Weekly Letter-to-the-Editor LA Practise Club!

[cosine]

Im in

[sunshine98]

Count me in 

[HasibA]

im in (don't put me in the excel spreadsheet though, haha i'm in year 11 so don't take my responses toooo seriously)
thank you ! 

[Splash-Tackle-Flail]

Sounds like a great idea, I'd love to be a part of it

Here's my first analysis on "This ordinary bloke has finally had enough".. (Hope this is what I was supposed to do  )

Thanks in advance to anyone who can give me feedback

K I'm joining in! I'll start off with some feedback of yours (really, really good imo)! And yeah this definitely sounds like fun. Definitely need something like this 'cause in the holidays I'll have nobody to chase me up on these kinds of things!

I probs won't write my own one of this cause I've already read yours Don't mind my excuse!- but my writing will be dwarfed in the shadows by yours ahha, and have a Context Sac to prepare for. But look out for one in the holidays!

[heids]

Well, with more members added and our first pieces and feedback already posted (many thanks Splash and all the rest to come, I'll be upvoting feedback vigilantly) - and most importantly, with those inferior pseudo-Englishers having attempted a wishy-washy imitation - we've got off to a good start!

Keep it coming, club

[paper-back]

Can I join? Although I might only post occasionally

I'm just going to submit my analysis here before I lose my nerves again
Well, here goes (Embarrassingly, it took me a few hours to do):

[cosine]

Can I join? Although I might only post occasionally

I'm just going to submit my analysis here before I lose my nerves again
Well, here goes (Embarrassingly, it took me a few hours to do):

In an introduction, you must include:
1. Author/writer
2. The issue, what is the article even about?
3. Place and date of publication
4. Title of the article
5. Tone of the article
6. Main contention

Your introduction is what I did not like, besides that your essay was really good, I particularly enjoyed the way you smoothly linked the impact on the readers from how Trenton uses his words. In your intro, you forgot to include the title of the article. Apart from this, you need to really work on your choice of words, as the essay gets repetitive, you said 'convey' at least 15 times in the essay, there are definitely more words to choose from and I listed some. Overall, you know what you are saying and it all makes sense, but the major improvement should be made towards choice of words and sentence structure.

Great job! xD

[paper-back]

Thanks for the feedback cosine!

[heids]

Hey guys, really sorry I haven't done this this week!  Moving house meant no internet till yesterday afternoon, sorry

A reminder that for this to work, you guys actually have to post pieces!  This means
a) DO NOT read other people's attempts/feedback before writing your own
b) aim to post your piece by Friday night each week.  Yes, that is in two days this week.  It's short so shouldn't be hard, but the point of this is to work a little, consistently, so please DO IT for your own sake.

In the first post I'm putting the letter and all links to pieces and feedback in spoilers, so you know who to give feedback to. 

This week's letter below (very short, so shouldn't take you long, and gives you a chance to delve more deeply into the language); note, I'll be posting next week's one on Monday.

Spoiler

Background: a confidential survey was run in schools which included questions about students' smoking habits and purchase.   Big tobacco companies then attempted to get access to this data, presumably to target their marketing more effectively to teens.

Letter:

As a medical practitioner for half a century I have witnessed firsthand the destruction of lives by tobacco products. I view it as nothing short of evil. It is incomprehensible how anyone other than a criminal or sociopath could justify promoting and profiting from an addictive product, known to cause mortality and morbidity.

While Big Tobacco may be acting within the law, it has abandoned any pretence to be ethical or moral. For such pedlars of death to entice those of a mature age to take up such a lethal habit is shameful, but seeking to influence children to risk their health would be diabolical. I expect that employees of such companies must struggle with their inner voices. I can only assume that lawyers who defend these organisations have somehow quarantined their consciences.

Graham Lum North Rocks

[cosine]

Any feedback is welcomed, in year 12 or not, feel free to help out.

Edit: Language Analysis of the article above.

[sunshine98]

This is my la on this weeks piece.
 

[elysian]

Hey
I;m joining in, add me to the excel spreadsheet.
Do I start from week 1 or do i do this week's one?

[Burt Macklin]

I'd also like to join the club!

