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April 16, 2024, 07:59:21 pm

Author Topic: Free AOS essay Marking!  (Read 180957 times)

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jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #195 on: September 16, 2016, 12:35:40 am »
hiii will you be able to mark my AOS essay please
yet again I didn't go so well in the trials and I need extensive detailed feedback
1. do I have enough quotes/techniques
2. does it make sense
3. does it flow

please help thank you!!!

PS oh sorry that post is meant to have 1 attachment, Im not sure how to edit attachments,  they are both the same, sorry :)

Moderator Edit: Merged Posts

Hey Emilie! I'd be keen to help, but you are one post short of receiving feedback! You can come and introduce yourself to everyone here if you like, that will bring you up to 30!

I'll keep an eye out for when you hit 30 posts! You'll need 45 to get both of the essays you posted this evening marked, feel free to let me know which one you'd prefer one first, or if not I'll do this one first :)

EmileeSmith

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #196 on: September 16, 2016, 05:16:32 pm »
can I get this one marked first please, thanks

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #197 on: September 18, 2016, 12:27:33 am »
hiii will you be able to mark my AOS essay please
yet again I didn't go so well in the trials and I need extensive detailed feedback
1. do I have enough quotes/techniques
2. does it make sense
3. does it flow

please help thank you!!!

PS oh sorry that post is meant to have 1 attachment, Im not sure how to edit attachments,  they are both the same, sorry :)

Moderator Edit: Merged Posts

Hey! Definitely can, your essay is attached with comments throughout in bold! ;D

Spoiler
One cannot experience a discovery without being transformed by its ramifications. Good Thesis, though a little stock standard. I'd like to see you develop this a little more; what sorts of transformations are you talking about here? The playwright “Away”, by Michael Gow and the novel “The Book Thief” written by Brian Percival, both emotionally power our human spirit to gain a deeper sense of the human condition. Good, but again, a tad more elaboration on 'the human condition' would be beneficial to you. The play, demonstrates that leaving negative situations behind, one will be able to find positive new pathways whilst the novel goes even further to suggest that without any true sense of discovery, one may come to be insecure to the point that they disvalue life. Ultimately, both authors support the fact that renewed insights enable an individual’s compassion come together with the human spirit and psyche to gain intensely new views of the world in a more positive manner. Slight expression issue there. Through a consideration of the theme of discovery with regards to family and relationships, these texts invite the audience to explore the safety and timidity of relationships and the impact of letting go  which develops an individual’s sense of self.Overall, a good introduction! Some slight tweaks to make your ideas a little clearer would be all I'd recommend here.

The soothing influence of nature can lead individuals out of their comfort zones to fresh discoveries of themselves and others. Negative situations allow an individual to develop a deeper insight into what they are capable of.  I'm a little unclear about this concept right now, those two sentences don't mesh for me. They read as very different ideas. The play, Away, was written in the time of the abolishment of the White Australia policy, hence lots of migrants were coming into Australia during the time of the play. This is depicted in the start where Coral’s husband, Roy, cannot pronounce non-Australian names in the beginning, “Mrs Papa…Papalapa…Papalax”. Technique here? Try not to use plot elements to communicate your ideas. Gow portrays that each individual must get out of their comfort zones in order to discover new insights of the world. In Act 1, scene 3, Coral is portrayed having to unwillingly let go of the memories of her son passed away in the Vietnam War. Gow has used intertexuality to emphasise the grief and pain that Coral’s character was going through. Coral reflects on her viewing of the student production of a Midsummer Night’s Dream. She says in a soliloquy that, “I wiped away my tears”, followed by a rhetorical question, “What angels wake me from my flowery bed?”  You could be more concise by eliminating the retell and jumping straight into the analysis; you just spent 4-5 sentences doing what you could have done in one (take all the pieces in red and put them into a sentence. In order to question the impact of the death of her son in the Vietnam War. The playlet, “Strangers on the Shore” which she and Tom co-write, Coral plays a mermaid who grows legs and learns to reach for her goals by interacting with nature. Retell. Coral says to Tom in this scene, “I cannot walk, I am afraid”, followed by “I’m walking, I’m walking!” Retell. The repetition of “walking” symbolises that discovery emotionally reflects the human interaction of taking small steps at a time to overcome this grief. Try to put your technique in the same sentence as your quote (helps with flow). The exclamation mark indicates Coral’s delayed acceptance of reality to let go of the past and move onto a fresh new life. Gow’s effective use of intertexuality and repetition reassures that an individual’s development of deeper insights into their capabilities is greatly influenced by the negative of grieving situations that they encounter through the course of life. This is a solid paragraph, but it needs more focus on analysis/techniques, and a stronger conceptual focus. I don't get much on the "soothing nature" idea throughout this paragraph, pick one idea and stick to it.

