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March 29, 2024, 10:59:35 am

Author Topic: Poet's Well-being Journal  (Read 71318 times)

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Bri MT

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #180 on: October 02, 2020, 07:17:37 pm »
+12
Stupid? Ugly? Useless? Failure?

You're not any of those.

Scared makes a lot of sense and I certainly won't dispute that one.

Sometimes what feels safe doesn't follow what our minds see as logical but that doesn't make it easy to function in an environment where you're on edge. It's draining even on its own.

I hope this eases again soon.

You have multiple people who see you as a wonderful person & that's because you are. However highly you are functioning we value you.

I don't think you'd choose to lie about this. It doesn't fit with what I know of you.

Thank you for telling us what's going on 💙

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #181 on: October 02, 2020, 08:17:17 pm »
+7
Stupid? Ugly? Useless? Failure?

You're not any of those.

Scared makes a lot of sense and I certainly won't dispute that one.

Sometimes what feels safe doesn't follow what our minds see as logical but that doesn't make it easy to function in an environment where you're on edge. It's draining even on its own.

I hope this eases again soon.

You have multiple people who see you as a wonderful person & that's because you are. However highly you are functioning we value you.

I don't think you'd choose to lie about this. It doesn't fit with what I know of you.

Thank you for telling us what's going on 💙
You have said all that I wanted to say but didn't know how to. Thank you.
Stay safe, Poet.
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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #182 on: October 17, 2020, 10:22:48 am »
+18
Thanks for your replies, Bri and Cat. I'm safe, I'm okay. And I appreciate you both. <3

Dear friends,

It's been a couple of weeks since my last panicked update (I'm sorry for inflicting it upon you) and I thought I'd update now.

I've been going through the process of just keeping myself safe and sane, and yesterday I moved into a hospital home and was put in the same room as last time (hooray for consistency!). About 70% of the staff are the same and actually remember me which is insane considering how long it's been since I was here last. It does help to ease my mind a little to know that they care enough to see me as an individual.

As I'm here for preventative care, I've been trusted to supervise my own medication use and I can go out for runs/walks without supervision. If I get worse and feel unsafe or unable to regulate myself, I'll let the staff know and they'll go through anything I may need - which includes checking up on me every two hours and organising possible changes/restrictions in medication or transfer to the psychiatric ward (which I doubt I'll need).

It looks like I'll be here for 2 weeks and in that time I'll have daily sessions with my keyworker/assessors and two optional therapy workshops per day. Last time I was here, I had a bit of an intimidating housemate who would follow me around so I rarely went to sessions - but this time I think I'll be a lot more comfortable in community sessions as the other housemates aren't threatening.

Also I thought I'd be sad about the instant coffee here but turns out my standards are just as low as before I started barista-ing my own with a coffee machine hehe! Hot beverages are niceeeee, especially as today is rainy and cold (yay for sweater weather!) :))

Insanipi sent me a book to read (how precious is she <3) so I might open it today and give it a try. They also have puzzles here, and I've got my laptop, phone, nail polish, art supplies and some makeup to entertain myself with in the down times. And a tonne of chocolate from my partner (thank you bb)!

Okay I think that's all. I'll have to update after I get out because I have some super exciting plans involving the care of living creatures and stuff!

Love from,
Your low-functioning but okay Poet who hasn't written much poetry lately
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

The Cat In The Hat

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #183 on: October 17, 2020, 11:00:30 am »
+9
Thanks for your replies, Bri and Cat. I'm safe, I'm okay. And I appreciate you both. <3

Dear friends,

It's been a couple of weeks since my last panicked update (I'm sorry for inflicting it upon you) and I thought I'd update now.

I've been going through the process of just keeping myself safe and sane, and yesterday I moved into a hospital home and was put in the same room as last time (hooray for consistency!). About 70% of the staff are the same and actually remember me which is insane considering how long it's been since I was here last. It does help to ease my mind a little to know that they care enough to see me as an individual.

As I'm here for preventative care, I've been trusted to supervise my own medication use and I can go out for runs/walks without supervision. If I get worse and feel unsafe or unable to regulate myself, I'll let the staff know and they'll go through anything I may need - which includes checking up on me every two hours and organising possible changes/restrictions in medication or transfer to the psychiatric ward (which I doubt I'll need).

It looks like I'll be here for 2 weeks and in that time I'll have daily sessions with my keyworker/assessors and two optional therapy workshops per day. Last time I was here, I had a bit of an intimidating housemate who would follow me around so I rarely went to sessions - but this time I think I'll be a lot more comfortable in community sessions as the other housemates aren't threatening.

