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Author Topic: L.A. correction urgent  (Read 874 times)  Share 

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Roryr99

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L.A. correction urgent
« on: October 23, 2018, 11:56:49 pm »
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I am really stressing about my upcoming English exam and in particular language analysis. Unfortunately, my English teacher is quite sick so I have been unable to submit him work. Would someone please be able to correct the language analysis that I have pasted (in response to VCAA 2015 exam) and give me an exam mark for it please?

Your help will be greatly appreciated,

Cheers, 
Rory 

START


In 2015, Chief Executive Officer of an Australian financial institution called “Bigsplash”, Stephanie Bennett, presented the “10th annual Bigsplash Australian Volunteers Award” to the spokesperson for Tradespeople Without Borders, Matthew Nguyen. In her televised speech heard in person by a large gathering, Bennett awarded a “$100,000 donation” to Tradespeople Without Borders. She adopts a predominantly appreciative tone in her speech as she contends that greater recognition should be given to the praise-worthy actions of volunteers. Thus, she hopes to inspire her audience consisting of those present at the speech, as well as Australians and overseas television viewers, to be more grateful for the work of volunteers and perhaps influence more people to become involved in such work. In his acceptance speech, Nguyen contends in a startled, yet endearing manner, that more people should become involved in volunteering. In turn, he seeks to inspire others to adopt initiatives like his own and consequently offer more help to those in need.From the opening, Bennett employs a grandiloquent tenor. The introduction contains no specific argument. Rather, it serves as a basis to endear herself and her compony to the non-corporate audience so as to render them more responsive to the following content of her presentation. Whilst some may be put off by the self-serving congratulation which Bennett lauds on her own company proclaiming that her “institution” has a “strong commitment to local and global communities”, the generosity implicit in the “ethos” of “extending a helping hand” is likely to rectify such emotions. This description is designed to direct the audience’s attention to the lectern’s banner where a bigger hand clasps and lifts up a smaller one. The smaller one may be interpreted as that of the self-sufficient not-for-profit volunteer group and the stronger one, that of Bigsplash. Indeed, the bigger hand wrenches the lower one from difficulty as it is moved in the direction from the dark shade to the light colour.  The visual image combines with that of the verbal description to incite a sentiment of respect for Bigsplash who appear to be committed to assisting those who help others.

As only one prize is to be presented by Bigsplash, Bennett focuses her attention directly towards the “short-listed organisations” stating that awarding the prize was “challenging”. This adjective’s connotations of difficulty and demand are aimed at engendering optimism for future years within these unsuccessful organisations as it implies that they too could have just as easily been awarded the prize. Having endeared herself both to the unpartisan audience members and the unsuccessful candidates, Bennett broadens the basis of discussion as she argues that volunteer organisations are worthy of far greater recognition than that which they receive. This argument is posited first and peppered throughout the piece to continually praise the volunteer organisations and reinforce this notion to the audience’s conscience. To stress how disproportionate the levels of gratitude given to the “quarter of the Australian population” which volunteers, she overwhelms the audience with large figures such as “713 million hours” and “billions of dollars of voluntary work”. However, ironically as the CEO of a large financial group, Bennett harangues those in the “World… preoccupied with money”. This may draw a degree of censure within the audience, especially from those who work for no financial gain. Yet, this may be a purposeful tactic as she seeks to ignite esteem and admiration into disapproving members of the audience as she reminds them that her company is taking the revolutionary steps to “inaugurate...this award”.

Appropriately, Bennett switches to an appreciative tone as she argues that ethe actions of volunteer organisations can have unfounded impacts and that volunteers themselves are “heroes”. By repeating the characterisation of volunteers as “heroic” and real-life “heroes”, she utilises this word’s connotation of a saviour who shows noble qualities towards others to cast them in the light of champions. This is likely to incite inspiration and a desire within those who do not currently volunteer to follow in the paths of others making great “contributions”. In an attempt to underscore the omniscient and unending contribution of volunteers, she presents a long list of their initiatives. The range of activities from “…ambulance volunteers… beach clean-ups… lifesavers”, is designed at appealing to a variety of people. This augments the feeling of thanks within the audience. Thus, she reinforces the degree to which volunteer work helps our lives- to such a degree that this “enormous workforce” should not be “overlooked”. This verb’s connotations of disregard harangues those who do not praise the volunteers as it implies that not only do they lack appreciation for the sacrifices of others, but also because it implies that themselves are self-centred. Such sentiments of censure inspired within the audience members is designed to encourage them to recognise and applaud the aid of volunteers.

