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elysepopplewell

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #15 on: March 21, 2016, 09:10:46 pm »
Hello i really need help for this question. My main concern is, have I written enough to gain 6/6 marks in this question? Thanks for any help :)

b)        Explain ethical teachings of Christianity in ONE of the following areas: (6 marks)      
      - Sexual ethics

Sexual ethics in Christianity are significant for Christian adherents as they believe sexuality to be a gift from a loving god. Therefore, the idea of procreation is essential in Christianity as expressed through the bible, "Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth.” (Genesis 1:28). Hence, Christians believe it is a special gift from god which must be used well. Also, Christians believe God blesses the practice of sexual intimacy inside marriage, therefore, sexual acts outside marriage in the form of pre-marital or extra-marital sex are absolutely non-permissible. This is described in 1 Corinthians 7:8, 9, about “the unmarried” and “the widows,” that if they “they cannot exercise self-control. Let them marry.”

Pre-marital sex has not been addressed directly in scripture because in history, people were married at a young age. However, the bible does say that both, man and woman must enter within a virginal state as expressed through Leviticus 21:13 “he shall take a wife in her virginity...” Also, as sex is created by God and sanctified by marriage for the purpose of procreation, premarital sex challenges the correct functioning of this system. The Anglican Church of Australia, while discouraging pre-marital sex, condones pre-marital sex and does not exclude “sinners” from worship. They also do not have the same strong view of the prohibition of marital sex as it is allowed as long as the couple are in a long term and loving relationship. However, all Christian churches do not condone pre-marital sex. Catholic churches teach that sexual love between a man and a woman is reserved to marriage. They are completely against sex before marriage as the Church believes it contradicts moral law and the concept of procreation. Therefore, if a Catholic has sex before marriage they are excluded from the sacrament of communion.

Extra-marital sex is non-permissible in Christianity as it has been directly addressed through “thou shalt not commit adultery” in the Bible’s ‘Ten Commandments.’ Adultery is also one of the most frequently and severely condemned sins as it is mentioned 52 times in the Bible. It is described as an “evil action” that “defiles a person” (Matthew 15) as “God will judge fornicators and adulterers.” (Hebrews 13:4). It also violates the covenant, or contract, agreed to at the start of the marriage to bond “till death do us part.” Thus, due to its seriousness, adultery is prohibited in all denominations, however some may have a stricter attitude towards it. Christian Identity groups, such as the Ku Klux Klan, typically believe interracial marriages to be a form of adultery, whereas this is not the case in the majority of other Christian denominations. For many Christians, particularly the Protestant churches, adultery consists not only of consensual sexual intercourse outside of marriage, but also in “lustful or lewd thoughts” (Matthew 5:28). While Orthodox Christians believe anyone “who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”(Matthew).

Hey there! Welcome to the forum :)

I'll edit this in bold below in the spoiler:

Spoiler
Explain ethical teachings of Christianity in ONE of the following areas: (6 marks)      
      - Sexual ethics

Sexual ethics in Christianity are significant for Christian adherents as they believe sexuality to be a gift from a loving god. Therefore, the idea of procreation is essential in Christianity as expressed through the bible, "Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth.” (Genesis 1:28). Hence, Christians believe it is a special gift from god which must be used well. Also, Christians believe God blesses the practice of sexual intimacy inside marriage, therefore, sexual acts outside marriage in the form of pre-marital or extra-marital sex are absolutely non-permissible. This is described in 1 Corinthians 7:8, 9, about “the unmarried” and “the widows,” that if they “they cannot exercise self-control. Let them marry.” I think you need to explicitly outline the ethics before clouding them with Biblical references, just for the introduction. For example, Christian ethics surround the idea of the right relationship with God, the right relationship with others and oneself. Put that in there. Then be more specific about sexual ethics, like the gift from God idea and the others you've suggested. Your intro should be really short for a 6 marker - so don't worry about impressing with quotes - your body paragraphs will do that work!

Pre-marital sex has not been addressed directly in scripture because in history, people were married at a young age. Perhaps be a little more concise here. Try, "because at the historical stage that the Bible was written, people married at a pre-pubescent or pubescent age, so their marriage coincided with their sexual activity." However, the bible Capital B!) does say that both, man and woman must enter within a virginal state as expressed through Leviticus 21:13 “he shall take a wife in her virginity...” Also, as sex is created by God and sanctified by marriage for the purpose of procreation, premarital sex challenges the correct functioning of this system. The Anglican Church of Australia, while discouraging pre-marital sex, condones pre-marital sex and does not exclude “sinners” from worship. They also do not have the same strong view of the prohibition of marital sex as it is allowed as long as the couple are in a long term and loving relationship. However, all Christian churches do not condone pre-marital sex. Catholic churches teach that sexual love between a man and a woman is reserved to marriage. They are completely against sex before marriage as the Church believes it contradicts moral law and the concept of procreation. Therefore, if a Catholic has sex before marriage they are excluded from the sacrament of communion.

Extra-marital sex is non-permissible in Christianity as it has been directly addressed through “thou shalt not commit adultery” in the Bible’s ‘Ten Commandments.’ Adultery is also one of the most frequently and severely condemned sins as it is mentioned 52 times in the Bible. It is described as an “evil action” that “defiles a person” (Matthew 15) as “God will judge fornicators and adulterers.” (Hebrews 13:4). It also violates the covenant, or contract, agreed to at the start of the marriage to bond “till death do us part.” Thus, due to its seriousness, adultery is prohibited in all denominations, however some may have a stricter attitude towards it. Christian Identity groups, such as the Ku Klux Klan, typically believe interracial marriages to be a form of adultery, whereas this is not the case in the majority of other Christian denominations. For many Christians, particularly the Protestant churches, adultery consists not only of consensual sexual intercourse outside of marriage, but also in “lustful or lewd thoughts” (Matthew 5:28). While Orthodox Christians believe anyone “who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”(Matthew).

The problem with the last two paragraphs is that it doesn't focus on EXPLAINING the ethics of Christianity. Instead, you talk about ethically conflicting situations. Begin your paragraph discussing the ethics, talk about the source, the importance, explain them. Then, only as a supporting argument, should you back them up with examples such as pre-marital sex. I hope this makes sense and doesn't dishearten you. I lost marks in my half yearly because I didn't explain the ethics, I mainly explained ethical decisions. When really, I should have explained ethics, and used the ethical decisions as supporting material. In order of prevalence, I would discuss: The Ethics themselves (quotes to support), the sources of the ethics, the examples of the ethics in reality.

Hopefully this makes sense Sonya. Your length is fine for a 6 marker, provided that the economy of words is strong. You just need to tweak the angle that you have taken, and then you've got yourself a solid essay! Your knowledge is strong, I don't doubt that for a second! You've got a good sense of how to build up a strong argument. You need to make sure that you really flesh out the ethical teachings before you put anything into practice! If this doesn't quite make sense, please post back and we can discuss further. But hopefully you understand what I'm saying. Don't shy away from contacting me again! :-)
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liiz

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #16 on: March 22, 2016, 10:59:51 am »
Hey there! Great use of a spoiler!

I'll post my comments in bold, down here. Thanks for commenting!

Spoiler
“But those who believe and work righteousness, and humble themselves before their Lord, will dwell in the garden as companions” (Quran 11:23).
With reference to the above quotation, explain how ONE significant person and ONE significant practice of Islam assist adherents in achieving the distinctive Islamic requirement of submission

 “Islam” derives from the Arabic verb taslama, which means to surrender. This is a cool fact! As such, the underlying paradigm of Islam is that adherents consistently strive to live in submission to the will of Allah by living a righteous and humble life that pleases Him. By doing so, Muslims attain inner-peace and have the ability to develop a deep relationship with God that will be perpetuated in the garden of the afterlife. The significant practice of Hajj and influential figure Rabi’a al-Adawiyya continue to assist adherents in achieving this Islamic requirement through the distinctive aspects of asceticism, devotion and trusting in God. Acting as an avenue and model for adherents to aspire to, adherents can become aware of their companionship with Allah and their duty to live life the way he chose them to live. Thus, Hajj and Rabi’a have essentially guided Muslims to achieve the most perfect submission. This is really cool. I mean, this introduction ticks so many boxes, which is great! No major qualms here.