Renewed insights of one’s mind may modify one’s attitude, causing them to have diverse viewpoints of the world. Better, a good concise statement of concept! The film, The Book Thief 2005, demonstrates the emotional and physical discoveries that take place following the awful treatments of family and loved ones by others. The link between this sentence and the last is again a little shaky, make it obvious how this relates to "renewed insights" and "diverse viewpoints". Juxtaposition of the mystical influence with the profane beliefs during the rule of Nazi party and Hitler encountered in WW11 occurs in The Book Thief, when in the novel, Germany was invaded by Hitler supports thus causing inhumane treatment to those who were Jewish. Expression issue there; read your essay aloud to catch places that don't quite sound right (read it to a friend for an even better insight). Renewed insights of the political, Nazi party are depicted in chapter 2, where 9 year old Liesel’s life is narrated through by the personified Death. Retell. Zusak personification and rhetorical question, ‘Papa, why did they take her away? She hasn’t done anything wrong, she should be here with us”, signal her upsetting discoveries as a result of Hitler’s regime. What does this show the audience about your concept? Be sure to link everything back to that first sentence. The rhetorical question reflects the persona’s distraught views of her mother being taken away. The deliberate alliteration of the letter “T”, in “Ten thousand people in the Germany society, tortured”, emphasises Liesel’s realisations of the torture of Jews by Hitler. Thus revealing? The recurring motif of “sleep” throughout the novel transitions the persona from the physical world to metaphysical in order to more deeply reflect on the nature of her discoveries. Good. For instance, the novel narrates that “Liesel had drifted back to sleep from her obligatory nightmare”, which reflects the ongoing nature of her difficult experience of the Nazi regime in her life and her desire to discover a better one by escaping it through sleep. Zusak demonstrates Liesel’s emerging outlook of tolerance towards others by giving Liesel’s character a reason to step out of the threshold of her comfort zone, gets out of her comfort zone to interrogate one of the members of the Nazi party, through the use of an exclamation mark and rhetorical question, “Why are you doing this? This isn’t right; you are destroying everyone’s lives!” followed by a dialogue spoken by the personification of death, “She has gone through out. She has cheated death for a good reason”. Slightly too long in that sentence, split it up. This encapsulates that the prospect of life can be limited until one decides to change, thus impacting one’s visions of the world.

Through both of these texts, an individual’s perceptions of the human soul and essence are renewed allowing one to experience emotional discoveries about themselves and others. Both Away, by Michael Gow and The Book Thief by Markus Zusak exemplify that in order for an individual to gain a fresh new perspective of the world, they must go through difficulties such as losing a loved one, moving on and sticking up themselves and others. This isn't a concept that you've emphasised in this essay: It only played a small role in your Thesis, I think it should be the focus because it works well! It is a part of the human character to cherish and encounter undesirable experiences to view the world in a diverse perspective. The diversity of human perspectives can be developed by the upsetting and distressing experiences one encounters in life.

This is a solid essay Emilee, good work on your textual references and a solid introduction! I'd have two main recommendations:

First, eliminating retell. You spend a noticeable amount of time reconstructing the plot and what happened in your texts; Remember the markers know this already! Removing this and other unnecessary aspects will let you be more concise. For example:

Gow portrays that each individual must get out of their comfort zones in order to discover new insights of the world. In Act 1, scene 3, Coral is portrayed having to unwillingly let go of the memories of her son passed away in the Vietnam War. Gow has used intertexuality to emphasise the grief and pain that Coral’s character was going through. Coral reflects on her viewing of the student production of a Midsummer Night’s Dream. She says in a soliloquy that, “I wiped away my tears”, followed by a rhetorical question, “What angels wake me from my flowery bed?”

