights of Indigenous peoples.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Jimmy Barnes on June 08, 2016, 09:55:09 am
This is another world order essay I was wondering if you could critique, mainly the coherence of it as whole if that's okay
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 08, 2016, 03:10:17 pm
Quote from: lb1493 on June 07, 2016, 07:54:06 pm
Hey I was wondering if you could please have a look at my essay and see if it is logical, also could you give it a mark out of 25? Be as harsh as you want, the more critique the better!! Also if you could let me know if my thesis is evident throughout because I never really know how to balance an argument or make it strong!! I know that none of the markers probably have done Indigenous but just from a general point of view please.

I haven't written an intro or conclusion yet just a thesis.
Thank you in advance :)

Compare the effectiveness of legal and non-legal measures in recognising the rights if indigenous peoples.

Hey there! I'll take a look now :) As you guessed, I haven't studied the Indigenous syllabus. However, this shouldn't be too much of a problem :)

I'll put your essay in a spoiler here, and I'll make comments throughout in bold font:
Spoiler
Thesis: In a holistic examination of the recognition of the rights of indigenous peoples that legal and non-legal serve to promote it is irrefutably clear the legal measures have been of increasing effectiveness. The end of this sentence reads awkwardly to me. "are becoming increasingly effective," or perhaps: "have become increasingly effective over the years." Although, (Although is not the right connector here. It works, but not fluently. You can take "although" out and start the sentence with "the" and it will work perfectly :)the non-legal measures, such as media and NGOS, that pulse beneath the surface of these legal measures, have been of great effectiveness.

What I've taken from this thesis is: the legal measures previously weren't so effective but are improving. The non-legal measures work effectively to support the legal measures.

1. SELF-DETERMINATION -> nature of colonisation prevents such a right being accessed /ACCESSIBILITY
In order for justice to be achieved for Indigenous peoples, it is pivotal that their right to self determination is recognised. Significantly, however, the primary document in which such a the right right is outlined, the International Covenant of Civil and Political Rights (ICCPR), fails to adequately cater to Indigenous people and the unique nature of their (land possession.) While Article 1 of the ICCPR states that the principle of ‘self-determination’ applies to all ‘peoples’, the exercise of such a right is undermined, as Indigenous people often do not fit the convention’s definition of ‘people’. Specifically, the ICCPR requires Indigenous groups to demonstrate distinct territorial boundaries. Due to the nature of colonisation, in which Indigenous land was ‘stolen’, proving such territory proves particularly challenging. ***QUOTE*** Thus, although international law makes tangible attempts in order ensure individuals’ rights to self-determination are recognised, Indigenous peoples’ efforts to access their legal rights to self-determination often prove futile; thereby highlighting the minimal effectiveness of legal measures in recognising the rights of Indigenous peoples. —> NOT RATIFIED IN ALL COUNTRIES - ineffectiveness as not legally binding - sami people, finland
Some contents on this paragraph: If Indigenous people are excluded from "peoples" - let me know why that is? Is it on a domestic or international level that they are excluded? Be sure to say whether or not Australia has ratified this and put it into law, this is an easy way for you to use a case study. At both the start and end of this paragraph, I would make sure that I'd made a direct, clear comment on the effectiveness. So, open the paragraph with a comment on the effectiveness specifically regarding self determination. And then end the paragraph with a conclusive judgement, "therefore, blah blah blah is limited in its effectiveness." There are a few parts here that are a bit jumpy, like the missing quote and capitalised "not ratified in all countries." But I'm sure that when you make your edited copy, you'll be able to have a look at that and make sure it all flows well.
2. Gender discrimination/cultural rights -> positive steps towards recognition of rights
Despite the exclusive nature of some international conventions, international legal measures have been of increasing effectiveness in responding to contemporary issues, such as gender discrimination and a loss of cultural rights; with consequently positive repercussions for Indigenous peoples’ rights. When I started reading this sentence I was thinking "yasss! We've got the judgement in there!" but as the sentence continued, it became harder to digest. Basically, this is a really long sentence. I understand that you're dealing with complicated ideas, but it is your job to make these complex notions crystal clear to a marker. Try cut this long sentence in half.Specifically, the Human Rights Committee in the case of Sandra Lovelace v Canada, responded to a woman whose natural right to Indian status was stripped after marrying a non-Indian man of which was guided by the then Canadian Indian Act.The Human Rights Committee found such case was a violation of Articles 2(1), 3, 23(1) and (4), 26 and 27 of the ICCPR and additionally found it was gender discriminatory. Such a case represented an important step forward in eliminating gender discrimination in Canadian law for indigenous peoples and thus demonstrates the increasing effectiveness of international legal measures in recognising the rights of Indigenous peoples. Just one thing missing here - was the law overturned? You've implied it, but we just need to hear it for sure :)

3. Australian NGOs/Media role in affecting parliamentary/constitutional change

In response to Indigenous peoples’ significant lack of rights, non-legal groups have been active in taking up the baton and rallying for reform; exemplified by Australian NGOs and the media, whose unyielding promotion of Indigenous land rights has seen the Federal Government take steps to respond appropriately. Another long sentence here. I'd probably take out the colloquialism about the baton here, and replace it with a judgement that links to what you were saying above about the legal measures. Saying that the legal measures (lack of rights) are ineffective isn't consistent with what you've told me above. Because, you'd given some credit to effectiveness above. Instead I would say that the non-legal methods support the legal measures in becoming more effective.Specifically, Amnesty International Australia’s ‘Submission on Constitutional Recognition of ATSI Peoples’, recommending changes to the constitution, resulted in the Federal Government announcing a referendum to be held in 2017; a significant step towards a holistic recognition of Indigenous land rights, and justice for Indigenous Australians as a whole. Moreover, the media, (‘What Indigenous constitutional recognition means’, Explainer, 2014), has played a considerable role in ensuring the community is cognisant of the gravity of what Indigenous constitutional recognition means, both for Indigenous Australians, but also for society at large. Thus…Thus...I suggest you bring this back to making a judgement call now! :)

4. African NGOs/media achieving change in regards to biopiracy.
The high? low?effectiveness of non-legal groups in rallying for, and achieving, change is exemplified by the bio-piracy case of the African Hoodia Cactus, containing an appetite suppressant drug that was sold without consultation with the San Indigenous peoples, by the CSIR to Pfizer, an American pharmaceutical company. Specifically, the Western drug industry, attracted to the commercial possibilities of the Hoodia Cactus, patented the African drug; with significant repercussions for the Sans people, whose ’ancient knowledge (was) stolen’ (‘In Africa the Hoodia cactus keeps men alive. Now its secret is ‘stolen’ to make us thin’, 2001). Fortunately, recognising the denial of rights that occurred in this biopiracy case, the African media (example) exposed the exploitation of intellectual property. Moreover, the Working Group of Indigenous Minorities in Southern Africa (WIMSA) and Council for Scientific and Industrial Research in South Africa (CSIR) recognised the Sans’ Indigenous peoples’ cultural knowledge, mandating that the Sans people receive profits from CSIR for the sale of the Hoodia Cactus. Therefore, the critical role played by the African media and NGOs in protecting the rights of the Sans people underlines the effectiveness of non-legal groups in recognising the rights of Indigenous peoples.
Really solid case study!
5. Maori - parliamentary seats
Legal measures have been of increasing effectiveness in recognising cultural rights of Indigenous peoples, specifically of their native languages. Recognition of language for Indigenous people described by Roy Ah-See Chairman of Indigenous Land council is “who we are. It’s our identity, it’s country, it’s culture” thus evidently the recognition of language somewhat determines the holistic effectiveness of legal measures in recognising the rights of Indigenous peoples. The protection of culture, thus cultural rights, for Maori people is facilitated somewhat effectively by the Maori Language Act, which serves to recognise Maori as an official language of New Zealand. However, such pivotal political recognition has been fundamentally flawed as at a Waitangi Tribunal it was found the Crown had failed to uphold the Treaty of Waitangi obligations to protect language which “denied and suppressed the right of Maori to use their own language” (Maori Language Bill Amendment to acknowledge Crown “suppression” of “ter reo Maori”. Such denial of cultural rights highlights the limited effectiveness of some legal measures in recognising the rights of Indigenous peoples.

The last two case studies/examples are really strong. I actually learnt about the Maori one this year at Uni and was really fascinated. You've done a really good job here. In my opinion, your latter paragraphs are better than the earlier ones, and I've commented on ways to improve throughout. Your introduction and conclusion are pivotal in an essay, so it is difficult to give you a mark out of 25. If I'm assuming your introduction and conclusion are amazing and are coherently referenced throughout, then I'd probably give you a 20/25. When you link your judgements correctly as often as possible, you'll receive some really great results I think!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 08, 2016, 11:46:31 pm
Quote from: Jimmy Barnes on June 08, 2016, 09:55:09 am
This is another world order essay I was wondering if you could critique, mainly the coherence of it as whole if that's okay

Hey again Jimmy, happy to help!  ;D

Spoiler
Examine the effectiveness of legal and non-legal responses in relation to the rules regarding the conduct of hostilities.

Legal and non-legal responses are only somewhat effective in relation to the rules regarding the conduct of hostilities. I'd like to see you define the meaning/rationale behind your argument, like defining hostilities, linking to the contemporary threats to security, etc.  The rules regarding the conduct of hostilities outline the principles that regulate the conduct of armed conflict as outlined in The Geneva Conventions 1949. The various legal and non-legal responses that attempt to showcase and enforce rules regarding the conduct of hostilities include various treaties, criminal tribunals, NGOs and the media, all of which differing in their effectiveness. Nice skeleton here, but definitely needs a little more elaboration to give it some muscle.

To provide a legal and enforceable backing to the rules regarding the conduct of hostilities, various treaties and resolutions have been adopted. However some of these treaties such as The Geneva Conventions 1949 and the General assembly resolution A/RES/39/46 are habitually violated. Remember to add a judgement/comment about the effectiveness in your topic sentences, in order to properly address the question. The media article “You Must Follow International Law (Unless You’re American)” (The Nation 2015) highlights the fact that the US is a signatory to both these conventions and states that Jus Cogens applies regardless. After setting this out, it becomes stupefying that America routinely breaches these conventions in Guantánamo bay prison as explicitly expatiated in “Inside Guantanamo Bay: Horrifying pictures show the restraint chairs, feeding tubes and operating theatres used on inmates in terror prison”. Try to avoid emotive language like 'stupefying': remain objective.  While the aforementioned conventions aim to criminalise breaches in rules regarding the conduct of hostilities, it is their lack of enforceability that allows situations such as Guantanamo Bay to occur. Nice paragraph, could use a little more evidence to round out the argument if you can! You really only have a single example.

Other legal responses, such as criminal tribunals, have been used throughout history as a means to secure convictions on individuals who directly contravene rules regarding the conduct of hostilities, with one specifically being the International Criminal Tribunal for the Former Yugoslavia. While the Convention on the Prevention and Punishment of the Crime of Genocide 1948 became international law after the Nuremburg Trials to formally criminalise genocide, there was no international court to convict the perpetrators before the ICC in 2002. Thus, the ICTY was set up to convict criminals who participated in Yugoslavian Genocide under S/RES/827 (1993). Information before this is all great, but not strictly necessary for your examination. You may wish to be a little more succinct and trim it right down to basics. Remember, the focus should be on YOUR examination and opinion.  Established in 1993, it has been functioning consistently for 17 years without fully achieving its desired purpose of convicting all major people involved in the Bosnian genocide, “ICTY laments Failure To Arrest War Crime Suspects” (Balkan Insight 2010). Despite having the enforceability behind them through the proper legislation and the various convictions it has secured, it has been a momentous failure in regards to resource efficiency in both time and cost along with being unresponsive as it is a reactionary court, showcasing its minute ability to respond to breaches in the conduct of hostilities. Excellent points made here. Again though, can you give another example? A single example isn't as effective as a slightly more rounded analysis.

One non-legal response used to address rules regarding the conduct of hostilities are NGOs, with specific focus on The International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC) and the International Crisis Group (ICG). The ICRC is an NGO that focuses on educating the world on the rules regarding the conduct of hostilities while also providing assistance and protection to people in wartime. Remember that you can assume the marker knows what the ICRC is; give the absolutely minimum detail possible and go straight into examination! This role played by the ICRC is occurring at the moment regarding the Syrian war, as seen in “Stop the Insanity: ICRC president warns even wars must have their limits” (Intercross Blog 2016), where the president of the ICRC talks with the UN Security Council about the ongoing violations regarding the conduct of hostilities in Syria after medical personnel were killed after an airstrike in Aleppo, Syria. Watch your expression in the opening parts of this paragraph, you might want to cut back on your sentence length a tad. The ideas flow into each other a bit too much and it is a tad confusing! He also praised the S/RES/2286 which condemns attacks against medical workers, but called for “practical measures to be taken” as the ICRC and NGOs lack enforceability. Similarly to the ICRC, the ICG presents facts and figures around ongoing and potential crisis situations, such as Syria. This is seen in “Crisis Group releases landmark report on al-Qaeda and the Islamic state” (Crisis Group 2016), which details the amount of violations of the rules regarding the conduct of hostilities in Syria, explicitly mentioning the tendency for civilian and medical personnel to be attacked as a means of terror. Both the ICRC and the ICG lack enforceability to impose the rules of conduct surrounding hostilities, however both are responsive to the conduct of current hostilities and protect individual rights by presenting their findings to enforceable responses, such as the Security Council.

Another non-legal response that plays a pivotal role in highlighting contemporary issues of rules regarding the conduct of hostilities around the world is the media. Due to the inherent nature of the media, it is not enforceable as it cannot directly combat violations in the rules of conduct in hostilities, but it can display these issues to the world, as seen in the ongoing Syrian conflict where the media routinely portrays the breaches in rules regarding the conduct of hostilities. By drawing attention to these issues, the media draws the awareness of enforceable measures such as the UN and ICJ. Excellent point, well argued. As seen in “Syria Chemical Attack, What We Know” (BBC 2013), the media frequently highlights breaches in the conduct of hostilities. This constant showcasing of issues resulting from Syria has had an international impact as resolutions such as S/RES/2118, which highlights the destruction of all Syria’s chemical weapons as a result of this attack, foregrounding the responsiveness of the media and how they protect individual rights through their influence. However, the media also pick up on the lack of enforceability of certain resolutions, as seen in “Don’t just condemn human rights violations. Stop them” (The Guardian 2016). This article accentuates the inability of S/RES/2286, which states that attacking medical staff is a disregard of international humanitarian law, as after this resolution was engendered, there have been airstrikes on medical personnel. This article calls for more action to be taken towards breaches of rules regarding the conduct of hostilities. The media, like NGOs, lacks enforceability, but demonstrates its effectiveness through its responsiveness to current breaches in the conduct of hostilities and protection of individual rights through referring these breaches to enforceable bodies. This paragraph is really great and focuses more on your own examination, brilliant!

Through a close examination of various legal and non-legal measures, including various treaties, resolutions, criminal tribunals, NGOs and the media, their respective areas of effectiveness and lack of effectiveness are exhibited surrounding the rules regarding the conduct of hostilities. Need a little more muscle here as well: I always went by the advice that a conclusion should be no less than half of the first paragraph (play with rules like this to find something that works for you.

Good essay Jimmy, the ideas work really well! I love some of the points you are making throughout, very clever. A few little expression issue, but primarily my feedback concerns the quality of your analysis. Try to put more than jut a single sentence/point in each paragraph, prove your point in multiple ways  ;D

But yep, you definitely have a coherent essay here, and with a bit of polish you'll be on for a winner!  :D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Kristen Roustas on June 09, 2016, 08:52:50 pm
Hi! I have attached an essay on World Order that I would love some feedback on!

Areas Im concerned with:

-introduction
-coherency throughout the essay
-evaluation of my points
-not sure if I have enough examples/articles

Thanks so much!

Kristen

Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Son of Thatcher on June 09, 2016, 08:56:25 pm
Hello again friends!

When one of you has some spare time, I was wondering if someone would be able to take a look at this essay on trade unions (in the Workplace topic). Unlike my last legal essay, no time limit on this one so take as much time as you need :D

In particular, I would like some specific feedback on the structure of my essay and the way I have tacked the question. Any other feedback would of course, be welcome also!

Thanks again!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 09, 2016, 11:39:42 pm
Quote from: Kristen Roustas on June 09, 2016, 08:52:50 pm
Hi! I have attached an essay on World Order that I would love some feedback on!

Areas Im concerned with:

-introduction
-coherency throughout the essay
-evaluation of my points
-not sure if I have enough examples/articles

Thanks so much!

Kristen

Hi Kirsten! Welcome to the forums :) Congratulations on your first post  ::)

You're essay is very long, like, 3000 words long. In an exam, you won't be able to write this much, unless you were to basically not complete the other sections :P If this is for an assignment, then you have the benefit of basically having your study notes for the topic, in essay form! Definitely keep this as a resource. But, I have never seen a legal essay this long, so I'm very interested in the assessment that made you write it? :)

Let's mark!
Here is your essay, with my own comments in bold throughout. If something is a recurring problem, I'll just comment it once and then leave an end note:)

Spoiler
Evaluate the legal and non-legal measures adopted by the United Nations to achieve world order
World order refers to the activities and relationships between the world’s states and other non-state global actors that occur within a legal, political and economic framework.  It's great that your definition involves the non-state global actors too! So important!New world order developed at the end of communism Communism hasn't 'ended.' Consider rephrasing this. Do you mean, the Cold War?where states act collectively to address global problems that were beyond the capability of individual state solutions.  The United Nations (UN) is an international organisation founded in 1945, which is governed by world order/aims to govern.  It is committed to maintaining peace and security, developing friendly relations among nations, better living standards and human rights through the utilisation of legal and non-legal measures.  The combination of treaties, peacekeepers, use of force, media, negotiation and persuasion promotes peace, stability, cooperation, compliance and resolution between states. It's not an English essay so the order of what you say things in isn't a huge deal. Buttttt, I'd put the legal and non-legal measures up a bit higher in the intro.
On 26 June 1945, leaders from 51 countries and representatives from non-government organisations (NGOs) formed the UN with the determination that the world would never again experience widespread destruction, following the World Wars.  The UN provides leadership in dealing with global issues through research, reports, conferences, treaties, peacekeeping operations and proving assistance.  Ideally, the UN’s achievement in creating world order is promoting international peace and harmony, reducing conflict and interdependence of states (Article 1 of UN Charter).  However in reality, this is compromised due to balance of power between states where those embodying greater economic, political and cultural power have more influence on world order.  The effectiveness of the UN is dependent on the moral and ethical standards of states to take action and comply with international law (political will). This paragraph hasn't done a lot for the question. You've showed your knowledge of the UN (Great for study notes) but you haven't tackled the question here. This becomes an unnecessary paragraph. Your last sentence is very important though!
The UN Charter is an integral legal measure, which governs the rights/obligations of members and states the purposes of the UN.  All members are bound to the Charter and can be ratified accordingly (nation’s formal declaration of consent to be bound by a treaty and to give it domestic effect).  The Charter can be amended by a two-thirds vote in the UNGA, including five permanent members (P5) of UNSC.  This is seen as ineffective as it is difficult to achieve majority vote in UNGA and takes one permanent member of UNSC to use its veto for the proposed change to be rejected.  The power of veto is granted to each permanent member of UNSC, which can be used to stop a decision.  However, if a permanent member does not fully agree with a proposed resolution but does not wish to cast a veto, it can abstain and allow the resolution to be adopted.  The purposes of the UN are stated in Chapter I Article 1: maintain international peace/security, develop friendly relations among nations and achieve international co-operation in solving problems.  Member states of the UN must abide by and act within the guidelines established in Chapter I Article 2: settle individual disputes through peaceful means, refrain from use of force, provide assistance to the UN and refrain from giving assistance to any state against the UN.  Therefore, the Charter is an effective legal mean that acts as a guide in decision-making of the UN and member states. Absolutely stunning paragraph - your knowledge is displayed wonderfulyl!
The UNSC consists of 15 states including 5 permanent members (USA, UK, France, Russia and China).  Powers of UNSC come from the Charter Chapter V and include maintaining peace/security, determine the existence of any threat or act of aggression, make recommendations, investigate disputes and take military action against an aggressor.  In order for UNSC to take action on a matter, there must be nine votes in favour, including all P5.  All votes from P5 are at risk of the controversial feature, veto, by one member.  The problems of veto were seen in 2012 when China and Russia used their veto against a resolution, which blocked UN action in the Syrian civil war.  US Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, described it as “despicable while people were being murdered”.Great quote!!!!  This leads to the growing calls for reforms on P5, which were elected based on their world dominance at the end of World War II.  However, this does not reflect the changing composition of the international society and this is reinforced in former Secretary-General of the UN, Kofi Annan, 2005 report “In Larger Freedom: Towards Development, Security and Human Rights for All”.  Annan calls for expanding the UNSC to ensure democratic representation and supported India, Brazil, Germany and Japan who seek permanent positions.  In the SMH article “India Expects Permanent Security Council Seat within a Year”, India’s ambassador to the UN stated “we are the world's largest democracy, we're going to be a $2 trillion economy, we've had 100 000 peacekeepers and a active participants in all UN social/economic areas...if you look at any criteria, it fits India”.  Hence, the UNSC promotes world order through the Charter and its members, which need to adequately reflect the changing nature of the world.
Under the Charter, the legal measure of force can be authorised in limited circumstances.  This includes in self-defence, by UNSC on behalf of members, recommended by UNGA or by regional organisations with the approval of UNSC.  The problems involving the use of force and UNSC were seen in the Gulf Wars in 1991 and 2003.  The First Gulf War in 1991 was an armed conflict between Iraq and a coalition of 32 nations. It was a result of Iraq's invasion of Kuwait in response to overproduction of oil in Kuwait which had cost Iraq $14 billion/year and illegal pumping of oil (President Hussein). 
The UNSC called for Iraq to withdraw, embargoed trade with Iraq and set a deadline for a peaceful withdraw of Iraqi troops from Kuwait.  Due to Hussein’s non-compliance, Operation Desert Storm air war was launched and defeated the Iraqis and liberated Kuwait.  The First Gulf War serves as a prime example of the capabilities of the UN to gather resources, collectively deter aggression and restore peace legally.  However, the UN has been less successful in enforcing agreements designed to bring peace in Iraq and establishing its own force.
Since the 1991 Gulf War, the UN placed economic sanctions on Iraq (arms embargoes, travel bans, financial or diplomatic restrictions).  Former UN Secretary-General stated “sanctions remain a blunt instrument to people who are not primary targets”. Proposals for reform in the use of sanctions have included aiming sanctions specifically at individuals who have violated international law.  The Second Gulf War in 2003 arose because the Iraqi government failed to cooperate with UN weapons inspections and sanctions.  The UNSC passed a resolution offering Iraq a “final opportunity” to cooperate on arms inspections but declared no weapons of mass destruction.  However, Iraq did not cooperate when determining if suspected weapons had been destroyed.  President Bush issued an ultimatum to Hussein which prompted an invasion of Iraq.  By April, Hussein's army and government had collapsed and no weapons of mass destruction were found.  The 2003 military action was not sanctioned by the UNSC and thus was a non-legal mean which many have argued was illegal under international law.  However, the United States did not receive any effective sanction for breaching the rules on the use of force.  Therefore, the UN and its legal measures must have clear communications about the use of force to maintain international peace.
The role of UNGA is to be the main deliberative organ, which consists of 192 members.  It discusses, considers and makes recommendations in scope with the Charter.  UNGA also carries out a quasi-legislative function by adopting resolutions, declarations and conventions.  Resolutions directed towards state conduct are not binding but may have legal force if they are considered as statements of international law of the UN Charter.  The Assembly can also engage in lawmaking through the drafting of bilateral (between two states) and multilateral (between a number of states) treaties which become legal measures among the consenting parties after they have been ratified.  Treaties place an obligation on parties to act in particular ways or adopt certain types of behaviour.  Another main function of the UNGA is defining crimes against the international community (most serious crime of concern and recognised as punishable by the international community) through treaties which include genocide, crimes against humanity and war crimes.  This is evident in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights 1948, International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights 1966, International Covenant on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights 1966, Rome Statute of the International Criminal Court 1998 and UN Charter 1945.  As a result, the UNGA have been successful in setting international community expectations through legal measures of treaties.
The DPA is involved in peacemaking, preventative diplomacy and peacekeeping which prevent disputes from escalating, limit the spread of conflicts and ensure lasting peace in societies emerging from war.  The DPA plays a central role in these efforts through monitoring and assessing global political developments, advising the Secretary-General on actions that could escalate, providing support to political missions and assist other UN structures.  Peacemaking and preventive diplomacy is evident when DPA define/plan a mission and provide UN special envoys/mediators with guidance.  UN peacekeepers are deployed after successful peacemaking efforts.
Peacekeeping is the activity of creating conditions for sustainable peace in countries affected by conflict through a force consisting of soldiers, civilian police and personnel.  Peacekeepers assist the implementation of agreements reached between states that have been in conflict by acting as a third party.  Conditions of peacekeeping operations (UNPKO) include parties fully cooperate with the UN, needs UNSC backing, multinational in composition, no force is used except in self-defence and troops remain impartial.  However, the Secretary-General has no automatic right to requisition troops and he must ask for troops from member states and countries have the right to refuse/withdraw peacekeepers if violence is prevailing.  German UN expert, Andreas Zumach, stated an alternative would be forming a UN army and reduce the “begging for contingents”.  As a result, this has increased issues in enforceability and failure of existing law as it is not stated in the UN Charter.  The nature of PKOs has changed overtime with a shift from interstate (conventional war) to intrastate (civil war) conflicts.  The composition of PKOs is also changing with increasing roles in administrators, economists, legal personnel and communication.  Therefore, PKO is evolving to cater for the changing needs of peace globally. 
An ineffective example of a PKO is evident in the Rwandan genocide in 1994 between the Hutu Government and Tutsi rebels where peacekeepers withdrew from the violence.  The UN Assistance Mission for Rwanda (UNAMIR) had been sent to Rwanda to supervise a ceasefire between the Hutus and Tutsis.  However, due to the deaths of PKO in a previous operation in Somalia, the UN was reluctant to invoke enforcement measures and did not disarm militias despite warnings of upcoming violence.  As a result, troops were withdrawn under the UNSC’s Resolution 912 once the violence began due to a lack of resources, limited political will and errors of judgement on the nature of the genocide where 1 million people were murdered in 100 days.  Hence, this calls for PKO to increase capacity for rapid reaction, strengthen command and control structure and making standard arrangements to organise well-trained and equipped troops from member states.
Despite this, a successful PKO was seen in East Timor in 1999 where the UN intervened Indonesia’s control over East Timor since the invasion in 1975.  Due to long-lasting international pressure which condemned the invasion, President Habibie agreed to allow the UN to conduct a referendum on East Timorese independence.  The UNSC established Resolution 1246: ‘Ballot to Decide on Special Autonomy for East Timor’ and UN Mission in East Timor (UNAMET).  After the referendum, where results were in favour of East Timorese independence at 78.5%, a violent reaction from Indonesian militias ensued which killed many people and destroyed 70% of infrastructure.  As a result of Resolution 1246, the International Force for East Timor (INTERFET) was established as a PKO under Australian command which successfully brought East Timor under control and Indonesian troops left.  INTERFET was replaced with the UN Transitional Administration in East Timor (UNTAET) in order to prepare for self-government.  The success of the PKO was also assisted by a range of non-legal means.  The media broadcasted live footage of the Indonesian militias violence which influenced world opinions, diplomatic pressure from former Secretary-General Annan and US President Bill Clinton increased the need for UN intervention and maintained communications between peacekeepers and NGO expertise from the International Crisis Group (ICG) improved education, housing and health after East Timor gained independence.  As a result, the deficiencies in the UN from the Rwandan genocide where improved and applied to East Timor.
Realising that PKO alone is not sufficient to maintain peace, the UNGA and UNSC established a Peace Building Commission (PBC) to extend the period of assistance provided to countries emerging from conflict.  This was created through Resolution 60/180 and 1645 and acts as an advisory body to marshal support and resources for reconstruction, institution-building and sustainable development.  The concept of PBC developed out of recognition that on some occasions, the mandate of PKO was too short term and did not address the long term infrastructure, rule of law and civil society issues left behind by prolonged conflict.  Therefore, long term attention by the global community is achieved to respond to post-conflict recovery and act as an effective law reform from limitations of existing law and institutions.
The media is an effective non-legal measure utilised by the UN to influence community expectations and highlight deficiencies in world order issues.  The UN has a range of media services including websites, radio podcasts, television webcasts, AV libraries, magazines, documents and social networking accounts on Twitter and Facebook.  The UN Radio is an audio media for news for media organisations and individuals.  It is available in many languages including Chinese, Russian and Spanish.  Radio features include access to information regarding PKO, interviews with staff and an analysis on social/political/economic/development/culture issues.  The Journal is an online database on the UN’s website which provides access to documents over the last decade.  It provides the historical records of documents used on any given day which contain information on meetings held and topics discussed.  Services aim to produce an objective view which is free/unbiased.  As a result, this can draw the attention to world order issues and also have the potential influence/pressure on countries violating peace to resolve problems.  For example, the PKO in East Timor achieved its success through the use of media to broadcast live events globally which gained public opposition and the need for peace.  Therefore, the UN’s media services provide access to information regarding world order issues through non-legal means to influence community views.
The non-legal mechanisms for international dispute resolution by the UN include the process of political negotiation and persuasion.  When non-legal means are not successful, legal means such as treaties and force may be used to restore peace and security (carrot and stick method). Negotiation is the simplest and most frequently used means of communicating with other states and resolving issues.  This occurs at many levels of government with experts who can negotiate the details of international agreements.  Negotiation also coincides with peacemaking by the DPA.  As a result, this has increased the scope of greater cooperation.   
Persuasion can change states behaviour through the pressure of global public opinion.  In the form of naming and shaming, the UN can use this strategy through reports that is delivered on a variety of issues and deliberation of its structures (UNSC, UNGA and DPA).  States can also be encouraged to improve their behaviour based on the prospect of their membership to the UN.  For example, China has to increase its trade standards to comply with the rule of the World Trade Organisation (WTO).  This included applying the same tariffs (taxes) rates to all member countries and use internal laws equally to domestic and imported products.  The power of persuasion is also known as soft power that co-opts rather than coerces people/states.  Soft law are any international instruments, other than a treaty, that contains principles and standards of expected behaviour but does not have the legal consequences for non-compliances.  Soft law in this sense can articulate principles that may subsequently develop into binding law.  Therefore, persuasion can have a strong effect through public pressure and non-legal expectations.
Non-government organisations (NGOs) are further legal measures utilised by the UN to establish peace and security.  NGOs are an association based on common interests and goals which have no connection with any government.  Their role includes investigating, researching, educating policy makers/public and lobbying leaders to take action.  The World Federation of United Nations Associations (WFUNA) represents and coordinates the membership of 100 national UN Associations (UNAs).  UNAs are national civil society organisations that provide a link between citizens and the UN by seeking to ensure that the UN is relevant to the lives of peoples it exists to serve.  WFUNA is currently pushing for the creation of another NGO, UN Peace Service (UNEPS) which can intervene quickly in a crisis within 48-72 hours rather than months.  Military services, negotiators and specialists would be combined to rebuild infrastructure and reduce deaths.  Therefore NGOs serve as a non-legal measure that is invested into the global community without political agendas.
The combination of legal and non-legal measures is utilised by the UN to achieve world order with the common aim of accomplishing peace and security.  The legal measures evident in the UN Charter, use of force, treaties, peacemaking, peacekeeping and peace-building act as a binding force and monitoring system for member states of the UN to obey obligations and expectations.  The use of non-legal measures such as persuasion, negotiation, NGOs and the media apply pressure for nations to behave in a safe manner.  Therefore, the UN is a prime mean to attain world order through the complementary nature of legal and non-legal measures. In the conclusion, you haven't finished with a judgement to sum it all up. You've summarised your points, but not exactly your view of the effectiveness.

I unexpectedly didn't write a whole lot in this. The reason is, your structure is wonderful, your content is wonderful, your knowledge is wonderful. The very few minor areas to be worked on, I commented on. Honestly and truly, this is great. However - it is extremely long. I think you should approach this question with a time limit, or word limit, and see which information you think is the most important, and see how much you can fit in that time! You've done so much work here! But in the HSC exam, it is about what you can show in those hours - not the 3000 word essay at home.
You should be so proud, congratulations! :)

PS. I usually comment far more throughout - but this was hard to fault.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Kristen Roustas on June 10, 2016, 12:13:22 am
haha yeah it is very long! Its for an assignment due on Tuesday and the word limit is 3000 words.
Thanks so much for your comments :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 10, 2016, 01:33:33 pm
Quote from: Kristen Roustas on June 10, 2016, 12:13:22 am
haha yeah it is very long! Its for an assignment due on Tuesday and the word limit is 3000 words.
Thanks so much for your comments :)

This will be SUCH an EXCELLENT resource for you! I bet your teacher had this in mind ;)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: shazzzzzz on June 10, 2016, 04:46:47 pm
Hello, I need some help with my crime and consumer essays!

Crime essay, I gave my teacher this as a practice and they said it was a definite 13/15 and they gave me some pointers but I'm still not sure how to improve it
- My introductions and conclusions are VERY weak
- My evaluations and incorporation for evidence could be better but I'm not sure how I can improve it (can you show me through an example how to improve it?)

Consumer essay, I wrote this for a question I had gotten in an exam, haven't completed it but I would like to know if I'm on the right path, my concerns are
- evaluation
- if i'm answering the question

If there are any issues or things I could do better even if it's small tell me, I need all the criticism I can get

My biggest problem is being able to think on the spot and write all of this information in 40 minutes, it's a bit overwhelming, especially with crime where it can be so specific at times, so could you give me some pointers on how to do that?

Thank you so much, and I truly appreciate your help  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 10, 2016, 05:06:49 pm
As a heads up to anyone needing some feedback this weekend (including those with marking outstanding), tomorrow ATAR Notes is holding a free event at ICMS in Sydney! As such, while we're busy with that, marking will likely be delayed over the weekend to Sunday or Monday. Apologies for the inconvenience!  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 10, 2016, 10:36:16 pm
Quote from: Son of Thatcher on June 09, 2016, 08:56:25 pm
Hello again friends!

When one of you has some spare time, I was wondering if someone would be able to take a look at this essay on trade unions (in the Workplace topic). Unlike my last legal essay, no time limit on this one so take as much time as you need :D

In particular, I would like some specific feedback on the structure of my essay and the way I have tacked the question. Any other feedback would of course, be welcome also!

Thanks again!

Hey there! I'll have a look :)

You know the drill, comments in bold throughout :)
Spoiler
Assess the effectiveness of trade unions in protecting workplace rights

Trade unions, associations of workers with a common goal of improving working conditions, have been for the most part, extremely effective in protecting workplace rights. Although declining in effectiveness contemporarily, awkward word here, perhaps, "in recent/modern times"? trade unions in the past were immensely consequential in safeguarding basic workplace rights. Nevertheless, despite this diminishing influence, it is irrefutable that historically, trade unions have been extremely effective in upholding workplace rights.  I'd perhaps add a tiny tiny bit of context to beef up this intro - perhaps saying that the labor movement, the trade union movement, blah blah, gained momentum in the decade of .... (I don't know when). This might give you just a little more to anchor the essay in at the start. I see you've mentioned the history throughout, but start it here :) Great judgement, by the way! Really unique.

Trade unions have played an extremely effective role during the early years of federation. Of critical importance was the establishment of Australia’s principal workplace tribunal, the Commonwealth Court of Conciliation and Arbitration, established under the Conciliation and Arbitration Act 1904 (Cth). This act, largely advocated for by the burgeoning trade union movement, represents an extremely effective attempt aimed at safeguarding workplace rights, emphasising the importance of conciliation and arbitration as alternative dispute resolution mechanism and ensuring that workers were able to have their cases heard. Further, the court was also bequeathed unprecedented power to determine and enforce an award, enshrining basic employee rights and minimum conditions in a manner that was significantly effective in protecting workplace rights. This principle of fair working terms and conditions was further affirmed in Ex parte H.V McKay (1907), which established a living wage for workers. Although trade unions were not directly affiliated with this case, it is evident that their advocacy of worker’s rights clearly influenced the decision of the bench which in turn, positively impacted workplace rights for many years. As a result of trade union activity in this instance, Australia was already in compliance with the precepts elaborated by the constitution of the International Labor Organisation (ILO) established in 1919, an international organisation dedicated to promoting worker’s rights. Hence trade unions have undoubtedly played a key and effective role in safeguarding workplace rights during Australia’s early federation years. This is wonderful! Great knowledge, no waffling, clear dates, a case study, and analysis! Seriously, AMAZING!

Moreover, trade unions have exercised a both pivotal and effective role in promoting workplace rights, chiefly through their opposition to WorkChoices. Again, another brilliant and unique thesis!As a result of the Workplace Relations Amendment (WorkChoices) Bill 2005 (Cth) workplace rights had been severely curtailed, eliminating the ‘no-disadvantage test’ and restricting the ability of unions to engage in collective bargaining. For instance, Simon Kokinovski, a worker at the Arrowcrest Group’s Tristar factory was fired without any redundancy payout. This was only made possible under the WorkChoices and unions were unable to effectively fight for his employee rights as their bargaining power had been depleted. (‘No WorkChoices at the 'Torture Factory’, The Sydney Morning Herald, 2007). As I was reading this, I thought "mmm..I hope there's evidence to back this up for a marker" and then I see the media article! Spot on!In response, trade unions once again demonstrated their effectiveness in advocating for workplace rights via their staunch opposition to this legislation. Led by their peak body, the Australian Council of Trade Unions (ACTU), trade unions strongly campaigned against the legislation, launching the‘Your Rights At Work’ information campaign, a programme aimed at raising collective awareness of workplace rights. As a direct result of trade union advocacy, the incumbent Coalition government was defeated and WorkChoices repealed. These developments therefore illustrate the efficacy of trade unions in not only protecting worker’s rights by opposition harmful legislation, but also an ability to guide public opinion towards greater acceptance of employee rights.Thus, the effectiveness of trade unions is aptly illustrated through their opposition to the WorkChoices policy. I love a paragraph that ends how it should. Yours always do!

Additionally, the effectiveness of trade unions is further emphasised through their involvement in establishing the Fair Work Commission (FWC) and in formulating the Fair Work Act 2009 (Cth). Restoring Australia’s compliance with the ILO Declaration on Fundamental Principles and Rights at Work (2008), the act not only removed the deleterious provisions of the previous WorkChoices legislation, but also enshrined under statute law, a commitment to upholding workplace rights across Australia. This is evident through such landmark reforms like the codification of a 38 hour working week as one of  10 National Employment Standards elucidated in the act. The FWC has also been an extremely effective measure in upholding workplace rights, achieved largely to the pressure exerted by trade unions on government, ensuring greater access to dispute resolution mechanisms such as the Fair Work Ombudsman. The advocacy of trade unions has also ensured that a national minimum wage has been established and protected, determined by the FWC annually, further illustrating their efficacy. Hence, the success of the Fair Work Act and the prominent role that trade unions played in developing the legislation, encapsulates the effectiveness of trade unions in advocating for workplace rights.

On the other hand however, in recent years, particularly following the successful passage of the Fair Work Act 2009 (Cth), the effectiveness of trade unions in promoting workplace rights has precipitously diminished. This has primarily occurred due to an acceleration in the decline of trade union membership. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, less than 15% of all Australian workers apart of a trade union. This decline therefore reflects the diminishing clout that trade unions possess, thereby illustrating a clear and growing limitation on their effectiveness in promoting workplace rights. Ironically, the efficacy of trade unions has been further eroded due to their previous success. Having achieved over a century of progress on workplace rights, trade unions are now perceived as though unnecessary. A 2014 poll conducted by the Canberra Times, vindicates this, with 65% of those surveyed believing unions no longer had any effect on the operation of their workplace. Finding the name for this poll and perhaps the publication date is very important. At the moment it sounds a bit airy fairy. I don't think you made it up, of course, but you need to leave no doubt! :) This apathetic attitude has meant that trade unions are not as influential as they once were in effectuating workplace change, therefore hampering their effectiveness.

Furthermore, the effectiveness of trade unions as vehicles for improving workplace rights has declined as the public image of unions has become tarnished. Cases of corruption have damaged the reputation of trade unions as bodies purely interested in advancing the rights of its members. For instance, scandal such as that surrounding the Australian Workers Union (AWU) in which the union was reported to have conscripted bikie gangs to collect outstanding debt has no doubt, adversely affected the perception of trade unions. (‘Trade Unions Using Bikies to Collect Debts’, The Australian, 2016). This is again emphasised in FWA v Thompson (2015) in which disgraced Labor parliamentarian, Craig Thompson, was found guilty of defrauding the Health Services Union, whose members he was supposed to represent. Collectively, these incidences of ethically dubious behaviour have severely damaged the reputation of trade unions and thus, have limited their effectiveness in promoting workplace rights due to the increasing negative publicity. Hence, it is clear that the effectiveness of trade unions as mechanisms for protecting workplace rights has been severely depleted.

In essence, it is clear that on the whole, trade unions have historically been extremely effective in not only establishing, but improving workplace rights across Australia. Despite decreasing effectiveness and influence in the modern age however, trade unions nevertheless still play an important role in protecting workplace rights. Two sentences for a conclusion doesn't quite to justice to the amazing essay I just read. Explicitly talk about some of the examples you gave, if you think that will work. That is my suggestion :)


I'm so pleased to say that this is the work of a Band 6 student! Congratulations. You've done an excellent job here. Your structure isn't flawed, in my opinion! Any little things that would benefit from tidying up, I mentioned :) Your inclusion of media articles and case studies is very smooth. If you had the opportunity, I'd try provide a case study in each paragraph (only because you're at such a high level already). This won't be easy, or perhaps even possible. I haven't studied workplace so I'm not sure. But if you can find a few little extra ones here or there that have some worth, name drop them in :)

I hope this helps, although I definitely didn't help a lot! You've got this one down pat. Feel free to edit and repost at a later date if you want us to have another look with fresh eyes. I do worry that because there is so much accurate, fine details here, that you won't be able to remember all of this so seamlessly in an exam. Is this for an assignment?

All the best :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: gabsspencer on June 11, 2016, 11:17:12 am
Hello!

This is an legal essay on Indigenous People, and although it isn't a very popular choice for the HSC, I was just wondering if I was please able to recieve some external feedback and a rough mark out of 25 if there was time.

Many thanks!


QUESTION: To what extent have legal and non-legal measures been effective in recognising Indigenous People's rights?

Introduction:
The role legal and non-legal responses have, to a large extent, been effective in enhancing the recognition and assimilation of indigenous people’s (IP) culture, land, and intellectual property rights into the national identity, as the moral weight of international measures, a lack of indigenous autonomy and judicial rulings continues to drive political momentum for domestic reform.

However, with minority indigenous groups such as the Torres Strait Islanders, Maoris, Sami’s, Khosan’s and San facing continued repression from overhanging colonial and constitutional conformity, there is an increasing call for long overdue legal and non-legal interventions to redress the long-term conflicts of land tenure and self-determination.


Topic 1:

Historically marginalised and disadvantaged, indigenous groups are increasingly represented by legal and non-legal international bodies and frameworks such as the UN Permanent Forum on Indigenous Peoples, and the ICCPR weight at the national level.

With the UN IGO, International Labour Organisations endorsing the 1989 International Convention on Indigenous and Tribal Peoples (ILO 169) - the first legally binding instrument exclusively protecting indigenous people and non-consensual developments on tribal lands, was established. However, with only 22 countries having ratified it, it’s effectiveness in forging beneficial partnerships, has been severely limited. For example, despite Finland’s criticism by the European Council for failing to ratify ILO 169, this disregard for international standards continues unabated with the recently enacted Finnish Forestry Act 2016. The provisions fails to “contain valuable safeguards for Sami people’s traditional livelihoods, lands, territories and resources” warned the indigenous UN Special Rapporteur, Victoria Tauli-Corpuz, with no informed consent required for railway, mining and forestry projects. Thus, this legal measure has quashed the Sami self-determination, by obstructing the cultural and economic benefits afforded by the land.

However, to help counter state overreach, the NGO’s Greenpeace article, “Victory for Greenpeace and Reindeer in Lapland”, successfully raised social awareness for the demarcation of tribal lands. By subsequently pressurizing the Finnish government to implement a 20-year logging moratorium and establishing a reindeer Forest Rescue Station, the Sami’s livelihood and cultural rights were protected more effectively.

Additionally, the UN Human Rights Committee (HRC)’s international watching brief continues to ensure compliance and enforcement of the ICCPR, as seen in the Sandra Lovelace v Canada 1977 HRC case, where Lovelace successfully argued that Canada’s Indian Act 1876 violated Articles 26 and 27 of the ICCPR, as it stripped women of their inherent Indian status upon marrying externally. This outcome subsequently compelled the government to enact the Indian Amendment Act 1985 and reinstate the lost status of 95,429 persons (ESCR) thus emphasising the effectiveness of legal and non-legal international interventions in formally recognising indigenous cultural rights.


Point 2:

Furthermore, with indigenous lawyer Noel Pearson, rightly stating that, “redressing disadvantage … depends on indigenous people having the power to make decisions that affect them”, the plight of constitutional recognition and parliamentary representation has increasingly relied on legal and non-legal mechanisms.

Although Australian Aboriginal activism precipitated the landmark 1967 Referendum, and resulted in their inclusion in the national census, the detrimental consequences of the government’s new power to legislate over indigenous affairs emerged, in the case of the “Little Children are Sacred” child abuse report, when it suspended the Racial Discrimination Act 1975, and hastily contrived the 2007 NT Intervention policy. Relying on the report’s allegations to build consensus, the policy’s harsh law enforcement and welfare quarantining provisions, earned it a severe rebuke for flagrant overreach and power abuse by the UN Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination. Having portrayed the referendum as symbolic and ineffective, the NGO, Recognise renewed its efforts to drive the social and political agenda for the full inclusion of ATSI in the Australian Constitution, and eradicate any residual racial discrimination provisions, such as, Section 51- “the race power”.

In stark contrast, the seven dedicated Maori seats in the NZ Parliament, and the prominent Treaty of Waitangi established a system of land and property rights, such as the Kaimoana Customary Fishing Regulation 1998, which extended the protection of their fishery livelihoods, and enhanced self-determination.

Elsewhere however, despite the San people comprising 3.3% of the South African population, the country’s Constitution continues to underrepresent this minority and propagate the exploitation of tribal land and resources. For example, in the Hoodia Plant case, The Observer 2011 newspaper, detailed the infringement of the San’s intellectual property rights by a British pharmaceutical company, which patented a native plant’s appetite suppressing ingredient, without consultation or consent. As a counter, the NGOs Working Group of Indigenous Minorities in SA and Biowatch, raised public awareness of the San’s plight, and subsequently established the Hoodia Benefit Sharing Trust, which secured their entitlement to royalties, and highlighted the importance of non-legal intervention to ensure indigenous representation.

Point 3:

Furthermore, although WIPO Director General Francis Gurry stated, “intangible cultural heritage is prone to what is perceived by many as misappropriation and misuse”, judicial rulings and non-legal consultations have increasingly exerted pressure on sovereign states to redress indigenous grievances.

For example, the Australian High Court’s landmark ruling of the Mabo v Queensland (2) 1992, established the Native Title doctrine and subsequently paved the way for the Native Title Act 1993 thereby creating a uniform framework for the registration and recognition of land claims and rights. Although, Mabo’s non-legal prior consultation with Henry Reynolds, a James Cook University history academic, was effective in catalysing the case and led to the realisation that he had a potential claim to the Murray Islands land, no explicit determination regarding ATSI sovereignty arose from the Mabo decision. With the Howard government narrowing the definition of native title, and hastily enacting the Native Title Amendment Act 1998, this increased burden of proof on ATSI exposed an ineffective application of state sovereignty, and saw Justice Robert French rightly proposing a reversal, such that all claimants were presumed to have a “continuous existence and vitality since sovereignty”.

Elsewhere, whilst the independent judicial reviews by the European Court on Human Rights uphold the rights of indigenous people, in the case of Handolsdalen Sami Village v Sweden, the court ruled that the Sami were indeed liable for the Swedish state’s large legal costs, despite their claim under Article 6 of the European Convention on Human Rights- access to courts. In spite of concerted judicial efforts to recognise indigenous rights at domestic and international levels, the case highlights the inherent difficulties faced by traditional land owners when confronting state or privately controlled organisations.

Conclusion:
Thus, with issues of land tenure and minimal autonomy persisting, one would like to see, over the next three years, maximum inclusion of indigenous rights within national charters, as well as greater legal and non-legal international and domestic resources to ensure a political and social climate conducive to fair deliberation, whilst leveraging positive change for indigenous rights.


Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 13, 2016, 12:33:29 am
Quote from: shazzzzzz on June 10, 2016, 04:46:47 pm
Hello, I need some help with my crime and consumer essays!

Crime essay, I gave my teacher this as a practice and they said it was a definite 13/15 and they gave me some pointers but I'm still not sure how to improve it
- My introductions and conclusions are VERY weak
- My evaluations and incorporation for evidence could be better but I'm not sure how I can improve it (can you show me through an example how to improve it?)

My biggest problem is being able to think on the spot and write all of this information in 40 minutes, it's a bit overwhelming, especially with crime where it can be so specific at times, so could you give me some pointers on how to do that?

Thank you so much, and I truly appreciate your help  :D :D :D

Hey Shaz!! Welcome to the forums and thanks for posting your essays, apologies for the wait on getting your feedback, busy weekend for the markers!!  ;D

Okay, so I'm going to give you feedback on the Crime essay right now (focusing on the areas you mentioned), then I want to mark gabsspencer's essay below before coming back for your Consumer one, try and make it as fair as possible  ;D

Away we go! Essay is in the spoiler below with comments in bold  :)

Spoiler
Evaluate the role of discretion in the criminal justice system.

Discretion plays an important role in achieving justice in the criminal justice system however it does so to a mixed level of success. So this works, but it is very simplistic, you can definitely add some meat. Some things to consider: WHY is discretion an important part of the justice system? Would we work better with it or without it? What is good? What is bad? Delve into this more. The criminal justice system allows for discretion to play a part in many areas such as the usage of police powers, the utilisation of the adversary system, statutory and judicial guidelines as well as the types of penalties available. Good list here to set the structure of the essay. Through various pieces of legislation in particular the Crimes Act 2009 (NSW) discretion has been both increased and reduced in numerous areas. You need a more conclusive sentence that, pretty much, says YAY or NAY about discretion, or somewhere in between, but it must be clear where you stand.

Judicial discretion plays a mixed part in sentencing due to the statutory and judicial guidelines in place. Slightly awkward wording here. The Crimes (Sentencing) Act 1999 NSW sets out guidelines for courts to use when sentencing offenders and compels them to follow the same method of chosen cases for sentencing. A judge’s discretion is important in sentencing and can be constrained by standard non-parole periods and mandatory sentences. I added this full stop, you definitely need a break there. Despite this Chief Justice Spigelman asserts in R v Jurisic (1998) that a judge’s discretion is not restricted by these guidelines rather their discretion is given structure, allowing for more consistency and predictability in the sentencing process. Relate THIS point to the effectiveness/ineffectiveness of discretion. Conversely, in the article, ‘Putting the truth into sentencing’, SMH, 2010, the system has been criticised by numerous judges, as limiting their discretion by making them use strict checklists and not common law principles adversely impacts the administration of justice. Furthermore, the NSW Law Reform Commission denounced the Crimes (Sentencing) Act 1999, stating that sentencing needs to fit the individual circumstances and that any discretion a court may exercise should not be taken away. Therefore, due to statutory and judicial guidelines, discretion is utilised in the criminal justice system to a mixed extent. Solid paragraph! Lots of nice points made, would like to see the judgement made a little clearer.

Police have considerable discretion in the powers they are able to utilise in investigations in particular the use of TASERS (electroshock weapon) in the course of arrest with these powers achieving justice to mixed levels. Try to include your judgement in every topic sentence and every conclusive sentence: That is the focus of this paragraph. TASERS are utilised by police against individuals who resist arrest and are a less lethal response than guns allowing for offenders to be apprehended more safely. Unnecessary detail, the marker knows what a taser is! The availability of TASERS as an option to demobilise people allows police at their own discretion to make arrests in a safer manner leading to more just outcomes. Good.  In the article, ‘Police defend using Tasers’- SMH, 2010, it is argued by the NSW Police Association President that the majority of situations where TASERS have been deployed were successfully resolved indicating that police have used their discretion correctly. Any statistic to back this? However the case of Roberto Curti, who died after being tasered 14 times, suggested a different story, revealing the consequences of police using TASERS and in turn their discretion erroneously . In the article ‘Ombudsman slams police for taser use’ –SMH, 2012, the NSW Ombudsman report found that TASERS were misused in 14% of cases, with most victims of taser use being mentally ill or without weapon raising concerns as to whether police were appropriately using the tool to achieve justice. Finding and referencing the REPORT itself would be more effective here than the media article. Henceforth, the discretion of police in their usage of TASERS has both effective and ineffective implications in their delivery of justice.

Individuals are able to utilise their discretion to mixed levels in the adversary system, with areas like charge negotiation heavily reliant on one’s discretion. Good or bad? The ability to decide the conduct and course of one’s case is essential in charge negotiation which is fundamentally discretionary, as it is dependent on the prosecution making the decision to negotiate and the defendant making the choice to plead guilty. Adversely, charge negotiation fails to take into consideration the decisions of victims, restricting the level of discretion victims can exert in court. Oh that's a cool point, I like! In the article, ‘Victims ignored in plea deals’ –SMH 2009, the NSW Police Association raised concerns that many defendants were negotiating their way to lesser charges without appropriate consultation with the police and victims. These concerns were confirmed in the case of Shane Miles (2010), where the family of the victim were not kept fully informed of the charge negotiation process, resulting in feelings of injustice as they’re influence over the case and in turn their discretion was restricted. If possible, always try to reference cases in the form R v Miles (2010).. In consideration of these points one will find that discretion can be applied in the adversary system, notably charge negotiation, to varied degrees. That is an argument I've not seen before, very nice!

Magistrates and judges use their discretion to a mixed degree when deciding the type of penalty an offender will face, which involves making choices that achieve the purposes of punishment (rehabilitation, retribution, incapacitation, deterrence). I think this paragraph would be better merged with the first one under judicial discretion! Breaches of the law must be addressed and are done so through a variety of penalties, home detention, diversionary programs and imprisonment.  Judicial officers effectively use their discretion in deciding the type of penalty an offender will face and whether the penalty is suitable in regards to achieving the purpose of punishment. When a judge has concluded that an offender has reasonable potential of rehabilitating they can at their own discretion sentence an offender to complete a diversionary program which has been found by BOCSAR to reduce reoffending by 37%. On the other hand the penalty of imprisonment has been found by BOCSAR to be an ineffective deterrent against crime (with 41% of released prisoners back in 3 years) and at the discretion of judges been a penalty given out too quickly. Nice use of statistics, its amazing how much this sort of thing adds. In the article ‘Prison is an expensive way to encourage crime’ SMH, 2010 BOCSAR found prison turned offenders in worse criminals, asserting it was unwise to imprison someone for the sole purpose of deterrence, recommending to judges other purposes of punishment were necessary for effective results. Discretion is of a mixed importance when a judge considers the type of penalties they will administer.

The criminal justice system utilises discretion in a range of areas, the usage of TASERS, the type of penalties, charge negotiation and guideline sentencing but in light of this it is applied only to a mixed level. Discretion is a vital part of the administration of justice however it can constrained by legislation such as the Crimes Act 1999 (NSW) but it can also be structured, giving it strength. This conclusion definitely needs more meat; but once you fix up the Thesis, this will follow naturally. Re-state the main idea (very similarly to Thesis. List what you've discussed, then make your final judgement based on your arguments. In that order. It should take about 4 sentences.

Okay, so there are comments throughout, but let me focus on those two bits of feedback.

I definitely agree that your introduction and conclusion need some work. Basically, you need to delve a bit more into the rationale behind your essay, why discretion is worth writing about in the first place. Things like, "Why is discretion even necessary in the first place?", "What are some positives and negatives?" for example. Try thinking about some of these things and starting with that, and only then launching into a list of where it appears. Further, use this to be more specific with your evaluation. Yes, you say somewhat effective, but why?

I think your inclusion of evidence and judgement is mainly a matter of expression. You have all the pieces! It's just about expressing it all together in a nice little package. You need the legislation/case/report/evidence you are using, your analysis of it in terms of discretion, PLUS your judgement. You would also, ideally, flow from one to another in a nice way. For example:

The maximum penalties within the Crimes (Sentencing Procedure) Act 1999 (NSW) enable the use of judicial discretion; an effective mechanism for ensuring just outcomes as the decisions become reflective of modern social standards, and not wholly dependent on stagnant legislative principles. Such discretion was successfully applied in the case of ______ ...

Notice that I don't give any unnecessary detail, the judgement is the key, and importanty, I justify it. I don't just go: evidence, good, next; I explain why it is effective/ineffective.

That last part is a loaded question (I could write pages and pages on it), I'd be happy to lend some more help over on our Legal Studies Question Thread!

I hope this helps as a rough start for you, feel free to post individual paragraphs as you work to improve the response, but it works really well already!! Great work Shaz, and I'll be back with your consumer feedback ASAP  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 13, 2016, 11:32:50 pm
Quote from: gabsspencer on June 11, 2016, 11:17:12 am
Hello!

This is an legal essay on Indigenous People, and although it isn't a very popular choice for the HSC, I was just wondering if I was please able to recieve some external feedback and a rough mark out of 25 if there was time.

Many thanks!

Hey there! Welcome to the forums!!  ;D I'd be happy to give some rough feedback! I didn't do the Option though, so take it with a grain of salt  :D

Spoiler
To what extent have legal and non-legal measures been effective in recognising Indigenous People's rights?

The role legal and non-legal responses have, to a large extent, been effective in enhancing the recognition and assimilation of indigenous people’s (IP) culture, land, and intellectual property rights into the national identity, as the moral weight of international measures, a lack of indigenous autonomy and judicial rulings continues to drive political momentum for domestic reform. I like this! The wording is a little bit messy though, doesn't quite read smoothly, try fixing that up!

However, with minority indigenous groups such as the Torres Strait Islanders, Maoris, Sami’s, Khosan’s and San facing continued repression from overhanging colonial and constitutional conformity, there is an increasing call for long overdue legal and non-legal interventions to redress the long-term conflicts of land tenure and self-determination. Good intro, but I think it needs more meat (two sentences is definitely not enough). Add some justification of why the topic is important for discussion, and remember to add your judgement (this is an evaluation question and you must state your position on the matter definitively.

Topic 1

Historically marginalised and disadvantaged, indigenous groups are increasingly represented by legal and non-legal international bodies and frameworks such as the UN Permanent Forum on Indigenous Peoples, and the ICCPR weight at the national level. Try to integrate a judgement in the start of every sentence: Are these frameworks effective or ineffective?

With the UN IGO, International Labour Organisations endorsing the 1989 International Convention on Indigenous and Tribal Peoples (ILO 169) - the first legally binding instrument exclusively protecting indigenous people and non-consensual developments on tribal lands, was established. However, with only 22 countries having ratified it, it’s effectiveness in forging beneficial partnerships, has been severely limited. For example, despite Finland’s criticism by the European Council for failing to ratify ILO 169, this disregard for international standards continues unabated with the recently enacted Finnish Forestry Act 2016. Excellent analysis and example! The provisions fails to “contain valuable safeguards for Sami people’s traditional livelihoods, lands, territories and resources” warned the indigenous UN Special Rapporteur, Victoria Tauli-Corpuz, with no informed consent required for railway, mining and forestry projects. Thus, this legal measure has quashed the Sami self-determination, by obstructing the cultural and economic benefits afforded by the land. Great examples!! You could try making the wording a little more succinct, but on the whole the evidence is fantastic!

However, to help counter state overreach, the NGO’s Greenpeace article, “Victory for Greenpeace and Reindeer in Lapland”, successfully raised social awareness for the demarcation of tribal lands. By subsequently pressurizing the Finnish government to implement a 20-year logging moratorium and establishing a reindeer Forest Rescue Station, the Sami’s livelihood and cultural rights were protected more effectively. Work on creating 3 complete paragraphs that focus on a single topic: This has strayed from the topic at hand.

Additionally, the UN Human Rights Committee (HRC)’s international watching brief continues to ensure compliance and enforcement of the ICCPR, as seen in the Sandra Lovelace v Canada 1977 HRC case, where Lovelace successfully argued that Canada’s Indian Act 1876 violated Articles 26 and 27 of the ICCPR, as it stripped women of their inherent Indian status upon marrying externally. This outcome subsequently compelled the government to enact the Indian Amendment Act 1985 and reinstate the lost status of 95,429 persons (ESCR) thus emphasising the effectiveness of legal and non-legal international interventions in formally recognising indigenous cultural rights. Effective approach overall! I think you just need to tidy up the structure of the ideas, get it all into one flowing paragraph.

Point 2:

Furthermore, with indigenous lawyer Noel Pearson, rightly stating that, “redressing disadvantage … depends on indigenous people having the power to make decisions that affect them”, the plight of constitutional recognition and parliamentary representation has increasingly relied on legal and non-legal mechanisms.

Although Australian Aboriginal activism precipitated the landmark 1967 Referendum, and resulted in their inclusion in the national census, the detrimental consequences of the government’s new power to legislate over indigenous affairs emerged, in the case of the “Little Children are Sacred” child abuse report, when it suspended the Racial Discrimination Act 1975, and hastily contrived the 2007 NT Intervention policy. Be careful sentences do not flow on too long, this one was a bit of a mouthful! Relying on the report’s allegations to build consensus, the policy’s harsh law enforcement and welfare quarantining provisions, earned it a severe rebuke for flagrant overreach and power abuse by the UN Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Racial Discrimination. Having portrayed the referendum as symbolic and ineffective, the NGO, Recognise renewed its efforts to drive the social and political agenda for the full inclusion of ATSI in the Australian Constitution, and eradicate any residual racial discrimination provisions, such as, Section 51- “the race power”. Remember to continually link your examples to a judgement: Thus, effective because ______, ineffective because ______, etc.

In stark contrast, the seven dedicated Maori seats in the NZ Parliament, and the prominent Treaty of Waitangi established a system of land and property rights, such as the Kaimoana Customary Fishing Regulation 1998, which extended the protection of their fishery livelihoods, and enhanced self-determination. Slightly messy expression here.

Elsewhere however, despite the San people comprising 3.3% of the South African population, the country’s Constitution continues to underrepresent this minority and propagate the exploitation of tribal land and resources. For example, in the Hoodia Plant case, The Observer 2011 newspaper, detailed the infringement of the San’s intellectual property rights by a British pharmaceutical company, which patented a native plant’s appetite suppressing ingredient, without consultation or consent. As a counter, the NGOs Working Group of Indigenous Minorities in SA and Biowatch, raised public awareness of the San’s plight, and subsequently established the Hoodia Benefit Sharing Trust, which secured their entitlement to royalties, and highlighted the importance of non-legal intervention to ensure indigenous representation.

Point 3:

Furthermore, although WIPO Director General Francis Gurry stated, “intangible cultural heritage is prone to what is perceived by many as misappropriation and misuse”, judicial rulings and non-legal consultations have increasingly exerted pressure on sovereign states to redress indigenous grievances. I like your inclusion of quotes to start your argument! Cool touch!  ;D

For example, the Australian High Court’s landmark ruling of the Mabo v Queensland (2) 1992, established the Native Title doctrine and subsequently paved the way for the Native Title Act 1993 thereby creating a uniform framework for the registration and recognition of land claims and rights. Although, Mabo’s non-legal prior consultation with Henry Reynolds, a James Cook University history academic, was effective in catalysing the case and led to the realisation that he had a potential claim to the Murray Islands land, no explicit determination regarding ATSI sovereignty arose from the Mabo decision. With the Howard government narrowing the definition of native title, and hastily enacting the Native Title Amendment Act 1998, this increased burden of proof on ATSI exposed an ineffective application of state sovereignty, and saw Justice Robert French rightly proposing a reversal, such that all claimants were presumed to have a “continuous existence and vitality since sovereignty”.

Elsewhere, whilst the independent judicial reviews by the European Court on Human Rights uphold the rights of indigenous people, in the case of Handolsdalen Sami Village v Sweden, the court ruled that the Sami were indeed liable for the Swedish state’s large legal costs, despite their claim under Article 6 of the European Convention on Human Rights- access to courts. In spite of concerted judicial efforts to recognise indigenous rights at domestic and international levels, the case highlights the inherent difficulties faced by traditional land owners when confronting state or privately controlled organisations.

Conclusion:
Thus, with issues of land tenure and minimal autonomy persisting, one would like to see, over the next three years, maximum inclusion of indigenous rights within national charters, as well as greater legal and non-legal international and domestic resources to ensure a political and social climate conducive to fair deliberation, whilst leveraging positive change for indigenous rights. Definitely need a little more meat to this conclusion as well. Re-state your Thesis, re-list the arguments you have made, and make YOUR judgement (Good, Bad, Ugly) extremely clear.

Not too many comments throughout, I like this essay! Lots of really great ideas, definitely plenty of evidence and examples, you clearly know the content really well (at least from an outsider perspective)!

I'll give two recommendations for improvement; the first being structure. Your structure needs a bit of a polish in several areas. A stronger Thesis paragraph and a stronger conclusion; both of which need to integrate your judgement more clearly. This is an evaluate question, your judgement must be obvious in the beginning and end of the response. Work on being more succinct in your paragraphs to get everything into three distinct paragraphs. You shouldn't need separation within each, the ideas should be well grouped enough to flow together in one complete, logical argument. Remember to integrate your judgement through your examples as well; EG - Thus showing the effectiveness of _______ in recognising indigenous self determination.

Feel free to give this article a read for some extra help with creating and maintaining a Thesis.

My second tip would simply be expression. Work on omitting unnecessary details, being explicit with your judgements, and watch your sentence length. Some sentences are a little long and flow on to new ideas without any separation. It adds effort for the marker, which is never a good thing for a tired HSC Legal marker close to Christmas  ;)

I'd say this is a Band 5 range response (so around the 20/25 mark), but again, I didn't do this Option, so I'm totally unqualified to give that opinion  ;) but you have fantastic ideas, content knowledge is awesome! Great work!  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 14, 2016, 12:00:43 am
Quote from: shazzzzzz on June 10, 2016, 04:46:47 pm
Hello, I need some help with my crime and consumer essays!

Consumer essay, I wrote this for a question I had gotten in an exam, haven't completed it but I would like to know if I'm on the right path, my concerns are
- evaluation
- if i'm answering the question

If there are any issues or things I could do better even if it's small tell me, I need all the criticism I can get

My biggest problem is being able to think on the spot and write all of this information in 40 minutes, it's a bit overwhelming, especially with crime where it can be so specific at times, so could you give me some pointers on how to do that?

Thank you so much, and I truly appreciate your help  :D :D :D

Okay, we're back!! Hope the Crime feedback was useful for you, I'll tackle the consumers essay now! I didn't do this module, so take my word with a grain of salt here; if in doubt, ask your teacher!  ;D

Spoiler
Outline the developing need for consumer protection and examine the effectiveness of the law in dealing with unfair consumer goods and services contracts.

The need for consumer protection has grown overtime. 'Over time', the space is essential there. Prior to the industrial era the notion of caveat emptor (the responsibility was upon the consumers to protect themselves against exploitation) was heavily employed as the assumption was buyers and sellers were on equal footing. However post-industrial era, a power imbalance arose as buyers were unable to properly protect themselves, bringing caveat emptor into question. Nice rationale to lead you in! Perhaps work on tidying up expression a little! Modern consumer protection law has evolved and adapted to reduce conflict and protect consumers from exploitation, achieving greater levels of justice. Contemporary examples of consumer protection against unfair contracts include – common law and statutory protections, the standards implied by statutes and legislative protections against negligence with these measures being of a significant level of effectiveness in light of some drawbacks. Fantastic introduction! Answers the question well, sets up the response very nicely.

Common law and statutory protections are in place to prevent unjust contracts with these laws handling conflicts in a relatively effective manner. Good topic sentence. If a contract is unjust, the innocent party can seek legal remedies/redress through the intervention of courts, with unjust contracts able to be set aside or rescinded. Not totally necessary info; assume your marker knows this already (because they do), focus on your own ideas not content! Common law protections are reasonably effective in the resolving of contractual disputes as their decisions are legally binding and enforceable. This enforceability is clearly seen in the article ‘Asking for trouble’, 2011, SMH with the decision of NSW Court of Appeal in Fast Fix Loans vs Samardic (2011) justly placing tighter restrictions on lenders regarding the factors they need to meet before adding guarantors to contractual agreements with the intention of avoiding the establishment of unjust contracts. Furthermore statutory protections have increased considerably with the implementation of cooling-off periods in various pieces of legislation allowing contractual conflict to be more easily prevented and resolved. Example of legislation? Consumers can be subjected to pressure sales tactics and enter into contracts that they otherwise wouldn’t have, in these situations cooling off periods allow consumers to change their minds and withdraw from contracts. The 10 day cooling off period granted by the Fair Trading Act 1987 provides consumers with an opportunity to think about contract decisions in a reasonable manner and genuinely give their consent, effectively preventing the entering of unjust contracts. You could take the information from these last few sentences and blend it into a single sentence; be succinct when you can! Adversely, cooling off periods has been argued by businesses as a chance for consumers to unfairly renege contracts even when they haven’t been unduly pressured. Additionally, while common law protection is an effective avenue of justice, it is expensive and time consuming deterring many individuals from seeking compensation or damages. While there are prevalent issues with common law and statutory protections, the overall impact has been significantly effective in the management of unjust contracts. Excellent!

To prevent the establishment of unfair contracts, state and federal statutes ensure consumer goods and services contain implied terms (terms not expressly stated but enforceable by statutes) to provide protection for consumers against unconscionable conduct, deceptive advertising and defective products. These standards implied by statutes are generally effective in handling consumer concerns but tend to overlook the needs of businesses. The Competition and Consumer Act 2010 (Cth) (CACA) is a recent law that incorporates and builds upon previous legislation, it enables contracts to be voided and rescinded if any of the implied terms are breached; effectively protecting consumers from the exploitation of businesses and appropriately handling unfair consumer contracts. This effectiveness of implied terms are demonstrated in the case of ACCC v Hewlett Packard (2013), ACCC succeeded in negligence against the manufacturer for the breach of an implied term of contract, that the product would be ‘reasonably  fit for its purpose’. Implied terms are enforceable to a high degree due to CACA outlining new monetary penalties for unconscionable conduct of up to $1.1 million for corporations and $220 000 for individuals with these fines appropriately punishing the establishment of unfair contracts and deterring suppliers and manufacturers from breaching consumer law. This sort of "super specific" content, is a nice touch, but think about whether your point is just as effective without these sort of figures. If it is, then remove them, don't waste any space! Conversely, the standards implied by statutes limit a business’s freedom of expression by restricting the manner in which they develop and employ their contracts however these limits are seen by the majority as a positive for society as they help protect customers from the unscrupulous conduct of sellers. Report? Media Article? Try to link every observation with a piece of evidence. The standards implied by statues have been beneficial in the regulation of contracts though it may be restricting it has effectively dealt with unjust contracts.

This is a great start for an essay! Your Thesis is absolutely fantastic, you have excellent ideas and integrate your judgement extremely well. Paragraphs are well structured, and the essay just flows really nicely, which is a hard thing to do!

There is really not much I can suggest here (especially given I didn't study this Option), I think it is stellar! I would say you are answering the question, though perhaps you could hit the "developing need for consumer protection" aspect a little more obviously throughout each section. You are definitely integrating your judgement extremely well, and thus answering the question. The two concerns you mentioned are definitely being handled really well (IMO)  ;D

Some slight issues of expression and being succinct, but I think you are absolutely on the right track with this essay, stellar work!!  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Son of Thatcher on June 14, 2016, 12:57:54 pm
Quote from: elysepopplewell on June 10, 2016, 10:36:16 pm
Hey there! I'll have a look :)

You know the drill, comments in bold throughout :)
Spoiler
Assess the effectiveness of trade unions in protecting workplace rights

Trade unions, associations of workers with a common goal of improving working conditions, have been for the most part, extremely effective in protecting workplace rights. Although declining in effectiveness contemporarily, awkward word here, perhaps, "in recent/modern times"? trade unions in the past were immensely consequential in safeguarding basic workplace rights. Nevertheless, despite this diminishing influence, it is irrefutable that historically, trade unions have been extremely effective in upholding workplace rights.  I'd perhaps add a tiny tiny bit of context to beef up this intro - perhaps saying that the labor movement, the trade union movement, blah blah, gained momentum in the decade of .... (I don't know when). This might give you just a little more to anchor the essay in at the start. I see you've mentioned the history throughout, but start it here :) Great judgement, by the way! Really unique.

Trade unions have played an extremely effective role during the early years of federation. Of critical importance was the establishment of Australia’s principal workplace tribunal, the Commonwealth Court of Conciliation and Arbitration, established under the Conciliation and Arbitration Act 1904 (Cth). This act, largely advocated for by the burgeoning trade union movement, represents an extremely effective attempt aimed at safeguarding workplace rights, emphasising the importance of conciliation and arbitration as alternative dispute resolution mechanism and ensuring that workers were able to have their cases heard. Further, the court was also bequeathed unprecedented power to determine and enforce an award, enshrining basic employee rights and minimum conditions in a manner that was significantly effective in protecting workplace rights. This principle of fair working terms and conditions was further affirmed in Ex parte H.V McKay (1907), which established a living wage for workers. Although trade unions were not directly affiliated with this case, it is evident that their advocacy of worker’s rights clearly influenced the decision of the bench which in turn, positively impacted workplace rights for many years. As a result of trade union activity in this instance, Australia was already in compliance with the precepts elaborated by the constitution of the International Labor Organisation (ILO) established in 1919, an international organisation dedicated to promoting worker’s rights. Hence trade unions have undoubtedly played a key and effective role in safeguarding workplace rights during Australia’s early federation years. This is wonderful! Great knowledge, no waffling, clear dates, a case study, and analysis! Seriously, AMAZING!

Moreover, trade unions have exercised a both pivotal and effective role in promoting workplace rights, chiefly through their opposition to WorkChoices. Again, another brilliant and unique thesis!As a result of the Workplace Relations Amendment (WorkChoices) Bill 2005 (Cth) workplace rights had been severely curtailed, eliminating the ‘no-disadvantage test’ and restricting the ability of unions to engage in collective bargaining. For instance, Simon Kokinovski, a worker at the Arrowcrest Group’s Tristar factory was fired without any redundancy payout. This was only made possible under the WorkChoices and unions were unable to effectively fight for his employee rights as their bargaining power had been depleted. (‘No WorkChoices at the 'Torture Factory’, The Sydney Morning Herald, 2007). As I was reading this, I thought "mmm..I hope there's evidence to back this up for a marker" and then I see the media article! Spot on!In response, trade unions once again demonstrated their effectiveness in advocating for workplace rights via their staunch opposition to this legislation. Led by their peak body, the Australian Council of Trade Unions (ACTU), trade unions strongly campaigned against the legislation, launching the‘Your Rights At Work’ information campaign, a programme aimed at raising collective awareness of workplace rights. As a direct result of trade union advocacy, the incumbent Coalition government was defeated and WorkChoices repealed. These developments therefore illustrate the efficacy of trade unions in not only protecting worker’s rights by opposition harmful legislation, but also an ability to guide public opinion towards greater acceptance of employee rights.Thus, the effectiveness of trade unions is aptly illustrated through their opposition to the WorkChoices policy. I love a paragraph that ends how it should. Yours always do!

Additionally, the effectiveness of trade unions is further emphasised through their involvement in establishing the Fair Work Commission (FWC) and in formulating the Fair Work Act 2009 (Cth). Restoring Australia’s compliance with the ILO Declaration on Fundamental Principles and Rights at Work (2008), the act not only removed the deleterious provisions of the previous WorkChoices legislation, but also enshrined under statute law, a commitment to upholding workplace rights across Australia. This is evident through such landmark reforms like the codification of a 38 hour working week as one of  10 National Employment Standards elucidated in the act. The FWC has also been an extremely effective measure in upholding workplace rights, achieved largely to the pressure exerted by trade unions on government, ensuring greater access to dispute resolution mechanisms such as the Fair Work Ombudsman. The advocacy of trade unions has also ensured that a national minimum wage has been established and protected, determined by the FWC annually, further illustrating their efficacy. Hence, the success of the Fair Work Act and the prominent role that trade unions played in developing the legislation, encapsulates the effectiveness of trade unions in advocating for workplace rights.

On the other hand however, in recent years, particularly following the successful passage of the Fair Work Act 2009 (Cth), the effectiveness of trade unions in promoting workplace rights has precipitously diminished. This has primarily occurred due to an acceleration in the decline of trade union membership. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, less than 15% of all Australian workers apart of a trade union. This decline therefore reflects the diminishing clout that trade unions possess, thereby illustrating a clear and growing limitation on their effectiveness in promoting workplace rights. Ironically, the efficacy of trade unions has been further eroded due to their previous success. Having achieved over a century of progress on workplace rights, trade unions are now perceived as though unnecessary. A 2014 poll conducted by the Canberra Times, vindicates this, with 65% of those surveyed believing unions no longer had any effect on the operation of their workplace. Finding the name for this poll and perhaps the publication date is very important. At the moment it sounds a bit airy fairy. I don't think you made it up, of course, but you need to leave no doubt! :) This apathetic attitude has meant that trade unions are not as influential as they once were in effectuating workplace change, therefore hampering their effectiveness.

Furthermore, the effectiveness of trade unions as vehicles for improving workplace rights has declined as the public image of unions has become tarnished. Cases of corruption have damaged the reputation of trade unions as bodies purely interested in advancing the rights of its members. For instance, scandal such as that surrounding the Australian Workers Union (AWU) in which the union was reported to have conscripted bikie gangs to collect outstanding debt has no doubt, adversely affected the perception of trade unions. (‘Trade Unions Using Bikies to Collect Debts’, The Australian, 2016). This is again emphasised in FWA v Thompson (2015) in which disgraced Labor parliamentarian, Craig Thompson, was found guilty of defrauding the Health Services Union, whose members he was supposed to represent. Collectively, these incidences of ethically dubious behaviour have severely damaged the reputation of trade unions and thus, have limited their effectiveness in promoting workplace rights due to the increasing negative publicity. Hence, it is clear that the effectiveness of trade unions as mechanisms for protecting workplace rights has been severely depleted.

In essence, it is clear that on the whole, trade unions have historically been extremely effective in not only establishing, but improving workplace rights across Australia. Despite decreasing effectiveness and influence in the modern age however, trade unions nevertheless still play an important role in protecting workplace rights. Two sentences for a conclusion doesn't quite to justice to the amazing essay I just read. Explicitly talk about some of the examples you gave, if you think that will work. That is my suggestion :)


I'm so pleased to say that this is the work of a Band 6 student! Congratulations. You've done an excellent job here. Your structure isn't flawed, in my opinion! Any little things that would benefit from tidying up, I mentioned :) Your inclusion of media articles and case studies is very smooth. If you had the opportunity, I'd try provide a case study in each paragraph (only because you're at such a high level already). This won't be easy, or perhaps even possible. I haven't studied workplace so I'm not sure. But if you can find a few little extra ones here or there that have some worth, name drop them in :)

I hope this helps, although I definitely didn't help a lot! You've got this one down pat. Feel free to edit and repost at a later date if you want us to have another look with fresh eyes. I do worry that because there is so much accurate, fine details here, that you won't be able to remember all of this so seamlessly in an exam. Is this for an assignment?

All the best :)

Once more, thanks so much - I am in your debt :D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 14, 2016, 03:03:45 pm
Quote from: Son of Thatcher on June 14, 2016, 12:57:54 pm
Once more, thanks so much - I am in your debt :D

Oh, stop it! ;) Check back any time :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: shazzzzzz on June 14, 2016, 09:09:12 pm
Jamonwindeyer, thank you so much!! There is no need for apologies, I really appreciate the help ;D
Thank you for pointing out where I went wrong, I realize these are things I know but I have tendency to leave things out here and there or make some small mistake but they all add up and I can lose some important marks but again truly appreciate, will be back  :D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 14, 2016, 11:35:41 pm
Attention! The essay marking rules have now changed  ;D Due to increasing popularity, and to make sure essay marking services remain accessible for active members of the ATAR Notes community, a new post exchange policy is in effect for all essays below this line. Every 5 ATAR Notes posts qualifies you for one essay to be marked. 50 posts qualifies you for 10 essays, etc. Details can be found at this link! Thanks!  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: itswags98 on June 26, 2016, 10:54:05 pm
Hi!
This essay of mine is due Tuesday but unfortunately i haven't finished it all yet. Would really appreciate some feedback on the stuff i have so far.
Spoiler
C)   Evaluate the effectiveness of the Family Court of Australia in achieving justice for family members.

The Family Court of Australia places great emphasis on achieving justice for family members among all family law matters in which it deals with and effectively aims to meet society’s needs but falls short in the fight against criminal domestic violence. The consequences of separation greatly affect children which resulted in many different legislations to ensure that the laws surrounding children is enforced and that the children’s best interests is always first. Furthermore, the Family Court extends the principle of a child’s best interest to the laws surrounding surrogacy and ensures that individual rights are protected. However, justice is not always achieved for families dealing with surrogacy due to the constant change of ethical and moral standards of society.

Domestic violence in Australia effectively highlights the weak capabilities of the family court and how it exercises those in regards to achieving justice for victims. Family Court Injunctions prevent someone from doing something or may order them to do something and is obtained under the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth). Although an injunction operates the same way as an Apprehended violence order, it is more difficult to enforce thus resulting in many problems. The problems surrounding Injunctions include that it is not immediately obtainable and increases women’s fear of being viewed negatively by the court. The article ‘ABC - Violent death prompts restraining order rethink’ demonstrates the lack of enforceability and the inadequacy of protecting victims that plagues Injunctions through the death of Sargun Ragi. Ms Ragi was murdered by her husband the day after reapplying for an Injunction in the court although 8 restraining orders had already been broken beforehand by her husband. This shows that while injunctions may prevent some domestic violence, they are not resource efficient and effectively fail to achieve justice for those suffering from domestic violence. Furthermore, family violence and parenting orders are infected with the same problems as Injunctions. Under the Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility) Act 2006 (Cth) considers whether there has been family violence present and then creates parenting order. The family court of Australia must ensure that that any orders about the future of a child are made consistent with existing family violence orders and to always consider the best interests of the children. The case ‘Lewis & Wackett [2010] FamCA 946 (26 October 2010)’ presents a restraining order against the father of the children due to physical abuse and effectively achieves justice for the children and the mother.  Parenting orders deal with violence as part of a larger problem and recognize the effect of family violence on children however they are only effective if policed and efficiently enforced.

The effects of separation can have vastly huge impacts on children and impact the way they are raised. Under the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth), parents whether they are married or not both have responsibility for the care and welfare of children. This legislation often lead to children being treated as objects when decisions were being made by the Family Court, rather than human beings. This was changed substantially by the Family Law Reform Act 1995 (Cth) which replaced the terminology of ‘custody’ and ‘access’ to ‘residence’ and ‘contact’. By putting the ‘best interests’ of the child first and foremost, the Family Court is able to ensure that the child’s rights are protected. The Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility) Act 2006 (Cth) focused on creating equal shared parental responsibility which allowed the parents to consult each other and agree on ‘major long term issues’. The evaluation of the 2006 Family Law Reforms by the Australian Institute of Family Studies showed that 16% of children spend equal time with both parents now which is an increase from 9% in 2003. This led to a 22% decline in the number of cases going to the family court regarding the care of children thus achieving justice for children. The case Shakir v Shakir (2014) demonstrates the shared parental responsibility of the 2006 FLA act and focuses on the conciliation and mediation of parents that have issues. The father of the children is allowed to live with the children under the agreement that he has constant random drug tests and the mother is able to see them every weekend due to having a full time job. The Family Court effectively achieved justice for all parties while putting the ‘best interests’ of the children first foremost.

I couldnt really find many cases for domestic violence in the Family Court as they were all dealt with in some way in other courts :/
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 27, 2016, 06:26:58 pm
Quote from: itswags98 on June 26, 2016, 10:54:05 pm
Hi!
This essay of mine is due Tuesday but unfortunately i haven't finished it all yet. Would really appreciate some feedback on the stuff i have so far.

Hey there! Sure thing, happy to give you some feedback, hopefully it is of some use with your essay due tomorrow!!  ;D


Spoiler
Evaluate the effectiveness of the Family Court of Australia in achieving justice for family members.

The Family Court of Australia places great emphasis on achieving justice for family members among all family law matters in which it deals with and effectively aims to meet society’s needs but falls short in the fight against criminal domestic violence. This sentence might be a tad long. I'd break it up by also discussing what you think it MEANS to achieve justice for all family members (this is something which everyone defines differently so it is a great way to start the essay). The consequences of separation greatly affect children which resulted in many different legislations to ensure that the laws surrounding children is enforced and that the children’s best interests is always first. Some slight syntax issues in that sentence; when you are done, be sure to read the essay aloud to see how it sounds! Furthermore, the Family Court extends the principle of a child’s best interest to the laws surrounding surrogacy and ensures that individual rights are protected. However, justice is not always achieved for families dealing with surrogacy due to the constant change of ethical and moral standards of society. I think your ideas in this Thesis are great, but maybe slightly unorganised! I'd love to see a distinct introduction defining the role (achieving justice) of the family court, and only THEN a brief rundown of the examples. I also want to see a conclusive sentence which offers your final judgement ("Thus, it will be proven that the Family Court of Australia is ...")

Domestic violence in Australia effectively highlights the weak capabilities of the family court and how it exercises those in regards to achieving justice for victims. Great introduction! Family Court Injunctions prevent someone from doing something or may order them to do something and is obtained under the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth). Your expression there could be a bit better. Although an injunction operates the same way as an Apprehended violence order, it is more difficult to enforce thus resulting in many problems. WHY is it more difficult to enforce? This works really well, but I'd love to see some evidence of this. The problems surrounding Injunctions include that it is not immediately obtainable and increases women’s fear of being viewed negatively by the court. Evidence? The article ‘ABC - Violent death prompts restraining order rethink’ demonstrates the lack of enforceability and the inadequacy of protecting victims that plagues Injunctions through the death of Sargun Ragi. Ms Ragi was murdered by her husband the day after reapplying for an Injunction in the court although 8 restraining orders had already been broken beforehand by her husband. This shows that while injunctions may prevent some domestic violence, they are not resource efficient and effectively fail to achieve justice for those suffering from domestic violence. Good! Furthermore, family violence and parenting orders are infected with the same problems as Injunctions. Don't use the word 'infected,' keep your essay sophisticated and objective (too emotive). Under the Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility) Act 2006 (Cth) considers whether there has been family violence present and then creates parenting order. Expression issues here as well. The family court of Australia must ensure that that any orders about the future of a child are made consistent with existing family violence orders and to always consider the best interests of the children. The case ‘Lewis & Wackett [2010] FamCA 946 (26 October 2010)’ presents a restraining order against the father of the children due to physical abuse and effectively achieves justice for the children and the mother. Try to be a little more succinct with your case inclusions by covering the case, AND what it shows about the effectiveness of the Family Court, in a single sentence (if you can, it is tough sometimes!).  Parenting orders deal with violence as part of a larger problem and recognize the effect of family violence on children however they are only effective if policed and efficiently enforced. Solid paragraph, a bit more evidence and slightly more sophisticated presentation would elevate it further!

The effects of separation can have vastly huge impacts on children and impact the way they are raised. Try not to add unnecessary words; if you are clever, you can keep your sentences very 'to the point.' For example, 'vastly' is unnecessary in that sentence. Under the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth), parents whether they are married or not both have responsibility for the care and welfare of children. This legislation often lead to children being treated as objects when decisions were being made by the Family Court, rather than human beings. This was changed substantially by the Family Law Reform Act 1995 (Cth) which replaced the terminology of ‘custody’ and ‘access’ to ‘residence’ and ‘contact’. Again, try to be succinct, remember the marker KNOWS what the FLA is! You could just say: "A major weakness in the FLA, the objectification of children in Family Court proceedings (include article?), was effectively addressed by terminology changes in the Reform Act, etc etc." By putting the ‘best interests’ of the child first and foremost, the Family Court is able to ensure that the child’s rights are protected. The Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility) Act 2006 (Cth) focused on creating equal shared parental responsibility which allowed the parents to consult each other and agree on ‘major long term issues’. This sentence after the one prior feels unnecessary. The evaluation of the 2006 Family Law Reforms by the Australian Institute of Family Studies showed that 16% of children spend equal time with both parents now which is an increase from 9% in 2003. This led to a 22% decline in the number of cases going to the family court regarding the care of children thus achieving justice for children. Nice inclusion of stats! The case Shakir v Shakir (2014) demonstrates the shared parental responsibility of the 2006 FLA act and focuses on the conciliation and mediation of parents that have issues. The father of the children is allowed to live with the children under the agreement that he has constant random drug tests and the mother is able to see them every weekend due to having a full time job. The Family Court effectively achieved justice for all parties while putting the ‘best interests’ of the children first foremost. Again, solid paragraph, your ideas would be more powerful with some more evidence and some more succinct expression (which is mainly to give you room for more evidence)


A really great essay here itswags!! I think it is structured really clearly (well defined introductions and conclusions which is great), excellent ideas presented, and I think you've done a great job incorporating cases!! You also were evaluating your ideas very effectively throughout.

In some areas, I'd like to see you go into an idea with more detail or present more evidence (EG - the comparison of injunctions and AVO's was brilliant, I'd love to see that carried through the entire paragraph actually!). This will just give you a more convincing argument. Some more succinct expression would help this in areas as well, to maximise the impact of your ideas for the marker.

On the whole, really great ideas here!! Just some additions and tidy-ups in places would make them shine even more, great work!!  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: itswags98 on June 27, 2016, 06:48:06 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on June 27, 2016, 06:26:58 pm

A really great essay here itswags!! I think it is structured really clearly (well defined introductions and conclusions which is great), excellent ideas presented, and I think you've done a great job incorporating cases!! You also were evaluating your ideas very effectively throughout.

In some areas, I'd like to see you go into an idea with more detail or present more evidence (EG - the comparison of injunctions and AVO's was brilliant, I'd love to see that carried through the entire paragraph actually!). This will just give you a more convincing argument. Some more succinct expression would help this in areas as well, to maximise the impact of your ideas for the marker.

On the whole, really great ideas here!! Just some additions and tidy-ups in places would make them shine even more, great work!!  ;D

I very much appreciate the help. Essay writing has never been one of my strong points as i tend to have simple language and ideas put forward which seems to hold me back but I 10000000000000000x appreciate the help youve given me. Ill edit it up soon! Thanks :3
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: tahmina on July 10, 2016, 04:58:49 pm
hey, can you please mark these /25 ! currently struggling a lot in legal just need some thorough feedback please !
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 10, 2016, 10:32:40 pm
Quote from: tahmina on July 10, 2016, 04:58:49 pm
hey, can you please mark these /25 ! currently struggling a lot in legal just need some thorough feedback please !

Hey Tahmina! I'd definitely be keen to give you some feedback on these essays, but if you want them both marked you'll need to hit 30 ATAR Notes posts! You've had 4 essays marked previously, to get 6 marked you need to hit 30 ;D I'll mark the first one once you hit 25!   :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: tahmina on July 11, 2016, 08:09:08 am
oh so sorry i completely forgot about that ! i will ensure i reach the limit thank you
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: conic curve on July 11, 2016, 10:50:19 am
Quote from: tahmina on July 11, 2016, 08:09:08 am
oh so sorry i completely forgot about that ! i will ensure i reach the limit thank you

To increase your post count, you can ask/post questions you are struggling with on this forum or you can start a conversation in the HSC class of 2016 discussion thread
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Nicki on July 13, 2016, 07:58:54 pm
Hi! just wondering if it would be alright to get an opinion on an essay, just the intro as i want to see if my writing is good and where i could maybe improve

thank you! (if i need to post more so that i go with the essay marking rules just let me know :)

for family
evaluate the effectiveness of legal and non legal responses to same sex relationships

changing societal values, greater acceptance and reduced stigma pertaining to same sex relationships has been effectively responded to by both legal and non legal responses to a large extent. Although, the community experiences conflicting views on the family matter as the nature of homosexuality can clash with cultural and religious beliefs, which has been restricting on the law meeting the needs of those in same sex relationships. we have witnessed this as these couples still face inequality when it comes to legal marriage where the statute of the Marriage Amendment Act (2004) cth by the John Howard government reinforced the notion displayed in the Marriage Act (1961) cth and the Hyde v Hyde and Woodmansee (1866) defines marriage as only between a man and a woman. Nevertheless, the discrimination and oppression of same sex couples as previously derived from not just the law but other aspects of society has been effectively responded to by extensive law reform including the same sex relationships (equal treatment in commonwealth laws - general law reform) act 2008 cth amending 85 laws that held discrimination against same sex couples. Law reform has evolved an enormous amount to assist in protecting the rights of same sex couples as well as changing values within society.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 13, 2016, 11:37:21 pm
Hey guys!! I'll be doing a lot of marking the next few days to catch up on the backlog after our recent lecture series. You are not forgotten! Hang tight  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 14, 2016, 10:36:12 am
Quote from: Nicki on July 13, 2016, 07:58:54 pm
Hi! just wondering if it would be alright to get an opinion on an essay, just the intro as i want to see if my writing is good and where i could maybe improve

thank you! (if i need to post more so that i go with the essay marking rules just let me know :)

for family
evaluate the effectiveness of legal and non legal responses to same sex relationships


Hi there! I'll jump on this now :)

I'll pop it in a spoiler here with my comments written in bold throughout :) This doesn't need 5 posts to qualify because it is just a paragraph :)

Spoiler
Changing societal values, greater acceptance and reduced stigma pertaining to same sex relationships has been effectively responded to by both I would switch this around and say the legal and non-legal responses have responded to the values, acceptance and reduced stigma. So the section I crossed out, I would swap for the words "prompting effective change in..." Or, you can just rearrange the sentence to suit your style :) legal and non legal responses to a large extent. Although, the community specify which community you are referring to :) experiences conflicting views on the family matter as the nature of homosexuality can clash with cultural and religious beliefs, which has been restricting on the law meeting the needs of those in same sex relationships. we have witnessed this as these couples still face inequality when it comes to legal marriage where the statute of the Marriage Amendment Act (2004) cth by the John Howard government reinforced the notion displayed in the Marriage Act (1961) cth and the Hyde v Hyde and Woodmansee (1866) defines marriage as only between a man and a woman. This is a really long sentence, so definitely consider splitting it up into two or three smaller ones. Later on in your body paragraphs, make sure you give specific examples of how the religious views affects law. For example, the current federeal party's stance towards a plebiscite, and you can also include various quotes from parliamentarians or other law-making figures who have commented on their views of marriage equality in legislation.Nevertheless, the discrimination and oppression of same sex couples as previously derived from not just the law but other aspects of society has been effectively responded to by extensive law reform including the same sex relationships (equal treatment in commonwealth laws - general law reform) act 2008 cth amending 85 laws that held discrimination against same sex couples. Law reform has evolved an enormous amount to assist in protecting the rights of same sex couples as well as changing values within society. I tend to think that because your initial judgement is that the law reform is effective, that you should put this last section of the paragraph before the marriage equality section. And then bring in the marriage equality section with something like, "the greatest area of potential reform in public discussion at the moment is marriage equality..." You won't have to put in the legislation or the Hyde case in the introduction this way, because it will be left like a teaser for what is yet to come in your body paragraph. I'm indifferent towards using legislation in your introduction, I don't see it is a wrong or right thing to do!

You've really given yourself a lot of scope for your essay here which is great! With some small adjustments, I think you've got a lot of great stuff happening here! I mean, you've not only made a great thesis by focusing on the idea of reform (so important for this same sex relationship topic, because the developments can be mapped on a historical timeline), but you've also clearly outlined where you will be going with this essay, which gives it awesome strength. If I were you, I'd be really proud of this! Great effort!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 14, 2016, 02:08:48 pm
Quote from: tahmina on July 10, 2016, 04:58:49 pm
hey, can you please mark these /25 ! currently struggling a lot in legal just need some thorough feedback please !

Hey Tahmina! Sorry for the delay in marking these, this is the Family one to start with! Comments throughout in bold as usual  ;D

Spoiler
The multifaceted nature of the legal system allows it to be both effective and ineffective in ensuring compliance with the law regarding family relationships. What exactly do you mean by "multifaceted?" Are you referring to the variety of legal/non legal responses? The legal system can never ensure complete compliance but ensures it effectively through legislation and common laws implemented in the family law areas of surrogacy. Careful, this is a little contradictory, I'd swap it to something like: The legal system attempts to ensure compliance through ________, however, can be seen ineffective because _______," or similar.  The law can be seen to not effectively ensure compliance in the areas of domestic violence and relationship breakdown involving children. Any big reasons why you'll be focusing on? In the issue of the legal rights and obligations of parents agreement with the law can be seen to occur, but more reform both legally and socially is needed for such effectiveness. Try to conclude your intro with a final, "Thus, ______." A broad conclusion to launch you into the essay. On the whole, this intro needs a bit of work to develop a clearer Thesis, but a good start!

In family law issue of surrogacy, much recent reform has been orchestrated as a means to effectively encourage compliance with the law. Slight issue with wording at the start (missing a "the" I think), but good intro! The need to change and reform surrogacy laws to ones which were more coherent and simpler to comply with are noted in ‘Time to Change unjust surrogacy laws’ 2007 the age and in case law demonstrating the complex nature of complying with such laws ‘Wilson and Anor and Roberts and Anor 2010’. Fantastic analysis, I love the inclusion of media, but be sure you are expressing yourself clearly, ensure titles are capitalised, ensure media article sources and dates are bracketed (The Age, 2007). Those were great examples, but not expressed well. Thus in the surrogacy Act nsw 2010 was implemented to create a more decisive and coherent set of laws that are to be compiled with and that encouraged through their reflection of societies values and ethics. Ensure legislation is capitalised. SMH published an article in 2015 stating head of family court Diana Bryant is confident Australia will legalize commercial surrogacy to prevent such tragedies such as ‘Baby Gammy’ who was let behind because of his disability. You could probably adjust this to include a direct quote or paraphrase Diana, and then just put (Sydney Morning Herald) in brackets. Commercial surrogacy is outlawed in Australian states and territories, but such couples that are desperate for a child persist in breaking the law. In the case RE Michael 2009, The case was heard under the family law act because the state lacked legislation relating to surrogacy. Would you say this demonstrates a limitation of the legal response to surrogacy? It was found that the court could not make an order over the parentage they had to apply, to the Supreme Court for an adoption under the adoption act 2000. Thus the surrogacy act nsw was made with the best interest of the child in mind, ratification of CROC and such agreement with this main Goal is central to the legislation and subsequent case law. All your ideas in this essay are fantastic, I'm reading through and loving some of the things you are mentioning, but the expression is holding back their success because it is difficult to follow your thought process at times. Highlighted in the landmark case Elison v Kanchanit 2012 where non-compliance with the surrogacy acts ban on commercial surrogacy was overlooked for the ‘best interest of the child’. Evidently in the family law issue of Surrogacy effectively encourages laws that reflect society’s values and ethics and are used for the best interest of the child.  A great paragraph in terms of evidence, but I'd like to see more links to values and ethics, and some more evaluative statements (effective/ineffective)

Changes to surrogacy laws in recent years were vital due to the absence of legislation that adequately and conclusively addressed the practice of altruistic or not profit and commercial surrogacy. Great intro! In the case of re evelyn 2998 the birth mother did not wish to give her child up to the commissioning parents, with the court ruling in favor indicating that the protection of vulnerable family members and the best interest of the child are paramount in determining surrogacy matters which may, however head to injustice for family members. Do you think this was an effective ruling? This was highlighted in the case of re Michael, where both the birth mother and commissioning parents were in full agreements towards the transfer of parenting responsibilities. Thus in 2009, the NSW standing committee on law and justice launched an inquiry into surrogacy, receiving over 100 submission from groups such as gay and lesbian rights lobby and the Australian family association. What was the outcome of this? Thus highlights the effectiveness of non legal responses in resolving family conflict in achieving justice for families. This paragraph has addressed only legal responses, courts and committees are all legal in nature!

According to Hammer 2013, ‘domestic violence is one of the most widespread human rights abuses in Australia and Globally. It is because of the NSW legal system has done a lot to effectively deal with all types of domestic violence, including emotional and sexual. Issue with expression there. Most of their responses has been through the substantial changes in legislation over time, especially through the introduction of ADVOS under the crime (domestic violence) amendment act 1982 (nsw). Good example, but capitalise legislation. The provision of ADVOS improved a lot since then, evident recently through the crime (domestic and personal amendment act 2013(commenced in 2014) which enables police to remove offenders form the scene. Try to avoid more colloquial expression like "a lot", replace with more powerful word choice like "substantially." Both AVDO’s and APVO’s have proven to be generally effective given that, out of the 24,378 and 7,325 respectively granted y local courts in NSW, most were found without incidents. Is this statistic from BOCSAR? In Jennifer Kokany’s case in 2015 apprehended and avo against her violent husband, however the law did not cooperate and breached the AVO due to her husband being wealthy. Also highlighted in the ‘no single factor, no single solution to domestic’ claims 64% of domestic violence reported are by men which director of the Bureau of Crime Statistics and Research states providing more apprehended orders and more venues for escapes to pursue domestic violence from happening. Was that a report? A media article? Be sure to be specific. As seen in R v Mulvihill where Simon gitanny was charged with the murder of Lisa Harnum Be sure to conclude each of your paragraphs. Again, you have great examples, but I don't think you are using them as effectively as you could be!

However this response is not fool print as ADVOS can be breached, also evident through the Ingrid Paulson case, where her children and her father were killed by her husband (who killed himself). Be sure to have a proper introduction to your paragraphs! Despite the ADVO against him ‘A mothers tale of murder reduces police to tears’ the age 2006. Do more with your articles than just mention them and move on, say how they represent values and ethics for example! Despite the need for some operational improvements, including educating police as to the seriousness of domestic violence, the legal system need compliance in protecting families from domestic violence, shown through the NSW Domestic Violence Justice Strategy. Under the Family Law Act 1975 and the Crimes (domestic violence and personal violence act 2007 accentuates that there should be equal and just outcomes for domestic violence. This is the latest NSW legal response to domestic violence, following on from the domestic violence intervention court model establishment in 2005, which provided support for victims and managed offenders. Good examples. The strategy commits all justice agencies and victims support services to work together to identify areas of legislation where reform is needed to better protect individuals.

Evidently, although there are some areas which still need improvement, the legal system has responded efficiently to various problems that arise conflict within families. Your conclusion needs to be much longer. Re-state your Thesis, re-state the things you've discussed, then re-state your final judgement/conclusion (3 sentences minimum).

Absolutely, the best thing about this essay is your inclusion of LCTMR (Laws, Cases, Treaties, Media, Reports, as well as stats and other evidence). You use a heap of them in every paragraph and this is absolutely fantastic. However, make sure they are all referenced correctly.

Example Law 2016 (NSW)
R v Criminal Person (2016)
"Article on The Things" (Sydney Morning Herald, 2016)

Ensure capitalisation and proper bracketing is maintained  ;D

Without seeing the question, it is hard to judge the effectiveness of this essay, but for any question it is highly likely that you need to take a more active approach to the examples you are using. Right now, you are just mentioning the example, perhaps describing them a little, then moving on. Do something more!! Make a judgement (was the case an effective application of legislation), make a link to your main idea (does the article represent values and ethics of society), etc, do more yourself as the writer of the essay! Write now you are just sort of smashing the reader with examples, and this is great, but you must do something more with them to appropriately address the question (whatever that may be).

Your structure on the whole is quite effective, a slightly longer conclusion would do benefits, and also make sure you intro/conclude all your body paragraphs!! However, you have a distinct separation between different ideas which is great.

Your expression is the big thing holding this essay back; much of the time your thought process is a little difficult to follow. Read your script aloud to a friend and have them alert you to places where they don't understand the basic ideas you are putting across, this may help to tidy it up. Expression is not a big thing in Legal, but the marker needs to be able to engage with your logic, and that isn't always possible in this version.

Seriously good work though Tahmina! Some of the most frequent use of LCTMR I've seen, so fantastic job and keep it up! Feedback on the other essay will be inbound in coming 24 hours or so  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Nicki on July 14, 2016, 10:48:36 pm
thank you so much for the feedback!

Quote from: elysepopplewell on July 14, 2016, 10:36:12 am
Hi there! I'll jump on this now :)

I'll pop it in a spoiler here with my comments written in bold throughout :) This doesn't need 5 posts to qualify because it is just a paragraph :)

Spoiler
Changing societal values, greater acceptance and reduced stigma pertaining to same sex relationships has been effectively responded to by both I would switch this around and say the legal and non-legal responses have responded to the values, acceptance and reduced stigma. So the section I crossed out, I would swap for the words "prompting effective change in..." Or, you can just rearrange the sentence to suit your style :) legal and non legal responses to a large extent. Although, the community specify which community you are referring to :) experiences conflicting views on the family matter as the nature of homosexuality can clash with cultural and religious beliefs, which has been restricting on the law meeting the needs of those in same sex relationships. we have witnessed this as these couples still face inequality when it comes to legal marriage where the statute of the Marriage Amendment Act (2004) cth by the John Howard government reinforced the notion displayed in the Marriage Act (1961) cth and the Hyde v Hyde and Woodmansee (1866) defines marriage as only between a man and a woman. This is a really long sentence, so definitely consider splitting it up into two or three smaller ones. Later on in your body paragraphs, make sure you give specific examples of how the religious views affects law. For example, the current federeal party's stance towards a plebiscite, and you can also include various quotes from parliamentarians or other law-making figures who have commented on their views of marriage equality in legislation.Nevertheless, the discrimination and oppression of same sex couples as previously derived from not just the law but other aspects of society has been effectively responded to by extensive law reform including the same sex relationships (equal treatment in commonwealth laws - general law reform) act 2008 cth amending 85 laws that held discrimination against same sex couples. Law reform has evolved an enormous amount to assist in protecting the rights of same sex couples as well as changing values within society. I tend to think that because your initial judgement is that the law reform is effective, that you should put this last section of the paragraph before the marriage equality section. And then bring in the marriage equality section with something like, "the greatest area of potential reform in public discussion at the moment is marriage equality..." You won't have to put in the legislation or the Hyde case in the introduction this way, because it will be left like a teaser for what is yet to come in your body paragraph. I'm indifferent towards using legislation in your introduction, I don't see it is a wrong or right thing to do!

You've really given yourself a lot of scope for your essay here which is great! With some small adjustments, I think you've got a lot of great stuff happening here! I mean, you've not only made a great thesis by focusing on the idea of reform (so important for this same sex relationship topic, because the developments can be mapped on a historical timeline), but you've also clearly outlined where you will be going with this essay, which gives it awesome strength. If I were you, I'd be really proud of this! Great effort!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 14, 2016, 11:44:33 pm
Quote from: tahmina on July 10, 2016, 04:58:49 pm
hey, can you please mark these /25 ! currently struggling a lot in legal just need some thorough feedback please !

Hey again Tahmina! And now, feedback on your shelter essay. Keep in mind I didn't do this Option so take my feedback with a grain of salt  ;)

Spoiler
To what extent is the law effective in protecting those seeking shelter and providing shelter?

The Australian legal system seeks to provide protection for all parties involved in ensuring its moral obligation to shelter. The United Nations declaration of Human rights states under article 25 that ‘everyone has right to shelter’. Through addressing Australia’s legal and non-legal responses to affordability and homelessness, it is justifiable that the abundance of responses must continue to improve in order to provide protection for those seeking and providing shelter. Solid introduction, works well! I'd like to see you give a brief list of some of the responses, just to set up the essay a little better.

With the rising vote of renters in todays society in response to the lack of affordability of housing the introduced residential tenancies act 2010 is extremely effective in balancing the rights of tenant and the landlords so as the achieve justice outcomes between the two parties. Remember to introduce your paragraphs properly, and ensure legislation is capitalised. However, nice evaluative statement! WHY is it effective though? Viable option is to rent, which involved a fixed payment for a certain period of time to use a landlord’s space. The marker knows their stuff; you don't need to define terminology in your body in this manner. In the 2015 article Sydney landlord ordered to pay 11,000 to tenant because of chain smoking neighbor. 11,000 what? Ensure that you are communicating ideas clearly to your reader. Tenancy exists when a tenant pays the landlord to occupy the landlord’s premises for a set period of time. This is regulated by the residential tenancies act 2010, which prior to this was the residential tenancies act 1987, which provided solutions on domestic violence and provision of termination by tenants. We haven't been evaluating in a while: You should constantly be referencing the effectiveness/ineffectiveness and making judgements!! Tenancy law reform I often addressed as a question of ‘balancing’ the interests of landlords and tenants, which has strict obligations and rights for renters and sellers. Never use "I" in an essay: Academic writing must avoid personal language like this. Tenants landlords are entitled to raise rent price, notify tenants if they require the property and also change and repair property. Obliged to ensure a clean environment and must notify tenant 60 days before raising the rent and terminating the tenancy. It seems like you are communicating in extended dot point form: Try to ensure all sentences are formed fully. Evident in the Toni Collette case where the vendor was not protected, the actress backed out in purchasing the 6.35 million home the day it was due. Ensure each paragraph is concluded!

In addition rights to tenants include the residential tenancy agreement which is condition report completed by the landlord and the nsw fair trading new tenant checklist. NSW civil and tenancy tribunal 2014, is the key dispute resolution mechanism that provides a cost efficient alternative to overcrowded courts system. Be sure to always be evaluating the responses you are mentioning as you go: Are they effectively addressing issues? 67 branches across NSW according the NSW Civil and Tenancy Tribunal Annual Report received 65000 complaints and heard 75000 hearings. Further protection is provided to landlords and tenants under the Landlord and Tenant (rental bonds) act 1977, this is a bond paid by tenants as a form of security. However the law has reformed and made Bonds lone through pay online device. In the Bhatt vs. Skyton case 2009 there was an issue when the bond was not covered. What is the consequence of this case? Renting over the long run will cost more than the purchasing of a home. The responsiveness to this issue protects the respective rights of those seeking and providing shelter.

62% of Low-income Australian households are experiencing housing stressed due to high interest rates and expensive home loans. The commonwealth govt is providing “private rental assistance through Centre link, that is 30% of the Australian Population to ensure equity for those seeking shelter. Good statistics. The National Agreement on Housing Affordability invested in 800$ million to provide for those low-middle income owners, to also ensure equity for people seeking shelter. in 2012 the Wesley Shelter housed 162 women and children in their safe house to provide for those who are in low in come budget. The average length of stay was provided for 32 days. In 2016 the greens are building ‘9 point’ plans to address housing crisis. These are great facts/stats to include, but you aren't really doing anything with them, they aren't supporting an argument!

The State Gov response through the First Home buyers Grant, regulated under the First Home Owner Grant 2011 seeks to provide protection and meet society’s need through 15000$ grant. Don't use colloquial expressions like "gov" in your essay: Keep everything nice and formal. Prior to 2012’s 7000$, which highlighted issues further as house prices have risen 147% in the last 10 years. Through the article ‘First Home Buyers Pushed Out’ highlighted the decrease number of applicants of the first homeowners grant due to rising home loans and costs and increasing housing prices on new houses. Thus showing ineffectiveness of the responses? Conversely the article, ‘2014 the best year for home buyers in a decade’ contradicts this indicating that low interest rates and higher wages will increase the chances of people purchasing homes at an affordable price. The effectiveness of the NGO’s ‘Shelter NSW and Housing Stressed protects individuals from the rights of those seeking shelter through campaigns and media releases. The protection of those seeking shelter is still under the way of complete protection.

In saying this if the affordability program and renting are insufficient, homelessness may be the result. The widened definition of homelessness and topical debate on Homelessness Bill 2013 has highlighted the severity of Australia’s Homelessness problems. About 105000 homeless people in NSW, which 28000 are rough sleepers, is an overwhelming statistics inevitable highlight the insufficiency of the law in protecting those seeking shelter. This is the kind of statement I want more of, you are using an example to make an argument about the legal system! Great! However 2008 federal Govt revealed The Road To Home Report highlighting homelessness as a national issue and provided 6.2billion towards homelessness and half homelessness by 2020. Thus showing/highlighting what?

Legal responses have continued as a result to failures of existing Laws in ensuring protection of those seeking shelter.  This topic is about NON legal responses, so ensure that your introduction matches that. In 2014 Budget cut funding by 245million to homeless programs, which caused widespread media attention and outcry. As a result of NGOS Anglicare Australia publicly sided with the Greens proposal to construct factory style apartments to provide for the 28000 rough sleepers who are in need of homes in NSW. Also St Vincent De Paul has assisted in providing Crisis accommodation to thousands of people each night ensuring equity for those seeking shelter, also the St Vinnie CEO Sleep out in June raised millions of dollars to assist those homeless and targeted the Govt to make homelessness a national issue. Through the article “teen homelessness more than doubles” states the household wealth has trebled since 1996 and there are now 22000 12-18 year olds homeless. There is a Funding homelessness services committed to doubling the federal funding for homelessness services at a cost of 507million$ a year, and to signing a new 10 year national partnership agreement on homelessness. Such responses have been effective to an extent, the issue of homelessness continues to resonate over time and is problematic when attempting to ensure protection for those seeking shelter. A great conclusion here!! However, the evaluation has not been sustained throughout the paragraph.

As such the legal and non-legal responses to shelter concerns in Australia has placed emphasis on the issues. The Protections to those providing and seeking shelter are still developing and are crucial in Australia’s legal system, In order to meet the needs of society and Australia’s international and moral obligation to provide shelter. 

My comments for this essay are very similar to those for your Family essay  :)

Here is something to consider; the question asks us to analyse "to what extent" the legal system is effective in this particular area of the law. Thus, it is up to you to make a judgement of effectiveness; good bad or ugly. The key to a good legal essay is supporting your judgement with evidence. So, you need to use cases, laws, statistics, etc to prove to the marker that the legal and non legal responses are effective. Or ineffective. Or anywhere in between  ;)

Right now, you are doing what I would call content vomit. You are just popping heaps of stuff in the response, but not much thought is going to structure, expression, or answering the question. You have an amazing box of evidence, but you aren't unpacking that box effectively.

I want you to work on using each example to make a point. Does it show something effective about the legal system? Does it show a limitation? Every case, law, report, stat, etc that you include should have a purpose. Take some time to develop and organise your ideas using the awesome set of evidence you have. I hope this helps!  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: tahmina on July 15, 2016, 08:29:25 am
hahaha ! thank you heaps, i know there would be a lot of faults,  >:(legal isn't my biggest strength !
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 15, 2016, 10:34:58 am
Quote from: tahmina on July 15, 2016, 08:29:25 am
hahaha ! thank you heaps, i know there would be a lot of faults,  >:(legal isn't my biggest strength !

That's all good!! You definitely have a great bank of knowledge, it's all now in just what you do with that knowledge and that is something that comes with practice, keep working and keep getting feedback and you will get there!  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Essej on July 17, 2016, 01:27:17 am
Hey Mods!

Just for something a little different, i've written an essay on shelter in preparation for trials from a past paper, just to try and get a feel for the sort of language used in this topic.

I understand none of the mods did shelter as an elective, but it's been a while since i've written a legal essay and would appreciate some general feedback! No rush as it is just revision.

The question is "Evaluate the role of the law in enforcing the rights and obligations of landlords and tenants"

Thanks in Advance !  ;D ;D ;D

Spoiler

Evaluate the role of the law in enforcing the rights and obligations of landlords and tenants (25 marks)

The process of leasing shelter is one which raises a plethora of issues in regards to the legal protection of the respective rights of landlords and tenants. The law makes concerted efforts to amend violations of such rights through the provision of legislative obligations under the Residential Tenancies Act 1987 (NSW). The landlord and tenant relationship is protected to a largely successful extent under existing legal framework through both law reform and the creation of dispute resolution mechanisms. It is through the structured resolution of inequities faced through issues such as termination, damages and repairs by courts and tribunals that the rights of each party are effectively enforced. Thus, despite limitations, the enforcement of the rights and obligations of landlords and tenants bound by parliamentary legislation primarily ensures that justice prevails.

The owners of rental properties, or landlords, are effectively bound and protected by the law in the arrangement and maintenance of leasing agreements. The Residential Tenancies Act (RTA) 1987 (NSW) makes clear the obligations of the landlord in regards to providing copies of the tenancy agreement to the tenant and to keep the premises in reasonable repair. Further, stated obligations that the landlord must provide locks and quiet enjoyment of vacant premises enforce the later Privacy Act 1988 (Cth) in protecting the tenant's right to both privacy and safety. Through these prescribed responsibilities, the law effectively fosters a prosperous tenancy arrangement that protects both parties to a leasing agreement by preventing unhealthy imbalances in power by the lessor. In order to protect the right of the landlord to a premises free of damages, the legal system ensures that bonds lodged with the Rental Bond Board may be utilised for repairs, pursuant to the Landlord and Tenant (Rental Bonds) Act 1977 (NSW). This further allows for the achievement of justice through protecting property value whilst impartially preventing the landlord from using the bond for their personal needs, thus protecting the tenant. A practical application of such tenancy disputes was evidenced in Bhatt v. Skyton Holdings Pty Ltd (Tenancy) 2009 wherein the NSW Civil and Administrative Tribunal (NCAT) held that damage done to the property by Bhatt was sufficient grounds for the landlord to use Bhatt’s rental security ($822) to repair the property. Breaches of the RTA by the tenant in this case successfully yielded justice for the landlord and thus safeguarded their right to use rental security to preserve the value of the premises. Overall it is clear that the rights and obligations of landlords are sufficiently encompassed by the law.

Through law reform, occupants of rental property are equally accounted for by the legal system, provided compliance is made with legislation. The RTA Amendment in 2010 modernised and updated the law in line with current practices, reducing dispute levels through a greater clarity in laws. In regards to termination, landlords must provide 90 days of “without grounds” notice to a tenant in periodic tenancy, an increase of 30 days from the previous act. This just outcome allows for a greater time period by which the tenant can organise alternate shelter. Whilst legislation does not exist to protect the right to shelter, it is indisputable that in allowing for greater leniency the law enforces its responsibility to provide shelter to the greatest extent under the current legal framework. The tenant's right to appeal a ‘without grounds’ termination notice to the supreme court, as stipulated under the original RTA legislation, was demonstrated in Roads and Traffic Authority v. Joy Swain and Terence Gold (1997). The use of judicial discretion in taking into account the “circumstances of the case” fairly balanced the rights of the tenant and the landlord’s right to issue “without grounds termination”. Evident here is the limitation of the legal system in achieving just outcomes for all parties to a tenancy dispute as the tenants were forced to find alternate accommodation. Further legislative protection under the RTA reforms hold that a landlord must not unreasonably withhold consent to a fixture/alteration of minor nature such as a hook. Brought about by growing concerns surrounding the safety of women in response to emergency domestic violence issues (by which women could change locks if required), the law effectively enforces the obligations of landlords in order to protect the tenant’s right to safety. Evidently, the law plays a significant role in the maintenance of tenancy obligations and rights.

The creation of dispute resolution mechanisms provides a successful avenue for the protection of both landlord and tenant rights through heightened accessibility and resource efficiency. Provided for under the Consumer, Trader and Tenancy Tribunal Act 2001 (NSW), NCAT is the primary body dealing with tenancy disputes. With the powers to make legally binding decisions regarding breaches of Residential Tenancy Agreements, the tribunal is an authoritative and ultimately effective measure in ensuring obligations and rights of landlords and tenants are successfully met and enforced. In Rouvellas v. Culley (Tenancy) 2009, NCAT was able to grant tenants ongoing rent reductions and compensation for breaches of their right to safety and to premises in “reasonable repair” pursuant to the RTA. Moreover, NCAT is available in over 10 different languages, reflecting social conditions of multiculturalism that often inhibit the achievement of justice for those leasees from foreign backgrounds. In addition to the residential proceedings fee of only $47, NCAT can be seen as both accessible and cost efficient for those involved in the dispute. Further, resolutions are often found much faster than if disputes were taken to the supreme court, with termination hearings occurring within 3 weeks of applications. It is through such judicial measures that the law strongly enforces individual rights to ensure compliance with tenancy regulations.

In summary, the legal enforcement of the rights and obligations of landlords and tenants is largely successful in attaining just outcomes for those involved in leasing agreements. Legislative restrictions and reform implemented by the NSW state government ensure that individuals are able to access the legal system and resolve disputes through NCAT in an efficient and effective manner. Further, under the leasing framework imposed by the RTA, it can be seen that the legal system effectively sets out balanced rights and obligations to ensure a prosperous rental relationship.

Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 18, 2016, 10:10:08 pm
Quote from: Essej on July 17, 2016, 01:27:17 am
Hey Mods!

Just for something a little different, i've written an essay on shelter in preparation for trials from a past paper, just to try and get a feel for the sort of language used in this topic.

I understand none of the mods did shelter as an elective, but it's been a while since i've written a legal essay and would appreciate some general feedback! No rush as it is just revision.

The question is "Evaluate the role of the law in enforcing the rights and obligations of landlords and tenants"

Thanks in Advance !  ;D ;D ;D

Hey Essej! I was wondering when I'd be marking something for you again  ;) I'll do my best given that I didn't do Shelter, it's attached below with comments in bold!!

Spoiler
Evaluate the role of the law in enforcing the rights and obligations of landlords and tenants (25 marks)

The process of leasing shelter is one which raises a plethora of issues in regards to the legal protection of the respective rights of landlords and tenants. The law makes concerted efforts to amend violations of such rights through the provision of legislative obligations under the Residential Tenancies Act 1987 (NSW). The landlord and tenant relationship is protected to a largely successful extent under existing legal framework through both law reform and the creation of dispute resolution mechanisms. It is through the structured resolution of inequities faced through issues such as termination, damages and repairs by courts and tribunals that the rights of each party are effectively enforced. Thus, despite limitations, the enforcement of the rights and obligations of landlords and tenants bound by parliamentary legislation primarily ensures that justice prevails. Great introduction, not much I'd add, think it works excellently!

The owners of rental properties, or landlords, are effectively bound and protected by the law in the arrangement and maintenance of leasing agreements. Be sure that your introductions link to the rights and obligations you talked about in the Thesis, keep the Thesis sustained! The Residential Tenancies Act (RTA) 1987 (NSW) makes clear the obligations of the landlord in regards to providing copies of the tenancy agreement to the tenant and to keep the premises in reasonable repair. Further, stated obligations that the landlord must provide locks and quiet enjoyment of vacant premises enforce the later Privacy Act 1988 (Cth) in protecting the tenant's right to both privacy and safety. Through these prescribed responsibilities, the law effectively fosters a prosperous tenancy arrangement that protects both parties to a leasing agreement by preventing unhealthy imbalances in power by the lessor. Good. In order to protect the right of the landlord to a premises free of damages, the legal system ensures that bonds lodged with the Rental Bond Board may be utilised for repairs, pursuant to the Landlord and Tenant (Rental Bonds) Act 1977 (NSW). This further allows for the achievement of justice through protecting property value whilst impartially preventing the landlord from using the bond for their personal needs, thus protecting the tenant.Great. A practical application of such tenancy disputes was evidenced in Bhatt v. Skyton Holdings Pty Ltd (Tenancy) 2009 wherein the NSW Civil and Administrative Tribunal (NCAT) held that damage done to the property by Bhatt was sufficient grounds for the landlord to use Bhatt’s rental security ($822) to repair the property. Breaches of the RTA by the tenant in this case successfully yielded justice for the landlord and thus safeguarded their right to use rental security to preserve the value of the premises. Overall it is clear that the rights and obligations of landlords are sufficiently encompassed by the law. Not much I can suggest at all in this paragraph, it works extremely well! I do think you could make your expression slightly more succinct by removing some details about the evidence you are presenting, blending things from two sentences into one with some more clever word choice, etc. This would leave room for more of the evaluative analysis style sentences!

Through law reform, occupants of rental property are equally accounted for by the legal system, provided compliance is made with legislation. I think the evaluation in this introduction needs to be a little stronger, make your stance clear! The RTA Amendment in 2010 modernised and updated the law in line with current practices, reducing dispute levels through a greater clarity in laws. Any statistic you have to support that at all? In regards to termination, landlords must provide 90 days of “without grounds” notice to a tenant in periodic tenancy, an increase of 30 days from the previous act. This just outcome allows for a greater time period by which the tenant can organise alternate shelter. Here is an example of something you could streamline: See my chat below. Whilst legislation does not exist to protect the right to shelter, it is indisputable that in allowing for greater leniency the law enforces its responsibility to provide shelter to the greatest extent under the current legal framework. Does the fact that there is no legislation act as a weakness of the legal response? Maybe? The tenant's right to appeal a ‘without grounds’ termination notice to the supreme court, as stipulated under the original RTA legislation, was demonstrated in Roads and Traffic Authority v. Joy Swain and Terence Gold (1997). The use of judicial discretion in taking into account the “circumstances of the case” fairly balanced the rights of the tenant and the landlord’s right to issue “without grounds termination”. Evident here is the limitation of the legal system in achieving just outcomes for all parties to a tenancy dispute as the tenants were forced to find alternate accommodation. Further legislative protection under the RTA reforms hold that a landlord must not unreasonably withhold consent to a fixture/alteration of minor nature such as a hook. Brought about by growing concerns surrounding the safety of women in response to emergency domestic violence issues (by which women could change locks if required), the law effectively enforces the obligations of landlords in order to protect the tenant’s right to safety. Evidently, the law plays a significant role in the maintenance of tenancy obligations and rights. I think this conclusion needs to again link to law reform like your introduction did, it seems a little out of place.

The creation of dispute resolution mechanisms provides a successful avenue for the protection of both landlord and tenant rights through heightened accessibility and resource efficiency. Perfect intro! Provided for under the Consumer, Trader and Tenancy Tribunal Act 2001 (NSW), NCAT is the primary body dealing with tenancy disputes. With the powers to make legally binding decisions regarding breaches of Residential Tenancy Agreements, the tribunal is an authoritative and ultimately effective measure in ensuring obligations and rights of landlords and tenants are successfully met and enforced. Fantastic. In Rouvellas v. Culley (Tenancy) 2009, NCAT was able to grant tenants ongoing rent reductions and compensation for breaches of their right to safety and to premises in “reasonable repair” pursuant to the RTA. Link to effectiveness/ineffectiveness? Moreover, NCAT is available in over 10 different languages, reflecting social conditions of multiculturalism that often inhibit the achievement of justice for those leasees from foreign backgrounds. In addition to the residential proceedings fee of only $47, NCAT can be seen as both accessible and cost efficient for those involved in the dispute. Further, resolutions are often found much faster than if disputes were taken to the supreme court, with termination hearings occurring within 3 weeks of applications. It is through such judicial measures that the law strongly enforces individual rights to ensure compliance with tenancy regulations. Great paragraph, this one was much more succinct and I really like it!!

