Login

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

April 24, 2024, 12:14:55 am

Author Topic: Weekly Letter-to-the-Editor LA Practise Club!  (Read 40283 times)  Share 

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

sunshine98

  • Guest
Re: Weekly Letter-to-the-Editor LA Practise Club!
« Reply #30 on: September 24, 2015, 04:43:52 pm »
+5
Any feedback is welcomed, in year 12 or not, feel free to help out.

Edit: Language Analysis of the article above.
Here is some feedback.

Splash-Tackle-Flail

  • Victorian
  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 797
  • diagnosed with bangali-fever
  • Respect: +94
Re: Weekly Letter-to-the-Editor LA Practise Club!
« Reply #31 on: September 24, 2015, 06:29:10 pm »
0
My Language Analysis  :)
Spoiler
Following Big Tobacco's recent attempt to access a confidential student survey on smoking habits and purchase, Graham Lum has written a Letter to the Editor bitterly denouncing the morality of their actions. Lum appeals to an ultimately humanitarian readership urging them to share and voice their contempt of tobacco companies and their business ventures.

Lum immediately establishes his credibility as an experienced "medical practitioner" exposed to the influence of tobacco "for half a century", informing readers that his opinion is well researched and substantiated. He relates tobacco to then "destruction of lives", smoking it a "lethal habit", and the companies behind is as "pedlars of death", suggesting that by promoting tobacco, these companies are encouraging a younger audience to discard their future and their health.

This is followed by his short sharp opinion "I view is as nothing short of evil"; the isolated definitive statement emphatically removes any doubt of the tobacco company's immorality, while Lum's long-lasting experience, witnessing their "destruction of lives" almost exudes a sense of heartfelt authenticity. By relating these companies' "promoting and profiting" of tobacco to "criminals or sociopaths" Lum evokes disgust and righteous indignation in his readership that these companies have not faced charges for their exploitation of consumers, especially the targeted younger generation. This sense of injustice is only heightened when Lum informs us tobacco is "an addictive product, known to cause mortality and morbidity", suggesting these companies are conscious of the drug's consequences, yet still try to entice these children.

Although Lum remarks that Big Tobacco "may be acting within the law", he proceeds to highlight the unethical nature of their ploy; a subtle suggesting the government is far too lenient on tobacco companies. We are reminded of the fact the targets of Big Tobacco's venture are children, those often perceived as vulnerable and naive, further position readers to view these companies as inhumane and cruelly exploitative. Lum concludes his letter by attacking these companies' employees and "lawyers who defend these organisations", evident in the phrases "must struggle with their inner voices" and "quarantined their consciences". Through these attacks, Lum reiterates that these companies are all-knowing of the consequences of drugs, while also suggesting it is not only those in the tobacco company's authority that are morally degraded, but those indirectly supporting tobacco too. Readers are hence undoubtedly compelled to share Lum's resentment, not only of these companies, but of those defending these organisations too.

Will (hopefully) mark one either tonight or tomorrow!
« Last Edit: September 24, 2015, 06:56:26 pm by Splash-Tackle-Flail »
VCE: Done!
2016:  Monash University, Bachelor of Medicine/Bachelor of Surgery (Honours)
Currently offering Methods and Chemistry tutoring for 2016! (Currently full for 2016)
Splash's Life Tips :)
How to be the one who knocks

duo0024

  • Victorian
  • Adventurer
  • *
  • Posts: 24
  • Respect: +2
  • School Grad Year: 2015
Re: Weekly Letter-to-the-Editor LA Practise Club!
« Reply #32 on: September 24, 2015, 06:49:00 pm »
0
My first attempt at writing a piece on AN. Although I was very terrified and reluctant, I highly recommend others to join in because it felt great to write, well, something. Any feedback is welcomed. Cheers  :)
Also I would've placed my essay in a spoiler tab but I don't know how to lol.

duo0024

  • Victorian
  • Adventurer
  • *
  • Posts: 24
  • Respect: +2
  • School Grad Year: 2015
Re: Weekly Letter-to-the-Editor LA Practise Club!
« Reply #33 on: September 24, 2015, 07:15:40 pm »
+4
Here is splash-tackle-flail's feedback. Hope I helped you in some way.

