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April 24, 2021, 02:22:53 am

Author Topic: English Extension 1 Essay Marking  (Read 30548 times)

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elysepopplewell

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Re: English Extension 1 Essay Marking
« Reply #30 on: July 25, 2016, 07:16:22 pm »
Oh no, hope she gets better soon :( And yes, any fresh set of eyes on a creative would be great!

Hi! I'm so sorry I couldn't help out over the weekend :(
If you do want some more feedback on this, just say the word and I can take a look! I'd do it automatically now, but I don't want to bombard you if you'd like to repost after trials or something like that. But, if you'd like some feedback, drop by and let me know :)
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Lauradf36

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Re: English Extension 1 Essay Marking
« Reply #31 on: July 26, 2016, 03:27:57 pm »
Hi! I'm so sorry I couldn't help out over the weekend :(
If you do want some more feedback on this, just say the word and I can take a look! I'd do it automatically now, but I don't want to bombard you if you'd like to repost after trials or something like that. But, if you'd like some feedback, drop by and let me know :)

That's fine! If you want to take a look now it'd be great to have any feedback, with trials in a few weeks. I hope you are feeling better now!  :)
ATAR: 98.85

English Adv: 94
English Ext: 47/50
Ancient history: 94
Legal studies: 94
Music I: 93
Religion II: 95

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Extension 1 Essay Marking
« Reply #32 on: July 27, 2016, 12:39:03 am »
Attention! The essay marking requirements have been updated, in effect for every essay posted below this mark  ;D The post exchange rate has now been increased to 15, that is, every piece of feedback is now worth 15 posts. 3 essays marked needs 45 ATAR Notes posts, 10 essays needs 150 posts, etc etc. The full essay rules are available at this link! Thanks everyone!  ;D

Lauradf36

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Re: English Extension 1 Essay Marking
« Reply #33 on: August 02, 2016, 10:03:15 pm »
Hey, when you have time, could you have a brief look at this practise essay for extension 1? I typed it under timed conditions so it's not very refined, but I'd appreciate thoughts/feelings anyway! It's from Elective 2 - Romanticism. And I hope the rest explains itself :)

Q. The art of words and images has the power to evoke questioning and resistance.

Evaluate this statement with reference to TWO prescribed texts and at least TWO texts of your own choosing.

The Romantic era was a movement between 1770 and 1850 concerned with radically redefining the nature and condition of humanity through social, political, and intellectual change. During this period, society rebelled against the oppression of dictators, the Neoclassic dictation of knowledge through rationality and the classics, and the division of society in a hierarchy of power. However, the ruthless violence and bloodshed during the Reign of Terror caused individuals to challenge this ideal. Texts of the Romantic era thus reveal how the art of words and images have the power to evoke questioning about the nature and condition of humanity. This can be explored through the use of essay, novel, and pictorial formats to question dictated education and innate morality, and express resistance to the oppression of authority and class boundaries. The texts Vindication of the Rights of Woman by Mary Wollstonecraft, Frankenstein by Mary Shelley, The Man of Feeling by Henry Mackenzie, and The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters by Goya are used to demonstrate these ideas. Overall, the form of the texts allow both the composer and the audience to profoundly consider their individual experiences of humanity and its restriction by society.

The art of words and images used in Romantic texts firstly evokes a radical questioning of dictated standards of education and knowledge. Wollstonecraft’s Vindication of the Rights of Woman was written during the late 1700s, during a period when females where in a legal position of couverture, and had few rights and little independence within a patriarchal society. The composer uses an essay format to express a revolutionary view of the role of education in transforming these dictated intellectual standards for women. The author questions “the more specious slavery which chains the very soul of the woman, keeping her forever under the bondage of ignorance.” (p179). These symbols of “slavery” and “chains” correspond with the abolition movement to represent the educational restraints coercing females into “ignorance”. This negative representation of the ignorance imposed on females displays a clear challenging of earlier revolutionaries such as Rousseau, who held that females “ought to study the mind of men”. Moved by the rebellious atmosphere of the French Revolution, Wollstonecraft was thus convicted of the need to emancipate females through education. She contrastingly asserted that “some degree of liberty of mind is necessary even to form the person” (p97). This represents a clear desire for intellectual freedom rather than dictated knowledge of the Neoclassic era.
These ideas are supported by Mackenzie’s sentimental Scottish novel, The Man of Feeling. The text follows protagonist Harley as he mourns over the corruption of his world by urbanisation and aristocracy. Mackenzie challenges a restrictive education, stating that “the young gentleman was suffered to be his own master in the subsequent branches of literature” (p25). Similar to Wollstonecraft, this demonstrates the significance of individual freedom for the pursuit of knowledge. Harley also encounters a misanthrope who criticises the mode of education of the day, which he believes does not fulfil the individual’s unique needs. He emotively berates how “the education of your youth is every way preposterous; you waste at school years in improving talents, without having ever spent an hour in discovering them” (p73). The author hence elevates the development of knowledge through experience by questioning the dictated ideas of Neoclassic society. Mackenzie also uses ideas of gender similar to Wollstonecraft, complaining that “Nor are your females trained to any more useful purpose: they are taught…that a young woman is a creature to be married” (p31). This essay style form allows Mackenzie to integrate sentiment and sensibility with ideas of social and political reform in the gender oriented education. This displays a revolutionary questioning of regimented knowledge in early Romantic society.