In summary, the legal enforcement of the rights and obligations of landlords and tenants is largely successful in attaining just outcomes for those involved in leasing agreements. Legislative restrictions and reform implemented by the NSW state government ensure that individuals are able to access the legal system and resolve disputes through NCAT in an efficient and effective manner. Further, under the leasing framework imposed by the RTA, it can be seen that the legal system effectively sets out balanced rights and obligations to ensure a prosperous rental relationship. Great conclusion, again, no suggestions!

A fantastic essay here Essej, not much I can suggest at all because you are doing almost everything right!! Fantastic evidence, fantastic structure, fantastic conceptual drive, fantastic... Well pretty much everything is fantastic!  ;D basically my challenge for you now is to push yourself further. What you are doing works well! But you can work harder to squeeze even more quality out of your word limit  ;)

First, expression. In some cases you spend 2 or 3 sentences explaining something that could take only 1 (at a push). This might be because you are including unnecessary details (particularly for cases). However, it is something that comes with practice!

Here is an example of streamlining expression:

In regards to termination, landlords must provide 90 days of “without grounds” notice to a tenant in periodic tenancy, an increase of 30 days from the previous act. This just outcome allows for a greater time period by which the tenant can organise alternate shelter.

Becomes:

The 30 day increase to the minimum "without grounds" notice period implemented by this amendment grants additional time for tenants to find alternative accomodation, effectively protecting the right to shelter.

About 1/3 of the words were cut there (excuse any incorrect info for the Option), and you can easily bounce to the next piece of evidence. Basically, challenge yourself to be as succinct as possible to make room for more analysis!

Second, make sure your evaluation is made super obvious throughout the response. Every piece of evidence should be evaluated, and should be evaluated in terms of the rights and responsibilities you talk about in your Thesis! The question is evaluate, pretty much every sentence should have that judgemental flavour to it  ;D

Third, media articles!! And also reports, and also international treaties if applicable. More varied evidence would be great!

Finally, in your Thesis you mention limitations. I don't get too much of this in the body. While it's not essential, having two sided arguments played against each other well is a very clever thing and will really stand you out to the marker! Once you make room for more evaluation/analysis, maybe try mixing it up a little! Develop a broader view of the issue with some negatives!  ;D

In reality though, not much I can suggest. You're definitely still on track to smash Legal Studies with essays like this, great work!! Sorry my feedback isn't as thorough as usual, Shelter does seem like an interesting option!  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Essej on July 20, 2016, 08:26:10 am
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on July 18, 2016, 10:10:08 pm
Hey Essej! I was wondering when I'd be marking something for you again  ;) I'll do my best given that I didn't do Shelter, it's attached below with comments in bold!!

Spoiler
Evaluate the role of the law in enforcing the rights and obligations of landlords and tenants (25 marks)

The process of leasing shelter is one which raises a plethora of issues in regards to the legal protection of the respective rights of landlords and tenants. The law makes concerted efforts to amend violations of such rights through the provision of legislative obligations under the Residential Tenancies Act 1987 (NSW). The landlord and tenant relationship is protected to a largely successful extent under existing legal framework through both law reform and the creation of dispute resolution mechanisms. It is through the structured resolution of inequities faced through issues such as termination, damages and repairs by courts and tribunals that the rights of each party are effectively enforced. Thus, despite limitations, the enforcement of the rights and obligations of landlords and tenants bound by parliamentary legislation primarily ensures that justice prevails. Great introduction, not much I'd add, think it works excellently!

The owners of rental properties, or landlords, are effectively bound and protected by the law in the arrangement and maintenance of leasing agreements. Be sure that your introductions link to the rights and obligations you talked about in the Thesis, keep the Thesis sustained! The Residential Tenancies Act (RTA) 1987 (NSW) makes clear the obligations of the landlord in regards to providing copies of the tenancy agreement to the tenant and to keep the premises in reasonable repair. Further, stated obligations that the landlord must provide locks and quiet enjoyment of vacant premises enforce the later Privacy Act 1988 (Cth) in protecting the tenant's right to both privacy and safety. Through these prescribed responsibilities, the law effectively fosters a prosperous tenancy arrangement that protects both parties to a leasing agreement by preventing unhealthy imbalances in power by the lessor. Good. In order to protect the right of the landlord to a premises free of damages, the legal system ensures that bonds lodged with the Rental Bond Board may be utilised for repairs, pursuant to the Landlord and Tenant (Rental Bonds) Act 1977 (NSW). This further allows for the achievement of justice through protecting property value whilst impartially preventing the landlord from using the bond for their personal needs, thus protecting the tenant.Great. A practical application of such tenancy disputes was evidenced in Bhatt v. Skyton Holdings Pty Ltd (Tenancy) 2009 wherein the NSW Civil and Administrative Tribunal (NCAT) held that damage done to the property by Bhatt was sufficient grounds for the landlord to use Bhatt’s rental security ($822) to repair the property. Breaches of the RTA by the tenant in this case successfully yielded justice for the landlord and thus safeguarded their right to use rental security to preserve the value of the premises. Overall it is clear that the rights and obligations of landlords are sufficiently encompassed by the law. Not much I can suggest at all in this paragraph, it works extremely well! I do think you could make your expression slightly more succinct by removing some details about the evidence you are presenting, blending things from two sentences into one with some more clever word choice, etc. This would leave room for more of the evaluative analysis style sentences!

Through law reform, occupants of rental property are equally accounted for by the legal system, provided compliance is made with legislation. I think the evaluation in this introduction needs to be a little stronger, make your stance clear! The RTA Amendment in 2010 modernised and updated the law in line with current practices, reducing dispute levels through a greater clarity in laws. Any statistic you have to support that at all? In regards to termination, landlords must provide 90 days of “without grounds” notice to a tenant in periodic tenancy, an increase of 30 days from the previous act. This just outcome allows for a greater time period by which the tenant can organise alternate shelter. Here is an example of something you could streamline: See my chat below. Whilst legislation does not exist to protect the right to shelter, it is indisputable that in allowing for greater leniency the law enforces its responsibility to provide shelter to the greatest extent under the current legal framework. Does the fact that there is no legislation act as a weakness of the legal response? Maybe? The tenant's right to appeal a ‘without grounds’ termination notice to the supreme court, as stipulated under the original RTA legislation, was demonstrated in Roads and Traffic Authority v. Joy Swain and Terence Gold (1997). The use of judicial discretion in taking into account the “circumstances of the case” fairly balanced the rights of the tenant and the landlord’s right to issue “without grounds termination”. Evident here is the limitation of the legal system in achieving just outcomes for all parties to a tenancy dispute as the tenants were forced to find alternate accommodation. Further legislative protection under the RTA reforms hold that a landlord must not unreasonably withhold consent to a fixture/alteration of minor nature such as a hook. Brought about by growing concerns surrounding the safety of women in response to emergency domestic violence issues (by which women could change locks if required), the law effectively enforces the obligations of landlords in order to protect the tenant’s right to safety. Evidently, the law plays a significant role in the maintenance of tenancy obligations and rights. I think this conclusion needs to again link to law reform like your introduction did, it seems a little out of place.

The creation of dispute resolution mechanisms provides a successful avenue for the protection of both landlord and tenant rights through heightened accessibility and resource efficiency. Perfect intro! Provided for under the Consumer, Trader and Tenancy Tribunal Act 2001 (NSW), NCAT is the primary body dealing with tenancy disputes. With the powers to make legally binding decisions regarding breaches of Residential Tenancy Agreements, the tribunal is an authoritative and ultimately effective measure in ensuring obligations and rights of landlords and tenants are successfully met and enforced. Fantastic. In Rouvellas v. Culley (Tenancy) 2009, NCAT was able to grant tenants ongoing rent reductions and compensation for breaches of their right to safety and to premises in “reasonable repair” pursuant to the RTA. Link to effectiveness/ineffectiveness? Moreover, NCAT is available in over 10 different languages, reflecting social conditions of multiculturalism that often inhibit the achievement of justice for those leasees from foreign backgrounds. In addition to the residential proceedings fee of only $47, NCAT can be seen as both accessible and cost efficient for those involved in the dispute. Further, resolutions are often found much faster than if disputes were taken to the supreme court, with termination hearings occurring within 3 weeks of applications. It is through such judicial measures that the law strongly enforces individual rights to ensure compliance with tenancy regulations. Great paragraph, this one was much more succinct and I really like it!!

In summary, the legal enforcement of the rights and obligations of landlords and tenants is largely successful in attaining just outcomes for those involved in leasing agreements. Legislative restrictions and reform implemented by the NSW state government ensure that individuals are able to access the legal system and resolve disputes through NCAT in an efficient and effective manner. Further, under the leasing framework imposed by the RTA, it can be seen that the legal system effectively sets out balanced rights and obligations to ensure a prosperous rental relationship. Great conclusion, again, no suggestions!

A fantastic essay here Essej, not much I can suggest at all because you are doing almost everything right!! Fantastic evidence, fantastic structure, fantastic conceptual drive, fantastic... Well pretty much everything is fantastic!  ;D basically my challenge for you now is to push yourself further. What you are doing works well! But you can work harder to squeeze even more quality out of your word limit  ;)

First, expression. In some cases you spend 2 or 3 sentences explaining something that could take only 1 (at a push). This might be because you are including unnecessary details (particularly for cases). However, it is something that comes with practice!

Here is an example of streamlining expression:

In regards to termination, landlords must provide 90 days of “without grounds” notice to a tenant in periodic tenancy, an increase of 30 days from the previous act. This just outcome allows for a greater time period by which the tenant can organise alternate shelter.

Becomes:

The 30 day increase to the minimum "without grounds" notice period implemented by this amendment grants additional time for tenants to find alternative accomodation, effectively protecting the right to shelter.

About 1/3 of the words were cut there (excuse any incorrect info for the Option), and you can easily bounce to the next piece of evidence. Basically, challenge yourself to be as succinct as possible to make room for more analysis!

Second, make sure your evaluation is made super obvious throughout the response. Every piece of evidence should be evaluated, and should be evaluated in terms of the rights and responsibilities you talk about in your Thesis! The question is evaluate, pretty much every sentence should have that judgemental flavour to it  ;D

Third, media articles!! And also reports, and also international treaties if applicable. More varied evidence would be great!

Finally, in your Thesis you mention limitations. I don't get too much of this in the body. While it's not essential, having two sided arguments played against each other well is a very clever thing and will really stand you out to the marker! Once you make room for more evaluation/analysis, maybe try mixing it up a little! Develop a broader view of the issue with some negatives!  ;D

In reality though, not much I can suggest. You're definitely still on track to smash Legal Studies with essays like this, great work!! Sorry my feedback isn't as thorough as usual, Shelter does seem like an interesting option!  ;D

Thanks once again Jamon! I understand you've been flooded with essays in english and legal and really appreciate you getting back to me so quickly!

I was really annoyed by the prescribed question :3 there were few media articles I could find and that made it harder for me to discuss limitations through no real media coverage of "legal failure to protect rights/obligations as such". I guess that comes with more research - i'll definitely have the full array of LCMs in my final response for you  :P

I'll definitely work harder to incorporate my thesis in my topic sentences (and sustain that specific one throughout the response) and be extra judgemental at every possible opportunity - thanks for alerting me to that :)

As always, cheers Jamon!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 20, 2016, 09:44:32 am
Quote from: Essej on July 20, 2016, 08:26:10 am
Thanks once again Jamon! I understand you've been flooded with essays in english and legal and really appreciate you getting back to me so quickly!

I was really annoyed by the prescribed question :3 there were few media articles I could find and that made it harder for me to discuss limitations through no real media coverage of "legal failure to protect rights/obligations as such". I guess that comes with more research - i'll definitely have the full array of LCMs in my final response for you  :P

I'll definitely work harder to incorporate my thesis in my topic sentences (and sustain that specific one throughout the response) and be extra judgemental at every possible opportunity - thanks for alerting me to that :)

As always, cheers Jamon!

No problem, happy to help! I got lucky with my Options, media articles are easy to find for Family and World Order, if it's just not attainable then ignore me (check with your teacher for confirmation)  ;) but you can definitely look for things like NSW Ombudsman Reports, extra golden nuggets to put in the essay  ;D it's a fantastic essay, but hey I can't say it's perfect, I have to give some feedback right? It's what I'm here for  ;)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: tahmina on July 22, 2016, 09:57:11 pm
thank you! i just seen this, i know a lot of improvement is needed! but hey it was just a simple try
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: shazzzzzz on July 26, 2016, 05:34:26 pm
Would you be able to look over my assignment? It's not an essay, just 3 short answers...
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 26, 2016, 06:08:51 pm
Quote from: shazzzzzz on July 26, 2016, 05:34:26 pm
Would you be able to look over my assignment? It's not an essay, just 3 short answers...

Sure!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 27, 2016, 12:40:29 am
Attention! The essay marking requirements have been updated, in effect for every essay posted below this mark  ;D The post exchange rate has now been increased to 15, that is, every piece of feedback is now worth 15 posts. 3 essays marked needs 45 ATAR Notes posts, 10 essays needs 150 posts, etc etc. The full essay rules are available at this link! Thanks everyone!  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: naeza98 on August 07, 2016, 10:30:20 am
Hi, i was just wondering if you'd be able to comment on my workplace law essay. It's the first essay I've written for workplace and its for an upcoming assessment task. I don't feel as though this essay is up to my usual standard but am having trouble in finding ways to improve. Any comments will be greatly appreciated. The question is "Assess the role of law reform in recognising rights and enforcing responsibilities of both employees and employers. " :)
Spoiler
Law reform has played an essential role in recognising the rights and enforcing responsibilities of both employees and employers. The law has to a certain extent been effective at achieving the balance between the rights of employees and the obligations of employers as employer must fulfil their workplace responsibilities in order for an employee to enjoy their industrial rights. Therefore it is vital that laws are in place in various aspects of workplace law including unfair dismissal, safety and the right to take industrial action to ensure this balance is met between worker’s rights and an employee’s responsibility to fulfil these rights.

In relation to dismissal in the workplace, law reform has had a mixed effectiveness when protecting the rights of employees and and enforcing the responsibilities of employers. The introduction of the Industrial Relations Act 1996 (NSW) prohibited unfair dismissals and unlawful terminations in the workplace, defining unfair dismissal as a dismissal that is judged to be ‘harsh, unjust or unreasonable’.The act also sets out the provisions by which a dismissal can be regarded as unfair.  By defining unfair dismissal this law reform has significantly increased the rights of employees as it provides them with a legal standard as to when they can be dismissed. Coinciding with this piece of legislation which defines unfair dismissal, is the Fair Work Act 2009 (Cth) under which employees can apply to either the Fair Work Australia (FWA) or the Fair Work Ombudsman if they have been unfairly dismissed. Under the Industrial Relations Act 1996 (NSW) it is the responsibility of the employer to ensure that all dismissals are conducted in a fair manner so if FWA finds that the dismissal was unfair the employer can be ordered to either reinstate the employer or pay compensation for up to 26 weeks pay. This is demonstrated in the case Australian Municipal, Administrative, Clerical & Services Union v Ansett Australia where the dismissal of an employee for union involvement contravened s 298 of the Industrial Relations Act 1996 (NSW) and so the employer was ordered to pay the employee compensation. However, while the Industrial Relations Act 1996 (NSW) maintained the rights and responsibilities of employees and employers the introduction of the Workplace Relations Amendment (work choices) Act 2005 (Cth) limited the circumstances where employees could claim an unfair dismissal and thus limiting their workplace rights. Under this reform employees are not permitted to make a claim for unfair dismissal if any if the circumstances under the act applied, including if the enterprise has less than 100 employees. These reforms led to many employees being unfairly dismissed and having no legal means to uphold their rights. The Cowra Abattoir case highlights this issue where 29 employees were dismissed without reason and since the business employed fewer than 100 people the employees were not entitled to unfair dismissal claims. These issues highlight how law reform can wither enhance or hinder the protection of rights and obligation of employees in the workplace.

Law reform has effectively carried out its role in enforcing the rights and responsibilities of employees and employers in regards to safety in the workplace. Before legislative reforms in the 19th century, workers had virtually no rights under law to complain of injury in the workplace. Injured workers were simply terminated without compensation. However, the law since then has evolved dramatically and now ensures that workplace safety is of paramount concern by enforcing the responsibilities of both employees and employers to ensure the proper procedures are taken. The Work Health and Safety Act 2011, which amended the The Occupational Health and Safety Act 2000 (NSW), provides that employers have the responsibility to ensure the health, safety and welfare of their employees by providing proper information, instruction, training and supervision regarding the use go equipment. The Act also provides that employees have a duty to work with due skill and care and are obligated to follow safety directions. Penalties can be imposed on both employers and employees for breaches of workplace safety under the Act. Employers can be sued for damage if a worker is injured due to an employer’s negligence. Penalties of up to $825,000 can also be imposed on both employees and employers for failure to comply with the regulations under this act. This legislation emphasises how law reform is successfully enforcing the rights of employees and employers by ensuring that their responsibilities are legally binding.  This is highlighted in SMH’s “Tragedy and Heartbreak- the stories behind the grim statistics of lost employees” with the death of Daniel Croker who fell off his horse whilst mustering cattle at work. Croker died from head injuries, as he wore no protective headgear. The court fined his employer B.H MacLaclan (NSW) Pty Ltd $96 250 and stated that suitable protective gear must be used while mustering and supervision when performing dangerous tasks. Thus highlighting how law reform has been an effective mechanism in enforcing the rights and responsibilities of both employees and employers.


When negotiations between employees and employers breakdown both have the right to take industrial action to help give force to their claim. The right to take industrial action has been widely recognised as a fundamental element of voluntary collective bargaining however the reforms in 2005 severely constrained the right of employees to take industrial action. Industrial action is one of the essential means available to employees to promote and protect their economic and social rights. An ability to take industrial action is consistent with the parties taking responsibility for their industrial outcomes and an important means of overcoming a bargaining impasse. In recognition of the important role of industrial action, a right to strike is expressly protected by the United Nations International Covenant on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights. In order to comply with Australia’s international obligations parliament passed the Industrial Relations Reform Act 1993, which amended the Industrial Relations Act 1988 by defining the scope for legitimate industrial action termed protected action for the first time in Australia. While this law reform further enhanced the rights of workers further amendments were made in relation to industrial action The Workplace Relations Amendment (Work Choices) Act 2005 made significant changes to the industrial relations legislative framework. The Work Choices amendments reduce the scope for protected action by adding new exclusions from protected action. In addition, it severely limits the exercise of discretion by the AIRC, which heightens the dichotomy between protected and unprotected industrial action. It ensures that all unprotected action is treated as illegitimate and unlawful, regardless of the industrial or other circumstances. The AIRC must make an order against any unprotected industrial action and any continuation of the action will be liable to fines. Further, protected action is made more difficult to access by complex procedures relating to bargaining periods and ballot processes. The ILO Committee of Experts raised specific concerns about the conformity of of these reforms stating that they contravene with Australia’s obligations under the ILO conventions and severely limit the rights of both employers and employees to take industrial action (“WorkChoices Legislation Fails To Uphold Basic IR Principles”, AIER, Jun 1, 2006).

Law reform’s role in relation to workplace law is to ultimately make the Australian and NSW legal system more effective in upholding the rights of the employer and employee and to also enforce the responsibilities owed by the employer to the employee. While law reform has to a certain extent been effective in carrying out its role in enhancing the rights of workers there have been circumstances where law reform has hindered on the rights of employees such as the right to take industrial action.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 07, 2016, 11:15:05 am
Quote from: naeza98 on August 07, 2016, 10:30:20 am
Hi, i was just wondering if you'd be able to comment on my workplace law essay. It's the first essay I've written for workplace and its for an upcoming assessment task. I don't feel as though this essay is up to my usual standard but am having trouble in finding ways to improve. Any comments will be greatly appreciated. The question is "Assess the role of law reform in recognising rights and enforcing responsibilities of both employees and employers. " :)

Hey naeza98! Welcome to the forums! Be sure to let me know if you need help finding anything ;D

Thanks heaps for posting your essay. We have a post requirement to receive feedback; you need 15 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay you'd like marked. So 2 essays needs 30 posts, 10 essays needs 150 posts, etc etc. This is to ensure the service remains accessible for the active members of the ATAR Notes Community, and viable for the markers ;D The full essay marking rules and policies can be found here!

So, hang around the site a bit! Ask some questions, have a chat, stop by our New User's Lounge to introduce yourself, all that good stuff! 15 posts will build up really quickly, and when they do, come back and let me know and we'll get your essay marked ASAP! ;D thanks in advance ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: tahmina on August 08, 2016, 05:53:26 pm
can someone help me with the protection of victims in the criminal justice system ??
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 08, 2016, 07:06:28 pm
Quote from: tahmina on August 08, 2016, 05:53:26 pm
can someone help me with the protection of victims in the criminal justice system ??

Hey Tahmina! I have some notes available here which could help, any particular way I can be of help?  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: tahmina on August 08, 2016, 07:30:59 pm
yes yes i really need help, in protecting the rights of victims in the criminal justice system - what would i include within a paragraph ??
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 08, 2016, 07:59:27 pm
Quote from: tahmina on August 08, 2016, 07:30:59 pm
yes yes i really need help, in protecting the rights of victims in the criminal justice system - what would i include within a paragraph ??

There is heaps you could include, those notes have a few!

- Victim Impact Statements (considered during sentencing)
- Remand, which protects victims from recidivism
- Victim Rights Act 1996 (NSW)
- The Appeals Process, which increases the likelihood of rights being balanced correctly
- Post Sentencing Consideration: Victim Compensation
- Retributive sentencing rationale (that is, sentences designed to get "revenge" for the victim)

There are plenty of cases where the victim's rights have arguably not been protected to the fullest extent. There has been an increasing tendency in recent years for the offenders rights to be considered above the victims, R v Singh (2012) and R v Loveridge (2012) are the two I discussed in my HSC ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: anotherworld2b on August 25, 2016, 01:02:19 am
Hello
I really need help with my report  :'(
I don't have any idea on how to structure it or what I am supposed to write about
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 25, 2016, 10:50:29 pm
Quote from: anotherworld2b on August 25, 2016, 01:02:19 am
Hello
I really need help with my report  :'(
I don't have any idea on how to structure it or what I am supposed to write about

On the list another world! You've caught me on a busy half of the week, so it could be slower than normal, apologies in advance! ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: anotherworld2b on August 25, 2016, 11:37:58 pm
Thats okay :D
I appreciate you letting me now and your willingness to give me feedback for my report  ;D

Quote from: jamonwindeyer on August 25, 2016, 10:50:29 pm
On the list another world! You've caught me on a busy half of the week, so it could be slower than normal, apologies in advance! ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on August 26, 2016, 10:57:51 am
Quote from: anotherworld2b on August 25, 2016, 11:37:58 pm
Thats okay :D
I appreciate you letting me now and your willingness to give me feedback for my report  ;D

The electoral system isn't in our syllabus over here so I have to give a disclaimer that I'm not totally all over it! So I can't fact check all of your response for you. But, I can go through and comment on the analysis. I'll be giving you the same kind of perspective I'd give to a HSC work, except we don't usually do reports, so you'll have to take this with a grain of salt :)

In the spoiler:
Spoiler
Introduction
The purpose of this investigation is to compare and contrast the features of the electoral system used in the United States of America with the electoral system used in Australia. ‘Electoral systems are the mechanisms through which votes are counted and election results determined. They are the means of translating votes cast into seats in parliament (and thus of choosing the government).’ If this is a quote - be sure to use quotation marks and not apostrophes, and also footnote or cite in text where the quote has come from. At the moment, it's a cool quote because it explains what electoral systems are, but it doesn't have the weight it would if it were referenced. However, the electoral procedure of different electoral systems can vary between different countries such as between Australia and the United States of America. There are three types of electoral systems:

•   Majoritarian (plurality or majority) systems
•   Proportional (consensus) systems
•   Compromise models (eg. mixed member systems)

America USA uses first past the vote electoral system which is ‘A voting system in which the candidate with the largest number of votes is declared elected even if they receive less than half the votes cast.’ I'd identify which type of system this is according to the three you listed above. Right now it isn't completely clear. In contrast, Australia has a compromise electoral system that uses both the preferential and proportional electoral system for the House of representatives and the Senate respectively. Awesome!‘In a preferential system, the winner must gain an absolute majority (50% plus one vote) of the votes in an electorate.’ Australia also uses the proportional voting system is ‘A voting system based on multi-member electorates in which each successful candidate must achieve a quote- a fraction of the vote that reflects the number of positions to be filled from the electorate.’ This report will outline the features of the two systems, the differences, and similarities and will also explain some of the different views and opinions of each system. This report will also draw a conclusion to the effectiveness of each electoral system.

Role and place of political parties
One feature that is prevalent in both electoral systems is the role and place of political parties. ‘Political parties exist to represent the interests of different groups and individuals in society; their ultimate goal is to have members elected to represent these interests. Although the political systems in Australia and America are dominated by two major parties, Australia's Parliament contains a greater representation of minor parties and Independents.’ ‘Political parties aim to achieve representation in parliament’ by fulfilling several important functions: These quotes need to be referenced. Although, I tend to think think paraphrasing rather than using a direct quote could be useful here, because you've got two large quotes.

•   Parties allow for the peaceful expression of social conflict and political division.
•   Parties allow for political participation.
•   Parties control government in two senses.
•   Parties express alternate sets of values and translate these into the policies that are presented to the people in elections.

The fact that Australia and the America both have a two party system "The two party system in Australia and the USA allows..."allows the various similarities in regards to the role and place of political parties; major parties to be investigated in regards to the fulfillment of these functions.

Australia has two major parties which are the ‘Liberal Party of Australia and the Australian Labor Party.’ While in America the two major parties are the ‘Republican Party and the Democratic Party.’ No need to cup these in apostrophes.In both countries these ‘’two major parties dominate the legislature while independents constitute the minor membership of the legislature’.  Again with the quoting and sourcing.Independents have occasionally been elected; however, they often become associated with one of the two major parties in America verifying the disadvantage that the ‘two-party system could lead to partisanship.’

In a two-party system, ‘parties spend most of their time undermining the other group’ with ‘the possibility that it could result in unnecessary legislations being passed while the government works with less efficiency.’ This evidently questions ‘Fair’ representation of political parties and independents.
‘Whereas in countries where there are multiple parties, the winning candidates have to form a coalition with those who lost to effectively run the country.’ Some different views on this system include commentators seeing ‘the system as an instrument for maintaining the dominance of the two major parties’ by ‘restricting the role of minor parties in the lower house’. Along with the disadvantage that ‘the two-party system makes the people feel like they have no other choice’. In particular ‘In the United States, it is common to consider voting for a third-party a waste of vote, a disengagement from the normal political process and voting for people who don’t deserve to win.’ Hence, it is evident that from the similarities of a two-party system in the American and Australian electoral system the disadvantages and advantages can be investigated. This is a really good paragraph, it's filled with analysis. But, it seriously lacks in your own voice. Because it is so full of quotes, I can't be sure what is your analysis and what is your skill at gathering information. By all means, use a quote here and there to give weight to your argument. But right here, it appears to cover your own voice.

Funding of elections
In both electoral systems in Australia and America a successful campaign is necessary to gather votes to be elected. There are distinct difference between Australia and America in terms of where funds come from, how much is generally spent as well what the funds are actually used for. In Australia a way to gather electoral funding is through donations. ‘In Australia, parties and donors only need to declare donations above $12,800. That means any money below this amount is private.’ However this can evoke questions of where these donations go and the uneven distribution of donations between rival parties. This can ultimately influence the quality, impact and effect of a campaign to gather enough votes to be elected. An advantage of donations is that citizens can support their desired party however there are a few repercussions such as Donors exploiting differences in the system by using ‘associated entities’, there is no oversight for how the money is spent and the controversial topic of the privacy of donations. ‘During the Independent Commission Against Corruption (ICAC) investigation, which heard the majority of NSW donations to the Free Enterprise Foundation were from property developers, of which $700,000 was donated to the NSW campaign.’ ‘Australian elections are fought using a combination of private and public funds, according to Clem Macintyre’ view on the subject ’The bulk of the money comes in from donations," he said. These funds are considerably costly for both countries. In Australia the 2015 By-election – Canning cost an estimated $1 997 293 while the by-election – North Sydney cost an estimated $1 675 904.
‘They can be very large donations from corporations and unions. They can be small donations, they can be [from] fundraising quiz nights and the like. All political parties spend a lot of money on campaigning." In contrast, in America the cost of the congressional races were an estimated cost of $3,845,393 in 2014. I don't think this argument balances the comparison of Australia to USA well. It currently looks at Australia, and then one sentence for America. Considering weaving the two together for a more balanced report.

Voter eligibility
For an electoral system to be effective the eligibility and requirements of a voter is necessary in both countries. ‘Voter registration requirements are influenced by the design of the electoral system.’ In Australia ‘a  system which uses single-member districts usually requires that each voter be registered within the boundaries of a specified district.’ In Australia, voting is compulsory whereas in America voting is compulsory. This difference produces distinct differences in regards to how many people actually voted and the consequences of not voting. In Australia if you do not vote you will be fined. Be more specific here - it is compulsory over the age of 18 in Australia. It isn't compulsory for minors. If you can, why not link in to the Constitutional right to vote and also the right to vote as set out in International Human Rights documents? That way you're extending yourself in the report by taking it to the next level, rather than focusing domestically :)

Conclusion
The first past the vote and the compromise electoral systems are two different systems used in America and Australia respectively that display different advantages and disadvantages over similar aspects. Taking into the consideration the different views on the two electoral systems there are overall merits of each system. I'm not sure because I haven't had to write a report, but it's my assumption that this conclusion is too short. Two sentences doesn't really summarise the above. But, I could be wrong, and in fact the conclusion could be for the purpose of literally concluding rather than summarising. I'm not sure about this sorry!


You've done a lot of really good research here! Your arguments are well structured. In the HSC, I recommend bringing in International documents or Human Rights as much as possible because it extends your analysis from a legislation, domestic based approach. I'm not sure if this is something suggested in WA! Also, you've used a lot of quotes. So much so that often it is one after the other. Don't get me wrong, there's no doubt you've done your research! But, it clouds your own analysis. Using a correctly sourced quote here or there can work in your favour, but this appears to be deducting from your individual voice (particularly because the source of the quotes isn't referenced). I'd go back through the sections that are heavily quoted and consider paraphrasing a lot more, just to get your own voice out there, and you get to twist the words to link into one another better. I hope this has been helpful! Like I said, I don't know much about electoral systems or reports, but hopefully this has given you an idea of the next direction to go in :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: anotherworld2b on August 30, 2016, 10:16:24 pm
Hi I'm back I was wondering if could get feedback on what I have done so far.
I am a bit confused on how to fulfil these aspects that we get marks on and how well I've done it so far. I'm struggling with analysis in particular  :'(
I have only been listing advantages and disadvantages at this point ???

- Presents a logical well-structured report that compares and contrasts the two electoral systems
- Analyses relevant features of the two systems
- Analyses the strengths and weaknesses of the two systems
- Makes a sound judgement about the merits of the two systems (taking differing views into account)
- Uses relevant examples relating to both systems
- Uses relevant political and legal terminology and concepts.

Could I please get a reply as soon as possible? My report is due friday and i'll need to print it out on Thursday
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on August 31, 2016, 04:02:54 pm
Quote from: anotherworld2b on August 30, 2016, 10:16:24 pm
Hi I'm back I was wondering if could get feedback on what I have done so far.
I am a bit confused on how to fulfil these aspects that we get marks on and how well I've done it so far. I'm struggling with analysis in particular  :'(
I have only been listing advantages and disadvantages at this point ???

- Presents a logical well-structured report that compares and contrasts the two electoral systems
- Analyses relevant features of the two systems
- Analyses the strengths and weaknesses of the two systems
- Makes a sound judgement about the merits of the two systems (taking differing views into account)
- Uses relevant examples relating to both systems
- Uses relevant political and legal terminology and concepts.

Could I please get a reply as soon as possible? My report is due friday and i'll need to print it out on Thursday

This looks great! If you're struggling with analysis, consider it like this.
You have to identify the subjects you're talking about, provide some details about them. Then go in and fill it out by providing pros and cons like you have, and then discuss the relationship between them. So go back through and connect the votes to the human right, the voters to the polls, the results to democracy, etc. So you're doing the right thing, it's just about making the relationships between everything really clear.

You're also still using a lot of quotes. Typically in academic work, it is best to put it into your own words and recognise the ideas through footnoting (as you have done). But right now, quotes are carrying your argument and its hard to make connections to your understand as opposed to someone else's.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: aoife98 on September 02, 2016, 02:44:34 pm
Hi I was hoping someone could read my world order essay. My marks haven't exceeded 23/25 even though I incorporated all my teachers feedback. What would improve it and make it flexible for the hsc?

Thanks!
Spoiler
World leaders converging in the United Nations building in New York City, pass a replica of Picasso’s Guernica painting, a poignant depiction of the horrors of war. The tapestries significance lies in the UN’s origins and their endeavour to ensure world order through peaceful means (UN Charter, 1945). International law has become a prominent force in achieving peace, relying on international cooperation and respect to maintain healthy relationships between nation states and significant bodies. This reveals the inherently contradictory structure of international law, relying on political will to achieve order.

The 2005 UN recognition of the “Responsibility to Protect” (R2P) was hailed as “the most significant adjustment to sovereignty” (Gilbert). A decade prior, a vicious civil war left 800,000 Rwandans dead in 3 months, with little international acknowledgement. The UN's attempted ceasefires were undermined by the Security Council (UNSC) lack of political will , preventing the peacekeeping mission from using force to protect civilians, rendering them ineffective (Swedish MP Carlsson). The mastermind behind the genocide had relied on a lack of international response, allowing them to escape justice until 2008 when the International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda set a landmark in sentencing officer Bagosora to life imprisonment for crimes of war. Still, the impossibility of bringing each individual to justice emphasised the need to prevent this happening again. Addressing this failure, R2P attempted to reconcile the need to protect world order and state sovereignty.

R2P has since been criticised as a “rhetorical presence” lacking substance due to the UN's failure to apply it to Syria (Washington Post, 2015). Conflict in Syria developed in 2012 from hostilities between the dictatorial government of Assad and its opponents. International interventions failures has seen increasing involvement from neighbouring countries and violent militia groups, threatening the peace of the Middle East and further. Masses of evidence have been widely reported, alleging Assad’s violations of the conduct of hostilities including using chemical weapons, indicating non compliance with the Hague Convention, 1899 and Geneva Convention, 1949.

Despite international condemnation, prosecution is obstructed by the nations not being signatories to the Rome Statute. Thus they’re beyond the International Criminal Court's (ICC) jurisdiction, an intergovernmental body prosecuting individuals for international crimes. This reveals R2P flaws; its success relies on the motivations of those charged with its implementation. The ICC may only review cases referred from the UNSC and has limited ability to enforce rulings, revealing a need for reform. This manifested in the ICC failed attempt to meet R2P by prosecuting Sudanese President Hassan for genocide. The court's failure undermined its authority, as have political divisions within the UNSC. Russia and China have vetoed Syrian referral to the ICC, highlighting UNSC inequality and the need for cooperation in achieving world order (SMH, 2011).

The most significant other attempt was the Syrian Peace Process backed by the Arab League. Coordinated by a UN envoy, the Annan Plan 2012 initiated political negotiations. However it failed due to a lack of resources and “passive rules of engagement” authorised for the Monitoring Mission, paralleling Rwanda. Bilateral sanctions and political isolation of the state have also proved largely ineffective.

Meanwhile, extremist militant group ISIS began establishing a caliphate in Syria, threatening regional security. In 2015, a coalition of nations including Australia launched a Syrian airstrike targeting these terrorist groups, employing force to deter and protect. Whilst uniting to protect world order shows a degree of successful cooperation, the airstrikes disregard the conduct of hostilities allowed by the UN Charter only when sanctioned by the UNSC or for self defence. Similarly, conversation at 2015 G20 summit surrounded the deployment of peacekeepers in a buffer zone, revealing increasing cooperation to resolve conflict (ABC News, 2015).

Alternatively, Amnesty International has strived to restore peace through negotiations and campaigns, releasing media statements on human rights abuses. The NGO aims to persuade the international community to take more definitive action, calling specifically for an embargo against arm transfers to Syria. The Red Cross have also issued calls for the “immediate and simultaneous” (Gasser) lifting of sieges to allow humanitarian aid to over 400,000 people. The complex nature of this conflict has revealed systemic flaws which may only be overcome by reform or political will. While current measures have produced little success, the commitment of nations to cooperating suggests hope for conflict resolution.

Since the 1945 detonation of the atomic bomb in Hiroshima, the greatest threat to global security is posed by weapons of mass destruction, with over 16,000 nuclear weapons distributed amongst just 9 nations. While the UN condemned the use of nuclear weapons in war, it wasn’t realised until NATO persuaded nations to sign the Nuclear Non Proliferation Treaty (NPT) 1968. In 2003 Britain, USA and Australia, fearing the UN were ineffective, undermined calls for peace by invading Iraq on the basis of WMD. The 2016 Chilcot Report since revealed military action was unnecessary, revealing a lack of compliance and lack of commitment to world order. (SMH 2016)

In 1991, the UNSC persuaded Iraq to dismantle all nuclear weapons but was not effective until 2002, when Iraq submitted to weapons inspections. This was similarly demonstrated by US President Obama’s successful negotiation with Iran, exchanging weapons inspections for the lifting of sanctions (BBC, 2015). These demonstrate the continued international commitment to peace. As negotiations continue, including the 1983 bilateral SORT treaty between USA and USSR, nuclear stockpiles have been greatly reduced, although many are not disabled. A single weapon can cause significant damage, demanding further reform, such as the Australian International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons (ICAN). ICAN is likely to achieve their goal of a UN treaty which abolishes the possession of nuclear weapons, with reports of a conference in 2017. Thus, the success of global cooperation is evident as having lessened the threat posed by weapons of mass destruction.

North Korean violations of the conduct of hostilities through the detonation of nuclear weapons over recent years has earned it significant global condemnation for the threat it poses to global security (SMH, 2016). After withdrawing from the NPT in 2003, the General Assembly and UNSC isolated the state, placing trade sanctions to coerce cooperation. These were largely ineffective against the state which continues to violate UN resolutions and Geneva Conventions, using state sovereignty to refuse international intervention. In order to protect regional security, South Korea and America have discussed deploying a deterrent mission, ignoring UN rulings and ironically threatening peace. Whilst non legal measures have been more effective, the problem will remain ongoing until all weapons are dismantled.

The commitment of the broader international community to maintaining world peace is evident as a significant success of the system. A variety of mechanisms exist through various organs with the sole intention of protecting humanity. However the complex nature of modern conflict requires mass cooperation to resolve. Thus the effectiveness of mechanisms varies, affected by the political motivations of states, and the nature of state sovereignty. Despite some failures, the proven willingness of nations to cooperate and the recognition of the global responsibility to protect reveals an unprecedented potential for world order. 

Moderator Edit: Added a spoiler :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: melprocrastinator on September 02, 2016, 07:24:24 pm
Hey, this is a Family Law essay i wrote quite a while back on Surrogacy and birth technologies. I would really appreciate the feedback. I know i sometimes write more simply than others, but hopefully my work still shows sophistication. Also the idea of posting my essay for eveyone to see terrifies me, since the essays ive skim read so far, sound so good.
But dont let that stop you from being harsh... i promise not to cry too much  :P
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 04, 2016, 06:16:19 pm
Quote from: aoife98 on September 02, 2016, 02:44:34 pm
Hi I was hoping someone could read my world order essay. My marks haven't exceeded 23/25 even though I incorporated all my teachers feedback. What would improve it and make it flexible for the hsc?

Thanks!

Hey there! Definitely can give your essay a read, I'll do my best to help you get you that 25/25 ;) your essay is attached with feedback throughout in bold!!

Spoiler
World leaders converging in the United Nations building in New York City, pass a replica of Picasso’s Guernica painting, a poignant depiction of the horrors of war. Very interesting first sentence. The tapestries significance lies in the UN’s origins and their endeavour to ensure world order through peaceful means (UN Charter, 1945). International law has become a prominent force in achieving peace, relying on international cooperation and respect to maintain healthy relationships between nation states and significant bodies. This reveals the inherently contradictory structure of international law, relying on political will to achieve order. Overall, this is a solid (and definitely engaging) introduction. Be careful your less than typical approach doesn't detract from the purpose of the introduction: To set out your argument. I'm not getting much of an OPINION here, ensure you develop one when responding to a question. Further, try setting out what your paragraphs will cover in your intro to orient the reader.

The 2005 UN recognition of the “Responsibility to Protect” (R2P) was hailed as “the most significant adjustment to sovereignty” (Gilbert). A decade prior, a vicious civil war left 800,000 Rwandans dead in 3 months, with little international acknowledgement. Again, this introductory sentence(s) isn't really developing an opinion, or an analytical position. I'm looking for you to make it clear where you stand on the UN R2P; how effective is it? The UN's attempted ceasefires were undermined by the Security Council (UNSC) lack of political will , preventing the peacekeeping mission from using force to protect civilians, rendering them ineffective (Swedish MP Carlsson). The mastermind behind the genocide had relied on a lack of international response, allowing them to escape justice until 2008 when the International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda set a landmark in sentencing officer Bagosora to life imprisonment for crimes of war. Try to approach this information a little more analytically; right now you are siting on a more retell-driven style of delivery. Still, the impossibility of bringing each individual to justice emphasised the need to prevent this happening again. Addressing this failure, R2P attempted to reconcile the need to protect world order and state sovereignty. So reading this whole paragraph, it reads like a historical context paragraph. Not much analysis, just facts and a bit of recount. It works, but there are better ways to use your words to actually analyse situations and draw your own conclusions about the effectiveness/ineffectiveness of legal mechanisms.

R2P has since been criticised as a “rhetorical presence” lacking substance due to the UN's failure to apply it to Syria (Washington Post, 2015). Like your inclusion of quotes/media references, very effective way to present popular opinion. Conflict in Syria developed in 2012 from hostilities between the dictatorial government of Assad and its opponents. Still recounting here. International interventions failures has seen increasing involvement from neighbouring countries and violent militia groups, threatening the peace of the Middle East and further. Masses of evidence have been widely reported, alleging Assad’s violations of the conduct of hostilities including using chemical weapons, indicating non compliance with the Hague Convention, 1899 and Geneva Convention, 1949. Good laws to mention, but what does this demonstrate to you about the effectiveness/ineffectiveness of R2P? I'm looking for more conventional: This evidence shows that R2P is ineffective, this evidence shows it actually is somewhat effective, etc etc. You aren't evaluating/analysing, you are recounting, with little bits of analysis sneaking in.

Despite international condemnation, prosecution is obstructed by the nations not being signatories to the Rome Statute. Thus they’re beyond the International Criminal Court's (ICC) jurisdiction, an intergovernmental body prosecuting individuals for international crimes. This reveals R2P flaws; its success relies on the motivations of those charged with its implementation. Good. The ICC may only review cases referred from the UNSC and has limited ability to enforce rulings, revealing a need for reform. This manifested in the ICC failed attempt to meet R2P by prosecuting Sudanese President Hassan for genocide. This is better; I'd love to see this sort of analysis developed further with a more typical paragraph structure. The court's failure undermined its authority, as have political divisions within the UNSC. Russia and China have vetoed Syrian referral to the ICC, highlighting UNSC inequality and the need for cooperation in achieving world order (SMH, 2011).

The most significant other attempt was the Syrian Peace Process backed by the Arab League. Coordinated by a UN envoy, the Annan Plan 2012 initiated political negotiations. Recount. However it failed due to a lack of resources and “passive rules of engagement” authorised for the Monitoring Mission, paralleling Rwanda. Bilateral sanctions and political isolation of the state have also proved largely ineffective. This paragraph adds nothing to your argument; you have already proved this point. Move on to new things!

Meanwhile, extremist militant group ISIS began establishing a caliphate in Syria, threatening regional security. In 2015, a coalition of nations including Australia launched a Syrian airstrike targeting these terrorist groups, employing force to deter and protect. Recounting. Whilst uniting to protect world order shows a degree of successful cooperation, the airstrikes disregard the conduct of hostilities allowed by the UN Charter only when sanctioned by the UNSC or for self defence. Tell me more? Similarly, conversation at 2015 G20 summit surrounded the deployment of peacekeepers in a buffer zone, revealing increasing cooperation to resolve conflict (ABC News, 2015).

Alternatively, Amnesty International has strived to restore peace through negotiations and campaigns, releasing media statements on human rights abuses. The NGO aims to persuade the international community to take more definitive action, calling specifically for an embargo against arm transfers to Syria. The Red Cross have also issued calls for the “immediate and simultaneous” (Gasser) lifting of sieges to allow humanitarian aid to over 400,000 people. The complex nature of this conflict has revealed systemic flaws which may only be overcome by reform or political will. While current measures have produced little success, the commitment of nations to cooperating suggests hope for conflict resolution. I like that you are mentioning NGO's, it adds depth to the typical UN dominated World Order essay, but you still need to be evaluating! Don't just tell me WHAT they do, tell me HOW WELL it addresses world order issues!

Since the 1945 detonation of the atomic bomb in Hiroshima, the greatest threat to global security is posed by weapons of mass destruction, with over 16,000 nuclear weapons distributed amongst just 9 nations. While the UN condemned the use of nuclear weapons in war, it wasn’t realised until NATO persuaded nations to sign the Nuclear Non Proliferation Treaty (NPT) 1968. In 2003 Britain, USA and Australia, fearing the UN were ineffective, undermined calls for peace by invading Iraq on the basis of WMD. The 2016 Chilcot Report since revealed military action was unnecessary, revealing a lack of compliance and lack of commitment to world order. (SMH 2016) My fear with this short paragraph structure is that you aren't committing to a viewpoint or analysis; these feel like extracts from multiple essays (see below).

In 1991, the UNSC persuaded Iraq to dismantle all nuclear weapons but was not effective until 2002, when Iraq submitted to weapons inspections. This was similarly demonstrated by US President Obama’s successful negotiation with Iran, exchanging weapons inspections for the lifting of sanctions (BBC, 2015). Recount. These demonstrate the continued international commitment to peace. As negotiations continue, including the 1983 bilateral SORT treaty between USA and USSR, nuclear stockpiles have been greatly reduced, although many are not disabled. A single weapon can cause significant damage, demanding further reform, such as the Australian International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons (ICAN). ICAN is likely to achieve their goal of a UN treaty which abolishes the possession of nuclear weapons, with reports of a conference in 2017. Thus, the success of global cooperation is evident as having lessened the threat posed by weapons of mass destruction. This is a better conclusive sentence.

North Korean violations of the conduct of hostilities through the detonation of nuclear weapons over recent years has earned it significant global condemnation for the threat it poses to global security (SMH, 2016). After withdrawing from the NPT in 2003, the General Assembly and UNSC isolated the state, placing trade sanctions to coerce cooperation. These were largely ineffective against the state which continues to violate UN resolutions and Geneva Conventions, using state sovereignty to refuse international intervention. In order to protect regional security, South Korea and America have discussed deploying a deterrent mission, ignoring UN rulings and ironically threatening peace. Whilst non legal measures have been more effective, the problem will remain ongoing until all weapons are dismantled.

The commitment of the broader international community to maintaining world peace is evident as a significant success of the system. A variety of mechanisms exist through various organs with the sole intention of protecting humanity. However the complex nature of modern conflict requires mass cooperation to resolve. Thus the effectiveness of mechanisms varies, affected by the political motivations of states, and the nature of state sovereignty. Despite some failures, the proven willingness of nations to cooperate and the recognition of the global responsibility to protect reveals an unprecedented potential for world order. 

Not too many comments throughout actually, because most of my comments are over-arching and apply to your essay as a whole rather than individual sections!

First of all, your writing style is fabulous. You've got a lot of flair here; you are clear and sophisticated, and demand attention where attention is due. That's fantastic. You also clearly have excellent content knowledge, you have a lot of case studies and examples, and I love your inclusion of media references. Excellent on all those fronts :)

My concerns with this essay are two fold. First, your structure. You have a very atypical structure, characterised by very short paragraphs covering a broad range of world order issues and ideas. My concern with this is that none of your ideas are fully developed. Your essay is, for lack of a better way to express it, a bit all over the place. I don't have a logical train of thought because you are jumping between your ideas so quickly, without proper introduction and conclusion, and without linking what you discuss to a greater idea.

Because you have so many ideas, and because few of them are linked to any kind of central idea: This essay reads more like a set of excerpts from different world order essays than a single, cohesive, body of writing.

I would recommend you try to use fewer, but longer, paragraphs that fully flesh out your ideas! Something like: Responsibility to Protect, Weapons of Mass Destruction, and NGO's, could work well (but it would be difficult for you to link them under a central idea). You also need to work on properly introducing your concept by linking it to the grander concept, and then concluding appropriately.

EG: The UN General Assembly, as an international forum for the discussion of contemporary issues that threaten world order, acts as an effective mechanism for the promotion of international cooperation. Thus, though not directly an enforceable mechanism, it arguably protects world order more effectively than the UNSC.

See how that sentence (setting up a paragraph on the UN General Assembly) links to a broader picture (international cooperation), and sets up a perspective. THEN, I prove that perspective with evidence. Then, I conclude:

Thus, it is clear how the promotion of discussion in the General Assembly effectively fosters international cooperation and protects world order.

There would be a solid paragraph between that intro and conclusion: And it would be analytical. Which leads me to my next concern; you are recounting more than analysing. Yes, analysis comes into it, and it's effective, but the focus of your response is more on what has happened in these situations, rather than how they demonstrate effectiveness/ineffectiveness in the area of world order. At least, that's how it reads, that is partially because your topic sentences don't set up an analytical viewpoint. They just state what happened, not set up a perspective.

Take out the details of your contemporary situations/issues, they aren't important. More important is things about laws/treaties, and an analysis of their effectiveness. Good or bad? Why is it good/bad? What is your evidence?

Don't get me wrong, you know your shit. I know you know your shit, that is obvious. But you just aren't quite approaching this in the most effective way. Now I'm not saying you need to write the same essay that everyone else is writing; I like that you add some flair. However, these more typical 3-paragraph structures and typical Thesis statements exist because they are effective. Try doing some longer paragraphs and exploring your ideas in more depth; less recounting of historical details, more of your evaluation of effectiveness.

I hope this helps!! Definitely let me know if you need anything clarified ;D

Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 04, 2016, 06:44:11 pm
Quote from: melprocrastinator on September 02, 2016, 07:24:24 pm
Hey, this is a Family Law essay i wrote quite a while back on Surrogacy and birth technologies. I would really appreciate the feedback. I know i sometimes write more simply than others, but hopefully my work still shows sophistication. Also the idea of posting my essay for eveyone to see terrifies me, since the essays ive skim read so far, sound so good.
But dont let that stop you from being harsh... i promise not to cry too much  :P

Your essay should be marked tonight Mel! Or if not, tomorrow morning! ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: aoife98 on September 05, 2016, 09:41:18 am
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on September 04, 2016, 06:16:19 pm
Hey there! Definitely can give your essay a read, I'll do my best to help you get you that 25/25 ;) your essay is attached with feedback throughout in bold!!

Spoiler
World leaders converging in the United Nations building in New York City, pass a replica of Picasso’s Guernica painting, a poignant depiction of the horrors of war. Very interesting first sentence. The tapestries significance lies in the UN’s origins and their endeavour to ensure world order through peaceful means (UN Charter, 1945). International law has become a prominent force in achieving peace, relying on international cooperation and respect to maintain healthy relationships between nation states and significant bodies. This reveals the inherently contradictory structure of international law, relying on political will to achieve order. Overall, this is a solid (and definitely engaging) introduction. Be careful your less than typical approach doesn't detract from the purpose of the introduction: To set out your argument. I'm not getting much of an OPINION here, ensure you develop one when responding to a question. Further, try setting out what your paragraphs will cover in your intro to orient the reader.

The 2005 UN recognition of the “Responsibility to Protect” (R2P) was hailed as “the most significant adjustment to sovereignty” (Gilbert). A decade prior, a vicious civil war left 800,000 Rwandans dead in 3 months, with little international acknowledgement. Again, this introductory sentence(s) isn't really developing an opinion, or an analytical position. I'm looking for you to make it clear where you stand on the UN R2P; how effective is it? The UN's attempted ceasefires were undermined by the Security Council (UNSC) lack of political will , preventing the peacekeeping mission from using force to protect civilians, rendering them ineffective (Swedish MP Carlsson). The mastermind behind the genocide had relied on a lack of international response, allowing them to escape justice until 2008 when the International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda set a landmark in sentencing officer Bagosora to life imprisonment for crimes of war. Try to approach this information a little more analytically; right now you are siting on a more retell-driven style of delivery. Still, the impossibility of bringing each individual to justice emphasised the need to prevent this happening again. Addressing this failure, R2P attempted to reconcile the need to protect world order and state sovereignty. So reading this whole paragraph, it reads like a historical context paragraph. Not much analysis, just facts and a bit of recount. It works, but there are better ways to use your words to actually analyse situations and draw your own conclusions about the effectiveness/ineffectiveness of legal mechanisms.

R2P has since been criticised as a “rhetorical presence” lacking substance due to the UN's failure to apply it to Syria (Washington Post, 2015). Like your inclusion of quotes/media references, very effective way to present popular opinion. Conflict in Syria developed in 2012 from hostilities between the dictatorial government of Assad and its opponents. Still recounting here. International interventions failures has seen increasing involvement from neighbouring countries and violent militia groups, threatening the peace of the Middle East and further. Masses of evidence have been widely reported, alleging Assad’s violations of the conduct of hostilities including using chemical weapons, indicating non compliance with the Hague Convention, 1899 and Geneva Convention, 1949. Good laws to mention, but what does this demonstrate to you about the effectiveness/ineffectiveness of R2P? I'm looking for more conventional: This evidence shows that R2P is ineffective, this evidence shows it actually is somewhat effective, etc etc. You aren't evaluating/analysing, you are recounting, with little bits of analysis sneaking in.

Despite international condemnation, prosecution is obstructed by the nations not being signatories to the Rome Statute. Thus they’re beyond the International Criminal Court's (ICC) jurisdiction, an intergovernmental body prosecuting individuals for international crimes. This reveals R2P flaws; its success relies on the motivations of those charged with its implementation. Good. The ICC may only review cases referred from the UNSC and has limited ability to enforce rulings, revealing a need for reform. This manifested in the ICC failed attempt to meet R2P by prosecuting Sudanese President Hassan for genocide. This is better; I'd love to see this sort of analysis developed further with a more typical paragraph structure. The court's failure undermined its authority, as have political divisions within the UNSC. Russia and China have vetoed Syrian referral to the ICC, highlighting UNSC inequality and the need for cooperation in achieving world order (SMH, 2011).

The most significant other attempt was the Syrian Peace Process backed by the Arab League. Coordinated by a UN envoy, the Annan Plan 2012 initiated political negotiations. Recount. However it failed due to a lack of resources and “passive rules of engagement” authorised for the Monitoring Mission, paralleling Rwanda. Bilateral sanctions and political isolation of the state have also proved largely ineffective. This paragraph adds nothing to your argument; you have already proved this point. Move on to new things!

Meanwhile, extremist militant group ISIS began establishing a caliphate in Syria, threatening regional security. In 2015, a coalition of nations including Australia launched a Syrian airstrike targeting these terrorist groups, employing force to deter and protect. Recounting. Whilst uniting to protect world order shows a degree of successful cooperation, the airstrikes disregard the conduct of hostilities allowed by the UN Charter only when sanctioned by the UNSC or for self defence. Tell me more? Similarly, conversation at 2015 G20 summit surrounded the deployment of peacekeepers in a buffer zone, revealing increasing cooperation to resolve conflict (ABC News, 2015).

Alternatively, Amnesty International has strived to restore peace through negotiations and campaigns, releasing media statements on human rights abuses. The NGO aims to persuade the international community to take more definitive action, calling specifically for an embargo against arm transfers to Syria. The Red Cross have also issued calls for the “immediate and simultaneous” (Gasser) lifting of sieges to allow humanitarian aid to over 400,000 people. The complex nature of this conflict has revealed systemic flaws which may only be overcome by reform or political will. While current measures have produced little success, the commitment of nations to cooperating suggests hope for conflict resolution. I like that you are mentioning NGO's, it adds depth to the typical UN dominated World Order essay, but you still need to be evaluating! Don't just tell me WHAT they do, tell me HOW WELL it addresses world order issues!

Since the 1945 detonation of the atomic bomb in Hiroshima, the greatest threat to global security is posed by weapons of mass destruction, with over 16,000 nuclear weapons distributed amongst just 9 nations. While the UN condemned the use of nuclear weapons in war, it wasn’t realised until NATO persuaded nations to sign the Nuclear Non Proliferation Treaty (NPT) 1968. In 2003 Britain, USA and Australia, fearing the UN were ineffective, undermined calls for peace by invading Iraq on the basis of WMD. The 2016 Chilcot Report since revealed military action was unnecessary, revealing a lack of compliance and lack of commitment to world order. (SMH 2016) My fear with this short paragraph structure is that you aren't committing to a viewpoint or analysis; these feel like extracts from multiple essays (see below).

In 1991, the UNSC persuaded Iraq to dismantle all nuclear weapons but was not effective until 2002, when Iraq submitted to weapons inspections. This was similarly demonstrated by US President Obama’s successful negotiation with Iran, exchanging weapons inspections for the lifting of sanctions (BBC, 2015). Recount. These demonstrate the continued international commitment to peace. As negotiations continue, including the 1983 bilateral SORT treaty between USA and USSR, nuclear stockpiles have been greatly reduced, although many are not disabled. A single weapon can cause significant damage, demanding further reform, such as the Australian International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons (ICAN). ICAN is likely to achieve their goal of a UN treaty which abolishes the possession of nuclear weapons, with reports of a conference in 2017. Thus, the success of global cooperation is evident as having lessened the threat posed by weapons of mass destruction. This is a better conclusive sentence.

North Korean violations of the conduct of hostilities through the detonation of nuclear weapons over recent years has earned it significant global condemnation for the threat it poses to global security (SMH, 2016). After withdrawing from the NPT in 2003, the General Assembly and UNSC isolated the state, placing trade sanctions to coerce cooperation. These were largely ineffective against the state which continues to violate UN resolutions and Geneva Conventions, using state sovereignty to refuse international intervention. In order to protect regional security, South Korea and America have discussed deploying a deterrent mission, ignoring UN rulings and ironically threatening peace. Whilst non legal measures have been more effective, the problem will remain ongoing until all weapons are dismantled.

The commitment of the broader international community to maintaining world peace is evident as a significant success of the system. A variety of mechanisms exist through various organs with the sole intention of protecting humanity. However the complex nature of modern conflict requires mass cooperation to resolve. Thus the effectiveness of mechanisms varies, affected by the political motivations of states, and the nature of state sovereignty. Despite some failures, the proven willingness of nations to cooperate and the recognition of the global responsibility to protect reveals an unprecedented potential for world order. 

Not too many comments throughout actually, because most of my comments are over-arching and apply to your essay as a whole rather than individual sections!

First of all, your writing style is fabulous. You've got a lot of flair here; you are clear and sophisticated, and demand attention where attention is due. That's fantastic. You also clearly have excellent content knowledge, you have a lot of case studies and examples, and I love your inclusion of media references. Excellent on all those fronts :)

My concerns with this essay are two fold. First, your structure. You have a very atypical structure, characterised by very short paragraphs covering a broad range of world order issues and ideas. My concern with this is that none of your ideas are fully developed. Your essay is, for lack of a better way to express it, a bit all over the place. I don't have a logical train of thought because you are jumping between your ideas so quickly, without proper introduction and conclusion, and without linking what you discuss to a greater idea.

Because you have so many ideas, and because few of them are linked to any kind of central idea: This essay reads more like a set of excerpts from different world order essays than a single, cohesive, body of writing.

I would recommend you try to use fewer, but longer, paragraphs that fully flesh out your ideas! Something like: Responsibility to Protect, Weapons of Mass Destruction, and NGO's, could work well (but it would be difficult for you to link them under a central idea). You also need to work on properly introducing your concept by linking it to the grander concept, and then concluding appropriately.

EG: The UN General Assembly, as an international forum for the discussion of contemporary issues that threaten world order, acts as an effective mechanism for the promotion of international cooperation. Thus, though not directly an enforceable mechanism, it arguably protects world order more effectively than the UNSC.

See how that sentence (setting up a paragraph on the UN General Assembly) links to a broader picture (international cooperation), and sets up a perspective. THEN, I prove that perspective with evidence. Then, I conclude:

Thus, it is clear how the promotion of discussion in the General Assembly effectively fosters international cooperation and protects world order.

There would be a solid paragraph between that intro and conclusion: And it would be analytical. Which leads me to my next concern; you are recounting more than analysing. Yes, analysis comes into it, and it's effective, but the focus of your response is more on what has happened in these situations, rather than how they demonstrate effectiveness/ineffectiveness in the area of world order. At least, that's how it reads, that is partially because your topic sentences don't set up an analytical viewpoint. They just state what happened, not set up a perspective.

Take out the details of your contemporary situations/issues, they aren't important. More important is things about laws/treaties, and an analysis of their effectiveness. Good or bad? Why is it good/bad? What is your evidence?

Don't get me wrong, you know your shit. I know you know your shit, that is obvious. But you just aren't quite approaching this in the most effective way. Now I'm not saying you need to write the same essay that everyone else is writing; I like that you add some flair. However, these more typical 3-paragraph structures and typical Thesis statements exist because they are effective. Try doing some longer paragraphs and exploring your ideas in more depth; less recounting of historical details, more of your evaluation of effectiveness.

I hope this helps!! Definitely let me know if you need anything clarified ;D

Thank you so much! I definitely tend to infer my judgements so I'll go back and make it more explicit. The shorter paragraphs are something my teacher promoted to show a range of information but I can see where the links are missing. If I were to include topic sentences with a stronger perspective of my analysis and integrate some smaller paragraphs, could I maintain my approach of issue by issue rather than turning to the typical UN structure?
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 05, 2016, 11:14:40 am
Quote from: aoife98 on September 05, 2016, 09:41:18 am
Thank you so much! I definitely tend to infer my judgements so I'll go back and make it more explicit. The shorter paragraphs are something my teacher promoted to show a range of information but I can see where the links are missing. If I were to include topic sentences with a stronger perspective of my analysis and integrate some smaller paragraphs, could I maintain my approach of issue by issue rather than turning to the typical UN structure?

Absolutely you can keep the issue by issue, definitely didn't mean to defer that approach, but I'll disagree with your teacher on this one. Obviously you are more than free to ignore my opinion, but the shorter paragraphs don't really flesh out your ideas properly. I suppose you could do several paragraphs with a flowing idea throughout, but by that point, you might be better off just doing a bigger paragraph anyway? :)

I'd personally be looking at doing longer paragraphs while maintaining the issues approach. For example, blending all your Nuclear-Weapon paragraphs into one big one :) I could be wrong, so I'd be happy to see a revised draft in a little while once you've worked on it (and met post count requirements) with what you've improved, and I'll let you know what I think of the new version ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 05, 2016, 11:50:44 am
Quote from: melprocrastinator on September 02, 2016, 07:24:24 pm
Hey, this is a Family Law essay i wrote quite a while back on Surrogacy and birth technologies. I would really appreciate the feedback. I know i sometimes write more simply than others, but hopefully my work still shows sophistication. Also the idea of posting my essay for eveyone to see terrifies me, since the essays ive skim read so far, sound so good.
But dont let that stop you from being harsh... i promise not to cry too much  :P

Hey Mel! Please don't be frightened, I promise that we don't bite ;) seriously, good on you for posting and showing a commitment to improve, you are awesome! ;D

Your essay is attached with comments throughout in bold!

Spoiler
Evaluate the Responsiveness of the legal system in achieving justice for family members with respect to the contemporary issue of surrogacy and birth technologies.

Legal bodies have been quite responsive in achieving justice for family members involved in the processes of surrogacy and birth technology. Great! I'd like to see some slightly higher modality language at the start there, the "quite" just makes you seem a little unsure of yourself. Further, try delving a little deeper, why is responding to these issues important? The legal system has strived for justice by creating and reforming laws that encourage fairness and equality while giving individuals relatively equal access. I get the sense here with your word choice that you might be about to argue a positive and negative side to this issue, if so that's great! Try to make it a little more obvious. If not, try to employ some higher modality language to make your positive position definite. Such laws include The Surrogacy Act 2010 (NSW) (TSA2010) and the Assisted Reproductive Technology Act 2007 (NSW) (ART2007). Great introduction, but it could use a little more depth. What will your paragraphs discuss, for example? Just a little bit more to really get the reader oriented.

Surrogacy is an agreement between a commissioning couple (at least one partner is infertile) and a woman. She agrees to bear a child on their behalf, then “hand over” the baby once it’s born. The marker is a Legal Studies teacher, they know what surrogacy is! You could launch straight in (with some slight changes to expression) here: Admittedly, surrogacy raises many complex legal issues, to which the law has quite adequately responded to, to achieve justice. Be sure your intro reflects your subsequent arguments; You give "ineffective" in places here! The ART2007 banned commercial surrogacy in NSW. This was fairly ineffective for families, as it further reduced the number of surrogates, and forced them to rely on the complex process of overseas surrogacy, as according to the SMH, Australia accounts for 25% of all international surrogacy. Awesome. It unconsciously encouraged international surrogacy, which is an issue since overseas surrogacy cannot be regulated, hence can’t insure ensure justice for any family member. International Commercial surrogacy, costing up to $200,000 in the U.S (SMH), raised questions about how ‘just’ this law was in regards to access, as it made surrogacy only available for the relatively wealthy, thus not achieving justice for all family members. FABULOUS arguments! Very clear points made, and while you could be more succinct, it does work well. Just ensure your topic sentences reflect what follows, otherwise it becomes confusing for the reader.

Various recommendations were incorporated into TSA 2010, which has been reasonably effective in responding to the needs of family members and achieving justice for them. The law outlawed international commercial surrogacy, making it quite un-responsive to the needs of infertile couples, drastically reducing their options, however it was favourable in providing justice for the child. How? I'd like to see this drawn out more. Its outlaw prevented cases like ‘The Baby Gammy’ case 2015, where the couple abandoned the baby with the surrogate mother in Thailand, after he was born with Down syndrome. Try to be a little more sophisticated when discussing case details, just to avoid that "recount" style and maintain an objective, analytical perspective. Though many like Family Court, Chief Justice Diana Bryant argue that this case would not have happened if Commercial surrogacy had not been banned in Australia, as Australian laws could regulate this more effectively (SMH 2015). Watch saying things like "many like Family Court," what is your evidence of this?

The act has responded quite well to the needs of all family members, especially the child. Which act? Previously The Status of Children Act 1996 (NSW) (SCA96) stated that the child’s legal parents were its birth parents, which was unfair to the commissioning parents as they faced many difficulties while parenting the child. Seen in the Trea Burger case, where she could not enrol her child into school, sign hospital papers or access government benefits as she was not recognised as the child’s parent (Melbourne Uni Law Review). Good example to setup the remainder of your paragraph. TSA 2010 responds to this issue by providing a structure for the Supreme Court to transfer full legal parentage of the child to the commissioning parents, through a parenting order, whilst allowing their names to be written on the child’s birth certificate. It also states that a surrogacy agreement must be in writing, which will insure justice for all parties if the terms are clearly stated, and make it easier for the intended parents to obtain the parenting order. This is a much cheaper and shorter process than the previous method of formal adoption, thus is more accessible and responds more adequately to the circumstances of surrogacy. Excellent. The process needed to be simplified and clarified after the Re: Michael case, where the commissioning parents struggled to obtain parenting rights. The law also enforced counselling and legal advice to all parties to make sure they understand the implications, making the legal system highly responsive to the needs of family members. I'm missing a proper conclusion for your paragraphs: Something like a "Thus, the reforms to ______ effectively achieve justice in the areas of _________, that sort of thing.

TSA has also been reformed to focus on the best interest of the child, as a parenting order will only be given if it is. If it is what? Clause 16 says that the parentage application must include a counsellor’s report assuring it would be in the child’s best interest. Under this law the intended parents can apply for the parentage order between 30 days and six months after the child is born. Although the 30 day ‘cooling off’ period undermines the integrity of surrogacy contracts, the max limit secures stable arrangements for the child. Watch (and this is a slight issue in other places too) that you don't focus on the information/detail of the law. Assume your marker knows it. Your focus needs to be on evaluation, on making "effective" or "ineffective" judgements. It also ensures that the status of the child will be recognised in wills and property. Thus effectively recognising the rights of children, or something, link it back to your argument at all times! The new law extends surrogacy not only being for “medical” needs, but also social, which is very effective in responding to the needs of homo-sexual couples, insuring justice through equality. The above points can be seen in the DT article 2012 where two men are the first same sex couple in NSW to be declared parents of a surrogate baby, with the court ruling “Best interest of the child.” This media article doesn't add too much to the argument. Thus it is clear that the law recognises the importance of surrogacy and has responded quite effectively, hence insured justice. Better conclusion here!

New artificial reproductive technologies, such as in-vitro fertilization (IVF) and artificial insemination have allowed for many infertile couples to become parents. The law has been relatively effective in responding to the issues that arise, thus been favourable in achieving justice for family members. This is a solid introduction, it sets up the paragraph well.  The SCA96 provides justice through equality, as it states artificially produced children have the same status as naturally conceived children. It also responds very effectively by establishing that the ‘presumption of paternity’ is automatic, and irrefutable if the couple are married or de-facto, which allows parenting decisions to be made easier. If the woman is pregnant with donated sperm from someone other than her partner, the partner is presumed to be the father of the child. This is evident in the B v J case 1996, where the father refused to pay maintenance, arguing it was the responsibility of the donor who appeared on the birth certificate, however this was rejected under the ‘presumption of paternity.’ How does this example relate to the main argument you are making? Be VERY careful that you don't introduce an example for no reason, relate everything back to your judgement!

The legal system has also been highly responsive to the needs of homosexual’s couples, by insuring that laws are changed to guarantee them justice, particularly equality. By changing the SCA96 with The Miscellaneous Acts Amendment (Same Sex Relationships) Act 2008, the legal system responded adequately to homosexual relationships. As many called for “Amendments to the SCA96 that would extend ‘presumption of parentage’ to the female partner of a woman who has a child through artificial insemination” (SMH 2005). The law did just that, by allowing women to be co-mothers and have equal status, thus fixing the problem that would have been an issue for the lesbian couple in the Re: Patrick case 2002. More than style, be careful that your tone remains sophisticated. Statements like "the law did just that," read more like a speech, try to conform as much as possible to a very academic, objective tone to your writing.

Finally the ART2007 also helped the legal system achieve justice for family members involved  in IVF and AF as it established a mandatory gamete donor register, so that children can access their genetic information. This follows CROC, ‘all children have the right to know their biological parents’, thus responds well to the child’s needs, whilst still protecting the donor by stating no financial liability can be claimed against them. Be sure to give the full name of CROC the first time you use it! Despite this, according to the SMH “The numbers fell sharply when donors had to agree to be identified so offspring could contact them.” Which is very ineffective for infertile couples, as there was already a much higher demand than supply. The act also allows equal rights to for all types of couples to receive IVF treatment, with Medicare will be covering around 50% of costs (SMH 2010), which is highly effective for infertile couples in giving them access to the expensive technology. However its effectiveness is undermined by the fact that it is only available to those who are medically infertile, meaning there is lack of access for single women and homosexual couples (socially infertile.) It is evident that legal bodies have been relatively effective in responding to the rising issues and providing justice for family members in the IVF and AF processes.

To conclude, it is evident that the legal system has been highly responsive to the contemporary issues that surround surrogacy and Artificial Reproductive Technologies, and has been reasonably effective in achieving justice for family members. I'd like to see a little more depth in this conclusion. What sorts of things have you discussed that have proved your point? Conclusions need to be a solid 3-4 sentences, this is a little lacking.

Okay, so to address your concern about "writing style" first. Yes, your style isn't as "sophisticated" as others, but that isn't an issue. Clarity is the most important thing, and you achieved clarity extremely well in your piece. In most places, your ideas were well expressed and well fleshed out, your style did not hinder you at all. There were a few places where I'd tidy up the expression, and you can definitely work on being  little more succinct if you want to, but I don't see any major issues with style here! I popped a few comments throughout as to some areas where I'd change the expression a little :)

Your examples are fabulous. Lots of cases (which can be tricky for this Option) and good references to legislation, and lots of media articles to re-enforce your points. That works extremely well. I'd like to see you diversity your response though: The Legal system encompasses laws, courts, and other legal mechanisms; not just legislation. Perhaps investigate discussing the Family Court as a response specifically, for example. I think what you have works well, but you can branch out and get some more to discuss.

Mostly, your examples were linked to your argument well. In a number of places however, I was looking for more evaluation. Sometimes, your information took over your judgements, which are more important. Remember, your marker is a Legal teacher! You can save words by not discussing complex details of laws/cases and just going: "This case where this happened demonstrates the effectiveness of these reforms. Boom bada boom. Very succinct, because the marker doesn't care about small details. THEY WANT YOUR JUDGEMENT!

Your structure is effective, in that you have a main idea that is sustained, but it is lacking proper introductions and conclusions in every paragraph. Further, although your smaller paragraphs do have a common theme threaded, it could be a little clearer. Adding intro/conclusions may help that. I do think it would be worth blending a number of your paragraphs together in a way that works for you, just so your ideas are grouped a little nicer. The small paragraphs don't give you a chance to truly develop an idea for the reader, even if that idea continues through multiple paragraphs. At times I found myself having to go back and read prior paragraphs to orient myself, and that is a BIG no no :)

All that said; you have an essay with mostly clear judgements, lots of evidence to support those judgements, and an argument that is mostly sustained throughout. This is a great essay, the backbone is there! It just needs a bit of cut and polish I think ;) great work Mel!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: melprocrastinator on September 05, 2016, 05:30:43 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on September 05, 2016, 11:50:44 am
Hey Mel! Please don't be frightened, I promise that we don't bite ;) seriously, good on you for posting and showing a commitment to improve, you are awesome! ;D

Your essay is attached with comments throughout in bold!

Thanks for the help!

Okay, so to address your concern about "writing style" first. Yes, your style isn't as "sophisticated" as others, but that isn't an issue. Clarity is the most important thing, and you achieved clarity extremely well in your piece. In most places, your ideas were well expressed and well fleshed out, your style did not hinder you at all. There were a few places where I'd tidy up the expression, and you can definitely work on being  little more succinct if you want to, but I don't see any major issues with style here! I popped a few comments throughout as to some areas where I'd change the expression a little :)

Thats good to hear, i definitely pull out all the sophisticated language in Advanced and Extension English, because i  know its good to show sophistication there. However I feel like its not COMPLETLEY essential in legal or other humanity subjects, because most of the time im trying to get content down (and adding a judgement of course :P). Thanks for tinkering my expression, i know it gets a little awkward to read sometimes. I saw places where my language was far too colloquial, I cringed a little, and especially after you pointed it out as well haha, but thanks.

Quote
Your examples are fabulous. Lots of cases (which can be tricky for this Option) and good references to legislation, and lots of media articles to re-enforce your points. That works extremely well. I'd like to see you diversity your response though: The Legal system encompasses laws, courts, and other legal mechanisms; not just legislation. Perhaps investigate discussing the Family Court as a response specifically, for example. I think what you have works well, but you can branch out and get some more to discuss.

Thats a really good point! I sometimes forget that there are more mechanisms, thanks for the reminder :) .

Quote
Mostly, your examples were linked to your argument well. In a number of places however, I was looking for more evaluation. Sometimes, your information took over your judgements, which are more important. Remember, your marker is a Legal teacher! You can save words by not discussing complex details of laws/cases and just going: "This case where this happened demonstrates the effectiveness of these reforms. Boom bada boom. Very succinct, because the marker doesn't care about small details. THEY WANT YOUR JUDGEMENT!

Ahhh ok, i see what you mean. Thats actually good news, less fo me to remember and write.

Quote
Your structure is effective, in that you have a main idea that is sustained, but it is lacking proper introductions and conclusions in every paragraph. Further, although your smaller paragraphs do have a common theme threaded, it could be a little clearer. Adding intro/conclusions may help that. I do think it would be worth blending a number of your paragraphs together in a way that works for you, just so your ideas are grouped a little nicer. The small paragraphs don't give you a chance to truly develop an idea for the reader, even if that idea continues through multiple paragraphs. At times I found myself having to go back and read prior paragraphs to orient myself, and that is a BIG no no :)

OHHH i think when i actaully wrote this in class, some paragrpahs were meant to be an "indent" to other paragraphs. I completley see what you mean though, intros and conclusions are so important in maintaining flow for an essay. As an english student i should know better >:( >:(

Quote
All that said; you have an essay with mostly clear judgements, lots of evidence to support those judgements, and an argument that is mostly sustained throughout. This is a great essay, the backbone is there! It just needs a bit of cut and polish I think ;) great work Mel!

Thanks for taking the time to mark it!!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: green-jake on September 27, 2016, 07:23:49 am
Hi. Would you please be able to mark and give me some feedback on this World Order essay :)

Discuss How State Sovereignty Can Assist or Impede the Resolution of World Order Issues.

World order refers to the way in which global events and circumstances are influenced by the major actors of the world. It is essentially characterized by the peaceful settlement of despite through international law, courts, free trade and investment. However, State Sovereignty is the ability of a nation to control their state, territory or population without external intervention. In saying this, state sovereignty poses as a significant threat to the resolution of world order issues including the maintenance and promotion of global peace and security. On the other hand, state sovereignty can also assist the resolution of world order issues by allowing nations to write and enforce their own domestic legislation and engage in activities along with joining international agreements. The world order issues that will be examined include the Syrian Civil war and the disputes between Russian and Ukraine.
Nation states are the basis of world order. It is the law making ability of a nation over its given territory and population. State Sovereignty can effectively assist in the resolution of world order issues which is largely concerned with threats to global peace and security by allowing countries to write and enforce legislation and engage in activities that could potentially benefit the nation as well as other nations. Due to state sovereignty nation states are able to implement and create legislation in their own nation that governs how the state functions including its citizens. This is largely effective as government can implement laws that seek to increase the resolution of world order issues by working co-operatively with other nations to resolve issues on a global scale. In addition, legislation helps govern how society act according to the law seeking to reduce potential world order issues such as terrorism. Here terrorism laws aim to deter individuals seeking to engage in terrorist activities as this not only would largely impact on the peace and security in the domestic economy but also on nearby nations and the world causing political unrest and instability. State sovereignty also allows nations to engage in activities according to their best interests and for the long term goal of resolution of world order issues, Including Australia confirming airstrikes in Syria in 2015 to deter the government from harming citizens and disrespecting their human rights. Further to this Australia has allowed an extra 12,000 Syrian refugees affected by the conflict in order to promote political stability and peace between Syria and nations involved.
In addition to the ability of states to engage in activities and implement legislation, state sovereignty can also assist the resolution of world order issues by allowing states to join international agreements at their will. In turn, this means nations can enter international agreements which aim to resolve world order issues and promote co-operation between states. By ensuring co-operation and collaboration, there will be greater successes of global peace and security as there is greater global political stability. As nations can enter these agreements this applies moral pressure to other states to join-in order to join other nations in resolving these issues through peaceful settlements. For example, China is party to the UN Convention on the Law of the Sea which includes important clauses regarding EEZ and rights to territorial waters. This looks to resolve world order issues regarding conflicts over territorial waters including the current issues surround the South China Sea and ensure nations adhere to the regulations specified in the convention to promote global stability and look to resolve these issues.


However, despite the exponential effectiveness of state sovereignty in assisting the resolution of these issues, nations have the ability to not accept external intervention. This creates several issues for the solving of world order issues as no progress can be made without nation states accepting external intervention when needed and required. The UN charter only allows for nations to use force when acting in self-defense or when the other nation commits mass atrocity crimes. Hence there are many world order issues currently occurring such as the Syrian Civil War- where more than 250K citizens have been killed and 11M forced from their homes. This civil war escalated from political protests to a full scare civil war. Syria has not accepted any external assistance in the matter but rather the President attempts to attack those citizens who oppose his rule. This is a serious impediment for the resolution of this regional world order issues as it poses a threat to global peace and over time this may escalate into other nations and cause political instability in neighboring countries. Thus something must be done in order to resolve the civil war as it has been a major world order issue that not only affects Syria but the rest of the world.
Furthermore, state sovereignty allows nations to use it as a shield. This results in many states abusing the rights of their citizens as seen in Syria and engaging in gross activities that threaten the safety of all citizens. North Korea has used state sovereignty as a shield by withdrawing from the Nuclear Non Proliferation Treaty 1968 in 2003 and then in 2006 detonating a nuclear bomb. The nuclear threat is a significant and contemporary world order issue and North Korea is not attempting to assist in the resolution of the threat but rather engages in activities that are causing global insecurities and threats to peace. This detonation was followed by a second underground nuclear test in 2009 that was condemned by the UNSC. However, state sovereignty overrules the ability of the Security Council to take legal action and apply military force but rather only has the ability to issue sanctions.
This response has effectively discussed the extent to which state sovereignty has allowed nations to co-operate and resolve world order issues most effectively before they escalate. This was examined through looking at the Syrian civil war and the UNC LOTS. On the contrary state sovereignty widely impedes on the resolution of world order issues as it acts as a shield and allows state to not accept external intervention.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 27, 2016, 09:50:56 am
Quote from: green-jake on September 27, 2016, 07:23:49 am
Hi. Would you please be able to mark and give me some feedback on this World Order essay :)

Discuss How State Sovereignty Can Assist or Impede the Resolution of World Order Issues.

Hey Jake! Welcome to the forums ;D

Thanks for posting your essay, but you need 15 posts on ATAR Notes to get an essay marked. This is just to ensure the service remains attainable for the markers; otherwise we'd be giving one line feedback, which doesn't help anyone ;)

So hang around the site for a bit! Let me know when you hit 15 and I'll be happy to give you some feedback! ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 07, 2016, 10:53:39 pm
Hi everyone! So exams are right around the corner, and unsurprisingly, there are a HEAP of people wanting feedback on essays. Given that demand is really high, it is only natural that we will need to increase the post requirement for the coming days, to make sure that our feedback remains of the highest possible quality. Thus, for all essays posted between now (this post) and this time next week, you will need 30 posts for every essay you would like marked. Note that this does not apply to essays before this point, meaning no one is in post debt. It just means that essays 'cost more' for the next week. We appreciate your understanding :)


Note: We will be very harsh on our posting rules over the coming days. Posting in old threads, multi-posting, shit-posting and spamming (etc) to access essay marking won't work. Immediate 48 hour posting bans will be applied in all circumstances :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Lauradf36 on October 28, 2016, 03:21:25 pm
Hey guys, would you mind having a look at this ~pretty rough~ young offenders essay? (needs to be cut down but oh well)

Thank you HSC super heroes ;)

Spoiler
Evaluate the extent to which the criminal justice system is effective in its treatment of young offenders.

The criminal justice system is effective in its treatment of young offenders to some extent through minimum age of criminal responsibility and provision of rights for children. Improvements have been made to recognise the need to prevent youth from entering the system. This is evident through the Young Offenders Act 1997 (NSW) and the Children (Criminal Proceedings Act) 1987 (NSW). However, reform is still necessary in the penalties and punishments used to ensure young offenders are prevented from a life of crime and incarceration.

The criminal justice system is extensively effective for young offenders through the minimum age of criminal responsibility. In earlier centuries, children where treated similarly to adults and often received harsh penalties. However, the 20th and 21st centuries have seen an evolving awareness of the need to protect children from exploitation and the consequences of uninformed decisions. The global minimum age of criminal responsibility was consequently established under the UN Convention of the Rights of the Child (1989). It determined the principle of “doli incapax”, or the idea that the child is incapable of knowing right from wrong, and thus possessing the mens rea required for a criminal act. Under the age of 10, the principle has a conclusive presumption of innocence. Between 10-13, offenders have a rebuttable presumption of innocence, where the prosecution must demonstrate that the child knew their act was seriously wrong or could cause grievous harm. However few convictions are made, with increasing recognition of the contribution lack of life experiences and low socio-economic backgrounds to child offenders. This Convention has since been ratified by Australian law and the principle established in NSW under the Children (Criminal Proceedings Act) 1987 (NSW). Hence, the system is largely effective as it achieves justice for young offenders.

Australian law is additionally effective for young offenders by providing rights for children when questioned or arrested. The powers of police in the criminal investigation process are established under the Young Offenders Act 1997 (NSW). The act effectively changed the emphasis from punitive action to assisting offenders in understanding the consequences of crime. Law enforcers may approach young offenders and ask questions, as well as providing on the spot fines. Children have a right to hearing a caution as soon as they are detained, to have a legal practitioner present, and to silence.The needs of young offenders are recognised through their right to have a responsible adult present, and to only be detained for 2 hours unless they are formally charged. Strip searches are also prohibited for children under the age of 10. Additionally, the Crimes (Forensic Procedures) Act 2002 (NSW) determined that the police must apply to the children’s court to obtain the fingerprints of offenders under 14, or the DNA of those 18. Nonetheless, the Australian Law Reform Commission has suggested the minimum age for strip searches be increased, and that welfare services may be an effective alternative to detention. The law is thus effective in recognising the rights of offenders, but reforms are still needed.

Reforms are additionally necessary in the penalties employed for young offenders in the criminal justice system. The sentencing and punishment principles for children are outlined in the Children (Criminal Proceedings Act) 1987 (NSW) state that criminal proceedings should only be used as a last resort, and that offenders should have every opportunity to be involved in determining their penalty. The act also emphasises that sentences should keep offenders in their communities, education, and employment if possible, and the purpose of penalties should be on rehabilitation rather than incapacitation. For this reason, many sentences for youth will include fines, probation orders, community service orders, or suspended services. Community service orders of no more than 500 hours are particularly known to encourage rehabilitation and positive participation in the community. This provides justice for young offenders to some extent by ensuring the focus is on preventing a life of crime and incarceration. However, the act has not been consistently successful in achieving just outcomes for young offenders. In the case of Tapueluelu v. R (2006), the provisions of the act were ignored as the offender’s past convictions were wrongfully taken into account during sentencing to provide a heavier penalty. Furthermore, there is a strong overrepresentation of Aboriginal and Torres-Strait Islander offenders in the system. This suggests Australian law may be ineffective in achieving justice for youth.

The effectiveness alternatives to court for young offenders is also limited. Punishments of imprisonment have clearly been shown as ineffective, as a 2009 review into the treatment of young offenders displayed. The BOCS subsequently reported that 68% of young persons in detention centres reoffend within 12 months. The criminal justice system has hence provided alternative proceedings based on the reforms made in the Young Offenders Act 1997 (NSW). The act allows the police to divert almost 50% of young offenders from court, instead focusing on diversionary programs such as the Youth Drug and Alcohol Court Program, which aims to prevent further substance abuse. The Youth on Track Program was also introduced in 2013 to target young people at risk of criminal behaviour, instead aiming to facilitate and encourage them to participate in sporting, recreation, cultural and welfare activities in the community. Nonetheless, the effectiveness of these programs has ultimately been limited due to the minimal number of offenders who are admitted. Youth Justice Conferences been the offender and victim have been shown by BOCS to display a 15-20% in recidivism, as the perpetrator is encouraged to take responsibility for their actions, and devise an outcome plan to resolve issues. However, only 5% of offenders have had these programs available for use. This suggests the inability of the criminal justice system to effectively achieve compliance for youth.

It is therefore evident that the criminal justice system is effective in its treatment of young offenders to some extent through minimum age of criminal responsibility and provision of rights for children. However, reform is still necessary in the penalties and punishments used to ensure young offenders are prevented from a life of crime and incarceration. Ultimately, the Australian legal system must continually make reforms for young offenders to ensure justice is achieved for all members of society.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Deng on October 28, 2016, 03:29:36 pm
Just my draft essay plans for Family that i was wondering if someone could look over

Pretty messy, but hopefully its readable
|
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: angiezhang9 on October 29, 2016, 09:36:50 am
Hey, just wondering if we still need 30 posts for our essay to be marked or is it now 15? Thanks :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: anotherworld2b on October 29, 2016, 09:43:05 am
Is there a particular way to write a clear Thesis Paragraph which identifies the topics for the body paragraphs?
I am not sure how to write one for an essay explaining the advantages of compulsory voting compared to voluntary voting
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 29, 2016, 01:02:05 pm
Quote from: angiezhang9 on October 29, 2016, 09:36:50 am
Hey, just wondering if we still need 30 posts for our essay to be marked or is it now 15? Thanks :)

It's back to 15 now! :) PS- To the people above, I'll mark your essays tonight (possibly late-ish), so you'll have them by the morning!! ;D

Quote from: anotherworld2b on October 29, 2016, 09:43:05 am
Is there a particular way to write a clear Thesis Paragraph which identifies the topics for the body paragraphs?
I am not sure how to write one for an essay explaining the advantages of compulsory voting compared to voluntary voting

You might want to give this a read!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: angiezhang9 on October 29, 2016, 02:34:18 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on October 29, 2016, 01:02:05 pm
It's back to 15 now! :) PS- To the people above, I'll mark your essays tonight (possibly late-ish), so you'll have them by the morning!! ;D

You might want to give this a read!

Awesome!! I shall get post an essay soon
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 29, 2016, 04:46:52 pm
Quote from: Deng on October 28, 2016, 03:29:36 pm
Just my draft essay plans for Family that i was wondering if someone could look over

Pretty messy, but hopefully its readable
|

Hey Deng! So I spent 5 minutes having a bit of a flick through your plans, they look good! You've definitely got a massive amount of evidence to draw from and that's fantastic. I like that you've organised it by category, it definitely helps to ensure you've got a nice variety! Overall, looks awesome! Give some thought about what sorts of paragraphs you'll make under each issue; doing one on legislation, one on common law (etc) may not be the best option every time :)

You don't look you've prepped for domestic violence either! I know it got asked last year, but you never know, be sure to at least think about it a little before the exam! :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 29, 2016, 05:03:31 pm
Quote from: Lauradf36 on October 28, 2016, 03:21:25 pm
Hey guys, would you mind having a look at this ~pretty rough~ young offenders essay? (needs to be cut down but oh well)

Thank you HSC super heroes ;)

Hey Laura! Thanks for posting, feedback is below, comments throughout yada yada, you know the drill ;)


Spoiler
Evaluate the extent to which the criminal justice system is effective in its treatment of young offenders.

The criminal justice system is effective in its treatment of young offenders to some extent through minimum age of criminal responsibility and provision of rights for children. I'd like to see you warm up to this a bit more. What defines "effective treatment" for you? Would you link it to balancing of rights? Justice? Accessibility of the law? A combination of the above? Give me some justification and a framework for your discussion! Improvements have been made to recognise the need to prevent youth from entering the system. This is evident through the Young Offenders Act 1997 (NSW) and the Children (Criminal Proceedings Act) 1987 (NSW). However, reform is still necessary in the penalties and punishments used to ensure young offenders are prevented from a life of crime and incarceration. In what areas specifically do you think? Overall, a good introduction! Makes your position clear, but I'd like to see you spend just a tad longer giving some context and a framework for how you'll judge the reforms.

The criminal justice system is extensively effective for young offenders through the minimum age of criminal responsibility. In earlier centuries, children where treated similarly to adults and often received harsh penalties. However, the 20th and 21st centuries have seen an evolving awareness of the need to protect children from exploitation and the consequences of uninformed decisions. The global minimum age of criminal responsibility was consequently established under the UN Convention of the Rights of the Child (1989). Excellent. It determined the principle of “doli incapax”, or the idea that the child is incapable of knowing right from wrong, and thus possessing the mens rea required for a criminal act. Be sure to be making specific links to effectiveness as you go. Under the age of 10, the principle has a conclusive presumption of innocence. Between 10-13, offenders have a rebuttable presumption of innocence, where the prosecution must demonstrate that the child knew their act was seriously wrong or could cause grievous harm. Don't spend too long on this; the marker knows it already! However few convictions are made, with increasing recognition of the contribution lack of life experiences and low socio-economic backgrounds to child offenders. This Convention has since been ratified by Australian law and the principle established in NSW under the Children (Criminal Proceedings Act) 1987 (NSW). Hence, the system is largely effective as it achieves justice for young offenders. Some great points made! Though some info was irrelevant; remember to focus on evaluation! I'd have loved to have seen a case thrown in here as well.

Australian law is additionally effective for young offenders by providing rights for children when questioned or arrested. The powers of police in the criminal investigation process are established under the Young Offenders Act 1997 (NSW). Excellent. The act effectively changed the emphasis from punitive action to assisting offenders in understanding the consequences of crime. Law enforcers may approach young offenders and ask questions, as well as providing on the spot fines. Children have a right to hearing a caution as soon as they are detained, to have a legal practitioner present, and to silence. How do these rights demonstrate effectiveness? Do they protect the rights of the child under CROC? The needs of young offenders are recognised through their right to have a responsible adult present, and to only be detained for 2 hours unless they are formally charged. Strip searches are also prohibited for children under the age of 10. Be careful not to content vomit. Again, the marker knows about this already; don't just give facts, EVALUATE! Additionally, the Crimes (Forensic Procedures) Act 2002 (NSW) determined that the police must apply to the children’s court to obtain the fingerprints of offenders under 14, or the DNA of those 18. Nonetheless, the Australian Law Reform Commission has suggested the minimum age for strip searches be increased, and that welfare services may be an effective alternative to detention. Excellent inclusion of a report here; does it signify a place where further reform is needed? Be specific immediately. The law is thus effective in recognising the rights of offenders, but reforms are still needed.

Reforms are additionally necessary in the penalties employed for young offenders in the criminal justice system. I like that you are now doing a negative side, cool! The sentencing and punishment principles for children are outlined in the Children (Criminal Proceedings Act) 1987 (NSW) state that criminal proceedings should only be used as a last resort, and that offenders should have every opportunity to be involved in determining their penalty. The act also emphasises that sentences should keep offenders in their communities, education, and employment if possible, and the purpose of penalties should be on rehabilitation rather than incapacitation. For this reason, many sentences for youth will include fines, probation orders, community service orders, or suspended services. Again, watch the content vomiting. Community service orders of no more than 500 hours are particularly known to encourage rehabilitation and positive participation in the community. Any statistics that prove this? This provides justice for young offenders to some extent by ensuring the focus is on preventing a life of crime and incarceration. However, the act has not been consistently successful in achieving just outcomes for young offenders. In the case of Tapueluelu v. R (2006), the provisions of the act were ignored as the offender’s past convictions were wrongfully taken into account during sentencing to provide a heavier penalty. It took a tad too long to get into a negative here, given the introduction you gave! Furthermore, there is a strong overrepresentation of Aboriginal and Torres-Strait Islander offenders in the system. Specific stats? This suggests Australian law may be ineffective in achieving justice for youth. The 'negative'/'needs improvement' aspect of this paragraph wasn't quite as strong as I would have expected given your introduction; it seems more like a middle of the road style paragraph!

The effectiveness alternatives to court for young offenders is also limited. Punishments of imprisonment have clearly been shown as ineffective, as a 2009 review into the treatment of young offenders displayed. The BOCS subsequently reported that 68% of young persons in detention centres reoffend within 12 months. Excellent stat. The criminal justice system has hence provided alternative proceedings based on the reforms made in the Young Offenders Act 1997 (NSW). The act allows the police to divert almost 50% of young offenders from court, instead focusing on diversionary programs such as the Youth Drug and Alcohol Court Program, which aims to prevent further substance abuse. The Youth on Track Program was also introduced in 2013 to target young people at risk of criminal behaviour, instead aiming to facilitate and encourage them to participate in sporting, recreation, cultural and welfare activities in the community. Excellent! again though, be sure to link specifically to effectiveness/ineffectiveness. Nonetheless, the effectiveness of these programs has ultimately been limited due to the minimal number of offenders who are admitted. Youth Justice Conferences been the offender and victim have been shown by BOCS to display a 15-20% in recidivism, as the perpetrator is encouraged to take responsibility for their actions, and devise an outcome plan to resolve issues. However, only 5% of offenders have had these programs available for use. This suggests the inability of the criminal justice system to effectively achieve compliance for youth. Nice strong finish there! Excellent evaluative style.

It is therefore evident that the criminal justice system is effective in its treatment of young offenders to some extent through minimum age of criminal responsibility and provision of rights for children. However, reform is still necessary in the penalties and punishments used to ensure young offenders are prevented from a life of crime and incarceration. Ultimately, the Australian legal system must continually make reforms for young offenders to ensure justice is achieved for all members of society. Nice conclusion! Simple, but it works well, nicely done!

This is a great essay Laura! Some great evaluation and great evidence included, you respond to a very tough question very efficiently, excellent work! A few things I'd suggest:

- Watch for content vomiting; Remember that your marker is an expert! They don't need to be told much about the laws and reforms, only what you deem necessary for your analysis. At times you spent too long on just facts, not analysis.
- Be sure to make frequent links to effectiveness or ineffectiveness. Imply nothing; always make your judgements strong!
- In that third paragraph, be sure to match your introduction to what you say. You go negative but then discuss positives, and further don't overly focus on what you say you will. Be careful!
- There are a few places where I'd like a TINY BIT more evidence; more cases, a statistic/report, and definitely some media articles. Use our Notes section for some last minute resources (the from the lecture I delivered earlier this month might have some cool nuggets you can use!)!

Overall, smashed it Laura! Definitely high range response, some cut and polish is all it needs :) great work!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: angiezhang9 on October 29, 2016, 05:37:06 pm
Hey guys,

Would you be able to have a look at my young offenders essay and provide some feedback? I have included some comments/questions in the document. It is currently a bit long. Do you suggest removing some of the LCM or shortening my analysis?

Thanks heaps :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Nicki on October 29, 2016, 06:14:39 pm
Hi!

was just wondering if i could get a paragraph for a family essay looked at? if i need to make more posts or anything like that please let me know
thanks in advance :) :)

evaluate the effectiveness of the law in achieving justice for parties involved in relationship breakdowns

the legal system in regards to dealing with relationship breakdowns demonstrates varying levels of justice being achieved depending on the party one belongs to, thus, showing somewhat effectiveness by the law. the law aims to strongly replicate the risen societal value enshrined in the UN convention of the rights of the child 1989 that places necessity on ensuring the ''best interests of the child'' is paramount through enforcing the family law act 1975 (cth). this includes enduring the childs best interests are met in significant situations such as when amidst the divorce and separation of married or de-facto couples. a momentous reform by the family law system was the family law amendment (shared parental responsibility) act 2006 (cth) that established the notion that both parents have shared responsibility for the child regardless of where the parents or childs lives unless maintaining a meaningful relationship with either parent positions the child to be at risk of harm. this reflects the societal values that children should be able to interact with parents regularly and also recognises a parents moral right to spend adequate and quality time with their children. this specifically recognising the lack of time a majority of fathers get to be with their children after separation or divorce as indicated in the australian institute of family studies report where ''only 20% of children spent an adequate amount of time with their father’'. the meaningful and fulfilling relationship one can form with their father is thus lost which is for a majority of children not in their best interests. however, a lack of clarity and emphasis of the 2006 reforms in protecting children and their safety demonstrates how effectiveness of the law in achieving justice for all parties is only to a limited extent as the law encourages a ‘closely connected’ family however unintentionally exposes children and the other parent to the significant concern of family and domestic violence. the 2006 reforms created an implication that both parents had the right to equal  50/50 time with their children, displayed as being able to create a harmful environment in the Sydney Morning Herald article ‘’parents with safety concerns are just as likely to have shared care as parents risk free, showing our system’s failure to distinguish between families for who shared care is appropriate and whom it isn’t’’ (2010). this is indicative of family law reform not protecting the rights to freedom from violence that can occur within abusive relationships which can affect all parties within the family relationship. thus, justice is only achieved in certain situations where there are less concerns over parents who have a violent history as the law lacks responsiveness to protecting the needs and interests of children as well as ex-partners as there is a 64% chance of women experiencing violence (oscar, 2007). parties involved in relationship breakdowns experience minimal justice due to lacking effectiveness of legal responses.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 31, 2016, 11:36:02 pm
Quote from: Nicki on October 29, 2016, 06:14:39 pm
Hi!
was just wondering if i could get a paragraph for a family essay looked at? if i need to make more posts or anything like that please let me know
thanks in advance :) :)

Hey Nicki! No worries at all, your paragraph is below with comments throughout!

Spoiler
Evaluate the effectiveness of the law in achieving justice for parties involved in relationship breakdowns

The legal system in regards to dealing with relationship breakdowns demonstrates varying levels of justice being achieved depending on the party one belongs to, thus, showing somewhat effectiveness by the law. Watch expression in the topic sentence especially; make sure you are as clear as possible. Who specifically do you think suffers in this area; victims? The offender? Make this clear immediate.  The law aims to strongly replicate the risen societal value enshrined in the UN convention of the rights of the child 1989 that places necessity on ensuring the ''best interests of the child'' is paramount through enforcing the family law act 1975 (cth). Link this idea to what you've just discussed; achieving justice for all parties  in relationship breakdowns. Are the children the ones who may be neglected? this includes enduring the childs best interests are met in significant situations such as when amidst the divorce and separation of married or de-facto couples. a momentous reform by the family law system was the family law amendment (shared parental responsibility) act 2006 (cth) that established the notion that both parents have shared responsibility for the child regardless of where the parents or childs lives unless maintaining a meaningful relationship with either parent positions the child to be at risk of harm. Again, watch expression, ensure that your ideas come across as clear and succinct. this reflects the societal values that children should be able to interact with parents regularly and also recognises a parents moral right to spend adequate and quality time with their children. But how is it effective/ineffective for the rights of children? Make specific evaluations. this specifically recognising the lack of time a majority of fathers get to be with their children after separation or divorce as indicated in the australian institute of family studies report where ''only 20% of children spent an adequate amount of time with their father’'. Awesome statistic! Some really great evidence in this paragraph. the meaningful and fulfilling relationship one can form with their father is thus lost which is for a majority of children not in their best interests. however, a lack of clarity and emphasis of the 2006 reforms in protecting children and their safety demonstrates how effectiveness of the law in achieving justice for all parties is only to a limited extent as the law encourages a ‘closely connected’ family however unintentionally exposes children and the other parent to the significant concern of family and domestic violence. Very, very good point. Excellent transition. the 2006 reforms created an implication that both parents had the right to equal  50/50 time with their children, displayed as being able to create a harmful environment in the Sydney Morning Herald article ‘’parents with safety concerns are just as likely to have shared care as parents risk free, showing our system’s failure to distinguish between families for who shared care is appropriate and whom it isn’t’’ (2010). Excellent media article inclusion! this is indicative of family law reform not protecting the rights to freedom from violence that can occur within abusive relationships which can affect all parties within the family relationship. thus, justice is only achieved in certain situations where there are less concerns over parents who have a violent history as the law lacks responsiveness to protecting the needs and interests of children as well as ex-partners as there is a 64% chance of women experiencing violence (oscar, 2007). parties involved in relationship breakdowns experience minimal justice due to lacking effectiveness of legal responses.

You've got some really great arguments in here Nicki; and excellent inclusion of evidence! You've got a nice set of laws, reports and media articles that you are using to back up your argument!

My comments throughout should cover my recommendations; mostly on clarity. Remember basic syntax and grammar; it ensures your arguments are as clear as possible. At times the sentences flowed too long and this subtracts from the effectiveness of your writing. Not a huge deal, but something to consider. Ensure that you are consistently evaluating, consistently linking back to your main idea, because your evaluations are really effective but at times seem just a tad off the point. Just some simple phrasing additions, "thus demonstrating a failure of justice for children", that sort of thing, will be enough :)

At it's core, this is a great paragraph! Great work Nicki :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: cjrig on November 01, 2016, 12:03:07 am
Hi, would I be able to get some feedback on my crime essay please? It would be greatly appreciated  ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 01, 2016, 12:27:01 am
Quote from: angiezhang9 on October 29, 2016, 05:37:06 pm
Hey guys,

Would you be able to have a look at my young offenders essay and provide some feedback? I have included some comments/questions in the document. It is currently a bit long. Do you suggest removing some of the LCM or shortening my analysis?

Thanks heaps :)

Hey Angie! Sure thing, check the spoiler below:

Essay
Assess the effectiveness of achieving justice for young offenders

The legal system effectively reflects societal values through its recognition of the reduced criminal culpability of young offenders. It upholds the international standard of “Conventions on the Rights of the Child 1989” through the age of criminal responsibility, the rights of children when questioned or arrested, the reduced penalties provided to children as well as the focus on rehabilitation through alternative methods to court. However, the effectiveness of the legal system in achieving justice for young offenders is limited by the introduction of the Terrorism (Police Powers) Act 2016 and the exposure and inhumane treatment of children in detention centres. This introduction feels a little bare bones; just a tad too short. Try giving some justification; why is it vital to treat young offenders fairly? What is the ultimate conclusion you will reach (do the positives outweigh the negatives, or do they remain even?). A clear judgement at the end of your Thesis is vital.

The law effectively achieves justice for young offenders by recognising their diminished criminal responsibility. Nice succinct, introductory sentence. Section 5 of the Children (Criminal Proceedings) Act NSW 1987 entrenches the notion of Doli Incapax which is a conclusive presumption that children under the age of ten are unable to form the requisite mens rea to commit a crime and therefore cannot be held legally responsible for an offence. This legal concept becomes a rebuttable presumption for children aged 10-13 where the prosecution has to prove beyond reasonable doubt that the child could distinguish between right and wrong and understood the consequences of their action. Be careful to avoid 'content vomit,' the marker already knows what this legal principle entails! Focus all your words on analysis. This doctrine prevents the unjust conviction of a “naughty” child, consistent to principles of CROC to which Australia ratified in December 1990.  A bit of a less important paragraph, it's all info the marker knows already! Try ditching this and getting straight into your analytical sections.

The effectiveness of Doli Incapax is evident in R v LMW 1999 NSW where a ten-year-old was acquitted of murdering 6 year old Corey Davis due to his impaired intellectual capacity and inability to comprehend the implications of his behaviour. Whilst this protects the child from being exposed to the detrimental criminal system, many people argue that justice was not served to the victims of the offence as suggested in “Doli Incapax: Why children deserve its protection 2003 – Thomas Crofts Professor at Murdoch University School of Law.” Therefore, the law places greater emphasis on the rights and rehabilitation of the child over the values of society. Excellent breakdown of a case; succinct but excellent analysis. I think it would work better blended with the introductory sentence of above! On "many people argue," perhaps say "critics argue" instead?

The legal system effectively protects young offenders through increased rights when questioned or arrested. Swap increased for "additional" perhaps? Under Law Enforcement (Powers and Responsibilities) Act NSW 2002 and Children (Criminal Proceedings) Act 1987 (NSW), children are granted special rights such as having the support of a responsible adult during interrogation and the access to legal aid for all young offenders. This effectively recognises the vulnerability of children, ensuring that a fair trial is achieved. Your analytical style is incredible. HERE is the legislation, HERES what it does, HERES why it is effective. So efficient, excellent stuff. However, the introduction of the Terrorism (Police Powers) Act 2016 allows for children as young as 14 to be detained for over fourteen days without charge as a response to Farhad Jabar’s murder of Curtis Cheng in 2015. Whilst this provides greater protection and safety to society, it violates Australia’s commitment to CROC and ineffectively treats young offenders like adults. Thus, the increased protection for young offenders is hindered through the introduction of the terrorism act. See the inconsistency between your intro and conclusion? Make sure you stay on track! If you say effectiveness, don't bring in ineffectiveness.

The criminal justice system is effective in providing just penalties to young offenders, focussing on rehabilitation and avoiding imprisonment as outlined in R v GDP 1991. According to the report A picture of NSW Children 2011, detention was the penalty for 1% of cases highlighting the success of the courts in minimising children’s exposure to criminality through incarceration. Nice, more abstract piece of evidence! However, the difficulty with providing a just sentence that also reflects the community’s values is elucidated in “Balancing punishment and Rehabilitation” (SMH 2013) which highlights the need “to maximise the young offender’s prospects of rehabilitation” as well as ensure “denunciation, community protection and specific deterrence”. Ensure all paragraphs are properly concluded.

This emphasis on rehabilitation is not applied universally, demonstrating the law’s attempt to achieve the best result for individual circumstances. In R v Milat 2014, the 17 year old was sentenced to 43 years jail for murdering his friend. This “grave adult behaviour” shifted the focus of his punishment from rehabilitation to retribution and incapacitation, indicating that the law is still effective in providing just outcomes and protecting society. Conversely, many argue that imposing a severe penalty on young offenders is a gross violation of the legal system’s role in protecting children as suggested in the article “Locked up for life. Bronson Blessington was just 14 when he committed one of Australia’s most shocking crimes. But is it right to put a child behind bars indefinitely?” (SMH 2016).  I like the shade of grey you are applying here; it works because your introduction allows it to work! This depicts the narrow margin between the best interests of the child and the safety of the community. What do you mean by 'narrow margin? Like a delicate balance perhaps? Analysis is good just a little unclear! Thus, whilst the legal system has effectively encouraged rehabilitation in the sentencing of most cases dealing with young offenders, it diminishes this right on serious offenders in order to protect society. Some excellent arguments are being made in this essay; sorry for the lack of comments, but I don't have much to say!

The utilisation of bail attempts to minimise the accused’s exposure to criminal activity. Specifically for children? Just a tad vague. This is evident in the article “Boy 12, charged with rape of a girl, 6” (SMH Sep 2016) where the boy was granted bail and was permitted to go on holidays with his family. This upholds the presumption of “innocence until proven guilty” and reduces the detrimental impact of the trial on the boy though many may argue that justice is not achieved for the victim. Contrastingly, two 16 year old boys were denied bail as revealed in the article “Terrorism accused drew comparisons to Curtis Cheng murder” (ABC Oct 2016) where the threat to society overrides the best interests of the child. The 2007 amendment to the Bail Act 1978 (NSW) resulted in a 32% rise in juveniles on remand where only 16% of those on remand were given a custodial sentence, revealing the ineffectiveness of the legal system in protecting young offenders from exposure to the criminal justice system. Might be worth attributing that statistic to BOCSAR (or wherever it came from). Therefore, the issue of bail varies in effectiveness in achieving justice for different circumstances.

The welfare model’s focus on rehabilitation is reiterated through alternative methods to court. And how does this relate to justice for young offenders? The Young Offenders Act 1997 (NSW) aims to encourage reintegration, reduce recidivism and protect young offenders through the establishment of Youth Justice Conferences which reduced court hearings by nearly half according to BOCSAR. This effective non-custodial method of allowing the offender to confront the consequences of their actions has been criticised however. Don Weatherburn from BOCSAR claimed that the “conference regime is currently no more effective than the children’s court in reducing juvenile reoffending as 58% offend in the five years after a youth justice conference (BOCSAR 2006). Thus, the effectiveness of the legal system’s attempt to avoid court proceedings is inhibited by the practicality of the conferences. This seems a little backwards; you are saying that the courts are ineffective because the conferences are effective? Not quite clicking for me right now.

The failure of the legal system in protecting young offenders is revealed in the Four Corners Report “Australia’s Shame” (2016). Reinforced by the article “youth justice system is a slippery slope of failure” (SMH 2016), the inhumane treatment of juvenile prisoners is exposed, breaching Australia’s obligation under CROC. Furthermore, with 70% of children reoffending (A picture of NSW children 2011), the inadequacy of the current criminal justice system in rehabilitating and reducing recidivism among young offenders is illuminated. Evidently, justice is not achieved for young offenders.

The legal system attempts to protect the vulnerability and reduced liability of young offenders through the notion of the age of criminal responsibility, the increased rights of children and the focus on rehabilitative penalties. However, this effectiveness is impeded by the need to protect the wider community, the toxic culture in treating offenders as well as the unsuccessful attempt at reducing recidivism. Excellent, succinct summary of both sides. Ultimately, the use of social preventative measures alongside intensive long term, well supported rehabilitation programs is essential in achieving just outcomes for young offenders and increase their future prospects as contributors to the community.  What's your final judgement? You need to make an evaluative call as to overall effectiveness/ineffectiveness (it can be a shade of grey).

This is a fabulous essay Angie! Super strong analytical style that frequently links effectively back to the main argument. Lots of evidence, and the way you present it is extremely effective. Very succinct, very powerful, very well done!

That said, you've got a huge amount of words here. A crime essay of 1200 is a push!!

I think a play on structure could be a good choice. Instead of a lot of small chunks, try blending! One paragraph on courts/sentencing/YJC's maybe? Then another on legislation? You decide what works for you, but grouping everything together would eliminate the need for so many introductory and concluding sentences. You'd easily cut hundreds of words, and it would make your analysis seem less stop-start! This isn't a huge deal, so if you can pump out this many words in the time limit, then go for it!

My biggest recommendation on the essay itself would be making judgements very explicit. Intros and conclusions need a final statement of assessment; good? Bad? Ugly? Meh? Make your judgement clear! Ensure your judgements are also clear throughout the response too; though you are doing a great job of this already. Just the intro/conclusion stood out to me as needing that big evaluative push.

Oh, and watch for content vomit! That first paragraph didn't offer any analysis; you could probably ditch it ;)

Great work Angie! I'd feel super confident for Legal on Wednesday, this essay is awesome! ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 01, 2016, 12:27:55 am
Quote from: cjrig on November 01, 2016, 12:03:07 am
Hi, would I be able to get some feedback on my crime essay please? It would be greatly appreciated  ;D

I'll jump on this tomorrow! ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: angiezhang9 on November 01, 2016, 08:01:10 am
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on November 01, 2016, 12:27:01 am
Hey Angie! Sure thing, check the spoiler below:

Essay
Assess the effectiveness of achieving justice for young offenders

The legal system effectively reflects societal values through its recognition of the reduced criminal culpability of young offenders. It upholds the international standard of “Conventions on the Rights of the Child 1989” through the age of criminal responsibility, the rights of children when questioned or arrested, the reduced penalties provided to children as well as the focus on rehabilitation through alternative methods to court. However, the effectiveness of the legal system in achieving justice for young offenders is limited by the introduction of the Terrorism (Police Powers) Act 2016 and the exposure and inhumane treatment of children in detention centres. This introduction feels a little bare bones; just a tad too short. Try giving some justification; why is it vital to treat young offenders fairly? What is the ultimate conclusion you will reach (do the positives outweigh the negatives, or do they remain even?). A clear judgement at the end of your Thesis is vital.

The law effectively achieves justice for young offenders by recognising their diminished criminal responsibility. Nice succinct, introductory sentence. Section 5 of the Children (Criminal Proceedings) Act NSW 1987 entrenches the notion of Doli Incapax which is a conclusive presumption that children under the age of ten are unable to form the requisite mens rea to commit a crime and therefore cannot be held legally responsible for an offence. This legal concept becomes a rebuttable presumption for children aged 10-13 where the prosecution has to prove beyond reasonable doubt that the child could distinguish between right and wrong and understood the consequences of their action. Be careful to avoid 'content vomit,' the marker already knows what this legal principle entails! Focus all your words on analysis. This doctrine prevents the unjust conviction of a “naughty” child, consistent to principles of CROC to which Australia ratified in December 1990.  A bit of a less important paragraph, it's all info the marker knows already! Try ditching this and getting straight into your analytical sections.

The effectiveness of Doli Incapax is evident in R v LMW 1999 NSW where a ten-year-old was acquitted of murdering 6 year old Corey Davis due to his impaired intellectual capacity and inability to comprehend the implications of his behaviour. Whilst this protects the child from being exposed to the detrimental criminal system, many people argue that justice was not served to the victims of the offence as suggested in “Doli Incapax: Why children deserve its protection 2003 – Thomas Crofts Professor at Murdoch University School of Law.” Therefore, the law places greater emphasis on the rights and rehabilitation of the child over the values of society. Excellent breakdown of a case; succinct but excellent analysis. I think it would work better blended with the introductory sentence of above! On "many people argue," perhaps say "critics argue" instead?

The legal system effectively protects young offenders through increased rights when questioned or arrested. Swap increased for "additional" perhaps? Under Law Enforcement (Powers and Responsibilities) Act NSW 2002 and Children (Criminal Proceedings) Act 1987 (NSW), children are granted special rights such as having the support of a responsible adult during interrogation and the access to legal aid for all young offenders. This effectively recognises the vulnerability of children, ensuring that a fair trial is achieved. Your analytical style is incredible. HERE is the legislation, HERES what it does, HERES why it is effective. So efficient, excellent stuff. However, the introduction of the Terrorism (Police Powers) Act 2016 allows for children as young as 14 to be detained for over fourteen days without charge as a response to Farhad Jabar’s murder of Curtis Cheng in 2015. Whilst this provides greater protection and safety to society, it violates Australia’s commitment to CROC and ineffectively treats young offenders like adults. Thus, the increased protection for young offenders is hindered through the introduction of the terrorism act. See the inconsistency between your intro and conclusion? Make sure you stay on track! If you say effectiveness, don't bring in ineffectiveness.

The criminal justice system is effective in providing just penalties to young offenders, focussing on rehabilitation and avoiding imprisonment as outlined in R v GDP 1991. According to the report A picture of NSW Children 2011, detention was the penalty for 1% of cases highlighting the success of the courts in minimising children’s exposure to criminality through incarceration. Nice, more abstract piece of evidence! However, the difficulty with providing a just sentence that also reflects the community’s values is elucidated in “Balancing punishment and Rehabilitation” (SMH 2013) which highlights the need “to maximise the young offender’s prospects of rehabilitation” as well as ensure “denunciation, community protection and specific deterrence”. Ensure all paragraphs are properly concluded.

This emphasis on rehabilitation is not applied universally, demonstrating the law’s attempt to achieve the best result for individual circumstances. In R v Milat 2014, the 17 year old was sentenced to 43 years jail for murdering his friend. This “grave adult behaviour” shifted the focus of his punishment from rehabilitation to retribution and incapacitation, indicating that the law is still effective in providing just outcomes and protecting society. Conversely, many argue that imposing a severe penalty on young offenders is a gross violation of the legal system’s role in protecting children as suggested in the article “Locked up for life. Bronson Blessington was just 14 when he committed one of Australia’s most shocking crimes. But is it right to put a child behind bars indefinitely?” (SMH 2016).  I like the shade of grey you are applying here; it works because your introduction allows it to work! This depicts the narrow margin between the best interests of the child and the safety of the community. What do you mean by 'narrow margin? Like a delicate balance perhaps? Analysis is good just a little unclear! Thus, whilst the legal system has effectively encouraged rehabilitation in the sentencing of most cases dealing with young offenders, it diminishes this right on serious offenders in order to protect society. Some excellent arguments are being made in this essay; sorry for the lack of comments, but I don't have much to say!

The utilisation of bail attempts to minimise the accused’s exposure to criminal activity. Specifically for children? Just a tad vague. This is evident in the article “Boy 12, charged with rape of a girl, 6” (SMH Sep 2016) where the boy was granted bail and was permitted to go on holidays with his family. This upholds the presumption of “innocence until proven guilty” and reduces the detrimental impact of the trial on the boy though many may argue that justice is not achieved for the victim. Contrastingly, two 16 year old boys were denied bail as revealed in the article “Terrorism accused drew comparisons to Curtis Cheng murder” (ABC Oct 2016) where the threat to society overrides the best interests of the child. The 2007 amendment to the Bail Act 1978 (NSW) resulted in a 32% rise in juveniles on remand where only 16% of those on remand were given a custodial sentence, revealing the ineffectiveness of the legal system in protecting young offenders from exposure to the criminal justice system. Might be worth attributing that statistic to BOCSAR (or wherever it came from). Therefore, the issue of bail varies in effectiveness in achieving justice for different circumstances.

The welfare model’s focus on rehabilitation is reiterated through alternative methods to court. And how does this relate to justice for young offenders? The Young Offenders Act 1997 (NSW) aims to encourage reintegration, reduce recidivism and protect young offenders through the establishment of Youth Justice Conferences which reduced court hearings by nearly half according to BOCSAR. This effective non-custodial method of allowing the offender to confront the consequences of their actions has been criticised however. Don Weatherburn from BOCSAR claimed that the “conference regime is currently no more effective than the children’s court in reducing juvenile reoffending as 58% offend in the five years after a youth justice conference (BOCSAR 2006). Thus, the effectiveness of the legal system’s attempt to avoid court proceedings is inhibited by the practicality of the conferences. This seems a little backwards; you are saying that the courts are ineffective because the conferences are effective? Not quite clicking for me right now.

The failure of the legal system in protecting young offenders is revealed in the Four Corners Report “Australia’s Shame” (2016). Reinforced by the article “youth justice system is a slippery slope of failure” (SMH 2016), the inhumane treatment of juvenile prisoners is exposed, breaching Australia’s obligation under CROC. Furthermore, with 70% of children reoffending (A picture of NSW children 2011), the inadequacy of the current criminal justice system in rehabilitating and reducing recidivism among young offenders is illuminated. Evidently, justice is not achieved for young offenders.

The legal system attempts to protect the vulnerability and reduced liability of young offenders through the notion of the age of criminal responsibility, the increased rights of children and the focus on rehabilitative penalties. However, this effectiveness is impeded by the need to protect the wider community, the toxic culture in treating offenders as well as the unsuccessful attempt at reducing recidivism. Excellent, succinct summary of both sides. Ultimately, the use of social preventative measures alongside intensive long term, well supported rehabilitation programs is essential in achieving just outcomes for young offenders and increase their future prospects as contributors to the community.  What's your final judgement? You need to make an evaluative call as to overall effectiveness/ineffectiveness (it can be a shade of grey).

This is a fabulous essay Angie! Super strong analytical style that frequently links effectively back to the main argument. Lots of evidence, and the way you present it is extremely effective. Very succinct, very powerful, very well done!

That said, you've got a huge amount of words here. A crime essay of 1200 is a push!!

I think a play on structure could be a good choice. Instead of a lot of small chunks, try blending! One paragraph on courts/sentencing/YJC's maybe? Then another on legislation? You decide what works for you, but grouping everything together would eliminate the need for so many introductory and concluding sentences. You'd easily cut hundreds of words, and it would make your analysis seem less stop-start! This isn't a huge deal, so if you can pump out this many words in the time limit, then go for it!

My biggest recommendation on the essay itself would be making judgements very explicit. Intros and conclusions need a final statement of assessment; good? Bad? Ugly? Meh? Make your judgement clear! Ensure your judgements are also clear throughout the response too; though you are doing a great job of this already. Just the intro/conclusion stood out to me as needing that big evaluative push.

Oh, and watch for content vomit! That first paragraph didn't offer any analysis; you could probably ditch it ;)

Great work Angie! I'd feel super confident for Legal on Wednesday, this essay is awesome! ;D

Thanks so much Jamon!! You have given me a boost of confidence for tomorrow.  8)

With the judgements in the intro/conclusion and the beginning/end of paragraphs, do you suggest having a definite side e.g.. Thus the law has been effective in achieving justice. Or could i simply say eg. Thus the law has been effective to a varying extent. Do you have any other suggestions on how I could phrase the judgement?
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Lauradf36 on November 01, 2016, 09:54:49 am
Quote
- Watch for content vomiting; Remember that your marker is an expert! They don't need to be told much about the laws and reforms, only what you deem necessary for your analysis. At times you spent too long on just facts, not analysis.
- Be sure to make frequent links to effectiveness or ineffectiveness. Imply nothing; always make your judgements strong!
- In that third paragraph, be sure to match your introduction to what you say. You go negative but then discuss positives, and further don't overly focus on what you say you will. Be careful!
- There are a few places where I'd like a TINY BIT more evidence; more cases, a statistic/report, and definitely some media articles. Use our Notes section for some last minute resources (the from the lecture I delivered earlier this month might have some cool nuggets you can use!)!

Overall, smashed it Laura! Definitely high range response, some cut and polish is all it needs :) great work!

Thanks for the feedback Jamie. The thing I find difficult is, how do I make my essays long enough with pure analysis? I have to add the content to beef them up!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 01, 2016, 09:59:17 am
Quote from: angiezhang9 on November 01, 2016, 08:01:10 am
Thanks so much Jamon!! You have given me a boost of confidence for tomorrow.  8)

With the judgements in the intro/conclusion and the beginning/end of paragraphs, do you suggest having a definite side e.g.. Thus the law has been effective in achieving justice. Or could i simply say eg. Thus the law has been effective to a varying extent. Do you have any other suggestions on how I could phrase the judgement?

You can do either of those things! I normally went with the "varying extent" phrasing though, simply because it meant I could discuss both sides!! I almost never said straight effective/ineffective ;D the important thing is that even if you say "to a varying extent," you make clear one sided judgements within that. "___________ demonstrates the effectiveness of blah." "___________, however, shows that further reform is needed." That sort of interplay ;D ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 01, 2016, 10:36:27 am
Quote from: Lauradf36 on November 01, 2016, 09:54:49 am
Thanks for the feedback Jamie. The thing I find difficult is, how do I make my essays long enough with pure analysis? I have to add the content to beef them up!

There is no reason you NEED to beef it up! If you can do the job more quickly then why not right? ;D

That said, if you are comfortable adding a little bit of content you can, just know that it isn't going to do anything for your mark in most circumstances. Try using the space to go into a deeper explanation of your evidence instead; why is this effective? What exactly about it shows a strength? Any weaknesses to the legal system that it reveals? :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Lauradf36 on November 01, 2016, 12:30:30 pm
How would you personally respond to this question - "to what extent have legal and non-legal measures responded to the evolving nature of world order"?

And thanks for your help :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 01, 2016, 12:43:19 pm
Quote from: Lauradf36 on November 01, 2016, 12:30:30 pm
How would you personally respond to this question - "to what extent have legal and non-legal measures responded to the evolving nature of world order"?

