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Author Topic: English Standard AOS- Discovery  (Read 3113 times)

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clovvy

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English Standard AOS- Discovery
« on: January 10, 2018, 09:15:01 am »
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Hi, this draft is written to try fix my essay for my first assessment, I would like to get some feedback on this thank you
2018 HSC: 4U maths, 3U maths, Standard English, Chemistry, Physics

rasha25

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Re: English Standard AOS- Discovery
« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2018, 10:31:55 am »
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Hi, this draft is written to try fix my essay for my first assessment, I would like to get some feedback on this thank you

Hi, I would love to check your essay and give feedback, do you have a question to the assessment task?  :)
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Opengangs

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Re: English Standard AOS- Discovery
« Reply #2 on: January 10, 2018, 10:50:02 am »
+8
    Hi, clovvy.

    Sure thing! The essay with comments is inside the spoiler tag.

Essay (marked)
Discovery can be defined as an act or process of discovering or being discovered. (this argument is what we call circular reasoning; refer to the comment for more detail) The context of discovery can embody various connotations, meanings and concepts. It can be evoked by curiosity and wonder, or through deliberate actions or it can be sudden and unexpected which exemplify new understanding. Discoveries could be represented in various ways such as self discovery which involves understanding of one’s self, and interpersonal discovery which involves understanding of one’s surrounding. In Michael Gow’s play ‘Away’ and Justin Farley’s ‘Finding myself’, the aspects of interpersonal discovery is explored through political and social contexts that develops or confront one’s perspective and understanding of the world around them which could lead to self-discovery and emotional discovery of one’s self and discovery may change a person as a result. (it's fine and all, but you're cramming too many ideas into your introduction; for the sake of demonstrating what I mean, I've underlined every new idea you're writing about)

In ‘Away’, Gwen encompasses both social and political aspects of discovery. (the focus should shift back to the composer and not the character) Gwen is a prime example of how discovery could challenge one’s micro-perspective. Gwen is shown to have a bossy character and she is dominant to her husband Jim, which defies the perceptions of women in the political and social context of the 1960’s. At the beginning of ‘Away’, Gow introduces Gwen as a materialistic snob when she bragged about her possessions in her caravan “with everything you could want in it”. (retell)  This deprecatory attitude continues, when Gwen is packing bags with Meg and begins to criticise Meg’s behaviour to assert dominance “I wish some people did a bit more, with a bit more preparation”. (retell) Gow exhibits a contrast of Gwen’s aggressive, obnoxious nature before she discovers a sense of revitalisation and rejuvenation. Gwen’s transformation is first seen after the storm. Her sense of materialism declined as her possessions have been washed away and destroyed. The storm acts as a source of Gwen’s realisation of what is indeed important, as it metaphorically ‘washes away’ her issues. Tom acts as the catalyst for the final stage of Gwen’s transformation. Gwen spoke to Vic and discovers his condition she opens her mind and through self-discovery realises how precious her loved ones are. As a result, Gwen is now more aware of the way she has treated others shown in her conversation with Jim, “What do you think of me? You must hate me? Why do you still bother? I’m sorry” which indicate Gwen’s realization her callousness and deficiency in empathy. The combination of the storm and Tom confronts Gwen’s perspective of materialism and as a result changes her micro perspectives and discover a new way to live. (think about the significance of Gow's ideas in relation to discovery, and why this is important to the audience)
 
Likewise, in the poem, ‘Finding myself’, Farley refers to social and political contexts and values, (nice; I like this) “But by keeping the status quo, you’ll never find the piece of yourself you’ve been missing all your life – the piece of you that makes come alive” (Stanza 6).  The repetition of “the piece” acts as a catalyst to one’s own functioning and transitioning of their own journey and pathway of discovery. Farley insinuates that social and political fixated contexts and values may act as barriers and restrictions to one’s own search to rediscovering their own sense of self. (see if you can finish this off; it's a good start)

