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Author Topic: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)  (Read 602513 times)

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jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1215 on: July 28, 2017, 01:09:21 pm »
Hi,

If you get a chance it would be much appreciated if you could give me some feedback.

Sure thing!! Feedback in bold in the paragraph ;D

Essay Question: Explore how time and place are used in the prescribed speeches to shape the audience’s understanding of how knowledge of the past sheds light on the present. In your response, make detailed reference to at least TWO of the speeches set for study.

Paragraph: Margaret Atwood’s speech “Spotty Handed Villainesses” (1994) addresses the abuse of literature to recognise only the male dominated portion of human experience throughout history, and thus, its failure to reflect the diversity of life and its moral intricacy as expressed by women. Good concept - If you are worried about word count, this could definitely be expressed more simply and more directly. Delivered numerous times at literary events, Atwood’s discussion is clearly catalysed by the “third wave” of feminism in 1994, which targeted the need to abolish stereotypes and representing non-white women. First part of that sentence is unnecessary if you are concerned about length. Atwood begins to engage her intellectual audience through her conversational style of address coupled with her deceptively colloquial register, disarming the audience and opening them up to her didactic insights. Excellent. Atwood’s opening concept of the dichotomy between virtuous and vile women is introduced through the historical allusion “... Angel/Whore split so popular among the Victorians…” This evidently displays that women in literature are portrayed as existing solely in two locations on the spectrum of morality, confronting the audience at such a limited and restricted view of women. Work on condensing your analysis into single sentences, "Atwood communicates the dichotomy between virtuous and vile women through historical allusion to the "angel/whore split," confronting the audience with the black/white moral representation of woman throughout history." That's how I'd do it. As a result, we are perplexed at this seemingly obvious, yet undeniably subtle personality trait that seems to have been forced upon all textual representations of women. Still explaining the one quote - Definitely no more than two sentences per quote, and again, ideally one. Though, Atwood continues to maintain focus through the irony “Were women to be condemned to virtue for life …”, expressing the ridiculous length of time for which multi-dimensional women have been devoid from literary texts. Take out the "continued" bit, just say "Atwood uses irony to achieve ________." Super direct. Finally, Atwood incorporates a rhetorical question “... they exist in life, so why shouldn’t they exist in literature?” The self evident absurdity of excluding women who are multifaceted from literature stamps the audience’s conscious, leaving a lasting impression and thus persuading the audience of Atwood’s viewpoint of the need to address the issue of female representation. Good conclusion.

Overall I think this paragraph does the right things!! I don't think it answers the question super well by itself but your Thesis might do some of that work in linking it together. I think it is about being really clever with your analysis, going more direct. You sort of explain where in the speech the technique sits in some spots, that's unnecessary. Besides that, just word adjustments - Chisel away at it, strive for one sentence analyses like I demonstrated for you in the middle there ;D

frog1944

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1216 on: July 28, 2017, 04:01:04 pm »
Awesome! Thanks Jamon :)

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1217 on: July 29, 2017, 01:37:16 pm »
I've got 5 essays to do but I won't bombard you with em all as I'm fairly confident with the rest :) Would be appreciated if feedback could be given asap as the essays on tuesday!

“Composers may share similar concerns, but their contexts and values determine how these concerns are conveyed.

Discuss this above statement with close reference to the prescribed texts studies in the elective texts. 



Appreciate the work you all do~ Apologies again for not being active recently. Trials and such ):

Hey Wales! Check out my comments below :)

Original essay
Spoiler
As society progresses the presence of Shakespeare diminishes as individuals are distanced from his profound works and become entrapped in pop culture, reinforcing the notion that his works are beyond comprehension of the modern demographic. William Shakespeare's King Richard III (K3) being textually and linguistically dramatic promotes the stereotype that his works are of a different level of sophistication and difficult for a postmodern audience to understand. Al Pacino created his docudrama Looking For Richard (LFR) with the pure objective of breaking the stereotype and transcending K3’s confines of the Elizabethan context and to introduce the relevance of Shakespeare in modern society. By comparing the transcending values of society; power, divinity and politics, the audience is able to convert the appeal of Elizabethan theatricality to a postmodern cinematic context allowing for an enlightened understanding of the purpose of Shakespeare’s works today.

The integrity of human nature whilst innate is susceptible to change due shifting moral values in society. Shakespeare effectively integrates the Elizabethan notions of power and manipulation into his theatrical production Richard III to illustrate to the elizabethan audience the corrupting nature of power as a result of the War of the Roses. Shakespeare delves into Richard’s obsession with supremacy through the use of definitive language in his soliloquy “determined to prove a villain” accentuating his audacious stance in achieving ultimate power allowing the audience to understand the inherent malicious intent of his actions. Shakespeare’s portrayal of Richard’s deformity capitalises the providential notion of determinism and effectively allows the Elizabethan audience to understand how Richard’s body was shaped advance to justify his lacking moral compass. Throughout the play the two prominent descriptions of Richard as “deformed” and “monstrous” can be a interpretive pattern where which take bodily anomalies as evidence for deeper moral truths. Shakespeare asserts the truth that Richard’s deformation are innate and reveals in the opening soliloquy where Richard describes himself as “rudely stamped” clearly alluding to his body as a manifestation of malevolence rather than a mere disability. By hyperbolising the hierarchical structures of the Elizabethan era, Shakespeare effectively reinforces the damaging ideology of power present in society, illustrating the importance of the relationship between context and its values.   



Conversely, Pacino presents the play by appropriating Richard’s innate desire for power into a 20th century context. He guides the postmodern audience through a stream of consciousness style docudrama which to an understanding Shakespeare’s works through his use of dramatic techniques such as rapid camera movements to signify tension between a desire for power and one’s sense of morality. In contemporary society power is defined as political prowess and the ability to manipulate the populace, which alludes to Richard’s machiavellian persona. Pacino manifests Richards thirst for power in his dark costuming ultimately assisting the postmodern audience in identifying the inherent malevolence of Richard through the visual appreciation of color in a visual medium appropriate to the context where black denotes a sense of evil and death. Furthermore the chiaroscuro lighting and Pacino’s role both as actor and director allow the audience to understand the portrayal of Richard’s power and duplicitous nature in a modern context . Pacino’s context of the 21st century contrasts the Shakespearean notion of justice of the Chain of Being with the postmodern ethnocentric context where power is instead limited by one’s moral compass. Pacino symbolises Richard’s autocratic power with the nd impunity in contrast to the fear divine retribution in Elizabethan era. Pacino’s manipulation of textual form effectively captures Shakespeare’s representation of power and translates it into a salient textual medium for the contemporary audience to comprehend. 


Throughout K3 the audience is conflicted as to how Richard is able to carry out his actions in the Elizabethan context where religious influence dominates conscience of the citizens. Conscience first appears with the religious allusions to the 10 Commandments “stealing, swearing and adultery” which signifies that one’s conscience will betray them once they do something less than acceptable as a result of a fear of divine retribution. The notion of providentialism is raised by the second murderer in the religious allusion “Take the devil in thy mind and believe him not” revealing the overwhelming influence of God that extends to sinners and how they are still troubled by conscience. The hesitancy exhibited by both murderers emphasises the complicit nature of Richard as one who will exploit the moral weakness of others in order to acquire his desires akin to that of a machiavellian villain. The theocentric context of the Elizabethan era implies providentialism is inescapable enforced through Margret’s religious symbolism “All may be well but if God sort it so” which capitalises upon the omnipotent nature of God. Ultimately the human conscience is explicitly displayed in K3 allowing the audience to understand the effect of religion on one’s actions and conscience in a theocentric society and the futility of attempting to escape the wrath of the divine.           


Similarly, Pacino establishes the effects of the human conscience on one’s actions by contrasting divine retribution with the moral and ethical obligations of the secular modern day. As society gravitates towards ethnocentrism the previously omnipotent presence of God is appropriated by Pacino into a self centered ethical obligation and fear of disapproval by society. Pacino engages the audience in the ghost scene with the dramatic music and lightning sound effects revealing the consequences of ethnocentricity where the fear of divine retribution is less prominent instead more directed at moral and ethical issues such as the Clinton scandals in 21st century America. Moreover, the appropriation of the Tower of London being the location for the murder reinforces the fear of societal judgement where the walls symbolise protection from greater society. Pacino powerfully appropriates the contextual ideas of the Shakespeare’s notions of evil and thirst for power to a postmodern audience through film, capitalising on how one’s moral conscience is quintessential in shaping their relations and desires.

Each composer brings intention for their art to a particular medium from the confines of the Globe Theatre or America in the 21st century they both present opportunities and challenges. Pacino’s expertise in contemporary culture and the Elizabethan era allows him to effectively transcend the confines of the Shakespearean context and manipulate the text in a way to fit the postmodern audience allowing for a genuine appreciation for the great works of Shakespeare.

Essay with comments
Spoiler
“Composers may share similar concerns, but their contexts and values determine how these concerns are conveyed.

Discuss this above statement with close reference to the prescribed texts studies in the elective texts.

As society progresses the presence of Shakespeare diminishes as individuals are distanced from his profound works and become entrapped in pop culture, reinforcing the notion that his works are beyond comprehension of the modern demographic. I sort of get what you're trying to say, but I think there is a much better way of saying it. I also think that, for the first sentence of an essay, it could be a lot stronger. Similarly, I think the intro sentence needs to pointedly answer the questions, ideally using the words of the question. You don't need to mention your actual texts in your first sentence; rather, broadly describe your thesis in a sophisticated, comprehensible manner. Are you saying that the differences contexts and values between the time in which a composer writes their piece, and the time at which an audience experiences the work, creates an insurmountable barrier between author and audience? Can this barrier be torn down, or is this inherent in every text? Write out a thesis sentence, and use it here. I also think it is worth reading your sentences out loud; this above would do well with some minor edits/rewording, if you plan to keep it.  William Shakespeare's King Richard III (K3) being textually and linguistically dramatic promotes the stereotype that his works are of a different level of sophistication and difficult for a postmodern audience to understand. So, is the modern audience necessarily less 'sophisticated'? Or is it just that the content of sophistication has changed? Be careful not to insult your English teachers by suggesting they are incapable of understanding Shakespeare's texts! Still, I do have to admit that I agree with your thesis, and think it is very strong. Al Pacino created his docudrama Looking For Richard (LFR) with the pure objective How do you know this? Big claim. of breaking the stereotype and transcending K3’s confines of the Elizabethan context and to introduce the relevance of Shakespeare in modern society. By comparing the transcending values of society; power, divinity and politics, the audience is able to convert the appeal of Elizabethan theatricality to a postmodern cinematic context allowing for an enlightened understanding of the purpose of Shakespeare’s works today.