The art of language employed in these texts also conveys questioning about human morality, and its innate disposition for benevolence or evil. The traditional Romantic view celebrated the human potential for revolutionary social and political change, and upheld the value of life and oneness. However, Shelley’s later Romantic text Frankenstein uses language to challenge this idealistic perception and portray the dangers of giving excessive freedoms to humanity. This is manifest in the creature, who initially connects with humble lower classes as trait of kindness moved me sensibly”, and consequently “brought home firing sufficient for the consumption of several days” (p114). Shelley makes classical allusions to Prometheus, who demonstrated benevolence by attempting to put the power of life in the hands of humans. Nonetheless, the creature soon encounters the impact of such power, stating that “For a long time I could not conceive how one man could go forth to murder his fellow, or even why there are laws and governments, but when I heard details of vice and bloodshed… I turned away with disgust & loathing” (p122). Shelley employs emotive language to portray the creature’s horror at the reality of the innately evil humanity he perceives. The creature thus epitomises later conservative questioning about the human condition following the devastation of the Terror.
The art of images employed through The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters by Francis Goya also demonstrates a challenge to revolutionary optimism by displaying the innate evil that emerges when reason and rationality are abandoned. The artwork depicts owls, bats, and other animals of the night appearing from the artist’s mind as they allow imagination and the faculties of the mind to be explored without restriction. Robert Hughes corroborates this by stating the characters are ‘creatures of night, and thus of ignorance-and possibly of bloodsucking evil as well, in their association with the devil’. The artwork hence represents the inherent evil of the human mind that Shelley depicted when untamed by societal restrictions. Goya also uses artistic techniques to question the celebration of the inherent human spirit. The chiascorou utilised emphasises the difference in light and shade, and thus exemplifies the darkness of human morality. The scaling employed also depicts the animals appearing from the human world and coming toward the natural world. This further examines the morality of humanity, suggesting that a desire for unity with nature is misused by individually driven desires. Overall, this powerfully questions the Romantic ideal of the potential for humanity, and instead displays ideas of inner darkness manifest in the Terror.

Texts of the Romantic era also employ the art of words and images to convey a resistance to authorities. Whilst Neoclassicism highly valued the monarchy, the corruption of French dictator Louis XIV and societal institutions instigated widespread rebellion against it. In Vindication, Wollstonecraft claimed this “convenient handle for despotism” (p182) had forced a universal depravity over original benevolence, and that transformative moral change was required in response. Her conviction was influenced by mentoring philosopher Dr Price, who declared that “the world is in darkness” (Discourse, 1789). Wollstonecraft particularly deplores the morality of females under this authority by using an essay format. She alleges they were “Confined then in cages like the feathered race” and thus had “nothing to do but plume themselves” (p72). This animalistic metaphor suggests that women were coerced by society to form a vapid materialism removed from their basest humanity. Hence, Wollstonecraft announces, “It is time to effect a revolution in female manners… time to separate unchangeable morals from local manners.” (p60) The repetition of “time” creates an urgency in this charge, emotively rallying readers to resist the corrupt teachings of authority and develop unprecedented new values.
The images employed in Goya’s The Sleep of Reason also evoke ideas of this resistance to authority and power. Similar to Wollstonecraft’s context, the revolutionary artwork was created during a time of dictatorship in Spanish society, when the Spanish Inquisition controlled religion under the Spanish monarchy. This is demonstrated by the position of the artist’s body, which is slumped and hides the individual’s face. Goya hence suggests the removal of personal autonomy due to the dictation of the authorities. He then indicates that this overt authority has a detrimental impact on human and natural worlds. The symbolism of outstretched wings on animals associated with evil reveals his perception that those in power misuse this for corrupt ends, and even impinge on the sacredness of nature that was upheld in Romantic thought. Vector lines also draw attention to the defeated position of the artist, revealing the detrimental impact of such heteronomy on the individual human spirit. This ridicules the crippling deficiencies of Spanish aristocracy as the artist perceived, like Wollstonecraft. The emotive response evoked by such monsters and the darkness enveloping them, hence encourages individuals to resist this loss of freedom caused by corrupt authorities.

Finally, the texts of the era employed words and pictures to evoke resistance against regimented class boundaries. The Romantics valued the oneness of human life and unity of human experience, thus the division of society into classes was perceived negatively in Shelley’s Frankenstein. The creature emotively considers, “I heard of the division of property, of immense wealth and squalid poverty… was I, then, a monster, a blot upon the earth…whom all men disowned?” (p123) This clear antagonism of humanity and its “divisions” reveals a desire for unity rather than unjust class systems. The creature further recognises the detriment of these divisions on personal identity by applying them to his own status. He emotively describes himself as “a blot upon the earth” within this system to portray his disillusionment with the structures. Conversely, the creature esteems the societal oneness created by the undivided family he encounters. He praises them that, “Here there is less distinction in the classes of its inhabitants; and the lower orders, being neither so poor nor so despised, their manners are more refined and more moral.” (p66) Shelley again employs emotive language to resist the injustice and poverty created by class compared to the intellectual progress allowed by unity.
The Man of Feeling additionally communicates the spurious impact of the hierarchy by demonstrating the collective destitution of its lowest members. Sentimental texts often focused on weaker members of society, such as orphans and condemned criminals, and allowed readers to identify and sympathise with them. Mackenzie thus emotively describes how “so many pensioners [were] allowed to take the bread out of the mouth of the poor” (p51). This metaphorically illustrates the inequities created by class structures that Shelley perceived, with higher classes imposing poverty rather than societal oneness on those below them. As the Man of Feeling, Harley thus “stood fixed in astonishment and pity!… he burst into tears, and left them.” (p27) The author uses imagery to evoke empathy in the reader and a desire to resist these class restrictions. The protagonist then blames this on the divisions created by excessive wealth and power, just as Shelley had communicated. He laments that “[the world] bring to an undistinguished scale the means of the one, as connected with power, wealth, or grandeur, and of the other with their contraries.” (p22) The art of an essay style is able to implement ideas of social reform with Harley’s sentimentalism, thus conveying the detrimental impact of class and wealth on a society desperately needing unity.