This could all be shrunk down to:

Gow's use of rhetorical question and intertextual allusion to 'Midsummer Night's Dream' in Coral's soliloquy, "What angels wake me from my flowery bed?", emphasises the grief of the character and thus shows how an individual must get out of their comfort zone in order to discover new insights.

May have changed what you were going for slightly; but you get the idea: Remove all retell and focus on your own analysis!

And there lies my second recommendation; ensure every textual reference is supported with strong analysis! Go to TEA:

- Technique in the quote
- Explain what the quote is doing/why it is there
- Audience? What is the effect on us? What do we learn?

Following this scaffold will ensure you maximise the effectiveness of each reference; right now only some of your quotes have techniques, and fixing that will push your essay into a higher mark range ;D

Good work Emilee! I hope this feedback proves helpful for you! ;D

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #198 on: September 18, 2016, 12:35:18 am »
Dammit I didn't come in time to help, oh well  :'(

Next time if anyone want's feedback and hasn't reached the 15 posts rule, I can mark it for them, however my feedback will not be as good as others like Jamon and Elyse's so for quality feedback you will need 15 posts, for my not so good feedback from me, free of charge  ;D

elysepopplewell

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #199 on: September 18, 2016, 11:39:44 am »
Dammit I didn't come in time to help, oh well  :'(

Next time if anyone want's feedback and hasn't reached the 15 posts rule, I can mark it for them, however my feedback will not be as good as others like Jamon and Elyse's so for quality feedback you will need 15 posts, for my not so good feedback from me, free of charge  ;D

Editing other's work will improve your own writing skills too! Keep up the good work :)
Not sure how to navigate around ATAR Notes? Check out this video!

conic curve

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #200 on: September 18, 2016, 06:01:37 pm »
Editing other's work will improve your own writing skills too! Keep up the good work :)

Aha thanks for the kind words Elyse  :)

EmileeSmith

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #201 on: September 18, 2016, 08:49:25 pm »
hey I edited this essay aswell
1. is there any other way I can structure it because I realised there is only two body paragraphs
I feel like I should talk about my texts a little bit more because I only have 850+ words but not sure how to make it equal

thankyou

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #202 on: September 18, 2016, 09:20:34 pm »
hey I edited this essay aswell
1. is there any other way I can structure it because I realised there is only two body paragraphs
I feel like I should talk about my texts a little bit more because I only have 850+ words but not sure how to make it equal

thankyou

You will need to hit 60 posts for me/Elyse to give it another mark, but maybe one of our awesome members who've been peer marking might like to cast their eye? You've been posting a heap, so I doubt it will take long to get to 60, I'll keep my eye on this ;)

conic curve

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #203 on: September 18, 2016, 09:21:55 pm »
In order for an individual to gain a fresh new perspective of world, they must go through difficulties such as losing a loved one, moving on and sticking up for themselves and others such as who?. The playwright “Away”, by Michael Gow and the novel “The Book Thief” written by Markus Zusak, both emotionally power our human spirit to gain a deeper sense of the human condition including personality traits please explain how both texts both emotionally power our human spirit to gain a deeper sense of the human condition. I also think that it's neccessary to introduce the texts and breifly explain what happens. The play demonstrates that leaving negative situations behind, one will be able to find positive pathways such as?, whilst the novel goes even further to suggest that without any true sense of discovery, one may come insecure to discover new insights such as?. Both composers support the fact that renewed insights enable an individual’s compassion to come together with the human spirit and psyche to gain intensely new views of the world in a more positive manner please include examples and expand when neccessary. Through a consideration of the theme of discovery with regards to family and relationships, these texts invite the audience to explore the safety and timidity of relationships and the impact of letting go which develops an individual’s sense of self.

The irritating influence of nature can lead individuals out of their comfort zones to fresh discoveries of themselves and others. Negative situations negative situations such as what? allow an individual to develop a deeper insight into what they are capable of. The play, Away, was written in the time of the abolishment of the White Australia policy I think it's neccessary to expand more on the historical context. This is depicted in the start where Coral’s husband, Roy, cannot pronounce non-Australian names in the beginning, “Mrs Papa…Papalapa…Papalax”. Gow uses repetition to allow the audience to recall the historical events of what? that have occurred during this time, hence the amount of migrants came to Australia during the time of the play try to explain a bit more about the context.