An integral component of submission demonstrated through Hajj and by Rabi’a is asceticism, whereby humility enables believers to completely focus on Allah’s will. Hajj, Islam’s fifth pillar of faith, is an obligatory pilgrimage to Mecca (Saudi Arabia) which aims to strengthen one’s companionship with God. To ensure that a person is ready for the journey’s spiritual rigours, Ihram (it is great that you are using the Arabic terms!!!!!) is a state of physical and mental purity achieved by abstaining from certain actions. This is set out in the Quran as “whoever intends to perform Hajj... should not have sexual relations, nor commit sin nor dispute unjustly” (Sura 2:197). Adherents dress in simple white cloths to further emphasise their detachment from physical desires, echoing the pillar of Sawm. As there is no distinction between individuals, Hajj assists adherents to attain submission by reaffirming the umma’s unifying stance before Allah. As such pilgrims achieve submission by behaving in a righteous, humble manner and pleasing Allah. Similarly, Rabi’a dismissed her worldly responsibilities and material comforts in order to pursue her love of God. Rabi’a al-Adawiyya was a key figure in the development of the Sufi expression of Islam which highlights the importance of building a present spiritual relationship with God. As such, Sufis live an ascetic life, rejecting all nafs (personal urges) and practicing self-effacement to focus on God’s intimate love. Rabi’a worked towards this state of humility through her meagre living circumstances, only owning an old reed-mat, broken pitcher and a brick to use as a pillow. As Rabi’a reiterates “May God steal from you everything that steals you from him”, (can you find a location for this? Is there a source that you are referring to?) physical desires act as an obstacle to fully understanding and surrendering to God. Therefore, the concept of asceticism is explored through the righteous state of Ihram during Hajj and Rabia's humble lifestyle. By encouraging adherents to focus on Allah’s will by removing all distractions, this significant practice and influential figure assist Muslims to achieve submission and thus, maintain a companionship with God in the garden of the afterlife.
(For all SOR essays, I try to reference the Qur'an and Sunnah every single paragraph. You don't have to link the person or practice to this explicitly. Instead, you could say that Rabi'a lives out the Prophet's directions to ******(quote from Qur'an)*****. Does this make sense? You always want to be mentioning the Qur'an because it is the core Sacred Text! Otherwise, this paragraph can't be faulted in my eyes. It is so unique how you are directing your paragraphs according to aspects of submission. Very cool!)

Devotion is important for Muslims as it demonstrates their desire to submit to Allah. (Another thing on top of what I just said - mention the core beliefs CONSISTENTLY. I would be mentioning Tawhid in your first sentence here). The significant practice of Hajj requires great dedication, due to the hardships and spiritual rebirth it entails. The faard ritual of Tawaf reaffirms one’s loyalty to Allah by expressing the Shahada and the core belief of Tawhid. (Ah, there is it!  ;))When pilgrims arrive in Mecca, they circumambulate the Kaba seven times, repeating “Here I am O God…Verily all praise, grace and sovereignty belong to you alone.” This chant embodies the meaning behind Hajj and Islam itself - the requirement of submission and the declaration of the oneness of God. Additionally, circulating the Kaba enables Allah to be at the centre of an individual’s life, expressing their humility and further assisting adherents to achieve submission by becoming conscious of God’s presence. Likewise, Rabi’a was so committed to God that “no place [remained]” in her heart for anything else. Tradition recounts that Rabi’a rarely slept, instead spending hours in prayer and once, had light emanating from above her head. The forerunner of Sufism inspired others to be so devoted through her teaching of Mahabbah. This divine love occurs when adherents focus their entire life on God’s love with the intention of developing uns, a direct personal experience with Him.  As highlighted through these doctrines and her poetic literature, Rabi’a desired to “approach her Lord and be consumed in his glory” (Attar, biographer). She presents to adherents a unique perspective on one’s relationship with Allah, inspiring them to submit for his sake alone, through humility and righteousness. Rabi’a articulates this in “If I adore you for yourself alone, do not deny me your eternal beauty. ” She saw her purpose of existence as loving Allah, but not out of “fear of hell” or “desire for paradise.” This is clear in “Your devotion is your strength, your life is the only opportunity that life can give you” (Dream Fable). Rabi’a explains how a righteous, humble life is the vehicle to which ‘true life’ and union with Allah in the “garden” may be experienced for it is what he has willed, reflecting upon Akhira. As such, Hajj and Rabi’a assist adherents in achieving the distinctive Islamic requirement of submission by modelling for Muslims how devotion fulfils Allah’s will and aids in the development of an eternal companionship with Him.
(Again, another beautiful paragraph. What is missing is the essay's quote (Use it directly wherever possible!), the Qur'an, and there was a small mention of the core beliefs so that's good. These are the things that ground your essay in the guidelines, whilst you go on and impress the judges with your knowledge. Because you have such a strong grasp of the Arabic terms, I suggest that you put the English translation for the lesser-known terms in brackets. This isn't because the marker won't know them (although they may not) but it shows that you have a thorough understanding of what this means, rather than just memorising a word and knowing it associates with a certain idea you are expressing).
Trusting in God enables adherents to strengthen their relationship with Allah, as seen through Hajj and Rabia's life. The ritual of Standing at Arafat during Hajj is a time where pilgrims reflect upon their own lives and ask for forgiveness as it is believed all prayers will be answered. By doing so, they place all their trust in God’s mercy in order to gain the strength needed to submit to Allah’s will in the future. This is an essential component of the pilgrimage for “whoever performs Hajj…will come out as sinless as a newly-born child” (Hadith). The Sai walk during Hajj also reaffirms a pilgrim's trust in Allah as they follow the footsteps of Abraham’s wife, Hagar. As she frantically ran between the hills of Safa and Marwa to find water for her famished son, she continually trusted in God. The angel Gabriel was then said to have struck the ground and caused water to flow. As such, the ZamZam water continues to serve as a reminder of Hagar’s trust in Allah and his reciprocation of care and kindness. Similarly, Rabi’a is credited with living a life of simple and intimate faith in God. She is highly regarded for her willingness to abandon all means of support other than Allah. According to one tradition, her donkey carrying her possessions to Mecca died, yet she refused help from other travellers saying “I must not depend upon you for help… I trust myself to Allah.” After praying to God, the donkey stirred and she continued her pilgrimage. Rabi’a also decided to remain a celibate, rejecting multiple marriage proposes to instead rely on God alone. Thus, Hajj and Rabi’a emphasis how Muslims should trust in God and his plan for them in life in order to to achieve the unique Islamic requirement of submission.

The significant practice of Hajj and influential figure of Rabi’a al-Adawiyya both demonstrate the need for adherents to “believe and work righteousness, and humble themselves before their Lord” (Quran 11:23). By doing so, believers develop a meaningful companionship with Allah that is ultimately sustained in the “garden” of the afterlife. Therefore, Hajj and Rabi’a enable adherents to be aware of how their lives should reflect Allah’s will through the distinctive elements of asceticism, devotion and trusting in God, in order to assist Muslims to achieve the Islamic requirement of submission.

Your knowledge cannot be faulted here! You undoubtedly know what you are talking about. The structure is very unique and very admirable.

However, like you picked it, you haven't incorporated the quote enough. You only need to incorporate a small section at a time. I would reference it twice in every paragraph, because you discuss both person and practice in each paragraph so there is two opportunities in every paragraph. You should also make a big effort to relate back to the core beliefs and the Sacred texts very consistently. Every paragraph, as a general tip, should reference the Sacred Text(s) twice! Find some universal quotes that work well and use them to express your knowledge even better. The core beliefs are a little trickier. Tawhid is by far the easiest. I would also mention the Prophets in every essay, because you always talk about the Seal of the Prophets. On that note, something that you've undertouched here is the Prophet Muhammad. You definitely need to do this more, and this will come naturally when you reference the Qur'an!

So to summarise:

-More quote integration.
-More Qur'an.
-More core beliefs.
-More mention of the Prophet.

Just remember that these can all be mentioned in passing. By this I mean, you can kind of just "drop" them in there every now and then in a way that strengthens your argument/knowledge (don't drop them in awkwardly - that will be counterproductive). When you tick these boxes, you tick everything a marker is marking you on!

You should be very proud of this essay, it was so hard to fault on a technical or knowledge level!

If something I said doesn't make sense, do post back!

