TLM/T7SOG Essay

[Coolgalbornin03Lo]

I don’t mind how experienced whoever read this is- any feedback is good feedback at this point 😊 feel free to send me some stuff too if you want!

The prompt is:

“She wouldn’t tell us a lot of stories but when she did we all listened….” (The 7 Stages of Grieving)
 
“He said Africa was his past and not ours.”  (The Longest Memory).
 
Compare the ways in which both texts demonstrate how the past shapes the present

Spoiler

Fred D’Arguiar’s novel The Longest Memory in set in Virginia in the 1800s portrays the inhumane system of slavery from several points of view. Likewise Enoch and Mailmans play The 7 Stages of Grieving depicts the lives of Aboriginals still affected long after the mistreatment of their people. Both texts explore the effect these prior traumatic events have on the present but differ in that D'Aguiar contends that complacency heavily affects the extent to which the pasts of the enslaved affects the present of the freed, while Enoch and Mailman suggest the present isn’t yet set in stone and each individual has the power to make sure it isn’t a repeat of the past, in which Aboriginals were unjustly robbed.

Although both The Longest Memory and The 7 Stages of grieving older characters bear the responsibility for the survival of culture into the future, each text portrays a different handling of this responsibility. In The Longest Memory the character of Whitechapel is the oldest slave on the plantation and the only one with any direct connection with their African heritage. Upon being asked by younger slaves of where they really came from “he [says] Africa was his past and not [theirs]”. Denying the influence he has on the continuation of his traditions has consequences as his great granddaughter “[doesn’t] recognise the food”. The food is symbolic of their culture, traditions; the one thing which the enslavers could not take away from them. The slaves did not have freedom and many other basic human rights but still had their food. For her not to recognise it, means she completely disconnected from her culture, as a result of Whitechapel refusing to recognise his critical role. This portrayal of the relationship between Whitechapel and his great granddaughter critiques the refusal to share the past, which perpetuates the cultural erasure which has been inflicted upon them by their oppressors, to carry on into the future. D'Aguiar urges those who stay silent about tragedy they have experienced in the past to speak up and let themselves be heard, in order to preserve their culture instead of letting it be partially erased, the way it was the first time with original oppressors. Much like in The Longest Memory, The 7 Seven Stages of Grieving has one person, Nana, who was present in a time in which their culture was more prevalent, and is reluctant to share it. However she differed from Whitechapel because “she wouldn’t tell [them] very many stories but when she did [they] all listened”. This depiction of Nana through the eyes of her grandchildren highlights how willing the younger generations are to absorb their culture if just given a small chance.  “Floral patterns cover the WOMAN’s dress” [stage directions] and accompanying her are “sounds of family” [stage directions].  The sounds of family and the floral dress are representative of the culture and the WOMAN just wearing something as simple as traditional clothing implies that it can continue to be passed onto future generations if those who hold the information choose to do so. Enoch and Mailman romanticise the idea of passing on culture from the past to younger generations as a way to make for a future in which Aboriginal culture is still preserved and acknowledged in full.

Both texts delve deeper beyond the effect the past has on present culture, into the big influence it has on the identities of the descendants of those who lived in the past.
Following the death of Chapel, Mr Whitechapel reveals his true feelings about being involved in this trade simply “because [his] father's dust lies between [those] boards” of the bar in which the other plantation owners frequently meet. This metaphor implies he felt inclined to continue his father's work, out of respect for him and also out of love, as it is the last piece of his father there is evident by the metaphorical “dust”. D'aguiar reflects on how the decisions of those in the past can dictate the identity of those in the present if they choose not to challenge it. Through the portrayal of Mr Whitechapel and the other plantation owners D'aguiar explored the possibillty the enslavers were bound by the fact it was their father's line of work”  and “all they knew ''. D'Aguiar reveals that even the most villainous characters in slave history were molded and given the tools to facilitate such mistreatment of other human beings, and by choosing to accept this identity they are perpetuating the tragic past. He condemns those who choose to take the cowardice path as Mr Whitechapel does, for the simple fact he “[is] a Whitechapel”, because it cannot allow for a new identity of America in which people of all skin colours are valued, if this cycle is continued. Conversely, Enoch and Mailman argue a person's identity can loosely be based on the past as long as the cycle is recognised for what it is. In The 7 Stages of  Grieving the WOMAN acknowledges “how [they] all look alike” after her brother is arrested. Through this recognition of the racism prevalent in society due to events in the past Enoch and Mailman depict this character as taking control of her future. The use of satire even in a time of tragedy indicates she is not letting the oppressors have the power which they once had, she is dictating how much power their words and actions have over her. She “knows the cycle and how it starts” and as a result is able to confront this and truly make them have control over the expression of her people, a thing of the past. Enoch and Mailman romanticise the benefit of taking into account the past, no matter how tragic but not letting it define you. They believe the only way for present day Australia to have a less fragmented society is to openly acknowledge the wrongdoings against the First Nation peoples in order to work towards a new national identity.