Also I thought I'd be sad about the instant coffee here but turns out my standards are just as low as before I started barista-ing my own with a coffee machine hehe! Hot beverages are niceeeee, especially as today is rainy and cold (yay for sweater weather!) :))

Insanipi sent me a book to read (how precious is she <3) so I might open it today and give it a try. They also have puzzles here, and I've got my laptop, phone, nail polish, art supplies and some makeup to entertain myself with in the down times. And a tonne of chocolate from my partner (thank you bb)!

Okay I think that's all. I'll have to update after I get out because I have some super exciting plans involving the care of living creatures and stuff!

Love from,
Your low-functioning but okay Poet who hasn't written much poetry lately
It's good you're okay. I don't know what else to say, but your update makes me happy. :) (Yeah, I'm really bad at expressing these things. Sorry.)
Stay safe. :)
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I hope I don't fail....
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sweetiepi

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #184 on: October 17, 2020, 03:36:51 pm »
+12

I'm glad you're taking steps that keep you safe and sane, Poet.

(Btw- It's okay if you don't get to the book or try and then put it down too <3 reading for fun shouldn't feel like you're pressured to read it straight away ^-^ )
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Poet

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #185 on: October 29, 2020, 03:22:57 pm »
+16
Alrighty. Hi friends.

It's been 2 weeks and I said I'd write when I got out... Funny thing is, my stay was extended for another week. I'll be here till next Friday. So, why write now? Because keeping a journal is a good thing to do, and I need to let some stuff out.

So, what have I been up to while in hospital? Not much. I've been pretty up and down. Concentrating on one thing has been really difficult. And the house is currently understaffed so the past 2 weeks weren't as productive as I'd hoped coming in. Hopefully, this third week means I can get more done, more learnt, to make my stay worthwhile.

The house is currently holding 8 patients including me. 3 of them are younger adults, like me. 4 are all above 50. 3 of those are all around 70.
The others don't seem to know how to wash dishes or use a dishwasher (or clean up spills, or put away leftovers...) so every couple of days I clean the entire kitchen (made for 10 people mind you, so BIG kitchen) by myself. After 2 weeks you'd think someone else would notice. But honestly, that's my only complaint. They're nice people. And I guess it gives me some physical exertion on days I haven't been able to run.

I have a few meetings with my key worker, clinician, and doctor per week as well as community meetings and group therapy sessions. Oh, and weekly 1 on 1 Telehealth art therapy. It sounds busy, but there's a lot of waiting in between, and I've found myself detached a few times, distressed on rare occasion. Hopefully this week finds me with more to do then sit and let myself dissociate.

My goals for being here revolve around getting linked with job services but most importantly learning about and implementing self-compassion. I'll be honest - all my big talk about loving yourself is a bit hypocritical. I can honestly say that I hate myself. And I know how wrong that is. So I'm trying to improve that. Trying to accept myself as I am. Trying to look at myself in the mirror and not worry about my smile. Trying to believe it when others tell me I'm pretty. That I don't need to change.
Or, that if I should change, to love myself as I am now AND then.

So, some things I want to do/see progress in:
~ I want to have completed up to lesson 3 in my mental health course before discharge
~ Fill in (and display) sticky notes with things I want to do for enjoyment and things I like about myself (positive affirmations!)
~ Call youth employment services and follow up general numbers given by my key worker
~ Remember to practice controlled breathing twice a day
~ Exercise every day (at least half an hour 3 days of the week at minimum) - depression means you feel fatigued all the time. Exercise can make you feel more energetic.
~ Don't bite your nails - it's not a good old habit.
~ Try drawing by myself (outside of art therapy) at least twice per week. Set the time aside.
~ Talk to myself more positively. Take some pictures and write good things.
~ Take risks! Cook dinner for the house, send a resume, try substituting vegan ingredients in my favourite recipes, advocate for myself because I am worth people's time. I am worth people's care. I am worthy of this place. I am worth it.

Okay, I think that's all. And hey - I hope if you're struggling with your mental state, that you know you're not alone. There's help out there for you. You can and will get better. The hardest step is to reach out. I promise you, it gets easier every time.
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Poet

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #186 on: November 24, 2020, 12:22:36 pm »
+10
Hello, lovelies. It's been about a month since my last update so thought I'd check in before heading out for a run.