In conclusion, it is evident that texts of the Romantic era thus reveal how the art of words and images have the power to evoke questioning about the nature and condition of humanity. This can be explored through the use of essay, novel, and pictorial formats to question dictated education and innate morality, and express resistance to the oppression of authority and class boundaries. The texts Vindication of the Rights of Woman by Mary Wollstonecraft, Frankenstein by Mary Shelley, The Man of Feeling by Henry Mackenzie, and The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters by Goya are used to demonstrate these ideas. Overall, the form of the texts allow both the composer and the audience to profoundly consider their individual experiences of humanity and its restriction by society. Ultimately, the words and pictures employed reveal that Romantic questioning and resistance was imperative to achieving the full recognition of the rights and justice of humanity in a corrupted society.
ATAR: 98.85

English Adv: 94
English Ext: 47/50
Ancient history: 94
Legal studies: 94
Music I: 93
Religion II: 95

elysepopplewell

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Re: English Extension 1 Essay Marking
« Reply #34 on: August 03, 2016, 11:46:55 am »
Hey, when you have time, could you have a brief look at this practise essay for extension 1? I typed it under timed conditions so it's not very refined, but I'd appreciate thoughts/feelings anyway! It's from Elective 2 - Romanticism. And I hope the rest explains itself :)

Q. The art of words and images has the power to evoke questioning and resistance.


Hello! I'll jump to this now :)

In the spoiler is your essay, with my own comments throughout. But I tend to stop writing comments towards the end if there is a recurring suggestion, in which case I'll write it below the spoiler :)

Spoiler
Q. The art of words and images has the power to evoke questioning and resistance.

Evaluate this statement with reference to TWO prescribed texts and at least TWO texts of your own choosing.

The Romantic era was a movement between 1770 and 1850 concerned with radically redefining the nature and condition of humanity through social, political, and intellectual change. During this period, society rebelled against the oppression of dictators, the Neoclassic dictation of knowledge through rationality and the classics, and the division of society in a hierarchy of power. However, the ruthless violence and bloodshed during the Reign of Terror caused individuals to challenge this ideal. Texts of the Romantic era thus reveal how the art of words and images have the power to evoke questioning about the nature and condition of humanity I like how you've changed the human condition, to the condition of humanity. Something fresh!. This can be explored through the use of essay, novel, and pictorial formats to question dictated education and innate morality, and express resistance to the oppression of authority and class boundaries. The texts Vindication of the Rights of Woman by Mary Wollstonecraft, Frankenstein by Mary Shelley, The Man of Feeling by Henry Mackenzie, and The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters by Goya are used to demonstrate these ideas. Overall, the form of the texts allow both the composer and the audience to profoundly consider their individual experiences of humanity and its restriction by society. I tend to think that extension introductions are stronger when all four texts aren't in the one sentence. I chose to group mine into pairs, and then paired it with the argument that I would use. So, I did after the bomb, not romanticism, but I'd say something like: "Text A and Text B are both a response to the existential way of thinking, as is observed through the manipulation of art in their cinematic form." And then Text C and D would be introduced and grouped, potentially focusing more on the 'words' part of the question, or whatever suited. I think your introduction is hard to flaw because you've fleshed out what romanticism is, the purpose of the composers, you've introduced the texts, and related to the audience. This is just a small suggestion that might give some more unique direction to your essay, because your marker knows exactly what ideas you want to flesh out with each text.

The art of words and images used in Romantic texts firstly evokes a radical questioning of dictated standards of education and knowledge. Wollstonecraft’s Vindication of the Rights of Woman was written during the late 1700s, during a period when females where were in a legal position of couverture, and had few rights and little independence within a patriarchal society. The composer uses an essay format to express a revolutionary view of the role of education in transforming these dictated intellectual standards for women. The author questions “the more specious slavery which chains the very soul of the woman, keeping her forever under the bondage of ignorance.” (p179). These symbols of “slavery” and “chains” correspond with the abolition movement to represent the educational restraints coercing females into “ignorance”. This negative representation of the ignorance imposed on females displays a clear challenging of earlier revolutionaries such as Rousseau, who held that females “ought to study the mind of men”. Solid sentence!! Moved by the rebellious atmosphere of the French Revolution, Wollstonecraft was thus convicted of the need to emancipate females through education. She contrastingly asserted that “some degree of liberty of mind is necessary even to form the person” (p97). This represents a clear desire for intellectual freedom rather than dictated knowledge of the Neoclassic era.
These ideas are supported by Mackenzie’s sentimental Scottish novel, The Man of Feeling. The text follows protagonist Harley as he mourns over the corruption of his world by urbanisation and aristocracy. Mackenzie challenges a restrictive education, stating that “the young gentleman was suffered to be his own master in the subsequent branches of literature” (p25). Similar to Wollstonecraft, this demonstrates the significance of individual freedom for the pursuit of knowledge. Harley also encounters a misanthrope who criticises the mode of education of the day, which he believes does not fulfil the individual’s unique needs. He emotively berates how “the education of your youth is every way preposterous; you waste at school years in improving talents, without having ever spent an hour in discovering them” (p73). The author hence elevates the development of knowledge through experience by questioning the dictated ideas of Neoclassic society. Mackenzie also uses ideas of gender similar to Wollstonecraft, complaining that “Nor are your females trained to any more useful purpose: they are taught…that a young woman is a creature to be married” (p31). This essay style form allows Mackenzie to integrate sentiment and sensibility with ideas of social and political reform in the gender oriented education. This displays a revolutionary questioning of regimented knowledge in early Romantic society. I can't believe you wrote this in exam conditions! It is so well structured. However, it is worth noting that you used the word "art" once in the body paragraphs so far. Also, "words" once. I think we need to increase the usage of the key words of the question. You have great analysis, we just need to pair it with a completely confident attack on the question in order to enhance the overall integrity!