The want for change to influence past shapes the future is explored in both texts. In The Longest Memory it is explored through the lack of support which results in failure whereas in The 7 Stage of Grieving  it involves support which results in some success.
Following Chapels decision to run away in order to not let the past be his future, his father betrays him resulting in his death. The rest of the slaves brand Whitechapel as “Judas”, a biblical reference implying he turned in his loved one for selfish reasons just as Judas betrayed Jesus for money. By insinuating Chapel is “Jesus” D'Aguiar suggests Chapel was making a better future for the plantation by running away from his past and sacrificing himself,  but without any support he could not truly escape. Whitechapel was “insufficient” as a father for not supporting his son despite knowing “he belonged to another way of life”. Through the illustration of Whitechapel's guilt D'Aguiar problematizes how escaping the past cannot be done by one person alone. D’Arguiar stresses in order for the descendants of the enslaved to live a better life than their ancestors, the change must not only come from within but also from those not directly involved in slavery in order for this cylce end. Unlike D'Aguiar who reveals how lack of support results in the past repeating itself, Enoch and Mailman depict how having large numbers of people willing to create a better future is what results in change. An image of the WOMAN looking up with an expression of awe, the lighting illuminating her. The expression represents progress after so many years of loss and pain they have finally reached the silver lining, which is evident from the light shining down on her which is representative of God. Enoch and Mailman demonstrate the power of unity and how it can change a past of pain to a present in which people are “crying” but “not the kind of crying at funerals”. The crying is symbolic of the Aboriginal people remembering their greatest loss, and all which came after. Enoch and Mailman emphasise a future in which Aboriginals will no longer cry because of what they have lost, but because of the present day in which their losses have been acknowledged and the deceased have been respected.

Thus The Longest Memory and The 7 Stages of Grieving both suggest the past does have a great influence on the present. Moreover D'Aguiar holds people's lack of support and willingness to change accountable for the subtle difference between treatment of the enslaved populations and present treatment African-Americans. On the other hand Enoch and Mailman believe unity in acknowledging the past reduces the degree of influence it has on the future.

[The Cat In The Hat]

Glancing through it -
-Good conceptual paragraphs rather than just examples from the texts (IDK how relevant etc. they are because I haven't read either of them)
-Few grammar/spelling glitches but DEFINITELY improved from last time I saw your sample
-Could be more concise
-Possibly needs to get deeper ideas, IDK how to
-Pretty decent essay, all told! just needs a few small fixes

[whys]

Feedback:
There are some grammatical errors and some of the wording doesn't make sense, but this will get better with more practice.
I think your conclusion can answer the 'so what?' question better. What I mean by this is the conclusion is supposed to neatly tie up your arguments/contention and then reference the implications of this. What's the significance of what you have discovered and explained throughout your essay - what's the bigger picture here? A really good way to do this is to integrate some authorial intent, which you have done already but could elaborate more. Maybe I'm being picky or maybe you've done this and I just can't tell because I don't know the novel or the play.
There were a few times I think you could have integrated quotes better, but overall you did this really well.
To make your essay better I would suggest comparing more. You've included a linking, comparative statement in the middle of each paragraph when transitioning to a different text, but comparing more will allow you to explore more nuanced similarities and differences.
I think it might be better for the last sentence of each paragraph to talk about both texts and zoom out to focus on the big ideas to really tie everything together, and will help advance what you have found from the discussion of that paragraph's argument.
Overall this is a really good essay, keep up the good work!