My stay was extended past the Friday and I was discharged Monday afternoon, making my stay a total of 3 weeks and 3 days. 10 days longer than I initially planned. But that's okay, as the last week was successfully productive and I've been able to continue with the work I began for the last few weeks since discharge.

Since being home, I've been okay. Still struggling sometimes with just feeling like existence is a burden, but I've been able to hold myself accountable and consciously work on my self image and perspective. I've managed to keep my room moderately clean, and my cat has been a wonderful support as always.
OH AND ALSO
REMEMBER HOW I SAID LIKE 2 MONTHS AGO I HAD SOME EXCITING NEWS
WELL I GOT A 40 LITRE FISH TANK AND I HAVE PET SHRIMP NOW

Hell yeah, shrimp!! Neocaridina davidi, or 'cherry shrimp', are super active and fun. Also teeny! They grow up to 2cms. I've wanted to keep shrimp for ages, and they're finally here!! Looking after more living things (checking water parameters daily, water changes every second day, feeding, correcting water hardness, providing plant nutrients, etc.) really gives me more of a sense of purpose. Shrimp care however is very different to fish care, so that's something to be aware of.
pic of a red cherry shrimp like my bebbies!

Okay, now... I wrote up some goals to keep throughout the last month. Let's see how I have been doing.
:)
Quote
I want to have completed up to lesson 3 in my mental health course before discharge
Done! I completed lesson 4 a few days ago too :))
Quote
Fill in (and display) sticky notes with things I want to do for enjoyment and things I like about myself (positive affirmations!)
Not yet - I've brainstormed, but haven't actually written anything on notes yet. I'll have to do that before my next update.
Quote
Call youth employment services and follow up general numbers given by my key worker
Kind of - I registered my interest under the government Disability Employment Services scheme and have a worker I'm in contact with, but didn't actually get anywhere with local employer links from my key worker at PARC.
Quote
Remember to practice controlled breathing twice a day
Yes! I actually have been doing this, more once a day though if I'm honest. Still, good progress on my end.
Quote
Exercise every day (at least half an hour 3 days of the week at minimum)
Mostly! I have one or two rest days per week where I do a stretch routine rather than working out or running, but I'm pretty strong atm.
Quote
Don't bite your nails
Yep - got an SNS manicure done so I couldn't bite them if I wanted to - also, they're super pretty now hahaha
Quote
Try drawing by myself (outside of art therapy) at least twice per week
Yes! I've actually been working on a commission portrait for someone lately and that's really helped to get me back into drawing :D
Quote
Talk to myself more positively. Take some pictures and write good things.
No :( - I've been struggling quite a bit with this one. Need more time to slowly build up.
Quote
Take risks!
Sort of! I started playing a new game, talking to new people, and I've been baking occasionally without a recipe! Haven't done anything big but that's okay. We'll get there.

And now for some new goals I thought would be good to review in the long-term (as well as the ones referenced above):
~ Compete in athletics competition for the first time
~ Use public transport by myself
~ Talk to other people in the squad/pilates class
~ Take photos or get photo taken in public
~ Wear a put-together outfit out of the house
~ Go swimming and put my head underwater
~ Record myself singing and post it(?)
~ Go travelling after Christmas!!
~ No self-harm for the rest of the year

There's not really much else to say except thank you, reader, for being here. You're so precious to so many people. You are strong, and you are capable of many things. Let's get out there and celebrate existing this week. <3
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

The Cat In The Hat

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #187 on: November 24, 2020, 12:53:08 pm »
+6
Well, I never thought shrimp could look cute. I guess I was wrong. :)
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Poet

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #188 on: December 07, 2020, 11:59:15 am »
+14
updoot updoot



Wow, check me out - it's only been what, 2 and a half weeks since the last update? Damn my procrastination skills are withering. or I'm procrastinating cleaning by writing this but shush let me feel good about something

Well, happy holidays everyone! It's December and as much as I despise Christmas, things are looking up.
My dad and I drove 11 hours to NSW and back to see my grandparents on Saturday, because it was my grandmother's birthday the day before and my grandfather's cancer prognosis isn't good. I was expecting the worst but I was so glad to see colour in his cheeks and light in his eyes despite the struggle he's facing. We're meeting them again on New Year's Eve for their 60th(!) wedding anniversary too and it's great to have something to look forward to after not seeing them since January.

After that I'm going on holiday with Erutepa's family again and I can't wait! I need to get new bathers for the creek :p
Still struggling with putting my head underwater - stress exacerbates everything so I've been really struggling to even shower lately because I get panicky. Hopefully holidays can help me relax and enjoy myself. PTSD kind of sucks sometimes but it's not going to stop me from living the life I deserve.