The art of language employed in these texts also conveys questioning about human morality, and its innate disposition for benevolence or evil. The traditional Romantic view celebrated the human potential for revolutionary social and political change, and upheld the value of life and oneness. However, Shelley’s later Romantic text Frankenstein uses language to challenge this idealistic perception and portray the dangers of giving excessive freedoms to humanity. This is manifest in the creature, who initially connects with humble lower classes as trait of kindness moved me sensibly”, and consequently “brought home firing sufficient for the consumption of several days” (p114). Shelley makes classical allusions to Prometheus, who demonstrated benevolence by attempting to put the power of life in the hands of humans. Nonetheless, the creature soon encounters the impact of such power, stating that “For a long time I could not conceive how one man could go forth to murder his fellow, or even why there are laws and governments, but when I heard details of vice and bloodshed… I turned away with disgust & loathing” (p122). Shelley employs emotive language to portray the creature’s horror at the reality of the innately evil humanity he perceives. The creature thus epitomises later conservative questioning about the human condition following the devastation of the Terror. I just want to see a tiny bit more about the idea of morality or evil in this last bit to tie the paragraph off. When you mentioned it in your topic sentence, my eyes were peeled to hear more about it. And you definitely don't ignore it, but a really explicit tie at the end might just round it off perfectly.
The art of images employed through The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters by Francis Goya also demonstrates a challenge to revolutionary optimism by displaying the innate evil that emerges when reason and rationality are abandoned. The artwork depicts owls, bats, and other animals of the night appearing from the artist’s mind as they allow imagination and the faculties of the mind to be explored without restriction. Robert Hughes corroborates this by stating the characters are ‘creatures of night, and thus of ignorance-and possibly of bloodsucking evil as well, in their association with the devil’. This is some awesome analysis that links directly with the question - so good!The artwork hence represents the inherent evil of the human mind that Shelley depicted when untamed by societal restrictions. Goya also uses artistic techniques to question the celebration of the inherent human spirit. The chiascorou utilised emphasises the difference in light and shade, and thus exemplifies the darkness of human morality. The scaling employed also depicts the animals appearing from the human world and coming toward the natural world. This further examines the morality of humanity, suggesting that a desire for unity with nature is misused by individually driven desires. Overall, this powerfully questions the Romantic ideal of the potential for humanity, and instead displays ideas of inner darkness manifest in the Terror. So far, this paragraph is the most impressive in terms of your response to the question, being intertwined with your analysis. This is wonderful!

Texts of the Romantic era also employ the art of words and images to convey a resistance to authorities. Whilst Neoclassicism highly valued the monarchy, the corruption of French dictator Louis XIV and societal institutions instigated widespread rebellion against it. In Vindication, Wollstonecraft claimed this “convenient handle for despotism” (p182) had forced a universal depravity over original benevolence, and that transformative moral change was required in response. Her conviction was influenced by mentoring philosopher Dr Price, who declared that “the world is in darkness” (Discourse, 1789). Wollstonecraft particularly deplores the morality of females under this authority by using an essay format. She alleges they were “Confined then in cages like the feathered race” and thus had “nothing to do but plume themselves” (p72). This animalistic metaphor suggests that women were coerced by society to form a vapid materialism removed from their basest humanity. Hence, Wollstonecraft announces, “It is time to effect a revolution in female manners… time to separate unchangeable morals from local manners.” (p60) The repetition of “time” creates an urgency in this charge, emotively rallying readers to resist the corrupt teachings of authority and develop unprecedented new values.
The images employed in Goya’s The Sleep of Reason also evoke ideas of this resistance to authority and power. Similar to Wollstonecraft’s context, the revolutionary artwork was created during a time of dictatorship in Spanish society, when the Spanish Inquisition controlled religion under the Spanish monarchy. This is demonstrated by the position of the artist’s body, which is slumped and hides the individual’s face. Goya hence suggests the removal of personal autonomy due to the dictation of the authorities. He then indicates that this overt authority has a detrimental impact on human and natural worlds. The symbolism of outstretched wings on animals associated with evil reveals his perception that those in power misuse this for corrupt ends, and even impinge on the sacredness of nature that was upheld in Romantic thought. Vector lines also draw attention to the defeated position of the artist, revealing the detrimental impact of such heteronomy on the individual human spirit. This ridicules the crippling deficiencies of Spanish aristocracy as the artist perceived, like Wollstonecraft. Great link! The emotive response evoked by such monsters and the darkness enveloping them, hence encourages individuals to resist this loss of freedom caused by corrupt authorities.

Finally, the texts of the era employed words and pictures to evoke resistance against regimented class boundaries. The Romantics valued the oneness of human life and unity of human experience, thus the division of society into classes was perceived negatively in Shelley’s Frankenstein. The creature emotively considers, “I heard of the division of property, of immense wealth and squalid poverty… was I, then, a monster, a blot upon the earth…whom all men disowned?” (p123) This clear antagonism of humanity and its “divisions” reveals a desire for unity rather than unjust class systems. The creature further recognises the detriment of these divisions on personal identity by applying them to his own status. He emotively describes himself as “a blot upon the earth” within this system to portray his disillusionment with the structures. Conversely, the creature esteems the societal oneness created by the undivided family he encounters. He praises them that, “Here there is less distinction in the classes of its inhabitants; and the lower orders, being neither so poor nor so despised, their manners are more refined and more moral.” (p66) Shelley again employs emotive language to resist the injustice and poverty created by class compared to the intellectual progress allowed by unity.
The Man of Feeling additionally communicates the spurious impact of the hierarchy by demonstrating the collective destitution of its lowest members. Sentimental texts often focused on weaker members of society, such as orphans and condemned criminals, and allowed readers to identify and sympathise with them. Mackenzie thus emotively describes how “so many pensioners [were] allowed to take the bread out of the mouth of the poor” (p51). This metaphorically illustrates the inequities created by class structures that Shelley perceived, with higher classes imposing poverty rather than societal oneness on those below them. As the Man of Feeling, Harley thus “stood fixed in astonishment and pity!… he burst into tears, and left them.” (p27) The author uses imagery to evoke empathy in the reader and a desire to resist these class restrictions. The protagonist then blames this on the divisions created by excessive wealth and power, just as Shelley had communicated. He laments that “[the world] bring to an undistinguished scale the means of the one, as connected with power, wealth, or grandeur, and of the other with their contraries.” (p22) The art of an essay style is able to implement ideas of social reform with Harley’s sentimentalism, thus conveying the detrimental impact of class and wealth on a society desperately needing unity.