Splash-Tackle-Flail

  • Victorian
  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 797
  • diagnosed with bangali-fever
  • Respect: +94
Re: Weekly Letter-to-the-Editor LA Practise Club!
« Reply #34 on: September 24, 2015, 07:48:53 pm »
+1
Here is splash-tackle-flail's feedback. Hope I helped you in some way.

Yep, I figured not proof-reading would be picked up on ;) Thanks heaps!

Edit: and with the spoiler thing, there is a button "Sp" underneath "change colour" that you can click, and then just type inside the 'box'.
VCE: Done!
2016:  Monash University, Bachelor of Medicine/Bachelor of Surgery (Honours)
Currently offering Methods and Chemistry tutoring for 2016! (Currently full for 2016)
Splash's Life Tips :)
How to be the one who knocks

Splash-Tackle-Flail

  • Victorian
  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 797
  • diagnosed with bangali-fever
  • Respect: +94
Re: Weekly Letter-to-the-Editor LA Practise Club!
« Reply #35 on: September 24, 2015, 08:10:23 pm »
+3
This is my la on this weeks piece.

Feedback for youuu
VCE: Done!
2016:  Monash University, Bachelor of Medicine/Bachelor of Surgery (Honours)
Currently offering Methods and Chemistry tutoring for 2016! (Currently full for 2016)
Splash's Life Tips :)
How to be the one who knocks

heids

  • Supreme Stalker
  • Honorary Moderator
  • ATAR Notes Superstar
  • *******
  • Posts: 2429
  • Respect: +1632
Re: Weekly Letter-to-the-Editor LA Practise Club!
« Reply #36 on: September 28, 2015, 08:57:56 pm »
+1
My first attempt at writing a piece on AN. Although I was very terrified and reluctant, I highly recommend others to join in because it felt great to write, well, something.

I was actually ridiculously excited to read this.  When I see people overcoming what I struggled with - and failed to overcome - last year... well, let's just say it makes me happy. :`)  Keep it up!!

This week's letter
Longer :)
NB it's evidently American as we don't have the death penalty in Aus (my free The Age limit ran out for the month :P)

Spoiler
People are scary as hell. No, I am not talking about death row inmates. I am talking about you, the average everyday human.

The death penalty is a stain on our already embarrassing criminal “justice” system. Until we go 20+ years without a single wrongful murder conviction there is no conceivable argument in favor of the death penalty that does not intrinsically make the case that murdering some innocent people is perfectly fine and justifiable as long as we kill some bad people too.

Read some comments from ordinary people today on Reddit, when it was pointed out that life imprisonment is cheaper than the death penalty (due to the costly appeal process):
“The solution to that is so simple: no Death Row. Sentence is passed and carried out same day.”
“Rope is cheap and re-usable. They knew how to handle this in the old days….”
“Two shots to the back of the head. Way cheaper.”
“Ideally, repeat offenders would just get put down immediately.”
“That’s because we allow them too many appeals. It would be extremely easy to lower the cost. Give them a couple years of appeals and then hang them.”


Their bloodlust is so high that they are honestly making the case that we should remove some, or all, of the protections against executing even more innocents!  These people are literally arguing that we should make it easier to accidentally kill good people if it means we can kill more bad people for cheaper. 

