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Author Topic: Essay Feedback  (Read 969 times)  Share 

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Essay Feedback
« on: June 09, 2015, 07:57:24 pm »
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Hi guys! Exams in, like, 3 days!!! Time2die.

I would really like some feedback on this creative essay. It's a bit... um... I don't know. I kinda cheated. I went a bit over 15 minutes.

Just a bit. c:

-cringes at all the obvious errors-

A question here. Are we allowed to use ellipsis? Oo, and, uh. 1-2 sentence(s) paragraphs?

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The prompt was something like this: http://motor-kid.com/sail-ship-black-and-white.html
Fifth picture. (:
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Pioneers. Trailblazers. That's what we wanted to be.

Once upon a time, that was our dream.

That seemed like centuries ago. Lifetimes away from the present.

The present... are we even in the Pacific Ocean anymore? I can't tell. Time doesn't seem to exist here. The days are long, but the nights are even longer. There aren't any stars in the sky... they must be hidden above the layers of human pollution, invisible to everyone and everything below.

But... then why aren't there any human settlements around?

I panted under the hot, searing sun, my tongue dry and thirsty for water. There's salt water all around me... no-- I mustn't drink that.

Where have my shipmates gone? I thought, the mental words barely registered. It's become a habit. Everyday, I wonder... I wonder, where have they gone? Why am I alone? My memory felt fuzzy, blurred, monochrome... and my head... heavy...

Suddenly I remembered. I remembered the detesting smell of dead, vermin-ridden bodies on the deck, lying still and unmoving, unresponsive to my desperate nudges, deaf to me pleas and sobs. I remembered the fog twisting around their fingers, the translucent wisps trailing behind. Perhaps it wasn't fog. Perhaps it was the spirit of a ghost, coming down from the clouds high above to take my friends... all I held dear away...

Yes. I remember it all now. They all died. The hunger and third claimed them. Ava, the ship captain, suicided. As I closed my eyes, I could see her own blue eyes (are there any other words to use in place of 'eyes', haha) red and swollen from crying. Her lips moved slowly, tranced, as she said her final words before disappearing beneath the unrelenting waves.

"Goodbye."

Why wasn't I dead too?

"W-we-" I choked, my throat parched, "-were supposed to do this together..." My voice was low and soft, though it screamed for salvation.

What was I doing? They wouldn't be able to hear me.

Even so... our dreams of becoming famed explorers was decimated. Gone. Broken. The least I could do was mourn it.

Something left me at that moment. I felt lighter... buoyant. My vision blurred and my numb fingers slipped from the railing. The world around me spun. The blue waves, the tiny, silver dish, leaping and gliding beneath the surface... the azure-blue sky, the white clouds... my eyes closed.

Clouds? Rain!

They shot open again.

But everything around me was different.

The ocean had been replaced by green, lush grass. In place of fish were flowers, an array of the most beautiful flora I had ever seen. Butterflies flitted across their petals, light and graceful. The sky was still the same, the clouds huge, white, and vast... a promise of rain.

Was I... dreaming?

"Hey!"

I froze, recognising that voice. Slowly, I turned around.

A woman and a crew of burly men all donning their own motley attire.

Instantly, the empty feeling I had harboured before was replaced by ecstasy.

My friends... the crew... we were all reunited. We were truly pioneers now. Truly trailblazers.

We had found heaven. (Not sure if "Heaven" should be capitalised.)
glenny (:
nossal soon!! hopefully

Dat1guy

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Re: Essay Feedback
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2015, 08:17:36 pm »
+1
Just read it, not a bad essay at all, but also not the best
Remember examiners are trying to find something that stands out, and not just in vocab and grammar and that stuff, but also in the writing itself
The story was going good until the story went he happy ending route, that's when the examiners will lump you in with the standard group of people
Try doing a twist in the story, if the story starts dark, end it dark. Tear jerkers are always good, if you can write one about the prompt, it'll U doubtfully get you a high mark, if you somehow manage the corrected to shed a tear or feel emotional, they won't forget your work and you will have a high chance to get a Superior or a high mark
But overall still nice
I'll be making an essay thread too, come check mine out to point out some errors, thanks

COLORS

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Re: Essay Feedback
« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2015, 08:48:05 pm »
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Just read it, not a bad essay at all, but also not the best
Remember examiners are trying to find something that stands out, and not just in vocab and grammar and that stuff, but also in the writing itself
The story was going good until the story went he happy ending route, that's when the examiners will lump you in with the standard group of people
Try doing a twist in the story, if the story starts dark, end it dark. Tear jerkers are always good, if you can write one about the prompt, it'll U doubtfully get you a high mark, if you somehow manage the corrected to shed a tear or feel emotional, they won't forget your work and you will have a high chance to get a Superior or a high mark
But overall still nice
I'll be making an essay thread too, come check mine out to point out some errors, thanks

I wanted to end with the "pioneer" thing. Just killing him off seemed a little too.. ehh.. boring?

Checking out your essay right now. :D
glenny (:
nossal soon!! hopefully