[SmartWorker]

Hey Coolgalbornin03Lo,

Below is the my sentence by sentence feedback. Hope it helps, but some general things before you read it:
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary specific to what you are trying to express
- Up your standard for level of analysis, what I mean by this is ensuring every sentence you include improves your essay than degrading its holistic value. You can extend your analysis
- I was being as critical as I could so that you can improve.
- haven’t read the text so idk if analysis points are good or not but based upon what I have read it can be still improved but overall well done!!!
- Only read the intro and first para (sorry needed to sleep )


Fred D’Arguiar’s novel The Longest Memory in set in Virginia in the 1800s portrays the inhumane system of slavery from several points of view. (your broad statement is good, but since you mentioned several points of view explain what you mean by this --> more detail but not analysis level detail if you know what I mean). Likewise, Enoch and Mailman’s play, The 7 Stages of Grieving depicts the lives of Aboriginals still affected long after the mistreatment of their people. (good overview, but to improve this include more sophisticated vocabulary specific to this. (this would take it from a basic to a higher level) For example, I could reword this sentence to be: The text (ofc say it) divulges the trauma of the lost generation as a microcosm of the broader issue of societal-political belief systems ----> brings in the big picture do this in the intro.Both texts explore the effect these prior (redundant – traumatic suggests already happened) traumatic events have on the present but differ in that D'Aguiar contends that complacency heavily affects the extent to which the pasts of the enslaved affects the present of the freed, while Enoch and Mailman (could vary it by staying that the second text instead concerns itself with…)suggest the present isn’t yet set in stone and each individual has the power to make sure it isn’t a repeat of the past, in which Aboriginals were unjustly robbed. (Clear statement --> but improved with more sophisticated vocab)

Althoughin both The Longest Memory and The 7 Stages of grieving older characters bear the responsibility for the survival of culture into the future, each text portrays a different handling of this responsibility. Very good topic sentence ---> I am saying this not based upon knowledge of the text but rather general ideas as I have not read the texts, can be improved though by stating broadly the different types of handlings In The Longest Memory the character of Whitechapel is the oldest slave on the plantation and the only one with any direct connection with their African heritage. Upon being asked by younger slaves of where they really came from “he [says] Africa was his past and not [theirs]”. Denying the influence he has on the continuation of his traditions has consequences as his great granddaughter “[doesn’t] recognise the food”. The food is symbolic of their culture, traditions; the one thing which the enslavers could not take away from them (instead analyse rather than stating it). The slaves did not have freedom and many other basic human rights but still had their food. For her not to recognise it, means she is completely disconnected from her culture, as a result of Whitechapel refusing to recognise his critical role (you got to explain what this critical role is, left me on a cliff hanger). This portrayal of the relationship between Whitechapel and his great granddaughter critiques the refusal to share the past, which perpetuates the cultural erasure which has been inflicted upon them by their oppressors (this is retelling no need it is assumed that’s what happened), to carry on into the future. D'Aguiar urges those who stay silent about tragedy they have experienced in the past to speak up and let themselves be heard, in order to preserve their culture instead of letting it be partially erased,(has the potential to be rewritten in a more sophisticated manner) the way it was the first time with original oppressors. Much like in The Longest Memory, (another way of saying it is : In a similar vein, : no need to mention text name)The 7 Seven Stages of Grieving has one person, Nana, who was present in a time in which their culture was more prevalent, and is reluctant to share it. (For your comparative sentence you must make a comparison this means. For example say this: In a similar vein to Whitechapel’s denial of…, Nana of text 2 is…)However she differed from Whitechapel because “she wouldn’t tell [them] very many stories but when she did [they] all listened”. This depiction (impression) of Nana through the eyes of her grandchildren highlights (promulgates ---> this is what I mean by using more sophisticated language) how willing the younger generations are to absorb their culture if just given a small chance.  “Floral patterns cover the WOMAN’s dress” [stage directions] and accompanying her are “sounds of family” [stage directions]. (there was no flow from the previous sentence to this sentence, haven’t embedded the quote) The sounds of family and the floral dress are representative of the culture and the WOMAN just wearing something as simple as traditional clothing implies (talk about the authorial intent --> like Mailmain implies that…)that it can continue to be passed onto future generations if those who hold the information choose to do so. Enoch and Mailman romanticise the idea of passing on culture from the past to younger generations as a way to make for a future in which Aboriginal culture is still preserved and acknowledged in full.


But other than that WELL DONE!!! 