Bloody fantastic. I totally understand your thesis, and it is a perfectly complex, and at the same time understandable, position to take.
 However, I should understand that position straight away. Rather than 'build up' your thesis in your introduction (ie. Shakespeare is incomprehensible now because... however this obstacle may be surmounted by...) your intro sentence/sentences should clearly explain this to me. This of your texts, not as a means by which to DISCOVER your thesis, but PROOF for your thesis. ie. "This is my answer to the question. The best way for me to prove this is to investigate several works". Still, I think your introduction is strong, but could be much stronger with a few rewrites.


The integrity of human nature whilst innate is susceptible to change due shifting moral values in society. Read your sentences out loud.
 There are several commas necessary in this first sentence; whereever you would pause, when reading out loud, you should put a comma.
Shakespeare effectively integrates the Elizabethan notions of power and manipulation into his theatrical production Richard III to illustrate to the elizabethan audience the corrupting nature of power as a result of the War of the Roses. Shakespeare delves into Richard’s obsession with supremacy through the use of definitive language in his soliloquy “determined to prove a villain” accentuating his audacious stance in achieving ultimate power allowing the audience to understand the inherent malicious intent of his actions. Super long sentence. Break it up, either by making it into two sentences or by introducing commas. Good content though, nice use of contextual analysis. Maybe write a brief half-sentence on what the War of the Roses is? ie. "as a result of the War of the Roses, which led to the ascendancy of Henry VII"

Shakespeare’s portrayal of Richard’s deformity capitalises on the providential notion of determinism and effectively allows the Elizabethan audience to understand how Richard’s body was shaped advance to justify his lacking moral compass. I don't understand the second half o this sentence. Throughout the play the two prominent descriptions of Richard as “deformed” and “monstrous” can be an interpretive pattern where which ? take bodily anomalies as evidence for deeper moral truths. Use more 'technical' language here. Is it dehumanising? Illusory? Indicative? Symbolic? Shakespeare asserts the truth that Richard’s deformation are innate and reveals in the opening soliloquy where Richard describes himself as “rudely stamped” clearly alluding to his body as a manifestation of malevolence rather than a mere disability. Again, your sentences need to be cleaned up. Best advice is to read them outloud, and if you find yourself getting lost or confused, you've gone wrong somewhere. Still, your analysis of quotes is great, your use of quotes is great, and your integration of your analysis is great. By hyperbolising the hierarchical structures of the Elizabethan era, Shakespeare effectively reinforces the damaging ideology of power present in society, illustrating the importance of the relationship between context and its values.   

My comments are mostly contained above. However, here's what it looks like; you've got great analysis, discussion of context etc. but then at the end of the paragraph, you realise you haven't answered the question. At that point, you chuck in the works 'context and values' to hope the marker doesn't notice. They will. Make sure to bring every piece of analysis back to the impact of context on authorship, and the experience of the composer. You have pretty much done this, but you should be reading every sentence and asking yourself 'have I answered the question?'. Even if you're not 100% sure that you have, you should be rewriting it to build your thesis.

Just to confirm, I'm mostly writing things that could be improved, because telling you how amazing you are isn't that helpful. There is plenty to be proud of in this essay; it's genuinely a great piece.


Conversely, Pacino presents the play by appropriating Richard’s innate desire for power into a 20th century context. Brilliant He guides the postmodern audience through a stream of consciousness style docudrama which to an understanding Shakespeare’s works through his use of dramatic techniques such as rapid camera movements to signify tension between a desire for power and one’s sense of morality. That is one loaded sentence. Parts of it don't make sense. Again, you have a tendency towards long winded sentences that wear down a marker. Be careful of that In contemporary society power is defined as political prowess and the ability to manipulate the populace, which alludes to Richard’s machiavellian persona. Nice! Pacino manifests Richard's thirst for power in his dark costuming ultimately assisting the postmodern audience in identifying the inherent malevolence of Richard through the visual appreciation of color in a visual medium appropriate to the context where black denotes a sense of evil and death. Ooft. Hopefully you get the point by now. Rework this into multiple sentences, and try not to use the same words multiple times (ie. Visual) Furthermore the chiaroscuro lighting Nice. Had to look this work up. and Pacino’s role both as actor and director allow the audience to understand the portrayal of Richard’s power and duplicitous nature in a modern context. Pacino’s context of the 21st century contrasts the Shakespearean notion of justice of the Chain of Being with the postmodern ethnocentric context where power is instead limited by one’s moral compass. Pacino symbolises Richard’s autocratic power with the nd impunity in contrast to the fear divine retribution in Elizabethan era. Pacino’s manipulation of textual form effectively captures Shakespeare’s representation of power and translates it into a salient textual medium for the contemporary audience to comprehend. 

Ok, good. It definitely answers the question, although not a HUGE amount of comparison was done. Looks like you're talking about one text, then the other. For all I know, the next paragraph is more of a comparison; if not, it should be, but ideally you'd be actively comparing the texts in EVERY paragraph.

You need to actually analyse the 'docudrama' to a greater extent. Use SPECIFIC visual techniques, quotes, camera angles. Rather than just listing them as you sometimes have above, you need to identify the importance of those specific techniques, and the impression that leaves to the audience. Remember, teachers are looking for techniques, and will probably just tick next to every technique that you include. Include more.



Throughout K3 the audience is conflicted as to how Richard is able to carry out his actions in the Elizabethan context where religious influence dominates conscience of the citizens. Are they? I thought the idea was that a modern audience COULDN'T understand the Elizabethan context, and so see K3 as outside of their comprehension? Or are you talking about an Elizabethan audience? Make this clearer. Conscience first appears with the religious allusions to the 10 Commandments “stealing, swearing and adultery” which signifies that one’s conscience will betray them once they do something less than acceptable Don't like this colloquialism as a result of a fear of divine retribution. The notion of providentialism is raised by the second murderer in the religious allusion “Take the devil in thy mind and believe him not” revealing the overwhelming influence of God that extends to sinners and how they are still troubled by conscience. More specific analysis please! The hesitancy exhibited by both murderers emphasises the complicit nature of Richard as one who will exploit the moral weakness of others in order to acquire his desires akin to that of a machiavellian villain. The theocentric context of the Elizabethan era implies providentialism is inescapable enforced through Margret’s religious symbolism “All may be well but if God sort it so” which capitalises upon the omnipotent nature of God. Ultimately the human conscience is explicitly displayed in K3 allowing the audience to understand the effect of religion on one’s actions and conscience in a theocentric society and the futility of attempting to escape the wrath of the divine.           


Similarly, Pacino establishes the effects of the human conscience on one’s actions by contrasting divine retribution with the moral and ethical obligations of the secular modern day. As society gravitates towards ethnocentrism the previously omnipotent presence of God is appropriated by Pacino into a self centered ethical obligation and fear of disapproval by society. Hell. Yeah. This is comparison I've been looking for. Pacino engages the audience in the ghost scene with the dramatic music and lightning sound effects revealing the consequences of ethnocentricity where the fear of divine retribution is less prominent instead more directed at moral and ethical issues such as the Clinton scandals in 21st century America. Moreover, the appropriation of the Tower of London being the location for the murder reinforces the fear of societal judgement where the walls symbolise protection from greater society. Pacino powerfully appropriates the contextual ideas of the Shakespeare’s notions of evil and thirst for power to a postmodern audience through film, capitalising on how one’s moral conscience is quintessential in shaping their relations and desires.

Each composer brings intention for their art to a particular medium from the confines of the Globe Theatre or America in the 21st century they both present opportunities and challenges. Rework. Pacino’s expertise in contemporary culture and the Elizabethan era allows him to effectively transcend the confines of the Shakespearean context and manipulate the text in a way to fit the postmodern audience allowing for a genuine appreciation for the great works of Shakespeare.

Overall, this is great. I think with a bit of work, or even just thought, you could improve it a lot. The thesis you discuss in the very first sentence, and the very last, don't really come through in your essay. A thesis does come through; the IMPORTANCE of context to textual analysis. However, the thesis you've posited (ie. the difficulty of a given audience to adequately understand the context other than their own) is definitely left by the wayside. Up to you how you want to approach this. All up, a great essay. Could probably use a bit more technique analysis, particularly in the visual text. Still, be proud, and feel ready for your upcoming exams. Congratulations :)
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vmukund17

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1218 on: August 10, 2017, 12:46:48 pm »
Hi,

Appreciate it if you could give me some feedback on my Module A essay. Cheers.


Opengangs

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1219 on: August 16, 2017, 02:03:35 pm »
Hello,
I have to write a speech for Module C, and would like some feedback on the first half of my speech.
Max time: 5 minutes, so ~700 words was my teacher's suggestion and 10-15 techniques.

Question: How have various representations of people and politics led us to a greater awareness of the complexity of human attitudes and behaviours? Make detailed reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE other.

