Unit 3 Essay Marking - Interpreter of Maladies & Identity/Belonging

[werdna]

Hey everyone, was just about to mark lollymatron's essay in Brenden's thread but it was locked... so I will mark it in here and also welcome other members to post up their Interpreter of Maladies and Identity/Belonging essays on here. I will only mark essays on these two sections. A lot of you will have mid-year practise exams at school for English, so definitely post up an essay or two and I can help you out, as the exams are sometimes used as a guide for ranking/moderation etc.

Get posting!

[werdna]

Lollymatron's essay from the other thread. Note I do mark strictly on criteria so there's going to be a lot of one-worded comments like 'reword' etc... Firstly, great to see an IOM essay here

“In Interpreter of Maladies, Lahiri explores the impact of acceptance and rejection on people. Discuss.”

Within her anthology, Interpreter of Maladies, Lahiri portrays the lives of Indian diasporic people and interwoven cultures Say more than just this. Interpret and broaden your understanding about the topic. Contextualise. Throughout these narratives You must get the text type right - collection of short stories she highlights the importance of social belonging and the implications this has on an individual’s Maybe use some metalanguage and incorporate 'protagonists' in here? livelihood. Communication appears to be Avoid passive voice the key to mutual acceptance, with the ability to traverse social boundaries and cultural barriers allowed through human contact Make yourself clearer here. Conversely, Lahiri conveys how people can experience alienation as a result of social rejection, thus revealing the value of community as a key source of human wellbeing. To conclude your introductions, always have a broad statement starting with 'Thus, Lahiri presents...' or something similar

Acceptance of those around us can result in unexpected connections This reads like a context topic sentence. Mention Lahiri's surname in all topic sentences to avoid this problem. These relationships often circumvent traditional social and cultural boundaries as a common ground of humanity is revealed. This is evident within “ The Third and Final Continent” in which a relationship between the narrator and his landlady develops, in spite of a gulf of culture, language, and generations Sentence structure is weak. Mrs Croft’s abrupt style of speech is characterised by imperative commands “Lock up!”, indicative of her rigid nature and social conservatism Good reference to values. The narrator’s associations with Mrs Croft's own era “ filled with...chaste conversations in parlours” further reflects the disparity between them both You are not explaining in relation to the topic in enough depth.... Yet Comma? Lahiri communicates the inherent value of their unlikely relationship.The simple action of the narrator placing the envelope with the week’s rent Metalanguage for this example? directly into Mrs Croft’s hands is conveyed as a gesture of acceptance; indeed, in contrast to her usually lack of niceties, Mrs Croft’s response suggests a mutual appreciation. “ It was very kind of you”. Here Never start sentences with 'Here' as it makes your structure way too obvious. Lahiri promulgates the genuine relationship established between the narrator and Mrs Croft, professing to the effect of empathy as a means of human connection. Concluding statement should be broad. It should reiterate what your paragraph was discussing. Lack of depth and metalanguage in this paragraph

Furthermore, Lahiri demonstrates the complexities of relationships Say more than just this. Relate back to the topic. Expand. Through the interaction of her characters, she portrays the lasting implications of rejection in our closest ties. This is prominent within “A Temporary Matter” in Shoba’s words, “ I’ve been looking for an apartment and I’ve found one.” Laced within this statement of fact is an underlying rejection, allowing Avoid the ing words Lahiri to unveil the effects of such repudiation. The injury inflicted by such words is evident within the narration, “ It sickened Shukumar, knowing she had [been] preparing for a life without him.” You need to ensure that your quotes are fully embedded everywhere. If you can remove the quotation marks and the essay reads and flows seamlessly, it is properly embedded. Here, you have just tagged it onto the end. Here Use another starter Lahiri magnifies the ability of rejection to destroy relationships and change circumstances irrevocably. Moreover, in “ A Real Durwan”, Hmm I am not keen on your use of 2 stories per paragraph. This sacrifices the level of depth you can go to in discussing the first story. I would strongly recommend making links and comparisons throughout, but not actually spend time analysing the other story. You want to discuss 3 stories in the essay in a lot of depth and comparing slightly to other stories, rather than a brief analysis of 5 stories Boori Ma is characterised as a social outcast, with the description of her “ observ[ing] gestures…in the same way a person tends to watch traffic in a foreign city” clearly highlighting her position as an outsider. As the narrative Short story develops, it is made clear that her position is totally dependent on the support of her community, with the description of Mrs Dalal’s “ [giving] the old women ginger paste…to flavour her stews” evidence of Boori Ma’s reliance on collective kindness for her very survival.   Lahiri communicates the precariousness of such a position, “knowing not to sit on the furniture, she crouched instead” illustrating her subservience in a hierarchical caste based culture Good . Upon the resident’s “ toss[ing] out of Boori Ma , Lahiri communicates her utter destitution as a result, with the final image of her “ [shaking] Avoid over-doing the square brackets the free end of her sari” evoking pathos from the audience Not enough reference or relevance to topic . Thus, the author reveals the impact of social rejection can have on one’s prospects for security and contentment.