Ah okay great. Thankyou so so much!! This makes heaps of sense, and I'll definitely take those tips on board. Really appreciate your help! :)

sonyaa_t

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #17 on: March 22, 2016, 01:42:03 pm »
Hey there! Welcome to the forum :)

I'll edit this in bold below in the spoiler:

Spoiler
Explain ethical teachings of Christianity in ONE of the following areas: (6 marks)      
      - Sexual ethics

Sexual ethics in Christianity are significant for Christian adherents as they believe sexuality to be a gift from a loving god. Therefore, the idea of procreation is essential in Christianity as expressed through the bible, "Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth.” (Genesis 1:28). Hence, Christians believe it is a special gift from god which must be used well. Also, Christians believe God blesses the practice of sexual intimacy inside marriage, therefore, sexual acts outside marriage in the form of pre-marital or extra-marital sex are absolutely non-permissible. This is described in 1 Corinthians 7:8, 9, about “the unmarried” and “the widows,” that if they “they cannot exercise self-control. Let them marry.” I think you need to explicitly outline the ethics before clouding them with Biblical references, just for the introduction. For example, Christian ethics surround the idea of the right relationship with God, the right relationship with others and oneself. Put that in there. Then be more specific about sexual ethics, like the gift from God idea and the others you've suggested. Your intro should be really short for a 6 marker - so don't worry about impressing with quotes - your body paragraphs will do that work!

Pre-marital sex has not been addressed directly in scripture because in history, people were married at a young age. Perhaps be a little more concise here. Try, "because at the historical stage that the Bible was written, people married at a pre-pubescent or pubescent age, so their marriage coincided with their sexual activity." However, the bible Capital B!) does say that both, man and woman must enter within a virginal state as expressed through Leviticus 21:13 “he shall take a wife in her virginity...” Also, as sex is created by God and sanctified by marriage for the purpose of procreation, premarital sex challenges the correct functioning of this system. The Anglican Church of Australia, while discouraging pre-marital sex, condones pre-marital sex and does not exclude “sinners” from worship. They also do not have the same strong view of the prohibition of marital sex as it is allowed as long as the couple are in a long term and loving relationship. However, all Christian churches do not condone pre-marital sex. Catholic churches teach that sexual love between a man and a woman is reserved to marriage. They are completely against sex before marriage as the Church believes it contradicts moral law and the concept of procreation. Therefore, if a Catholic has sex before marriage they are excluded from the sacrament of communion.

Extra-marital sex is non-permissible in Christianity as it has been directly addressed through “thou shalt not commit adultery” in the Bible’s ‘Ten Commandments.’ Adultery is also one of the most frequently and severely condemned sins as it is mentioned 52 times in the Bible. It is described as an “evil action” that “defiles a person” (Matthew 15) as “God will judge fornicators and adulterers.” (Hebrews 13:4). It also violates the covenant, or contract, agreed to at the start of the marriage to bond “till death do us part.” Thus, due to its seriousness, adultery is prohibited in all denominations, however some may have a stricter attitude towards it. Christian Identity groups, such as the Ku Klux Klan, typically believe interracial marriages to be a form of adultery, whereas this is not the case in the majority of other Christian denominations. For many Christians, particularly the Protestant churches, adultery consists not only of consensual sexual intercourse outside of marriage, but also in “lustful or lewd thoughts” (Matthew 5:28). While Orthodox Christians believe anyone “who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”(Matthew).

The problem with the last two paragraphs is that it doesn't focus on EXPLAINING the ethics of Christianity. Instead, you talk about ethically conflicting situations. Begin your paragraph discussing the ethics, talk about the source, the importance, explain them. Then, only as a supporting argument, should you back them up with examples such as pre-marital sex. I hope this makes sense and doesn't dishearten you. I lost marks in my half yearly because I didn't explain the ethics, I mainly explained ethical decisions. When really, I should have explained ethics, and used the ethical decisions as supporting material. In order of prevalence, I would discuss: The Ethics themselves (quotes to support), the sources of the ethics, the examples of the ethics in reality.

Hopefully this makes sense Sonya. Your length is fine for a 6 marker, provided that the economy of words is strong. You just need to tweak the angle that you have taken, and then you've got yourself a solid essay! Your knowledge is strong, I don't doubt that for a second! You've got a good sense of how to build up a strong argument. You need to make sure that you really flesh out the ethical teachings before you put anything into practice! If this doesn't quite make sense, please post back and we can discuss further. But hopefully you understand what I'm saying. Don't shy away from contacting me again! :-)

Thanks I'll definitely use your advice :)

carver

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #18 on: March 22, 2016, 01:53:01 pm »
Hey can you check my essay thanks! :)

@caitlyn

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #19 on: March 22, 2016, 10:37:22 pm »
Hey, I was wondering if i answered the question properly and if it is suitable for a 6/6?

 Q: Explain ethical teachings of Christianity in ONE of the following areas: (6 marks)
    -Sexual Ethics

Christian sexual ethics are derived from sources like the Bible and the 10 Commandments, and also from religious authorities. Christian denominations agree on the sentiment that sexual relationships should be for the purpose of procreation and should therefore only occur within a heterosexual, monogamous married couple as an act of love, rather than personal satisfaction. 
 
Homosexuality refers to individuals who are attracted to their own gender. The Bible is clear in its stance that homosexuality is a sin (1 Corinthians 6:9-12) and the church has traditionally condemned homosexual relationships with many Christians believing it should continue to do so. However, growing numbers of Christians believe the Church has made a mistake and the church's position should be reformed. With emphasis on marriage and procreation, the Bible is in essence against homosexuality. Jesus quoted Genesis 2:24 in his teaching that sexual intercourse made people 'become one flesh....so they are no longer one but two." This signifies the importance of multiplying with relation to Christian sexual ethics and highlights that homosexuality inhibits procreation, as it can only occur between a man and a women. There are different denominational views on homosexuality in Christianity. The Uniting Church allows for the participation and ordination for homosexuals, whereas Catholics and evangelicals both reject homosexuality with the evangelical rejection being based on the New Testament (Corinthians 6:9-12) and the Catholics further reject homosexual relationships as going against 'natural law', which is procreation.
 
Contraception refers to the deliberate use of artificial methods or other techniques to prevent pregnancy as a consequence of sexual intercourse. In the Christian Church contraception is allowed when pregnancy might harm the health of the mother, to limit the number of children in the family or for people who do not want to have children at the present stage in their lives. Other than those reasons Roman Catholics reject most forms of contraception as it contradicts their understanding of natural law, which is procreation. Natural forms of contraception such as the rhythm method are acceptable across all Christians denominations as there is a possibility of conception. The Bible states that 'men and women were made to complement each other' (Genesis 1:28)  and 'increase in number' which signifies the importance of procreation and highlights that contraceptives interfere with the natural order of multiplying. Protestant churches continue to adopt a liberal attitude and permit artificial birth as long as it does not encourage promiscuous behavior whereas Catholics view that contraception should be more tightly controlled as it alienates people from God's intentions of the sexual and procreative processes.   

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #20 on: March 22, 2016, 10:56:35 pm »
Hey can you check my essay thanks! :)

Hey Carver, welcome to the forums!! I'd be happy to, I've attached your essay with some helpful comments below!

Spoiler
In the name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
 . . . to You alone do we turn for help.
Guide us along the straight path.
                                                          Qur’an 1:2–6


With reference to the quotation, explain how Islam as a living religious tradition gives depth and meaning to the life of the individual and the Muslim community.

Submitting to Allah’s will is a central concept at the heart of Islam, giving depth and meaning to the life of its adherents and the Muslim community. An expression of devotion to Allah, Hajj or the pilgrimage to Makkah is one of the five ‘arkan-al-Islam’ (pillars of Islam) and is compulsory for all Muslims, men or women. That is if they are physically and financially able to “perform the pilgrimage and the visit (to Mecca) for Allah” (Quran 2:196). This ‘fard’ is performed from the 8th to the 13th of the twelfth month of zul-hijjah where the core beliefs of Islam are expressed and affirmed by undertaking certain communal rituals. That is, in order to be guided “along the straight path” to ‘Jannat’. Thus, being significant to the life of the individual and the Muslim community. Good introduction! Excellent inclusion of Qur'an quotes and the supplied quotation. However, you are missing one of the key parts of the question, that is a definition of a living religious tradition. I'd even lead with this, what defines a living religious tradition? You've covered it implicitly, but really hammer it home!