Prescribed: King Henry IV, Part 1; related: Il Principe (The Prince)

Speech:
If there is one thing I learned with politicians, it’s this: all politicians lie; but the extent of these lies reflects on their representations of what is the universal truth. It’s not fabrication or falsification that they employ to the audience, but rather, the motives and thoughts that politicians pursue. This is no different to the tale of King Henry IV, who employs a Machiavellian perspective to his audience. Shakespeare’s characterisation of Henry creates a universal idea behind the represented perspective Shakespeare reveals of the Elizabethan era. Much like Shakespeare, Niccolo Machiavelli explores the fabrication of truth through the development of his Machiavellian prince in his treatise, Il Principe. The way a prince establishes power is portrayed through the way they react with other people, as outlined in Il Principe. Above all, the stark differences in character between Hal and the abstract Machiavellian archetype will ultimately fertilise the growth and understanding of these motivations and desire for power in both worlds.

When we talk about representing ideas and motives behind one’s action, we often associate them with their role and power within a society. To further this point, one’s action may not necessarily reflect their true motivations, but through desires of power and lust. Prince Hal’s desire for power works much like a high-level Machiavel, in that they both desire power in selfishness. Consider his soliloquy in Act 1, Scene 2. The imagery and metaphor of the “sun” reveals an inner morality and motivation behind the actions, similar to that of a Machiavellian prince. This is explored through Machiavelli’s proclamation of the vices in his treatise, characterised by “duplicitous and cunning employment in statecraft”. Furthermore, the extended wordplay Hal incorporates throughout the soliloquy exemplifies this notion behind intelligence and manipulative desires. In effect, Shakespeare’s characterisation of Hal as both, respected within the tavern world and feared, as Hal is explored in the sequential play, Henry V, is a critical acclamation to the Machiavellian advice on how a prince should behave. Machiavelli’s emphasis on the prudence of fear is invaluable to the integrity of a prince, such as Hal’s, and insists that a prince “should like to be both one and the other”. Thus, it is difficult to present one’s ideas and motives purely behind their actions. Political ideologies and psychological factors contribute to some of these Machiavellianism in the hedonistic realm of Henry IV, and this idea of hedonism is apparent throughout the Elizabethan milieu.

Words: 405 (a bit long?)

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1220 on: August 19, 2017, 01:33:15 pm »
Hello,
I have to write a speech for Module C, and would like some feedback on the first half of my speech.
Max time: 5 minutes, so ~700 words was my teacher's suggestion and 10-15 techniques.

Hey Opengangs! Sure thing, would be happy to give you some feedback ;D

Spoiler

Question: How have various representations of people and politics led us to a greater awareness of the complexity of human attitudes and behaviours? Make detailed reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE other.


If there is one thing I learned with politicians, it’s this: all politicians lie; but the extent of these lies reflects on their representations of what is the universal truth. I like the way you've chosen to start, it demands attention nicely. Good job there. Watch expression, the end is a little messy, and it should be "thing I'VE learned." It’s not fabrication or falsification that they employ to the audience, but rather, the motives and thoughts that politicians pursue. Not 100% clear what you mean here. This is no different to the tale of King Henry IV, who employs a Machiavellian perspective to his audience. Word choice isn't quite right there, I'd say 'presents' a Machiavellian perspective, or something similar. Shakespeare’s characterisation of Henry creates a universal idea behind the represented perspective Shakespeare reveals of the Elizabethan era. A little vague, what exactly is Shakespeare trying to say about the Elizabethan Era? Much like Shakespeare, Niccolo Machiavelli explores the fabrication of truth through the development of his Machiavellian prince in his treatise, Il Principe. The way a prince establishes power is portrayed through the way they react with other people, as outlined in Il Principe. This introduction to your related is better, there is more clarity here. Above all, the stark differences in character between Hal and the abstract Machiavellian archetype will ultimately fertilise the growth and understanding of these motivations and desire for power in both worlds. Nice finish, though I'd like you to link it back to the audience a little bit more, and also focus a bit more on techniques, since this is a module on representation.

When we talk about representing ideas and motives behind one’s action, we often associate them with their role and power within a society. To further this point, one’s action may not necessarily reflect their true motivations, but through desires of power and lust. Nice concept, though you could probably blend these two sentences into one if you are short on space. Prince Hal’s desire for power works much like a high-level Machiavel, in that they both desire power in selfishness. Be careful, you are describing a character. This is retell. Consider his soliloquy in Act 1, Scene 2. The imagery and metaphor of the “sun” reveals an inner morality and motivation behind the actions, similar to that of a Machiavellian prince. Good, nice link to the Machiavellian aspect. This is explored through Machiavelli’s proclamation of the vices in his treatise, characterised by “duplicitous and cunning employment in statecraft”. Technique for this quote? Furthermore, the extended wordplay Hal incorporates throughout the soliloquy exemplifies this notion behind intelligence and manipulative desires. Make sure your links to your original topic (as stated in your first sentence of the paragraph) are obvious. In effect, Shakespeare’s characterisation of Hal as both, respected within the tavern world and feared, as Hal is explored in the sequential play, Henry V, is a critical acclamation to the Machiavellian advice on how a prince should behave. Expression there is quite messy, I'd wager that would be hard to follow when spoken. Be carful! Machiavelli’s emphasis on the prudence of fear is invaluable to the integrity of a prince, such as Hal’s, and insists that a prince “should like to be both one and the other”. Technique? Thus, it is difficult to present one’s ideas and motives purely behind their actions. Political ideologies and psychological factors contribute to some of these Machiavellianism in the hedonistic realm of Henry IV, and this idea of hedonism is apparent throughout the Elizabethan milieu.

I think the ideas here are excellent, they link to the question and there is some good analysis appearing as well. You've only got one quote+technique in that paragraph that I can see, the imagery/metaphor at the start. You've implied techniques elsewhere, but in a representation module, techniques are absolutely crucial. They need to drive your response. 15 techniques is definitely great to aim for :)

Besides this, the other big point I'd raise is expression - Remember this will be spoken aloud to an audience of your peers. Keep sentences short, word choices simple (speaking to your audience means considering how best to communicate ideas they can understand) and ensure everything flows logically and smoothly. You've got a great vocabulary and you can clearly put together very sophisticated sentences, but overkill isn't always the best approach for a task like this ;D

Comments throughout should cover the rest, nice job! ;D

Wales

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1221 on: August 23, 2017, 02:50:02 pm »
Hey!

I've come by again to seek in-depth feedback on my Mod C essay for Brave New World. I've just received my trial back and received 10/20 for Mod C. I went in thinking it was my best Module but clearly not. Would someone be able to take a look at my essay and provide feedback? A estimated mark would also be great and would allow me to judge it clearer :)

Cheers, Wales

All representations are acts of manipulation.
To what extent does your study of people and politics support this statement? In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary societies. Composers of such texts utlise the conflicting human ethics of a dystopic society with the goal of exposing the disturbing actions politicians take in order to achieve total control, ultimately a form of manipulation. Aldous Huxley’s futuristic dystopia Brave New World cleverly illustrates the notions of dehumanisation, inculcation and totalitarianism as a product of an oppressive, manipulative bureaucracy. Correlatively, Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016) represents the relationship between technological advancements and modern political agendas of manipulation. Both texts explore the effect of technology on the relationship between people and politics, exercising the themes of power and manipulation to create a totalitarian and dystopic society where individuals are manipulated to have their intrinsic autonomy stripped.
Politicians endeavour to deprive the intrinsic individuality of the citizens in order to create a conformist state ultimately manipulating the citizens to satisfy their insatiable lust for power. Huxley exaggerates the impact of a society founded on consumerism with the religious parody “sign of the T” as a divine representation of the nihilistic nature of humanity, accentuating the government's desire to manipulate the citizens to fit their political agenda of total control. Huxley appeals to the audience by challenging the ethos of the 1930’s through the complete inversion of values epitomised in the hypnopaedic and conditioning process which represents the political agenda of manipulation with the ned objective of a conformist state. Furthermore, the intellectual conformity characterised by the high modal phrase “I’m really awfully glad I’m not a beta” represents the diminishing autonomous nature of children as a result of creating an atmosphere that exemplifies the world states idealistic visions of autocratic rule and to manipulate society into a consumerist regime where a loss of individuality is imminent. Similarly, Huxley’s satire on the production line is a metaphorical representation of the consumerist ideals of the world state, alluding to the dystopic connotations of societal oppression with the systematic nature of the production line further emphasising the notion that all representations representations of capitalist consumerist ideals are forms of manipulation. Huxley deceptively represents the world’s states ethos with the italicised text “ but these suggestions are our suggestions” which emphasises the assertive nature of the leaders and implies their underlying motives of manipulation with the use of collective nouns. By hyperbolising the consumerist ideals in a technocratic paradigm of the world state, Huxley represents the power of human conditioning in limiting intellectual freedoms as a mere facet by which the world state leaders manipulate their citizens and illustrates the powerlessness of the people.
 
Snowden captures the manipulative nature of the phantasmic political ideology of security and dramatises it in order to demonstrate the abuse of power in politics, evoking a conscientious understanding of the ineffectual positions of citizens. Stone represents the manipulative intent of the government through the extreme closeup of the CIA director telling Edward “ your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend” which portrays an abuse of power and invasion of privacy by prying into the personal lives of a citizens. It contradicts the human right to be secure and hence promotes the government's manipulative abuse of their autocratic power in order to construct a conformist society. The subsequent low light closeup Edward’s conflicted expression alludes to the intrinsic innocence of Edward and reinforces the manipulative political agenda of the state as a consequence of the desire for total control. Stone capitalises upon the innocence of the citizens with the intent to represent and expose the calculative nature of politics with the dialogue “ which people? The whole kingdom snow white”. The intertextual reference and closeup of Edwards conflicted expression reinforces the supremacy of the state illusory promotion of security as a service to the people. Stone appeals to the ethos of the 21st century by meticulously exposing the duplicitous dichotomy of national security and privacy which inherently promotes the idea that all political motives are forms of manipulation.
Politicians utilise the subtle manipulation of wider society to achieve perceived unity and happiness in order to reach political domination. Huxley opposes the traditional approach to manipulation with the exploitation of the citizens happiness and subverting the connatural structure of human life with scientific means. This evident in the Bokanovsky process leaving the citizens in a vulnerable position whereby the state is able to manipulate the capitalist consumerist ideology of ignorance to attain control over the citizens. Huxley represents this further through the hypnopaedic phrase “ a gramme is better than a damn” furthering the consumerist idea of gratification as a prerequisite to happiness. By inculcating these ideologies into the citizens, Huxley effectively represents how the ultimate goal of politics is manipulation and control. Similarly in Snowden the US Government is shown to meticulously manipulate the ideology of ignorance illustrated through the extreme closeup of Edwards distraught expression during the dialogue “ what’s keeping you safe is that you don’t know anything” where the hesitant facial expression represents Edward’s powerless position as a result of the government desire to manipulate the ignorance of the populace in order to attain political dominance. Further displays of the government dogmas of manipulation appear in the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “ Big brother is watching you” which exemplifies the sensationalist nature of journalism and inherently suggests the manipulative disposition of modern political agendas. The intertextual allusion to 1984 contrasts the Orwellian approach to manipulation with the dystopic notion of power in a modern society. Stone successfully reiterates this notion through his low angle shots of Edward conversing with his superiors which signify state of powerlessness of citizens and the extent to which the government has manipulated its citizens to. By understanding the evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to manipulation of ignorance against Stones technological crisis, the audience is able to understand the manipulative nature of bureaucracies.

