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March 28, 2024, 09:27:06 pm

Author Topic: 1984 Practice Essay  (Read 1846 times)

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raghav_singh

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1984 Practice Essay
« on: December 10, 2018, 09:52:09 am »
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Hi guys would really appreciate some feedback for this first draft of 1984.

darcyynic

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Re: 1984 Practice Essay
« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2018, 10:19:59 am »
+5
Hi guys would really appreciate some feedback for this first draft of 1984.

Hi there!

Great work on this essay. You have really explored some good ideas.

I have read over your essay and have put my general advice in the spoiler:

Spoiler

- I think your introduction deals with the representation of individual and collective human experiences really well, but I would suggest trying to answer the question a little more. The question is, "To what extent is Part 1 of 1984 a representation of individual and collective human experiences" so I think a clearer judgement which refers explicitly to Part 1 as well as "to what extent" is needed. Rather than just explaining the human experiences represented, make sure to be analytical about to what extent it is represented. For example, looking at whether the individual or collective experience is represented more is a great way to elevate your judgement.

- Try to integrate your quotes. They shouldn't be separate from your paragraph. Try introducing them with phrases such as, "This is evident in the narration, (insert quote here)." By integrating them, you will demonstrate your sophistication and deep knowledge of the text, while also making it easier for the marker to read.

- I think your structure needs a little tightening. Try to aim for three or four paragraphs which each deal with separate ideas. I think your paragraphs are also a little disjointed due to the fact that the quotes are given their own line.

- I would also suggest reading through your essay and just making sure every sentence serves a purpose – answering the question. It is really easy to slip into explanation, rather than judgement.

- I really like your argument that the portrayal of Winston's individual experience is representative of the experiences of others. Maybe develop this a little more, because it's a very sophisticated idea. It is Orwell's way of using one point of view to represent the wider human experience, and the question is asking you to what extent the text is a representation of individual and collective experiences, so this argument fits perfectly.


All in all, you have some brilliant ideas about 1984. I particularly liked that you focused in on the totalitarian state and how Orwell represents its impact on individual and collective human experiences. If you need any more help, feel free to let me know.

Great work,
Darcy
HSC Class of 2018: English Advanced, English Extension 1, English Extension 2, Modern History, Ancient History, History Extension, and German Continuers.

2019: Bachelor of Arts/Bachelor of Advanced Studies (Politics and International Relations) (Dalyell Scholars) at USYD.

liladh

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Re: 1984 Practice Essay
« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2018, 11:30:06 am »
+4
Hey!

In addition to darcyynic's amazing feedback, I'd love to give you some feedback on your essay! As darcyynic discusses, your ideas are really strong, I think it is just the execution of these ideas which you could spend some time working on. My feedback is in the spoiler, and will be in red:

Spoiler
To what extent is Part 1 of Nineteen- Eighty-Four a representation of individual and collective human experience

George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four represents individual and collective human experience, through the struggles that the totalitarian society faces, which are influenced from dictatorships, such as Stalinist Russia in the 1930s. Too many commas, and this sentence doesn't reflect the extent of the representation. Perhaps switch this sentence around or start with a general thesis statement - eg. Representations of individual and collective human experience can reflect the struggles of totalitarianism, often mirroring the contextual milieu of the composer.  (This is very rough, but then you could go on to introduce 1984) and its context of Stalinist dictatorship, and how this affects the representation of human experience.
As a collective experience, the individuals in ‘Oceania’ face struggles associated with being in a dystopic society. This results in them exhibiting emotions such as paranoia, fear and lunacy. Always back up your ideas with evidence from the text! Here would be a great spot to slip in a quote and technique to support this. In addition, the individual experience represented is through Winston Smith and the struggles that he faces with not being able to succumb under the totalitarian rule. Make sure you are answering the question. In order to continually refer to the question, in this sentence you should stress the extent of the statement - how strongly does the text represent this? Winston is not able to experience a sense of companionship in a physical manner due to the restrictions of the dictatorship, (as suggested by...add evidence from the text!)  Thus, becoming the catalyst for Winston to challenge the status quo and devising a rebellion to have an increase in individuality.