Contrastingly, Lahiri’s anthology also embodies a resonating sense of optimism in accepting unfamiliar circumstances. In “Mrs Sen’s”, Eliot embraces a completely foreign world without trepidation, “ He especially enjoyed watching Mrs Sen as she chopped things”. Embed the quote Eliot does not display apprehension before novelty, as Sanjeev does in “ This Blessed House” in encountering  garish Christian iconography. Rather, the exotic image of” a blade that curved like the prow of a viking ship” You have not discussed this example to enough depth. What is the metalanguage relevant to the example, and how does the example illustrate that Mrs Sen is at cultural war with herself? displays a sense of Eliot’s boyish fascination with the unknown. Here Avoid Lahiri establishes an atmosphere of warmth “ the radiators continuously hissed like a pressure cooker”, an indicator of Eliot’s ensconce into a new and welcoming world.  Similarly, in “The Third and Final Continent” Discuss something unique about the structure of the collection. Why is ATM first and Third and Final last? the narrator encounters America with eagerness “ I read every article and advertisement so that I would grow familiar with things”. This Avoid this word leads to his successful integration into American life and culture, “we are now American citizens.” Hence, it seems apparent that those who accept new environments without inhibitions who learn the most from their experiences.

However,  Lahiri suggests that apathetic acceptance of one’s situation can result in unfavourable outcomes. Acquiescing to the desires of another person can degrade one’s personal integrity. This is evident Reword within “ Sexy”, as Miranda’s illicit relationship with Dev is seen as one of subordination. Dev’s demand that Miranda remove her robe because she was “ depriving him of the sight of her long legs” is a clear indicator that the objectification of her body is paramount over any semblance of a mutually respectful relationship. Yet in the narrative description Too many stories discussed yet not enough depth “ she walked across the room to get him a saucer for his cigarette ashes”, Lahiri conveys how Miranda has unwittingly allowed herself to be exploited in a futile relationship. This passive servility is also evident throughout “This Blessed House”, with the final image of Sanjeev holding the statue “ [follow]ing Twinkle", a representation of the nature of their relationship. Here Reword Sanjeev is portrayed as compromised for the sake of his marriage, thus communicating how acceptance of a new social role can result in disempowerment. In this way, the writer Lahiri is able to express Avoid passive. Say expresses how embracing new scenarios is not always beneficial for an individual’s prospects.
 
In the collection “ Interpreter of Maladies” Underline, Lahiri examines both the negative and positive ramifications associated with human relationships.  She suggests that in confronting new situations boldly, individuals have potential for success, while implicitly warning against the dangers of subordination and social rejection. Mention context and values somewhere in this conclusion. Ultimately, Lahiri reveals the enormous implications of one’s interactions with others, and the capability for social influences to completely alter one’s course in life.

Overall a decent essay. You need to work on:
- Quoting technique
- Quality and complexity of ideas
- Writing on less stories, focusing on 1 main story and then making links to others throughout
- Using metalanguage - this is extremely important. Symbols, metaphors, parallels, narration, titles, structure, language features, characterisation etc. are ALL missing. You need to draw upon a wide range of metalanguage examples
- Lack of depth throughout
- Irrelevant parts
- Too short
- Overall structure, do not make it too obvious by saying 'Here...'

Good effort but you will need to refine this essay.

Score - 5/10

[werdna]

^ Just been asked a question via msg. To clarify, 1 main story each body paragraph - not 1 main story for the whole essay

[FlorianK]

whut? 5/10 for lollymatron, let me check :p

“In Interpreter of Maladies, Lahiri explores the impact of acceptance and rejection on people. Discuss.”