During hajj, pilgrims seek the forgiveness of their sins, in order to achieve the highest level of heaven, Jannat-al-firdous, giving adherents an ultimate purpose in life. Fantastic introductory sentence, again though, make sure you link back to living religious tradition. That is the focus of this question! As hajj is a communal worship, the plea and petition of millions of people at the same time while performing ‘tawaf’ around the Ka’ba 7 times is a compelling spiritual force that begs forgiveness. Thus, the collective ‘ibadah’ of “Here I am at your Service, O Allah, Here I am” brings communities in unity in complete surrender to the “Most Merciful” (Qur’an 1:2–6) Allah. On the ninth day of zul-Hijjah, pilgrims make their way atop the hill of Mount Arafat, known as 'Jabal Al Rahmah' (the hill of forgiveness), the place Muhammad (PBUH) gave his last sermon. This is where adherents engage in contemplation; offering namaz (prayer), supplicating and reading the Quran. This ritual is known as wuquf and is one of the most significant events of hajj as Muhammad (PBUH) said, “Hajj is Arafat - if Arafat was missed, the whole Hajj will be missed.” This alludes a deep spiritual connection between an individual as it brings them closer to God as they “turn for help” from him “alone,” to gain a place in Jannat. Also, due to Mount Arafat’s historical importance, the Muslim community feels connected to the history of Islam which connects individuals to the past and present Muslim ummah. I really like that you use the community as well, maybe try doing this a little bit more, create a balance? Therefore, giving meaning to the life of the individual and the Muslim community. Fantastic paragraph with an excellent conclusion! Great use of quotes and re-enforcing the significance to Muslims, great stuff!

Warding off temptations of the world is an integral part of Islam, thus, due to its physical, monetary and spiritual demands, hajj inspires adherents to refrain from sinning once they finish pilgrimage. This introduction needs a link to the focus once again, living religious tradition. WHY is it important to Muslims? Therefore, preparation before this time is highly important and involves redressing wrongs, paying all debts, allocating money for family and journey, as well as adopting good ikhlaq (behaviour). The significance of the intensity of Hajj for an individual is that they learn skills such as determination, perseverance, patience and control of the human will. Stoning the al-Jamarat in Mina symbolises the rejection of “the short enjoyment of this world” (Surah An-Nisa) as pilgrims recite, “from now on, you won’t be able to seduce me.” This interjection is directed towards the external devil, Iblis and other shayateen (Satan) like him, as well as an individual’s inner Satan, their sinful temptations. This is significant for an individual as they build greater confidence to suppress their inner desires (nafs), and feel like they have won over shayateen/s’ “evil whispers”(Quran, surah an-nas). Also, because stoning the Jamarat is a communal worship, it gives strength to the Muslim ummah to collectively defeat their sinful desires, inspiring strength and faith in one another. Therefore, giving depth and meaning to the life of an individual and the Muslim community. Again, excellent paragraph! Just that introduction needs to be reframed for the question.

Islam also provides depth and meaning to the lives of Muslim adherents through reiterating the importance of carrying out charitable work and caring for one another. Excellent! This is depicted in hajj as the stoning of the pillars is followed by the slaughter of an animal, usually a sheep, to mark the beginning of a three-day holiday called ‘Eid al-Adha,’ or Feast of Sacrifice. This is significant as it teaches an individual to let go of worldly possessions and sacrifice in the name of Allah to mark complete submission to His will. This practice is also significant for the community as the ‘qurban,’ the meat from the sacrifice is distributed to family and friends, but mostly, to the poor, therefore, fulfilling the Islamic pillar of charity. In addition, this act reinforces one of the most important beliefs for a ‘momin’ (a believer in Islam), to “love for humanity as you would love for yourself.” (Hadith 13-Al-bukhari) Thus, the celebration of Eid unites international Muslims; evokes respect and interracial harmony, hence, strengthening the unification of the Muslim ummah. As the enormity of hajj is covered internationally through media, it also inspires Muslim adherents in the community from around the world to take part. Thus, being significant for an individual and the community.  This paragraph is brilliant! Well focused on the question at hand and good explanations and quotes.

Upon completion of hajj whereby a believer performed every ritual to the best of their ability and stayed away from “...any obscenity and wrongdoing...” Muslims experience the beginning of a new life, “pure and free from sins” as described by Muhammad (PBUH). This introduction is a little weaker, and again, it isn't for any reason besides the fact that it doesn't relate to the focus of the question as well as it could. You are literally tiny tweaks away from a real winner!  As Aisha and Muhammad (PBUH) also carried out hajj, this practice is considered suna for Muslim adherents and Aisha is regarded as a role model, especially for Sunni female Muslims. Hajj transforms an individual by bringing them closer to God, as they become more aware and try to maintain the highest level of spirituality; by refraining from sins that they were previously tempted by. Therefore, hajj is a rite of passage as it also transforms individuals’ role in the community as those who have completed hajj are known as ‘hajji’. Therefore, elevating their status and providing an identity to Muslim adherents and the Muslim community.Great! Really excellent conclusion also

Henceforth, hajj is significant to the lives of Muslim adherents and the greater Muslim community, as it provides individuals with the opportunity for spiritual rebirth through developing a closer relationship with Allah. Also, the global Islamic community are united through submission to the will and communal worship of their “one God” Allah. Hence, this act of submission by millions of people through the communal rituals of hajj, evokes widespread attention around the world while providing the evidence of Islam being a living, religious tradition. Excellent conclusion, a good length! I still think you need a tad more focus on Living Religious Tradition, which I know is what you are arguing with the 'significant to the lives' parts, but in my opinion it the Living Religious Tradition part needs to be more than an afterthought in this conclusion.


You have a fantastic essay here carver, well done! It shows a wealth of understanding of Hajj, excellent quote inclusion, and great links to significance for adherent. The links to significance to adherent could be a little stronger in some paragraphs, probably the first and last, just little additions and tweaks will do the trick.

My one piece of advice would be a greater focus on Living Religious Tradition, a religion which plays an active role in the lives of its adherents. This links directly to significance to adherent, of course, but I think a slight re-frame of the argument to place this concept in a more significant position would be beneficial for your essay. Besides this, make sure that your paragraph topic sentences ALWAYS link back to this central argument.

Finally, and I don't think this is necessary, you can consider trying this essay question with all three parts of Islam (Hajj, Personality, Ethic), it would be a good exercise, since you have so much more to talk about. I think choosing Hajj only has the advantage of being more focused, but the disadvantage of having less to talk about and so less ammunition to use in arguments. Might prove an interesting way to practice for you  ;D

In summary, brilliant Carver!! Fantastic job, I love it  :D

« Last Edit: March 22, 2016, 11:15:28 pm by jamonwindeyer »

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #21 on: March 22, 2016, 11:15:11 pm »
Hello, i have written responses to the two questions, as attached below. Can you please give me some feedback as in, am i answering the question properly. Thanks for any help :D

Hey Kimmie, welcome to the forums! I've attached your responses with some feedback on each, I hope it helps you!

a)   i) Describe the contribution to the development and expression of Christianity of ONE
             significant person OR school of thought, other than Jesus.   (5 marks)                                                                                                                                 

Spoiler
Hildegard contributed significantly to the development and expression of Christianity through her systematic review of the Christian doctrine, achieved through preaching tours, church reform and her publications of art; books, songs, plays and music. She composed music and wrote 70 songs such as ‘o frondens virga’ and thus, developed an alternative way to worship God. Through her various mediums of expressing Christianity, such as her play, ‘Ordo Virtutum,’ she also made religion more accessible to women, the illiterate and the undedicated. By composing hymns in honour of the various saints in the church and the Virgin Mary, she awakened a deeper awareness of imagery and symbolism in the expression of Christianity. Furthermore, by disputing the commonly accepted view of masturbation in medieval times that “excretion of body fluids is a necessity” as outlined in her book, ‘Scivias’, she was one of the first people to take a stand in favour of celibacy. Her 4 public preaching tours in Germany expanded the religion through acquiring convents, and also by revitalising the Christian faith in adherents who had lost their faith. She also stood up against the corruption within the church, challenging people from all social classes to live a life of piety and reform their lives in order to be free from injustice. Thus preaching Jesus’ message of love and equality. Through her tours, she also spoke about the injustices and adversities faced by women which contributed to the acceptance of women in the church for social participation and the interpretation of the scriptures. 

This is great response which shows a wealth of knowledge on Hildegard! You are absolutely hitting the mark on the question. I think what is missing is a final link between the actual development/expression of Christianity, as it affects adherents. You were close, just not quite there. For example, Hildegard's rebellion against the corruption in the Christian Church inspired the community to live a life of piety, clearly reflected in modern Christian ethical teachings. Basically, all I think the response is missing is, yes it affected the development of the church, how does that manifest today? Yes it affected the expression of Christianity, how is the everyday adherent affected by the impact? This is a describe question, so it is not super essential, but if I were to give you something to improve that would be it!