As composers are inevitably influenced by their social and political contexts, the representation of the relationship between people and politics is inherently subjective. Both the Stone and Huxleyan representations manipulation are ultimately alluding to the dark thematics of a dystopic society where a lack of autonomous desire of the citizens is manipulated in order to align with the modern political agenda of domination and control.
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carolinewang206

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1222 on: August 23, 2017, 04:03:16 pm »
Hey there, would really appreciate some feedback on my Mod C essay, one teacher who was a HSC marker said it was definitely a high A, and I got 20/20 for a similar essay in trials but i got 15/20 for it.

Edit: So i know where I am sitting at, could you give a rough mark estimation?
 
Thanks
« Last Edit: August 23, 2017, 04:07:08 pm by carolinewang206 »

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1223 on: August 25, 2017, 06:49:40 pm »
HI whoever is marking mine :)

This is just the intro and 1st paragraph to my speech that is based off "module b critical study" type of thing :)
the question or "statement" we must answer is "The significance of a text lies in its enduring power to move readers in different ways".
We were told to include all of these additional features in our poem :)
Textual Integrity
Critical Theory
Context
Perspective
Personal aspect (pronoun etc...)

I'm having trouble with making this sound more like a speech...It sounds a little too much like an essay at the moment



It is the most notable of texts that transcend contextual barriers and posses the transformative ability to renew perceptions. Harwood’s poetry does exactly that. Her poetry captures the essences of human emotion and experience and imbues them with further significance by the literary techniques that typify her poetry as the language of art.
Profoundly, Harwood’s “The violets” distinctively foregrounds the multifaceted complexity of the human experience, through an insightful exploration into universal thematic concerns that invites the audience to vicariously espouse reshaped perspectives and provide permanence to these transient elements of humanity through language.


The relationship between individuals and nature allows one to transcend their menial existence and delay thoughts of inevitable mortality. Underpinned by Christian influences on Harwood’s work, The Violets, in my view is a metaphysical exploration of the existential concerns of Harwood at the time. Fleeting moments of rhyme interrupt the free verse, cyclic nature of the poem in order to “jolt” the reader from one state to another, intentionally grating in contrast to the fluidity of the rest of the piece. The anthropomorphised “frail, melancholy flowers” which grow out of pain and loss, symbolised by the “ashes and loam” is enhanced through Lawson’s assertion that the “poem is of both loss and grief”. This notion that all life, including both nature and humanity, inevitably faces degradation is highlighted when this present-tense description of the violets, a Romantic tenant, is contrasted with the past-tense vivacious memories of the persona. We can see that Harwood vicariously combines this contrast with the frequent enjambment within the persona’s memories in order to continue the persona’s stream of consciousness ….(i need to add something here i'm not too sure what)
This enjambement also allows Harwood’s existential questioning to work as the whole piece flows without interruption, allowing us as the audience to follow this and thus transfer the philosophical questioning to our own lives. Serving as foil to this is the description of a ‘fearful half-sleep of a hot afternoon’ to represent the existential morass of Harwood, who feels that she had been in a state of submissive tranquillity, as indicated by the ‘half-sleep’ up until this epiphany. The events of this poem occur ‘towards nightfall’ as indicated by the first line of the poem which foregrounds the state of day in which the poem occurs. Harwood commonly uses the latter part of day throughout her poems, to emphasise the persona’s thoughts on inevitable mortality and implores the reader to reshape their own perspectives on the nullity of death and the void which it embodies.
HSC 2018: English Advanced | Math Ext 1 | Studies of Religion I | Economics | Legal | Modern History

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1224 on: August 26, 2017, 12:24:50 am »
Hey!

I've come by again to seek in-depth feedback on my Mod C essay for Brave New World. I've just received my trial back and received 10/20 for Mod C. I went in thinking it was my best Module but clearly not. Would someone be able to take a look at my essay and provide feedback? A estimated mark would also be great and would allow me to judge it clearer :)

Cheers, Wales

Spoiler
All representations are acts of manipulation.
To what extent does your study of people and politics support this statement? In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.


Dystopian texts are an hyperbolic representation of the state of political affairs in contemporary societies. Nice intro - Succinct, ties to the module but not directly, leaves room for amplification. Composers of such texts utilise the conflicting human ethics of a dystopic society with the goal of exposing the disturbing actions politicians take in order to achieve total control, ultimately a form of manipulation. While this ties to the question, it isn't explained in the best way. It FEELS tacked on, if that makes sense, as if you've added a phrase to a prepared sentence. Aldous Huxley’s futuristic dystopia Brave New World cleverly illustrates the notions of dehumanisation, inculcation and totalitarianism as a product of an oppressive, manipulative bureaucracy. Correlatively, Oliver Stone’s biographical political thriller Snowden (2016) represents the relationship between technological advancements and modern political agendas of manipulation. Nice introductions of text, and nice ties to manipulation, but the core of this question is how composers manipulate THEIR AUDIENCES. Linking manipulation to the themes of the text isn't quite hitting the point of the question, unless you somehow bring representation into the political ideas as well. Both texts explore the effect of technology on the relationship between people and politics, exercising the themes of power and manipulation to create a totalitarian and dystopic society where individuals are manipulated to have their intrinsic autonomy stripped. Overall, a solid introduction, but it hasn't responded to the question in the most effective way. It's the representation-manipulation link that you haven't established.

Politicians endeavour to deprive the intrinsic individuality of the citizens in order to create a conformist state ultimately manipulating the citizens to satisfy their insatiable lust for power. Good introduction of theme - Be sure to contextualise this in terms of your composers/texts before you start analysing, you are going straight into analysis and it feels a bit like you haven't explained WHY this text is being analysed for this theme, if that makes sense. Huxley exaggerates the impact of a society founded on consumerism with the religious parody “sign of the T” as a divine representation of the nihilistic nature of humanity, accentuating the government's desire to manipulate the citizens to fit their political agenda of total control. Good. Huxley appeals to the audience by challenging the ethos of the 1930’s through the complete inversion of values epitomised in the hypnopaedic and conditioning process which represents the political agenda of manipulation with the ned objective of a conformist state. Expression isn't quite right there, make sure you break up these longer thoughts with commas. Furthermore, the intellectual conformity characterised by the high modal phrase “I’m really awfully glad I’m not a beta” represents the diminishing autonomous nature of children as a result of creating an atmosphere that exemplifies the world states idealistic visions of autocratic rule and to manipulate society into a consumerist regime where a loss of individuality is imminent. Ditto here, I'm working quite hard to group your ideas into sections to decipher them correctly. A HSC marker may not put as much effort in! Similarly, Huxley’s satire on the production line is a metaphorical representation of the consumerist ideals of the world state, alluding to the dystopic connotations of societal oppression with the systematic nature of the production line further emphasising the notion that all representations representations of capitalist consumerist ideals are forms of manipulation. Quote here? Try not to reference plot points, you need specific techniques and compositional choices Huxley has made and how he uses them to manipulate the view of the audience. Huxley deceptively represents the world’s states ethos with the italicised text “ but these suggestions are our suggestions” which emphasises the assertive nature of the leaders and implies their underlying motives of manipulation with the use of collective nouns. By hyperbolising the consumerist ideals in a technocratic paradigm of the world state, Huxley represents the power of human conditioning in limiting intellectual freedoms as a mere facet by which the world state leaders manipulate their citizens and illustrates the powerlessness of the people. You've addressed the concept you've raised well and given some strong analysis. Watch your expression - But the main issue is that this isn't responding in the way the question intended. It's tough because what you are doing is excellent conceptually, but it just isn't hitting the representation aspect as hard as it needs to be.
 
Snowden captures the manipulative nature of the phantasmic political ideology of security and dramatises it in order to demonstrate the abuse of power in politics, evoking a conscientious understanding of the ineffectual positions of citizens. Nice introduction! I think having the specific text included with the theme actually lets you focus on representation more effectively. Stone represents the manipulative intent of the government through the extreme closeup of the CIA director telling Edward “ your girlfriend isn’t sleeping with that photographer friend” which portrays an abuse of power and invasion of privacy by prying into the personal lives of a citizens. Good. It contradicts the human right to be secure and hence promotes the government's manipulative abuse of their autocratic power in order to construct a conformist society. The subsequent low light closeup Edward’s conflicted expression alludes to the intrinsic innocence of Edward and reinforces the manipulative political agenda of the state as a consequence of the desire for total control. Ensure you are focusing on the impact on audience generally, not what we learn about characters. Good analysis though! Very clear. Stone capitalises upon the innocence of the citizens with the intent to represent and expose the calculative nature of politics with the dialogue “ which people? The whole kingdom snow white”. You can't really capitalise on the innocence of citizens when you have created the world space, make their innocence more of a deliberate compositional choice from the start. The intertextual reference and closeup of Edwards conflicted expression reinforces the supremacy of the state illusory promotion of security as a service to the people. Stone appeals to the ethos of the 21st century by meticulously exposing the duplicitous dichotomy of national security and privacy which inherently promotes the idea that all political motives are forms of manipulation. Why does this appeal to the 21st century audience, any specific contextual cues? Good paragraph, expression is better here, though the analysis perhaps not quite as strong.

