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Author Topic: Poet's Well-being Journal  (Read 71315 times)

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Poet

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Poet's Well-being Journal
« on: February 24, 2018, 11:35:59 am »
+24
Well, hello! I'm Poet, the weird one with a penchant for music, art and philosophy. 8)

To be honest, I'm a little scared to begin this thread, but I feel I need to. It'll motivate me.
I'm a bit late to the party, but we'll call it fashionable. I'm currently in year 12, stressed, fairly put-out and honestly just really tired. Come to think of it, that's probably a description of a large percentage of the VCE population. ;)

My mission; to get through life, to keep running. My goal; to find the meaning of this damn marathon.

I ran out of paper in my journal the other day, and I can’t be bothered getting another book, so I’ll just write all of my stupid fancies right here. Maybe if I show the world how I feel, someone can answer my call? Anyway, it’s a first for me. :)

The following posts will be my personal journey, my thoughts and maybe even a little bit of poetry (hence the username!) It feels terribly narcissistic of me, doesn’t it? So…
Feel free to comment on anything I say. This thread isn’t just about me. If anyone has anything at all they want to say about their own life, what irks them, what inspires them in accordance to something I've mentioned, please feel free to write down your thoughts, your best times and your worst. The only rule here is no judgments, please.  :)

So, here goes. In I dive…


edit: Please realise that this is something personal and I am straining to be completely and utterly honest about my feelings and thoughts. It can get pretty dark at times, so please be careful not to fall into a melancholy mood by reading this. In fact, if you're prone to that, don't read this at all.
« Last Edit: July 10, 2018, 01:52:41 pm by secretly_a_poet »
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Poet

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2018, 01:49:08 pm »
+11
We create things to watch them grow, Ruin, she said. To take pleasure in seeing that which we love become more than it was before. You said that you were invincible – that all things break apart. All things are Ruined. But there are things that fight against you – and the ironic part is, you can’t even understand those things.
Love. Life. Growth.
The life of a person is more than the chaos of its passing. Emotion, Ruin. This is your defeat
.”
- Hero of Ages, Brandon Sanderson.

Ruin has touched my life more than once. Ruin has touched us all. Its icy claws scrape at our insides, damaging the very core of who we are.
Some worse than others.
It’s part of us as a race, part of humanity. Preservation, and Ruin. Two opposites, yet, at the same time, parallels. Life and death. Love and hate. I’m in so much pain so much of the time, and right now I feel like the darkness, the Ruin, is sinking its claws into me again. I thought I was home free, but now I feel caged, “Caught as a bird once free”.
Spiralling.
I would like to tell myself that it will pass, but after almost three years of chronic anxiety and depression, I know it will be a struggle to pull myself back up. All I can think about is the Ruin I bring to myself and to others, and how much I hate it. How much I hate myself.
I try so hard to be the person I think I should be; cheerful, helpful, loving. I try to act like I’m not selfish, like I’m not just looking for a way to pull myself up, to keep my head above the water.

Where will I be in a year’s time? Once I’m done with this goal of finishing my last year of schooling, will I realise what all of this sweat, all of these tears, are truly for? I work so hard, and for what? I’m still running, for which purpose?
I think I have part of an answer. Maybe.
Maybe I do it for others?
I cannot find a meaning in my own life but to hold others up, even if that very action pushes me under once again. Is it selfish, to want those I support to save me, even as they turn their backs? I feel selfish, even with the knowledge that every time I’ve held onto someone, they’ve hurt me almost beyond repair.

But back to this quote, I wonder; what is my defeat? Is it my own emotion? How will I overcome these walls I’ve surrounded myself with? Walls I’ve built up due to the pain I’ve experienced? They’re questions I continue to ponder, questions that hamper me, but also keep me sane.
So, until next time.

“If you want love, you gon' have to go through the pain
If you want love, you gon' have to learn how to change
If you want trust, you gon' have to give some away
If you want love, if you want love.”
- NF, If You Want Love.

Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Poet

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #2 on: February 26, 2018, 07:57:27 pm »
+5
"Me and all my friends
We're all misunderstood
They say we stand for nothing and
There's no way we ever could
Now we see everything that's going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it

So we keep waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change"

- John Mayer, Waiting on the World to Change.
Spoiler

So, why do we wait? Why do we stand where we are, when we know that nothing will change if we don't use are own hands to forge the things we want and need? This is my guilt today. To know that, even though I am so privileged, so conscious of what is around me, so capable, I still do nothing to help.
Nothing to improve the my own situation, the situations of those around me.
The situation the world is in.
Well, as good as nothing.
I have no idea what I could do to make a *significant* impact, but I do know I could do something little. To give aid to those who need it. This is my goal. To rise above the lethargic insensitivity, perhaps even ignorance, that affects so many of us.
My mother has always held onto a picture of our sponsor child in Nicaragua as some of the good she does. I've volunteered to hand out food and supplies to the homeless in Melbourne city. All of these little gifts, these pieces of ourselves, our monies and our time, all add up into something wonderful, but... is it really enough? Is some meager hour per one-in-fifty people really enough to make a change in the world? I'm not sure, but I do want to hear others' opinions on this matter. Do you think what we do at the moment is truly enough?
« Last Edit: May 01, 2018, 08:46:59 pm by secretly_a_poet »
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

prickles

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #3 on: February 26, 2018, 09:09:20 pm »
+2
I love how deep your thoughts are in this journal and how well you link them to issues and events that affect everyone's life. Keen to read more!

Poet

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #4 on: February 27, 2018, 08:50:26 pm »
+6
I love how deep your thoughts are in this journal and how well you link them to issues and events that affect everyone's life. Keen to read more!

Thank you, Prickles. It means a lot to me to know that others appreciate my deepest thoughts. :)

On a weirder, more existential note:

Today, I ponder something strange. There is no true song for what I feel. I usually have an appropriate one running about in my cranium, but this time it's empty of emotion and lyrics. Perhaps what's coming is too sensitive a topic for singing.
(This is your first and only warning: this is kind of a dark post. Don't read it if you don't feel like getting thrown into a really strange place.)

Today I ponder blood. There is no song for blood. Not for me.
It's so red, so bright with life, and yet red itself is the colour of anger, aggression, pain and distaste. Is this to deter us from seeing it? Is there an Almighty Creator who made it this way, was this coincidence by chance, or have we developed our feelings towards the colour red because of blood itself, and the dangers of its exposure?

I've been thinking about some really strange things lately; blood and religion. Religion and sacrifice. Sacrifice and selflessness. Selflessness and faith. Faith and blood. Circles, round and round in my head, like a Shakespearean tragedy. Coming from a Christian household, I've experienced faith. I know its security, the comfort a person can fall back on with the knowledge that, whatever happens, it is the decision of an ultimate power.
I no longer have this security, and I flounder. Especially when I see other's peace and contentment with their own situations. I guess it’s jealousy. I know what they have in their faith, I still go to church every week with my family. I see it in so many people. My parents (I have 2 of them, devout), my siblings (I have 4 of them, all devout), my acquaintances (I currently lack friends), the people I’m around and have been around every day of my young life. But I can’t have what I want to. I don’t believe that there is any form of ‘Being’ out there who can be capable of looking after me, of all people. I’m so hopeless – I do what I shouldn’t over and over again, I push away those who care for me time and time again. I’m not deserving of anyone’s love, let alone a supposedly perfect eternal Being. I want to find something, someone to lean on, but I’m afraid that I will blame everything that has happened to me on them as well.

I turn 18 in, what, three weeks? (March 20th, week 8. I have 3 SACs on that day, so it helps me remember.) And what have I done in my lifetime? Some people get shot through the head, survive out of sheer will, and make whole nations stand for their cause before their 18th. Some people have already made it as celebrities, singers and those who inspire, those who build, not tear down. Some are child prodigies, some geniuses, some lovers and some haters. I feel like everybody has their purpose but… me.

