ATAR Notes: Forum

Uni Stuff => General University Discussion and Queries => Topic started by: unsub on March 23, 2015, 11:18:53 pm

Title: Can't seem to make "friends"
Post by: unsub on March 23, 2015, 11:18:53 pm
so its nearly 1 month in uni and i can't seem to make friends. I put " " around friends in the title because i mean solid friends. I've made an effort to talk to people but we just don't seem to click. i don't know how people do it and i get down on myself sometimes. everyone also seems to have cliques already and when i do want to meet people at parties, it doesn't feel welcoming nor do i know what to talk about besides 'what course you doing', 'how do you know so and so' if we have mutual friends. i often feel lonely when i don't have friends to hang out with outside of uni, for example: on a night out or weekend. so i want to ask: what do you often talk about to someone you don't know at a party/club/generally. I'll be honest that i'm quite boring and have slight social anxiety so i am scared of approaching and being rejected.
Thanks in advance
Title: Re: Can't seem to make "friends"
Post by: Phy124 on March 24, 2015, 12:09:44 am
I'm shit at small talk so I'm just going to give you three steps that might help:
1. Find a club that interests you http://www.monashclubs.org/Clubs?category=all
2. Join the club and attend events
3. Bond with other club members over mutual interests
Title: Re: Can't seem to make "friends"
Post by: sjayne on March 24, 2015, 12:44:51 am
You're not alone, I haven't made any friends either and I even seriously considered dropping out but it's still early days. It's okay to have a couple of small groups of friends or people you talk to just in classes. Good friendships take time to form and you should still go out with your old high school friends sometimes.

Joking with people in lectures, smiling at someone when they sit next you, looking for other people who are alone in tutes to sit next too.. Everything helps.

The hardest thing for me for me so far is having to eat lunch alone everyday, so thats a reason to try out some clubs I guess.
Title: Re: Can't seem to make "friends"
Post by: anna.xo on March 24, 2015, 07:15:49 am
Sorry to hear this guys :'(

Just to let you know, anyone is more than welcome to spend their breaks with me if they'd like to. I'll be your friend :)
Title: Re: Can't seem to make "friends"
Post by: hobbitle on March 24, 2015, 09:18:41 am

You're not alone, I haven't made any friends either and I even seriously considered dropping out but it's still early days. It's okay to have a couple of small groups of friends or people you talk to just in classes. Good friendships take time to form and you should still go out with your old high school friends sometimes.

Joking with people in lectures, smiling at someone when they sit next you, looking for other people who are alone in tutes to sit next too.. Everything helps.

The hardest thing for me for me so far is having to eat lunch alone everyday, so thats a reason to try out some clubs I guess.

Good on you for your great attitude mate.

Regarding the lunch alone thing - this must be a weird thing that school leavers have a problem with because in school you always eat lunch with like 15 people. Seriously, it is not remotely weird to be eating lunch alone. I do it every day and I like it. Just see it as time to have a quiet moment to yourself in the day! If you have a tute before lunch ever, try and chat to someone in your tute then ask if they want to grab lunch after.
Title: Re: Can't seem to make "friends"
Post by: brenden on March 24, 2015, 11:35:20 am
Can confirm, I've been eating lunch alone since day 1 and it's a perfect time to look at everyone and be like "ho ho ho, my lunch is much tastier than yours. bow down to me, lowly peasants".
Title: Re: Can't seem to make "friends"
Post by: slothpomba on March 30, 2015, 02:46:58 am
Many people feel like this. I know i definitely felt like this in my first year, even now (5 years later) i occasionally think "Have i made *enough* friends out of this?".

I felt like this in my first year too. A lot of it comes from false expectations. You have all these ideas in your head of what university *should* be like for you. The experience doesn't live up to what was in your head and then you don't feel so good. I know its hard but try come to it with no expectations (but still trying) and you'll have a much better time.

Talk about anything. See if you like anything in common, ask if they like X or Y, then talk about X or Y. If it fails just move on. There is an insane amount of people out there, it wont work with everyone and it wont click with everyone. There are some people i just cant click with (but they click fine with others) and vice versa. There's nothing wrong here, it's just how human social dynamics work.

I think you're struggling for a lack of something to talk about. I strongly feel joining a club will help you with this. If you are in the club with people, you have at least 1 thing in common to safely talk about.

Social anxiety doesn't need to be a disease or a disorder (although it can be). We all feel a normal amount of it from time to time. You can talk to your counselling service and they might give you some tips to deal with anxiety. There doesn't need to be necessarily anything wrong with you, just think of it as a performance enhancing thing like working out. If you do think there is a problem, they will help you out.
Title: Re: Can't seem to make "friends"
Post by: alchemy on April 03, 2015, 07:13:17 am
Many people feel like this. I know i definitely felt like this in my first year, even now (5 years later) i occasionally think "Have i made *enough* friends out of this?".