Gow's use of rhetorical question and intertextual allusion to 'Midsummer Night's Dream' what is he alluding/referring to in a Midsummer's night dream?in Coral's soliloquy, "What angels wake me from my flowery bed?" I don't think you've explained this techniqe and what it means., which emphasises the grief of the character, Coral as she is unwilling to let go of her son that passed away in the Vietnam War and thus shows how an individual must get out of their comfort zone in order to discover new insights new insights of what?. Gow implements the playlet, Strangers on the Shore, in which demonstrates to the audience Coral’s renewed insights of life, “I cannot walk, I am afraid’ followed by the use of exclamation mark and repetition of “walking” in “I’m walking, I’m walking! Indicating to the audience that discovery emotionally reflects the human interaction of taking small steps at a time to overcome grief thus shows how an individual may be delayed to accept reality and move onto a new life. Gow’s effective use of intertexuality and repetition reassures that an individual’s development of deeper insights into their capabilities is greatly influenced by the negative of grieving situations that they encounter through the course of life try to explain this with an example i.e. how coral has overcome her grief.

Renewed insights of one’s mind may modify one’s attitude example of this?, causing them to have diverse viewpoints of the world such as?. The film, The Book Thief 2005, demonstrates the emotional and physical discoveries that take place where? allowing an individual to discover renewed insights of the world please expand on this. Juxtaposition of the mystical country with the profane beliefs of the Nazi party rule as well as Hitler in WW1, Zusak portrays the invasion of Hitler supporters in Germany thus causing a change in one’ attitude towards others including Jews. Zusak demonstrates the horrors of the Nazi Party by using the personified Death as Liesel’s narrator. Zusak personification and rhetorical question, ‘Papa, why did they take her away? She hasn’t done anything wrong, she should be here with us”, which signal her upsetting discoveries as a result of Hitler’s regime. The audience can reflect on the historical moments in Germany, thus allowing them to have varied attitudes towards religious parties such as?. The rhetorical question of what? reflects the persona’s distraught views of her mother being taken away. The deliberate alliteration of the letter “T”, in “Ten thousand people in the Germany society, tortured”, emphasises Liesel’s realisations of the torture of Jews by Hitler thus revealing the inhumane treatment of civilians try to explain how they were inhumanely treated. The recurring motif of “sleep” throughout the novel transitions the persona from the physical world of what? to metaphysical of what? in order to more deeply reflect on the nature of her discoveries what sort of discoveries. For instance, the novel narrates that “Liesel had drifted back to sleep from her obligatory nightmare”, which reflects the ongoing nature of her difficult experience of the Nazi regime in her life what sort of difficult experience? and her desire to discover a better one by escaping it through sleep. Zusak uses rhetorical questions and exclamation mark, “Why are you doing this? This isn’t right; you are destroying everyone’s lives!”  Followed by a dialogue spoken by the personification of death, “She has gone through out. She has cheated death for a good reason”, encapsulating that the prospect of life can be limited until one decides to change, thus impacting one’s visions of the world. try to provide an example to back this up

Through both of these texts instead I'd say Away and The Book thief, an individual’s perceptions of the human soul and essence are renewed allowing one to experience emotional discoveries about themselves and others. Both Away, by Michael Gow and The Book Thief by Markus Zusak exemplify that one cannot experience a discovery without being socially transformed by its ramifications such as?.  It is a part of the human condition to cherish and encounter undesirable experiences to view the world in a diverse perspective such as?. The diversity of human perspectives can be developed by the upsetting and distressing experiences one encounters in life such as?.


EmileeSmith

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #204 on: September 21, 2016, 09:22:08 pm »
hey can you look at my aos essay please
should I split the paragraphs into 4? Because there's only 2 massive body paragraphs
thankyou soo much!

Could you also give a realistic mark please?

Moderator edit: Merged double post.
« Last Edit: September 24, 2016, 09:53:03 pm by Aaron »

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #205 on: September 25, 2016, 10:34:57 pm »
hey can you look at my aos essay please
should I split the paragraphs into 4? Because there's only 2 massive body paragraphs
thankyou soo much!

Could you also give a realistic mark please?