Discovery can evoke wondrous passion that enables new understandings of micro and macro realms. (ooh, interesting idea) ‘Finding Myself’ by Justin Farley presents that finding yourself can prove to be very challenging to most people, but individuals should recognise that each one of us are unique, and blessed with unique talents as well as gifts. (fair enough; a bit long, though) In most cases an individual lacks courage when showing to the macro world who he truly is, thus creating a social barrier. The symbolic connotation of the title ‘Finding Myself’ conveys the curiosity and wonder of seeking to discover not only himself but his world. During the process of ‘finding’ it gives and allows Farley to experience a sense of rediscovery and can lead to new realms of understanding, opportunities, transitions and change. (again, see if you can finish this off; it's a good start)

Similarly, (I like how you're trying to draw a comparison) in the play ‘Away’, Tom, can be perceived as a symbolic connotation and of awe and wonder, hence a catalyst for other characters to transition and transform their minds to acts of renewal through social and personal contexts and values. (a bit long, but a much better start. Do you see why this is much better?) Tom acts as a metaphoric reminder to the other characters of the importance and significance of life and that the nurturing of love and relationships lead to strong and distinct satisfying acts of self discovery. (a bit long. See if you can simplify the first two sentences into one; it's a lot more effective when done right) This is evident when Coral evokes much curiosity in Tom as she states, “…I want to follow you wherever you go”. Tom responds, “You don’t belong here. You must return to your own world and your own people…”. Coral objects to this through the emotive language, “I cannot walk, I am afraid”, alluding to the metaphoric connotation of her lack of understanding of self and the broadening of her world. Tom’s positive emotive reply, “I will show you how” acts a symbolic contrast to that said previously, in which he accepts to support and encourage Coral find her sense of being, not only physically but mentally, through igniting her perspective of curiosity and wonder to walking through life again.

Thus, both texts embody themes of rejuvenation, acceptance and transition into new micro beings and macro spheres. Through various linguistic devices, the notion of individual discovery is apparent through Tom and Gwen in Away and Justin Farley in Finding Myself. their exploration of self is catalysed through social, cultural and personal contexts and values. This heightens the significance of exploration into new journeys of self-discovery. Both Gow and Farley have also exemplified the notion of internal and external discovery through personal, social and political contexts and values. Discoveries are significantly evoked through notions of curiosity and wonder in which act as catalysts to new pathways of understanding one’s sense of self and the world which causes the renewing of one’s perspective or change as a person altogether.
Mark: 7/15
General feedback:
Introduction
Circular definitions are pretty common, but they should be avoided when writing an academic paper. It takes on the form where one tries to define the subject using the subject itself. For instance, the first line attempts to define the term 'discovery', using its root word "discover". This defeats the purpose of definitions, yet it's a very common fallacy we all face. Take a look at some examples of circular reasoning.

As a general rule of thumb, your thesis should provide new insights to the question at hand. I can't specifically help without the question, but you shouldn't ever define what discovery as your thesis. It's a very narrow expression of ideas, but rather explore the significance of discovery to both, the composers and the audience.

Within your introduction, limit the number of conceptual ideas to a minimum. You should only be discussing the ideas that are explored in both texts, and any other conceptual ideas can be discussed in parallel to your big ideas. In this way, you're not simply writing shallowly because of the number of ideas you have.

Body paragraph 1: Away
Remember that the AoS component is an Area of Study; it's a conceptual module, and so the main focus should be shifted towards how the composer and audience are affected by the discoveries the characters make. Don't make them too textually-based, because that then becomes a textual comparison rather than conceptual.

You need to be shifting away from the retelling of the plot as you do to more substantial analysis of its significance. Think of WHY and HOW Gow uses this to demonstrate ideas of discovery towards the audience; does it invoke a response to the audience? If so, what specifically is being responded to? Once you begin to think deeply about the specifics of his text, only then will you begin to make clearer and more insightful comments on the text.

On top of this, you'll need more textual evidence to support your ideas. Be wary of how you may present these pieces of evidence. Does it make sense with the argument you're making, and if not, could you find a better example to suit your argument? Textual evidence is still important as it forms the crux of your argumentative writing; after all, there's no point in claiming your case if you don't have any evidence to back it up.

Body paragraph 2: Finding myself
First of all, I can safely say that this is incomplete, but I'm only going to critique what is being written and not what is not.