The text displays the collective experience through the manipulation faced from the totalitarian rule. This is evident with the authorities being a prominent aspect of the collective experience, to the extent that worship of them is equivalent to following a religion. This is a bit finnicky but I'm unsure about authority as an aspect of the collective human experience - perhaps they are more of a regulator of the restricted human experience perpetuated by the inner party?
This is evident in the text, (this way the teacher can mark off that you are supporting your ideas with evidence) “With a tremulous murmur that sounded like “My Saviour” she extended her arms towards the screen…it was apparent that she was uttering a prayer. At this moment the entire group of people broke into a deep, slow, rhythmical chant of BB...BB.BB.”
The rhythm and repetition of ‘BB’ emphasises that the collective worships and follows the totalitarian rule and Big Brother, in order to avoid punishments such as torture through vaporisation add evidence here, maybe refer to Winston's experiences in Room 101?. This concept is a Post-Modern concern Great!!, that from the dictatorship established, such as in contextually referencing? Stalinist Russia and Nazi Germany, it must be followed to avoid challenges that are a consequence of the manipulation.

Furthermore, the issue of ignorance is portrayed in the novel, and the consequences that arise from this in the totalitarian society.(This is a paragraph/linking sentence so you must link back to the question) The Party’s slogan states:
“War is Peace
Freedom is Slavery
Ignorance is Strength.”
The paradoxical slogans present a juxtaposing concept, that with notwithout considering the struggles and the torture that the citizens of ‘Oceania’ face, it will lead in them being them to beregarded as an ideal individual leading to there being an ideal collective being present. Really strong idea here - you could discuss the figurehead Big Brother to support this as well. The issue of ignorance can be depicted with the device What sort of device? What technique?of ‘Newspeak”.
“Don’t you see that the aim of Newspeak is to narrow the range of thought? In the end we shall make thoughtcrime literally impossible, because there will be no words in which to express it.”
The idea of Newspeak is to restrict the freedom of speech of individuals.Link back to the question here. Syme states through the rhetorical question that the idea of this must be conformed to, as it is a means of manipulation.Awesome!! Thus, this concept is a major part of establishing the status quo, which is of the individual’s thoughts in the collective being regressed, and not being able to stand up to the brutality of the totalitarian rule, resulting in the demise of individuality. Great idea and well presented!
Consequently, this )What is this? Make sure you continue the concept here) becomes the catalyst and the major element that represents Winston’s individual experience, of challenging the status quo and having a rise in individuality. This is stated demonstrated by? his diary entry: “DOWN WITH BIG BROTHER”, written repeatedly. The repetition of this statement highlights the hatred that Winston has for the totalitarian rule, as it is stated on many instances which demonstrates... link back to the question here and discuss your ideas.. Although in this sequence of Winston wanting to challenge (to challenge authority?, there is elements of confusion regarding whether he should continue this process. This is because he is wary of the further struggles that he could encounter if his crime is disclosed by the Thought Police.
“For weeks past, he had been making ready for this moment…
At this moment, however, even the monologue had dried up.”
The metaphor of the ‘monologue drying up’, suggests that Winston is unable to express his thoughts, due to the fear that he is exhibiting, hence showing that he is also following the status quo and having a demise of individuality. Good ideas but you need to link back to question here.
Additionally, the idea of Winston’s desire for companionship represents his individual experience. This companionship can mainly be described in a physical manner. The desire can be depicted as being a means of rebellion, as he wants to challenge the totalitarian rule’s laws regarding physical companionship being forbidden, other than to create offspring.
“He would ravish her and cut her throat at the moment of climax. He hated her because she was young and pretty and sexless, because he wanted to go to bed with her…”.
The violent tone established can describe Winston’s lunacy in order for him to have a physical companionship. Amazing!

Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four portrays the struggles of the collective, as being part of a dystopic society, and the manipulation that they face. A status quo gets established, which cannot be challenged by the collective. Although through Winston Smith, it has been represented of the status quo being challenged, and hence being a major element of the individual experience being portrayed. (Maybe try and really include some of the great ideas you mentioned before such as the "demise of individuality", and also discuss the extent in order to answer the question!



Awesome work especially for a first draft!! Keep working and drafting and  you will have an extremely strong essay which you can be very proud of. Keep up the good work!!  :D

HSC 2018: English Advanced ✼ Ancient History (5th in the state) ✼ History Extension ✼ Society and Culture ✼ Visual Arts ✼ Japanese Continuers