Hi! Just some thoughts from another Yr 12 student studying Burial Rites, so feel free to take it with a grain of salt.
(+ You gave me free reign to crush your self confidence so watch out
jk )
- The way you address the prompt in the intro: Where are the key words? You sort of address help or hinder (in my opinion not clearly enough), but there's nothing about
women in there, which is a key aspect of the prompt. I feel like you haven't unpacked it properly, and this shows in the rest of your essay. i.e. Your ideas revolve around making generalised statements about 'people', instead of thinking about women in particular.
- I would definitely refrain from using a question as a topic sentence, or using questions at all in your essay for that matter.
The beginning of your second paragraph begins to sound like a context essay.
'There is evidence what evidence??
to believe that it is mostly for fun I'm not sure I'd use the word fun here, it sounds kind of flippant.
for the temporary boost in serotonin.' I kind of get what you're saying, but where is this going?
"Paltry gossip" could be a valid point about how 'women hinder other women', how can you expand on this idea with textual evidence and link it in?
Then the rest of the paragraph, there are so many things you are trying to say in one sentence and it just feels like you're jumping from idea to idea. I'm confused! Break it apart, flesh it out.
- What do you mean by
"authoritarian devices and tools"? Why are you suddenly talking about Blondal? How does this link to the essay topic? The last paragraph contains some insights, but they seem completely irrelevant to the prompt.
- You have a decent vocabulary, but don't bog down your sentences using sophisticated words that only end up masking your meaning. Aim for clarity of expression. (i.e. this excerpt
"implying that merely disregarding someone’s innocence is just as lethargic as accepting it". Maybe it's just me, but 'lethargic' sounds odd in that context and I just don't quite get what you're trying to say.
- I can tell you're struggling for text evidence but when I gave it a quick brainstorm just now, I think there's actually quite an abundance out there. I would attribute the main problems with this essay to just being tripped up by the prompt. Don't get stuck overthinking this, but go back, break it down, and try to unpack it again with more consideration to the
key themes of the text
Hint #1: Think about what other female characters there are, other than just Agnes, Margret and Roslin.
Hint #2: In response to your questions, keep your discussion within the bounds of the prompt! I doubt VCAA would give you a prompt that would be difficult to come up with textual evidence for, however if that's your main problem, then it denotes unfamiliarity with the text. Review the book again and its key scenes as part of some lowkey revision.
Also, why do you think this is a prompt that seemingly limits you to talking about women? What issues regarding women does the novel explore? What kind of social commentary is there about the plight of women in 19th century Iceland? Analysing it in this light, it becomes evident you could maybe challenge this prompt with a certain prevalent key theme.
Best of luck for tomorrow!