And thanks for your help :)

I would probably focus on contemporary issues; since they represent the evolving nature of world order into the modern age. Like, effectiveness in responding to contemporary issues shows how well they adapt to changing nature of world order. That would be my Thesis; World Order is different now than in the 1950's when the frameworks were established, and we have to judge effectiveness on modern scenarios. Or something like that ;)

So probably one paragraph per issue, OR maybe just one paragraph on these things with contemporary issues integrated:

- UN General Assembly
- UNSC
- IGO's
- Domestic Measures

I would also integrate non-legal measures into the response, show how they assist THESE mechanisms with their work ;D then maybe a separate paragraph at the end as well, but I rarely did that for non-legal, I preferred the integrated approach ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Nicki on November 01, 2016, 02:58:53 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on October 31, 2016, 11:36:02 pm
Hey Nicki! No worries at all, your paragraph is below with comments throughout!

Spoiler
Evaluate the effectiveness of the law in achieving justice for parties involved in relationship breakdowns

The legal system in regards to dealing with relationship breakdowns demonstrates varying levels of justice being achieved depending on the party one belongs to, thus, showing somewhat effectiveness by the law. Watch expression in the topic sentence especially; make sure you are as clear as possible. Who specifically do you think suffers in this area; victims? The offender? Make this clear immediate.  The law aims to strongly replicate the risen societal value enshrined in the UN convention of the rights of the child 1989 that places necessity on ensuring the ''best interests of the child'' is paramount through enforcing the family law act 1975 (cth). Link this idea to what you've just discussed; achieving justice for all parties  in relationship breakdowns. Are the children the ones who may be neglected? this includes enduring the childs best interests are met in significant situations such as when amidst the divorce and separation of married or de-facto couples. a momentous reform by the family law system was the family law amendment (shared parental responsibility) act 2006 (cth) that established the notion that both parents have shared responsibility for the child regardless of where the parents or childs lives unless maintaining a meaningful relationship with either parent positions the child to be at risk of harm. Again, watch expression, ensure that your ideas come across as clear and succinct. this reflects the societal values that children should be able to interact with parents regularly and also recognises a parents moral right to spend adequate and quality time with their children. But how is it effective/ineffective for the rights of children? Make specific evaluations. this specifically recognising the lack of time a majority of fathers get to be with their children after separation or divorce as indicated in the australian institute of family studies report where ''only 20% of children spent an adequate amount of time with their father’'. Awesome statistic! Some really great evidence in this paragraph. the meaningful and fulfilling relationship one can form with their father is thus lost which is for a majority of children not in their best interests. however, a lack of clarity and emphasis of the 2006 reforms in protecting children and their safety demonstrates how effectiveness of the law in achieving justice for all parties is only to a limited extent as the law encourages a ‘closely connected’ family however unintentionally exposes children and the other parent to the significant concern of family and domestic violence. Very, very good point. Excellent transition. the 2006 reforms created an implication that both parents had the right to equal  50/50 time with their children, displayed as being able to create a harmful environment in the Sydney Morning Herald article ‘’parents with safety concerns are just as likely to have shared care as parents risk free, showing our system’s failure to distinguish between families for who shared care is appropriate and whom it isn’t’’ (2010). Excellent media article inclusion! this is indicative of family law reform not protecting the rights to freedom from violence that can occur within abusive relationships which can affect all parties within the family relationship. thus, justice is only achieved in certain situations where there are less concerns over parents who have a violent history as the law lacks responsiveness to protecting the needs and interests of children as well as ex-partners as there is a 64% chance of women experiencing violence (oscar, 2007). parties involved in relationship breakdowns experience minimal justice due to lacking effectiveness of legal responses.

You've got some really great arguments in here Nicki; and excellent inclusion of evidence! You've got a nice set of laws, reports and media articles that you are using to back up your argument!

My comments throughout should cover my recommendations; mostly on clarity. Remember basic syntax and grammar; it ensures your arguments are as clear as possible. At times the sentences flowed too long and this subtracts from the effectiveness of your writing. Not a huge deal, but something to consider. Ensure that you are consistently evaluating, consistently linking back to your main idea, because your evaluations are really effective but at times seem just a tad off the point. Just some simple phrasing additions, "thus demonstrating a failure of justice for children", that sort of thing, will be enough :)

At it's core, this is a great paragraph! Great work Nicki :)

thank you!! :) :) :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 01, 2016, 04:34:12 pm
Quote from: cjrig on November 01, 2016, 12:03:07 am
Hi, would I be able to get some feedback on my crime essay please? It would be greatly appreciated  ;D

Hey! Absolutely, your essay is attached below with comments in bold!

Spoiler
‘To what extent do laws reflect the moral and ethical standards of the community?’

Australian laws intend to reflect and enforce the ethical and moral standards of society, so that all individuals are free from harm, injustice and unfairness. Great justification for the topic, nice work. The extent to which law reflects these standards depends entirely on its ability to achieve justice and meet the needs the accused, victim and the community. Ahh, clever tie in, I like it! The moral and ethical standards of society are constantly changing, thus law must reflect these evolving standards. Law varies to an extent which is evident in the issues of sentencing in regards to ‘one punch’ laws, the new bail act and provocation. Bit of an expression issue in that last sentence; but this is great! I'd like to see a final judgement as your last sentence; a "Yes, this is the argument I'm making." Is the law effective, ineffective or in between?

In recent years, the influences of alcohol and drugs has resulted in individuals harming others and committing crimes due to the effects of these substances. The law must be able give fair sentences for individuals who commit crimes under the influence of alcohol and drugs that reflect ethical and moral standards. Fantastic introduction. However, the community outrage at the case of R v Loveridge (2013) where an intoxicated man named Kieran Loveridge committed three assaults and ‘king’ hit an 18 year old named Thomas Kelly resulting in his death, and was only sentenced to a minimum of five years and two months imprisonment, demonstrates that the law did not achieve justice for the victim or reflect moral and ethical values of the community. You can cut a bit of that case detail; it's not too bad, but the marker doesn't need much detail, try and do it in a single phrase. The article ‘Family of Thomas Kelly grateful for law reform’ (SMH 2014) stated that Kelly’s family created an online petition that demanded law reform gained 142,000 signatures, this indicates that the community disagreed with the law in dealing with Loveridge’s sentence. Nice media tie in. As a result from the pressure of the community and the Director of Public Prosecutions’ appeal,  Loveridge’s sentence was increased to a minimum of 10 years and two months imprisonment. The NSW government also introduced changes to the Crimes and Other Legislation Amendment (Assault and Intoxication) Act 2014, which implemented an eight year mandatory sentence for one punch assaults if alcohol or drugs are involved and an increase to the maximum penalty for crimes where drugs and/or alcohol are aggravating factors instead of mitigating factors. This case demonstrates that the law may not meet the moral and ethical standards of community, however, the introduction of legislation indicates the effective implementation of law reform to reflect these standards. Excellently argued, great stuff, my only comments here would be on expression and being succinct! There were areas where you could have been a little more concise, but on the whole, fabulous ;D

An area of of law that has failed to reflect the moral and ethical standards of society is the implementation of the new Bail Act 2013. The Bail Act 2013 replaced the Bail Act 1978 and it uses an unacceptable risk test in regard to whether the accused will fail to appear in any proceedings for the offence, commit a serious offence, endanger the safety of victims, individuals or the community, or interfere with witnesses or evidence. However, this new legislation failed in meeting the moral and ethical standards of the community in the case of R v Hawi (2014). Which moral/ethical standards specifically? Be careful not to be too broad here. The community was outraged at the fact that head bikie gang member Mahmoud Hawi, who was charged with the murder of Anthony Zervas during a 2009 Sydney Airport bikie gang brawl, was granted bail because of the new bail act that was only implemented around one month ago at the time of the case. A bit of a case detail recount; avoid this! One of the purposes of the Bail Act 2013 was to further protect the community from offenders. This purpose is undercut in the article Mahmouh Hawi granted bail on airport murder charges under new NSW laws (SMH 2014) where the mother of the victim told the media that she “feels sick and scared” and also said, “ I hope he doesn’t come anywhere near my family or the witness”. This statements clearly indicates that a family member of the victim feels that she is in danger of the offender while he is out on bail, thus defeating the purpose of the Bail Act 2013. Clearly link to the lack of protection for victim rights and the idea of moral ethical standards. This case demonstrates that law reform has failed at meeting the moral and ethical standards of society, as the community disagrees with the Hawi’s acceptance of bail and the victim’s family does not feel protected from the offender. Another effective paragraph!

The use of provocation as a partial defense to murder has given rise to debate in society of the extent to which law meets the ethical and moral standards in society. Cool! The community outrage at the case of R v Singh (2012), in which a man successfully used provocation as a partial defense against the murder of his wife, demonstrates that the law did not achieve justice for the victim or reflect moral and ethical values. The NSW government introduced the Crimes Amendment (Provocation) Act 2014 (NSW) as a result of pressure from the community to decrease the success of provocation being used as defense for murder. There was also a parliamentary inquiry in response to this case. Like the law reform in R v Loveridge, this legislation represents law reform can reflect the moral and ethical values of society. Again, be specific in what you mean this.However the article Time to act - provocation must be rejected as an excuse for murder (SMH 2013) , indicates that many people in the community want the NSW government to abolish provocations instead of decreasing its success. A little more sophisticated expression would be good here, try; "indicates the communal support for the NSW government to _______." Whereas the article Losing provocation defence could harm abused women (SMH 2012) states that “women who kill their abusive husbands will be disadvantaged and are more likely to be jailed for murder if the defence of provocation is abolished.” Therefore this case demonstrates that law can have difficulties in meeting moral and ethical standards.

In conclusion, it is evident that the law has trouble on reflecting and meeting the moral and ethical standards of society as these standards are constantly evolving over time. Excellent. Certain cases has given rise to law reform in order to meet these standards, however new laws and legislation will not always meet changing moral and ethical standards as demonstrated in R v Singh. Try not to pick on specific cases you've used; give general overviews. Overall the law at some extent does meet the moral and ethical standards of society, but it still has difficulties in achieving justice and fairness for individuals, victims and offenders. Excellent conclusion.

This is an excellent essay cjrig! Fantastic arguments, excellent evidence, well structured, it's really great stuff! Most of my comments throughout are nitpicks; on the whole this is excellent stuff! Watch for wasting words on unnecessary case details (it will save you time in the exam I hope), and be sure that if you use the balancing rights of victim/offender/society idea in the intro, that it is carried fully through the response. You didn't mention it heaps after your Thesis and 1st paragraph; it falls away just a tad and becomes only an implied thing (in my opinion). Be explicit ;D

You should be super confident though; this is a great response and I'm sure you'll smash your exam tomorrow! ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: cjrig on November 01, 2016, 05:11:05 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on November 01, 2016, 04:34:12 pm
Hey! Absolutely, your essay is attached below with comments in bold!

Spoiler
‘To what extent do laws reflect the moral and ethical standards of the community?’

Australian laws intend to reflect and enforce the ethical and moral standards of society, so that all individuals are free from harm, injustice and unfairness. Great justification for the topic, nice work. The extent to which law reflects these standards depends entirely on its ability to achieve justice and meet the needs the accused, victim and the community. Ahh, clever tie in, I like it! The moral and ethical standards of society are constantly changing, thus law must reflect these evolving standards. Law varies to an extent which is evident in the issues of sentencing in regards to ‘one punch’ laws, the new bail act and provocation. Bit of an expression issue in that last sentence; but this is great! I'd like to see a final judgement as your last sentence; a "Yes, this is the argument I'm making." Is the law effective, ineffective or in between?

In recent years, the influences of alcohol and drugs has resulted in individuals harming others and committing crimes due to the effects of these substances. The law must be able give fair sentences for individuals who commit crimes under the influence of alcohol and drugs that reflect ethical and moral standards. Fantastic introduction. However, the community outrage at the case of R v Loveridge (2013) where an intoxicated man named Kieran Loveridge committed three assaults and ‘king’ hit an 18 year old named Thomas Kelly resulting in his death, and was only sentenced to a minimum of five years and two months imprisonment, demonstrates that the law did not achieve justice for the victim or reflect moral and ethical values of the community. You can cut a bit of that case detail; it's not too bad, but the marker doesn't need much detail, try and do it in a single phrase. The article ‘Family of Thomas Kelly grateful for law reform’ (SMH 2014) stated that Kelly’s family created an online petition that demanded law reform gained 142,000 signatures, this indicates that the community disagreed with the law in dealing with Loveridge’s sentence. Nice media tie in. As a result from the pressure of the community and the Director of Public Prosecutions’ appeal,  Loveridge’s sentence was increased to a minimum of 10 years and two months imprisonment. The NSW government also introduced changes to the Crimes and Other Legislation Amendment (Assault and Intoxication) Act 2014, which implemented an eight year mandatory sentence for one punch assaults if alcohol or drugs are involved and an increase to the maximum penalty for crimes where drugs and/or alcohol are aggravating factors instead of mitigating factors. This case demonstrates that the law may not meet the moral and ethical standards of community, however, the introduction of legislation indicates the effective implementation of law reform to reflect these standards. Excellently argued, great stuff, my only comments here would be on expression and being succinct! There were areas where you could have been a little more concise, but on the whole, fabulous ;D

An area of of law that has failed to reflect the moral and ethical standards of society is the implementation of the new Bail Act 2013. The Bail Act 2013 replaced the Bail Act 1978 and it uses an unacceptable risk test in regard to whether the accused will fail to appear in any proceedings for the offence, commit a serious offence, endanger the safety of victims, individuals or the community, or interfere with witnesses or evidence. However, this new legislation failed in meeting the moral and ethical standards of the community in the case of R v Hawi (2014). Which moral/ethical standards specifically? Be careful not to be too broad here. The community was outraged at the fact that head bikie gang member Mahmoud Hawi, who was charged with the murder of Anthony Zervas during a 2009 Sydney Airport bikie gang brawl, was granted bail because of the new bail act that was only implemented around one month ago at the time of the case. A bit of a case detail recount; avoid this! One of the purposes of the Bail Act 2013 was to further protect the community from offenders. This purpose is undercut in the article Mahmouh Hawi granted bail on airport murder charges under new NSW laws (SMH 2014) where the mother of the victim told the media that she “feels sick and scared” and also said, “ I hope he doesn’t come anywhere near my family or the witness”. This statements clearly indicates that a family member of the victim feels that she is in danger of the offender while he is out on bail, thus defeating the purpose of the Bail Act 2013. Clearly link to the lack of protection for victim rights and the idea of moral ethical standards. This case demonstrates that law reform has failed at meeting the moral and ethical standards of society, as the community disagrees with the Hawi’s acceptance of bail and the victim’s family does not feel protected from the offender. Another effective paragraph!

The use of provocation as a partial defense to murder has given rise to debate in society of the extent to which law meets the ethical and moral standards in society. Cool! The community outrage at the case of R v Singh (2012), in which a man successfully used provocation as a partial defense against the murder of his wife, demonstrates that the law did not achieve justice for the victim or reflect moral and ethical values. The NSW government introduced the Crimes Amendment (Provocation) Act 2014 (NSW) as a result of pressure from the community to decrease the success of provocation being used as defense for murder. There was also a parliamentary inquiry in response to this case. Like the law reform in R v Loveridge, this legislation represents law reform can reflect the moral and ethical values of society. Again, be specific in what you mean this.However the article Time to act - provocation must be rejected as an excuse for murder (SMH 2013) , indicates that many people in the community want the NSW government to abolish provocations instead of decreasing its success. A little more sophisticated expression would be good here, try; "indicates the communal support for the NSW government to _______." Whereas the article Losing provocation defence could harm abused women (SMH 2012) states that “women who kill their abusive husbands will be disadvantaged and are more likely to be jailed for murder if the defence of provocation is abolished.” Therefore this case demonstrates that law can have difficulties in meeting moral and ethical standards.

In conclusion, it is evident that the law has trouble on reflecting and meeting the moral and ethical standards of society as these standards are constantly evolving over time. Excellent. Certain cases has given rise to law reform in order to meet these standards, however new laws and legislation will not always meet changing moral and ethical standards as demonstrated in R v Singh. Try not to pick on specific cases you've used; give general overviews. Overall the law at some extent does meet the moral and ethical standards of society, but it still has difficulties in achieving justice and fairness for individuals, victims and offenders. Excellent conclusion.

This is an excellent essay cjrig! Fantastic arguments, excellent evidence, well structured, it's really great stuff! Most of my comments throughout are nitpicks; on the whole this is excellent stuff! Watch for wasting words on unnecessary case details (it will save you time in the exam I hope), and be sure that if you use the balancing rights of victim/offender/society idea in the intro, that it is carried fully through the response. You didn't mention it heaps after your Thesis and 1st paragraph; it falls away just a tad and becomes only an implied thing (in my opinion). Be explicit ;D

You should be super confident though; this is a great response and I'm sure you'll smash your exam tomorrow! ;D

Thank you so much for you help and feedback, Jamon!  :D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: mattmorley on November 09, 2016, 11:21:03 am
Hi Jamon, Could you have a look at this and give me any feedback you can. The Essay and notification of task is attached to give you a guidline of what is been looked for :)
Its due tommorow so any help is much appreciated

Thanks
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 09, 2016, 03:03:41 pm
Quote from: mattmorley on November 09, 2016, 11:21:03 am
Hi Jamon, Could you have a look at this and give me any feedback you can. The Essay and notification of task is attached to give you a guidline of what is been looked for :)
Its due tommorow so any help is much appreciated

Thanks

Hey Matt! I'm happy to give it a read. I'd normally give more detail but since it's due tomorrow (and I'm on exams at the moment) I'll have to be a little less thorough! :)

Your Speech
Good Morning Sir and class , today I will be talking about Homosexual discrimination in reagrds to legal and non legal methods of resolving disputes aswell as key formal statements regarding the issue. I think you'll want a bit more of an introduction here. Give a more detailed definition of the issue and its scope. Why is this an issue worth discussing? What areas of this topic will you be discussing in the response? This is especially necessary since you've chosen an issue that ISN'T in the syllabus; you need to justify why this is a human rights issue to begin with. Right now it's just a discrimination issue; you need to link it to human rights immediately.

The UDHR is a key formal statement in the protection of individual rights. The UDHR obtains a significant relationship between itself and homosexual rights that involves the UDHR stating through article 2 that “Everyone is entitled to all the rights and freedoms set forth in this declaration, without distinction of any kind, such as race, colour, sex, language”. This article has a distant effect on Homosexual discrimination as this article speaks about how individuals are to be free from discrimination and shouldn’t be effected by discrimination. In terms of expression here; you've used discrimination three times in the same sentence. May stand out like a sore thumb. This effects homosexual discrimination as people who are homosexual shouldn’t have to face discrimination in the form of marriage or abuse. Through the UDHR specifically article 2, homosexual discrimination is restricted. Some good points; but I think your argument is a little weak. You say the UDHR has an article which prevents discrimination, and you say that this restricts homosexual discrimination. However, this is a little self apparent. This is a speech on a human rights issue, and you've still not given me any justification that the issue exists at all.

The International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights has a distinct relationship with homosexual rights.  Article 26 of the statement states that “all Persons ae equal before the law and are entitled without any discrimination to the equal protection of the law”, this article effects homosexual discrimination in the forms of equal treatment of homosexual’s persons as well as the removal of discrimination. The case of Young vs Australia shows the effect of this article as discrimination faced by same sex couples that were veterans were in breach of article 26 of the ICCPR. The ICCPR also includes articles Article 17 and Article 23 which speak of the right to privacy and the right to marry and start a family of which both effect homosexual discrimination in the forms of cessing discrimination faced to these people in the forms of being unable to marry and the discrimination faced by same sex couples in the form of privacy. A little expression issue in that last sentence; but good work integrating a case. I'd like to see more of that.

The International Covenant on economic, Social and Cultural rights is the main treaty dealing with the economic, social and cultural rights of all people. The Document has a direct relationship with homosexual discrimination as article 2-2 states “The rights enunciated in the present Covenant will be exercised without discrimination regardless of religion, sex, or gender”, this effects homosexual rights as this means that same sex couples should not be discriminated against in any form, through this this means that same sex couples should feel safe and free from discrimination

The media play an integral role in regarding to homosexual rights that of which the media is effective and ineffective in different aspects in regards to homosexual discrimination. “NSW Police accused of homosexual discrimination after targeting gay officers in drug sting” SMH 2016-10-08, states how the NSW Police discriminate against Homosexual individuals the form of targeting only homosexuals in an internal task force for illicit drug use. Expression issue there. The Media successfully raised public awareness through sharing with the public the discrimination faced thus through society knowing about the issue and being outraged inadvetadly placing immense pressure discrimination. Expression issue there; it's a good idea you are raising, make sure you are conveying it clearly. The media is an non legal method of resolving disputes that is effective in the forms of accessibility as anyone can access media resealed articles through online and paper resources that allows the media to successfully raise public awareness on homosexual discrimination effectively and efficiently. I feel like that sentence would be more suited as an introduction? Ie - we should be told it's a non-legal response immediately.

The media also has ineffective aspects in resolving homosexual discrimination as the media is ineffective in enforceability the media is unable to enforce laws and prosecute offenders as the media is limited to placing placing pressure meaning that the media is unable to convict individual or homosexual discrimination thereby being ineffective in regards to enforceability. Again, watch expression. You are raising good points but they don't come across in the best way, I had to read that sentence a few times to click with what you were saying. Read your speech aloud, listen for these sorts of issues. the media is also ineffective in the forms of meeting society’s needs the media is unable legally outlawing homosexual discrimination due to the media being unable the prosecute and convict offenders therefore being ineffective in meeting society’s needs therefore being unable to achieve justice to society. As above; good points, but you can't use 'therefore' more than one in a sentence without impacting on your clarity.

Non Governmental Organisations play a key role in placing pressure on the legal system in regards to homosexual discrimination of which are mainly ineffective in resolving discrimination. The NGO of Australian Marriage equality organisation seeks to reduce homosexual discrimination in the form of not allowing seem sex marriage. NGO’s are ineffective in the forms of enforceability as NGO’s such as The Australian Marriage equality organisation are unable to force discrimination laws as well as create anti discrimination laws thereby being ineffective in regards to enforceability, NGO’s are also ineffective in meeting society’s needs as these organisations are unsuccessful in amending any Marriage equality laws o far highlighting their ineffectiveness. NGO’s are although effective informs of accessibility as The Australian Marriage equality website in easily accessed by the internet that it readily available to society that is viewed thousands of times each day highlighting that it reaches a wide audience that allows for society to be educated on homosexual discrimination that of which is effective in placing pressure on the legal system due to the easily accessed information on the topic. You are integrating the criteria quite well; enforceability, accessibility; good stuff!

Legislation is a legal mechanism that is extremely effective in ceasing homosexual discrimination. Legislation is effective in creating laws that effectively restrict discrimination and ably assist NGO’s in promoting protection towards homosexuals against discrimination.  The Anti discrimination act 1977 NSW and the Human rights and equal opportunity commission act 1986 commonwealth are two pieces of legalisation which prohibits discrimination in regards to sexual preferences. Legislation as a legal method is extremely effective as it is enforceable as these pieces of legalisation are protected under law which results in indictments to offenders which results in protection to same sex couples highlighting the effective of legislation in regards to enforceability.  The case of Toonen vs Australia, legislation being the Anti discrimination act was utilised by toonen to win his homosexual discrimination cases also highlighting the effectiveness of legalisation in the forms of enforceability. You are better off using this case to say that laws can be created to overcome human rights issues! Toonen v Australia went to the UNHRC and spurred the Human Rights (Sexual Conduct) Act.  Legislations is also extremely effective in meeting society’s needs and achieving justice to victims as the laws created through legalisation aim to achieve the greater good for society that in turn meets the needs of society through not allowing injustice to occur to same sex couples as well as protecting society. Through legislation being effective in enforceability, meeting society’s needs and achieving justice to victims, homosexual discrimination can be reduced. This was your best paragraph so far. Good points raised in an organised fashion; good work!

The Courts and tribunals are extremely effective legal methods of reducing homosexual discrimination and upholding human rights. The Courts and tribunals effectively evaluate on cases regarding homosexual discrimination and play a significant role in resolving disputes regarding homosexual rights.  The case of Toonen vs Australia demonstrates the effective of Courts as the court case effectively enforced key human rights and commonwealth laws to allow toonen to not be discriminated against for being homosexual. As above, be careful to specify what court. This wasn't a case heard in an Australian court. Courts are extremely effective as they successfully enforce laws and have the ability to prosecute offenders as well as make decisions on cases based around laws that as a result effectively achieves justice to the victim and society. Courts and tribunal are also significantly effective in upholding the rule of law as the courts treat everyone the same and no one no matter what their social status, sex, or religion is treated differently, this means that courts allow all homosexual people to a fair trial. Good. Courts and tribunals are also significantly effective in regards to meeting society’s needs as they offer a fair and accessible way of resolving disputes that allows homosexual people of all aspects of life a way in which they can challenge their discrimination which in turn meets the needs of society. Although, Courts and tribunals are fairly ineffective in regards to resource efficiency as they are considerably expensive in regards to other options that means that the court system isn’t efficient as well as court cases taking long amounts of time that means that homosexual cases can be delayed placing extra pressure on the legal system. Overall, Courts and tribunals are an effective way of resolving homosexual discrimination. Some more examples are needed to make the argument in this paragraph more powerful.

Internal review is a somewhat effective way of reducing discrimination faced by homosexuals as it allows for a review of decisions made by government agency’s and evaluates if the decision was unfair or unjust. Internal review is effective in the terms of resource efficiency as this method is the cheapest and quickest way of fighting discrimination compared to other legal methods. This means it is effective as complaints can be dealt with quickly and efficiently aiding all of society. Internal Review is also significantly effective in regards to responsiveness as Internal reviews occur quickly after a complaint is made in comparison to other methods meaning it is effective in quickly resolving disputes which results in an increase in responsiveness and efficiency. Internal reviews are also easily accessed by all members of society as anyone can apply for a review regardless of income, gender or race resulting in a fair and equal way of challenging decisions highlighting the effectiveness in regards to accessibility. Although Internal reviews are ineffective in meeting society’s needs as they can sometimes be biased as they can be conducted by members of the same department meaning that biases and incorrect decision can occur. This last paragraph would be much better replaced with a conclusion. You need to summarise your arguments, come to some final conclusion!

Have a read of the comments in your speech above. Because it's due tomorrow, I'll just give two key pieces of feedback in addition:

1 - Read your speech aloud to yourself or a family member, and try and spot sentences that don't 'sound' quite right. You have numerous sentences in your response that need to be separated into different sections, or have word choices rethought. If you read aloud, or even have someone else read it aloud to you, you will notice. Any point where you stumble, or if someone goes "Wait, huh?, you need to rework it.
2- This doesn't read like a speech on human rights. It reads like a speech on discrimination, not necessarily human rights. To improve this, you need to set up the issue more properly in your introduction. You need to link more clearly between the issue of homosexual discrimination and human rights; it's only halfway there for me. Further, don't be afraid to integrate articles from the UDHR,ICCPR,ICESCR into your response to really push this.

You are evaluating fairly well (and integrating the criteria nicely), and have a good understanding of the issue. However, you need to express your ideas more clearly. Oh, and try and include more evidence! More cases, more statistics, more media articles; if you can :) :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Tuong-Anh on November 21, 2016, 12:58:47 am
Would you be able to critique my legal essay? Any feedback is welcome as I am aiming to improve my writing skills.
Thank you
 :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 21, 2016, 02:35:53 am
Quote from: Tuong-Anh on November 21, 2016, 12:58:47 am
Would you be able to critique my legal essay? Any feedback is welcome as I am aiming to improve my writing skills.
Thank you
 :)

Hi Tuong-Anh, welcome to the forums!! ;D

Thanks for posting your essay. Unfortunately, we have a rule that you need to make 15 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay you'd like marked. This just ensures the marking threads don't get too over-filled, and makes sure our markers can keep up and give great feedback to the people contributing most to the community (the full essay marking rules are here) :)

So, feel free to hang around the site a bit! Ask some questions, answer some, just have a chat, all that good stuff! Once you hit 15 posts come back and let us know, and we'll definitely get you some great feedback! :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Neilab on January 26, 2017, 03:24:54 pm
Hey!! I attended a few lectures with ATARnotes this past week and only just found out about these forums! in particular, elyse showed me this thread and I'm very interested in using it more often :)

I was set a homework task to write an essay on "Assess the extent to which the categories of crime reflect moral and ethical standards". Our teacher gave us all the relevant information needed for a few of the paragraphs... but we were required to write the intro, 1st body paragraph and conclusion from scratch.

Was just wondering if you could read through to see if it made sense and if I was answering the question effectively?

HERE it is:


Introduction

The categories of crime are largely effective in reflecting the moral and ethical standards of the community but somewhat lack effectiveness in representing these standards for certain drug offences. Moral and ethical standards are demonstrated in the categories of crime through the formation and enforcement of the Crimes Act 1900 legislation, comprising of the categories of crime to protect the community. However, there has been great debate and rhetoric in the effectiveness of convicting drug offences to protect the greater society at large as the laws fundamental aim. The debate addresses whether drug offences are merely a self-imposed act to only harm the individual and not the greater community at large. In this way, the categories of crime mostly reflect moral and ethical standards but may lack the accurate representation of these standards on the category of drug offences.

Paragraph on offences against the person

Offences against the person involve some form of harm inflicted on an individual, consequently making it a significant offence under the categories of crime to reflect the moral and ethical standards of society. This is demonstrated through inclusion of such offences in the Crimes Act (1900) ,which comprises of the categories of crime to protect individuals and the greater community.  Society’s unacceptance of the unlawful killing of a person sees murder as the most serious offence, often resulting in convicted offenders receiving heavy punishments and substantial jail-time. This is evident in the case of R v Milat (1996) where the accused was sentenced to penal servitude for life. Additionally, Homicide is categorised under 5 offences that are all recognised in the Crimes Act 1900 to reflect the moral and ethical standards of society as it protects the community at large. This highlights the categories of crime as a pure reflection of moral and ethical standards. Additionally assault and sex offences, such as sexual assault, are regarded by society as crimes that can inflict physical and psychological harm to a person in an unlawful way. This is demonstrated in the case of R v Scaf (2002), where one of the accused, Bilal Scaf, was sentenced to 31 years imprisonment. Scaf was moved to maximum security in Goulburn Goal after prison officers uncovered plans by his fellow inmates, at the Long Bay Correction Centre, to inject him with HIV-infected blood. As a result, the inclusion of sexual assault and its various relevant categories, exemplify the categories of crime as a reflection of moral and ethical standards, even amongst inmates. In this way, the categories of crime evidently reflect moral and ethical standards to protect both the individual and the community.

Paragraph on drug offences - alcohol

While many of the offences against the person reflect contemporary moral and ethical standards, it could be argued that the same is not true for certain drug offences. Currently, some drugs that cause harm are illegal, such as heroin and cannabis, while others, such as alcohol and tobacco, are not illegal. The National Drug Strategy Household Survey (2013) (NDSHS) found that 40% of Australians consider the excessive use of alcohol to be the “drug issue that people feel is of the most concern to the general community”. In addition, 26% of Australians over the age of 14 had been a victim of an alcohol-related incident and around 8% had experienced physical abuse from an alcohol-affected person. However, the same survey found that “the most supported policy to reduce alcohol harm was to establish more severe penalties for drink driving (85%) followed by stricter enforcement of the law against supplying to minors (84%)”. This would suggest that although alcohol is perceived to be of the most concern, society’s values and ethics accept alcohol as a legitimate drug that requires regulation, rather than criminalisation.

Paragraph on drug offences - tobacco

The NDSHS also noted that tobacco is the major cause of cancer in Australia, accounting for about 20-30% of cancer cases. However, as tobacco usage has declined significantly between 2010 and 2013 (from 15% to 12% of people aged 14 and older), people are less inclined to perceive it as a drug of most concern to the general community. The survey also found that society supports policies aimed at reducing harm and preventing supply to minors, with around 90% of people supporting such causes. Additionally, while the harm caused by tobacco is great, there is no evidence to suggest the public would support tobacco’s criminalisation. This would suggest that society’s values and ethics are represented in current drug offences, to the extent they do not criminalise alcohol and tobacco

Paragraph on drug offences – cannabis etc

Additionally, the criminalisation of drugs such as cannabis fail to deter individuals due to the ambiguity of the law and its disregard by society. In 2013, a study by the NDSHS found that around 42% of people in Australia aged 14 years or older had illicitly used drugs with almost 3 million of these people using these drugs in the last 12 months. These statistics suggest that the uses of illicit drugs are mostly common within the broader society.  Another finding was the statistics in regards to victims involved in drug-related incidents. A huge 8.3% of the population had been in a drug-related incident, with verbal abuse being the most frequently reported incident reported overall. Within this number 3.1% had experienced some form of physical abuse under the influence of illicit drugs. These proportions are significantly less than the equivalent for alcohol. In addition, a 2012 article from ‘The Conversation’ by Alison Ritter, Professor & Specialist in Drug Policy at UNSW Australia, highlighted the public’s opinion on the support of the decriminalising of cannabis. The recent national survey found that 80% of Australians support the decriminalisation of cannabis. The enormous figure demonstrates the notion that, despite the harm caused by drugs; it is not a factor that causes harm as great as tobacco and alcohol. The report also suggested that a large proportion of the population has consumed such substances and an overwhelming number support the criminalisation of some illicit drugs. In this way, it can be argued that the category of drug offences, primarily in relation to cannabis, is not a reflection of a number of Australians morals and ethics.

Conclusion

The categories of crime are mostly a reflection of the Australian society’s morals and ethical values but arguably lack the appropriate representation of a large number of Australians views towards drug offences primarily involving cannabis. Offences against the person is a category of crime that reflects the moral and ethical standards of society at large demonstrated through inclusion of such offences in the Crimes Act 1900 legislation. However with certain drug offences it is certain that this is not the case. Society’s values and ethics are represented in current drug offences; to the extent they do not criminalise alcohol and tobacco. This extends to the notion that whilst alcohol is perceived to be of the most concern, society’s values and ethics accept alcohol and tobacco as drugs that require regulation rather than criminalisation. However, the criminalisation of drugs such as cannabis fail to deter individuals due to the ambiguity of the law and its disregard by society. The recent national survey found that 80% of Australians support the decriminalisation of cannabis creating the argument that certain categories of drug offences, primarily in relation to cannabis, fail to reflect a number of Australians values and ethics. In this way, the categories of crime mostly accomplish an accurate representation of the moral and ethical standards of society but lack this accuracy in relation to drug offences. This issue requires rectification through law reform to reflect the current societies moral and ethical standards in order to balance the rights of the individual and the needs of the state.














Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 30, 2017, 05:20:03 pm
Hey Neila! Sorry for the delay - The lectures and the subsequent exhaustion had us stop marking for a weekend ;) back on it now! Expect feedback really soon! :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Neilab on January 30, 2017, 06:30:06 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on January 30, 2017, 05:20:03 pm
Hey Neila! Sorry for the delay - The lectures and the subsequent exhaustion had us stop marking for a weekend ;) back on it now! Expect feedback really soon! :)

thankyou!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 31, 2017, 12:03:08 am
Quote from: Neilab on January 26, 2017, 03:24:54 pm
Hey!! I attended a few lectures with ATARnotes this past week and only just found out about these forums! in particular, elyse showed me this thread and I'm very interested in using it more often :)

I was set a homework task to write an essay on "Assess the extent to which the categories of crime reflect moral and ethical standards". Our teacher gave us all the relevant information needed for a few of the paragraphs... but we were required to write the intro, 1st body paragraph and conclusion from scratch.

Was just wondering if you could read through to see if it made sense and if I was answering the question effectively?

Hey! Sorry once again for the delay in getting you some feedback; so glad you enjoyed the lectures and hope these forums come to be really useful throughout the year! ;D

Your feedback is attached below in the spoiler - My comments are in bold :)

Spoiler
Assess the extent to which the categories of crime reflect moral and ethical standards

The categories of crime are largely effective in reflecting the moral and ethical standards of the community but somewhat lack effectiveness in representing these standards for certain drug offences. This is an awesome sentence - But it feels a little sporadic. It's not been 'set up' properly. I'd like to see you start with something like "The categories of crime are essential in _______." Give a bit of context! Moral and ethical standards are demonstrated in the categories of crime through the formation and enforcement of the Crimes Act 1900 legislation, comprising of the categories of crime to protect the community. Good. However, there has been great debate and rhetoric in the effectiveness of convicting drug offences to protect the greater society at large as the laws fundamental aim. A little unclear in that sentence, I think expression could be improved. The debate addresses whether drug offences are merely a self-imposed act to only harm the individual and not the greater community at large. In this way, the categories of crime mostly reflect moral and ethical standards but may lack the accurate representation of these standards on the category of drug offences. Good introduction! Sets up the argument and lays out your plan of attack - Nice! Work on clarifying expression and adding a bit of context to the start.

Offences against the person involve some form of harm inflicted on an individual, consequently making it a significant offence under the categories of crime to reflect the moral and ethical standards of society. Normally I would say to steer clear of facts - We know what an offence against the person is and so normally it would be unnecessary to mention. However, this is a weird question and I think it works well here. This is demonstrated through inclusion of such offences in the Crimes Act (1900) ,which comprises of the categories of crime to protect individuals and the greater community. You stated this in the intro - Feels a little bit throwaway here. Society’s unacceptance of the unlawful killing of a person sees murder as the most serious offence, often resulting in convicted offenders receiving heavy punishments and substantial jail-time. 'Unacceptance' isn't a word - Maybe 'condemnation', perhaps? This is evident in the case of R v Milat (1996) where the accused was sentenced to penal servitude for life. A more recent case study could be beneficial; even as an addition not a replacement! Additionally, Homicide is categorised under 5 offences that are all recognised in the Crimes Act 1900 to reflect the moral and ethical standards of society as it protects the community at large. How do the differing categories assist with this though? How is it more effective than a simpler, broader punishment. This highlights the categories of crime as a pure reflection of moral and ethical standards. Additionally assault and sex offences, such as sexual assault, are regarded by society as crimes that can inflict physical and psychological harm to a person in an unlawful way. This is demonstrated in the case of R v Scaf (2002), where one of the accused, Bilal Scaf, was sentenced to 31 years imprisonment. Scaf was moved to maximum security in Goulburn Goal after prison officers uncovered plans by his fellow inmates, at the Long Bay Correction Centre, to inject him with HIV-infected blood. How is this additional information relevant to your argument? Whenever you give an example, you MUST link it to the argument you are making. As a result, the inclusion of sexual assault and its various relevant categories, exemplify the categories of crime as a reflection of moral and ethical standards, even amongst inmates. In this way, the categories of crime evidently reflect moral and ethical standards to protect both the individual and the community. Solid paragraph - Ensure that all your examples are relevant and that you are really exploring your argument thoroughly.

While many of the offences against the person reflect contemporary moral and ethical standards, it could be argued that the same is not true for certain drug offences. Fabulous opener. Currently, some drugs that cause harm are illegal, such as heroin and cannabis, while others, such as alcohol and tobacco, are not illegal. The National Drug Strategy Household Survey (2013) (NDSHS) found that 40% of Australians consider the excessive use of alcohol to be the “drug issue that people feel is of the most concern to the general community”. In addition, 26% of Australians over the age of 14 had been a victim of an alcohol-related incident and around 8% had experienced physical abuse from an alcohol-affected person. Nice inclusion of statistics - How does this relate to your argument though? However, the same survey found that “the most supported policy to reduce alcohol harm was to establish more severe penalties for drink driving (85%) followed by stricter enforcement of the law against supplying to minors (84%)”. This would suggest that although alcohol is perceived to be of the most concern, society’s values and ethics accept alcohol as a legitimate drug that requires regulation, rather than criminalisation. This seemed a bit more like a regurgitation of statistics than an actual argument, if that makes sense? So you've given some great data, but not really done a lot to link that to the idea of moral/ethical standards (it disappears after the first sentence).

The NDSHS also noted that tobacco is the major cause of cancer in Australia, accounting for about 20-30% of cancer cases. However, as tobacco usage has declined significantly between 2010 and 2013 (from 15% to 12% of people aged 14 and older), people are less inclined to perceive it as a drug of most concern to the general community. The survey also found that society supports policies aimed at reducing harm and preventing supply to minors, with around 90% of people supporting such causes. Additionally, while the harm caused by tobacco is great, there is no evidence to suggest the public would support tobacco’s criminalisation. This would suggest that society’s values and ethics are represented in current drug offences, to the extent they do not criminalise alcohol and tobacco. So I love the point you are making here - That the non-criminalisation of these drugs reflects the current sociopolitical standards. Fabulous! But it feels again like this is more statistics than argument - I reckon you could blend this with the previous paragraph.

Additionally, the criminalisation of drugs such as cannabis fail to deter individuals due to the ambiguity of the law and its disregard by society. The idea of moral/ethical standards should appear in your first sentence - This shows your argument continues to be at the front of your mind!  In 2013, a study by the NDSHS found that around 42% of people in Australia aged 14 years or older had illicitly used drugs with almost 3 million of these people using these drugs in the last 12 months. These statistics suggest that the uses of illicit drugs are mostly common within the broader society. Link to your argument. Another finding was the statistics in regards to victims involved in drug-related incidents. A huge 8.3% of the population had been in a drug-related incident, with verbal abuse being the most frequently reported incident reported overall. Within this number 3.1% had experienced some form of physical abuse under the influence of illicit drugs. These proportions are significantly less than the equivalent for alcohol. In addition, a 2012 article from ‘The Conversation’ by Alison Ritter, Professor & Specialist in Drug Policy at UNSW Australia, highlighted the public’s opinion on the support of the decriminalising of cannabis. Nice inclusion of media - I love it! But again, link to argument. The recent national survey found that 80% of Australians support the decriminalisation of cannabis. The enormous figure demonstrates the notion that, despite the harm caused by drugs; it is not a factor that causes harm as great as tobacco and alcohol. The report also suggested that a large proportion of the population has consumed such substances and an overwhelming number support the criminalisation of some illicit drugs. In this way, it can be argued that the category of drug offences, primarily in relation to cannabis, is not a reflection of a number of Australians morals and ethics. Once again, some great information and ideas coming through here but it's not quite being linked to the greater Thesis effectively. It is hinted, and if I do some thinking I can make the connections. But I shouldn't have to do that work; it should be clear as day!

The categories of crime are mostly a reflection of the Australian society’s morals and ethical values but arguably lack the appropriate representation of a large number of Australians views towards drug offences primarily involving cannabis. Excellent start to your conclusion. Offences against the person is a category of crime that reflects the moral and ethical standards of society at large demonstrated through inclusion of such offences in the Crimes Act 1900 legislation. However with certain drug offences it is certain that this is not the case. Great - You are making a very obvious and clear judgement here. Society’s values and ethics are represented in current drug offences; to the extent they do not criminalise alcohol and tobacco. This extends to the notion that whilst alcohol is perceived to be of the most concern, society’s values and ethics accept alcohol and tobacco as drugs that require regulation rather than criminalisation. A little too much restatement here - Your conclusion should VERY briefly summarise your arguments. Right now its a tad long. However, the criminalisation of drugs such as cannabis fail to deter individuals due to the ambiguity of the law and its disregard by society. The recent national survey found that 80% of Australians support the decriminalisation of cannabis creating the argument that certain categories of drug offences, primarily in relation to cannabis, fail to reflect a number of Australians values and ethics. Never introduce any new/old statistics in your conclusion. All your ideas/evidence should be done by now - A conclusion is just summation!  In this way, the categories of crime mostly accomplish an accurate representation of the moral and ethical standards of society but lack this accuracy in relation to drug offences. This issue requires rectification through law reform to reflect the current societies moral and ethical standards in order to balance the rights of the individual and the needs of the state. Great finish, nicely done.

Right, so let me prelude by saying: This question suuuucks. It is not nice. Definitely not an essay-worthy question - You can't analyse the categories of crime. That isn't a thing, at least in my opinion. So, take this feedback with that in mind, because I think you are tackling a very difficult question that isn't very easy to access.

One thing you are doing well; fantastic evidence. Cases, stats, laws, media - Some excellent inclusions. You could include more laws and more cases, of course, but this is a great foundation and it shows a commitment to proving your point. That is fabulous! What I want you to do is keep the argument at the front of your mind - How does this piece of evidence make your argument more convincing? How does it relate? Many times you introduced a statistic or a media article but didn't link it to your argument. You must always do this!

Really, this is the main bit of feedback I'd have at this point, in addition to the comments throughout. Getting your argument more obvious and more cohesive. I know what it is, but it could be expressed more clearly and more succinctly. Start every paragraph with a sentence linking to your argument - 'Moral/ethical standards' should always appear in that first sentence. It should appear frequently throughout the paragraph as well. You could also benefit from a more clear definition of your argument in the introduction - Primarily, a clear definition of moral/ethical standards and WHY the categories of crime should reflect them.

My feedback for this essay isn't great, I admit, because its such a weird question! But I hope this helps in a small way and that you'll be back for more feedback in the future! Let me know if you needed anything clarified ;D

Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: parthie on February 04, 2017, 03:35:08 pm
Hey I have this essay I have to to do on this question due monday:

Assess the extent to which factors affecting sentencing decisions balance the rights of the victims, offenders, and society

I have spent so long changing it and editing it but I still feel like its not that great! I also have to include the Rogerson Mnamara case as my main one but I can use other ones to support it

The notification is attached

Was wondering if you could take a read and tell me if I am answering the question effectively and if my points make sense?

Also it would be really hard for me to add stuff in because I am on the word limit but I can change things

here it is:

There are many factors that affect sentencing decisions and each of these factors try to balance the rights of victims, offenders and society. These factors include aggravating factors which make the offence more serious and mitigating factors which work in favour of explaining the reason and circumstances surrounding the defendant’s actions. Some of these factors were present in the sentencing decisions of RvRogerson RvMcnamara (2016) cases

Aggravating factors help balance the rights of the victim as they could lead to an increased sentence. Rogerson and McNamara were both given life sentences because of these aggravating factors; the disposal of the victim’s body at sea which was called both “cruel” and “insensitive” and was done so the victim would never be found. A further aggravating factor was the offenders intention to sell 2.78kg of the illegal drug ice and the men killed the victim for the purpose of financial gain which was stated to be “no different than contract killing” by the NSW crown prosecutor. Another aggravating factor was the use of the weapon to kill the victim and the fact that the crime was committed in company. Neither man had shown any remorse over the crime they committed and as the verdicts were handed out.  Aggravating factors generally heavily influence sentencing decisions as they help balance the rights of the victims by bringing awareness to their experiences through the understanding of the circumstances and details surrounding the crime

A person’s prior convictions can be an aggravating factor, and generally increase the length of a their sentence whereas being a first time offender with no criminal record is seen as a mitigating factor and can entail a lesser sentence. Rogerson’s  prior convictions included perverting the course of justice and lying to the 1999 Police Integrity Commission which entailed prison time as well as being dismissed from the police force, he allegedly was involved with a drug dealer in the past. Rogerson shot and killed heroin dealer Warren Lanfranchi and when his girlfriend (Sallie-Anne Huckstepp) and Lynn Woodward gave evidence against Rogerson they were found dead, and missing respectively. He was also charged with conspiring to bribe and kill fellow police officer Michael Drury however he was later acquitted. Prior convictions, can be seen as impeding on the offender’s rights as the judge may gave the offender a harsher sentence based on their past and on their previous “bad character” rather than just the crime in question.

A major aggravating factor is whether or not a crime is premeditated as planned crimes have longer sentences . The offenders in the case were both former police officers who abused their knowledge of the law and planned the murder in advance using their experience and training. McNamara had taken his boat out on the day before the murder and Rogerson visited the shed to remove some office chairs. McNamara had met with the victim 27 times before the murder, gained his trust and claimed  that the meetings were for a book about asian crime gangs he was writing however there was no evidence presented to support this. McNamara also bought an untraceable white station wagon before the crime which was used to transport the victim’s body. Justice Bellow stated the crime was “extensive in its planning, brutal in its execution and callous in its aftermath”  and the victim was “executed in cold blood, just as the offenders had planned.” The consideration of this factor helped balance the rights of the victim and society as it was clear in achieving justice, protecting society from experiencing further crimes and understanding what happened to the victim

Another factor that affects sentencing decision is whether or not the accused pleaded guilty. Both Mcnamara and Rogerson pleaded not guilty, each presenting their own version of what happened, pointing the blame to each other. The judge however rejected both of their accounts and despite the fact that he couldn't find beyond reasonable doubt who had pulled the trigger as a result he sentenced both men to life imprisonment. If the offender pleads guilty their sentence will often be shorter than if they pleaded not guilty and were found guilty as they are assisting the authorities, this helps balance the rights of the offenders as they are given a choice and the decision they make is taken into consideration. This also helps balance the rights of society and the victim as if a person is found guilty when they pleaded not guilty, through receiving a longer sentence justice and protection are provided for both society and the victim.

Victim impact statements (VIS) can be taken into consideration in sentencing decisions, it is written by the victim or the victim’s family about the impact the crime has had on them, heard at the time of sentencing. Jamie Gao’s family stated “the courts can’t lessen the term of Jamie’s death or the impact that his death, the investigation and ensuing trial has had on our family,” however they thanked the police, the DPP and the judge for sentencing both men to life imprisonment. VIS have thoroughly helped victims in achieving their rights in being able to express the consequences of the offender’s action.

Although there are no mitigating factors taken into consideration when sentencing McNamara and Rogerson, some of these could include: the offender being youthful or inexperienced, showing remorse, being provoked or acting under duress and good character. These factors are essential in helping offenders achieve their rights. However mitigating factors can also impede on the rights of victims as portrayed in the R v. Gus Forbes (1980) case. An aboriginal man was found guilty and sentenced to 12 years imprisonment for murder and 8 years for rape, however the judge took Aboriginal customary law into consideration and the fact that rape is not as seriously regarded in Aboriginal communities. Consequently, the judge gave a more lenient sentence which isn't in the interest of the victim and society's rights for fairness and justice. As stated by the Australian Law Reform Commission’s report Recognition of Aboriginal Customary Laws  “It can be argued that a special sentencing discretion of this kind would be discriminatory or divisive, since it would allow some Aboriginal defendants the possibility of mitigating their sentence in a way not available to other persons.

RvRogerson, RvMcNamara (2016) balanced the rights of victims and society through consideration of aggravating factors and subsequent life sentence, however the rights of the offender weren't always upheld due to Rogerson’s prior convictions.  Factors affecting sentencing decisions whether mitigating or aggravating attempt to balance the rights of victims, society and offenders, however they are not always successful.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on February 05, 2017, 06:55:30 am
Quote from: parthie on February 04, 2017, 03:35:08 pm
Hey I have this essay I have to to do on this question due monday:

Assess the extent to which factors affecting sentencing decisions balance the rights of the victims, offenders, and society

I have spent so long changing it and editing it but I still feel like its not that great! I also have to include the Rogerson Mnamara case as my main one but I can use other ones to support it

The notification is attached

Was wondering if you could take a read and tell me if I am answering the question effectively and if my points make sense?

Also it would be really hard for me to add stuff in because I am on the word limit but I can change things


Hey parthie! We definitely can take a look at this :) I'm keen to know what you think of the Rogerson and McNamara cases? Do you find them useful as a legal student?

The comments are in bold in the spoiler below :)
Spoiler
There are many factors that affect sentencing decisions and each of these factors try It's super minor - but "try" personifies the factors. "The intention of each factor is to balance...'' to balance the rights of victims, offenders and society. These factors include aggravating factors which make the offence more serious and mitigating factors which work in favour of explaining the reason and circumstances surrounding the defendant’s actions. Some of these factors were present in the sentencing decisions of RvRogerson RvMcnamara (2016) cases. This last sentence doesn't add anything to your argument except name a case - I'd cut this out to make room for your evaluation. Introduce your cases in the next paragraph. You haven't actually made your judgement about how successful these factors are, which is what the question is asking you. The very first thing you should be focusing on is making a judgement, and right now we don't have that. You could say that you think each party is eloquently treated in sentencing, or you could say victim's rights are least eloquently addressed, or you could say that each case holds a different level of justice for each party. Whatever your judgement is, make it! It's probably safest to go with a "the rights of the victim, society, and offender are balanced by different factors in the sentencing decision, but often the respect for rights of one party will compromise another's." Something like this opens you up to discussion, but that's just me adding my own twist to it. You could just say each case is unique, but generally the law adequately balances rights. Whatever you truly believe is worth arguing, make that statement early.

Aggravating factors help balance the rights of the victim as they could lead to an increased sentence. Rogerson and McNamara were both given life sentences because of these aggravating factors; the disposal of the victim’s body at sea which was called both “cruel” and “insensitive” and was done so the victim would never be found. Who called it cruel and insensitive? Quote this to give it authority. I would also identify what an aggravating factor is and when it is considered and by whom. This shouldn't be more than a sentence, but simply identify that you understand the place in the process where aggravating factors are considered. A further aggravating factor was the offenders intention to sell 2.78kg of the illegal drug ice and the men killed the victim for the purpose of financial gain which was stated to be “no different than contract killing” by the NSW crown prosecutor. Another aggravating factor was the use of the weapon to kill the victim and the fact that the crime was committed in company. Neither man had shown any remorse over the crime they committed and as the verdicts were handed out.  Until this point: there is no analysis. All we have is examples of aggravating factors in the case, rather than linking to the argument. So I would cut down this middle bit by listing some of the aggravating factors in one sentence, and then evaluate exactly how this supports society and the victim (usually these go together) and then talk about how this balances the rights of the offenders in a separate sentence so that you can compare and contrast, thus supporting your argument. Aggravating factors generally heavily influence sentencing decisions as they help balance the rights of the victims by bringing awareness to their experiences through the understanding of the circumstances and details surrounding the crime

A person’s prior convictions can be an aggravating factor, and generally increase the length of a their sentence whereas being a first time offender with no criminal record is seen may be seen as...it isn't always. The worst murder case in history won't be mitigated because it is a first time offence. as a mitigating factor and can entail a lesser sentence. Rogerson’s  prior convictions included perverting the course of justice and lying to the 1999 Police Integrity Commission which entailed prison time as well as being dismissed from the police force, he allegedly was involved with a drug dealer in the past. Was this cited in court? If you can obtain the court documents and quote this, I would! Rogerson shot and killed heroin dealer Warren Lanfranchi and when his girlfriend (Sallie-Anne Huckstepp) and Lynn Woodward gave evidence against Rogerson they were found dead, and missing respectively. He was also charged with conspiring to bribe and kill fellow police officer Michael Drury however he was later acquitted. Prior convictions, can be seen as impeding on the offender’s rights as the judge may gave the offender a harsher sentence based on their past and on their previous “bad character” rather than just the crime in question. Again, the evaluation is missing. No doubt you know the cases well, but we haven't actually specifically looked at victim, offender, society. Do mitigating factors support the victim? Not really. Do they support society? Mm, potentially less time the tax payer is paying for someone to be in jail. Do they support the offender? Yes, because it takes into account each individual circumstance. We need to keep bringing it back to this evaluation!

A major aggravating factor is whether or not a crime is premeditated as planned crimes have longer sentences . The offenders in the case were both former police officers who abused their knowledge of the law and planned the murder in advance using their experience and training. McNamara had taken his boat out on the day before the murder and Rogerson visited the shed to remove some office chairs. McNamara had met with the victim 27 times before the murder, gained his trust and claimed  that the meetings were for a book about asian crime gangs he was writing however there was no evidence presented to support this. McNamara also bought an untraceable white station wagon before the crime which was used to transport the victim’s body. This is 127 words with no judgement or argument. You're identifying another type of aggravating factor but not actually linking it to an argument. Justice Bellow stated the crime was “extensive in its planning, brutal in its execution and callous in its aftermath”  and the victim was “executed in cold blood, just as the offenders had planned.” The consideration of this factor helped balance the rights of the victim and society as it was clear in achieving justice, protecting society from experiencing further crimes and understanding what happened to the victim This is a nice little piece of analysis! If you can embed this kind of reflection on the facts several times in a paragraph, twice minimum, you're making great progress.

Another factor that affects sentencing decision is whether or not the accused pleaded guilty. Both Mcnamara and Rogerson pleaded not guilty, each presenting their own version of what happened, pointing the blame to each other. The judge however rejected both of their accounts and despite the fact that he couldn't find beyond reasonable doubt who had pulled the trigger as a result he sentenced both men to life imprisonment. If the offender pleads guilty their sentence will often be shorter than if they pleaded not guilty and were found guilty as they are assisting the authorities, this helps balance the rights of the offenders as they are given a choice and the decision they make is taken into consideration. This also helps balance the rights of society and the victim as if a person is found guilty when they pleaded not guilty, through receiving a longer sentence justice and protection are provided for both society and the victim.

Victim impact statements (VIS) can be taken into consideration in sentencing decisions, it is written by the victim or the victim’s family about the impact the crime has had on them, heard at the time of sentencing. Jamie Gao’s family stated “the courts can’t lessen the term of Jamie’s death or the impact that his death, the investigation and ensuing trial has had on our family,” however they thanked the police, the DPP and the judge for sentencing both men to life imprisonment. VIS have thoroughly helped victims in achieving their rights in being able to express the consequences of the offender’s action. This is a great spot for discussion: When are VISs not useful in balancing the rights? Look at some domestic violence cases like R V Osland where the VIS was delivered poorly due to trauma.

Although there are no mitigating factors taken into consideration when sentencing McNamara and Rogerson, some of these could include: the offender being youthful or inexperienced, showing remorse, being provoked or acting under duress and good character. These factors are essential in helping offenders achieve their rights. However mitigating factors can also impede on the rights of victims as portrayed in the R v. Gus Forbes (1980) case. An aboriginal man was found guilty and sentenced to 12 years imprisonment for murder and 8 years for rape, however the judge took Aboriginal customary law into consideration and the fact that rape is not as seriously regarded in Aboriginal communities. Consequently, the judge gave a more lenient sentence which isn't in the interest of the victim and society's rights for fairness and justice. As stated by the Australian Law Reform Commission’s report Recognition of Aboriginal Customary Laws  “It can be argued that a special sentencing discretion of this kind would be discriminatory or divisive, since it would allow some Aboriginal defendants the possibility of mitigating their sentence in a way not available to other persons.

RvRogerson, RvMcNamara (2016) balanced the rights of victims and society through consideration of aggravating factors and subsequent life sentence, however the rights of the offender weren't always upheld due to Rogerson’s prior convictions.  Factors affecting sentencing decisions whether mitigating or aggravating attempt to balance the rights of victims, society and offenders, however they are not always successful.

The first step to improving your response is to make a judgement at the beginning, and keep supporting the judgement with facts throughout. I think a reshuffle of your paragraphs could be useful. Your first three body paragraphs could be condensed by about half, and put into just two paragraphs. So much of the paragraph is describing the factors of sentencing, rather than being evaluative. Perhaps one sentence should be describing, and the next four should be evaluating. Currently it's in reverse. Remember to address the victim, society, and the offender in each reflection on the system. The VIS area is very interesting and can definitely be opened up for a rich discussion! Do VIS balance the rights of a victim when the victim is dead and there's no family to deliver it on their behalf? What does society lose when a poor sentencing judgement is made?

When you thread your judgement clearly through each paragraph, you'll see a cohesiveness come over your essay. I think you're being caught up in using the case your teacher assigned, and it's leading you to describe the case rather than make evaluations on the sentencing process and then use the case as support. Perhaps I'm suggesting you should switch the prominence of the case for analysis! That way your essay will be very strong.

Let me know if you need more help before this is due! :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: parthie on February 05, 2017, 03:14:06 pm
Quote from: elysepopplewell on February 05, 2017, 06:55:30 am
Hey parthie! We definitely can take a look at this :) I'm keen to know what you think of the Rogerson and McNamara cases? Do you find them useful as a legal student?

The comments are in bold in the spoiler below :)
Spoiler
There are many factors that affect sentencing decisions and each of these factors try It's super minor - but "try" personifies the factors. "The intention of each factor is to balance...'' to balance the rights of victims, offenders and society. These factors include aggravating factors which make the offence more serious and mitigating factors which work in favour of explaining the reason and circumstances surrounding the defendant’s actions. Some of these factors were present in the sentencing decisions of RvRogerson RvMcnamara (2016) cases. This last sentence doesn't add anything to your argument except name a case - I'd cut this out to make room for your evaluation. Introduce your cases in the next paragraph. You haven't actually made your judgement about how successful these factors are, which is what the question is asking you. The very first thing you should be focusing on is making a judgement, and right now we don't have that. You could say that you think each party is eloquently treated in sentencing, or you could say victim's rights are least eloquently addressed, or you could say that each case holds a different level of justice for each party. Whatever your judgement is, make it! It's probably safest to go with a "the rights of the victim, society, and offender are balanced by different factors in the sentencing decision, but often the respect for rights of one party will compromise another's." Something like this opens you up to discussion, but that's just me adding my own twist to it. You could just say each case is unique, but generally the law adequately balances rights. Whatever you truly believe is worth arguing, make that statement early.

Aggravating factors help balance the rights of the victim as they could lead to an increased sentence. Rogerson and McNamara were both given life sentences because of these aggravating factors; the disposal of the victim’s body at sea which was called both “cruel” and “insensitive” and was done so the victim would never be found. Who called it cruel and insensitive? Quote this to give it authority. I would also identify what an aggravating factor is and when it is considered and by whom. This shouldn't be more than a sentence, but simply identify that you understand the place in the process where aggravating factors are considered. A further aggravating factor was the offenders intention to sell 2.78kg of the illegal drug ice and the men killed the victim for the purpose of financial gain which was stated to be “no different than contract killing” by the NSW crown prosecutor. Another aggravating factor was the use of the weapon to kill the victim and the fact that the crime was committed in company. Neither man had shown any remorse over the crime they committed and as the verdicts were handed out.  Until this point: there is no analysis. All we have is examples of aggravating factors in the case, rather than linking to the argument. So I would cut down this middle bit by listing some of the aggravating factors in one sentence, and then evaluate exactly how this supports society and the victim (usually these go together) and then talk about how this balances the rights of the offenders in a separate sentence so that you can compare and contrast, thus supporting your argument. Aggravating factors generally heavily influence sentencing decisions as they help balance the rights of the victims by bringing awareness to their experiences through the understanding of the circumstances and details surrounding the crime

A person’s prior convictions can be an aggravating factor, and generally increase the length of a their sentence whereas being a first time offender with no criminal record is seen may be seen as...it isn't always. The worst murder case in history won't be mitigated because it is a first time offence. as a mitigating factor and can entail a lesser sentence. Rogerson’s  prior convictions included perverting the course of justice and lying to the 1999 Police Integrity Commission which entailed prison time as well as being dismissed from the police force, he allegedly was involved with a drug dealer in the past. Was this cited in court? If you can obtain the court documents and quote this, I would! Rogerson shot and killed heroin dealer Warren Lanfranchi and when his girlfriend (Sallie-Anne Huckstepp) and Lynn Woodward gave evidence against Rogerson they were found dead, and missing respectively. He was also charged with conspiring to bribe and kill fellow police officer Michael Drury however he was later acquitted. Prior convictions, can be seen as impeding on the offender’s rights as the judge may gave the offender a harsher sentence based on their past and on their previous “bad character” rather than just the crime in question. Again, the evaluation is missing. No doubt you know the cases well, but we haven't actually specifically looked at victim, offender, society. Do mitigating factors support the victim? Not really. Do they support society? Mm, potentially less time the tax payer is paying for someone to be in jail. Do they support the offender? Yes, because it takes into account each individual circumstance. We need to keep bringing it back to this evaluation!

A major aggravating factor is whether or not a crime is premeditated as planned crimes have longer sentences . The offenders in the case were both former police officers who abused their knowledge of the law and planned the murder in advance using their experience and training. McNamara had taken his boat out on the day before the murder and Rogerson visited the shed to remove some office chairs. McNamara had met with the victim 27 times before the murder, gained his trust and claimed  that the meetings were for a book about asian crime gangs he was writing however there was no evidence presented to support this. McNamara also bought an untraceable white station wagon before the crime which was used to transport the victim’s body. This is 127 words with no judgement or argument. You're identifying another type of aggravating factor but not actually linking it to an argument. Justice Bellow stated the crime was “extensive in its planning, brutal in its execution and callous in its aftermath”  and the victim was “executed in cold blood, just as the offenders had planned.” The consideration of this factor helped balance the rights of the victim and society as it was clear in achieving justice, protecting society from experiencing further crimes and understanding what happened to the victim This is a nice little piece of analysis! If you can embed this kind of reflection on the facts several times in a paragraph, twice minimum, you're making great progress.

Another factor that affects sentencing decision is whether or not the accused pleaded guilty. Both Mcnamara and Rogerson pleaded not guilty, each presenting their own version of what happened, pointing the blame to each other. The judge however rejected both of their accounts and despite the fact that he couldn't find beyond reasonable doubt who had pulled the trigger as a result he sentenced both men to life imprisonment. If the offender pleads guilty their sentence will often be shorter than if they pleaded not guilty and were found guilty as they are assisting the authorities, this helps balance the rights of the offenders as they are given a choice and the decision they make is taken into consideration. This also helps balance the rights of society and the victim as if a person is found guilty when they pleaded not guilty, through receiving a longer sentence justice and protection are provided for both society and the victim.

Victim impact statements (VIS) can be taken into consideration in sentencing decisions, it is written by the victim or the victim’s family about the impact the crime has had on them, heard at the time of sentencing. Jamie Gao’s family stated “the courts can’t lessen the term of Jamie’s death or the impact that his death, the investigation and ensuing trial has had on our family,” however they thanked the police, the DPP and the judge for sentencing both men to life imprisonment. VIS have thoroughly helped victims in achieving their rights in being able to express the consequences of the offender’s action. This is a great spot for discussion: When are VISs not useful in balancing the rights? Look at some domestic violence cases like R V Osland where the VIS was delivered poorly due to trauma.

Although there are no mitigating factors taken into consideration when sentencing McNamara and Rogerson, some of these could include: the offender being youthful or inexperienced, showing remorse, being provoked or acting under duress and good character. These factors are essential in helping offenders achieve their rights. However mitigating factors can also impede on the rights of victims as portrayed in the R v. Gus Forbes (1980) case. An aboriginal man was found guilty and sentenced to 12 years imprisonment for murder and 8 years for rape, however the judge took Aboriginal customary law into consideration and the fact that rape is not as seriously regarded in Aboriginal communities. Consequently, the judge gave a more lenient sentence which isn't in the interest of the victim and society's rights for fairness and justice. As stated by the Australian Law Reform Commission’s report Recognition of Aboriginal Customary Laws  “It can be argued that a special sentencing discretion of this kind would be discriminatory or divisive, since it would allow some Aboriginal defendants the possibility of mitigating their sentence in a way not available to other persons.

RvRogerson, RvMcNamara (2016) balanced the rights of victims and society through consideration of aggravating factors and subsequent life sentence, however the rights of the offender weren't always upheld due to Rogerson’s prior convictions.  Factors affecting sentencing decisions whether mitigating or aggravating attempt to balance the rights of victims, society and offenders, however they are not always successful.

The first step to improving your response is to make a judgement at the beginning, and keep supporting the judgement with facts throughout. I think a reshuffle of your paragraphs could be useful. Your first three body paragraphs could be condensed by about half, and put into just two paragraphs. So much of the paragraph is describing the factors of sentencing, rather than being evaluative. Perhaps one sentence should be describing, and the next four should be evaluating. Currently it's in reverse. Remember to address the victim, society, and the offender in each reflection on the system. The VIS area is very interesting and can definitely be opened up for a rich discussion! Do VIS balance the rights of a victim when the victim is dead and there's no family to deliver it on their behalf? What does society lose when a poor sentencing judgement is made?

When you thread your judgement clearly through each paragraph, you'll see a cohesiveness come over your essay. I think you're being caught up in using the case your teacher assigned, and it's leading you to describe the case rather than make evaluations on the sentencing process and then use the case as support. Perhaps I'm suggesting you should switch the prominence of the case for analysis! That way your essay will be very strong.

Let me know if you need more help before this is due! :)

Thanks so much Elyse!!! This has helped me so much!! I just have a few questions

Are you saying that I should integrate my evaluation into my evidence rather than having evidence than evaluation in a paragraph??

For VIS could you say that they are compromising the rights of offenders through the fact they they are "construed as promoting harsher punishments against defendants who murder people who have a family member willing to make a statement, as opposed to victims that do not."
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 05, 2017, 03:23:02 pm
Quote from: parthie on February 05, 2017, 03:14:06 pm
Thanks so much Elyse!!! This has helped me so much!! I just have a few questions

Are you saying that I should integrate my evaluation into my evidence rather than having evidence than evaluation in a paragraph??

For VIS could you say that they are compromising the rights of offenders through the fact they they are "construed as promoting harsher punishments against defendants who murder people who have a family member willing to make a statement, as opposed to victims that do not."

I'll tag in for Elyse; being in Venice it's like 5am(?) for her, want to make sure you get your question answered before your task is due tomorrow! She might tag in too ;D

I think that is exactly what Elyse is suggesting - And it is the best way to go. Every time you introduce a piece of evidence, you should be analysing/evaluating it. In your response, you had a lot of sentences that were just describing aspects of the case, rather than saying how they recognised rights of victims/offenders/society, or how effectively these rights were balanced :)

You could definitely say that! The VIS will always primarily protect the rights of the victim, but in terms of linking it to the rights of the offender, I think that works well! Remember to give the source of that quote to give yourself a bit of authority (quotes from reputable sources/authority figures are cool) ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: parthie on February 05, 2017, 03:34:44 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on February 05, 2017, 03:23:02 pm
I'll tag in for Elyse; being in Venice it's like 5am(?) for her, want to make sure you get your question answered before your task is due tomorrow! She might tag in too ;D

I think that is exactly what Elyse is suggesting - And it is the best way to go. Every time you introduce a piece of evidence, you should be analysing/evaluating it. In your response, you had a lot of sentences that were just describing aspects of the case, rather than saying how they recognised rights of victims/offenders/society, or how effectively these rights were balanced :)

You could definitely say that! The VIS will always primarily protect the rights of the victim, but in terms of linking it to the rights of the offender, I think that works well! Remember to give the source of that quote to give yourself a bit of authority (quotes from reputable sources/authority figures are cool) ;D

Thankyou so much!!!

One last question (sorry) I am a little confused as why remorse is seen as a mitigating factor and how this helps the offender??

Thanks again
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 05, 2017, 03:41:32 pm
Quote from: parthie on February 05, 2017, 03:34:44 pm
Thankyou so much!!!

One last question (sorry) I am a little confused as why remorse is seen as a mitigating factor and how this helps the offender??

Thanks again

Sure! So remorse is an interesting one, but look at it this way.

Say you had two people of the same age and background in front of you who had both committed the same murder (as much as that is possible). Person A expresses great remorse, is visibly upset by what has transpired, and expresses a desire to change and rehabilitate. Person B expresses no remorse and is happy they committed the crime. Who gets the harsher punishment?

Arguably, Person B gets a harsher punishment. They have far lower chance of rehabilitation and high chance of re-offending; their punishment is more severe.

Essentially, expression of remorse is a symbol of the offenders desire to rehabilitate and become a functioning, law abiding member of society. Accepting remorse from the offender is accepting their rights to rehabilitative sentencing enshrined in human rights documentation :) :) :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: parthie on February 05, 2017, 05:13:49 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on February 05, 2017, 03:41:32 pm
Sure! So remorse is an interesting one, but look at it this way.

Say you had two people of the same age and background in front of you who had both committed the same murder (as much as that is possible). Person A expresses great remorse, is visibly upset by what has transpired, and expresses a desire to change and rehabilitate. Person B expresses no remorse and is happy they committed the crime. Who gets the harsher punishment?

Arguably, Person B gets a harsher punishment. They have far lower chance of rehabilitation and high chance of re-offending; their punishment is more severe.

Essentially, expression of remorse is a symbol of the offenders desire to rehabilitate and become a functioning, law abiding member of society. Accepting remorse from the offender is accepting their rights to rehabilitative sentencing enshrined in human rights documentation :) :) :)


Thanks so much for all your help!! Don't know what I wouldve done without it!!!!! :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 05, 2017, 05:26:26 pm
Quote from: parthie on February 05, 2017, 05:13:49 pm

Thanks so much for all your help!! Don't know what I wouldve done without it!!!!! :)

Happy to help! Best of luck with submitting the task tomorrow ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Neilab on February 07, 2017, 04:55:54 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on January 31, 2017, 12:03:08 am
Hey! Sorry once again for the delay in getting you some feedback; so glad you enjoyed the lectures and hope these forums come to be really useful throughout the year! ;D

Your feedback is attached below in the spoiler - My comments are in bold :)

Spoiler
Assess the extent to which the categories of crime reflect moral and ethical standards

The categories of crime are largely effective in reflecting the moral and ethical standards of the community but somewhat lack effectiveness in representing these standards for certain drug offences. This is an awesome sentence - But it feels a little sporadic. It's not been 'set up' properly. I'd like to see you start with something like "The categories of crime are essential in _______." Give a bit of context! Moral and ethical standards are demonstrated in the categories of crime through the formation and enforcement of the Crimes Act 1900 legislation, comprising of the categories of crime to protect the community. Good. However, there has been great debate and rhetoric in the effectiveness of convicting drug offences to protect the greater society at large as the laws fundamental aim. A little unclear in that sentence, I think expression could be improved. The debate addresses whether drug offences are merely a self-imposed act to only harm the individual and not the greater community at large. In this way, the categories of crime mostly reflect moral and ethical standards but may lack the accurate representation of these standards on the category of drug offences. Good introduction! Sets up the argument and lays out your plan of attack - Nice! Work on clarifying expression and adding a bit of context to the start.

Offences against the person involve some form of harm inflicted on an individual, consequently making it a significant offence under the categories of crime to reflect the moral and ethical standards of society. Normally I would say to steer clear of facts - We know what an offence against the person is and so normally it would be unnecessary to mention. However, this is a weird question and I think it works well here. This is demonstrated through inclusion of such offences in the Crimes Act (1900) ,which comprises of the categories of crime to protect individuals and the greater community. You stated this in the intro - Feels a little bit throwaway here. Society’s unacceptance of the unlawful killing of a person sees murder as the most serious offence, often resulting in convicted offenders receiving heavy punishments and substantial jail-time. 'Unacceptance' isn't a word - Maybe 'condemnation', perhaps? This is evident in the case of R v Milat (1996) where the accused was sentenced to penal servitude for life. A more recent case study could be beneficial; even as an addition not a replacement! Additionally, Homicide is categorised under 5 offences that are all recognised in the Crimes Act 1900 to reflect the moral and ethical standards of society as it protects the community at large. How do the differing categories assist with this though? How is it more effective than a simpler, broader punishment. This highlights the categories of crime as a pure reflection of moral and ethical standards. Additionally assault and sex offences, such as sexual assault, are regarded by society as crimes that can inflict physical and psychological harm to a person in an unlawful way. This is demonstrated in the case of R v Scaf (2002), where one of the accused, Bilal Scaf, was sentenced to 31 years imprisonment. Scaf was moved to maximum security in Goulburn Goal after prison officers uncovered plans by his fellow inmates, at the Long Bay Correction Centre, to inject him with HIV-infected blood. How is this additional information relevant to your argument? Whenever you give an example, you MUST link it to the argument you are making. As a result, the inclusion of sexual assault and its various relevant categories, exemplify the categories of crime as a reflection of moral and ethical standards, even amongst inmates. In this way, the categories of crime evidently reflect moral and ethical standards to protect both the individual and the community. Solid paragraph - Ensure that all your examples are relevant and that you are really exploring your argument thoroughly.

While many of the offences against the person reflect contemporary moral and ethical standards, it could be argued that the same is not true for certain drug offences. Fabulous opener. Currently, some drugs that cause harm are illegal, such as heroin and cannabis, while others, such as alcohol and tobacco, are not illegal. The National Drug Strategy Household Survey (2013) (NDSHS) found that 40% of Australians consider the excessive use of alcohol to be the “drug issue that people feel is of the most concern to the general community”. In addition, 26% of Australians over the age of 14 had been a victim of an alcohol-related incident and around 8% had experienced physical abuse from an alcohol-affected person. Nice inclusion of statistics - How does this relate to your argument though? However, the same survey found that “the most supported policy to reduce alcohol harm was to establish more severe penalties for drink driving (85%) followed by stricter enforcement of the law against supplying to minors (84%)”. This would suggest that although alcohol is perceived to be of the most concern, society’s values and ethics accept alcohol as a legitimate drug that requires regulation, rather than criminalisation. This seemed a bit more like a regurgitation of statistics than an actual argument, if that makes sense? So you've given some great data, but not really done a lot to link that to the idea of moral/ethical standards (it disappears after the first sentence).

The NDSHS also noted that tobacco is the major cause of cancer in Australia, accounting for about 20-30% of cancer cases. However, as tobacco usage has declined significantly between 2010 and 2013 (from 15% to 12% of people aged 14 and older), people are less inclined to perceive it as a drug of most concern to the general community. The survey also found that society supports policies aimed at reducing harm and preventing supply to minors, with around 90% of people supporting such causes. Additionally, while the harm caused by tobacco is great, there is no evidence to suggest the public would support tobacco’s criminalisation. This would suggest that society’s values and ethics are represented in current drug offences, to the extent they do not criminalise alcohol and tobacco. So I love the point you are making here - That the non-criminalisation of these drugs reflects the current sociopolitical standards. Fabulous! But it feels again like this is more statistics than argument - I reckon you could blend this with the previous paragraph.

Additionally, the criminalisation of drugs such as cannabis fail to deter individuals due to the ambiguity of the law and its disregard by society. The idea of moral/ethical standards should appear in your first sentence - This shows your argument continues to be at the front of your mind!  In 2013, a study by the NDSHS found that around 42% of people in Australia aged 14 years or older had illicitly used drugs with almost 3 million of these people using these drugs in the last 12 months. These statistics suggest that the uses of illicit drugs are mostly common within the broader society. Link to your argument. Another finding was the statistics in regards to victims involved in drug-related incidents. A huge 8.3% of the population had been in a drug-related incident, with verbal abuse being the most frequently reported incident reported overall. Within this number 3.1% had experienced some form of physical abuse under the influence of illicit drugs. These proportions are significantly less than the equivalent for alcohol. In addition, a 2012 article from ‘The Conversation’ by Alison Ritter, Professor & Specialist in Drug Policy at UNSW Australia, highlighted the public’s opinion on the support of the decriminalising of cannabis. Nice inclusion of media - I love it! But again, link to argument. The recent national survey found that 80% of Australians support the decriminalisation of cannabis. The enormous figure demonstrates the notion that, despite the harm caused by drugs; it is not a factor that causes harm as great as tobacco and alcohol. The report also suggested that a large proportion of the population has consumed such substances and an overwhelming number support the criminalisation of some illicit drugs. In this way, it can be argued that the category of drug offences, primarily in relation to cannabis, is not a reflection of a number of Australians morals and ethics. Once again, some great information and ideas coming through here but it's not quite being linked to the greater Thesis effectively. It is hinted, and if I do some thinking I can make the connections. But I shouldn't have to do that work; it should be clear as day!

The categories of crime are mostly a reflection of the Australian society’s morals and ethical values but arguably lack the appropriate representation of a large number of Australians views towards drug offences primarily involving cannabis. Excellent start to your conclusion. Offences against the person is a category of crime that reflects the moral and ethical standards of society at large demonstrated through inclusion of such offences in the Crimes Act 1900 legislation. However with certain drug offences it is certain that this is not the case. Great - You are making a very obvious and clear judgement here. Society’s values and ethics are represented in current drug offences; to the extent they do not criminalise alcohol and tobacco. This extends to the notion that whilst alcohol is perceived to be of the most concern, society’s values and ethics accept alcohol and tobacco as drugs that require regulation rather than criminalisation. A little too much restatement here - Your conclusion should VERY briefly summarise your arguments. Right now its a tad long. However, the criminalisation of drugs such as cannabis fail to deter individuals due to the ambiguity of the law and its disregard by society. The recent national survey found that 80% of Australians support the decriminalisation of cannabis creating the argument that certain categories of drug offences, primarily in relation to cannabis, fail to reflect a number of Australians values and ethics. Never introduce any new/old statistics in your conclusion. All your ideas/evidence should be done by now - A conclusion is just summation!  In this way, the categories of crime mostly accomplish an accurate representation of the moral and ethical standards of society but lack this accuracy in relation to drug offences. This issue requires rectification through law reform to reflect the current societies moral and ethical standards in order to balance the rights of the individual and the needs of the state. Great finish, nicely done.

Right, so let me prelude by saying: This question suuuucks. It is not nice. Definitely not an essay-worthy question - You can't analyse the categories of crime. That isn't a thing, at least in my opinion. So, take this feedback with that in mind, because I think you are tackling a very difficult question that isn't very easy to access.

One thing you are doing well; fantastic evidence. Cases, stats, laws, media - Some excellent inclusions. You could include more laws and more cases, of course, but this is a great foundation and it shows a commitment to proving your point. That is fabulous! What I want you to do is keep the argument at the front of your mind - How does this piece of evidence make your argument more convincing? How does it relate? Many times you introduced a statistic or a media article but didn't link it to your argument. You must always do this!

Really, this is the main bit of feedback I'd have at this point, in addition to the comments throughout. Getting your argument more obvious and more cohesive. I know what it is, but it could be expressed more clearly and more succinctly. Start every paragraph with a sentence linking to your argument - 'Moral/ethical standards' should always appear in that first sentence. It should appear frequently throughout the paragraph as well. You could also benefit from a more clear definition of your argument in the introduction - Primarily, a clear definition of moral/ethical standards and WHY the categories of crime should reflect them.

My feedback for this essay isn't great, I admit, because its such a weird question! But I hope this helps in a small way and that you'll be back for more feedback in the future! Let me know if you needed anything clarified ;D

Thank you!! The essay question was the weirdest thing I have ever come across in my life... more than a bit odd! Managed to adopt all of your advice  and it's looking a lot better now!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 07, 2017, 05:13:51 pm
Quote from: Neilab on February 07, 2017, 05:02:38 pm
Hey guys! So i've been given a legal studies assessment task for Crime weighing 15%! Part A of the task is to gather 5 articles and complete thorough annotations onto the articles. Part B is where we have to incorporate AT LEAST one of these articles in an essay. We have the option of two essay questions to do (1000 words), they are:

1. Discuss how successful situational and social crime prevention strategies are in achieving compliance in regards to criminal law OR
2. Discuss how the factors that affect criminal behaviour impact on achieving compliance in regard to criminal law


The criteria is as follows;
"You will be marked on how well you:
* Analyse and explain the nature of crime
* discuss the effectiveness of the legal system in achieving compliance
 * Locate, select, organise and synthesise relevant legal information from a variety of sources
* Communicate in written forms using well-structured and logical arguments"

I was thinking of doing 1  - the on on situational and social crime prevention, looking at how effective they are in enhancing compliance with the law? Let me know which one you guys think would allow me to access the higher bands easily! I'm currently coming #1 in legal studies following last years exams and I REALLY want to maintain this rank especially in this assessment :)

I am on finishing this assignment by Sunday arvo so I can submit on here for feedback - you were REALLY helpful with my other essay!!

Hey Neila! So glad the feedback you received earlier was helpful - Congrats on your incredible start to the HSC! ;D

So the thing is, the question you choose won't matter. Both will allow you to access the higher bands, so its really whichever you are more comfortable with! Personally, I would chose the second question, because:

a) In structuring the essay in my head, the variety of factors affecting criminal behaviour could make it easier to structure paragraphs. That said, I could pretty easily work around the first one too. More importantly:
b) The first question relates more to the Investigation process, the second question can relate more to sentencing. I personally prefer writing about sentencing over investigation (my HSC question was on investigation... ew)

So its seriously personal preference! You chose the first one initially, so chances are you'll be loads better sticking with that ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Neilab on February 07, 2017, 05:21:30 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on February 07, 2017, 05:13:51 pm
Hey Neila! So glad the feedback you received earlier was helpful - Congrats on your incredible start to the HSC! ;D

So the thing is, the question you choose won't matter. Both will allow you to access the higher bands, so its really whichever you are more comfortable with! Personally, I would chose the second question, because:

a) In structuring the essay in my head, the variety of factors affecting criminal behaviour could make it easier to structure paragraphs. That said, I could pretty easily work around the first one too. More importantly:
b) The first question relates more to the Investigation process, the second question can relate more to sentencing. I personally prefer writing about sentencing over investigation (my HSC question was on investigation... ew)

So its seriously personal preference! You chose the first one initially, so chances are you'll be loads better sticking with that ;D

Thank you so much once again! I think stick with 1) because our school hasn't taught us about sentencing and punishment as yet! we've only done sections 1 and 2 of the crime syllabus (which is slightly odd - but i'm not too sure)!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on February 07, 2017, 06:09:53 pm
Quote from: Neilab on February 07, 2017, 05:21:30 pm
Thank you so much once again! I think stick with 1) because our school hasn't taught us about sentencing and punishment as yet! we've only done sections 1 and 2 of the crime syllabus (which is slightly odd - but i'm not too sure)!

Has your school done Human Rights or an option first?
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 07, 2017, 06:11:24 pm
Quote from: Neilab on February 07, 2017, 05:21:30 pm
Thank you so much once again! I think stick with 1) because our school hasn't taught us about sentencing and punishment as yet! we've only done sections 1 and 2 of the crime syllabus (which is slightly odd - but i'm not too sure)!

No that sounds pretty nicely in line with most people I know, maybe the slightest bit behind but not much! Both of your questions relate to investigation, but that second question (having learned the whole thing) can easily relate to sentencing. If that's not something you've learnt, then definitely not mandatory or worth worrying about. Good luck with the task! ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Neilab on February 11, 2017, 06:19:11 pm
Quote from: elysepopplewell on February 07, 2017, 06:09:53 pm
Has your school done Human Rights or an option first?

We did Human Rights first! then started crime late in term 4, and our options are world order and family (which will be term 2 and 3)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Neilab on February 11, 2017, 06:20:17 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on February 07, 2017, 06:11:24 pm
No that sounds pretty nicely in line with most people I know, maybe the slightest bit behind but not much! Both of your questions relate to investigation, but that second question (having learned the whole thing) can easily relate to sentencing. If that's not something you've learnt, then definitely not mandatory or worth worrying about. Good luck with the task! ;D

Ohhh nice!! that is true - I just read the textbook section on it and i realise what you mean :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: SSSS on February 11, 2017, 10:02:02 pm
Hey guys! How can you make sure your essay is a 15/15 for crime? I'm really hesitant to approach it.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 12, 2017, 12:05:16 am
Quote from: SSSS on February 11, 2017, 10:02:02 pm
Hey guys! How can you make sure your essay is a 15/15 for crime? I'm really hesitant to approach it.

Hey SSSS! There's a lot I could discuss, but I think the key comes down to two things:

1. A strong argument. It's really crucial to make sure that your Thesis is established properly and sustained all the way through. Check out this guide I wrote on it!

2. Strong evidence to back up that argument. Cases, laws, treaties, media, reports, statistics, and anything else relevant. That should be the focus of your response and all should be linked back to the argument you are making. Heaps of lists of evidence around the forums too ;D

My best advice on getting yourself to that 15/15? Write essays! Write an essay and submit it here for feedback, or to your teacher, even to a mate in Legal. Just keep practicing the use of your knowledge in response to questions, and you will develop the ability to crack that 15/15! ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 12, 2017, 09:48:07 am
Quote from: Neilab on February 11, 2017, 06:25:03 pm
I'm back; So I looked around on the media forum here and it was REALLY helpful in inspiring me to write up my essay. However I struggled to find cases to go with my essay question online ahh. I have HEAPS of articles all throughout and stats from BOSCAR and the AIC. Is this a bad thing?

Here is my essay - was just wondering if I could get some feedback :) On a side note - the word count was 1000 words (allowing 10% over) but i've written like 1300 so I also need a bit help cutting down (whoops). Worth 15% of my legal studies HSC mark  :-[ :-[ :-[

Hey Neilab! Glad to hear the media forums have been proving useful to you - Lots of media references and statistics is great if they are helping you prove your argument! ;D

Happy to give some feedback! You had an essay marked a little while ago, so you'll need another 15 posts to get feedback - 15+15=30 :) I mean you are two posts off that, if you go say hey in the 2017 discussion thread, then post here to let me know when you've done that, that's 30 posts ;D I'll get the feedback done ASAP so hopefully once you've done it I'll already have it marked ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Neilab on February 12, 2017, 01:14:17 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on February 12, 2017, 09:48:07 am
Hey Neilab! Glad to hear the media forums have been proving useful to you - Lots of media references and statistics is great if they are helping you prove your argument! ;D

Happy to give some feedback! You had an essay marked a little while ago, so you'll need another 15 posts to get feedback - 15+15=30 :) I mean you are two posts off that, if you go say hey in the 2017 discussion thread, then post here to let me know when you've done that, that's 30 posts ;D I'll get the feedback done ASAP so hopefully once you've done it I'll already have it marked ;D

Hey! I've got 30 posts now :) Thank youuu for the feedback!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 12, 2017, 03:53:21 pm
Quote from: Neilab on February 11, 2017, 06:25:03 pm
I'm back; So I looked around on the media forum here and it was REALLY helpful in inspiring me to write up my essay. However I struggled to find cases to go with my essay question online ahh. I have HEAPS of articles all throughout and stats from BOSCAR and the AIC. Is this a bad thing?

Here is my essay - was just wondering if I could get some feedback :) On a side note - the word count was 1000 words (allowing 10% over) but i've written like 1300 so I also need a bit help cutting down (whoops). Worth 15% of my legal studies HSC mark  :-[ :-[ :-[

Hey hey! Your essay is attached with feedback below:

Spoiler
Discuss how successful situational and social crime prevention strategies are in achieving compliance in regard to criminal law

Situational and social crime prevention strategies have been mostly successful in achieving compliance with criminal law amongst certain categories of crime. Nice simple and straight to the point; good start. You could first give a justification of WHY crime prevention is a necessity in the criminal justice system (improves efficiency, etc). Situational crime prevention aims to reduce the opportunity for crime through a pragmatic approach by altering opportunistic premise and modifying environmental factors to limit offenders from engaging in criminal behaviour.  I wouldn't normally say a definition is necessary - If you are desperate for cutting words it could be worth a look? But this is a hand in task(?) so perhaps a little different. Whilst the NSW government has partnered with communities to implement situational strategies to increase adherence with the law, the justification for widespread CCTV has been questioned with privacy concerns causing debate. Nice set up of the topics of discussion without elaborating, great. Social crime prevention attempts to address the underlying social factors that may lead to criminal behaviour. According to criminologist, Dr. Clancy, the most effective way of preventing local crime and increasing compliance with the law is through early intervention schemes such as youth mentoring and education plans to protect individual rights. I think a direct quote here could work a little better than just paraphrasing, but that's a personal preference. This is further exemplified in the town of Bourke where social crime prevention strategies have been highly effective in increasing compliance with the law.  However social crime prevention has been mostly ineffective for offenders of ATSI decent with statistics from the AIC and BOSCAR indicating that recidivism rates are high. Perhaps a little too much into specifics this time - Try not to give any evidence at this point; summarise the topics you'll discuss and move on. Despite this, The December 2016 BOSCAR report indicated a decrease in 16 out of all 17 major offences. In this way, preventative measures have been mostly effective in enhancing compliance with the law despite grey-areas. A great introduction on the whole! I think you could trim words by cutting back on the summaries (too much into evidence) and perhaps cutting the definitions out if you don't need them - A HSC essay under exam conditions would not need them.

Situational crime prevention strategies have been highly effective in creating supportive environments that decrease the risk of crime. Great introduction, sets up an evaluation immediately. They aim to enhance compliance with the law by deterring individuals through the manipulation of environments such as installing CCTV and alarm systems. The ABC News article “Sydney crime falling ad prevention strategies yield results” includes criminologist, Dr. Garner Clancey’s: “Models of Crime Prevention”. The report suggests various situational mechanisms to reduce local crime by increasing compliance with the law such as; installing locks and alarms, improving electronic security, increasing lighting, and making buildings harder to enter. Nice use of media/report there; I'd like to see a statistic as proof that the measures are working! These mechanisms are highly effective as they aim to increase compliance, in a resource efficient way, to protect the society at large. Additionally, the NSW government has announced the additional funding to the “NSW Community Safety Fund” allowing local communities to apply for a $250,000 grant for projects designed specifically to prevent crime in their respective vicinity. Excellent use of a legal response, that ISN'T a case or a law - Many students forget to use these. Great work. This is a highly effective measure displaying resource efficiency and equitable funding as strategies are implemented to correlate with the direct needs of the community. In this way, situational crime prevention strategies have been highly effective in meeting the needs of the greater community by increasing compliance with the law through the deterrence of criminal activity. Not much to say about this paragraph, I think it is near perfect! Perhaps a LITTLE more evaluation in the earlier half, but the media/report you are discussing does admittedly make that a little tough.

Though most situational crime prevention strategies have been effective in increasing compliance with the law, the use of CCTV has been criticized immensely, raising concerns over privacy and resource efficiency. Fabulous. The Sydney Morning Herald article, “Facing up to the law: increasing surveillance raises privacy concerns”, has exposed statistics from a report by police in London, showing that only 1 crime was solved per 1000 cameras. This highlights the ineffectiveness of CCTV as it lacks resource efficiency by showing no indication of preventing the incidence of crime. Excellent use of evidence with immediate evaluation - You've settled into a nice 'point-evaluate' structure here that flows well! Additionally, The president of Australian Councils for Civil Liberties, Terry O’Gorman, stated that it was “troubling that such CCTV technologies have no monitoring on the impacts on privacy.” This raises the issue that the rights of the individual and the community are not being protected, as they are unaware of the uses of these images. Conversely, the 2016 BOSCAR report indicated that stealing from a retail store had an upward trend of 6.4% across NSW; underlining the issue that situational crime prevention is highly ineffective in this area. This may be as a result of self-serve checkouts in supermarkets and inefficient alarm systems that promote non-compliance amongst individuals. Thus, situational crime prevention has been some-what in effective in enhancing compliance with the law. I would say that the last few sentences of this paragraph went off track a little bit; you've started the paragraph saying you'll focus on CCTV, then you stray from that to a more general argument. You need to either start more general or keep the focus on CCTV (CCTV can play a big role either way) :)

Social crime prevention has been extremely effective in addressing the underlying factors that affect criminal behaviour to enhance compliance with the law. To overcome non-compliance with the law, according to former crime prevention consultant and senior lecture at the University of Sydney, Dr. Garner; the most effective way of preventing local crime and increasing compliance with the law is through social crime prevention strategies and early intervention schemes. This includes youth mentoring and education plans that support individuals, primarily the youth, who have an increased chance of falling into crime in later life. These programs aim to target the various factors that affect criminal behaviour by supporting youth in regards to social and psychological determinants. We are already halfway through the paragraph without any real evaluation or analysis - If you are looking for words to trim, the sentences above could be worth. look. This enhances compliance with the law, is extremely resource efficient and protects the rights of the individual and the offender, making it an extremely effective measure. Have any proof of these statements? ABC News article, “Backing Bourke: How a radical new approach is saving young people from a life of crime’, illustrates the effectiveness of social crime prevention in increasing compliance in the town of Bourke. Three years ago, Bourke was ranked the highest in NSW for breaching and non-complying with the law for offences such as bail, assault, domestic violence and more. The tone there when you say "and more" shifts a little from the analytical, academic tone that you want. Be careful not to make this a recount. I'd just write "such as bail, assault, and domestic violence." The introduction of the “Justice Reinvestment” scheme aimed to reorientate services with the focus on a more social approach through the establishment of education programs, free driving programs, and crackdowns on domestic violence. Following this scheme, the number of driving offences has been the lowest in 10 years; kindergarten students are more prepared for schooling, and crime rates have decreased. I would compress all of those points into, "The introduction of the "Justice Reinvestment Scheme" in Bourke NSW, saw significant reductions in crime rates (particularly driving offences), as exemplified in the article ________. This shows the effectiveness of ______." Or something. A lot of unnecessary description; even when presenting a case study, it needs to be analysis focused! Case details are not super important. The strategy demonstrates resource efficiency and high responsiveness as it met the community’s needs, protecting the rights of the youth. In this way, social crime prevention has been extremely effective in increasing compliance with the law with a decrease in crime rates in Bourke. This paragraph can definitely be streamlined, but definitely still effective.

Whilst social crime prevention aims to address the underlying factors of criminal behaviour, it has been highly ineffective in addressing the needs of released inmates following jail, as non-compliance  and re-offending rates are extremely high. Nice point to make - Gives rationale to the two points of view you are exploring. According to the Australian Institute of Criminology, 60% of those in custody in Australia have been imprisoned before. Recidivism is influenced by a range of socio-cultural, socio-economic and environmental factors. The Sydney Morning Herald article, “Aboriginal jail rates increase by 50%, but rehab fails to reduce re-offending”, exposes the alarming imprisonment rate amongst Aboriginal Australians that has increased by an alarming 52% over a decade. Indigenous people are missing out on rehab programs because they do not spend enough time in jail to qualify, or cannot access culturally appropriate services. A little tone issue there again - "missing out on rehab programs" is what triggered it. I'm not sure how to fix it, but it has again slipped into a bit more of a conversational tone if that makes sense? This highlights the ineffectiveness of social crime prevention in achieving compliance, as measures do not target the needs to the ATSI community. There are limited social programs available for released prisoners, and those that exist lack accessibility. Additionally, ABC’s Four Corners Program: Australia’s Shame, highlighted the abuse juvenile justice facilities impose against Indigenous young people, to represent the beginning of a cycle of incarceration and re-offending. This strengthens the extreme ineffectiveness of social crime prevention tactics that, in this case, enhance non-compliance with the law. As a result, these measures have been breached the rights Indigenous offenders and failed to increase compliance with the law. Again a little structural issue here - You've focused on indigenous offenders but that didn't get a mention in your intro. Your introduction and conclusion for every paragraph should match up perfectly and discuss the same thing!

Compliance with the law is achieved through a range of situational and social crime prevention strategies with each measure displaying varying levels of effectiveness. Situational crime prevention has been mostly effective in deterring crime and enhancing compliance with the law on a community basis. The NSW Community Safety Fund demonstrates equitable resource efficiency to correlate with the needs of community’s to target areas of assistance. However, CCTV footage lacks effectiveness by showing no indication of reducing crime rates and imposing privacy concerns amongst the greater community. If you are looking to trim words, you definitely don't need to go back into your evidence in this much detail. I'd go one sentence for situational, one sentence for social, to summarise everything. This would be an easy way to bring your word count down, if it feels right to you. This exemplifies a breach of individual rights and a lack of resource efficiency that fails to directly increase compliance with the law. On the other hand, social crime prevention has been highly effective in reducing crime rates, primarily in the town of Bourke. The “Justice Reinvestment” strategy demonstrated resource efficiency and high responsiveness as it met the community’s needs by decreasing crime rates – as a result of the individual’s adherence to the law. However, the SMH article exposed the ineffectiveness of social crime prevention in the area of re-offending.  Due to a lack of culturally appropriate services and maltreatment in correctional care, various measures have been breached the rights Indigenous offenders and failed to increase compliance with the law by lacking resource efficiency. Whilst crime prevention has increased compliance with the law amongst most categories of crime, more action needs to be taken to decrease crime rates even more, especially in the area of re-offending. Little tone issue, "even more," not quite academic. This may be enhanced through situational and social crime prevention strategies that aim to target specific community needs. In this way, compliance with the law is increased to create balance within the community to protect the greater community at large. On the whole, a great conclusion!

Wow, a brilliant essay Neila! Like, seriously wonderful. A fantastic focus on evaluation, some great evidence, and a well sustained Thesis with lots of layers of complexity. All the big stuff you've done REALLY well, so brilliant job! You should be really proud ;D

See the comments above for a few little things - A few structural issues where you stray a little bit from where the paragraph started, only little adjustments would fix it. A few tiny tone issues that just strike me as 'off' in an essay - See, when your essay is good, I have to nitpick ;)

A side note - Normally I would say you need to introduce some actual cases (R v Banana, like court cases) and legislation. However, given the nature of the topic, I don't think that is necessary. Check your criteria and maybe your teacher, because I don't think you would be expected to include the same sorts of evidence as you normally would in this essay. The essay you did have was great and linked to the argument well - Just remember you don't need a whole lot of detail, focus on the analysis! :)

Once again, a really awesome essay, great work! ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Neilab on February 12, 2017, 04:46:45 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on February 12, 2017, 03:53:21 pm
Hey hey! Your essay is attached with feedback below:

Spoiler
Discuss how successful situational and social crime prevention strategies are in achieving compliance in regard to criminal law

Situational and social crime prevention strategies have been mostly successful in achieving compliance with criminal law amongst certain categories of crime. Nice simple and straight to the point; good start. You could first give a justification of WHY crime prevention is a necessity in the criminal justice system (improves efficiency, etc). Situational crime prevention aims to reduce the opportunity for crime through a pragmatic approach by altering opportunistic premise and modifying environmental factors to limit offenders from engaging in criminal behaviour.  I wouldn't normally say a definition is necessary - If you are desperate for cutting words it could be worth a look? But this is a hand in task(?) so perhaps a little different. Whilst the NSW government has partnered with communities to implement situational strategies to increase adherence with the law, the justification for widespread CCTV has been questioned with privacy concerns causing debate. Nice set up of the topics of discussion without elaborating, great. Social crime prevention attempts to address the underlying social factors that may lead to criminal behaviour. According to criminologist, Dr. Clancy, the most effective way of preventing local crime and increasing compliance with the law is through early intervention schemes such as youth mentoring and education plans to protect individual rights. I think a direct quote here could work a little better than just paraphrasing, but that's a personal preference. This is further exemplified in the town of Bourke where social crime prevention strategies have been highly effective in increasing compliance with the law.  However social crime prevention has been mostly ineffective for offenders of ATSI decent with statistics from the AIC and BOSCAR indicating that recidivism rates are high. Perhaps a little too much into specifics this time - Try not to give any evidence at this point; summarise the topics you'll discuss and move on. Despite this, The December 2016 BOSCAR report indicated a decrease in 16 out of all 17 major offences. In this way, preventative measures have been mostly effective in enhancing compliance with the law despite grey-areas. A great introduction on the whole! I think you could trim words by cutting back on the summaries (too much into evidence) and perhaps cutting the definitions out if you don't need them - A HSC essay under exam conditions would not need them.

Situational crime prevention strategies have been highly effective in creating supportive environments that decrease the risk of crime. Great introduction, sets up an evaluation immediately. They aim to enhance compliance with the law by deterring individuals through the manipulation of environments such as installing CCTV and alarm systems. The ABC News article “Sydney crime falling ad prevention strategies yield results” includes criminologist, Dr. Garner Clancey’s: “Models of Crime Prevention”. The report suggests various situational mechanisms to reduce local crime by increasing compliance with the law such as; installing locks and alarms, improving electronic security, increasing lighting, and making buildings harder to enter. Nice use of media/report there; I'd like to see a statistic as proof that the measures are working! These mechanisms are highly effective as they aim to increase compliance, in a resource efficient way, to protect the society at large. Additionally, the NSW government has announced the additional funding to the “NSW Community Safety Fund” allowing local communities to apply for a $250,000 grant for projects designed specifically to prevent crime in their respective vicinity. Excellent use of a legal response, that ISN'T a case or a law - Many students forget to use these. Great work. This is a highly effective measure displaying resource efficiency and equitable funding as strategies are implemented to correlate with the direct needs of the community. In this way, situational crime prevention strategies have been highly effective in meeting the needs of the greater community by increasing compliance with the law through the deterrence of criminal activity. Not much to say about this paragraph, I think it is near perfect! Perhaps a LITTLE more evaluation in the earlier half, but the media/report you are discussing does admittedly make that a little tough.

Though most situational crime prevention strategies have been effective in increasing compliance with the law, the use of CCTV has been criticized immensely, raising concerns over privacy and resource efficiency. Fabulous. The Sydney Morning Herald article, “Facing up to the law: increasing surveillance raises privacy concerns”, has exposed statistics from a report by police in London, showing that only 1 crime was solved per 1000 cameras. This highlights the ineffectiveness of CCTV as it lacks resource efficiency by showing no indication of preventing the incidence of crime. Excellent use of evidence with immediate evaluation - You've settled into a nice 'point-evaluate' structure here that flows well! Additionally, The president of Australian Councils for Civil Liberties, Terry O’Gorman, stated that it was “troubling that such CCTV technologies have no monitoring on the impacts on privacy.” This raises the issue that the rights of the individual and the community are not being protected, as they are unaware of the uses of these images. Conversely, the 2016 BOSCAR report indicated that stealing from a retail store had an upward trend of 6.4% across NSW; underlining the issue that situational crime prevention is highly ineffective in this area. This may be as a result of self-serve checkouts in supermarkets and inefficient alarm systems that promote non-compliance amongst individuals. Thus, situational crime prevention has been some-what in effective in enhancing compliance with the law. I would say that the last few sentences of this paragraph went off track a little bit; you've started the paragraph saying you'll focus on CCTV, then you stray from that to a more general argument. You need to either start more general or keep the focus on CCTV (CCTV can play a big role either way) :)

Social crime prevention has been extremely effective in addressing the underlying factors that affect criminal behaviour to enhance compliance with the law. To overcome non-compliance with the law, according to former crime prevention consultant and senior lecture at the University of Sydney, Dr. Garner; the most effective way of preventing local crime and increasing compliance with the law is through social crime prevention strategies and early intervention schemes. This includes youth mentoring and education plans that support individuals, primarily the youth, who have an increased chance of falling into crime in later life. These programs aim to target the various factors that affect criminal behaviour by supporting youth in regards to social and psychological determinants. We are already halfway through the paragraph without any real evaluation or analysis - If you are looking for words to trim, the sentences above could be worth. look. This enhances compliance with the law, is extremely resource efficient and protects the rights of the individual and the offender, making it an extremely effective measure. Have any proof of these statements? ABC News article, “Backing Bourke: How a radical new approach is saving young people from a life of crime’, illustrates the effectiveness of social crime prevention in increasing compliance in the town of Bourke. Three years ago, Bourke was ranked the highest in NSW for breaching and non-complying with the law for offences such as bail, assault, domestic violence and more. The tone there when you say "and more" shifts a little from the analytical, academic tone that you want. Be careful not to make this a recount. I'd just write "such as bail, assault, and domestic violence." The introduction of the “Justice Reinvestment” scheme aimed to reorientate services with the focus on a more social approach through the establishment of education programs, free driving programs, and crackdowns on domestic violence. Following this scheme, the number of driving offences has been the lowest in 10 years; kindergarten students are more prepared for schooling, and crime rates have decreased. I would compress all of those points into, "The introduction of the "Justice Reinvestment Scheme" in Bourke NSW, saw significant reductions in crime rates (particularly driving offences), as exemplified in the article ________. This shows the effectiveness of ______." Or something. A lot of unnecessary description; even when presenting a case study, it needs to be analysis focused! Case details are not super important. The strategy demonstrates resource efficiency and high responsiveness as it met the community’s needs, protecting the rights of the youth. In this way, social crime prevention has been extremely effective in increasing compliance with the law with a decrease in crime rates in Bourke. This paragraph can definitely be streamlined, but definitely still effective.

Whilst social crime prevention aims to address the underlying factors of criminal behaviour, it has been highly ineffective in addressing the needs of released inmates following jail, as non-compliance  and re-offending rates are extremely high. Nice point to make - Gives rationale to the two points of view you are exploring. According to the Australian Institute of Criminology, 60% of those in custody in Australia have been imprisoned before. Recidivism is influenced by a range of socio-cultural, socio-economic and environmental factors. The Sydney Morning Herald article, “Aboriginal jail rates increase by 50%, but rehab fails to reduce re-offending”, exposes the alarming imprisonment rate amongst Aboriginal Australians that has increased by an alarming 52% over a decade. Indigenous people are missing out on rehab programs because they do not spend enough time in jail to qualify, or cannot access culturally appropriate services. A little tone issue there again - "missing out on rehab programs" is what triggered it. I'm not sure how to fix it, but it has again slipped into a bit more of a conversational tone if that makes sense? This highlights the ineffectiveness of social crime prevention in achieving compliance, as measures do not target the needs to the ATSI community. There are limited social programs available for released prisoners, and those that exist lack accessibility. Additionally, ABC’s Four Corners Program: Australia’s Shame, highlighted the abuse juvenile justice facilities impose against Indigenous young people, to represent the beginning of a cycle of incarceration and re-offending. This strengthens the extreme ineffectiveness of social crime prevention tactics that, in this case, enhance non-compliance with the law. As a result, these measures have been breached the rights Indigenous offenders and failed to increase compliance with the law. Again a little structural issue here - You've focused on indigenous offenders but that didn't get a mention in your intro. Your introduction and conclusion for every paragraph should match up perfectly and discuss the same thing!

Compliance with the law is achieved through a range of situational and social crime prevention strategies with each measure displaying varying levels of effectiveness. Situational crime prevention has been mostly effective in deterring crime and enhancing compliance with the law on a community basis. The NSW Community Safety Fund demonstrates equitable resource efficiency to correlate with the needs of community’s to target areas of assistance. However, CCTV footage lacks effectiveness by showing no indication of reducing crime rates and imposing privacy concerns amongst the greater community. If you are looking to trim words, you definitely don't need to go back into your evidence in this much detail. I'd go one sentence for situational, one sentence for social, to summarise everything. This would be an easy way to bring your word count down, if it feels right to you. This exemplifies a breach of individual rights and a lack of resource efficiency that fails to directly increase compliance with the law. On the other hand, social crime prevention has been highly effective in reducing crime rates, primarily in the town of Bourke. The “Justice Reinvestment” strategy demonstrated resource efficiency and high responsiveness as it met the community’s needs by decreasing crime rates – as a result of the individual’s adherence to the law. However, the SMH article exposed the ineffectiveness of social crime prevention in the area of re-offending.  Due to a lack of culturally appropriate services and maltreatment in correctional care, various measures have been breached the rights Indigenous offenders and failed to increase compliance with the law by lacking resource efficiency. Whilst crime prevention has increased compliance with the law amongst most categories of crime, more action needs to be taken to decrease crime rates even more, especially in the area of re-offending. Little tone issue, "even more," not quite academic. This may be enhanced through situational and social crime prevention strategies that aim to target specific community needs. In this way, compliance with the law is increased to create balance within the community to protect the greater community at large. On the whole, a great conclusion!

Wow, a brilliant essay Neila! Like, seriously wonderful. A fantastic focus on evaluation, some great evidence, and a well sustained Thesis with lots of layers of complexity. All the big stuff you've done REALLY well, so brilliant job! You should be really proud ;D

See the comments above for a few little things - A few structural issues where you stray a little bit from where the paragraph started, only little adjustments would fix it. A few tiny tone issues that just strike me as 'off' in an essay - See, when your essay is good, I have to nitpick ;)

A side note - Normally I would say you need to introduce some actual cases (R v Banana, like court cases) and legislation. However, given the nature of the topic, I don't think that is necessary. Check your criteria and maybe your teacher, because I don't think you would be expected to include the same sorts of evidence as you normally would in this essay. The essay you did have was great and linked to the argument well - Just remember you don't need a whole lot of detail, focus on the analysis! :)

Once again, a really awesome essay, great work! ;D

Hello! Thank you so much for this!! Extremeeeely helpful once again! I totally realise where I made my mistakes in this essay - just takes "another eye" to have a look HAHA! I'll let you know how it goes :)

(Also i deleted my original post on here because a friend googled the essay question and found my essay on online - whoops! Just in case anyone copies it ahhh)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: kiiaaa on February 18, 2017, 05:50:48 pm
Hi
this is like my first ever crime essay that i have written and i was wondering if i could please get some feedback. i dont know if im even doing it right and even if im properly 'assessing' it.  Could you also please provide me suggestions in how to reduce my word count please?Thank You very much!

ASSESS THE EFFECTIVENESS OF THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM WHEN DEALING WITH YOUNG OFFENDERS
The criminal justice system is quite effective in achieving justice for when dealing with the young offenders however there are areas for weakness within the system. This system consists of doli incapax, the preservation of the child’s rights when questioned or arrested, the proceedings of the children’s court as well as alternatives to court

Doli incapax is somewhat effective in how it deals with young offenders which consists of the presumption that children under the age of 10 in Australia cannot be legally held responsible for their action thus cannot be charged as guilty, and from the ages 10-14 this presumption can be rebutted by the prosecution to prove the child’s awareness of their actions. This allows for the offender to be treated as such that they refrain away from the court system as much as possible as well as to protect them from the consequences of uninformed decisions as under the Children’s (Criminal Proceedings) Act 1987 (NSW) as well as the United Nations Conventions on the Right of the Child (UNCRC) Article 40 (3)(a). For the young offenders eligible for doli incapax, although this refrains them from entering the court system, the justice system ensures the offender is educated for what they did wrong in addition to being rehabilitated thus proving the effectiveness of the system. However, its drawbacks lie in the difficulty to rebut the presumption that the child was mentally aware of their actions being wrong as in RvLMW [1999] NSWSC1343, displaying the difficulty to prove beyond reasonable doubt that the perpetrator knew between right and wrong in order to raise a conviction, thus can be deemed as ineffective as it doesn’t adequately punish the accused for their actions as well as retribute them. Hence while doli incapax aims to refrain the child from the court proceeding and label them as a criminal, it to an extent fails to properly provide justice having treating them with prejudice, and making it difficult to convict and punish them for their actions.

The preservation of the rights of child play a crucial role within the justice system making it effective when dealing with young offenders. Children are granted numerous additional rights under Law Enforcement (Powers and Responsibilities) Regulation 2005 as they are considered as vulnerable people. With this the child must be given easy access to legal aid, as well as be interrogated with a responsible support person over the age of 18. Any evidence gathered by police without a responsible adult will be then granted an inadmissible as it fails to comply with the rights of the child demonstrating the system’s effectiveness in upholding the child’s rights and to not hold them accountable for what they say without any advice. Another strength of the justice system lies in that if any statement by the child is made without any responsible adult present, it can only be granted admissible in court on judicial discretion as under the Children (Criminal Proceeding) Act 1987 (NSW), if the evidence is crucial to the case otherwise it will then be considered inadmissible. Law Enforcement (Powers and Responsibilities) Act 2002 states the purposes under which a child may be arrested and the conditions in which they must stay in consisting that the child must be kept separately to adults in the cell they remain in. Hence the Criminal justice system can be viewed as very effective when dealing with young offenders and the preservation of the rights.
The Children’s Court poses as a reasonably effective mechanism in terms of dealing with the young offenders. The Children’s Court is used when the matter cannot be resolved through a warning, caution or divisionary program under the Young Offenders Act 1989 in order to keep the child away from the court system. However, when it is used, the proceedings of the court are molded to suit the best interest of the child, making the proceedings less intimidating having less formalities and training the magistrate into dealing with children which in turn can allow for the young offender to be willing to utilize their opportunity to be heard and participate in the proceedings. The Court System is effective in protecting the child’s identity to ensure that in future they aren’t associated with actions they had committed when a young by making it a close court as well as making it an offence to publish the child’s name under (NSW) Children (Criminal Proceedings) Act 1987 s11. However, the drawback lies that within the 7 Children’s courts around NSW they’re 13 magistrates to handle them who have undergone the specialist training to deal with the children. In addition, the children’s court is applicable to summary offences excluding murder, sexual assault and armed robbery which dealt with in a higher court, that doesn’t necessary grant the same rights as to offenders in the Children’s court displaying a system which does fail to provide equal opportunities to how the offender’s trial is conducted. Hence although the children’s court does adequately ensure the young offender is treated properly during their trial allowing their active participation the same rights aren’t granted to the same extent to offenders in the superior courts thus displaying the scope of improvement within the justice system

There are alternative to courts that can prove to be effective for the young offenders in deterring them from the court system as well as moulding the alternatives to suit the minority groups.  Under the Young Offender’s Act 1989, there are divisionary measures placed to reduce the amount of youth offences entering the court systems, which in turn will reduce the recidivism rate and encourage rehabilitation, implemented through the 3-tiered system consisting of a warning, caution and Youth justice conferences. This can be deemed as reasonably effective by embracing the welfare model as well as discouraging re-offending. The youth justice conference especially plays a pivotal role in reducing recidivism by dealing with individual on a case-to-case basis and accommodating the solution to the child’s circumstances. With this alternative, the risk of receiving a custodial sentence has dropped by 17.5% for indigenous and 16.3% for non-indigenous people (BOSCAR 2013 The Impact of the NSW Young Offenders Act 1997 on the Likelihood of a Custodial Order.) However, it fails to include a wide range of offences usually serious offences where it can be beneficial in making the offender think the consequences of their actions, which can assist in reducing the rate of recidivism, as evident in Victoria. Thus, the alternatives to court have been proven to be beneficial to the young offender’s ability to rehabilitate however, in order to be highly effective there is room for improvement

The criminal justice system, has been proven to be relatively effective in dealing with the young offenders maintaining their wellbeing and assisting in their rehabilitation however the system has a few short comings which prevent it in being highly effective


Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on February 19, 2017, 08:09:48 pm
Quote from: kiiaaa on February 18, 2017, 05:50:48 pm
Hi
this is like my first ever crime essay that i have written and i was wondering if i could please get some feedback. i dont know if im even doing it right and even if im properly 'assessing' it.  Could you also please provide me suggestions in how to reduce my word count please?Thank You very much!

ASSESS THE EFFECTIVENESS OF THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM WHEN DEALING WITH YOUNG OFFENDERS


Hey there! We require 15 posts on ATAR Notes to get a full piece marked but I've had a quick look over this for you and you're definitely on the right track. Your incorporation of legislation, statistics, and cases, is really great. The only thing I want to critique is your introduction. When you say that there are weaknesses in the system, I suggest you identify who the weaknesses affect. Is it to the detriment of victims, offenders, or society? or all of the above? This just helps make your argument more unique but also succinct.

Otherwise, my only other suggestion is to incorporate the themes and challenges more consistently. Themes and challenges root your response in the syllabus but also encourages you to use legal vocabulary to assist you in increasing the sophistication of your work. Good luck!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: rodero on March 04, 2017, 10:40:55 am
Hey guys,

It would be great if I could have my essay marked in response to the question:

Investigate a contemporary human rights issue and evaluate the effectiveness of legal and non-legal responses to the issue. 15 marks

In particular, what areas can I cull in this essay? I need to write this AND 3x 5 markers in one hour  and I know that I can't have an essay this length in the exam. Also, my first paragraph is on legal measures on an international scale. Should i have that much evidence on the abolition of slavery or is this irrelevant to human trafficking? I was thinking maybe I could replace this with a few mentions of either ICESCR, ICCPR or ICC and ICJ with mention of human trafficking for the purpose of child soldiers, since that's more contemporary. I'd also like to incorporate more media reports but at the same time I need to balance this with the word limit. Right now this sits on 1037 words, which I want to cut down to 900. Sorry for any grammatical errors or disjointed sentences, it's my first draft and I got a bit sick of essay writing towards the end  :P Thanks in advance!

Spoiler
The changing values of human society have resulted in greater emphasis on the abolition of human trafficking and slavery. Undeniably, the combination of legal and nonlegal responses have been moderately effective in minimising violations to human rights, on both a domestic and international level. Despite Australia’s efficiencies in upholding these fundamental rights, international measures require further enforceability and promotion, for human rights to be upheld universally.

The first legal recognition of human rights occurred on an international level, and effectively provided a catalyst for reform world-wide. The rapid spread of the abolitionist movement in the 18th century is largely credited to the efforts of William Wilberforce, and his campaign against slavery. His efforts pressured global legal responses, including the Slave Trade Act 1807 (UK); Britain’s first codified law prohibiting human trafficking. The effectiveness of such legal responses is evident in the implementation of various legislation, such as the Slavery Abolition Act 1833 (UK) and the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America in 1865. These preceding legal responses highlight measures to prohibit human trafficking for the intention of forced labour, effectively upholding fundamental human rights. The promotion of these rights culminate following the creation of the United Nations (UN) and the creation of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR); Article 4 states that ‘no one shall be held in slavery or servitude’. However, the UDHR is classified as ‘soft law’ due to it’s lack of enforceability, thus compromising its effectiveness in preventing human trafficking. Similarly, the UN Convention on the Protocol to Prevent, Suppress and Punish Trafficking in Persons 2000, aimed to protect individuals from, and punish offenders for human trafficking. Despite providing the first universally agreed definition on human trafficking, the UN has been criticised as being a ‘toothless tiger’ due to its incapability to punish offenders, and its heavy reliance on compliance by sovereign states. Therefore, it is undeniable that international legal measures catalysed the abolition of human trafficking and slavery, though it’s effectiveness in the modern era is limited due to a lack of enforceability.

Moreover, the implementation of non-legal initiatives have been vastly effective in the promotion of human rights, through its ability to raise awareness and pressure government measures against human trafficking. The effective role of NGOs is evident in the UK-American Anti Slavery Group, which has advocated for the rights of people and the abolition of human trafficking since 1839. These non-legal measures have been enhanced following the establishment of the Global Initiative to Fight Human Trafficking; A UN initiative that works alongside NGOs in their campaigns and provides assistance to victims. According to the National Association of Attorneys General, ‘collaborating with NGOs is essential in all facets of addressing the crime of modern-day trafficking’, which highlights the necessity of NGOs in upholding human rights on a universal scale. Furthermore, the International Labour Organisation (ILO)  supports the implementation of basic workers rights worldwide, particularly the rights of human trafficking victims. Despite international measures, their policies are not legally binding, so are limited to simply raising awareness and pressuring government bodies. The ILO emphasises the essentiality of further progress, with their estimate of a current 21 million victims of human trafficking. Therefore, the role of non-legal measures have clearly contributed to the promotion and enforcement of human rights, though progress must still be done alongside government bodies for these rights to be experienced on a global scale.

Likewise, human trafficking has been addressed on a domestic level, and has achieved high degrees of success as a result of legal measures. The first codified recognition of human rights in Australia was established in the Criminal Code (Slavery and Sexual Servitude) Amendment Act 1999 (Cth), which makes human trafficking and slavery a crime and thus, punishable by the state. This legislation allowed for the first conviction of a woman for sex slavery in Australia in the case R v Wei Tang 2009. Tang’s 10 year conviction effectively set a binding precedent from the High Court, stating that prosecutors must only need to prove the offender’s intent to exercise powers attaching to ownership. The effectiveness of Australia’s legal measures are supported in the 2012 Trafficking in Persons report, which classifies Australia as a Tier 1 country in best preventing human trafficking offences. These government measures are heightened in the 2004 Commonwealth Action Plan to Eradicate Trafficking in Persons, which announced a total contribution of $58.7 million AUD in funding; This effectively united the police, the immigration department and NGOs to cooperate and respond to human trafficking domestically. Therefore, legal measures adopted by the Australian government have been exceedingly effective in the enforceability of human trafficking violations, and the protection of fundamental human rights.

Furthermore, Australian non-legal measures have operated effectively on a domestic level to raise awareness and contribute to the abolition of human trafficking and slavery. In particular, the role of NGOs and the media have been crucial to reward Australia with its aforementioned Tier 1 classification by the TIP. These efficiencies can be credited to media documentaries, such as ‘Trafficked’ in 2006, which achieved over 500,000 viewers and informed the audience of sexual slavery in Australia. Undeniably, the ability for media to educate the Australian population is an essential factor which promotes action by NGOs and government bodies. These non-legal measures are enhanced by the University of Technology Sydney’s Anti Slavery Project, which works alongside government agencies to advertise and eliminate modern slavery. According to the UTS Newsroom, The UTS Anti-Slavery Project has been ‘hailed number one in the world’, as an NGO that has ‘real potential to effect social change’. However, these positive measures do not completely eradicate the issue of human trafficking; The Global Survey Index estimates an approximate 3000 people experiencing slavery in Australia. Therefore, non-legal measures within Australia have evidently had an immense degree of effectiveness in abolishing human trafficking, though it  requires further progress to provide fundamental human rights to all.

Conclusively, the combination of legal and nonlegal responses to human trafficking have upheld human rights and provided justice to a moderate extent. Although domestic measures have certainly achieved a high degree of effectiveness, the lack of enforceability on an international level limits the ability for human rights to be experienced universally.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: anotherworld2b on March 04, 2017, 08:54:18 pm
Hi I was wondering if I can get feedback on this essay on the decline of parliament thesis.
I was quite confused while I writing it. Help would be greatly appreciated because at this point I feel like I simply rambled on with information rather answering the question. Advice on what I should do instead would be of great help  :-[
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 05, 2017, 12:57:31 am
Quote from: rodero on March 04, 2017, 10:40:55 am
Hey guys,
It would be great if I could have my essay marked in response to the question:
Investigate a contemporary human rights issue and evaluate the effectiveness of legal and non-legal responses to the issue. 15 marks

In particular, what areas can I cull in this essay? I need to write this AND 3x 5 markers in one hour  and I know that I can't have an essay this length in the exam. Also, my first paragraph is on legal measures on an international scale. Should i have that much evidence on the abolition of slavery or is this irrelevant to human trafficking? I was thinking maybe I could replace this with a few mentions of either ICESCR, ICCPR or ICC and ICJ with mention of human trafficking for the purpose of child soldiers, since that's more contemporary. I'd also like to incorporate more media reports but at the same time I need to balance this with the word limit. Right now this sits on 1037 words, which I want to cut down to 900. Sorry for any grammatical errors or disjointed sentences, it's my first draft and I got a bit sick of essay writing towards the end  :P Thanks in advance!

Hey rodero! Would love to give you some feedback - See the spoiler below! ;D

Spoiler
Investigate a contemporary human rights issue and evaluate the effectiveness of legal and non-legal responses to the issue. 15 marks


The changing values of human society have resulted in greater emphasis on the abolition of human trafficking and slavery. Undeniably, the combination of legal and nonlegal responses have been moderately effective in minimising violations to human rights, on both a domestic and international level. I think you need to create a stronger link to human rights before launching into your evaluation, just to make sure you address the question. Despite Australia’s efficiencies in upholding these fundamental rights, international measures require further enforceability and promotion, for human rights to be upheld universally. Nice Thesis! Direct, to the point - I like it! The argument is sophisticated - Domestic good, international not so much. Great work there too.