Within her anthology, Interpreter of Maladies, underline the title.For IOM htis is particularly important, because in that way you distinguish between the title of the anthology Interpreter of Maladies and the title of the short story "Interpreter of Maladies" Lahiri Name the author by her full name in the introduction and then by her last name in the rest of the essay portrays the lives of Indian diasporic people and interwoven cultures. Too general, you need to adress the topic as well, otherwise an examiner will think you are using exactly the same opening statement for every single essay Throughout these narratives she highlights the importance of social belonging and the implications this has on an individual’s livelihood. Not sure if this really goes well with the topic Communication appears to be the key to mutual acceptance, with the ability to traverse social boundaries and cultural barriers allowed through human contact. This one is more on topic, but try to put a linking word at start of the sentence Conversely, Lahiri conveys how people can experience alienation as a result of social rejection, thus revealing the value of community as a key source of human wellbeing. Try to round off the intro with a thesis statement.

Acceptance of those around us can result in unexpected connections. This one doesn't really works well with your intro, you should be foreshadowing in the intro, mentioning each paragraph with 1 sentence. I also don't think that acceptance of those that are near us would result in unexpected connections, since well it's most likely that you'll have connections to people that are around yourself :/ These relationships often circumvent traditional social and cultural boundaries as a common ground of humanity is revealed. Not sure how this works :/. I mean those around us often have a similar social and cultural background, hence nothing that needs to be circumvented. Though your example in Third and Final is true. In my opinion what you are stating in your Topic Sentences should not only be able to be applied to an IOM story, but also to other real life This is evident within “ The Third and Final Continent” in which a relationship between the narrator and his landlady develops, in spite of a gulf of culture, language, and generations. Mrs Croft’s abrupt style of speech is characterised by imperative commands “Lock up!”, indicative of her rigid nature and social conservatism. Nice to see discussion of language used The narrator’s associations with Mrs Croft's own era “ filled with...chaste conversations in parlours” further reflects the disparity between them both. Yet Lahiri communicates the inherent value of their unlikely relationship. The simple action of the narrator placing the envelope with the week’s rent directly into Mrs Croft’s hands is conveyed as a gesture of acceptance; indeed, in contrast to her usually lack of niceties doesn't nicety means like acuteness, kind of? , Mrs Croft’s response suggests a mutual appreciation. “ It was very kind of you”. weave the quotes into your sentences and don't just write them down by themselves. You could write something such as : "indeed, in contrast to her prevailing lack of amiability, she insisted on telling him that "it was very kind of" him, which suggests a mutual appreciation. Here Lahiri promulgates the genuine relationship established between the narrator and Mrs Croft, professing to the effect of empathy as a means of human connection. Is this supposed to be the link sentence? Also, I read the word "promulgate" in so many essays recently and I still don't really like it :/, I would say that a word such as 'depict', 'describe' or 'illustrate' would work better here. --> http://www.thefreedictionary.com/promulgate Otherwise an alright BP, but there is quite a bit of room to improve.

Furthermore, Lahiri demonstrates the complexities of relationships. Too superficial, relate to the topic. Through the interaction of her characters, she portrays the lasting implications of rejection in our closest ties. This is prominent within “A Temporary Matter” in Shoba’s words, “ I’ve been looking for an apartment and I’ve found one.” Laced within this statement of fact is an underlying rejection, allowing Lahiri to unveil the effects of such repudiation. The injury inflicted by such words is evident within the narration, “ It sickened Shukumar, knowing she had [been] preparing for a life without him.” Here Lahiri magnifies the ability of rejection to destroy relationships and change circumstances irrevocably. Moreover, in “ A Real Durwan”, Boori Ma is characterised as a social outcast, with the description of her “ observ[ing] gestures…in the same way a person tends to watch traffic in a foreign city” clearly highlighting her position as an outsider. As the narrative develops, it is made clear that her position is totally dependent on the support of her community, with the description of Mrs Dalal’s “ [giving] the old women ginger paste…to flavour her stews” evidence of Boori Ma’s reliance on collective kindness for her very survival.   Lahiri communicates the precariousness of such a position, “knowing not to sit on the furniture, she crouched instead” illustrating her subservience in a hierarchical caste based culture. Upon the resident’s “ toss[ing] out of Boori Ma , Lahiri communicates her utter destitution as a result, with the final image of her “ [shaking] the free end of her sari” evoking pathos from the audience. Thus, the author reveals the impact of social rejection can have on one’s prospects for security and contentment.
1 story per paragraph please. This is just really crammed and without of depth. You can't really show in depth knowledge of the anthology when you are having like 1 sentence per story. So just write about 3 stories in total, but then in depth.
I wrote one of my IOM essays in the crammed stlye, was the worst one I wrote.