I really like the way you're trying to draw a comparison between the two with the opening word 'likewise'. It shows a careful consideration with the way you're approaching the ideas explored. I also believe you've done a better job in the three sentences here than you did in the first paragraph.

Greater detail will help to elevate your level of writing to a whole new level. Going more in depth with the significance of the ideas you're exploring will definitely help, but it's not a bad start.

Body paragraph 3: Finding myself
I can see that you're trying to dive deeper, but they are still lacking in many areas. It's not easy, but when done right, it becomes a very effective way of communicating your ideas to the marker.
Avoid retell as much as possible!! It's easy to fall back into retelling, but we can avoid them by thinking deeper into how the composers use literary devices to portray discovery the way they do. Don't tell us about the discoveries made by the character; tell us about why this is important to US, and what it informs us about.

Body paragraph 4: Away
I really like your first sentence; it brings in ideas, and allows us to see the significance of this piece of analysis (in that it transforms us). However, you begin to fall back into retelling. Don't tell us about the conversation between Coral and Tom; instead, think more deeply about what this means about the ideas you had at the beginning of the paragraph.

You could think about it as: Gow presents Tom as an extended metaphor to the significance of life, demonstrating strong and desired acts of self discovery. Gow uses emotive language from Coral's speech "I cannot walk, I am afraid" to demonstrate her lack of self-understanding.
Do you notice the difference?

What to do next
Don't panic! You still got 3 terms to improve with your writing. For now, your goal should be to shift from retelling the plot to analysing the significance of the ideas. To do this, think about what you're writing. Can it argued? If not, you're most likely telling us a brief synopsis.

Go back to reading your texts and draw out deeper connections to discovery. Think about the way we, as the audience, respond to the discoveries made. Does it inform us? Does it frighten us? And then how is this formed through textual analysis?

Finally, keep redrafting your essays. Send them here, and a graduate or another HSC student may mark them like I did here.

Keep your head held high; no one is expecting you to draft a perfect essay the first time round, but by improving them every draft, you will jump from a 7 to a 15 by the time the HSC rolls around. Good luck with the HSC![/list]
« Last Edit: January 10, 2018, 10:54:41 am by Opengangs »

clovvy

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Re: English Standard AOS- Discovery
« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2018, 11:36:41 am »
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The question for this one is 'An individual's discoveries and their process of discovering can vary according to contexts and values. How is this represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?'.... Now I want to edit it again for my half yearly where the question is not given to me... and I was told that I am supposed to start with my core text first before my related (as in body 1 and 3 core and 2 and 4 related for comparison)
« Last Edit: January 10, 2018, 11:39:39 am by clovvy »
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Opengangs

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Re: English Standard AOS- Discovery
« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2018, 11:43:51 am »
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The question for this one is 'An individual's discoveries and their process of discovering can vary according to contexts and values. How is this represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?'.... Now I want to edit it again for my half yearly where the question is not given to me... and I was told that I am supposed to start with my core text first before my related (as in body 1 and 3 core and 2 and 4 related for comparison)
Hi, clovvy.

It's not a requirement to start with your core, but it's recommended to do so. The main focus should be on the prescribed text and have the related text as an additional resource to expound your argument. However, if it feels more free-flowing, you can start with the related. Just note that in the HSC, the markers are teachers across the 700 NSW schools, so if they feel like it should be core first, they may feel obligated to take a mark off.

clovvy

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Re: English Standard AOS- Discovery
« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2018, 09:46:28 pm »
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To make assist a lot easier, I'll probably post my related here and the analysis
Spoiler
Finding Myself – A Poem About the Journey of Self Discovery

The search for truth keeps me
Trekking across uncharted lands
And diving under unventured seas
Where I find myself alone,
Without the comfort of familiarity.

I have walked out onto the plank too far
To not take the plunge –
Bound myself in the shackles of curiosity
And distanced myself from past experiences
And previous peers.
I was once a jolly pirate,
But am now the prisoner
They push overboard and feed to the sharks.

But I must listen to the call of my heart –
The call that won’t let me live content
Following worn paths walked by countless others,
Taking the road society says leads to success.
I wish it wasn’t so…
It would be much easier
If I could distract myself from meaning,
From searching for the answers to this string of thoughts
Unraveling in my mind, but I cannot.