Politicians utilise the subtle manipulation of wider society to achieve perceived unity and happiness in order to reach political domination. Great concept - Again, not quite the way the question is demanding, but broadly an excellent concept. Huxley opposes the traditional approach to manipulation with the exploitation of the citizens happiness and subverting the connatural structure of human life with scientific means. What IS the traditional approach, how is he opposing it? Seems just a tad vague here. This evident in the Bokanovsky process leaving the citizens in a vulnerable position whereby the state is able to manipulate the capitalist consumerist ideology of ignorance to attain control over the citizens. I know it is tempting, but don't just use the process here, that is a plot element! I know you go into it more next but the focus needs to be on the techniques and compositional choices first and foremost. Huxley represents this further through the hypnopaedic phrase “ a gramme is better than a damn” furthering the consumerist idea of gratification as a prerequisite to happiness. What is the technique here? By inculcating these ideologies into the citizens, Huxley effectively represents how the ultimate goal of politics is manipulation and control. HOW was this shown to the audience? This statement doesn't add a lot in isolation. Similarly in Snowden the US Government is shown to meticulously manipulate the ideology of ignorance illustrated through the extreme closeup of Edwards distraught expression during the dialogue “ what’s keeping you safe is that you don’t know anything” where the hesitant facial expression represents Edward’s powerless position as a result of the government desire to manipulate the ignorance of the populace in order to attain political dominance. This is another reason to establish a link between your themes and text - You've not primed the audience to expect BOTH texts in this paragraph! Not necessarily a bad thing to have swapped structures but try and give a better indicator - Of course, it would be better to maintain the 1-2-1-2 thing you did earlier. Further displays of the government dogmas of manipulation appear in the cameo appearance of Obama juxtaposed with the political satire poster “ Big brother is watching you” which exemplifies the sensationalist nature of journalism and inherently suggests the manipulative disposition of modern political agendas. Good. The intertextual allusion to 1984 contrasts the Orwellian approach to manipulation with the dystopic notion of power in a modern society. Stone successfully reiterates this notion through his low angle shots of Edward conversing with his superiors which signify state of powerlessness of citizens and the extent to which the government has manipulated its citizens to. Nice analysis of the text here, focusing on how an image has been crafted, and the language is simple. More reference to how the audiences perspective has altered (been MANIPULATED) would be beneficial! By understanding the evocative mediums of representation and contrasting the Huxleyan approach to manipulation of ignorance against Stones technological crisis, the audience is able to understand the manipulative nature of bureaucracies.

As composers are inevitably influenced by their social and political contexts, the representation of the relationship between people and politics is inherently subjective. Both the Stone and Huxleyan representations manipulation are ultimately alluding to the dark thematics of a dystopic society where a lack of autonomous desire of the citizens is manipulated in order to align with the modern political agenda of domination and control. Slight expression issue there - This is a short conclusion, you MIGHT want to beef it up a little! :)

I think this is a case of a great essay written for the wrong question - The idea of representation equals manipulation hasn't quite been explored properly. The question was asking you to explore how a composer uses their representation of politics to manipulate the audiences political views. You approached it as manipulation in the political themes of the text itself, which isn't necessarily what the question had in mind. This limits the effectiveness of otherwise excellent analysis of concepts ;D

Really my comments throughout cover the rest. A few places where expression needs to be tidied, a few places that need a technique or a more explicit reference to the audience, just to relate to this idea of representation more deliberately. Remember, it's all about what the composer does and why they do it, you can afford to be more "text focused" in Module C essays (not plot/character focused, know the difference!). However, you are definitely writing an effective essay! As I said, it is the misinterpretation of the question where most of the issues come from :)

I'd put this roughly where your Trials put it, perhaps a tad higher if I were marking it. If it had been a different question I reckon the mark would have been higher :)

elysepopplewell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1225 on: August 26, 2017, 06:32:43 pm »
Hey there, would really appreciate some feedback on my Mod C essay, one teacher who was a HSC marker said it was definitely a high A, and I got 20/20 for a similar essay in trials but i got 15/20 for it.

Edit: So i know where I am sitting at, could you give a rough mark estimation?
 
Thanks
Hey Caroline :) I'll take a look at this for you! Sounds like a great essay just from the marks - I'm curious about what the feedback was from your trials - were the 5 marks you lost from the adaptation to the question?

Spoiler
‘Representations are a product of political purpose’

Personal and political agendas direct authorial representation of historical events to imprint their own perception upon the audience. In Henry Reynolds’ non-fiction memoir, Why Weren’t We Told? (WWWT?), he replicates his own emotive experience of race relations in Australia to project his political opinions onto the audience. Deliberate omission and emphasis of evidence is also skilfully adopted in the politically satirical film V for Vendetta (Vendetta) directed by James McTeigue. I'm being super picky with this, but do you mean to say there is an occasional omission of evidence? If not, you should use an oxford comma after "omission" to clarify, I think. But I am being picky! Additionally, George Orwell’s imperial novel Burmese Days forges a connection between the audience and composer, much like Reynolds, permitting the impress of authorial political agendas. Nice! Never verbose, always clear - answering the question!

The deliberate selection and emphasis of evidence specific to the composer’s political agenda allows the promotion their authorial purpose under the guise of an informative or entertainment medium. WWWT, a piece of non-fiction with a table of contents and index ironically does not properly evidence its sources and in some cases, name their composers. This is evident in Reynolds’ reference to an ‘old ethnographer’s’ 1971 letter “Everyone who has the interests of our country at heart… should oppose mongrelists.” This purposeful compositional choice provides no alternative perspective, regulating the readership’s capacity to autonomously draw conclusions and opinions. OUTSTANDING sentence! Furthermore, Reynolds refrains from evidencing any positive events of race relations, such as interracial marriages or indigenous suffrage positioning the audience to view race relations as distinct racial factions. As such, Reynolds only offers evidence that explicitly supports his political agenda of racial activism. I think you've linked really academically to the question.

Whilst both Orwell and Reynolds adopt the native terminology  to incite activism, Reynolds uses “Murris” and “Migloo” to exacerbate racial stratification, whereas Orwell ironically adopts the Burmese term “Burra Memsahib” (an attribution of status to British women), when describing Elizabeth to accentuate her antagonism. I'd split this sentence after "to incite activism" because it is quite long, and when you use brackets you add another layer of thought to the reader, so it is easy to get lost along the way. Also, I think that you could clarify the place where politics sits here - I have no doubt you'll do it wonderfully because your writing is so impressive throughout. Something like, "native terminology to incite activism on a political level" or "to incite activism as an element of the political experience of the text." or something like this. Furthermore, Orwell critiques native discrimination through the satirical narration “It is so important...not to entangle oneself in 'native' quarrels…Even to know the rights and wrongs of a 'native' quarrel is a loss of prestige.”. Meiosis of quarrels in lieu of ‘conflict’ embodies Orwell’s critique of the imperialist devaluation of the native population. Additionally, the verb choice of ‘entangle’ depicts the native Burmese as parasitical, mirroring European racism Could you say something else here about the European racism - is it established in other parts of the novel? Perhaps, "Mirroring the European racism that permeates the lens of the novel." Or, "As established through the Eurocentric gaze of the novel". Orwell further critiques the superficial nature of imperial politics by focalising issues of physical appearance through Elizabeth’s alienation of Flory due to his birthmark “But worse than that, worse than anything, was his ugliness at this moment. Only the birthmark seemed alive in it. She hated him now for his birthmark.” Repetition of ‘birthmark’ emphasises its permeation of the protagonist, Flory’s identity like racial pervasion of classist divides. Replacing ‘Flory’ and ‘Elizabeth’ with gendered pronouns emphasises the universal superficiality of imperialist society.  Consequently, the audience draws a seemingly autonomous political critique of imperialism, self-inducing Orwell’s political agenda of social unification. I'm really impressed by your language. I do think that this paragraph pulls away from the direct question a bit, but it's not irrelevant nor is it waffle. The links just aren't as strong. The idea of racism doesn't read to me as an expression of racism, but more of a tangent that's related but not a branch from the trunk.

Like Reynolds’ Historiographical form, McTeigue embeds non-fiction in Vendetta through the British Television Network(BTN), which crafts its presenter, Lewis Prothero to adopt convoluted vernacular of “neo-demagogues spouting their message of hate, a delusional and aberrant voice” in his report of Evey and V’s ‘terrorism’. By using uncommon vernacular, the BTN morphs the truth into their desired representation, which George Orwell himself explains “Where there is a gap between one’s real and one’s declares aims, one turns, as if were instinctively to long words.”Is this in the novel, or something Orwell has said otherwise? If said otherwise, I'd say "In a later interview..." or something to that effect. McTeigue critiques the media’s use of superfluous terms (both within and outside of the film) to distort truth, though ironically does the same in his hyperbolic depiction of Thatcher as the menacing fascist Chancellor ‘Adam Suttlor’. Contrary to Prothero, V’s speech is consistently in succinct iambic pentameter, evident in the chiasmus “People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.” This syntactical structure conveys both McTeigue and V’s agenda of political subversion and the clear assertion of freedom. Distinct polarisation of the Government and V’s speech emphasises their dichotomous motives, invoking audience investment in V’s plight and by extension, McTeigue’s. By intentionally selecting evidence specific to their political views, composers align the readership with their own perception and in turn political agenda. A much stronger paragraph here.


