Hey Angelina, just wanted to say thanks for the lecture yesterday it was literally a lifesaver because honestly, I've been so clueless about English lately and your lecture just simplified everything! I wanted to try out that response you set although maybe I rambled on a bit I'm not entirely sure but hopefully you get around to reading it because the feedback would be much appreciated!
Thanks again!
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Connection acts as a catalyst for human experiences in which it allows individuals to establish unfamiliar forms of perceiving the world. In turn, encouraging the audience to challenge and acknowledge a diverse range of encounters as a method of further developing one’s personal experiences.
Text 1 evidently reveals the significant impact that modern technology has had on the functions of contemporary society, in which its advancements have encouraged the disconnection of ‘authentic human connection’ in a physical sense and instead individuals have adopted a more electronic communication method as part of their differing worldly perspectives. Based on this sense of disengagement, the use of salient positioning of the sinking ship in the background expresses the substantial decrease of proper human interaction due to the interference of technology, causing individuals to experience a disconnection between their own kind in a physical sense, therefore, placing stress and despair in the emotive tone of the dialogue “Help”, further emphasising the dependency individuals have on social networking in order to communicate with other in a less ‘authentic’ way. Furthermore, the composer highlights the vector lines in correlation with the allegory portrayed in the separation of social media and technological devices from the ‘authentic human connection’ ship to illustrate the lack of physical relationships and human interactions that individuals in the modern age engage in, thus causing a state of isolation where our reliance on social media to connect with others prevails as the new societal norm and ultimately causes a detrimental impact in the way we collectively establish proper relationships based on emotional connections. Therefore, it is evident that Text 1 effectively conveys the interference of modern technology, specifically social media in the development of genuine human interactions, hence emphasising the significant contribution this has on the establishment of unfamiliar worldly perspectives and personal experiences.
Text 2 prompts the audience to expose and broaden their experiences in order to truly establish a sense of connection within one’s natural environment specifically through hiking. The use of pleonasm and repetition of ‘on’ in “To go off, on your own accord, on your own two feet, is truly a blessing.” ultimately signifies the deep value the author has of hiking and the independence an individual is able to gain from engaging in this activity, therefore properly establishing one’s true appreciation and acknowledgement as they broaden their
opportunities to connect with the beauty of nature and further develop their personal experiences in diverse encounters like hiking. Additionally, the metaphorical use of sensory visual, olfactory and auditory imagery and inclusive language evident in, “We are meant to engage with nature, the smell of trees, the sounds of birds, the rhythm of your walking - the pieces of the puzzle fit perfectly.” describes the deep connection that individuals are encouraged to express whilst being surrounded by the enjoyment and beauty of nature as it compliments the human existence by allowing individuals to recognise its deeper essence despite its appealing physical exterior such as health benefits, therefore inviting them to share this individual experience more collectively to allow others to develop a more unique interpretation of the world. Furthermore, the oxymoron and exciting tone in, “It can be a little boring at times - in the best possible way!”, highlights the common thought process/norm people believe hiking is like, however, the enthusiasm of the author’s personal experiences speaks otherwise and invites the audience to participate in this activity in order to successfully gather their own sense of appreciation and connection towards the natural environment.
Conclusively, whilst Text 1 comprehensively explores the disconnection of an individual's relationships based on the interference of modern-day technological advancements, Text 2 contrastingly demonstrates the significant influence that one’s association with unfamiliar surroundings have in discovering their sense of appreciation and value for worldly experiences. Nevertheless, both texts allow the audience to obtain relevant insight into the differentiating connection an individual establishes as a concept of their collective human experiences.
Hey, keh204!
Welcome to the forums
I'm really pleased to hear you found the lecture beneficial and hope you also find the feedback useful
Feedback- Your thesis is well-written and launches the marker right into the judgement your response is fixated on. The strength of this thesis enables you to sustain a highly convincing discussion on the prescribed focus of connection throughout. I would only point out that the second sentence technically isn't a completed sentence; it should include the subject and say something like "In turn,
Text 1 and 2 encourage the audience to challenge and acknowledge a diverse range of encounters as a method of further developing one’s personal experiences."
- Your chosen examples and associated techniques are analysed with great depth. I particularly enjoyed the pleonasm example because it is such a delightful technique to analyse. I do think you wrote far more than you might have needed to for the 8 marks so perhaps have a go writing this all out and seeing if it is feasible for you to complete a response of this length under timed conditions, especially keeping in mind that you have other questions to do as well.
- Your linking sentences are exemplar and your synthesis facilitates effective comparison at the conclusion of your response. The only suggestion I have is for the first body paragraph's linking sentence which is missing an audience impact reference but otherwise, they were next to flawless.
Feedforward- Some of your sentences are quite long which is not so much a criticism but rather an observation. When proofreading your responses under exam conditions, see whether you are able to divide some of your long sentences into two more manageable ones for the marker to read and register.
- I noticed you tried to have two techniques for the same example which is perfectly fine here and there but can be problematic because you might find yourself writing too much. Perhaps limit yourself to maybe only using two techniques for an example once in each body paragraph to show your marker you are capable of identifying more than one technique in the same quote but keep the rest simple and effective.
- To also write with more succinctness, I would encourage tidying your expression. I have a few suggestions to keep in mind! For example, "the use of" is a student favourite that I personally recommend not using because it really does not add anything to your writing. Instead of saying "The use of salient positioning...", you could simply just say "Salient positioning..." Another tendency that I also share in my writing is to include as many details as possible when you really only need to include the most important one. For example, you don't have to write out "in order to successfully gather their own sense of appreciation and connection towards the natural environment." You could just say "in order to successfully connect with the natural environment themselves." The word "appreciation" isn't wrong but it isn't as key to the sentence as everything else. Finally, you can shorten something bulky like this down to something more comprehensive and nuanced.
Student Analysis
Additionally, the metaphorical use of sensory visual, olfactory and auditory imagery and inclusive language evident in, “We are meant to engage with nature, the smell of trees, the sounds of birds, the rhythm of your walking - the pieces of the puzzle fit perfectly.” describes the deep connection that individuals are encouraged to express whilst being surrounded by the enjoyment and beauty of nature as it compliments the human existence by allowing individuals to recognise its deeper essence despite its appealing physical exterior such as health benefits, therefore inviting them to share this individual experience more collectively to allow others to develop a more unique interpretation of the world.
More Concise Version
Additionally, the sensory imagery and inclusive language evident in, “We are meant to engage with nature, the smell of trees, the sounds of birds, the rhythm of your walking - the pieces of the puzzle fit perfectly” describes the deep connection that individuals are encouraged to express whilst being surrounded nature. This allows individuals to recognise the deeper essence of their environment and, therefore, inviting them to share this individual experience to the wider world.
This comes with more timed practice where your brain is forced to automatically filter out all the extra fluff and to ensure you convey the most important information in your response.
Hope this helps and all the best with your Trials!
Angelina