The first legal recognition of human rights occurred on an international level, and effectively provided a catalyst for reform world-wide. The rapid spread of the abolitionist movement in the 18th century is largely credited to the efforts of William Wilberforce, and his campaign against slavery. His efforts pressured global legal responses, including the Slave Trade Act 1807 (UK); Britain’s first codified law prohibiting human trafficking. This historical information, I would say that it is fairly irrelevant. It doesn't really relate to the effectiveness of responses to the issue today. However, 'investigating' the issue could involve some historical information being in the essay? Perhaps check your criteria to be sure ;D The effectiveness of such legal responses is evident in the implementation of various legislation, such as the Slavery Abolition Act 1833 (UK) and the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America in 1865. These preceding legal responses highlight measures to prohibit human trafficking for the intention of forced labour, effectively upholding fundamental human rights. Which human rights specifically? Again, we've not quite made that last step of linking human trafficking to human rights just yet. The promotion of these rights culminate following the creation of the United Nations (UN) and the creation of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR); Article 4 states that ‘no one shall be held in slavery or servitude’. Nice reference. However, the UDHR is classified as ‘soft law’ due to it’s lack of enforceability, thus compromising its effectiveness in preventing human trafficking. Fabulous - Would be good to pop a case study in here as an example. Similarly, the UN Convention on the Protocol to Prevent, Suppress and Punish Trafficking in Persons 2000, aimed to protect individuals from, and punish offenders for human trafficking. Despite providing the first universally agreed definition on human trafficking, the UN has been criticised as being a ‘toothless tiger’ due to its incapability to punish offenders, and its heavy reliance on compliance by sovereign states. Therefore, it is undeniable that international legal measures catalysed the abolition of human trafficking and slavery, though it’s effectiveness in the modern era is limited due to a lack of enforceability. I LOVE the argument you are presenting, it is taking centre stage and it is argued really, really well. Check your criteria to see, but I think that historical information at the start could go and be replaced with a more argument based introduction.

Moreover, the implementation of non-legal initiatives have been vastly effective in the promotion of human rights, through its ability to raise awareness and pressure government measures against human trafficking. Fabulous introduction. The effective role of NGOs is evident in the UK-American Anti Slavery Group, which has advocated for the rights of people and the abolition of human trafficking since 1839. These non-legal measures have been enhanced following the establishment of the Global Initiative to Fight Human Trafficking; A UN initiative that works alongside NGOs in their campaigns and provides assistance to victims. Excellent example. According to the National Association of Attorneys General, ‘collaborating with NGOs is essential in all facets of addressing the crime of modern-day trafficking’, which highlights the necessity of NGOs in upholding human rights on a universal scale. Nice use of quote - And it isn't doing the work for you either, just improving your already established argument, which is excellent. Furthermore, the International Labour Organisation (ILO)  supports the implementation of basic workers rights worldwide, particularly the rights of human trafficking victims. Despite international measures, their policies are not legally binding, so are limited to simply raising awareness and pressuring government bodies. Be sure to be specific in saying that these are representative of ineffectiveness - The argument needs to be obvious in every step of the paragraph. The ILO emphasises the essentiality of further progress, with their estimate of a current 21 million victims of human trafficking. That sentence a little unnecessary - Could ditch it, but I know it plays into your conclusion to the paragraph. Tough call, aha! Therefore, the role of non-legal measures have clearly contributed to the promotion and enforcement of human rights, though progress must still be done alongside government bodies for these rights to be experienced on a global scale. Fabulous paragraph, really well argued!

Likewise, human trafficking has been addressed on a domestic level, and has achieved high degrees of success as a result of legal measures. Watch syntax there - It sounds like you are saying human trafficking has been successful (sorry, nitpick ;)) The first codified recognition of human rights in Australia was established in the Criminal Code (Slavery and Sexual Servitude) Amendment Act 1999 (Cth), which makes human trafficking and slavery a crime and thus, punishable by the state. This legislation allowed for the first conviction of a woman for sex slavery in Australia in the case R v Wei Tang 2009. Tang’s 10 year conviction effectively set a binding precedent from the High Court, stating that prosecutors must only need to prove the offender’s intent to exercise powers attaching to ownership. Some fabulous examples above, EXCEPT that you didn't analyse any of them! There was no evaluation in those examples, it was just statement of fact - Be really careful not to fall into that trap. The effectiveness of Australia’s legal measures are supported in the 2012 Trafficking in Persons report, which classifies Australia as a Tier 1 country in best preventing human trafficking offences. Nice! I like when people use less obvious examples - It gives depth to the response. These government measures are heightened in the 2004 Commonwealth Action Plan to Eradicate Trafficking in Persons, which announced a total contribution of $58.7 million AUD in funding; This effectively united the police, the immigration department and NGOs to cooperate and respond to human trafficking domestically. Any specific measures that came from this action plan? Therefore, legal measures adopted by the Australian government have been exceedingly effective in the enforceability of human trafficking violations, and the protection of fundamental human rights. Excellent paragraph! Watch that you are always evaluating, and in terms of trimming words, you could perhaps ditch the Action Plan piece of evidence - Without any tangible outcomes from it, it isn't doing a whole lot for you.

Furthermore, Australian non-legal measures have operated effectively on a domestic level to raise awareness and contribute to the abolition of human trafficking and slavery. In particular, the role of NGOs and the media have been crucial to reward Australia with its aforementioned Tier 1 classification by the TIP. These efficiencies can be credited to media documentaries, such as ‘Trafficked’ in 2006, which achieved over 500,000 viewers and informed the audience of sexual slavery in Australia. Great piece of evidence - Excellent work on going further with it than just listing it as another example. Undeniably, the ability for media to educate the Australian population is an essential factor which promotes action by NGOs and government bodies. These non-legal measures are enhanced by the University of Technology Sydney’s Anti Slavery Project, which works alongside government agencies to advertise and eliminate modern slavery. According to the UTS Newsroom, The UTS Anti-Slavery Project has been ‘hailed number one in the world’, as an NGO that has ‘real potential to effect social change’. However, these positive measures do not completely eradicate the issue of human trafficking; The Global Survey Index estimates an approximate 3000 people experiencing slavery in Australia. Therefore, non-legal measures within Australia have evidently had an immense degree of effectiveness in abolishing human trafficking, though it  requires further progress to provide fundamental human rights to all. Not much to say for this paragraph - As equally effective as all those above ;D

Conclusively, the combination of legal and nonlegal responses to human trafficking have upheld human rights and provided justice to a moderate extent. Although domestic measures have certainly achieved a high degree of effectiveness, the lack of enforceability on an international level limits the ability for human rights to be experienced universally. Simple conclusion, but it does the job. If you have time you could expand and restate your argument more fully, but this definitely still works.

Seriously brilliant essay rodero, definitely looking in that Band 5/Band 6 range!! You have put the argument at the centre of your response, which is exactly what you need to do for an evaluate question. A heap of excellent examples which for the most part are very well linked to that argument - There are not really many negative things I can say about this essay, it's wonderful :)

That said, it's my job to give you a few ;)

First, just watch that you are answering the question properly by establishing a link to human rights. This can be done in your Thesis and then relatively ignored from that point, but it does need to be done (linking to specific articles in the UDHR/ICCPR/ICESCR would be the most impressive way to do that) ;D

As for that abolition of slavery stuff, as I said in the comments throughout, I do think its a little irrelevant. Check with your criteria and your teacher to confirm that "investigating" the issue doesn't need a historical aspect. If it doesn't, that stuff can definitely be removed/replaced at your leisure ;D

You could definitely integrate stuff on child soldiers if you like, but I don't view it as 'missing' per say! Like, your essay doesn't need that extra information unless you want it. Ditto with the media reports - They'd be nice but definitely not necessary :)

Read through my comments above for a few other niggling issues, but on the whole, this is an excellent response! Seriously great stuff rodero :) :) :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: rodero on March 05, 2017, 04:04:37 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on March 05, 2017, 12:57:31 am
Hey rodero! Would love to give you some feedback - See the spoiler below! ;D

Spoiler
Investigate a contemporary human rights issue and evaluate the effectiveness of legal and non-legal responses to the issue. 15 marks


The changing values of human society have resulted in greater emphasis on the abolition of human trafficking and slavery. Undeniably, the combination of legal and nonlegal responses have been moderately effective in minimising violations to human rights, on both a domestic and international level. I think you need to create a stronger link to human rights before launching into your evaluation, just to make sure you address the question. Despite Australia’s efficiencies in upholding these fundamental rights, international measures require further enforceability and promotion, for human rights to be upheld universally. Nice Thesis! Direct, to the point - I like it! The argument is sophisticated - Domestic good, international not so much. Great work there too.

The first legal recognition of human rights occurred on an international level, and effectively provided a catalyst for reform world-wide. The rapid spread of the abolitionist movement in the 18th century is largely credited to the efforts of William Wilberforce, and his campaign against slavery. His efforts pressured global legal responses, including the Slave Trade Act 1807 (UK); Britain’s first codified law prohibiting human trafficking. This historical information, I would say that it is fairly irrelevant. It doesn't really relate to the effectiveness of responses to the issue today. However, 'investigating' the issue could involve some historical information being in the essay? Perhaps check your criteria to be sure ;D The effectiveness of such legal responses is evident in the implementation of various legislation, such as the Slavery Abolition Act 1833 (UK) and the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America in 1865. These preceding legal responses highlight measures to prohibit human trafficking for the intention of forced labour, effectively upholding fundamental human rights. Which human rights specifically? Again, we've not quite made that last step of linking human trafficking to human rights just yet. The promotion of these rights culminate following the creation of the United Nations (UN) and the creation of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR); Article 4 states that ‘no one shall be held in slavery or servitude’. Nice reference. However, the UDHR is classified as ‘soft law’ due to it’s lack of enforceability, thus compromising its effectiveness in preventing human trafficking. Fabulous - Would be good to pop a case study in here as an example. Similarly, the UN Convention on the Protocol to Prevent, Suppress and Punish Trafficking in Persons 2000, aimed to protect individuals from, and punish offenders for human trafficking. Despite providing the first universally agreed definition on human trafficking, the UN has been criticised as being a ‘toothless tiger’ due to its incapability to punish offenders, and its heavy reliance on compliance by sovereign states. Therefore, it is undeniable that international legal measures catalysed the abolition of human trafficking and slavery, though it’s effectiveness in the modern era is limited due to a lack of enforceability. I LOVE the argument you are presenting, it is taking centre stage and it is argued really, really well. Check your criteria to see, but I think that historical information at the start could go and be replaced with a more argument based introduction.

Moreover, the implementation of non-legal initiatives have been vastly effective in the promotion of human rights, through its ability to raise awareness and pressure government measures against human trafficking. Fabulous introduction. The effective role of NGOs is evident in the UK-American Anti Slavery Group, which has advocated for the rights of people and the abolition of human trafficking since 1839. These non-legal measures have been enhanced following the establishment of the Global Initiative to Fight Human Trafficking; A UN initiative that works alongside NGOs in their campaigns and provides assistance to victims. Excellent example. According to the National Association of Attorneys General, ‘collaborating with NGOs is essential in all facets of addressing the crime of modern-day trafficking’, which highlights the necessity of NGOs in upholding human rights on a universal scale. Nice use of quote - And it isn't doing the work for you either, just improving your already established argument, which is excellent. Furthermore, the International Labour Organisation (ILO)  supports the implementation of basic workers rights worldwide, particularly the rights of human trafficking victims. Despite international measures, their policies are not legally binding, so are limited to simply raising awareness and pressuring government bodies. Be sure to be specific in saying that these are representative of ineffectiveness - The argument needs to be obvious in every step of the paragraph. The ILO emphasises the essentiality of further progress, with their estimate of a current 21 million victims of human trafficking. That sentence a little unnecessary - Could ditch it, but I know it plays into your conclusion to the paragraph. Tough call, aha! Therefore, the role of non-legal measures have clearly contributed to the promotion and enforcement of human rights, though progress must still be done alongside government bodies for these rights to be experienced on a global scale. Fabulous paragraph, really well argued!

Likewise, human trafficking has been addressed on a domestic level, and has achieved high degrees of success as a result of legal measures. Watch syntax there - It sounds like you are saying human trafficking has been successful (sorry, nitpick ;)) The first codified recognition of human rights in Australia was established in the Criminal Code (Slavery and Sexual Servitude) Amendment Act 1999 (Cth), which makes human trafficking and slavery a crime and thus, punishable by the state. This legislation allowed for the first conviction of a woman for sex slavery in Australia in the case R v Wei Tang 2009. Tang’s 10 year conviction effectively set a binding precedent from the High Court, stating that prosecutors must only need to prove the offender’s intent to exercise powers attaching to ownership. Some fabulous examples above, EXCEPT that you didn't analyse any of them! There was no evaluation in those examples, it was just statement of fact - Be really careful not to fall into that trap. The effectiveness of Australia’s legal measures are supported in the 2012 Trafficking in Persons report, which classifies Australia as a Tier 1 country in best preventing human trafficking offences. Nice! I like when people use less obvious examples - It gives depth to the response. These government measures are heightened in the 2004 Commonwealth Action Plan to Eradicate Trafficking in Persons, which announced a total contribution of $58.7 million AUD in funding; This effectively united the police, the immigration department and NGOs to cooperate and respond to human trafficking domestically. Any specific measures that came from this action plan? Therefore, legal measures adopted by the Australian government have been exceedingly effective in the enforceability of human trafficking violations, and the protection of fundamental human rights. Excellent paragraph! Watch that you are always evaluating, and in terms of trimming words, you could perhaps ditch the Action Plan piece of evidence - Without any tangible outcomes from it, it isn't doing a whole lot for you.

Furthermore, Australian non-legal measures have operated effectively on a domestic level to raise awareness and contribute to the abolition of human trafficking and slavery. In particular, the role of NGOs and the media have been crucial to reward Australia with its aforementioned Tier 1 classification by the TIP. These efficiencies can be credited to media documentaries, such as ‘Trafficked’ in 2006, which achieved over 500,000 viewers and informed the audience of sexual slavery in Australia. Great piece of evidence - Excellent work on going further with it than just listing it as another example. Undeniably, the ability for media to educate the Australian population is an essential factor which promotes action by NGOs and government bodies. These non-legal measures are enhanced by the University of Technology Sydney’s Anti Slavery Project, which works alongside government agencies to advertise and eliminate modern slavery. According to the UTS Newsroom, The UTS Anti-Slavery Project has been ‘hailed number one in the world’, as an NGO that has ‘real potential to effect social change’. However, these positive measures do not completely eradicate the issue of human trafficking; The Global Survey Index estimates an approximate 3000 people experiencing slavery in Australia. Therefore, non-legal measures within Australia have evidently had an immense degree of effectiveness in abolishing human trafficking, though it  requires further progress to provide fundamental human rights to all. Not much to say for this paragraph - As equally effective as all those above ;D

Conclusively, the combination of legal and nonlegal responses to human trafficking have upheld human rights and provided justice to a moderate extent. Although domestic measures have certainly achieved a high degree of effectiveness, the lack of enforceability on an international level limits the ability for human rights to be experienced universally. Simple conclusion, but it does the job. If you have time you could expand and restate your argument more fully, but this definitely still works.

Seriously brilliant essay rodero, definitely looking in that Band 5/Band 6 range!! You have put the argument at the centre of your response, which is exactly what you need to do for an evaluate question. A heap of excellent examples which for the most part are very well linked to that argument - There are not really many negative things I can say about this essay, it's wonderful :)

That said, it's my job to give you a few ;)

First, just watch that you are answering the question properly by establishing a link to human rights. This can be done in your Thesis and then relatively ignored from that point, but it does need to be done (linking to specific articles in the UDHR/ICCPR/ICESCR would be the most impressive way to do that) ;D

As for that abolition of slavery stuff, as I said in the comments throughout, I do think its a little irrelevant. Check with your criteria and your teacher to confirm that "investigating" the issue doesn't need a historical aspect. If it doesn't, that stuff can definitely be removed/replaced at your leisure ;D

You could definitely integrate stuff on child soldiers if you like, but I don't view it as 'missing' per say! Like, your essay doesn't need that extra information unless you want it. Ditto with the media reports - They'd be nice but definitely not necessary :)

Read through my comments above for a few other niggling issues, but on the whole, this is an excellent response! Seriously great stuff rodero :) :) :)

Thanks Jamon :) I've switched the historical part of slavery with human trafficking for the purpose of child soldiers. Thanks to the feedback I noticed that my essay was just a bunch of evidence dumping with little evaluation. I've decided to have less evidence with more analysis. This way i'm not including any irrelevant measures which don't support my argument. So far this has been really good in culling my essay, so thanks again!  :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 05, 2017, 04:45:12 pm
Quote from: rodero on March 05, 2017, 04:04:37 pm
Thanks Jamon :) I've switched the historical part of slavery with human trafficking for the purpose of child soldiers. Thanks to the feedback I noticed that my essay was just a bunch of evidence dumping with little evaluation. I've decided to have less evidence with more analysis. This way i'm not including any irrelevant measures which don't support my argument. So far this has been really good in culling my essay, so thanks again!  :)

You are welcome! I'd say you did a nice job with evaluating on the whole, but I'm glad you've spotted some places it could be improved further :) sounds like a plan, best of luck with it! Feel free to come back with another draft down the road if you like ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: anotherworld2b on March 05, 2017, 11:36:51 pm
Feedback on what examples that could strength my response would be helpful as well because my test is on Tuesday :)

Quote from: anotherworld2b on March 04, 2017, 08:54:18 pm
Hi I was wondering if I can get feedback on this essay on the decline of parliament thesis.
I was quite confused while I writing it. Help would be greatly appreciated because at this point I feel like I simply rambled on with information rather answering the question. Advice on what I should do instead would be of great help  :-[
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 05, 2017, 11:58:25 pm
Quote from: anotherworld2b on March 05, 2017, 11:36:51 pm
Feedback on what examples that could strength my response would be helpful as well because my test is on Tuesday :)

Yep yep, it's on my to do list for tomorrow morning, but that does fall outside the realms of the HSC, so my feedback might be of limited use :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: anotherworld2b on March 06, 2017, 12:30:54 am
Any feedback would be appreciated. I think the major problem in my essay is that there is no clear structure to answer the question. Advice on how to fix it will be of great help  ;D
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on March 05, 2017, 11:58:25 pm
Yep yep, it's on my to do list for tomorrow morning, but that does fall outside the realms of the HSC, so my feedback might be of limited use :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 06, 2017, 05:15:10 am
Quote from: anotherworld2b on March 05, 2017, 11:36:51 pm
Feedback on what examples that could strength my response would be helpful as well because my test is on Tuesday :)

Goooood morning anotherworld :) Thanks for always sticking around the forums, even though the help is limited because we have a different syllabus! You're super dedicated and I really hope your marks reflect this in the end! :)

Spoiler
There are four main roles of the Commonwealth Parliament. These roles include the Legislative Function, the Representative Function, the Responsibility Function, and the debate function which acts as a Forum for Debate.The decline of Australian? Parliament is evident in how it fails fulfill its key functions All 4 key functions? Just some key functions? Be a little more specific in which functions. . It fails to provide effective scrutiny of Bills in theory because of tactics employed by the executive in practise; members of Parliament are loyal to parties rather than to their electorate; and because of the dominance of the executive, it is not effective as a forum for debate.

The Legislative function parliament should initiate, deliberate and finally pass legislation, New sentence here. however, successful scrutiny of bills have declined in the 55th Parliament. Parliament is bicameral and makes laws that can be initiated by any member of Parliament. In theory these laws are scrutinised by the ‘statutory process’ (derived from British practice) in which in depth analysis ensures ‘good legislation’ and if necessary amended by parliament. Again in theory, the legislative function of Parliament should have a committee stage which provides opportunities for expert advice and non partisan highly detailed work on the bill. However, in practice the legislative is dominated by the executive in which executive tactics are used to dominate the house of Representatives, which prevents it from fulfilling its essential functions .Executive tactics such as gag, guillotin and floodgating all share the same goal in limiting the time in which bills are scrutinised. Furthermore in practise, few Bills are really initiated in the House of Representatives, opportunities for debate are limited, and government legislation is assured passage through the House. Can you get a stat to say exactly how many? It is evident that the fulfillment of the legislative function has strayed and declined. A modern example of executive dominance is the 2015, in which the Opposition Leader Bill Shorten and Deputy Opposition Tanya Plibersek co-sponsored a private Members Bill called the marriage Amendment Bill 2015 to legislate for marriage equality.

Another role of the Commonwealth parliament is the Representative function that specifies Parliament should provide a voice for the interests and opinions of electors. In theory the House of Representatives should act in the interests of their constituents through either delegate or trustee representation. The Australian public expects Parliament to reflect the will of the people as per the intentions of the democratic process of election; for MHRs to represent the views and interests of their electorate; and that the Parliament reflects a broad cross-section of society. However, in practise the House of Representatives tend to act in the interest of their parties through partisan representation.This may be due to the fact that members of the house of Representative only serve a 3 year term in which party loyalty will play a beneficial part in their upcoming election due to the fact that electors tend to vote according to party rather than for individual candidates. In parliament, Members of the house of Representatives follow the party line. In the ALP, parliamentarians are pledged to support the party policy and vote as a bloc in parliament. The Liberal Party theoretically gives members the free vote, but they almost always vote according to party policy reflecting the influence of party solidarity. In theory the Senate should act in the interests of their state as reflected by ’Sovereign State Interest’ in which senate was created ‘to represent the interest of the six sovereign states within commonwealth Parliament’. In practice the extent of decline of parliament in the Senate seems to be of a lesser magnitude. This may be due to the length of term in which a senator serves is twice as long as a member of the House of Representatives. This implies that the pressure to be elected again is of a lesser extent which suggests that mirror representation is stronger. There are few examples of delegate/trustee representation. One of them is when Liberal Member of Parliament Sharman Stone acted in the interests of her constituents over the possible closure of SPC Ardmona, a fruit canning business, in her Victorian electorate of Murray in 2014. She criticised her own Liberal party government over its decision not to offer financial support to the company. Thus...then we need to move back to the evaluative statement, we've ended on evidence, when ending on a judgement re-enforces your argument.

The accountability and responsibility function is required to hold all decisions and actions made by executive power accountable by carrying out scrutiny of government administration.  This involves collective ministerial responsibility in which governments take collective responsibility for their decisions and should resign if the lower house passes a successful vote of no confidence. It also involves individual ministerial responsibility where Ministers are accountable to parliament for their conduct and should resign if parliament passes a censure motion against them.  In theory scrutinising government spending is a key role of the responsibility function in which money bills pass through parliament. A modern example in which a minister resigned before a censure motion was passed against them due to suspected government spending of taxpayer money is the scandal involving Health Minister Sussan Ley purchased a $800k unit on taxpayer-funded trip to the Gold Coast which ultimately resulted her resignation. In practice the government consists of the party with majority support in the lower house with its leader becoming the Prime Minister. Governments must resign if they lose the support of the house. But the majority requirement in the House of Representatives ensures that the government dominates.This is because in reality, the house will almost never lose the support of the lower house since it controls the votes of the members (party solidarity) who make up that majority. This means that the effectiveness of individual and collective ministerial responsibility are not effective in practice. Motions of no-confidence and censure motions moved by the Opposition will always be defeated ‘on party lines’ in the House of Representatives which means ‘partisan’ Members of Parliament simply vote to support their party’s position which is another reason why individual and collective responsibility are not effective in practice. Great analysis at the end here!

The forum of debate function is where Parliament is expected to discuss and debate issues of national importance. Parliamentary committees often investigate and report on general issues, which provides an opportunity for the awareness of community views to the raised. In theory the House of Representatives is a House of debate. Opportunities to debate include ministerial, grievances and second readings which are linked to the responsibility, representative and legislative functions respectively. However in practice during debate, government can use the gag, guillotine and floodgating to limit discussion and quickly pass bills. This causes the House of Representatives to suffer from the dominance of the executive in parliament. Furthermore Government can restrict opportunities when it allocates time for the sitting day. This means that time can be manipulated in a way that will result in the government always winning such as making it the longest items on the sitting day agenda. In addition grievances, urgency motions, matters of Public Importance , adjournment and other other debate opportunities are diminished when the government extends government business. Collectively the limit imposed debate during the legislative process further complies to the decline of parliament thesis.

Parliament is unsuccessful in fulfilling its roles which is supported by the ‘decline of parliament’ thesis. Parliament is expected to represent the whole of Australia by scrutinizing bills but is now dominated by major parties, Members are loyal to their party rather than their electorate, and Bills only have limited time to be debated.

Despite what you think, I think this has a very clear structure. You're approaching each arm of parliament per paragraph and I think it works really well.

I think you've hardly approached the idea of the "decline of Parliament." Instead, we've given all the reason it fails, but decline insinuates at some point the quality was higher, and it is going down. I think comparative facts would be very useful in this time. I mentioned above that a stat on the number of bills introduced would be great for your argument, but what would be even better for the "decline" thesis is to measure this against a previous time. You've certainly argued well that the Parliament does not fulfill it's job - it fails. But the "decline" idea only appears strongly in your intro and conclusion. I'd love to see it more!

What I'd love to see more of is comparative facts that make your point powerful. You argue the theory and the practice well with your words, but I'm forced to trust that you're telling the truth because there's no persuasive facts. I believe you are telling the truth! But in a HSC essay, such facts would be required for the top works, so I assume it's similar in your system too.

Overall, I think this is a really solid piece and you know the ins and outs of Parliament far better than I, you should be pleased!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 06, 2017, 09:13:50 am
Quote from: elysepopplewell on March 06, 2017, 05:15:10 am
Overall, I think this is a really solid piece and you know the ins and outs of Parliament far better than I, you should be pleased!

Thanks for tagging in! ;D I momentarily forgot the time zone difference and was flabbergasted you were marking at 6am ;)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: anotherworld2b on March 06, 2017, 10:20:25 am
Thank you so much for your feedback
Quote from: elysepopplewell on March 06, 2017, 05:15:10 am
Goooood morning anotherworld :) Thanks for always sticking around the forums, even though the help is limited because we have a different syllabus! You're super dedicated and I really hope your marks reflect this in the end! :)

Spoiler
There are four main roles of the Commonwealth Parliament. These roles include the Legislative Function, the Representative Function, the Responsibility Function, and the debate function which acts as a Forum for Debate.The decline of Australian? Parliament is evident in how it fails fulfill its key functions All 4 key functions? Just some key functions? Be a little more specific in which functions. . It fails to provide effective scrutiny of Bills in theory because of tactics employed by the executive in practise; members of Parliament are loyal to parties rather than to their electorate; and because of the dominance of the executive, it is not effective as a forum for debate.

The Legislative function parliament should initiate, deliberate and finally pass legislation, New sentence here. however, successful scrutiny of bills have declined in the 55th Parliament. Parliament is bicameral and makes laws that can be initiated by any member of Parliament. In theory these laws are scrutinised by the ‘statutory process’ (derived from British practice) in which in depth analysis ensures ‘good legislation’ and if necessary amended by parliament. Again in theory, the legislative function of Parliament should have a committee stage which provides opportunities for expert advice and non partisan highly detailed work on the bill. However, in practice the legislative is dominated by the executive in which executive tactics are used to dominate the house of Representatives, which prevents it from fulfilling its essential functions .Executive tactics such as gag, guillotin and floodgating all share the same goal in limiting the time in which bills are scrutinised. Furthermore in practise, few Bills are really initiated in the House of Representatives, opportunities for debate are limited, and government legislation is assured passage through the House. Can you get a stat to say exactly how many? It is evident that the fulfillment of the legislative function has strayed and declined. A modern example of executive dominance is the 2015, in which the Opposition Leader Bill Shorten and Deputy Opposition Tanya Plibersek co-sponsored a private Members Bill called the marriage Amendment Bill 2015 to legislate for marriage equality.

Another role of the Commonwealth parliament is the Representative function that specifies Parliament should provide a voice for the interests and opinions of electors. In theory the House of Representatives should act in the interests of their constituents through either delegate or trustee representation. The Australian public expects Parliament to reflect the will of the people as per the intentions of the democratic process of election; for MHRs to represent the views and interests of their electorate; and that the Parliament reflects a broad cross-section of society. However, in practise the House of Representatives tend to act in the interest of their parties through partisan representation.This may be due to the fact that members of the house of Representative only serve a 3 year term in which party loyalty will play a beneficial part in their upcoming election due to the fact that electors tend to vote according to party rather than for individual candidates. In parliament, Members of the house of Representatives follow the party line. In the ALP, parliamentarians are pledged to support the party policy and vote as a bloc in parliament. The Liberal Party theoretically gives members the free vote, but they almost always vote according to party policy reflecting the influence of party solidarity. In theory the Senate should act in the interests of their state as reflected by ’Sovereign State Interest’ in which senate was created ‘to represent the interest of the six sovereign states within commonwealth Parliament’. In practice the extent of decline of parliament in the Senate seems to be of a lesser magnitude. This may be due to the length of term in which a senator serves is twice as long as a member of the House of Representatives. This implies that the pressure to be elected again is of a lesser extent which suggests that mirror representation is stronger. There are few examples of delegate/trustee representation. One of them is when Liberal Member of Parliament Sharman Stone acted in the interests of her constituents over the possible closure of SPC Ardmona, a fruit canning business, in her Victorian electorate of Murray in 2014. She criticised her own Liberal party government over its decision not to offer financial support to the company. Thus...then we need to move back to the evaluative statement, we've ended on evidence, when ending on a judgement re-enforces your argument.

The accountability and responsibility function is required to hold all decisions and actions made by executive power accountable by carrying out scrutiny of government administration.  This involves collective ministerial responsibility in which governments take collective responsibility for their decisions and should resign if the lower house passes a successful vote of no confidence. It also involves individual ministerial responsibility where Ministers are accountable to parliament for their conduct and should resign if parliament passes a censure motion against them.  In theory scrutinising government spending is a key role of the responsibility function in which money bills pass through parliament. A modern example in which a minister resigned before a censure motion was passed against them due to suspected government spending of taxpayer money is the scandal involving Health Minister Sussan Ley purchased a $800k unit on taxpayer-funded trip to the Gold Coast which ultimately resulted her resignation. In practice the government consists of the party with majority support in the lower house with its leader becoming the Prime Minister. Governments must resign if they lose the support of the house. But the majority requirement in the House of Representatives ensures that the government dominates.This is because in reality, the house will almost never lose the support of the lower house since it controls the votes of the members (party solidarity) who make up that majority. This means that the effectiveness of individual and collective ministerial responsibility are not effective in practice. Motions of no-confidence and censure motions moved by the Opposition will always be defeated ‘on party lines’ in the House of Representatives which means ‘partisan’ Members of Parliament simply vote to support their party’s position which is another reason why individual and collective responsibility are not effective in practice. Great analysis at the end here!

The forum of debate function is where Parliament is expected to discuss and debate issues of national importance. Parliamentary committees often investigate and report on general issues, which provides an opportunity for the awareness of community views to the raised. In theory the House of Representatives is a House of debate. Opportunities to debate include ministerial, grievances and second readings which are linked to the responsibility, representative and legislative functions respectively. However in practice during debate, government can use the gag, guillotine and floodgating to limit discussion and quickly pass bills. This causes the House of Representatives to suffer from the dominance of the executive in parliament. Furthermore Government can restrict opportunities when it allocates time for the sitting day. This means that time can be manipulated in a way that will result in the government always winning such as making it the longest items on the sitting day agenda. In addition grievances, urgency motions, matters of Public Importance , adjournment and other other debate opportunities are diminished when the government extends government business. Collectively the limit imposed debate during the legislative process further complies to the decline of parliament thesis.

Parliament is unsuccessful in fulfilling its roles which is supported by the ‘decline of parliament’ thesis. Parliament is expected to represent the whole of Australia by scrutinizing bills but is now dominated by major parties, Members are loyal to their party rather than their electorate, and Bills only have limited time to be debated.

Despite what you think, I think this has a very clear structure. You're approaching each arm of parliament per paragraph and I think it works really well.

I think you've hardly approached the idea of the "decline of Parliament." Instead, we've given all the reason it fails, but decline insinuates at some point the quality was higher, and it is going down. I think comparative facts would be very useful in this time. I mentioned above that a stat on the number of bills introduced would be great for your argument, but what would be even better for the "decline" thesis is to measure this against a previous time. You've certainly argued well that the Parliament does not fulfill it's job - it fails. But the "decline" idea only appears strongly in your intro and conclusion. I'd love to see it more!

What I'd love to see more of is comparative facts that make your point powerful. You argue the theory and the practice well with your words, but I'm forced to trust that you're telling the truth because there's no persuasive facts. I believe you are telling the truth! But in a HSC essay, such facts would be required for the top works, so I assume it's similar in your system too.

Overall, I think this is a really solid piece and you know the ins and outs of Parliament far better than I, you should be pleased!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 06, 2017, 07:51:40 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on March 06, 2017, 09:13:50 am
Thanks for tagging in! ;D I momentarily forgot the time zone difference and was flabbergasted you were marking at 6am ;)

Not a worry! It's nice to be online after twilight ;)
Quote from: anotherworld2b on March 06, 2017, 10:20:25 am
Thank you so much for your feedback

That's ok! Let me know how you go :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: grace.estelle on March 18, 2017, 05:28:00 pm
Hi Jamon, could you please check my essay and help me cut down. I am doing family law  ;D

My in-class exam is on Monday and I am so nervous because my teacher keeps telling me she can't check any part of my writing  :'( sorry its such late notice but any feedback is appreciated!

When you are marking, could you also suggest as to how I can manipulate my current examples/evidence to fit a question that focuses on the theme of 'encouraging cooperation and conflict' in regards to the contemporary issues?
Thank you!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 19, 2017, 01:05:46 pm
Quote from: grace.estelle on March 18, 2017, 05:28:00 pm
Hi Jamon, could you please check my essay and help me cut down. I am doing family law  ;D

My in-class exam is on Monday and I am so nervous because my teacher keeps telling me she can't check any part of my writing  :'( sorry its such late notice but any feedback is appreciated!

When you are marking, could you also suggest as to how I can manipulate my current examples/evidence to fit a question that focuses on the theme of 'encouraging cooperation and conflict' in regards to the contemporary issues?
Thank you!

I'll definitely get you some feedback on this before your exam tomorrow Grace! It might not be until this evening though unfortunately  :-\
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: mylinh-nguyen on March 19, 2017, 04:28:38 pm
I have an essay question and I do not know what to discuss, the question is "to what extent does the law reflect the moral and ethical standards of society"
I was going to write about bail but I don't know what else to include. Any help would be appreciated :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: grace.estelle on March 19, 2017, 05:53:00 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on March 19, 2017, 01:05:46 pm
I'll definitely get you some feedback on this before your exam tomorrow Grace! It might not be until this evening though unfortunately  :-\

No worries, I can wait  ;D thanks so much Jamon!!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 19, 2017, 06:55:38 pm
Alright Grace, here you are! Essay is below with comments in bold:

Essay with Feedback
To what extent has law reform been effective in dealing with contemporary issues concerning family members?

The law has been highly effective in initiating changes to maximise the care and protection of children, including changing the nature of parental responsibility in order to achieve this. Nice and direct Thesis to answer the question!! You could make it more sophisticated by saying WHY it is important to deal with the issue. You could also follow it up by saying the "most effective ways encourage cooperation," to link to that extra theme you specified. However, the legal system has largely failed to introduce laws that adequately address the issues surrounding the use of birth technologies and the conduct of surrogacy. Similarly with the recognition of same-sex relationships, the government implements new changes to grant couples more rights. To a large extent, the legal system has only been somewhat effective in dealing with contemporary issues in family law. Nice Thesis! Sets up the varying views you will take on the contemporary issues - As aforementioned, I'd like to see you add something at the start to set up the argument, rather than jumping straight into "This works, this doesn't."

Reforms have to a large extent, been successful in ensuring that the care and protection of children are of paramount importance. The influence of the United Nation’s Convention on the Rights of the Child (CROC) 1989 can be seen through its ratification in the Family Law Reform Act 1995 (Cth). In making these legislative changes, Family Courts make considered decisions based on the ‘best interests of the child,’ hence increasing their level of protection, domestically. Nice link of the treaty to domestic law - Excellent! Again you could say to "achieve cooperative outcomes" to link to that other theme. However, as evident in the case of R v BW and SW, parents faced imprisonment due to the neglect and starvation of their daughter Ebony and while the law was enforced, it highlighted that the law has failed to protect the child. In a similar case seen in The Australian’s 2007 article ‘Starved Shellay’s death of torture’, the Department of Community Services (DoCS) was aware of Shellay’s welfare as far back as 2004 but failed to take further measures which highlights that the law failed significantly in protecting childrens’ safety. Furthermore, in 2007, it was found that more than 150 children who had previously been known to DoCS died at the hands of their abusive parents. Do you have a source for this? It would increase your credibility. This called for major reforms to not only increase child care and protection, but also to introduce an enforceable ‘follow-up’ mechanism that will enable DoCS or other services to regularly monitor children ‘at risk of significant harm.’ The Wood Inquiry Report 2008 came about as a result of these highly publicised deaths, and the government was highly responsive in reforming the Children and Young Persons (Care and Protection) Act 1998 (NSW) to become the Children Legislation Amendment (Wood Inquiry Recommendations) Act 2009. What specific benefits did this bring about? In the same year, the NSW government further introduced the Keep Them Safe (KTS) scheme, a five year plan to improve the quantity and accessibility of early intervention services. As highlighted in the KTS Outcomes Evaluation Final Report, this scheme was highly effective in reducing the number of reports of children ‘at risk of significant harm.’ This short term success limits the scheme’s effectiveness, but nevertheless, KTS has provided a platform for future improvements in child care and protection by making early intervention services much more accessible. Fantastic analysis - You are considering things carefully and not just using blanket terms. Thus, while the legal system has been highly responsive towards these issues, its effectiveness is hindered by the difficult nature in suspecting and reporting a child at risk of harm. EXCELLENT paragraph - A heap of relevant evidence, all of which is linked to effectiveness. Nicely done.

The existing laws governing the area of surrogacy and birth technologies are highly unregulated and ineffective; hence there is a strong need for reforms that protect all members involved in the process. Fabulous. The Law and Justice Committee submitted the ‘Legislation on Altruistic Surgery in NSW (2009) report which effectively brought to attention the need for clearer surrogacy laws, hence bringing about the introduction of the Surrogacy Act 2010 (NSW). While this act made overseas commercial surrogacy illegal, it has failed to a large extent due to its lack of enforceability. Excellent. As highlighted in The Conversation’s 2014 article ‘Making commercial surrogacy illegal only makes aspiring parents go elsewhere,’ it questioned the purpose of the Surrogacy Act 2010 (NSW) since despite it being a criminal offense to engage in commercial surrogacy, “not a single couple has been prosecuted or convicted.” Hence, not only has the law failed to be enforceable, it has also created inequality between couples who can afford the process and those who cannot. Excellent analysis of this issue. This is largely due to the absence of explicit federal laws which makes it very difficult for legal bodies to regulate the conduct of surrogacy and use of birth technologies. Furthermore, Surrogacy Australia’s president Sam Everingham calls altruistic surrogacy in Australia a “legal nightmare,” thus forcing Australians to seek overseas procedures due to the inaccessible arrangements onshore. This point seems a little backwards, forcing Australians overseas because of inaccessible offshore arrangements? Just a little unclear. As evident in the SMH 2012 article ‘Hundreds pay for overseas surrogacy,’ only nineteen children were born in Australia under regulated altruistic surrogacy arrangements. Despite increasing media attention in this area, legal bodies are yet to introduce effective reforms that will protect the rights of each party involved in the complicated process. Excellent analysis (though be careful not to introduce the idea of "rights of parties" this late into the essay - Keep it at evaluating effectiveness with criteria like "accessibility", "enforceability" (etc) as you are doing already. Keep focused!!

There has been increasing reforms that have successfully granted same-sex couples more legal rights. Prior to 1984 when the Crimes (Amendment) Act 1984 (NSW) was introduced; homosexual sexual activity was a criminal offense due to Christian and Catholic beliefs held by the majority of Australians. In the same year, the Relationships Act 1983 (NSW) was renamed the Property (Relationships) Act 1984 (NSW) to recognize same-sex couples as de facto couples, thus granting them access to the legal system. I'd say, "thus granting them the same rights as de facto heterosexual couples, such as _____, _____, and _____." Or something. However, this amendment proved to be ineffective in the case of Howard v Andrews (1999) as while a heterosexual de facto partner can inherit his/her deceased partner’s estate , Howard was unable to since he was in a homosexual relationship. Thus there is an absence of equality despite being guided under the same law that applies to heterosexual couples. Instead, Howard applied under the Family Provisions Act (1982) as a deserving beneficiary who had been financially and emotionally dependent on his deceased partner. While he was successful, he was still granted significantly less than what a heterosexual partner would have automatically inherited, hence emphasising that reform has a large extent, failed to be accessible. Nice analysis of this case study. However, it was due to this case which saw the enactment of the Property (Relationships) Amendment Act 1999 (NSW) that gave same-sex couples automatic inheritance of his/her deceased partner’s estate. In doing this, the legal system has been highly responsive to recognize and socially accept same-sex relationships as a modern family structure. I feel like the analysis in this paragraph lacks a bit of direction - You spend a solid chunk proving ineffectiveness then jump to effectiveness and at the end it's "highly responsive" - Perhaps reframe your analysis of the Howard case to be the catalyst for effective change? Since everything else seems to be on effectiveness, it just seems a little out of place right now.
 
While the recognition of same-sex relationships have increased significantly, same-sex marriage is still an area where reforms have become stagnated, leading to inequality. The conflicting views between the groups such as Australian Christian Lobby and Gay and Lesbian Rights, have largely contributed to the difficulty of legalising same-sex marriage as laws need to reflect the views of society. Yet in 2009, the lobby group Australia Marriage Equality conducted a survey to find that more than 60% of Australians supported same-sex marriage. Despite this, the fact that the government has not responded to these majority views shows that they have failed to adapt to these changing community values. Nice use of survey statistics. At the same time, it can be argued that the participants of this survey were imbalanced in the numbers of people who supported or opposed same-sex marriage. I'd take this sentence out - Stick to just using the statistics as is. Don't introduce doubt into your own evidence. Following this survey however, the NSW government enacted the Relationships Register Act 2010 (NSW) which achieved greater equality as it allowed same-sex couples to register their relationship, thus granting them access to the legal system if the relationship broke down. Excellent. Overall, the legal system has to a moderate extent been successful in consistently responding to the inequality felt by same-sex couples by enacting new laws that grant them legal rights similar to those available to heterosexual couples. Nice punchy paragraph - If you manipulated things a little you could perhaps blend these last two paragraphs together!

So with your essay tomorrow, I'll just say one thing: Brilliant. Definitely in the Band 6 range, fantastic evidence, fantastic analysis - My comments throughout are nitpicks, because you've done a wonderful job! ;D

I think there are places where your writing could be more succinct, or your arguments a little more direct, but those aren't issues to worry about with your exam so close - Those are long term things. It's an incredible essay nonetheless.

As for adapting the essay to the cooperation theme, the first paragraph should be easy for that. Just talk about how cooperation is key to recognising the children. For homosexuality paragraphs, talk about how cooperation between GLBTI Rights lobbies, conservative lobbies, and the lawmakers is essential to effective reforms. Surrogacy is the tough one - I'm not quite sure how that will fit - It might require just addressing different ideas?

You should be really proud of this Grace, well done ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 19, 2017, 06:58:51 pm
Quote from: mylinh-nguyen on March 19, 2017, 04:28:38 pm
I have an essay question and I do not know what to discuss, the question is "to what extent does the law reflect the moral and ethical standards of society"
I was going to write about bail but I don't know what else to include. Any help would be appreciated :)

Bail is a good start! You could also discuss:

- Penalties applied during sentencing as reflective of ethical standards
- Police powers (balance between offender rights and protecting society)
- Terrorism laws
- Mandatory sentencing

Some interesting and well rounded paragraphs could come from these/combinations of these ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: grace.estelle on March 19, 2017, 09:35:54 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on March 19, 2017, 06:55:38 pm

So with your essay tomorrow, I'll just say one thing: Brilliant. Definitely in the Band 6 range, fantastic evidence, fantastic analysis - My comments throughout are nitpicks, because you've done a wonderful job! ;D

I think there are places where your writing could be more succinct, or your arguments a little more direct, but those aren't issues to worry about with your exam so close - Those are long term things. It's an incredible essay nonetheless.

As for adapting the essay to the cooperation theme, the first paragraph should be easy for that. Just talk about how cooperation is key to recognising the children. For homosexuality paragraphs, talk about how cooperation between GLBTI Rights lobbies, conservative lobbies, and the lawmakers is essential to effective reforms. Surrogacy is the tough one - I'm not quite sure how that will fit - It might require just addressing different ideas?

You should be really proud of this Grace, well done ;D

Thank you so much for doing this on such short notice, you are amazing!!! Your feedback has been so helpful and you have definitely given me confidence for tomorrow's exam so THANK YOU AGAIN!  ;D ;D

When you said above "arguments a little more direct" can you give me an example? I'm not really worried for now but I guess it would be good to know anyway for the hsc  :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 19, 2017, 09:47:28 pm
Quote from: mylinh-nguyen on March 19, 2017, 04:28:38 pm
I have an essay question and I do not know what to discuss, the question is "to what extent does the law reflect the moral and ethical standards of society"
I was going to write about bail but I don't know what else to include. Any help would be appreciated :)

Adding on to your start and Jamon's suggestions...

I would talk about law reform here. The reason why law reforms is to keep up with the moral and ethical standards of society (also because of new technology). So anywhere you can find law reform, it's likely changed to reflect moral and ethical standards. Consider decriminalisation of sodomy, for example, through the Toonen and Croome cases. Domestic Violence has had a lot of reform as well, particularly in the ways of giving evidence/impact statements. Might be worth following this angle! :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 19, 2017, 10:24:18 pm
Quote from: grace.estelle on March 19, 2017, 09:35:54 pm
Thank you so much for doing this on such short notice, you are amazing!!! Your feedback has been so helpful and you have definitely given me confidence for tomorrow's exam so THANK YOU AGAIN!  ;D ;D

When you said above "arguments a little more direct" can you give me an example? I'm not really worried for now but I guess it would be good to know anyway for the hsc  :)

Sure! So like, at some points, you could skip a little of the extra detail/explanation and just get to the point a bit more quickly. For example:

However, as evident in the case of R v BW and SW, parents faced imprisonment due to the neglect and starvation of their daughter Ebony and while the law was enforced, it highlighted that the law has failed to protect the child. In a similar case seen in The Australian’s 2007 article ‘Starved Shellay’s death of torture’, the Department of Community Services (DoCS) was aware of Shellay’s welfare as far back as 2004 but failed to take further measures which highlights that the law failed significantly in protecting childrens’ safety. Furthermore, in 2007, it was found that more than 150 children who had previously been known to DoCS died at the hands of their abusive parents. This called for major reforms to not only increase child care and protection, but also to introduce an enforceable ‘follow-up’ mechanism that will enable DoCS or other services to regularly monitor children ‘at risk of significant harm.’ The Wood Inquiry Report 2008 came about as a result of these highly publicised deaths, and the government was highly responsive in reforming the Children and Young Persons (Care and Protection) Act 1998 (NSW) to become the Children Legislation Amendment (Wood Inquiry Recommendations) Act 2009.

Now I'm not saying I would condense it this much, but I could write this:

The failures of the legal system to protect children in cases such as R v BW and SW, or more profile cases like those within The Australian’s 2007 article ‘Starved Shellay’s death of torture,' lead to the Wood Inquiry Report in 2008. The subsequent reform of the Children and Young Persons (Care and Protection) Act 1998 (NSW) to become the Children Legislation Amendment (Wood Inquiry Recommendations) Act 2009, demonstrates exceptional responsiveness by the NSW legislature.

See how I've trimmed all the excess away, and am just left with a piece of evidence (group of evidence in this case) and an argument? No case details, no extras - Just BAM. Again, you might not want to condense it this much, but if you can trim some fat from your writing, you'll be much more direct with your arguments, and have room to back yourself up more ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: grace.estelle on March 20, 2017, 06:22:36 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on March 19, 2017, 10:24:18 pm
Sure! So like, at some points, you could skip a little of the extra detail/explanation and just get to the point a bit more quickly. For example:

However, as evident in the case of R v BW and SW, parents faced imprisonment due to the neglect and starvation of their daughter Ebony and while the law was enforced, it highlighted that the law has failed to protect the child. In a similar case seen in The Australian’s 2007 article ‘Starved Shellay’s death of torture’, the Department of Community Services (DoCS) was aware of Shellay’s welfare as far back as 2004 but failed to take further measures which highlights that the law failed significantly in protecting childrens’ safety. Furthermore, in 2007, it was found that more than 150 children who had previously been known to DoCS died at the hands of their abusive parents. This called for major reforms to not only increase child care and protection, but also to introduce an enforceable ‘follow-up’ mechanism that will enable DoCS or other services to regularly monitor children ‘at risk of significant harm.’ The Wood Inquiry Report 2008 came about as a result of these highly publicised deaths, and the government was highly responsive in reforming the Children and Young Persons (Care and Protection) Act 1998 (NSW) to become the Children Legislation Amendment (Wood Inquiry Recommendations) Act 2009.

Now I'm not saying I would condense it this much, but I could write this:

The failures of the legal system to protect children in cases such as R v BW and SW, or more profile cases like those within The Australian’s 2007 article ‘Starved Shellay’s death of torture,' lead to the Wood Inquiry Report in 2008. The subsequent reform of the Children and Young Persons (Care and Protection) Act 1998 (NSW) to become the Children Legislation Amendment (Wood Inquiry Recommendations) Act 2009, demonstrates exceptional responsiveness by the NSW legislature.

See how I've trimmed all the excess away, and am just left with a piece of evidence (group of evidence in this case) and an argument? No case details, no extras - Just BAM. Again, you might not want to condense it this much, but if you can trim some fat from your writing, you'll be much more direct with your arguments, and have room to back yourself up more ;D

DAMN Jamon that is good. My teacher also said in my last exam that I needed to get to the point faster hahah  :P

So I just sat my exam...I think it went pretty well in terms of quickly evaluating the effectiveness of my examples. So thank you so much, your feedback helped heaps! I found it a bit difficult to get out about 1200 words in the 45mins though :-\
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 20, 2017, 06:35:10 pm
Quote from: grace.estelle on March 20, 2017, 06:22:36 pm
DAMN Jamon that is good. My teacher also said in my last exam that I needed to get to the point faster hahah  :P

So I just sat my exam...I think it went pretty well in terms of quickly evaluating the effectiveness of my examples. So thank you so much, your feedback helped heaps! I found it a bit difficult to get out about 1200 words in the 45mins though :-\

Great work!! If you were evaluating you were scoring marks - Well done ;D that's all good, you can work on making your points more succinct in the coming months, and have a more achievable 900(ish) word essay ready for Trials! ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: caitlinjovanovska on March 23, 2017, 05:29:08 pm
Hi!

Was just wondering if you could give me some feedback on my human rights essay? Its a hand-in component along with an in-class exam on Monday!

Thanks heaps!!

Spoiler
To what extent have domestic and international legal and non-legal mechanisms promoted and enforced a contemporary human rights issue?

A refugee is defined as ‘a person who has fled his or her own country and cannot return due to fear of persecution, and has been given refugee status’ (NSW Dept. of Edu. 2015). The treatment of refugees is an extensive contemporary human rights issue, with international recognition. Various domestic and international legal and non-legal mechanisms, such as the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees and Amnesty International, have been effective, whereas others have not been as effective.

A founding international legal mechanism used to promote just treatment of refugees is the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR). Article 14 of the UDHR states that “Everyone has the right to seek and to enjoy in other countries asylum from persecution”. However, the UDHR is not legally binding, as due to state sovereignty, states can choose to not uphold and enforce the rights contained in the document. Hence, the UDHR is partially effective, in that it is the basis for basic human rights, including refugees, around the world.

The United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees (UNHCR) is an international legal mechanism that was established as an international body to assist refugees. The UNHCR has a significant role, in that it leads and coordinates international measures taken to protect refugees, and to also resolve worldwide issues regarding refugees. As of 2010, the UNHCR has operations in over 120 countries, including Afghanistan and Iraq. In 2009, the UNHCR reported that only 251 000 refugees were able to voluntarily return to their countries of origin, resulting from persistent and unresolved state conflicts. In order for the current refugee crisis to be resolved, the world will need to find a way to end critical conflicts and to develop global peace. The current effectiveness of the UNHCR as an international legal response to refugees is tested, as the world essentially is not in the necessary state to resolve the issue.

The Australian Government’s Refugee and Special Humanitarian Program is a domestic legal mechanism used to enforce the treatment of refugees in Australia. Under the Refugee and Special Humanitarian Program, the Australian Government issued humanitarian visas in 2007-08, with a quota of 13 500. The program placed Australia at 32nd out of 71 countries accepting refugees, thus proving that the non-legal response is moderately effective. Australia, however, has been criticised for unlawfully detaining asylum seekers, evident in the case of A v Australia (1997). In this case, Mr A had sought refuge in Australia in 1989 after arriving from Cambodia on a boat. While his refugee status was being assessed, Mr A was detained for four years, thus claiming that the Australian government had violated his right to liberty. The United Nations Human Rights Commission decided under Article 9 of the International Covenant on Cultural and Political Rights, his rights were violated, although, the Australian government had argued that the decision of the UNHCR was incorrect. It is evident that although the Australian government has appropriate intentions, they are not successful in entirely enforcing the rights of refugees.

In Australia, the Migration Act 1958 (Cth) acts as a domestic mechanism enforcing the treatment of refugees. This piece of legislation forms the basis for migration and visa applications in Australia. The Act states that “asylum seekers who arrive on the mainland without a valid visa must be held in immigration or community detention, or transferred to an off-shore processing facility” (NSW Dept. Edu. 2015). Although the legislative intent of the Act is appropriate, there are severe implications, such as the treatment of refugees in detention centres. Conditions in such centres detrimentally impact individuals, both mentally and physically. Upon arrival, refugees are sent to offshore processing areas, where the trauma experienced on their journey is heightened. Essentially, the rights of refugees in offshore detention centres are almost non-existent. Therefore, the Migration Act 1958 (Cth) is ineffective in promoting and enforcing the rights and lawful treatment of refugees.

Amnesty International is a prominent international non-legal mechanism in promoting the rights and treatment of refugees worldwide. The organisation’s Global Refugee campaign “aims to significantly increase the assistance provide by governments around the world by 2018” (Amnesty Intl. n.d.). Amnesty are essentially intending to encourage governments to partake in the program through accommodating more refugees, supplying safe and legal travel routes, and increasing the number of resettlement regions. The organisation achieves this, through campaigning for the recognition of these rights, through fundraisers and petitions. Thus, Amnesty International is successful in advocating for and promoting the rights and just treatment of refugees around the world. Amnesty International is evidently an effective non-legal international mechanism used to promote the treatment of refugees.

The media is a controversial non-legal domestic mechanism used to promote the rights of refugees in Australia. The media is effective, in that it has the ability to report to a large audience the state of camps, and make the public aware of just and unjust treatments of refugees and asylum seekers. For example, the article ‘Think Australia’s treatment of refugees and asylum seekers is OK? Read this.’ (SMH 2016) features a letter written by a refugee on Nauru, addressed to the UN Summit for Refugees and Migrants. The article outlines the treatment of refugees under Australia’s care, from the perspective of a refugee. However, it can also be ineffective, in that it can promote fear within nations of accepting refugees, and also have the ability to associate negative connotations with refugees, thus promoting discrimination and xenophobia amongst society. Therefore, the media acts as a debateable non-legal domestic mechanism in relation to the promotion and enforcement of the treatment of refugees.

The Universal Declaration of Human Rights, the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees and Amnesty International have been most successful in promoting and enforcing the rights and treatment of refugees. Domestic mechanisms of the Refugee and Special Humanitarian Program and the Migration Act are ineffective, however, the Australian media is a debateable domestic mechanisms, as it promotes the right, though has no power to enforce it.

Mod Edit: Added spoiler :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 23, 2017, 07:37:34 pm
Quote from: caitlinjovanovska on March 23, 2017, 05:29:08 pm
Hi!

Was just wondering if you could give me some feedback on my human rights essay? Its a hand-in component along with an in-class exam on Monday!

Thanks heaps!!

Hey Caitlin! Thanks for posting your essay, but our essay marking rules require 15 posts per piece of detailed feedback, just to make sure the markers can keep up and provide the detailed feedback we like to give ;D

So you've not quite qualified for detailed feedback just yet (but you can get there quick if you hang around) ;D I did have a quick read of your essay though and it is good! Just try to focus less on the content and more on judgement. Ditch the sections where you explain what the response is and the history of it, and start making more evaluative (good/bad) comments! Right now those evaluations only appear at the end of your paragraphs (mostly) where they should be threaded through the response as a whole too ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: absdatar99 on March 24, 2017, 12:39:36 pm
Hey, I am working on some 15 mark essays for my up coming exam for legal.

Wondering you can check my Young offender essay (without conclusion)

thanks.

Question - Assess the effectiveness of the criminal justice system when dealing with young offenders

The criminal justice system in NSW has been greatly effective when dealing with young offenders. The justice system in NSW works under a justice and welfare model, where the welfare model aims to provide protection and security from the legal system to the offenders to avoid recidivism and motivate rehabilitation, while the justice model aims to treat all offenders accordingly to the law and emphasizes punishment and deterrence over the rehabilitation of the the offender. These conflicting models allow the legal system to effectively provide both protection and a just outcome to children and young offenders. To ensure the effectiveness of this model towards young offenders the law uses various instruments and methods such as the Youth Koori Court for young ATSI offenders, the use of support persons and identity protections for young people while detained and the use juvenile justice centers for the punishment of the offenders.   

The establishment of the Youth Koori court in Parramatta allows indigenous youth to be involved in the criminal justice system while avoiding the intimidation of the court room and effectively providing welfare and security to the offender. As these proceedings are informal, with reduced court jargon and simpler proceedings and an elder of the aboriginal community involved  for cultural support, it allows the offender to feel secure and not be intimidated by the legal system, achieving welfare and protection for the offender while effectively meeting the indigenous society’s needs through the involvement of the elders. As the the court may intimidate indigenous offenders, it can cause a negative influence on the offenders and can cause them to have a non-compliant attitude towards the legal system, resulting in recidivism. The Youth Koori Court allows the indigenous youth to be consulted by the elders in their community and “allow offenders to be involved in developing a plan to prevent repeat in criminal behaviour” (ABC News 2014), thus effectively reducing the chances of recidivism and achieving resource and time efficiency as the Children's Court has reduced workload and can operate more effectively and efficiently. Thus, the Youth Koori Court provides the indigenous youth with welfare and rehabilitation, allowing the criminal justice system to more effectively deal with young offenders.

While the Youth Koori Court encourages the welfare model of the justice system, the use of the juvenile justice centre as a form of rehabilitation and justice for the offender and society, and allows offenders to be reintegrated into society. Control orders are the most severe form of punishment and have a maximum sentence of 2 years. These justice centers and the incarceration of the young people in reality are the inverse of its purpose and has been ineffective in achieving rehabilitation for the offenders and has had a negative influences on the young offenders. Thus,  This can be supported through the Australian Institute of Criminology’s study in 2009 titled The Specific Deterrent Effect of Custodial Penalties on Juvenile Offenders which states that there was no difference in the rate of reoffending between offenders given custodial sentences and offenders given any other method of punishment or sentence. Thus, meaning that the harsher punishments such as custodial sentences, while achieving justice for the victims and society, do not effectively rehabilitate the offender and that the rate of recidivism does not change according to the type of sentence or punishment, thus demonstrating the ineffectiveness of the juvenile justice centers. Therefore, although the aim of juvenile justice centres is to aid rehabilitation and increase the chances of recidivism, in reality the justice system performs ineffectively to when dealing with the sentencing and punishment of young offenders.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 24, 2017, 12:45:33 pm
Quote from: absdatar99 on March 24, 2017, 12:39:36 pm
Hey, I am working on some 15 mark essays for my up coming exam for legal.

Wondering you can check my Young offender essay (without conclusion)

thanks.

Hey absdatar99! Thanks for posting your essay, but our essay marking rules require 15 posts per piece of detailed feedback, just to make sure the markers can keep up and provide the detailed feedback we like to give ;D

So you've not quite qualified for detailed feedback just yet (but you can get there quick if you hang around) ;D it looks good on a quick skim though! Looks like you are frequently evaluating which is great - Try to incorporate more LCTMRS (Laws, Cases, Treaties, Media, Reports, Statistics, and other evidence) to make your argument stronger :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: absdatar99 on March 24, 2017, 01:33:13 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on March 24, 2017, 12:45:33 pm
Hey absdatar99! Thanks for posting your essay, but our essay marking rules require 15 posts per piece of detailed feedback, just to make sure the markers can keep up and provide the detailed feedback we like to give ;D

So you've not quite qualified for detailed feedback just yet (but you can get there quick if you hang around) ;D it looks good on a quick skim though! Looks like you are frequently evaluating which is great - Try to incorporate more LCTMRS (Laws, Cases, Treaties, Media, Reports, Statistics, and other evidence) to make your argument stronger :)
Ok no worries, thanks for the feedback anyway. 👍
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: kiiaaa on March 24, 2017, 10:56:18 pm
hi i was wondering if you could help me in how to go about planning an essay for this question
Examine the role of discretion in achieving justice for victims, offenders and society within the criminal justice system.

should i answer it with a paragraph for each victims, offenders, society or...?

thank you so much in advance
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 24, 2017, 11:01:36 pm
Quote from: kiiaaa on March 24, 2017, 10:56:18 pm
hi i was wondering if you could help me in how to go about planning an essay for this question
Examine the role of discretion in achieving justice for victims, offenders and society within the criminal justice system.

should i answer it with a paragraph for each victims, offenders, society or...?

thank you so much in advance

Hey Kia! That's definitely how I'd do it - The only other thing you could do is try a case study approach, doing a paragraph on each case/situation and analysing how discretion impacted on its outcomes. In my opinion this is tougher - Your idea would be my approach ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: kiiaaa on March 24, 2017, 11:15:37 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on March 24, 2017, 11:01:36 pm
Hey Kia! That's definitely how I'd do it - The only other thing you could do is try a case study approach, doing a paragraph on each case/situation and analysing how discretion impacted on its outcomes. In my opinion this is tougher - Your idea would be my approach ;D

thanks a bunch! that really cleared me up
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: kiiaaa on March 25, 2017, 06:30:37 pm
Hi
could you please mark my essay for the question: Examine the role of discretion in achieving justice for victims, offenders and society within the criminal justice system.

would you also be able to give me pointers for i should do in the exam and other essays please too (essay writing isnt my strongest)

Discretion plays a pivotal role within the criminal justice system as a means of achieving justice for its stakeholders. With the aid of discretion, decision makers ranging from the police to judges have the ability to interpret how the law is applied to further assist in achieving justice by ensuring it is applied in the correct most way in relation to the presented circumstances. Discretion allows the circumstances under which the crime was conducted to be considered which achieves justice for the offender. Discretion achieves justice to victims by allowing judges to consider Victim Impact statements as well as the impact of the crime upon them and to society by allowing police to make judgments on the situation and thus act accordingly in order to protect society.

Discretion assists offenders in achieving justice as it considered the circumstances of the offence, rather basing sentencing and punishments decisions on judicial guidelines and precedent but rather on a case-by-case basis allowing individual circumstances to be considered by the judicial officer. This is a crucial element of the justice system as no two cases are the same thus shouldn’t be treated the same as well but allow room for the judge to take other factors which could be mitigating or aggravating for the offender, as R v Silva, where the environment and situation under which she stabbed her husband where considered by the judge in determining her sentence.  The use of judicial discretion played a significant role in achieving justice for the offender as despite using a weapon and having no imminent threat to her life when committing the offence, the evidence that she suffered as a ‘battered wife’ (ABC). Thus, discretion helps offenders in achieving justices as it allows room for the judicial officer to apply and interpret the circumstances surrounding the offence.

Judges can determine if victim’s voice and impact of the offence should be considered in sentencing an offender, achieving justice as the victim is given a sense of involvement and well as allowing them to state the impact the crime. It is up to the judge to determine whether the Victim Impact statement is appropriate enough to be considered under s26 of Crime (Sentencing Procedure) Act 1999. This can further be utilized by the judge in determining the sentence for the offender based on the severity of the impact the crime has had on the victims. This upholds justice as it provides a level of compensation in addition to receiving a voice to lawfully say their opinion in relevant circumstance. Its weakness however lies in that despite in being implemented primarily for sexual assault or murder charges it otherwise can only be considered if the court deems it to be appropriate enough thus can disregard to other offences which could be minor in relation to murder and assault. Hence, judicial discretion can significantly assist a victim feel that justice has been achieved by allowing their voice to be hear in the court in addition to allowing the impact of the offence be considered in sentencing an offender achieving a sense of retribution.

Discretion utilized by police can have a substantial impact on society as it used in moment when determining what will be in the best interest of society. This is a tool that must be used by police on an everyday and impulse basis due to the severity of issues they face. The NSW Police Force has special legal powers under the Law Enforcement (Powers and Responsibilities) Act 2002 (NSW) that allow them to carry out their duties in accordance with achieving justice and thus it is up to the police’s discretion in how to exercise their powers under LEPRA appropriately. The primary issue surrounding discretion is balancing the extend of powers of police and the rights of citizens to ensure that police can exercise their powers in what they deem to be suitable to the situation to ensure the protection of society. During the Castle Hill shooting in 2011 the police shot and killed a man who was speculated to be concealing a weapon, which although turned to be false, it can be interpreted that the police took the necessary action to ensure that community was safe. Thus police utilized their discretion in terms of the necessary action to be taken in the moment to what they believe will be in the best interest of society for achieving justice.

Hence, in order to achieve justice for the offenders, victims and society judges and police must utilize their discretion when making decisions in certain situations during various sates of the criminal justice system.

thank you very much :)

Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: CaitlinSavins on March 26, 2017, 09:45:39 pm
Have I got enough posts to get critique on an essay? My Legal teacher has been busy marking our Business Studies practice exams, and hasn't had time to give me feedback on my human rights essay :(
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 26, 2017, 09:53:42 pm
Quote from: CaitlinSavins on March 26, 2017, 09:45:39 pm
Have I got enough posts to get critique on an essay? My Legal teacher has been busy marking our Business Studies practice exams, and hasn't had time to give me feedback on my human rights essay :(

Not yet, you need to hit 30!! I won't be able to mark it tonight anyways, I'd get to it tomorrow - Assuming that isn't too late for you, spend 10 minutes making a few posts tonight then post your essay here as your 30th post!

Perhaps you could lend some opinions to the last few questions in the English Q+A? Elyse is out of action right now, if you could lend some people a hand I bet she'd really appreciate it! ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 27, 2017, 01:52:19 pm
Quote from: kiiaaa on March 25, 2017, 06:30:37 pm
Hi
could you please mark my essay for the question: Examine the role of discretion in achieving justice for victims, offenders and society within the criminal justice system.

Sure thing kiiaaa! Here is your feedback in the spoiler:

Essay with Feedback
Examine the role of discretion in achieving justice for victims, offenders and society within the criminal justice system.

Discretion plays a pivotal role within the criminal justice system as a means of achieving justice for its stakeholders. Stakeholders probably isn't the best word choice here, I'd say "victims, offenders and society" or something to link to another theme, more sophisticated. With the aid of discretion, decision makers ranging from the police to judges have the ability to interpret how the law is applied to further assist in achieving justice by ensuring it is applied in the correct most way in relation to the presented circumstances. Excellent. Discretion allows the circumstances under which the crime was conducted to be considered which achieves justice for the offender. Discretion achieves justice to victims by allowing judges to consider Victim Impact statements as well as the impact of the crime upon them and to society by allowing police to make judgments on the situation and thus act accordingly in order to protect society. I think this introduction is excellent! It doesn't set up a strong judgement is my only comment, but in an "Examine" essay I wouldn't view that to be strictly necessary - You are emphasising importance which is the big thing.

Discretion assists offenders in achieving justice as it considered the circumstances of the offence, rather basing sentencing and punishments decisions on judicial guidelines and precedent but rather on a case-by-case basis allowing individual circumstances to be considered by the judicial officer. Little bit of a mouthful that sentence, but good intro! This is a crucial element of the justice system as no two cases are the same thus shouldn’t be treated the same as well but allow room for the judge to take other factors which could be mitigating or aggravating for the offender, as R v Silva, where the environment and situation under which she stabbed her husband where considered by the judge in determining her sentence. Again, sentence a little too long. Don't be afraid to use shorter sentences for clarity. Also be sure to reference cases correctly. The use of judicial discretion played a significant role in achieving justice for the offender as despite using a weapon and having no imminent threat to her life when committing the offence, the evidence that she suffered as a ‘battered wife’ (ABC). Thus, discretion helps offenders in achieving justices as it allows room for the judicial officer to apply and interpret the circumstances surrounding the offence. An entire paragraph based around only a single piece of evidence isn't quite enough to be cracking those high ranges, you need multiple per paragraph to make your argument strong.

Judges can determine if victim’s voice and impact of the offence should be considered in sentencing an offender, achieving justice as the victim is given a sense of involvement and well as allowing them to state the impact the crime. It is up to the judge to determine whether the Victim Impact statement is appropriate enough to be considered under s26 of Crime (Sentencing Procedure) Act 1999. Nice legislative reference. This can further be utilized by the judge in determining the sentence for the offender based on the severity of the impact the crime has had on the victims. This upholds justice as it provides a level of compensation in addition to receiving a voice to lawfully say their opinion in relevant circumstance. Its weakness however lies in that despite in being implemented primarily for sexual assault or murder charges it otherwise can only be considered if the court deems it to be appropriate enough thus can disregard to other offences which could be minor in relation to murder and assault. Remember clarity - Break up your sentences with commas, use shorter sentences where required. Hence, judicial discretion can significantly assist a victim feel that justice has been achieved by allowing their voice to be hear in the court in addition to allowing the impact of the offence be considered in sentencing an offender achieving a sense of retribution. Nice examination of positives and negatives, but, still looking for more than one LCTMR per paragraph for maximum sophistication.

Discretion utilized by police can have a substantial impact on society as it used in moment when determining what will be in the best interest of society. This is a tool that must be used by police on an everyday and impulse basis due to the severity of issues they face. The NSW Police Force has special legal powers under the Law Enforcement (Powers and Responsibilities) Act 2002 (NSW) that allow them to carry out their duties in accordance with achieving justice and thus it is up to the police’s discretion in how to exercise their powers under LEPRA appropriately. Those introductory sentences there could probably be condensed to two - Keep things simple to give you more room for cases and laws. The primary issue surrounding discretion is balancing the extend of powers of police and the rights of citizens to ensure that police can exercise their powers in what they deem to be suitable to the situation to ensure the protection of society. This would have been good for near the front of the paragraph! A great issue to consider. During the Castle Hill shooting in 2011 the police shot and killed a man who was speculated to be concealing a weapon, which although turned to be false, it can be interpreted that the police took the necessary action to ensure that community was safe. You should reference a media article here for maximum credibility. Thus police utilized their discretion in terms of the necessary action to be taken in the moment to what they believe will be in the best interest of society for achieving justice.

Hence, in order to achieve justice for the offenders, victims and society judges and police must utilize their discretion when making decisions in certain situations during various sates of the criminal justice system. Try to make a beefier conclusion. Restate your arguments, reconsider the issue you are discussing. Give a nice thorough summation, 3-4 sentences if you can.

This is a good essay kiiaaa! You have a well structured argument and respond to the question well. I would suggest for you to include more cases, laws, media articles - More evidence to give your argument sophistication. You need multiple per paragraph - You can look for media articles complementing your issues, look for reports with statistics, that sort of thing. Also be sure to make your ideas clear by breaking your ideas up appropriately - Short sentences and long sentences with commas ;D great work!

PS - This could be helpful!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: sage_slayer on April 01, 2017, 07:21:05 pm
hi there,
basically all i really need to know is if my information is accurate. im doing the FLA 1995 :) thanks.
…can be found in the Family Law Reform, Act 1995 (Cth) which was introduced in response to Australia’s ratification of the Convention of the Rights of the Child (CROC). Features of this Act includes the use of the phrase “Best interest of the child” which is likewise explicitly used in CROC, the introduction of parenting plans and replacing the phrases “custody” and “access” to “residential orders” and “contact orders.” When making decisions, judges were and are required to consider the added phrase as the basis of their decision which is a positive step towards protecting children. However the changes in phrases, intended to remove the notion of ‘ownership’ over a child and ‘winning’ the child in a dispute between the parents were not as effective as attitudes were not changed and the renewed phrases are not generally used in media articles therefore it is virtually useless. Parenting plans however are useful as it offers a written agreement which sets out parenting arrangements for children. Though it is not legally binding, it is still a good resource for parents as it encourages cooperation between parents. This Law reform successfully reflected the ratification of CROC and thus society’s expectations were met.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 02, 2017, 12:58:34 am
Quote from: sage_slayer on April 01, 2017, 07:21:05 pm
hi there,
basically all i really need to know is if my information is accurate. im doing the FLA 1995 :) thanks.
…can be found in the Family Law Reform, Act 1995 (Cth) which was introduced in response to Australia’s ratification of the Convention of the Rights of the Child (CROC). Features of this Act includes the use of the phrase “Best interest of the child” which is likewise explicitly used in CROC, the introduction of parenting plans and replacing the phrases “custody” and “access” to “residential orders” and “contact orders.” When making decisions, judges were and are required to consider the added phrase as the basis of their decision which is a positive step towards protecting children. However the changes in phrases, intended to remove the notion of ‘ownership’ over a child and ‘winning’ the child in a dispute between the parents were not as effective as attitudes were not changed and the renewed phrases are not generally used in media articles therefore it is virtually useless. Parenting plans however are useful as it offers a written agreement which sets out parenting arrangements for children. Though it is not legally binding, it is still a good resource for parents as it encourages cooperation between parents. This Law reform successfully reflected the ratification of CROC and thus society’s expectations were met.

Welcome to the forums Sage! ;D your paragraph definitely contains accurate information, nice! As a general piece of feedback for the paragraph (not sure whether it is for an essay or whatever), but if this was for a HSC style essay, try to cut back on the description of what the act contains and introduce more arguments and analysis of evidence. So instead of going through that list of changes, you could say, "The FLR Act of 1995 implemented several changes in response to Australia's ratification of CROC that have proved effective in the care and protection of children. Such can be seen in the case of ___________." Or, "Media articles such as ____________ show there is more to do." More evidence, more punchy, to make your writing more powerful ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Kekemato_BAP on April 04, 2017, 07:16:50 pm
Hi!! This is a section of my legal essay and really appreciate it if someone can give feedback on it.
Criminal law's main focus should be on what is beneficial for the whole community. To what extent does the criminal justice system meet the needs of the community. Use the statement in your response as well as relevant examples.

Balancing the rights of the community and the offender is vital in achieving justice. The focus of the criminal justice system should be based on the benefits to the whole community through protecting the rights of th community to safety, and the role of law reform in meeting their moral and ethical standards. However, the needs of the community are not satisfied in certain areas of the law such as granting of bail, law reform, and the purpose of sentencing in achieving justice for the victims and the community. As a result, this hinders the criminal justice system's effectiveness in meeting the considerations of the greater community when dealing with offenders.
The community and victims have the right to safety from the offender, and balancing the rights of these rights with those of the offenders and their families is vital in meeting the needs of the community. The offender has its own family which is also a part of the community, therefore the individual rights of the offender must also be protected in the criminal justice system in order to satisfy and benefit the community's need for justice. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, in 2012, about 25% of Australian prisoners were not convicted but held in remand. This is clear evidence of the ineffectiveness of the Australian criminal justice system in respecting the needs and rights of the offender and their families whom are also a member and aspect of the community. The key issue is the balancing of the individual rights of the offender and the community's need for safety from the offender, especially if they are convicted of violent crimes, thus bail and remand are greatly concerned with the community's need for safetyand peace of mind. However, the "innocent until proven guilty presumption is a human right under Article 11 of the UDHR which remand ignores to protect the community and meet the needs of the community in maintaining safety from violent offenders. There have been numerous instances of the community being put at risk by the use of bail such as the Sydney Siege 2014 where Monis was actually out on bail for sexual offences. This clearly highlights the Australian legal system's ineffectiveness of addressing the safety needs of the community under the current bail system of the Bail Amendment Act 2014 (NSW) which interfere with the offender and their families, but also proves a great risk for the community if bail was granted.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on April 04, 2017, 09:58:12 pm
Quote from: Kekemato_BAP on April 04, 2017, 07:16:50 pm
Hi!! This is a section of my legal essay and really appreciate it if someone can give feedback on it.
Criminal law's main focus should be on what is beneficial for the whole community. To what extent does the criminal justice system meet the needs of the community. Use the statement in your response as well as relevant examples.

Hey! Let me first say - this is a tricky question. It's quite broad in that you can pick and choose from any part of the syllabus, but it also makes me wonder who the "community" is? Is someone no longer part of the community once they've committed a crime or are they still to be included in the beneficiaries of the system? Interesting... I've put my comments in the spoiler below :)

Spoiler
Balancing the rights of the community and the offender is vital in achieving justice. Aha! You've already answered my question. Good job. The focus of the criminal justice system should be based on the benefits to the whole community through protecting the rights of the community to safety, and the role of law reform in meeting their moral and ethical standards. Worrrrrk those themes and challenges! However, the needs of the community are not satisfied in certain areas of the law such as granting of bail, law reform, and the purpose of sentencing in achieving justice for the victims and the community. As a result, this hinders the criminal justice system's effectiveness in meeting the considerations of the greater community when dealing with offenders. Absolutely beautiful analysis. This is succinct, original, and explains exactly what I am yet to anticipate in the essay.
The community and victims have the right to safety from the offender, and balancing the rights of these rights ??? with those of the offenders and their families is vital in meeting the needs of the community. The offender has its own family which is also a part of the community, therefore the individual rights of the offender must also be protected in the criminal justice system in order to satisfy and benefit the community's need for justice. This is why I think this question is odd: it forces you to decide who is community and who is not. You're doing well at working with it. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, in 2012, about 25% of Australian prisoners were not convicted but held in remand. This is clear evidence of the ineffectiveness of the Australian criminal justice system in respecting the needs and rights of the offender and their families whom are also a member and aspect of the community. I'd bring in human rights here - what does this contravene? Innocent until proven guilty? 25% is a large number of people to have locked up without being proven guilty. The key issue is the balancing of the individual rights of the offender and the community's need for safety from the offender, especially if they are convicted of violent crimes, thus bail and remand are greatly concerned with the community's need for safetyand peace of mind. However, the "innocent until proven guilty presumption is a human right under Article 11 of the UDHR which remand ignores to protect the community and meet the needs of the community in maintaining safety from violent offenders. Oh, I take that back, here it is! There have been numerous instances of the community being put at risk by the use of bail such as the Sydney Siege 2014 where Monis was actually out on bail for sexual offences. This clearly highlights the Australian legal system's ineffectiveness of addressing the safety needs of the community under the current bail system of the Bail Amendment Act 2014 (NSW) which interfere with the offender and their families, but also proves a great risk for the community if bail was granted.

Ok, wow! This was outstanding. You've backed everything up with stats and legislation which is absolutely fabulous. This is an exemplary paragraph and you should be very proud. My only suggestion is super tiny. I think the last sentence needs some adjusting, or a new sentence needs to be added. Just for the purpose of clarity. So from the last sentence I can see that the safety of the community is threatened, but I want to have a clear summary of your perspective on how this conflicts with the accused. For example,
"The criminal legal system's treatment of bail and remand only meets the needs of the community in some cases, and in doing so, inhibits the right to liberty of the accused." Just to leave your marker knowing exactly what you mean, there is no question, and a band 6 for you! ;)

Also, one other tiny thing actually: be aware of talking about the accused and the offender simultaneously. When you're talking about pre-sentencing, it is the accused as they are not yet proven guilty. If they have been proven guilty, they are the offender :) It's no biggie, but when you're specifically talking about remand or bail, the "accused" is the most correct term :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Kekemato_BAP on April 05, 2017, 10:38:18 pm
Thank you so much!! This was actually from my half yearly a few weeks ago and I got 13/15 for it. There's like 3 more pages but I wasn't bothered to type it up  :P
I really appreciate the feedback and will make improvements!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on April 05, 2017, 11:52:41 pm
Quote from: Kekemato_BAP on April 05, 2017, 10:38:18 pm
Thank you so much!! This was actually from my half yearly a few weeks ago and I got 13/15 for it. There's like 3 more pages but I wasn't bothered to type it up  :P
I really appreciate the feedback and will make improvements!

So happy for you! What a great mark. It's only up from here!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 27, 2017, 12:03:25 am
Quote from: davidss on April 26, 2017, 07:23:37 am
Hi,

Could someone please have a look at my essay. I think it might be abit too long to write in 45 mins so if u could point stuff out thats like unncessary :D Also my other possible question is To what extent has family law responded to changing values in the community? Would talking about parental responsibility, surrogacy and same sex be right. SORRY FOR ASKING SO MUCH STUFF AS WELL.

Hey davidss! Thanks for posting!! I've attached your essay below with comments in bold:

Essay with Feedback
The law has been partially effective in achieving equality, fairness and access – which form the notion of justice – for married and de facto couples and their children during relationship breakdowns through an examination of the law’s capacity to protect individual’s rights. A little unclear in that sentence - I think it flows better to say it like, "To be truly effective in achieving protecting individual rights, the law needs to provide just outcomes. The legal system has been partially effective in achieving equality, fairness and access to this end, blah blah blah." Splitting in two gives it more clarity. It provides guidance to parties during the lead up to and actuality of a breakdown. Not super relevant/beneficial to the intro. The law also ensures a provision of comprehensive arrangements for children, and provides means of the allocation of property following relationship breakdowns. Don't describe the measures, analyse them! Do they work and why? However, the range of avenues that is facilitated by the law, coupled with continuous reforms to statute law, and to a lesser extent common law induces greater complexity and inconsistency that impedes the achievement of justice. This last sentence is great! Looking for a more definite conclusion: "Thus, it can be said that _________."

Divorce orders and non-court based services have been partly effective in achieving justice by providing guidance to parties in relationship breakdowns. Excellent intro. According to the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth), no party is legally bound to a relationship and due to the no-fault divorce principle espoused, it has enabled “the empty legal shell to be destroyed with the maximum fairness” as university academic Brohier writes in the 2015 Austlii journal. Nice use of LCTMI in a really fluent way there, normally I'd say to avoid description of the law, but I think this works well. As per s48, a divorce order is approved by the court once the applicants provide evidence that “The marriage has broken down irretrievably.” This entails 12 months of separation, which was breached in Campbell v Case (2012) due to a continued sexual relationship. Be careful, you aren't evaluating here! What worked? What didn't? Effective or ineffective and why? On the other hand, since de facto couples are not recognised as a legal marriage under S4AA, they are not legally required to go through the arduous process of a breakdown. Evidently, there is inequality and unfairness as a married couple essentially emulates a de facto but has to endure longer emotional trauma. Nice! Accessibility has been improved for parties experiencing financial hardship through reductions from $865 to $265 for the filing fee of a divorce order. Source for this? Just an interesting stat, it would have more weight if it had a reputable source. However, the 2009 Attorney-General’s Department report ‘A Strategic Framework for Access to Justice in the Federal Civil Justice System’ reported that 2% of waivered fees represented legal aid exemptions. The unfair and inadequate protection of vulnerable litigants’ rights have been emphasised by the Australian article: ‘Divorce fee too high for poor,’ reporting that Women’s Legal Services found that the $265 fee comprised “over 80 per cent of the weekly single parent payment.” Again, love the variety of evidence! This lack of fairness and failure in protecting rights is also apparent where children of de facto couples are neglected in that s55A stipulates proper arrangements must be made for the welfare of children only from married couples, before divorce orders are granted. Non-court based services are facilitated via family counselling in S10B and family dispute resolution, evinced in S10F. While the sections are impressive, describing the purpose of each isn't going to earn you points! Relationships Australia for instance provides family counselling services, and with family dispute resolution, they provide parties with emotional support. These services are accessible to parties during any stage of the breakdown, and are fair as each hearing considers party’s different circumstances and promotes cooperation between parties which improves future relationships with children. Ultimately, the complexity and inconsistency of the legal framework has undermined individual’s rights and has thus partially achieved justice in breakdowns.Really solid paragraph - Evidence is phenomenal. Watch that you are always evaluating, not just describing, the legal frameworks.

The law has been partly effective in achieving justice for de facto and married couples in terms of allocating property after relationship breakdowns. One avenue that the law facilitates are financial agreements, established under s90B-S90BD for married couples, and following the Family Law Amendment (De Facto Financial Matters and Other Measures) Act 2008, s90UB-S90UD for de facto couples. Its high accessibility is continued as agreements can be formed at any time and are legally binding without courts. Nice, you introduce the mechanism then immediately evaluate. Consequently, the law has placed stringent criteria to protect parties’ rights. For instance, s90G outlines that two lawyers are required as advisers. This brings forth issues of equality and fairness in that those with less financial power are prone to loopholes in agreements. Further complexities pertinent to financial agreements have led to them being set aside, as in Black v Black (2008). This prompted the Federal Justice System Amendment Act (2009), allowing courts to apply discretion in upholding agreements even when technicalities are not adhered to. Was this an effective or an ineffective change? Evaluate EVERY piece of evidence you present. The ABC article (16/5/16) also suggests that a “lack of government funding” in Legal Aid for family matters is “destroying lives,” thus inhibiting access to justice. This is reinforced by a report from the University of Adelaide, detailing that woman receive 9%, compared to the 61% ex-partners receive of marital assets, yet when legal aid was used, there was an estimated average of a 55/45% split. Thus demonstrating, what? How does this relate? Be careful not to go onto "content vomits," where although you have amazing knowledge, you aren't using everything in the most effective way! Courts also have the power of arbitration to resolve disputes in property allocation, accessible for both de facto couples under s90F, s90M and S75, s79 for married couples. Specifically, s79 pursues fairness, where “the court may make such order” of the alteration of property interests. However, due to the no-fault divorce principle, emotional strain has been unfairly dismissed as a factor in determining property allocation. This is in light of research by the Australian Institute of Family Studies, with 24% of men and 12% of women feeling isolated after 2 years of divorce. Greater need to protect individual’s rights has seen domestic violence and other misconduct be factored into property allocation, evident in Kennon v Kennon (1997). However, this has led to contradictions in other cases, such as Palmer & Palmer (2010), which dismissed the principles in the Kennon case as obiter dicta. Although reform has been made to improve the protection of rights, inadequate consideration of parties for parties in statute law, in addition to the inconsistencies arising in common law have culminated in a partial effectiveness of achieving justice in breakdowns. Another AMAZING paragraph for evidence, and a little better analytically, but still work to do there. I want you to take more time to evaluate each piece of evidence/group of evidence, explain how it relates to your argument. Basically, you are throwing a few dozen $2 cheeseburgers from Maccas at me. I want half a dozen Big Macs!

The law’s facilitation of comprehensive child arrangements have been moderately effective during relationship breakdowns. In line with Australia’s international and natural law obligation to forefront children’s rights during breakdowns, article 3 of the Convention on the Rights of the Child (1989) stating “the best interests of the child shall be a primary consideration” have been embedded into s60B of the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth). Nice - It is really easy to forget treaties in the Family option. Excellent work for including them. One arrangement adopting this notion are parenting plans, established under s63B with access branching to both de facto and married couples. Regarding these plan’s fairness, the National Alternative Dispute Resolution Advisory Council’s has written they are “capable of easy alteration to meet the changing needs of the child” and can identify potentially contentious issues “in as a positive a way as possible.” However, in a 2009 report by the Australian Psychological Society ‘Parenting after separation,’ only 25% of parents have a cooperative relationship, thus limiting the protection of children’s rights. Good. In response, the law has established legally binding parenting orders under s64B, again accessible to all parties, which strives to improve fairness and equality by placing the onus on the courts to determine child arrangements. Good - Nice use of the key terms 'accessible, fairness, equality' etc. Watch for emotive language, "strives" rings an alarm for me. As written in the Australian (6/2/2010), parental responsibility has been another issue in arrangements for children - The AIF reported that before 2006, there was a “presumption in favour of an 80:20 outcome” for mothers, clearly deviating away from an equal and fair protection of children’s rights to both parents. Excellent. Consequently, the Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility) Act 2006 was introduced, establishing equal shared responsibility to encourage children to maintain meaningful relationships with parents. This improved fairness in that judicial discretion is used to determine parental responsibility based on greatest caring capacity, but crucially still maintaining a parental relationship for children’s development. At the same time, this exposes children to domestic violent parents, as was the case in Robins v Ruddock (2010), where the two daughters were ordered to spend a small amount of time with their father, a convicted child sex offender, frankly neglecting their protection. THIS is the perfect level of detail. See how you are properly explaining and analysing this argument you are leading us through? This is the perfect balance. A 2013 Family Matters publication recounted that there was likely to be “entrenched conflict” from shared responsibility beyond the relationship breakdown. This prompted the Family Law Legislation Amendment (Family Violence and Other Measures) Act 2011, wherein the “need to protect the child from physical or psychological harm” has greater weight than a meaningful parental relationship, consequently improving fairness for children. Whilst arrangements for children are paramount, MRR v GR (2010) highlights how the law protects parent’s rights where shared responsibility was impractical to uphold equal shared responsibility due to the deteriorating circumstance of a party. Therefore, while there are still issues that must be addressed regarding arrangements for children, the law has reasonably achieved justice for them in relationship breakdowns. This is probably your strongest paragraph - The argument was more fleshed out than the prior two. Nicely done.

Overall, the Family Law Act has primarily established the foundation for providing guidance, comprehensive arrangements for children and allocating property during relationship breakdowns. Issues of inconsistency and complexity are still prevalent for the protection of individual’s rights, and therefore, the law has been partially effective in achieving justice. I'd normally like a beefier conclusion, but I think this does the job reasonably well.

Incredible essay David, truly stellar stuff. Your evidence is just, well, incredible. Probably the best essay in terms of breadth and depth of Legal evidence I've read in a long time. Well done!

What you need to work on is what you do with that evidence. I wrote in a comment, you are giving me a few dozen $2 cheeseburgers in those first two paragraphs. You cram a HEAP of evidence in, and that's great, but you don't do much to link them to your argument. It's either missing or implied. What I want you to do instead is give me just a few Big Macs, some groups of evidence that logically flow together and are linked cleverly to your argument. YOu did this well in your final paragraph!

In terms of things to cut - I know you probably worked so hard to get them, but I don't feel the section numbers are adding a whole lot for you, in most of the cases you use them. Sometimes they work, sometimes they just seem like they are adding clutter to your response. Try it out - It could be smoother to remove some of them and just reference the law itself. Additionally, watch for places (early half primarily) where you are just describing the mechanism. Don't do that - Cut it and jump straight into judging it, providing only the barest of details as to what it actually is :)

Fantastic essay though my friend, easily strong Band 6 material if you tidy up how you use that evidence ;D

(Yep, you can discuss those things for that other question!) :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on April 27, 2017, 04:36:54 am
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on April 27, 2017, 12:03:25 am
What you need to work on is what you do with that evidence. I wrote in a comment, you are giving me a few dozen $2 cheeseburgers in those first two paragraphs. You cram a HEAP of evidence in, and that's great, but you don't do much to link them to your argument. It's either missing or implied. What I want you to do instead is give me just a few Big Macs, some groups of evidence that logically flow together and are linked cleverly to your argument. YOu did this well in your final paragraph!

I will definitely be using this McDonalds analogy in the future. Love it! :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 05, 2017, 10:30:29 pm
I attempted to respond to this question but I'm not how to critically reflect my understanding of it

Spoiler

Discuss the following statement: ‘Since federation, the balance of power has slowly shifted from the states to a dominance of the federal government.’  Investigate this topic and prepare an in-class essay that reflects a CRITICAL understanding of the topic.


Essay: Argue for the statement.


The Founding Fathers intended Australia to be a coordinate or cooperative federal system.  Since Federation in 1901, Australia has become more coercive over time in the regards that power has slowly shifted from the states to federal government. Power comes with the ability to make law. The Constitution divides legislative powers between the Commonwealth and the States into exclusive, concurrent and residual powers. However,the balance of power has undeniably shifted numerous powers from the states to Commonwealth validating its dominance. There are three main reasons that have influenced Australian federation becoming more coercive. These reasons include evolving High Court interpretation, the referral of powers and Vertical Fiscal Imbalance


One reason that influenced the shift of power from the States to Federal government was evolving High Court interpretation. High Court decisions have been the most important mechanism for constitutional change in Australia and has a tremendous influence over the federal balance of power. These decisions are derived from the High Court's interpretation.It is assumed that the High Court’s interpretation should lack bias in their decisions.Australia’s Constitution divides the powers within the Australian federation by making all the powers exclusive, concurrent or residual. Concurrent powers means that the Commonwealth and the States may both pass laws. However, when these laws are conflict the dominance of the Commonwealth over the State is evidently supported by section 109 where state(s) laws are invalid if they conflict with Commonwealth law. The fact that the High Court favours the Commonwealth under section 109 shows a shift in power. Despite the fact, that the High Court’s major role is the hearing of challenges to the constitutionality of Federal and State laws. When the High Court interprets a case in which any of the exclusive or concurrent powers are in dispute the outcome can redefine the power(s) and so change the balance of powers between the levels of government. The shift of power from the States to the Federal government is evident in the Engineers Case in 1920 where Justices Higgins and Isaacs ruled that Commonwealth Government had the authority of the Commonwealth Arbitration Commission to determine conditions of workers in WA Government Railways (concurrent powers, s51). Overall, the judgements of the High Court have shifted the federal balance of favour of the Commonwealth.


The referral of power is another reason that influenced the shift of power from the states to federal government. Referral of powers is when States may voluntarily hand over responsibilities to the Commonwealth Government. Section 51 makes it possible for States to pass powers to the Commonwealth if they choose to do so. This means that the Commonwealth has the power to make laws in regards to those referred matters. As a result of the referral of powers the Commonwealth Government has been strengthened within the federation.The referral of powers to the Commonwealth is an irreversible process. New laws only to the State concerned the State(s) cannot have the power returned.A referral of power affects only the referring state- all the other states retain their power.The referral of power by a State to the Commonwealth changes the balance of Powers within the federation. 2003 - The commonwealth Government enacted the Criminal Code Amendment (Terrorism) Act after all States referred powers relating to this act to the Commonwealth Government. Another example is 2001 - states referred powers regarding incorporation processes to the Commonwealth. The resulting Corporations Act (2001) is a result of a combination of referral of corporation's powers by the States to the Commonwealth. As a result of the referral of powers the Commonwealth government has been strengthened within federation.


Other reasons that influenced the shift of power from States to Federal government was Vertical Fiscal Imbalance. The revenue/expenditure imbalance is approximately 30% in favour of the Commonwealth. This situation is referred to as the vertical fiscal imbalance or VFI. The Founding Fathers were aware that the Commonwealth would end up collecting surplus revenues. Section 87 and Section 96 were written into the Constitution to deal with the imbalance of revenue in favour of the Commonwealth. Section 94 required the Commonwealth to distribute its surplus revenues to the States in any manner that the Parliament ‘deemed fair’. However, after 1901 the Commonwealth Parliament taking into the consideration Section 94 deemed it fair to pay all its surplus revenue into trust funds to cover future spending. This eliminated the surplus and left no money to distribute to the States.  The States challenged this in the Surplus Revenue case but the High Court found the Commonwealth’s action was constitutional. Over time from 1901 sections 90, 96 and 87 have developed over time to favour the Commonwealth over the States. Uniform Tax Case 1 (1942) - decrease in state power as they lost an important revenue stream of income tax to the Commonwealth. The Commonwealth now has much greater share of revenue collecting than the states. Changes relating to revenue collection in 1901 and the early years after Federation, the Commonwealth Government did not have responsibility for collection of income taxation as this was a state responsibility. After the High Court decisions in the 1st and 2nd Uniform Tax Cases (1942 and 1957) the responsibility for collection of income taxation became a Commonwealth responsibility which increased their revenue at the cost of the states. The federal government's dominance is evident by the fact that Sections designed to protect State revenues by the Founding fathers are now considered redundant and have developed to favour the Commonwealth.


The balance of power has slowly shifted from the states to a dominance of the federal government since federation. Three main reasons for this include evolving High court interpretation, referral of powers and Vertical Fiscal Imbalance.



Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: kiiaaa on May 07, 2017, 10:16:44 am
Hello everyone!

I was wondering if you could please mark this essay of mine. i couldnt find that many cases however and im not sure if i have talked enough about its effectivness.
thanks heaps guys!  :) :) :) :) :)

EVALUATE THE EFFECTIVENESS OF SENTENCING AND PUNISHMENT AS A MEANS OF ACHIEVING JUSTICE

Judges must balance the rights of victims, society and the offender when sentencing in court to ensure an adequate punishment is imposed, that isn’t too severe for the offender, retributed for the victim and acts as a general deterrence to society. Victims play a pivotal role in sentencing primarily through victim impact statements which are considered by the judge when determining a punishment. In addition, the judge must consider alternatives methods to sentencing including circle sentencing and restorative justice. The judge must also consider post sentencing considerations during the sentencing process. Thus, justice for the stakeholders are achieved to a certain level having the judge consider various aspects before and after determining a sentence.
The victims can have a significant role within the criminal justice system, from reporting the crime, testifying at trial and submitting a victim Impact statement. The victim impact statement is a voluntary statement written by either the victim or the family about the impact of the crime upon them, providing them an opportunity to let the court know the effect of the crime either physically or psychologically. It falls under the NSW Charter of Victim’s Rights and was introduced as a result of the “disturbing lack of confidence in the justice system’s ability to effectively bring people to justice and meet the need of victims of crime” (Victims must be heard in sentencing” NSW Attorney General John Hatzistergos 2010). Further rights such as respect of the victim’s dignity and protection of identity and from the accused are ensured under the Victim’s Right Act 1996 (NSW). However, the drawbacks of the Victim Impact Statement lie in it being unsworn thus allows room for the victim to fabricate as well as acting as an aggravating factor for the offender which can impact their notion of justice being achieved. Hence victim impact statement only provide justice to a certain degree as it can impact the offender
It is imperative for courts to consider alternatives to sentencing being circle sentencing and restorative justice as means of achieving justice especially for the offender and society. Circle sentencing is a more traditional method of dispute resolution forming part of Aboriginal customary law made up of a magistrate and aboriginal elders aimed at improving the community’s confidence in the justice system as well as reducing recidivism. However, whilst it may be extremely effective for Aboriginal people having strong ties to their culture, BOSCAR evaluated that circle sentencing has failed to reduce the risk of re-offending by indigenous offenders thus displaying the further review is required in the operations of circle sentencing. Restorative justice is a voluntary conference allowing both the victim and offender to interact. While it allows the victims to find a sense of closure having talked to the offender it also proves to be confronting to the offender having seen the impact of their actions thus ask for an apology, show remorse and be responsible for their actions. While it combats the issue of the victim feeling they weren’t playing an active part in the sentencing process the Australian Bureau of Crime statistics and Research showed that youth conferencing on a large scale proved effective having reduced re-offending by 15-20% regardless of factors such as gender, criminal history and Aboriginality of the offender. However, for those over 18 it can be less effective as a criminal pattern may have been established thus difficult to break. Thus, while post sentencing consideration have been effective in achieving justice this it isn’t in majority of the cases as usually recidivism does occur thus not effectively balancing society’s rights hence suggesting further development required. 
It is the court’s role to consider post sentencing considerations in order to help protect the rights of victims and society. Parole being the conditional release of a prisoner from custody after the completion of the minimum sentence encapsulates the ideology of it being an incentive for the offender to rehabilitate as well as make their integration into the community much easier. Preventive detention under the Terrorism (police Powers) Act 2002 (NSW) does protect society from being a potential victim as it removes the person’s right to freedom despite having not committed the offence hence not achieving justice for the offender that has their rights stripped from them despite there being no actus reus. Continued detention is another preventative method involving the ongoing detention of the offender once their sentence is complete if the court is satisfied there is a high degree of probability that the offender will reoffend under the Crimes (Serious sex offenders) Act 2006 (NSW). The court aims to ensure the protection of the community at the expense of the offender having to further rehabilitate and compromising their freedom. Although these methods are highly controversial they are effective in their prime aim being to protect the rights of victims and society and thus achieve justice in those terms but does it at the expense of the offender’s rights.
Hence while the criminal justice system is effective in its sentencing and punishment it is only to a certain degree as it does involve the compromise of one stakeholder’s rights in order to balance the other’s.

Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 07, 2017, 06:46:51 pm
Quote from: anotherworld2b on May 05, 2017, 10:30:29 pm
I attempted to respond to this question but I'm not how to critically reflect my understanding of it

Hey anotherworld,

For what it's worth, I know literally nothing about the way powers have shifted since federation, so I'm going to give this my best shot but I won't be able to comment on accuracy or suggest other points for you, I'm sorry! It's just not in the HSC syllabus. If LOVEPHYSICS knows any better you might get an extra hand :) I'll give it a go!

Spoiler
Discuss the following statement: ‘Since federation, the balance of power has slowly shifted from the states to a dominance of the federal government.’  Investigate this topic and prepare an in-class essay that reflects a CRITICAL understanding of the topic.


Essay: Argue for the statement.


The Founding Fathers intended Australia to be a coordinate or cooperative federal system.  Since Federation in 1901, Australia has become more coercive over time in the regards that power has slowly shifted from the states to federal government. Power comes with the ability to make law. The Constitution divides legislative powers between the Commonwealth and the States into exclusive, concurrent and residual powers. However,the balance of power has undeniably shifted numerous powers from the states to Commonwealth validating its dominance. There are three main reasons that have influenced Australian federation becoming more coercive. These reasons include evolving High Court interpretation, the referral of powers and Vertical Fiscal Imbalance. This sounds good to me!


One reason that influenced From a fluency point of view, I don't think this makes perfect sense. "One reason for the shift of power..." does make sense. the shift of power from the States to Federal government was evolving High Court interpretation. High Court decisions have been the most important mechanism for constitutional change in Australia and has a tremendous influence over the federal balance of power. These decisions are derived from the High Court's interpretation. It is assumed or "expected"? that the High Court’s interpretation should lack bias in their decisions.Australia’s Constitution divides the powers within the Australian federation by making all the powers exclusive, concurrent or residual. Concurrent powers means that the Commonwealth and the States may both pass laws. However, when these laws are conflict the dominance of the Commonwealth over the State is evidently supported by section 109 where state(s) laws are invalid if they conflict with Commonwealth law. The fact that the High Court favours the Commonwealth under section 109 shows a shift in power. This could be my ignorance, but did the High Court ever not favour the Commonwealth? In order to show a shift, we need to show a starting point and an ending point. Despite the fact, that the High Court’s major role is the hearing of challenges to the constitutionality of Federal and State laws. When the High Court interprets a case in which any of the exclusive or concurrent powers are in dispute the outcome can redefine the power(s) and so change the balance of powers between the levels of government. The shift of power from the States to the Federal government is evident in the Engineers Case in 1920 where Justices Higgins and Isaacs ruled that Commonwealth Government had the authority of the Commonwealth Arbitration Commission to determine conditions of workers in WA Government Railways (concurrent powers, s51). Overall, the judgements of the High Court have shifted the federal balance of favour of the Commonwealth.


The referral of power is another element of the Australian legal system that influencedreason that influenced the shift of power from the states to federal government. Referral of powers is when States may voluntarily hand over responsibilities to the Commonwealth Government. Section 51 of? makes it possible for States to pass powers to the Commonwealth if they choose to do so. This means that the Commonwealth has the power to make laws in regards to those referred matters. As a result of the referral of powers the Commonwealth Government has been strengthened within the federation. Good argument! The referral of powers to the Commonwealth is an irreversible process. New laws only to the State concerned the State(s) cannot have the power returned.A referral of power affects only the referring state- all the other states retain their power.The referral of power by a State to the Commonwealth changes the balance of Powers within the federation. 2003 - The commonwealth Government enacted the Criminal Code Amendment (Terrorism) Act after all States referred powers relating to this act to the Commonwealth Government. Another example is 2001 - states referred powers regarding incorporation processes to the Commonwealth. The resulting Corporations Act (2001) is a result of a combination of referral of corporation's powers by the States to the Commonwealth. As a result of the referral of powers the Commonwealth government has been strengthened within federation. I suggest adjusting the wording a bit here, when I read it I assumed you had written the same sentence twice and it jars instead of proving your point. Perhaps this kind of thing doesn't matter much in WACE, but I'll suggest it anyway! :)


Other reasons that influenced the shift of power from States to Federal government was Vertical Fiscal Imbalance. The revenue/expenditure imbalance is approximately 30% in favour of the Commonwealth. This situation is referred to as the vertical fiscal imbalance or VFI. The Founding Fathers were aware that the Commonwealth would end up collecting surplus revenues. Section 87 and Section 96 were written into the Constitution to deal with the imbalance of revenue in favour of the Commonwealth. Section 94 required the Commonwealth to distribute its surplus revenues to the States in any manner that the Parliament ‘deemed fair’. However, after 1901 the Commonwealth Parliament taking into the consideration Section 94 deemed it fair to pay all its surplus revenue into trust funds to cover future spending. This eliminated the surplus and left no money to distribute to the States.  The States challenged this in the Surplus Revenue case but the High Court found the Commonwealth’s action was constitutional. Over time from 1901 sections 90, 96 and 87 of what document? have developed over time to favour the Commonwealth over the States. Uniform Tax Case 1 (1942) - decrease in state power as they lost an important revenue stream of income tax to the Commonwealth. The Commonwealth now has much greater share of revenue collecting than the states. Changes relating to revenue collection in 1901 and the early years after Federation, the Commonwealth Government did not have responsibility for collection of income taxation as this was a state responsibility. After the High Court decisions in the 1st and 2nd Uniform Tax Cases (1942 and 1957) the responsibility for collection of income taxation became a Commonwealth responsibility which increased their revenue at the cost of the states. The federal government's dominance is evident by the fact that Sections designed to protect State revenues by the Founding fathers are now considered redundant and have developed to favour the Commonwealth. Great examples and a solid argument!


The balance of power has slowly shifted from the states to a dominance of the federal government since federation. Three main reasons for this include evolving High court interpretation, referral of powers and Vertical Fiscal Imbalance.

Looks like a neat and tidy little response to me! Everything you've suggested is supported well, I think you should be pleased with this! You'll have to excuse my ignorance with some parts of this, but hopefully it gives a few small pointers and overall affirms your work :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: anotherworld2b on May 07, 2017, 07:01:23 pm
thank you for your feedback :D
I really appreciate it :)
Quote from: elysepopplewell on May 07, 2017, 06:46:51 pm
Hey anotherworld,

For what it's worth, I know literally nothing about the way powers have shifted since federation, so I'm going to give this my best shot but I won't be able to comment on accuracy or suggest other points for you, I'm sorry! It's just not in the HSC syllabus. If LOVEPHYSICS knows any better you might get an extra hand :) I'll give it a go!

Spoiler
Discuss the following statement: ‘Since federation, the balance of power has slowly shifted from the states to a dominance of the federal government.’  Investigate this topic and prepare an in-class essay that reflects a CRITICAL understanding of the topic.


Essay: Argue for the statement.


The Founding Fathers intended Australia to be a coordinate or cooperative federal system.  Since Federation in 1901, Australia has become more coercive over time in the regards that power has slowly shifted from the states to federal government. Power comes with the ability to make law. The Constitution divides legislative powers between the Commonwealth and the States into exclusive, concurrent and residual powers. However,the balance of power has undeniably shifted numerous powers from the states to Commonwealth validating its dominance. There are three main reasons that have influenced Australian federation becoming more coercive. These reasons include evolving High Court interpretation, the referral of powers and Vertical Fiscal Imbalance. This sounds good to me!


One reason that influenced From a fluency point of view, I don't think this makes perfect sense. "One reason for the shift of power..." does make sense. the shift of power from the States to Federal government was evolving High Court interpretation. High Court decisions have been the most important mechanism for constitutional change in Australia and has a tremendous influence over the federal balance of power. These decisions are derived from the High Court's interpretation. It is assumed or "expected"? that the High Court’s interpretation should lack bias in their decisions.Australia’s Constitution divides the powers within the Australian federation by making all the powers exclusive, concurrent or residual. Concurrent powers means that the Commonwealth and the States may both pass laws. However, when these laws are conflict the dominance of the Commonwealth over the State is evidently supported by section 109 where state(s) laws are invalid if they conflict with Commonwealth law. The fact that the High Court favours the Commonwealth under section 109 shows a shift in power. This could be my ignorance, but did the High Court ever not favour the Commonwealth? In order to show a shift, we need to show a starting point and an ending point. Despite the fact, that the High Court’s major role is the hearing of challenges to the constitutionality of Federal and State laws. When the High Court interprets a case in which any of the exclusive or concurrent powers are in dispute the outcome can redefine the power(s) and so change the balance of powers between the levels of government. The shift of power from the States to the Federal government is evident in the Engineers Case in 1920 where Justices Higgins and Isaacs ruled that Commonwealth Government had the authority of the Commonwealth Arbitration Commission to determine conditions of workers in WA Government Railways (concurrent powers, s51). Overall, the judgements of the High Court have shifted the federal balance of favour of the Commonwealth.


The referral of power is another element of the Australian legal system that influencedreason that influenced the shift of power from the states to federal government. Referral of powers is when States may voluntarily hand over responsibilities to the Commonwealth Government. Section 51 of? makes it possible for States to pass powers to the Commonwealth if they choose to do so. This means that the Commonwealth has the power to make laws in regards to those referred matters. As a result of the referral of powers the Commonwealth Government has been strengthened within the federation. Good argument! The referral of powers to the Commonwealth is an irreversible process. New laws only to the State concerned the State(s) cannot have the power returned.A referral of power affects only the referring state- all the other states retain their power.The referral of power by a State to the Commonwealth changes the balance of Powers within the federation. 2003 - The commonwealth Government enacted the Criminal Code Amendment (Terrorism) Act after all States referred powers relating to this act to the Commonwealth Government. Another example is 2001 - states referred powers regarding incorporation processes to the Commonwealth. The resulting Corporations Act (2001) is a result of a combination of referral of corporation's powers by the States to the Commonwealth. As a result of the referral of powers the Commonwealth government has been strengthened within federation. I suggest adjusting the wording a bit here, when I read it I assumed you had written the same sentence twice and it jars instead of proving your point. Perhaps this kind of thing doesn't matter much in WACE, but I'll suggest it anyway! :)


Other reasons that influenced the shift of power from States to Federal government was Vertical Fiscal Imbalance. The revenue/expenditure imbalance is approximately 30% in favour of the Commonwealth. This situation is referred to as the vertical fiscal imbalance or VFI. The Founding Fathers were aware that the Commonwealth would end up collecting surplus revenues. Section 87 and Section 96 were written into the Constitution to deal with the imbalance of revenue in favour of the Commonwealth. Section 94 required the Commonwealth to distribute its surplus revenues to the States in any manner that the Parliament ‘deemed fair’. However, after 1901 the Commonwealth Parliament taking into the consideration Section 94 deemed it fair to pay all its surplus revenue into trust funds to cover future spending. This eliminated the surplus and left no money to distribute to the States.  The States challenged this in the Surplus Revenue case but the High Court found the Commonwealth’s action was constitutional. Over time from 1901 sections 90, 96 and 87 of what document? have developed over time to favour the Commonwealth over the States. Uniform Tax Case 1 (1942) - decrease in state power as they lost an important revenue stream of income tax to the Commonwealth. The Commonwealth now has much greater share of revenue collecting than the states. Changes relating to revenue collection in 1901 and the early years after Federation, the Commonwealth Government did not have responsibility for collection of income taxation as this was a state responsibility. After the High Court decisions in the 1st and 2nd Uniform Tax Cases (1942 and 1957) the responsibility for collection of income taxation became a Commonwealth responsibility which increased their revenue at the cost of the states. The federal government's dominance is evident by the fact that Sections designed to protect State revenues by the Founding fathers are now considered redundant and have developed to favour the Commonwealth. Great examples and a solid argument!


The balance of power has slowly shifted from the states to a dominance of the federal government since federation. Three main reasons for this include evolving High court interpretation, referral of powers and Vertical Fiscal Imbalance.

Looks like a neat and tidy little response to me! Everything you've suggested is supported well, I think you should be pleased with this! You'll have to excuse my ignorance with some parts of this, but hopefully it gives a few small pointers and overall affirms your work :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 07, 2017, 07:37:54 pm
Quote from: kiiaaa on May 07, 2017, 10:16:44 am
Hello everyone!
I was wondering if you could please mark this essay of mine. i couldnt find that many cases however and im not sure if i have talked enough about its effectiveness.
thanks heaps guys!  :) :) :) :) :)

Hey Kiiaaa! We can mark this for you :)

Spoiler
EVALUATE THE EFFECTIVENESS OF SENTENCING AND PUNISHMENT AS A MEANS OF ACHIEVING JUSTICE

Judges must balance the rights of victims, society and the offender when sentencing in court to ensure an adequate punishment is imposed, that isn’t too severe for the offender, retributed for the victim odd phrasing, I suggest adjusting this so we don't lose meaning. and acts as a general deterrence to society. Victims play a pivotal role in sentencing primarily through victim impact statements which are considered by the judge when determining a punishment. In addition, the judge must consider alternatives methods to sentencing including circle sentencing and restorative justice. The judge must also consider post sentencing considerations during the sentencing process. Thus, justice for the stakeholders are achieved to a certain level having the judge consider various aspects before and after determining a sentence. I think I want to reverse this intro a little. Your judgement finally comes at the end, but I'd love to see it first up so we can view your entire essay through the lens of your argument! So, in the first sentence you identified who the people are that you will be marking the effectiveness against, but didn't actually make comment on the effectiveness, nor did "means of achieving justice" get a mention in the intro! Legal intros aren't the thing that will necessarily drop you a band if done poorly, it's just a matter of setting the right tone for your essay from the very start. If this were my essay, the first sentence would be outright making the judgement on how it is a means for achieving justice, and perhaps I'd identify the three groups I want to consider the justice for. Then the rest of the introduction can flow on from there, but I think that judgement is important because it was only delivered in your last sentence of the intro.
The victims can have a significant role within the criminal justice system, from reporting the crime, testifying at trial and submitting a victim Impact statement. The victim impact statement is a voluntary statement written by either the victim or the family about the impact of the crime upon them, providing them an opportunity to let the court know the effect of the crime either physically or psychologically. It falls under the NSW Charter of Victim’s Rights and was introduced as a result of the “disturbing lack of confidence in the justice system’s ability to effectively bring people to justice and meet the need of victims of crime” (Victims must be heard in sentencing” NSW Attorney General John Hatzistergos 2010). Wonderful quote!!! Further rights such as respect of the victim’s dignity and protection of identity and from the accused are ensured under the Victim’s Right Act 1996 (NSW). However, the drawbacks of the Victim Impact Statement lie in it being unsworn thus allows room for the victim to fabricate as well as acting as an aggravating factor for the offender which can impact their notion of justice being achieved With the argument about it being an aggravating factor - I think you need to flesh this out more. This isn't necessarily a drawback, in fact, the VIS is delivered in an emotive way quite often to fully provide scope of the impact of the crime on the victim, hoping that the judge will make the right sentencing decision based on how the crime affected the victim, THUS achieving justice for the victim. So you can say that perhaps a dramatised VIS will sway a judge into a harsher sentence than what would be suitable to be just, as it is so emotive rather than going by the facts of legislation, but I think you'd need to prove both sides of the coin here. . Hence victim impact statement only provide justice to a certain degree as it can impact the offender Similar to the introduction, the delivery of the argument comes at the end of the paragraph. I'd love to see it at the beginning as well, and linked to throughout. That way there is no question in a marker's mind about which argument you are trying to nail home. I'll suggest some other points for you to discuss when it comes to victims as well, because you've touched on a few points without really engaging with them (as I've suggested how to when talking about VIS). So hopefully this gives you an idea on how to go about this. So, still on the topic of VIS - consider the way they can be delivered by CCTV now after amendments to the act, consider the fact that families can deliver the VIS for deceased victims (also consider how this could be seen as unfair if a victim has no family, therefore they miss the opportunity to have a VIS presented), consider the R V Bilal Skaf case and how that was called to retrial, and how the victim's evidence was handled in that (another case for you!). In the R V Osland case,link to media interview here, Osland claimed she was too traumatised to present her evidence in a court, thus she never got to provide the full scope of the events... "I got so traumatised (in court) that no matter what questions they put to me I just couldn’t remember. I know that at one stage the prosecutor was firing all these questions at me and I was just agreeing with him. Whatever he said, I just said yes, when I should have said no. I was saying no when I should have been saying yes. The more they pressured me the more I started to close down." In saying this, the Osland case is unique because Osland was a victim of domestic violence, but she killed her husband. So she was on trial for the murder, but a victim of the DV crime. Still usable for your argument!
It is imperative for courts to consider alternatives to sentencing being circle sentencing Not sure what this means? Do you mean, "such as circle sentencing...?and restorative justice as means of achieving justice especially for the offender and society. Circle sentencing is a more traditional method of dispute resolution forming part of Aboriginal customary law made up of a magistrate and aboriginal elders aimed at improving the community’s confidence in the justice system as well as reducing recidivism. However, whilst it may be extremely effective for Aboriginal people having strong ties to their culture, BOSCAR evaluated that circle sentencing has failed to reduce the risk of re-offending by indigenous offenders thus displaying the further review is required in the operations of circle sentencing. Do you have the exact stats? Restorative justice is a voluntary conference allowing both the victim and offender to interact. While it allows the victims to find a sense of closure having talked to the offender it also proves to be confronting to the offender having seen the impact of their actions thus ask for an apology awkward wording, show remorse and be responsible for their actions. While it combats the issue of the victim feeling they weren’t playing an active part in the sentencing process,comma the Australian Bureau of Crime statistics and Research showed that youth conferencing on a large scale proved effective having reduced re-offending by 15-20% regardless of factors such as gender, criminal history and Aboriginality of the offender. However, for those over 18 it can be less effective as a criminal pattern may have been established thus difficult to break. Thus, while post sentencing consideration have been effective in achieving justice this it isn’t in majority of the cases as usually recidivism does occur thus not effectively balancing society’s rights hence suggesting further development required.  This paragraph raises some good points, but it is written in a way that detracts from the arguments a bit. It's just a bit convoluted. I'll suggest a basic structure that you can slide your argument into, and then adjust everything within it as you please in order to suit your writing style!

Sentence one: Identify argument and effectiveness
-Provide background (what legislation is it in? What is it? When did it come into play? Whatever is necessary
-Give fact/argument/statistic
-Is this effective for the victim/suspect/offender? To what degree? Who benefits most or least?
-Any last stat/fact to back that up?
-Next argument.

It seems too simple, but I know when you're writing a legal essay you're trying to engage with so many different points at the one time and you're trying to draw on quotes and reports and legislation and all the rest. So if you kind of pull all the evidence back, and then slot it into a neat little structure, you'll find yourself really making a far more convincing argument :)

It is the court’s role to consider post sentencing considerations in order to help protect the rights of victims and society. Parole being the conditional release of a prisoner from custody after the completion of the minimum sentence encapsulates the ideology of it being an incentive for the offender to rehabilitate as well as make their integration into the community much easier. Preventive detention under the Terrorism (police Powers) Act 2002 (NSW) does protect society from being a potential victim as it removes the person’s right to freedom despite having not committed the offence hence not achieving justice for the offender that has their rights stripped from them despite there being no actus reus. Continued detention is another preventative method involving the ongoing detention of the offender once their sentence is complete if the court is satisfied there is a high degree of probability that the offender will reoffend under the Crimes (Serious sex offenders) Act 2006 (NSW). The court aims to ensure the protection of the community at the expense of the offender having to further rehabilitate and compromising their freedom. Although these methods are highly controversial they are effective in their prime aim being to protect the rights of victims and society and thus achieve justice in those terms but does it at the expense of the offender’s rights.
Hence while the criminal justice system is effective in its sentencing and punishment it is only to a certain degree as it does involve the compromise of one stakeholder’s rights in order to balance the other’s.

I've put the vast majority of my comments within the spoiler, so just look for the bold font :) What I do like about what you're doing is trying to engage with the different perspectives at once, and by engaging with the victim, society, and the offender with each point you make. Unfortunately, the clarity of the argument does get lost a little as you do this. The clearest paragraph is the one that focuses on the VIS, and I think it's no coincidence that it has happened because you are focusing on the group of victims, with mention of the society and offender too. It's ok to privilege one group over the others in a paragraph if it means you're achieving clarity. I don't so much think that the content of your work is a problem, but rather just the way you're expressing it means your argument gets lost. In saying this, when you organise your paragraphs you'll likely see places for improvement in relation to evidence and what not, as you clear the way to slide more of that in. Where I've seen places for improving the argument, I've suggested cases and links.

Ultimately, this is not at all a bad essay. I can really see that you understand a lot of what is being asked of you, we just need to work on a way of expressing that in a way that reveals what you really know! Let me know if you have more questions - I know this is a lot to take in! :)

Quote from: anotherworld2b on May 07, 2017, 07:01:23 pm
thank you for your feedback :D
I really appreciate it :)

No worries anotherworld :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: kiiaaa on May 07, 2017, 07:41:01 pm
Quote from: elysepopplewell on May 07, 2017, 07:37:54 pm
Hey Kiiaaa! We can mark this for you :)

Spoiler
EVALUATE THE EFFECTIVENESS OF SENTENCING AND PUNISHMENT AS A MEANS OF ACHIEVING JUSTICE

Judges must balance the rights of victims, society and the offender when sentencing in court to ensure an adequate punishment is imposed, that isn’t too severe for the offender, retributed for the victim odd phrasing, I suggest adjusting this so we don't lose meaning. and acts as a general deterrence to society. Victims play a pivotal role in sentencing primarily through victim impact statements which are considered by the judge when determining a punishment. In addition, the judge must consider alternatives methods to sentencing including circle sentencing and restorative justice. The judge must also consider post sentencing considerations during the sentencing process. Thus, justice for the stakeholders are achieved to a certain level having the judge consider various aspects before and after determining a sentence. I think I want to reverse this intro a little. Your judgement finally comes at the end, but I'd love to see it first up so we can view your entire essay through the lens of your argument! So, in the first sentence you identified who the people are that you will be marking the effectiveness against, but didn't actually make comment on the effectiveness, nor did "means of achieving justice" get a mention in the intro! Legal intros aren't the thing that will necessarily drop you a band if done poorly, it's just a matter of setting the right tone for your essay from the very start. If this were my essay, the first sentence would be outright making the judgement on how it is a means for achieving justice, and perhaps I'd identify the three groups I want to consider the justice for. Then the rest of the introduction can flow on from there, but I think that judgement is important because it was only delivered in your last sentence of the intro.
The victims can have a significant role within the criminal justice system, from reporting the crime, testifying at trial and submitting a victim Impact statement. The victim impact statement is a voluntary statement written by either the victim or the family about the impact of the crime upon them, providing them an opportunity to let the court know the effect of the crime either physically or psychologically. It falls under the NSW Charter of Victim’s Rights and was introduced as a result of the “disturbing lack of confidence in the justice system’s ability to effectively bring people to justice and meet the need of victims of crime” (Victims must be heard in sentencing” NSW Attorney General John Hatzistergos 2010). Wonderful quote!!! Further rights such as respect of the victim’s dignity and protection of identity and from the accused are ensured under the Victim’s Right Act 1996 (NSW). However, the drawbacks of the Victim Impact Statement lie in it being unsworn thus allows room for the victim to fabricate as well as acting as an aggravating factor for the offender which can impact their notion of justice being achieved With the argument about it being an aggravating factor - I think you need to flesh this out more. This isn't necessarily a drawback, in fact, the VIS is delivered in an emotive way quite often to fully provide scope of the impact of the crime on the victim, hoping that the judge will make the right sentencing decision based on how the crime affected the victim, THUS achieving justice for the victim. So you can say that perhaps a dramatised VIS will sway a judge into a harsher sentence than what would be suitable to be just, as it is so emotive rather than going by the facts of legislation, but I think you'd need to prove both sides of the coin here. . Hence victim impact statement only provide justice to a certain degree as it can impact the offender Similar to the introduction, the delivery of the argument comes at the end of the paragraph. I'd love to see it at the beginning as well, and linked to throughout. That way there is no question in a marker's mind about which argument you are trying to nail home. I'll suggest some other points for you to discuss when it comes to victims as well, because you've touched on a few points without really engaging with them (as I've suggested how to when talking about VIS). So hopefully this gives you an idea on how to go about this. So, still on the topic of VIS - consider the way they can be delivered by CCTV now after amendments to the act, consider the fact that families can deliver the VIS for deceased victims (also consider how this could be seen as unfair if a victim has no family, therefore they miss the opportunity to have a VIS presented), consider the R V Bilal Skaf case and how that was called to retrial, and how the victim's evidence was handled in that (another case for you!). In the R V Osland case,link to media interview here, Osland claimed she was too traumatised to present her evidence in a court, thus she never got to provide the full scope of the events... "I got so traumatised (in court) that no matter what questions they put to me I just couldn’t remember. I know that at one stage the prosecutor was firing all these questions at me and I was just agreeing with him. Whatever he said, I just said yes, when I should have said no. I was saying no when I should have been saying yes. The more they pressured me the more I started to close down." In saying this, the Osland case is unique because Osland was a victim of domestic violence, but she killed her husband. So she was on trial for the murder, but a victim of the DV crime. Still usable for your argument!
It is imperative for courts to consider alternatives to sentencing being circle sentencing Not sure what this means? Do you mean, "such as circle sentencing...?and restorative justice as means of achieving justice especially for the offender and society. Circle sentencing is a more traditional method of dispute resolution forming part of Aboriginal customary law made up of a magistrate and aboriginal elders aimed at improving the community’s confidence in the justice system as well as reducing recidivism. However, whilst it may be extremely effective for Aboriginal people having strong ties to their culture, BOSCAR evaluated that circle sentencing has failed to reduce the risk of re-offending by indigenous offenders thus displaying the further review is required in the operations of circle sentencing. Do you have the exact stats? Restorative justice is a voluntary conference allowing both the victim and offender to interact. While it allows the victims to find a sense of closure having talked to the offender it also proves to be confronting to the offender having seen the impact of their actions thus ask for an apology awkward wording, show remorse and be responsible for their actions. While it combats the issue of the victim feeling they weren’t playing an active part in the sentencing process,comma the Australian Bureau of Crime statistics and Research showed that youth conferencing on a large scale proved effective having reduced re-offending by 15-20% regardless of factors such as gender, criminal history and Aboriginality of the offender. However, for those over 18 it can be less effective as a criminal pattern may have been established thus difficult to break. Thus, while post sentencing consideration have been effective in achieving justice this it isn’t in majority of the cases as usually recidivism does occur thus not effectively balancing society’s rights hence suggesting further development required.  This paragraph raises some good points, but it is written in a way that detracts from the arguments a bit. It's just a bit convoluted. I'll suggest a basic structure that you can slide your argument into, and then adjust everything within it as you please in order to suit your writing style!