So, what am I doing with my life? I don’t feel like I’ve done anything. I don’t feel like I am anything. I lost my purpose when I lost my faith in a God that allowed me to be abused, a God that brought people into my life who would tear down every wall I had built up, get me to trust, and then pour kerosene on my very soul and set it on fire, leaving it to burn. I hate them, but I hate the God I trusted above all for letting that happen to me not once, not twice, but three times now. Three times where the people I loved, I still love despite myself, have turned around and shown their true faces, who have stabbed me through the heart and left me to bleed. Was I just too trusting? Yes, I was. But does anyone in a church really expect three child predators in a row to latch onto their child, in an environment as supposedly “safe” as a church? You see what I mean about “coincidence”.
But whose fault is that? Me, as a 13 year old, a 15 year old and then a 17 year old? The people who hurt me? My parents, for raising me into someone so trusting and loving? Or a God up in the clouds somewhere?

Why me?

I don’t know, and I hate not knowing. So I distract myself with music, with art, with work, with schooling as I fight to find meaning in something as feeble as a life like mine.
I guess I want to be able to trust again, even if I know that it will hurt me. I just wish life wasn’t so complicated. I wish I got a better lot, but if I don’t take it all, who else will be beaten down so hard they can’t even use the support of the faith they were born into?

So I think about red, an unfortunate, angry colour. My blood is all I am, a beating heart its pump. A mechanical cycle supporting a fragile body. A body that barely has the motivation to live right now, let alone forgive and forget. I will never forget what those men did to me, what they turned me into. Maybe my lack of forgiveness holds me back from a faith that tells you to “turn the other cheek”, but I cannot bring myself to forgive men who have red blood as mine. Red blood that can be flawed beyond belief.
And I cannot forgive any God who made these monsters of men.

And the circles in my head keep going, round and round and round.

PS: Damn, I’m depressing… sorry guys. I’ll delete the thread if anyone finds it too disturbing, but this is my journal now. I’m just writing my thoughts down.
« Last Edit: February 27, 2018, 09:24:44 pm by secretly_a_poet »
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Poet

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2018, 04:42:02 pm »
+5
So...
Sorry about the full-blown essay on the messed-up aspects of my life from yester-night.
Today I'm a bit better. I talked to my Biology teacher (amazingly wise man, awesome teacher, great confidante) and he made me feel a bit better about my mortality. Came home and ate cheese with Ritz crackers for afternoon tea. Thought it would help me focus but now my tummy is singing ‘kumbaya, lord, I want more’ instead of 'kumbaya, lord, kumbaya' and it’s really difficult to concentrate.
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Poet

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #6 on: March 01, 2018, 09:39:20 pm »
+2
"We came out of the cinema
We were rubbing our eyes
Our mouths were dry from the sugar and the popcorn
And we felt a little guilty
About spending that whole sunny day inside
The movie we were watching
About Bonnie & Clyde
They were driving down a backroad
They thought they were home free
The police knew they were coming
They were hiding in the trees
And they shot 'em down
One hundred and thirty rounds
They shot 'em down

So we might as well say
What's on our minds
'Cause there's no waiting, no
When it's your time to go
When it's your time to go"


I love, love LOVE Vance Joy's new album; Nation of Two. His new songs are so poignant and beautiful, and this song, Bonnie & Clyde, is one of my personal favourites. Not just because of his voice, the chords strummed on that guitar, but also the message in this song: you never know when it's your time to go. You never know when you'll leave everything behind, so you might as well do the best you can with the time you've got.