In conclusion, "In conclusion" is a bit of a cheat way to start a conclusion. Your essay is so strong throughout, you don't want to let it down with a less than perfect conclusion introduction.  You could just start the conclusion with "it is evident that..."it is evident that texts of the Romantic era thus reveal how the art of words and images have the power to evoke questioning about the nature and condition of humanity. This can be explored through the use of essay, novel, and pictorial formats to question dictated education and innate morality, and express resistance to the oppression of authority and class boundaries. The texts Vindication of the Rights of Woman by Mary Wollstonecraft, Frankenstein by Mary Shelley, The Man of Feeling by Henry Mackenzie, and The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters by Goya are used to demonstrate these ideas. Overall, the form of the texts allow both the composer and the audience to profoundly consider their individual experiences of humanity and its restriction by society. Ultimately, the words and pictures employed reveal that Romantic questioning and resistance was imperative to achieving the full recognition of the rights and justice of humanity in a corrupted society.

Your conclusion is awesome! Although, my same suggestion stands for the introduction and conclusion: You don't want to be seen as dismissing the texts by listing all four in one sentence. It's not the end of the world, but I think it is a small thing that gives you some more scope to dig into it, in the hopes of increasing the sophistication of the essay.

Overall, I cannot believe this was in exam conditions! It's so great! I didn't point out the small areas of awkward wording (there was like, 2) because when you read this out loud you'll find them for yourself. So my next suggestion is to read this out loud and see how it reads. You'll notice so many little things. Some things won't necessarily be mistakes, but you'll see a way to turn what is good into great, in terms of expression.

Your analysis is awesome, your quotes are diligently selected and reflect a lot of study. The only problem that I see as needing to be fixed by your trial is your response to the question. You deal with art really well in that particular paragraph that I commented on. It was like your analysis was made to fit the question there, it was wonderful! You can definitely use synonyms, like language instead of words, as you've done. But, the words of the question may sound awkward but you need to use them explicitly. Perhaps you can be certain to use the words of the question at the start and end of the paragraph, and substitute for more suitable synonyms throughout the paragraph's body. The reason for this is, the marker can be reading your work and thinking, "good...goood...goood" but then you'll re-affirm their thoughts by dropping the words of the question, perfectly embedded, and they'll be like "good..goood..GREAT!!!" In Extension essays, you have a lot of freedom for creativity, but then you also need to be ticking boxes at the same time. And using the words of the question needs to be a really conscious effort that is at the forefront of your mind in an exam.

I haven't studied Romanticism like I said, so I can't really deliver an opinion on the way that you're speaking with accuracy. But, I can say that as someone who doesn't know a lot about Romanticism, I definitely felt as though you knew what you were talking about! You write with such clarity!!

I hope this gives you a bit of direction for the trials! Good luck! :)
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Lauradf36

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Re: English Extension 1 Essay Marking
« Reply #35 on: August 03, 2016, 04:59:00 pm »
Hello! I'll jump to this now :)

In the spoiler is your essay, with my own comments throughout. But I tend to stop writing comments towards the end if there is a recurring suggestion, in which case I'll write it below the spoiler :)


Thanks so much for your feedback! It's always great to have a new perspective and fresh eyes, so I will definitely try and implement your advice. This gives me a bit more confidence going into trials!  :)
ATAR: 98.85

English Adv: 94
English Ext: 47/50
Ancient history: 94
Legal studies: 94
Music I: 93
Religion II: 95

elysepopplewell

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Re: English Extension 1 Essay Marking
« Reply #36 on: August 03, 2016, 05:41:26 pm »
Thanks so much for your feedback! It's always great to have a new perspective and fresh eyes, so I will definitely try and implement your advice. This gives me a bit more confidence going into trials!  :)

I'm so glad! Hopefully if you gain anything from the creative feedback on the other forum, it is confidence for trials! But you are such a skilled writer, your expression is so clear. It's a real skill you have, even apparently in exam conditions! :)
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Lauradf36

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Re: English Extension 1 Essay Marking
« Reply #37 on: August 04, 2016, 04:58:40 pm »
I'm so glad! Hopefully if you gain anything from the creative feedback on the other forum, it is confidence for trials! But you are such a skilled writer, your expression is so clear. It's a real skill you have, even apparently in exam conditions! :)

Well, to be honest, I had my quotes & ideas & "bomb.com lines" as my teacher says for my paragraphs already written out. So not completely spur of the moment. And typing is different to handwriting of course! Let's just hope I can replicate it on the day!
ATAR: 98.85

English Adv: 94
English Ext: 47/50
Ancient history: 94
Legal studies: 94
Music I: 93
Religion II: 95

elysepopplewell

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  • "Hey little fighter, soon it will be brighter."
Re: English Extension 1 Essay Marking
« Reply #38 on: August 04, 2016, 05:17:50 pm »
Well, to be honest, I had my quotes & ideas & "bomb.com lines" as my teacher says for my paragraphs already written out. So not completely spur of the moment. And typing is different to handwriting of course! Let's just hope I can replicate it on the day!

That's always a good idea, for any essay! I'm sure you'll do wonderfully, especially if this is anything to go by!
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jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Extension 1 Essay Marking
« Reply #39 on: October 08, 2016, 03:43:25 am »
Hi everyone! So exams are right around the corner, and unsurprisingly, there are a HEAP of people wanting feedback on essays. Given that demand is really high, it is only natural that we will need to increase the post requirement for the coming days, to make sure that our feedback remains of the highest possible quality. Thus, for all essays posted between now (this post) and this time next week, you will need 30 posts for every essay you would like marked. Note that this does not apply to essays before this point, meaning no one is in post debt. It just means that essays 'cost more' for the next week. We appreciate your understanding :)


Note: We will be very harsh on our posting rules over the coming days. Posting in old threads, multi-posting, shit-posting and spamming (etc) to access essay marking won't work. Immediate 48 hour posting bans will be applied in all circumstances :)

sunshinelollipops

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Re: English Extension 1 Essay Marking
« Reply #40 on: October 16, 2016, 11:11:42 am »
Is the post requirement still 30? :(

sunshinelollipops

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Re: English Extension 1 Essay Marking
« Reply #41 on: October 17, 2016, 12:30:15 pm »
Hi ATAR Notes! Do I qualify for your essay marking service? I would really love some feedback on my extension essay before the exam!

elysepopplewell

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Re: English Extension 1 Essay Marking
« Reply #42 on: October 17, 2016, 01:26:05 pm »
Is the post requirement still 30? :(