Having accepted the award, Nguyen demonstrates his down-to-earth, genuine and unpretentious character as he immediately slips into a colloquial tenor. This tenor is created by the lack of appropriate word choices such as “Thanks heaps” and casual language like “loo”. Thus, he augments his appeal to fellow Australians as he argues that much unpaid aid work is required throughout the world. In a similar fashion to Bennett‘s attempts at overwhelming the audience through large figures, Nguyen includes a rhetorical question which he hopes will flabbergast the audience to understand that much volunteer work is needed; he asks the audience “did you know that 2.5 billion people do not have access to a loo?” The pathos elicited within the audience for such unfortunate members of society is reinforced by the imagery of inevitable and uncontainable destruction imbued by his reference to “natural disasters”. Underscoring the relative ease and accessibility of their work the normal day-to-day aspects of home are said to be in need of work such as “blocked… sinks”. This causes those not suffering such issues to reflect on how they have a duty to aid those who cannot experience what they take for granted and gives them a desire to become involved as a volunteer in the activities that are relatively simple yet benefit “Australia’s reputation”. Finally, Nguyen argues that volunteering is not only such common aspect of human nature that a reward should not be expected, but volunteering itself is an award. Characterising his actions and those of other volunteers as the works of “…a decent human being”, he praises volunteers. This is achieved through “decent’s” connotations of acting respectably and upholding moral behaviour. In the same vein, he subtly urges those not volunteering to act like they ought to as human beings. To stress why they should become involved in volunteer work, he references the pleasure obtained and notes that they can improve their state of emotional feeling by becoming “happier than other people”. The optimism inspired within the audience from assisting in volunteer projects is given visual force through the presentation image behind him. The array of hands joining in a team huddle symbolises the meaningful human connections which can be gained from such projects. Moreover, the circle in which they are arranged implies that the power of their contribution and their unity is unending. Indeed, when their gifts are combined as one more than just a “hand [can be] lend[ed]” to those in need.Whilst both are emphatic in their speeches, Bennett is more likely to appeal to corporates and those who merely contemplate the work of volunteers, as she leaves the audience with the resounding sense that “Bigsplash… value volunteers”. Whereas, Nguyen is more likely to appeal to the average Australian who is interested in becoming a volunteer as he concludes on a more direct and inspiring note that “Volunteering is its own reward”.

vceme

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Re: L.A. correction urgent
« Reply #1 on: October 27, 2018, 09:49:43 am »
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I am really stressing about my upcoming English exam and in particular language analysis. Unfortunately, my English teacher is quite sick so I have been unable to submit him work. Would someone please be able to correct the language analysis that I have pasted (in response to VCAA 2015 exam) and give me an exam mark for it please?

Your help will be greatly appreciated,

Cheers, 
Rory 

START


In 2015, Chief Executive Officer of an Australian financial institution called “Bigsplash”, Stephanie Bennett, presented the “10th annual Bigsplash Australian Volunteers Award” to the spokesperson for Tradespeople Without Borders, Matthew Nguyen. In her televised speech heard  by an audience <-- would make it more precisein person by a large gathering, Bennett awarded Try to use present tense! I think it definitely makes one's piece more sophisticated and gazing at the rest of the introduction I can see that you do. So be careful and stick to one tensea “$100,000 donation” to Tradespeople Without Borders. She adopts a predominantly appreciative tone in her speech as she contends that greater recognition should be given to the praise-worthy actions of volunteers. Thus, she hopes to inspire her audience consisting of those present at the speech, as well as Australians and overseas television viewers, to be more grateful for the work of volunteers and perhaps influence more people to become involved in such work. good!In his acceptance speech, Nguyen contends in a startled word choice, yet endearing manner, that more people should become involved in volunteering. In turn, he seeks to inspire others to adopt initiatives like his own and consequently offer more help to those in need. could you maybe talk about how he takes a more humble approach?


From the opening, Bennett employs a grandiloquent tenor. The introduction contains no specific argument. Rather, it serves as a basis to endear herself and her compony her company and herselfto the non-corporate audience so as to render them more responsive to the following content of her presentation. I don't think this is necessary analysis. Try to start off with outlining the argumentWhilst some may be put off by the self-serving congratulation which Bennett lauds on her own company proclaiming that her “institution” has a “strong commitment to local and global communities”, the generosity implicit in the “ethos” of “extending a helping hand” is likely to rectify such emotions. This description is designed to direct the audience’s attention to the lectern’s banner where a bigger hand clasps and lifts up a smaller one. The smaller one may be interpreted as that of the self-sufficient not-for-profit volunteer group and the stronger one, that of Bigsplash. Indeed, the bigger hand wrenches the lower one from difficulty as it is moved in the direction from the dark shade to the light colour.  The visual image combines with that of the verbal description to incite a sentiment of respect for Bigsplash who appear to be committed to assisting those who help others. I can see where you are getting at. Could you also see how Bigsplash is also trying to make their business look good socially? That's a big part of Bigsplash's intention!

As only one prize is to be presented by Bigsplash, Bennett focuses her attention directly towards the “short-listed organisations” stating that awarding the prize was “challenging”. This adjective’s connotations of difficulty and demand are aimed at engendering optimism for future years within these unsuccessful organisations as it implies that they too could have just as easily been awarded the prize. Analysis is good! But you want to focus more so on having analysis that relates to Bennett's main contention Having endeared herself both to the unpartisan audience members and the unsuccessful candidates, Bennett broadens the basis of discussion as she argues that volunteer organisations are worthy of far greater recognition than that which they receive. This argument is posited first and peppered throughout the piece to continually praise the volunteer organisations and reinforce this notion to the audience’s conscience. To stress how disproportionate the levels of gratitude given to the “quarter of the Australian population” which volunteers, she overwhelms the audience with large figures such as “713 million hours” and “billions of dollars of voluntary work”. what would this do to readers? make them feel? and do?However, ironically as the CEO of a large financial group, Bennett harangues those in the “World… preoccupied with money”. This may draw a degree of censure within the audience, especially from those who work for no financial gain.  Yet, this may be a purposeful tactic as she seeks to ignite esteem and admiration into disapproving members of the audience as she reminds them that her company is taking the revolutionary steps to “inaugurate...this award”.

