Need help with introduction

[Kombmail]

 guys with this:
Total obedience to Allah is incomplete without the literal meanings and actions of ‘iman’ (faith) and ‘islam’ ( submission)’. Without the belief in these two phrases, a Muslim cannot show true obedience to Allah. Aisha Bint Abu Bakr, the wife of Prophet Muhammad has to a great extent shown value of Allah through her development and expressions of Islam.
 my teach has written this: Introduction needs improvement
and she doesn't allow us to receive good feedback from her, only a rough estimate on what needs to be fixed.
Could a lecturer pls help me on what she meant by what I exactly need improving on in this paragraph?

thanks,
Komal:)

Mod Edit: Changed title.
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