This has been an idea I've struggled with a lot. We just go through the same routines, hour after hour, day after day, but we never really go anywhere. It's a rare person who actually does something significant every day of their life. But should I really feel bad to be one of the crowd, instead of one of the few?
I want to make a change before it's my time to go.
Now I just have to think really, really hard about what that change is.
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Poet

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2018, 03:33:58 pm »
+9
So, call me old-fashioned, but I sort of like gardening. The sunshine, the plants, and yes, even the bugs. Unless they're spiders or earwigs. *shivers*
Anyway, lately my cucumber plants have been yielding vast amounts of, well, cucumbers. The chilies are reddening, the pumpkins are ripening and I can't seem to get the apples up and running, but that's okay, I'm going to grab a crab-apple tree at some point. I'm not sure what the strawberries are up to, but the buggers are spreading everywhere.

Then there's the sunflowers.
I love sunflower seeds, and we have the native birds (cockatoos, rosellas, lorikeets, and a heck of a lot of pigeons and doves) that love them too. The sunflowers themselves are huge, glorious bundles of bright yellow, of joy. When I first started growing them, I thought they'd never die.
But after only a few days their beauty fades, and they wilt, their heavy heads tilted down and their thick, vibrant stalks paling to a sickly greenish-yellow. Their broad leaves eaten away by the pests of the garden. Things that live off of the lives of others.

So, what is their purpose? To live, of course. Is that not the purpose of everything in this world? To live a good life?
It's what I used to think.
But then... why do they die so quickly? They live so brilliantly, so beautifully, and then they just... die.
I sit here contemplating the outer beauty of these plants, and how temporary it is. I guess beauty is temporary in everything; eventually, all fades to dust. Flowers included. But then, after a few weeks of seeing only death and disappointment in something I worked so hard to maintain, something wonderful happens: The seeds, hidden in the corpse of something that was once beautiful and alive, become large and distinct, ready to fall to the fertile ground and grow once again.
And then I realised; no, the purpose of these plants and their brightness, the joyful yellow of their petals, was not for beauty's sake; it was for the next generation. Out of one plant, a thousand more fall and grow. And out of those, hundreds of thousands. But the brightness and the joy of these flowers was to attract pollinators; bees, ants, flies, and more, things that would give life to the future generation of the plant. That thought hit me really hard. The fact that animals and plants, in their struggle to survive, find ways to carry on the generations of their species, to help little pieces of themselves survive.
The purpose of their lives is not for themselves, it's for others they don't even know. Their children.

I know I'm personifying sunflowers, but it's for a point. I guess I just realised that, as a race, us as human beings are selfish. We care more about our own survival, our own personal gain, than the gain of those in the future, or those around us. Not many of us are willing to pay the ultimate price, give all of our energy and resources until the point of death, to others. We can try, but ultimately we as a race follow self-preservation, not species preservation. The world is slowly dying; faster now because of us.
Is self-preservation, a want for something more, a flaw? Or is it just our consciousness, our knowledge of our own self-worth, our intelligence and value as individuals, that makes us this way?

And why, if we have an instinctual knowledge of our personal value, why can I not feel my own worth as an individual?
I wonder.

So I'll just sit and chew in this like a cow chews its cud, over and over again.
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Poet

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #8 on: March 06, 2018, 08:35:57 pm »
+5
This entry is a lot more like a normal journal, a lot less of the normal existential mumbo-jumbo. I'm feeling pretty down-to-earth tonight.

So, some pretty good news: I did my first English SAC, a text response on 'I for Isobel' today!
This was really great, because for the past two years my English grades have slipped from A+ to Cs and Ds due to my anxiety because I would literally stare at the essay question sheet for the first ten minutes, start internally screaming and at some point start that little silent crying thing that people do at ANZAC memorials while I tried to write. I would have to stop so many times because I would lose my train of thought really quickly and start panicking, or I’d be leaking tears at an alarming rate and I’d have to wipe my eyes every two seconds. So, just finishing the essay today was a huge achievement, and I feel really uplifted and excited. For the first time in ages, I feel like maybe I can do it, and even though I feel my arguments were a bit sketchy, I didn’t even cry once! Ha! As long as I completed it, that’s good.

