Hi, clovvy.
Sure thing! The essay with comments is inside the spoiler tag.
Essay (marked)
Discovery can be defined as an act or process of discovering or being discovered. (this argument is what we call circular reasoning; refer to the comment for more detail) The context of discovery can embody various connotations, meanings and concepts. It can be evoked by curiosity and wonder, or through deliberate actions or it can be sudden and unexpected which exemplify new understanding. Discoveries could be represented in various ways such as self discovery which involves understanding of one’s self, and interpersonal discovery which involves understanding of one’s surrounding. In Michael Gow’s play ‘Away’ and Justin Farley’s ‘Finding myself’, the aspects of interpersonal discovery is explored through political and social contexts that develops or confront one’s perspective and understanding of the world around them which could lead to self-discovery and emotional discovery of one’s self and discovery may change a person as a result. (it's fine and all, but you're cramming too many ideas into your introduction; for the sake of demonstrating what I mean, I've underlined every new idea you're writing about)
In ‘Away’, Gwen encompasses both social and political aspects of discovery. (the focus should shift back to the composer and not the character) Gwen is a prime example of how discovery could challenge one’s micro-perspective. Gwen is shown to have a bossy character and she is dominant to her husband Jim, which defies the perceptions of women in the political and social context of the 1960’s. At the beginning of ‘Away’, Gow introduces Gwen as a materialistic snob when she bragged about her possessions in her caravan “with everything you could want in it”. (retell) This deprecatory attitude continues, when Gwen is packing bags with Meg and begins to criticise Meg’s behaviour to assert dominance “I wish some people did a bit more, with a bit more preparation”. (retell) Gow exhibits a contrast of Gwen’s aggressive, obnoxious nature before she discovers a sense of revitalisation and rejuvenation. Gwen’s transformation is first seen after the storm. Her sense of materialism declined as her possessions have been washed away and destroyed. The storm acts as a source of Gwen’s realisation of what is indeed important, as it metaphorically ‘washes away’ her issues. Tom acts as the catalyst for the final stage of Gwen’s transformation. Gwen spoke to Vic and discovers his condition she opens her mind and through self-discovery realises how precious her loved ones are. As a result, Gwen is now more aware of the way she has treated others shown in her conversation with Jim, “What do you think of me? You must hate me? Why do you still bother? I’m sorry” which indicate Gwen’s realization her callousness and deficiency in empathy. The combination of the storm and Tom confronts Gwen’s perspective of materialism and as a result changes her micro perspectives and discover a new way to live. (think about the significance of Gow's ideas in relation to discovery, and why this is important to the audience)
Likewise, in the poem, ‘Finding myself’, Farley refers to social and political contexts and values, (nice; I like this) “But by keeping the status quo, you’ll never find the piece of yourself you’ve been missing all your life – the piece of you that makes come alive” (Stanza 6). The repetition of “the piece” acts as a catalyst to one’s own functioning and transitioning of their own journey and pathway of discovery. Farley insinuates that social and political fixated contexts and values may act as barriers and restrictions to one’s own search to rediscovering their own sense of self. (see if you can finish this off; it's a good start)
Discovery can evoke wondrous passion that enables new understandings of micro and macro realms. (ooh, interesting idea) ‘Finding Myself’ by Justin Farley presents that finding yourself can prove to be very challenging to most people, but individuals should recognise that each one of us are unique, and blessed with unique talents as well as gifts. (fair enough; a bit long, though) In most cases an individual lacks courage when showing to the macro world who he truly is, thus creating a social barrier. The symbolic connotation of the title ‘Finding Myself’ conveys the curiosity and wonder of seeking to discover not only himself but his world. During the process of ‘finding’ it gives and allows Farley to experience a sense of rediscovery and can lead to new realms of understanding, opportunities, transitions and change. (again, see if you can finish this off; it's a good start)
Similarly, (I like how you're trying to draw a comparison) in the play ‘Away’, Tom, can be perceived as a symbolic connotation and of awe and wonder, hence a catalyst for other characters to transition and transform their minds to acts of renewal through social and personal contexts and values. (a bit long, but a much better start. Do you see why this is much better?) Tom acts as a metaphoric reminder to the other characters of the importance and significance of life and that the nurturing of love and relationships lead to strong and distinct satisfying acts of self discovery. (a bit long. See if you can simplify the first two sentences into one; it's a lot more effective when done right) This is evident when Coral evokes much curiosity in Tom as she states, “…I want to follow you wherever you go”. Tom responds, “You don’t belong here. You must return to your own world and your own people…”. Coral objects to this through the emotive language, “I cannot walk, I am afraid”, alluding to the metaphoric connotation of her lack of understanding of self and the broadening of her world. Tom’s positive emotive reply, “I will show you how” acts a symbolic contrast to that said previously, in which he accepts to support and encourage Coral find her sense of being, not only physically but mentally, through igniting her perspective of curiosity and wonder to walking through life again.