Composers not only manipulate evidence to enforce their political views, but also use central persona to forge empathetic identification with the audience.  Reynolds’ use of 1st person first person* episodic and narrative form permits a relationship with the readership, depicted through the recount of his dream “For a moment I imagined myself there on the beach with the islanders. I felt that I stood on the other side of the frontier.” Abnormal inclusion of a dream in his historiographical piece conveys his personal and political affiliation with improving race relations and elevates his position as a revisionist historian by differentiating himself from traditional historiography. His memoir is a vehicle to align himself with the indigenous population, emphasising his dedication and encouraging the same activism within the audience.

Like Reynolds’ self-embodiment in his memoir, Orwell embeds himself in the central protagonist, Flory, a European timber merchant in Burma, paralleling his experience as a member of the British Imperial police in Burma. Reallllly great link between texts!Orwell exacerbates racial discrimination in Burma through the notion that “In India you are not judged for what you do, but for what you are.” Antithesis entrenches the racial stratification of Burma and embeds his own critique of imperialism. It is through identification with Flory, that Orwell astutely evokes a political critique aligned with his own. In contrast to Orwell and Reynolds’ self-embodiment in a central persona, in Vendetta, McTeigue emblemises his agenda of political justice through the Guy Fawkes mask. As opposed to embedding his own personal experience, McTeigue metaphorically adopts the mask in the films production to facilitate ideological freedom, inviting audience participation in this plight. Panning close ups of London’s populous unveiling their face under Guy Fawkes masks as parliament explodes to triumphant music mirrors the duality of one’s agenda, which is both political and personal. McTeigue’s specific compositional choice for ‘V’ to remain masked explicates the fusion of his personal and political agendas, much like Reynolds in his choice to write in 1st person first person* and Orwell’s self-embodiment of Flory. By aligning the central personas with their own viewpoint, the composers invoke empathy with the reader, allowing the imprint of their own political views.


Authorial distaste spawns activism within the composer who endows their emotive experience upon the audience, aligning their political viewpoints. WWWT evokes guilt within the audience in the emotive recount of a Palm Island prison, “There was such a disparity between the offence and the punishment, between the locks, reinforced door, bars, thick concrete walls and the thin little girls.” The juxtaposing language of ‘locks’, ‘reinforced’ and ‘thick’ in contrast the description of the ‘thin little girls’; coupled with paraxative enumeration of the setting’s description exacerbate the injustices committed against aboriginal youth. Reynolds’ distinct reference to children manipulates the reader’s sense of morality, aligning them with his political agenda of improving race relations. Similarly, juxtaposition to heighten the audience’s emotional response is also adopted in Vendetta, in the contrast between V’s home, the ‘shadow gallery’ and the government official’s meeting room. The shadow gallery’s warm, soft lighting and melodic music comfort the audience, reflecting V’s moral fidelity; contrastingly, the meeting room is sharp and artificially lighted with minorly toned music, inducing fear in the audience to convey the corrupted intent of the fascist government. Its chiaroscuro lighting illuminates their dichotomous political intent, exacerbating McTeigue’s critique of the Thatcherite government and its extensive social control, cleverly employing the film as a cautionary tale to incite political scepticism. LOVE the way you've talked about chiaroscuro lighting!

Orwell similarly evokes anger in the audience through Flory’s internal monologue “Dull boozing witless porkers! Was it possible that they could go on week after week, year after year, repeating word for word the same evil-minded drivel.” Parallelism of “week after week…word after word” conveys the repetitive social inertia of imperialism. Furthermore, inclusive conduplicatio Ooh! I don't even know what this is! of “us” and “our” in “What a civilization civilisation* (You've got the US spelling ;) ) is this of ours--this godless civilization…God have mercy on us, for all of us are part of it,” induces shame in the readership, encouraging reflection upon the ‘godless’ civilisation present both in the novel and Orwell’s context. Religious allusions to society’s godlessness condemns British Imperialism to political decay in need of reformation, evident in the imperative apostrophe “God have mercy on us”. Orwell skilfully uses Flory as a vehicle to convey the desperation of his political plight for social reformation and evoke this response within the audience. As such, all three composers evoke contrasting emotional responses in the readership to heighten ideological susceptibility and align them with their political purpose.

Through the elicitation of emotions within the readership, conscious selection and omission of evidence, and forging identification with the reader, composers can represent their own construction of reality, and imprint their own values upon the readership. Skewing their perception of events through their distinct textual choices permits the alignment of perception and perpetuates composers’ own political agenda.



Your ideas are very, very well developed. You've used wonderful academic language to embed the ideas, discuss the texts, and find threads between them. As I pointed out, there is a paragraph that isn't as strong as the others - but it has potential to be. At the moment it's like a plant next to the main tree, instead of being a branch. It's relevant, it adds to the scenery, but it's not of the same substance. There's a few tiny little expression errors which I've corrected throughout, but otherwise it's a great essay, and very very hard to fault. I think it's up at a 19, if not a 20. I agree with the original marker. What was the feedback for your trial?
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carolinewang206

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1226 on: August 27, 2017, 02:23:43 pm »
Hey Caroline :) I'll take a look at this for you! Sounds like a great essay just from the marks - I'm curious about what the feedback was from your trials - were the 5 marks you lost from the adaptation to the question?

Spoiler
‘Representations are a product of political purpose’

Personal and political agendas direct authorial representation of historical events to imprint their own perception upon the audience. In Henry Reynolds’ non-fiction memoir, Why Weren’t We Told? (WWWT?), he replicates his own emotive experience of race relations in Australia to project his political opinions onto the audience. Deliberate omission and emphasis of evidence is also skilfully adopted in the politically satirical film V for Vendetta (Vendetta) directed by James McTeigue. I'm being super picky with this, but do you mean to say there is an occasional omission of evidence? If not, you should use an oxford comma after "omission" to clarify, I think. But I am being picky! Additionally, George Orwell’s imperial novel Burmese Days forges a connection between the audience and composer, much like Reynolds, permitting the impress of authorial political agendas. Nice! Never verbose, always clear - answering the question!

The deliberate selection and emphasis of evidence specific to the composer’s political agenda allows the promotion their authorial purpose under the guise of an informative or entertainment medium. WWWT, a piece of non-fiction with a table of contents and index ironically does not properly evidence its sources and in some cases, name their composers. This is evident in Reynolds’ reference to an ‘old ethnographer’s’ 1971 letter “Everyone who has the interests of our country at heart… should oppose mongrelists.” This purposeful compositional choice provides no alternative perspective, regulating the readership’s capacity to autonomously draw conclusions and opinions. OUTSTANDING sentence! Furthermore, Reynolds refrains from evidencing any positive events of race relations, such as interracial marriages or indigenous suffrage positioning the audience to view race relations as distinct racial factions. As such, Reynolds only offers evidence that explicitly supports his political agenda of racial activism. I think you've linked really academically to the question.

Whilst both Orwell and Reynolds adopt the native terminology  to incite activism, Reynolds uses “Murris” and “Migloo” to exacerbate racial stratification, whereas Orwell ironically adopts the Burmese term “Burra Memsahib” (an attribution of status to British women), when describing Elizabeth to accentuate her antagonism. I'd split this sentence after "to incite activism" because it is quite long, and when you use brackets you add another layer of thought to the reader, so it is easy to get lost along the way. Also, I think that you could clarify the place where politics sits here - I have no doubt you'll do it wonderfully because your writing is so impressive throughout. Something like, "native terminology to incite activism on a political level" or "to incite activism as an element of the political experience of the text." or something like this. Furthermore, Orwell critiques native discrimination through the satirical narration “It is so important...not to entangle oneself in 'native' quarrels…Even to know the rights and wrongs of a 'native' quarrel is a loss of prestige.”. Meiosis of quarrels in lieu of ‘conflict’ embodies Orwell’s critique of the imperialist devaluation of the native population. Additionally, the verb choice of ‘entangle’ depicts the native Burmese as parasitical, mirroring European racism Could you say something else here about the European racism - is it established in other parts of the novel? Perhaps, "Mirroring the European racism that permeates the lens of the novel." Or, "As established through the Eurocentric gaze of the novel". Orwell further critiques the superficial nature of imperial politics by focalising issues of physical appearance through Elizabeth’s alienation of Flory due to his birthmark “But worse than that, worse than anything, was his ugliness at this moment. Only the birthmark seemed alive in it. She hated him now for his birthmark.” Repetition of ‘birthmark’ emphasises its permeation of the protagonist, Flory’s identity like racial pervasion of classist divides. Replacing ‘Flory’ and ‘Elizabeth’ with gendered pronouns emphasises the universal superficiality of imperialist society.  Consequently, the audience draws a seemingly autonomous political critique of imperialism, self-inducing Orwell’s political agenda of social unification. I'm really impressed by your language. I do think that this paragraph pulls away from the direct question a bit, but it's not irrelevant nor is it waffle. The links just aren't as strong. The idea of racism doesn't read to me as an expression of racism, but more of a tangent that's related but not a branch from the trunk.

Like Reynolds’ Historiographical form, McTeigue embeds non-fiction in Vendetta through the British Television Network(BTN), which crafts its presenter, Lewis Prothero to adopt convoluted vernacular of “neo-demagogues spouting their message of hate, a delusional and aberrant voice” in his report of Evey and V’s ‘terrorism’. By using uncommon vernacular, the BTN morphs the truth into their desired representation, which George Orwell himself explains “Where there is a gap between one’s real and one’s declares aims, one turns, as if were instinctively to long words.”Is this in the novel, or something Orwell has said otherwise? If said otherwise, I'd say "In a later interview..." or something to that effect. McTeigue critiques the media’s use of superfluous terms (both within and outside of the film) to distort truth, though ironically does the same in his hyperbolic depiction of Thatcher as the menacing fascist Chancellor ‘Adam Suttlor’. Contrary to Prothero, V’s speech is consistently in succinct iambic pentameter, evident in the chiasmus “People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.” This syntactical structure conveys both McTeigue and V’s agenda of political subversion and the clear assertion of freedom. Distinct polarisation of the Government and V’s speech emphasises their dichotomous motives, invoking audience investment in V’s plight and by extension, McTeigue’s. By intentionally selecting evidence specific to their political views, composers align the readership with their own perception and in turn political agenda. A much stronger paragraph here.