This week, I have a lot to do! I'm finishing and delivering a drawing commission, meeting with my DES worker, having dinner with my sister (yay!), track training, and doing a physio reassessment to put me onto power work (lifting weights and training my anaerobic capacity) because I've progressed from Pilates a bit. I also have to sign up to compete in AVSL Round 3 on Sunday!

Now to look at the goalssssss
Things I've done/been doing well:
~ Exercise every day
~ Don't bite your nails
~ Try drawing by myself at least twice per week.
~ Take risks
~ Compete in athletics competition for the first time
~ Wear a put-together outfit out of the house
~ Go travelling after Christmas!!
~ No self-harm for the rest of the year

Things I've been working on okay:
~ Positive affirmations
~ Call youth employment services
~ Practice controlled breathing
~ Talk to myself more positively.

Things I haven't done:
~ Use public transport by myself
~ Talk to other people in the squad/pilates class
~ Take photos or get photo taken in public
~ Go swimming and put my head underwater
~ Record myself singing and post it(?)

So, things that should be prioritised this week:
~ Talk to new people
~Talk to self more positively
~ Keep taking risks
~ Controlled breathing! Remember you've got this and it'll be okay.

Alright, love you guys. Let me know if I can help anyone with any of their goals! Keeping accountability is important.  :-*
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Erutepa

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #189 on: December 07, 2020, 07:30:19 pm »
+8
After that I'm going on holiday with Erutepa's family again and I can't wait! I need to get new bathers for the creek

woah woah woah.
this ain't no dank dirty creek we are going to go swimming in. I have standards!!!
this is a dank dirty river we will be swimming in! get it right.this is of comical intent - the river is actually quite clean and clear... usually
Quote
~ Compete in athletics competition for the first time
I think this point needs a bit more attention.
Not only did you participate in the competition, but you did so in the face of some pretty significant anxiety and, even more, ran a 2:10 for 600m when you were expecting to be over 3:00. you have pretty high expectations of yourself, so its not often you smash those expectations. This certainly warrants some self congratulations.  :)

Quote
~ Go swimming and put my head underwater
It seems to be pretty warm on Sunday - at least compared to the rest of this week - so perhaps we can tick this one off after round 3 of athletics.
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Poet

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #190 on: December 07, 2020, 07:37:50 pm »
+7

woah woah woah.
this ain't no dank dirty creek we are going to go swimming in. I have standards!!!
this is a dank dirty river we will be swimming in! get it right.this is of comical intent - the river is actually quite clean and clear... usually I think this point needs a bit more attention.
Not only did you participate in the competition, but you did so in the face of some pretty significant anxiety and, even more, ran a 2:10 for 600m when you were expecting to be over 3:00. you have pretty high expectations of yourself, so its not often you smash those expectations. This certainly warrants some self congratulations.  :)
It seems to be pretty warm on Sunday - at least compared to the rest of this week - so perhaps we can tick this one off after round 3 of athletics.
You're right - it's a gorgeous river in the mountains, the water pure snow melt, a steady current heard above cicada song. I'll pull a Banjo Patterson and talk about the Girl from Snowy River if you want :p

I did compete beyond my expectations. And I'd love to hit the beach on Sunday as long as I don't destroy my legs in the 800m!!

Love you lots <3
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Poet

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #191 on: January 15, 2021, 06:17:19 pm »
+15
It's 2021.

Reflection makes a fool of me. It seems that 2020 was a wasted year. I spent so much of it stuck inside myself. Even now, I'll find myself staring inwards at the empty space behind my eyes instead of facing the world around me. Wishing I could sink, like a turtle in its shell, away from the noise and questions and my own goddamn expectations.

I've been struggling to write this because writing it means that I am admitting what I hate most about myself. I don't know exactly what that is, but it's somewhere in here.

We got back from holidaying at the orchard a week ago and it feels like its been forever. It was gorgeous, and fun. My tan got about 5 shades darker and my smile 3 times bigger. But the whole time I felt like I was using the people I love for personal gain. I got frustrated easily. Was sick the whole time. Didn't put my head under water.

I found myself wishing I wasn't there. Not that I didn't want to be there; I just felt as if a different person would be more deserving of my place. Imposter Syndrome, alive and well. And though I know that - logically - I'm there because people want me there. Doesn't stop me from feeling all the things that come with rejection. Even if it's self-rejection. Guilt.