Here's my Week 1 LA (with Week 2 coming before Friday night hopefully):

Spoiler

The alleged abuses occurring at asylum seeker camps offshore Australia has been a contentious issue as of late. Greg Trenton weighs in on this issue in his letter to the editor entitled, “This ordinary bloke has finally had enough, contending in a disillusioned and exasperated tone that the deceit conducted by Australian politicians has reached a tipping point and that their failure to address the abuses at camp will be brought into public consciousness. Trenton mainly adopts the use of colloquial language and denigration of politicians to persuade everyday Australian citizens towards his viewpoint.

By establishing himself as an “ordinary bloke” who “[makes] ends meet”, Trenton has provided the reader with a representation of a man who seems familiar to them, therefore making them more inclined to trust his authenticity – as he is acutely aware of the actions of politicians, despite not giving “a rats about politics”. By employing the use of colloquial language such as “pollies” and “docs”, Trenton creates a personable tone while simultaneously creating a divide between “ordinary Aussies” and the brazen “pollies”. The divide is further developed by Trenton by mentioning the criticisms from noble doctors who “leave their cushy well-paid jobs” to aid compared to politicians who stay silent on the issue. This serves to highlight the suffering morality of politicians to the reader, as Trenton attempts to elicit an urgency to address the callousness of the government.

Trenton’s admission of the allegations going through the “keeper” as he makes “ends meet” serves to eliminate any readers’ predisposition to disregard his claims because of self-righteousness. Thus, the reader is more inclined to believe that Trenton is speaking from a place of genuine frustration; evident as he points out the politicians’ self-preservation in his irreverent jibe towards a government who “can’t comment” because it would “alert the baddies”. Trenton’s mocking tone suggests to the reader the folly over allaying foes instead of prioritising humanitarian concerns. Coupled with Trenton’s stance that he is “off to enrol”, he leaves readers with the belief that if current politicians are not capable, they will be able to vote in political changes.

And feedback for izzywantsa97 (I hope you get that 97):

Spoiler

Australia’s corrupt and immoral political system has been attacked by Greg Trenton in his opinion pieceletter to the editor, posted onin The Age entitled ‘This ordinary bloke has finally had enough’. In a frustrated and outraged tone, Trenton contends to his readership that politicians are taking advantage of the nation’s despondence to protect their own interests, and abuse ‘ordinary Aussies’this is unclear, ultimately seeking to position readers to fight against the political leaders.I think "fight against political leaders" could be phrased better.

The writer first movesagain, could be phrased better (maybe "From the onset, the writer criticises..."?) to criticise the ‘brazen’ abuse of the legal system by Australia’s political leaders. Immediately positioning himself as an ‘ordinary bloke’ whose ‘400k mortgage’ and family life place him in circumstances similar to those of many Australians, Trenton seeks to implicitly align himself alongside his audience through identifying with shared values to gain favour. This aims to make readers feel that the writer understands the concerns of his readership, and so positions them to be more receptive to his contention.A good sentence; but it sounds generic so I would be more specific to Trenton's contention and audience Lamenting that he is ‘sick of being taken for an idiot’, Trenton asserts that Australia’s public is being manipulated by self-centred politicians, leading readers to feel cheated by the poor behaviour of politicians and frustrated by their ‘abuse’ of perks. In this manner, by invoking dissent amongst his readers, Trenton may compel his audience to ‘finally’ take action against the political system.Nice.

Moreover, the writer then seeks to denounce the treatment onof asylum seekers by the government. Indirectly referencing the offshore detention scheme by highlighting the ‘ordinary Aussies’ that arrive in Australia ‘from camps…set up on islands’, the writer immediately seeks to contradict the government’s stance and identify asylum seekers as ‘ordinary’, and not the ‘baddies’ they are purported to be. This appeals to the audience’s sense of justice, as they are led to oppose the poor treatment of refugees by the government, and instead seek a humane alternative. Furthermore, the writer seeks to instil a sense of culpability in his readers by asserting that offshore detention has been created to ‘protect me’. The use of the exclusive personal pronoun ‘me’ aims to emphasise his personal blame and convey to readers that each individual’s lack of action perpetrates the ‘abuse of kids’ in ‘gulags’, ultimately inviting readers to admit an individual accountability and move to voice criticisms of the scheme.

Other than a few minor things and phrasing, this is very nice. Great job:)

[paper-back]

My LA for this week:

[heids]

Glad you're joining in all, spreadsheet and first post links updated

Hey
I;m joining in, add me to the excel spreadsheet.
Do I start from week 1 or do i do this week's one?

Cool Totally up to you, but I recommend starting with week 1 just because it happened to be a really awesome letter to analyse.