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March 29, 2024, 04:07:14 am

Author Topic: Standing up, saying no to President Trump - Short Paragraph Analysis  (Read 976 times)  Share 

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bw2018

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Hi guys,
Could you guys look through my writing and comment?

Article:

The Trump "phenomenon" is truly amazing. No reasonable person could have predicted that a nation with a constitution espousing freedom and fairness for its people, could choose such an idiot to "lead" them. Those among us who have working brains must let it be known that we do not accept the idiocy that is about to befall us.

Response:
The writer contends how the recently elected American president has sparked disapproval of Trump supporters in the international community. As most Americans desire for “freedom and fairness”, the writer belittles Trump supporters for choosing an “idiot to lead them”. Using irony and a critical tone, the writer aims to reinforce Trump’s unsuitability for presidency. The word “idiot” is generally associated with reckless endangerment and mindless thinking which portrays to all readers that their lives are at stake with Trump as president. Thus, the writer also appeals to the patriotic readers to act before their country is tarnished. Shifting to a hopeful tone, the writer discourages readers who have not been affected by this “idiocy” to not accept Trump’s flawed thinking.  By flattering them of having a “working brain”, reader may feel that they are decent and support the writer. Overall, the writer condemns the ““Trump” phenomenon” and uses various devices to highlight the foolish danger Trump supporters have gotten America into.

Thanks :)

helloeveryone

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Re: Standing up, saying no to President Trump - Short Paragraph Analysis
« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2017, 06:36:57 pm »
+5
I tried.  :'( :'(
« Last Edit: January 20, 2017, 06:41:05 pm by helloeveryone »

Syndicate

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Re: Standing up, saying no to President Trump - Short Paragraph Analysis
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2017, 05:45:33 pm »
+1
Haven't really been around the English boards that much, so please take my advice as a grain of salt (+ I am also doing English this year).

I am going to assume this a body paragraph.
Response:
The writer contends how the recently elected American president has sparked disapproval of Trump supporters in the international community. This sentence seems quite odd. I think this sentence can definitely have a stronger expression + better vocab (ie. Adopting a ____ tone, the writer (use the last name of the writer if given) castigates/ maligns .... (subject)... through/ for.... (evidence). As most Americans desire “freedom and fairness”, the writer belittles Trump supporters for choosing an “idiot to lead them” It's good to see that you have used evidence to support your contention. I think you could have written: The writer belittles American supporters for supporting Donald Trump who abides by materialism, rather than ... (whatever you wish to say), as the writer claims that "no reasonable person would have predicted" the success of Donald Trump in such a "nation.. [that] espouses freedom and fairness for its people". (Note: this is not a perfect example) . Using irony and a critical tone, It's best not to mention persuasive devices the writer aims to reinforce Trump’s unsuitability for presidency how (I mean where's the proof)? and what effect does it have on the readers?. The word “idiot” is generally associated with reckless endangerment and mindless thinking which portrays to all (don't assume that all his readers will be affected by his argument) is likely to position/ convey his/her  readers that their lives are at stake with Trump as the president. Thus, the writer also appeals to the patriotic readers to act before their country is tarnished It would be better if you merge the previous sentence with this one, as you have already mentioned the affect (or effect?  :o)  on his readers in the previous sentence  . Shifting to a hopeful tone, the writer discourages this doesn't make sensereaders who have not been affected by this “idiocy” to not accept Trump’s flawed thinking. By flattering them of having a “working brain”, reader may feel that they are decent and support the writer This sentence seem quite clunky- How does the writer saying that the reader has a "working brain" make them support the writer? You need to explain this in more depth.  . Overall, the writer condemns the ““Trump phenomenon” and uses various devices again, mention the arguments, not the devices to highlight the foolish danger Trump supporters have gotten America into.

Some points I would like to share.
- Don't mention the devices used by the writer, instead explain how his arguments (+ tone) effect the reader (and in what way).
- You shouldn't imply that all the readers are effected by the writer's argument.
« Last Edit: January 26, 2017, 05:51:09 pm by Syndicate »
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