I've said it so many times but... This shit is vicious. I'm so sick, physically and emotionally, and it feels like I'm slipping backwards a little more every day. Even after promising myself that it would be different this time. My body is fit, but it's not healthy. My mind is rotting inside my skull. My ribcage feels like glass, my stomach like warm dirt. How I wish I was someone else. Something else.
How I wish to be anything but me.

But life continues. Every day I wake up as me. And I'll never wake up as anything else but me. In this body, fighting with this mind, until I die and the world burns. It's thoughts like this that make me wonder if it's all worth it. Thoughts like this that have put me in this place of self-hatred. A cocoon spun of chaos. I don't think I'll ever make through this, honestly. If the ground asks to swallow me, I will let it.

Maybe this year will bring respite.
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Bri MT

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #192 on: January 15, 2021, 06:45:14 pm »
+13
Like a turtle??

That feeling of not being able to enjoy good things is awful; I'm glad that you were still able to smile and have fun.

I think it's important to remember that your body and mind both change overtime. You will always be you but that doesn't mean that your experience of life will always be like this.

I hope this year is better for you. Sending love

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #193 on: January 15, 2021, 07:03:44 pm »
+13
IDK if it would help you but sometimes when I start thinking about how completely and utterly pointless life is it helps me to realise that life being completely nothingness also means I can do whatever the fuck I want. Want to smash a plate? Lie on the ground in the middle of the city? Run through the streets screaming as loud as you can? Why not. Life doesn't matter anyway. IDK sometimes reframing it like that helps a little
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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #194 on: March 04, 2021, 02:24:56 pm »
+15
Uh oh, 30 day warning. So scaryyyy

I've been really struggling to put my thoughts and feelings into words lately, and so it's taken me a little while to really get back here and make a post. Not to mention that my anxiety has really spiralled in the past weeks.

I can't believe it's March already. Ridiculous. It's like we've all been just kind of put in stasis through the pandemic then found ourselves a year past where we feel we should be. I am uncomfortable with that. I feel like I should have done more, grown more, progressed more. I'm at the same place I was 12 months ago and it brings me a lot of self-criticism. Why am I still sick? Why don't I have a job? Why am I only just starting my course again? Why am I still living in my parent's house? And why did I decide that existence was going to get better?

I'm aware of dangerous thought patterns that keep emerging, but the closer I get to another birthday, the harder it's getting for me to regulate. I keep telling people that I'm not being mean to myself; my self is being mean to me. There's another little voice in my head, foreign thoughts that aren't mine, that tell me I'm not good enough. That I'll never succeed. There's no point, he'll leave you eventually, we're all born to die. It's there all the time. Like it's been for years. Just a little bit louder every day.

Not sure why my birthday is a trigger for bad mental health. I'd imagine it's due to low esteem and a pretty horrid sense of self-worth. It just feels like a reminder of all the things I haven't done, or failed to do, rather than a celebration of the things I've achieved and can look forward to. So...
This year I've asked for a celebration. It's a huge thing for me and brings a lot of fear. But I want to fight everything in me that says I don't deserve to be treated of equal value to others. I want to fight the constant onslaught of anxiety and rumination, the ugly little voice telling me I'll never be beautiful. I'm tired, for sure. Exhausted. All the time. But I'm not tired enough to give in to it again just yet.

On another note, I've done a lot since the last entry. I've been running and training when I can, upping my kms, competing and getting stronger. I've been bouldering a few times and it's a lot of fun. I've gone out with friends, seen outdoor theatre, tried new places and stayed out past midnight for the first time. Taken public transport by myself. Kept my living space pretty clean. I wake up every morning and tend to my plants, aquarium and cat. All of which are flourishing. (I have 4 saddled shrimp and one berried girl atm. I'm also germinating avocado seeds :) ) I continued my course part-time 2 weeks ago and am keeping up with the work. And hey, I've even gotten better at Valorant! (I'm a Sage main but working on upping my Skye usage.)

Also, tomorrow is 2 years with Erutepa. We met thanks to this forum, and he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. We're going out for a movie and dinner on Saturday to celebrate.

There are good things. Good people. Good fun to be had. I am not where I thought I'd be but our lives are all to be lived with the expectation that plans are just that - plans. Not certainties. Wishing things are different is ignoring all the things to love. And that's what I've been trying to tell the side of myself that is determined to break me. I'm not weak. I'm loved just as much as I love those around me.

Breathing is easier now.
Thoughts are only thoughts.
They are not you. You do belong to yourself,
even when your thoughts don't.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating