English: Imaginative Short Story

[Phytoplankton]

This short story is about how a facet of identity is represented in contemporary Australian life and reflects the poem 'Ancestors' by Peter Skrzynecki. It is, of course, unfinished but I wanted to see if I was on the right track. Here is the short story for General English FA3:
...
Perhaps it was by mistake that he was awakened so suddenly from his sleep. Bewildered at how he ended up at this train station, he sat up and seemed not to notice the light drizzle of rain conjuring a sweet pattern upon his exposed skin. Inadvertently, he pushed his finger against a particularly abused patch of skin above his right knee, making him flinch abruptly and become unnervingly aware of his solitude in this derelict train station. Apart from this small bruise, what was even more disturbing was the lack of any sign of violence that he’s suffered. However, this was not the only thing. There was no picture of anything whatsoever in his mind, not even the shadow of a memory. With boundless dismay, he perceives that he no longer has the faintest memory of a journey on a train or ending up in this worn-down station.

Isolation hung in the air. The shattered tin roof, ineffectually covered the concrete floor beneath, attempted to be a silent observer in the silver moonlight, pathetic, scant and uncompelling. What cared they for this man’s unfortunate troubles? The train station was only lit by the whimsical scattering of stars that glimmered feebly through the perforations in the corroded tin roof. A mellow breeze whispered through the gaps above the middle-aged man’s head. A shaft of twilight radiance bathed the timeworn concrete granting it a momentary focus.

In the impenetrable darkness and his vision acute, he didn’t have luck with his attempts to decipher the name of the station. As a normal person would do, he began feeling about himself. Beginning from the top right of his cotton, saturated shirt, he rapidly scanned his pockets until he was met with a small leather wallet tucked away in the breast pocket. A certain part of him whispered to him that the wallet wasn’t his but pulling it out and opening it, he noticed a card with a reflection of him with a name…Akira.

“Akira Tamasaki,” uttered Akira, his voice hoarse and breathless from the fear.

It seemed to leave a certain taste within his mouth or possibly it may be the lack of speaking for a while. Although the knowledge of his name eased him, childish fears paid no mind to his inner demands for their enduring banishment from his unsettled mind.
...
Thanks for your help in advance!!

[s110820]

Hi Isuka,

I love your creative piece! However, I would recommend using these tips to edit and refine your short story:

• In terms of the structure of your piece, you should use the five main aspects of any narrative: the exposition, conflict, rising action, climax and denouement, as your narrative structure is not very clear at the moment. For example, rather than beginning your narrative with his "thoughts", you could open with a lovely description of the setting -- how desolate and derelict the train station is and how it connects to your original text.   
• Furthermore, I would also recommend finding the "key emotion" of your narrative. What I mean by this is that you should consider how the readers of the original text are positioned to interpret your retelling/reimagination of the text. Think about how do your readers feel when reading your narrative? How are your readers positioned to view Akira as a character? Do they sympathise or condone/criticise with his situation?
• Start with a hook. While the start of your narrative is intriguing, you could enhance your reader's interpretation of your narrative by determining the "tone" of your retelling. For example, Virginia Woolf begins her narrative with how “Mrs Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself.” Woolf's hook enables readers to wonder who Mrs Dalloway is, why she's buying flowers and isn't it unusual that she would buy flowers for herself? Hence, questions prompt the reader to continue with interest, looking for answers.
• Or you could begin your narrative in medias res which refers to starting "as close to the end" as possible. An advantage of this method includes how it loosens the "shackles" (structure) of a traditional short story, which thus, enables you to write more freely.
• As Edgar Allan Poe once said: "a short story must have a single mood and every sentence must build toward it" which indicates that you should use every word, phrase, clause and sentence purposefully to enhance the effectiveness of your narrative. Make sure that you read back over your draft to make sure it either directly advance the plot or gives significant backstory, mood or "key emotion" — otherwise you’re just wasting precious space.
• Write a strong ending. To write your ending, go to your penultimate scene right before everything resolves and ask yourself: how would a reader want this story to end? Obviously, the key aspects of a "strong" ending would be if it's "realistic" and if it adds "substance" to the narrative, but you don't always have to end with an "expected" ending. You could completely revert your readers' expectations of the narrative, just as long as it's "realistic" and makes sense.
• Other advice: I would also recommend working on your balance between show and tell. While it is important to "tell" the narrative sometimes, it's also as equally important to let your readers interpret and "figure out" the narrative as well. I would also recommend reducing the number of adverbs you have in your draft as adverbs don't really add any "substance" to your narrative. Instead, I would recommend describing how Akira feels by illustrating an image of Akira and his situation in your readers' mind by using physical aspects such as his facial expressions. I also thought that the "narrative voice" and the "setting" of your short story is also confusing, you should make it clear who is "commentating" your narrative and where your narrative is set. It would be really interesting if you could frame the narrative voice from someone else's perspective such as someone watching him in the dark or from an "inanimate" creature such as a crow. But of course, if this is not required in your task criteria, please feel free to ignore these ideas if you need.

Hopefully, that helps!

Have a great week and kind regards,

Darcy Dillon.