[02hhassan]

heyyyyyy so I thought I would add seeing as I also do the same texts - overall its a solid piece with clear analysis and you've kept relevancy to the topic at hand as well as delving into some complexity in your authorial intent statements which was rlly interesting to read BUT wanted to clarify structure - if you are going to do block analysis than there needs to be a comparative sentence at the end to recognise the similarities and differences, it looks like block - but just to mention as well there is also interwoven method where you interchange between different examples throughout - generally though more examples is more complexity so up the amount of examples you're using (i do 2 for each text in each body so 4 per para - i can see 2 per para here)

seeing as I do not know how to reply (newbie ahah) I will add bullet-pointed feedback for the intro and first paragraph:

Intro:
Positive feedback:
-solid grasp on the worlds of the texts
-comparative sentence offers an idea of what your essay will explore and offers a more thoughtful analytical point which was cool

Improvement:
- Spelling and Grammar are vital in making sure you 'respect' examiners'. This is honestly funny but my teacher called spelling the author's name as having 'no manners!' in her words. Of course it's no indication of your ability but it's just making the examiner feel like you are mindful and respectful of the task and the author's names and credentials, without that their first impression may be that you are not as competent as you clearly show! **D'Aguair
-First sentence could be strengthened with signposts to specific relevant historical/social context. What is happening in Virginia? Whilst I like the inhumane system of slavery maybe mention it's African-American context and that it's based in the South of America

Reworded first sentence:
'Fred D'Aguair's novel The Longest Memory portrays the inhumane African-American slavery system within the Virginian South in the 1800's, using a polyvocality of varying perspectives; that of white and black slave characters within the text.'
See how I have referenced the specific groups impacted (African-American and the points of view being that of white and black characters) as well as setting and time and a sophisticated sounding technique word which is literally the several points of view you mentioned - higher scoring responses are like loaded sandwiches, there's reference to context, technique, structure all in one go hahah
 
^ the same feedback could be applied to the second sentence: be sure to use Indigenous more than Aboriginal as that is more respecting of their connection to land (well at least that's what my teacher said)
'Likewise, Enoch and Mailman's play, the 7 Stages of Grieving depicts the lives of Indigenous people in a contemporary paradigm; harshly impacted by the colonial dispossession of their land in their past history.' - dispossession, colonial invasion (context!!)

-more sophisticated and expressive tone and do steer clear of contractions!

First body:
Positive feedback:
Great topic sentence - really captures the contrast of both
Relevant quotes
Literary features present throughout

Improvements:
-I definitely see myself in your writing,  jeering off in places and there's a lack of deliberate tone. Ask yourself really brutally honestly, is this gonna rack marks when you write it? How does the fact that the enslavers can't take it away the food from them link into the comments D'Aguair is making - heres an example of what would be more clear 'Her absent memory of the cultural cuisine of Africa is a direct effect of Whitechapel's negligence by not relaying his memories of past liberation in Africa, meaning Whitechapel's traumatic past clearly impairs Great-grandddaughter's sense of African identity and belonging'. If you wanted to tie in the food - MENTION THE IMAGERY this is her dreaming of Africa-  and that even in her subconscious daydreams she is detached from her culture, that is she can't even connect with her culture in her metaphysical dreams and escape from reality - the extent of cultural detachment is insane! definitely could go into complexity here and be sure to mention things like imagery with the symbol of food to show deeper metalanguage

Definitely similar advice for the second example - I'm short on time so I'm gonna insert a comparative sentence for Nana and Whitechapel as like an idea of how to word it seeing as comparison is lacking -
'In the case of Nana, the playwrights highlight a sense of distrust and hostility shown towards the system through her actions. She almost blocks their access to her and her family, as she ‘couldn’t speak to teachers or police’. In this, the playwrights indicate Nana’s detachment from the systems of oppression, even though she does not directly rebel against those systems.  In contrast, Whitechapel insistently obeys these systems. Constricted by the far more brutalised and controlling slave trade, Whitechapel displays loyalty and servitude to those masters superior to him and unlike Nana, he envisions a pragmatic model of society where slaves can live in harmony with their masters. Despite the immense grief and trauma surmounting from Whitechapel’s ‘Judas’-like actions, D'Aguiar reveals in Whitechapel a overwhelming conviction to adhere and even reap the rewards from servitude, unlike Nana who distances herself from those systems for her own safety. ' Definitely couldn't write this much in the comparative statement at the closing of your para but the way its compared is strong and a decent model to look to

Hope that helps - general comments can be applied to the rest of your essay - things that would immediately up the essay would be specificity, build a bank of relevant historical terms like African-American, Transatlantic, colonial invasion, dispossession, as well as vocab and making sure you sound as formal and sophisticated as possible, and comparison!! if you are doing the block methods a few sentences of comparison at the closing really fulfill the task which is to compare!! If not than you need to jump between texts consistently and compare as you go which you haven't done so strongly, so i would recommend clarifying that if you haven't already

HOPE THAT HELPS!! And if you haven't yet received feedback from your teacher you could send it on a doc and we could improve it together if you still would like some assessment of the rest of your workkkk