It's back to 15! I will give you some feedback whenever you're ready to post it! :)
« Last Edit: October 17, 2016, 04:43:58 pm by elysepopplewell »
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sunshinelollipops

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Re: English Extension 1 Essay Marking
« Reply #43 on: October 17, 2016, 06:07:36 pm »
Hi Elyse! When you have the chance could you please have a look at my essay. I'm doing ATB and the same texts as you did but my essay is not nearly as good as yours. Thanks for taking the time to mark it! I really appreciate it!!!!! :) :)

Spoiler
“The texts in the After the Bomb period share a common purpose: to challenge the contextual values of their society.”
Following the unprecedented violence and destruction of World War Two, the ‘After the Bomb’ period prompted a reconstruction of not only infrastructure, but institutions, ideologies and systems. Consequently, texts of the era challenged and changed social, political and religious values with radical forms and ideas that provided new ways of thinking. Sylvia Plath’s confessional poems ‘The Applicant’ re-examined the female experience in America during the mid-20th century whilst Ingmar Bergman’s 1966 Swedish art film Persona encompasses Surrealist aesthetics to critique the post-war value placed upon marriage. Another of Plath’s poems, ‘Fever 103’ and Samuel Beckett’s Absurdist play Waiting for Godot presents the lack of Christian compassion and questions the reliability of religion following the dropping of the atomic bomb in Nagasaki and Hiroshima in 1946 which fused worldwide tension and uncertainty. The mercurial play also promotes camaraderie and company as solace in light of widespread re-evaluation of religious and social institutions, as does Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn’s 1986 novella, One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich.

Both ‘The Applicant’ and Persona criticise and challenge the traditional notion that marriage is a social expectation and requirement for acceptance, which existed during the ATB period. In ‘The Applicant’, Plath highlights the issue with this view on marriage through her depiction of marriage as a three-way transaction involving two unwilling parties and society as the matchmaker. The didactic voice of society personified in the voice of the unseen ‘Interviewer’, “open your hand… Here is a hand to fill it”, appears omnipotent through its mutual objectification of both the man and woman, representing the ingrained social expectations that pervaded not only a woman’s identity as a wife, but a man’s identity as the carer for the wife. The woman is referred to with the derogatory “it” and objectified by sales jargon, “it is waterproof, shatterproof”, which reminisces the rising capitalist consumerist culture in the US. Likewise, the man is also treated as an automaton that equally has no choice in the marriage – “Will you marry it, marry it, marry it.” The tautology in the final line of the poem transforms the initial question “will you marry it?” into an order, which echoed New York Times journalist, Mary Cantwell’s comment “God knows what would be left if you waited until you were 25 or 26”, thus demonstrating the value for marriage during this time and the determining role marriage in defining a person’s identity and acceptance within 1950s America.

Bergman’s iconic thriller, Persona, similarly interrogates the institution of marriage through the disintegration of the principal characters, Alma and Elisabet’s serene ‘personas’. The globalised world of the ATB period prioritised normalisation and social reintegration over the effective treatment of significant ‘wounds’ caused by the war. For Alma, this ‘treatment’ was to further her career and marry her fiancé, whilst Elisabet’s manifests in a symbolic mutism. Elisabet’s inability to continue playing the ‘persona’ of the perfect mother, wife, and actress, comes from her sense of personal responsibility for the traumas of the war, indicated by a close up shot of her mortified reaction to historical footage of the self-immolation of a Buddhist monk and photograph of a Warsaw ghetto. Her marriage breakdown contrasts with Alma’s desperate desire for a successful marriage, a juxtaposition which Bergman foregrounds in a surreal dream sequence where he superimposes the women's faces. Alma’s absorption of Elisabet’s ‘persona’ at the end of the film culminates in her surreal kiss with Elisabet’s husband, reflecting the abating worth of marriage due to the fluidity of identity and ‘personas’ in the changing world. Therefore, both Plath and Bergman’s subversive portrayals of the disintegration of marriage during the ATB period serves as their criticism of their society’s over-valuation of traditional customs such as marriage.

Religion as a cultural influence is challenged in Beckett’s Godot and Plath’s ‘Fever 103’, through the respective representation of the hypocrisy of Christianity and the ways its teachings failed its followers. Beckett’s play interprets religion as a totalising grand narrative but upon reconsideration of it’s inherent sanctimony, rejects religion thusly. The play centres on two characters, Vladimir ‘Gogo’ and Estragon ‘Didi’, who wait endlessly for the arrival of Godot. Immediately after Godot is first mentioned, Vladimir and Estragon reference the crucifixion of Christ, “one of the thieves were saved” and discuss the Evangelists’ four accounts of Christ’s death, of which only one mentions the salvation of the thief. The presentation of the irregularities in the accounts of Christianity serves as Beckett’s criticism of people’s blind faith in an unaccounted god-like being. Further, in Act 2, Pozzo is compared to Adam and Eve’s sons Cain and Abel, the scriptural origins of murder and guilt. This biblical reference not only suggests that the characters in the play represent the human race, but illustrate religion as a promulgator of crime, which furthers Beckett’s view of the imprudence of religious belief. Thus the dropping of the atomic bomb led to an intensified questioning of religion as revealed in nihilistic tensions of Godot.

Similarly, in ‘Fever 103’, Plath echoes the widespread re-evaluation of traditional Christian values in post-WW2 America. Her depiction of a delirious and frenzied fever, articulates a vision of the consequences of war. The Dantean imagery of Hell, “the tongues of hell are dull… as the triple tongues of dull, fat Cerberus”, along with the hallucinatory style of the poem, insinuates the speaker’s internal struggles to commit to, and submit to the teachings of a failed and now archaic institution. These tactile images of Hell are contrasted with symbols of purity in “acetylene Virgin… cherubs”, reinforcing the Church’s failure to protect its disciples ‘after the bomb’. Further, the parallelism with which she states, “your body hurts me, as the world hurts God” demonstrates the persona’s self-deification and affinity with God as a sufferer and sacrifice, echoing Plath’s existential crisis and anguish, which lead to her subsequent suicide. However, unlike Plath, the speaker ultimately ‘rises’ above the confusion of the world, “to paradise”. Whilst there is discomfort in Plath’s symbolic apotheosis at the end of the poem, the speaker expresses awareness of the sin that is permeating society and the fear and questioning of religion which epitomised the post-war period. Therefore, both Plath and Beckett critique the role and relevance of religious faith and contemplate the collapse of religious beliefs through their respective American and French perspectives.

Disappointment in the institution of marriage and of the validity of religious grand narratives precipitated a fundamental secular shift which transformed relationships and camaraderie into something to be relied upon in the ATB period. The symbiotic relationship between Estragon and Vladimir and the dependency of Pozzo and Lucky in Godot and the decorum between the prisoners in Ivan is indicative of this value of friendship. ‘Gogo’ and ‘Didi’s’ dependence on each other to provide distraction from the fractured world is portrayed in the repetitiveness of their comedic cross-talk routine, “You must be happy too”, “Happy about what?”, “To be back with me again”. Paralleling this relationship, Pozzo and Lucky also share a dependence on each other but unlike Estragon and Vladimir, their relationship is based on subjugation. The ironically named Lucky, who represents the working class, is characterised as dependent on Pozzo, who represents the aristocracy. Lucky, the oppressed, needs Pozzo, the oppressor, to provide direction and order, “Leave him in peace… Basket!” Reciprocating this dependency, Pozzo requires Lucky to serve him, “I'd very much like to sit down, but I don't quite know how to go about it”. Their mutual dependence on each other indicates the need for a functioning relationship between the top and bottom echelons of power especially during the ATB as society reverted back old ways of thinking in an attempt to gain stability and a sense of normalcy.

In the same way, Ivan presents camaraderie as vital to survival during the hopeless ATB period. Solzhenitsyn recounts the repressive anxiety of the Cold War period through the portrayal an “almost happy day” in a Gulag. Ivan and the members of Gang 104 work together to earn extra supplies to complete the arduous tasks assigned by the prison officials and prolong their survival in the prison. Solzhenitsyn uses the prison as a microcosm of the Soviet Union and renders the hostile prison environment and lingering threat of starvation in Ivan’s conversation with fellow “zek” Alyoshka, “our Lord commanded us to pray for our daily bread”. Alyoshka satirically elevates the prison officials to God, which foregrounds the power wielded by the guards, who are models of Stalin’s totalitarian leadership. The inmate’s dependence on each other which mirrors the relationships between Estragon on Vladimir and Pozzo’s and Lucky in Godot, illustrates the indispensability of camaraderie in the ATB period, whereby all these characters maintain their sanity and survive in the oppressive world through their meaningful relationships with others.

Ultimately, significant texts in the ATB period challenged the political, religious and social values of their era. Plath’s poems ‘Fever 103’ and ‘The Applicant’, Bergman’s Minimalist Thriller Persona, Beckett’s Absurdist play, Godot, as well as Solzhenitsyn’s novella, Ivan, all challenged the paradigms and institutions which dictated an individual’s livelihood in the ATB climate of Cold War anxiety and displacement. These texts respectively provided an American, Swedish, French and Russian representation of societies’ blind certainty and belief in the institution of marriage and religion, to convey the climate of denial, existentialism and rising value of camaraderie in the ATB period.

aoife98

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Re: English Extension 1 Essay Marking
« Reply #44 on: October 18, 2016, 02:27:33 pm »
I was hoping someone could look over my generic ATB essay. With every paper I've attempted, I've basically adjusted my generic essay and ended up with a really long and chaotic essay. Any advice for where I've lost focus/areas which could be easily moulded to a particular question and how to better address ways of thinking would be great  :)


As the 1945 mushroom cloud ballooned over Hiroshima city, traditional values regarding the pursuit of man were dashed away forever, replaced by distrust, paranoia and existentialism, indicating a loss of faith in former certainties such as the Christian metanarrative. Responding to this shift in global consciousness, composers of the era saw the atomic bomb as humanity's failure and reflected the resulting disillusionment and changing values through their texts. This is explicit through the subversion of literary conventions, as in Samuel Beckett’s 1953 play Waiting for Godot, and Stanley Kubrick's film Dr Strangelove (1964) which embody popular nihilistic and hopeless views. Further, the culture of distraction through material possession and adoption of social restrictions, which developed to mask the pervading isolation is critiqued by Sylvia Plath’s poetic anthology Ariel and Don DeLillo’s 1985 novel White Noise. Through diverse representations of common post war rationales, these composers reveal the ways of thinking of the period.

The dropping of the bomb saw increasing isolation as enlightenment thinking was replaced by existentialist doubt regarding .... This intensive questioning of perceived truths and resulting instability is represented through Beckett’s absurdist text Waiting for Godot. Emblematic of the eras increasing rejection of Christianity, Beckett absurdly depicts Sartre’s teachings through the protagonists Vladimir and Estragon, who embody “bad faith” through their pursual of external answers to their purpose, which Sartre finds false and unfulfilling. This provides insight into the prevailing disillusionment following the contextual horrors which leads the characters to put complete faith in the omniscient, controlling and metaphorical ‘Godot,’ creating a stagnant plot which allegorically highlights the consequences of trusting authority, reflecting changing values. This realisation of human powerlessness is amplified to readers through darkly humorous stage directions which demonstrate societies struggle to continue daily life without the faith they had previously trusted. This manifests differently through the characters as frantic pacing and emotional breakdowns in Didi and incoherent intellectual musings by Gogo. This characterisation manipulates the absurdist form to express the underlying dysfunction which grew from the sudden absence of individuals power. Beckett further reveals this through the rejection of traditional language conventions through fragmented syntax and useless repertoire in the dialogue “Nothing to be done”. The motif captures the prevailing loss of faith in leaders and religion following the bomb. Absolute trust in authority is further criticised through characters desensitised reactions to inhumanity through the satirically childlike connotations of “We could play at Pozzo and Lucky.” The characters empathy is subverted, metaphorically questioning the consequences of the periods reliance on propaganda to suppress and control and revealing the rejection of dictated truths. Through stage directions and truncated sentences, the composer creates a poignant tone, revealing the extent of disempowerment “To every man his little cross. Till he dies. (Afterthought) And is forgotten.” This questions the prevalent trust in religious authority by subverting Christian ideologies of reaching salvation through suffering. Instead, Beckett proposes individuals are insignificant, revealing the contextual existentialism and rejection of religion which resulted from the dropping of the bomb.