Moderator edit: Merged double post.

(In response to the removed post), I have seen this! I was waiting for you to meet post count, which you did yesterday, so you are on the list! Everyone waiting on marking should be all caught up by tomorrow ;D

BPunjabi

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #206 on: September 26, 2016, 02:29:02 pm »
Just wanted to say... Wow you guys are awesome. Went to your lecture yesterday to see Adv. English and Ancient and it was epic. You guys really know your stuff. Elyse cheers, learnt so much which my teacher hasn't taught us.
So this is my essay, I wanted to know what I could fix up, could you also please incorporate a mark out of 20 you would give me. Thanks.
I also incorporated some of Elyses tips from the lecture.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.

Discovery is a process which everyone goes through, to uncover hidden abilities and differences which are experienced in various ways. ‘Life of Pi’, dramatic film captures the idea of discovering hidden abilities whilst also drawing focus to the will to live and symbols commonly used. Poem ‘Cut’, focusing on the same ideas, produces ambiguous variations and meanings towards the process of discovery. Both texts personas feature transformations where they uncover hidden agendas and reconsider what was lost and know found.

‘Life of Pi’ is a film directed by Ang Lee in 2012 focusing on the needs and passion towards survival. As Pi undergoes perilous journeys, he makes spiritual, physical and emotional discoveries. Throughout the move it is known that Pi’s religious beliefs draw on his need for survival. Whilst attempting to train Richard Parker on the life raft, to claim dominance, a long shot is used to feature both primitive characters circling while there is a contrast between the sea. This focus point of the sea elaborates on how loneliness and desperation had deprived and forces Pi’s transformation from a young anxious boy to a intrepid man. Ang Lee uses the characters stance to show how dominance plays a key role in transformation and discovering hidden abilities.

Sylvia Plaths ‘Cut’ written in 1962, targets the ambiguous audience during the 60’s who wanted to break from the women socialistic ideals. Featuring first person narration which incorporates ten stanzas, this poem elaborates on how Plaths suicidal agendas derive from constricted feelings of being an educated women in a restricted society where women were subjugated towards being housewife’s. The quote “Out of a gap, a million soldiers run” is reinforced with imagery to connect to Plaths context of her husband’s use of adultery as she felt the urge of suicide Plath constantly reconsiders what is known as she always ventured to the real of suicide. From this quote, the hyperbole elaborates on the fickleness this urge brings once it feels alright the in suddenly disperses into depression. ‘Cut’ is a mysterious poem which powerfully incorporates the will to live as well as discovering hidden potential competence.

Ang Lee addresses symbols frequently in ‘Life of Pi’ which represent various meanings that help Pi in his transformation. As Pi has a strong spiritual connection, he is able to adapt to his new environments with the help of Richard Parker. It is clearly evident that the water represents loneliness, while the life raft provides hope albeit religious faith is the main focus. The mysterious island represents the Christian Garden of Eden and Orange, a frequent colour possesses survival qualities. There is a sense of spiritual discovery from the symbolic metaphor of the tooth featured at the mysterious island. This scene incorporates Christian spiritual connections to the garden of Eden providing a heaven and hell contrast against the day and night of the island, which is alluded through the switching between long and extreme close shots. As Ang Lee highlights Pi’s adaption to discovery, he rediscovers his spiritual beliefs.

Various types of Symbols are incorporated in Plaths works which feature issues towards her troubled marriage, unresolved conflicts with parents and her personal vision of herself. The poem being an extended metaphor, entices the audience drawing ambiguous conclusions to Plaths exploration of self. Phallic Symbol is used in line two of the poem when the speaker says “My thumb instead of an onion” assassinating with male dominance which was being exhibited. The symbolic metaphor incorporated in “saboteur, Kamikaze man” uses censura to insure the power of depression and self destruction is highlighted through the kamikaze suicidal nature which was always apparent to her.