Still wonderful, I'd give it no less than 4 or 5 out of 5!


   ii) Outline the impact the person OR school of thought had on Christianity   (4 marks)

Spoiler
Hildegard not only inspired Christians in medieval times through her intellectual brilliance, her impacts still remain in the modern world. In medieval times, she was believed to be a prophetess and was able to re-inspire faith during times of uncertainty in Europe. Thus, through her visions, she was able to bring the reality of heaven much closer to Christian adherents. Furthermore, her preaching tours in Germany also increased the number of Catholics in Europe. Her greatest impact of reviewing the Christian doctrine and interpreting it has revitalized the Christian faith by challenging old traditions of male dominance in the church and renewing theology. Through a profound grasp of the Scripture and her visions, she explains that a singular male concept of God is no longer suitable. This is shown in the lines, “God is even more so our mother.” Thus, she took part in renewing theology in Christianity. She also continues to inspire modern day Christians through her music. For example, her self-composed music, “Symphonia armoniae” is now used in mass and marriage ceremonies in some churches such as Anglican churches, engaging more adherents and attaching them to Christian rituals.“ Hildegard has also become a figure of reverence within the contemporary New Age movement. For example, a healing centre in Germany called “Hildegard-Medicine” is named after her that focuses on a holistic approach to wellness using herbal remedies and detoxifying methods e.g. cupping.

Another brilliant response! This has the links to the modern adherent I wanted a little more of in the previous response, it is excellent! I would say to add a more conclusive final sentence (EG-"Therefore Hildegard's impact on Christianity is obvious."). Further, notice that you are giving a similar length response for a Describe and Outline question. Be efficient, this question only needs the bare details, you did that and so much more!

This one is, as much as my experience would suggest, definitely a 5/5 and definitely is answering the question.

While I mentioned a few things to work on, I think these are fantastic responses Kimmie, well done!  ;D

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #22 on: March 22, 2016, 11:38:09 pm »
Hey, I was wondering if i answered the question properly and if it is suitable for a 6/6?


Hey Caitlyn, welcome to the forums! I've given you some of my thoughts below, I hope it helps!  ;D

  Q: Explain ethical teachings of Christianity in ONE of the following areas: -Sexual Ethics (6 marks)

Spoiler

Christian sexual ethics are derived from sources like the Bible and the 10 Commandments, and also from religious authorities. Christian denominations agree on the sentiment that sexual relationships should be for the purpose of procreation and should therefore only occur within a heterosexual, monogamous married couple as an act of love, rather than personal satisfaction.  I love that you are starting with a general statement like this. To improve, try adding the ethical principles that lead to this sentiment, why do Christian denominations agree on this principle?
 
Homosexuality refers to individuals who are attracted to their own gender. The Bible is clear in its stance that homosexuality is a sin (1 Corinthians 6:9-12) and the church has traditionally condemned homosexual relationships with many Christians believing it should continue to do so. However, growing numbers of Christians believe the Church has made a mistake and the church's position should be reformed. With emphasis on marriage and procreation, the Bible is in essence against homosexuality. Jesus quoted Genesis 2:24 in his teaching that sexual intercourse made people 'become one flesh....so they are no longer one but two." This signifies the importance of multiplying with relation to Christian sexual ethics and highlights that homosexuality inhibits procreation, as it can only occur between a man and a women. There are different denominational views on homosexuality in Christianity. The Uniting Church allows for the participation and ordination for homosexuals, whereas Catholics and evangelicals both reject homosexuality with the evangelical rejection being based on the New Testament (Corinthians 6:9-12) and the Catholics further reject homosexual relationships as going against 'natural law', which is procreation. This is solid! A good coverage of homosexuality in terms of Christian ethics, but again, this is an EXPLAIN question. Why are these teachings the case? This is your missing link. Further, perhaps some more detail on denominational differences?
 
Contraception refers to the deliberate use of artificial methods or other techniques to prevent pregnancy as a consequence of sexual intercourse. In the Christian Church contraception is allowed when pregnancy might harm the health of the mother, to limit the number of children in the family or for people who do not want to have children at the present stage in their lives. Other than those reasons Roman Catholics reject most forms of contraception as it contradicts their understanding of natural law, which is procreation. Natural forms of contraception such as the rhythm method are acceptable across all Christians denominations as there is a possibility of conception. The Bible states that 'men and women were made to complement each other' (Genesis 1:28)  and 'increase in number' which signifies the importance of procreation and highlights that contraceptives interfere with the natural order of multiplying. Protestant churches continue to adopt a liberal attitude and permit artificial birth as long as it does not encourage promiscuous behavior whereas Catholics view that contraception should be more tightly controlled as it alienates people from God's intentions of the sexual and procreative processes. Again, really good stuff! You are explaining your ethical issues really well! I would have liked a bit more on denominational difference here though, but a really excellent conclusion!


This is a really good response! You know your ethical issues really well, and I LOVE that you started with a generic overview. I could suggest two areas for improvement:

1 - I don't think the length is quite achievable for an exam. A tad longer than you need to get the full amount of marks! You might have to look at cutting some things to bring it back to something that won't kill your hand on the day, but then I am not a fast writer, just a thought!  :D

2 - This is a really common issue with responding to this question, I did it ALL THE TIME. Basically, you are explaining ethical decisions, not the ethical teachings behind those decisions. This links to my comments above, WHY do Christians have the views on sexuality that they do? The issues like homosexuality and contraception are definitely fantastic to include, but they should be supporting material. So, you need to discuss the ethical principle (supremacy of life, agape, etc), then discuss where it comes from (Bible, Church teaching, etc), then give an example as to how it is applied.

Elyse also explained this really well a little earlier, I hope she doesn't mind if I quote her here  ;D

Quote
The problem with the last two paragraphs is that it doesn't focus on EXPLAINING the ethics of Christianity. Instead, you talk about ethically conflicting situations. Begin your paragraph discussing the ethics, talk about the source, the importance, explain them. Then, only as a supporting argument, should you back them up with examples such as pre-marital sex. I hope this makes sense and doesn't dishearten you. I lost marks in my half yearly because I didn't explain the ethics, I mainly explained ethical decisions. When really, I should have explained ethics, and used the ethical decisions as supporting material. In order of prevalence, I would discuss: The Ethics themselves (quotes to support), the sources of the ethics, the examples of the ethics in reality.

That in mind, I don't think you are quite hitting the mark of the question right now. As such, I don't think it is quite 6/6 just yet, but it is definitely on the right track! You are welcome to make some improvements and send it to us again, we'd love to see you try some of this feedback, because I think you have the start of an awesome response. Great stuff Caitlyn  ;D

sonyaa_t

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #23 on: March 24, 2016, 12:52:26 pm »
Hey there! Welcome to the forum :)

I'll edit this in bold below in the spoiler:

Spoiler
Explain ethical teachings of Christianity in ONE of the following areas: (6 marks)      
      - Sexual ethics

Sexual ethics in Christianity are significant for Christian adherents as they believe sexuality to be a gift from a loving god. Therefore, the idea of procreation is essential in Christianity as expressed through the bible, "Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth.” (Genesis 1:28). Hence, Christians believe it is a special gift from god which must be used well. Also, Christians believe God blesses the practice of sexual intimacy inside marriage, therefore, sexual acts outside marriage in the form of pre-marital or extra-marital sex are absolutely non-permissible. This is described in 1 Corinthians 7:8, 9, about “the unmarried” and “the widows,” that if they “they cannot exercise self-control. Let them marry.” I think you need to explicitly outline the ethics before clouding them with Biblical references, just for the introduction. For example, Christian ethics surround the idea of the right relationship with God, the right relationship with others and oneself. Put that in there. Then be more specific about sexual ethics, like the gift from God idea and the others you've suggested. Your intro should be really short for a 6 marker - so don't worry about impressing with quotes - your body paragraphs will do that work!