I can’t look upon the forest
In the midst of spring,
Watch the birds rest atop
The branches at the break of dawn,
Or feel the wind breathe across my face
Without the taste of some eternal truth
Lingering on the tip of my tongue,
Reminding me of a magic I felt
During days when I was young,
Some glorious mystery that awakens
My taste buds and makes them yearn for more.

I am a seeker,
Seeking beauty, seeking truth.
And to deny myself the journey of self discovery
For the sake of comfort
Is a travesty of my heart
And of the one who created it.

It’s never easy to abandon the crowds,
Leave the pack,
And become a lone wolf,
But by keeping the status quo
You’ll never find the piece of yourself
You’ve been missing all your life –
The piece of you that you’ve been afraid to acknowledge,
The piece of you that connects you to your destiny,
The piece of your puzzle that fits perfectly into place
Forming a beautiful portrait,
And the piece of you that makes you come alive.

It’s time.
You’re ready.
Share the real you
With the world.

-Poem Written by Justin Farley
2018 HSC: 4U maths, 3U maths, Standard English, Chemistry, Physics

rasha25

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Re: English Standard AOS- Discovery
« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2018, 01:20:09 am »
+1
The question for this one is 'An individual's discoveries and their process of discovering can vary according to contexts and values. How is this represented in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?'.... Now I want to edit it again for my half yearly where the question is not given to me... and I was told that I am supposed to start with my core text first before my related (as in body 1 and 3 core and 2 and 4 related for comparison)

Hello there, so based on the question I read your essay and gave some feedback. I think overall its a good attempt but there are areas of improvement in terms of structure, style and clarity. I am not a teacher nor am I a professional marker, my feedback is solely based on my experience as a student and the feedback/teaching presented to me during school. Hope its helpful in anyway, if you have any questions feel free to ask me  :)
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clovvy

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Re: English Standard AOS- Discovery
« Reply #7 on: January 11, 2018, 10:48:26 am »
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Hello there, so based on the question I read your essay and gave some feedback. I think overall its a good attempt but there are areas of improvement in terms of structure, style and clarity. I am not a teacher nor am I a professional marker, my feedback is solely based on my experience as a student and the feedback/teaching presented to me during school. Hope its helpful in anyway, if you have any questions feel free to ask me  :)

the attachment is in fact just my essay, I don't see any feedback? (I am still editing my essay and I will get it done sometime today)
2018 HSC: 4U maths, 3U maths, Standard English, Chemistry, Physics

clovvy

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Re: English Standard AOS- Discovery
« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2018, 12:06:30 pm »
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It seems that I can't keep my own words -_- as I promised myself to finish off yesterday (which did not happen).... anyway I am struggling with the first paragraph.... reason being I keep retelling stories without really going into depth on the significance of Gow's idead in terms of discovery.... I have removed a lot of quotes where it is a retell but I don't really know how to replace it (I have also shortened my introduction and removed any ideas that I find 'unnecessary'. so far this is what I've done which is not much

Spoiler
The multifaceted nature and process of discovery is defined through one's own experiences presented by their own context. In doing so, the value of individuality shapes their perspectives on relationships and viewpoint on reality. In Michael Gow’s play ‘Away’ and Justin Farley’s ‘Finding myself’ the aspects of interpersonal and intrapersonal discovery is explored through political and social contexts that develops or confront one’s perspective and understanding of the micro and macro world around them which lead to self-discovery and emotional discovery of one’s self and discovery may change a person as a result.