Contrastingly, Lahiri’s anthology also embodies a resonating sense of optimism in accepting unfamiliar circumstances. In “Mrs Sen’s”, Eliot embraces a completely foreign world without trepidation, “ He especially enjoyed watching Mrs Sen as she chopped things”. Again really embedd the quotes and don't just state them. Eliot does not display apprehension before novelty What does this supposed to mean?, as Sanjeev does in “ This Blessed House” in encountering  garish Christian iconography. Rather, the exotic image of” a blade that curved like the prow of a viking ship” displays a sense of Eliot’s boyish fascination with the unknown. There is so much more to this metaphor. When you are able to include this metaphor into a BP you are actually lucky, because there is so much you can say, not only about Eliot, but abour Mrs. Sen sailing to distant seas. Here don't use 'here' Lahiri establishes an atmosphere of warmth “ the radiators continuously hissed like a pressure cooker”, an indicator of Eliot’s ensconce into a new and welcoming world.  Similarly, in “The Third and Final Continent” the narrator encounters America with eagerness “ I read every article and advertisement so that I would grow familiar with things”. This leads to his successful integration into American life and culture, “we are now American citizens.” Hence, it seems apparent that those who accept new environments without inhibitions who learn the most from their experiences.
As before use only 1 story.

However,  Lahiri suggests that apathetic acceptance of one’s situation can result in unfavourable outcomes. Acquiescing to the desires of another person can degrade one’s personal integrity. This is evident within “ Sexy”, as Miranda’s illicit relationship with Dev is seen as one of subordination. Dev’s demand that Miranda remove her robe because she was “ depriving him of the sight of her long legs” is a clear indicator that the objectification of her body is paramount over any semblance of a mutually respectful relationship. Yet in the narrative description “ she walked across the room to get him a saucer for his cigarette ashes”, Lahiri conveys how Miranda has unwittingly allowed herself to be exploited in a futile relationship. When you are discussing Sexy, I would say you should always try to include the phrase by the little kid, whose name I forgot saying that sexy means loving somebody you don't know, or something like that This passive servility is also evident throughout “This Blessed House”, with the final image of Sanjeev holding the statue “ [follow]ing Twinkle", a representation of the nature of their relationship. Here Sanjeev is portrayed as compromised for the sake of his marriage, thus communicating how acceptance of a new social role can result in disempowerment. I interpreted this rather as a form of an acceptance in the sense of a compromise rather than disempowerment. In this way, the writer is able to express how embracing new scenarios is not always beneficial for an individual’s prospects.

In the collection “ Interpreter of Maladies”, Lahiri examines both the negative and positive ramifications associated with human relationships.  She suggests that in confronting new situations boldly, individuals have potential for success, while implicitly warning against the dangers of subordination and social rejection. Ultimately, Lahiri reveals the enormous implications of one’s interactions with others, and the capability for social influences to completely alter one’s course in life.

Knowledge of the ideas, characters and themes constructed and presented in the text. Discussion and some analysis of the structures, features and conventions used by the author to construct meaning. Some identification of the ways in which social, historical and/or cultural values are embodied in the text. Construction of a general interpretation and some identification of ways in which the text is open to different interpretations by different readers. Suitable use of textual evidence and appropriate use of some relevant metalanguage to support analysis. Generally expressive, fluent and coherent writing.

I would give it a 6. You definetly need to work on your overall structure. Your essay is also quite short and divided into 4 BPs, which forces the essay to be quite superficial. Each BP should be 200-250 word imo. Also you need to discuss all the symbols and parallels in the book. It is filled up with these more than any other book, in particular in A Temporary Matter. Use werdna's notes for those if you're having a hard time with them --> http://www.atarnotes.com/?p=notes&a=feedback&id=800.
For your language, try to be a bit simpler and put the focus on quality ideas first. When you get the essay back rewrite it so that the language is top tier as well.
For this essay, try to write a new one about the same topic, but including werdna's and my tips.