Pre-marital sex has not been addressed directly in scripture because in history, people were married at a young age. Perhaps be a little more concise here. Try, "because at the historical stage that the Bible was written, people married at a pre-pubescent or pubescent age, so their marriage coincided with their sexual activity." However, the bible Capital B!) does say that both, man and woman must enter within a virginal state as expressed through Leviticus 21:13 “he shall take a wife in her virginity...” Also, as sex is created by God and sanctified by marriage for the purpose of procreation, premarital sex challenges the correct functioning of this system. The Anglican Church of Australia, while discouraging pre-marital sex, condones pre-marital sex and does not exclude “sinners” from worship. They also do not have the same strong view of the prohibition of marital sex as it is allowed as long as the couple are in a long term and loving relationship. However, all Christian churches do not condone pre-marital sex. Catholic churches teach that sexual love between a man and a woman is reserved to marriage. They are completely against sex before marriage as the Church believes it contradicts moral law and the concept of procreation. Therefore, if a Catholic has sex before marriage they are excluded from the sacrament of communion.

Extra-marital sex is non-permissible in Christianity as it has been directly addressed through “thou shalt not commit adultery” in the Bible’s ‘Ten Commandments.’ Adultery is also one of the most frequently and severely condemned sins as it is mentioned 52 times in the Bible. It is described as an “evil action” that “defiles a person” (Matthew 15) as “God will judge fornicators and adulterers.” (Hebrews 13:4). It also violates the covenant, or contract, agreed to at the start of the marriage to bond “till death do us part.” Thus, due to its seriousness, adultery is prohibited in all denominations, however some may have a stricter attitude towards it. Christian Identity groups, such as the Ku Klux Klan, typically believe interracial marriages to be a form of adultery, whereas this is not the case in the majority of other Christian denominations. For many Christians, particularly the Protestant churches, adultery consists not only of consensual sexual intercourse outside of marriage, but also in “lustful or lewd thoughts” (Matthew 5:28). While Orthodox Christians believe anyone “who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”(Matthew).

The problem with the last two paragraphs is that it doesn't focus on EXPLAINING the ethics of Christianity. Instead, you talk about ethically conflicting situations. Begin your paragraph discussing the ethics, talk about the source, the importance, explain them. Then, only as a supporting argument, should you back them up with examples such as pre-marital sex. I hope this makes sense and doesn't dishearten you. I lost marks in my half yearly because I didn't explain the ethics, I mainly explained ethical decisions. When really, I should have explained ethics, and used the ethical decisions as supporting material. In order of prevalence, I would discuss: The Ethics themselves (quotes to support), the sources of the ethics, the examples of the ethics in reality.

Hopefully this makes sense Sonya. Your length is fine for a 6 marker, provided that the economy of words is strong. You just need to tweak the angle that you have taken, and then you've got yourself a solid essay! Your knowledge is strong, I don't doubt that for a second! You've got a good sense of how to build up a strong argument. You need to make sure that you really flesh out the ethical teachings before you put anything into practice! If this doesn't quite make sense, please post back and we can discuss further. But hopefully you understand what I'm saying. Don't shy away from contacting me again! :-)


Hey! I attempted to answer the question again. Did i explain the ethics of Christianity well? Also i think im waffling on certain parts :/ any feedback would be appreciated :)

elysepopplewell

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #24 on: March 24, 2016, 02:02:46 pm »

Hey! I attempted to answer the question again. Did i explain the ethics of Christianity well? Also i think im waffling on certain parts :/ any feedback would be appreciated :)

Hey! Welcome back :) It makes me really happy when people take feedback, alter their work, and come back again!
Here is your original work:
Spoiler
Christian sexual ethics surround the idea of the right relationship with God, the right relationship with others and oneself. As Christian adherents believe sexuality to be a gift from a loving god, God blesses the practice of sexual intimacy inside a monogamous, heterosexual marriage. That is, adherents believe sex is sanctified by marriage for the sole purpose of procreation. Therefore, sexual immoralities such as adultery and pre-marital sex are non-permissible in Christianity.   

The life and ministry of Jesus provides a model for life action of Christians. This is reflected in the Christian ethos of ‘agape,’ love which is selfless, sacrificial, and unconditional. Essentially, Christians are encouraged to enjoy sexual relations within the confines of a loving, adult, heterosexual, married relationship. Therefore, having sexual intercourse with anyone else other than your spouse is considered a great sin according to Christianity. However, adultery is described not just physical, but can happen in your mind, with the internet, magazines, movies, or people. As expressed in the Bible, Matthew 5:27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” The Ten Commandments also forbid lust through “you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife,” (Exodus 20:17). Therefore, as marriage is sacred, being faithful with your spouse is significant because adultery is described as an “evil action” that “defiles a person” (Matthew 15). It also violates the covenant, or contract, agreed to at the start of the marriage to bond “till death do us part.” In addition, God warns people through the Bible, “he who does so destroys his own soul” (proverbs). Hence, due to its seriousness, adultery is prohibited in all denominations.
The Beatitudes which describes a life directed towards holiness is regarded as a foundational passage for Christian ethics. Therefore, in order to maintain a state of holiness, a Christian must “flee from sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18) e.g. pre-marital sex. At the historical stage that the Bible was written, people married at a pre-pubescent or pubescent age, so their marriage coincided with their sexual activity, hence, this issue has not been directly addressed in scripture. However, the Bible does say that both, man and woman must enter within a virginal state as expressed through Leviticus 21:13 “he shall take a wife in her virginity...” Also, as sex is created by God and sanctified by marriage for the purpose of procreation, premarital sex challenges the correct functioning of this system. The Anglican Church of Australia, while discouraging pre-marital sex, condones pre-marital sex and does not exclude “sinners” from worship. They also do not have the same strong view of the prohibition of marital sex as it is allowed as long as the couple are in a long term and loving relationship. However, all Christian churches do not condone pre-marital sex. Catholic churches teach that sexual love between a man and a woman is reserved to marriage. They are completely against sex before marriage as the Church believes it contradicts moral law and the concept of procreation. Therefore, if a Catholic has sex before marriage they are excluded from the sacrament of communion.

Here is your work with my annotations made in bold font:
Spoiler
Christian sexual ethics surround the idea of the right relationship with God, the right relationship with others and oneself. YEEE-HAA! Now we are talking :) As Christian adherents believe sexuality to be a gift from a loving god, God blesses the practice of sexual intimacy inside a monogamous, heterosexual marriage. That is, adherents believe sex is sanctified by marriage for the sole purpose of procreation. Therefore, sexual immoralities such as adultery and pre-marital sex are non-permissible in Christianity. 

The life and ministry of Jesus provides a model for life actions of Christians. This is reflected in the Christian ethos of ‘agape,’ love which is selfless, sacrificial, and unconditional. Essentially, Christians are encouraged to enjoy sexual relations within the confines of a loving, adult, heterosexual, married relationship. Therefore, having sexual intercourse with anyone else other than your spouse is considered a great sin according to Christianity (Here, I would specify the exact location of your argument. The Bible? Church documents? Encyclicals (although they are more Catholic)?. However, adultery is described not just physical, but can happen in your mind, with the internet, magazines, movies, or people. As expressed in the Bible, Matthew 5:27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” The Ten Commandments also forbid lust through “you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife,” (Exodus 20:17). Perfect! The 10 Commandments is a core source of ethics in Christianity.Therefore, as marriage is sacred, being faithful with your spouse is significant because adultery is described as an “evil action” that “defiles a person” (Matthew 15).(These quotes are awesome) It also violates the covenant, or contract, agreed to at the start of the marriage to bond “till death do us part.” (Now, not all marriages say this in the ceremony. If you can link it to a Church doc that says that it should be stated, that's even better! In addition, God warns people through the Bible, “he who does so destroys his own soul” (proverbs). Hence, due to its seriousness, adultery is prohibited in all denominations. At the end of the introduction I was left wishing that I had more of a fleshing out of what the right relationship with God, others and yourself means. I thought, mm, maybe it will be in the next paragraph. Not yet. I will comment on this at the end :)
The Beatitudes which describes a life directed towards holiness is regarded as a foundational passage for Christian ethics. YAY!!! Source of ethical teachings!Therefore, in order to maintain a state of holiness, a Christian must “flee from sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18) e.g. pre-marital sex. At the historical stage that the Bible was written, people married at a pre-pubescent or pubescent age, so their marriage coincided with their sexual activity, hence, this issue has not been directly addressed in scripture. Awesome!However, the Bible does say that both, man and woman must enter within a virginal state as expressed through Leviticus 21:13 “he shall take a wife in her virginity...” Also, as sex is created by God and sanctified by marriage for the purpose of procreation, premarital sex challenges the correct functioning of this system. The Anglican Church of Australia, while discouraging pre-marital sex, condones pre-marital sex and does not exclude “sinners” from worship. They also do not have the same strong view of the prohibition of marital sex as it is allowed as long as the couple are in a long term and loving relationship. However, all Christian churches do not condone pre-marital sex. Catholic churches teach that sexual love between a man and a woman is reserved to marriage. They are completely against sex before marriage as the Church believes it contradicts moral law and the concept of procreation. Therefore, if a Catholic has sex before marriage they are excluded from the sacrament of communion.