That is horrifying. I feel like much of the world never thinks shit through past their initial emotional reaction to things and that is why you people are just as terrifying, if not more so, than the violent criminal that is spending his life in prison. You people vote.
VCE (2014): HHD, Bio, English, T&T, Methods

Uni (2021-24): Bachelor of Nursing @ Monash Clayton

Work: PCA in residential aged care

Burt Macklin

  • Victorian
  • Trailblazer
  • *
  • Posts: 45
  • Respect: +6
Re: Weekly Letter-to-the-Editor LA Practise Club!
« Reply #37 on: September 30, 2015, 10:50:01 am »
+4
Here's my Week 2 LA:
Spoiler
The allegations of Big Tobacco companies accessing data to target their marketing to teenagers has been the subject of vehement debate. In a letter to the editor, Graham Lum weighs in on the issue contending in a condemnatory tone that Bio Tobacco companies are morally corrupt for attempting to market harmful tobacco products. Lum mainly employs the use of loaded language and denigration to persuade his readers towards his point of view.

Lum begins with establishing his credibility "as a medical practitioner", thereby compelling readers to assume this his rhetoric with regards to the effects of tobacco have some credence, especially if he has been practicing for "half a century". Consequently, the bombastic claims that tobacco products bring "destruction of lives" and are "nothing short of evil" are more likely to be readily accepted as justifiable by the reader. Such claims elicit fear in readers for the lives of those affected which, as a result, invokes disdain and horror towards tobacco companies that would be profiting from the pervasive destruction of lives of tobacco users.

Big Tobacco companies are positioned as "pedlars of death", insinuating to the reader that they are conciliatory towards the damaging effects of tobacco for self-gain. Furthermore, Lum continues to denigrate these companies for their lack of ethics and morals by dubbing their attempts to market as "shameful" and "diabolical". Readers are compelled to align themselves with the blief that tobacco companies are deserving of these allegations, which is further engendered by the insinuations of tobacco companies diabolically targeting the innocence of "children". This presents to the reader the irreparable corruption of tobacco companies as Lum emphasises how they have stooped to exploit the vulnerable.

As a result, the denigrations shift towards Lum employing a more personalised approach and judgemental tone as he targets "employees" and "lawyers who defend these organisations". Readers are confronted by the notion that conscience and the acts of tobacco companies are incompatible by suggesting that they "struggle with their inner voices". thereby challenging the reader with the idea that it is incredulous that these individuals are still working for corrupt tobacco companies.

Feedback for paper-back is attached!

heids

  • Supreme Stalker
  • Honorary Moderator
  • ATAR Notes Superstar
  • *******
  • Posts: 2429
  • Respect: +1632
Re: Weekly Letter-to-the-Editor LA Practise Club!
« Reply #38 on: September 30, 2015, 12:10:12 pm »
+2
^Awesome! As payment, here's my feedback on Burt Macklin's Week 1 piece:

Spoiler
The alleged abuses occurring at asylum seeker camps offshore Australia has been a contentious issue as of late. Greg Trenton weighs in on this issue in his letter to the editor entitled, “This ordinary bloke has finally had enough, contending in a disillusioned and exasperated tone that the deceit conducted by Australian politicians has reached a tipping point and that their failure to address the abuses at camp will be brought into public consciousness what exactly do you mean by the underlined part?. Trenton mainly adopts the use of colloquial language and denigration of politicians to persuade everyday Australian citizens towards his viewpoint nothing wrong with it, but it’s good to make a habit of cutting out anything vague and general like ‘persuades them to agree with his viewpoint’ as they don’t add anything to your analysis.
Really solid intro that ticks off boxes and says everything clearly and concisely.  Well done.