So, some pretty sad news: my sister has been officially diagnosed with depression.
My poor parents. They never did anything wrong, their kids are just... depressed. Like, all 5 of them, probably. :-\

This really hurts, and... I'm just writing out my thoughts as they progress... Why her? I thought I was meant to carry the weight, I thought it was my job to worry. It sounds like a selfless profession, but tbh I'm being selfish. I'm making myself feel better about my problems with the knowledge that it's "my" responsibility to think about all of the issues and problems with life, and that's why I feel like I do.
I probs just want attention. Maybe that's why I'm writing this on a public forum haha.
Great, now I feel selfish. Anyway.
She's 20 now, and in second year uni, and I love her so much. She was always the sister when we were little who would take my hand and drag me to the most exciting places. We’d get lost in the supermarket together, dance in puddles together. I have a lot of cool scars from our outdoor adventures together, but happy ones. She was always the one I looked up to; more than my mother, more than my father. My big sis was real, amazing, flawless. She was my idol. She still is, but as we got older, I realised she wasn’t flawless. She’s only two years older than me. She is still a person, albeit one that I’ve placed on a pedestal. I never really thought about the way she'd been getting quieter lately, and although I missed her when I didn't see her for days on end, I attributed it to her workload of 5 units at uni, the units of a perfect, beautiful scholarship student.
I put her on a pedestal, and she fell right off. Not in a way that she could help, of course, but in a way that made me realise, finally, that somebody I have known for my entire life is not who I thought she was. She's changed from the girl that used to yell at the bullies, hug me and tell me it was okay when I got the chicken pox.
She's grown up, and she's left me behind.
And finally, in one of the most important issues in her life, she left me out.
She knows I was diagnosed a year ago, so maybe she was afraid it would trigger me in some abstract way? Or maybe she just didn't think about me at all. I know, I know I'm just being selfish - the world doesn't revolve around me. Other people have issues of their own, worlds of their own, and I'm not involved in about 99.9999% of it all. But.
It doesn't stop it hurting, to think that she doesn't seem to really trust me anymore.
The knowledge that she was always holding me up.
And I was always pulling her down.

I just don't even know. Speculation isn't working for me. I'm devastated for her, but almost equally devastated for myself and the lack of trust, honesty and confidence I'm getting from my own sister. I don't know what to do with her anymore. I don't know what to do with myself right now, and I'm trying to study but I'm a mess.

edit: I don't feel like I'm describing it very well; I'm coming across as self-centered, but I believe it's more a feeling of abandonment. She was an anchor for me, and now I'm just bobbing aimlessly on the waves....
It's really difficult to describe.
« Last Edit: March 06, 2018, 08:49:10 pm by secretly_a_poet »
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Poet

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #9 on: March 07, 2018, 05:49:31 pm »
+6
Another journal entry. Hopefully Existential Crisis-y Poet has gone on a holiday for a little bit. She gets a little strange. :P
Then again, this is Anxious/Depressed Poet, so I'm not sure which is worse.

(ALSO THIS IS A REALLY SENSITIVE ENTRY, so just be chill 'bout it. I feel like this a lot, and I need to put it out there. I'm just spewing words onto the screen rn, PM me if you're concerned, and I'll explain in more detail or whatever.)