Discovery is defined through one’s own experiences presented by their social and political context. In Gow’s play ‘Away’, both social and political discovery is encompassed through the characters experiences in the play. Gwen is a prime example of how discovery could challenge one’s micro-perspective. Gwen is shown to have a bossy character and she is dominant to her husband Jim, which defies the perceptions of women in the political and social context of the 1960’s. Gow exhibits a contrast of Gwen’s aggressive, obnoxious nature before she discovers a sense of revitalisation and rejuvenation. Gwen’s transformation is first seen after the storm. Her sense of materialism declined as her possessions have been washed away and destroyed.  The storm acts as a source of Gwen’s realisation of what is indeed important, as it metaphorically ‘washes away’ her issues. Tom acts as the catalyst for the final stage of Gwen’s transformation. Gwen spoke to Vic and discovers his condition she opens her mind and through self-discovery realises how precious her loved ones are. As a result, Gwen is now more aware of the way she has treated others shown in her conversation with Jim, “What do you think of me? You must hate me? Why do you still bother? I’m sorry” which indicate Gwen’s realization her callousness and deficiency in empathy. The combination of the storm and Tom confronts Gwen’s perspective of materialism and as a result changes her micro perspectives and discover a new way to live.



 
2018 HSC: 4U maths, 3U maths, Standard English, Chemistry, Physics

Opengangs

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Re: English Standard AOS- Discovery
« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2018, 12:46:00 pm »
+3
Hey there, don't worry. We're here to guide you!

Your introduction and first paragraph will be in the spoiler attached.

Introduction and first paragraph
The multifaceted nature and process of discovery is defined through one's own experiences presented by their own context. In doing so, the value of individuality shapes their perspectives on relationships and viewpoint on reality. In Michael Gow’s play ‘Away’ and Justin Farley’s ‘Finding Myself’, the aspects of interpersonal and intrapersonal discovery is explored through political and social contexts that (is) develop(ed through) or confront one’s perspective and understanding of the micro and macro world around them which lead to self-discovery and emotional discovery of one’s self and discovery may change a person as a result. (This sentence is really weirdly worded, in that it has too many ideas working in itself. Consider breaking it down into one main idea for your introduction. Another sentence referencing the audience should help to enclose this otherwise decent introduction. Of course, throughout the year, we'll be working closely on how you can elevate your flair.)

Discovery is defined through one’s own experiences presented by their social and political context. (Give us a new insight; you seem to have repeated yourself from the introduction. Your topic sentence should provide a new perspective on the question, supporting your thesis) In Gow’s play ‘Away’, both social and political discovery is encompassed through the character's experiences in the play. Gwen is a prime example of how discovery could challenge one’s micro-perspective. Gwen is shown to have a bossy character and she is dominant to her husband Jim, which defies the perceptions of women in the political and social context of the 1960’s. (Reword it so that it doesn't seem messy) Gow exhibits a contrast of Gwen’s aggressive, obnoxious nature before she discovers a sense of revitalisation and rejuvenation. Gwen’s transformation is first seen after the storm. Her sense of materialism declined as her possessions have been washed away and destroyed. (You're focusing too heavily on the transformation the character makes; try to think deeper into composer and the audience's perspective, rather than the character) The storm acts as a source of (to) Gwen’s realisation of what is indeed important, as it metaphorically ‘washes away’ her issues. Tom acts as the catalyst for the final stage of Gwen’s transformation. Gwen spoke to Vic and discovers his condition she opens her mind and through self-discovery realises how precious her loved ones are. As a result, Gwen is now more aware of the way she has treated others shown in her conversation with Jim, “What do you think of me? You must hate me? Why do you still bother? I’m sorry” which indicate Gwen’s realization her callousness and deficiency in empathy. The combination of the storm and Tom confronts Gwen’s perspective of materialism and as a result changes her micro perspectives and discover a new way to live.(There's still quite a lot of retelling going on)

A lot better than your earlier attempt, and I can see that you're trying to get rid of retelling. The main problem now is that you're focusing too heavily on how the characters are transforming rather than the composer and audience. Since you focus on the texts themselves, it becomes really easy to start retelling the plot.