By establishing himself as an “ordinary bloke” who “[makes] ends meet”, Trenton has provided the reader with a representation of a man who seems familiar to them, therefore making them more inclined to trust his authenticity – as he is acutely aware of the actions of politicians, despite not giving “a rats about politics” your explanation is clear and really good - could you then expand further? Why does he present himself as someone who doesn't 'give a rats' about politics?  It's good and you could get more out of it. By employing the use of colloquial language such as “pollies” and “docs”, Trenton creates a personable tone noice, but by running multiple impacts together into one sentence, you miss a chance to analyse.  Why does he create a personable tone?  How is he trying to get the readers to view him through this tone, and why does he want them to view him that way?  How does it help persuade them? while simultaneously creating a divide between “ordinary Aussies” and the brazen “pollies” brilliant! now think about how this influences the reader and makes them feel towards the politicians. The divide is further developed by Trenton by mentioning the criticisms from noble doctors who “leave their cushy well-paid jobs” to aid compared to politicians who stay silent on the issue. This serves to highlight the suffering morality of politicians to the reader, as Trenton attempts to elicit an urgency to address the callousness of the government. To take this to a higher level (and yes, it’s already really high-quality, but I want you to go further!), expand on the point a bit longer.   You don’t have to try and cram analysis of a few phrases into one sentence; take the time to breathe and spread it out over a few sentences.  Think about that ‘leave their cushy well-paid jobs’ again.  Why does he say that?  How is he trying to make the readers view the doctors?  How do these words create this feeling?  And why does he want them to view the doctors that way?  Then, you brilliantly suggested he uses this to contrast with the politicians; so how does that make us feel about the politicians?  Do we like or dislike them, respect or despise them?  And thus what does that stimulate us to want to think or do? (you’ve answered most of these in very very brief detail, but could expand more over a couple of sentences)
Spoiler
‘cushy well-paid jobs’ – aims to make the readers view the doctors as self-sacrificing and noble, so they’ll see their claims as reliable rather than being made up for reasons of self-interest, thus they’ll believe the horrific conditions of the camps.  Contrasts with politicians who are presented as selfish, callous and unreliable, so we despise and don’t rely on them and thus believe they’re telling lies.

Trenton’s admission of the allegations going through the “keeper” as he makes “ends meet” serves to eliminate any readers’ predisposition to disregard his claims because of self-righteousness really great ideas here, well done!. Thus, the reader is more inclined to believe that Trenton is speaking from a place of genuine frustration; evident as he points out the politicians’ self-preservation in his irreverent jibe nice word towards a government who “can’t comment” because it would “alert the baddies”. Trenton’s mocking tone suggests to the reader the folly over allaying foes instead of prioritising humanitarian concerns encourages the reader to ridicule etc. Coupled with Trenton’s stance that he is “off to enrol”, he leaves readers with the belief that if current politicians are not capable, they will be able to vote in political changes. unclear last sentence, I don’t get what you’re trying to say

Summary: really good work, you obviously know the point of LA and are focusing on how the reader is influenced by the author's choices.  You could just go further and expand more, especially by asking yourself more questions all the time about why the author is doing this, how exactly the author wants the audience to view someone/thing involved (e.g. the author himself, the doctors, the politicians), why he wants the readers to view them like this, in what way the language makes them feel like this, etc. 

All the time keep asking questions about how it impacts the reader's views and why, and be willing to spread analysis of even just one sentence/phrase over a few sentences, rather than trying to cram 2-3 things into one sentence.  P.S. post 666, oooh what does that mean?
VCE (2014): HHD, Bio, English, T&T, Methods

Uni (2021-24): Bachelor of Nursing @ Monash Clayton

Work: PCA in residential aged care

tashhhaaa

  • Victorian
  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 899
  • Respect: +152
Re: Weekly Letter-to-the-Editor LA Practise Club!
« Reply #39 on: September 30, 2015, 06:44:04 pm »
0
sorry I'm a bit late with this guys, got caught up doing other things but here goes

this is also my first time posting on the forums *cue nerves*
and embarrassingly, it took longer than I care to admit :s

My Week 2 piece:
Spoiler
Tobacco companies' recent attempt to gain access to confidential survey data regarding teenagers' smoking habits and purchases has sparked widespread concern as explicated by medical practitioner Graham Lum's letter to the editor. Lum contends that tobacco companies' targeting of "children" is immoral and should warrant shame and concern. Lum adopts an authoritarian approach to vehemently reject the tobacco industry's "shameful" approach to expanding their clientele.

