After reading the replies I get after getting extremely disheartened, I tried my best to not let those thoughts get the good of me, with very little luck...
My parents knew about this, they congratulate me for passing the exam with exactly 50% after all the hard work I put in.. part of me felt relieved I am not being put down, however part of me felt insulted and that I am lacking the capacity I need... I experience countless of mood swings between keeping myself motivated to try even harder and feeling utterly devastated wish to get out of the HSC and possibly end my own life as I cannot bear it any longer.... Last night I could not sleep properly as I felt immense disappointment and experience chest pain and heavy breathings... I am a very weak individual indeed and I know I cannot trust anyone nor can anyone help my conditions but perhaps this pathetic self... And I hated to see myself the way I am now... I swear all I could do is complain ATM, what the hell am I?
Hey, clovvy. I felt it was really important to me to talk straight, so here we go.
Let's stop talking about school for a moment.
First thing you need to do, right now, is breathe.
In, out. Focus on your breathing. Close your eyes and focus on the feeling of slowly and deliberately filling your lungs with air, your chest expanding. Then hold it for two seconds and breathe out in a steady stream, like blowing on hot food until you have no more air in your lungs. Then do it again, and again, until you can think straight and see what you've just written.
I know how hard it can be to live with anxiety, or severe disappointment in yourself and your abilities to deal with things that go wrong. It's okay to feel disappointed in your marks. It's
not okay to continually dwell on the disappointment, because this is what's dragging you down. Try to consciously think positively. This is really hard at the start, but it gets easier. Don't sacrifice your health for your work, because in the end you're human, and no human can live on adrenaline and stress and sheer grit for long. The HSC isn't going to be nice to you, so don't be nice to it.
But please, for the love of all things sacred, be nice to yourself.
And sometimes we just need to let out our stresses and pains and negative thoughts. You're using the forum as an outlet, and that's okay. If complaining makes you feel better, go for it. And know that no matter how bad your marks are, you're still appreciated by your friends and your family - even us here on AN. And you deserve to be appreciated by yourself.
I wrote an article a while ago that I think might help you with how you feel. Please read through it and take into account what I've learned, and am still learning, from experience very similar to yours. And please tell your parents how you feel, and maybe go see a school counselor. You're not alone in this, and people can help you. You just need to take the step and get help before you can feel better about yourself. And once you're on the road to recovery, then you can reach your full potential and absolutely smash the HSC. I know you can do it, but it starts on the inside.
It starts with a deep breath in, and a long breath out.
Okay?
Peace, my friend,
~ Nina