I had P.E. in first period today, and it was actually really creative. We did high jump and shot put in order to better understand the summation of momentum, etc.
When I was in years 7 to 9, I was always the one getting into division one high jump. Jumping was my thing, until another girl in a younger year level picked it up when I got too busy in year 10 onwards. Sure, I could run too, still can, but the jumping, that was the thing I prided myself in.
Anyway, so we got to the high jump and everyone is taking their turns over the 1200 bar, which is pretty low. I was like, “ah yes, this’ll be a piece of cake. If they can do it and I did it, it’ll be simple.” So it was my turn, and I ran up to the jump and leaped like I have done so many times, envisioning myself gliding over the bar and then…
My back hits the bar.
I fall to the mat and land in disbelief, wondering how I could miss something that was once so simple to me, and everyone else in the class seemed to be able to do. I was embarrassed, but sure it was just a fluke, so I tried again. Same result. I rolled off the mat and stood up. I looked at the jump, and how low it was, and I just lost it. I began hyperventilating and tears just started streaming down my face and I quickly walked towards the bathrooms. The teacher called out, asking if I wanted to try again, but I just shook my head. He couldn’t see me crying, and I hope nobody else did, but I barely heard him because my brain was talking. It was going, “oh, yeah, that was great. You thought you could do that, didn’t you? ‘Piece of cake’, you thought. Everyone else can do it. It’s not like you’re absolute shit at everything. It’s not like this is proof of your USELESSNESS ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME YOU BITCH? YOU DESERVE TO DIE. YOU PRIVELEGED IDIOT YOU ARE SO THICK YOU THINK YOU’RE OKAY AND YOU’RE NOT BECAUSE YOU DON’T DESERVE IT YOU’RE NOT WORTH IT WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO OVER TO THAT CORNER AND DIE IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR ALL OF US” and stuff along those lines, just more… violent.
High jump isn't fun anymore, to say the least, haha.

It’s in these times that I hate myself the most, because I feel so much like even the little things are just proof that I’m not worth it, that I don’t deserve the life I live, or to live at all. I hate feeling as if I can’t control my own thoughts, that I have to fight against them with a conscious effort, like I’m arguing with myself. I know it’s not normal, but every time I go for help, it only makes me think about it more. I've been to three separate psychs. I know.
I used my special breathing technique and stopped hyperventilating, but for the rest of the day I’ve been really fragile (I cried in English, my spare and math because I would hear someone laugh and think 'why can't I do that without faking it?') and I'm just so full to the brim with self-hatred. I hate myself. I hate the work I do. I hate that I can't be better than what I am, and even when I try I'm still mediocre. In the things that I got inspiration from just yesterday, I look at and just know that it's not enough, that I'm not enough. That anything of beauty or worth is not meant for 'someone like me'.
Now, I know logically that this isn't true, and that constantly obsessing about my own situation and internal insults isn't going to help anyone, most of all me. But emotionally, this is where I am. I feel like I have no-one to hold onto, and those I thought could have helped me last year betrayed my trust for no particular reason.
I have no answers, no conclusions, and it's driving me crazy.
I just want it to stop.

I do have to wonder, however, if anyone feels the same way, or has felt that way in the past... Others have to have felt the same way... right?
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

heids

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #10 on: March 08, 2018, 05:42:55 pm »
+4
I can relate to a hell of a lot of this.  My thoughts are equally dark, equally bloody, and equally existential-crisisy.   My brain, too, shouts at me: "YOU DESERVE TO BE SLICED INTO SEVEN HUNDRED PIECES AND FED TO THE DOGS! DIE!!!" when I do or think the slightest thing wrong.  You're definitely not alone in this haha.
VCE (2014): HHD, Bio, English, T&T, Methods

Uni (2021-24): Bachelor of Nursing @ Monash Clayton

Work: PCA in residential aged care

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #11 on: March 10, 2018, 11:32:33 am »
+6
In response to some people's feelings about why I'm doing this, as well as a long conversation with myself, I feel as if I have to explain this journal in a bit more depth. So, here's what I have to say:
The purpose of my writing here is NOT to gain respect points, or to try and push myself into people's lives. Granted, I can feel invisible a lot of the time (doesn't everyone?), and granted, that feeling makes those respect points extra juicy (yum), but this does NOT mean that I am posting my inner world here to get respect or likes of any form.
I don't care what you think about me as a person. I don't care if you feel uncomfortable knowing that the world isn't perfect. If you don't like what I write about in this journal, don't read it. It's that simple.
ATAR Notes is a place where I can come to help others and get help myself. It's an outlet, a place where I can just breathe out all of my troubles anonymously and freely, school-related or otherwise, but also support others who do the same. I don't care about the respect, I care about lifting people up and helping them become the best students and people they can be, while at the same time benefiting from another's contributions. I should not feel like I have to justify myself and what I feel here.
To clarify, I'm not taking an aggressive stance to anybody. I'm merely stating how I feel, with the hope that people might understand that this thread is not "for the likes", it's for my own motivation and well-being, and I pray that people can comprehend that.