Graham Lum makes no attempt to hide his bias having been a "medical practitioner for half a century", using his expertise in the medical field to validate his view that smoking is "nothing short of evil". Lum's choice to open his letter with this statement instantly provokes readers to see his subsequent arguments as credible and worthy of their consideration. Furthermore, his condemnation of smoking plays on the negative connotations of the word "evil", suggesting to the reader that tobacco companies have a malicious agenda and that smoking habits are worthy of our concern. Lum then adopts an alliterative rhythm to liken anyone who "promot(es) and profits" from an "addictive product" as a "criminal or sociopath". This is intended to function in two ways: firstly, Lum's association of tobacco companies with "criminal(s)" and "sociopath(s)" serves to warn readers that those who endorse smoking are dangerous, dysfunctional members of society who that they manipulate the vulnerable who are prone to "addict[ion]". This can also be linked with his admission that Big Tobacco is "acting within the law", suggesting to readers that tobacco companies are not literal but "ethical and moral" criminals. This encourages the reader to reevaluate the intent of these companies and to consider withdrawing their support. Lum continues his theme of "morbidity and mortality" by labelling Big Tobacco as "pedlars of death", stressing that tobacco companies' desire to improve their marketing has the underlying subtext of selling death to anyone including "children". Lum's mention of children is particularly alarming to readers who are parents, appealing to their desire to love and protect their children, as well as evoking a sense of disgust that such companies would stoop to such "diabolical" behaviour to make a profit as they are without a "conscience".
conclusion: not sure how to do them!

reply to this if you need feedback

edit: I've got no idea why there's a line through it, disregard that
« Last Edit: October 01, 2015, 03:12:36 pm by bangali_lok »

tashhhaaa

  • Victorian
  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 899
  • Respect: +152
Re: Weekly Letter-to-the-Editor LA Practise Club!
« Reply #40 on: September 30, 2015, 07:18:45 pm »
+3
My first attempt at writing a piece on AN. Although I was very terrified and reluctant, I highly recommend others to join in because it felt great to write, well, something. Any feedback is welcomed. Cheers  :)
Also I would've placed my essay in a spoiler tab but I don't know how to lol.

some feedback for you:


duo0024

  • Victorian
  • Adventurer
  • *
  • Posts: 24
  • Respect: +2
  • School Grad Year: 2015
Re: Weekly Letter-to-the-Editor LA Practise Club!
« Reply #41 on: September 30, 2015, 09:04:46 pm »
+2
some feedback for you:



You have no idea how happy I am after I received your feedback. It's a great feeling  :D

tashhhaaa

  • Victorian
  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 899
  • Respect: +152
Re: Weekly Letter-to-the-Editor LA Practise Club!
« Reply #42 on: September 30, 2015, 10:27:43 pm »
0
You have no idea how happy I am after I received your feedback. It's a great feeling  :D

anytime! feel free to return the favour ;)

heids

  • Supreme Stalker
  • Honorary Moderator
  • ATAR Notes Superstar
  • *******
  • Posts: 2429
  • Respect: +1632
Re: Weekly Letter-to-the-Editor LA Practise Club!
« Reply #43 on: October 01, 2015, 03:17:44 pm »
0
edit: I've got no idea why there's a line through it, disregard that

Fixed!  (It happens when you put square brackets round an 's' when you're modifying a quote from the piece, e.g. profit[ s ])
VCE (2014): HHD, Bio, English, T&T, Methods

Uni (2021-24): Bachelor of Nursing @ Monash Clayton

Work: PCA in residential aged care

tashhhaaa

  • Victorian
  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 899
  • Respect: +152
Re: Weekly Letter-to-the-Editor LA Practise Club!
« Reply #44 on: October 01, 2015, 07:35:40 pm »
0
Fixed!  (It happens when you put square brackets round an 's' when you're modifying a quote from the piece, e.g. profit[ s ])

ah, I figured that so I changed some to round brackets but it was still happening :s I'm a such a noob hahah