Discovery Creative (For HSC)

[Razeen25]

Hii,

Creative writing is by FAR my weakest area of English, perhaps in the entire HSC. So I know my creative is really bad and as trials are coming up I was wondering if somebody could please provide feedback on it? Please roast it as much as you like (I need it )!

Thank you!

Also, the parts highlighted in yellow are aspects I can tell do not work/lack sophistication, but I'm just struggling with re-wording.

[Ellielh]

Hey, I'm not going to try to give thorough feedback for this (hpefully a mod will!!) as creative writing is also my biggest struggle, but I noticed that you could "show not tell" a little bit more.
E.g.
"The immediate shock is slowly suffused with anger." 

Look up the site "descriptionari" and then search a word like "shock" or  "anger". These responses are usually hyper-descriptive or extended metaphors, and I've found that they really help with creating imagery within a scene. Hope this helps a bit.

[Razeen25]

Hey, I'm not going to try to give thorough feedback for this (hpefully a mod will!!) as creative writing is also my biggest struggle, but I noticed that you could "show not tell" a little bit more.
E.g.
"The immediate shock is slowly suffused with anger." 

Look up the site "descriptionari" and then search a word like "shock" or  "anger". These responses are usually hyper-descriptive or extended metaphors, and I've found that they really help with creating imagery within a scene. Hope this helps a bit.

Ahh thank you for this! I have habit of overly telling instead of showing.

[dancing phalanges]

Hey, I'm not going to try to give thorough feedback for this (hpefully a mod will!!) as creative writing is also my biggest struggle, but I noticed that you could "show not tell" a little bit more.
E.g.
"The immediate shock is slowly suffused with anger." 

Look up the site "descriptionari" and then search a word like "shock" or  "anger". These responses are usually hyper-descriptive or extended metaphors, and I've found that they really help with creating imagery within a scene. Hope this helps a bit.

Descriptionari is the best! Used it heaps in the HSC when I was stuck

[Razeen25]

Hii, I'm not sure if I should've made a new thread but anyways, this is the creative I used for trials which I got 13/15 for. But in my opinion that was just lenient marking and my creative is more reflective of a 9/10 mark out of 15.

If anybody could please provide feedback on my creative for HSC, it would be greatly appreciated (literally beyond words)!