Modern HIST - Soviet Union

[Nomsie]

Would really appreciate any feedback on this Modern essay

[Justin_L]

Had a quick read, here's are some of the main points that jumped out at me:

Intro
- Would recommend condensing your thesis
- Your introduction in general should be a lot more concise, there shouldn't be quotes or significant detail yet. Much of the content here could be moved into the body paragraphs

Body
- There's a fair bit of context/narrative which could be converted into detail to strength your argument and make your essay less fluffy
- This essay could benefit from some more historical nuance (eg. noting that much documentation about production outputs during the 5 year plans were faked)
- Needs more specificity in a lot of places (eg. instead of "new dams and hydro-electric plants", mention specific projects like the white sea canal)
- Don't use historians quotes as a crutch, you need to develop their ideas and expand on them. You can use them as support such as with statistics, but it's generally better to use primary sources and develop your own ideas in your essay
- Your topic sentences need to link more clearly to your thesis, and your introduction should outline the structure of your body paragraphs (see above)

Other
- Might be good to review referencing, not sure what format you're using but currently there doesn't seem to be a consistent system of quote attribution and sources for detail
- Just overall, your essay seems unnecessarily fluffy and I think it could be cut down a lot. The underlying points are good though

This was quite a long essay so this nowhere near covers everything, but hopefully this is helpful as a general overview. Feel free to ask if you have any specific questions about your essay or this feedback!