... *and after the rant* ...

Whell, hello. Sorry about that y'all, but it was needed.  ::)
If you've read my previous post from march 7th, you'd know that high jump is something I cannot seem to do, and I find this extremely embarrassing. So, imagine the irony when I learned that I was signed up for Open High Jump on our school's athletics day in a week... huh.
I'm also doing 100m relay, 400m, three-legged race, year 12 various joke sports, and shot put because it's my last year and I wanted to even if my arms are flippin' spaghetti and NOBODY CAN STOP ME. Also I'm 5'8 and look really angry about 94% of the time (angry is actually my thoughtful face, but meh) so nobody wants to tell me I can't do something. ;)
More updates on that in a week. We’ll see if I can get to the division competitions, huh? (LMAO as if).

Anyway, lately I’ve been feeling a lot more motivated in subjects such as Physical Education and Biology, but a lot less motivated in Further and Legal Studies, which is probably a good thing because I transferred into 3 & 4 P.E. without doing 1 & 2, and Biology is just damn complicated. But it’s also a bad thing because, well… I need to keep all of my subjects in order, not just one or two, and our teacher in Legal is a little bit… well, he’s really, really old. His voice makes me feel like going to sleep because he’s just so quiet and gentle and ANCIENT and I can never concentrate in class, which is terrible.
I’m waiting for my marks on my English essay, and I’m so stressed about the mark I’m going to get, but it should be about C+ - B worthy, so I think I’m okay.

I feel like I’m on a bit of a hiatus from all of the other weird thoughts going on in my head, and I’m glad for it. I want to keep it that way.

The events of last night: my little brother (13 y/o, bless his gangly soul) invited me to a church event that his friend invited him to in the city. The traffic in Melbourne is INSANE this weekend, with Ed Sheeran and Moomba and lord knows what else all on at the same time. So we caught a bus in with a bunch of other teenagers and met up with hundreds more and basically just vibrated and screamed a lot because the music was loud and funky and the guy on stage kept shouting “JESUS!” and the crowd would reply with “JESUS!” just ten times louder.

It was wild.
Look, I don’t count myself as Christian (see previous posts), but the atmosphere in that building was crazy. I’ve been going through the motions of going to churches and knowing the lyrics and singing and volunteering like a good little child of God for years now, but I just feel empty.
The sermon at this youth group was on how we were valued by God, and it made me really... angry. I stood and clapped and sang and moshed and waved my arms around when everyone else did, but, to be completely honest, I was furious. I was in a room full of hundreds of people my age, older, younger, and almost all of them were there because they love the God they were praising so fervently. Was I the only one there that felt like I wasn’t worth it, that - even though the preacher was telling me I was loved by the God of everything - still didn’t believe it? In fact hated the god he was praising?
The preacher told the congregation that none of us were mistakes, because we were loved by God.
Well, here’s my dilemma: If I was hated by that God, if He didn’t really care about me, then what is my life worth compared to others’?
The answer: I am nothing.

It’s times like those that I feel at my loneliest, my lowliest, because I know, I just know, that if the people in that room knew my thoughts in that moment, they would have pushed me out onto the streets and left me there in the cold. Because I realised what I was, what I am:
A pretender.
I don’t have the strength to say one or the other, or to pull away from my family’s firm beliefs. I don’t have the mental fortitude to forgive a god who lets his people hurt each other, or to deny any faith in such a god entirely.
I am lost, and no God can find me.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2018, 01:59:45 pm by secretly_a_poet »
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Poet

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #12 on: March 12, 2018, 02:41:15 pm »
+4
The following is a short poem-ish thing from the artist Peter Deligdisch. I don't know why, but it really spoke to me, so I wrote a poem in response...