The transformation which is evident in everybody’s process of discovery, involved uncovering hidden and known desires. Through symbolism and the will to live, both texts ‘Life of Pi’ and ‘Cut’ features personas who struggle against this process, though achieve self discovery and transform to higher perspectives.
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RuiAce

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #207 on: September 26, 2016, 02:35:13 pm »
Just wanted to say... Wow you guys are awesome. Went to your lecture yesterday to see Adv. English and Ancient and it was epic. You guys really know your stuff. Elyse cheers, learnt so much which my teacher hasn't taught us.
So this is my essay, I wanted to know what I could fix up, could you also please incorporate a mark out of 20 you would give me. Thanks.
I also incorporated some of Elyses tips from the lecture.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
essay
Sorry, you need 15 posts before you can access the essay marking service :) this is just to ensure the service remains attainable for the markers, once you've hit 15 posts we can get you some feedback! You may want to start here!

Jamon* Edit: Added a link to get started ;)

Another Jamon Edit: Oi, Rui, don't edit my edits. Edit-ception ;D
« Last Edit: September 26, 2016, 05:05:48 pm by jamonwindeyer »

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #208 on: September 26, 2016, 04:51:35 pm »
hey can you look at my aos essay please
should I split the paragraphs into 4? Because there's only 2 massive body paragraphs
thankyou soo much!

Could you also give a realistic mark please?

Moderator edit: Merged double post.

Hey!! I've attached your essay in the spoiler below, comments throughout in bold as usual ;)

Spoiler
In order for one to gain new perspectives of the world, they must encounter obstacles as such as losing a loved one and moving on. Good starting sentence! I'd like to see you expand this a little, how does this result in new perspective? The playwright “Away”, by Michael Gow demonstrates the difficulty of moving away from deaths of loved ones and discovering fresh insights of the world whilst the novel “The Book Thief” written by Markus Zusak, goes even further to highlight the inhumane treatment of the Nazi party towards the Jews, without any true sense of discovery, one may come insecure to discover new insights of the world. Sentence slightly too long, split in half. Both emotionally power our human spirit to gain a deeper sense of the human condition including as each individual goes through hardship in which they find out their true sense of self. Expression issue. Both composers support the fact that renewed insights enable an individual’s compassion to come together with the human spirit and psyche to gain intensely new views of the world in a more positive manner. Good. Through a consideration of the theme of discovery with regards to family and relationships, these texts invite the audience to explore the safety and timidity of relationships and the impact of letting go which develops an individual’s sense of self. Excellent introduction on the whole! A little more explanation of the Thesis BEFORE you introduce the texts would beneficial, as would some list/indicator of what each paragraph will discuss.

The irritating influence of nature can lead individuals out of their comfort zones to fresh discoveries of themselves and others. What do you mean by "irritating influence of nature?" A little more clarity needed here. Negative situations such as grieving loss of loved ones allow an individual to develop a deeper insight into what they are capable of. Good, but again, a clearer link between the first sentence and this one is needed. The play, Away, was written in the time of the abolishment of the White Australia policy in 1965, where all political parties had removed the policy from their political platforms, thus integrating diverse names in the country. You could remove the phrase in red; be succinct! This is depicted in the start where Coral’s husband, Roy, cannot pronounce non-Australian names in the beginning, “Mrs Papa…Papalapa…Papalax”. Gow uses repetition to allow the audience to recall the historical events of Australia that have occurred during this time, hence the amount of migrants came to Australia during the time of the play. Try to get your techniques and quotes into the same sentence; it will improve your flow and in general improve the sophistication of your ideas. It minimises the work done by the marker to connect your ideas together. Gow's use of rhetorical question, emotive language and intertextual allusion to 'Midsummer Night's Dream' in Coral's soliloquy, "What angels wake me from my flowery bed?" questions the grief of the character, Coral, as she is unwilling to let go of her son that passed away in the Vietnam War and thus shows how an individual must get out of their comfort zone in order to discover new insights of the world. PERFECT! That's better, putting the technique and quote together makes a big difference. Gow implements the playlet, Strangers on the Shore, in which demonstrates to the audience Coral’s renewed insights of life, “I cannot walk, I am afraid’ followed by the use of exclamation mark and repetition of “walking” in “I’m walking, I’m walking! Indicating to the audience that discovery emotionally reflects the human interaction of taking small steps at a time to overcome grief thus shows how an individual may be delayed to accept reality and move onto a new life. Sentence too long, trim it down/cut in half. Gow’s effective use of intertexuality and repetition reassures that an individual’s development of deeper insights into their capabilities is greatly influenced by the negative of grieving situations that they encounter through the course of life by taking small steps at a time.A concluding sentence would benefit you here.

