Persuasive speech

[jk_meiooo]

Hi guys,
I'm talking about elders abuse in nursing houses for my English speech and would really appreciate if you could give me some suggestions and feedback.  I feel like the whole speech has to be more persuasive and maybe some word choices could be better?

Thank you xx

[caffinatedloz]

jk_meiooo,
Hello and welcome to the forums! I hope you'll stick around; they really are such a fantastic place!

I had a read over your speech. It looks great. You have a great grasp of the english language so the punctuation, spelling, grammar and sentence sturcture are all fine. However, I agree with what you said about word choice. To take your writing up a notch and increase how persuasive it is, changing some of your language could be really effective.

I've put some comments in the opening section of your speech so that you can see what I mean:

Seventy-two-year-old Terry Reeves, a victim (Just in general, things like disabilities or mental illnesses are usually not talked about in this manner. rather than using words like "victim" or "suffers" you could simply say "has". If you're fighting for the rights of people in aged care facilities, it will be effective if it sounds like you respect them.) of dementia, was found to be frequently strapped (shackled? creates a stronger image) to his chair at Garden View Nursing Home in Sydney's west, as reported by the ABC News in January this year. Records show that on one day (one occasion?) he spent fourteen consecutive hours in restraints simply because he was being “aggressive” to a male nurse (I feel like changing the way you have written this phrase could help this anecdote to be a lot more effective and paint a better image in the minds of your audience. What about saying: On one occasion, staff deemed Terry as "too aggressive" for them to handle and thought that the most appropriate way of dealing with his behaviour was to have him kept in restraints for over 14 hours. (Obviously you can and should make the language your own and as sophisticated as you like, but sophistication doesn't need to be the same as formality. Formality sounds detached and isn't all that persuaisve.)). This treatment is appalling in itself, however, Terry’s daughter was shocked to find that her father was also being chemically restrained (make sure you pause here to emphasise this) on a regular basis (and here), without her knowledge or consent. (and here)
Good evening, I’m …, and as an Australian teenager (I'm not sure why classifying yourself as an Australian teenager is necessary here.), I am here today to speak on behalf of all elders suffering at the hands of cruelty experienced in nursing houses within Australia.
Terry’s horrific experience is one of the numerous (many) cases of abuse that are occurring in nursing houses right now (as I am delivering this speech). These events have been relentlessly reported by the news in recent years without any sign of decreasingor action being taken to make a change? (perhaps add something along those lines in here). It is disgraceful to believe that the Australian government has been neglecting these heinous crimes for so long whilst numerous (copious) Australian families continue to be subjected to the harsh treatment of nursing facilities (this phrase doesn't really make sense). This situation can only be rectified through the reconsidering of the funding system (reconsidering the funding of nursing homes and elder care), ensuring the (good, comprehensive?) education and qualifications of on-site staff, as well as introducing and enforcing equivalent laws to reduce the frequency of these abusive events.

Looks great so far! Feel free to reply if you have any more questions or post any edits you make for someone to have another look at.

[Bri MT]

Hi kj_meiooo,

Welcome to the forums!

To build on what Laura said:
- A word often used to be more empowering than victim is survivor. You want not want to do this since it's not in the interest of your speech to portray Terry as empowered
- @Laura_ for copious to work there it would need to be 'copious amounts of' or similar imo numerous is fine
- In addition to pausing as Laura has indicated make sure you employ tone shifts etc. for emphasis

The main thing for you to work on in your speech imo is that your language isn't very persuasive speech-like. I don't mean that you need to go informal, but there are some common features of legal language which work against your speech. For example, you do not want to be verbose. I would challenge you to try to get your speech down to 900 words (so you are forced to make decisions on what's really important enough to stay in. You have also used passive sentence structures in a few places which diminishes how emotionally impactful your words could be.

I've left more detailed feedback in the attached document - I hope you find it useful!