Thus, both texts embody themes of rejuvenation, acceptance and transition into new micro beings and macro spheres. Through various linguistic devices, the notion of individual discovery is apparent through Tom and Gwen in Away and Justin Farley in Finding Myself. their exploration of self is catalysed through social, cultural and personal contexts and values. This heightens the significance of exploration into new journeys of self-discovery. Both Gow and Farley have also exemplified the notion of internal and external discovery through personal, social and political contexts and values. Discoveries are significantly evoked through notions of curiosity and wonder in which act as catalysts to new pathways of understanding one’s sense of self and the world which causes the renewing of one’s perspective or change as a person altogether.
Mark: 7/15General feedback:IntroductionCircular definitions are pretty common, but they should be avoided when writing an academic paper. It takes on the form where one tries to define the subject using the subject itself. For instance, the first line attempts to define the term 'discovery', using its root word "discover". This defeats the purpose of definitions, yet it's a very common fallacy we all face. Take a look at some examples of
circular reasoning.
As a general rule of thumb, your thesis should provide new insights to the question at hand. I can't specifically help without the question, but you shouldn't ever define what discovery as your thesis. It's a very narrow expression of ideas, but rather explore the significance of discovery to both, the composers and the audience.
Within your introduction, limit the number of conceptual ideas to a minimum. You should only be discussing the ideas that are explored in both texts, and any other conceptual ideas can be discussed in parallel to your big ideas. In this way, you're not simply writing shallowly because of the number of ideas you have.
Body paragraph 1: AwayRemember that the AoS component is an Area of Study; it's a conceptual module, and so the main focus should be shifted towards how the composer and audience are affected by the discoveries the characters make. Don't make them too textually-based, because that then becomes a textual comparison rather than conceptual.
You need to be shifting away from the retelling of the plot as you do to more substantial analysis of its significance. Think of WHY and HOW Gow uses this to demonstrate ideas of discovery towards the audience; does it invoke a response to the audience? If so, what specifically is being responded to? Once you begin to think deeply about the specifics of his text, only then will you begin to make clearer and more insightful comments on the text.
On top of this, you'll need more textual evidence to support your ideas. Be wary of how you may present these pieces of evidence. Does it make sense with the argument you're making, and if not, could you find a better example to suit your argument? Textual evidence is still important as it forms the crux of your argumentative writing; after all, there's no point in claiming your case if you don't have any evidence to back it up.
Body paragraph 2: Finding myselfFirst of all, I can safely say that this is incomplete, but I'm only going to critique what is being written and not what is not.
I really like the way you're trying to draw a comparison between the two with the opening word 'likewise'. It shows a careful consideration with the way you're approaching the ideas explored. I also believe you've done a better job in the three sentences here than you did in the first paragraph.
Greater detail will help to elevate your level of writing to a whole new level. Going more in depth with the significance of the ideas you're exploring will definitely help, but it's not a bad start.
Body paragraph 3: Finding myselfI can see that you're trying to dive deeper, but they are still lacking in many areas. It's not easy, but when done right, it becomes a very effective way of communicating your ideas to the marker.
Avoid retell as much as possible!! It's easy to fall back into retelling, but we can avoid them by thinking deeper into how the composers use literary devices to portray discovery the way they do. Don't tell us about the discoveries made by the character; tell us about why this is important to US, and what it informs us about.
Body paragraph 4: AwayI really like your first sentence; it brings in ideas, and allows us to see the significance of this piece of analysis (in that it transforms us). However, you begin to fall back into retelling. Don't tell us about the conversation between Coral and Tom; instead, think more deeply about what this means about the ideas you had at the beginning of the paragraph.
You could think about it as:
Gow presents Tom as an extended metaphor to the significance of life, demonstrating strong and desired acts of self discovery. Gow uses emotive language from Coral's speech "I cannot walk, I am afraid" to demonstrate her lack of self-understanding.Do you notice the difference?
What to do nextDon't panic! You still got 3 terms to improve with your writing. For now, your goal should be to shift from retelling the plot to analysing the significance of the ideas. To do this, think about what you're writing. Can it argued? If not, you're most likely telling us a brief synopsis.
Go back to reading your texts and draw out deeper connections to discovery. Think about the way we, as the audience, respond to the discoveries made. Does it inform us? Does it frighten us? And then how is this formed through textual analysis?
Finally, keep redrafting your essays. Send them here, and a graduate or another HSC student may mark them like I did here.
Keep your head held high; no one is expecting you to draft a perfect essay the first time round, but by improving them every draft, you will jump from a 7 to a 15 by the time the HSC rolls around. Good luck with the HSC![/list]