Okay, so this is sooooo much better! You should feel really pleased. Still, there is a tendency to not exactly flesh out the ethical teachings enough.

So, you need to consistently link things to the three right relationships. This is as simple as saying a Bible quote, expressing the ethics taught their, then saying that by following this Biblical instruction, Christians maintain a correct relationship with God. By entering a marriage virginal, as directed by the Bible, they are maintaining the right relationship with each other because they have respected themselves and their partners in the eyes of a Christian view. And ultimately, by following these ethical decisions and returning to the sources of teachings, Christians are maintaining the right relationship with themselves because their spiritual mind is in touch with their actions. Obviously, you'd need to tidy this up to add to a response   :P

A 6 marker shouldn't be long. So if you have to cut something, make it an example of ethics in practice.

The three types of right relationships should be maintained in each paragraph. Also, the Commandment of Love is so important. Add that in there with good insight and then you've ticked the boxes of Bible, Beatitudes, 10 Commandments, Commandment of Love! Beautiful! So, you're nearly there. There is a little waffle. To stop this, make sure that every point you make directly relates a source of ethical teaching, an ethical teaching and then only if you really want to, an ethical teaching in practice! The application of teachings shouldn't saturate your response :) You should be saturating it explaining the ethical teachings! That needs far more prevalence :)
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Lucienne.pacifique

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #25 on: March 25, 2016, 08:55:56 am »
Hi! love what you're doing here. Could you please give me some feedback on this essay i did for bioethics?


Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,” and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.                                                                                        Romans 13:8-10
 

Describe Christian ethical teachings on ONE of the following;
- Sexual Ethics
- Bioethics
- Environmental Ethics

 
Christian ethical teachings have great importance for the adherents. As represented in Romans 13: 8-10 the scriptures are provided as the sources of ethical teachings and provide ethical guidelines for adherents along with the Authority of the Church.  The ethical teachings also provide a guide when considering bioethical issues such as IVF, Stem Cell Research and Euthanasia.
 
Christian ethical teachings outline the reasons and provide a stance regarding Stem Cell Research. There are two types of stem cells that can be used to assist the treatment of medical conditions such as heart disease and neurological diseases and they are Embryonic Stem Cells and Adult Stem Cells. Embryonic Stem Cells involves harvesting of cells from an embryo. In order to harvest the cells, the embryo is destroyed; therefore all Christian churches are against this method of harvesting stem cells. The reasons for this are represented within the ethical teachings of Christianity. Firstly represented in the scripture, Jeremiah 1:4-5, which states “Now the word of the Lord came to me, saying, ”Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is again represented in the Catechism of the Catholic Church #2270, which states, “Human life must be respected and protected absolutely from the moment of conception”. As a response the leaders from the main Christian churches, made a statement regarding this issue, “Our community must determine appropriate standards for medical research involving human subjects. We ask our political leaders to have regard for the sacredness of all human beings, of whatever level of maturity, dependency or ability. We ask them to support adult stem cell research and to reject a policy of destroying some to treat others”. The ethical teachings therefore oppose the action of embryonic stem cell research thus making the process immoral according to the Christian Church and all its variants. Therefore, Christian ethical teachings provide guidance when considering Embryonic Stem Cell treatment.
 
Moreover, the ethical teachings also relate to Euthanasia. All Christian churches reject Euthanasia, the argument being that God is the author of all life and to take life is to challenge the divine plan of the creator. This Christian ethical teaching is underpinned by the notion of the sanctity of life. This is primarily represented in the Ten Commandments, which gives evidence of the immoral nature according to Christians. The 5th commandment states, “Thou shall not kill”. Furthermore, Christ’s commandment of love: “If one loves one’s neighbour as oneself then the taking of life is not possible”, thus meaning that it is not appropriate to assist in Euthanasia. The Anglican Church’s response outlines the Christian churches overall response as the 2010 General Synod of Australia of the Anglican Church affirms the sanctity of life, that life is God’s gift and that our task is to protect, nurture and sustain life to the best of our ability. It also notes that, when adequate palliative care, symptom control and psychosocial support is available and accessible, only a tiny minority of those accessing such support express a preference for euthanasia. Thus, through the link of Christian ethical teachings, Euthanasia is opposed of.
 
Finally, through introspection of scripture, most Christian denominations oppose IVF. In vitro fertilization is the technique that fertilizes the woman’s egg outside of the body. Fertilised embryos are transferred 5 days later into the uterus in attempt to receive a successful pregnancy. This bioethical issue varies from other as only some Christian denominations are opposed to IVF. Variants such as Anglican are not completely opposed to IVF if it is within a marriage between a man and a woman and does not include a third party. However, the Roman Catholic Church verifies their stance through scripture. Firstly, in Genesis 1:27-28, which states, “Made in the image and likeness of God, be fruitful and multiply” and furthermore in Mark 10:9-10, “The two are no longer to but one flesh”. This text supports the sanctity of marriage and confirms the fact that interference in the marriage act by outsiders is not permissible. Within the variant’s responses, the Roman Catholic Church has adopted the strictest position, opposing all forms of IVF and artificial insemination within and outside the marriage relationship. It states three reasons for its position. This includes, removing conception from the sexual act of love separates the procreative and unitive purposes of married human sexuality, foetal manipulation and experimentation violate human dignity and right to life of the embryos that are either implanted in the mother’s uterus, or destroyed by foetal reduction and IVF procedures violate the principle of stewardship by entrusting the life and identity of the embryo to the power of medical professionals. Therefore concluding, that ethical teachings provide a stance on the bioethical issue of IVF.
 
In essence, ethical teachings are held relevant. As represented within Romans 13: 8-10, Christian ethical teachings hold relevance to the lives of adherents, whereby they must consider them when undertaking life decisions. Thus, Christian denominations have applied this when considering bioethical issues.

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #26 on: March 26, 2016, 01:18:40 am »

Hi! love what you're doing here. Could you please give me some feedback on this essay i did for bioethics?

Hey there Lucienne! Welcome to the forums, I'd love to give you some feedback!  ;D I've attached it in a spoiler below with some comments throughout.

However, I want to start by saying that I'm not marking this with respect to the question. The question asks for a description, I would never expect you to have to write an essay on a describe question. Not enough to work with! You'll get something like explain or analyse, or perhaps even assess. So, I'm just going to read the essay and mark it on its merits, I hope that is okay!  ;D

Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,” and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.                                                                                        Romans 13:8-10

Describe Christian ethical teachings on Bioethics
 
Spoiler
Christian ethical teachings have great importance for the adherents. As represented in Romans 13: 8-10 the scriptures are provided as the sources of ethical teachings and provide ethical guidelines for adherents along with the Authority of the Church.  The ethical teachings also provide a guide when considering bioethical issues such as IVF, Stem Cell Research and Euthanasia.I love that you are clearly setting out the argument here! For questions requiring something more than description, you would require some more detail, perhaps an assessment for how relevant the teachings are for the modern adherent? This works great as a skeleton, add what you need to address a more complex question and you are set!
 
Christian ethical teachings outline the reasons and provide a stance regarding Stem Cell Research. I would be keen to see something more here, try linking to the adherent like you did in the introduction! There are two types of stem cells that can be used to assist the treatment of medical conditions such as heart disease and neurological diseases and they are Embryonic Stem Cells and Adult Stem Cells. Embryonic Stem Cells involves harvesting of cells from an embryo. In order to harvest the cells, the embryo is destroyed; therefore all Christian churches are against this method of harvesting stem cells. This description of embryo cells is a little unnecessary for the essay, keep the focus on the ethics themselves! The reasons for this are represented within the ethical teachings of Christianity. Firstly represented in the scripture, Jeremiah 1:4-5, which states “Now the word of the Lord came to me, saying, ”Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is again represented in the Catechism of the Catholic Church #2270, which states, “Human life must be respected and protected absolutely from the moment of conception”. As a response the leaders from the main Christian churches, made a statement regarding this issue, “Our community must determine appropriate standards for medical research involving human subjects. We ask our political leaders to have regard for the sacredness of all human beings, of whatever level of maturity, dependency or ability. We ask them to support adult stem cell research and to reject a policy of destroying some to treat others”. The ethical teachings therefore oppose the action of embryonic stem cell research thus making the process immoral according to the Christian Church and all its variants. Therefore, Christian ethical teachings provide guidance when considering Embryonic Stem Cell treatment.You are incorporating teachings into your paragraph extremely well! Again, try linking to the adherent a little more. Your specific question didn't demand it, but almost every essay will, be sure to discuss in detail how the teachings impact on the adherent (EG - examples of how they could be used to resolve ethical dilemmas or more intricate details, would someone who undergoes stem cell treatment be forgiven by the Church community? What is the more important?).
 
