Hi there!
Great work on drafting up a creative so early in the year. It isn't an easy task but you've done super well.
I have included some brief feedback and advice in the spoiler below:
Spoiler
- The first line has a lot of great detail, but perhaps you could divide it up into a few more sentences. At the moment, your beautiful imagery is a little lost because of how much you've included in one sentence.
- My biggest problem in writing was using too many commas. When you edit your work, check if you really need all the commas you're using because sometimes too many can clog up the reader's focus.
- I LOVE THE FIRST MENTION OF CHOCOLATE. I think it's great because the sense of taste is often overlooked by writers. It is the best bit so far. I like it because it's written in a more refined style. Try to adopt this style of writing more in your piece.
- I also love the last three sentences. I think it closes your story really well.
- I think the way to improve this short story is by bestowing it with a little more action and a little more purpose. Try to make it a little more interesting by not just describing the scene (which you actually do really well) but also by injecting some action into the scene. The scene needs a little more substance to make it really stand out. Make sure your narrative actually goes somewhere.
- I would also recommend going back through your short story and stripping back some of the unnecessary description. I would also suggest editing out any clichés. There is indeed a lot of description in here (which is fine) but to get the higher marks, I would suggest going through and taking away anything that your story doesn't need, because otherwise it can get a little overwhelming. The best short stories I have read use description as the icing on the cake, but not as the cake itself (does that weird metaphor make any sense?)
- Perhaps a way to inject some more sophistication into the short story is by opening with something more intriguing, rather than just a description of place, as a lot of students tend to open with a description of a location.
- You have created a really interesting and beautiful piece which reflects on memory. Perhaps you could play that theme up some more? Find some motifs and some cool technical stuff and play around with the piece.
Overall, great job. The next step is just editing! I would suggest toying around with the creative as well. Now that you have the bulk of it, start looking into any literary theory, techniques, or intertextual references that you might want to adopt to push it to that next level.
Let me know if you need any help,
Darcy :)