Judging by your profile and sig pic, which seem to hint at your political beliefs, how exactly do you make friends at Monash?
Title: Re: Can't seem to make "friends"
Post by: keltingmeith on April 03, 2015, 10:11:04 am
Judging by your profile and sig pic, which seem to hint at your political beliefs, how exactly do you make friends at Monash?
You do realize Monash has a liberal club, yeah?
Title: Re: Can't seem to make "friends"
Post by: alchemy on April 03, 2015, 10:35:55 am
You do realize Monash has a liberal club, yeah?

Typical journey to Monash Uni:

Stop at Huntingdale station: "Pyne is evil!"....."Death be to Abbott"...."Student strike at Menzies today"....
Freakin' Myki can't touch off because some guy stuck an RFID of Pyne's face onto the machine......

Walk through Huntingdale station: "Gender Equality"......."We love asylum seekers!".... "MARXISM!" written all around you. Everywhere you turn, these words are etched onto your mind.

Bus stop to library: Knees weak, arms heavy. Lefties swarm you handing out leaflets as they speak. "But I have to get to class", you say..."Will there be classes today", they say......

Yet they have a liberal club? I can't help but feel sorry for them.....

Title: Re: Can't seem to make "friends"
Post by: Orb on April 03, 2015, 11:11:53 am
Typical journey to Monash Uni:

Stop at Huntingdale station: "Pyne is evil!"....."Death be to Abbott"...."Student strike at Menzies today"....
Freakin' Myki can't touch off because some guy stuck an RFID of Pyne's face onto the machine......

Walk through Huntingdale station: "Gender Equality"......."We love asylum seekers!".... "MARXISM!" written all around you. Everywhere you turn, these words are etched onto your mind.

Bus stop to library: Knees weak, arms heavy. Lefties swarm you handing out leaflets as they speak. "But I have to get to class", you say..."Will there be classes today", they say......

Yet they have a liberal club? I can't help but feel sorry for them.....

I don't think he's actually a right-winger...
Title: Re: Can't seem to make "friends"
Post by: Gentoo on April 03, 2015, 06:42:08 pm
Knees weak, arms heavy.

There's vomit on his sweater already....

Mom's spaghetti....
Title: Re: Can't seem to make "friends"
Post by: alchemy on April 03, 2015, 07:14:31 pm
There's vomit on his sweater already....

Mom's spaghetti....

;D you picked up on it!
Title: Re: Can't seem to make "friends"
Post by: BigAl on April 03, 2015, 08:43:38 pm
Find a sport team and start playing! Apparently, employers also care about how you can squish some extra curricular activity into your academic life. I only found this out in my 3rd year+ I was lazy.
Title: Re: Can't seem to make "friends"
Post by: slothpomba on April 07, 2015, 09:33:41 pm
Judging by your profile and sig pic, which seem to hint at your political beliefs, how exactly do you make friends at Monash?


I'm actually as reasonably far left as they come :p. I'm a greens member in reality. That was an april fools joke i never changed.

It would be fun to walk around in a liberal tshirt and play the act though..
Title: Re: Can't seem to make "friends"
Post by: LochNess Monster on March 03, 2021, 12:17:40 am
Don't know if this post is still being read or alive, but this question is very relatable. I am a sociable person but I couldn't make real friends in 1st year, only acquaintances who I sat next to in class or smiled at when I saw them around.

And realising my unmet expectations of hanging out on weekends with hordes of friends and being Little Miss Popular for once wasn't coming true, I felt so lonely and honestly depressed a lot of 1st year. I didn't understand why too. I was thinking, is it my fault? But I'm trying so hard. And I was! And it wasn't my fault. I was nice, friendly to everyone...But things just didn't click.

I think the loneliness is amplified when you realise your highschool friends all seem to be moving on just fine without you, and they are all doing their lives without catching up regularly, and some friends you thought would be there forever are ghosting you, and some friends you trust your life with seem to only exist in comforting text messages over the phone, and not in real life anymore.

It also sucked when I saw my classmates get along better than I did with them, and when a few of them got together and had drinks without me  ??? :-\ :-\ Made me feel like all my progress was fake.

It was only in 2nd year that I started making one good friend in a club, over zoom meetings, and slowly, other good friends started trickling in without me even noticing it. Now I have friends on campus but I have a small fear that the same thing will happen when I go to work in the adult world, and I'll have to start all over again when everyone moves on. So, I'm trying to enjoy my friendships while I can and while they're here.

ANYWAYS, what I'm trying to get at is, it's okay to be lonely and sad in 1st year. 1st year sucked for me. It was tough. And I can hear you're already trying your best, going to parties and clubs, and really trying to put yourself out there. It's ok to not know what to say. It's ok if you feel like friendships are taking too long to build.
Because you are doing just fine. And none of it is your fault. It's just hard adjusting to a new environment. Change is never easy. So go easy on yourself, enjoy the peaceful days you have by yourself, make do, continue chatting to people in class and out of class.
And I can promise that before you realise the years are flying by, you'll have found someone to call friend, and that someone will truly appreciate and get you and you can laugh at uni life and classes together.
Good things take time.
So spend your time well while you can. Feel free to private message me if you wanna chat more about this topic!