Your goal now is to shift from a text-focused approach to a more concept-focused approach. You shouldn't be placing so much emphasis on how the characters change but rather on how we respond to these changes. Why is it significant? And then, what literary devices are employed by the composer to explore this notion?

rasha25

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Re: English Standard AOS- Discovery
« Reply #10 on: January 12, 2018, 06:35:25 pm »
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the attachment is in fact just my essay, I don't see any feedback? (I am still editing my essay and I will get it done sometime today)

Oh that's very strange, sorry about that. Here is another attachment bellow. Have a lovely day :)
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clovvy

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Re: English Standard AOS- Discovery
« Reply #11 on: January 20, 2018, 11:58:00 pm »
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Hi, (I did not finish editing my essay T_T)
I notice that I am terribly weak in creative writing partly because I tend to have a perfectionist mindset and often discard my writings after 2 sentences or one paragraph... I don't know if this is more of a habit issue, mindset issue or lack of understanding of rubric or lack of creativity and vocabulary... because I have been reading a handful of band 6 creative writing and I tend to get intimidated by the skilfull use of high vocabs which I do not have most of the time.... (I noticed that I panicked the most for creative writing, I fear that the plot is terrible and the story will make me cringe at some point, I was often told that I am still in the holiday season so I shouldn't panick too much...)

I know that the stimulus can be random, so how to make a story plot that can be adapted to almost anything (just general tips perhaps)?
2018 HSC: 4U maths, 3U maths, Standard English, Chemistry, Physics

rasha25

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Re: English Standard AOS- Discovery
« Reply #12 on: January 21, 2018, 11:07:23 am »
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Hi, (I did not finish editing my essay T_T)
I notice that I am terribly weak in creative writing partly because I tend to have a perfectionist mindset and often discard my writings after 2 sentences or one paragraph... I don't know if this is more of a habit issue, mindset issue or lack of understanding of rubric or lack of creativity and vocabulary... because I have been reading a handful of band 6 creative writing and I tend to get intimidated by the skilfull use of high vocabs which I do not have most of the time.... (I noticed that I panicked the most for creative writing, I fear that the plot is terrible and the story will make me cringe at some point, I was often told that I am still in the holiday season so I shouldn't panick too much...)

I know that the stimulus can be random, so how to make a story plot that can be adapted to almost anything (just general tips perhaps)?

Hello there,
Okay first off DON'T STRESS!!
I know that writing the perfect story can be daunting and what you mentioned to do when you write (have the perfectionist mindset), I pretty much have that too it took time to control, just remind yourself before starting any work that yes the creative writing or works of others that you have read may sound and be almost perfection but think about how many times it took them as a writer to perfect it. They must have went through several editing processes some may have even had to change the whole plot. In the end they produced a well written response not because they are perfect writters but because they just wrote and wrote several times and had their work changed multiple times.

General Tips for Creative or any writing:
- When you start any writting I suggesst you plan what your going to do and then write whatever comes to your mind... Any ideas, thoughts or even words just WRITEEE!!  :)
- Have your work checked wheather it is finished or not... Let multiple people check your work before your teacher does, then edit and change and add on and finally show your teacher...
- Be open to criticism and feedback... I know personally that when you write work that looks perfect to you and you appreciate it because of the time and effort put in, you feel kind of let down when you recive critical feedback but in the end its all worth it leading up to the HSC... What's said and critiqued by your teacher is better than having that let you down when it comes to the final HSC Exams.

Suggestions for Integrating the Stimulus:
- Just be mindful that they would not give a stimulus that is hard to integrate in your story... A very helpful tip is: Do not adapt your story to suit the stimulus adapt the stimulus to suit your story
- When it comes to where to place the stimulus, I always suggest doing it earlier on in your creative as it grabs the markers attention and you don't have to worry about it later on in your writing. What I usually do is place it in the beginning of my writing than continue with my story and right before I finish I remind the reader of it again towards the end. But that's just one way to look at it, there is no set in stone where you should place it in your story, it's entirely up to you and how/where you see it in your story  :)
- I can sense that you may be struggling for inspiration, my suggestion is to: Leave the creative writing for a whole day, dont think about it and look at it (or read other stories). This will help your mind be at ease and welcome inspiration  :)
- Another tip: Before you write your creative talk to some people to get some fresh ideas and opinions, go out and do some activities you like, you'd be surprised about the inspiration that you may get from sitting in the park looking at birds  :)

I just realised how much I wrote, sorry for the excessive long read. Finally tip, don't stress, yes it is just the holidays and I know you probably want to finish your creative before school starts, just be mindful that writing a creative piece is a lengthy process on its own, different from an essay and it will take time before you perfect your story. Good luck and hope this was useful   :)
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