Login

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

March 29, 2024, 12:07:40 pm

Author Topic: English Advanced: common module Kenneth Slessor essay  (Read 687 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

twelftholmes

  • Trailblazer
  • *
  • Posts: 45
  • Respect: +6
English Advanced: common module Kenneth Slessor essay
« on: February 23, 2020, 09:57:12 pm »
0
Hey! This is my 2nd essay for the common mod I've written and also posted to these forums. The feedback I received last time was immensely helpful so here I am again, only hoping to improve!

The main things I am not sure about are my introduction and my conclusion. I feel like it should maybe have a bit more substance?? I know that intro and conclusion shouldn't be detailed but I feel like I'm just repeating what I did for my last essay.
Also, I'm not sure if my analysis and bringing in of techniques and quotes in the paragraphs is too far away from the topic sentence? By  that I mean I'm not sure if I'm providing too much context, or if it would be better if I just went straight into technique and analysis and spread the context throughout the poem (if that makes any sense).

Thanks for any feedback that you can give. Also, if anyone else here is doing Kenneth Slessor poems for the common mod and would like to exchange advice on essays, let me know!!
HSC 2020: English Advanced [71], Maths Adv [74]+ Ext [21], Physics [80], Ancient History [79], Business Studies [67]
ATAR: 68.50

round 2!!
HSC 2021: eng adv, math adv, physics, ancient history

kiwibirdau

  • MOTM: Feb 20
  • Adventurer
  • *
  • Posts: 14
  • Respect: +5
Re: English Advanced: common module Kenneth Slessor essay
« Reply #1 on: February 24, 2020, 08:11:00 am »
+4
Hey,

Great work on the whole!

I would recommend maybe underlying the key words of the question and writing 2-3 synonyms for each for like the very limited planning time we have. :)

It’s just so you make sure you use the terms consistently without sounding too repetitive.

In terms of your essay, I have noticed that you have not discussed “storytelling” as well as you could have - this is a crucial aspect of the question - that is how does the aesthetics and universality of storytelling allow composers (Slessor) to advance their purpose to evoke “xyz” within responders etc and also provide insight into “abc”.

Also the part of the question that states “gives us insight” - Mention your perspective on this quite early in your intro by relating it back to the wider world and what we learn from the stylistic/form and conceptual choices of Slessor to better understand the complexities of the human experience.

It is good that you are using syllabus terms, but I think in some places they are overused - for example if you say the paradox of the human experience and then don’t really expand on what you mean it’s not supplementing your argument. The paradox of Christian belief systems was a good use of syllabus terms try to replicate this throughout.

Just a small thing - try to replace “tell” with more evocative words - such as:

Slessor entangles audiences within a human dilemma encompassing Gulliver’s internal monologue that forces an appreciation for etc...

So instead of tell - show the actual affect of what Slessor tells, what I mean to say is how to people react after reading it - do they have to reconsider normative values or reaffirm existing perceptions of our complex emotions etc. Hope this isn’t too confusing.

You are missing a “link back” sentence at the end of some of your body paragraphs - make sure you particularly answer the question and talk about what insight this particular concept is providing and to make a more sophisticated argument - give a reason WHY you think the composer does it/why it’s important to the legacy of storytelling overtime.

Also try to have a flow of your argument throughout - I feel like some of the themes are detached and there isn’t a constant flow of information - a way to achieve this is to always begin with an argument addressing the question, which is kinda broad and the second sentence after that you can elaborate on the theme.

In terms of conclusions, I’ve only written 2 sentences and sometimes one 🙊. So don’t stress too much - it’s just to indicate you have finished your argument and a final statement to make sure the marker knows your argument is super unique and you have successfully convinced them of that. Maybe other people can provide opinion on this - I feel spending more time on body paragraphs to strengthen your argument is better than writing a longer conclusion but feel free to disagree.

I’ll provide more direct feedback in the word document when I have some time - but I hope this helps. :))

Good job once again and keep up the awesome work, would love to continue reading your essays.

 :)




« Last Edit: February 24, 2020, 08:23:39 am by kiwibirdau »
HSC 2020
Work smart, not hard.