Sentence one: Identify argument and effectiveness
-Provide background (what legislation is it in? What is it? When did it come into play? Whatever is necessary
-Give fact/argument/statistic
-Is this effective for the victim/suspect/offender? To what degree? Who benefits most or least?
-Any last stat/fact to back that up?
-Next argument.

It seems too simple, but I know when you're writing a legal essay you're trying to engage with so many different points at the one time and you're trying to draw on quotes and reports and legislation and all the rest. So if you kind of pull all the evidence back, and then slot it into a neat little structure, you'll find yourself really making a far more convincing argument :)

It is the court’s role to consider post sentencing considerations in order to help protect the rights of victims and society. Parole being the conditional release of a prisoner from custody after the completion of the minimum sentence encapsulates the ideology of it being an incentive for the offender to rehabilitate as well as make their integration into the community much easier. Preventive detention under the Terrorism (police Powers) Act 2002 (NSW) does protect society from being a potential victim as it removes the person’s right to freedom despite having not committed the offence hence not achieving justice for the offender that has their rights stripped from them despite there being no actus reus. Continued detention is another preventative method involving the ongoing detention of the offender once their sentence is complete if the court is satisfied there is a high degree of probability that the offender will reoffend under the Crimes (Serious sex offenders) Act 2006 (NSW). The court aims to ensure the protection of the community at the expense of the offender having to further rehabilitate and compromising their freedom. Although these methods are highly controversial they are effective in their prime aim being to protect the rights of victims and society and thus achieve justice in those terms but does it at the expense of the offender’s rights.
Hence while the criminal justice system is effective in its sentencing and punishment it is only to a certain degree as it does involve the compromise of one stakeholder’s rights in order to balance the other’s.

I've put the vast majority of my comments within the spoiler, so just look for the bold font :) What I do like about what you're doing is trying to engage with the different perspectives at once, and by engaging with the victim, society, and the offender with each point you make. Unfortunately, the clarity of the argument does get lost a little as you do this. The clearest paragraph is the one that focuses on the VIS, and I think it's no coincidence that it has happened because you are focusing on the group of victims, with mention of the society and offender too. It's ok to privilege one group over the others in a paragraph if it means you're achieving clarity. I don't so much think that the content of your work is a problem, but rather just the way you're expressing it means your argument gets lost. In saying this, when you organise your paragraphs you'll likely see places for improvement in relation to evidence and what not, as you clear the way to slide more of that in. Where I've seen places for improving the argument, I've suggested cases and links.

Ultimately, this is not at all a bad essay. I can really see that you understand a lot of what is being asked of you, we just need to work on a way of expressing that in a way that reveals what you really know! Let me know if you have more questions - I know this is a lot to take in! :)

No worries anotherworld :)


Thank you very much elyse!. i really appricate you taking the time for me essay. I'll definatly work on it to re-send.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: LOVEPHYSICS on May 07, 2017, 11:20:02 pm
Hi, I have only gotten through the intro and the first body para. I am a little unsure of some of the points you made in the subsequent paragraphs so I will have to do some checking with the books before getting back to you. Also, please note that I do not know what the expectations are for HSC legal so I can only give you general guidance and point out some legal issues I see.

Quote from: anotherworld2b on May 05, 2017, 10:30:29 pm
I attempted to respond to this question but I'm not how to critically reflect my understanding of it

Spoiler

Discuss the following statement: ‘Since federation, the balance of power has slowly shifted from the states to a dominance of the federal government.’  Investigate this topic and prepare an in-class essay that reflects a CRITICAL understanding of the topic.


Essay: Argue for the statement.


The Founding Fathers intended Australia to be a coordinate or cooperative federal system.  Since Federation in 1901, Australia has become more coercive over time in the regards that power has slowly shifted from the states to federal government. Power comes with the ability to make law. The Constitution divides legislative powers between the Commonwealth and the States into exclusive, concurrent and residual powers. However,the balance of power has undeniably shifted numerous powers from the states to Commonwealth validating its dominance. There are three main reasons that have influenced Australian federation becoming more coercive. These reasons include evolving High Court interpretation, the referral of powers and Vertical Fiscal Imbalance


One reason that influenced the shift of power from the States to Federal government was evolving High Court interpretation. High Court decisions have been the most important mechanism for constitutional change in Australia and has a tremendous influence over the federal balance of power. These decisions are derived from the High Court's interpretation.It is assumed that the High Court’s interpretation should lack bias in their decisions.Australia’s Constitution divides the powers within the Australian federation by making all the powers exclusive, concurrent or residual. Concurrent powers means that the Commonwealth and the States may both pass laws. However, when these laws are conflict the dominance of the Commonwealth over the State is evidently supported by section 109 where state(s) laws are invalid if they conflict with Commonwealth law. The fact that the High Court favours the Commonwealth under section 109 shows a shift in power. Despite the fact, that the High Court’s major role is the hearing of challenges to the constitutionality of Federal and State laws. When the High Court interprets a case in which any of the exclusive or concurrent powers are in dispute the outcome can redefine the power(s) and so change the balance of powers between the levels of government. The shift of power from the States to the Federal government is evident in the Engineers Case in 1920 where Justices Higgins and Isaacs ruled that Commonwealth Government had the authority of the Commonwealth Arbitration Commission to determine conditions of workers in WA Government Railways (concurrent powers, s51). Overall, the judgements of the High Court have shifted the federal balance of favour of the Commonwealth.


The referral of power is another reason that influenced the shift of power from the states to federal government. Referral of powers is when States may voluntarily hand over responsibilities to the Commonwealth Government. Section 51 makes it possible for States to pass powers to the Commonwealth if they choose to do so. This means that the Commonwealth has the power to make laws in regards to those referred matters. As a result of the referral of powers the Commonwealth Government has been strengthened within the federation.The referral of powers to the Commonwealth is an irreversible process. New laws only to the State concerned the State(s) cannot have the power returned.A referral of power affects only the referring state- all the other states retain their power.The referral of power by a State to the Commonwealth changes the balance of Powers within the federation. 2003 - The commonwealth Government enacted the Criminal Code Amendment (Terrorism) Act after all States referred powers relating to this act to the Commonwealth Government. Another example is 2001 - states referred powers regarding incorporation processes to the Commonwealth. The resulting Corporations Act (2001) is a result of a combination of referral of corporation's powers by the States to the Commonwealth. As a result of the referral of powers the Commonwealth government has been strengthened within federation.


Other reasons that influenced the shift of power from States to Federal government was Vertical Fiscal Imbalance. The revenue/expenditure imbalance is approximately 30% in favour of the Commonwealth. This situation is referred to as the vertical fiscal imbalance or VFI. The Founding Fathers were aware that the Commonwealth would end up collecting surplus revenues. Section 87 and Section 96 were written into the Constitution to deal with the imbalance of revenue in favour of the Commonwealth. Section 94 required the Commonwealth to distribute its surplus revenues to the States in any manner that the Parliament ‘deemed fair’. However, after 1901 the Commonwealth Parliament taking into the consideration Section 94 deemed it fair to pay all its surplus revenue into trust funds to cover future spending. This eliminated the surplus and left no money to distribute to the States.  The States challenged this in the Surplus Revenue case but the High Court found the Commonwealth’s action was constitutional. Over time from 1901 sections 90, 96 and 87 have developed over time to favour the Commonwealth over the States. Uniform Tax Case 1 (1942) - decrease in state power as they lost an important revenue stream of income tax to the Commonwealth. The Commonwealth now has much greater share of revenue collecting than the states. Changes relating to revenue collection in 1901 and the early years after Federation, the Commonwealth Government did not have responsibility for collection of income taxation as this was a state responsibility. After the High Court decisions in the 1st and 2nd Uniform Tax Cases (1942 and 1957) the responsibility for collection of income taxation became a Commonwealth responsibility which increased their revenue at the cost of the states. The federal government's dominance is evident by the fact that Sections designed to protect State revenues by the Founding fathers are now considered redundant and have developed to favour the Commonwealth.


The balance of power has slowly shifted from the states to a dominance of the federal government since federation. Three main reasons for this include evolving High court interpretation, referral of powers and Vertical Fiscal Imbalance.




INTRODUCTION

The Founding Fathers intended Australia to be a coordinate or cooperative federal system.  Since Federation in 1901, Australia has become more coercive over time in the regards that power has slowly shifted from the states to federal government. Power comes with the ability to make law. The Constitution divides legislative powers between the Commonwealth and the States into exclusive, concurrent and residual powers. However,the balance of power has undeniably shifted numerous powers from the states to Commonwealth validating its dominance. There are three main reasons that have influenced Australian federation becoming more coercive. These reasons include evolving High Court interpretation, the referral of powers and Vertical Fiscal Imbalance.

•   ‘Australia’ has not become more coercive over time. However, you could say that the Commonwealth has become more assertive over time as it power increases, ushering in a period of ‘coercive federalism’.
•   Power did not immediately ‘shift since Federation in 1901’. It wasn’t until the decision in the Engineers case in 1920 that any real shifts can be said to have occurred.
•   ‘Power comes with the ability to make law’. Yes, but feels out of place and unnecessary.
•   The sentences ‘Since Federation in 1901 …’ and ‘However, the balance …’ are saying the exact same thing.
•   Overall, this introduction is a good attempt but it does evince some minor confusion over the topic. You should expand a little more on the causes of the shift rather than simply identifying them. Lastly, the introduction can benefit from some polishing – the whole thing could have been expressed much more succinctly. For example,

‘The Founding Fathers envisioned a united, but not uniform, Australia. Australia’s Constitution reflects this federal sentiment by distributing powers between national and local governments, thereby preserving the States and enabling them some freedom to decide on local policies. However in more recent decades, Australian federalism has undergone a centralising period whereby the federal balance of power has shifted towards the Commonwealth. There are several causes to this. First, there is …’

BODY

One reason that influenced the shift of power from the States to Federal government was evolving High Court interpretation [Sounds awkward – HCA’s decisions have pretty directly caused a shift in the federal balance. Also don’t use terms like ‘evolving HCA interpretation’ – it is one of those unfortunate academic jargon we can quite happily do away with]. High Court decisions have been the most important mechanism for constitutional change in Australia and has a tremendous influence over the federal balance of power [this is a large proposition – If anything, referendums under s 128 is at least as important; it is the most direct way to clearly alter the Constitution.]. These decisions are derived from the High Court's interpretation. It is assumed that the High Court’s interpretation should lack bias in their decisions [Unnecessary unless you are going to add to it later on] Australia’s Constitution divides the powers within the Australian federation by making all the powers exclusive, concurrent or residual. Concurrent powers means that the Commonwealth and the States may both pass laws. However, when these laws are conflict the dominance of the Commonwealth over the State is evidently supported by section 109 where state(s) laws are invalid if they conflict with Commonwealth law. The fact that the High Court favours the Commonwealth under section 109 shows a shift in power [No, that is incorrect – remember section 109 was inserted into the Constitution by the founding fathers, not the HCA per se. It has always been intended to provide for Commonwealth superiority in cases of conflicting laws. The fact that the HCA interpreted it as such is not a shift, but merely an indication that our judges can read.] Despite the fact, that the High Court’s major role is the hearing of challenges to the constitutionality of Federal and State laws [I don’t quite get the point you are making here – are you trying to suggest partiality on the part of the HCA?]  When the High Court interprets a case in which any of the exclusive or concurrent powers are in dispute the outcome can redefine the power(s) and so change the balance of powers between the levels of government. The shift of power from the States to the Federal government is evident in the Engineers Case in 1920 where Justices Higgins and Isaacs ruled that Commonwealth Government had the authority of the Commonwealth Arbitration Commission to determine conditions of workers in WA Government Railways (concurrent powers, s51)[ I would discuss or at least mention how it abolished the reserve State powers doctrine and implied immunities – those are really the main things that hurt federalism. The principles the decision established and how they curtail federalism are much more important that stating how the individual parties are affected]. Overall, the judgements of the High Court have shifted the federal balance of favour of the Commonwealth [I think you need at least two examples before you make such a conclusion].

•   Please take into attention the point on s 109. The section itself clearly favours the Commonwealth, and the HCA’s only real say in it is to give effect to that and apply it. One way you can work s 109 into your essay is to discuss how it operates to secure the effect of those HCA decisions which favoured the Cth.
•   Wider point to bear in mind is that judges do not, and should not, legislate. Judges may disagree with their predecessors over the meaning of constitutional text, but that is not necessarily because they are seeking to pursue individual agendas. Their job is to do justice according to law, which is to say they are dictated by the legal text and not the other way around. They are bound to give effect to the text, not manipulate the text in ways furthering personal agendas. Therefore, be careful with large propositions like judges going about redefining powers etc.
•   I am not sure what your position is on the HCA’s decisions but if I am to guess it is that you do not like it very much. That is fine so long as you have good reasons. For some others, to say that the HCA has expanded the Cth power at the expense of the States is not so much a critique, but a recognition of a practical reality resulting from reading the Constitution in a modern light. That's something you can think about.
•   Try to be more succinct.

Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Mary_a on May 11, 2017, 02:50:01 pm
Hi Guys, I would really, really appreciate if someone could mark this for me? I am in desperate need of something at full marks because right now I'm at about 81% and I really want to get this up to a 90. Thank you so much! The question is: Evaluate The Effectiveness of Legal and Non-Legal Responses To The Issue Of Human Trafficking and Slavery. Thank you so much!

Here it is: :)

The contemporary issue of human trafficking and slavery has been significantly reacted to by the use of legal and non-legal responses. Legal responses include international and domestic law, whilst non-legal responses incorporate the use of NGOs, and the media.

International law has attempted to address the issue of human trafficking and slavery by the incorporation of treaties, documents and declarations such as the United Nations Convention on Transnational Organised Crime (2000) and the Trafficking Protocol (2003). These responses are monitored by relevant UN Treaty Bodies, such as the Human Rights Council. These can put pressure on countries which violate international law, by putting in place sanctions and moral pressure, which is relatively effective in influencing countries to properly address the issue. However, whilst international law is effective in theory, the use of compliance is highlighted by the country’s state sovereignty. Hence, complying with international law is only voluntary and the enforcement of international law is ineffective because country’s are not legally bound to international law. Another example of international law’s ineffectiveness is attested by the fact that despite the existence of these international laws, millions of people remain enslaved around the world, with the issue only growing. Hence, international law is rather ineffective because of its lack of enforceability, as a result of state severity and compliance.

Domestic law attempts to address the contemporary nature of human trafficking and slavery. In 2012, the Trafficking in Persons Reported listed Australia as a Tier 1 country in successfully addressing the contemporary issue, and is effective in its enforceability and achievement of justice for victims. Regular police checks and human trafficking teams attempt to ensure that human trafficking and slavery is not perpetuated or tolerated in Australia. In 2008, after the enactment of the Criminal Code Act (Cth) (1999) Wei Tang (The Queen v. Tang 2008) was found guilty of five counts of intentionally possessing a slave, and five counts of intentionally exercising ownership of a slave, and was sentenced to a minimum of ten years imprisonment. However, whilst domestic law can be very effective it is also ineffective for victims and in the court system. Victims are usually trafficked form non-English speaking backgrounds, which creates a barrier for accessing the courts and reporting the crime. In court proceedings it can be difficult for victims to give evidence in court, especially when cross-examined by the opposing side. Juries can also be a factor limiting the effectiveness of domestic law as it can be difficult to convince some juries that a person was a slave because of the stereotypical beliefs and attitudes relating to the definition of a slave. Overall, domestic law is effective in its enforceability and ability to achieve justice, however is limited in the nature of victims, and access to the court system and justice for victims.

There are various NGOs which attempt to address human trafficking and slavery, NGOs which work internationally and across borders, and domestically. There are two prominent international and domestic NGOS, the international A21 Campaign and the Melbourne based NGO Project Respect. The A21 Campaign work at local, national and international levels to eliminate all forms of slavery around the world, with shelters for victims in Greece and Ukraine,  the campaign standing for “abolishing injustice in the 21st century.” Project Respect, an NGO located in Melbourne chalkiness exploitation of, and violence against women in the sex industry, offering social support, counselling, education and legal advice. NGOs are effective because of its independence from the government and are not pressured by governmental perspectives. NGOs can notify other countries and individuals about human rights abuses in particular countries, which can pressure a system to reform and address its human rights issues. However, whilst it can influence governmental and systematic decisions, NGOs have no force or enforceability to pressure for change as a result of state sovereignty and the issues of compliance. NGOs are effective in their support for victims and education about human rights issues, with services and counselling. Whilst these are effective attributes, NGOs suffer from a lack of funding and cannot always put in place mechanisms that require certain resources. Overall, NGOs are relatively effective but are inhibited by a lack of resources and their inability to force changes or make enforceable decisions.

The media is an influential force within society, and is a relatively effective non-legal response to the issue of human trafficking and slavery. the media raises awareness about certain issues within human trafficking and slavery, shining a light upon areas that need law reform, and illuminating the issue within Australia. As a result of renowned Tang, Dobie and Kovacs cases, Four Corners and The Age combined forced to investigate sex slavery in Australia. Their investigation pressures authorities to address the prolific sex slavery and trafficking within Australia to enforce the law and ensure justice for victims. These media reports are effective in their ability to improve awareness of the issue, which increases the societal discussion, resulting in law reform, tighter vigilance and scrutiny about human trafficking and slavery. The media is also effective as it can promote NGOs, ideas and policies that address the contemporary nature of human trafficking and slavery, such as the 2008 Sydney Morning Herald Article All Out Bid To Emancipate Nation’s Sex Slaves which details the granting of 16.3 million dollars to the AFP, which was a response to the harrowing Tang case and pressure from NGOS and the media. However, whilst the media is a very effective non-legal response, it is inhibited in that the media is restricted and controlled by the government in some countries which may limit its ability to report openly and address the issue correctly. Hence, the media is a relatively effective non-legal response which can promotes issues, raise awareness and place pressure upon the government.

Overall, the legal and non-legal responses to human trafficking and slavery are relatively effective and continue to address the every growing issue, with a clear objective of reducing and eliminating all forms of human trafficking and slavery.

Thanks again!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 15, 2017, 12:32:37 am
Quote from: Mary_a on May 11, 2017, 02:50:01 pm
Hi Guys, I would really, really appreciate if someone could mark this for me? I am in desperate need of something at full marks because right now I'm at about 81% and I really want to get this up to a 90. Thank you so much!

Hey! I definitely can, sorry it took a little bit, but good on you for wanting to get your marks into that elusive B6 range ;) essay is attached with feedback in bold!

Spoiler
Evaluate The Effectiveness of Legal and Non-Legal Responses To The Issue Of Human Trafficking and Slavery.

The contemporary issue of human trafficking and slavery has been significantly reacted to by the use of legal and non-legal responses. Legal responses include international and domestic law, whilst non-legal responses incorporate the use of NGOs, and the media. Your introduction will need a little more beef than this to set up a proper judgement, this is an 'evaluate' question!.

International law has attempted to address the issue of human trafficking and slavery by the incorporation of treaties, documents and declarations such as the United Nations Convention on Transnational Organised Crime (2000) and the Trafficking Protocol (2003). Were these succesful? Try and make your judgement REALLY OBVIOUS right from the start! These responses are monitored by relevant UN Treaty Bodies, such as the Human Rights Council. These can put pressure on countries which violate international law, by putting in place sanctions and moral pressure, which is relatively effective in influencing countries to properly address the issue. Good! I'd like you to go further though - Why are they effective? This is where those criteria from Year 11 can help - Enforceable? Accessible? However, whilst international law is effective in theory, the use of compliance is highlighted by the country’s state sovereignty. Little unclear what you are saying here? Hence, complying with international law is only voluntary and the enforcement of international law is ineffective because country’s are not legally bound to international law. Good. Another example of international law’s ineffectiveness is attested by the fact that despite the existence of these international laws, millions of people remain enslaved around the world, with the issue only growing. You could (I bet) provide an actual statistic from the ILO here to give your argument more merit. Hence, international law is rather ineffective because of its lack of enforceability, as a result of state severity and compliance. Nice paragraph on the whole! Excellent arguments, I'd like to see you provide a higher calibre of evidence to back yourself up. Delve into some of those treaties a bit more. Provide a case study, media article, some statistics! The arguments are sound but not quite backed up as well as they could be.

Domestic law attempts to address the contemporary nature of human trafficking and slavery. Again, make an obvious judgement, even if that judgement is in the middle. In 2012, the Trafficking in Persons Reported listed Australia as a Tier 1 country in successfully addressing the contemporary issue, and is effective in its enforceability and achievement of justice for victims. This piece of evidence is a little out of place, because you are sort of saying, "Effective because these guys say so," rather than going into the reasons yourself. Regular police checks and human trafficking teams attempt to ensure that human trafficking and slavery is not perpetuated or tolerated in Australia. In 2008, after the enactment of the Criminal Code Act (Cth) (1999) Wei Tang (The Queen v. Tang 2008) was found guilty of five counts of intentionally possessing a slave, and five counts of intentionally exercising ownership of a slave, and was sentenced to a minimum of ten years imprisonment. How does this show effectiveness? Be sure to link every piece of evidence to your judgement specifically. However, whilst domestic law can be very effective it is also ineffective for victims and in the court system. Victims are usually trafficked form non-English speaking backgrounds, which creates a barrier for accessing the courts and reporting the crime. Good! Anything you can do to support this with evidence? Report/statistic/media article? In court proceedings it can be difficult for victims to give evidence in court, especially when cross-examined by the opposing side. Juries can also be a factor limiting the effectiveness of domestic law as it can be difficult to convince some juries that a person was a slave because of the stereotypical beliefs and attitudes relating to the definition of a slave. Overall, domestic law is effective in its enforceability and ability to achieve justice, however is limited in the nature of victims, and access to the court system and justice for victims. Some really interesting arguments here, especially towards the end - But again looking for more/stronger evidence to support it.

There are various NGOs which attempt to address human trafficking and slavery, NGOs which work internationally and across borders, and domestically. There are two prominent international and domestic NGOS, the international A21 Campaign and the Melbourne based NGO Project Respect. Watch your wording - There are more, but these are the two you've chosen to focus on. Just say, "Two prominent international... The A21 Campaign work at local, national and international levels to eliminate all forms of slavery around the world, with shelters for victims in Greece and Ukraine,  the campaign standing for “abolishing injustice in the 21st century.” Project Respect, an NGO located in Melbourne chalkiness exploitation of, and violence against women in the sex industry, offering social support, counselling, education and legal advice. NGOs are effective because of its independence from the government and are not pressured by governmental perspectives. NGOs can notify other countries and individuals about human rights abuses in particular countries, which can pressure a system to reform and address its human rights issues. However, whilst it can influence governmental and systematic decisions, NGOs have no force or enforceability to pressure for change as a result of state sovereignty and the issues of compliance. NGOs are effective in their support for victims and education about human rights issues, with services and counselling. Whilst these are effective attributes, NGOs suffer from a lack of funding and cannot always put in place mechanisms that require certain resources. Overall, NGOs are relatively effective but are inhibited by a lack of resources and their inability to force changes or make enforceable decisions. As a wholistic comment for this paragraph - Again, great arguments. But the examples you provided don't really do much to support them. You introduce them and explain what they do, and they are then ignored why you discuss goods and bads of NGO's, instead of being used to back yourself up!

The media is an influential force within society, and is a relatively effective non-legal response to the issue of human trafficking and slavery. THIS is a great first sentence - Judgement is made clear immediately. The media raises awareness about certain issues within human trafficking and slavery, shining a light upon areas that need law reform, and illuminating the issue within Australia. As a result of renowned Tang, Dobie and Kovacs cases, Four Corners and The Age combined forced to investigate sex slavery in Australia. Keep things academic - "combined forces" is quite colloquial. Their investigation pressures authorities to address the prolific sex slavery and trafficking within Australia to enforce the law and ensure justice for victims. These media reports are effective in their ability to improve awareness of the issue, which increases the societal discussion, resulting in law reform, tighter vigilance and scrutiny about human trafficking and slavery. Good! The media is also effective as it can promote NGOs, ideas and policies that address the contemporary nature of human trafficking and slavery, such as the 2008 Sydney Morning Herald Article All Out Bid To Emancipate Nation’s Sex Slaves which details the granting of 16.3 million dollars to the AFP, which was a response to the harrowing Tang case and pressure from NGOS and the media. However, whilst the media is a very effective non-legal response, it is inhibited in that the media is restricted and controlled by the government in some countries which may limit its ability to report openly and address the issue correctly. Any examples of this? Hence, the media is a relatively effective non-legal response which can promotes issues, raise awareness and place pressure upon the government. This paragraph is quite strong! The arguments are supported reasonably well - However, I do think media would work more effectively integrated throughout the response!! You could even do both - But only using media as evidence at the end here is definitely not the best way to go :)

Overall, the legal and non-legal responses to human trafficking and slavery are relatively effective and continue to address the every growing issue, with a clear objective of reducing and eliminating all forms of human trafficking and slavery. As with your introduction, you ideally want a little more beef here.

So this is a really easy essay for me to provide feedback on, because there is (essentially) only one thing you need to fix - Evidence. Your arguments are fantastic, very sophisticated and well considered, but they aren't backed up effectively. You give these great statements of effectiveness/ineffectiveness, but you sort of just rely on your own word to convince the marker. That isn't enough. You need more evidence:

- Laws
- Cases
- Media Articles
- Reports
- Statistics
- Quotes
- Treaties

And all manner of similar things  8) more of these would give your arguments more credibility. Adding a report on media restriction (for example), or a statistic on rates of slavery/people trafficking, or a specific case where laws were applied succesfully - These are the things you want lots of ;D

Now there are of course other things - Expression could be a little more succinct to give yourself room for more evidence. You also definitely want to develop a stronger introduction, there is a guide you can read here on precisely that!

But the core of an essay is its arguments - And yours are absolutely spot on :) I don't think you are quite at the Band 6 level yet, but you are definitely close! Keep working, you will absolutely get there - Well done Mary ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Mary_a on May 15, 2017, 02:00:46 pm
Hey Jamon, thank you so much! I will print this out and have a read, look over and perfect over the next day or so! Would I be allowed to resubmit once I have re-edited it? Thanks again! Mary
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 15, 2017, 02:27:11 pm
Quote from: Mary_a on May 15, 2017, 02:00:46 pm
Hey Jamon, thank you so much! I will print this out and have a read, look over and perfect over the next day or so! Would I be allowed to resubmit once I have re-edited it? Thanks again! Mary

Definitely! You are way above the post requirement for the number of essays you've posted so no worries there ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: rodero on May 24, 2017, 07:17:09 am
 Hey guys  :)

This is probably something that's never been asked, but I really need some help right now.

Basically my issue is that I am very unprepared for my exam coming up (tomorrow). I have a given question and all but i've been so caught up with other subjects that legal has been thrown aside. I completely understand if you won't allow it, but would it be possible to send in half of my essay now, and the other half tonight? If you won't allow it, that's completely fine and i'm happy to pay up 15 posts for each post.

In regards to the essay itself, what i'm most concerned about is:
1. My stance that the UN is ineffective - I've only ever responded as moderately effective in past exams, is it really okay to leave out the good parts of the UN?
2. Probably an add-on to 1, but should I mention the success of R2P in Libya, where forces prevented the capture of major Libyan cities

Without further ado:

Assess the effectiveness of the United Nations in promoting and maintaining world order


You must mention the contemporary issues in this response

Although the United Nations (UN) is perceived as the main body for promoting and maintaining international peace and security, its effectiveness in achieving this is manifestly limited. By definition, world order describes the mechanisms set by the international community, for the preservation of global political stability (Oxford Dictionary). However, in light of recent events, the success of the UN in achieving world order has been highly ineffective. These incompetencies have been attributed to the UN’s response to contemporary issues, such as the principle of ‘responsibility to protect’ (R2P) and more recently, situations that threaten peace and security. Despite the permanent member’s (P5) indecent exploitation of their veto powers, the UN has experienced slight levels of global cooperation to achieve world order. Overall, with an increasingly contentious global climate, the effectiveness of the UN in promoting and maintaining world order has been questioned. With this, it is clear that the mechanisms placed by the UN to achieve global peace and security are largely ineffective.

The inability for the UN to achieve world order is most prevalently found within the flawed principle of R2P. Such a principle was established due to the heinously delayed response to mass atrocity crimes within Rwanda, Bosnia and Kosovo. In order to prevent further instances of inaction in the midst of crimes against humanity, the UN implemented amendments to the UN Charter; Article 24 enshrines the principle of R2P, placing the members of the UN Security Council (UNSC) in “primary responsibility for the maintenance of international peace and security”. While the theory of R2P suggests prospects for an effective maintenance of world order, when put into practice, the principle proves to be highly unrewarding. The failure of R2P stems largely from the issue of non-compliance and Russia’s gross exploitation of their veto powers for self-interest. Through the eight failed resolutions to conduct operations in Syria, it is clear that Russia is abusing its position as a P5 member to continue its trade of weaponry. Due to their use of veto powers in the 2012 resolution, the death toll in Syria rose to an estimated 5,000, highlighting the inability for the UN to respond effectively to disruptions to world order. In The Guardian’s article ‘Vetoed!, the question regarding the fairness and relevance of veto powers has been raised. Considering the constantly changing nature of morals and ethical standards, is it possible that the UNSC “has become obsolete?”. According to Brazil’s representative for the UN, Antonio Patriota,  the international community must “shape a security council that is truly in tune with the 21st century”. With this, it is clear that amendments must be made to current legal mechanisms for the UN to truly be effective in achieving world order.




Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 24, 2017, 10:57:23 am
Quote from: rodero on May 24, 2017, 07:17:09 am
Hey guys  :)

This is probably something that's never been asked, but I really need some help right now.

Basically my issue is that I am very unprepared for my exam coming up (tomorrow). I have a given question and all but i've been so caught up with other subjects that legal has been thrown aside. I completely understand if you won't allow it, but would it be possible to send in half of my essay now, and the other half tonight? If you won't allow it, that's completely fine and i'm happy to pay up 15 posts for each post.


Hey rodero! Definitely not necessary, I'll mark the first half now and hopefully the second half tonight, count it as one. I am out of action tonight until fairly late so apologies in advance if no one gets to the second half! :)

Essay is attached with comments in bold:

Spoiler
Assess the effectiveness of the United Nations in promoting and maintaining world order


Although the United Nations (UN) is perceived as the main body for promoting and maintaining international peace and security, its effectiveness in achieving this is manifestly limited. Nice start - Judgement is immediately clear. By definition, world order describes the mechanisms set by the international community, for the preservation of global political stability (Oxford Dictionary). I reckon this definition would actually work better FIRST, then you flow naturally into the UN argument. However, in light of recent events, the success of the UN in achieving world order has been highly ineffective. Slightly repetitive, another reason to restructure. These incompetencies have been attributed to the UN’s response to contemporary issues, such as the principle of ‘responsibility to protect’ (R2P) and more recently, situations that threaten peace and security. I'd rephrase the R2P thing, it isn't an 'issue' so much (I dislike the way the syllabus handles it), it's a contentious principle of how the UN operates. I'm nitpicking here - I would like to see specific examples of 'situations that threaten peace and security.' Despite the permanent member’s (P5) indecent exploitation of their veto powers, the UN has experienced slight levels of global cooperation to achieve world order. Overall, with an increasingly contentious global climate, the effectiveness of the UN in promoting and maintaining world order has been questioned. With this, it is clear that the mechanisms placed by the UN to achieve global peace and security are largely ineffective. Good intro - I feel it could be shorter/more succinct if you want it to be, but your argument is clear.

The inability for the UN to achieve world order is most prevalently found within the flawed principle of R2P. Such a principle was established due to the heinously delayed response to mass atrocity crimes within Rwanda, Bosnia and Kosovo. Nice historical context. In order to prevent further instances of inaction in the midst of crimes against humanity, the UN implemented amendments to the UN Charter; Article 24 enshrines the principle of R2P, placing the members of the UN Security Council (UNSC) in “primary responsibility for the maintenance of international peace and security”. While the theory of R2P suggests prospects for an effective maintenance of world order, when put into practice, the principle proves to be highly unrewarding. Perhaps slightly too long spent on explaining before getting into your judgements - Remember your teachers know what R2P is! I do like the Article inclusion though. The failure of R2P stems largely from the issue of non-compliance and Russia’s gross exploitation of their veto powers for self-interest. Watch for expression - Keep it academic. I know 'gross' means like, 'large and immense' in this case, but a little borderline. Through the eight failed resolutions to conduct operations in Syria, it is clear that Russia is abusing its position as a P5 member to continue its trade of weaponry. Due to their use of veto powers in the 2012 resolution, the death toll in Syria rose to an estimated 5,000, highlighting the inability for the UN to respond effectively to disruptions to world order. Nice use of statistics. In The Guardian’s article ‘Vetoed!, the question regarding the fairness and relevance of veto powers has been raised. Considering the constantly changing nature of morals and ethical standards, is it possible that the UNSC “has become obsolete?”. According to Brazil’s representative for the UN, Antonio Patriota,  the international community must “shape a security council that is truly in tune with the 21st century”. With this, it is clear that amendments must be made to current legal mechanisms for the UN to truly be effective in achieving world order. Like the judgements being presented in this paragraph. However, the evidence is basically constrained to Russia. Has there been examples of the other Nation States using their veto powers in an ineffective way? Right now the paragraph is bordering on a political tirade against Russia. It is 'borderline,' and definitely works, but broadening the evidence would make it more effective if you can.


In regards to the essay itself, what i'm most concerned about is:
1. My stance that the UN is ineffective - I've only ever responded as moderately effective in past exams, is it really okay to leave out the good parts of the UN?
Yes, that is definitely okay! There's a lot of ineffective aspects of the way the UN operates :)

2. Probably an add-on to 1, but should I mention the success of R2P in Libya, where forces prevented the capture of major Libyan cities
Definitely - As I mentioned above, right now the R2P paragraph seems a bit just like Russia bashing. Which is fine, but showing both sides in this case I think is a little more sophisticated. You could adjust to "R2P, while having been effective in certain circumstances, is currently failing to address a serious World Order issue."
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: rodero on May 24, 2017, 10:00:04 pm
Hey Jamon!

Thanks for the feedback, it's helped out a lot :)
I was planning to have the rest of my essay done by now but I don't really think that's happening any time soon... Anyway, I have a paragraph which I really am not proud of so if you guys could take a look and give some pointers that would be great! Particularly for this one, i'm really not sure if I should have the US invasion of Iraq in there. I more so feel forced by my teacher to have some mention of the ICJ, and so I've thrown it in where I can. In the end, if you guys don't think it fits that's good enough for me to take it out, but he's marking the exam so I really want to be able to mention it somewhere in my response.

Also, i completely understand if this doesn't end up being marked. I've left the task to the last minute and i'm posting at the worst time so I guess it's my burden to handle. Anyway, whatever help I can get would be great. Thanks :)

P.S I've edited my intro and first paragraph. In a nutshell, I've changed my argument from highly ineffective to moderately effective. I might post it for a double-check if I have the time

Although the UN has effectively responded to the threat of a nuclear war, a lack of prosecution has hindered the ability for world order to be maintained. Following the events of the cold war, the UN has actively supported denuclearisation as a means of achieving global peace and stability. These are demonstrated through bilateral treaties such as START 1, where the US and Russia agreed to reduce their nuclear arsenals by 58,000.  Likewise, multilateral treaties including the Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT) promote the peaceful use of energy resources and a complete nuclear disarmament. Despite these measures, state sovereignty remains a potent barrier for the UN to achieve world order; Although North Korea was initially a signatory to the the NPT, its withdrawal in 2003 has been followed with the detonation of nuclear devices. In the current global climate, the use of nuclear weapons has been deemed the “biggest threat to humanity” (Lawrence Krauss on BBC’s Q&A), largely due to NK’s unwillingness to comply with international law. The continued conduction of nuclear tests by the ‘rogue state’ (Anthony Lake) has pressured the UN to impose sanctions as a means of political persuasion. However, the use of international negotiation continues to have little effect on the behaviour of NK, leaving the global community with a high chance of a “major conflict with North Korea” (Donald Trump). With regards to a more regional conflict, the UN remains unresponsive to the US’ illegal invasion of Iraq in 2003. Although the US claimed to have acted in ‘self-defence’, members of the International Commission of Jurists highlight that the invasion was a clear breach of the UN Charter and was not authorised by the UNSC. Despite this, the ICJ has failed to punish the US for clear acts of aggression, thus turning a “blind eye to one of the most blatant human rights abuses” (Jean Shaoul). With respect, it clear that the UN has achieved success in past success in the disarmament of nuclear weapons, but is restricted by state sovereignty to enforce its policies for peace in North Korea and the US. As a result, UN responses to regional and global conflict has been effective only to a moderate extent.


EDIT My last body paragraph is focusing on the success of global cooperation. Considering my word count is already sitting at 800, would it be fine to only mention the effectiveness of the UN in East Timor? Then again, if I cull the US invasion in the second paragraph I could easily have room for a counter-argument.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 24, 2017, 10:09:26 pm
Quote from: rodero on May 24, 2017, 10:00:04 pm
Hey Jamon!

Thanks for the feedback, it's helped out a lot :)
I was planning to have the rest of my essay done by now but I don't really think that's happening any time soon... Anyway, I have a paragraph which I really am not proud of so if you guys could take a look and give some pointers that would be great! Particularly for this one, i'm really not sure if I should have the US invasion of Iraq in there. I more so feel forced by my teacher to have some mention of the ICJ, and so I've thrown it in where I can. In the end, if you guys don't think it fits that's good enough for me to take it out, but he's marking the exam so I really want to be able to mention it somewhere in my response.

Also, i completely understand if this doesn't end up being marked. I've left the task to the last minute and i'm posting at the worst time so I guess it's my burden to handle. Anyway, whatever help I can get would be great. Thanks :)

You are welcome! ;D happy to give this a quick skim too, comments in bold!

Spoiler
Although the UN has effectively responded to the threat of a nuclear war, a lack of prosecution has hindered the ability for world order to be maintained. Nice start, clear judgement with reasoning. Following the events of the cold war, the UN has actively supported denuclearisation as a means of achieving global peace and stability. These are demonstrated through bilateral treaties such as START 1, where the US and Russia agreed to reduce their nuclear arsenals by 58,000.  Likewise, multilateral treaties including the Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT) promote the peaceful use of energy resources and a complete nuclear disarmament. Fantastic examples here, make sure you reference them correctly with their full name and the year in the first instance - I'd also like a more obvious judgement in reference to these measures. Are they effective? Enforceable? Despite these measures, state sovereignty remains a potent barrier for the UN to achieve world order; Although North Korea was initially a signatory to the the NPT, its withdrawal in 2003 has been followed with the detonation of nuclear devices. In the current global climate, the use of nuclear weapons has been deemed the “biggest threat to humanity” (Lawrence Krauss on BBC’s Q&A), largely due to NK’s unwillingness to comply with international law. Nice analysis and use of a quote there. The continued conduction of nuclear tests by the ‘rogue state’ (Anthony Lake) has pressured the UN to impose sanctions as a means of political persuasion. However, the use of international negotiation continues to have little effect on the behaviour of NK, leaving the global community with a high chance of a “major conflict with North Korea” (Donald Trump). These little quotes throughout aren't adding much, I'd just stick to doing it in your own words, if you would find it easier. Also be careful you aren't slipping into a recount, like "They signed, they withdrew, they blew shit up, they got sanctioned." Really, they key bit of this is the withdrawal (shows ineffectiveness/non enforceable) and the sanctions (did they work?). With regards to a more regional conflict, the UN remains unresponsive to the US’ illegal invasion of Iraq in 2003. Although the US claimed to have acted in ‘self-defence’, members of the International Commission of Jurists highlight that the invasion was a clear breach of the UN Charter and was not authorised by the UNSC. Thus demonstrating ineffectiveness... Be sure your judgement is made obvious at every step! Despite this, the ICJ has failed to punish the US for clear acts of aggression, thus turning a “blind eye to one of the most blatant human rights abuses” (Jean Shaoul). I think the ICJ reference works - I'd leave it! :) With respect, it clear that the UN has achieved success in past success in the disarmament of nuclear weapons, but is restricted by state sovereignty to enforce its policies for peace in North Korea and the US. Take out 'with respect,' - This is not an opinion piece persay, you are presenting facts and using them to form an argument. It's an academic piece, you'd say "with respect" in a letter to the editor or a speech or something non academic. As a result, UN responses to regional and global conflict has been effective only to a moderate extent.

Works well I think rodero! Make sure judgements are clear at every stage would be my primary piece of feedback :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: rodero on May 24, 2017, 10:16:43 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on May 24, 2017, 10:09:26 pm
You are welcome! ;D happy to give this a quick skim too, comments in bold!

Spoiler
Although the UN has effectively responded to the threat of a nuclear war, a lack of prosecution has hindered the ability for world order to be maintained. Nice start, clear judgement with reasoning. Following the events of the cold war, the UN has actively supported denuclearisation as a means of achieving global peace and stability. These are demonstrated through bilateral treaties such as START 1, where the US and Russia agreed to reduce their nuclear arsenals by 58,000.  Likewise, multilateral treaties including the Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT) promote the peaceful use of energy resources and a complete nuclear disarmament. Fantastic examples here, make sure you reference them correctly with their full name and the year in the first instance - I'd also like a more obvious judgement in reference to these measures. Are they effective? Enforceable? Despite these measures, state sovereignty remains a potent barrier for the UN to achieve world order; Although North Korea was initially a signatory to the the NPT, its withdrawal in 2003 has been followed with the detonation of nuclear devices. In the current global climate, the use of nuclear weapons has been deemed the “biggest threat to humanity” (Lawrence Krauss on BBC’s Q&A), largely due to NK’s unwillingness to comply with international law. Nice analysis and use of a quote there. The continued conduction of nuclear tests by the ‘rogue state’ (Anthony Lake) has pressured the UN to impose sanctions as a means of political persuasion. However, the use of international negotiation continues to have little effect on the behaviour of NK, leaving the global community with a high chance of a “major conflict with North Korea” (Donald Trump). These little quotes throughout aren't adding much, I'd just stick to doing it in your own words, if you would find it easier. Also be careful you aren't slipping into a recount, like "They signed, they withdrew, they blew shit up, they got sanctioned." Really, they key bit of this is the withdrawal (shows ineffectiveness/non enforceable) and the sanctions (did they work?). With regards to a more regional conflict, the UN remains unresponsive to the US’ illegal invasion of Iraq in 2003. Although the US claimed to have acted in ‘self-defence’, members of the International Commission of Jurists highlight that the invasion was a clear breach of the UN Charter and was not authorised by the UNSC. Thus demonstrating ineffectiveness... Be sure your judgement is made obvious at every step! Despite this, the ICJ has failed to punish the US for clear acts of aggression, thus turning a “blind eye to one of the most blatant human rights abuses” (Jean Shaoul). I think the ICJ reference works - I'd leave it! :) With respect, it clear that the UN has achieved success in past success in the disarmament of nuclear weapons, but is restricted by state sovereignty to enforce its policies for peace in North Korea and the US. Take out 'with respect,' - This is not an opinion piece persay, you are presenting facts and using them to form an argument. It's an academic piece, you'd say "with respect" in a letter to the editor or a speech or something non academic. As a result, UN responses to regional and global conflict has been effective only to a moderate extent.

Works well I think rodero! Make sure judgements are clear at every stage would be my primary piece of feedback :)

Geeez that was one fast response. Thank you so much! I'm currently fueled with caffeine and anxiety and it might be reflected in the paragraphs i'm posting, but I'm so thankful that you're able to point out my mistakes. Thanks :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 24, 2017, 10:20:21 pm
Quote from: rodero on May 24, 2017, 10:16:43 pm
Geeez that was one fast response. Thank you so much! I'm currently fueled with caffeine and anxiety and it might be reflected in the paragraphs i'm posting, but I'm so thankful that you're able to point out my mistakes. Thanks :)

Mate, you've done a heap to help people on these forums - You deserve it reciprocated! ;D

Best of luck with it all (don't worry, I've spent many a coffee fuelled night up until 1am) - Bet you'll smash it! ;D

Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 29, 2017, 08:45:50 pm
Quote from: Luke799 on May 29, 2017, 08:36:06 pm
Hi guys, would greatly appreciate it if you could mark my essay
Haven't gotten around to do an intro or conclusion yet though

Hey Luke! Thanks for posting your essay - Our essay marking rules require you to have 15 posts on the forums for each piece you'd like feedback on. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up and give quality feedback ;D

On a quick read though, I think writing about two issues serves you well! You've got a great level of detail - I don't think it would be efficient to take some of that away to try and squeeze a third one in ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Lachlan Morley on June 05, 2017, 09:20:51 pm
Hi essays markers, would u be able to have a look at this essay for world order, its due on Wednesday , thanks

Evaluate the effectiveness of Legal And non legal Measure in promoting peace and maintain world order

Spoiler
The concept of World Order involves the balancing of principles of aiming to restore peace and communal connectivity with the notion of state sovereignty and the ability of a state to govern themselves. In order to achieve world order , both Legal and non legal measure are required to effectively achieve peace and restore world order to nations that have experienced turmoil. In the world order issues of North Korea, Darfur, Yemen, South china sea and in Syria, the measure have been predominantly ineffective  due to the non compliance and lack of enforceability of these measures. Because of this , the striving for world order continues in the present day.

The world order issue in Syria is an omnipresent issue that has placed the world in turmoil. This issue has been both effectively and ineffectively responded to by The International Red Cross and The media.

The International committee of the red cross is a prevalent Non Governmental Organisation that has been highly effective in providing aid and pressure on the government and fighters in Syria. “ Syria is now an international armed conflict “ SBS 8/4/17 states how the NGO has brought awareness to society and alerted the severity of the conflict to the greater society. Because of this , the needs of society has been effectively met due to society being exposed to the issue and in turn placing pressure of the opposing fighters to develop a cease fire. The NGO has also been highly effective in responsiveness as their messages have occurred quickly after the conflict has develop. Because of this , the NGO is highly effective in bringing highly accessible and highly accurate information to society’s knowledge. ‘ Red cross says its stepped up aid deliveries across Syrian front lines “ Washington post 25/5/17 states how the Red Cross has been highly effective in providing aid to the innocent civilians in Syria. Because of this, the needs of society has also been effectively met and their rights protected as they have been able to gain a supply of food and resources that has been able to create a step in resolving peace in the region effectively. This has allowed the civilians of Syria to continue to survive during the conflict as has effectively provided them with hope in regards to the promotion of world order. Because of the Red cross’s continual effective efforts in aiming to bring awareness to the world order issue in Syria, the promotion of world order and peace in the region can be maintained.

The Media has been highly ineffective in regards to maintaining world order in the world order issue of Syria. “ The media war: how the press is fuelling Syria’s conflict”  states how the media is creating social divide and hatred in the region that is furthering the conflict. The medias actions is highly ineffective in regards to meeting society needs as the media is furthering the violence and anger in the region that is highly ineffective in regards to creating peace in the region. Because of this, the world order issue is unable to be resolved and the rights of individuals in the region being ineffectively protected due to the violent repercussions of media reports. “ Facebook and Twitter are losing the war against ISIS” SMH 2/3/16 states how the social media networks are unable to shut down terror organisations propaganda. Due to the medias ineffectiveness in meeting society’s needs being the shutting down of propaganda, justice is unable to be achieved to society of victims due to the war in the region continuing to develop and the media being highly ineffective in slowing down the growth in the region.

The profound world order issue in the Democratic peoples republic of North Korea ( DPRK) has been ineffectively responded to by International instruments being the nuclear non proliferation treaty and the Untied Nations

The International Instrument being the Nuclear Non proliferation treaty ( 1968) aims to prevent the spread of nuclear weapons between nations of which is highly ineffective  in resolving peace and maintain world order in the region. “ Sanctions hurting the vunerable in north Korea” 19/8/13 states how the sanctions implied by the treaty over the last 50 years has impacted heavily uoon the innocent in North Korea. Because of this , the treaty is highly ineffective in protecting the rights of individuals due to the fact that the treaty is deterring upon the rights and way of life of individuals in society. The treaty is also highly ineffective in achieving justice to the victims and society of the conflict in North Korea as the society is harmed and world order is unable to be achieved because of the lack of protection of individuals rights. North Korea have pulled out of this treaty in 2003, because of this exit of the treaty , the enforceability and compliance for the treaty is highly ineffective as the notions of the treaty are unable to be enforced towards north Korea. Because of this , the individuals rights in north Korea are unable to be protected due to the lack of enforceability of the treaty which results in World order being ineffectively maintained

The  United nations have been predominantly ineffective in regards to aiming to maintain world order in North Korea. The UN creates sanctions and aim to penalise and create peace in north Korea through security council resolutions although theses resolutions and sanctions can be ill enforced and ill complied to by North Korea. The UN security council 2321 created sanctions to North Korea on continual nuclear testing. This resolution was ineffective in regards to enforceability and compliance as following from this, North Korea has disregarded the sanction and continued their nuclear testing. Because of this, it is evident that the UN security councils are unable to be enforced in regards to north Korea which in turn results an inability to resolve peace and maintain world order. “ UN security council increases pressure on North Korea” 3/6/17  SMH states how due to the ineffectiveness of the UN security resolutions, new initiative with greater pressure is required. Beaucase of the ineffective of the UN security council resolutions, the needs of society are unable to be met as society requires a significant an effective measure in order to steam the developments in North Koreas missile development. Because of this, it is clearly evident that the UN is highly ineffective in regards to maintaining world order in the DPRK.

The World order issue in Darfur has been both effectively and ineffectively responded to by the International Criminal Court ( ICC) and the Media

The International Criminal Court is a legal response that has been highly ineffective in maintain world order in Darfur. In the case of the The prosecute v Omar Hassan Ahmad al Bashir, the ICC has been highly ineffective in maintaining world order and in regards to enforceability and compliance due to the arrest warrant being unable to be fulfilled. “ Sudan’s Bashir claims victory over ICC after court shelves Darfur Probe” SMH 14/12/14 states how the ICC has been ineffective in arresting Bashir therefore dropping the case. Because  of this , justice is unable to be achieved to society and the victims of his crimes as the offender will not face punishment which results in justice being unable to be achieved. Because of the dropping of the arrest warrant, it is evident that the court is highly ineffective in regards to compliance and enforceability as the court is unable to enforce the Rome statue and enforce laws to prosecute offenders of war crimes. Because of this, the court is unable to upheld the rule of law and meet the needs of society because the accused is unable to be punished for his actions that continues to place society at risk. Because of this , it is clearly highlighted that the ICC is highly ineffective in its response to the issue in Darfur.

The Media on the other hand has been highly effective through there use of celebrity’s to promote the conflict in Darfur. “ Clooney a UN Messenger of Peace” SMH 21/1/08 states how George Clooney, through the media, is aiming to promote the message of peace and alert society to the turmoil and war in Darfur. “ Jolie: Darfur is horrible” 28/10/04 also demonstrates how the media is able to use celebrity’s to promote the war in Darfur and placing pressure on governments to create a cease fire.  Because of this Media response, society’s needs are met effectively as the war in Darfur is highlighted to the greater society that allows for an increase in aid, sympathy’s and pressure on the opposing forces in order to end the conflict. The Medias response is highly accessible and can accessed by a wide range of society allowing for the greatest pressure and awareness to be seen. The promotion of peace is also effectively shown by the medias response through promoting the need for peace in the region and stating the harsh impacts of the war in regards to world order. Because of the effective pressure created by the media, it is evident that the media is effectively able to maintain world order in Darfur.

The world order issue in Yemen has been mainly ineffectively responded to by the Inter governmental organisation being the Saudi led intervention in Yemen and the Australian governments actions in the region.

The Saudi led Coalition intervention in Yemen is an Inter governmental Organisation that aims to influence the outcome of the war in favour of the Yemen Government. The coalition, in their efforts to end the conflict and gain  favourable outcome, has committed multiple war crimes punishable under the Rome Statue and is highly ineffective in maintaining world order in the region. “ UN Experts warn Saudi led coalition allies over war crimes in Yemen “ 29/1/17 demonstrates how the Saudi led coalition are committing war crimes in Yemen in order to try and end the conflict. Because of this, the IGO is highly ineffective in regards to protecting the rights of individuals and society as the coalitions bombings has killed multiple innocent live. Because of this the coalition has killed multiple innocent lives which has been ineffective in protecting the rights of individuals. The Coalition has also been highly ineffective in restoring peace to the region and achieving justice as the coalition has committed further bombings and war crimes that has furthered the conflict and has been highly ineffective in ending the conflict. “ The US may be aiding war crimes in Yemen” VOX news states how the US , through supplying weapons to the IGO has led the coalition to commit further war crimes in the region. Because of this the needs of society are ineffectively met as well as the coalition has had a limited effect on ending the war . Because of this, it is evident that the Saudi led Coalition is highly ineffective in regards to maintaining world order in Yemen.

The Australian Government response to the conflict in Yemen has been highly ineffective in maintaining world order and has further increased causality loss and a lack of peace in the region. “ Australia selling Military equipment to Saudi Arabia during brutal Yemen Conflict” SMH 25/3/17n states how the Australia government is selling arms to the Saudi Coalition that has had devastating effects on the War in the region. This response by the Australian Government is highly ineffective in regards to meeting society’s needs as the Australian governments response goes against the wishes and wants of the Yemen people in regards to ending the conflict. Because of this , Justice is unable to be achieved the society as the conflict continues to occur as a result of Australia’s involvements that has led to world order being unable to be maintained and peace ineffectively restored in the region. “ Amnesty International calls on Australia to stop selling arms to Saudi Arabia” 21/5/17 states how Australia’s involvement in the war has led to mass casualties and no sign of the conflict ending that has meant that world order is unable to be maintained and peace is ineffectively maintained in the region as the war has been further developed as a result of Australia’s intervention. Because of this, it is evident that Australia’s involvement is highly ineffective in maintain peace and world order

The Conflict in the South China Sea has been both effectively and ineffectively responded to by the Court being the permeant court of arbitration in the Hague. The Court heard the case of The republic of the Philippines v the Peoples republic of china that was highly effectivly in upholding the rule of law, protecting the rights of society and aiming to restore peace in the region. “ South China sea dispute: Hague tribunal finds china has no historic title” SMH 12/7/16 states the decision in the favour of the Philippines in the conflict regarding ownership of the spratly islands. The decision was able to uphold the rule of law effectively due to a fair and equal trial that created a fair and equal verdict. Because of this , Justice was able to be achieved to society due to a fair decision that aimed to create a decision and basis regarding ownership of the islands, that aimed to effectively restore peace. Although due to China highly ineffective compliance and a lack of enforceability regarding the decision , the court has been highly ineffective in maintain world order. “ South china sea dispute: Beijing’s response shows just why we need the Law” SMH 13/7/16 states how due to nations non compliance and lack of enforceability of the Courts decision, law is necessary to in broader to create compliance in the region. Because of this, it is demonstrated that the Permeant court of arbitration is both effective and ineffective in regards to maintaining world order in the region.

Mod Edit: Added spoiler :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Kirri Rule on June 06, 2017, 07:44:29 pm
Hi guys I have a family law essay due on thursday and was wondering if you guys could check through it as my teacher is horrible at replying and when she does it's the same feedback of "just make sure your argument is clear", so was wondering if you guys had any other feedback on how to improve this. Also really struggling with the conclusion so any feedback is helpful! Thanks heaps.

Spoiler
Evaluate whether legal and non­legal responses have achieved just outcomes for family members and society in regards to domestic violence?

Domestic violence (DV) is defined as any act, whether verbal or physical, of a violent or abusive nature that takes place within a domestic relationship (Cambridge, 2006). DV as a rising issue among society caused by the changing values of communities, into the unacceptable nature of harm within relationships. With the issue coming to light it places legal and non legal responses in a better position to be able to “catch up” in the achievement of just outcomes for families and societies. Legal responses are proven to be adequate on paper but lacking in the practicality in the enforcement in the achievement of just outcomes. Similarly non legal responses prove effective in the promotion and raising awareness of the issue, though, being restrained within the limitations of holding no legal enforceability. With 1 in 3 women experiencing physical violence since the age of 15 (AIC, 2015), highlights the need for further achievement of just outcomes for family members and society in DV.
 
One legal response designed to protect the applicant from violence and other forms of intimidation or abuse by the offender are, ADVOs (Legal Aid NSW, nd). The introduction of the Crimes (Domestic and Personal Violence) Amendment Bill 2013 (NSW) reinforced previous legislation by refining the guidelines. Now enabling police to issue provisional ADVO’s and holding the power to detain someone until the offender has received an ADVO (NSW Police, 2013). Therefore providing just outcomes in the protection of families and general society, as having been regarded as the “single most practical meaningful reform in combating domestic violence” (On the Spot ADVO’s to protect women, The Aus 2013). Though alternatively the ineffectiveness of enforcement, in the Daily Telegraphs article “Slap on the wrist for AVOs”, Alicia reports that “only 12.4% of apprehended ADVO breaches are punished by jail time with the average sentence being only 4 months” (Daily Telegraph 2015). Proving the achievement of little justice for family members as their is none to little  enforcement of ADVO breaches, dangerously causing the offenders to believe that an ADVO is “just a piece of paper” to which compliance is optional. Limited supervision and enforcement of offenders, give them opportunities to breach their restrictions, putting the victim at risk as seen by the Jean Majdalawi (1996) case. This case proves the ineffectiveness of legal responses in achieving justice for the victims and society, as Jean was brutally murdered whilst on an ADVO, due to the offenders resentfulness and desire for revenge. Naomi Toy states in “2007 23,176 ADVOs were issued in NSW and in the same year there were more than 10,000 recorded breaches” (Daily Telegraph, 2008), highlighting the ineffectiveness in justice for victim and society, in the outrages reoffending numbers. Therefore proving that ADVOs as a legal response can provide a temporary and efficient protection for the victim, though the unsupervised nature and lack of practical enforcement, places the victim at high potential risk.
 
Further ineffectiveness in achieving justice is shown through the enforcement of DV offenders seeking bail. Under section 9A of the Bail Act 1978 (NSW) it explicitly stated that bail would be declined to a DV offender or an individual who breached their ADVO, though this act was amended in 2013. In the Bail Act 2013 (NSW) under section 19, it states that an individual will be refused bail if they are deemed an “unacceptable risk” in the “endangerment of safety of victims, individuals or the community” (Austlii, 2013). Thus proving the reform ineffective as it is the judge's discretion to which individuals they deem as an “endangerment”, as opposed to the 1978 in which it was explicitly outlined that their bail shall be refused. The further review of the bail system for DV offenders, had a massive push for reform in February 2017 after the media outburst following Teresa Bradford death. David Bradford had been jailed on serious DV charges and then got granted bail, who following this broke into his wife’s home and brutally stabbed her in front of their four children, before killing himself. Thus proving the ineffectiveness of legal responses in achieving just outcomes for individuals and society, in the now ease in which DV offenders are being released on bail.
 
Another legal measure that aims at tackling DV is the Family Court of Australia (FCA), under the provision of the Family Law Act 1995 (Cth). With the aim of intervention and protection of children in DV relationships, it is moderately effective in its protection of children under the The Convention on the Rights Of the Child 1989 (CROC). Though the FCA proves effective when making judgements and imposing penalties as it takes into account previous DV/violent history, achieving justice for victims in putting their safety first (Family Court of Australia, 2016). Theoretically on paper this would be highly effective, though in practice it’s highly ineffective, proved in the Rosie Batty DV case in 2014. Where the rights over the parents were placed above the rights of the son Luke, in allowing the father to be involved in his life. The Victorian Coroner Ian Gray said to ABC News in 2015, that his investigation identified "a number of gaps or flaws" in the family violence system. This case demonstrates the ineffectiveness of legal responses such as the FCA to take into consideration the ability for a DV offender to reoffend and cause sufficient harm to their family and society. (ABC,2015) Also showing how/why the FCA is only moderately effective in upholding CROC because in this case the “best interest” of the child was put secondary to the right of the parent. Proving that it is only moderately effective in the achievement of just outcomes for family and society due to the gaps in the legal systems enforcement that need to be addressed.
 
In addition, government responses, have taken steps towards the reduction of DV rates, in the Turnbull government attempting to change the national culture to make disrespecting women and children unacceptable(ABC,2015) . This push for change follows the 63 deaths in 2015 as a result of DV(ABC,2015) .Following their aim to make it a “national objective to ensure Australia is more respecting of women” as it has been “ignored for far too long and we must have a zero tolerance for it” (PM Malcolm Turnbull unveils $100 million package to fight domestic violence, ABC, 25 September 2015). In doing so the government has increased resources such as GPS panic buttons for victims and educational resources to changes attitudes of DV by elevating the issue to a national knowledge in its unacceptability. Though this is all being implemented it has yet to prove effective in means of reducing DV and further enforcement is needed to protect victims and achieve justice for families.
 
Moreover, the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth) was amended in 1995 to remove the requirement that previously needed a person to “reasonably” fear for their safety, and to include controlling behaviour. However with cases such as R v Gittany [2013] NSWSC 1503 and R v Mulvihill [2014] NSWSC 443, both involving the murder through the cause of domestic violence. Proven that these measure have been largely ineffective in the protection and achievement of just outcomes for the victims and general society.
 
In contrast, the non legal mechanism, Rosie Batty’s iMatter App was developed to help young women recognise the abusive and controlling warning signs of a potential DV relationship. (Doncare, 2017) Created by Rosie Batty in the wake of the murder of her son, at the hands of her husband. It aims to promote positive self esteem for women, as well as to educate about disrespect and intimate partner violence. (Doncare, 2017) With the aim of promoting conversations about healthy relationship behaviour, raising awareness about DV. (Doncare, 2017) Though this non legal mechanism is only mildly effective, as it can help individuals realise the signs of a DV relationship, it can’t physically give them any protection or hold any legal power to interfere.
 
Further, NGO’s are another mechanism of non-legal responses in achieving justice for DV, which are non government groups. NGOs are groups who lobby for change, attempt to promote issues of DV and compile reports. They concern themselves with the spreading of awareness and pressure on the government. One example of a NGO is the White Ribbon campaign, which through primary prevention initiatives involving awareness raising and educational programs with youth, schools and workplaces attempts to aid in the reducement of DV. (White Ribbon Australia, 2017) Through promotional material White Ribbon constantly reminds society about the prevalence of DV and encourages people to band together in pushing for change. Though it is effective in promotion, though with a lack of support and ability to have any say in the changing of laws, the NGO proves ineffective in achieving just outcomes for families and society.
 
Another non legal measure is the media, and it is known to have immense impacts on the opinions, values and views of the society. This allows the media to raise public awareness of DV and of any concerns arising around the issue. The media can also desensitise the issue of DV and have an adverse effect if too much coverage of this issue is presented before the community. Thus effecting law reform which only comes about if it is seen as an important issue in the eyes of the community. The media is a moderately effective non legal tool as it can raise awareness but holds the ability to halt or limit the ability for reform on the issue. 
 
Therefore, legal and nonlegal measure in response to dealing with DV, are proved moderately effective. With each measure respectively, having its benefits but also its limits in producing just outcomes for families and the wider community. Though the issue of DV has a wide range of mechanisms that aid in its elimination most of these responses still prove only to a limited extent effective, in achieving justice for all.   

Mod Edit: Post merge and spoiler :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 06, 2017, 08:42:39 pm
Quote from: Lachlan Morley on June 05, 2017, 09:20:51 pm
Hi essays markers, would u be able to have a look at this essay for world order, its due on Wednesday , thanks

Hey Lachlan! Next time you might want to give us a little longer, that way the feedback can be there earlier and be more useful! In any case, hopefully these last minute comments assist a little! :) I'm not going to have time to read the whole thing before tomorrow, this is a long piece! However, I'll give you some comments on the first half:

Spoiler
Evaluate the effectiveness of Legal And non legal Measure in promoting peace and maintain world order.

The concept of World Order involves the balancing of principles of aiming to restore peace and communal connectivity with the notion of state sovereignty and the ability of a state to govern themselves. In order to achieve world order , both Legal and non legal measure are required to effectively achieve peace and restore world order to nations that have experienced turmoil. Nice opening - Sets stage well. You don't necessarily need to define world order for the marker though. In the world order issues of North Korea, Darfur, Yemen, South china sea and in Syria, the measure have been predominantly ineffective  due to the non compliance and lack of enforceability of these measures. Because of this , the striving for world order continues in the present day. Little awkward phrasing in the latter half, but overall a nice introduction!

The world order issue in Syria is an omnipresent issue that has placed the world in turmoil. This issue has been both effectively and ineffectively responded to by The International Red Cross and The media. Try not to have a standalone sentence like this when you write it - Keep everything grouped.

The International committee of the red cross is a prevalent Non Governmental Organisation that has been highly effective in providing aid and pressure on the government and fighters in Syria. Nice, making the judgement obvious, good work. “ Syria is now an international armed conflict “ SBS 8/4/17 states how the NGO has brought awareness to society and alerted the severity of the conflict to the greater society. Good use of media. Because of this , the needs of society has been effectively met due to society being exposed to the issue and in turn placing pressure of the opposing fighters to develop a cease fire. I'd phrase this a little differently and say it has brought public attention to the issue, not necessarily responded to meet societal needs. The NGO has also been highly effective in responsiveness as their messages have occurred quickly after the conflict has develop. Because of this , the NGO is highly effective in bringing highly accessible and highly accurate information to society’s knowledge. Great argument, but try and make it more succinct. You could easily trim that first half of the paragraph back to two sentences. Red cross says its stepped up aid deliveries across Syrian front lines “ Washington post 25/5/17 states how the Red Cross has been highly effective in providing aid to the innocent civilians in Syria. Because of this, the needs of society has also been effectively met and their rights protected as they have been able to gain a supply of food and resources that has been able to create a step in resolving peace in the region effectively. This has allowed the civilians of Syria to continue to survive during the conflict as has effectively provided them with hope in regards to the promotion of world order. Expression issue there. Because of the Red cross’s continual effective efforts in aiming to bring awareness to the world order issue in Syria, the promotion of world order and peace in the region can be maintained. Solid argument made, you could be a little more succinct, but overall good job!

The Media has been highly ineffective in regards to maintaining world order in the world order issue of Syria. “ The media war: how the press is fuelling Syria’s conflict”  states how the media is creating social divide and hatred in the region that is furthering the conflict. Try to do something more interesting with your media articles - Quotes from important persons, perhaps? The medias actions is highly ineffective in regards to meeting society needs as the media is furthering the violence and anger in the region that is highly ineffective in regards to creating peace in the region. ARE highly ineffective - Watch syntax, you've missed the mark a few times now. Because of this, the world order issue is unable to be resolved and the rights of individuals in the region being ineffectively protected due to the violent repercussions of media reports. “ Facebook and Twitter are losing the war against ISIS” SMH 2/3/16 states how the social media networks are unable to shut down terror organisations propaganda. Try not to overuse media - Which, I know it is a media paragraph, but there are other forms of media besides articles! Due to the medias ineffectiveness in meeting society’s needs being the shutting down of propaganda, justice is unable to be achieved to society of victims due to the war in the region continuing to develop and the media being highly ineffective in slowing down the growth in the region.

The profound world order issue in the Democratic peoples republic of North Korea ( DPRK) has been ineffectively responded to by International instruments being the nuclear non proliferation treaty and the Untied Nations Good - Again I'd try and put all of this into a single paragraph on this issue.

The International Instrument being the Nuclear Non proliferation treaty ( 1968) aims to prevent the spread of nuclear weapons between nations of which is highly ineffective  in resolving peace and maintain world order in the region. Nice obvious judgement - You don't need to explain what the treaty does. “ Sanctions hurting the vunerable in north Korea” 19/8/13 states how the sanctions implied by the treaty over the last 50 years has impacted heavily uoon the innocent in North Korea. Examples? Seems a little vague. Because of this , the treaty is highly ineffective in protecting the rights of individuals due to the fact that the treaty is deterring upon the rights and way of life of individuals in society. The treaty is also highly ineffective in achieving justice to the victims and society of the conflict in North Korea as the society is harmed and world order is unable to be achieved because of the lack of protection of individuals rights. North Korea have pulled out of this treaty in 2003, because of this exit of the treaty , the enforceability and compliance for the treaty is highly ineffective as the notions of the treaty are unable to be enforced towards north Korea. Use the word state sovereignty here - The jargon helps you make things more succinct. Because of this , the individuals rights in north Korea are unable to be protected due to the lack of enforceability of the treaty which results in World order being ineffectively maintained. Good, but I'd like to see you do more with the space - Again, being more succinct would assist you in your argument, the inclusion of rights is a little awkward in a World Order essay as well.

The  United nations have been predominantly ineffective in regards to aiming to maintain world order in North Korea. They've probably aimed effectively, just not executed properly. Watch wording. The UN creates sanctions and aim to penalise and create peace in north Korea through security council resolutions although theses resolutions and sanctions can be ill enforced and ill complied to by North Korea. Expression issue. The UN security council 2321 created sanctions to North Korea on continual nuclear testing. What were they? This resolution was ineffective in regards to enforceability and compliance as following from this, North Korea has disregarded the sanction and continued their nuclear testing. Because of this, it is evident that the UN security councils are unable to be enforced in regards to north Korea which in turn results an inability to resolve peace and maintain world order. Good. “ UN security council increases pressure on North Korea” 3/6/17  SMH states how due to the ineffectiveness of the UN security resolutions, new initiative with greater pressure is required. Beaucase of the ineffective of the UN security council resolutions, the needs of society are unable to be met as society requires a significant an effective measure in order to steam the developments in North Koreas missile development. Expression issue. Because of this, it is clearly evident that the UN is highly ineffective in regards to maintaining world order in the DPRK. More strong arguments, but being more succinct would let you argue your points more clearly and include more evidence/examples.

I think you have put the argument at the forefront of your response, which is fantastic, and the whole point of a response like this. Before tomorrow, see if you can tidy up your wording and insert some more varied examples/treaties/laws/with the extra space - It's about quality over quantity though, and I think your essay is strong! ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Kekemato_BAP on June 07, 2017, 11:04:01 am
Hey guys, this is my introduction for my world order essay on effectiveness of legal/non-legal measures in Syria.
Intros are usually the hardest part for me to write :/

World order aims to maintain peace and security around the world. This can only be achieved if governments around the world cooperate for the common goal of ending conflicts and global instability. However, current conflicts in places such as Syria have threatened the security of global stability because of constant failure to cease the ongoing civil war where the US oppose Russia in supporting sides of the war. The legal mechanisms for global peace such as the United Nations, NATO, and the overarching “responsibility to protect” (R2P) have been somewhat ineffective in resolving the ongoing conflicts in Syria and the Middle-East due to issues of conflicts of interest between the Permanent 5 and state sovereignty. The aid provided by non-legal organisations such as The Red Cross, and Doctors without Borders exist to deal with the humanitarian effort caused by the war that the legal measures have failed to rectify. Ultimately, the effectiveness of legal measures have essentially been hindered by these issues that result from the uncooperative nature of other governments.

Thank you :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 07, 2017, 07:49:27 pm
Quote from: Kirri Rule on June 06, 2017, 07:44:29 pm
Hi guys I have a family law essay due on thursday and was wondering if you guys could check through it as my teacher is horrible at replying and when she does it's the same feedback of "just make sure your argument is clear", so was wondering if you guys had any other feedback on how to improve this. Also really struggling with the conclusion so any feedback is helpful! Thanks heaps.

Hey Kirri! I'd be happy to give this some feedback - As above though, you should try and get it to us a little earlier next time! That way you've got proper time to read and apply the feedback. Nevertheless, hopefully my comments are helpful! I've attached your essay with comments in bold:

Spoiler
Evaluate whether legal and non­legal responses have achieved just outcomes for family members and society in regards to domestic violence?

Domestic violence (DV) is defined as any act, whether verbal or physical, of a violent or abusive nature that takes place within a domestic relationship (Cambridge, 2006). I know there is a big thing about defining terms, but you definitely shouldn't be defining domestic violence. Your marker knows what it is already! DV as a rising issue among society caused by the changing values of communities, into the unacceptable nature of harm within relationships. A little unclear what you are saying there. With the issue coming to light it places legal and non legal responses in a better position to be able to “catch up” in the achievement of just outcomes for families and societies. Good, I like that perspective! Legal responses are proven to be adequate on paper but lacking in the practicality in the enforcement in the achievement of just outcomes. Little expression issue there - To many "in the"s! Similarly non legal responses prove effective in the promotion and raising awareness of the issue, though, being restrained within the limitations of holding no legal enforceability. With 1 in 3 women experiencing physical violence since the age of 15 (AIC, 2015), highlights the need for further achievement of just outcomes for family members and society in DV. Overall, I like this introduction! Makes your argument clear and runs through your key points. Watch for expression and make sure you use the space efficiently.
 
One legal response designed to protect the applicant from violence and other forms of intimidation or abuse by the offender are, ADVOs (Legal Aid NSW, nd). Try to make the judgement in the first sentence - Make it obvious straight away! The introduction of the Crimes (Domestic and Personal Violence) Amendment Bill 2013 (NSW) reinforced previous legislation by refining the guidelines. How? A tad more specific here. Now enabling police to issue provisional ADVO’s and holding the power to detain someone until the offender has received an ADVO (NSW Police, 2013). Good. Therefore providing just outcomes in the protection of families and general society, as having been regarded as the “single most practical meaningful reform in combating domestic violence” (On the Spot ADVO’s to protect women, The Aus 2013). Careful, you are flowing your ideas through multiple sentences but not really joining them properly, just a little off on the expression. Good use of media though. Though alternatively the ineffectiveness of enforcement, in the Daily Telegraphs article “Slap on the wrist for AVOs”, Alicia reports that “only 12.4% of apprehended ADVO breaches are punished by jail time with the average sentence being only 4 months” (Daily Telegraph 2015). Nice statistic - Again though, watch expression. Proving the achievement of little justice for family members as their is none to little enforcement of ADVO breaches, dangerously causing the offenders to believe that an ADVO is “just a piece of paper” to which compliance is optional. Nice argument. Limited supervision and enforcement of offenders, give them opportunities to breach their restrictions, putting the victim at risk as seen by the Jean Majdalawi (1996) case. Try and use the proper referencing format, if you can. This case proves the ineffectiveness of legal responses in achieving justice for the victims and society, as Jean was brutally murdered whilst on an ADVO, due to the offenders resentfulness and desire for revenge. Naomi Toy states in “2007 23,176 ADVOs were issued in NSW and in the same year there were more than 10,000 recorded breaches” (Daily Telegraph, 2008), highlighting the ineffectiveness in justice for victim and society, in the outrages reoffending numbers. Therefore proving that ADVOs as a legal response can provide a temporary and efficient protection for the victim, though the unsupervised nature and lack of practical enforcement, places the victim at high potential risk. Nice judgements made and good pieces of evidence. I think your expression is the thing that is holding you back - It could be more succinct and more direct, some places the reader (marker) is doing a bit more work than they should be to follow what you are saying!
 
Further ineffectiveness in achieving justice is shown through the enforcement of DV offenders seeking bail. What do you mean by enforcement of DV offenders seeking bail? Slightly unclear. Under section 9A of the Bail Act 1978 (NSW) it explicitly stated that bail would be declined to a DV offender or an individual who breached their ADVO, though this act was amended in 2013. In the Bail Act 2013 (NSW) under section 19, it states that an individual will be refused bail if they are deemed an “unacceptable risk” in the “endangerment of safety of victims, individuals or the community” (Austlii, 2013). Don't quote Austlii here, that's just the law itself. No citation needed. Thus proving the reform ineffective as it is the judge's discretion to which individuals they deem as an “endangerment”, as opposed to the 1978 in which it was explicitly outlined that their bail shall be refused. I like how you've picked the law apart - Good work. The further review of the bail system for DV offenders, had a massive push for reform in February 2017 after the media outburst following Teresa Bradford death. Expression. David Bradford had been jailed on serious DV charges and then got granted bail, who following this broke into his wife’s home and brutally stabbed her in front of their four children, before killing himself. Thus proving the ineffectiveness of legal responses in achieving just outcomes for individuals and society, in the now ease in which DV offenders are being released on bail. Expression - You can't start a sentence with "Thus" the way you are doing in this paragraph, it should be "Thus, this proves the ineffectiveness...".
 
Another legal measure that aims at tackling DV is the Family Court of Australia (FCA), under the provision of the Family Law Act 1995 (Cth). Effectiveness?
 Make judgement immediately. With the aim of intervention and protection of children in DV relationships, it is moderately effective in its protection of children under the The Convention on the Rights Of the Child 1989 (CROC). Though the FCA proves effective when making judgements and imposing penalties as it takes into account previous DV/violent history, achieving justice for victims in putting their safety first (Family Court of Australia, 2016). Theoretically on paper this would be highly effective, though in practice it’s highly ineffective, proved in the Rosie Batty DV case in 2014. Nice use of evidence in this paragraph - Varied and judgements are obvious. Good work. Where the rights over the parents were placed above the rights of the son Luke, in allowing the father to be involved in his life. Expression - You've started this sentence in mid thought - What does "where" refer to? I know it is the case, but that was in the previous sentence. The expression can really hamper the sophistication of what you are writing. The Victorian Coroner Ian Gray said to ABC News in 2015, that his investigation identified "a number of gaps or flaws" in the family violence system. This case demonstrates the ineffectiveness of legal responses such as the FCA to take into consideration the ability for a DV offender to reoffend and cause sufficient harm to their family and society. (ABC,2015) Also showing how/why the FCA is only moderately effective in upholding CROC because in this case the “best interest” of the child was put secondary to the right of the parent. Proving that it is only moderately effective in the achievement of just outcomes for family and society due to the gaps in the legal systems enforcement that need to be addressed. Fantastic use of evidence and arguments in this paragraph, good work.
 
In addition, government responses, have taken steps towards the reduction of DV rates, in the Turnbull government attempting to change the national culture to make disrespecting women and children unacceptable(ABC,2015) . This push for change follows the 63 deaths in 2015 as a result of DV(ABC,2015) .Following their aim to make it a “national objective to ensure Australia is more respecting of women” as it has been “ignored for far too long and we must have a zero tolerance for it” (PM Malcolm Turnbull unveils $100 million package to fight domestic violence, ABC, 25 September 2015). In doing so the government has increased resources such as GPS panic buttons for victims and educational resources to changes attitudes of DV by elevating the issue to a national knowledge in its unacceptability. Though this is all being implemented it has yet to prove effective in means of reducing DV and further enforcement is needed to protect victims and achieve justice for families. Good paragraph, good arguments, but I feel this feels a little out of place as a paragraph. Perhaps you could expand it to include other initiatives/strategies, or expand on these ones more? Just feels short.
 
Moreover, the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth) was amended in 1995 to remove the requirement that previously needed a person to “reasonably” fear for their safety, and to include controlling behaviour. However with cases such as R v Gittany [2013] NSWSC 1503 and R v Mulvihill [2014] NSWSC 443, both involving the murder through the cause of domestic violence. Proven that these measure have been largely ineffective in the protection and achievement of just outcomes for the victims and general society. Ditto with this paragraph - Too short. Feels very out of place, there isn't a fully formed argument. I'd merge this somewhere else.
 
In contrast, the non legal mechanism, Rosie Batty’s iMatter App was developed to help young women recognise the abusive and controlling warning signs of a potential DV relationship. (Doncare, 2017) Judgement? Created by Rosie Batty in the wake of the murder of her son, at the hands of her husband. It aims to promote positive self esteem for women, as well as to educate about disrespect and intimate partner violence. (Doncare, 2017) Don't tell me what the measure does, that isn't super important - Get to your judgements immediately. With the aim of promoting conversations about healthy relationship behaviour, raising awareness about DV. (Doncare, 2017) Though this non legal mechanism is only mildly effective, as it can help individuals realise the signs of a DV relationship, it can’t physically give them any protection or hold any legal power to interfere. You've made a judgement at the end here, but you've not delved into it or expanded on it in any way. Definitely not as strong as prior paragraphs.
 
Further, NGO’s are another mechanism of non-legal responses in achieving justice for DV, which are non government groups. Judgement? NGOs are groups who lobby for change, attempt to promote issues of DV and compile reports. Don't need to explain what NGO's are. They concern themselves with the spreading of awareness and pressure on the government. One example of a NGO is the White Ribbon campaign, which through primary prevention initiatives involving awareness raising and educational programs with youth, schools and workplaces attempts to aid in the reducement of DV. (White Ribbon Australia, 2017) Through promotional material White Ribbon constantly reminds society about the prevalence of DV and encourages people to band together in pushing for change. Though it is effective in promotion, though with a lack of support and ability to have any say in the changing of laws, the NGO proves ineffective in achieving just outcomes for families and society. Again, the judgement is a bit of an afterthought in this paragraph. You could perhaps link this paragraph and the last to make it stronger.
 
Another non legal measure is the media, and it is known to have immense impacts on the opinions, values and views of the society. Immensely good or bad?
 Make your judgements clear and explicit! This allows the media to raise public awareness of DV and of any concerns arising around the issue. The media can also desensitise the issue of DV and have an adverse effect if too much coverage of this issue is presented before the community. Thus effecting law reform which only comes about if it is seen as an important issue in the eyes of the community. The media is a moderately effective non legal tool as it can raise awareness but holds the ability to halt or limit the ability for reform on the issue. 
 
Therefore, legal and nonlegal measure in response to dealing with DV, are proved moderately effective. With each measure respectively, having its benefits but also its limits in producing just outcomes for families and the wider community. Though the issue of DV has a wide range of mechanisms that aid in its elimination most of these responses still prove only to a limited extent effective, in achieving justice for all.   I think this conclusion does the job! Restates your argument succinctly and links back to the question :)

Strong essay Kirri, good work - Love your use of evidence and the focus on your argument in early paragraphs. It drops off as soon as you go to Non Legal Responses though, watch for that! Also be sure you start every paragraph with some sort of judgement and link to the question ("_________ are extremely effective in achieving justice in terms of DV.").

The big thing for you to watch is expression. I'm doing a lot of work to piece together your arguments myself, because the sentences don't flow neatly into one another - I've indicated a few places where this is obvious but it is an issue through pretty much your whole essay. You are ending a sentence, then continuing with the same thought without linking it together properly. It's a secondary issue to evidence and such, but your evidence is great, so focusing on the expression should be your priority :)

Hope this helps! ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 07, 2017, 07:53:17 pm
Quote from: Kekemato_BAP on June 07, 2017, 11:04:01 am
Hey guys, this is my introduction for my world order essay on effectiveness of legal/non-legal measures in Syria.
Intros are usually the hardest part for me to write :/

World order aims to maintain peace and security around the world. This can only be achieved if governments around the world cooperate for the common goal of ending conflicts and global instability. I'd merge those two sentences - You don't need to define/explain world order to your marker, they know exactly what it is! However, current conflicts in places such as Syria have threatened the security of global stability because of constant failure to cease the ongoing civil war where the US oppose Russia in supporting sides of the war. A little messy in expression there, try simplifying a little - Just, "Current conflicts, such as the ongoing conflict in Syria and the concurrent political situation, threaten global stability." Or something. The legal mechanisms for global peace such as the United Nations, NATO, and the overarching “responsibility to protect” (R2P) have been somewhat ineffective in resolving the ongoing conflicts in Syria and the Middle-East due to issues of conflicts of interest between the Permanent 5 and state sovereignty. Nice judgement made there, and listing where your essay will focus. Good. The aid provided by non-legal organisations such as The Red Cross, and Doctors without Borders exist to deal with the humanitarian effort caused by the war that the legal measures have failed to rectify. How effectively? Judgement is key. Ultimately, the effectiveness of legal measures have essentially been hindered by these issues that result from the uncooperative nature of other governments.

I think this introduction works really well! Some slight expression issues that you could tidy up over time, but I think it does the job it is supposed to do ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Kirri Rule on June 07, 2017, 09:12:54 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on June 07, 2017, 07:49:27 pm
Hey Kirri! I'd be happy to give this some feedback - As above though, you should try and get it to us a little earlier next time! That way you've got proper time to read and apply the feedback. Nevertheless, hopefully my comments are helpful! I've attached your essay with comments in bold:

Spoiler
Evaluate whether legal and non­legal responses have achieved just outcomes for family members and society in regards to domestic violence?

Domestic violence (DV) is defined as any act, whether verbal or physical, of a violent or abusive nature that takes place within a domestic relationship (Cambridge, 2006). I know there is a big thing about defining terms, but you definitely shouldn't be defining domestic violence. Your marker knows what it is already! DV as a rising issue among society caused by the changing values of communities, into the unacceptable nature of harm within relationships. A little unclear what you are saying there. With the issue coming to light it places legal and non legal responses in a better position to be able to “catch up” in the achievement of just outcomes for families and societies. Good, I like that perspective! Legal responses are proven to be adequate on paper but lacking in the practicality in the enforcement in the achievement of just outcomes. Little expression issue there - To many "in the"s! Similarly non legal responses prove effective in the promotion and raising awareness of the issue, though, being restrained within the limitations of holding no legal enforceability. With 1 in 3 women experiencing physical violence since the age of 15 (AIC, 2015), highlights the need for further achievement of just outcomes for family members and society in DV. Overall, I like this introduction! Makes your argument clear and runs through your key points. Watch for expression and make sure you use the space efficiently.
 
One legal response designed to protect the applicant from violence and other forms of intimidation or abuse by the offender are, ADVOs (Legal Aid NSW, nd). Try to make the judgement in the first sentence - Make it obvious straight away! The introduction of the Crimes (Domestic and Personal Violence) Amendment Bill 2013 (NSW) reinforced previous legislation by refining the guidelines. How? A tad more specific here. Now enabling police to issue provisional ADVO’s and holding the power to detain someone until the offender has received an ADVO (NSW Police, 2013). Good. Therefore providing just outcomes in the protection of families and general society, as having been regarded as the “single most practical meaningful reform in combating domestic violence” (On the Spot ADVO’s to protect women, The Aus 2013). Careful, you are flowing your ideas through multiple sentences but not really joining them properly, just a little off on the expression. Good use of media though. Though alternatively the ineffectiveness of enforcement, in the Daily Telegraphs article “Slap on the wrist for AVOs”, Alicia reports that “only 12.4% of apprehended ADVO breaches are punished by jail time with the average sentence being only 4 months” (Daily Telegraph 2015). Nice statistic - Again though, watch expression. Proving the achievement of little justice for family members as their is none to little enforcement of ADVO breaches, dangerously causing the offenders to believe that an ADVO is “just a piece of paper” to which compliance is optional. Nice argument. Limited supervision and enforcement of offenders, give them opportunities to breach their restrictions, putting the victim at risk as seen by the Jean Majdalawi (1996) case. Try and use the proper referencing format, if you can. This case proves the ineffectiveness of legal responses in achieving justice for the victims and society, as Jean was brutally murdered whilst on an ADVO, due to the offenders resentfulness and desire for revenge. Naomi Toy states in “2007 23,176 ADVOs were issued in NSW and in the same year there were more than 10,000 recorded breaches” (Daily Telegraph, 2008), highlighting the ineffectiveness in justice for victim and society, in the outrages reoffending numbers. Therefore proving that ADVOs as a legal response can provide a temporary and efficient protection for the victim, though the unsupervised nature and lack of practical enforcement, places the victim at high potential risk. Nice judgements made and good pieces of evidence. I think your expression is the thing that is holding you back - It could be more succinct and more direct, some places the reader (marker) is doing a bit more work than they should be to follow what you are saying!
 
Further ineffectiveness in achieving justice is shown through the enforcement of DV offenders seeking bail. What do you mean by enforcement of DV offenders seeking bail? Slightly unclear. Under section 9A of the Bail Act 1978 (NSW) it explicitly stated that bail would be declined to a DV offender or an individual who breached their ADVO, though this act was amended in 2013. In the Bail Act 2013 (NSW) under section 19, it states that an individual will be refused bail if they are deemed an “unacceptable risk” in the “endangerment of safety of victims, individuals or the community” (Austlii, 2013). Don't quote Austlii here, that's just the law itself. No citation needed. Thus proving the reform ineffective as it is the judge's discretion to which individuals they deem as an “endangerment”, as opposed to the 1978 in which it was explicitly outlined that their bail shall be refused. I like how you've picked the law apart - Good work. The further review of the bail system for DV offenders, had a massive push for reform in February 2017 after the media outburst following Teresa Bradford death. Expression. David Bradford had been jailed on serious DV charges and then got granted bail, who following this broke into his wife’s home and brutally stabbed her in front of their four children, before killing himself. Thus proving the ineffectiveness of legal responses in achieving just outcomes for individuals and society, in the now ease in which DV offenders are being released on bail. Expression - You can't start a sentence with "Thus" the way you are doing in this paragraph, it should be "Thus, this proves the ineffectiveness...".
 
Another legal measure that aims at tackling DV is the Family Court of Australia (FCA), under the provision of the Family Law Act 1995 (Cth). Effectiveness?
 Make judgement immediately. With the aim of intervention and protection of children in DV relationships, it is moderately effective in its protection of children under the The Convention on the Rights Of the Child 1989 (CROC). Though the FCA proves effective when making judgements and imposing penalties as it takes into account previous DV/violent history, achieving justice for victims in putting their safety first (Family Court of Australia, 2016). Theoretically on paper this would be highly effective, though in practice it’s highly ineffective, proved in the Rosie Batty DV case in 2014. Nice use of evidence in this paragraph - Varied and judgements are obvious. Good work. Where the rights over the parents were placed above the rights of the son Luke, in allowing the father to be involved in his life. Expression - You've started this sentence in mid thought - What does "where" refer to? I know it is the case, but that was in the previous sentence. The expression can really hamper the sophistication of what you are writing. The Victorian Coroner Ian Gray said to ABC News in 2015, that his investigation identified "a number of gaps or flaws" in the family violence system. This case demonstrates the ineffectiveness of legal responses such as the FCA to take into consideration the ability for a DV offender to reoffend and cause sufficient harm to their family and society. (ABC,2015) Also showing how/why the FCA is only moderately effective in upholding CROC because in this case the “best interest” of the child was put secondary to the right of the parent. Proving that it is only moderately effective in the achievement of just outcomes for family and society due to the gaps in the legal systems enforcement that need to be addressed. Fantastic use of evidence and arguments in this paragraph, good work.
 
In addition, government responses, have taken steps towards the reduction of DV rates, in the Turnbull government attempting to change the national culture to make disrespecting women and children unacceptable(ABC,2015) . This push for change follows the 63 deaths in 2015 as a result of DV(ABC,2015) .Following their aim to make it a “national objective to ensure Australia is more respecting of women” as it has been “ignored for far too long and we must have a zero tolerance for it” (PM Malcolm Turnbull unveils $100 million package to fight domestic violence, ABC, 25 September 2015). In doing so the government has increased resources such as GPS panic buttons for victims and educational resources to changes attitudes of DV by elevating the issue to a national knowledge in its unacceptability. Though this is all being implemented it has yet to prove effective in means of reducing DV and further enforcement is needed to protect victims and achieve justice for families. Good paragraph, good arguments, but I feel this feels a little out of place as a paragraph. Perhaps you could expand it to include other initiatives/strategies, or expand on these ones more? Just feels short.
 
Moreover, the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth) was amended in 1995 to remove the requirement that previously needed a person to “reasonably” fear for their safety, and to include controlling behaviour. However with cases such as R v Gittany [2013] NSWSC 1503 and R v Mulvihill [2014] NSWSC 443, both involving the murder through the cause of domestic violence. Proven that these measure have been largely ineffective in the protection and achievement of just outcomes for the victims and general society. Ditto with this paragraph - Too short. Feels very out of place, there isn't a fully formed argument. I'd merge this somewhere else.
 
In contrast, the non legal mechanism, Rosie Batty’s iMatter App was developed to help young women recognise the abusive and controlling warning signs of a potential DV relationship. (Doncare, 2017) Judgement? Created by Rosie Batty in the wake of the murder of her son, at the hands of her husband. It aims to promote positive self esteem for women, as well as to educate about disrespect and intimate partner violence. (Doncare, 2017) Don't tell me what the measure does, that isn't super important - Get to your judgements immediately. With the aim of promoting conversations about healthy relationship behaviour, raising awareness about DV. (Doncare, 2017) Though this non legal mechanism is only mildly effective, as it can help individuals realise the signs of a DV relationship, it can’t physically give them any protection or hold any legal power to interfere. You've made a judgement at the end here, but you've not delved into it or expanded on it in any way. Definitely not as strong as prior paragraphs.
 
Further, NGO’s are another mechanism of non-legal responses in achieving justice for DV, which are non government groups. Judgement? NGOs are groups who lobby for change, attempt to promote issues of DV and compile reports. Don't need to explain what NGO's are. They concern themselves with the spreading of awareness and pressure on the government. One example of a NGO is the White Ribbon campaign, which through primary prevention initiatives involving awareness raising and educational programs with youth, schools and workplaces attempts to aid in the reducement of DV. (White Ribbon Australia, 2017) Through promotional material White Ribbon constantly reminds society about the prevalence of DV and encourages people to band together in pushing for change. Though it is effective in promotion, though with a lack of support and ability to have any say in the changing of laws, the NGO proves ineffective in achieving just outcomes for families and society. Again, the judgement is a bit of an afterthought in this paragraph. You could perhaps link this paragraph and the last to make it stronger.
 
Another non legal measure is the media, and it is known to have immense impacts on the opinions, values and views of the society. Immensely good or bad?
 Make your judgements clear and explicit! This allows the media to raise public awareness of DV and of any concerns arising around the issue. The media can also desensitise the issue of DV and have an adverse effect if too much coverage of this issue is presented before the community. Thus effecting law reform which only comes about if it is seen as an important issue in the eyes of the community. The media is a moderately effective non legal tool as it can raise awareness but holds the ability to halt or limit the ability for reform on the issue. 
 
Therefore, legal and nonlegal measure in response to dealing with DV, are proved moderately effective. With each measure respectively, having its benefits but also its limits in producing just outcomes for families and the wider community. Though the issue of DV has a wide range of mechanisms that aid in its elimination most of these responses still prove only to a limited extent effective, in achieving justice for all.   I think this conclusion does the job! Restates your argument succinctly and links back to the question :)

Strong essay Kirri, good work - Love your use of evidence and the focus on your argument in early paragraphs. It drops off as soon as you go to Non Legal Responses though, watch for that! Also be sure you start every paragraph with some sort of judgement and link to the question ("_________ are extremely effective in achieving justice in terms of DV.").

The big thing for you to watch is expression. I'm doing a lot of work to piece together your arguments myself, because the sentences don't flow neatly into one another - I've indicated a few places where this is obvious but it is an issue through pretty much your whole essay. You are ending a sentence, then continuing with the same thought without linking it together properly. It's a secondary issue to evidence and such, but your evidence is great, so focusing on the expression should be your priority :)

Hope this helps! ;D
Thank you so much for your feedback i will definitely take it on board!!! Much appreciated. Thank you :))
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: bellerina on June 11, 2017, 01:50:12 am
Hello everyone! This is my Family Law Speech, if anyone has time to mark it, it would be really awesome! Thanks!  :)

Research the Family Court of Australia and present the findings of your research in the form of an oral report (time limit of 5 minutes). In your report:
Spoiler
a) Outline the role of the Family Court of Australia in Australia’s legal system.
Family Court of Australia was established under the Family Law Act 1975, and has original jurisdictions over all states and territories except for Western Australia. The court has a pivotal role in addressing complex and serious family matters that were previously handled by state supreme courts, which includes divorce applications, parenting disputes and separation.

b) Identify and describe ONE case that has been heard in the Family Court of Australia.
In dealing with cases, the Family Court of Australia aims to ensure that their decisions are in the child’s best interest. This is evident in the case, Austin & Austin [2010] which considered the application of an Interim parenting order made by Mr. Austin against Ms Austin. Despite the equal parental responsibility between both parties, Mr. Austin asserted that since Ms Austin had severe drinking problem and violently abused the boys, the parenting order should give him full custody and responsibility over them. The final decision was determined under Judge Scarlett FM, who found that since the two boys’ experienced physical and psychological harm from Ms Austin that it is only in the best interest of the children to approve the order, whilst also allowing on occasions for Ms Austin to visit the boys, under close supervision.

c) Evaluate the effectiveness of the Family Court of Australia in achieving justice for family members using the criteria (factors) to be considered when evaluating the effectiveness of family law in achieving justice.
* Equality
* Accessibility
* Enforceability
* Resource efficiency
* Protection and recognition of individual rights
* Law as a reflection of community standards and expectations
* Opportunities for appeals and review
* Balance of individual rights and values and community rights and values

The Family Court’s jurisdiction and power over ensuring parental responsibility is shared between both parties clearly articulates its effectiveness in achieving justice for family members. Under the Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility Act 2006) (Cth), it allows for the court to greatly emphasise on shared parental contact and parental responsibility in broken families, which validates its effectiveness in enforcing both parents to take responsibility for the care and financial support of a child. It’s by putting the ‘best interests’ of the child first and foremost, the Family Court is able to ensure that the child’s rights are recognised and protected. This is prevalent through the case, Neville & Neville [2013] which demonstrated the effectiveness of the family court in obligating both parties to adhere to the parenting orders which ensures shared parental responsibility whilst also focusing on the conciliation and mediation of their issues. It is by the Family Court’s ability to create a mutual understanding between parties over their parental responsibilities that it decreases future conflict and ensures a just outcome for all family members involved. This is further validated by the Australian Institute of Family Studies, which showed that 16% of children spend equal time with both parents, which consecutively led to a 22% decline in the number of cases going to the family court regarding the care of children. On the contrary, the effectiveness of the family court, however, can be adversely affected when a parent manifestly fails in their responsibility to their children whilst the child is under their care.  Under the FLA Act 2006, the court must consider whether there has been family violence present when creating parenting orders. It has to ensure that any orders about the future of the child are established with acknowledgement of existing family violence and whether that decision meets the best interest of the child. As stated, the case Austin & Austin [2010], illustrates the violation of the parental responsibility shared between Mr. Austin and Ms Austin, consequently leading to the court favoring Mr. Austin’s application for interim order, which gave him custody and responsibility over his children. Despite parenting orders dealing with violence as part of a larger problem and recognizes the effect of family violence on children, it must be effectively policed and efficiently enforced in order for an equitable outcome for all family members involved. However, since, the family court ensures that both parties are given equal opportunities over parental rights and responsibilities, it exhibits its overall effectiveness in achieving justice.


Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: maria1999 on June 18, 2017, 10:07:12 am
Hi everyone!
I have a family law essay due on Thursday and I was wondering if someone could take and give me so feedback on what I've written. In writing it you need to have referred to one contemporary issue and I chose the recognition of same-sex couples. This is the question: Evaluate the responsiveness of the law in achieving justice for family members I'm real sorry in advance for how long it is, it's meant to be 1200 words. Thank you so much!

The responsiveness of the law in achieving justice for all family members in regards to the recognition of same sex couples has been fairly responsive. The concept of family law, by nature, is complex and continually evolving and thus the area of family law must be malleable and dynamic in response to allow justice to be afforded for all members of a family. In the instance of recognising same-sex couples and families, the Australian legal system has made significant progress in ensuring that their rights are kept consistent with that of their heterosexual counterparts. However, the law’s denial of marital status to same-sex couples significantly limits its responsiveness in achieving justice for family members. 
 
Over the past thirty years, the law has made significant changes in legally recognising same sex couples. These changes were exemplified through the The Property (Relationships) Act 1984 (NSW) which officially established de-facto couples as having the same legal standing as married couples in regards to areas which were previously overlooked such as inheritance and property division in the event of death or illness. Same-sex couples were excluded from the entitlements of this law as the legal system was yet to recognise them as legitimate couples. In the case of Howard v Andrews (1996)a man was unable to claim the property of his deceased male partner due to the nature of inheritance laws in currently in place. The law in turn responded to this institutionalised discrimination as demonstrated by the Property (Relationships) Legislation Amendment Act 1999 (NSW) which saw not only the extension of property and inheritance rights to same-sex couples but also introduced a definition of de-facto as “two adult persons living together as a couple who are not married or related by marriage”. Changes such as these exemplify how the role of law reform is pivotal in achieving just outcomes for family members. Legislative changes such as this became the catalyst for effective responses from the law in achieving justice for family members.
 
The constantly changing nature of family law calls for dynamic and effective responses from the law with issues that arise concerning children in same-sex partnerships. In today’s society, the idea of the family unit is incredibly different to the typical image of the nuclear family and the law has attempted to be responsive in recognising this change. Previous to the Adoption Amendment (Same sex couples) Act 2010 NSW, same-sex couples were denied the right to legally adopt children within the state of New South Wales. This would bare many implications for same-sex families as seen within the case of AA v The Registrar of Births, Deaths and Marriages where a child born to a lesbian couple through means of artificial insemination was not able to have the name of both female parents on their birth certificate. However since the Same-Sex Relationships (Equal Treatment in Commonwealth Laws—General Law Reform) Act 2008,, the law responded to existing prejudices within commonwealth programs and laws that involve child support, medicare, adoption which in turn granted the couple the right to put the names of both females on the certificate without that of a biological father. Societies change in values have also seen the law to be more inclined to consider the best interests of a child before that of its institutionalised prejudices. The Sydney Morning Herald article titled “Adoption by same-sex couple opposed because of birth parents’ Catholic faith” details a case where a court has “allowed a four-year old girl to be adopted by a same-sex couple despite her birth parents’ opposition”. The birth mother, since having a long history of drug use and a conviction for the manslaughter of her infant son, was deemed unfit to raise her child and therefore had her parental rights removed in regards to making decisions for her daughter's best interests. By acknowledging the best interests of the child within this ruling, Australia has complied with its ratification of the Convention on the Rights of a Child and exemplified how the law has the potential to be incredibly responsive in achieving justice for same-sex parented family members. Same-sex couples now enjoy the same parental and adoption rights as their heterosexual counterparts and the significant responsiveness of the law has been instrumental in achieving this outcome.
 
Although the law has strived to recognise same-sex partnerships, the Australian legal system has yet been to completely afford justice to same-sex family members due to the lack of responsiveness in regards to the right to the right of marriage. The Marriage Act 1961 defines marriage as a union between a man and woman voluntarily entered into for life thus reflecting the views of Australian society at the time. However, the Marriage Amendment Act 2004 reaffirmed this heterosexual defintion “to the exclusion of all others” and also rendered same-sex unions solemnised overseas unable to be recognised as a marriage within Australia. In contemporary Australian society, it is evident that attitudes and tolerance towards same-sex couples do not align with the definition that is outlined in the Marriage Act. According to the  ABC article “7 Things Vote Compass reveals about Australians” ,published in June 2016,, more than “half of Australians support same sex marriage” with only “1 in 4 Australians agreeing with the statement that marriage should be between a man and woman”. In attempting to respond to the antiquated definition of marriage that the Act contains, the Australian Capital Territory legislated the Marriage Equality Act 2013 to cease the institutionalised discrimination against same-sex couples within the government. The High Court of Australia ruled that the Marriage Act already included an adequate and comprehensive definition of marriage and the enactment of this law could not exist concurrently with the definition under the Marriage Act. However the ruling from  The Commonwealth of Australia v The Australian Capital Territory (2013), “held that the federal Parliament has power under the Australian constitution to legislate in respect to same sex marriage...and that under the constitution, whether same sex marriage should be provided for by law is a matter for federal Parliament” Therefore it is clear that the government has the potential means to rectify this contemporary issue but still chooses to impede on the rights of Australians in the denial of marital status to same-sex couples. This bears many social implications such as the impression that same-sex couples are somehow secondary to that of their heterosexual counterparts. The law’s blatant lack of responsiveness concerning this issue poses as a significant hindrance in affording justice to members of same-sex families.
 
The law has been fairly responsive in recognising same-sex couples within Australia and in turn achieving justice for family members.  Various changes to legislations and commonwealth programs throughout the years has meant that heterosexual couples and same-sex couples within contemporary Australian society enjoy many of the same rights. Within this judgement, there is clear distinction in the legitimacy of same-sex couples within the government in the denial to marital status. Thus the law is responsive in dealing with the many issues that arise concerning the recognition of same-sex couples however justice can never be truly be afforded to family members until this underlying prejudice is removed.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 18, 2017, 11:01:09 am
Quote from: bellerina on June 11, 2017, 01:50:12 am
Hello everyone! This is my Family Law Speech, if anyone has time to mark it, it would be really awesome! Thanks!  :)

Hey bellerina!! So sorry this took so long to get back to you, but hopefully these comments still help! :)

Spoiler
Research the Family Court of Australia and present the findings of your research in the form of an oral report (time limit of 5 minutes). In your report:
a) Outline the role of the Family Court of Australia in Australia’s legal system.
Family Court of Australia was established under the Family Law Act 1975, and has original jurisdictions over all states and territories except for Western Australia. The court has a pivotal role in addressing complex and serious family matters that were previously handled by state supreme courts, which includes divorce applications, parenting disputes and separation. Good, perhaps a little statement here about why shifting power to the federal court is a good (or perhaps bad in your opinion) thing, just to prime for the rest of the speech? Excellent start though, definitely fulfils the criteria.

b) Identify and describe ONE case that has been heard in the Family Court of Australia.
In dealing with cases, the Family Court of Australia aims to ensure that their decisions are in the child’s best interest. This is evident in the case, Austin & Austin [2010] which considered the application of an Interim parenting order made by Mr. Austin against Ms Austin. Nice natural flow into the next section. Despite the equal parental responsibility between both parties, Mr. Austin asserted that since Ms Austin had severe drinking problem and violently abused the boys, the parenting order should give him full custody and responsibility over them. The final decision was determined under Judge Scarlett FM, who found that since the two boys’ experienced physical and psychological harm from Ms Austin that it is only in the best interest of the children to approve the order, whilst also allowing on occasions for Ms Austin to visit the boys, under close supervision. Good, describes the case well. I'd like to see you add a bit of a conclusive statement here, like, "Thus, we can see how the court has considered what is best for the child," or something similar to that. Just to wrap it up nicely before you shift into judgements.

c) Evaluate the effectiveness of the Family Court of Australia in achieving justice for family members using the criteria (factors) to be considered when evaluating the effectiveness of family law in achieving justice.
* Equality
* Accessibility
* Enforceability
* Resource efficiency
* Protection and recognition of individual rights
* Law as a reflection of community standards and expectations
* Opportunities for appeals and review
* Balance of individual rights and values and community rights and values

The Family Court’s jurisdiction and power over ensuring parental responsibility is shared between both parties clearly articulates its effectiveness in achieving justice for family members. Under the Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility Act 2006) (Cth), it allows for the court to greatly emphasise on shared parental contact and parental responsibility in broken families, which validates its effectiveness in enforcing both parents to take responsibility for the care and financial support of a child. Excellent judgements being made here. It’s by putting the ‘best interests’ of the child first and foremost, the Family Court is able to ensure that the child’s rights are recognised and protected. This is prevalent through the case, Neville & Neville [2013] which demonstrated the effectiveness of the family court in obligating both parties to adhere to the parenting orders which ensures shared parental responsibility whilst also focusing on the conciliation and mediation of their issues. Perfect, I like that you haven't gone into case details because you don't need them here. It is by the Family Court’s ability to create a mutual understanding between parties over their parental responsibilities that it decreases future conflict and ensures a just outcome for all family members involved. This is further validated by the Australian Institute of Family Studies, which showed that 16% of children spend equal time with both parents, which consecutively led to a 22% decline in the number of cases going to the family court regarding the care of children. Good! I'd like to see a bit of a wrap up statement on the positive comments - Just trying to give your speech more structure.

On the contrary, the effectiveness of the family court, however, can be adversely affected when a parent manifestly fails in their responsibility to their children whilst the child is under their care.  Under the FLA Act 2006, the court must consider whether there has been family violence present when creating parenting orders. It has to ensure that any orders about the future of the child are established with acknowledgement of existing family violence and whether that decision meets the best interest of the child. As stated, the case Austin & Austin [2010], illustrates the violation of the parental responsibility shared between Mr. Austin and Ms Austin, consequently leading to the court favoring Mr. Austin’s application for interim order, which gave him custody and responsibility over his children. How effective was this judgement? Any new evidence to present? Despite parenting orders dealing with violence as part of a larger problem and recognizes the effect of family violence on children, it must be effectively policed and efficiently enforced in order for an equitable outcome for all family members involved. However, since, the family court ensures that both parties are given equal opportunities over parental rights and responsibilities, it exhibits its overall effectiveness in achieving justice.

Try and add a little concluding paragraph here! Although it is a speech, some loose structural cues help the reader follow your argument.

This is a fantastic speech! It responds to the cues well and argues its points clearly - Well done. I'd like to see you:

- Add some of the structural elements I indicated, conclusions and the like, just to give the speech a little more structure
- Flesh out your 'negative' arguments for the Family Court a little more with some new pieces of evidence
- Reference more of the criteria - Stuff like resource efficiency, appeals and review (etc) went unmentioned. You might not be able to get them all, but give a few more a go! :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: mohanedibrahim1 on June 19, 2017, 10:01:47 am
Hi there i would love a perfect Legal Studies structure thanks.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: rodero on June 19, 2017, 03:43:23 pm
Quote from: mohanedibrahim1 on June 19, 2017, 10:01:47 am
Hi there i would love a perfect Legal Studies structure thanks.

Hey what's the question that you're answering, and for which topic? I really don't think that there is a 'one size fits all' approach when structuring an essay.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: mohanedibrahim1 on June 20, 2017, 07:48:19 am
Hi there, a good legal studies structure for my assessment and the question is - explain the impact of the media on world order thank you.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 20, 2017, 11:31:49 pm
Quote from: maria1999 on June 18, 2017, 10:07:12 am
Hi everyone!
I have a family law essay due on Thursday and I was wondering if someone could take and give me so feedback on what I've written. In writing it you need to have referred to one contemporary issue and I chose the recognition of same-sex couples. This is the question: Evaluate the responsiveness of the law in achieving justice for family members I'm real sorry in advance for how long it is, it's meant to be 1200 words. Thank you so much!

I'll have feedback on this ready for you when you get home from school tomorrow, sorry for the delay! :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Maddiigracee on June 20, 2017, 11:49:53 pm
Hi Jamon, sorry for the late message.
Could you please have a look at my essay when you are free and provide feedback and perhaps even an estimated mark?
I only did 2 paragraphs to divide into domestic legal and non-legal as the teacher didn't want separate international paragraphs for this essay.
Thank you  :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Wales on June 21, 2017, 02:04:47 am
Quote from: Maddiigracee on June 20, 2017, 11:49:53 pm
Hi Jamon, sorry for the late message.
Could you please have a look at my essay when you are free and provide feedback and perhaps even an estimated mark?
I only did 2 paragraphs to divide into domestic legal and non-legal as the teacher didn't want separate international paragraphs for this essay.
Thank you  :)

Hey :D Welcome to the forums.

To have an essay marked you require at least 15 posts ): If it's urgent I wouldn't mind looking through and providing feedback but as the rules stated you require 15+ posts.

Have a look around, ask questions, join the banter :D You'll love the environment.

Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 21, 2017, 01:56:49 pm
Quote from: maria1999 on June 18, 2017, 10:07:12 am
Hi everyone!
I have a family law essay due on Thursday and I was wondering if someone could take and give me so feedback on what I've written. In writing it you need to have referred to one contemporary issue and I chose the recognition of same-sex couples. This is the question --- I'm real sorry in advance for how long it is, it's meant to be 1200 words. Thank you so much!

Hey Maria! I can definitely give you some feedback on this, your essay is attached in the spoiler with comments in bold! ;D


Essay with Feedback
Evaluate the responsiveness of the law in achieving justice for family members.

The responsiveness of the law in achieving justice for all family members in regards to the recognition of same sex couples has been fairly responsive. Good intro, makes the judgement clear straight away. You could try leading into it a bit more, why is recognition of same sex couples important in the legal system, perhaps? The concept of family law, by nature, is complex and continually evolving and thus the area of family law must be malleable and dynamic in response to allow justice to be afforded for all members of a family. This would make more sense going before the last sentence, perhaps, works well though! In the instance of recognising same-sex couples and families, the Australian legal system has made significant progress in ensuring that their rights are kept consistent with that of their heterosexual counterparts. However, the law’s denial of marital status to same-sex couples significantly limits its responsiveness in achieving justice for family members. Good introduction - Simple, gets the job done.
 
Over the past thirty years, the law has made significant changes in legally recognising same sex couples. Do you mean specifically legislation? Try to not use the word 'law' because that is quite a broad thing. These changes were exemplified through the The Property (Relationships) Act 1984 (NSW) which officially established de-facto couples as having the same legal standing as married couples in regards to areas which were previously overlooked such as inheritance and property division in the event of death or illness. Same-sex couples were excluded from the entitlements of this law as the legal system was yet to recognise them as legitimate couples. In the case of Howard v Andrews (1996)a man was unable to claim the property of his deceased male partner due to the nature of inheritance laws in currently in place. The law in turn responded to this institutionalised discrimination as demonstrated by the Property (Relationships) Legislation Amendment Act 1999 (NSW) which saw not only the extension of property and inheritance rights to same-sex couples but also introduced a definition of de-facto as “two adult persons living together as a couple who are not married or related by marriage”. Excellent analysis of a law, a case which raised an issue with the law, and a change. However, it could be more succinct to allow you to squeeze in more examples. You don't really need to spend a whole sentence or two explaining and describing the initial legislation, for example. Changes such as these exemplify how the role of law reform is pivotal in achieving just outcomes for family members. Legislative changes such as this became the catalyst for effective responses from the law in achieving justice for family members. Good paragraph, but needs more evaluation. You've presented a change, how effective is it? How responsive was it?
 
The constantly changing nature of family law calls for dynamic and effective responses from the law with issues that arise concerning children in same-sex partnerships. In today’s society, the idea of the family unit is incredibly different to the typical image of the nuclear family and the law has attempted to be responsive in recognising this change. Good context to the changes you will discuss. Previous to the Adoption Amendment (Same sex couples) Act 2010 NSW, same-sex couples were denied the right to legally adopt children within the state of New South Wales. This would bare many implications for same-sex families as seen within the case of AA v The Registrar of Births, Deaths and Marriages where a child born to a lesbian couple through means of artificial insemination was not able to have the name of both female parents on their birth certificate. Be sure to link this (very good) evidence to your argument. This is showing ineffectiveness and the fact that the law was 'initially' unresponsive to the issue. However since the Same-Sex Relationships (Equal Treatment in Commonwealth Laws—General Law Reform) Act 2008,, the law responded to existing prejudices within commonwealth programs and laws that involve child support, medicare, adoption which in turn granted the couple the right to put the names of both females on the certificate without that of a biological father. How effective was this change? This is an 'evaluate' question so you need to be making judgements frequently! Societies change in values have also seen the law to be more inclined to consider the best interests of a child before that of its institutionalised prejudices. The Sydney Morning Herald article titled “Adoption by same-sex couple opposed because of birth parents’ Catholic faith” details a case where a court has “allowed a four-year old girl to be adopted by a same-sex couple despite her birth parents’ opposition”. The birth mother, since having a long history of drug use and a conviction for the manslaughter of her infant son, was deemed unfit to raise her child and therefore had her parental rights removed in regards to making decisions for her daughter's best interests. Try to make the case details a little more succinct, blend those two sentences into one - Save yourself some space, case details aren't super important. By acknowledging the best interests of the child within this ruling, Australia has complied with its ratification of the Convention on the Rights of a Child and exemplified how the law has the potential to be incredibly responsive in achieving justice for same-sex parented family members. Great. Same-sex couples now enjoy the same parental and adoption rights as their heterosexual counterparts and the significant responsiveness of the law has been instrumental in achieving this outcome. Great paragraph, good mix of evidence. I think this works really well!
 
Although the law has strived to recognise same-sex partnerships, the Australian legal system has yet been to completely afford justice to same-sex family members due to the lack of responsiveness in regards to the right to the right of marriage. The Marriage Act 1961 defines marriage as a union between a man and woman voluntarily entered into for life thus reflecting the views of Australian society at the time. However, the Marriage Amendment Act 2004 reaffirmed this heterosexual defintion “to the exclusion of all others” and also rendered same-sex unions solemnised overseas unable to be recognised as a marriage within Australia. Again, be sure to link this evidence to your argument. Make a judgement. I should be seeing the words 'effectively' and 'ineffectively' quite frequently. In contemporary Australian society, it is evident that attitudes and tolerance towards same-sex couples do not align with the definition that is outlined in the Marriage Act. According to the  ABC article “7 Things Vote Compass reveals about Australians” ,published in June 2016,, more than “half of Australians support same sex marriage” with only “1 in 4 Australians agreeing with the statement that marriage should be between a man and woman”. Good use of media, I like that you are actually putting media to effective use in building your argument. In attempting to respond to the antiquated definition of marriage that the Act contains, the Australian Capital Territory legislated the Marriage Equality Act 2013 to cease the institutionalised discrimination against same-sex couples within the government. The High Court of Australia ruled that the Marriage Act already included an adequate and comprehensive definition of marriage and the enactment of this law could not exist concurrently with the definition under the Marriage Act. However the ruling from  The Commonwealth of Australia v The Australian Capital Territory (2013), “held that the federal Parliament has power under the Australian constitution to legislate in respect to same sex marriage...and that under the constitution, whether same sex marriage should be provided for by law is a matter for federal Parliament” Fantastic situation to analyse here, but again, try and get it done more quickly. Recounting the series of events isn't as important as referencing the saga as a whole and analysing it for your argument. Give just enough for your argument to make sense. Therefore it is clear that the government has the potential means to rectify this contemporary issue but still chooses to impede on the rights of Australians in the denial of marital status to same-sex couples. Thus demonstrating poor responsiveness - Make your judgements! This bears many social implications such as the impression that same-sex couples are somehow secondary to that of their heterosexual counterparts. The law’s blatant lack of responsiveness concerning this issue poses as a significant hindrance in affording justice to members of same-sex families.
 
The law has been fairly responsive in recognising same-sex couples within Australia and in turn achieving justice for family members.  Various changes to legislations and commonwealth programs throughout the years has meant that heterosexual couples and same-sex couples within contemporary Australian society enjoy many of the same rights. Within this judgement, there is clear distinction in the legitimacy of same-sex couples within the government in the denial to marital status. Thus the law is responsive in dealing with the many issues that arise concerning the recognition of same-sex couples however justice can never be truly be afforded to family members until this underlying prejudice is removed. Good conclusion, works really well to summarise your argument!

Not a whole lot of comments Maria, this works really well! My main piece of feedback would be to make sure you are constantly evaluating, saying "This is good," or "This is bad." You are presenting great evidence and have solid arguments, but just need you to bring it all together a bit better by saying, "So, clearly, the law is shit," or "... thus demonstrating an effective response to changing social values."

Minor criticism, I think this essay will do really well ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Maddiigracee on June 21, 2017, 09:24:46 pm
Ok, thanks Wales. Do the 'posts' have to be giving others advice or can I just ask questions when I need help too?
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Wales on June 21, 2017, 09:27:13 pm
Quote from: Maddiigracee on June 21, 2017, 09:24:46 pm
Ok, thanks Wales. Do the 'posts' have to be giving others advice or can I just ask questions when I need help too?

Both! You can ask questions, help out if you can or add to discussions. As long as they're not just "filler" posts it's cool. We just like people contributing to the community :)

See ya around! PM me or the mods if you need anything
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: maria1999 on June 22, 2017, 10:27:27 am
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on June 21, 2017, 01:56:49 pm
Hey Maria! I can definitely give you some feedback on this, your essay is attached in the spoiler with comments in bold! ;D


Essay with Feedback
Evaluate the responsiveness of the law in achieving justice for family members.

The responsiveness of the law in achieving justice for all family members in regards to the recognition of same sex couples has been fairly responsive. Good intro, makes the judgement clear straight away. You could try leading into it a bit more, why is recognition of same sex couples important in the legal system, perhaps? The concept of family law, by nature, is complex and continually evolving and thus the area of family law must be malleable and dynamic in response to allow justice to be afforded for all members of a family. This would make more sense going before the last sentence, perhaps, works well though! In the instance of recognising same-sex couples and families, the Australian legal system has made significant progress in ensuring that their rights are kept consistent with that of their heterosexual counterparts. However, the law’s denial of marital status to same-sex couples significantly limits its responsiveness in achieving justice for family members. Good introduction - Simple, gets the job done.
 
Over the past thirty years, the law has made significant changes in legally recognising same sex couples. Do you mean specifically legislation? Try to not use the word 'law' because that is quite a broad thing. These changes were exemplified through the The Property (Relationships) Act 1984 (NSW) which officially established de-facto couples as having the same legal standing as married couples in regards to areas which were previously overlooked such as inheritance and property division in the event of death or illness. Same-sex couples were excluded from the entitlements of this law as the legal system was yet to recognise them as legitimate couples. In the case of Howard v Andrews (1996)a man was unable to claim the property of his deceased male partner due to the nature of inheritance laws in currently in place. The law in turn responded to this institutionalised discrimination as demonstrated by the Property (Relationships) Legislation Amendment Act 1999 (NSW) which saw not only the extension of property and inheritance rights to same-sex couples but also introduced a definition of de-facto as “two adult persons living together as a couple who are not married or related by marriage”. Excellent analysis of a law, a case which raised an issue with the law, and a change. However, it could be more succinct to allow you to squeeze in more examples. You don't really need to spend a whole sentence or two explaining and describing the initial legislation, for example. Changes such as these exemplify how the role of law reform is pivotal in achieving just outcomes for family members. Legislative changes such as this became the catalyst for effective responses from the law in achieving justice for family members. Good paragraph, but needs more evaluation. You've presented a change, how effective is it? How responsive was it?
 
The constantly changing nature of family law calls for dynamic and effective responses from the law with issues that arise concerning children in same-sex partnerships. In today’s society, the idea of the family unit is incredibly different to the typical image of the nuclear family and the law has attempted to be responsive in recognising this change. Good context to the changes you will discuss. Previous to the Adoption Amendment (Same sex couples) Act 2010 NSW, same-sex couples were denied the right to legally adopt children within the state of New South Wales. This would bare many implications for same-sex families as seen within the case of AA v The Registrar of Births, Deaths and Marriages where a child born to a lesbian couple through means of artificial insemination was not able to have the name of both female parents on their birth certificate. Be sure to link this (very good) evidence to your argument. This is showing ineffectiveness and the fact that the law was 'initially' unresponsive to the issue. However since the Same-Sex Relationships (Equal Treatment in Commonwealth Laws—General Law Reform) Act 2008,, the law responded to existing prejudices within commonwealth programs and laws that involve child support, medicare, adoption which in turn granted the couple the right to put the names of both females on the certificate without that of a biological father. How effective was this change? This is an 'evaluate' question so you need to be making judgements frequently! Societies change in values have also seen the law to be more inclined to consider the best interests of a child before that of its institutionalised prejudices. The Sydney Morning Herald article titled “Adoption by same-sex couple opposed because of birth parents’ Catholic faith” details a case where a court has “allowed a four-year old girl to be adopted by a same-sex couple despite her birth parents’ opposition”. The birth mother, since having a long history of drug use and a conviction for the manslaughter of her infant son, was deemed unfit to raise her child and therefore had her parental rights removed in regards to making decisions for her daughter's best interests. Try to make the case details a little more succinct, blend those two sentences into one - Save yourself some space, case details aren't super important. By acknowledging the best interests of the child within this ruling, Australia has complied with its ratification of the Convention on the Rights of a Child and exemplified how the law has the potential to be incredibly responsive in achieving justice for same-sex parented family members. Great. Same-sex couples now enjoy the same parental and adoption rights as their heterosexual counterparts and the significant responsiveness of the law has been instrumental in achieving this outcome. Great paragraph, good mix of evidence. I think this works really well!
 
Although the law has strived to recognise same-sex partnerships, the Australian legal system has yet been to completely afford justice to same-sex family members due to the lack of responsiveness in regards to the right to the right of marriage. The Marriage Act 1961 defines marriage as a union between a man and woman voluntarily entered into for life thus reflecting the views of Australian society at the time. However, the Marriage Amendment Act 2004 reaffirmed this heterosexual defintion “to the exclusion of all others” and also rendered same-sex unions solemnised overseas unable to be recognised as a marriage within Australia. Again, be sure to link this evidence to your argument. Make a judgement. I should be seeing the words 'effectively' and 'ineffectively' quite frequently. In contemporary Australian society, it is evident that attitudes and tolerance towards same-sex couples do not align with the definition that is outlined in the Marriage Act. According to the  ABC article “7 Things Vote Compass reveals about Australians” ,published in June 2016,, more than “half of Australians support same sex marriage” with only “1 in 4 Australians agreeing with the statement that marriage should be between a man and woman”. Good use of media, I like that you are actually putting media to effective use in building your argument. In attempting to respond to the antiquated definition of marriage that the Act contains, the Australian Capital Territory legislated the Marriage Equality Act 2013 to cease the institutionalised discrimination against same-sex couples within the government. The High Court of Australia ruled that the Marriage Act already included an adequate and comprehensive definition of marriage and the enactment of this law could not exist concurrently with the definition under the Marriage Act. However the ruling from  The Commonwealth of Australia v The Australian Capital Territory (2013), “held that the federal Parliament has power under the Australian constitution to legislate in respect to same sex marriage...and that under the constitution, whether same sex marriage should be provided for by law is a matter for federal Parliament” Fantastic situation to analyse here, but again, try and get it done more quickly. Recounting the series of events isn't as important as referencing the saga as a whole and analysing it for your argument. Give just enough for your argument to make sense. Therefore it is clear that the government has the potential means to rectify this contemporary issue but still chooses to impede on the rights of Australians in the denial of marital status to same-sex couples. Thus demonstrating poor responsiveness - Make your judgements! This bears many social implications such as the impression that same-sex couples are somehow secondary to that of their heterosexual counterparts. The law’s blatant lack of responsiveness concerning this issue poses as a significant hindrance in affording justice to members of same-sex families.
 
The law has been fairly responsive in recognising same-sex couples within Australia and in turn achieving justice for family members.  Various changes to legislations and commonwealth programs throughout the years has meant that heterosexual couples and same-sex couples within contemporary Australian society enjoy many of the same rights. Within this judgement, there is clear distinction in the legitimacy of same-sex couples within the government in the denial to marital status. Thus the law is responsive in dealing with the many issues that arise concerning the recognition of same-sex couples however justice can never be truly be afforded to family members until this underlying prejudice is removed. Good conclusion, works really well to summarise your argument!

Not a whole lot of comments Maria, this works really well! My main piece of feedback would be to make sure you are constantly evaluating, saying "This is good," or "This is bad." You are presenting great evidence and have solid arguments, but just need you to bring it all together a bit better by saying, "So, clearly, the law is shit," or "... thus demonstrating an effective response to changing social values."