Moreover, the ethical teachings also relate to Euthanasia. All Christian churches reject Euthanasia, the argument being that God is the author of all life and to take life is to challenge the divine plan of the creator. This Christian ethical teaching is underpinned by the notion of the sanctity of life. This is more like what I would like to see in paragraph one! You are doing more than just listing the teachings, you are EXPLAINING them, which is awesome! This is primarily represented in the Ten Commandments, which gives evidence of the immoral nature according to Christians. The 5th commandment states, “Thou shall not kill”. Furthermore, Christ’s commandment of love: “If one loves one’s neighbour as oneself then the taking of life is not possible”, thus meaning that it is not appropriate to assist in Euthanasia. The Anglican Church’s response outlines the Christian churches overall response as the 2010 General Synod of Australia of the Anglican Church affirms the sanctity of life, that life is God’s gift and that our task is to protect, nurture and sustain life to the best of our ability. It also notes that, when adequate palliative care, symptom control and psychosocial support is available and accessible, only a tiny minority of those accessing such support express a preference for euthanasia. Thus, through the link of Christian ethical teachings, Euthanasia is opposed of. This paragraph is fantastic! Great explanation of Euthanasia. Again, try to link to the adherent a little more. What ethical principles should the modern Christian apply when considering a situation involving Euthanasia? Are the teachings relevant, or somewhat ineffective?
 
Finally, through introspection of scripture, most Christian denominations oppose IVF. In vitro fertilization is the technique that fertilizes the woman’s egg outside of the body. Fertilised embryos are transferred 5 days later into the uterus in attempt to receive a successful pregnancy. Again, explanation not necessary (beyond perhaps that first sentence, very basic is okay! This bioethical issue varies from other as only some Christian denominations are opposed to IVF. Variants such as Anglican are not completely opposed to IVF if it is within a marriage between a man and a woman and does not include a third party. However, the Roman Catholic Church verifies their stance through scripture. I love that you are going into denominational differences, it is tough to do, but you are making nice comparisons!! Firstly, in Genesis 1:27-28, which states, “Made in the image and likeness of God, be fruitful and multiply” and furthermore in Mark 10:9-10, “The two are no longer to but one flesh”. What ethical principles do these relate to? This text supports the sanctity of marriage and confirms the fact that interference in the marriage act by outsiders is not permissible. Within the variant’s responses, the Roman Catholic Church has adopted the strictest position, opposing all forms of IVF and artificial insemination within and outside the marriage relationship. It states three reasons for its position. This includes, removing conception from the sexual act of love separates the procreative and unitive purposes of married human sexuality, foetal manipulation and experimentation violate human dignity and right to life of the embryos that are either implanted in the mother’s uterus, or destroyed by foetal reduction and IVF procedures violate the principle of stewardship by entrusting the life and identity of the embryo to the power of medical professionals. I like that you are bringing in the ethical principles (right to life, human dignity). Maybe try linking to the specific differences in ethics between Anglicans and Catholics which causes these different stances? Therefore concluding, that ethical teachings provide a stance on the bioethical issue of IVF.This conclusion could be stronger, maybe try linking to the adherent? "Therefore, the adherents of the various Christian denominations are enabled to make informed decisions through ethical principles relevant to their individual beliefs." Something like that?
 
In essence, ethical teachings are held relevant. As represented within Romans 13: 8-10, Christian ethical teachings hold relevance to the lives of adherents, whereby they must consider them when undertaking life decisions. Thus, Christian denominations have applied this when considering bioethical issues. A solid conclusion. Again, your conceptual base could be a little stronger, but this would come with specifically answering whatever question you were given/

This essay has awesome structure and great examples from sacred texts! You make comparisons between denominations really well (hard to do), and you've explained the teachings in places as well.

As I mentioned above, giving you places to improve here is hard, because you definitely answered the describe question. However, an essay will almost definitely ask you to do more.

I'd see two more areas in which you might need to add a little more detail. The first is explaining the teachings. This means, okay, we have a teaching on Euthanasia, but it is based on the ethical principles of the sanctity of life and human dignity. This shows that not only have you considered the teachings, but where they have come from. This would be necessary in an explain question.

Further, an essay question will quite often ask you to make an assessment or discussion of the importance of the ethical teachings for the adherent. You are already linking to the adherent in places, but be sure to make it the focus of your essay if necessary! This would simply be done by taking an ethical teaching, explaining the principle, and making an observation as to how it is applied in modern situations. EG - The Christian principle of agape, as preached by Christ in "INSERT SCRIPTURE", is notable in the more 'lenient' response of newer Christian denominations to abortion, such as protestant churches. I've identified a principle, shown where it appears, then how it manifests today. That is where you need to go next to push your essay higher.

These are the two areas I'd recommend exploring some more in your essay. Saying that, this is a fantastic base with some great examples. Well done!  ;D

Scarlet

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #27 on: March 26, 2016, 11:45:00 pm »
Hi ! I have a not quite finished response here that I need some feedback on.
I'm not sure if i'm answering the question at all and I don't know if it will achieve 7/7 marks.
Also would it be better to focus on two ethical teachings on my two bioethics or should I have a range ?
P.S I'm pretty sure my response is way toooo long and i'm working on cutting it down.

Thanks !!
« Last Edit: March 31, 2016, 11:16:19 am by Scarlet »

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #28 on: March 29, 2016, 06:32:39 pm »
Hi ! I have a not quite finished response here that I need some feedback on.
I'm not sure if i'm answering the question at all and I don't know if it will achieve 7/7 marks.
Also would it be better to focus on two ethical teachings on my two bioethics or should I have a range ?
P.S I'm pretty sure my response is way toooo long and i'm working on cutting it down.

Thanks !!

Hi Scarlet!

Okay, so I’ve read over your response. Since you’ve password protected your file I’m going to assume that you don’t want it viewed by the public. I can give you some general feedback just this once, but to make full use of the service next time, you’ll have to allow everyone to view the response! Don’t worry, it is still definitely YOUR work, you are just contributing it as a tool for everyones learning, and in exchange, you get some awesome feedback! Win win  ;D

So, now to feedback. This is a GREAT response, if only too long (which you’ve said you’ll work on, for 7 marks you are aiming for about 1-1.5 written pages). To help you with cutting some words out, remember the focus of the question is on EXPLANATION of ethical teachings. What this means is, for example, “WHY are the ethical teachings the way they are for abortion?"

The focus for this question is the PRINCIPLES, rather than the teachings. The core values of Judaism which are then applied to Bioethics; you are explaining WHY these core values have resulted in the current teachings.

You are already doing this, so yes, you are answering the question. For example, when you discuss the teachings of Tikkun Olam, and the “principles of Bioethics,” you are explaining the reasons behind the teachings. Brilliant! There were, however, one or two spots in the response where you give a teaching without touching on the reasons for said teaching. Instead of explaining, you are instead just describing. Taking out that sort of irrelevant information could help you cut back your word limit. You could also take out the introduction if necessary.

An alternative structure could be:

PARAGRAPH ONE: One major aspect of Jewish bioethics is the principle that “all life belongs to God.” This principle is enshrined in sacred text (insert quote), and manifests in a variety of ethical teachings. For example, the Jewish ethical stance on abortion…"

PARAGRAPH TWO: Another major aspect of Jewish bioethics is...

Doing this would cut some words and shift the focus to the principles. Totally not necessary, just an idea if this structure proves difficult to cut down. It would also allow you to include more issues, but I think this structure works well also. Much a personal preference.

All in all, an absolutely wonderful response. I'm be thinking it close to 7/7, but not quite, maybe a 6/7? Ensuring you focus on EXPLANATION of the REASONS for each ethical stance will push you to a 7/7. Great work!  ;D

vwarner

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #29 on: March 30, 2016, 10:30:48 am »
Hi, I was wondering if you could mark my religion essay on Maimonides.
I know my essay is too long so could I have help on cutting down my words?
Thank you so much!  :)