Composers not only manipulate evidence to enforce their political views, but also use central persona to forge empathetic identification with the audience.  Reynolds’ use of 1st person first person* episodic and narrative form permits a relationship with the readership, depicted through the recount of his dream “For a moment I imagined myself there on the beach with the islanders. I felt that I stood on the other side of the frontier.” Abnormal inclusion of a dream in his historiographical piece conveys his personal and political affiliation with improving race relations and elevates his position as a revisionist historian by differentiating himself from traditional historiography. His memoir is a vehicle to align himself with the indigenous population, emphasising his dedication and encouraging the same activism within the audience.

Like Reynolds’ self-embodiment in his memoir, Orwell embeds himself in the central protagonist, Flory, a European timber merchant in Burma, paralleling his experience as a member of the British Imperial police in Burma. Reallllly great link between texts!Orwell exacerbates racial discrimination in Burma through the notion that “In India you are not judged for what you do, but for what you are.” Antithesis entrenches the racial stratification of Burma and embeds his own critique of imperialism. It is through identification with Flory, that Orwell astutely evokes a political critique aligned with his own. In contrast to Orwell and Reynolds’ self-embodiment in a central persona, in Vendetta, McTeigue emblemises his agenda of political justice through the Guy Fawkes mask. As opposed to embedding his own personal experience, McTeigue metaphorically adopts the mask in the films production to facilitate ideological freedom, inviting audience participation in this plight. Panning close ups of London’s populous unveiling their face under Guy Fawkes masks as parliament explodes to triumphant music mirrors the duality of one’s agenda, which is both political and personal. McTeigue’s specific compositional choice for ‘V’ to remain masked explicates the fusion of his personal and political agendas, much like Reynolds in his choice to write in 1st person first person* and Orwell’s self-embodiment of Flory. By aligning the central personas with their own viewpoint, the composers invoke empathy with the reader, allowing the imprint of their own political views.


Authorial distaste spawns activism within the composer who endows their emotive experience upon the audience, aligning their political viewpoints. WWWT evokes guilt within the audience in the emotive recount of a Palm Island prison, “There was such a disparity between the offence and the punishment, between the locks, reinforced door, bars, thick concrete walls and the thin little girls.” The juxtaposing language of ‘locks’, ‘reinforced’ and ‘thick’ in contrast the description of the ‘thin little girls’; coupled with paraxative enumeration of the setting’s description exacerbate the injustices committed against aboriginal youth. Reynolds’ distinct reference to children manipulates the reader’s sense of morality, aligning them with his political agenda of improving race relations. Similarly, juxtaposition to heighten the audience’s emotional response is also adopted in Vendetta, in the contrast between V’s home, the ‘shadow gallery’ and the government official’s meeting room. The shadow gallery’s warm, soft lighting and melodic music comfort the audience, reflecting V’s moral fidelity; contrastingly, the meeting room is sharp and artificially lighted with minorly toned music, inducing fear in the audience to convey the corrupted intent of the fascist government. Its chiaroscuro lighting illuminates their dichotomous political intent, exacerbating McTeigue’s critique of the Thatcherite government and its extensive social control, cleverly employing the film as a cautionary tale to incite political scepticism. LOVE the way you've talked about chiaroscuro lighting!

Orwell similarly evokes anger in the audience through Flory’s internal monologue “Dull boozing witless porkers! Was it possible that they could go on week after week, year after year, repeating word for word the same evil-minded drivel.” Parallelism of “week after week…word after word” conveys the repetitive social inertia of imperialism. Furthermore, inclusive conduplicatio Ooh! I don't even know what this is! of “us” and “our” in “What a civilization civilisation* (You've got the US spelling ;) ) is this of ours--this godless civilization…God have mercy on us, for all of us are part of it,” induces shame in the readership, encouraging reflection upon the ‘godless’ civilisation present both in the novel and Orwell’s context. Religious allusions to society’s godlessness condemns British Imperialism to political decay in need of reformation, evident in the imperative apostrophe “God have mercy on us”. Orwell skilfully uses Flory as a vehicle to convey the desperation of his political plight for social reformation and evoke this response within the audience. As such, all three composers evoke contrasting emotional responses in the readership to heighten ideological susceptibility and align them with their political purpose.

Through the elicitation of emotions within the readership, conscious selection and omission of evidence, and forging identification with the reader, composers can represent their own construction of reality, and imprint their own values upon the readership. Skewing their perception of events through their distinct textual choices permits the alignment of perception and perpetuates composers’ own political agenda.



Your ideas are very, very well developed. You've used wonderful academic language to embed the ideas, discuss the texts, and find threads between them. As I pointed out, there is a paragraph that isn't as strong as the others - but it has potential to be. At the moment it's like a plant next to the main tree, instead of being a branch. It's relevant, it adds to the scenery, but it's not of the same substance. There's a few tiny little expression errors which I've corrected throughout, but otherwise it's a great essay, and very very hard to fault. I think it's up at a 19, if not a 20. I agree with the original marker. What was the feedback for your trial?
Hey Caroline :) I'll take a look at this for you! Sounds like a great essay just from the marks - I'm curious about what the feedback was from your trials - were the 5 marks you lost from the adaptation to the question?

Spoiler
‘Representations are a product of political purpose’

Personal and political agendas direct authorial representation of historical events to imprint their own perception upon the audience. In Henry Reynolds’ non-fiction memoir, Why Weren’t We Told? (WWWT?), he replicates his own emotive experience of race relations in Australia to project his political opinions onto the audience. Deliberate omission and emphasis of evidence is also skilfully adopted in the politically satirical film V for Vendetta (Vendetta) directed by James McTeigue. I'm being super picky with this, but do you mean to say there is an occasional omission of evidence? If not, you should use an oxford comma after "omission" to clarify, I think. But I am being picky! Additionally, George Orwell’s imperial novel Burmese Days forges a connection between the audience and composer, much like Reynolds, permitting the impress of authorial political agendas. Nice! Never verbose, always clear - answering the question!

The deliberate selection and emphasis of evidence specific to the composer’s political agenda allows the promotion their authorial purpose under the guise of an informative or entertainment medium. WWWT, a piece of non-fiction with a table of contents and index ironically does not properly evidence its sources and in some cases, name their composers. This is evident in Reynolds’ reference to an ‘old ethnographer’s’ 1971 letter “Everyone who has the interests of our country at heart… should oppose mongrelists.” This purposeful compositional choice provides no alternative perspective, regulating the readership’s capacity to autonomously draw conclusions and opinions. OUTSTANDING sentence! Furthermore, Reynolds refrains from evidencing any positive events of race relations, such as interracial marriages or indigenous suffrage positioning the audience to view race relations as distinct racial factions. As such, Reynolds only offers evidence that explicitly supports his political agenda of racial activism. I think you've linked really academically to the question.

Whilst both Orwell and Reynolds adopt the native terminology  to incite activism, Reynolds uses “Murris” and “Migloo” to exacerbate racial stratification, whereas Orwell ironically adopts the Burmese term “Burra Memsahib” (an attribution of status to British women), when describing Elizabeth to accentuate her antagonism. I'd split this sentence after "to incite activism" because it is quite long, and when you use brackets you add another layer of thought to the reader, so it is easy to get lost along the way. Also, I think that you could clarify the place where politics sits here - I have no doubt you'll do it wonderfully because your writing is so impressive throughout. Something like, "native terminology to incite activism on a political level" or "to incite activism as an element of the political experience of the text." or something like this. Furthermore, Orwell critiques native discrimination through the satirical narration “It is so important...not to entangle oneself in 'native' quarrels…Even to know the rights and wrongs of a 'native' quarrel is a loss of prestige.”. Meiosis of quarrels in lieu of ‘conflict’ embodies Orwell’s critique of the imperialist devaluation of the native population. Additionally, the verb choice of ‘entangle’ depicts the native Burmese as parasitical, mirroring European racism Could you say something else here about the European racism - is it established in other parts of the novel? Perhaps, "Mirroring the European racism that permeates the lens of the novel." Or, "As established through the Eurocentric gaze of the novel". Orwell further critiques the superficial nature of imperial politics by focalising issues of physical appearance through Elizabeth’s alienation of Flory due to his birthmark “But worse than that, worse than anything, was his ugliness at this moment. Only the birthmark seemed alive in it. She hated him now for his birthmark.” Repetition of ‘birthmark’ emphasises its permeation of the protagonist, Flory’s identity like racial pervasion of classist divides. Replacing ‘Flory’ and ‘Elizabeth’ with gendered pronouns emphasises the universal superficiality of imperialist society.  Consequently, the audience draws a seemingly autonomous political critique of imperialism, self-inducing Orwell’s political agenda of social unification. I'm really impressed by your language. I do think that this paragraph pulls away from the direct question a bit, but it's not irrelevant nor is it waffle. The links just aren't as strong. The idea of racism doesn't read to me as an expression of racism, but more of a tangent that's related but not a branch from the trunk.

Like Reynolds’ Historiographical form, McTeigue embeds non-fiction in Vendetta through the British Television Network(BTN), which crafts its presenter, Lewis Prothero to adopt convoluted vernacular of “neo-demagogues spouting their message of hate, a delusional and aberrant voice” in his report of Evey and V’s ‘terrorism’. By using uncommon vernacular, the BTN morphs the truth into their desired representation, which George Orwell himself explains “Where there is a gap between one’s real and one’s declares aims, one turns, as if were instinctively to long words.”Is this in the novel, or something Orwell has said otherwise? If said otherwise, I'd say "In a later interview..." or something to that effect. McTeigue critiques the media’s use of superfluous terms (both within and outside of the film) to distort truth, though ironically does the same in his hyperbolic depiction of Thatcher as the menacing fascist Chancellor ‘Adam Suttlor’. Contrary to Prothero, V’s speech is consistently in succinct iambic pentameter, evident in the chiasmus “People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.” This syntactical structure conveys both McTeigue and V’s agenda of political subversion and the clear assertion of freedom. Distinct polarisation of the Government and V’s speech emphasises their dichotomous motives, invoking audience investment in V’s plight and by extension, McTeigue’s. By intentionally selecting evidence specific to their political views, composers align the readership with their own perception and in turn political agenda. A much stronger paragraph here.