Appropriately this sounds borderline like your giving your opinion on the sppech, Bennett switches to an appreciative tone as she argues that ethe actions of volunteer organisations can have unfounded impacts and that volunteers themselves are “heroes”. By repeating the characterisation of volunteers as “heroic” and real-life “heroes”, she utilises this word’s connotation of a saviour who shows noble qualities towards others to cast them in the light of champions. This is likely to incite inspiration and a desire within those who do not currently volunteer to follow in the paths of others making great “contributions”.this sentence is good! it relates to the contention In an attempt to underscore the omniscient and unending contribution of volunteers, she presents a long list of their initiatives. The range of activities from “…ambulance volunteers… beach clean-ups… lifesavers”, is designed at appealing to a variety of people. This augments the feeling of thanks within the audience. what is the audience likely to dooooThus, she reinforces the degree to which volunteer work to help our lives- to such a degree that this “enormous workforce” should not be “overlooked”. This verb’s connotations of disregard harangues those who do not praise the volunteers as it implies that not only do they lack appreciation for the sacrifices of others, but also because it implies that themselves are self-centred. Such sentiments of censure inspired within the audience members is designed to encourage them to recognise and applaud the aid of volunteers.

Having accepted the award, Nguyen demonstrates his down-to-earth, genuine and unpretentious character as he immediately slips into a colloquial tenor. This tenor is created by the lack of appropriate word  noooo don't evaluate the speakers word choices! this is suppose to be objectivechoices such as “Thanks heaps” and casual language like “loo”. even then, what is the purpose of using colloquial languageThus, he augments his appeal to fellow Australians as he argues that much unpaid aid work is required throughout the world. In a similar fashion to Bennett‘s attempts at overwhelming the audience through large figures, Nguyen includes a rhetorical question which he hopes will flabbergast the audience to understand that much volunteer work is needed; he asks the audience “did you know that 2.5 billion people do not have access to a loo?” The pathos elicited within the audience for such unfortunate members of society is reinforced by the imagery of inevitable and uncontainable destruction imbued by his reference to “natural disasters”. Underscoring the relative ease and accessibility of their work the normal day-to-day aspects of home are said to be in need of work such as “blocked… sinks”. This causes those not suffering such issues to reflect on how they have a duty to aid those who cannot experience what they take for granted and gives them a desire to become involved as a volunteer in the activities that are relatively simple yet benefit “Australia’s reputation”. woah long sentenceFinally, Nguyen argues that volunteering is not only such common aspect of human nature that a reward should not be expected, but volunteering itself is an award. Characterising his actions and those of other volunteers as the works of “…a decent human being”, he praises volunteers. This is achieved through “decent’s” connotations of acting respectably and upholding moral behaviour. In the same vein, he subtly urges those not volunteering to act like they ought to as human beings. To stress why they should become involved in volunteer work, he references the pleasure obtained and notes that they can improve their state of emotional feeling by becoming “happier than other people”. The optimism inspired within the audience from assisting in volunteer projects is given visual force through the presentation image behind him. The array of hands  i think you've got it but array of people from different cultures perhaps?joining in a team huddle symbolises the meaningful human connections which can be gained from such projects. Moreover, the circle in which they are arranged implies that the power of their contribution and their unity is unending. Indeed, when their gifts are combined as one more than just a “hand [can be] lend[ed]” to those in need.Whilst both are emphatic in their speeches, Bennett is more likely to appeal to corporates and those who merely contemplate the work of volunteers, as she leaves the audience with the resounding sense that “Bigsplash… value volunteers”. Whereas, Nguyen is more likely to appeal to the average Australian who is interested in becoming a volunteer as he concludes on a more direct and inspiring note that “Volunteering is its own reward”.

Okay, so disclaimer: I'm still a year 12.
I can see how you are trying to analyse the piece and weave in the effect which is always good! However, you want to try to analyse bits that relate to the author's main contention. So things like trying to encourage the organisations that did not win isn't really necessary. At times, I personally felt that it was a bit hard to follow what you were trying to say- break up your sentences. ALSO A BIG THING --> Please do not provide your own opinion on how the speaker has used their word/phrase choices so things like appropriately can seem like you are evaluating
Buttt your language is mostly great, and to be honest I probably didn't know half of the words you stated but make sure that they make sense in the context you put it. Remember that you can still get a really good mark by being concise and clear!! So the main thing I would say is try to analyse the effect in regards to the authors main contention before the exam!
(( don't really want to give it a mark because I don't want to say the wrong mark ))
Graduated in 2018. Top 5%.