Minor criticism, I think this essay will do really well ;D

Hey Jamon! Thanks so much for taking the time to do this! I incorporated all the feedback you gave me last night into my response and I submitted it this morning! I really appreciate it!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 22, 2017, 06:02:02 pm
Quote from: maria1999 on June 22, 2017, 10:27:27 am
Hey Jamon! Thanks so much for taking the time to do this! I incorporated all the feedback you gave me last night into my response and I submitted it this morning! I really appreciate it!

No problem Maria! I hope it goes well for you ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: kiiaaa on June 22, 2017, 10:17:38 pm
Hi

I was wondering if you could please provide me feedback on my first 25 makrer essay of family law?
I was also wondering if you could help me
-  in my last paragraph for cases and legislation
- how to write an introduction. ( i wrote my body paragraphs but i dont really know how to structure an introduction and conclusion)

Thank you so so so so much  :) :) :)

EVALUATE THE EFFECTIVENESS OF THE LAW IN ACHIEVING JUSTICE FOR PARTIES IN RELATIONSHIP BREAKDOWNS
basically these are my body paragraphs as i dont really know what to write in an introduction and conclusion

 
The law has been significantly effective in achieving justice for the parties [KS1] of a marriage when their marriage breaks down as society  changes and divorce has become more acceptable. The removal of “fault” as the ground for divorce in the Family Law Act 1975, allowed for a more acrimonious approach to divorce in addition to divorce application to quicker and more cost and time efficient as well as meeting the societal values as well as achieving  just outcome for both parties in the marriage as it doesn’t tarnish the reputation of the other spouse when proving fault. Online application have been introduced to to reflect the technological change society undergoes. Despite the ease to apply for a divorce, the rate of divorces has gone down as in 2001 approximately 55000 divorces were granted in comparison to the 49000 divorces in 2011 according to ABS. This  shows how despite the law  making divorce more accessible to it doesn’t compromise with the definition of marriage.
 
When parties are involved in a relationship breakdown, the divison of property is the most contentious issues. The law encourages parties to comply and co-operate with each other which does achieve justice for the separating parties. The law encourages couples to mutually reach an agreements on the allocation of property  through avenues such as Relationship centres which can then be made binding by applying to the family court if the court deems the division to be fair and equitable. Furthermore, the law encompasses for both married and de facto couples and for both circumstances allows the court to allocate property if the couple disputes. The courts take into account factors such as the financial and non-financial contribution of each party in addition to their financial commitments, income, if they have the care of anyone under 18 years of age, ability to maintain a reasonable standard of living and the contributions made to assets as depicted in C & M (2006) where the wife’s contribution were recognized in the division of property. The 2002 reforms to the Family Law Act has allowed to claim super that each spouse has accumulated. While this is beneficial for those spouses who don’t work, or are in less secured positions it reduces overall justice for spouse who’s superannuation is being divided. The law has undergone amendment to recognize Pre-nuptials as binding agreements in the Family Courts which preserve justice as for both individuals to have their properties protected in a mutual deal made rationally by both parties which can be challenged in court if the party deems it to be . Hence the law has been significantly effective in upholding justice for the parties of the relationship when dividing property once the relationship has broken down.
 
The law is vastly effective when achieving  justice for children when parents apply for the divorce as the best interest of the child are the primarily concern of the law. Under part VII of the Family law Act 1975 (CTH) an application for divorce won't be approved  unless a parenting plan has been put in place.  The Child Support Scheme has been implemented to ensure that children are financially secure. However, figures show that only half of payers fully meet their obligations.  Hence the 2006 amendment has allowed the payer’s wage to be garnished if they don’t comply and meet their financial obligation for the child. Furthermore, the law in the 2011 amendment of the Family Law Act, has allowed children to maintain a meaningful relationship with both parents where the quality of time is valued rather than the quantity of the time in response to Rosa v Rosa where the mother had to leave in poor conditions for the child to maintain a relationship with the father. However the impractical lifestyle she maintained wasn’t in the best interest of the child hence catalyzing law reform to remove the vagueness surrounding the law and ensuring CROC is upheld the best interests of the child is given more stance than the parental relationships. The law has reformed having extended to include ex-nuptial children thus being applicable to all children. Hence, the law effectively achieves justice for children when relationships breakdown as law’s primary concern is the best interest of the child.
 
 
Mediation and counselling has been incorporated in the law and is provided to couples aiming to ensure amicable decisions regarding separation are made.  The family Law Act has placed an emphasis on mediation and counselling as a primary dispute resolution, encouraging cooperation between couples as dispute resolution. It is compulsory for disputing couples to attend family counselling sessions unless there is danger to a spouse or an ADVO has been carried out. The law aims to resolve disputes without arbitration which in addition to being beneficial for society it also benefits the couple being cost efficient. Mediation and counselling heavily relies on compliance and cooperation between couples and without so it can be ineffective. Furthermore, the law requires that couples with marriage sunder 2 years to attend compulsory counselling aiming to uphold the definition of marriage and provide resolutions to young couples. Hence the law has been effective in encouraging mediation and counselling however its success relies on the cooperation between the parties when breaking down a relationship
 
 


Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Wales on June 23, 2017, 06:03:01 pm
Quote from: kiiaaa on June 22, 2017, 10:17:38 pm
Hi

I was wondering if you could please provide me feedback on my first 25 makrer essay of family law?
I was also wondering if you could help me
-  in my last paragraph for cases and legislation
- how to write an introduction. ( i wrote my body paragraphs but i dont really know how to structure an introduction and conclusion)

Thank you so so so so much  :) :) :)

EVALUATE THE EFFECTIVENESS OF THE LAW IN ACHIEVING JUSTICE FOR PARTIES IN RELATIONSHIP BREAKDOWNS
basically these are my body paragraphs as i dont really know what to write in an introduction and conclusion

 
The law has been significantlyI was told not to use high modality words unless you can support it. Maybe take out significant as there are always downsides to law reforms effective in achieving justice for the parties [KS1] of a marriage when their marriage breaks down as society changes and divorce has become more acceptable. The removal of “fault” as the ground for divorce in the Family Law Act 1975, allowed for a more acrimonious approach to divorce in addition to divorce application to quicker and more cost and time efficient as well as meeting the societal values as well as How does it meet societal values? You've also used as well as twice in a sentence. I would recommend "In addition to the divorce appliation being quicker and more cost efficient it also meets societal values as it doesn't tarnish ..."achieving  just outcome for both parties in the marriage as it doesn’t tarnish the reputation of the other spouse when proving fault. Online application have been introduced to to reflect the technological change society undergoesEffect? What does online application make easier?. Despite the ease to apply for a divorce, the rate of divorces has gone down as in 2001 approximately 55000 divorces were granted in comparison to the 49000 divorces in 2011 according to ABS. This shows how despite the law making divorce more accessible to it doesn’t compromise with the definition of marriage. You might want to address ineffectiveness here as well. You should always look at both sides the effects of a given legislation.
 
When parties are involved in a relationship breakdown, the divison of property is the most contentious issues. The law encourages parties to comply and co-operate with each otherHow? which does achieveachieves justice for the separating parties. The law encourages couples to mutually reach an agreements on the allocation of property  through avenues such as Relationship centres Good stuff!which can then be made binding by applying to the family court if the court deems the division to be fair and equitable. Furthermore, the law encompasses for both married and de facto couples and for bothWording seems a bit awkward. Maybe for both married and de facto couples to apply for property allocation instead. circumstances allows the court to allocate property if the couple disputes. The courts take into account factors such as the financial and non-financial contribution of each party in addition to their financial commitments, income, if they have the care of anyone under 18 years of age, ability to maintain a reasonable standard of living and the contributions made to assets You should end the sentence here and introduce the case in a new sentence.as depicted in C & M (2006) where the wife’s contribution were recognizesd in the division of property. The 2002 reforms to the Family Law Act has allowed to claim super that each spouse has accumulated. While this is beneficial for those spouses who don’t work, or are in less secured positions it reduces overall justice for spouse who’s superannuation is being dividedHow does it reduce justice? Who is impacted? How are they impacted?. The law has undergone amendment to recognize Pre-nuptials as binding agreements in the Family Courts which preserves justice as for both individuals to have their properties protected in a mutual deal made rationally by both parties which can be challenged in court if the party deems it to be What is the effect of introducing the mutual deal? Who does it create justice for?. Hence the law has been significantly effective in upholding justice for the parties of the relationship when dividing property once the relationship has broken down.
 You may want to address the ineffectiveness of the law here again.

The law is vastly effective when achieving justice for children when parents apply for the divorce as the best interest of the child are the primarily concern of the lawI would have a topic sentence then introduce the specific reform (CROC I think it was) that introduced the best interests of the child. Under part VII of the Family law Act 1975 (CTH) an application for divorce won't be approved  unless a parenting plan has been put in placeWhat does a parenting plan do in terms of achieving justice? Who does it affect primarily?.  The Child Support Scheme has been implemented to ensure that children are financially secure. However, figures show that only half of payers fully meet their obligationsI think you can join that sentence with the previous. Expand on the ineffectiveness here as well..  Hence the 2006 amendment has allowed the payer’s wage to be garnished if they don’t comply and meet their financial obligation for the child. Furthermore, the law in the 2011 amendment of the Family Law ActCite the law properly :) The 2011 Amendment to the FLA, has allowed children to maintain a meaningful relationship with both parents where the quality of time is valued rather than the quantity of the timeWhat did the law change to allow this? in response to Rosa v Rosa where the mother had to leave in poor conditions for the child to maintain a relationship with the father. However the impractical lifestyle she maintained wasn’t in the best interest of the child hence catalyzing law reform to remove the vagueness surrounding the law and ensuring CROC is upheld the best interests of the child Introduce CROC earlier.is given more stance than the parental relationships. The law has reformed having extended to include ex-nuptial children thus being applicable to all children. Hence, the law effectively achieves justice for children when relationships breakdown as law’s primary concern is the best interest of the child.
 
 
Mediation and counselling has been incorporated in the law and is provided to couples aiming to ensure amicable decisions regarding separation are made.  The family Law Act has placed an emphasis on mediation and counselling as a primary dispute resolution, encouraging cooperation between couples as dispute resolutionHow? Which reform did this. I would also back it up with statistics!. It is compulsory for disputing couples to attend family counselling sessions unless there is danger to a spouse or an ADVO has been carried outIneffectiveness here could be ADVO's not preventing the perpetrator of DV. Plenty of cases for that: Jean Majdalawi. Darcey Freeman etc.. The law aims to resolve disputes without arbitration which in addition to being beneficial for society it also benefits the couple being cost efficientand allows financially disadvantaged people access to the law. Mediation and counselling heavily relies on compliance and cooperation between couples and without so it can be ineffectiveWhy? Is it because of tensions between the individuals? How does the law address this.. Furthermore, the law requires that couples with marriage sunder 2 years to attend compulsory counselling aiming to uphold the definition of marriage and provide resolutions to young couples.What does this do? How does it create justice for the individuals HenceMaybe it's just me but you've used hence a lot ): Try cut it down the law has been effective in encouraging mediation and counselling however its success relies on the cooperation between the parties when breaking down a relationship
 
 




I hope the feedback helped! I'm not a experienced marker ( student myself ) and thought I would lend a hand since the markers are rather busy.

I've attached the feedback in bold. Just read the quote and you should see it :)

I feel that a lot of your sentence structure isn't cohesive enough, ideas don't flow well from one to another. I think it's primarily because of your excessive use of conjunctions ( ____ hence it shows ___ and therefore ___ hence justice ). You have the right ideas but you need to judge both sides of reforms.

The conclusion should be a summation of your arguments and your judgement. Has it been effective? If so, for who and ineffective for who? For your introduction I would also include your judgement and provide a definition for family law/areas you're going to talk about. Just brief and nothing too long.

Goodluck! I'm glad to answer any questions you've got.

Regards, Wales
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 23, 2017, 07:25:38 pm
Quote from: kiiaaa on June 22, 2017, 10:17:38 pm
Hi

I was wondering if you could please provide me feedback on my first 25 makrer essay of family law?
I was also wondering if you could help me
-  in my last paragraph for cases and legislation
- how to write an introduction. ( i wrote my body paragraphs but i dont really know how to structure an introduction and conclusion)

Thank you so so so so much  :) :) :)

Hey kiaaa! Wales has given great feedback above, I'll add mine over the weekend ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Wales on June 23, 2017, 07:33:44 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on June 23, 2017, 07:25:38 pm
Hey kiaaa! Wales has given great feedback above, I'll add mine over the weekend ;D

*Insert Jamon stamp of approval* :D

Awesome, glad I was able to lend a hand!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: kiiaaa on June 26, 2017, 10:58:48 pm
Hello hello helloo

I have written an essay on family law and was wondering if you could please mark it for me and provide me feedback please? I was also wondering if you could provide me an indication at the end around what mark it would receive in an exam and if there are any areas i really need to address and improve

thank you very much! :)


Evaluate the effectiveness of the law in protecting victims of domestic violence


Domestic Violence is violence within long intimate relationships and is considered a crime under s11 of the Crimes (Domestic and personal Violence) Act 2007 (NSW). The law has recognized domestic violence as an issue within itself and hence made legislative changes in address the issue due the alarming increase in cases relating domestic violence. The introduction of Apprehended Domestic Violence Orders branching from Apprehended Violence orders, in addition to criminal charges and family court orders display the legal systems attempt to better protect victims of domestic violence through various mechanisms. The law’s moderate effectiveness is demonstrated through the mechanisms having numerous shortfalls which fail to protect the victim thus not achieving the law’s initial purpose.
The law is partially effective in protecting domestic violence victims by introducing Apprehended Domestic Violence orders(ADVO), stemming from Apprehended Violence Orders (AVO) carrying the purpose to protect the victim from assault, intimidation or abuse of any sort. Under the Crimes (Domestic Violence) Amendment Act 1982 (NSW) the victim is required to prove on the balance of probabilities that on reasonable grounds they fear for their for personal violence, intimidation or assault placing the onus upon the victim which can act as a barrier in proving domestic violence. Police can issue interim ADVO’s over the phone from a magistrate if they are satisfied the person seeking the order is at risk of harm thus allowing easy accessibility for victims displaying the law’s effectiveness in protecting victims . However as intensive policing isn’t available, ADVO’s rely on the victims to report any breaches thus is heavily reliant on the defendant to comply with the order. Offenders that are found breeching their ADVO’s can find their bail application being denied under the s9A of the Bail Act to prevent the offender from causing further harm to the victim, a reform coming through the murder of Andrea Patrick who was murdered after her spouse was out on bail after being issued an ADVO. According to the 2015 BOSCAR report, 98% of women who experienced domestic violence no longer did after issuing an ADVO which displays state law’s effectiveness in protecting domestic violence. However, the ineffectiveness of the law is demonstrated as ADVO’s are a state government issue therefore if the perpetrator leaves the state the order won't be applicable. The federal government in response is in the process of introducing a national ADVO system  where “ if women and children receive a court order to protect them in one state it should protect them in all states” Tony Abbot (National Domestic Violence Orders would leave perpetrators nowhere to hide)(ABC) 2014. While the law has many strategies emplaced to protect victims, it contains numerous loopholes which compromise with the laws effectiveness in protecting victims.






The law is moderately effective in protecting victims of domestic violence through criminal charges having police apply for an ADVO on the victim’s behalf if an offence is committed and recorded as a domestic violence offence. Governed by the Crimes (domestic and Personal Violence) Act 2007 (NSW), the strengths of a criminal charge lie that the victim if does face domestic violence and is unwilling to report as are many cases, the police can intervene and take action to protect the victim from further harm and not label domestic violence as a personal issue. Having the law broaden the definition of domestic violence, it incorporates numerous offences such as placing financial constraints or emotional abuse hence allowing victims to be easily protected under the law. However, the short falls within the law are demonstrated as criminal charges have a high standard of proof being ‘beyond reasonable doubt.’ While this ensures justice to society that only the perpetrator receives charge, the high standard can make it difficult for the victim to prove than an ADVO. Furthermore, the severe outcome of having a criminal conviction can deter police and victims to pursue the charges. Therefore, criminal charges adequately protect the domestic violence victims, however, the law does contain aspects where shortfalls lie.

Family court orders as an element of the law have limited effectiveness in protecting domestic violence victims. Under the Family Law Act 1975, a victim can seek for orders similar to an ADVO as an injunction or parenting orders.  The court orders acknowledge violence to be part of a larger family problem and subsequently can order an injunction which can prevent or make an individual to do something. The law’s weakness however lies in that it operates the same as an AVO but is more difficult to enforce displaying obsolete laws within the legal system. Furthermore, an order in comparison to an ADVO, is harder to obtain displaying the lack of accessibility for domestic violence victims. Court orders also consist of parenting orders which recognized the effects of family violence upon children. The Family Court is required to ensure that the orders made about the child’s future are in the best interest of the child, upholding Australia’s international obligation towards the Convention of the Rights of the Child. However, in fear of the negative response from the Family Court when applying for parenting orders, women maybe reluctant to raise issues of family violence. This highlights a great ineffectiveness of the law as 61% of abused women have a child in their care which demonstrates the laws inability to protect women and children who are victims of domestic violence. Thus, the law is highly ineffective in protecting domestic violence victims through the use of court orders.
Hence, the law is relatively effective through the implementation of ADVOs, ability to lay criminal charges and to seek family court orders. Yet, there aspects where the law does contain loopholes which can compromise the domestic violence victim’s safety thus reducing the laws effectiveness to achieve its desired purpose.




 :) :D :) :) :D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 27, 2017, 01:03:09 am
Quote from: kiiaaa on June 22, 2017, 10:17:38 pm
Hi

I was wondering if you could please provide me feedback on my first 25 makrer essay of family law?
I was also wondering if you could help me
-  in my last paragraph for cases and legislation
- how to write an introduction. ( i wrote my body paragraphs but i dont really know how to structure an introduction and conclusion)

Thank you so so so so much  :) :) :)

Hey! Sorry this took a while, hopefully this feedback helps! :)

Essay with Feedback
EVALUATE THE EFFECTIVENESS OF THE LAW IN ACHIEVING JUSTICE FOR PARTIES IN RELATIONSHIP BREAKDOWNS

The law has been significantly effective in achieving justice for the parties [KS1] of a marriage when their marriage breaks down as society changes and divorce has become more acceptable. Good start, having a little justification of the increased prevalence of divorce works well here. Sets up your judgement well. The removal of “fault” as the ground for divorce in the Family Law Act 1975, allowed for a more acrimonious approach to divorce in addition to divorce application to quicker and more cost and time efficient as well as meeting the societal values as well as achieving  just outcome for both parties in the marriage as it doesn’t tarnish the reputation of the other spouse when proving fault. This sentence definitely flows on a little long, I'd cut it in half to make sure the ideas are expressed properly. Online application have been introduced to to reflect the technological change society undergoes. Watch syntax, applicationS! However, nice point. Good to see you being specific with how you analyse effectiveness and responses to change. Despite the ease to apply for a divorce, the rate of divorces has gone down as in 2001 approximately 55000 divorces were granted in comparison to the 49000 divorces in 2011 according to ABS. Again, I think this could be expressed more effectively and more succinctly. Even just, According to the ABS, the rate of divorces reduced from 55,000 to 49,000 from 2001 to 2011. This shows how despite the law making divorce more accessible to it doesn’t compromise with the definition of marriage. Not quite sure if this last sentence is a valid flow on from your argument, the 'definition' of marriage isn't quite up for debate here. I get it, but not quite expressed properly, perhaps you could link the reduced divorce rates to the effectiveness of mediation and other measures intended to prevent the breakdown of a marriage?
 
When parties are involved in a relationship breakdown, the division of property is the most contentious issues. The law encourages parties to comply and co-operate with each other which does achieve justice for the separating parties. How effectively? Be sure to make a clear and obvious judgement in your response. The law encourages couples to mutually reach an agreements on the allocation of property through avenues such as Relationship centres which can then be made binding by applying to the family court if the court deems the division to be fair and equitable. Again, ensure ideas are expressed clearly: Add commas to break ideas into manageable chunks where necessary! Furthermore, the law encompasses for both married and de facto couples and for both circumstances allows the court to allocate property if the couple disputes. Good - Be specific that this shows effectiveness! Also, try and include the specific law that accomplishes this. Specific evidence is always better than sweeping statements. The courts take into account factors such as the financial and non-financial contribution of each party in addition to their financial commitments, income, if they have the care of anyone under 18 years of age, ability to maintain a reasonable standard of living and the contributions made to assets as depicted in C & M (2006) where the wife’s contribution were recognized in the division of property. I'd separate this into a setup sentence, then bring the case in with a second sentence. It's too much doing it all in one. Further, I don't think you need to list the considerations, I'd spend that space on analysing the case more specifically. The 2002 reforms to the Family Law Act has allowed to claim super that each spouse has accumulated. While this is beneficial for those spouses who don’t work, or are in less secured positions it reduces overall justice for spouse who’s superannuation is being divided. Interesting analysis! The law has undergone amendment to recognize Pre-nuptials as binding agreements in the Family Courts which preserve justice as for both individuals to have their properties protected in a mutual deal made rationally by both parties which can be challenged in court if the party deems it to be. Hence the law has been significantly effective in upholding justice for the parties of the relationship when dividing property once the relationship has broken down. A solid paragraph analytically, it does feel a bit like a big jumble of unrelated evidence though. Try and use linking words to move logically from one piece of evidence to the next.
 
The law is vastly effective when achieving justice for children when parents apply for the divorce as the best interest of the child are the primarily concern of the law. Watch expression, primarily should be 'primary,' and I'd choose a different word than 'vastly,' that's more a size/scope word rather than an evaluative word. Under part VII of the Family law Act 1975 (CTH) an application for divorce won't be approved  unless a parenting plan has been put in place. The Child Support Scheme has been implemented to ensure that children are financially secure. How effective is it? What law implemented it? These are the sorts of specifics I need. However, figures show that only half of payers fully meet their obligations.  Hence the 2006 amendment has allowed the payer’s wage to be garnished if they don’t comply and meet their financial obligation for the child. Is this effective in achieving justice for children? Keep linking back to your argument! Furthermore, the law in the 2011 amendment of the Family Law Act, has allowed children to maintain a meaningful relationship with both parents where the quality of time is valued rather than the quantity of the time in response to Rosa v Rosa where the mother had to leave in poor conditions for the child to maintain a relationship with the father. Too much in one sentence - Further, try and use the formal way of writing the legislation. However the impractical lifestyle she maintained wasn’t in the best interest of the child hence catalyzing law reform to remove the vagueness surrounding the law and ensuring CROC is upheld the best interests of the child is given more stance than the parental relationships. Not quite sure what you are arguing here - Keep it simple. I feel like you are trying to do too much too quickly. The law has reformed having extended to include ex-nuptial children thus being applicable to all children. Hence, the law effectively achieves justice for children when relationships breakdown as law’s primary concern is the best interest of the child.
 
Mediation and counselling has been incorporated in the law and is provided to couples aiming to ensure amicable decisions regarding separation are made.  Good/bad/ugly? Make your judgement at the start of your Thesis! The family Law Act has placed an emphasis on mediation and counselling as a primary dispute resolution, encouraging cooperation between couples as dispute resolution. It is compulsory for disputing couples to attend family counselling sessions unless there is danger to a spouse or an ADVO has been carried out. The law aims to resolve disputes without arbitration which in addition to being beneficial for society it also benefits the couple being cost efficient. Good, watch expression, something like ... "The law aims to resolve disputes without arbitration, with mediation/counselling proving more cost efficient than court proceedings." Mediation and counselling heavily relies on compliance and cooperation between couples and without so it can be ineffective. Furthermore, the law requires that couples with marriage sunder 2 years to attend compulsory counselling aiming to uphold the definition of marriage and provide resolutions to young couples. Be careful not to start just listing measures. Evaluate them - Are they effective? If so why? If not, why? Hence the law has been effective in encouraging mediation and counselling however its success relies on the cooperation between the parties when breaking down a relationship

Throughout your response, I think tidying up your expression will help a lot. A bit of unnecessary info, lots of ways to express answers more succinctly - At times I had to work quite hard to put your arguments together in my head. You don't want a HSC marker needing to do that work! ;D

Besides that, more evidence would be welcome. More obvious judgements would be welcome too. But fixing expression is something you should spend some time working on, to really make sure your ideas can be expressed properly! ;D

For your introduction, try this Legal Studies Thesis Guide! It goes through how to set up your argument correctly, as well as paragraph structure and such.

This HSC essay guide might also help ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: kiiaaa on June 28, 2017, 10:21:23 am
Quote from: Wales on June 23, 2017, 06:03:01 pm
I hope the feedback helped! I'm not a experienced marker ( student myself ) and thought I would lend a hand since the markers are rather busy.

I've attached the feedback in bold. Just read the quote and you should see it :)

I feel that a lot of your sentence structure isn't cohesive enough, ideas don't flow well from one to another. I think it's primarily because of your excessive use of conjunctions ( ____ hence it shows ___ and therefore ___ hence justice ). You have the right ideas but you need to judge both sides of reforms.

The conclusion should be a summation of your arguments and your judgement. Has it been effective? If so, for who and ineffective for who? For your introduction I would also include your judgement and provide a definition for family law/areas you're going to talk about. Just brief and nothing too long.

Goodluck! I'm glad to answer any questions you've got.

Regards, Wales


Quote from: jamonwindeyer on June 27, 2017, 01:03:09 am
Hey! Sorry this took a while, hopefully this feedback helps! :)

Essay with Feedback
EVALUATE THE EFFECTIVENESS OF THE LAW IN ACHIEVING JUSTICE FOR PARTIES IN RELATIONSHIP BREAKDOWNS

The law has been significantly effective in achieving justice for the parties [KS1] of a marriage when their marriage breaks down as society changes and divorce has become more acceptable. Good start, having a little justification of the increased prevalence of divorce works well here. Sets up your judgement well. The removal of “fault” as the ground for divorce in the Family Law Act 1975, allowed for a more acrimonious approach to divorce in addition to divorce application to quicker and more cost and time efficient as well as meeting the societal values as well as achieving  just outcome for both parties in the marriage as it doesn’t tarnish the reputation of the other spouse when proving fault. This sentence definitely flows on a little long, I'd cut it in half to make sure the ideas are expressed properly. Online application have been introduced to to reflect the technological change society undergoes. Watch syntax, applicationS! However, nice point. Good to see you being specific with how you analyse effectiveness and responses to change. Despite the ease to apply for a divorce, the rate of divorces has gone down as in 2001 approximately 55000 divorces were granted in comparison to the 49000 divorces in 2011 according to ABS. Again, I think this could be expressed more effectively and more succinctly. Even just, According to the ABS, the rate of divorces reduced from 55,000 to 49,000 from 2001 to 2011. This shows how despite the law making divorce more accessible to it doesn’t compromise with the definition of marriage. Not quite sure if this last sentence is a valid flow on from your argument, the 'definition' of marriage isn't quite up for debate here. I get it, but not quite expressed properly, perhaps you could link the reduced divorce rates to the effectiveness of mediation and other measures intended to prevent the breakdown of a marriage?
 
When parties are involved in a relationship breakdown, the division of property is the most contentious issues. The law encourages parties to comply and co-operate with each other which does achieve justice for the separating parties. How effectively? Be sure to make a clear and obvious judgement in your response. The law encourages couples to mutually reach an agreements on the allocation of property through avenues such as Relationship centres which can then be made binding by applying to the family court if the court deems the division to be fair and equitable. Again, ensure ideas are expressed clearly: Add commas to break ideas into manageable chunks where necessary! Furthermore, the law encompasses for both married and de facto couples and for both circumstances allows the court to allocate property if the couple disputes. Good - Be specific that this shows effectiveness! Also, try and include the specific law that accomplishes this. Specific evidence is always better than sweeping statements. The courts take into account factors such as the financial and non-financial contribution of each party in addition to their financial commitments, income, if they have the care of anyone under 18 years of age, ability to maintain a reasonable standard of living and the contributions made to assets as depicted in C & M (2006) where the wife’s contribution were recognized in the division of property. I'd separate this into a setup sentence, then bring the case in with a second sentence. It's too much doing it all in one. Further, I don't think you need to list the considerations, I'd spend that space on analysing the case more specifically. The 2002 reforms to the Family Law Act has allowed to claim super that each spouse has accumulated. While this is beneficial for those spouses who don’t work, or are in less secured positions it reduces overall justice for spouse who’s superannuation is being divided. Interesting analysis! The law has undergone amendment to recognize Pre-nuptials as binding agreements in the Family Courts which preserve justice as for both individuals to have their properties protected in a mutual deal made rationally by both parties which can be challenged in court if the party deems it to be. Hence the law has been significantly effective in upholding justice for the parties of the relationship when dividing property once the relationship has broken down. A solid paragraph analytically, it does feel a bit like a big jumble of unrelated evidence though. Try and use linking words to move logically from one piece of evidence to the next.
 
The law is vastly effective when achieving justice for children when parents apply for the divorce as the best interest of the child are the primarily concern of the law. Watch expression, primarily should be 'primary,' and I'd choose a different word than 'vastly,' that's more a size/scope word rather than an evaluative word. Under part VII of the Family law Act 1975 (CTH) an application for divorce won't be approved  unless a parenting plan has been put in place. The Child Support Scheme has been implemented to ensure that children are financially secure. How effective is it? What law implemented it? These are the sorts of specifics I need. However, figures show that only half of payers fully meet their obligations.  Hence the 2006 amendment has allowed the payer’s wage to be garnished if they don’t comply and meet their financial obligation for the child. Is this effective in achieving justice for children? Keep linking back to your argument! Furthermore, the law in the 2011 amendment of the Family Law Act, has allowed children to maintain a meaningful relationship with both parents where the quality of time is valued rather than the quantity of the time in response to Rosa v Rosa where the mother had to leave in poor conditions for the child to maintain a relationship with the father. Too much in one sentence - Further, try and use the formal way of writing the legislation. However the impractical lifestyle she maintained wasn’t in the best interest of the child hence catalyzing law reform to remove the vagueness surrounding the law and ensuring CROC is upheld the best interests of the child is given more stance than the parental relationships. Not quite sure what you are arguing here - Keep it simple. I feel like you are trying to do too much too quickly. The law has reformed having extended to include ex-nuptial children thus being applicable to all children. Hence, the law effectively achieves justice for children when relationships breakdown as law’s primary concern is the best interest of the child.
 
Mediation and counselling has been incorporated in the law and is provided to couples aiming to ensure amicable decisions regarding separation are made.  Good/bad/ugly? Make your judgement at the start of your Thesis! The family Law Act has placed an emphasis on mediation and counselling as a primary dispute resolution, encouraging cooperation between couples as dispute resolution. It is compulsory for disputing couples to attend family counselling sessions unless there is danger to a spouse or an ADVO has been carried out. The law aims to resolve disputes without arbitration which in addition to being beneficial for society it also benefits the couple being cost efficient. Good, watch expression, something like ... "The law aims to resolve disputes without arbitration, with mediation/counselling proving more cost efficient than court proceedings." Mediation and counselling heavily relies on compliance and cooperation between couples and without so it can be ineffective. Furthermore, the law requires that couples with marriage sunder 2 years to attend compulsory counselling aiming to uphold the definition of marriage and provide resolutions to young couples. Be careful not to start just listing measures. Evaluate them - Are they effective? If so why? If not, why? Hence the law has been effective in encouraging mediation and counselling however its success relies on the cooperation between the parties when breaking down a relationship

Throughout your response, I think tidying up your expression will help a lot. A bit of unnecessary info, lots of ways to express answers more succinctly - At times I had to work quite hard to put your arguments together in my head. You don't want a HSC marker needing to do that work! ;D

Besides that, more evidence would be welcome. More obvious judgements would be welcome too. But fixing expression is something you should spend some time working on, to really make sure your ideas can be expressed properly! ;D

For your introduction, try this Legal Studies Thesis Guide! It goes through how to set up your argument correctly, as well as paragraph structure and such.

This HSC essay guide might also help ;D


thank you soo much Wales and Jamon. Seriously you guys are legends! :) I was wondering if you would be able to give me a guide on about what band this essay would receive please? just so i know where i broadly lie

Thanks once again :))
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 28, 2017, 02:49:00 pm
Quote from: kiiaaa on June 28, 2017, 10:21:23 am

thank you soo much Wales and Jamon. Seriously you guys are legends! :) I was wondering if you would be able to give me a guide on about what band this essay would receive please? just so i know where i broadly lie

Thanks once again :))

You are welcome! Hmm, under exam conditions I'd probably put you in the low Band 5 range right now, but obviously take that with several large grains of salt ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 30, 2017, 11:55:29 pm
Quote from: mohanedibrahim1 on June 25, 2017, 06:12:26 pm
- Hi there this is my world order essay it is not finished yet a few more paragraphs but i just want know how it looks so far , and we had to pick one question out of three questions and I've picked ''Explain the impact of the media on world order" i would love some feedback thank you and this is due next term.

Hey! I've attached your essay with feedback in bold ;D

Spoiler
The effect of the media upon World order is a very highly complicated legal issue which justifies the law and the media is moderately effective in achieving justice between nation-states. Good start, sets up your judgement, not sure what you mean by 'justifies the law' though? Be sure your statements/arguments are clearly stated. Regards to this legal issue this definitely impacts the society in underpinning the media and the law representation between each issues that arise from world order. Watch expression - I'm getting the rough idea you are putting across but you want to make sure that the marker doesn't have to do to much work to decipher what you are presenting. The media has been an inclusively beneficial representation of the arising issues in world order, regarding the conflict Israel v Palestine the media’s role and judgement regards to this conflict has been bias and judgmental throughout their reports. Try and keep cohesive - Are you saying the media is beneficial? Biased? However, regarding discretion other independent media reports have been just and fair regarding this conflict. Furthermore, the civil conflict between North and south Sudan has arisen major legal issue regards to the media as being moderately ineffective with their published news reports regarding this civil conflict. Independent media reports has played a crucial role in regards to world order with it’s justified news reports concerning this civil conflict. Additionally, the vital issue of the war on terror conflict has raised world order issues.  Many media reports have acted problematic bias with their false criticism towards iraq with its false and misleading broadcast. To conclude, the media and the law’s impact towards world order has been beneficial allowing it to be moderately effective towards nation-states overall. This is a good introduction, it sets up the argument - However, it is a tad long. Try and trim it down to five, maybe six sentences at the most. Introduce the ideas, give one or two sentences evaluating the media's coverage of the world order issues, then conclude - You just need to streamline things a little.
 
The media characterization upon world order regarding the civil conflict between Israel and Palestine has raised crucial world order issues with its false Accusations throughout their published reports, however the media and the law have been useful towards this conflict as they are moderately effective of accomplishing justice between nation-states overall. How does the media help accomplish justice specifically? Is it about promoting the issue, or otherwise? World order issues have risen as the media have been bias towards Palestine with their ambiguous broadcast and reports. According to Accusations of bias in coverage of the israel-Palestine conflict publishing “Israeli security forces allege they were under attack before the killings, but no soldiers were hurt which undermines the veracity of the attack. Where does the quote end there, does it go to the end? Be sure to be clear when you
 include headings as to when they finish (finish off your quote marks). Furthermore, according to Three Palestine teenagers shot dead on west bank the youths were considered as a threat towards the israelites as they were presumed to have opened fire to the israelites soldiers, but no allegations of israelis soldiers being wounded or killed. Try not to just retell the article - What has the article done to impact on the scenario? What role has the media played here? This sophistically underpins the media's highly false reports towards the Palestine. Make a judgement - Is this effective or ineffective? Furthermore, the UN Charter treaty underlines that every nation should be equal and be cooperating peacefully, but Israel has incredibly violated the treaty as Un observers were denied, separation wall were built, and created illegal settlements were included. In addition, according to the Geneva Convention treaty that innocent civilians, and hospitals are not be attacked.Further, biological dangerous nuclear weapons are not to be used, but Israel has violated this treaty with its dangerous attack that wounded and killed 8 boys in total according to the article Israel strike four boys on Gaza beach as ‘’humanitarian ceasefire’ announced. Do these relate to the media? Be sure to stay on track with the question. These innocent civilians were playing by the fisherman's container and missiles were aimed straight at the container at Gaza beach with no prose threat towards the israelites at all, but were attacked by the israelis. However, the article 5 Palestinians killed while attacking israelis, as two Palestinians were fatally shot after they opened fire with automatic weapons on Israeli security forces, also as two Palestinians were throwing rocks at passing vehicles near the West Bank city allowing israelis soldiers killing them. Again, don't just retell the media articles. You need to analyse them - Are they effective/ineffective? Why? Further, another Palestinian gripping a knife ran at Israeli paramilitary border police officers, and an officer shot and killed him. In conclusion, the media and the law have been moderately effective regarding this conflict and nation-states overall.
 
Regarding the Media and the law’s representation in relation of the civil conflict between North and South Sudan has raised various world order distributions with regards with their publishes of reports and broadcasting with numerous of world order problems occurring, but the media and the law are not always unjust and bias with their reporting with the issues of world order and this civil conflict. This is a looong sentence, try to break your ideas into smaller chunks. Also, try to add some variety to how you start your paragraphs. Just repeating the same phrase again is a bit monotonous to the marker. Thus, the media and the law’s impact in regards of this civil conflict its has been moderately effective in achieving justice for all Nation-states. Good job on making an obvious judgement here. The media have taken action against North Sudan. According to the treaty international Criminal Court it is that no crimes against humanity, war crimes, torture, genocide is to be committed at all. However, the president of Sudan has committed five counts of crimes against humanity such as murder, and torture. Two counts of war crimes by intentionally directing attacks against a civilian population as such or against individual civilians by not taking part in hostilities. Further, as well three counts of genocide were committed as well by the cause of serious bodily and mental harm was applied upon civilians. Furthermore, more genocide was committed as deliberately inflicting on each target group, as dangerous rebels the janjaweed militia have committed these types of genocide according to the prosecutor v. Omar Hassan Ahmad Al Bashir. This information, while it would be useful in general, isn't strictly related to the media. Keep things on track! The treaty Geneva Convention states that torture, war crimes, and any act of genocide is forbidden, but it was violated by the sudanese president Omar Hassan Ahmad Al Bashir regarding the crimes that bashir committed the media and the law have been very weak in regards with their reporting and publishing which determines that the media have been limited effective as well the ICJ treaty regarding world order issues towards this conflict. Another really long sentence, break it up a little! However, the article Omar al-Bashir Case Shows International criminal court’s Limitations strikes at Mr. Bashir as given an arrest warrant, but the international criminal court is only powerful towards weak nations as it has failed to prosecute Mr. Bashir as it had no power to handcuff them and put them in the dock. The media has predominantly failed in raising awareness with this world order issue concerning this conflict, towards the society, and with its regards how the international court of justice has failed with their reports and publishing regarding this conflict. Good, this is what you need more of - Actually evaluating the media's response to the issue. To add more, according to UN approves new peacekeeping force to south sudan from the foreign media Al Jazeera as the United Nations Security Council has approved the deployment of an additional 4,000-strong peacekeeping force in South Sudan this peacekeeping is to act as a protection force regarding this civil conflict. To conclude, the media, other independent media, and the law publishes and reports have been moderately effective in achieving justice between nation-states.

Regarding the media and law representation upon the world on terror conflict, the media and law has explicitly raised various of world order issues regarding this tremendous conflict. Further, the media and the law have been ultimately highly bias regarding this conflict especially towards iraq as this has been the media’s and the law's biggest target and enemy. However, the media and the law have been moderately effective within this conflict overall. The media has extraordinary been unfair and bias with its highly misrepresentative propaganda publishing and reports regarding this conflict as it pronounced it weapons of mass destruction. According to the ‘Iraq war 'waged on false intelligence',as the media and the law have falsely broadcasted misleading Accusations towards iraq as it believed that within this conflict that iraq had dangerous ‘’biological weapons’’, nuclear bombs and weapons. As this is completely forbidden under the Geneva Convention as the use of biological, chemical and nuclear weapons is not to be used or taken into sort of account during a use of force conflict as it will violate the treaty. But however, regarding other independent media reports it has found no source of evidence of iraq using any highly toxic dangerous chemical or biological nuclear gas and weapons. According to the article ‘’Media's failure on Iraq still stings’’, as well 100,000 Iraqi civilians have been killed, and not a single of biological of weapons were found.

Main Comments:

- Watch expression. You don't need to be an incredible writer to argue a point well in Legal, but your sentences do need to flow logically and express your ideas clearly. I was doing a lot of work to interpret your evidence and perspectives. Get a friend to help you read the essay out and tidy up the word choice and syntax!
- Good job making an obvious judgement in places, but you need to do a little more to back that up. A lot of your analysis/evidence wasn't strictly to do with the media, but to other responses. This isn't relevant for this question!
- Trim down your introduction, if for no other reason than to make your life easier :)

Let me know if you need anything clarified, I hope this help! ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 01, 2017, 12:41:48 am
Quote from: kiiaaa on June 26, 2017, 10:58:48 pm
Hello hello helloo

I have written an essay on family law and was wondering if you could please mark it for me and provide me feedback please? I was also wondering if you could provide me an indication at the end around what mark it would receive in an exam and if there are any areas i really need to address and improve

thank you very much! :)

Hello hello helloooo ;D happy to! Essay is attached with feedback in bold:

Spoiler
Evaluate the effectiveness of the law in protecting victims of domestic violence


Domestic Violence is violence within long intimate relationships and is considered a crime under s11 of the Crimes (Domestic and personal Violence) Act 2007 (NSW). Good start, but generally you don't need to define terms in this way for Legal! Your markers know what it is. Definitely not bad, but perhaps less useful than starting with your judgement. The law has recognized domestic violence as an issue within itself and hence made legislative changes in address the issue due the alarming increase in cases relating domestic violence. The introduction of Apprehended Domestic Violence Orders branching from Apprehended Violence orders, in addition to criminal charges and family court orders display the legal systems attempt to better protect victims of domestic violence through various mechanisms. The law’s moderate effectiveness is demonstrated through the mechanisms having numerous shortfalls which fail to protect the victim thus not achieving the law’s initial purpose. Overall a solid introduction, but the judgement doesn't come in until right at the end - I think it would work better introducing it a little earlier and delving in a little deep!

The law is partially effective in protecting domestic violence victims by introducing Apprehended Domestic Violence orders(ADVO), stemming from Apprehended Violence Orders (AVO) carrying the purpose to protect the victim from assault, intimidation or abuse of any sort. A little expression/tense issue there I think? Good start though, makes judgement obvious immediately. Under the Crimes (Domestic Violence) Amendment Act 1982 (NSW) the victim is required to prove on the balance of probabilities that on reasonable grounds they fear for their for personal violence, intimidation or assault placing the onus upon the victim which can act as a barrier in proving domestic violence. Police can issue interim ADVO’s over the phone from a magistrate if they are satisfied the person seeking the order is at risk of harm thus allowing easy accessibility for victims displaying the law’s effectiveness in protecting victims . Good! Included an evaluation with the content - This is exactly what you need to do. However as intensive policing isn’t available, ADVO’s rely on the victims to report any breaches thus is heavily reliant on the defendant to comply with the order. Relate this specifically to ineffectiveness - Be super obvious with your judgements. Offenders that are found breeching their ADVO’s can find their bail application being denied under the s9A of the Bail Act to prevent the offender from causing further harm to the victim, a reform coming through the murder of Andrea Patrick who was murdered after her spouse was out on bail after being issued an ADVO. Be careful you don't start regurgitating cases and knowledge - Make judgements everywhere. Did this change to the Bail Act see an improvement? Make it worse? According to the 2015 BOSCAR report, 98% of women who experienced domestic violence no longer did after issuing an ADVO which displays state law’s effectiveness in protecting domestic violence. Effectiveness of ADVO's specifically I'd say - Excellent statistic. However, the ineffectiveness of the law is demonstrated as ADVO’s are a state government issue therefore if the perpetrator leaves the state the order won't be applicable. The federal government in response is in the process of introducing a national ADVO system  where “ if women and children receive a court order to protect them in one state it should protect them in all states” Tony Abbot (National Domestic Violence Orders would leave perpetrators nowhere to hide)(ABC) 2014. Excellent argument, and a great quote. While the law has many strategies emplaced to protect victims, it contains numerous loopholes which compromise with the laws effectiveness in protecting victims. Overall, an effective paragraph. Good evidence, I'd like you to link more specifically to your judgements, and delve into the 'loopholes' a little more if you can.

The law is moderately effective in protecting victims of domestic violence through criminal charges having police apply for an ADVO on the victim’s behalf if an offence is committed and recorded as a domestic violence offence. Another ADVO paragraph, I feel like this blends too similarly to the previous? Governed by the Crimes (domestic and Personal Violence) Act 2007 (NSW), the strengths of a criminal charge lie that the victim if does face domestic violence and is unwilling to report as are many cases, the police can intervene and take action to protect the victim from further harm and not label domestic violence as a personal issue. Not 100% sure what you mean here. Having the law broaden the definition of domestic violence, it incorporates numerous offences such as placing financial constraints or emotional abuse hence allowing victims to be easily protected under the law. Good.However, the short falls within the law are demonstrated as criminal charges have a high standard of proof being ‘beyond reasonable doubt.’ While this ensures justice to society that only the perpetrator receives charge, the high standard can make it difficult for the victim to prove than an ADVO. Watch for expression issues. Furthermore, the severe outcome of having a criminal conviction can deter police and victims to pursue the charges. Therefore, criminal charges adequately protect the domestic violence victims, however, the law does contain aspects where shortfalls lie. Definitely not as solid as your previous paragraph, and again feel that you've argued the positives more effectively than the negatives (the balance is better in this paragraph than last).

Family court orders as an element of the law have limited effectiveness in protecting domestic violence victims. Great start. Clear and to the point. Under the Family Law Act 1975, a victim can seek for orders similar to an ADVO as an injunction or parenting orders. The court orders acknowledge violence to be part of a larger family problem and subsequently can order an injunction which can prevent or make an individual to do something. Watch for regurgitating content, the markers know this already! You've not evaluated, just stated. The law’s weakness however lies in that it operates the same as an AVO but is more difficult to enforce displaying obsolete laws within the legal system. Be specific, what do you mean by 'the law' here, still the orders? Furthermore, an order in comparison to an ADVO, is harder to obtain displaying the lack of accessibility for domestic violence victims. Good. Court orders also consist of parenting orders which recognized the effects of family violence upon children. The Family Court is required to ensure that the orders made about the child’s future are in the best interest of the child, upholding Australia’s international obligation towards the Convention of the Rights of the Child. Does it do this effectively? Ineffectively? Make the judgement! However, in fear of the negative response from the Family Court when applying for parenting orders, women maybe reluctant to raise issues of family violence. This highlights a great ineffectiveness of the law as 61% of abused women have a child in their care which demonstrates the laws inability to protect women and children who are victims of domestic violence. Thus, the law is highly ineffective in protecting domestic violence victims through the use of court orders.

Hence, the law is relatively effective through the implementation of ADVOs, ability to lay criminal charges and to seek family court orders. Yet, there aspects where the law does contain loopholes which can compromise the domestic violence victim’s safety thus reducing the laws effectiveness to achieve its desired purpose.

Comments:
- Excellent variety of evidence, like that you've found statistics, used treaties and included quotes from media articles. You've done your research. Excellent work.
- Judgement is established and concluded clearly, and in most parts of your essay is linked to the evidence reasonably well. Still room for improvement here - Ensure every piece of evidence is used to say whether the ADVO/Family Court/criminal charge, etc, is effective or ineffective. If you don't it is a useless bit of info!
- Watch for small sections where you regurgitate content - That is a waste of space :)
- Since you have a balanced judgement, I'd like some more evidence for ineffectiveness, if you can find it!

I think you are sitting in the high Band 5 range right now - To elevate to Band 6, just improving your links to argument (and smaller changes I've detailed in the comments throughout) should get you there! Very, very close - This is an excellent response kiiaaa, great work ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: mohanedibrahim1 on July 05, 2017, 06:29:30 pm
Spoiler
The effect of the media upon World order is a very highly complicated legal issue which justifies the law and the media is moderately effective in achieving justice between nation-states. Regards to this legal issue this definitely impacts the society in underpinning the media and the law representation between each issues that arise from world order. The media regarding the conflict Israel v Palestine the media’s role and judgement regards to this conflict has been bias and judgmental throughout their reports. However, regarding discretion other independent media reports have been just and fair regarding this conflict. Furthermore, the civil conflict between North and south Sudan has arisen major legal issue.The media has been moderately ineffective with their published news reports regarding this civil conflict. Independent media reports has also played a crucial role in regards to world order with it’s justified news reports concerning this civil conflict. Additionally, the vital issue of the war on terror conflict has raised world order issues. Many media reports have acted problematic bias with their false criticism towards iraq with its false and misleading broadcast. To conclude, the media and the law’s impact towards world order has been beneficial allowing it to be moderately effective towards nation-states overall.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The media characterization upon world order regarding the civil conflict between Israel and Palestine has raised crucial world order issues with its false Accusations throughout their published reports, however the media and the law have been useful towards this conflict as they are moderately effective of raising issues of world order. World order issues have risen as the media have been bias towards Palestine with their ambiguous broadcast and reports. According to Accusations of bias in coverage of the israel-Palestine conflict publishing “Israeli security forces allege they were under attack before the killings, but no soldiers were hurt which undermines the veracity of the attack’’. Furthermore, according to Three Palestine teenagers shot dead on west bank the youths were considered as a threat towards the israelites as they were presumed to have opened fire to the israelites soldiers, but no allegations of israelis soldiers being wounded or killed. Within this news article it has overturned the media’s coverage which impacts the society of underpinning the media’s role of failure of raising issues about world order. This sophistically underpins the media's highly false reports towards Palestine which determines the media is moderately ineffective. Furthermore, according to the article israel strike four boys on Gaza beach as ‘’humanitarian ceasefire announced’’. These innocent civilians were playing by the fisherman's container and missiles were aimed straight at the container at Gaza beach with no prose threat towards the israelites at all, but were attacked by the israelis. This news article determines that the media has been beneficial throughout their reporting which makes the media’s awareness moderately effective. In addition, according to the Geneva Convention treaty states that innocent civilians, and hospitals are not be attacked. Further, biological dangerous nuclear weapons are not to be used, but israel has violated this treaty with its dangerous attack that wounded and killed 8 boys in total according to the article the UN Charter treaty underlines that every nation should be equal and be cooperating peacefully. Israel has incredibly violated this treaty as Un observers were denied, separation wall were built, and created illegal settlements were included. The media’s raise of awareness within these two treaties underlines it has been useful through their awareness which states it has been effective. However, the article 5 Palestinians killed while attacking israelis, as two Palestinians were fatally shot after they opened fire with automatic weapons on Israeli security forces, also as two Palestinians were throwing rocks at passing vehicles near the West Bank city allowing israelis soldiers killing them. The media regarding this news report has exposed truth with their publishing which makes the media effective. Further, another Palestinian gripping a knife ran at Israeli paramilitary border police officers, and an officer shot and killed him. In conclusion, the media and the law have been moderately effective regarding this conflict and nation-states overall.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Regarding the Media and the law’s representation in relation of the civil conflict between North and South Sudan has raised various world order distributions with regards with their publishes of reports and broadcasting with numerous of world order problems occurring. However, the media and the law are not always unjust and bias with their reporting with the issues of world order and this civil conflict. Thus, the media and the law’s impact in regards of this civil conflict its has been moderately effective in achieving justice for all Nation-states. According to the article prosecutor v. Omar Hassan Ahmad Al Bashir genocide was committed as deliberately inflicting on each target group, as dangerous rebels the janjaweed militia have committed these types of genocide. The media’s role and awareness of this world order issue has evidently exposed the truth about this conflict which makes the media effective with their awareness regarding this news article. Further, according to the treaty international Criminal Court underlines that no crimes against humanity, war crimes, torture, genocide is to be committed at all. The media upbringing of awareness regarding this treaty has played a gainful role with its broadcasting about this conflict which indicates the media has been moderately effective.  However, the president of Sudan has committed five counts of crimes against humanity such as murder, and torture. Two counts of war crimes by intentionally directing attacks against a civilian population as such or against individual civilians by not taking part in hostilities. Further, as well three counts of genocide were committed as well by the cause of serious bodily and mental harm was applied upon civilians. This underlines that the media’s role within this has progandard the truth with their awareness and this justifies the media has been effective. Furthermore, the treaty Geneva Convention states that torture, war crimes, and any act of genocide is forbidden, but it was violated by the sudanese president Omar Hassan Ahmad Al Bashir regarding the crimes that bashir committed. The media role in raising the issues of this world order issue has been very weak in regards with their reporting and publishing which determines that the media have been limited effective. However, the article Omar al-Bashir Case Shows International criminal court’s Limitations strikes at Mr. Bashir as given an arrest warrant, but the international criminal court is only powerful towards weak nations as it has failed to prosecute Mr. Bashir as it had no power to handcuff them and put them in the dock. The media has predominantly failed in raising awareness with this world order issue concerning this conflict, towards the society, and with its regards how the international court of justice has failed with their reports and publishing regarding this conflict.  To add more, according to UN approves new peacekeeping force to south sudan from the foreign media Al Jazeera as the United Nations Security Council has approved the deployment of an additional 4,000-strong peacekeeping force in South Sudan this peacekeeping is to act as a protection force regarding this civil conflict. Regarding this media article the media has been effective with their awareness concerning this conflict. To conclude, the media, other independent media, and the law publishes and reports have been moderately effective in achieving justice between nation-states.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Regarding the media and law representation upon the world on terror conflict, the media and law has explicitly raised various of world order issues regarding this tremendous conflict. Further, the media and the law have been ultimately highly bias regarding this conflict especially towards iraq as this has been the media’s and the law's biggest target and enemy. However, the media and the law are moderately effective within this conflict overall. The media has extraordinary been unfair and bias with its highly misrepresentative propaganda publishing and reports regarding this conflict as it pronounced it weapons of mass destruction which indicates that iraq is the number one enemy. This highly demonstrates that the media’s awareness of this world order issue has failed which underlines the media is moderately ineffective. However,  According to the ‘Iraq war 'waged on false intelligence', the media and the law have falsely broadcasted misleading Accusations towards iraq as it believed that within this conflict that iraq had dangerous ‘’biological weapons’’, nuclear bombs and weapons.The media’s role within that news article has failed with their reporting which justifies the media is moderately ineffective towards this world order issue. However, this is completely forbidden under the Geneva Convention as the use of biological, chemical and nuclear weapons is not to be used or taken into sort of account during a use of force conflict as it will violate the treaty but iraq has not used any sort of dangerous weapons. But however, regarding other independent media reports it has found no source of evidence of iraq using any highly toxic dangerous chemical or biological nuclear gas or weapons. According to the article ‘’Media's failure on Iraq still stings’’, as well 100,000 Iraqi civilians have been killed, and not a single of biological of weapons were found. The independent media raise of awareness has revealed the truth regarding this conflict which underlines the independent media is effective with their broadcasting. Furthermore, regarding the traditional media, other independent media and the law their reporting and the publishing within this conflict has been moderately effective. Further, this conflict has resulted on various loss of life, and resource efficiently. According to the Cost of war report 2013, the cost of this conflict has resulted in ‘’1.3 million dollars’’, and raised up to 2.2 million dollars. The use of resource efficiently has been used in a very poor manner. The media’s representation according to the report has raised awareness of the amount of money that has been used within this conflict which concludes the media is moderately effective with this world order issue. Further, the loss of lives has also raised many world order issues and has severely impacted the society as ‘’189,000 iraqis killed, or possibly doubled estimates of 500,000 to 1 million from medical and food shortages’’ As well medical issues have resulted in many lives have been impacted with post-traumatic stress disorder, 70% needed mental health services, and sexually assaulted american troops. The media has exposed the truth with the amount of lifes that have been lost through with their awareness which evidently shows the media is effective concerning this conflict. To add more, this has also impacted doctors causing them to flee. The media and law have been effective within this circumstances. Furthermore, the Geneva Convention treaty was violated by the ‘’US military’’, as it has breached the ‘’international law’’ war crimes, as well us household powers with regular criminals, poor hygiene + nutrition + overcrowding. Further, torture and abuse has been impacted upon civilians. This is evident that the media and law have been moderately effective with their publishing and reports regarding this conflict. Furthermore, the media and law have been beneficial and just in regards with this conflict. According to the Fallujah documentary 1, it has resulted that the USA uses chemical weapons ( white phosphorus), which caused severe burns, deformities in children, and babies. The us has targeted civilians, the bombing of mosques, civilian buildings were destroyed, innocent people and children were killed as well. This is clearly a violation of the geneva Conventions. Therefore the media and the law have been extremely beneficial regarding this conflict as it has exposed the truth and facts regarding this conflict. This overall explains the media and the law within this conflict has been moderately effective with this world order issue.
 
 
 
The media and the law’s representation regarding the Rwanda conflict its role with broadcasting and reporting it has been moderately effective within this world order issue. The media and the law within this world order issue has played in a crucial role as it has been moderately effective regarding this conflict that raised world order issue. Within this conflict the media and law has been unfair and unjust with their reporting and broadcasting. According to the media article ‘’An invisible genocide how the western media failed to report the 1994 Rwandan genocide of the Tutsi’, regarding the media reporting and publishing it has failed as It the genocide was mischaracterized as a ‘tribal war’ and the example of this is that the hutu ethnic group were hunting down the tutsis. Further, this conflict was an act of spontaneous violence and primordial hatred, as well the media did not take this conflict that is a major world order issue into account towards the whole society. Furthermore, this conflict was marked as one of the worst genocide in history as it resulted in 800,000 people were killed in the genocide and they were the Tutsis this ethnic group was murdered by the Hutu ethics according to the ‘’Examining the media’s role in the Rwandan genocide’’. However, the causing of this genocide was sparked by the french army as the Hutu were trained by the french army in order of committing this genocide. To add more, the western media awareness and the law’s role with regards with this conflict was really lacked out throughout their broadcasting and reports as it has failed to report the crisis and truth regarding this conflict with its false highly propaganda. However, the media’s awareness and the law’s reporting is not always bias and unfair as other independent media have exposed the truth throughout their reports about this tribal conflict according to the Journalists jailed for inciting Rwandan genocide, the independent media have pointed out the truth about this conflict on how ‘’it was seen and marked as one of the most worst genocide in history to ever be committed’’, as brave journalist went out and reported the truth and reality about this genocide. This act of inhuman work completely violates the Geneva Convention treaty, as genocide is not to be taken into account at all. Additionally, the United Nations have also played an ineffective role with this conflict as it failed to prevent this genocide by ‘’failing to provide sufficient peacekeepers force to the region’’ according to the ‘’UN pilloried for failure over Rwanda genocide’’. The independent media have played a beneficial role by exposing the truth about this conflict and the united nations. This extremely demonstrates by the lack of failure by the traditional media’s reports and awareness, but however how other independent media broadcasters have played a crucial role in exposing the truth regarding this conflict and the world order issues that it raised. To conclude, the media and law overall is moderately effective in broadcasting and reporting this conflict and the world order issues.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Within the Bosnian conflict that broke out between the Serbs and Croats the media and the law through their broadcasting has been moderately effective in achieving justice of this world order issue and nation-states. Regarding this conflict the media’s raise of propaganda within this world order issue has been bias with ethnically misrepresentation as the serbian media falsely propagated about this world order issue. According to the Serbian media ‘’Ethnically Biased’ on war crimes’’, This media’s raise of awareness has failed as reporting that the serbians were the main victims of this genocide, as well promoting nationalist ideas which this world order issue this clearly underlines the media’s use of ethnic criticism with this world order issue which the media has been ineffective with this media report has been ineffective with their awareness. However, according to the Bosnia-Herzegovina regarding the media’s role in regards with this world order this independent media has overturned the issues with regards with this conflict by raising and awareness and their propaganda through their reporting and publishing has been beneficial regarding this world order issue. As the The Serbs targeted Bosniak and Croatian civilians in areas under their control, in what has become known as "ethnic cleansing." further,  an estimated 100,000 people were killed, 80% of whom were Bosniaks, as well as Bosnian Serb forces killed as many as 8,000 Bosniak men and boys from the town of Srebrenica. This clearly evidently demonstrates that this independent media’s raise of propaganda has exposed the truth regarding this conflict that caused world order issues, this underlines that this media is moderately effective of achieving justice between nation-states. Furthermore, according to the article Propaganda in the Bosnian and Rwandan Genocides this media representation and role has disclosed the truth that is evident upon this conflict which this clearly outlines this media article is effective as well by broadcasting ‘’Bosnian Serb forces have created a Bosnian serbian army which They quickly took over most of Bosnia and imposed harsh living conditions upon the Bosnian Muslims and Croats, including mass murders and rapes, beatings, curfews, other dehumanizing laws, and war crimes. Further, the media has played a crucial role by raising the awareness of the NATO treaty according to the Peace support operations in Bosnia and Herzegovina, the media has been inclusively beneficial with their publishes as well with broadcasting to the society that NATO-led Implementation Forces which Stabilisation Force SFOR helped to maintain a secure environment and facilitate the country’s reconstruction and NATO implemented the military aspects of the Dayton Peace Agreement, which marked the end of the this conflict. Further, within this media report it has raised flexible awareness regarding this conflict which raised one of the most highly world order issues. Further, the NATO treaty has been effective within this conflict upon disputing and solving world order issues. Therefore, this establishes that this media report has been effective on reporting about world order issues. Thus, the media and the law with regards with their reporting and representation regarding the Bosnian war has been overall moderately effective with their publishes and broadcasting overall.


Hi there this is my completed body paragraphs on my world order essay but i have not completed my conclusion, and my question is- explain the impact of the media on world order i would love some feedback thank.
 
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 05, 2017, 07:35:47 pm
Quote from: mohanedibrahim1 on July 05, 2017, 06:29:30 pm
Hi there this is my completed body paragraphs on my world order essay but i have not completed my conclusion, and my question is- explain the impact of the media on world order i would love some feedback thank.

Hey! You'll need 30 posts to get feedback on this essay again - On a quick skim though, it still looks like you are having issues expressing your ideas clearly. Keep working on that, one suggestion would be to read it aloud to friends and have them indicate when it doesn't sound right to the ear! :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: kiiaaa on July 05, 2017, 09:10:26 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on July 01, 2017, 12:41:48 am
Hello hello helloooo ;D happy to! Essay is attached with feedback in bold:

Spoiler
Evaluate the effectiveness of the law in protecting victims of domestic violence


Domestic Violence is violence within long intimate relationships and is considered a crime under s11 of the Crimes (Domestic and personal Violence) Act 2007 (NSW). Good start, but generally you don't need to define terms in this way for Legal! Your markers know what it is. Definitely not bad, but perhaps less useful than starting with your judgement. The law has recognized domestic violence as an issue within itself and hence made legislative changes in address the issue due the alarming increase in cases relating domestic violence. The introduction of Apprehended Domestic Violence Orders branching from Apprehended Violence orders, in addition to criminal charges and family court orders display the legal systems attempt to better protect victims of domestic violence through various mechanisms. The law’s moderate effectiveness is demonstrated through the mechanisms having numerous shortfalls which fail to protect the victim thus not achieving the law’s initial purpose. Overall a solid introduction, but the judgement doesn't come in until right at the end - I think it would work better introducing it a little earlier and delving in a little deep!

The law is partially effective in protecting domestic violence victims by introducing Apprehended Domestic Violence orders(ADVO), stemming from Apprehended Violence Orders (AVO) carrying the purpose to protect the victim from assault, intimidation or abuse of any sort. A little expression/tense issue there I think? Good start though, makes judgement obvious immediately. Under the Crimes (Domestic Violence) Amendment Act 1982 (NSW) the victim is required to prove on the balance of probabilities that on reasonable grounds they fear for their for personal violence, intimidation or assault placing the onus upon the victim which can act as a barrier in proving domestic violence. Police can issue interim ADVO’s over the phone from a magistrate if they are satisfied the person seeking the order is at risk of harm thus allowing easy accessibility for victims displaying the law’s effectiveness in protecting victims . Good! Included an evaluation with the content - This is exactly what you need to do. However as intensive policing isn’t available, ADVO’s rely on the victims to report any breaches thus is heavily reliant on the defendant to comply with the order. Relate this specifically to ineffectiveness - Be super obvious with your judgements. Offenders that are found breeching their ADVO’s can find their bail application being denied under the s9A of the Bail Act to prevent the offender from causing further harm to the victim, a reform coming through the murder of Andrea Patrick who was murdered after her spouse was out on bail after being issued an ADVO. Be careful you don't start regurgitating cases and knowledge - Make judgements everywhere. Did this change to the Bail Act see an improvement? Make it worse? According to the 2015 BOSCAR report, 98% of women who experienced domestic violence no longer did after issuing an ADVO which displays state law’s effectiveness in protecting domestic violence. Effectiveness of ADVO's specifically I'd say - Excellent statistic. However, the ineffectiveness of the law is demonstrated as ADVO’s are a state government issue therefore if the perpetrator leaves the state the order won't be applicable. The federal government in response is in the process of introducing a national ADVO system  where “ if women and children receive a court order to protect them in one state it should protect them in all states” Tony Abbot (National Domestic Violence Orders would leave perpetrators nowhere to hide)(ABC) 2014. Excellent argument, and a great quote. While the law has many strategies emplaced to protect victims, it contains numerous loopholes which compromise with the laws effectiveness in protecting victims. Overall, an effective paragraph. Good evidence, I'd like you to link more specifically to your judgements, and delve into the 'loopholes' a little more if you can.

The law is moderately effective in protecting victims of domestic violence through criminal charges having police apply for an ADVO on the victim’s behalf if an offence is committed and recorded as a domestic violence offence. Another ADVO paragraph, I feel like this blends too similarly to the previous? Governed by the Crimes (domestic and Personal Violence) Act 2007 (NSW), the strengths of a criminal charge lie that the victim if does face domestic violence and is unwilling to report as are many cases, the police can intervene and take action to protect the victim from further harm and not label domestic violence as a personal issue. Not 100% sure what you mean here. Having the law broaden the definition of domestic violence, it incorporates numerous offences such as placing financial constraints or emotional abuse hence allowing victims to be easily protected under the law. Good.However, the short falls within the law are demonstrated as criminal charges have a high standard of proof being ‘beyond reasonable doubt.’ While this ensures justice to society that only the perpetrator receives charge, the high standard can make it difficult for the victim to prove than an ADVO. Watch for expression issues. Furthermore, the severe outcome of having a criminal conviction can deter police and victims to pursue the charges. Therefore, criminal charges adequately protect the domestic violence victims, however, the law does contain aspects where shortfalls lie. Definitely not as solid as your previous paragraph, and again feel that you've argued the positives more effectively than the negatives (the balance is better in this paragraph than last).

Family court orders as an element of the law have limited effectiveness in protecting domestic violence victims. Great start. Clear and to the point. Under the Family Law Act 1975, a victim can seek for orders similar to an ADVO as an injunction or parenting orders. The court orders acknowledge violence to be part of a larger family problem and subsequently can order an injunction which can prevent or make an individual to do something. Watch for regurgitating content, the markers know this already! You've not evaluated, just stated. The law’s weakness however lies in that it operates the same as an AVO but is more difficult to enforce displaying obsolete laws within the legal system. Be specific, what do you mean by 'the law' here, still the orders? Furthermore, an order in comparison to an ADVO, is harder to obtain displaying the lack of accessibility for domestic violence victims. Good. Court orders also consist of parenting orders which recognized the effects of family violence upon children. The Family Court is required to ensure that the orders made about the child’s future are in the best interest of the child, upholding Australia’s international obligation towards the Convention of the Rights of the Child. Does it do this effectively? Ineffectively? Make the judgement! However, in fear of the negative response from the Family Court when applying for parenting orders, women maybe reluctant to raise issues of family violence. This highlights a great ineffectiveness of the law as 61% of abused women have a child in their care which demonstrates the laws inability to protect women and children who are victims of domestic violence. Thus, the law is highly ineffective in protecting domestic violence victims through the use of court orders.

Hence, the law is relatively effective through the implementation of ADVOs, ability to lay criminal charges and to seek family court orders. Yet, there aspects where the law does contain loopholes which can compromise the domestic violence victim’s safety thus reducing the laws effectiveness to achieve its desired purpose.

Comments:
- Excellent variety of evidence, like that you've found statistics, used treaties and included quotes from media articles. You've done your research. Excellent work.
- Judgement is established and concluded clearly, and in most parts of your essay is linked to the evidence reasonably well. Still room for improvement here - Ensure every piece of evidence is used to say whether the ADVO/Family Court/criminal charge, etc, is effective or ineffective. If you don't it is a useless bit of info!
- Watch for small sections where you regurgitate content - That is a waste of space :)
- Since you have a balanced judgement, I'd like some more evidence for ineffectiveness, if you can find it!

I think you are sitting in the high Band 5 range right now - To elevate to Band 6, just improving your links to argument (and smaller changes I've detailed in the comments throughout) should get you there! Very, very close - This is an excellent response kiiaaa, great work ;D

Thanks sooo much Jamon! really appreciate it :)))))
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: claudiarosaliaa on July 06, 2017, 09:20:04 pm
Hey, I was wondering if you could please have a read through these two essays that I've been give as practice for my trial exam. They are written around the same ideas, I've just manipulate the argument to best suit the question. My biggest concern is that I am not discussing points relevant to the question at hand and my teacher refuses to give me any feedback. I am also concerned as to whether there is enough supporting evidence. Thank you :)

1. DISCUSS THE EXTENT TO WHICH THE LAW REFLECTS MORAL AND ETHICAL STANDARDS IN THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM
Spoiler
Ensuring the law is reflective of current moral and ethical standards is paramount in criminal justice system. Whilst increasing communal emphasis has been placed upon the achievement of natural justice, in line with values of equity, increasing powers have been granted to law enforcement bodies in relation to move on orders, charge negotiation and DNA evidence, highlight the inherent difficulties in upholding both societal standards and safety.

Driven by ideological intentions, the Law Enforcement (Powers and Responsibilities) Act NSW (2002) (LEPRA) has expanded police powers in the name of “public safety”, an attempt at upholding communal standards surrounding the prevention of criminal activity. However, by granting police the power to employ move on orders, the state have imposed serious constraints upon the individual's use of public spaces, unlawfully compromising one’s freedom to roam, and in turn breaching both essential international obligations under the Article 13 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights 1948 (UDHR) and universal equity ethics. In fact, with no offer for judicial review, essential safeguards have been removed and the most vulnerable members of society are being moved at a largely disproportionate rate in comparison to other community members [‘New Drunk, Disorderly Police Powers Penalise the Most Vulnerable’ (SMH: 23/9/14)]. Moreover, whilst introduced as a deterrent mechanism, the individual’s democratic right to protest peacefully is now dependent upon police discretion. Serious human rights abuses and  infringements by police are going unchallenged, diminishing moral justice standards, as evident during the Occupy Protests 2011, which brought otherwise law-abiding individuals into negative contact with the law. Influenced by the Commonwealth's radical anti-terrorism legislation, it is evident whilst introduced to maintain community safety, move on orders pre-emptively criminalise individuals without any proof of guilt, a feature of the criminal justice system that is clearly not in balance with current moral and ethical standards held by society.

With growing community recognition regarding the dangerously rapid evolving nature of forensic technology, a large amount of communal emphasis has been placed on government proactivity in relation to DNA evidence. Outlining the standards of DNA collection, the Crimes Amendment (Forensic Procedures) Act 2001 (CA) was passed to ensure forensic evidence is ethically obtained and free from interference, in line with social expectations. However, although DNA has a powerful influence in achieving justice for both victims and the community, a naivety regarding its impact upon the accused rights has increased. By placing significant amounts of trust in DNA evidence, an over reliance upon its evidential accuracy has occurred, leading to serious miscarriages of justice, as seen in R v Jama (2008). With the absence of any other evidence despite DNA, the prosecution benefited from what has been dubbed as the ‘CSI effect’, with misinformed jurors placing immense amounts of weight upon forensic evidence. In fact, an SMH article titled “Wrongfully Accused” shed light upon the unethical nature of the criminal justice system as a whole, stating the trial judge, constrained by the rules of evidence, advised the jury “not to speculate” over the lack of sufficient evidence. The case of R v Jama was of paramount significance, sparking public controversy in relation to the immoral and unethical nature of the criminal trial process. In response, the nation's Attorney-general’s office implemented measures ensuring the ‘CSI effect’ no longer compromises the integrity and fairness of future criminal proceeding, both raising national DNA examination standards and addressing the potential for expert forensic evidence to be unjustly misunderstood. It is evident that whilst the Commonwealth have taken notable strides towards ensuring communal ethical standards are being met, DNA evidence is often presented unfairly, and thus is use is not in line with moral standards of justice.

Defined by the Crimes (Sentencing Procedure) Act 1999 as an agreement between the Director of Public Prosecutions (DPP) and an offender with respect to a guilty plea, charge negotiation has proven to have substantial communal benefits, reducing both the expenditure of resources in the criminal justice system and the lengthy nature of court proceedings. Highlighted by the Samuels Report into Charge Negotiation, guilty pleas serve as an effective means in minimising burden of criminal trials on taxpayers, saving $15 million each year since 2002, reflective of community attitudes regarding the use of public money. It can also be said that charge negotiation saves victims and witnesses from testifying, in line with growing moral recognition of the detrimental effects the adversarial system posses towards traumatised parties involved in serious crimes. However, an SMH articled titled ‘Victims Ignored in Plea Deals’ (2009) claimed many victims often feel cheated by the system of charge negotiation as a result of large amounts of weight placed on resources efficiency by the judiciary as opposed adequate attainment of justice, a utter disregard of communities values. Furthermore, whilst ‘benefiting’ offenders, the DPP often use the promise of a reduced maximum penalty as a bargaining tool, raising the risk that offenders’ negotiated convictions may not match their culpability, concerning both societal interests in relation to the correct punishment of criminal conduct, and the offender, given the ability for the DPP to over-charge in order to force negotiation. Moreover, the non-transparent, clandestine nature of charge negotiation raises doubts within society as to whether the DPP’s motivations are in coherence with moral and ethical standards and subsequently the legitimacy of the agreements made. Nonetheless, through the promotion of prompt resolution in criminal cases, charge negotiation has been relatively reflective of moral and ethical standards in relation to the effective achievement of  justice, enhancing community confidence in the criminal justice system.

Although laws can be perceived by the community unjust, they are evidently introduced in order to meet society's needs. By assessing the usefulness of move on orders, DNA evidence and charge negotiation in balancing community expectation with the achievement of justice, it can be said that, whilst significant changes need to occur, the criminal justice system has been moderately reflective of current moral and ethical standards held by society.

2. ASSESS THE ROLE OF LAW REFORM IN ACHIEVING JUSTICE IN THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM

Spoiler
As of recent, law reform has played a pivotal role in redressing imbalances within the criminal justice system (CJS), as well as increasing resource efficiency. However, despite some successes, due to the rapidly evolving nature of community values and changes in social behaviour, recent reforms have only been partially effective in achieving justice for all parities. Although the legislature has placed emphasis on ensuring the rights of individuals is equally weighted against the safety of the community, this equilibrium is often undermined by political intentions, as evident in reforms to the laws regarding police powers, DNA technology and charge negotiation.

Driven by ideological intentions, recent reforms to the Law Enforcement (Powers and Responsibilities) Act (2002) (LEPRA) have expanded police powers in the name of “public safety”. Whilst the LEPRA (Move On Directions) Amendment 2011 was arguably passed as an attempt by the legislature to maintain communal safety and consequently ensure justice, the effectiveness of this reform is questionable. With no offer for judicial review, the amendment has removed essential safeguards, subsequently imposing serious constraints upon the individual's use of public spaces, and thereby unlawfully compromising one’s right to freely roam. In fact, serious human rights abuses and infringements by police are going unchallenged, with the law’s revision diminishing justice standards, as evident during the Occupy Protests 2011, which brought otherwise law-abiding individuals into negative contact with the law. Moreover, whilst reformed to encourage deterrence, the individual’s democratic right to be  treated equally under the law has been undermined by police discretion, as exhibited in a recent SMH article, reporting that the most vulnerable members of society are being moved at a largely disproportionate rate in comparison to other members. Influenced by the Commonwealth's radical anti-terrorism legislation, it is evident that despite being amended as a means of further securing community safety, move on orders pre-emptively criminalise individuals without any proof of guilt, and therefore are feeble in achieving justice.

In an attempt to remain proactive to the rapidly evolving nature of forensic technology, whilst still acknowledging its influence in improving enforceability, the legislature have significantly reformed the Crimes Act (NSW) 1900 (CA), as a means of effectively preserving justice. Revising the standards of DNA collection, the CA (Forensic Procedures) Amendment (NSW) 2001 was enacted to ensure forensic evidence is ethically obtained and free from interference. Despite securing the individual’s right to procedural fairness, this reform has in turn catalysed both an excessive reliance upon DNA’s accuracy and a communal naivety of its impacts of upon the accused. If fact, the amendment has lead to serious miscarriages of justice, as seen in the case of R v Jama (2008), allowing misinformed jurors to place immense weight on forensic evidence, a concept dubbed as the ‘CSI effect’. This paramount case publicly demonstrated the ineffectiveness of current forensic laws in ensuring the integrity of court proceedings was not compromised, and thus provoking the nation's Attorney-general’s office to implement measures refining the use of DNA, both raising national minimum examination standards and addressing the potential for expert forensic evidence to be misunderstood. However, whilst the legislature have demonstrated great responsiveness to the inadequacy of forensic laws, juries often over depended on the accuracy of DNA evidence, and therefore further reforms to the use of this evidence is required to effectively achieve justice for the accused in the CJS.

Introduced to effectively reform costly court proceedings whilst still adequately achieving justice for victims and the community, charge negotiation is defined under the CA (Sentencing Procedure) 1999 and further revised by R v Thomson (2000) as an agreement between the Director of Public Prosecutions (DPP) and the offender with respect to a guilty plea. Whilst ‘benefiting’ offenders, due to its non-transparent nature the DPP often use the promise of a reduced maximum penalty as a bargaining tool, raising the risk that offenders’ negotiated convictions may not match their culpability, and subsequently resulting in an unjust charge. Nonetheless, highlighted by the Samuels Report into Charge Negotiation 2002, the reformed process serves as successful means of increasing resource efficiency, as well as saving victims the trauma of testifying, in line with growing recognition of the adversarial system’s detrimental effects on parties involved. On the contrary, recent media articles claim that charge negotiation laws are focus solely on resource efficiency as opposed to achieving justice, catalysing a diminishment of victims rights, as demonstrated through outcry following the death of Glenn McEnallay and subsequent case of R v PLT (2003). The media mobilised governmental action, influencing the CA (Sentencing Procedure) Amendment 2010, where reforms were made to charge negotiation, moving away from negotiation and further towards reaching a ‘charge agreement’, ensuring consultation between victims and the DPP. Nonetheless, whilst continuously advantageous in increasing resource efficiency, this reform did not revise the clandestine nature of charge negotiation, and therefore large impacts upon those affected still prevail. It is apparent that the role of law reform in regards to charge negotiation has only been moderately effective in achieving justice, in favour of resource efficiency.

Whilst the unfulfillment of justice is a central catalyst for law reform, evidence suggests that recent amendments to police powers, DNA technology and charge negotiation have all undermined the rights of individuals. By granting unnecessary discretionary powers to law enforcement bodies, the role of reform in the Australian CJS has been ineffective in achieving justice, and in turn requires further reform specifically towards the security of common law rights.

Mod Edit: Added spoilers :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 06, 2017, 11:50:08 pm
Quote from: claudiarosaliaa on July 06, 2017, 09:20:04 pm
Hey, I was wondering if you could please have a read through these two essays that I've been give as practice for my trial exam. They are written around the same ideas, I've just manipulate the argument to best suit the question. My biggest concern is that I am not discussing points relevant to the question at hand and my teacher refuses to give me any feedback. I am also concerned as to whether there is enough supporting evidence. Thank you :)

Hey Claudia! I've put your first essay on the marking list, but you'll need 30 posts before your second one qualifies!! ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: claudiarosaliaa on July 07, 2017, 09:06:37 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on July 06, 2017, 11:50:08 pm
Hey Claudia! I've put your first essay on the marking list, but you'll need 30 posts before your second one qualifies!! ;D

HiJamon, I've just reached 30 posts, am I required to re-post the essay? Also big thanks for taking the time to mark these essay! It's big help :D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 07, 2017, 11:21:55 pm
Quote from: claudiarosaliaa on July 07, 2017, 09:06:37 pm
HiJamon, I've just reached 30 posts, am I required to re-post the essay? Also big thanks for taking the time to mark these essay! It's big help :D

Nope all good! Both on the list now and you'll have feedback in the coming days ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: georgiia on July 08, 2017, 04:22:45 pm
Could I please have feedback for this crime essay? It is not written for the HSC but was an internal assignment so i am aware that it is far too long for the HSC but I'd like to know where I'm strong and where Im weaker. Thank you!!

x Georgia
Spoiler
Broad sentencing discretion is central to the ability of the criminal courts to ensure justice is done in all the extraordinary variety of circumstances of individual offences and individual offenders.                                                                   
—  Chief Justice Spigelman
With reference to the quote, evaluate the effectiveness of sentencing and punishment as a means of achieving justice.

Achieving justice demands a careful balancing act between the interests of the community, the concerns of the victim, and the best interests of the offender. Thus, flexibility and discretion in sentencing and punishment is critical to ensuring justice is done.

Guideline sentencing effectively balances the interests of the community, the concerns of the victim, and the rights of the offender, informing the exercise of judicial discretion in the area of sentencing. Judicial guidelines derived from judgements decided on by the NSW Sentencing Council, such as the case R v Henry (1999), used for guilty pleas of armed robbery, ensures greater consistency and transparency in the way sentences are determined by judges. Statutory guidelines involve looking at acts of parliament such as the Crimes (Sentencing Procedures) Act 1999 NSW. Statutes enhance the integrity of the legal process, facilitating greater uniformity in dealing with the extraordinary variety of circumstances of individual offences. R v Jacobs (2013) was the first case to issue the mandatory life sentence for murder of an on-duty police officer, under the Crimes Amendment (Murder of Police Officers) Act 2011. Media coverage addressed concerns of whether rights of conflicting parties had been achieved; ‘Is a police man’s life worth more?’ SMH (2011). R v Loveridge (2013) was a catalyst for change and reform, introducing an 8 year mandatory sentences for those convicted of ‘One punch’ laws under the Crimes and Other Legislation Amendment (Assault and Intoxication) Act 2014. Through reform, tougher laws have championed the interests of the community, bringing sentences more into line with community standards. However, this statute has hindered the effectiveness of the CJS to perform with discretion and independence, impeding upon the rights of the accused and undermining fundamental rule of law principles. Chief Justice Spigelman expressed a need for guidelines with broad, flexible scope, to provide structure for judicial discretion, promote consistency, and increase public confidence in sentencing; “Guideline judgments are a mechanism for structuring discretion, not for restricting discretion. The continued existence of sentencing discretion is an essential component of the fairness of our criminal justice system.”

An effective and just punishment for the individual and society is based upon a combination of the four purposes of punishment defined in the Crimes (Sentencing Procedures) Act 1999 NSW. Deterrence discourages certain behaviours by providing consequences. Specific deterrence refers to punishment of the individual to discourage recidivism. General deterrence refers to punishment setting an example for future offenders. A BOSCAR 2006 investigation accounted for 41% of released prisoners reoffending within three years. Thus, incarceration is ineffective as a specific deterrent, failing to break the cycle of recidivism. Retribution considers impact upon the victim, family, and community. Lengthy custodial sentences such as the doubling of Kieren Loveridge’s sentence on appeal, are an example of punishment aimed at retribution. Rehabilitation aims to reform the offender. This benefits the community by reducing the likelihood of recidivism. In looking at the high rate of recidivism within the first two years of conviction; 29% or 56% for young offenders, it is evident that justice is more likely to be achieved if rehabilitation is prioritised. Rehabilitation through the Drug Court effectively reduces recidivism by 37% (BOSCAR 2010). Conversely, rehabilitation is criticised for failing to adequately retribute those who have suffered. Although effective in ensuring society feels protected, incapacitation places financial stress on society at large, costing over $50 000/pa. Justice is not achieved in the long run as money would be more efficiently spent addressing underlying causes.

The balancing of aggravating and mitigating factors is integral towards achieving justice in sentencing. Aggravating factors increase criminal culpability. This allows cases where the offender has abused a position of authority, such as the John Ellis case where he was sexually abused as an altar boy, to be dealt with more severely. This reflects society’s heightened level of denunciation associated with these crimes. Mitigating factors reduce criminal culpability and consider circumstances which provide context to the crime. This enables broad sentencing discretion of subjective factors; character reference, prior conviction, guilty plea, assisting police, and honest display of remorse with prospects for rehabilitation.

Victims are guaranteed rights under the Victims Rights Act 1996. Victim Impact Statements (VIS) convey intimate insight to the impact of the offenders’ actions. This effectively facilitates access to just outcomes for those impacted, by compelling judicial discretion and possible aggravating factors such as in Aguirre v Regina (2010). An important case to look at in terms of the role of the victim is R v Loveridge (2014). The judge considered aggravating factors; violent nature, and mitigating factors; offender’s display of remorse, disadvantaged background. On appeal, the sentence was doubled to a non-parole period of 10 years, reflecting the need for retribution to ensure a just outcome for the victim. A media article ‘Thomas Kelly Death was Never Murder’ (SMH 2014), described this as “trial by media”. This case highlights the controversy surrounding VIS, as the CJS struggles to balance the demands from the victim, with just outcomes for the accused. As put by Justice Ron Howie, “Judges have to remind the public they do not sentence for the victim, but for the community.” Only then can justice be achieved on a more consistent basis.   

Appeals are a means of ‘ensuring justice is done in all the extraordinary variety of circumstances of individual offences and individual offenders’. However, in the case R v AEM; KEM; MM (2002), the Crown appealed to the Criminal Court of Appeal against the leniency of a sentence given for a serious case of aggravated sexual assault in company. On appeal, the original sentences where more than doubled, from five and six, to 13 and 14 years’ imprisonment. Thus, ineffectiveness rises when there has been a failure to achieve justice the first time round, putting financial pressure on courts and being time consuming. Further ineffectiveness can be seen in R v Leung (2009, 2011 and 2013), where the defendant was tried three times for the same crime and was found not-guilty the first two times, wasting the CJS’s resources.

Penalties achieve justice by upholding community values and demonstrating enforcement of the law, and vary with respect to a judge’s discretion. Fines; (Section 17) Crimes (Sentencing Procedure) Act 1999, are appropriate for strict liability or regulatory offences, resource-efficient, and raise revenue for governments to use in other areas. However as a ‘specific’ deterrent, fines disadvantage particular demographics, thus promoting institutionalised inequity. Furthermore, imprisonment accounts for a large portion of the CJS’s ineffectiveness. The NSW Department of Juvenile Justice spends 48% of their budget keeping young offenders in custody, but no link has been found with decreased recidivism. 27% of Australia’s prisoners are Indigenous, but Indigenous Australians make up only 3% of our total population. Therefore, the over-representation in Indigenous incarceration accounts for great ineffectiveness as “Nearly 20 years after a Royal Commission into black deaths in custody recommended jail be used as a last resort, the proportion of indigenous prisoners has doubled.” Locking Out Rehabilitation (SMH 2009).

In involving a wider spectrum of interested people into the decision-making process, diversionary programs are successful alternatives to traditional modes of sentencing. The Magistrate’s Early Referral into Treatment (MERIT) programme breaks the cycle of drug abuse and crime by addressing underlying mental health and social welfare issues. BOCSAR (2009) found that within 12 months, reoffending dropped from 49% to 35%. Conversely, the programme reduces personal accountability by focusing more on the causes of criminality rather than impacts. Circle sentencing is an alternative court for sentencing adult indigenous Australians where guilt is openly admitted. As making it meaningful by inviting community members and elders to take part in the sentencing process, recidivism rates and Aboriginal confidence in the criminal justice system improves. The Young Offenders Act 1997 allows referrals to Youth Justice Conferences. However, Dr Don Weatherburn indicated that this alternative is no more effective than the NSW Children’s Court in reducing juvenile recidivism; “Those who participate in YJC’s find the experience very rewarding, but we may need to look elsewhere for programs that reduce the risk of juvenile reoffending.” Ultimately, these alternative methods of sentencing are seen as coinciding, not replacing traditional forms of sentencing, and play a significant role in achieving greater equality, fairness and access within the sentencing and punishment process.

In assessing the implications of post-sentencing considerations in achieving justice, the consequences of these decisions must be examined. In Police v Power (2007), the protective custody of Patrick Power, deputy DPP of NSW, failed to serve justice. Having been found in possession of child pornography and sentenced 15 months, Power only served 8 as he had been responsible for putting some of his fellow inmates in prison. Preventative detention as seen with the Terrorism (Police Powers) Act 2016 NSW, issues police the ability to detain and question terror suspects for 14 days without charge. Although effective in protecting the community, the rights of the individual are undermined. Under the Child Protection (Offenders Registration) Act 2000 (NSW), released sexual offenders against children are put on the Australian National Child Offender Register (ANCOR) for at least 8 years. Ineffectiveness is seen with the push to remove young offender ‘sexters’ from this list, as rehabilitation and reintegration into the community is the primary goal. This is seen in a media article from 2016; “Issues of sex-texting for your offenders under review”.

Sentencing and punishment emphasises the limitations in achieving a reasonable and effective balance between the rights of the suspects, the accused and the community. These examples reveal that when one person’s rights are respected, another’s are infringed upon. While to some extent balance is achieved, this balance is not always entirely effective.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: claudiarosaliaa on July 13, 2017, 08:26:03 pm
Heyy, I was wondering if I could get some feedback on this World Order essay?

Evaluate the extent to which international instruments have been effective in achieving world order.

Spoiler
Derived from peaceful relations between both nation states and other non-state global actors, the achievement of World Order (WO), - in a legal, political and economic framework, - is increasingly dependent upon the effectiveness of international instruments in directing state-parties towards compliance. Whilst the composition of the global world has changed significantly over the centuries, the validity of instruments such as the Rome Statute of the International Criminal Court (RS) 1998, the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT) 1968 and the Geneva Conventions (GCs) 1949 remain increasingly paramount in ensuring destructions witnessed in both World War One and Two following a breakdown in WO are averted.   

Regarded as the most effective international instrument in achieving WO since the adoption of the UN Charter in 1945, the RS and subsequent establishment of the International Criminal Court (ICC) 2002 was developed as a peaceful means of prosecuting individuals for mass atrocities. Consisting of 139 signatories, the ICC is the world’s first permanent tribunal, providing accessible justice for victims of genocide, crimes against humanity and war crimes. By limiting the court's power to “complement national criminal jurisdictions” and thus enabling states to prosecute their own criminals, the RS has skilfully maintained the rule of law, whilst still acting as a deterrent. Moreover, the RS allows appeals to the ICC for both guilty verdicts and acquittals, allowing prosecutors to submit additional evidence that may redetermine a judgment. This clause has allowed the ICC to remain flexible in its interpretation of international criminal law, and thus adaptable to the constantly changing nature of WO, as seen during the ICC Review Conference Kampala (2010), where the statute was amended in order to expand the ICC’s jurisdiction to include crimes of aggression. However, despite sufficient groundwork set out in the RS enabling accessibility, the doctrine of state sovereignty impedes on the instrument's effectiveness, with increasing dependence upon multilateral cooperation to both secure evidence and exercise arrests. This ineffectiveness was best demonstrated in the case of Thomas Lubanga Dyilo (2012), whose trial was six years long due to a lackadaisical approach taken by member-states in assisting with his arrest. Furthermore, the endorsement of the RS’s laws has been greatly undermined by refusal from the United States (US), Russia and China to recognise the court jurisdiction, ultimately rendering the ICC as inconsequential. Overall, despite a strong foundation laid out in the RS, the ICC has only made three successful prosecutions since its inception due to such limitations. Whilst this can be attributed to the youth of the court, the RS’s effectiveness in achieving WO is restricted due to an unwillingness to cooperate and blatant non-compliance of signatories, as well as a lack of support from the world's most powerful states.

Developed in response to an international moral shift towards non-proliferation following the devastating bombings of Hiroshima (1945) and Nagasaki (1945), the NPT is aimed at preventing mutually assured destruction by limiting the proliferation of nuclear weapons. Whilst thus-far preventing nuclear warfare, the doctrine of state sovereignty and the barriers it carries in relation to enforceability has again hampered the instrument's effectiveness. Although securing the compliance of 189 non-nuclear states, who mostly have chiefly respected their responsibilities, the instrument is limited by international law, with no authority over ensuring compliance from non-signatory states. For instance, under their sovereign rights, India, Pakistan and North Korea have all since begun clandestine nuclear development programmes. Moreover, exercising their 'inalienable right' under UN Charter Article 4 to pursue nuclear energy for power, Iran managed to flaunt their NPT obligations. Whilst claiming their nuclear programme was for ‘peaceful purposes’, it can be said this blatant act of non-compliance was committed by Iran to preserve its own political interests, shedding light upon the inadequate enforceability written into the treaty. Furthermore, the instrument has be deemed unjust for its double-standard approach towards compliance, permitting the acquisition and modernisation of nuclear weapons by the ‘Nuclear Five’, on the basis they demonstrate commitment towards complete disarmament. Controversial in nature, this clause has catalysed large  imbalances to the international rule of law, and in turn has been significantly criticised by the international community. Fighting for a total ban on nuclear weapons, in line with the elimination of all other weapons of mass destruction, The International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons have applied increasing pressure upon the international government to renegotiate the treaty’s terms in order to increase its effectiveness. However, due to structural weaknesses within the UN, it is likely that the renegotiation of NPT will be hindered by the ‘Nuclear Fives’ veto powers as a result of self-interest and geopolitical gain. Nonetheless, despite global concerns raised surrounding its effectiveness, it is most evident through the 2003 nuclear disarmament in Libya - once a non-compliant party - that the treaty has been moderately successful in achieving WO, both curbing proliferation and securing international compliance.

The GCs have had a lasting impact, setting universally ratified “rules of war” governing the conduct of armed forces and protecting non-combatants. Shaped in the aftermath of World War 2, the conventions were drafted in an effort to effectively prevent future mass destructions in an era of “total war”, in which conflicts were brutal and ethically charged. Although securing 194 signatory parties, the 60-year-old conventions potency during armed conflicts has been recently questioned, containing limitations due to inadequate implementation and  insufficient commitment from nation-states in achieving WO. In particular, the legal ambiguity of the instrument regarding the status of detainees captured and incarcerated at facilities such as Guantanamo Bay as a part of the so-called “War on Terror”  (WoT) and allegations of their mistreatment has prompted legal wrangling surrounding its effectiveness. The WoT was a complete refusal by the US to recognise the status of Prisoners of War (PoW) under the GCs. With sovereignty again acting as a major barrier to the instrument's usefulness, the US instead declared these PoW’s as ‘unlawful’, ‘enemy’ combatants, both using ‘enhanced interrogation techniques’ to gather intelligence and denying them the right to trial by US domestic courts and military tribunals, a requirement under the GCs. However, whilst a refining of its principles may be needed in order to reflect current realities of warfare, a vast majority of the GCs provisions have become a part of international customary law and therefore are binding on all nations whether they have ratified the convention or not, and thus the instrument's effectiveness is a question of non-implementation and enforcement of compliance, not weaknesses in the laws themselves. Furthermore, despite limitations hampering its enforcement, the very existence of the GCs provides a vital framework for what is acceptable during war, and hence its effectiveness is highly instrumental in achieving WO, as corroborated by Helen Durham (Director or International Law and Policy at ICRC). 

The achievement of WO is increasingly dependant upon the effectiveness of international instruments, specifically regarding implementation and enforcement. Despite created on the basis of limiting global destruction, as discussed through the RS, the NPT and the GCs, a large tension between the instruments in theory and the containment powers they hold is most evident, with their capability often hamstrung by the geopolitical interests of nation-states. Therefore, whilst there creation is paramount, due to both the notion of sovereignty and structural weaknesses within the UN, international instruments are only partially effective in attaining global harmony.

Mod Edit: Added spoiler :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: mohanedibrahim1 on July 15, 2017, 07:53:34 pm
Hey are markers looking for a really sophisticated response or just by you answering the question in a really simple form
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 16, 2017, 11:31:40 pm
Quote from: mohanedibrahim1 on July 15, 2017, 07:53:34 pm
Hey are markers looking for a really sophisticated response or just by you answering the question in a really simple form

I'd argue they aren't looking for brilliance and perfect execution, like, you aren't looking for an Honours Thesis to submit to the USYD Marking Board. But they don't want, "This is good," either - Try and achieve a balance between being direct and being sophisticated :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 16, 2017, 11:54:08 pm
Quote from: claudiarosaliaa on July 06, 2017, 09:20:04 pm
Hey, I was wondering if you could please have a read through these two essays that I've been give as practice for my trial exam. They are written around the same ideas, I've just manipulate the argument to best suit the question. My biggest concern is that I am not discussing points relevant to the question at hand and my teacher refuses to give me any feedback. I am also concerned as to whether there is enough supporting evidence. Thank you :)

Hey Claudia! I've attached both your essays with comments throughout in red (didn't want to confuse with your use of bold and underline) :)

ESSAY MARKING COMPLETE :)

1. DISCUSS THE EXTENT TO WHICH THE LAW REFLECTS MORAL AND ETHICAL STANDARDS IN THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM
Spoiler
Ensuring the law is reflective of current moral and ethical standards is paramount in criminal justice system. Why is this? Seems a little like an incomplete thought. Whilst increasing communal emphasis has been placed upon the achievement of natural justice, in line with values of equity, increasing powers have been granted to law enforcement bodies in relation to move on orders, charge negotiation and DNA evidence, highlight the inherent difficulties in upholding both societal standards and safety. Slight expression issue in this second sentence - This introduction is a little short. It needs to be longer to properly link to the question and establish your argument!

Driven by ideological intentions, the Law Enforcement (Powers and Responsibilities) Act NSW (2002) (LEPRA) has expanded police powers in the name of “public safety”, an attempt at upholding communal standards surrounding the prevention of criminal activity. I like this introduction - Introducing the law immediately works well here. However, by granting police the power to employ move on orders, the state have imposed serious constraints upon the individual's use of public spaces, unlawfully compromising one’s freedom to roam, and in turn breaching both essential international obligations under the Article 13 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights 1948 (UDHR) and universal equity ethics. Slight expression issue here - Be sure to link the argument explicitly to moral and ethical standards. In fact, with no offer for judicial review, essential safeguards have been removed and the most vulnerable members of society are being moved at a largely disproportionate rate in comparison to other community members [‘New Drunk, Disorderly Police Powers Penalise the Most Vulnerable’ (SMH: 23/9/14)]. Moreover, whilst introduced as a deterrent mechanism, the individual’s democratic right to protest peacefully is now dependent upon police discretion. ... Thus showing the ineffectiveness of the measures in upholding, blah blah blah. Be sure to link everything back to the extent to which the law reflects the standards. Serious human rights abuses and infringements by police are going unchallenged, diminishing moral justice standards, as evident during the Occupy Protests 2011, which brought otherwise law-abiding individuals into negative contact with the law. Influenced by the Commonwealth's radical anti-terrorism legislation, it is evident whilst introduced to maintain community safety, move on orders pre-emptively criminalise individuals without any proof of guilt, a feature of the criminal justice system that is clearly not in balance with current moral and ethical standards held by society. Fantastic finish to the paragraph, brought together nicely. The argument throughout was just a little shaky, at times I didn't quite see the connection between the evidence and the argument you were making. Overall though, nicely done!

With growing community recognition regarding the dangerously rapid evolving nature of forensic technology, a large amount of communal emphasis has been placed on government proactivity in relation to DNA evidence. Outlining the standards of DNA collection, the Crimes Amendment (Forensic Procedures) Act 2001 (CA) was passed to ensure forensic evidence is ethically obtained and free from interference, in line with social expectations. Good start, links to question and establishes the topic area and relevant legislation. Works well. However, although DNA has a powerful influence in achieving justice for both victims and the community, a naivety regarding its impact upon the accused rights has increased. Slight expression issue, I think 'developed' works better there than 'increased' as one idea on how to fix? By placing significant amounts of trust in DNA evidence, an over reliance upon its evidential accuracy has occurred, leading to serious miscarriages of justice, as seen in R v Jama (2008). With the absence of any other evidence despite DNA, the prosecution benefited from what has been dubbed as the ‘CSI effect’, with misinformed jurors placing immense amounts of weight upon forensic evidence. In fact, an SMH article titled “Wrongfully Accused” shed light upon the unethical nature of the criminal justice system as a whole, stating the trial judge, constrained by the rules of evidence, advised the jury “not to speculate” over the lack of sufficient evidence. The case of R v Jama was of paramount significance, sparking public controversy in relation to the immoral and unethical nature of the criminal trial process. Be careful - You've spent quite a few sentences discussing the details of this case and have really only linked back to standards ever so slightly in this last sentences. Don't fall into the trap of going into unnecessary detail for a case, just the bare essentials and a link to the argument, and move on, two sentences tops! In response, the nation's Attorney-general’s office implemented measures ensuring the ‘CSI effect’ no longer compromises the integrity and fairness of future criminal proceeding, both raising national DNA examination standards and addressing the potential for expert forensic evidence to be unjustly misunderstood. What were these measures specifically? It is evident that whilst the Commonwealth have taken notable strides towards ensuring communal ethical standards are being met, DNA evidence is often presented unfairly, and thus is use is not in line with moral standards of justice. You are bringing the judgement together really nicely at the end of your paragraphs. Try and thread it throughout as well - For this paragraph I also think reducing the focus on the case and bringing in other evidence would be beneficial.

Defined by the Crimes (Sentencing Procedure) Act 1999 as an agreement between the Director of Public Prosecutions (DPP) and an offender with respect to a guilty plea, charge negotiation has proven to have substantial communal benefits, reducing both the expenditure of resources in the criminal justice system and the lengthy nature of court proceedings. Be careful to make sure your topic sentences relate specifically to the question for maximum benefit! Highlighted by the Samuels Report into Charge Negotiation, guilty pleas serve as an effective means in minimising burden of criminal trials on taxpayers, saving $15 million each year since 2002, reflective of community attitudes regarding the use of public money. Nice, good link there - Not something I've seen before, clever! It can also be said that charge negotiation saves victims and witnesses from testifying, in line with growing moral recognition of the detrimental effects the adversarial system posses towards traumatised parties involved in serious crimes. Your links to the question are much better in this paragraph. However, an SMH articled titled ‘Victims Ignored in Plea Deals’ (2009) claimed many victims often feel cheated by the system of charge negotiation as a result of large amounts of weight placed on resources efficiency by the judiciary as opposed adequate attainment of justice, a utter disregard of communities values. Expression issue, not quite sure what you are arguing here? Furthermore, whilst ‘benefiting’ offenders, the DPP often use the promise of a reduced maximum penalty as a bargaining tool, raising the risk that offenders’ negotiated convictions may not match their culpability, concerning both societal interests in relation to the correct punishment of criminal conduct, and the offender, given the ability for the DPP to over-charge in order to force negotiation. Nice breakdown. Moreover, the non-transparent, clandestine nature of charge negotiation raises doubts within society as to whether the DPP’s motivations are in coherence with moral and ethical standards and subsequently the legitimacy of the agreements made. Nonetheless, through the promotion of prompt resolution in criminal cases, charge negotiation has been relatively reflective of moral and ethical standards in relation to the effective achievement of  justice, enhancing community confidence in the criminal justice system. This was your strongest paragraph by far - Links effectively to question and a variety of effective evidence. Good work!

Although laws can be perceived by the community unjust, they are evidently introduced in order to meet society's needs. By assessing the usefulness of move on orders, DNA evidence and charge negotiation in balancing community expectation with the achievement of justice, it can be said that, whilst significant changes need to occur, the criminal justice system has been moderately reflective of current moral and ethical standards held by society.

2. ASSESS THE ROLE OF LAW REFORM IN ACHIEVING JUSTICE IN THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM
Spoiler
The role of reform is paramount in ensuring justice is achieved in the criminal justice system, linked to changing community values and ethical standards. This intro feels a bit like a random syllabus dot point splurge, the link between reform and community values needs to be explained a bit more! With increasing emphasis placed upon protecting the safety and rights of the community, recent reforms have been made in relation to move on orders, the collection of DNA evidence and the  employment of charge negotiation, all increasing the power of both police and the judiciary. This intro is very short, you'll want it to be longer to properly pick apart the question and establish a proper judgement of effectiveness.

Driven by ideological intentions, recent reforms to the Law Enforcement (Powers and Responsibilities) Act (2002) (LEPRA) have expanded police powers in the name of “public safety”. Try and start your paragraph with an obvious judgement, this is an ASSESS question after all. By attempting to uphold community interests, the commonwealth, under the LEPRA Amendment (Move On Directions) 2011, have imposed serious constraints upon the individuals use public spaces, unlawfully compromising one’s freedom to roam. Saying this is 'unlawful,' isn't quite correct, because it is lawful. I like the idea but the expression isn't quite right. With no offer for judicial review, essential safeguards have been removed, with the most vulnerable members of society being moved at a largely disproportionate rate in comparison to other members, as highlighted in ‘New Drunk, Disorderly Police Powers Penalise the Most Vulnerable’ (SMH: 23/9/14). Nice use of media - Make sure to explicitly make your judgements though. "... thus showing the ineffectiveness of the reforms," or similar. Moreover, whilst introduced as a deterrent mechanism, the individual’s democratic right to protest peacefully is now dependent upon police discretion, with infringements upon the individual's rights going unchallenged, bringing otherwise law-abiding individuals into negative contact with the criminal justice system, evident during the Occupy Protests 2011. Was there a specific court case you could reference here? Following the Knitting Nannas Against Gas Protest 2016, the NSW government further reformed move on powers under the Crimes (Serious and Organised Crime) Legislation Amendment Bill 2016, pre-emptively criminalising unwanted political protests. Influenced by the Commonwealth's radical anti-terrorism legislation, it is evident move on orders are not in balance with current moral and ethical standards, impeding upon an individual's rights to freedom of movement and expression. Despite introduced to maintain community safety, these newly granted powers don’t adequately achieve justice, requiring further reform. I think you've got a nice body of evidence here, but you aren't quite using this as effectively as you could be. Be sure to make specific judgements throughout, this is important to address the verb of 'assess.'

Ensuring proactivity to the rapidly evolving nature of forensic technology, significant reforms to statute law have occurred. Have they been effective or ineffective? Make this obvious from the get go. The Crimes Amendment (Forensic Procedures) Act 2001 (CA) outlines the collection of forensic evidence as ‘in situ’, free from contamination. You don't need to delve in to what the reforms DO, you want to focus on the evaluation of those law changes. By actively acknowledging DNA’s influence in maintaining community interests and achieving justice for victims, the government have catalysed an over reliance upon its evidential accuracy. I think I know what you mean here, but the expression could be a little better, a little more clarity would be beneficial! Naive of its impact upon the accused rights, this weight has caused serious miscarriages of justice, shown in the paramount case R v Jama (2008), provoking realisation for much-needed reform. With absence of any other evidence despite DNA, the prosecution benefited from what has been dubbed as the ‘CSI effect’, with misinformed jurors placing immense amounts of weight upon forensic evidence. Acting upon this unethical use of DNA, the nation's Attorney-general’s office implemented measures ensuring the ‘CSI effect’ no longer compromises the integrity and fairness of future criminal proceeding, both raising minimum DNA examination standards and addressing the potential for expert forensic evidence to be misunderstood. What were these measures? Would you call them effective? This is the bit of the paragraph (the reform) where you need lots of detail. Furthermore, outlined in the CA (Forensic Procedures) 2000, police have been granted powers to build a DNA database, assisting in the effective prosecution of future and cold cases, highlighted in R v Castle (2009). However, David Shoebridge (Greens MP) claimed these powers are unproductive in achieving justice and violate the individual's common law right to privacy and freedom from governmental interference, calling for further reforms to the nature of forensics evidence. As above, I feel this paragraph isn't using the evidence it contains to support the argument! A little too much detail where it doesn't need to be (what the reforms do, what happened in cases), and not enough detail in evaluating/assessing the reforms, the bits that count.

Introduced to reform costly and lengthy court proceedings, charge negotiation is defined under the CA (Sentencing Procedure) 1999 as an agreement between the Director of Public Prosecutions (DPP) and the offender with respect to a guilty plea. You don't need to define key terms, your marker knows them already! The case of R v Thomson (2000) further reformed the law for the purpose of preserving resources, setting precedent indicating that the utilitarian value of a guilty plea must be dependent upon the timing of the plea. Was this an effective reform? I know you might be implying this, but it must be explicit! By increasing resource efficiency, charge negotiation has reduced the burden placed on taxpayers and the judiciary, as well as benefited offenders, guatanteening a reduced maximum penalty. However, the DPP often utilize charge negotiation as a bargaining tool, diminishing the victim's right to justice, as seen in the case of R v PLT (2003), prompting large amounts of public outcry following the death of police officer Glenn McEnallay. I like that you are blending multiple LCM's into a single 'example' - That's tough to do and you do it frequently and naturally. This is great - Still looking for more obvious evaluation though! Written in response to this dismissal of moral and ethical standards, the Samuels Report 2002 into Charge Negotiation recommended that the DPP's guidelines ensure ''adequate consultation with victims'', placing significant amounts of pressure on the government, who in turn reviewed the protection of victim's rights under the law. Nice, lesser known piece of evidence to use! You've done your research :) However, the judiciary perceived resource efficiency of higher importance than the attainment of justice, with media coverage stating recommendations laid out in the report were being ignored for expediency purposes [‘Victims Ignored in Plea Deals’ (SMH 2009)]. Whilst unable to ensure procedural fairness, the media mobilised government action against such abuses, influencing the Crimes (Sentencing Procedure) Amendment Act 2010, where reforms were made to charge negotiation, moving away from the believed process of negotiation and further towards reaching a ‘charge agreement’, ensuring consultation between victims and the DPP. Be careful you don't slip into a recount of this happened then this happened - Try and succinctly evaluate the reform without wasting time explaining the full story behind the reform itself. However, non-transparent nature, the prosecution's discretionary powers play a large role in charge negotiation, raising doubts over the DPP’s motivations within society and the subsequent legitimacy of the agreements made. Slight expression issue there? Whilst advantageous in increasing resource efficiency, charge negotiation has large impacts upon those affected by crime, specifically victims, unsuccessful in achieving justice for all parties involved.

Whilst the unfulfillment of justice is a central catalyst for law reform, evidence suggests that recent amendments to move on orders, forensic evidence and charge negotiation have all undermined the rights of individuals. Adjust your word choice to get rid of 'unfulfillment' there. By granting unnecessary discretionary powers to law enforcement bodies, the role of reform in the Australian criminal justice system has been ineffective in achieving justice, and in turn requires further reform specifically towards the security of common law rights. Nice finish with a clear judgement, good work there.

Sorry this took a while!! Hope these comments throughout both essays are helpful ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: georgiia on July 19, 2017, 04:51:29 pm
Quote from: georgiia on July 08, 2017, 04:22:45 pm
Could I please have feedback for this crime essay? It is not written for the HSC but was an internal assignment so i am aware that it is far too long for the HSC but I'd like to know where I'm strong and where Im weaker. Thank you!!

Thanks
Spoiler
Broad sentencing discretion is central to the ability of the criminal courts to ensure justice is done in all the extraordinary variety of circumstances of individual offences and individual offenders.                                                                   
—  Chief Justice Spigelman
With reference to the quote, evaluate the effectiveness of sentencing and punishment as a means of achieving justice.

Achieving justice demands a careful balancing act between the interests of the community, the concerns of the victim, and the best interests of the offender. Thus, flexibility and discretion in sentencing and punishment is critical to ensuring justice is done.

Guideline sentencing effectively balances the interests of the community, the concerns of the victim, and the rights of the offender, informing the exercise of judicial discretion in the area of sentencing. Judicial guidelines derived from judgements decided on by the NSW Sentencing Council, such as the case R v Henry (1999), used for guilty pleas of armed robbery, ensures greater consistency and transparency in the way sentences are determined by judges. Statutory guidelines involve looking at acts of parliament such as the Crimes (Sentencing Procedures) Act 1999 NSW. Statutes enhance the integrity of the legal process, facilitating greater uniformity in dealing with the extraordinary variety of circumstances of individual offences. R v Jacobs (2013) was the first case to issue the mandatory life sentence for murder of an on-duty police officer, under the Crimes Amendment (Murder of Police Officers) Act 2011. Media coverage addressed concerns of whether rights of conflicting parties had been achieved; ‘Is a police man’s life worth more?’ SMH (2011). R v Loveridge (2013) was a catalyst for change and reform, introducing an 8 year mandatory sentences for those convicted of ‘One punch’ laws under the Crimes and Other Legislation Amendment (Assault and Intoxication) Act 2014. Through reform, tougher laws have championed the interests of the community, bringing sentences more into line with community standards. However, this statute has hindered the effectiveness of the CJS to perform with discretion and independence, impeding upon the rights of the accused and undermining fundamental rule of law principles. Chief Justice Spigelman expressed a need for guidelines with broad, flexible scope, to provide structure for judicial discretion, promote consistency, and increase public confidence in sentencing; “Guideline judgments are a mechanism for structuring discretion, not for restricting discretion. The continued existence of sentencing discretion is an essential component of the fairness of our criminal justice system.”

An effective and just punishment for the individual and society is based upon a combination of the four purposes of punishment defined in the Crimes (Sentencing Procedures) Act 1999 NSW. Deterrence discourages certain behaviours by providing consequences. Specific deterrence refers to punishment of the individual to discourage recidivism. General deterrence refers to punishment setting an example for future offenders. A BOSCAR 2006 investigation accounted for 41% of released prisoners reoffending within three years. Thus, incarceration is ineffective as a specific deterrent, failing to break the cycle of recidivism. Retribution considers impact upon the victim, family, and community. Lengthy custodial sentences such as the doubling of Kieren Loveridge’s sentence on appeal, are an example of punishment aimed at retribution. Rehabilitation aims to reform the offender. This benefits the community by reducing the likelihood of recidivism. In looking at the high rate of recidivism within the first two years of conviction; 29% or 56% for young offenders, it is evident that justice is more likely to be achieved if rehabilitation is prioritised. Rehabilitation through the Drug Court effectively reduces recidivism by 37% (BOSCAR 2010). Conversely, rehabilitation is criticised for failing to adequately retribute those who have suffered. Although effective in ensuring society feels protected, incapacitation places financial stress on society at large, costing over $50 000/pa. Justice is not achieved in the long run as money would be more efficiently spent addressing underlying causes.

The balancing of aggravating and mitigating factors is integral towards achieving justice in sentencing. Aggravating factors increase criminal culpability. This allows cases where the offender has abused a position of authority, such as the John Ellis case where he was sexually abused as an altar boy, to be dealt with more severely. This reflects society’s heightened level of denunciation associated with these crimes. Mitigating factors reduce criminal culpability and consider circumstances which provide context to the crime. This enables broad sentencing discretion of subjective factors; character reference, prior conviction, guilty plea, assisting police, and honest display of remorse with prospects for rehabilitation.

Victims are guaranteed rights under the Victims Rights Act 1996. Victim Impact Statements (VIS) convey intimate insight to the impact of the offenders’ actions. This effectively facilitates access to just outcomes for those impacted, by compelling judicial discretion and possible aggravating factors such as in Aguirre v Regina (2010). An important case to look at in terms of the role of the victim is R v Loveridge (2014). The judge considered aggravating factors; violent nature, and mitigating factors; offender’s display of remorse, disadvantaged background. On appeal, the sentence was doubled to a non-parole period of 10 years, reflecting the need for retribution to ensure a just outcome for the victim. A media article ‘Thomas Kelly Death was Never Murder’ (SMH 2014), described this as “trial by media”. This case highlights the controversy surrounding VIS, as the CJS struggles to balance the demands from the victim, with just outcomes for the accused. As put by Justice Ron Howie, “Judges have to remind the public they do not sentence for the victim, but for the community.” Only then can justice be achieved on a more consistent basis.   

Appeals are a means of ‘ensuring justice is done in all the extraordinary variety of circumstances of individual offences and individual offenders’. However, in the case R v AEM; KEM; MM (2002), the Crown appealed to the Criminal Court of Appeal against the leniency of a sentence given for a serious case of aggravated sexual assault in company. On appeal, the original sentences where more than doubled, from five and six, to 13 and 14 years’ imprisonment. Thus, ineffectiveness rises when there has been a failure to achieve justice the first time round, putting financial pressure on courts and being time consuming. Further ineffectiveness can be seen in R v Leung (2009, 2011 and 2013), where the defendant was tried three times for the same crime and was found not-guilty the first two times, wasting the CJS’s resources.

Penalties achieve justice by upholding community values and demonstrating enforcement of the law, and vary with respect to a judge’s discretion. Fines; (Section 17) Crimes (Sentencing Procedure) Act 1999, are appropriate for strict liability or regulatory offences, resource-efficient, and raise revenue for governments to use in other areas. However as a ‘specific’ deterrent, fines disadvantage particular demographics, thus promoting institutionalised inequity. Furthermore, imprisonment accounts for a large portion of the CJS’s ineffectiveness. The NSW Department of Juvenile Justice spends 48% of their budget keeping young offenders in custody, but no link has been found with decreased recidivism. 27% of Australia’s prisoners are Indigenous, but Indigenous Australians make up only 3% of our total population. Therefore, the over-representation in Indigenous incarceration accounts for great ineffectiveness as “Nearly 20 years after a Royal Commission into black deaths in custody recommended jail be used as a last resort, the proportion of indigenous prisoners has doubled.” Locking Out Rehabilitation (SMH 2009).

In involving a wider spectrum of interested people into the decision-making process, diversionary programs are successful alternatives to traditional modes of sentencing. The Magistrate’s Early Referral into Treatment (MERIT) programme breaks the cycle of drug abuse and crime by addressing underlying mental health and social welfare issues. BOCSAR (2009) found that within 12 months, reoffending dropped from 49% to 35%. Conversely, the programme reduces personal accountability by focusing more on the causes of criminality rather than impacts. Circle sentencing is an alternative court for sentencing adult indigenous Australians where guilt is openly admitted. As making it meaningful by inviting community members and elders to take part in the sentencing process, recidivism rates and Aboriginal confidence in the criminal justice system improves. The Young Offenders Act 1997 allows referrals to Youth Justice Conferences. However, Dr Don Weatherburn indicated that this alternative is no more effective than the NSW Children’s Court in reducing juvenile recidivism; “Those who participate in YJC’s find the experience very rewarding, but we may need to look elsewhere for programs that reduce the risk of juvenile reoffending.” Ultimately, these alternative methods of sentencing are seen as coinciding, not replacing traditional forms of sentencing, and play a significant role in achieving greater equality, fairness and access within the sentencing and punishment process.

In assessing the implications of post-sentencing considerations in achieving justice, the consequences of these decisions must be examined. In Police v Power (2007), the protective custody of Patrick Power, deputy DPP of NSW, failed to serve justice. Having been found in possession of child pornography and sentenced 15 months, Power only served 8 as he had been responsible for putting some of his fellow inmates in prison. Preventative detention as seen with the Terrorism (Police Powers) Act 2016 NSW, issues police the ability to detain and question terror suspects for 14 days without charge. Although effective in protecting the community, the rights of the individual are undermined. Under the Child Protection (Offenders Registration) Act 2000 (NSW), released sexual offenders against children are put on the Australian National Child Offender Register (ANCOR) for at least 8 years. Ineffectiveness is seen with the push to remove young offender ‘sexters’ from this list, as rehabilitation and reintegration into the community is the primary goal. This is seen in a media article from 2016; “Issues of sex-texting for your offenders under review”.

Sentencing and punishment emphasises the limitations in achieving a reasonable and effective balance between the rights of the suspects, the accused and the community. These examples reveal that when one person’s rights are respected, another’s are infringed upon. While to some extent balance is achieved, this balance is not always entirely effective.

Could I possibly have feedback for this essay? I posted it over a week ago and was just wondering if maybe it was missed? If its just because you are busy then dw and just whenever is fine
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 19, 2017, 08:11:30 pm
Quote from: georgiia on July 19, 2017, 04:51:29 pm
Could I possibly have feedback for this essay? I posted it over a week ago and was just wondering if maybe it was missed? If its just because you are busy then dw and just whenever is fine

Definitely!! Sorry, just still playing catchup with the marking, yours will definitely be done very soon :)

Quote from: claudiarosaliaa on July 13, 2017, 08:26:03 pm
Heyy, I was wondering if I could get some feedback on this World Order essay?

I'll be tackling your second essay posted above soon Claudia, but for this World Order essay to be marked you'll need 55 posts to qualify. Sorry I meant to tell you sooner! :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: claudiarosaliaa on July 19, 2017, 10:15:17 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on July 16, 2017, 11:54:08 pm
Hey Claudia! I've attached both your essays with comments throughout in red (didn't want to confuse with your use of bold and underline) :)

ESSAY MARKING IN PROGRESS - 1/2 COMPLETE :)

1. DISCUSS THE EXTENT TO WHICH THE LAW REFLECTS MORAL AND ETHICAL STANDARDS IN THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM
Spoiler
Ensuring the law is reflective of current moral and ethical standards is paramount in criminal justice system. Why is this? Seems a little like an incomplete thought. Whilst increasing communal emphasis has been placed upon the achievement of natural justice, in line with values of equity, increasing powers have been granted to law enforcement bodies in relation to move on orders, charge negotiation and DNA evidence, highlight the inherent difficulties in upholding both societal standards and safety. Slight expression issue in this second sentence - This introduction is a little short. It needs to be longer to properly link to the question and establish your argument!

Driven by ideological intentions, the Law Enforcement (Powers and Responsibilities) Act NSW (2002) (LEPRA) has expanded police powers in the name of “public safety”, an attempt at upholding communal standards surrounding the prevention of criminal activity. I like this introduction - Introducing the law immediately works well here. However, by granting police the power to employ move on orders, the state have imposed serious constraints upon the individual's use of public spaces, unlawfully compromising one’s freedom to roam, and in turn breaching both essential international obligations under the Article 13 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights 1948 (UDHR) and universal equity ethics. Slight expression issue here - Be sure to link the argument explicitly to moral and ethical standards. In fact, with no offer for judicial review, essential safeguards have been removed and the most vulnerable members of society are being moved at a largely disproportionate rate in comparison to other community members [‘New Drunk, Disorderly Police Powers Penalise the Most Vulnerable’ (SMH: 23/9/14)]. Moreover, whilst introduced as a deterrent mechanism, the individual’s democratic right to protest peacefully is now dependent upon police discretion. ... Thus showing the ineffectiveness of the measures in upholding, blah blah blah. Be sure to link everything back to the extent to which the law reflects the standards. Serious human rights abuses and infringements by police are going unchallenged, diminishing moral justice standards, as evident during the Occupy Protests 2011, which brought otherwise law-abiding individuals into negative contact with the law. Influenced by the Commonwealth's radical anti-terrorism legislation, it is evident whilst introduced to maintain community safety, move on orders pre-emptively criminalise individuals without any proof of guilt, a feature of the criminal justice system that is clearly not in balance with current moral and ethical standards held by society. Fantastic finish to the paragraph, brought together nicely. The argument throughout was just a little shaky, at times I didn't quite see the connection between the evidence and the argument you were making. Overall though, nicely done!

With growing community recognition regarding the dangerously rapid evolving nature of forensic technology, a large amount of communal emphasis has been placed on government proactivity in relation to DNA evidence. Outlining the standards of DNA collection, the Crimes Amendment (Forensic Procedures) Act 2001 (CA) was passed to ensure forensic evidence is ethically obtained and free from interference, in line with social expectations. Good start, links to question and establishes the topic area and relevant legislation. Works well. However, although DNA has a powerful influence in achieving justice for both victims and the community, a naivety regarding its impact upon the accused rights has increased. Slight expression issue, I think 'developed' works better there than 'increased' as one idea on how to fix? By placing significant amounts of trust in DNA evidence, an over reliance upon its evidential accuracy has occurred, leading to serious miscarriages of justice, as seen in R v Jama (2008). With the absence of any other evidence despite DNA, the prosecution benefited from what has been dubbed as the ‘CSI effect’, with misinformed jurors placing immense amounts of weight upon forensic evidence. In fact, an SMH article titled “Wrongfully Accused” shed light upon the unethical nature of the criminal justice system as a whole, stating the trial judge, constrained by the rules of evidence, advised the jury “not to speculate” over the lack of sufficient evidence. The case of R v Jama was of paramount significance, sparking public controversy in relation to the immoral and unethical nature of the criminal trial process. Be careful - You've spent quite a few sentences discussing the details of this case and have really only linked back to standards ever so slightly in this last sentences. Don't fall into the trap of going into unnecessary detail for a case, just the bare essentials and a link to the argument, and move on, two sentences tops! In response, the nation's Attorney-general’s office implemented measures ensuring the ‘CSI effect’ no longer compromises the integrity and fairness of future criminal proceeding, both raising national DNA examination standards and addressing the potential for expert forensic evidence to be unjustly misunderstood. What were these measures specifically? It is evident that whilst the Commonwealth have taken notable strides towards ensuring communal ethical standards are being met, DNA evidence is often presented unfairly, and thus is use is not in line with moral standards of justice. You are bringing the judgement together really nicely at the end of your paragraphs. Try and thread it throughout as well - For this paragraph I also think reducing the focus on the case and bringing in other evidence would be beneficial.

Defined by the Crimes (Sentencing Procedure) Act 1999 as an agreement between the Director of Public Prosecutions (DPP) and an offender with respect to a guilty plea, charge negotiation has proven to have substantial communal benefits, reducing both the expenditure of resources in the criminal justice system and the lengthy nature of court proceedings. Be careful to make sure your topic sentences relate specifically to the question for maximum benefit! Highlighted by the Samuels Report into Charge Negotiation, guilty pleas serve as an effective means in minimising burden of criminal trials on taxpayers, saving $15 million each year since 2002, reflective of community attitudes regarding the use of public money. Nice, good link there - Not something I've seen before, clever! It can also be said that charge negotiation saves victims and witnesses from testifying, in line with growing moral recognition of the detrimental effects the adversarial system posses towards traumatised parties involved in serious crimes. Your links to the question are much better in this paragraph. However, an SMH articled titled ‘Victims Ignored in Plea Deals’ (2009) claimed many victims often feel cheated by the system of charge negotiation as a result of large amounts of weight placed on resources efficiency by the judiciary as opposed adequate attainment of justice, a utter disregard of communities values. Expression issue, not quite sure what you are arguing here? Furthermore, whilst ‘benefiting’ offenders, the DPP often use the promise of a reduced maximum penalty as a bargaining tool, raising the risk that offenders’ negotiated convictions may not match their culpability, concerning both societal interests in relation to the correct punishment of criminal conduct, and the offender, given the ability for the DPP to over-charge in order to force negotiation. Nice breakdown. Moreover, the non-transparent, clandestine nature of charge negotiation raises doubts within society as to whether the DPP’s motivations are in coherence with moral and ethical standards and subsequently the legitimacy of the agreements made. Nonetheless, through the promotion of prompt resolution in criminal cases, charge negotiation has been relatively reflective of moral and ethical standards in relation to the effective achievement of  justice, enhancing community confidence in the criminal justice system. This was your strongest paragraph by far - Links effectively to question and a variety of effective evidence. Good work!

Although laws can be perceived by the community unjust, they are evidently introduced in order to meet society's needs. By assessing the usefulness of move on orders, DNA evidence and charge negotiation in balancing community expectation with the achievement of justice, it can be said that, whilst significant changes need to occur, the criminal justice system has been moderately reflective of current moral and ethical standards held by society.

2. ASSESS THE ROLE OF LAW REFORM IN ACHIEVING JUSTICE IN THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM
Spoiler
The role of reform is paramount in ensuring justice is achieved in the criminal justice system, linked to changing community values and ethical standards. With increasing emphasis placed upon protecting the safety and rights of the community, recent reforms have been made in relation to move on orders, the collection of DNA evidence and the  employment of charge negotiation, all increasing the power of both police and the judiciary.

Driven by ideological intentions, recent reforms to the Law Enforcement (Powers and Responsibilities) Act (2002) (LEPRA) have expanded police powers in the name of “public safety”. By attempting to uphold community interests, the commonwealth, under the LEPRA Amendment (Move On Directions) 2011, have imposed serious constraints upon the individuals use public spaces, unlawfully compromising one’s freedom to roam. With no offer for judicial review, essential safeguards have been removed, with the most vulnerable members of society being moved at a largely disproportionate rate in comparison to other members, as highlighted in ‘New Drunk, Disorderly Police Powers Penalise the Most Vulnerable’ (SMH: 23/9/14). Moreover, whilst introduced as a deterrent mechanism, the individual’s democratic right to protest peacefully is now dependent upon police discretion, with infringements upon the individual's rights going unchallenged, bringing otherwise law-abiding individuals into negative contact with the criminal justice system, evident during the Occupy Protests 2011. Following the Knitting Nannas Against Gas Protest 2016, the NSW government further reformed move on powers under the Crimes (Serious and Organised Crime) Legislation Amendment Bill 2016, pre-emptively criminalising unwanted political protests. Influenced by the Commonwealth's radical anti-terrorism legislation, it is evident move on orders are not in balance with current moral and ethical standards, impeding upon an individual's rights to freedom of movement and expression. Despite introduced to maintain community safety, these newly granted powers don’t adequately achieve justice, requiring further reform.

Ensuring proactivity to the rapidly evolving nature of forensic technology, significant reforms to statute law have occurred. The Crimes Amendment (Forensic Procedures) Act 2001 (CA) outlines the collection of forensic evidence as ‘in situ’, free from contamination. By actively acknowledging DNA’s influence in maintaining community interests and achieving justice for victims, the government have catalysed an over reliance upon its evidential accuracy. Naive of its impact upon the accused rights, this weight has caused serious miscarriages of justice, shown in the paramount case R v Jama (2008), provoking realisation for much-needed reform. With absence of any other evidence despite DNA, the prosecution benefited from what has been dubbed as the ‘CSI effect’, with misinformed jurors placing immense amounts of weight upon forensic evidence. Acting upon this unethical use of DNA, the nation's Attorney-general’s office implemented measures ensuring the ‘CSI effect’ no longer compromises the integrity and fairness of future criminal proceeding, both raising minimum DNA examination standards and addressing the potential for expert forensic evidence to be misunderstood. Furthermore, outlined in the CA (Forensic Procedures) 2000, police have been granted powers to build a DNA database, assisting in the effective prosecution of future and cold cases, highlighted in R v Castle (2009). However, David Shoebridge (Greens MP) claimed these powers are unproductive in achieving justice and violate the individual's common law right to privacy and freedom from governmental interference, calling for further reforms to the nature of forensics evidence.

Introduced to reform costly and lengthy court proceedings, charge negotiation is defined under the CA (Sentencing Procedure) 1999 as an agreement between the Director of Public Prosecutions (DPP) and the offender with respect to a guilty plea. The case of R v Thomson (2000) further reformed the law for the purpose of preserving resources, setting precedent indicating that the utilitarian value of a guilty plea must be dependent upon the timing of the plea. By increasing resource efficiency, charge negotiation has reduced the burden placed on taxpayers and the judiciary, as well as benefited offenders, guatanteening a reduced maximum penalty. However, the DPP often utilize charge negotiation as a bargaining tool, diminishing the victim's right to justice, as seen in the case of R v PLT (2003), prompting large amounts of public outcry following the death of police officer Glenn McEnallay. Written in response to this dismissal of moral and ethical standards, the Samuels Report 2002 into Charge Negotiation recommended that the DPP's guidelines ensure ''adequate consultation with victims'', placing significant amounts of pressure on the government, who in turn reviewed the protection of victim's rights under the law. However, the judiciary perceived resource efficiency of higher importance than the attainment of justice, with media coverage stating recommendations laid out in the report were being ignored for expediency purposes [‘Victims Ignored in Plea Deals’ (SMH 2009)]. Whilst unable to ensure procedural fairness, the media mobilised government action against such abuses, influencing the Crimes (Sentencing Procedure) Amendment Act 2010, where reforms were made to charge negotiation, moving away from the believed process of negotiation and further towards reaching a ‘charge agreement’, ensuring consultation between victims and the DPP. However, non-transparent nature, the prosecution's discretionary powers play a large role in charge negotiation, raising doubts over the DPP’s motivations within society and the subsequent legitimacy of the agreements made. Whilst advantageous in increasing resource efficiency, charge negotiation has large impacts upon those affected by crime, specifically victims, unsuccessful in achieving justice for all parties involved.

Whilst the unfulfillment of justice is a central catalyst for law reform, evidence suggests that recent amendments to move on orders, forensic evidence and charge negotiation have all undermined the rights of individuals. By granting unnecessary discretionary powers to law enforcement bodies, the role of reform in the Australian criminal justice system has been ineffective in achieving justice, and in turn requires further reform specifically towards the security of common law rights.


Hey Jamon, thank you for all the great feedback. I've already taken it all into consideration and have edited the second essay with those comments in mind. If you haven't already started marking it, am I able to submit that instead of the one previously submitted?
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 19, 2017, 11:47:06 pm
Quote from: claudiarosaliaa on July 19, 2017, 10:15:17 pm
Hey Jamon, thank you for all the great feedback. I've already taken it all into consideration and have edited the second essay with those comments in mind. If you haven't already started marking it, am I able to submit that instead of the one previously submitted?

Sorry Claudia, I reckon I finished marking JUST as you posted this! Hopefully the comments on the older version are still useful, happy to have a quick look at the newer version and give some brief comments too if you like :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 20, 2017, 12:59:16 am
Quote from: georgiia on July 08, 2017, 04:22:45 pm
Could I please have feedback for this crime essay? It is not written for the HSC but was an internal assignment so i am aware that it is far too long for the HSC but I'd like to know where I'm strong and where Im weaker. Thank you!!

x Georgia

Sorry for the delay Georgia! Essay is attached with feedback in bold:

Spoiler
Broad sentencing discretion is central to the ability of the criminal courts to ensure justice is done in all the extraordinary variety of circumstances of individual offences and individual offenders.                                                                   
—  Chief Justice Spigelman
With reference to the quote, evaluate the effectiveness of sentencing and punishment as a means of achieving justice.

Achieving justice demands a careful balancing act between the interests of the community, the concerns of the victim, and the best interests of the offender. Thus, flexibility and discretion in sentencing and punishment is critical to ensuring justice is done. I like the ideas presented in this introduction - It definitely does the job in a basic sense. But you'll want it to be longer - Set up the paragraph topics and integrate the quote into your argument.

Guideline sentencing effectively balances the interests of the community, the concerns of the victim, and the rights of the offender, informing the exercise of judicial discretion in the area of sentencing. Nice evaluation at the forefront of the paragraph. Judicial guidelines derived from judgements decided on by the NSW Sentencing Council, such as the case R v Henry (1999), used for guilty pleas of armed robbery, ensures greater consistency and transparency in the way sentences are determined by judges. Good. Statutory guidelines involve looking at acts of parliament such as the Crimes (Sentencing Procedures) Act 1999 NSW. Try not to fall into content based response, keep the focus on evaluation. You don't need to explain terms at all! Statutes enhance the integrity of the legal process, facilitating greater uniformity in dealing with the extraordinary variety of circumstances of individual offences. Excellent point, R v Jacobs (2013) was the first case to issue the mandatory life sentence for murder of an on-duty police officer, under the Crimes Amendment (Murder of Police Officers) Act 2011. Media coverage addressed concerns of whether rights of conflicting parties had been achieved; ‘Is a police man’s life worth more?’ SMH (2011). I'd like to see you do more with this media article, you sort of acknowledge it exists but then immediately move on. R v Loveridge (2013) was a catalyst for change and reform, introducing an 8 year mandatory sentences for those convicted of ‘One punch’ laws under the Crimes and Other Legislation Amendment (Assault and Intoxication) Act 2014. Would you say this was an effective change? Did it address what it was supposed to address, based on statistics? Through reform, tougher laws have championed the interests of the community, bringing sentences more into line with community standards. However, this statute has hindered the effectiveness of the CJS to perform with discretion and independence, impeding upon the rights of the accused and undermining fundamental rule of law principles. Fantastic summary of the key idea of this paragraph. Chief Justice Spigelman expressed a need for guidelines with broad, flexible scope, to provide structure for judicial discretion, promote consistency, and increase public confidence in sentencing; “Guideline judgments are a mechanism for structuring discretion, not for restricting discretion. The continued existence of sentencing discretion is an essential component of the fairness of our criminal justice system.” This is too late to be the first reference to the quotation - You've alluded to it, but it needs to be at the centre of attention!

An effective and just punishment for the individual and society is based upon a combination of the four purposes of punishment defined in the Crimes (Sentencing Procedures) Act 1999 NSW. Deterrence discourages certain behaviours by providing consequences. Specific deterrence refers to punishment of the individual to discourage recidivism. General deterrence refers to punishment setting an example for future offenders. Avoid content vomits like this - The marker knows this already! Assume they understand everything you say, chances are they do :) A BOSCAR 2006 investigation accounted for 41% of released prisoners reoffending within three years. Thus, incarceration is ineffective as a specific deterrent, failing to break the cycle of recidivism. The structure of this argument is a little backwards, I'd have preferred, "Incarceration is ineffective, AS SHOWN BY these statistics." Retribution considers impact upon the victim, family, and community. Lengthy custodial sentences such as the doubling of Kieren Loveridge’s sentence on appeal, are an example of punishment aimed at retribution. Rehabilitation aims to reform the offender. b]Avoid content vomit[/b]. This benefits the community by reducing the likelihood of recidivism. In looking at the high rate of recidivism within the first two years of conviction; 29% or 56% for young offenders, it is evident that justice is more likely to be achieved if rehabilitation is prioritised. Rehabilitation through the Drug Court effectively reduces recidivism by 37% (BOSCAR 2010). Conversely, rehabilitation is criticised for failing to adequately retribute those who have suffered. Although effective in ensuring society feels protected, incapacitation places financial stress on society at large, costing over $50 000/pa. Justice is not achieved in the long run as money would be more efficiently spent addressing underlying causes. This paragraph feels a lot messier and less cohesive than the first paragraph. No judgement is established at the start, not as much analysis and less effective evaluation - Definitely not quite the same quality as above.

The balancing of aggravating and mitigating factors is integral towards achieving justice in sentencing. Aggravating factors increase criminal culpability. This allows cases where the offender has abused a position of authority, such as the John Ellis case where he was sexually abused as an altar boy, to be dealt with more severely. This reflects society’s heightened level of denunciation associated with these crimes. Mitigating factors reduce criminal culpability and consider circumstances which provide context to the crime. This enables broad sentencing discretion of subjective factors; character reference, prior conviction, guilty plea, assisting police, and honest display of remorse with prospects for rehabilitation. This paragraph doesn't do much to evaluate the effectiveness of anything, much more like a content splurge. This is an example of a paragraph that you'd ignore when you shift this over to something to write in the exam room, it won't do anything for you!

Victims are guaranteed rights under the Victims Rights Act 1996. Victim Impact Statements (VIS) convey intimate insight to the impact of the offenders’ actions. This is content - The marker knows these things already! This effectively facilitates access to just outcomes for those impacted, by compelling judicial discretion and possible aggravating factors such as in Aguirre v Regina (2010). Try not to JUST reference a case and immediately move on. Good that you aren't lingering on case details that aren't important, but you still need to DO something with it. An important case to look at in terms of the role of the victim is R v Loveridge (2014). The judge considered aggravating factors; violent nature, and mitigating factors; offender’s display of remorse, disadvantaged background. On appeal, the sentence was doubled to a non-parole period of 10 years, reflecting the need for retribution to ensure a just outcome for the victim. A media article ‘Thomas Kelly Death was Never Murder’ (SMH 2014), described this as “trial by media”. This case highlights the controversy surrounding VIS, as the CJS struggles to balance the demands from the victim, with just outcomes for the accused. As put by Justice Ron Howie, “Judges have to remind the public they do not sentence for the victim, but for the community.” Only then can justice be achieved on a more consistent basis. Not much evaluation here, more content than anything else. You've also (I've just realised) not been integrating the stimulus!

Appeals are a means of ‘ensuring justice is done in all the extraordinary variety of circumstances of individual offences and individual offenders’. However, in the case R v AEM; KEM; MM (2002), the Crown appealed to the Criminal Court of Appeal against the leniency of a sentence given for a serious case of aggravated sexual assault in company. On appeal, the original sentences where more than doubled, from five and six, to 13 and 14 years’ imprisonment. Thus, ineffectiveness rises when there has been a failure to achieve justice the first time round, putting financial pressure on courts and being time consuming. Further ineffectiveness can be seen in R v Leung (2009, 2011 and 2013), where the defendant was tried three times for the same crime and was found not-guilty the first two times, wasting the CJS’s resources. You need proper judgements at the start and end of your paragraphs - Are appeals effective or ineffective when considered holistically? In between the two? Exploring either side is definitely okay but you want to make sure the marker knows that you aren't just rambling and throwing content and LCM's without consideration, which is sort of what this seems like. It needs more structure and purpose!

Penalties achieve justice by upholding community values and demonstrating enforcement of the law, and vary with respect to a judge’s discretion. Sort of have a judgement here, but not the most obvious - Try to make it a more obvious part of all of your introductions! Fines; (Section 17) Crimes (Sentencing Procedure) Act 1999, are appropriate for strict liability or regulatory offences, resource-efficient, and raise revenue for governments to use in other areas. Nice considerations, but I'd still like a more obvious judgement (either now or after you delve into disadvantages. However as a ‘specific’ deterrent, fines disadvantage particular demographics, thus promoting institutionalised inequity. Furthermore, imprisonment accounts for a large portion of the CJS’s ineffectiveness. Why? This feels a little like a standalone statement, perhaps adding a statement like "especially in dealing with ________," to flow into the next part of the argument. Cohesion is important! The NSW Department of Juvenile Justice spends 48% of their budget keeping young offenders in custody, but no link has been found with decreased recidivism. Great! Just finish with "thus demonstrating the ineffectiveness of juvenile detention," for example, again it is all about obvious judgements! 27% of Australia’s prisoners are Indigenous, but Indigenous Australians make up only 3% of our total population. So? Link this to a judgement explicitly! Therefore, the over-representation in Indigenous incarceration accounts for great ineffectiveness as “Nearly 20 years after a Royal Commission into black deaths in custody recommended jail be used as a last resort, the proportion of indigenous prisoners has doubled.” Locking Out Rehabilitation (SMH 2009).

In involving a wider spectrum of interested people into the decision-making process, diversionary programs are successful alternatives to traditional modes of sentencing. The Magistrate’s Early Referral into Treatment (MERIT) programme breaks the cycle of drug abuse and crime by addressing underlying mental health and social welfare issues. BOCSAR (2009) found that within 12 months, reoffending dropped from 49% to 35%. Nice -
 This was effective, and here's my proof. Simple. Good work. Conversely, the programme reduces personal accountability by focusing more on the causes of criminality rather than impacts. Circle sentencing is an alternative court for sentencing adult indigenous Australians where guilt is openly admitted. As making it meaningful by inviting community members and elders to take part in the sentencing process, recidivism rates and Aboriginal confidence in the criminal justice system improves. The Young Offenders Act 1997 allows referrals to Youth Justice Conferences. Make sure you are evaluating these alternative methods, not just stating what they are! However, Dr Don Weatherburn indicated that this alternative is no more effective than the NSW Children’s Court in reducing juvenile recidivism; “Those who participate in YJC’s find the experience very rewarding, but we may need to look elsewhere for programs that reduce the risk of juvenile reoffending.” Nice inclusion of quote. Ultimately, these alternative methods of sentencing are seen as coinciding, not replacing traditional forms of sentencing, and play a significant role in achieving greater equality, fairness and access within the sentencing and punishment process. Nice concluding sentence - The argument in this paragraph was quite strong, simple and direct - Good work!

In assessing the implications of post-sentencing considerations in achieving justice, the consequences of these decisions must be examined. In Police v Power (2007), the protective custody of Patrick Power, deputy DPP of NSW, failed to serve justice. Having been found in possession of child pornography and sentenced 15 months, Power only served 8 as he had been responsible for putting some of his fellow inmates in prison. Be sure to fully wrap up this thought with an evaluation - Was it an effective decision? Preventative detention as seen with the Terrorism (Police Powers) Act 2016 NSW, issues police the ability to detain and question terror suspects for 14 days without charge. Although effective in protecting the community, the rights of the individual are undermined. More specific? Under the Child Protection (Offenders Registration) Act 2000 (NSW), released sexual offenders against children are put on the Australian National Child Offender Register (ANCOR) for at least 8 years. Ineffectiveness is seen with the push to remove young offender ‘sexters’ from this list, as rehabilitation and reintegration into the community is the primary goal. This is seen in a media article from 2016; “Issues of sex-texting for your offenders under review”. Be sure your paragraphs have a proper conclusion.

Sentencing and punishment emphasises the limitations in achieving a reasonable and effective balance between the rights of the suspects, the accused and the community. These examples reveal that when one person’s rights are respected, another’s are infringed upon. While to some extent balance is achieved, this balance is not always entirely effective.

Comments:

- As you've mentioned, far too long for use in an exam scenario - You'll need to cut back for use in the HSC! ;D
- You've not incorporated the quote in your essay - If presented with a quote in an exam scenario it MUST form a big part of your argument. It should be paraphrased or otherwise referenced in your intro and used throughout the response as well ;D
- You've got a fantastic body of evidence - Lots of laws, cases, media, stats and reports. Excellent work, I bet the research took ages! What I'm looking for is doing more with the evidence. Right now you are giving me a lot of $2 cheeseburgers - You've got the evidence and sometimes a bit of evaluation, but often it is a little quick. Instead, focus on giving me a few Big Macs, a few bits of evidence analysed in detail with an explicit judgement. However...
- Don't fall into regurgitating content! The marker is a Legal Studies expert, they know the terminology and they know the laws. You should only ever give the bare minimum of detail for your argument to make sense.

My comments throughout should cover the rest of my thoughts - It's a strong essay! Everything you would want to include evidence-wise is there. It just needs a little polish :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: claudiarosaliaa on July 20, 2017, 11:39:46 am
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on July 19, 2017, 11:47:06 pm
Sorry Claudia, I reckon I finished marking JUST as you posted this! Hopefully the comments on the older version are still useful, happy to have a quick look at the newer version and give some brief comments too if you like :)

Ahhh what a shame! That's okay any feedback is appreciated! I'll take a look at the one you've just marked and further refine my essay. If you could have a quick skim over it once it is down that would be awesome! THANK YOU SO MUCH :)

Here is my revised essay with all your feedback! I'm worried there isn't enough LCMID, but it is just under 800 words so I'm not sure what to do. Thank you so much again!

ASSESS THE ROLE OF LAW REFORM IN ACHIEVING JUSTICE IN THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM


Spoiler
Law reform plays a pivotal role in redressing imbalances within the criminal justice system (CJS) and increasing resource efficiency. However, despite some successes, due to the rapidly evolving nature of community values, recent reforms have only been partially effective in achieving justice for all parities, as evidenced in recent reforms to police powers, DNA technology and charge negotiation.

Although the recent reform Law Enforcement (Move On Directions) Amendment Act 2011 (LEPRA) has expanded police powers in the name of “public safety”, it has  been notably ineffective in achieving justice. With no offer for judicial review, these powers have removed essential safeguards, and subsequently serious abuses and infringements by police are going unchallenged, as evident during the Occupy Protests 2011, diminishing the communities human right to protection by law enforcement bodies. Moreover, whilst reformed to encourage deterrence, the individual’s democratic right to be treated equally under the law has been undermined by police discretion, as exhibited in a recent SMH article, reporting that the most vulnerable members of society are being moved at a largely disproportionate rate, thus highlighting the ineffectiveness of the reform in ensuring equality. Influenced by the Commonwealth's radical anti-terrorism legislation, it is evident that despite being amended as a means of further securing community safety, move on orders pre-emptively criminalise individuals without any proof of guilt, and therefore are feeble in achieving justice.

To remain proactive to the rapidly evolving nature of forensic technology, whilst still acknowledging its influence in improving enforceability, the legislature have reformed the Crimes Act (NSW) 1900 (CA) as a means of effectively preserving justice. However, despite revising DNA collection standards, the CA (Forensic Procedures) Amendment (NSW) 2001 has only been moderately effective, causing an excessive reliance upon forensic evidence during trial proceeding and a communal naivety of its impacts of upon the accused. If fact, the amendment has lead to serious miscarriages of justice, seen in the case of R v Jama (2008), allowing misinformed jurors to place immense weight on forensic evidence, a concept dubbed as the ‘CSI effect’. This case publicly demonstrated the ineffectiveness of current forensic laws in ensuring justice, and thus provoked the nation's Attorney-general’s office to implement measures reforming the use of DNA, raising national minimum examination standards and addressing the potential for expert forensic evidence to be misunderstood. However, whilst these measures demonstrated great responsiveness by the legislature, juries still continue to placed an unjust amount of weight on the accuracy of DNA evidence, and hence further reforms to the use of this evidence in court proceedings is required to effectively achieve justice.

Charge negotiation was introduced under the CA (Sentencing Procedure) 1999 and further revised by R v Thomson (2000) to reform costly court proceedings, whilst still adequately achieving justice for victims and the community. Whilst ‘benefiting’ offenders, due to its non-transparent nature the DPP often use the promise of a reduced maximum penalty as a bargaining tool, raising the risk that offenders’ negotiated convictions may not match their culpability, and subsequently resulting in an unjust charge. Nonetheless, highlighted by the Samuels Report into Charge Negotiation 2002, the reformed process serves as successful means of increasing resource efficiency, as well as saving victims the trauma of testifying, in line with growing recognition of the adversarial system’s detrimental effects on parties involved. On the contrary, recent media articles claim that charge negotiation laws are focus solely on resource efficiency as opposed to effectively achieving justice, catalysing a diminishment of victims rights, as demonstrated through outcry following the death of Glenn McEnallay and subsequent case of R v PLT (2003). The media mobilised governmental action, influencing the CA (Sentencing Procedure) Amendment 2010, where reforms were made to charge negotiation, moving away from negotiation and further towards reaching a ‘charge agreement’. By ensuring consultation between victims and the DPP, a greater level of protection for victims rights was granted, and in turn charge negotiation laws demonstrated efficiency in ensuring victims receive just outcomes. Nonetheless, whilst continuously advantageous in increasing resource efficiency, this reform did not revise the clandestine nature of charge negotiation, and therefore large impacts upon the accused still prevail. It is apparent that the role of law reform in regards to charge negotiation has only been moderately effective, in favour of resource efficiency, as opposed to the achievement of justice.

Whilst redressing imbalances to justice is a central catalyst for law reform, evidence suggests that recent amendments to police powers, DNA technology and charge negotiation have all undermined the rights of individuals. By granting unnecessary discretionary powers to law enforcement bodies, the role of reform in the Australian CJS has been ineffective in achieving justice, and in turn requires further reform specifically towards the security of common law rights.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: georgiia on July 20, 2017, 06:40:37 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on July 20, 2017, 12:59:16 am
Sorry for the delay Georgia! Essay is attached with feedback in bold:

Spoiler
Broad sentencing discretion is central to the ability of the criminal courts to ensure justice is done in all the extraordinary variety of circumstances of individual offences and individual offenders.                                                                   
—  Chief Justice Spigelman
With reference to the quote, evaluate the effectiveness of sentencing and punishment as a means of achieving justice.

Achieving justice demands a careful balancing act between the interests of the community, the concerns of the victim, and the best interests of the offender. Thus, flexibility and discretion in sentencing and punishment is critical to ensuring justice is done. I like the ideas presented in this introduction - It definitely does the job in a basic sense. But you'll want it to be longer - Set up the paragraph topics and integrate the quote into your argument.

Guideline sentencing effectively balances the interests of the community, the concerns of the victim, and the rights of the offender, informing the exercise of judicial discretion in the area of sentencing. Nice evaluation at the forefront of the paragraph. Judicial guidelines derived from judgements decided on by the NSW Sentencing Council, such as the case R v Henry (1999), used for guilty pleas of armed robbery, ensures greater consistency and transparency in the way sentences are determined by judges. Good. Statutory guidelines involve looking at acts of parliament such as the Crimes (Sentencing Procedures) Act 1999 NSW. Try not to fall into content based response, keep the focus on evaluation. You don't need to explain terms at all! Statutes enhance the integrity of the legal process, facilitating greater uniformity in dealing with the extraordinary variety of circumstances of individual offences. Excellent point, R v Jacobs (2013) was the first case to issue the mandatory life sentence for murder of an on-duty police officer, under the Crimes Amendment (Murder of Police Officers) Act 2011. Media coverage addressed concerns of whether rights of conflicting parties had been achieved; ‘Is a police man’s life worth more?’ SMH (2011). I'd like to see you do more with this media article, you sort of acknowledge it exists but then immediately move on. R v Loveridge (2013) was a catalyst for change and reform, introducing an 8 year mandatory sentences for those convicted of ‘One punch’ laws under the Crimes and Other Legislation Amendment (Assault and Intoxication) Act 2014. Would you say this was an effective change? Did it address what it was supposed to address, based on statistics? Through reform, tougher laws have championed the interests of the community, bringing sentences more into line with community standards. However, this statute has hindered the effectiveness of the CJS to perform with discretion and independence, impeding upon the rights of the accused and undermining fundamental rule of law principles. Fantastic summary of the key idea of this paragraph. Chief Justice Spigelman expressed a need for guidelines with broad, flexible scope, to provide structure for judicial discretion, promote consistency, and increase public confidence in sentencing; “Guideline judgments are a mechanism for structuring discretion, not for restricting discretion. The continued existence of sentencing discretion is an essential component of the fairness of our criminal justice system.” This is too late to be the first reference to the quotation - You've alluded to it, but it needs to be at the centre of attention!

An effective and just punishment for the individual and society is based upon a combination of the four purposes of punishment defined in the Crimes (Sentencing Procedures) Act 1999 NSW. Deterrence discourages certain behaviours by providing consequences. Specific deterrence refers to punishment of the individual to discourage recidivism. General deterrence refers to punishment setting an example for future offenders. Avoid content vomits like this - The marker knows this already! Assume they understand everything you say, chances are they do :) A BOSCAR 2006 investigation accounted for 41% of released prisoners reoffending within three years. Thus, incarceration is ineffective as a specific deterrent, failing to break the cycle of recidivism. The structure of this argument is a little backwards, I'd have preferred, "Incarceration is ineffective, AS SHOWN BY these statistics." Retribution considers impact upon the victim, family, and community. Lengthy custodial sentences such as the doubling of Kieren Loveridge’s sentence on appeal, are an example of punishment aimed at retribution. Rehabilitation aims to reform the offender. b]Avoid content vomit[/b]. This benefits the community by reducing the likelihood of recidivism. In looking at the high rate of recidivism within the first two years of conviction; 29% or 56% for young offenders, it is evident that justice is more likely to be achieved if rehabilitation is prioritised. Rehabilitation through the Drug Court effectively reduces recidivism by 37% (BOSCAR 2010). Conversely, rehabilitation is criticised for failing to adequately retribute those who have suffered. Although effective in ensuring society feels protected, incapacitation places financial stress on society at large, costing over $50 000/pa. Justice is not achieved in the long run as money would be more efficiently spent addressing underlying causes. This paragraph feels a lot messier and less cohesive than the first paragraph. No judgement is established at the start, not as much analysis and less effective evaluation - Definitely not quite the same quality as above.

The balancing of aggravating and mitigating factors is integral towards achieving justice in sentencing. Aggravating factors increase criminal culpability. This allows cases where the offender has abused a position of authority, such as the John Ellis case where he was sexually abused as an altar boy, to be dealt with more severely. This reflects society’s heightened level of denunciation associated with these crimes. Mitigating factors reduce criminal culpability and consider circumstances which provide context to the crime. This enables broad sentencing discretion of subjective factors; character reference, prior conviction, guilty plea, assisting police, and honest display of remorse with prospects for rehabilitation. This paragraph doesn't do much to evaluate the effectiveness of anything, much more like a content splurge. This is an example of a paragraph that you'd ignore when you shift this over to something to write in the exam room, it won't do anything for you!

Victims are guaranteed rights under the Victims Rights Act 1996. Victim Impact Statements (VIS) convey intimate insight to the impact of the offenders’ actions. This is content - The marker knows these things already! This effectively facilitates access to just outcomes for those impacted, by compelling judicial discretion and possible aggravating factors such as in Aguirre v Regina (2010). Try not to JUST reference a case and immediately move on. Good that you aren't lingering on case details that aren't important, but you still need to DO something with it. An important case to look at in terms of the role of the victim is R v Loveridge (2014). The judge considered aggravating factors; violent nature, and mitigating factors; offender’s display of remorse, disadvantaged background. On appeal, the sentence was doubled to a non-parole period of 10 years, reflecting the need for retribution to ensure a just outcome for the victim. A media article ‘Thomas Kelly Death was Never Murder’ (SMH 2014), described this as “trial by media”. This case highlights the controversy surrounding VIS, as the CJS struggles to balance the demands from the victim, with just outcomes for the accused. As put by Justice Ron Howie, “Judges have to remind the public they do not sentence for the victim, but for the community.” Only then can justice be achieved on a more consistent basis. Not much evaluation here, more content than anything else. You've also (I've just realised) not been integrating the stimulus!

Appeals are a means of ‘ensuring justice is done in all the extraordinary variety of circumstances of individual offences and individual offenders’. However, in the case R v AEM; KEM; MM (2002), the Crown appealed to the Criminal Court of Appeal against the leniency of a sentence given for a serious case of aggravated sexual assault in company. On appeal, the original sentences where more than doubled, from five and six, to 13 and 14 years’ imprisonment. Thus, ineffectiveness rises when there has been a failure to achieve justice the first time round, putting financial pressure on courts and being time consuming. Further ineffectiveness can be seen in R v Leung (2009, 2011 and 2013), where the defendant was tried three times for the same crime and was found not-guilty the first two times, wasting the CJS’s resources. You need proper judgements at the start and end of your paragraphs - Are appeals effective or ineffective when considered holistically? In between the two? Exploring either side is definitely okay but you want to make sure the marker knows that you aren't just rambling and throwing content and LCM's without consideration, which is sort of what this seems like. It needs more structure and purpose!

Penalties achieve justice by upholding community values and demonstrating enforcement of the law, and vary with respect to a judge’s discretion. Sort of have a judgement here, but not the most obvious - Try to make it a more obvious part of all of your introductions! Fines; (Section 17) Crimes (Sentencing Procedure) Act 1999, are appropriate for strict liability or regulatory offences, resource-efficient, and raise revenue for governments to use in other areas. Nice considerations, but I'd still like a more obvious judgement (either now or after you delve into disadvantages. However as a ‘specific’ deterrent, fines disadvantage particular demographics, thus promoting institutionalised inequity. Furthermore, imprisonment accounts for a large portion of the CJS’s ineffectiveness. Why? This feels a little like a standalone statement, perhaps adding a statement like "especially in dealing with ________," to flow into the next part of the argument. Cohesion is important! The NSW Department of Juvenile Justice spends 48% of their budget keeping young offenders in custody, but no link has been found with decreased recidivism. Great! Just finish with "thus demonstrating the ineffectiveness of juvenile detention," for example, again it is all about obvious judgements! 27% of Australia’s prisoners are Indigenous, but Indigenous Australians make up only 3% of our total population. So? Link this to a judgement explicitly! Therefore, the over-representation in Indigenous incarceration accounts for great ineffectiveness as “Nearly 20 years after a Royal Commission into black deaths in custody recommended jail be used as a last resort, the proportion of indigenous prisoners has doubled.” Locking Out Rehabilitation (SMH 2009).

In involving a wider spectrum of interested people into the decision-making process, diversionary programs are successful alternatives to traditional modes of sentencing. The Magistrate’s Early Referral into Treatment (MERIT) programme breaks the cycle of drug abuse and crime by addressing underlying mental health and social welfare issues. BOCSAR (2009) found that within 12 months, reoffending dropped from 49% to 35%. Nice -
 This was effective, and here's my proof. Simple. Good work. Conversely, the programme reduces personal accountability by focusing more on the causes of criminality rather than impacts. Circle sentencing is an alternative court for sentencing adult indigenous Australians where guilt is openly admitted. As making it meaningful by inviting community members and elders to take part in the sentencing process, recidivism rates and Aboriginal confidence in the criminal justice system improves. The Young Offenders Act 1997 allows referrals to Youth Justice Conferences. Make sure you are evaluating these alternative methods, not just stating what they are! However, Dr Don Weatherburn indicated that this alternative is no more effective than the NSW Children’s Court in reducing juvenile recidivism; “Those who participate in YJC’s find the experience very rewarding, but we may need to look elsewhere for programs that reduce the risk of juvenile reoffending.” Nice inclusion of quote. Ultimately, these alternative methods of sentencing are seen as coinciding, not replacing traditional forms of sentencing, and play a significant role in achieving greater equality, fairness and access within the sentencing and punishment process. Nice concluding sentence - The argument in this paragraph was quite strong, simple and direct - Good work!

In assessing the implications of post-sentencing considerations in achieving justice, the consequences of these decisions must be examined. In Police v Power (2007), the protective custody of Patrick Power, deputy DPP of NSW, failed to serve justice. Having been found in possession of child pornography and sentenced 15 months, Power only served 8 as he had been responsible for putting some of his fellow inmates in prison. Be sure to fully wrap up this thought with an evaluation - Was it an effective decision? Preventative detention as seen with the Terrorism (Police Powers) Act 2016 NSW, issues police the ability to detain and question terror suspects for 14 days without charge. Although effective in protecting the community, the rights of the individual are undermined. More specific? Under the Child Protection (Offenders Registration) Act 2000 (NSW), released sexual offenders against children are put on the Australian National Child Offender Register (ANCOR) for at least 8 years. Ineffectiveness is seen with the push to remove young offender ‘sexters’ from this list, as rehabilitation and reintegration into the community is the primary goal. This is seen in a media article from 2016; “Issues of sex-texting for your offenders under review”. Be sure your paragraphs have a proper conclusion.

Sentencing and punishment emphasises the limitations in achieving a reasonable and effective balance between the rights of the suspects, the accused and the community. These examples reveal that when one person’s rights are respected, another’s are infringed upon. While to some extent balance is achieved, this balance is not always entirely effective.

Comments:

- As you've mentioned, far too long for use in an exam scenario - You'll need to cut back for use in the HSC! ;D
- You've not incorporated the quote in your essay - If presented with a quote in an exam scenario it MUST form a big part of your argument. It should be paraphrased or otherwise referenced in your intro and used throughout the response as well ;D
- You've got a fantastic body of evidence - Lots of laws, cases, media, stats and reports. Excellent work, I bet the research took ages! What I'm looking for is doing more with the evidence. Right now you are giving me a lot of $2 cheeseburgers - You've got the evidence and sometimes a bit of evaluation, but often it is a little quick. Instead, focus on giving me a few Big Macs, a few bits of evidence analysed in detail with an explicit judgement. However...
- Don't fall into regurgitating content! The marker is a Legal Studies expert, they know the terminology and they know the laws. You should only ever give the bare minimum of detail for your argument to make sense.

My comments throughout should cover the rest of my thoughts - It's a strong essay! Everything you would want to include evidence-wise is there. It just needs a little polish :)

Thank you so much for such detailed feedback, I really appreciate it!

I don't think I properly explained it earlier but this was a hand in assessment task and we were required to talk about mitigating/aggravating etc. thats why some weaker things were included. I completely understand everything else you are saying and I agree. Ill start using my evidence in a more focused way because at the moment i think i was sort of approaching it a bit like english where you build it up like that.

Thank you
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 24, 2017, 10:10:52 am
Quote from: claudiarosaliaa on July 20, 2017, 11:39:46 am
Ahhh what a shame! That's okay any feedback is appreciated! I'll take a look at the one you've just marked and further refine my essay. If you could have a quick skim over it once it is down that would be awesome! THANK YOU SO MUCH :)

Here is my revised essay with all your feedback! I'm worried there isn't enough LCMID, but it is just under 800 words so I'm not sure what to do. Thank you so much again!

Hey Claudia! That's okay, some quick comments based on a quick read (I've tried to completely forget about my previous comments and look with fresh eyes):

- Introduction works well, a little short perhaps but it does do what it needs to do. Good work. Could spend another sentence fleshing out your main idea.
- First paragraph is brilliant. Nice variety of evidence, though I'd like to see the general references to anti terrorism legislation replaced with a formal reference to a specific law, and the SMH article title/date referenced properly too. Arguments are made clear - Make sure you directly use phrases from the question (LAW REFORM) in your conclusion to be clear you have answered question.
- Ditto in the second paragraph, what were the measures specifically implemented? Like, the actual law change or policy report (etc)? Specific reference is always preferred.
- Third paragraph is excellent, great variety of evidence and a clever argument developed. A couple of places that might need to be reworded for expression issues.
- Be sure your conclusion matches your introduction - Is it partially effective or entirely ineffective?

It's incredible to see how much reading the feedback on another essay was able to improve this one so drastically. The judgement is much clearer, the evidence is used much more effectively - Amazing work Claudia, definite Band 6 material here in my opinion ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Mary_a on July 24, 2017, 11:02:40 am
Hi Jamon,

I just wanted to say thank you so much for marking my Human Rights Essay last term! I got it back, and received 19/20 which was the highest, so I'm pretty happy!

Thank you again,

Mary
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 24, 2017, 12:03:04 pm

Quote from: Mary_a on July 24, 2017, 11:02:40 am
Hi Jamon,

I just wanted to say thank you so much for marking my Human Rights Essay last term! I got it back, and received 19/20 which was the highest, so I'm pretty happy!

Thank you again,

Mary

So great to hear!! You are very welcome, glad I could help!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 26, 2017, 05:36:25 pm
Hey all, in 48 hours from now we will be locking these marking threads for the trial period. The two main reasons being, we want to be able to help lots of students in the time it takes to mark an essay/creative (usually 30-45 minutes at least) while lots of students need the help during trials, and also because feedback becomes less constructive with minimal time until the exam because we want to avoid panicking you with big changes, so the feedback isn't as worthwhile for you.

Not to fear - you still have 48 hours to post your work and we will get to marking them even after the threads are locked (if there's backlog).

We'll still be here to help you during the trials with all of our Q+A threads, downloadable notes, and so on. Thanks for understanding! We're still here to help on all of the boards that aren't marking threads! :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: georgiia on July 26, 2017, 06:58:04 pm
Hi, I spoke to you at your SOR lecture in the holidays and you had said that you predicted that law reform may be asked and I'm doing CSSA next week which you had said try to predict the HSC Q's. So here's a Law reform essay I put together. Thank You!!!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 29, 2017, 02:15:46 pm
Quote from: georgiia on July 26, 2017, 06:58:04 pm
Hi, I spoke to you at your SOR lecture in the holidays and you had said that you predicted that law reform may be asked and I'm doing CSSA next week which you had said try to predict the HSC Q's. So here's a Law reform essay I put together. Thank You!!!

Hey georgiia! Happy to give some feedback - Great initiative ;D

Essay With Feedback
Law reform, the process whereby existing laws are examined and amendments are applied, increases access to justice for individuals and for society. Great intro! The definition of law reform isn't strictly necessary. Justice is achieved on a more consistent basis when the law reflects society’s ethical standards. Cool! I'd almost prefer this FIRST, before you talk about law reform, kind of like a context/justification. Thus, to assess the role of law reform in achieving justice for the offender, the victim and for society, a judgement must be made on the degree to which the law is reflective of contemporary values and responsive to the needs of society. Fantastic introduction, blends ideas together nicely. What is missing is the judgement you will make - That needs to be here. Effective? Ineffective? Somewhere in between?

In cases of sexual assault, the law must encourage severe punishment to reflect society’s heightened level of denunciation associated with these crimes. Make your judgement clear - Has reform been effective in this area? In R v AEM (Snr); R v KEM; R v MM (2001), the accused sexually assaulted two female minors and threatened the use of violence and death. Having been originally handed a sentence to 6 years imprisonment for aggravated sexual assault, public outcry compelled the gov. to amend the Crimes Act 1900 (NSW). These sentences are about case details rather than the reform itself - Condense it into a single sentence to give yourself more room. Through law reform, aggravated sexual assault in company was introduced under the Crimes Amendment (Aggravated Sexual Assault on Company) Act 2001 (NSW). This promoted judicial discretion in the sentencing process. Discretion is essential to justice as it enables transparency and a case-by-case approach. Thus, this case of law reform achieved justice for the victims as the offenders served a lengthy prison sentence in retribution for their actions. I think you've spent too long analysing this single piece of evidence. You could easily do everything you just did in a single sentence if you trim the stuff you don't need. The Crimes Amendment (Aggravated Sexual Assault in Company) Act 2001 (NSW) demonstrates an effective reform of legislation to reflect public opinion, in this case the response to the case R v AEM.... That does almost the same thing. Likewise, justice was achieved for society who may feel safe and protected from further breaches of the law. Be sure to mention law reform in the conclusion to prove you are on track.

Although the role of law reform is to reflect community values so society’s standard of justice may be achieved, challenges arise when attempting to balance conflicting interests. When determining whether to put the demands of victim over the best interests of the offender, it is the role of law reform to take into account all positions to balance justice within the parties of the CJS. This feels a bit iffy structurally, your previous paragraph was on sexual assault but this seems to be on just conflicting interests in general? Not really sure if it fits. In R v Singh (2012), the accused argued that he had been provoked to kill because of his suspicions of infidelity on the part of his wife under. Unnecessary detail since you mention the defence next. He used the defence of ‘provocation’  under the Crimes Act 1900 which as a partial defence to murder, results in a conviction of manslaughter. Don't explain the concepts you are introducing, the marker will know this! The jury accepted this defence and Singh was sentenced with 6. Incomplete sentence? This ignited concern surrounding provocation as a defence in cases of male-perpetrated intimate homicide, particularly with regard to its role in partially legitimating lethal domestic violence. One view held by a 2013 SMH opinion piece “Time to act - provocation must be rejected as an excuse for murder”, argued that it promoted a culture of blaming the victim. Nice use of media. In response to media outrage and parliamentarian advocacy, the NSW parliament passed the Crimes Amendment (Provocation) Bill 2014 (NSW). It has taken WAY too long to get to the reform itself - The buildup needs to be as quick as possible since the reform is the focus. This sought to restrict the operation of ‘provocation’ by replacing it with the more limited defence of ‘extreme provocation’. The Reverend the Hon. F. J. Nile’s response accounted for the fine line in balancing justice for all areas of the CJS; “the bill strikes a careful and appropriate balance between restricting the defence and leaving it available for victims of extreme provocation, including victims of long term abuse.” Thus, law reform must not only reflect the often conflicting interests of society, but must respond to the changing values and concerns within society in order to achieve justice for the CJS. Make your judgement obvious in the conclusion - Was it effective or was it not effective, somewhere in between?

In order to achieve justice, law reform must respond to issues of injustice as they develop, and overcome problems that occur in legal cases and events to better align with the concerns of society. This doesn't seem THAT different to your previous paragraph. The option for bail is paramount to achieving justice for the CJS as it upholds the presumption of innocence until proven guilty. Make it clear earlier that this is a Bail paragraph. It is the conflicting interests of justice for the accused and the safety of society that make this area of the law particularly controversial and subject to the need of reform. Thus, in 2013, the NSW Parliament passed the Bail Act 2013 to replace the Bail Act 1978 (NSW). The new act was drawn with the intention that it would promote equitable access to justice by being easier to understand, and would compel consistency in the decision-making process with regard to discretion. Was it effective in achieving this? Make the judgement clear. By requiring bail authorities to apply an ‘unacceptable risk’ test, the amendment puts it to the discretion of the police and the courts to assess on a case-by-case basis whether that specific person may “fail to appear in any proceedings for the offence, commit a serious offence endanger the safety of victims, individuals or the community, or interfere with witnesses or evidence”. In response to the coronial inquest in regards to Mon Manis and the 2014 Martin Place Siege the Bail Amendment Act (2015) was passed. The reformed laws mean that it is even more difficult for people with links to violent extremists to be granted bail when charged with serious criminal offences. Again, is this an effective change? You include a quote from Mike Baird but what is YOUR assessment? Mike Baird argued that the amendment would assist to achieve justice for the CJC through ensuring that “except in the most exceptional circumstances, anyone with links to terrorism or violent extremism, including returned foreign fighters, will be refused bail.” With primary role being to weigh just outcomes for the accused alongside justice for the  community, law reform struggles to secure a balance in terms of protecting the community without undermining individual rights for the presumption of innocence.

Having closely examined contemporary cases of law reform, it is clear that balancing the interests of the victim, the offender and society in such a way that access to justice is spread equally between these three parties, remains the fundamental purpose of law reform in achieving justice for the CJS. The examples explored have demonstrated that law reform must not only reflect the sometimes divergent interests of the community, but must actively respond to the needs of society. Thus, law reform is essential if the law is to remain relevant in this rapidly changing society. Good conclusion, but still missing the judgement - You've been asked to assess, you MUST assess!

Good essay! You've included some excellent contemporary examples of law reform. But you aren't quite judging these yet, you are more just recounting the law reform process and implying a judgement. You need to be clear, "This is an EFFECTIVE example of law reform..." or similar. Don't let quotes and media do the judgement for you. You'll also want to try and include more examples by trimming on unnecessary detail - I included some comments throughout which indicate what I mean by that ;D

Great work Georgiia! This is a great start to responding to what is a really difficult question ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: katie,rinos on August 04, 2017, 09:12:25 pm
Hey Jamon/Elyse,
I have my legal trial next Wednesday and was wondering if you could look through one of my practice essays for consumers. We are having two essays for consumers in our exams because we haven't finished family law yet so consumers is worth 50%-which is huge! I'm a bit worried with some of my judgements? Also, should I include more successful/effective ways? Can you help me improve my thesis-I think it needs to be a little bit stronger? My essay is only about 750 words-should I include more in an exam? How many words average should it be?
Thanks so much!! I have sent this to my teacher but any help is really appreciated!
Spoiler
2014 Independent paper
To what extent does consumer law reflect the values and ethical standards of society.
Consumer law is slightly ineffective in reflecting the values and ethical standards of society. This is seen through the protection of consumer’s rights when purchasing and using a product, product certification, credit law and safety. The law is effective in providing refunds and recalls to consumers who receive faulty products and in prosecuting businesses that do not follow the credit laws. However the law is unsuccessful in clearly defining what the labels ‘organic’ and ‘free range’ are and therefore confusing consumers.Mandatory reporting is also slightly unsuccessful as it relies on businesses being honest and can result in many injuries before being reported.

Consumer law attempts to reflect the values of society through the protection of consumer’s rights when purchasing and using a product. The Australian consumer law 2010, acknowledges that consumers should have products that are fit for their intended purpose, free from defects, safe, and acceptable in appearance and finish. This law requires businesses to give refunds to products that do not work, and recall those that have significant safety issues.This can be seen through the recall of Takata airbags in 2017, as they were faulty causing many injuries and deaths. Therefore, the Australian consumer law, has been successful in reflecting consumer’s values through the enforcement and protection of consumer rights.

Another issue that is somewhat ineffective in protecting the ethical standards of society is that of product certification. The issue of organic produce can be very confusing for consumers as there isn’t one clear definition on what organic really means. Peter Kell, from the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission (ACCC), states that there is ‘no neat, definitive approach to every aspect of organic’. There are eight different certifiers for organic produce in Australia and they all abide by different standards. Australian consumer law s lacking in this area as products that are not certified can still use the words ‘organic’, ‘fresh’ and ‘natural’ in their labelling. This is similarly seen through ‘free range’ eggs where the label can have a number of different meanings. They also have a number of different certification boards with their own standards. The consumer NGO, Choice published an article in May 2017, arguing the need for mandatory certification and labelling as consumers are being mislead about what a free range egg really is. In addition to this, Choice has made an app, free-range egg buying guide and lobbied the government for a national code. This further reinforces the ineffectiveness of the law in reflecting consumer values as there is much confusion on the issue of product certification.

Credit law and payday loans are somewhat effective in reflecting the values of society. This is evidenced when ASIC forced the payday lending company Cash Converters to pay $12 million following a probe into illegal business practises. ASIC gave the business 30 infringement notices under the credit act as they had ‘failed to asses small amount loans as unsuitable’ and then entered into these loans. The article Calls for Stricter payday lending laws (SMH, 2015), argues that there needs to be a ‘push for tighter protections to be introduced’. It also states that the ‘2013 payday lending legislation was “horrendously complicated”’ and that the laws needed to be simplified. Therefore, credit law only somewhat reflects consumer values as it can be enforced but has complicated legislation that is difficult to understand.

Safety is also a slightly ineffective issue in reflecting the ethical standards of society as it is often based on the integrity and honesty of a business. The article, ‘Thermomix feels burn of ACCC case’ (Daily telegraph, 2017), argues the ineffectiveness of mandatory sentencing in providing safe products for consumers. The company, Thermomix forced consumers to sign gag orders and was 1200 days late in advising the safety advisors of the faulty product. In that time, the product had burned 14 users. Choice exposed the scale of this by revealing that the faulty product had led to at least 87 different incidents. This further reiterates the ineffectiveness of consumer law in reflecting the ethical issue of safety due to the lack of honesty in mandatory sentencing.

Therefore, consumer law is slightly ineffective in reflecting the ethical standards of society through enforcement and protection of rights when purchasing and using a product, product certification, safety, and credit law. This is because there is no clear definition of ‘organic’ or ‘free range’, and mandatory sentencing is reliant on the integrity and honesty of businesses. However, consumer law is able to provide refunds, recalls and replacements of faulty products and force companies to pay significant fines and hand infringement notices.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 07, 2017, 10:36:29 am
Quote from: katie,rinos on August 04, 2017, 09:12:25 pm
Hey Jamon/Elyse,
I have my legal trial next Wednesday and was wondering if you could look through one of my practice essays for consumers. We are having two essays for consumers in our exams because we haven't finished family law yet so consumers is worth 50%-which is huge! I'm a bit worried with some of my judgements? Also, should I include more successful/effective ways? Can you help me improve my thesis-I think it needs to be a little bit stronger? My essay is only about 750 words-should I include more in an exam? How many words average should it be?
Thanks so much!! I have sent this to my teacher but any help is really appreciated!

Hey Katie! I didn't study consumers, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but hopefully this helps! ;D

Spoiler
To what extent does consumer law reflect the values and ethical standards of society.
Consumer law is slightly ineffective in reflecting the values and ethical standards of society. I'd like you to elaborate on 'slightly ineffective' a little bit, what sort of factors are you considering? This is seen through the protection of consumer’s rights when purchasing and using a product, product certification, credit law and safety. The law is effective in providing refunds and recalls to consumers who receive faulty products and in prosecuting businesses that do not follow the credit laws. However the law is unsuccessful in clearly defining what the labels ‘organic’ and ‘free range’ are and therefore confusing consumers. Mandatory reporting is also slightly unsuccessful as it relies on businesses being honest and can result in many injuries before being reported. Solid introduction, lays out your points clearly, but I'm not 100% sure whether you've linked these things to "values and ethical standards" quite enough to have answered the question properly. Right now it feels like you mention it initially and then it is forgotten a little bit?

Consumer law attempts to reflect the values of society through the protection of consumer’s rights when purchasing and using a product. Make a more specific judgement here - Are they succesful in this attempt? The Australian consumer law 2010, acknowledges that consumers should have products that are fit for their intended purpose, free from defects, safe, and acceptable in appearance and finish. Ensure your references to legislation take the proper format, with the year and the jurisdiction. This law requires businesses to give refunds to products that do not work, and recall those that have significant safety issues. Fair enough, but not super necessary to delve into the specifics of the law - Focus more on the example and the evaluation that follows. This can be seen through the recall of Takata airbags in 2017, as they were faulty causing many injuries and deaths. Therefore, the Australian consumer law, has been successful in reflecting consumer’s values through the enforcement and protection of consumer rights. The evidence in this paragraph is a little shaky, a little bit more than a law and a case would be excellent if you can. Any stats on how many claims or how effective the law has been on a wider scale?

Another issue that is somewhat ineffective in protecting the ethical standards of society is that of product certification. Watch your wording, issues aren't ineffective, it is the RESPONSE to the issues that is ineffective. The issue of organic produce can be very confusing for consumers as there isn’t one clear definition on what organic really means. Peter Kell, from the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission (ACCC), states that there is ‘no neat, definitive approach to every aspect of organic’. There are eight different certifiers for organic produce in Australia and they all abide by different standards. Australian consumer law s lacking in this area as products that are not certified can still use the words ‘organic’, ‘fresh’ and ‘natural’ in their labelling. This example is taking a little long to get into - Delving into specifics isn't going to get you marks, the examiner doesn't care what organic actually means! This is similarly seen through ‘free range’ eggs where the label can have a number of different meanings. They also have a number of different certification boards with their own standards. The consumer NGO, Choice published an article in May 2017, arguing the need for mandatory certification and labelling as consumers are being mislead about what a free range egg really is. In addition to this, Choice has made an app, free-range egg buying guide and lobbied the government for a national code. This further reinforces the ineffectiveness of the law in reflecting consumer values as there is much confusion on the issue of product certification. This paragraph is limited in its effectiveness because there isn't a whole lot of reference to the actual legal response to product certification - More just an explanation of WHY it is an issue, if that makes sense?

Credit law and payday loans are somewhat effective in reflecting the values of society. This is evidenced when ASIC forced the payday lending company Cash Converters to pay $12 million following a probe into illegal business practises. Ensure you don't use any abbreviations before using the full name at least once. ASIC gave the business 30 infringement notices under the credit act as they had ‘failed to asses small amount loans as unsuitable’ and then entered into these loans. What act are you referencing here specifically? Ensure you reference it properly The article Calls for Stricter payday lending laws (SMH, 2015), argues that there needs to be a ‘push for tighter protections to be introduced’. It also states that the ‘2013 payday lending legislation was “horrendously complicated”’ and that the laws needed to be simplified. This is an excellent quote, but it would be MORE effective if you had brought up the specific laws it is discussing yourself, and said, "Right, these are ineffective. This media article agrees with me.", rather than letting it do the work for you. Therefore, credit law only somewhat reflects consumer values as it can be enforced but has complicated legislation that is difficult to understand.

Safety is also a slightly ineffective issue in reflecting the ethical standards of society as it is often based on the integrity and honesty of a business. The article, ‘Thermomix feels burn of ACCC case’ (Daily telegraph, 2017), argues the ineffectiveness of mandatory sentencing in providing safe products for consumers. Love how contemporary your examples are, excellent job there. The company, Thermomix forced consumers to sign gag orders and was 1200 days late in advising the safety advisors of the faulty product. In that time, the product had burned 14 users. Choice exposed the scale of this by revealing that the faulty product had led to at least 87 different incidents. This further reiterates the ineffectiveness of consumer law in reflecting the ethical issue of safety due to the lack of honesty in mandatory sentencing.

Therefore, consumer law is slightly ineffective in reflecting the ethical standards of society through enforcement and protection of rights when purchasing and using a product, product certification, safety, and credit law. This is because there is no clear definition of ‘organic’ or ‘free range’, and mandatory sentencing is reliant on the integrity and honesty of businesses. However, consumer law is able to provide refunds, recalls and replacements of faulty products and force companies to pay significant fines and hand infringement notices.

This is a cool essay Katie, love your contemporary examples and extensive reference to media to support your arguments. Excellent work there. I think your judgement is clear most of the way through, it is how you are backing up those arguments that is a little lacking for me. Ensure you are referencing laws in the proper format, and ensure you aren't using media articles to do the arguing for you. Make the judgement yourself, then reference the media article as further support to that argument. I'm not sure exactly what is available to you in Consumers, but I feel there is a bit too much detail where you don't need it (particularly the paragraph on free range) - Aim to be concise and include more and more varied examples ;D

In terms of your Thesis, I think the weakness is the link to moral and ethical standards. What does it mean to uphold them? What is the link between your points and the question? This needs to be stronger to me.

A 750 word essay is definitely on the low end for the HSC, for an essay of this length you'll really need to pack in the evidence and remove redundant information. Aiming for a few more words by the time the HSC rolls around would be good, I think :)

Hope this helps! Good luck for Wednesday ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: katie,rinos on August 07, 2017, 12:33:48 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on August 07, 2017, 10:36:29 am
Hey Katie! I didn't study consumers, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but hopefully this helps! ;D

Spoiler
To what extent does consumer law reflect the values and ethical standards of society.
Consumer law is slightly ineffective in reflecting the values and ethical standards of society. I'd like you to elaborate on 'slightly ineffective' a little bit, what sort of factors are you considering? This is seen through the protection of consumer’s rights when purchasing and using a product, product certification, credit law and safety. The law is effective in providing refunds and recalls to consumers who receive faulty products and in prosecuting businesses that do not follow the credit laws. However the law is unsuccessful in clearly defining what the labels ‘organic’ and ‘free range’ are and therefore confusing consumers. Mandatory reporting is also slightly unsuccessful as it relies on businesses being honest and can result in many injuries before being reported. Solid introduction, lays out your points clearly, but I'm not 100% sure whether you've linked these things to "values and ethical standards" quite enough to have answered the question properly. Right now it feels like you mention it initially and then it is forgotten a little bit?

Consumer law attempts to reflect the values of society through the protection of consumer’s rights when purchasing and using a product. Make a more specific judgement here - Are they succesful in this attempt? The Australian consumer law 2010, acknowledges that consumers should have products that are fit for their intended purpose, free from defects, safe, and acceptable in appearance and finish. Ensure your references to legislation take the proper format, with the year and the jurisdiction. This law requires businesses to give refunds to products that do not work, and recall those that have significant safety issues. Fair enough, but not super necessary to delve into the specifics of the law - Focus more on the example and the evaluation that follows. This can be seen through the recall of Takata airbags in 2017, as they were faulty causing many injuries and deaths. Therefore, the Australian consumer law, has been successful in reflecting consumer’s values through the enforcement and protection of consumer rights. The evidence in this paragraph is a little shaky, a little bit more than a law and a case would be excellent if you can. Any stats on how many claims or how effective the law has been on a wider scale?

Another issue that is somewhat ineffective in protecting the ethical standards of society is that of product certification. Watch your wording, issues aren't ineffective, it is the RESPONSE to the issues that is ineffective. The issue of organic produce can be very confusing for consumers as there isn’t one clear definition on what organic really means. Peter Kell, from the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission (ACCC), states that there is ‘no neat, definitive approach to every aspect of organic’. There are eight different certifiers for organic produce in Australia and they all abide by different standards. Australian consumer law s lacking in this area as products that are not certified can still use the words ‘organic’, ‘fresh’ and ‘natural’ in their labelling. This example is taking a little long to get into - Delving into specifics isn't going to get you marks, the examiner doesn't care what organic actually means! This is similarly seen through ‘free range’ eggs where the label can have a number of different meanings. They also have a number of different certification boards with their own standards. The consumer NGO, Choice published an article in May 2017, arguing the need for mandatory certification and labelling as consumers are being mislead about what a free range egg really is. In addition to this, Choice has made an app, free-range egg buying guide and lobbied the government for a national code. This further reinforces the ineffectiveness of the law in reflecting consumer values as there is much confusion on the issue of product certification. This paragraph is limited in its effectiveness because there isn't a whole lot of reference to the actual legal response to product certification - More just an explanation of WHY it is an issue, if that makes sense?

Credit law and payday loans are somewhat effective in reflecting the values of society. This is evidenced when ASIC forced the payday lending company Cash Converters to pay $12 million following a probe into illegal business practises. Ensure you don't use any abbreviations before using the full name at least once. ASIC gave the business 30 infringement notices under the credit act as they had ‘failed to asses small amount loans as unsuitable’ and then entered into these loans. What act are you referencing here specifically? Ensure you reference it properly The article Calls for Stricter payday lending laws (SMH, 2015), argues that there needs to be a ‘push for tighter protections to be introduced’. It also states that the ‘2013 payday lending legislation was “horrendously complicated”’ and that the laws needed to be simplified. This is an excellent quote, but it would be MORE effective if you had brought up the specific laws it is discussing yourself, and said, "Right, these are ineffective. This media article agrees with me.", rather than letting it do the work for you. Therefore, credit law only somewhat reflects consumer values as it can be enforced but has complicated legislation that is difficult to understand.

Safety is also a slightly ineffective issue in reflecting the ethical standards of society as it is often based on the integrity and honesty of a business. The article, ‘Thermomix feels burn of ACCC case’ (Daily telegraph, 2017), argues the ineffectiveness of mandatory sentencing in providing safe products for consumers. Love how contemporary your examples are, excellent job there. The company, Thermomix forced consumers to sign gag orders and was 1200 days late in advising the safety advisors of the faulty product. In that time, the product had burned 14 users. Choice exposed the scale of this by revealing that the faulty product had led to at least 87 different incidents. This further reiterates the ineffectiveness of consumer law in reflecting the ethical issue of safety due to the lack of honesty in mandatory sentencing.

Therefore, consumer law is slightly ineffective in reflecting the ethical standards of society through enforcement and protection of rights when purchasing and using a product, product certification, safety, and credit law. This is because there is no clear definition of ‘organic’ or ‘free range’, and mandatory sentencing is reliant on the integrity and honesty of businesses. However, consumer law is able to provide refunds, recalls and replacements of faulty products and force companies to pay significant fines and hand infringement notices.

This is a cool essay Katie, love your contemporary examples and extensive reference to media to support your arguments. Excellent work there. I think your judgement is clear most of the way through, it is how you are backing up those arguments that is a little lacking for me. Ensure you are referencing laws in the proper format, and ensure you aren't using media articles to do the arguing for you. Make the judgement yourself, then reference the media article as further support to that argument. I'm not sure exactly what is available to you in Consumers, but I feel there is a bit too much detail where you don't need it (particularly the paragraph on free range) - Aim to be concise and include more and more varied examples ;D

In terms of your Thesis, I think the weakness is the link to moral and ethical standards. What does it mean to uphold them? What is the link between your points and the question? This needs to be stronger to me.

A 750 word essay is definitely on the low end for the HSC, for an essay of this length you'll really need to pack in the evidence and remove redundant information. Aiming for a few more words by the time the HSC rolls around would be good, I think :)

Hope this helps! Good luck for Wednesday ;D
Hey Jamon,
Thanks so much for the feedback! It's been incredibly helpful! Hopefully, I can remember all my evidence for Wednesday! :)
With my thesis what do you mean by 'what sort of factors am I considering'? What do you mean by include more varied examples-what stuff should I try to include? How many words were your option essays? Should I try to include another paragraph or elaborate more on some of my paragraphs? Should I increase the words for Wednesday?
Thanks again! :D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 07, 2017, 01:35:07 pm

Quote from: katie,rinos on August 07, 2017, 12:33:48 pm
Hey Jamon,
Thanks so much for the feedback! It's been incredibly helpful! Hopefully, I can remember all my evidence for Wednesday! :)
With my thesis what do you mean by 'what sort of factors am I considering'? What do you mean by include more varied examples-what stuff should I try to include? How many words were your option essays? Should I try to include another paragraph or elaborate more on some of my paragraphs? Should I increase the words for Wednesday?
Thanks again! :D

So, when you say it is ineffective, what IS ineffective to you? How are you judging that, what are your criteria? You'll likely be linking this to ethical standards but it could also be to do with accessibility, enforceability, etc - You need to clarify this to link to the question more effectively.

For your examples, you could try some statistics? Inquiries and parliamentary reports? You've got a lot of "this was the case and this is what happened" with media articles to support, and not a heap of anything else. I'm not familiar with consumers so maybe this is normal but it strikes me as a weakness.

My option essays were probably about 1000 words in exams - You can increase your length either by expanding each paragraph or adding another if you have another point to cover, your choice! Do whatever feels right especially with your exam so close, stick with what you are comfortable with ☺ or you might choose to just stick with what you have for Wednesday and try something longer for the HSC, whatever you are comfortable with!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: kiiaaa on August 19, 2017, 03:29:10 pm
Hello!

I've been looking at past essay questions on world order and i was sort of struggling with these three
-Explain the role of nation states in achieving world order
-Discuss how the nature of conflict provides challenges for achieving world order
-Discuss how state sovereignty can assist or impede the resolution of world order issues

could you please help me in what points should i discuss in these essays please as im super duper lost.

thank you very much! really appreciate your help :) :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on August 19, 2017, 09:11:07 pm
Quote from: kiiaaa on August 19, 2017, 03:29:10 pm
Hello!

I've been looking at past essay questions on world order and i was sort of struggling with these three
-Explain the role of nation states in achieving world order
-Discuss how the nature of conflict provides challenges for achieving world order
-Discuss how state sovereignty can assist or impede the resolution of world order issues

could you please help me in what points should i discuss in these essays please as im super duper lost.

thank you very much! really appreciate your help :) :)
'

Hey there! With the first one, state sovereignty would be at the crux of my response! Talking about cooperation, the means of achieving cooperation, the problems when states do not cooperate, and so on. I'd be very happy with this question :)

For the second question I'd be taking a similar approach in terms of making state sovereignty a central argument. Conflict between values, armed conflict, nuclear conflict, colonial conflict - all of this comes from state sovereignty being exercised or maybe even challenged.

And the last one - a similar theme. How does the UN engage with encouraging state cooperation? How does the international community deal with states that are "rogue?" How does the P5 work? Also consider R2P! :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: kiiaaa on August 19, 2017, 11:13:28 pm
Quote from: elysepopplewell on August 19, 2017, 09:11:07 pm
'

Hey there! With the first one, state sovereignty would be at the crux of my response! Talking about cooperation, the means of achieving cooperation, the problems when states do not cooperate, and so on. I'd be very happy with this question :)

For the second question I'd be taking a similar approach in terms of making state sovereignty a central argument. Conflict between values, armed conflict, nuclear conflict, colonial conflict - all of this comes from state sovereignty being exercised or maybe even challenged.

And the last one - a similar theme. How does the UN engage with encouraging state cooperation? How does the international community deal with states that are "rogue?" How does the P5 work? Also consider R2P! :)

Ooooohhh those could work really well!

Also im started another essay on "ASSESS THE ROLE OF LAW REFORM IN PROMOTING AND MAINTAINING WORLD ORDER."
and i have pargraphs on
- how the ICC formed from adhoc tribunals
- the formation of the UN from the league of nations and the treaty of westphalia

and i was wondering if you could hlp me on what i should discuss in my third ( which is also my last) paragraph)  is there anyother area that has undergone law reform exclusing contemporary issues as we arents being tested for those and tose arent my strong areas right now?

Thank you sooo soooo much! :)))
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 20, 2017, 01:40:34 am
Quote from: kiiaaa on August 19, 2017, 11:13:28 pm
Ooooohhh those could work really well!

Also im started another essay on "ASSESS THE ROLE OF LAW REFORM IN PROMOTING AND MAINTAINING WORLD ORDER."
and i have pargraphs on
- how the ICC formed from adhoc tribunals
- the formation of the UN from the league of nations and the treaty of westphalia

and i was wondering if you could hlp me on what i should discuss in my third ( which is also my last) paragraph)  is there anyother area that has undergone law reform exclusing contemporary issues as we arents being tested for those and tose arent my strong areas right now?

Thank you sooo soooo much! :)))

Hey! Even though you aren't being assessed on it yet I think Responsibility to Protect is a good one to discuss for law reform. It was 'adopted' by the UN quite recently (2005) and is the new approach to World Order issues, which has semi sort of put state sovereignty in a less pivotal position. Do some Googling on it! You might find it is a nice fit ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: soha.rizvi1 on August 20, 2017, 08:18:23 am
HEY,

I just wrote this world order essay on the State Soveringty, can someone please take a look ?

The role of state sovereignty plays an enormous role in either assisting or impeding the resolution of world order issues. State sovereignty can play a positive role in assisting world order as states have the ability to adopt domestic laws and policies which intentionally support world order irrespective of whether regional or international neighbours agree.  state sovereignty can also significantly impede world order as their decision to develop law or policies to assist world order issues are not dictated by other states or IGO’s, and in the case where a rouge state is not willing to deal with a world order issue in a mutually cooperative way, it cannot be compelled to do so.

State sovereignty holds significant capacity in either assisting or impeding the resolution of order. As recognised under the Montevideo Convention 1993, states meeting the specific criteria such as having a permanent population, defined borders, a stable government and the ability to enter into international agreements, hold absolute jurisdiction over the people, things and events within their country. Along with the 1933 Convention, this concept of State sovereignty is also enshrined within Article 2 ( 7) of the UN Charter, which also acknowledges the independence of states and their corresponding ability to manage their own domestic affairs without being interfered . This non- interference Article 2(7) can become a hindrance to the establishment of world order, as demonstrated through the Rwandan an genocides in which more than 800,000 Tutsi people were killed within 10 days in 2014. However, while demonstrating an impediment to world order, the Article within the UN character does have ability to be undermined in the disturbance of world order, or when a ‘threat to peace’, ‘act of aggression’ or’ breach of peace’ occur.

State sovereignty allows for individual states to both sign and ratify international law especially when they have coinciding ideologies, allowing them to assist in the promotion of world order issues. This was seen in the case of individual states such as Russia and US, signing the Non- Nuclear Proliferation Treaty 1968, which was created after the destructive cold war period. This signing of the treaty by individual states demonstrated the effective employment of State sovereignty as the treaty promoted the reduction of use and spread of nuclear weapons, attempting to reduce the threat of nuclear war within the country and thus promoting world order. Similarly, through the ratification of this treaty, world order is further promoted as it means that individual countries become accountable to the International Atomic Energy Agency, an organisation which ensures the compliance of states towards the treaty.  Therefore, it can be demonstrated that state sovereignty can be of assistance in maintaining world order, however, the contrary can be demonstrated when there is a lack of state will to sign or enforce these international instruments. This was also seen in the case of the Non- Nuclear Proliferation Treaty, where members of the UN such as India and Pakistan did not become signatories to the treaty, and therefore continued to engage in nuclear testing behaviour. This was demonstrated in the Sydney Morning Herald Newspaper Article “Pakistan continued to test Nuclear Weapons,” further demonstrating that international law can act as a hindrance to the maintenance of world order.

Along with this, State sovereignty and its ability to aid in the promotion and enforcement of world order can also be demonstrated when states willingly co-operate with United nations organisations and therefore, provide monetary or military aid to promoting or enforce world order. This was demonstrated in the case of Switzerland and it’s support of the UN MONUSCO (United Nations Organization Stabilization Mission in the Democratic Republic of the Congo.) Support by Switzerland was seen in the form of military Personnel and was aimed at neutralizing all armed groups and military threats within the republic to ensure the maintenance or domestic state and civilian security and world order. However, this approach of state sovereignty is also limited in assisting the maintenance of world order, as it is heavily reliant on state’s will to ensure actions such as these emerge. Therefore, it can be seen that through states assisting organizations such as the UN due to their own discretion, tit can promote and enforce world order.

However, the notion of state sovereignty can also become an impediment to the establishment of world order, as demonstrated through it’s reducing of effectiveness of external intervention by the UN. Sovereign bodies limiting the effectiveness of international mechanisms such as the UN is demonstrated through the veto power held by the five permanent members of the United Nations Security Council. This was seen in the case of the China as a member of the UNSC blocking any effective intervention in the Darfur to stop the Janjaweed from spreading more violence due to their pre-existing political interest in obtaining oil from Sudan. Along with this, state sovereignty reducing the effectiveness of UNSC is demonstrated through states using their independency to avoid being forced to take actions to enforce world order. This was seen in the case of the Gaddafi and his ignoring of the UNSC’s call to uphold the first pillar of the Responsibility to protect and prevent the widespread atrocities towards the population.

Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: kiiaaa on August 20, 2017, 11:11:05 am
Hello,

I have made an essay plan on the question "Examine the role of state sovereignty in assisting and impeding the resolution of world order issues." it doesnt have an introduction/conculstion yet but i was wondering if you could please check my ideas and points i make in my body paragraphs to see if im on the right track in how i answer the question and if my points even make sense especially the last on political will? (the dashes that are underlined and bolded are the main points ill discuss the paragraph)

Thank you very much

-   Treaties
o   State sovereignty can play a crucial factor in the resolution of world order allowing states to enter treaties with free will than political pressure.States can enter treaties with other states without any external force as each nation state can utilize state sovereignty as its means for the decisions its makes which can assists as well as impede the resolution of world order. State sovereignty can ensure cooperation as states willingly enter these treaties demonstrated in the Indus Water Treaty, a bilateral agreement between India and Pakistan been highly successful as despite both states having history of conflicts, state sovereignty has allowed the resolution of world order having allowed both countries to mutually agree on the division of rivers and use of water without any external pressure leading it to be the ‘most successful water sharing endeavors today.’ However state sovereignty can also impeded the resolution of world order in relation to nation states signing treaties as countries aren’t obliged to sign it if it doesn’t meet their interests. This is demonstrated in the time taken by Australia to sign the Kyoto Protocol as it was against its economic interest which impeded the resolution to world order due to the lack of global cooperation. Thus whilst state sovereignty allows nation states to willingly enter treaties which can play a pivotal in assisting world order it can also then impede world order resolutions choose to refrain from signing treaties that don’t meet their self-interests.

-   Limited response of un
o   The limited responses of the UN due to the notion of state sovereignty can severely impede the resolution of world order. As a result of state sovereignty, the international community can provide limited responses when countries commit war crimes against its people or threaten the global peace as they have the right to have unwanted input from the international community regarding conduct and manner. This is demonstrated during the Rwandan genocide, where the UN in fear of breaching state sovereignty was only capable of  sending peace keepers into the country which also had limited capabilities in resolving the conflict within the country. Furthermore, North Korea’s recent nuclear testing has made world order difficult to resolve due to the fact that interference can be considered state sovereignty being impeded. North Korea has utilized State Sovereignty to withdraw its signature from the Nuclear Non-proliferation treaty in 2003 as despite being suspected of building nuclear weaponry, it is difficult for the UN to investigate this matter due to it being a closed and separate state. As a result, the UN carries the capacity to impose sanctions upon the nation banning exports and global assets freeze from nation which also relies on cooperation of other countries to ensure it success. However, countries such as China, who are allies with the North Korea can choose to ignore such sanctions that aim to resolve world order utilizing the principal of state sovereignty. Thus state sovereignty can severely impede the responses the UN can take agsint nations that fail to cooperate in the global aim of resolving world order issues
-   Limited enforceability
o   State sovereignty has resulted in the limited enforceability of international law which severely impeded the resolution of world order. Nation state can utilize their state sovereignty to display their political will in assisting the maintenance of world order. This is evident when Solomon islands which formally requested Australia to intervene in its internal conflict, which was in Australia’s best interest the ‘environment for hostile actors and jeopardize national security” as reported in ‘RAMSI ends with its mission accomplished for Solomon islands. Via RAMSI, Solomon Islands has a low crime rate by global standards and lowest rates of gun in the world, displaying that if countries use state sovereignty to display their political will, globally world order is attainable. However, if the state sovereignty’s decides for the lack of political will to cooperate then it is difficult to attain a resolution for world orders as displayed  by the US Guantanamo Bay which is illegally operating under the 1949 Geneva conventions despite being hard international law. Having be located in Cuba outside of US jurisdiction the prisoners from the war of terror are detained, interrogated and tortured without a trials. Whilst US President Obama promised to shut it down, the international community is powerless to act as there is no political will and they cannot impede state sovereignty. Hence resolutions to world order are highly reliant on state sovereignty displaying political will to address the issues which threaten world order

Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 20, 2017, 11:25:44 am
Quote from: soha.rizvi1 on August 20, 2017, 08:18:23 am
HEY,

I just wrote this world order essay on the State Soveringty, can someone please take a look ?

Hey! Thanks for posting your essay, unfortunately you need 25 posts on the site to qualify for feedback from one of the markers (the limit was increased after Trials). If you post around a bit more I bet you'll get that in no time :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on August 21, 2017, 05:37:43 pm
Quote from: kiiaaa on August 20, 2017, 11:11:05 am
Hello,

I have made an essay plan on the question "Examine the role of state sovereignty in assisting and impeding the resolution of world order issues." it doesnt have an introduction/conculstion yet but i was wondering if you could please check my ideas and points i make in my body paragraphs to see if im on the right track in how i answer the question and if my points even make sense especially the last on political will? (the dashes that are underlined and bolded are the main points ill discuss the paragraph)

Thank you very much

Sure thing! Great initiative Kia :)

Spoiler
-   Treaties
o   State sovereignty can play a crucial factor in the resolution of world order allowing states to enter treaties with free will than political pressure. I know this isn't your final version - but the wording here isn't very clear, and it's also not completely correct. So yes, state sovereignty gives autonomy to states to choose with treaties they enter, but that doesn't mean that they won't be influenced by political pressure as you've stated. So I'd re-word it to say that it gives states the opportunity to enter treaties that suit the interests of their nation. But, a downside could be that the global political sphere is at times full of pressure from different states - either trying to bag themselves the best bargain, or trying to gain cooperation for the greater globe. States can enter treaties with other states without any external force as each nation state can utilize state sovereignty as its means for the decisions its makes which can assists as well as impede the resolution of world order. Just from the "as it means" part, I'm a little confused. "States can enter treaties with other states without having to refer to an impartial body, allowing states to create partnerships on a global level that can assist with maintaining world order." Mayyyybe something like this? I'm not certain it's what you're trying to say. State sovereignty can ensure cooperation as states willingly enter these treaties demonstrated in the Indus Water Treaty, a bilateral agreement between India and Pakistan been highly successful as despite both states having history of conflicts, state sovereignty has allowed the resolution of world order having allowed both countries to mutually agree on the division of rivers and use of water without any external pressure leading it to be the ‘most successful water sharing endeavors today.’ Reference this quote - if it's from someone important then boast it! :) Great example, too. There's a lot of treaties in the world that don't have a whole lot to do with maintaining peace, and you've selected a great treaty that remains a pertinent example for the rest of your essay. Howevercomma, state sovereignty can also impeded  impede* the resolution of world order in relation to nation states signing treaties as countries aren’t obliged to sign it if it doesn’t meet their interests. This is demonstrated in the time taken by Australia to sign the Kyoto Protocol as it was against its economic interest which impeded the resolution to world order due to the lack of global cooperation. Thus whilst state sovereignty allows nation states to willingly enter treaties which can play a pivotal in assisting world order it can also then impede world order resolutions choose to refrain from signing treaties that don’t meet their self-interests. Good one! With the suggested opening sentence I proposed, this balanced approach is great.

-   Limited response of un
o   The limited responses of the UN due to the notion application of...rather than notion. It's not just a notion. of state sovereignty can severely impede the resolution of world order. As a result of state sovereignty, the international community can provide limited responses when countries commit war crimes against its people or threaten the global peace as they have the right to have unwanted input from the international community regarding conduct and manner. This is demonstrated during the Rwandan genocide, where the UN in fear of breaching undermining state sovereignty was only capable of  sending peace keepers into the country which also had limited capabilities in resolving the conflict within the country. Perhaps identify the name of the resolution in Rwanda...I can't remember it off the top of my head but I'm fairly certain there was a title given to it...I remember it from the movie Hotel Rwanda...sorry I can't think of the name. It might be a number like Resolution ####. Furthermore, North Korea’s recent nuclear testing has made world order difficult to resolve due to the fact that interference can be considered state sovereignty being impeded. North Korea has utilized State Sovereignty to withdraw its signature from the Nuclear Non-proliferation treaty in 2003 as despite being suspected of building nuclear weaponry, it is difficult for the UN to investigate this matter due to it being a closed and separate state. As a result, the UN carries the capacity to impose sanctions upon the nation banning exports and global assets freeze from nation which also relies on cooperation of other countries to ensure it success. However, countries such as China, who are allies with the North Korea can choose to ignore such sanctions that aim to resolve world order utilizing the principal of state sovereignty. Thus state sovereignty can severely impede the responses the UN can take agsint nations that fail to cooperate in the global aim of resolving world order issues This might be a good time to talk about the UNSC? The p5 and veto power? Also would be a good spot for a media article - there's so many on North Korea!
-   Limited enforceability
o   State sovereignty has resulted in the limited enforceability of international law which severely impeded the resolution of world order. Nation states can utilize their state sovereignty to display their political will in assisting the maintenance of world order. This is evident  when This doesn't make sense. Solomon islands which formally requested Australia to intervene in its internal conflict, which was in Australia’s best interest the ‘environment for hostile actors and jeopardize national security” as reported in ‘RAMSI ends with its mission accomplished for Solomon islands. Via RAMSI, Solomon Islands has a low crime rate by global standards and lowest rates of gun possession? or use? in the world, displaying that if countries use state sovereignty to display their political will, globally world order is attainable. However, if the state sovereignty’s decides for the lack of political will to cooperate then it is difficult to attain a resolution for world orders as displayed  by the US Guantanamo Bay which is illegally operating under the 1949 Geneva conventions despite being hard international law. Having be located in Cuba outside of US jurisdiction the prisoners from the war of terror are detained, interrogated and tortured without a trials. Whilst US President Obama promised to shut it down, the international community is powerless to act as there is no political will and they cannot impede state sovereignty. Hence resolutions to world order are highly reliant on state sovereignty displaying political will to address the issues which threaten world order

I think your areas of discussion are judiciously chosen! Great job! There needs to be some adjustments to the way you're expressing things, particularly topic sentences. I recognise this is just a draft though so it's probably not your most edited work, understandably! A quick note that you might have your computer set to English (US) because you're spelling things with a Z instead of an S :)

In terms of legal content - I think there could be more media articles in there, and perhaps a little more in the way of human rights, particularly when talking about Guantanamo Bay, and North Korea. Identifying the international documents is always relevant to a world order response! The cases are very relevant for each place you discuss them, which is really good! I'd work on expression and the way you're incorporating the legal themes and media throughout the response. I've pointed out some areas where it might be a good spot to add or adjust. Overall, your linking to the question is really outstanding, and that's something to hold on to! :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Mounica on August 23, 2017, 10:36:57 am
Hey guys,
can someone pls explain how i would answer this question:
"assess the effectiveness of legal and non-legal measures in dealing with issues of compliance and non-compliance with laws relating to world order"
Thanks
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 23, 2017, 11:13:04 am
Quote from: Mounica on August 23, 2017, 10:36:57 am
Hey guys,
can someone pls explain how i would answer this question:
"assess the effectiveness of legal and non-legal measures in dealing with issues of compliance and non-compliance with laws relating to world order"
Thanks

Hey! I responded to you in the Question thread just now :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Daniyahasan on August 27, 2017, 07:59:32 pm
hey guys,
i started writing an essay on this question "assess the effectiveness of legal and non-legal measures in dealing with issues of compliance and non-compliance with laws relating to world order"  so can someone pls give me feedback on what i wrote so far.
thanks

The ICJ is an ineffective legal measure in dealing with noncompliance of nation states in relation to world order issues. Established in 1945 by the UN Charter, the ICJ allows for disputes between nations to be settled without violence; however the jurisdiction of the court is challenged by the number of states that have made declarations recognising the jurisdiction of the court. Only 70 states have formed Declarations Recognising as Compulsory the Jurisdiction of the Court. Other states like the United States (US) recognise the jurisdiction of the ICJ on a case-by-case basis. This highly restricts the effectiveness of the ICJ in resolving disputes between nations, as it cannot force states to comply with its judgement. This is demonstrated in the Nicaragua v US (1986) case where the ICJ ruled in favour of Nicaragua and awarded reparations to Nicaragua. However, the US refused to participate in the proceedings and refused to comply with the judgement. This can be seen in the media article “US dismisses World Court ruling on contras” by the Guardian. The ICJ can enforce its judgement in contentious cases, adversarial proceedings seeking to settle a dispute between states, by taking it to the UNSC for enforcement actions. However this is often difficult as the permanent 5 members of the UNSC: US, Russia, United Kingdom, China and France, have the power of veto which when used, can effectively prevent any action from being taken. This was seen in the Nicaragua v US case where the US blocked the enforcement of the judgement by the UNSC and therefore prevented Nicaragua from obtaining any compensation. This has led to a reluctance of the Court to become involved in a dispute where it is in the interests of one or more of the permanent 5 members on the UNSC to block the judgement if a nation does not accept it. This restrains the effectiveness of the ICJ in its ability to force nation states to comply with its judgement.
 The UN is an effective measure in forcing compliance in relation to world. The UN encourages disarmament and the resolution of conflicts with the use of violence. It has created various treaties that restrict and prohibit the use of certain weapons. Some of these treaties include the Treaty on the non-proliferation of nuclear weapons (1968), the Biological Weapons Convention (1972) and the Chemical Weapons Convention (1992). The treaties limit the use of weapons that cause indiscriminate and often devastating results. Watchdog groups such as the Organisation for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons monitor these treaties to ensure compliance and discourage the use of them in armed conflicts. An example of this is when the Security Council passed Resolution 687, which set out the terms that Iraq’s leader Suddam Hussein was to comply with. The resolution required the destruction of all chemical and biological weapons, and ballistic missiles with a range greater than 150 kilometres and required Iraq to submit to a rigorous UN inspection system. Inspections were conducted by United Nations Special Commission (UNSCOM) and later the United Nations Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission (UNMOVIC) throughout the 1990s. The UNSC has proved to be an effective legal response to monitoring conflict and forcing compliance when dealing with world order issues, as no ‘weapons of mass destruction’ were found.

Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 27, 2017, 08:58:16 pm
Quote from: Daniyahasan on August 27, 2017, 07:59:32 pm
hey guys,
i started writing an essay on this question "assess the effectiveness of legal and non-legal measures in dealing with issues of compliance and non-compliance with laws relating to world order"  so can someone pls give me feedback on what i wrote so far.
thanks

Hey! You'll need 75 posts to qualify for a proper bit of feedback, you aren't far off! Perhaps work on posting a few more times while you work on the rest of the essay, that way I can give it feedback all at once :) on a quick skim, watch that you aren't spending too long on a single example - The ICJ paragraph really only analyses one example. It would be good to see another case, for you to trim down the descriptions of how the ICJ operates and substitute it for more evidence and analysis :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Daniyahasan on August 28, 2017, 11:59:44 am
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on August 27, 2017, 08:58:16 pm
Hey! You'll need 75 posts to qualify for a proper bit of feedback, you aren't far off! Perhaps work on posting a few more times while you work on the rest of the essay, that way I can give it feedback all at once :) on a quick skim, watch that you aren't spending too long on a single example - The ICJ paragraph really only analyses one example. It would be good to see another case, for you to trim down the descriptions of how the ICJ operates and substitute it for more evidence and analysis :)

Ok, thanks for letting me know. I'll post my essay when I have 75 posts
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Daniyahasan on August 28, 2017, 12:13:01 pm
hey guys,
i started writing an essay on this question "assess the effectiveness of legal and non-legal measures in dealing with issues of compliance and non-compliance with laws relating to world order"  so can someone pls give me feedback on what i wrote so far. Also can u pls explain how I would talk about a non legal response.
thanks


The ICJ is an ineffective legal measure in dealing with noncompliance of nation states in relation to world order laws. Established in 1945 by the UN Charter, the ICJ allows for disputes between nations to be settled without violence. Only 70 states have formed Declarations Recognising as Compulsory the Jurisdiction of the Court. Other states like the United States (US) recognise the jurisdiction of the ICJ on a case-by-case basis. This highly restricts the effectiveness of the ICJ in resolving disputes between nations, as it cannot force states to comply with its judgement. This is demonstrated in the Nicaragua v US (1986) case where the ICJ ruled in favour of Nicaragua and awarded reparations to Nicaragua. However, the US refused to participate in the proceedings and refused to comply with the judgement. This can be seen in the media article “US dismisses World Court ruling on contras” by the Guardian. The ICJ can enforce its judgement by taking it to the UNSC for enforcement actions. However this is often difficult as the permanent 5 members of the UNSC: US, Russia, United Kingdom, China and France, have the power of veto which when used, can effectively prevent any action from being taken. This was seen in the Nicaragua v US case where the US blocked the enforcement of the judgement by the UNSC and therefore prevented Nicaragua from obtaining any compensation. This restrains the effectiveness of the ICJ in its ability to force nation states to comply with its judgement.

 The UN is an effective measure in forcing compliance in relation to world order laws. The UN encourages disarmament and the resolution of conflicts with the use of violence. It has created various treaties that restrict and prohibit the use of certain weapons. Some of these treaties include the Treaty on the non-proliferation of nuclear weapons (1968), the Biological Weapons Convention (1972) and the Chemical Weapons Convention (1992). The treaties limit the use of weapons that cause indiscriminate and often devastating results. Watchdog groups such as the Organisation for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons monitor these treaties to ensure compliance and discourage the use of them in armed conflicts. An example of this is when the Security Council passed Resolution 687, which set out the terms that Iraq’s leader Suddam Hussein was to comply with. The resolution required the destruction of all chemical and biological weapons, and ballistic missiles with a range greater than 150 kilometres and required Iraq to submit to a rigorous UN inspection system. Inspections were conducted by United Nations Special Commission (UNSCOM) and later the United Nations Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission (UNMOVIC) throughout the 1990s. The UNSC has proved to be an effective legal response to monitoring conflict and forcing compliance when dealing with world order issues, as no ‘weapons of mass destruction’ were found.


Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 31, 2017, 03:58:02 pm
Quote from: Daniyahasan on August 28, 2017, 12:13:01 pm
hey guys,
i started writing an essay on this question "assess the effectiveness of legal and non-legal measures in dealing with issues of compliance and non-compliance with laws relating to world order"  so can someone pls give me feedback on what i wrote so far. Also can u pls explain how I would talk about a non legal response.
thanks

Sure thing!

Spoiler
The ICJ is an ineffective legal measure in dealing with noncompliance of nation states in relation to world order laws. Good to see an obvious judgement, but "world order laws" is awkward phrasing, we don't have world order laws, I'd say "in relation to laws that promote peace and security," or something similar. Established in 1945 by the UN Charter, the ICJ allows for disputes between nations to be settled without violence. The marker knows this, you don't have to tell them! Only 70 states have formed Declarations Recognising as Compulsory the Jurisdiction of the Court. Wording feels awkward there, "recognising the jurisdiction of the court" would be enough. Other states like the United States (US) recognise the jurisdiction of the ICJ on a case-by-case basis. This highly restricts the effectiveness of the ICJ in resolving disputes between nations, as it cannot force states to comply with its judgement. Good point, but it took too long to get here. This is demonstrated in the Nicaragua v US (1986) case where the ICJ ruled in favour of Nicaragua and awarded reparations to Nicaragua. However, the US refused to participate in the proceedings and refused to comply with the judgement. This can be seen in the media article “US dismisses World Court ruling on contras” by the Guardian. Good case example. The ICJ can enforce its judgement by taking it to the UNSC for enforcement actions. However this is often difficult as the permanent 5 members of the UNSC: US, Russia, United Kingdom, China and France, have the power of veto which when used, can effectively prevent any action from being taken. This was seen in the Nicaragua v US case where the US blocked the enforcement of the judgement by the UNSC and therefore prevented Nicaragua from obtaining any compensation. This restrains the effectiveness of the ICJ in its ability to force nation states to comply with its judgement. A solid argument made, but there is really only one example. It would be good to have a second to make your argument stronger, cut some of the description/case details to leave room for more analysis.

The UN is an effective measure in forcing compliance in relation to world order laws. As above, awkward phrasing, but good judgement. The UN encourages disarmament and the resolution of conflicts with the use of violence. Do you mean 'without' here? It has created various treaties that restrict and prohibit the use of certain weapons. Some of these treaties include the Treaty on the non-proliferation of nuclear weapons (1968), the Biological Weapons Convention (1972) and the Chemical Weapons Convention (1992). How effective are these treaties? The treaties limit the use of weapons that cause indiscriminate and often devastating results. Those last three sentences should be condensed for one - Remember, any sentences that doesn't push your argument directly isn't useful and needs to be condensed. Watchdog groups such as the Organisation for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons monitor these treaties to ensure compliance and discourage the use of them in armed conflicts. How effective are these watchdog groups? An example of this is when the Security Council passed Resolution 687, which set out the terms that Iraq’s leader Suddam Hussein was to comply with. The resolution required the destruction of all chemical and biological weapons, and ballistic missiles with a range greater than 150 kilometres and required Iraq to submit to a rigorous UN inspection system. Inspections were conducted by United Nations Special Commission (UNSCOM) and later the United Nations Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission (UNMOVIC) throughout the 1990s. You are retelling/describing a world order scenario, you aren't making a judgement! The UNSC has proved to be an effective legal response to monitoring conflict and forcing compliance when dealing with world order issues, as no ‘weapons of mass destruction’ were found. Try and make your conclusion a little more definitive and not case-based, you should be finishing with an overall assessment based on multiple pieces of evidence!

Solid paragraphs with some good evidence throughout! Make sure your arguments are always the key element of your responses, several places where you start retelling scenarios or describing what laws do, and that isn't going to earn you marks. It should always be evaluation and analysis at every step! ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: kiiaaa on September 11, 2017, 10:55:24 pm

hey guys
i was wondering if you could please mark my fam law essay on same sex and also tell me if im assessing it well please? my main problem in essays is that i am 'describing' it according to teachers and i dont know how to solve this. if you have any tips and tricks it would be relaly appriciated if you can share them :) :) :) :) Also if you could also suggest which band this essay lies in it will also be great! :)

Thank you sooo much guys

To what extent has law reform achieved just outcomes for those in same sex relationships?


Same sex marriage has catalyzed numerous law reform which collectively does work towards achieving justice for parties involved same sex relationships yet, within the law there are limitations compromising the sense of justice these parties receive. The law reform occurring in relation to same sex marriages has significantly impacted the parties to these relationships ranging from the individuals to the couple further to their children. Whilst prior the law stripped them being recognized as a marriage, it is through minor law reforms that they are slowly being granted and returned their rights especially in regards to property, matters surrounding children and marriage. Whilst these aren’t overall effective in ensuring justice these minor changes do demonstrate the laws ability to work towards achieving this goal.
 
Law reform has been highly effective in achieving justice for homosexual individuals in order to reflect the changing social values. Prior to the Crimes (Amendment) Act 1984 (NSW), same sex sexual intercourse between males was illegalized to which one could be incriminated as displayed in R v Dornan (1950) where a homosexual received a prison sentence. As a result this was ineffective as it breached their basic human rights and led them to be unprotected by the law. However, with the HR Sexual Conducts Act catalyzed by R v Toonen (1994) determining that Australian’s anti-homosexuality laws violated an individual’s human right under the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights. This reform has allowed individuals to feel that justice has occurred with the criminalization of homosexuality federally removed in the Human Rights (Sexual Conducts) Act 1994 (Cth) allowing them to freely pursue same sex relationships without the fear of being criminalized or incarcerated as well as allowing them to free express their sexuality. Hence, the law while attempting to protect the rights of same sex couples still requires further law reform in areas of property, children and marriage.

The law gradually but effectively as been working towards achieving justice for same sex couples by recognizing their relationship when it comes to matter surrounding property and inheritance. The property (relationships) act 1984 allowed for same sex couples to have the same legal standing as heterosexual de factor couples in its aim to ensure fairness for all couples. Furthermore, the justice system has ensured consistency and not being discriminatory exemplified in Howard v Andrews [1999] where the Family Court allowed the man to inherit their deceased male partner of 14 years’ estate ensuring justice wasn’t denied based on their marital status and hence further catalyzed the need for the 1999 amendment of the Property (Relationships) Act 1984 (Cth) to further ensure accessibility for all same sex couples to their partner’s inheritance. In addition this amendment allowed for formal recognition of same sex couples which was previously absent as in Hope and Brown v NIB [1995] where the couple experienced difficulty in gaining recognition from the insurance company, allowing the law to be responsive to voids within the system impeding its ability to achieve justice. Hence the law, despite being slow, has implemented progressive changes working towards achieving justice for same sex couples.

Australian law has slowly attempted to grant children adopted by homosexual couples equal rights of those from heterosexual couples yet it is not highly effective.  The Health Insurance Act 1973 (Cth) allowed same sex children to register as a family under Medicare ensuring that all children experienced fairness and consistency by the legal system. The Miscellaneous Act Amendment (Same Sex relationship) Act 2008 (NSW) also provided equal parenting rights for lesbian couples with both parents carrying the right to be mentioned on the child’s birth certificate and thus protecting the child’s right in getting both mother’s inheritance when separating. However, the law fails to ensure equality for same sex male couples where the child conceived through insemination does not have the same legal standing unless ordered by the family court thus compromising the level of fairness children receive under the law. Yet, the law carries the strength of working towards the best interest of the child fulfilling its international obligation on the Convention on the Rights of the Child, allowing Same Sex couples like other heterosexual couples adopt children under the Adoption Amendment (same sex couples) Act 2010 (NSW) rather than the child be adopted by a homosexual individual. Hence, whilst the law has been gradually been working towards achieving just outcomes for children in same sex relationships, it carries numerous shortfalls which limit its effectiveness in achieving overall justice.

The law has gradually granted rights despite it being retrospective in its approach towards same sex couples impeding the level of justice these individuals received as they law was discriminating against them. The 2004 reforms by the Howard government to the Marriage Act 1969 (Cth) by adding that marriage is considered a “union between a man and a woman,” the law explicitly excluded same marriages and thus were considered void under the law. This legal discrimination has severely impeded the notion of justice same sex individuals receive due to the lack of fairness and equality within the law. However, the law has been responsive to the changing societal values in the implementation of the Relationships Register Act 2010 (NSW) which allows same sex couples to register their defacto relationship and formally recognize their same sex relationship. In addition, the postal plebiscite of 2017, regarding the legalization of same sex marriage in Australia, further demonstrates the law accommodating to the changing values of Australian and reflecting these values through legislation. Hence, whilst the law hasn’t matched the changing values in society, it has gradually with the aid of law reform work towards achieving a sense of equality for same sex couples yet full equality is still denied impeding the effectiveness of law reform.

Hence, whilst the law has been accommodating to the changing societal values in relation to same sex couples it also has been responsive to the various implication this changing family structure has brought in relation to children and property. These changes have been implemented to accumulatively work towards achieving justice especially for stakeholders in same sex relationships hence despite having numerous shortfalls the law has been progressive in its approach of achieving justice through law reform.






























Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 15, 2017, 09:50:54 am
Quote from: kiiaaa on September 11, 2017, 10:55:24 pm
hey guys
i was wondering if you could please mark my fam law essay on same sex and also tell me if im assessing it well please? my main problem in essays is that i am 'describing' it according to teachers and i dont know how to solve this. if you have any tips and tricks it would be relaly appriciated if you can share them :) :) :) :) Also if you could also suggest which band this essay lies in it will also be great! :)

Thank you sooo much guys

I've attached your essay with feedback in bold! ;D

Spoiler
To what extent has law reform achieved just outcomes for those in same sex relationships?

Same sex marriage has catalyzed numerous law reform which collectively does work towards achieving justice for parties involved same sex relationships yet, within the law there are limitations compromising the sense of justice these parties receive. Good Thesis! Some slight wording issues but the idea is sound, the sentence could be the tiniest bit long. The law reform occurring in relation to same sex marriages has significantly impacted the parties to these relationships ranging from the individuals to the couple further to their children. Has this impact been positive or negative? Try to be specific. Whilst prior the law stripped them being recognised as a marriage, it is through minor law reforms that they are slowly being granted and returned their rights especially in regards to property, matters surrounding children and marriage. Whilst these aren’t overall effective in ensuring justice these minor changes do demonstrate the laws ability to work towards achieving this goal. This is a good introduction with a good argument, that the laws are a good start but there is more work to do. Work on being very specific with the effectiveness of the responses in achieving justice to make sure you are linking to the question properly. You might also wish to define justice in terms of the criteria you will be looking at (accessibility, equality, etc)..
 
Law reform has been highly effective in achieving justice for homosexual individuals in order to reflect the changing social values. This feels very broad for a paragraph topic! Prior to the Crimes (Amendment) Act 1984 (NSW), same sex sexual intercourse between males was illegalized to which one could be incriminated as displayed in R v Dornan (1950) where a homosexual received a prison sentence. As a result this was ineffective as it breached their basic human rights and led them to be unprotected by the law. Good analysis, good integration of a few bits of evidence. However, with the HR Sexual Conducts Act catalyzed by R v Toonen (1994) determining that Australian’s anti-homosexuality laws violated an individual’s human right under the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights. Watch wording, slightly off there. This reform has allowed individuals to feel that justice has occurred with the criminalization of homosexuality federally removed in the Human Rights (Sexual Conducts) Act 1994 (Cth) allowing them to freely pursue same sex relationships without the fear of being criminalized or incarcerated as well as allowing them to free express their sexuality. Good. Hence, the law while attempting to protect the rights of same sex couples still requires further law reform in areas of property, children and marriage. Good evidence and evaluation, but the topic sentence and conclusion feel off. I'd say this is a paragraph on decriminalisation, perhaps say, "Law reform has proven to be effective in achieving justice through the decriminalisation of homosexuality," or similar, to set the paragraph up better.

The law gradually but effectively as been working towards achieving justice for same sex couples by recognizing their relationship when it comes to matter surrounding property and inheritance. The property (relationships) act 1984 allowed for same sex couples to have the same legal standing as heterosexual de factor couples in its aim to ensure fairness for all couples. Ensure your laws are capitalised! Furthermore, the justice system has ensured consistency and not being discriminatory exemplified in Howard v Andrews [1999] where the Family Court allowed the man to inherit their deceased male partner of 14 years’ estate ensuring justice wasn’t denied based on their marital status and hence further catalyzed the need for the 1999 amendment of the Property (Relationships) Act 1984 (Cth) to further ensure accessibility for all same sex couples to their partner’s inheritance. Sentence is waaay too long there - Break it up into digestable chunks, and really take the time to evaluate each piece of your argument in turn. In addition this amendment allowed for formal recognition of same sex couples which was previously absent as in Hope and Brown v NIB [1995] where the couple experienced difficulty in gaining recognition from the insurance company, allowing the law to be responsive to voids within the system impeding its ability to achieve justice. Hence the law, despite being slow, has implemented progressive changes working towards achieving justice for same sex couples. Fantastic evidence in this paragraph, certainly lots of it - I'd advise you to slow down just a tad and really draw out the argument in each piece of evidence, make sure you are frequently using evaluative words.

Australian law has slowly attempted to grant children adopted by homosexual couples equal rights of those from heterosexual couples yet it is not highly effective.  The Health Insurance Act 1973 (Cth) allowed same sex children to register as a family under Medicare ensuring that all children experienced fairness and consistency by the legal system. The Miscellaneous Act Amendment (Same Sex relationship) Act 2008 (NSW) also provided equal parenting rights for lesbian couples with both parents carrying the right to be mentioned on the child’s birth certificate and thus protecting the child’s right in getting both mother’s inheritance when separating. Good - This paragraph is more methodical in its argument, this gives more clarity and answers the question more effectively. However, the law fails to ensure equality for same sex male couples where the child conceived through insemination does not have the same legal standing unless ordered by the family court thus compromising the level of fairness children receive under the law. Ever so slightly vague in that argument, can you reference a specific piece of legislation that is lacking? Perhaps include a media article to highlight the issue? Yet, the law carries the strength of working towards the best interest of the child fulfilling its international obligation on the Convention on the Rights of the Child, allowing Same Sex couples like other heterosexual couples adopt children under the Adoption Amendment (same sex couples) Act 2010 (NSW) rather than the child be adopted by a homosexual individual. Slightly confused here as well, the wording is impacting on the clarity of your arguments - Be careful! Hence, whilst the law has been gradually been working towards achieving just outcomes for children in same sex relationships, it carries numerous shortfalls which limit its effectiveness in achieving overall justice. Nice conclusion - Your arguments have been sustained nicely, good stuff!

The law has gradually granted rights despite it being retrospective in its approach towards same sex couples impeding the level of justice these individuals received as they law was discriminating against them. Slight wording issue here - Keep your introductions simple and powerful. The 2004 reforms by the Howard government to the Marriage Act 1969 (Cth) by adding that marriage is considered a “union between a man and a woman,” the law explicitly excluded same marriages and thus were considered void under the law. This legal discrimination has severely impeded the notion of justice same sex individuals receive due to the lack of fairness and equality within the law. Good. However, the law has been responsive to the changing societal values in the implementation of the Relationships Register Act 2010 (NSW) which allows same sex couples to register their defacto relationship and formally recognize their same sex relationship. In addition, the postal plebiscite of 2017, regarding the legalization of same sex marriage in Australia, further demonstrates the law accommodating to the changing values of Australian and reflecting these values through legislation. It would be good to specifically reference a media article here. Hence, whilst the law hasn’t matched the changing values in society, it has gradually with the aid of law reform work towards achieving a sense of equality for same sex couples yet full equality is still denied impeding the effectiveness of law reform. This conclusion feels a bit topsy turvy - "Not perfect, but good, but not perfect." Try and make a more definitive conclusion, even if that conclusion is "somewhat effective," be definite in taking the middle ground.

Hence, whilst the law has been accommodating to the changing societal values in relation to same sex couples it also has been responsive to the various implication this changing family structure has brought in relation to children and property. These changes have been implemented to accumulatively work towards achieving justice especially for stakeholders in same sex relationships hence despite having numerous shortfalls the law has been progressive in its approach of achieving justice through law reform.

Very strong essay kiiaaa, lots of excellent evidence which is for the most part well argued. Try and include some media articles - That's really the only big gap in your evidence I can see, some reports/statistics could be effective as well to vary things a bit. Evaluations are pretty good in most areas, occasionally the argument is vague, but this could be fixed by adjusting the wording ever so slightly to link to the question a little more closely. Be blatant: "The _______ was extremely effective in achieving justice, as it (INSERT PHRASE BRIEFLY EXPLAINING WHY IT IS EFFECTIVE)." Good work on including criteria like accessibility in your judgements.

The big thing holding you back is wording - Lots of places where your wording/syntax is inhibiting your sophistication and impacting on clarity. You don't need to be a brilliant writer to get a 20/20 in Legal but you need to be able to communicate your ideas clearly and succinctly - You still need to do a bit of work there. Read your essay aloud or have someone read it to you, listen for "iffy" bits, and fix them!

I don't think this essay is describing too much at all - Sometimes, but on the whole the focus is on judgement, and this will only improve as you tidy the wording. I'd say you are getting into the Band 6 range, or it not Band 6, very high Band 5 :)

Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 15, 2017, 10:14:53 am
Quote from: kiiaaa on September 11, 2017, 10:55:24 pm
hey guys
i was wondering if you could please mark my fam law essay on same sex and also tell me if im assessing it well please? my main problem in essays is that i am 'describing' it according to teachers and i dont know how to solve this. if you have any tips and tricks it would be relaly appriciated if you can share them :) :) :) :) Also if you could also suggest which band this essay lies in it will also be great! :)

Thank you sooo much guys


Hey there! I'll take a look at this for you :)

Spoiler
To what extent has law reform achieved just outcomes for those in same sex relationships?


Same sex marriage has catalyzed Not a huge deal, but this is the American spelling :) Make sure your microsoft word is switched to English (AUS), which is probably more important for your English essays, but nonetheless :) numerous law reforms which collectively does work towards achieving justice for parties involved same sex relationships yet, within the law there are limitations compromising the sense of justice these parties receive. I like the majority of this thesis - I can see that your judgement says there have been reforms but there is some limitations and some successes. What I'm not so sure about is same sex marriage being the catalyst for these. Perhaps you could argue that the discussion about same sex marriage that has existed for many years might have prompted other reforms, but I tend to think it's not "same sex marriage' that prompted these reforms, seeing as same sex marriage is still not legal in Australia. The law reform occurring in relation to same sex marriages has significantly impacted the parties to these relationships ranging from the individuals to the couple further to their children. Whilst prior the law stripped them being recognized as a marriage, it is through minor law reforms that they are slowly being granted and returned their rights especially in regards to property, matters surrounding children and marriage. Also hesitant about this wording, saying that they had the rights, they were stripped, and slowly they are being returned. It can be argued, but I tend to think you won't be going into this storyline in the response. But we'll check it out :) Whilst these aren’t overall effective in ensuring justice these minor changes do demonstrate the laws ability to work towards achieving this goal. Overall you've done a great job of making an argument clear here, that your judgement is that there are some limitations and some successes but law reform is continuing to aim to achieve just outcomes.
 
Law reform has been highly effective in achieving justice for homosexual individuals in order to reflect the changing social values. Prior to the Crimes (Amendment) Act 1984 (NSW), same sex sexual intercourse between males was illegalized decriminalised* to which one could be incriminated as displayed in R v Dornan (1950) where a homosexual received a prison sentence for sodomy.. Lots of good stuff here! As a result this was ineffective as it breached their basic human rights such as the right to privacy,and led them to be unprotected by the law. However, with the HR Sexual Conducts Act catalyzed by R v Toonen (1994) determining that Australian’s anti-homosexuality laws violated an individual’s human right under the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights. This reform has allowed individuals to feel that justice has occurred with the criminalization of homosexuality federally removed in the Human Rights (Sexual Conducts) Act 1994 (Cth) allowing them to freely pursue same sex relationships without the fear of being criminalized or incarcerated as well as allowing them to freely express their sexuality within the same bounds as heterosexual couples (keep in mind that it's not totally free - you still can't have sex in public, for example. . Hence, the law while attempting to protect the rights of same sex couples still requires further law reform in areas of property, children and marriage. Not sold on this ending sentence for the reason that suddenly property, children, and marriages are brought into a conversation about sodomy. I'm inclined to leave these out, because your introduction tells me they are yet to come anyway. And instead, I'd summarise the effectiveness of decriminalising sodomy as a way of achieving justice for gay community members.

The law gradually but effectively has been working towards achieving justice for same sex couples by recognizing their relationship when it comes to matter surrounding property and inheritance. Great - good clarity on this paragraph. I know what to expect! Although I would switch around the beginning, is something really that effective if it is gradual? Or is the slowness a limitation of the effectiveness? You decide. But, I would write "The law is mostly effective in relation to same sex couples and surrounding issues of property and inheritance, although the slow nature of the reforms... The property (relationships) act 1984 allowed for same sex couples to have the same legal standing as heterosexual de factor de facto* couples in its aim to ensure fairness for all couples. Furthermore, the justice system has ensured consistency and not being discriminatory exemplified in Howard v Andrews [1999] where the Family Court allowed the man to inherit their deceased male partner of 14 years’ estate ensuring justice wasn’t denied based on their marital status and hence further catalyzed the need for the 1999 amendment of the Property (Relationships) Act 1984 (Cth) to further ensure accessibility for all same sex couples to their partner’s inheritance. Quite a long sentence, I'd slice it into two by starting a new sentence at "and hence further". In addition this amendment allowed for formal recognition of same sex couples which was previously absent as in Hope and Brown v NIB [1995] where the couple experienced difficulty in gaining recognition from the insurance company, allowing the law to be responsive to voids within the system impeding its ability to achieve justice. Hence the law, despite being slow, has implemented progressive changes working towards achieving justice for same sex couples.

Australian law has slowly attempted to grant children adopted by homosexual couples equal rights of those from heterosexual couples yet it is not highly effective.  The Health Insurance Act 1973 (Cth) allowed same sex children to register as a family under Medicare ensuring that all children experienced fairness and consistency by the legal system. The Miscellaneous Act Amendment (Same Sex relationship) Act 2008 (NSW) also provided equal parenting rights for lesbian couples with both parents carrying the right to be mentioned on the child’s birth certificate and thus protecting the child’s right in getting accessing* both mother’s inheritance when separating. However, the law fails to ensure equality for same sex male couples where the child conceived through insemination does not have the same legal standing unless ordered by the family courtNew sentence here. thus compromising the level of fairness children receive under the law. Yet, the law carries the strength of working towards the best interest of the child fulfilling its international obligation on the Convention on the Rights of the Child, allowing Same Sex couples like other heterosexual couples adopt children under the Adoption Amendment (same sex couples) Act 2010 (NSW) rather than the child be adopted by a homosexual individual. Hence, whilst the law has been gradually been working towards achieving just outcomes for children in same sex relationships, it carries numerous shortfalls which limit its effectiveness in achieving overall justice. The incorporation of the international document is really important - in allllll legal essays (crime, and options, I mean!), it's really important to be drawing things out to that bigger picture. I also think the accuracy of the legislation you're including is great. However, I'm hesitant about this paragraph because the question asks us to talk about those in same sex relationships. Obviously being the child of such a relationship draws you into the equation of "relationship" to some extent, but I'm inclined to take the angle of looking at children from the adult's perspective. So, talking about the fairness of mums having their name on the birth certificate, rather than the fairness of it for the child to have both parent's recognised. Obviously it works both ways, but given the wording of the question this is how I'm inclined to respond to it to ensure I'm showing complete accuracy in addressing the question. I wouldn't say this paragraph if off-topic, but it does need some re-alligning :)

The law has gradually granted rights despite it being retrospective in its approach towards same sex couples impeding the level of justice these individuals received as they law was discriminating against them. This sentence has a whole lot of words and it doesn't clearly respond to much of it. I'm unsure of what you mean by "retrospective in its approach" and then the last part "as the law was discriminating against them" I think can be deleted because it's assumed knowledge based on everything we know so far. The 2004 reforms by the Howard government to the Marriage Act 1969 (Cth) by adding that marriage is considered a “union between a man and a woman,” the law explicitly excluded same marriages and thus were considered void under the law. This legal discrimination has severely impeded the notion of justice same sex individuals receive due to the lack of fairness and equality within the law. However, the law has been responsive to the changing societal values in the implementation of the Relationships Register Act 2010 (NSW) which allows same sex couples to register their defacto relationship and formally recognize their same sex relationship. In addition, the postal plebiscite of 2017, regarding the legalization of same sex marriage in Australia, further demonstrates the law accommodating to the changing values of Australian and reflecting these values through legislation. Hence, whilst the law hasn’t matched the changing values in society, it has gradually with the aid of law reform work towards achieving a sense of equality for same sex couples yet full equality is still denied impeding the effectiveness of law reform. Great!

Hence, whilst the law has been accommodating to the changing societal values in relation to same sex couples it also has been responsive to the various implication this changing family structure has brought in relation to children and property. These changes have been implemented to accumulatively work towards achieving justice especially for stakeholders in same sex relationships hence despite having numerous shortfalls the law has been progressive in its approach of achieving justice through law reform.

The use of legislation and cases is particularly strong in this essay. You've absolutely aced accurately drawing on different pieces of legislation at relevant times to colour in the picture of same sex relationships in Australia through a legal sense. The incorporation of international documents is good and very important as well - although I did leave a little comment about the ICCPR and how you should identify the specific right being infringed (privacy) in order to be most accurate. There is a lack of media articles in this piece, though. I think the plebiscite is an excellent place to bring in a media article seeing as there's absolutely no shortage of these articles at the moment! I have no doubt you'll be able to integrate this as seamlessly as you have all of the legislation throughout. The arguments are well formulated in that they logically move through different aspects of a same sex couple's experiences with the law. I think a stronger connection could be made between comparing homosexual and heterosexual relationships under the law. When we look at the treatment of same sex couples, we are essentially looking at how their experiences of legislation compare to a heterosexual's experience of legislation - and this is why we can see an inequality in the achievement of justice.

If you're looking for another area to add to your notes - you could talk about the way religious educational institutions are exempt from the Sexual Discrimination Act (refer to section 37 and 38: http://www.austlii.edu.au/cgi-bin/viewdoc/au/legis/cth/consol_act/sda1984209/s38.html)

I don't think you are describing too much at all, but I do think your wording let's you down at times. I've commented on this throughout so hopefully it gives you a hand.

Edit: Shit, Jamon and I both just got to this. Serves me right for taking so long because I was eating breakfast at the same time ;) Enjoy the double feedback ;)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: kiiaaa on September 27, 2017, 09:47:11 am
hey guys
i was wondering if you could please check this essay for me? I'm not sure if im properly addressing the questions and was wondering if i could get some feedback please and an indication of which band would it lie in
Thank you sooooo much

PS. also sorry if the spelling of words is in the American style- im still experimenting no how to change it to the Australian spelling as it keeps on autocorrecting it =/


To what extent is law reform regarding alternative family relationships a reflection of changing values?

With society’s values constantly evolving and becoming more accepting towards alternatives to the traditional family, the law in most cases has effectively reformed itself to cater to the changing values. Theses reforms has allowed the law to effectively mirror the societal values in relation to each alternate relationship ranging from same sex couples, de facto, Aboriginal and Torres strait island relationships and single parent relationships. Whilst some reforms fail to effectively meet society’s values it steadily is working towards this in its aim to ensure fairness, equality and justice from the law in relation to the family relationship.

The consistent law reform regarding same-sex couples as been successful in working towards the changing values of Australian society. Post the 2004 amendments to the Family Law Act 1969 (Cth) under the Howard government, numerous changes have been implemented to match the societal values that same-sex couples deserve equal treatment and recognition as the standard family. The introduction of Property (Relationships) Act 1984 (Cth) allowed for same-sex couples to be legally recognised as de facto couple and thus be granted the protection of their rights especially regarding inheritance. The societal belief that a same-sex partner should be legally allowed to claim their deceased partner’s estate is evident in Howards v Andrews (1999) which catalysed the need for amendments. Furthermore, the laws attempt to understand the social values is exemplified in the 2017 postal plebiscite, where through a survey the parliament can understand and thus be responsive to the social values when considering to make amendments and legalising same-sex marriage. Hence, through slow but steady law reform, the law is working towards meeting the social values in regards to same-sex relationships.

With society being more accepting of de facto relationships, the law has reformed in encompassing parties to these relationships. The rise in defacto relationships from 0.6 in 1971 to 16% in 2016 (SMH 2016 Cosima Marriner) displayed as the changing social values which the law must address as previously the parties in the relationship weren’t given any rights as it was seen immoral. Yet with the growing number of de facto relationships, there is a greater acceptance within the community catalysing the amendment to the Family Law Amendment (de facto ad financial matters and other measures) assisting in dealing with separation of de facto couples and divisor of property as well as regarding their children of the relationship. Furthermore, the changed values surrounding the children of de facto relationships is reflected in the Status of the Children Act being reformed to be applicable to children of de facto couples ensuring fairness and equality amongst the law. Thus, the rise in the defacto couples reflect the changing social values being more accepting of this from of relationships further embedded in the law ensuring equality and fairness providing equal rights to defacto couples as married couples.

Despite the greater social acceptance of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Island (ATSI) people, the law has to a very limited extent accept the ATSI customary law. Under ATSI customary law, the marriage is entered in accordance with a tribal custom than the requirements set in the Family Law Act 1961. However, despite the growing awareness of ATSI customary law, the federal law doesn’t recognise these marriages and considers them as a defacto relationship thus not being an accurate reflection of the societal values as it mould ATSI marriages into European marriage ideals, as depicted when a 16 yr old boy was jailed after marrying a 12 yr old girl under ATSI law (SMH 2009 Murdoch Lindsay). The absence of laws that allow ATSI relationships to be legally recognised displays the ineffectiveness of law reform in ensuring fairness in meeting the values of the ATSI community. Hence, due to the limited law reform regarding ATSI relationships, the law has been ineffective in meeting the societal values regarding the recognition of customary law.
The growing acceptance of single-parent relationships is effectively reflected in the law ensuring parties within the relationships are fairly treated by the law. The huge increase of families being headed by a lone parent are reflected with 81% of the 15% of single families are headed by mothers according to the ABS thus catalysing the need for reform to cater to this family relationship and ensure fairness, something that society values. Due to the greater acceptance of unwed mothers within society leading to an increase in the divorce rates, the government has implemented the Child Support Scheme to ensure that parents fulfil their responsibility to the child by in terms of child support. Furthermore, the reform tackled non-compliance and allowed the law to be more resource efficient by allowing the ATO to garnish the parents wage especially tax payers felt burdened (The Australian 2014, Crowe David) by the welfare payments distributed. Therefore, with society becoming more accepting of single parents, law reform has effectively ensured that whilst they receive financial aid it also addresses the concerns of taxpayers wanting their funds properly distributed.

Hence while the law might have some short falls in meeting the current societal values, as a whole it has effectively reformed and amended itself to ensure it caters towards society accepting the alternate relationships. Whilst further reforms might be needed especially regarding same-sex and ATSI relationships, in relation to de facto and single parent relationships, law reform has effectively worked towards ensuring fairness, equality and justice for parties to these relationships as society values towards these alternatives change

thank you once again, guys! :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 27, 2017, 11:18:00 am
Quote from: kiiaaa on September 27, 2017, 09:47:11 am
hey guys
i was wondering if you could please check this essay for me? I'm not sure if im properly addressing the questions and was wondering if i could get some feedback please and an indication of which band would it lie in
Thank you sooooo much


Hey! My spreadsheet says you'll need to hit 160 posts to qualify for your next bit of feedback - The requirement has jumped to 50 posts over the HSC period ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Mary_a on September 27, 2017, 02:47:09 pm
Evaluate The Effectiveness of the Criminal Trial Process as a Means of Achieving Justice:

The criminal trial process is an intricate and complex system that incorporates specific areas such as the jury system, complete and partial defences and the adversarial process. These elements attempt to achieve justice by trying to balance the rights of the offenders, victims and society.

The jury system attempts to achieve justice in the criminal trial process by its separation form the decision upon sentencing, and is governed by the Jury Act 1977 (NSW). The jury system attempts to balance the rights of the offenders, victims and society because it upholds the Doctrine of Natural Justice by granting the accuses the right to a fair hearing by an impartial judge and jury, juries draw strength and credibility from numbers by majority verdicts and the standard of proof, where someone is bound guilty beyond reasonable doubt. The jury system also attempts to achieve justice by catering for the needs of society by their ability to apply current community values and ethical standards as well as helping to remove bias through the jury deciding upon verdicts as oppose to judge along trials. However, whilst the jury system attempts to achieve justice by balancing the rights of victims, offenders and society, there is also a lack of effectiveness within the jury system. Despite juries attempting to eliminate bias, they may be inclined to be more emotional than judges as well as influenced by the media. Although jurors are instructed to base their verdicts only on evidence they hear in court, in a case where there has been a lot of media coverage, it may be very difficult for jurors to ignore the media and remain impartial. Impartiality is a fundamental right in the court system and its lack of representation in the trial denies the accused their rights and does not uphold the doctrine of natural justice and therefore, jury systems, whilst attempting to balance the rights of offenders, victims and society, do not always achieve justice.

Defences to criminal charges can be classified as complete or partial and result in no conviction or a lesser conviction. These defences attempt to achieve justice for victims, offenders and society, however, do not always appropriately  balance their needs. The complete defence of self defences requires a defendant to admit to committing the criminal offence, knowing it was wrong, but he/she claims to be acting to defend himself/herself/someone else from the attack. Self defence attempts to achieve justice as people should be able to to protect themselves from harm (protection of individual rights) and can only be used if the force is necessary and reasonable, however, this defence cannot always be properly proved, resulting in an inadequate achievement of justice for victims. The R v. Silva case (2015) highlighted that self defence cannot always be accurately proved in the first attempt, who stabbed her boyfriend after abusive threats, violent and ice-addled rage imposed upon her. She was originally convicted of manslaughter however, she appealed the conviction, arguing she was acting in self defence and the NSW Court Of Criminal Appeal questioned her conviction. The initial conviction did not achieve justice of Silva and its lack of justice in the original riling did not balance Silva’s rights, tech criminal court only achieving justice for Silva after an appeal, if Silva did not have adequate access to legal representation in the appeal, she may have not had access to justice. The partial defence of provocation has been exploited in such manners that it no longer achieves justice for victims, offenders and society. Despite its ability to allow women who have suffered years of abuse to reduce their liability if they cause the death of the abuse, this defence has been used to legitimise lethal acts of domestic violence such as R v. Ramage (2004) and R v. Singh (2012), and does not achieve justice for victims. Both wives left their abusive husbands, Ramage and Singh, whom brutally murdered their wives. Singh murdered his wife by cutting her throat with a box cutter 23 times and was sentenced to only 8 years after pleading provocation. The community outrage at the killing being desired as ‘manslaughter’ and not ‘murder’ and the sentences length highlights that the exploitation of this defence does not achieve justice for victims and society, as society continues to question how a man who kills his wife in such circumstances can be entitled to even a partial defence to murder. Thus, completely and partial defences, whilst perhaps achieving justice for offenders does limit the justice achieved for society and victims, especially when these defences are brutally exploited.

The adversarial process attempts to achieve justice by upholding the doctrine of natural justice, as it requires the individual right to an impartial jury, judge/magistrate and a right to a fair hearing. The adversarial system is effective for victims and offenders as both parties are heard and given the chance to represent their cases, thus, upholding the doctrine of natural justice. The standards of evidence help remove hearsay and opinion by classifying evidence as admissible or inadmissible, granting the accused a fairer trial and by extent attempts to achieve justice. Cross examination in the adversarial system also allows the jury to see and hear both sides of a case, upholding the doctrine of natural justice. However, the adversarial system also is also lacking in effectiveness that inhibits its ability to achieve justice. The delay in cases, asa result of the lack of resource efficiency, inhibits its ability to achieve justice as “justice delayed is justice denied.” Justice is rendered ineffective as equality and access can be absent in a case when one side can afford legal representation and one cannot. Thus, the side with more monetary abilities can afford the best lawyer which may manipulate the jury. Thus, the lack of equality and access to legal representation inhibits the adversarial system’s ability to achiever justice.

Overall, the criminal trial process attempts to achieve justice by balancing the rights of victims, offenders and society, however the exploitation of certain areas of defences and the adversarial system inhibits its ability to achieve justice.

Written under exam conditions, please dear god help. I can write a great English essay, but for some reason, not a legal essay. (Also, I typed up the written essay.) Thank you, thank you, thank you. Also, expect a law reform one soon and a family one. Thank you!


Also, is it now 50 posts? If so, how many more do i need now if I don't qualify for this one, or want to qualify for another one? Thank you
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 27, 2017, 03:12:09 pm
Quote from: Mary_a on September 27, 2017, 02:47:09 pm
Also, is it now 50 posts? If so, how many more do i need now if I don't qualify for this one, or want to qualify for another one? Thank you

This qualifies - Your next one will need 130 posts! :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Mary_a on September 27, 2017, 03:57:42 pm
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on September 27, 2017, 03:12:09 pm
This qualifies - Your next one will need 130 posts! :)

Okay, thanks so much Jamon :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: paigek3 on September 27, 2017, 04:00:55 pm
How many posts do essay plans cost?
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 27, 2017, 04:38:09 pm
Quote from: paigek3 on September 27, 2017, 04:00:55 pm
How many posts do essay plans cost?

I'm pretty happy to just look over dot point plan without requiring posts :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Korrasami on September 27, 2017, 04:49:03 pm
If that's the case, can you please look over just my introduction for my Crime essay from the 2016 paper.

" The criminal justice system has various mechanisms to ensure that young offenders’ rights are at the forefront in order for justice to properly be achieved. For young offenders to achieve justice, the criminal justice system must take into account the negative circumstances children could be brought up in, which can result in children engaging in criminal behaviour. In order for this to be effectively executed, the criminal justice system must treat young offenders differently to a large extent. The way in which the criminal justice system has handled the treatment of young offenders is expressed through the notion of doli incapax, the Children’s Court and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes."

I've already written the rest of the essay out, but since I don't have the required amount of posts, I'm not posting the whole essay.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: rodero on September 27, 2017, 09:12:51 pm
Quote from: Korrasami on September 27, 2017, 04:49:03 pm
If that's the case, can you please look over just my introduction for my Crime essay from the 2016 paper.

" The criminal justice system has various mechanisms to ensure that young offenders’ rights are at the forefront in order for justice to properly be achieved. For young offenders to achieve justice, the criminal justice system must take into account the negative circumstances children could be brought up in, which can result in children engaging in criminal behaviour. In order for this to be effectively executed, the criminal justice system must treat young offenders differently to a large extent. The way in which the criminal justice system has handled the treatment of young offenders is expressed through the notion of doli incapax, the Children’s Court and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes."

I've already written the rest of the essay out, but since I don't have the required amount of posts, I'm not posting the whole essay.


Hey ! I'd be happy to take a look at your essay. It obviously wouldn't be as great as getting feedback from a state ranker, but it's a step in the right direction. Feel free to send it through here :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 27, 2017, 09:59:03 pm
Quote from: Korrasami on September 27, 2017, 04:49:03 pm
If that's the case, can you please look over just my introduction for my Crime essay from the 2016 paper.

" The criminal justice system has various mechanisms to ensure that young offenders’ rights are at the forefront in order for justice to properly be achieved. For young offenders to achieve justice, the criminal justice system must take into account the negative circumstances children could be brought up in, which can result in children engaging in criminal behaviour. In order for this to be effectively executed, the criminal justice system must treat young offenders differently to a large extent. The way in which the criminal justice system has handled the treatment of young offenders is expressed through the notion of doli incapax, the Children’s Court and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes."

I like this introduction! It sets a good rationale for the arguments in terms of how they are important and why, I'd just say you need to address the question a little more directly in terms of how well each response is actually able to treat the young offender differently to achieve justice. Meaning, how well are those things you list in the end able to achieve that differentiation?

Good stuff though! I think it's a great start - You could tidy up the expression in the first few sentences to make the whole thing shorter if you liked (a bit of repetition early on), but definitely fantastic introduction :)

Quote from: rodero on September 27, 2017, 09:12:51 pm
Hey ! I'd be happy to take a look at your essay. It obviously wouldn't be as great as getting feedback from a state ranker, but it's a step in the right direction. Feel free to send it through here :)

I reckon your feedback would be equally useful my friend - Hopefully it helps you too! ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Korrasami on September 27, 2017, 10:41:49 pm
Quote from: rodero on September 27, 2017, 09:12:51 pm
Hey ! I'd be happy to take a look at your essay. It obviously wouldn't be as great as getting feedback from a state ranker, but it's a step in the right direction. Feel free to send it through here :)

Sent it through!!

Quote from: jamonwindeyer on September 27, 2017, 09:59:03 pm
I like this introduction! It sets a good rationale for the arguments in terms of how they are important and why, I'd just say you need to address the question a little more directly in terms of how well each response is actually able to treat the young offender differently to achieve justice. Meaning, how well are those things you list in the end able to achieve that differentiation?

Good stuff though! I think it's a great start - You could tidy up the expression in the first few sentences to make the whole thing shorter if you liked (a bit of repetition early on), but definitely fantastic introduction :)



Thanks so much for the advice, will gladly take it on board!!

Mod Edit: Post merge :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: rodero on September 28, 2017, 10:58:21 am
‘The criminal justice system must treat young offenders differently in order to achieve
justice.’
To what extent is this statement true?

Original
Spoiler
The criminal justice system has various mechanisms to ensure that young offenders’ rights are at the forefront in order for justice to properly be achieved. For young offenders to achieve justice, the criminal justice system must take into account the negative circumstances children could be brought up in, which can result in children engaging in criminal behaviour. In order for this to be effectively executed, the criminal justice system must treat young offenders differently to a large extent. The way in which the criminal justice system has handled the treatment of young offenders is expressed through the notion of doli incapax, the Children’s Court and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes.

The notion of doli incapax reveals how the criminal justice system recognises the need for young offenders to be treated differently in order for justice to be achieved. In most cases, the community and the law recognise that young offenders have not reached full adulthood, therefore limiting their capacity to recognise right from wrong and highlights the need for young offenders to be treated differently in order for justice to achieved. Despite the application of doli incapax being criticised, especially in high-profile cases relating to heinous crimes committed by children, the importance of doli incapax for young offenders to achieve justice, is highlighted in Thomas Crofts paper ‘Doli incapax: Why children deserve its protection’ in which he states that it is consistent with the principles of international law (Convention on the Rights of the Child) in which Australia is a signatory. Furthermore, the case of Corey Davis allowed an 11 year old offender to be acquitted, thus proving that the notion of doli incapax applies. Therefore, it is clear that the criminal justice system uses doli incapax to treat young offenders differently, to ensure that justice is achieved.

The Children’s Court also reveals how the criminal justice system recognises the need for young offenders to be treated differently for justice to be achieved. Established in 1987 under the Children’s Court Act 1987 (NSW), the court has dual roles that deal with criminal matters of children under 18 years and the matters of care and protection of children. The Children’s Court follows procedures laid out under the Children’s (Criminal Proceedings) Act 1987 (NSW), which acts as a guideline for courts to show regard for children, in order for justice to be achieved. The Children’s Court allows the criminal justice system to achieve justice by allowing children’s proceedings to be conducted in a closed court in order to protect the identity of the child, to ensure differing penalties and sentencing procedures differ from those of ordinary courts. This is evident in the case of a Geelong teenager “guilty of sexually assaulting eight women” being placed on a two-year probation in which the judge ordered the boy to undergo a positive sexuality course as part of his probation. Ultimately, the criminal justice system uses the Children’s Court in order for young offenders to achieve justice.

Lastly, the three-tiered system of diversionary processes also enables the criminal justice system to treat young offenders differently in order for justice to be achieved. Under the Young Offenders Act 1997 (NSW), children who have committed an offence proceed through a three-tiered system of diversionary processes known as warnings, cautions and youth justice conferences. These programs allow children to have alternative punishments to traditional criminal processes and court penalties, thus allowing the criminal justice system to treat young offenders differently. The use of warnings allow children to have no conditions attached to their offence which is detailed under s15 of the YOA. Police can also issue a more formal warning in the form of a caution, which can only be given if the child admits to the offence or has a legal guardian present. Furthermore, the youth justice conference allows the offender to take responsibility for their actions and to promote better family understanding of the issues. However, a report entitled “Reoffending among young people cautioned by police or who participated in a youth justice conference” reveals that the introduction of police cautions and youth justice conferences have led to a significant increase in recidivism rates. For example, in 2004-05, approximately 1,200 young offenders completed a YJC or received a caution, which resulted in 58% reoffending within the next five years. Nevertheless, the criminal justice system uses the three-tiered system of diversionary processes in order for young offenders to achieve justice.

Therefore, it is clear that the criminal justice system needs to treat young offenders differently in order for justice to be achieved. This has resulted in the notion of doli incapax, which considers the capacity for young offenders to recognise right from wrong, the Children’s Court which allows special provisions for young offenders and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes which allows children to have alternative sentences.

With feedback
Spoiler
The criminal justice system has various mechanisms to ensure that young offenders’ rights are at the forefront in order for justice to properly be achieved "to achieve justice".Simple thesis, however I feel as though you aren't hitting the question correctly. Firstly, you're thesis must include your judgement to the extent you believe the statement is true. i.e. is the statement accurate to a high, partial or limited extent. Secondly, you need to explicitly refer to the statement provided. I know that throughout your essay you've been mentioning aspects of the quote, but try to have actual quotation marks so that you can indicate to the marker that you're directly answering the question. For young offenders to achieve recieve the young offender is not 'achieving justice', they're 'receiving' itjustice, the criminal justice system must take into account the negative circumstances children could be brought up in, which can result in children engaging in criminal behaviour.This sentence is a bit limiting and does not encompass the entirety of why young offenders should be treated differently. Although what you say is definitely true, I personally feel that mentioning "the vulnerability of children and their inability to produce a mens rea" is something that captures the topic much more holistically. Furthermore, this would stop you from clumping everything that you want to talk about at the end, which i'll get into later.  In order for this to be effectively executed, the criminal justice system must treat young offenders differently to a large extent.THIS is the type of sentence that markers are looking for. However, mentioning it at this point of the introduction is a bit awkward. I'd recommend cutting this sentence and merging it with your thesis. The way in which the criminal justice system has handled the treatment of young offenders is expressed through the notion of doli incapax, the Children’s Court and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes alternatives to court Okay I don't know how others feel about this, but I reckon you shouldn't dump your main ideas in the one sentence, particularly as your closing sentence. Like I said before, mention the notion of doli incapax in the statement above. Also, save the terminology of the 'three-tiered system of diversionary processes', and use it for your paragraphs. For now, you need to refer to the words of the syllabus, so call it 'alternatives to court'. This also applies for doli incapax, it's a bit petty but the actual heading is 'age of criminal responsibility', so try to include that somewhere as well. This introduction needs an extra sentence which will capture your final judgement. Thus, it is highly accurate that the criminal justice system must "treat young offenders differently"

The notion of doli incapax reveals how the criminal justice system recognises the need for young offenders to be treated differently in order for justice to be achieved. In most cases, unnecessary The community and the law recognise that young offenders have not reached full adulthood, therefore limiting their capacity to recognise right from wrong and highlights the need for young offenders to be treated differently in order for justice to achieved. Try to include legal terminology such as 'mens rea'. It might not seem important to you, but it's one of the criteria which you are being assessed on. Also, try to bring in legislation; doli incapax is regulated under the Children (Criminal Proceedings) Act 1987 Despite the application of doli incapax being criticised, especially in high-profile cases relating to heinous crimes committed by children, the importance of doli incapax for young offenders to achieve justice, is highlighted in Thomas Crofts paper ‘Doli incapax: Why children deserve its protection’ in which he states that it is consistent with the principles of international law (Convention on the Rights of the Child) in which Australia is a signatory.Nice inclusion. However, your analysis is really lacking. Whenever you cite a media article, or a case, you need to say how this relates to the question. i.e. this demonstrates that the statement is highly accurate, as...  Furthermore, the case of Corey Davis allowed an 11 year old offender to be acquitted, thus proving that the notion of doli incapax applies. This case could be fleshed out so much more if you put it before the 'despite doli incapax being criticised sentence'. Reason being is that it flows much better after your explanation of what doli incapax is. Also, the case received public outcry, hence leading you on to the next sentence. Just a quick note, proper citation of the case would be R v LMW, you can bring in the victim Corey Davis later in the sentence. Again, you haven't analysed your evidence enough - you need to show how it relates to the question. You can't just top and tail your judgement at the beginning and end of your paragraph, with no mention of it in between.  Therefore, it is clear that the criminal justice system uses doli incapax to "treat young offenders differently", to ensure that justice is achieved. For further discussion, you could bring in Bronson Blessington, the 14 year old who was sentenced to life imprisonment. This would give you a springboard to discuss the different levels of criminal responsibility. i.e. Children over 14 are not covered by doli incapax, thus breaching article 37 of the CROC, which states that no child should be sentenced to life imprisonment.


The Children’s Court also reveals how the criminal justice system recognises the need for young offenders to be treated differently for justice to be achieved. Established in 1987 Avoid repetition as it disrupts flow under the Children’s Court Act 1987 (NSW), the court has dual roles that deal with criminal matters of children under 18 years and the matters of care and protection of children. The Children’s Court follows procedures laid out under the Children’s (Criminal Proceedings) Act 1987 (NSW), which acts as a guideline for courts to show regard for children, in order for justice to be achieved. The Children’s Court allows the criminal justice system to achieve justice by allowing children’s proceedings to be conducted in a closed court in order to protect the identity of the child, to ensure differing penalties and sentencing procedures differ from those of ordinary courts. This is evident in the case of a Geelong teenager “guilty of sexually assaulting eight women” being placed on a two-year probation in which the judge I don't know much about this case. However, if it was a JUDGE who determined the sentence, then it would not have occurred in the Children's Court. Keep in mind that it is a magistrate who presides here. ordered the boy to undergo a positive sexuality course as part of his probation. Again, you really need to analyse your cases more. Move this towards the middle of your paragraph so that you can have more of a discussion on it, particularly how it demonstrates your judgement in relation to the question. Ultimately, the criminal justice system uses the Children’s Court in order for young offenders to achieve receive justice. Feedback in this paragraph relates to the previous one - you need to be sustaining an argument throughout, rather than just top and tailing your judgement at the beginning and end.

Lastly, the three-tiered system of diversionary processes alternatives to court also enables the criminal justice system to treat young offenders differently in order for justice to be achieved. This thesis is far too repetitive - try to word it differently  Under the Young Offenders Act 1997 (NSW), children who have committed an offence proceed through a three-tiered system of diversionary processes known as warnings, cautions and youth justice conferences. These programs allow children to have alternative punishments to traditional criminal processes and court penalties, thus allowing the criminal justice system to treat young offenders differently. The use of warnings allow children to have no conditions attached to their offence which is detailed under s15 of the YOA. Police can also issue a more formal warning in the form of a caution, which can only be given if the child admits to the offence or has a legal guardian present. Way, way way too much content dumping. You only need to mention content in your elaboration (where you cited the YOA the first time). After that, the focus should be on introducing media articles,
 cases, statistics which prove your judgement.Furthermore, the youth justice conference allows the offender to take responsibility for their actions and to promote better family understanding of the issues. However, a report entitled “Reoffending among young people cautioned by police or who participated in a youth justice conference” reveals that the introduction of police cautions and youth justice conferences have led to a significant increase in recidivism rates. For example, in 2004-05, approximately 1,200 young offenders completed a YJC or received a caution, which resulted in 58% reoffending within the next five years.Analyse this statistic. What does this show? What's the purpose of including this statistic? Nevertheless, the criminal justice system uses the three-tiered system of diversionary processes in order for young offenders to achieve justice. This lacks a judgement. Is the statement you were provided highly accurate, partially accurate, or inaccurate?You could flesh out this argument with a more sophisticated discussion on warnings. i.e. Police discretion allows young offenders to avoid the court system. Children who undergo the court process are more likely to develop criminal tendencies etc etc..

Therefore, it is clear that the criminal justice system needs to treat young offenders differently in order for justice to be achieved. This has resulted in the notion of doli incapax, which considers the capacity for young offenders to recognise right from wrong, the Children’s Court which allows special provisions for young offenders and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes which allows children to have alternative sentences Lacks a final, conclusive judgement regarding the accuracy of the statement.

First off, a quick foreword that I tend to mark somewhat harsher than that of normal markers. Please don't take anything to heart, I'm a HSC student just like you and could easily have made some errors.

There you go, feedback is in red, suggestions are in blue.  :)

Overall feedback:
Your topic sentence for every paragraph is the exact same, with only slight changes depending on what specifically you're talking about. While this helps you in terms of simplicity, it becomes way too mundane for the marker. I'll also mention that your thesis is lacking a judgement. The question is literally 'To what extent is this statement true?', so your entire essay is supposed to be whether you think it's true or not. Based off memory I only remember a handful of times where a judgement was explicitly mentioned. Also, your analysis of media articles and cases are far too short. These are supposed to be the backbone of your argument, so it needs to be discussed so much more. You could easily achieve this by cutting down on your content and focusing more on the analysis of cases. Furthermore, you tend to bring in the case in your second last sentence. If you were to introduce it in the middle or near the beginning, you could easily have a more sophisticated discussion of it.

Strong points would include your structure, which I believe is the ideal way to answer this question. The evidence you provide are great (but like I said, you lack an actual analysis of them). Also, you clearly understand your crime content.

I would give this essay a 9/15. Reason being is that it ticks all the boxes in that range. In order to reach the 10-12 range, specific areas to work on are:
-Making a judgement
-Analysis of evidence
-Legal terminology
-Reference the statement! Use quotes to show you're actually including it in your response.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: paigek3 on September 28, 2017, 11:07:56 am
Quote from: rodero on September 28, 2017, 10:58:21 am
‘The criminal justice system must treat young offenders differently in order to achieve
justice.’
To what extent is this statement true?

Original
Spoiler
The criminal justice system has various mechanisms to ensure that young offenders’ rights are at the forefront in order for justice to properly be achieved. For young offenders to achieve justice, the criminal justice system must take into account the negative circumstances children could be brought up in, which can result in children engaging in criminal behaviour. In order for this to be effectively executed, the criminal justice system must treat young offenders differently to a large extent. The way in which the criminal justice system has handled the treatment of young offenders is expressed through the notion of doli incapax, the Children’s Court and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes.

The notion of doli incapax reveals how the criminal justice system recognises the need for young offenders to be treated differently in order for justice to be achieved. In most cases, the community and the law recognise that young offenders have not reached full adulthood, therefore limiting their capacity to recognise right from wrong and highlights the need for young offenders to be treated differently in order for justice to achieved. Despite the application of doli incapax being criticised, especially in high-profile cases relating to heinous crimes committed by children, the importance of doli incapax for young offenders to achieve justice, is highlighted in Thomas Crofts paper ‘Doli incapax: Why children deserve its protection’ in which he states that it is consistent with the principles of international law (Convention on the Rights of the Child) in which Australia is a signatory. Furthermore, the case of Corey Davis allowed an 11 year old offender to be acquitted, thus proving that the notion of doli incapax applies. Therefore, it is clear that the criminal justice system uses doli incapax to treat young offenders differently, to ensure that justice is achieved.

The Children’s Court also reveals how the criminal justice system recognises the need for young offenders to be treated differently for justice to be achieved. Established in 1987 under the Children’s Court Act 1987 (NSW), the court has dual roles that deal with criminal matters of children under 18 years and the matters of care and protection of children. The Children’s Court follows procedures laid out under the Children’s (Criminal Proceedings) Act 1987 (NSW), which acts as a guideline for courts to show regard for children, in order for justice to be achieved. The Children’s Court allows the criminal justice system to achieve justice by allowing children’s proceedings to be conducted in a closed court in order to protect the identity of the child, to ensure differing penalties and sentencing procedures differ from those of ordinary courts. This is evident in the case of a Geelong teenager “guilty of sexually assaulting eight women” being placed on a two-year probation in which the judge ordered the boy to undergo a positive sexuality course as part of his probation. Ultimately, the criminal justice system uses the Children’s Court in order for young offenders to achieve justice.

Lastly, the three-tiered system of diversionary processes also enables the criminal justice system to treat young offenders differently in order for justice to be achieved. Under the Young Offenders Act 1997 (NSW), children who have committed an offence proceed through a three-tiered system of diversionary processes known as warnings, cautions and youth justice conferences. These programs allow children to have alternative punishments to traditional criminal processes and court penalties, thus allowing the criminal justice system to treat young offenders differently. The use of warnings allow children to have no conditions attached to their offence which is detailed under s15 of the YOA. Police can also issue a more formal warning in the form of a caution, which can only be given if the child admits to the offence or has a legal guardian present. Furthermore, the youth justice conference allows the offender to take responsibility for their actions and to promote better family understanding of the issues. However, a report entitled “Reoffending among young people cautioned by police or who participated in a youth justice conference” reveals that the introduction of police cautions and youth justice conferences have led to a significant increase in recidivism rates. For example, in 2004-05, approximately 1,200 young offenders completed a YJC or received a caution, which resulted in 58% reoffending within the next five years. Nevertheless, the criminal justice system uses the three-tiered system of diversionary processes in order for young offenders to achieve justice.

Therefore, it is clear that the criminal justice system needs to treat young offenders differently in order for justice to be achieved. This has resulted in the notion of doli incapax, which considers the capacity for young offenders to recognise right from wrong, the Children’s Court which allows special provisions for young offenders and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes which allows children to have alternative sentences.

With feedback
Spoiler
The criminal justice system has various mechanisms to ensure that young offenders’ rights are at the forefront in order for justice to properly be achieved "to achieve justice".Simple thesis, however I feel as though you aren't hitting the question correctly. Firstly, you're thesis must include your judgement to the extent you believe the statement is true. i.e. is the statement accurate to a high, partial or limited extent. Secondly, you need to explicitly refer to the statement provided. I know that throughout your essay you've been mentioning aspects of the quote, but try to have actual quotation marks so that you can indicate to the marker that you're directly answering the question. For young offenders to achieve recieve the young offender is not 'achieving justice', they're 'receiving' itjustice, the criminal justice system must take into account the negative circumstances children could be brought up in, which can result in children engaging in criminal behaviour.This sentence is a bit limiting and does not encompass the entirety of why young offenders should be treated differently. Although what you say is definitely true, I personally feel that mentioning "the vulnerability of children and their inability to produce a mens rea" is something that captures the topic much more holistically. Furthermore, this would stop you from clumping everything that you want to talk about at the end, which i'll get into later.  In order for this to be effectively executed, the criminal justice system must treat young offenders differently to a large extent.THIS is the type of sentence that markers are looking for. However, mentioning it at this point of the introduction is a bit awkward. I'd recommend cutting this sentence and merging it with your thesis. The way in which the criminal justice system has handled the treatment of young offenders is expressed through the notion of doli incapax, the Children’s Court and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes alternatives to court Okay I don't know how others feel about this, but I reckon you shouldn't dump your main ideas in the one sentence, particularly as your closing sentence. Like I said before, mention the notion of doli incapax in the statement above. Also, save the terminology of the 'three-tiered system of diversionary processes', and use it for your paragraphs. For now, you need to refer to the words of the syllabus, so call it 'alternatives to court'. This also applies for doli incapax, it's a bit petty but the actual heading is 'age of criminal responsibility', so try to include that somewhere as well. This introduction needs an extra sentence which will capture your final judgement. Thus, it is highly accurate that the criminal justice system must "treat young offenders differently"

The notion of doli incapax reveals how the criminal justice system recognises the need for young offenders to be treated differently in order for justice to be achieved. In most cases, unnecessary The community and the law recognise that young offenders have not reached full adulthood, therefore limiting their capacity to recognise right from wrong and highlights the need for young offenders to be treated differently in order for justice to achieved. Try to include legal terminology such as 'mens rea'. It might not seem important to you, but it's one of the criteria which you are being assessed on. Also, try to bring in legislation; doli incapax is regulated under the Children (Criminal Proceedings) Act 1987 Despite the application of doli incapax being criticised, especially in high-profile cases relating to heinous crimes committed by children, the importance of doli incapax for young offenders to achieve justice, is highlighted in Thomas Crofts paper ‘Doli incapax: Why children deserve its protection’ in which he states that it is consistent with the principles of international law (Convention on the Rights of the Child) in which Australia is a signatory.Nice inclusion. However, your analysis is really lacking. Whenever you cite a media article, or a case, you need to say how this relates to the question. i.e. this demonstrates that the statement is highly accurate, as...  Furthermore, the case of Corey Davis allowed an 11 year old offender to be acquitted, thus proving that the notion of doli incapax applies. This case could be fleshed out so much more if you put it before the 'despite doli incapax being criticised sentence'. Reason being is that it flows much better after your explanation of what doli incapax is. Also, the case received public outcry, hence leading you on to the next sentence. Just a quick note, proper citation of the case would be R v LMW, you can bring in the victim Corey Davis later in the sentence. Again, you haven't analysed your evidence enough - you need to show how it relates to the question. You can't just top and tail your judgement at the beginning and end of your paragraph, with no mention of it in between.  Therefore, it is clear that the criminal justice system uses doli incapax to "treat young offenders differently", to ensure that justice is achieved. For further discussion, you could bring in Bronson Blessington, the 14 year old who was sentenced to life imprisonment. This would give you a springboard to discuss the different levels of criminal responsibility. i.e. Children over 14 are not covered by doli incapax, thus breaching article 37 of the CROC, which states that no child should be sentenced to life imprisonment.


The Children’s Court also reveals how the criminal justice system recognises the need for young offenders to be treated differently for justice to be achieved. Established in 1987 Avoid repetition as it disrupts flow under the Children’s Court Act 1987 (NSW), the court has dual roles that deal with criminal matters of children under 18 years and the matters of care and protection of children. The Children’s Court follows procedures laid out under the Children’s (Criminal Proceedings) Act 1987 (NSW), which acts as a guideline for courts to show regard for children, in order for justice to be achieved. The Children’s Court allows the criminal justice system to achieve justice by allowing children’s proceedings to be conducted in a closed court in order to protect the identity of the child, to ensure differing penalties and sentencing procedures differ from those of ordinary courts. This is evident in the case of a Geelong teenager “guilty of sexually assaulting eight women” being placed on a two-year probation in which the judge I don't know much about this case. However, if it was a JUDGE who determined the sentence, then it would not have occurred in the Children's Court. Keep in mind that it is a magistrate who presides here. ordered the boy to undergo a positive sexuality course as part of his probation. Again, you really need to analyse your cases more. Move this towards the middle of your paragraph so that you can have more of a discussion on it, particularly how it demonstrates your judgement in relation to the question. Ultimately, the criminal justice system uses the Children’s Court in order for young offenders to achieve receive justice. Feedback in this paragraph relates to the previous one - you need to be sustaining an argument throughout, rather than just top and tailing your judgement at the beginning and end.

Lastly, the three-tiered system of diversionary processes alternatives to court also enables the criminal justice system to treat young offenders differently in order for justice to be achieved. This thesis is far too repetitive - try to word it differently  Under the Young Offenders Act 1997 (NSW), children who have committed an offence proceed through a three-tiered system of diversionary processes known as warnings, cautions and youth justice conferences. These programs allow children to have alternative punishments to traditional criminal processes and court penalties, thus allowing the criminal justice system to treat young offenders differently. The use of warnings allow children to have no conditions attached to their offence which is detailed under s15 of the YOA. Police can also issue a more formal warning in the form of a caution, which can only be given if the child admits to the offence or has a legal guardian present. Way, way way too much content dumping. You only need to mention content in your elaboration (where you cited the YOA the first time). After that, the focus should be on introducing media articles,
 cases, statistics which prove your judgement.Furthermore, the youth justice conference allows the offender to take responsibility for their actions and to promote better family understanding of the issues. However, a report entitled “Reoffending among young people cautioned by police or who participated in a youth justice conference” reveals that the introduction of police cautions and youth justice conferences have led to a significant increase in recidivism rates. For example, in 2004-05, approximately 1,200 young offenders completed a YJC or received a caution, which resulted in 58% reoffending within the next five years.Analyse this statistic. What does this show? What's the purpose of including this statistic? Nevertheless, the criminal justice system uses the three-tiered system of diversionary processes in order for young offenders to achieve justice. This lacks a judgement. Is the statement you were provided highly accurate, partially accurate, or inaccurate?You could flesh out this argument with a more sophisticated discussion on warnings. i.e. Police discretion allows young offenders to avoid the court system. Children who undergo the court process are more likely to develop criminal tendencies etc etc..

Therefore, it is clear that the criminal justice system needs to treat young offenders differently in order for justice to be achieved. This has resulted in the notion of doli incapax, which considers the capacity for young offenders to recognise right from wrong, the Children’s Court which allows special provisions for young offenders and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes which allows children to have alternative sentences Lacks a final, conclusive judgement regarding the accuracy of the statement.

First off, a quick foreword that I tend to mark somewhat harsher than that of normal markers. Please don't take anything to heart, I'm a HSC student just like you and could easily have made some errors.

There you go, feedback is in red, suggestions are in blue.  :)

Overall feedback:
Your topic sentence for every paragraph is the exact same, with only slight changes depending on what specifically you're talking about. While this helps you in terms of simplicity, it becomes way too mundane for the marker. I'll also mention that your thesis is lacking a judgement. The question is literally 'To what extent is this statement true?', so your entire essay is supposed to be whether you think it's true or not. Based off memory I only remember a handful of times where a judgement was explicitly mentioned. Also, your analysis of media articles and cases are far too short. These are supposed to be the backbone of your argument, so it needs to be discussed so much more. You could easily achieve this by cutting down on your content and focusing more on the analysis of cases. Furthermore, you tend to bring in the case in your second last sentence. If you were to introduce it in the middle or near the beginning, you could easily have a more sophisticated discussion of it.

Strong points would include your structure, which I believe is the ideal way to answer this question. The evidence you provide are great (but like I said, you lack an actual analysis of them). Also, you clearly understand your crime content.

I would give this essay a 9/15. Reason being is that it ticks all the boxes in that range. In order to reach the 10-12 range, specific areas to work on are:
-Making a judgement
-Analysis of evidence
-Legal terminology
-Reference the statement! Use quotes to show you're actually including it in your response.

You're a good egg rodero, if I PM'd you one of my responses would you have a look over? Am happy to do the same in return!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: rodero on September 28, 2017, 11:27:43 am
Sure thing, send it through and I can have a look
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Korrasami on September 28, 2017, 11:30:23 am
Quote from: rodero on September 28, 2017, 10:58:21 am
‘The criminal justice system must treat young offenders differently in order to achieve
justice.’
To what extent is this statement true?


Original
Spoiler
The criminal justice system has various mechanisms to ensure that young offenders’ rights are at the forefront in order for justice to properly be achieved. For young offenders to achieve justice, the criminal justice system must take into account the negative circumstances children could be brought up in, which can result in children engaging in criminal behaviour. In order for this to be effectively executed, the criminal justice system must treat young offenders differently to a large extent. The way in which the criminal justice system has handled the treatment of young offenders is expressed through the notion of doli incapax, the Children’s Court and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes.

The notion of doli incapax reveals how the criminal justice system recognises the need for young offenders to be treated differently in order for justice to be achieved. In most cases, the community and the law recognise that young offenders have not reached full adulthood, therefore limiting their capacity to recognise right from wrong and highlights the need for young offenders to be treated differently in order for justice to achieved. Despite the application of doli incapax being criticised, especially in high-profile cases relating to heinous crimes committed by children, the importance of doli incapax for young offenders to achieve justice, is highlighted in Thomas Crofts paper ‘Doli incapax: Why children deserve its protection’ in which he states that it is consistent with the principles of international law (Convention on the Rights of the Child) in which Australia is a signatory. Furthermore, the case of Corey Davis allowed an 11 year old offender to be acquitted, thus proving that the notion of doli incapax applies. Therefore, it is clear that the criminal justice system uses doli incapax to treat young offenders differently, to ensure that justice is achieved.

The Children’s Court also reveals how the criminal justice system recognises the need for young offenders to be treated differently for justice to be achieved. Established in 1987 under the Children’s Court Act 1987 (NSW), the court has dual roles that deal with criminal matters of children under 18 years and the matters of care and protection of children. The Children’s Court follows procedures laid out under the Children’s (Criminal Proceedings) Act 1987 (NSW), which acts as a guideline for courts to show regard for children, in order for justice to be achieved. The Children’s Court allows the criminal justice system to achieve justice by allowing children’s proceedings to be conducted in a closed court in order to protect the identity of the child, to ensure differing penalties and sentencing procedures differ from those of ordinary courts. This is evident in the case of a Geelong teenager “guilty of sexually assaulting eight women” being placed on a two-year probation in which the judge ordered the boy to undergo a positive sexuality course as part of his probation. Ultimately, the criminal justice system uses the Children’s Court in order for young offenders to achieve justice.

Lastly, the three-tiered system of diversionary processes also enables the criminal justice system to treat young offenders differently in order for justice to be achieved. Under the Young Offenders Act 1997 (NSW), children who have committed an offence proceed through a three-tiered system of diversionary processes known as warnings, cautions and youth justice conferences. These programs allow children to have alternative punishments to traditional criminal processes and court penalties, thus allowing the criminal justice system to treat young offenders differently. The use of warnings allow children to have no conditions attached to their offence which is detailed under s15 of the YOA. Police can also issue a more formal warning in the form of a caution, which can only be given if the child admits to the offence or has a legal guardian present. Furthermore, the youth justice conference allows the offender to take responsibility for their actions and to promote better family understanding of the issues. However, a report entitled “Reoffending among young people cautioned by police or who participated in a youth justice conference” reveals that the introduction of police cautions and youth justice conferences have led to a significant increase in recidivism rates. For example, in 2004-05, approximately 1,200 young offenders completed a YJC or received a caution, which resulted in 58% reoffending within the next five years. Nevertheless, the criminal justice system uses the three-tiered system of diversionary processes in order for young offenders to achieve justice.

Therefore, it is clear that the criminal justice system needs to treat young offenders differently in order for justice to be achieved. This has resulted in the notion of doli incapax, which considers the capacity for young offenders to recognise right from wrong, the Children’s Court which allows special provisions for young offenders and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes which allows children to have alternative sentences.

With feedback
Spoiler
The criminal justice system has various mechanisms to ensure that young offenders’ rights are at the forefront in order for justice to properly be achieved "to achieve justice".Simple thesis, however I feel as though you aren't hitting the question correctly. Firstly, you're thesis must include your judgement to the extent you believe the statement is true. i.e. is the statement accurate to a high, partial or limited extent. Secondly, you need to explicitly refer to the statement provided. I know that throughout your essay you've been mentioning aspects of the quote, but try to have actual quotation marks so that you can indicate to the marker that you're directly answering the question. For young offenders to achieve recieve the young offender is not 'achieving justice', they're 'receiving' itjustice, the criminal justice system must take into account the negative circumstances children could be brought up in, which can result in children engaging in criminal behaviour.This sentence is a bit limiting and does not encompass the entirety of why young offenders should be treated differently. Although what you say is definitely true, I personally feel that mentioning "the vulnerability of children and their inability to produce a mens rea" is something that captures the topic much more holistically. Furthermore, this would stop you from clumping everything that you want to talk about at the end, which i'll get into later.  In order for this to be effectively executed, the criminal justice system must treat young offenders differently to a large extent.THIS is the type of sentence that markers are looking for. However, mentioning it at this point of the introduction is a bit awkward. I'd recommend cutting this sentence and merging it with your thesis. The way in which the criminal justice system has handled the treatment of young offenders is expressed through the notion of doli incapax, the Children’s Court and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes alternatives to court Okay I don't know how others feel about this, but I reckon you shouldn't dump your main ideas in the one sentence, particularly as your closing sentence. Like I said before, mention the notion of doli incapax in the statement above. Also, save the terminology of the 'three-tiered system of diversionary processes', and use it for your paragraphs. For now, you need to refer to the words of the syllabus, so call it 'alternatives to court'. This also applies for doli incapax, it's a bit petty but the actual heading is 'age of criminal responsibility', so try to include that somewhere as well. This introduction needs an extra sentence which will capture your final judgement. Thus, it is highly accurate that the criminal justice system must "treat young offenders differently"

The notion of doli incapax reveals how the criminal justice system recognises the need for young offenders to be treated differently in order for justice to be achieved. In most cases, unnecessary The community and the law recognise that young offenders have not reached full adulthood, therefore limiting their capacity to recognise right from wrong and highlights the need for young offenders to be treated differently in order for justice to achieved. Try to include legal terminology such as 'mens rea'. It might not seem important to you, but it's one of the criteria which you are being assessed on. Also, try to bring in legislation; doli incapax is regulated under the Children (Criminal Proceedings) Act 1987 Despite the application of doli incapax being criticised, especially in high-profile cases relating to heinous crimes committed by children, the importance of doli incapax for young offenders to achieve justice, is highlighted in Thomas Crofts paper ‘Doli incapax: Why children deserve its protection’ in which he states that it is consistent with the principles of international law (Convention on the Rights of the Child) in which Australia is a signatory.Nice inclusion. However, your analysis is really lacking. Whenever you cite a media article, or a case, you need to say how this relates to the question. i.e. this demonstrates that the statement is highly accurate, as...  Furthermore, the case of Corey Davis allowed an 11 year old offender to be acquitted, thus proving that the notion of doli incapax applies. This case could be fleshed out so much more if you put it before the 'despite doli incapax being criticised sentence'. Reason being is that it flows much better after your explanation of what doli incapax is. Also, the case received public outcry, hence leading you on to the next sentence. Just a quick note, proper citation of the case would be R v LMW, you can bring in the victim Corey Davis later in the sentence. Again, you haven't analysed your evidence enough - you need to show how it relates to the question. You can't just top and tail your judgement at the beginning and end of your paragraph, with no mention of it in between.  Therefore, it is clear that the criminal justice system uses doli incapax to "treat young offenders differently", to ensure that justice is achieved. For further discussion, you could bring in Bronson Blessington, the 14 year old who was sentenced to life imprisonment. This would give you a springboard to discuss the different levels of criminal responsibility. i.e. Children over 14 are not covered by doli incapax, thus breaching article 37 of the CROC, which states that no child should be sentenced to life imprisonment.


The Children’s Court also reveals how the criminal justice system recognises the need for young offenders to be treated differently for justice to be achieved. Established in 1987 Avoid repetition as it disrupts flow under the Children’s Court Act 1987 (NSW), the court has dual roles that deal with criminal matters of children under 18 years and the matters of care and protection of children. The Children’s Court follows procedures laid out under the Children’s (Criminal Proceedings) Act 1987 (NSW), which acts as a guideline for courts to show regard for children, in order for justice to be achieved. The Children’s Court allows the criminal justice system to achieve justice by allowing children’s proceedings to be conducted in a closed court in order to protect the identity of the child, to ensure differing penalties and sentencing procedures differ from those of ordinary courts. This is evident in the case of a Geelong teenager “guilty of sexually assaulting eight women” being placed on a two-year probation in which the judge I don't know much about this case. However, if it was a JUDGE who determined the sentence, then it would not have occurred in the Children's Court. Keep in mind that it is a magistrate who presides here. ordered the boy to undergo a positive sexuality course as part of his probation. Again, you really need to analyse your cases more. Move this towards the middle of your paragraph so that you can have more of a discussion on it, particularly how it demonstrates your judgement in relation to the question. Ultimately, the criminal justice system uses the Children’s Court in order for young offenders to achieve receive justice. Feedback in this paragraph relates to the previous one - you need to be sustaining an argument throughout, rather than just top and tailing your judgement at the beginning and end.

Lastly, the three-tiered system of diversionary processes alternatives to court also enables the criminal justice system to treat young offenders differently in order for justice to be achieved. This thesis is far too repetitive - try to word it differently  Under the Young Offenders Act 1997 (NSW), children who have committed an offence proceed through a three-tiered system of diversionary processes known as warnings, cautions and youth justice conferences. These programs allow children to have alternative punishments to traditional criminal processes and court penalties, thus allowing the criminal justice system to treat young offenders differently. The use of warnings allow children to have no conditions attached to their offence which is detailed under s15 of the YOA. Police can also issue a more formal warning in the form of a caution, which can only be given if the child admits to the offence or has a legal guardian present. Way, way way too much content dumping. You only need to mention content in your elaboration (where you cited the YOA the first time). After that, the focus should be on introducing media articles,
 cases, statistics which prove your judgement.Furthermore, the youth justice conference allows the offender to take responsibility for their actions and to promote better family understanding of the issues. However, a report entitled “Reoffending among young people cautioned by police or who participated in a youth justice conference” reveals that the introduction of police cautions and youth justice conferences have led to a significant increase in recidivism rates. For example, in 2004-05, approximately 1,200 young offenders completed a YJC or received a caution, which resulted in 58% reoffending within the next five years.Analyse this statistic. What does this show? What's the purpose of including this statistic? Nevertheless, the criminal justice system uses the three-tiered system of diversionary processes in order for young offenders to achieve justice. This lacks a judgement. Is the statement you were provided highly accurate, partially accurate, or inaccurate?You could flesh out this argument with a more sophisticated discussion on warnings. i.e. Police discretion allows young offenders to avoid the court system. Children who undergo the court process are more likely to develop criminal tendencies etc etc..

Therefore, it is clear that the criminal justice system needs to treat young offenders differently in order for justice to be achieved. This has resulted in the notion of doli incapax, which considers the capacity for young offenders to recognise right from wrong, the Children’s Court which allows special provisions for young offenders and the three-tiered system of diversionary processes which allows children to have alternative sentences Lacks a final, conclusive judgement regarding the accuracy of the statement.

First off, a quick foreword that I tend to mark somewhat harsher than that of normal markers. Please don't take anything to heart, I'm a HSC student just like you and could easily have made some errors.

There you go, feedback is in red, suggestions are in blue.  :)

Overall feedback:
Your topic sentence for every paragraph is the exact same, with only slight changes depending on what specifically you're talking about. While this helps you in terms of simplicity, it becomes way too mundane for the marker. I'll also mention that your thesis is lacking a judgement. The question is literally 'To what extent is this statement true?', so your entire essay is supposed to be whether you think it's true or not. Based off memory I only remember a handful of times where a judgement was explicitly mentioned. Also, your analysis of media articles and cases are far too short. These are supposed to be the backbone of your argument, so it needs to be discussed so much more. You could easily achieve this by cutting down on your content and focusing more on the analysis of cases. Furthermore, you tend to bring in the case in your second last sentence. If you were to introduce it in the middle or near the beginning, you could easily have a more sophisticated discussion of it.

Strong points would include your structure, which I believe is the ideal way to answer this question. The evidence you provide are great (but like I said, you lack an actual analysis of them). Also, you clearly understand your crime content.

I would give this essay a 9/15. Reason being is that it ticks all the boxes in that range. In order to reach the 10-12 range, specific areas to work on are:
-Making a judgement
-Analysis of evidence
-Legal terminology
-Reference the statement! Use quotes to show you're actually including it in your response.

Honestly, thank you so much! Seems that I have the foundation there, but just need further analysis and judgement! I honestly really appreciate you taking the time to mark it! Good luck in the HSC! :D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Korrasami on September 28, 2017, 11:31:43 am
Quote from: rodero on September 28, 2017, 11:27:43 am
Sure thing, send it through and I can have a look

Also, can I redo it again, and send it through to you to see if I'm made any improvements?
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: rodero on September 28, 2017, 11:33:41 am
Quote from: Korrasami on September 28, 2017, 11:31:43 am
Also, can I redo it again, and send it through to you to see if I'm made any improvements?

Of course !
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: mohanedibrahim1 on September 30, 2017, 03:22:50 pm
Hello there, i was wondering whats the best way to prepare for the world order essay for the HSC i'm assuming memorizing all the evidence and thank you.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: fantasticbeasts3 on September 30, 2017, 03:38:06 pm
Quote from: mohanedibrahim1 on September 30, 2017, 03:22:50 pm
Hello there, i was wondering whats the best way to prepare for the world order essay for the HSC i'm assuming memorizing all the evidence and thank you.

hi! i don't do world order, sorry, but a quick tip: memorising evidence is a good way to prepare, but writing out practice responses and submitting them to this thread once you've reached 50 posts, or emailing them to your teacher is even better! also, if you're asking a question, there are question threads for each subject, such as the legal one here.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 02, 2017, 01:24:01 am
Quote from: Mary_a on September 27, 2017, 02:47:09 pm
Written under exam conditions, please dear god help. I can write a great English essay, but for some reason, not a legal essay. (Also, I typed up the written essay.) Thank you, thank you, thank you. Also, expect a law reform one soon and a family one. Thank you!


Also, is it now 50 posts? If so, how many more do i need now if I don't qualify for this one, or want to qualify for another one? Thank you

Hey Mary! Essay is attached with feedback in bold ;D


Spoiler
Evaluate The Effectiveness of the Criminal Trial Process as a Means of Achieving Justice:

The criminal trial process is an intricate and complex system that incorporates specific areas such as the jury system, complete and partial defences and the adversarial process. These elements attempt to achieve justice by trying to balance the rights of the offenders, victims and society. This introduction is fairly short, you'd prefer to have a smaller body and really setup your essay properly here!

The jury system attempts to achieve justice in the criminal trial process by its separation form the decision upon sentencing, and is governed by the Jury Act 1977 (NSW). How effective is it in this attempt? Make that judgement obvious from the start. The jury system attempts to balance the rights of the offenders, victims and society because it upholds the Doctrine of Natural Justice by granting the accuses the right to a fair hearing by an impartial judge and jury, juries draw strength and credibility from numbers by majority verdicts and the standard of proof, where someone is bound guilty beyond reasonable doubt. Very long sentence there - Use simple expression! Make concepts easy for your marker to follow! The jury system also attempts to achieve justice by catering for the needs of society by their ability to apply current community values and ethical standards as well as helping to remove bias through the jury deciding upon verdicts as oppose to judge along trials. Good - Again, simpler expression but the concept is solid. Perhaps a media article/quote to support your stance? However, whilst the jury system attempts to achieve justice by balancing the rights of victims, offenders and society, there is also a lack of effectiveness within the jury system. Despite juries attempting to eliminate bias, they may be inclined to be more emotional than judges as well as influenced by the media. Although jurors are instructed to base their verdicts only on evidence they hear in court, in a case where there has been a lot of media coverage, it may be very difficult for jurors to ignore the media and remain impartial. This would be a great place to include a media article, I know there has been a few on this issue! Impartiality is a fundamental right in the court system and its lack of representation in the trial denies the accused their rights and does not uphold the doctrine of natural justice and therefore, jury systems, whilst attempting to balance the rights of offenders, victims and society, do not always achieve justice. Good points raised! Be sure your paragraphs have a proper conclusion with a definitive evaluation to finish.

Defences to criminal charges can be classified as complete or partial and result in no conviction or a lesser conviction. Your marker knows this, you don't need definitions! These defences attempt to achieve justice for victims, offenders and society, however, do not always appropriately balance their needs. The complete defence of self defences requires a defendant to admit to committing the criminal offence, knowing it was wrong, but he/she claims to be acting to defend himself/herself/someone else from the attack. Ditto here, you don't need to define these aspects of your response, get straight into your analysis! Self defence attempts to achieve justice as people should be able to to protect themselves from harm (protection of individual rights) and can only be used if the force is necessary and reasonable, however, this defence cannot always be properly proved, resulting in an inadequate achievement of justice for victims. The R v. Silva case (2015) highlighted that self defence cannot always be accurately proved in the first attempt, who stabbed her boyfriend after abusive threats, violent and ice-addled rage imposed upon her. She was originally convicted of manslaughter however, she appealed the conviction, arguing she was acting in self defence and the NSW Court Of Criminal Appeal questioned her conviction. The initial conviction did not achieve justice of Silva and its lack of justice in the original riling did not balance Silva’s rights, tech criminal court only achieving justice for Silva after an appeal, if Silva did not have adequate access to legal representation in the appeal, she may have not had access to justice. This is an excellent case to use for your argument, but you've taken too long to break it down. It should be one to two sentences, brief case details, then "This case shows __________," to make your judgement straight away. Then immediately jump to your next example! The partial defence of provocation has been exploited in such manners that it no longer achieves justice for victims, offenders and society. Despite its ability to allow women who have suffered years of abuse to reduce their liability if they cause the death of the abuse, this defence has been used to legitimise lethal acts of domestic violence such as R v. Ramage (2004) and R v. Singh (2012), and does not achieve justice for victims. Fantastic! Both wives left their abusive husbands, Ramage and Singh, whom brutally murdered their wives. Singh murdered his wife by cutting her throat with a box cutter 23 times and was sentenced to only 8 years after pleading provocation. This is unnecessary detail, you've already made your argument! The community outrage at the killing being desired as ‘manslaughter’ and not ‘murder’ and the sentences length highlights that the exploitation of this defence does not achieve justice for victims and society, as society continues to question how a man who kills his wife in such circumstances can be entitled to even a partial defence to murder. It actually lead to a review of provocation as a defence, you might wish to mention that! Thus, completely and partial defences, whilst perhaps achieving justice for offenders does limit the justice achieved for society and victims, especially when these defences are brutally exploited. Overall, very solid paragraph - You could just be more succinct and more obvious with your judgements at times!

The adversarial process attempts to achieve justice by upholding the doctrine of natural justice, as it requires the individual right to an impartial jury, judge/magistrate and a right to a fair hearing. The adversarial system is effective for victims and offenders as both parties are heard and given the chance to represent their cases, thus, upholding the doctrine of natural justice. Good. The standards of evidence help remove hearsay and opinion by classifying evidence as admissible or inadmissible, granting the accused a fairer trial and by extent attempts to achieve justice. Try not to say 'attempts,' it makes you seem a little unsure about the argument! It DOES achieve justice! Cross examination in the adversarial system also allows the jury to see and hear both sides of a case, upholding the doctrine of natural justice. However, the adversarial system also is also lacking in effectiveness that inhibits its ability to achieve justice. Slightly awkward in expression here? The delay in cases, as a result of the lack of resource efficiency, inhibits its ability to achieve justice as “justice delayed is justice denied.” Be sure to reference where this quote has come from! Justice is rendered ineffective as equality and access can be absent in a case when one side can afford legal representation and one cannot. Thus, the side with more monetary abilities can afford the best lawyer which may manipulate the jury. Any statistics/media to support this statement? Thus, the lack of equality and access to legal representation inhibits the adversarial system’s ability to achiever justice.

Overall, the criminal trial process attempts to achieve justice by balancing the rights of victims, offenders and society, however the exploitation of certain areas of defences and the adversarial system inhibits its ability to achieve justice. One sentence conclusion isn't a huge deal but something more substantial would definitely be a good thing if you had the time!

This is definitely a strong response to a brutal question Mary!

- I like the way you've structured the response into well defined aspects of the Trial system, very easy to follow. Good work there ;D
- You've made attempts to make regular judgements, which is fantastic - Just be sure these arguments are deliberate and high modality. "DOES achieve justice," "DOESN'T achieve justice," etc etc. This is especially important in the first sentence, the judgement needs to be super clear and focused, even if that is a "halfway" argument.
- More varied evidence would be fantastic: You've got some legislation/cases, would love some media, some stats, some reports! In general you want 3-4 per paragraph at minimum, but this question is super specific so I didn't necessarily expect that here.
- Watch your expression, hard to follow in a few places :)
- You don't need definitions! Your markers are Legal teachers so they know what all the words mean ;D

I hope these comments are helpful for you! :) let me know if I can clarify anything for you!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Mary_a on October 03, 2017, 10:51:08 am
Quote from: jamonwindeyer on October 02, 2017, 01:24:01 am
Hey Mary! Essay is attached with feedback in bold ;D


Spoiler
Evaluate The Effectiveness of the Criminal Trial Process as a Means of Achieving Justice:

The criminal trial process is an intricate and complex system that incorporates specific areas such as the jury system, complete and partial defences and the adversarial process. These elements attempt to achieve justice by trying to balance the rights of the offenders, victims and society. This introduction is fairly short, you'd prefer to have a smaller body and really setup your essay properly here!

The jury system attempts to achieve justice in the criminal trial process by its separation form the decision upon sentencing, and is governed by the Jury Act 1977 (NSW). How effective is it in this attempt? Make that judgement obvious from the start. The jury system attempts to balance the rights of the offenders, victims and society because it upholds the Doctrine of Natural Justice by granting the accuses the right to a fair hearing by an impartial judge and jury, juries draw strength and credibility from numbers by majority verdicts and the standard of proof, where someone is bound guilty beyond reasonable doubt. Very long sentence there - Use simple expression! Make concepts easy for your marker to follow! The jury system also attempts to achieve justice by catering for the needs of society by their ability to apply current community values and ethical standards as well as helping to remove bias through the jury deciding upon verdicts as oppose to judge along trials. Good - Again, simpler expression but the concept is solid. Perhaps a media article/quote to support your stance? However, whilst the jury system attempts to achieve justice by balancing the rights of victims, offenders and society, there is also a lack of effectiveness within the jury system. Despite juries attempting to eliminate bias, they may be inclined to be more emotional than judges as well as influenced by the media. Although jurors are instructed to base their verdicts only on evidence they hear in court, in a case where there has been a lot of media coverage, it may be very difficult for jurors to ignore the media and remain impartial. This would be a great place to include a media article, I know there has been a few on this issue! Impartiality is a fundamental right in the court system and its lack of representation in the trial denies the accused their rights and does not uphold the doctrine of natural justice and therefore, jury systems, whilst attempting to balance the rights of offenders, victims and society, do not always achieve justice. Good points raised! Be sure your paragraphs have a proper conclusion with a definitive evaluation to finish.

Defences to criminal charges can be classified as complete or partial and result in no conviction or a lesser conviction. Your marker knows this, you don't need definitions! These defences attempt to achieve justice for victims, offenders and society, however, do not always appropriately balance their needs. The complete defence of self defences requires a defendant to admit to committing the criminal offence, knowing it was wrong, but he/she claims to be acting to defend himself/herself/someone else from the attack. Ditto here, you don't need to define these aspects of your response, get straight into your analysis! Self defence attempts to achieve justice as people should be able to to protect themselves from harm (protection of individual rights) and can only be used if the force is necessary and reasonable, however, this defence cannot always be properly proved, resulting in an inadequate achievement of justice for victims. The R v. Silva case (2015) highlighted that self defence cannot always be accurately proved in the first attempt, who stabbed her boyfriend after abusive threats, violent and ice-addled rage imposed upon her. She was originally convicted of manslaughter however, she appealed the conviction, arguing she was acting in self defence and the NSW Court Of Criminal Appeal questioned her conviction. The initial conviction did not achieve justice of Silva and its lack of justice in the original riling did not balance Silva’s rights, tech criminal court only achieving justice for Silva after an appeal, if Silva did not have adequate access to legal representation in the appeal, she may have not had access to justice. This is an excellent case to use for your argument, but you've taken too long to break it down. It should be one to two sentences, brief case details, then "This case shows __________," to make your judgement straight away. Then immediately jump to your next example! The partial defence of provocation has been exploited in such manners that it no longer achieves justice for victims, offenders and society. Despite its ability to allow women who have suffered years of abuse to reduce their liability if they cause the death of the abuse, this defence has been used to legitimise lethal acts of domestic violence such as R v. Ramage (2004) and R v. Singh (2012), and does not achieve justice for victims. Fantastic! Both wives left their abusive husbands, Ramage and Singh, whom brutally murdered their wives. Singh murdered his wife by cutting her throat with a box cutter 23 times and was sentenced to only 8 years after pleading provocation. This is unnecessary detail, you've already made your argument! The community outrage at the killing being desired as ‘manslaughter’ and not ‘murder’ and the sentences length highlights that the exploitation of this defence does not achieve justice for victims and society, as society continues to question how a man who kills his wife in such circumstances can be entitled to even a partial defence to murder. It actually lead to a review of provocation as a defence, you might wish to mention that! Thus, completely and partial defences, whilst perhaps achieving justice for offenders does limit the justice achieved for society and victims, especially when these defences are brutally exploited. Overall, very solid paragraph - You could just be more succinct and more obvious with your judgements at times!

The adversarial process attempts to achieve justice by upholding the doctrine of natural justice, as it requires the individual right to an impartial jury, judge/magistrate and a right to a fair hearing. The adversarial system is effective for victims and offenders as both parties are heard and given the chance to represent their cases, thus, upholding the doctrine of natural justice. Good. The standards of evidence help remove hearsay and opinion by classifying evidence as admissible or inadmissible, granting the accused a fairer trial and by extent attempts to achieve justice. Try not to say 'attempts,' it makes you seem a little unsure about the argument! It DOES achieve justice! Cross examination in the adversarial system also allows the jury to see and hear both sides of a case, upholding the doctrine of natural justice. However, the adversarial system also is also lacking in effectiveness that inhibits its ability to achieve justice. Slightly awkward in expression here? The delay in cases, as a result of the lack of resource efficiency, inhibits its ability to achieve justice as “justice delayed is justice denied.” Be sure to reference where this quote has come from! Justice is rendered ineffective as equality and access can be absent in a case when one side can afford legal representation and one cannot. Thus, the side with more monetary abilities can afford the best lawyer which may manipulate the jury. Any statistics/media to support this statement? Thus, the lack of equality and access to legal representation inhibits the adversarial system’s ability to achiever justice.

Overall, the criminal trial process attempts to achieve justice by balancing the rights of victims, offenders and society, however the exploitation of certain areas of defences and the adversarial system inhibits its ability to achieve justice. One sentence conclusion isn't a huge deal but something more substantial would definitely be a good thing if you had the time!

This is definitely a strong response to a brutal question Mary!

- I like the way you've structured the response into well defined aspects of the Trial system, very easy to follow. Good work there ;D
- You've made attempts to make regular judgements, which is fantastic - Just be sure these arguments are deliberate and high modality. "DOES achieve justice," "DOESN'T achieve justice," etc etc. This is especially important in the first sentence, the judgement needs to be super clear and focused, even if that is a "halfway" argument.
- More varied evidence would be fantastic: You've got some legislation/cases, would love some media, some stats, some reports! In general you want 3-4 per paragraph at minimum, but this question is super specific so I didn't necessarily expect that here.
- Watch your expression, hard to follow in a few places :)
- You don't need definitions! Your markers are Legal teachers so they know what all the words mean ;D

I hope these comments are helpful for you! :) let me know if I can clarify anything for you!

Hey Jamon,

Thank you so much!!! I will definitely take notes and learn from your feedback! I just wanted to clarify, that my arguments need to be stronger and more definitive? I feel like that's my problem for all legal essays.

Question, how would you address a law reform question?

Cheers,

Mary
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: caitlinlddouglas on October 03, 2017, 08:45:55 pm
Hey would you mind having a look at my essay for crime? i tried to do it under time conditions and i know its not the best, but would you mind outlining how i could cut it down a bit?  Thanks heaps!
'Evaluate the role of law reform in the criminal justice system'
Law reform is imperative to the criminal justice system as it enables the law to continually reflect the changing moral and ethical standards in society, whilst responding to perceived failures of existing law and the rise of new technologies. As such law reform can allow for the greater protection of individual rights and enhance the effectiveness of criminal law. Recent reforms which have resulted from media and public pressure, however, have to a large extent resulted in greater protection for the community at the cost of individual rights. Thus, law reform whilst intrinsically linked to achieving an effective criminal justice system has been only partially effective.
Overtime law reform has played an essential role in the pursuit of equality and gaining a balance between police power and individual rights. This has led to a series of critical changes to the criminal investigation process. Specifically, prior to 2013, the rights of victims were not adequately recognised by the criminal investigation process, when criminal biker gangs would suddenly produce an alibi after the prosecution had spent months preparing for a case. This resulted in a substantial loss of resource with no justice realised for victims. Drafted with through a parliamentary committee and the assistance of police, the Evidence Amendment (Evidence of Silence) Act 2013 (NSW) was seen as an effective response to this perceived failure and allowed for improved resource efficiency and better recognition of the victim and community’s rights. Despite the best intentions of the reform, it was widely criticised with Law Society President Justin Down stating that a lack of community consultation had led to a poor law that failed to protect individual rights and had a negative impact on accused persons with limited knowledge of the criminal investigation process. This conveys that to be effective, law reform must consider all stake holders. Furthermore, it demonstrates the challenges of law reform in addressing the critical tension between protecting society’s rights without on infringing on those of the accused. Despite the inadequacies of this law, law reform means that these can be addressed, so as to provide better outcomes for all of society.
Law reform has also played a key role with regard to bail, in an attempt to improve resource efficiency and better balance the rights of individuals and society. The introduction of the bail Act 2013 (NSW) was considered a necessary change as the previous Bail Act 1978 (NSW) had been amended over eighty times. Such extensive reform had led to extremely complex legislation that failed to provide the efficiency required for the criminal justice system to function effectively. The new Bail Act 2013 (NSW), introduced following a comprehensive report by the NSW Law Reform Commission, attempted to provide greater clarity and more consistent application of the law, whilst addressing the increasing rates of remand across NSW. It replaced the extensive list of presumptions for and against bail with an unacceptable risk test. Initially the reform was effective, leading to a decrease in remand levels, however, the case of Mohamoud Hawi in 2014, who received bail on murder charges and a series of other controversial cases conveys the influence of the media in instigating immediate reform, often with insufficient consultation. Despite Justice Harrison stating with regard to hawi’s case that the risks “had been mitigated by imposing strict conditions”, immense media pressure form radio shock jocks and tabloid newspapers led to the introduction of ‘show cause’ measures for serious criminal charges. Despite the changes providing greater protection for society, thy limited the judge’s discretion as well as significantly implicating the ‘presumption of innocence’, a fundamental legal right. The subsequent increase in remand levels conveys that the reform has not been effective in addressing key issues. These amendments indicate the success of law reform within the criminal justice system is dependent on measured considered research and recommendations form relevant legal bodies rather than calls for reform by the media.
Law reform has also been pivotal within the sentencing process of the criminal justice system. Reforms to this area, as governed by the Crimes (Sentencing and Procedures) Act 1999 (NSW) are highly important as they largely determine how offenders will be treated and reintegrated into society. Principally, for sentences to be just for the victim, offender and society, they must enable judicial discretion to be exercised. The case of R v Loveridge (2013) where Loveridge was imprisoned and charged with manslaughter led to major reform to sentencing. This was driven by media outrage at his original sentence of five years and 2 months. Minimum mandatory sentences for causing death with a single strike were introduced less than 3 months later, also making it mandatory for intoxication to be an aggravating factor. The reform was considered effective as it improves justice for the victim and acts as a general deterrent. Despite this, the Law Council was critical of the amendment, stating that mandatory imprisonment will lead to “the individual engaging in more serious criminal acts down the track.” Furthermore, the reforms remove judicial discretion and further impact the rights of the offender, which could result in less responsive and suitable sentencing and punishment from being achieved. Consequently law reform has to an extent been effective within this area of the criminal justice system.
An evaluation of the impact of law reform into the above areas of the criminal justice system conveys that reform is the most effective mechanism in addressing key issues that arise from criminal law. These reforms, whilst failing to provide greater protections for offenders and the accused have responded to society’s calls for harsher legislation, so as to recognise the rights of the victim and the community. In this respect, law reform has successfully reflected society’s changing ethical and moral standards. It must be noted, however, that Law reform is fundamental to the criminal justice system, so that more effective, just outcomes for the victim, offender and society may eventually be realised.
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: rodero on October 04, 2017, 11:04:25 am
Quote from: caitlinlddouglas on October 03, 2017, 08:45:55 pm
Hey would you mind having a look at my essay for crime? i tried to do it under time conditions and i know its not the best, but would you mind outlining how i could cut it down a bit?  Thanks heaps!

Hey ! :)

Looks like you qualify for an essay marked. I wouldn't mind taking a look at it and giving you some feedback. Peer marking won't cost you anything, and it's quite beneficial for both of us :). I marked an essay not too long ago so you can check that out too! However, I completely understand if you'd prefer to have it marked by an actual ATARNotes lecturer. Let me know if you're fine with me marking it and I'll have a look ASAP

Cheers :D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 04, 2017, 12:49:38 pm
Quote from: caitlinlddouglas on October 03, 2017, 08:45:55 pm
Hey would you mind having a look at my essay for crime? i tried to do it under time conditions and i know its not the best, but would you mind outlining how i could cut it down a bit?  Thanks heaps!

Hey! You got feedback on a Module B essay a few weeks ago so you'll need 75 posts to get it marked by Elyse or myself!

Quote from: rodero on October 04, 2017, 11:04:25 am
Hey ! :)

Looks like you qualify for an essay marked. I wouldn't mind taking a look at it and giving you some feedback. Peer marking won't cost you anything, and it's quite beneficial for both of us :). I marked an essay not too long ago so you can check that out too! However, I completely understand if you'd prefer to have it marked by an actual ATARNotes lecturer. Let me know if you're fine with me marking it and I'll have a look ASAP

Cheers :D

Highly recommend you get rodero to give you some feedback - He is incredible. And was can always mark another version later once you meet count ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: caitlinlddouglas on October 04, 2017, 08:02:06 pm
Quote from: rodero on October 04, 2017, 11:04:25 am
Hey ! :)

Looks like you qualify for an essay marked. I wouldn't mind taking a look at it and giving you some feedback. Peer marking won't cost you anything, and it's quite beneficial for both of us :). I marked an essay not too long ago so you can check that out too! However, I completely understand if you'd prefer to have it marked by an actual ATARNotes lecturer. Let me know if you're fine with me marking it and I'll have a look ASAP

Cheers :D


Hey thanks that would be really great rodero! I can look at yours too if you wanted
Cheers
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 04, 2017, 11:20:00 pm
Quote from: Mary_a on October 03, 2017, 10:51:08 am
Hey Jamon,

Thank you so much!!! I will definitely take notes and learn from your feedback! I just wanted to clarify, that my arguments need to be stronger and more definitive? I feel like that's my problem for all legal essays.

Question, how would you address a law reform question?

Cheers,

Mary

Yep that's exactly right, you just need to be more confident in your arguments - More "Yep, this is definitely true and this is why."

I'd probably address it in terms of reforms to key areas of the CJS - One paragraph on each. So say, a paragraph on the various reforms to LEPRA, a paragraph on reforms to the Bail Act, etc ;D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: rodero on October 05, 2017, 12:00:28 am
Quote from: caitlinlddouglas on October 04, 2017, 06:20:49 pm
Hey thanks that would be great rodero! I can look at yours too if you wanted
Cheers

Awesome!

Evaluate the role of law reform in the criminal justice system

Original
Spoiler
Law reform is imperative to the criminal justice system as it enables the law to continually reflect the changing moral and ethical standards in society, whilst responding to perceived failures of existing law and the rise of new technologies. As such law reform can allow for the greater protection of individual rights and enhance the effectiveness of criminal law. Recent reforms which have resulted from media and public pressure, however, have to a large extent resulted in greater protection for the community at the cost of individual rights. Thus, law reform whilst intrinsically linked to achieving an effective criminal justice system has been only partially effective.

Overtime law reform has played an essential role in the pursuit of equality and gaining a balance between police power and individual rights. This has led to a series of critical changes to the criminal investigation process. Specifically, prior to 2013, the rights of victims were not adequately recognised by the criminal investigation process, when criminal biker gangs would suddenly produce an alibi after the prosecution had spent months preparing for a case. This resulted in a substantial loss of resource with no justice realised for victims. Drafted with through a parliamentary committee and the assistance of police, the Evidence Amendment (Evidence of Silence) Act 2013 (NSW) was seen as an effective response to this perceived failure and allowed for improved resource efficiency and better recognition of the victim and community’s rights. Despite the best intentions of the reform, it was widely criticised with Law Society President Justin Down stating that a lack of community consultation had led to a poor law that failed to protect individual rights and had a negative impact on accused persons with limited knowledge of the criminal investigation process. This conveys that to be effective, law reform must consider all stake holders. Furthermore, it demonstrates the challenges of law reform in addressing the critical tension between protecting society’s rights without on infringing on those of the accused. Despite the inadequacies of this law, law reform means that these can be addressed, so as to provide better outcomes for all of society.

Law reform has also played a key role with regard to bail, in an attempt to improve resource efficiency and better balance the rights of individuals and society. The introduction of the bail Act 2013 (NSW) was considered a necessary change as the previous Bail Act 1978 (NSW) had been amended over eighty times. Such extensive reform had led to extremely complex legislation that failed to provide the efficiency required for the criminal justice system to function effectively. The new Bail Act 2013 (NSW), introduced following a comprehensive report by the NSW Law Reform Commission, attempted to provide greater clarity and more consistent application of the law, whilst addressing the increasing rates of remand across NSW. It replaced the extensive list of presumptions for and against bail with an unacceptable risk test. Initially the reform was effective, leading to a decrease in remand levels, however, the case of Mohamoud Hawi in 2014, who received bail on murder charges and a series of other controversial cases conveys the influence of the media in instigating immediate reform, often with insufficient consultation. Despite Justice Harrison stating with regard to hawi’s case that the risks “had been mitigated by imposing strict conditions”, immense media pressure form radio shock jocks and tabloid newspapers led to the introduction of ‘show cause’ measures for serious criminal charges. Despite the changes providing greater protection for society, thy limited the judge’s discretion as well as significantly implicating the ‘presumption of innocence’, a fundamental legal right. The subsequent increase in remand levels conveys that the reform has not been effective in addressing key issues. These amendments indicate the success of law reform within the criminal justice system is dependent on measured considered research and recommendations form relevant legal bodies rather than calls for reform by the media.

Law reform has also been pivotal within the sentencing process of the criminal justice system. Reforms to this area, as governed by the Crimes (Sentencing and Procedures) Act 1999 (NSW) are highly important as they largely determine how offenders will be treated and reintegrated into society. Principally, for sentences to be just for the victim, offender and society, they must enable judicial discretion to be exercised. The case of R v Loveridge (2013) where Loveridge was imprisoned and charged with manslaughter led to major reform to sentencing. This was driven by media outrage at his original sentence of five years and 2 months. Minimum mandatory sentences for causing death with a single strike were introduced less than 3 months later, also making it mandatory for intoxication to be an aggravating factor. The reform was considered effective as it improves justice for the victim and acts as a general deterrent. Despite this, the Law Council was critical of the amendment, stating that mandatory imprisonment will lead to “the individual engaging in more serious criminal acts down the track.” Furthermore, the reforms remove judicial discretion and further impact the rights of the offender, which could result in less responsive and suitable sentencing and punishment from being achieved. Consequently law reform has to an extent been effective within this area of the criminal justice system.

An evaluation of the impact of law reform into the above areas of the criminal justice system conveys that reform is the most effective mechanism in addressing key issues that arise from criminal law. These reforms, whilst failing to provide greater protections for offenders and the accused have responded to society’s calls for harsher legislation, so as to recognise the rights of the victim and the community. In this respect, law reform has successfully reflected society’s changing ethical and moral standards. It must be noted, however, that Law reform is fundamental to the criminal justice system, so that more effective, just outcomes for the victim, offender and society may eventually be realised.

With feedback
Spoiler
Law reform is imperative to the criminal justice system as it enables the law to continually reflect the changing moral and ethical standards in of society, whilst responding to perceived failures of existing law and the rise of new technologies and perceived failures of existing law. Solid thesis; good integration of the theme/challenge as well. I swapped the second half of the sentence to help with expression and flow As such law reform can allow for the greater protection of individual rights and enhance the effectiveness of criminal law. Recent reforms which have resulted from media and public pressure, however, have to a large extent resulted in greater protection for the community at the cost of individual rights. In light of the past two sentences, it looks as though what you're saying is that law reform can protect individual rights, but at times it can prioritise the community instead? A statement like that could be communicated much more succinctly through the inclusion of the whole 'balancing the rights of victims, offenders and society' phrase. Another note would be that you haven't mentioned what you're talking about. While what you say about law reform has been great, you're completely missing the second half of the question; that is, 'the criminal justice system'. This means that if you want to answer all aspects of the question in your introduction, then you need to bring up your key points such as bail, rights of suspects, and statutory guidelines The significance of law reform in addressing the diverse nature of criminal law is evident through amendments to the rights of suspects, bail and statutory guidelines That's just an example off the top of my head and is no means perfect, but the idea is that you bring in the topic of your paragraphs in the introduction, so that the marker knows from the get-go what it is you'll be writing about Thus, law reform whilst intrinsically linked to achieving an effective criminal justice system has been only partially effective.You're starting to get sidetracked here. The question is 'evaluate the ROLE of law reform',
 not 'evaluate the EFFECTIVENESS of law reform'. So your essay shouldn't be focused on whether or not it's been effective (though you can mention it a few times), instead it should say something along the lines of.. Thus, law reform is essential for the achievement of justice, so plays a highly significant role in the criminal justice systeml

Overtime Over time, law reform has played an essential role in the pursuit of equality and gaining a balance between police power and individual rights in relation to the rights of suspects.I would remove the 'police powers and individual rights' part and swap it in for 'rights of suspects'. Reason being is that when I first read this paragraph I thought that you were going to be talking about law reform regarding police powers, which is a different dot point - once I finished reading I realised it was on the rights of suspects instead. This has led to a series of critical changes to the criminal investigation process. This is a bit of unnecessary fluff; it's contributing to your word count and time, but it isn't really adding anything to your essay. You're more than welcome to delete this sentence completely, just make sure you get rid of the 'specifically' in your next sentence Specifically, prior to 2013, the rights of victims were not adequately recognised by in the criminal investigation process, when criminal biker gangs would suddenly produce an alibi after the prosecution had spent months preparing for a case. This resulted in a substantial loss of resource with no justice realised for victims. Drafted with through a parliamentary committee and the assistance of police, I might seem a bit harsh but like I said before, this extra fluff isn't grabbing you any extra marks. In reality, if you got rid of all of the unnecessary words you could easily fit an extra bit of evidence to strengthen your argument in relation to the question  The Evidence Amendment (Evidence of Silence) Act 2013 (NSW) was seen as an effective response to this perceived failure and allowed for improved resource efficiency and better recognition of the victim and community’s rights.The analysis here is all well and good, though it could benefit with a tiny description about what this amendment actually did i.e The Evidence Amendment (Evidence of Silence) Act 2013 (NSW) allowed the jury to draw a "guilty inference" when the accused brings new evidence that was not said during questioning. This demonstrates that law reform plays a highly significant role in the criminal justice system, as it is integral for the achievement of resource efficiency and facilitates a better recognition of the rights of the victim and society Despite the best intentions of the reform, it was widely criticised with Law Society President Justin Down stating that a lack of community consultation had led to a poor law that failed to protect individual rights and deleted to avoid repetition. Individual rights and the rights of the accused are virtually the same thing in this context had a negative impact on accused persons with limited knowledge of the criminal investigation process. This conveys that to be effective, law reform must consider all stake holders members of society Personally I'm a bit iffy on the use of the word 'stakeholders' in a legal studies context. It just seems more of a business term to me. Even then, the sentence sounds a bit clunky when said aloud. Furthermore, it demonstrates the challenges of law reform in addressing the critical tension between protecting society’s rights without on infringing on those of the accused. Despite the inadequacies of this law, law reform means that these can be addressed, so as to provide better outcomes for all of society. This sentence is a bit confusing. It just seems like a sudden jump from 'allowing for resource efficiency' to calling it 'inadequate'.
 In any case, this linking sentence isn't going back to the actual question. You need to finish this paragraph up with your judgement. i.e. Does law reform play a highly significant role, an insignificant role, etc.

Law reform has also played a key role with regard to bail, in an attempt to improve resource efficiency and better balance the rights of individuals and society.This is a good thesis statement. Try to reciprocate it throughout your essay The introduction of the bBail Amendment Act 2013 (NSW) was considered a necessary change as the previous Bail Act 1978 (NSW) had been amended over eighty times to no success I don't see the correlation between being amended several times and needing to be amended again? For expression sake, I've added a few extra words. Such extensive reform had led to extremely complex legislation that failed to provide the efficiency required for the criminal justice system to function effectively. The new Bail Act 2013 (NSW), introduced following a comprehensive report by the NSW Law Reform Commission, attempted to provide greater clarity and more consistent application of the law, whilst addressing the increasing rates of remand across NSW. It replaced the extensive list of presumptions for and against bail with an unacceptable risk test.This sentence is the only real bit of explanation that you need. If you got rid of the previous sentences, you could delve into a discussion of Man Monis and how he commit the Lindt Cafe Siege while on bail. Initially the reform was effective, leading to a decrease in remand levels, however, the case of Mohamoud Hawi in 2014, who received bail on murder charges and a series of other controversial cases conveys the influence of the media in instigating immediate reform, often with insufficient consultation. Despite Justice Harrison stating with regard to hawi’s case that the risks “had been mitigated by imposing strict conditions”, immense media pressure form radio shock jocks and tabloid newspapers led to the introduction of ‘show cause’ measures for serious criminal charges. Your analysis needs to include your judgement in relation to the question Despite the changes providing greater protection for society, thy limited the judge’s discretion as well as significantly implicating the ‘presumption of innocence’, a fundamental legal right. The subsequent increase in remand levels conveys that the reform has not been effective in addressing key issues. These amendments indicate the success of law reform within the criminal justice system is dependent on measured considered research and recommendations form relevant legal bodies rather than calls for reform by the media.Again, this linking statement is cluttered with a lot of ideas, though it still fails to answer the question. i.e. These amendments highlight that law reform has a profound impact on the criminal justice system. What you had in the topic sentence was a good thesis

Law reform has also been pivotal within the sentencing process of the criminal justice system. Reforms to this area, as governed by the Crimes (Sentencing and Procedures) Act 1999 (NSW) are highly important as they largely determine how offenders will be treated and reintegrated into society. Principally, for sentences to be just for the victim, offender and society, they must enable judicial discretion to be exercised. The case of R v Loveridge (2013) where Loveridge was imprisoned and charged with manslaughter led to major reform to sentencing. This was driven by media outrage at his original sentence of five years and 2 months. Minimum mandatory sentences for causing death with a single strike were introduced less than 3 months later, also making it mandatory for intoxication to be an aggravating factor. Cite the amendment - the Crimes (Assault and Intoxication) Act. In a law reform question it is CRUCIAL that you actually cite the amendmentThe reform was considered effective as it improves justice for the victim and acts as a general deterrent.Like I said before, you've been asked for how significant of a ROLE law reform plays in the CJS, not how effective it is Despite this, the Law Council was critical of the amendment, stating that mandatory imprisonment will lead to “the individual engaging in more serious criminal acts down the track.” Furthermore, the reforms remove judicial discretion and further impact the rights of the offender, which could result in less responsive and suitable sentencing and punishment from being achieved. Consequently law reform has to an extent been effective within this area of the criminal justice system.Previous feedback relates to here as well

An evaluation of the impact of law reform into the above areas of the criminal justice system conveys that reform is the most effective mechanism in addressing key issues that arise from criminal law. These reforms, whilst failing to provide greater protections for offenders and the accused have responded to society’s calls for harsher legislation, so as to recognise the rights of the victim and the community. In this respect, law reform has successfully reflected society’s changing ethical and moral standards. It must be noted, however, that Law reform is fundamental to the criminal justice system, so that more effective, just outcomes for the victim, offender and society may eventually be realised.

Conclusively, law reform has a highly significant role in the criminal justice system. These amendments attempt to adapt to the dynamic nature of society's ethical standards through changes to legislation pertaining to the rights of suspects. Likewise, the recent bail amendments demonstrate to a large extent, the ramifications that ineffective reforms have on the wider populace. Finally, law reform regarding statutory guidelines is highly significant, as the proposed changes severely restrict judicial discretion. Thus, it is clear that law reform has a significant role in the criminal justice system

First off, a quick foreword that I tend to mark somewhat harsher than that of normal markers. Please don't take anything to heart, I'm a HSC student just like you and could easily have made some errors.

Without any further ado, comments are in red, suggestions are in blue :)

General feedback:
You definitely raise some valid points regarding law reform and how it may affect the community. You've also been able to weave in some additional themes and challenges, which is great. However, there are major issues regarding the fact that you're getting sidetracked in your analysis and judgement. The question is asking for a judgement on the ROLE of law reform, not the EFFECTIVENESS of it. That being said, there have only been TWO instances throughout the entire essay where you explicitly used the word 'role', which means your ability to explicitly answer the question is severely limited.

Another note would be the fact that there is too much fluff. What I mean by fluff is words that make the essay look 'fuller' than it actually is. These fluff statements don't reward you with any extra marks, since the marker isn't getting anything out of them. You tend to have a lot of fluff in your elaboration. By culling these statements, you would then be able to introduce more cases, more media, more legislation etc. to prove your point.

My last point of feedback would be that you are introducing your law reform too late into the paragraph. The question is purely centered around the role of law reform, so the amendment must be cited much, much earlier. In your final paragraph for instance, it was only until halfway through your paragraph that the amendment was referenced

With all of these pointers, I do need to commend you on your strengths. Undeniably, you know your crime content, which will work wonders for you as Crime is such a big topic. Also, you have a fairly strong grasp on legal terminology, and you're able to weave them properly throughout the essay.

Overall, I'd give this essay a 10/15 - you have the 'sound knowledge' to get into that 10-12 range, but unfortunately your judgement was in relation to the EFFECTIVENESS of law reform, not the ROLE of law reform. As well as this, too much fluff in your paragraphs detracted from the amount of evidence and analysis that could be used.

Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Korrasami on October 05, 2017, 02:01:32 pm
Quote from: rodero on October 04, 2017, 11:04:25 am
Hey ! :)

Looks like you qualify for an essay marked. I wouldn't mind taking a look at it and giving you some feedback. Peer marking won't cost you anything, and it's quite beneficial for both of us :). I marked an essay not too long ago so you can check that out too! However, I completely understand if you'd prefer to have it marked by an actual ATARNotes lecturer. Let me know if you're fine with me marking it and I'll have a look ASAP

Cheers :D

Hey rodero, just asking if you got the essay I remade earlier?
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: rodero on October 05, 2017, 02:03:02 pm
Quote from: Korrasami on October 05, 2017, 02:01:32 pm
Hey rodero, just asking if you got the essay I remade earlier?

Doesn't look like it ! Feel free to send it through one more time :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: caitlinlddouglas on October 05, 2017, 03:58:24 pm
Quote from: rodero on October 05, 2017, 12:00:28 am
Awesome!

Evaluate the role of law reform in the criminal justice system

Original
Spoiler
Law reform is imperative to the criminal justice system as it enables the law to continually reflect the changing moral and ethical standards in society, whilst responding to perceived failures of existing law and the rise of new technologies. As such law reform can allow for the greater protection of individual rights and enhance the effectiveness of criminal law. Recent reforms which have resulted from media and public pressure, however, have to a large extent resulted in greater protection for the community at the cost of individual rights. Thus, law reform whilst intrinsically linked to achieving an effective criminal justice system has been only partially effective.

Overtime law reform has played an essential role in the pursuit of equality and gaining a balance between police power and individual rights. This has led to a series of critical changes to the criminal investigation process. Specifically, prior to 2013, the rights of victims were not adequately recognised by the criminal investigation process, when criminal biker gangs would suddenly produce an alibi after the prosecution had spent months preparing for a case. This resulted in a substantial loss of resource with no justice realised for victims. Drafted with through a parliamentary committee and the assistance of police, the Evidence Amendment (Evidence of Silence) Act 2013 (NSW) was seen as an effective response to this perceived failure and allowed for improved resource efficiency and better recognition of the victim and community’s rights. Despite the best intentions of the reform, it was widely criticised with Law Society President Justin Down stating that a lack of community consultation had led to a poor law that failed to protect individual rights and had a negative impact on accused persons with limited knowledge of the criminal investigation process. This conveys that to be effective, law reform must consider all stake holders. Furthermore, it demonstrates the challenges of law reform in addressing the critical tension between protecting society’s rights without on infringing on those of the accused. Despite the inadequacies of this law, law reform means that these can be addressed, so as to provide better outcomes for all of society.

Law reform has also played a key role with regard to bail, in an attempt to improve resource efficiency and better balance the rights of individuals and society. The introduction of the bail Act 2013 (NSW) was considered a necessary change as the previous Bail Act 1978 (NSW) had been amended over eighty times. Such extensive reform had led to extremely complex legislation that failed to provide the efficiency required for the criminal justice system to function effectively. The new Bail Act 2013 (NSW), introduced following a comprehensive report by the NSW Law Reform Commission, attempted to provide greater clarity and more consistent application of the law, whilst addressing the increasing rates of remand across NSW. It replaced the extensive list of presumptions for and against bail with an unacceptable risk test. Initially the reform was effective, leading to a decrease in remand levels, however, the case of Mohamoud Hawi in 2014, who received bail on murder charges and a series of other controversial cases conveys the influence of the media in instigating immediate reform, often with insufficient consultation. Despite Justice Harrison stating with regard to hawi’s case that the risks “had been mitigated by imposing strict conditions”, immense media pressure form radio shock jocks and tabloid newspapers led to the introduction of ‘show cause’ measures for serious criminal charges. Despite the changes providing greater protection for society, thy limited the judge’s discretion as well as significantly implicating the ‘presumption of innocence’, a fundamental legal right. The subsequent increase in remand levels conveys that the reform has not been effective in addressing key issues. These amendments indicate the success of law reform within the criminal justice system is dependent on measured considered research and recommendations form relevant legal bodies rather than calls for reform by the media.

Law reform has also been pivotal within the sentencing process of the criminal justice system. Reforms to this area, as governed by the Crimes (Sentencing and Procedures) Act 1999 (NSW) are highly important as they largely determine how offenders will be treated and reintegrated into society. Principally, for sentences to be just for the victim, offender and society, they must enable judicial discretion to be exercised. The case of R v Loveridge (2013) where Loveridge was imprisoned and charged with manslaughter led to major reform to sentencing. This was driven by media outrage at his original sentence of five years and 2 months. Minimum mandatory sentences for causing death with a single strike were introduced less than 3 months later, also making it mandatory for intoxication to be an aggravating factor. The reform was considered effective as it improves justice for the victim and acts as a general deterrent. Despite this, the Law Council was critical of the amendment, stating that mandatory imprisonment will lead to “the individual engaging in more serious criminal acts down the track.” Furthermore, the reforms remove judicial discretion and further impact the rights of the offender, which could result in less responsive and suitable sentencing and punishment from being achieved. Consequently law reform has to an extent been effective within this area of the criminal justice system.

An evaluation of the impact of law reform into the above areas of the criminal justice system conveys that reform is the most effective mechanism in addressing key issues that arise from criminal law. These reforms, whilst failing to provide greater protections for offenders and the accused have responded to society’s calls for harsher legislation, so as to recognise the rights of the victim and the community. In this respect, law reform has successfully reflected society’s changing ethical and moral standards. It must be noted, however, that Law reform is fundamental to the criminal justice system, so that more effective, just outcomes for the victim, offender and society may eventually be realised.

With feedback
Spoiler
Law reform is imperative to the criminal justice system as it enables the law to continually reflect the changing moral and ethical standards in of society, whilst responding to perceived failures of existing law and the rise of new technologies and perceived failures of existing law. Solid thesis; good integration of the theme/challenge as well. I swapped the second half of the sentence to help with expression and flow As such law reform can allow for the greater protection of individual rights and enhance the effectiveness of criminal law. Recent reforms which have resulted from media and public pressure, however, have to a large extent resulted in greater protection for the community at the cost of individual rights. In light of the past two sentences, it looks as though what you're saying is that law reform can protect individual rights, but at times it can prioritise the community instead? A statement like that could be communicated much more succinctly through the inclusion of the whole 'balancing the rights of victims, offenders and society' phrase. Another note would be that you haven't mentioned what you're talking about. While what you say about law reform has been great, you're completely missing the second half of the question; that is, 'the criminal justice system'. This means that if you want to answer all aspects of the question in your introduction, then you need to bring up your key points such as bail, rights of suspects, and statutory guidelines The significance of law reform in addressing the diverse nature of criminal law is evident through amendments to the rights of suspects, bail and statutory guidelines That's just an example off the top of my head and is no means perfect, but the idea is that you bring in the topic of your paragraphs in the introduction, so that the marker knows from the get-go what it is you'll be writing about Thus, law reform whilst intrinsically linked to achieving an effective criminal justice system has been only partially effective.You're starting to get sidetracked here. The question is 'evaluate the ROLE of law reform',
 not 'evaluate the EFFECTIVENESS of law reform'. So your essay shouldn't be focused on whether or not it's been effective (though you can mention it a few times), instead it should say something along the lines of.. Thus, law reform is essential for the achievement of justice, so plays a highly significant role in the criminal justice systeml

Overtime Over time, law reform has played an essential role in the pursuit of equality and gaining a balance between police power and individual rights in relation to the rights of suspects.I would remove the 'police powers and individual rights' part and swap it in for 'rights of suspects'. Reason being is that when I first read this paragraph I thought that you were going to be talking about law reform regarding police powers, which is a different dot point - once I finished reading I realised it was on the rights of suspects instead. This has led to a series of critical changes to the criminal investigation process. This is a bit of unnecessary fluff; it's contributing to your word count and time, but it isn't really adding anything to your essay. You're more than welcome to delete this sentence completely, just make sure you get rid of the 'specifically' in your next sentence Specifically, prior to 2013, the rights of victims were not adequately recognised by in the criminal investigation process, when criminal biker gangs would suddenly produce an alibi after the prosecution had spent months preparing for a case. This resulted in a substantial loss of resource with no justice realised for victims. Drafted with through a parliamentary committee and the assistance of police, I might seem a bit harsh but like I said before, this extra fluff isn't grabbing you any extra marks. In reality, if you got rid of all of the unnecessary words you could easily fit an extra bit of evidence to strengthen your argument in relation to the question  The Evidence Amendment (Evidence of Silence) Act 2013 (NSW) was seen as an effective response to this perceived failure and allowed for improved resource efficiency and better recognition of the victim and community’s rights.The analysis here is all well and good, though it could benefit with a tiny description about what this amendment actually did i.e The Evidence Amendment (Evidence of Silence) Act 2013 (NSW) allowed the jury to draw a "guilty inference" when the accused brings new evidence that was not said during questioning. This demonstrates that law reform plays a highly significant role in the criminal justice system, as it is integral for the achievement of resource efficiency and facilitates a better recognition of the rights of the victim and society Despite the best intentions of the reform, it was widely criticised with Law Society President Justin Down stating that a lack of community consultation had led to a poor law that failed to protect individual rights and deleted to avoid repetition. Individual rights and the rights of the accused are virtually the same thing in this context had a negative impact on accused persons with limited knowledge of the criminal investigation process. This conveys that to be effective, law reform must consider all stake holders members of society Personally I'm a bit iffy on the use of the word 'stakeholders' in a legal studies context. It just seems more of a business term to me. Even then, the sentence sounds a bit clunky when said aloud. Furthermore, it demonstrates the challenges of law reform in addressing the critical tension between protecting society’s rights without on infringing on those of the accused. Despite the inadequacies of this law, law reform means that these can be addressed, so as to provide better outcomes for all of society. This sentence is a bit confusing. It just seems like a sudden jump from 'allowing for resource efficiency' to calling it 'inadequate'.
 In any case, this linking sentence isn't going back to the actual question. You need to finish this paragraph up with your judgement. i.e. Does law reform play a highly significant role, an insignificant role, etc.

Law reform has also played a key role with regard to bail, in an attempt to improve resource efficiency and better balance the rights of individuals and society.This is a good thesis statement. Try to reciprocate it throughout your essay The introduction of the bBail Amendment Act 2013 (NSW) was considered a necessary change as the previous Bail Act 1978 (NSW) had been amended over eighty times to no success I don't see the correlation between being amended several times and needing to be amended again? For expression sake, I've added a few extra words. Such extensive reform had led to extremely complex legislation that failed to provide the efficiency required for the criminal justice system to function effectively. The new Bail Act 2013 (NSW), introduced following a comprehensive report by the NSW Law Reform Commission, attempted to provide greater clarity and more consistent application of the law, whilst addressing the increasing rates of remand across NSW. It replaced the extensive list of presumptions for and against bail with an unacceptable risk test.This sentence is the only real bit of explanation that you need. If you got rid of the previous sentences, you could delve into a discussion of Man Monis and how he commit the Lindt Cafe Siege while on bail. Initially the reform was effective, leading to a decrease in remand levels, however, the case of Mohamoud Hawi in 2014, who received bail on murder charges and a series of other controversial cases conveys the influence of the media in instigating immediate reform, often with insufficient consultation. Despite Justice Harrison stating with regard to hawi’s case that the risks “had been mitigated by imposing strict conditions”, immense media pressure form radio shock jocks and tabloid newspapers led to the introduction of ‘show cause’ measures for serious criminal charges. Your analysis needs to include your judgement in relation to the question Despite the changes providing greater protection for society, thy limited the judge’s discretion as well as significantly implicating the ‘presumption of innocence’, a fundamental legal right. The subsequent increase in remand levels conveys that the reform has not been effective in addressing key issues. These amendments indicate the success of law reform within the criminal justice system is dependent on measured considered research and recommendations form relevant legal bodies rather than calls for reform by the media.Again, this linking statement is cluttered with a lot of ideas, though it still fails to answer the question. i.e. These amendments highlight that law reform has a profound impact on the criminal justice system. What you had in the topic sentence was a good thesis

Law reform has also been pivotal within the sentencing process of the criminal justice system. Reforms to this area, as governed by the Crimes (Sentencing and Procedures) Act 1999 (NSW) are highly important as they largely determine how offenders will be treated and reintegrated into society. Principally, for sentences to be just for the victim, offender and society, they must enable judicial discretion to be exercised. The case of R v Loveridge (2013) where Loveridge was imprisoned and charged with manslaughter led to major reform to sentencing. This was driven by media outrage at his original sentence of five years and 2 months. Minimum mandatory sentences for causing death with a single strike were introduced less than 3 months later, also making it mandatory for intoxication to be an aggravating factor. Cite the amendment - the Crimes (Assault and Intoxication) Act. In a law reform question it is CRUCIAL that you actually cite the amendmentThe reform was considered effective as it improves justice for the victim and acts as a general deterrent.Like I said before, you've been asked for how significant of a ROLE law reform plays in the CJS, not how effective it is Despite this, the Law Council was critical of the amendment, stating that mandatory imprisonment will lead to “the individual engaging in more serious criminal acts down the track.” Furthermore, the reforms remove judicial discretion and further impact the rights of the offender, which could result in less responsive and suitable sentencing and punishment from being achieved. Consequently law reform has to an extent been effective within this area of the criminal justice system.Previous feedback relates to here as well

An evaluation of the impact of law reform into the above areas of the criminal justice system conveys that reform is the most effective mechanism in addressing key issues that arise from criminal law. These reforms, whilst failing to provide greater protections for offenders and the accused have responded to society’s calls for harsher legislation, so as to recognise the rights of the victim and the community. In this respect, law reform has successfully reflected society’s changing ethical and moral standards. It must be noted, however, that Law reform is fundamental to the criminal justice system, so that more effective, just outcomes for the victim, offender and society may eventually be realised.

Conclusively, law reform has a highly significant role in the criminal justice system. These amendments attempt to adapt to the dynamic nature of society's ethical standards through changes to legislation pertaining to the rights of suspects. Likewise, the recent bail amendments demonstrate to a large extent, the ramifications that ineffective reforms have on the wider populace. Finally, law reform regarding statutory guidelines is highly significant, as the proposed changes severely restrict judicial discretion. Thus, it is clear that law reform has a significant role in the criminal justice system

First off, a quick foreword that I tend to mark somewhat harsher than that of normal markers. Please don't take anything to heart, I'm a HSC student just like you and could easily have made some errors.

Without any further ado, comments are in red, suggestions are in blue :)

General feedback:
You definitely raise some valid points regarding law reform and how it may affect the community. You've also been able to weave in some additional themes and challenges, which is great. However, there are major issues regarding the fact that you're getting sidetracked in your analysis and judgement. The question is asking for a judgement on the ROLE of law reform, not the EFFECTIVENESS of it. That being said, there have only been TWO instances throughout the entire essay where you explicitly used the word 'role', which means your ability to explicitly answer the question is severely limited.

Another note would be the fact that there is too much fluff. What I mean by fluff is words that make the essay look 'fuller' than it actually is. These fluff statements don't reward you with any extra marks, since the marker isn't getting anything out of them. You tend to have a lot of fluff in your elaboration. By culling these statements, you would then be able to introduce more cases, more media, more legislation etc. to prove your point.

My last point of feedback would be that you are introducing your law reform too late into the paragraph. The question is purely centered around the role of law reform, so the amendment must be cited much, much earlier. In your final paragraph for instance, it was only until halfway through your paragraph that the amendment was referenced

With all of these pointers, I do need to commend you on your strengths. Undeniably, you know your crime content, which will work wonders for you as Crime is such a big topic. Also, you have a fairly strong grasp on legal terminology, and you're able to weave them properly throughout the essay.

Overall, I'd give this essay a 10/15 - you have the 'sound knowledge' to get into that 10-12 range, but unfortunately your judgement was in relation to the EFFECTIVENESS of law reform, not the ROLE of law reform. As well as this, too much fluff in your paragraphs detracted from the amount of evidence and analysis that could be used.


Seriously THANKS SO MUCH rodero!!! I was feeling pretty bad about it, but now I can really see what I have to do. I feel like i write all of that 'fluff' when i'm still trying to work out what to say, but its made it heaps clearer now so THANKYOU!!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: paigek3 on October 05, 2017, 09:28:42 pm
YAY FIRST EVER ESSAY MARKED ON ATAR NOTES!!!!!

I was wondering if anyone could pretty please mark my own essay on the criminal trial process. I hope it sounds alright, I haven't been feeling well lately so study has been a struggle buuuut I finally managed to do this  ;D surprisingly, wording my arguments were more of a challenge than I thought so fingers crossed they came through all right!

Thank you!

EDIT: I am happy to have this marked by anyone, Elyse, Jamon, rodero, anyone :)

Spoiler
Assess the effectiveness of the criminal trial process as a means of achieving justice.

The criminal trial process has been a reasonably effective means of achieving justice through the creation of measures to meet the needs of victims, offenders and society. Justice is enabled when the balance of rights of all parties in the criminal trial process is achieved to the best of the criminal justice system’s ability, particularly through the use of juries, allowing charge negotiation, and ensuring all evidence is received and used impartially and fairly.

The use of a jury system plays a vital role in being a significantly effective source of achieving justice within the criminal trial process. A jury is able to reflect society’s needs in the decisions they make, rather than the criminal trial be solely handled from a judicial point of view. The Jury Act 1912 (NSW) brought the initial use of the jury into the criminal trial process, later amended by the Jury Act 1977 (NSW), which extended definitions and outlined further sections to the Act to ensure the system is not abused. However, prior to the Jury Amendment (Verdicts) Act 2006 NSW, verdicts made by juries had to be unanimous. This law reform was extraordinary in allowing even greater justice to come out of the jury system by preventing cases of a rogue juror purposely dissenting against the rest of the jury for their own personal interest rather than for the greater good of the community. The importance of allowing majority verdicts was seen in the case of the Lin Family Murders, where after four trials as a result of hung juries, Robert Xie was found guilty in early 2017 through a 11-1 majority verdict. This case may not have been able to be closed if the reform did not happen, and thus justice would not have been achieved for the victims, or society. The jury system, and in particular the reforms that have allowed majority verdicts have been undoubtedly effective in achieving justice for all parties within the criminal trial process.

The criminal trial process must also take into account the right of offenders when proceedings take place to ensure justice is achieved for all. Legislation embedded in the Evidence Act 1995 (NSW) has been a reasonably effective means of achieving justice by assuring actions taken are fair for all parties in a criminal trial. Section 138 of the act outlines that evidence must be legally obtained for it to be admissible in court. However, whilst this may create fairness, the outcome may not always be seen as correct by victims or society. This can be seen in the case of R v Atkins, where the evidence on police tapes were “ruled as inadmissible evidence, as police at the time had not informed him he was a suspect,” as stated in an article by the ABC in 2016. As a result of the limited amount evidence given through this and Atkins refusal to give evidence of his own, he was acquitted by the jury of the murder and manslaughter of Matthew Leveson. Near a decade later it was still unclear how Leveson was killed, therefore Atkins was “granted a certificate under section 61 of the Coroner’s Act which allowed him immunity from prosecution,” to lead police to the body of Leveson, where he was found, the article continued to say. Legislation created surrounding the use of evidence within the criminal trial process may cause some proceedings to seem morally wrong to victims and society. However, the protections entrenched in this guarantees the rights of all parties are protected, and thus justice is achieved.

Charge negotiation has been a partially effective measure in achieving justice, particularly for victims, within the criminal trial process. Injustice within cases may arise from a variety of factors including inequality in the level of accreditation and experience within representation due to socio-economic status, or the incorrect dealing with evidence during the criminal investigation process as mentioned, and thus it can result in the untruthful decision eventually being made. Charge negotiation has been created to ensure justice can be achieved more efficiently and effectively during the criminal trial process. According to the New South Wales Law Reform Commission’s report 147, 83% of all criminal matters in the District Court of New South wales are resolved by a guilty plea, and charge negotiation has played a substantial role in generating this statistic. Section 35A of the Crimes (Sentencing Procedure) Amendment Act 2010 (NSW) outlines the procedures of charge negotiation, including the need for the DPP to sign a certificate to say that not only the victim, but also the police officer in charge have seen the agreed statement of facts. This protection ensures that prosecutors are not entering into agreements for their own reputation, and are instead putting achieving justice for the victim as their first priority. Reaching a guilty plea early on in the criminal trial process spares the trauma the victim may have had to go through otherwise, and guarantees that a suitable punishment will be handed down to the offender in accordance with Section 3A of the Crimes (Sentencing Procedure Act). However, charge negotiation may not always have this justly outcome. As a part of the negotiation, the charge is likely to be down graded, meaning the offender may receive a lighter punishment than if the criminal trial process was to take place in its entirety. Judge Berman mentioned in an article by the Daily Telegraph in 2016 that “It is a fundamental part of a proper criminal justice system that offenders are sentenced for what they have actually done and a sentencing judge should never be misled in assessing the criminality of a particular offender’s conduct.” Therefore, whilst charge negotiation has the ability of being an effective means of achieving justice within the criminal trial process, it opportunity for verdicts to end up lighter on offenders than it morally should can cause an injustice for victims.

The role and reform of the jury system, and the purposes of charge negotiation have been effective in achieving justice, however there are chances for fault. Although, their ability to create justice whilst balancing the rights and needs of victims, offenders and society has been significant, and thus the process has been relatively effective in achieving justice.



Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: rodero on October 06, 2017, 03:23:16 pm
If nobody has gotten to you yet, I can mark it sometime tonight
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: paigek3 on October 06, 2017, 04:07:21 pm
Quote from: rodero on October 06, 2017, 03:23:16 pm
If nobody has gotten to you yet, I can mark it sometime tonight

Thank you!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: rodero on October 07, 2017, 08:43:39 am
Quote from: paigek3 on October 05, 2017, 09:28:42 pm
YAY FIRST EVER ESSAY MARKED ON ATAR NOTES!!!!!

I was wondering if anyone could pretty please mark my own essay on the criminal trial process. I hope it sounds alright, I haven't been feeling well lately so study has been a struggle buuuut I finally managed to do this  ;D surprisingly, wording my arguments were more of a challenge than I thought so fingers crossed they came through all right!

Thank you!

EDIT: I am happy to have this marked by anyone, Elyse, Jamon, rodero, anyone :)

Spoiler
Assess the effectiveness of the criminal trial process as a means of achieving justice.

The criminal trial process has been a reasonably effective means of achieving justice through the creation of measures to meet the needs of victims, offenders and society. Justice is enabled when the balance of rights of all parties in the criminal trial process is achieved to the best of the criminal justice system’s ability, particularly through the use of juries, allowing charge negotiation, and ensuring all evidence is received and used impartially and fairly.

The use of a jury system plays a vital role in being a significantly effective source of achieving justice within the criminal trial process. A jury is able to reflect society’s needs in the decisions they make, rather than the criminal trial be solely handled from a judicial point of view. The Jury Act 1912 (NSW) brought the initial use of the jury into the criminal trial process, later amended by the Jury Act 1977 (NSW), which extended definitions and outlined further sections to the Act to ensure the system is not abused. However, prior to the Jury Amendment (Verdicts) Act 2006 NSW, verdicts made by juries had to be unanimous. This law reform was extraordinary in allowing even greater justice to come out of the jury system by preventing cases of a rogue juror purposely dissenting against the rest of the jury for their own personal interest rather than for the greater good of the community. The importance of allowing majority verdicts was seen in the case of the Lin Family Murders, where after four trials as a result of hung juries, Robert Xie was found guilty in early 2017 through a 11-1 majority verdict. This case may not have been able to be closed if the reform did not happen, and thus justice would not have been achieved for the victims, or society. The jury system, and in particular the reforms that have allowed majority verdicts have been undoubtedly effective in achieving justice for all parties within the criminal trial process.

The criminal trial process must also take into account the right of offenders when proceedings take place to ensure justice is achieved for all. Legislation embedded in the Evidence Act 1995 (NSW) has been a reasonably effective means of achieving justice by assuring actions taken are fair for all parties in a criminal trial. Section 138 of the act outlines that evidence must be legally obtained for it to be admissible in court. However, whilst this may create fairness, the outcome may not always be seen as correct by victims or society. This can be seen in the case of R v Atkins, where the evidence on police tapes were “ruled as inadmissible evidence, as police at the time had not informed him he was a suspect,” as stated in an article by the ABC in 2016. As a result of the limited amount evidence given through this and Atkins refusal to give evidence of his own, he was acquitted by the jury of the murder and manslaughter of Matthew Leveson. Near a decade later it was still unclear how Leveson was killed, therefore Atkins was “granted a certificate under section 61 of the Coroner’s Act which allowed him immunity from prosecution,” to lead police to the body of Leveson, where he was found, the article continued to say. Legislation created surrounding the use of evidence within the criminal trial process may cause some proceedings to seem morally wrong to victims and society. However, the protections entrenched in this guarantees the rights of all parties are protected, and thus justice is achieved.

Charge negotiation has been a partially effective measure in achieving justice, particularly for victims, within the criminal trial process. Injustice within cases may arise from a variety of factors including inequality in the level of accreditation and experience within representation due to socio-economic status, or the incorrect dealing with evidence during the criminal investigation process as mentioned, and thus it can result in the untruthful decision eventually being made. Charge negotiation has been created to ensure justice can be achieved more efficiently and effectively during the criminal trial process. According to the New South Wales Law Reform Commission’s report 147, 83% of all criminal matters in the District Court of New South wales are resolved by a guilty plea, and charge negotiation has played a substantial role in generating this statistic. Section 35A of the Crimes (Sentencing Procedure) Amendment Act 2010 (NSW) outlines the procedures of charge negotiation, including the need for the DPP to sign a certificate to say that not only the victim, but also the police officer in charge have seen the agreed statement of facts. This protection ensures that prosecutors are not entering into agreements for their own reputation, and are instead putting achieving justice for the victim as their first priority. Reaching a guilty plea early on in the criminal trial process spares the trauma the victim may have had to go through otherwise, and guarantees that a suitable punishment will be handed down to the offender in accordance with Section 3A of the Crimes (Sentencing Procedure Act). However, charge negotiation may not always have this justly outcome. As a part of the negotiation, the charge is likely to be down graded, meaning the offender may receive a lighter punishment than if the criminal trial process was to take place in its entirety. Judge Berman mentioned in an article by the Daily Telegraph in 2016 that “It is a fundamental part of a proper criminal justice system that offenders are sentenced for what they have actually done and a sentencing judge should never be misled in assessing the criminality of a particular offender’s conduct.” Therefore, whilst charge negotiation has the ability of being an effective means of achieving justice within the criminal trial process, it opportunity for verdicts to end up lighter on offenders than it morally should can cause an injustice for victims.

The role and reform of the jury system, and the purposes of charge negotiation have been effective in achieving justice, however there are chances for fault. Although, their ability to create justice whilst balancing the rights and needs of victims, offenders and society has been significant, and thus the process has been relatively effective in achieving justice.





Sorry for the delay! Had a busy day yesterday :)

Assess the effectiveness of the criminal trial process as a means of achieving justice.

Essay with feedback
Spoiler
The criminal trial process has been a reasonably effective means of achieving justice through the creation of measures to meet the needs of victims, offenders the accused, and society. Great thesis! The only change I'd recommend is that you say 'the accused' instead of offenders. We're currently in the trial process, so they haven't been found guilty yet Justice is enabled when the balance of rights of all parties in the criminal trial process is achieved to the best of the criminal justice system’s ability, particularly through the use of juries, allowing charge negotiation, and ensuring all evidence is received and used impartially and fairly. I understand that you want to keep the intro short to save time, but it would be ideal if you could add a few more sentences here. Reason being is that you need to set up a strong argument from the get-go. You've done a great job with your thesis statement but try to elaborate on it some more. Why has it only been reasonably effective? What's working, and what's not?

The use of a jury system plays a vital role in being a significantly effective source of achieving justice within the criminal trial process.Great!
 Try to keep your other thesis statements like this  A jury is able to reflect society’s needs in the decisions they make, rather than the criminal trial be solely handled from a judicial point of view.Nice! The Jury Act 1912 (NSW) brought the initial use of the jury into the criminal trial process, later amended by the Jury Act 1977 (NSW), which extended definitions and outlined further sections to the Act to ensure the system is not abused.This history of the jury system isn't doing much for you. I mean sure, it counts as legislation so technically it adds to your essay. However, it's fairly weak. Your statement about how the jury system can reflect the values of society, together with the 2006 amendment is enough. However, prior to the Jury Amendment (Verdicts) Act 2006 NSW, verdicts made by juries had to be unanimous.You haven't really told me what the amendment actually did, you only really said what the legislation was like before the amendment The Jury Amendment (Verdicts) Act 2006 NSW allows for a verdict of 10:2 and a 11:1 to satisfy a conviction, rather than the previous unanimous vote.  This law reform was extraordinary in allowing even greater justice to come out of the jury system by preventing cases of a rogue juror purposely dissenting against the rest of the jury for their own personal interest rather than for the greater good of the community.This is a very bold statement - I'd recommend that you have a statistic such as the amount of hung juries prior to the amendment in order to prove this.  The importance of allowing majority verdicts was seen in the case of the Lin Family Murders, where after four trials as a result of hung juries, Robert Xie was found guilty in early 2017 through a 11-1 majority verdict. This case may not have been able to be closed if the reform did not happen, and thus justice would not have been achieved for the victims, or society. Refer to my comment below - was justice actually achieved?The jury system, and in particular the reforms that have allowed majority verdicts have been undoubtedly effective in achieving justice for all parties within the criminal trial process. I think that your overall argument is a bit limiting. First off, I'll say that the jury system isn't all that great, and I'd like to see you discuss that in your essay. The 2006 amendment, while allowing for less hung juries, hampers the rights of the accused as the standard of proof is decreased. Furthermore, the case of R v Xie is considered to be the longest murder trial in NSW history. Think about the emotional trauma that the witnesses had to relive as a result of all the retrials, and the millions of dollars that taxpayers (society) had to fork up. So in actuality, it's fairly inaccurate to classify it as 'highly' effective - I'd rather you say partial, just so that it's in line with the argument you produced in your intro. A bit of nuance shows much more sophistication as well. Another point would be jury misconduct - the issue of juries attempting to find the facts of the case outside of trial. Mainly seen in R v Skaf and R v Karakaya. You could remove some of the history of the Jury Act that you can fit this in

The criminal trial process must also take into account the right of offenders when proceedings take place to ensure justice is achieved for all. Legislation embedded in the Evidence Act 1995 (NSW) has been a reasonably effective means of achieving justice by assuring actions taken are fair for all parties in a criminal trial.I'd prefer if you rejigged the past two sentences a bit. Mainly, move the 'reasonably effective' into your first sentence so that your thesis is actually answering the question Section 138 of the act outlines that evidence must be legally obtained for it to be admissible in court. However, whilst this may create fairness, the outcome may not always be seen as correct by victims or society. This can be seen in the case of R v Atkins, where the evidence on police tapes were “ruled as inadmissible evidence, as police at the time had not informed him he was a suspect,” as stated in an article by the ABC in 2016. As a result of the limited amount evidence given through this and Atkins refusal to give evidence of his own, he was acquitted by the jury of the murder and manslaughter of Matthew Leveson. Near a decade later it was still unclear how Leveson was killed, therefore Atkins was “granted a certificate under section 61 of the Coroner’s Act which allowed him immunity from prosecution,” to lead police to the body of Leveson, where he was found, the article continued to say. This is a hefty description of a single case. Try to be a bit more succinct so that you can relate it to the question much quicker In the case of R v Atkins, highly incriminating police tapes were ruled as inadmissible evidence, thus allowing him to be acquitted of murder. It was only a decade later and through an "immunity from prosecution" (ABC 2016) deal with Atkins that the body could be found and solace delivered to the grieving family members.  Legislation created surrounding the use of evidence within the criminal trial process may cause some proceedings to seem morally wrong to victims and society. However, the protections entrenched in this guarantees the rights of all parties are protected, and thus justice is achieved to a partial extent. just make sure that your linking statement finishes up with your judgement in relation to the question

Charge negotiation has been a partially effective measure in achieving justice, particularly for victims, within the criminal trial process. Injustice within cases may arise from a variety of factors including inequality in the level of accreditation and experience within representation due to socio-economic status, or the incorrect dealing with evidence during the criminal investigation process as mentioned, and thus it can result in the untruthful decision eventually being made. Charge negotiation has been created to ensure justice can be achieved more efficiently and effectively during the criminal trial process.Good According to the New South Wales Law Reform Commission’s report 147, 83% of all criminal matters in the District Court of New South wales are resolved by a guilty plea, and charge negotiation has played a substantial role in generating this statistic. Section 35A of the Crimes (Sentencing Procedure) Amendment Act 2010 (NSW) outlines the procedures of charge negotiation, including the need for the DPP to sign a certificate to say that not only the victim, but also the police officer in charge have seen the agreed statement of facts. This protection ensures that prosecutors are not entering into agreements for their own reputation, and are instead putting achieving justice for the victim as their first priority. This heavy recount doesn't contribute muchReaching a guilty plea early on in the criminal trial process spares the trauma the victim may have had to go through otherwise, and guarantees that a suitable punishment will be handed down to the offender in accordance with Section 3A of the Crimes (Sentencing Procedure Act). However, charge negotiation may not always have this justly outcome. As a part of the negotiation, the charge is likely to be down graded, meaning the offender may receive a lighter punishment than if the criminal trial process was to take place in its entirety. Bring in R v Loveridge -> Murder charge is reduced to manslaughter. Lots of public outcry, particularly from the victim's mother Judge Berman mentioned in an article by the Daily Telegraph in 2016 that “It is a fundamental part of a proper criminal justice system that offenders are sentenced for what they have actually done and a sentencing judge should never be misled in assessing the criminality of a particular offender’s conduct.” Therefore, whilst charge negotiation has the ability of being an effective means of achieving justice within the criminal trial process, it opportunity for verdicts to end up lighter on offenders than it morally should can cause an injustice for victims. Hence, charge negotiation is only partially effective in achieving justice in the criminal trial process

The role and reform of the jury system, and the purposes of charge negotiation have been effective in achieving justice, however there are chances for fault. Although However, their ability to create justice whilst balancing the rights and needs of victims, offenders the accused and society has been significant, and thus the trial process has been relatively effective in achieving justice. Good :) Like the intro though, I'd like to see this extended so that you can really elaborate on everything and drive the argument home

Comments in red, suggestions in blue :)

General feedback:
Overall I'd say that it's a fairly strong essay. Your integration of legislation, cases and media are great and your judgement is clear. At times however, you introduce a point and don't really link it back to how this demonstrates the effectiveness of the measure. Try not to just top and tail your judgement but have it persistent throughout. Also try to work on being a lot more succinct. There are major bits of description here that could easily be cut down. This will help you substantially as it allows for the introduction of extra cases, allowing you to show a bit more nuance in your response. I don't think you've really done much in your second body paragraph. I'd recommend that you take up my suggested wording so that you can fit in an extra case. Either that, or swap 'evidence' out for something that has more to talk about, such as defences

I'd give this essay a 12/15, though it's nearing a 13/15 - solid effort, good job :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: paigek3 on October 07, 2017, 09:15:25 am
Quote from: rodero on October 07, 2017, 08:43:39 am
Sorry for the delay! Had a busy day yesterday :)

Assess the effectiveness of the criminal trial process as a means of achieving justice.

Essay with feedback
Spoiler
The criminal trial process has been a reasonably effective means of achieving justice through the creation of measures to meet the needs of victims, offenders the accused, and society. Great thesis! The only change I'd recommend is that you say 'the accused' instead of offenders. We're currently in the trial process, so they haven't been found guilty yet Justice is enabled when the balance of rights of all parties in the criminal trial process is achieved to the best of the criminal justice system’s ability, particularly through the use of juries, allowing charge negotiation, and ensuring all evidence is received and used impartially and fairly. I understand that you want to keep the intro short to save time, but it would be ideal if you could add a few more sentences here. Reason being is that you need to set up a strong argument from the get-go. You've done a great job with your thesis statement but try to elaborate on it some more. Why has it only been reasonably effective? What's working, and what's not?

The use of a jury system plays a vital role in being a significantly effective source of achieving justice within the criminal trial process.Great!
 Try to keep your other thesis statements like this  A jury is able to reflect society’s needs in the decisions they make, rather than the criminal trial be solely handled from a judicial point of view.Nice! The Jury Act 1912 (NSW) brought the initial use of the jury into the criminal trial process, later amended by the Jury Act 1977 (NSW), which extended definitions and outlined further sections to the Act to ensure the system is not abused.This history of the jury system isn't doing much for you. I mean sure, it counts as legislation so technically it adds to your essay. However, it's fairly weak. Your statement about how the jury system can reflect the values of society, together with the 2006 amendment is enough. However, prior to the Jury Amendment (Verdicts) Act 2006 NSW, verdicts made by juries had to be unanimous.You haven't really told me what the amendment actually did, you only really said what the legislation was like before the amendment The Jury Amendment (Verdicts) Act 2006 NSW allows for a verdict of 10:2 and a 11:1 to satisfy a conviction, rather than the previous unanimous vote.  This law reform was extraordinary in allowing even greater justice to come out of the jury system by preventing cases of a rogue juror purposely dissenting against the rest of the jury for their own personal interest rather than for the greater good of the community.This is a very bold statement - I'd recommend that you have a statistic such as the amount of hung juries prior to the amendment in order to prove this.  The importance of allowing majority verdicts was seen in the case of the Lin Family Murders, where after four trials as a result of hung juries, Robert Xie was found guilty in early 2017 through a 11-1 majority verdict. This case may not have been able to be closed if the reform did not happen, and thus justice would not have been achieved for the victims, or society. Refer to my comment below - was justice actually achieved?The jury system, and in particular the reforms that have allowed majority verdicts have been undoubtedly effective in achieving justice for all parties within the criminal trial process. I think that your overall argument is a bit limiting. First off, I'll say that the jury system isn't all that great, and I'd like to see you discuss that in your essay. The 2006 amendment, while allowing for less hung juries, hampers the rights of the accused as the standard of proof is decreased. Furthermore, the case of R v Xie is considered to be the longest murder trial in NSW history. Think about the emotional trauma that the witnesses had to relive as a result of all the retrials, and the millions of dollars that taxpayers (society) had to fork up. So in actuality, it's fairly inaccurate to classify it as 'highly' effective - I'd rather you say partial, just so that it's in line with the argument you produced in your intro. A bit of nuance shows much more sophistication as well. Another point would be jury misconduct - the issue of juries attempting to find the facts of the case outside of trial. Mainly seen in R v Skaf and R v Karakaya. You could remove some of the history of the Jury Act that you can fit this in

The criminal trial process must also take into account the right of offenders when proceedings take place to ensure justice is achieved for all. Legislation embedded in the Evidence Act 1995 (NSW) has been a reasonably effective means of achieving justice by assuring actions taken are fair for all parties in a criminal trial.I'd prefer if you rejigged the past two sentences a bit. Mainly, move the 'reasonably effective' into your first sentence so that your thesis is actually answering the question Section 138 of the act outlines that evidence must be legally obtained for it to be admissible in court. However, whilst this may create fairness, the outcome may not always be seen as correct by victims or society. This can be seen in the case of R v Atkins, where the evidence on police tapes were “ruled as inadmissible evidence, as police at the time had not informed him he was a suspect,” as stated in an article by the ABC in 2016. As a result of the limited amount evidence given through this and Atkins refusal to give evidence of his own, he was acquitted by the jury of the murder and manslaughter of Matthew Leveson. Near a decade later it was still unclear how Leveson was killed, therefore Atkins was “granted a certificate under section 61 of the Coroner’s Act which allowed him immunity from prosecution,” to lead police to the body of Leveson, where he was found, the article continued to say. This is a hefty description of a single case. Try to be a bit more succinct so that you can relate it to the question much quicker In the case of R v Atkins, highly incriminating police tapes were ruled as inadmissible evidence, thus allowing him to be acquitted of murder. It was only a decade later and through an "immunity from prosecution" (ABC 2016) deal with Atkins that the body could be found and solace delivered to the grieving family members.  Legislation created surrounding the use of evidence within the criminal trial process may cause some proceedings to seem morally wrong to victims and society. However, the protections entrenched in this guarantees the rights of all parties are protected, and thus justice is achieved to a partial extent. just make sure that your linking statement finishes up with your judgement in relation to the question

Charge negotiation has been a partially effective measure in achieving justice, particularly for victims, within the criminal trial process. Injustice within cases may arise from a variety of factors including inequality in the level of accreditation and experience within representation due to socio-economic status, or the incorrect dealing with evidence during the criminal investigation process as mentioned, and thus it can result in the untruthful decision eventually being made. Charge negotiation has been created to ensure justice can be achieved more efficiently and effectively during the criminal trial process.Good According to the New South Wales Law Reform Commission’s report 147, 83% of all criminal matters in the District Court of New South wales are resolved by a guilty plea, and charge negotiation has played a substantial role in generating this statistic. Section 35A of the Crimes (Sentencing Procedure) Amendment Act 2010 (NSW) outlines the procedures of charge negotiation, including the need for the DPP to sign a certificate to say that not only the victim, but also the police officer in charge have seen the agreed statement of facts. This protection ensures that prosecutors are not entering into agreements for their own reputation, and are instead putting achieving justice for the victim as their first priority. This heavy recount doesn't contribute muchReaching a guilty plea early on in the criminal trial process spares the trauma the victim may have had to go through otherwise, and guarantees that a suitable punishment will be handed down to the offender in accordance with Section 3A of the Crimes (Sentencing Procedure Act). However, charge negotiation may not always have this justly outcome. As a part of the negotiation, the charge is likely to be down graded, meaning the offender may receive a lighter punishment than if the criminal trial process was to take place in its entirety. Bring in R v Loveridge -> Murder charge is reduced to manslaughter. Lots of public outcry, particularly from the victim's mother Judge Berman mentioned in an article by the Daily Telegraph in 2016 that “It is a fundamental part of a proper criminal justice system that offenders are sentenced for what they have actually done and a sentencing judge should never be misled in assessing the criminality of a particular offender’s conduct.” Therefore, whilst charge negotiation has the ability of being an effective means of achieving justice within the criminal trial process, it opportunity for verdicts to end up lighter on offenders than it morally should can cause an injustice for victims. Hence, charge negotiation is only partially effective in achieving justice in the criminal trial process

The role and reform of the jury system, and the purposes of charge negotiation have been effective in achieving justice, however there are chances for fault. Although However, their ability to create justice whilst balancing the rights and needs of victims, offenders the accused and society has been significant, and thus the trial process has been relatively effective in achieving justice. Good :) Like the intro though, I'd like to see this extended so that you can really elaborate on everything and drive the argument home

Comments in red, suggestions in blue :)

General feedback:
Overall I'd say that it's a fairly strong essay. Your integration of legislation, cases and media are great and your judgement is clear. At times however, you introduce a point and don't really link it back to how this demonstrates the effectiveness of the measure. Try not to just top and tail your judgement but have it persistent throughout. Also try to work on being a lot more succinct. There are major bits of description here that could easily be cut down. This will help you substantially as it allows for the introduction of extra cases, allowing you to show a bit more nuance in your response. I don't think you've really done much in your second body paragraph. I'd recommend that you take up my suggested wording so that you can fit in an extra case. Either that, or swap 'evidence' out for something that has more to talk about, such as defences

I'd give this essay a 12/15, though it's nearing a 13/15 - solid effort, good job :)

You are an absolute legend! Thank you soooo much for that! I really don’t know why but I found this question one of the hardest I have done in terms of trying to word my judgements and everything else correctly. I guess maybe because it is such a broad question and it isn’t as easy to show how justice has been achieved as say, law reform!

Thanks again your help is appreciated so much, always happy to look over one of your essay if ever need be!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: rodero on October 07, 2017, 10:20:21 am
Happy to help :D
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Korrasami on October 07, 2017, 11:14:54 am
Quote from: rodero on October 05, 2017, 02:03:02 pm
Doesn't look like it ! Feel free to send it through one more time :)

Sent it through!
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: rodero on October 09, 2017, 10:50:35 am

Quote from: Korrasami on October 07, 2017, 11:14:54 am
Sent it through!

Hey :)

Sorry but there might be a bit of a delay in getting the feedback to you! I really need time to buckle down as it's the final week until Paper 1.

Out of curiosity, however, I did have a read through your new essay. Can I just say, it really brings me joy to see people making massive improvements - it's part of why I offer to peer mark in the first place ! Your essay has improved exponentially, and I think you should be proud of it.

I'll get to specific feedback when I can, good luck with the HSC :)
Title: Re: Free Legal Essay Marking!
Post by: Korrasami on October 09, 2017, 04:21:23 pm
Quote from: rodero on October 09, 2017, 10:50:35 am
Hey :)

Sorry but there might be a bit of a delay in getting the feedback to you! I really need time to buckle down as it's the final week until Paper 1.

Out of curiosity, however, I did have a read through your new essay. Can I just say, it really brings me joy to see people making massive improvements - it's part of why I offer to peer mark in the first place ! Your essay has improved exponentially, and I think you should be proud of it.

I'll get to specific feedback when I can, good luck with the HSC :)

Really couldn't have improved my essay without your amazing feedback! Hope you smash the HSC!