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August 02, 2021, 01:02:32 pm

Author Topic: Thesis Question  (Read 1382 times)

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Julmus00

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Thesis Question
« on: August 04, 2018, 02:41:34 pm »
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Hi All, I was wondering if I could get some quick feedback on this introduction and whether the thesis effectively enagages with the question.

Thank you in advance!

Q: How do discoveries and discovering offer new understandings of ourselves and others?

Often confronting yet meaningful discoveries have the ability to provide a more enlightened understanding of the human experience and concurrently a renewed perception of one’s self through introspection. This concept of discovery is extensively examined through Ivan O’Mahoney’s unconventional docudrama “Go Back To Where You Came From” which follows a tumultuous reverse refugee journey where as a result of becoming confronted with the perils of the refugee plight, the participants  are prompted to a change in self from largely antagonistic to more empathetic views in regards to refugees. Similarly, Kate Chopin’s poignant “Story of An Hour” further encapsulates these same ideals, elucidating that due to her profound revelation of her husband’s death, it has culminated in her gaining insights into the complexities of the patriarchal society in which she lives, and consequently reinvigorating her persona to more independent and a transformed vigour for life.

holky

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Re: Thesis Question
« Reply #1 on: August 04, 2018, 03:26:24 pm »
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Q: How do discoveries and discovering offer new understandings of ourselves and others?

Often confronting yet meaningful discoveries have the ability to provide a more enlightened understanding of the human experience and concurrently a renewed perception of one’s self through introspection. I see what you're doing here, but this sentence is extremely long, and a marker who has read 10 million scripts is going to skim and get confused. Also, you're using sophisticated language and that's amazing (plus you're actually doing so correctly, which most people don't do), but, you need to engage with the exact language of the question. I know enlightened understanding and renewed perception sounds better than new understandings, but markers really like seeing the exact words of the question being used. I would suggest "new and enlightened understandings of the human experience and the self" If you're going to mention types of discoveries, I'd make that a second sentence. For example "Discoveries provide new and enlightened understandings of the human experience and the self. This is particularly true of confronting, yet meaningful discoveries which prompt introspection." This concept of discovery I would get rid of concept of discovery, it's not needed to the sentence and allows you to say the same thing in fewer wordsis extensively examined throughPersonal preference, but I feel like in is a better word than through here Ivan O’Mahoney’s unconventional docudrama “Go Back To Where You Came From” which follows a tumultuous reverse refugee journey This is a LOT of explanation. You could simplify it "which follows a tumultuous reverse refugee journey in which the participants are prompted to reevaluate their perspectives on refugees." Whilst you can't assume your marker has seen your text, I think you can expect them to be at least familiar with it, so you don't need to give them so much detail.where as a result of becoming confronted with the perils of the refugee plight, the participants  are prompted to a change in self from largely antagonistic to more empathetic views in regards to refugees. Similarly, Kate Chopin’s poignant “Story of An Hour” further encapsulates these same ideals, elucidating that due to her profound revelation of her husband’s death, it has culminated in her gaining insights into the complexities of the patriarchal society in which she lives, and consequently reinvigorating her persona to more independent and a transformed vigour for life. Okay, again a really long sentence. I don't think you need to go into so much detail. Plus, I think you're overdoing the fancy language a bit. I know how tempting it is to throw a high order word in every other word, but it has to have its place and add sophistication. The way you've used the language here will make a marker think you wrote a sentence and then used a thesaurus to make it sound smart. I suggest "Similarly, Kate Chopin's "Story of an Hour" explores similar ideals, capturing the role of discovery in CHARACTER's gained insight into the complexities of patriarchal society and thus her reinvigorated independence."

Overall, I think you have a strong thesis. It engages with the question, I'd just be careful to use the exact phrasing of the question where you can. Also, when introducing your texts, you didn't use the word discovery once, that is very important to integrate there.
It isn't clear what your arguments are, and you should try to link back to the question at the end of the paragraph, restating your thesis can help, but don't just rewrite the sentence word for word.
Good job!
2018

English Advanced  English Extension 1 Modern History CAFS Music 1 Drama

2017
Mathematics 84