Here's the original poem:

Spoiler
There was a lump that inched along,
it inched along all day.
And as it crawled it hummed a song
its song and skin were oh so grey.
I tried to ask it what was wrong,
but it could never say.
It had no mouth, it had no lungs,
and so I walked away.

So long it crawled,
so long it tried,
to reach its destination.
Its song it drawled,
It's heart, it sighed,
there was no consolation.

And here's my response:

Spoiler
Today, I stay
with this lump of grey,
bumping along on its own.
And as it bumps,
I hear its song,
its mournful, heavy tone.
I cry for this lump,
and I cry for its sadness,
the heavy tone now my own.
as I, now a lump
wonder what will become
of a heart wandering alone.

A heart like mine?
Perhaps, it's true
I'll never find a home.
But as I wander
I find a friend,
in the inching lump
of monochrome.

It's stupid, and my prose and rhythm suck, but I'm coming down with a sickness of some sort and I really do feel like a lonely, mournful grey lump today. A lump that inches along towards an unknown destination, slowly but surely.
I'm a doomed lump if I can't finish my math homework, anyway. ¯\_(⊙_ʖ⊙)_/¯
« Last Edit: March 14, 2018, 07:57:59 pm by secretly_a_poet »
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Poet

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #13 on: March 14, 2018, 07:37:15 pm »
+8
Just a short entry today, a sort of word vomit thing.  :P

Gotten through another day. Another hour. Another second. Just breathing my way through.

I was flipping casually through scans of works I had done in previous years this afternoon (I know, I should stop procrastinating, but I'm sick and tired and my motivation levels are sub-zero) and I stumbled across one I had done just after turning 15. Crazy to think that was three years ago. Anyway, I attached the scan below, and you can check it out if you want, but it's a small drawing of a male Superb Blue Wren (a.k.a. Fairy Wren), a common bird, yet extremely elusive in my efforts to photograph them; they're so quick!

The drawing isn't the best. It's simple and, (not to sound arrogant, because I'm not the best artist out there!) I've improved a lot since drawing that, but I still see it in a fond light. It's a memory of something I've almost forgotten the past few weeks, and a reminder of the joy I know in nature and my need of it to soothe me.

I drew the wren in a time when I was absolutely infatuated with birds and other wildlife. I was going through a difficult point in my life when I was only just beginning to think for myself, and realise that maybe what my parents believed didn't line up with what I knew, and my own beliefs. What I know. I have always used things like art and philosophy and reading to distract myself from my thoughts and fears, and so this obsession with birds, as a phase, was really just another thing I could use to escape my reality and my regrets.

I've been really frustrated and angry with myself lately, and I think it's due to the fact that I just haven't... breathed enough. I've been locked up indoors for weeks studying, and now I've fallen ill I'm finding it really hard to focus and concentrate, and I'm slowly falling behind in my work again. I don't want a repeat of what happened to me in years 10 and 11, but I'm beginning to see a pattern in my behaviour and my moods. From here, it's only a matter of time before I fall again. I need to find a good method of escape once again, and I want to find it in nature. Maybe I should start a thread and put some of my drawings up there. I was thinking of doing sketches again. I haven't picked up my sketch pad in weeks, so maybe just taking the time to let out what's in my head and try and depict what's around me can help me pick myself back up and keep myself accountable for work and study. What do you guys think? Maybe I can start a thread in the Creative Corner and put up my sketches, show how I'm improving?
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

PhoenixxFire

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Re: Will She Make It? Find Out Next On...
« Reply #14 on: March 14, 2018, 10:21:00 pm »
+1
What do you guys think? Maybe I can start a thread in the Creative Corner and put up my sketches, show how I'm improving?
Definitely ;D
It looks awesome.
2019: B. Environment and Sustainability/B. Science @ ANU
2020: Just Vibing
2021: B. Paramedicine/B. Nursing @ ACU Canberra