Renewed insights of one’s mind may modify one’s attitude in a negative manner causing them to have diverse viewpoints of the world. The novel, The Book Thief  demonstrates the emotional and physical discoveries that take place in their society allowing an individual to discover renewed insights of the community. Good! Juxtaposition of the mystical country with the profane beliefs of the Nazi party rule as well as Hitler in WW1, Zusak portrays the invasion of Hitler supporters in Germany thus causing a change in one’s attitude towards others including Jews. Could you give me an example of HOW this juxtaposition is achieved? Zusak demonstrates the horrors of the Nazi Party by using the personification of Death as Liesel’s narrator. Zusak uses personification and rhetorical question, ‘Papa, why did they take her away? She hasn’t done anything wrong, she should be here with us”, which signal her upsetting discoveries as a result of Hitler’s regime. What does this show about your idea in general? Zusak uses rhetorical question to reflects the persona’s distraught views of her mother being taken away. The audience can reflect on the historical moments in Germany, thus allowing them to have varied attitudes towards religious parties such as the Nazi Party. Excellent audience link there. The deliberate alliteration of the letter “T”, in “Ten thousand people in the Germany society, tortured”, emphasises Liesel’s realisations of the torture of Jews by Hitler thus revealing the inhumane treatment of civilians such as genocide. You don't need to specify the letter being used in alliteration! The recurring motif of “sleep” throughout the novel transitions the persona from the physical world of realism to metaphysical in order to more deeply reflect on the nature of her emotional discoveries. Thus, showing the audience _______. Be careful not to slip into retell! For instance, the novel narrates that “Liesel had drifted back to sleep from her obligatory nightmare”, which reflects the ongoing nature of her difficult experience of the Nazi regime in her life such as the kidnapping of her Jewish friend and her desire to discover a better one by escaping it through sleep. Again, try to make your concepts abstracted from the text a little; the text is the example, not the idea. Zusak uses rhetorical questions and exclamation mark, “Why are you doing this? This isn’t right; you are destroying everyone’s lives!”  Followed by a dialogue spoken by the personification of death, “She has gone through out. She has cheated death for a good reason”, encapsulating that the prospect of life can be limited until one decides to change, thus impacting one’s visions of the world. Again, you need a concluding sentence summarising your ideas!

Through both of these texts, Away and The Book thief, an individual’s perceptions of the human soul and essence are renewed allowing one to experience emotional discoveries about themselves and others. Both Away, by Michael Gow and The Book Thief by Markus Zusak exemplify that one cannot experience a discovery without being socially transformed by its ramifications such as the kidnapping and loss of a loved one. Good. It is a part of the human condition to cherish and encounter undesirable experiences to view the world in a diverse perspective in order to discovery new insights. The diversity of human perspectives can be developed by the upsetting and distressing experiences one encounters in life which reflects one’s personal and emotional discovery. Nice, solid conclusion!

This is a great essay Emilee, definitely a massive stride in the right direction!! Much stronger concepts, better analytical style, less focus on retell, and a good structure!! I do think you might consider a third paragraph, at the expense of shortening the two you have, but what you have now works well also ;D

My overall areas of improvement are pretty limited! This is a great response. Remember to watch your expression, still a few pesky issues in there, mostly caused by sentences being too long. Trim them down, keep it punchy and powerful :)

Also, be sure to make your conceptual ideas distinct from the text. In your second body paragraph particularly, I noticed that you were basically explaining what the characters were feeling and how they were impacted. This is okay, but more effective would be to examine the concept more generally. Like, "Yes, this can cause feelings of despair, and this example from the book proves it," sort of thing. The idea should be separate from the text; take the text away and your idea still stands :)

Great work Emilee!! You should start trying to apply this to practice questions now, making sure it can be adapted appropriately ;D


Emerald99

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #209 on: September 28, 2016, 07:49:02 pm »
is it unsophisticated if we write two body paragraphs normally but the second body paragraph (the related text paragraph) we do the 1-2 sentence link back to the first paragraph but in the third paragraph its integrated. So 1 &2 normal body paras and 3 is integrated? does that ruin the flow and make the structure confusing?