Composers not only manipulate evidence to enforce their political views, but also use central persona to forge empathetic identification with the audience.  Reynolds’ use of 1st person first person* episodic and narrative form permits a relationship with the readership, depicted through the recount of his dream “For a moment I imagined myself there on the beach with the islanders. I felt that I stood on the other side of the frontier.” Abnormal inclusion of a dream in his historiographical piece conveys his personal and political affiliation with improving race relations and elevates his position as a revisionist historian by differentiating himself from traditional historiography. His memoir is a vehicle to align himself with the indigenous population, emphasising his dedication and encouraging the same activism within the audience.

Like Reynolds’ self-embodiment in his memoir, Orwell embeds himself in the central protagonist, Flory, a European timber merchant in Burma, paralleling his experience as a member of the British Imperial police in Burma. Reallllly great link between texts!Orwell exacerbates racial discrimination in Burma through the notion that “In India you are not judged for what you do, but for what you are.” Antithesis entrenches the racial stratification of Burma and embeds his own critique of imperialism. It is through identification with Flory, that Orwell astutely evokes a political critique aligned with his own. In contrast to Orwell and Reynolds’ self-embodiment in a central persona, in Vendetta, McTeigue emblemises his agenda of political justice through the Guy Fawkes mask. As opposed to embedding his own personal experience, McTeigue metaphorically adopts the mask in the films production to facilitate ideological freedom, inviting audience participation in this plight. Panning close ups of London’s populous unveiling their face under Guy Fawkes masks as parliament explodes to triumphant music mirrors the duality of one’s agenda, which is both political and personal. McTeigue’s specific compositional choice for ‘V’ to remain masked explicates the fusion of his personal and political agendas, much like Reynolds in his choice to write in 1st person first person* and Orwell’s self-embodiment of Flory. By aligning the central personas with their own viewpoint, the composers invoke empathy with the reader, allowing the imprint of their own political views.


Authorial distaste spawns activism within the composer who endows their emotive experience upon the audience, aligning their political viewpoints. WWWT evokes guilt within the audience in the emotive recount of a Palm Island prison, “There was such a disparity between the offence and the punishment, between the locks, reinforced door, bars, thick concrete walls and the thin little girls.” The juxtaposing language of ‘locks’, ‘reinforced’ and ‘thick’ in contrast the description of the ‘thin little girls’; coupled with paraxative enumeration of the setting’s description exacerbate the injustices committed against aboriginal youth. Reynolds’ distinct reference to children manipulates the reader’s sense of morality, aligning them with his political agenda of improving race relations. Similarly, juxtaposition to heighten the audience’s emotional response is also adopted in Vendetta, in the contrast between V’s home, the ‘shadow gallery’ and the government official’s meeting room. The shadow gallery’s warm, soft lighting and melodic music comfort the audience, reflecting V’s moral fidelity; contrastingly, the meeting room is sharp and artificially lighted with minorly toned music, inducing fear in the audience to convey the corrupted intent of the fascist government. Its chiaroscuro lighting illuminates their dichotomous political intent, exacerbating McTeigue’s critique of the Thatcherite government and its extensive social control, cleverly employing the film as a cautionary tale to incite political scepticism. LOVE the way you've talked about chiaroscuro lighting!

Orwell similarly evokes anger in the audience through Flory’s internal monologue “Dull boozing witless porkers! Was it possible that they could go on week after week, year after year, repeating word for word the same evil-minded drivel.” Parallelism of “week after week…word after word” conveys the repetitive social inertia of imperialism. Furthermore, inclusive conduplicatio Ooh! I don't even know what this is! of “us” and “our” in “What a civilization civilisation* (You've got the US spelling ;) ) is this of ours--this godless civilization…God have mercy on us, for all of us are part of it,” induces shame in the readership, encouraging reflection upon the ‘godless’ civilisation present both in the novel and Orwell’s context. Religious allusions to society’s godlessness condemns British Imperialism to political decay in need of reformation, evident in the imperative apostrophe “God have mercy on us”. Orwell skilfully uses Flory as a vehicle to convey the desperation of his political plight for social reformation and evoke this response within the audience. As such, all three composers evoke contrasting emotional responses in the readership to heighten ideological susceptibility and align them with their political purpose.

Through the elicitation of emotions within the readership, conscious selection and omission of evidence, and forging identification with the reader, composers can represent their own construction of reality, and imprint their own values upon the readership. Skewing their perception of events through their distinct textual choices permits the alignment of perception and perpetuates composers’ own political agenda.



Your ideas are very, very well developed. You've used wonderful academic language to embed the ideas, discuss the texts, and find threads between them. As I pointed out, there is a paragraph that isn't as strong as the others - but it has potential to be. At the moment it's like a plant next to the main tree, instead of being a branch. It's relevant, it adds to the scenery, but it's not of the same substance. There's a few tiny little expression errors which I've corrected throughout, but otherwise it's a great essay, and very very hard to fault. I think it's up at a 19, if not a 20. I agree with the original marker. What was the feedback for your trial?

Hey Elyse! Thank you so much! I'll work on making that paragraph more relevant. At trials we only wrote about the prescribed and no ORTs so it was quite easy, it was the same teacher that marked both but my feedback for trials was that it was very well aligned with the idea of representation, cohesive and addressed the question. For this essay (I sent on here exactly what I submitted), the feedback was that my arguments jumped around a lot, that I didn't engage with the texts and my filmic analysis was weak.

The marks people received were odd because no one in the top 10 got above 17/20 and the only people I've spoken to who got 19+wrote theirs the night before, so we're all a bit confused.

elysepopplewell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1227 on: August 27, 2017, 02:36:02 pm »
Hey Elyse! Thank you so much! I'll work on making that paragraph more relevant. At trials we only wrote about the prescribed and no ORTs so it was quite easy, it was the same teacher that marked both but my feedback for trials was that it was very well aligned with the idea of representation, cohesive and addressed the question. For this essay (I sent on here exactly what I submitted), the feedback was that my arguments jumped around a lot, that I didn't engage with the texts and my filmic analysis was weak.

The marks people received were odd because no one in the top 10 got above 17/20 and the only people I've spoken to who got 19+wrote theirs the night before, so we're all a bit confused.

It might work in your favour that you've been given a harsh marking so that you really dig deep to perfect the intricacies of the work. I know teachers were a bit brutal on us during trials so we would keep striving for more - and it really paid off. So even with the feedback about the film analysis and the cohesion of the arguments, you can work on tightening it even more. So even if its a 20/20, make it a 21/20 - just so that there can be no doubt about you deserving those highest marks. It might just be in the mindset, but this is the way I approached things after trials and I found it really worked :)
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carolinewang206

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1228 on: August 27, 2017, 02:51:44 pm »
It might work in your favour that you've been given a harsh marking so that you really dig deep to perfect the intricacies of the work. I know teachers were a bit brutal on us during trials so we would keep striving for more - and it really paid off. So even with the feedback about the film analysis and the cohesion of the arguments, you can work on tightening it even more. So even if its a 20/20, make it a 21/20 - just so that there can be no doubt about you deserving those highest marks. It might just be in the mindset, but this is the way I approached things after trials and I found it really worked :)

Yeah, I've already prepared a different related because I thought it was letting my argument down, so I'm thinking I'll just prepare new essays with an MLK speech. I'll still refine and prepare for these two ORTs and make this essay as good as I can, but I was thinking it may be better to have texts markers would be more familiar with.

I feel like if they were being harsh on us, they would have been harsh on everyone, not just the top 10. Since I further ahead earlier in the year I've managed to maintain 1st, but for lot of the others it really brought down their ranks even though they spent weeks preparing their essays. As this was our last assignment, I feel it would have been better to mark harshly at trials as opposed to at the very end as a lot of us are very disappointed because the marks everyone received weren't commensurate with effort and some (myself for a few days) are losing motivation for english because if people who write essays the night before are getting better marks, what is the point in preparing?

elysepopplewell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #1229 on: August 28, 2017, 10:23:43 am »
Yeah, I've already prepared a different related because I thought it was letting my argument down, so I'm thinking I'll just prepare new essays with an MLK speech. I'll still refine and prepare for these two ORTs and make this essay as good as I can, but I was thinking it may be better to have texts markers would be more familiar with.

I feel like if they were being harsh on us, they would have been harsh on everyone, not just the top 10. Since I further ahead earlier in the year I've managed to maintain 1st, but for lot of the others it really brought down their ranks even though they spent weeks preparing their essays. As this was our last assignment, I feel it would have been better to mark harshly at trials as opposed to at the very end as a lot of us are very disappointed because the marks everyone received weren't commensurate with effort and some (myself for a few days) are losing motivation for english because if people who write essays the night before are getting better marks, what is the point in preparing?

I see your point. I'm not sure how close you are with your cohort, but could the top ten who were harshly marked, come together to look at each other's work and see common denominators? Hearing now that it's changed people's ranks, rather than maintain them but inject them with a sense of working for more, I see especially why you're concerned. Based on what you've told me about your feedback, and seeing your essay, I do think you deserve more. Obvious disclaimer that I'm not a HSC marker - but you've ticked all the boxes and your writing style is solid.

If the other students are willing, perhaps get together and go over the feedback, identify the parts for improvement, and even peer mark! I really recommend peer-marking in this situation - especially now that everyone has their feedback, they can use the feedback as a lens of critique. Then, I'd speak to your teacher while the iron is still hot to see if there is a need for an appeal, or even just a discussion, before the ranks are finalised, so you have peace of mind.
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