Following post bomb conventions, Kubrick’s film Dr Strangelove employs satire to express contextual disillusionment in authority following its failure to protect humanity, embodying  political unrest as opposed to Beckett’s nihilism. The film manipulates audience’s contextual hyper-anxieties to reveal the flaws of total trust in authority, alluding to McCarthy's ‘Red Scare’ through General Ripper. Realising the absurdity of the Cold War, Kubrick highlights the dangers of propaganda-driven terror through Ripper’s erratic movements which suggest a brainwashed neurosis, connotating the suppression of thought. By reducing the atomic bomb to a sexual metaphor which alludes to Jack the Ripper’s violent sexual tendencies, the composer satirised leaders egos, likening the arms race to a male desire to prove his masculinity through the size of his genitalia. Their incompetent protection of society manifests in the President's dramatically ironic objection to a scuffle between two delegates, “you can't fight in here. This is the War Room!” The contextual political compliance was further criticised through historical figures incompetent characterisation, paralleling disillusionment in the Christian god. Their fallibility is evident through cross-cutting which undermines their authority by contrasting the comical chewing of gum with absurd dialogue between opposing leaders  “Don’t say that you’re more sorry than I am.”  regarding the global doom they invoked. This subverts prevailing notions of right versus wrong, finding the surrendering of power to any one body as dangerous. The paradoxical policy M.A.D is satirised through the ironic motto “Peace is our profession,” which appears in the background of combat scenes to emphasise the irrationality of deterrent policies. This is reiterated by the contrasting montage of explosions and non diegetic score music which foreshadow Kubrick's perceived future. Thus, Kubrick embodies post war disillusionment, revealing all politicians as incompetent and reflecting the resultant hopelessness as the concept of American greatness collapsed.

Reacting to growing instability, Western society turned to traditional conservative values for order. Satirically representing the commodification of women, Plath utilises historical allusions and emotive personas to criticise her society for its culture of superficial containment. The contextual disintegration of trust associated with fears of Communism left individuals isolated. Seeking identity, they conformed to stereotypical roles, as criticised by Plath in Daddy through the satirical character representation. Transfixed by a “man in black with a Meinkampf look,” the developed Electra complex satirises societal clinging to oppressive values in order to gain identity, alluding to the Nazi regime and black motifs to reveal the oppressive relationships between women and men. The authors criticism of her society for accepting these values is evident through the juxtaposition of these harsh images with an insistent nursery rhyme tone, using language to metaphorically reveal the inequality. Plath exposes social expectation as a threat to wellbeing through the characterisation of a leering crowd at Lady Lazarus’ “big strip tease.” The symbolism metaphorically represents the unfeeling, self regulating society emerging to cope with the new terrifying reality of their mortality, alluding to the constant fear of being labelled a Communist during the Red Scare. A titillating and perverse tone furthers Plath’s criticism of society’s “comfortable concentration camp” (Freidan) where women are viewed as a commodity, drawing on the corporate setting and stereotypical roles of married partners to demonstrate her society's attempt to regain stability following the bomb. This is clear in The Applicant through an extended interview metaphor which satirises traditional family values. The housewife parody “Come here, sweetie, out of that closet” is aided by a condescending tone to create an emotional dissociation, reflecting the inferior role of women in the context and more broadly, the harm caused by social constraints on individuality. Plath ultimately rejects the traditional values adopted by her context to impose order, finding them oppressive and destructive. Embodying the growing feminist movement, Plath’s satirical use of persona’s and reliance on evocative historical allusions provides insight into the struggle of individuals in questioning their own identity amidst social restrictions and expectations.

Consumerism as a distraction from fear is criticised in DeLillo’s postmodernist novel White Noise as disintegrating the family unit. Depicting the ‘consume or die’ American culture, DeLillo demonstrates the growing contextual consumerism as a method of diversion from mortality. This is explicit in the motif stream of consciousness “Who will die first?”  interrupted by the mantra “Mastercard, Visa, American Express.” The composer uses religious allusion to the Trinity to highlight the contextual replacement of religion with material goods. The structural placement of this internal dialogue reveals the chaotic human psyche following 1945, which individuals sought to reconcile through material distraction. DeLillo presents consumerism as an analogy for propaganda; an omnipresent being demanding complete submission.  Through a lexical chain and sensory appeals, the composer creates a tone of overwhelming choice, revealing advertising as a method of cognitive repression. The endless soundtrack of “toneless systems, the jangle and skid of carts, the loudspeaker” diverts the protagonist from his toxic environment, maintaining his naivety and suppressing his individuality. Submersion in the superficial is revealed as creating dysfunction through a series of subplots and tangents. These reveal the resulting disorder where family values are subverted. This culminates in adultery for material gain, explicitly criticised by the composer as a “Capitalist transaction”, satirically revealing the consequences of consumerism on society. Cold War reliance on superficial distractions from fear is thus portrayed by DeLillo as responsible for the breakdown of traditional values, reiterating Plath’s acknowledgment of social coping mechanisms as threatening humanity. This criticism of consumerism is thus a response to the author's distaste in his society's ignorance, offering a significant understanding into the contextual focus on distraction from mortality which developed following significant human loss in the period.

Responding to the post 1945 shift in ways of thinking, composers sought to reveal the prevalent isolation and disillusionment which affected all aspects of society. By portraying disturbing accounts of modern reality from multiple perspectives, texts emulated the prevalent questioning of former certainties about technology as furthering civilisation and the Christian metanarrative. These are apparent through various text representations which convey the disintegration of trust, identity, family and logic. These are significant as they reveal both popular paradigms from the context and the response of some to challenge these ways of thinking.