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Author Topic: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)  (Read 600336 times)

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jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #825 on: January 16, 2017, 11:02:56 pm »
Thank you for your feedback :D I've tried to write another practise response. Could I please get feedback on it as well? :)

Sure! ;D

Response
Q2. Identify three codes and/or conventions used in Text 2 and explain how these shape social perceptions of motherhood.

The print advertisement ‘Text 2’ for an advertising campaign utilizes a combination of conventions such as composition, body language and the technical convention of lighting to shape the social perceptions of motherhood.What social perceptions have been shaped? This isn't really providing your interpretation of the question. The effective combination of these techniques allows the advertisement to craft an image that echoes the social perception that a mother’s life revolves solely around their child. THIS should be blended with that first sentence to create a more well rounded introductory sentence. By placing the child in the central portion of the advertisement, the composition highlights how children are the focus and main priority of mothers. Good! You could say the child is the 'salient image.' The importance of the mother in ‘Text 2’ is further questioned by the placement of half of her body out of the frame to imply that her presence is not necessary and ultimately overshadowed. This effective placement of the two characters in ‘Text 2’ is further emphasised by how dim shadows are placed on the mother to imply that she is in the dark whilst the child is placed under bright lighting as the centre of attention. You could express this a little better - Try nominalisation, "the dim placement of shadows on the mother" in place of what you have written. This turns the verb into a noun and makes things a little more streamlined. Ultimately, the contrast created through the use of lighting directs the attention of the audience towards the child while simultaneously conveysing how a mother’s life revolves around her child. In addition, the way the mother’s gaze is focused directly at her child and her body language further enhances the importance of her child in her eyes. Use the term 'vector lines' here. These codes and conventions used in ‘Text 2’ work collaboratively to shape the social perception of motherhood that children are the main focus and priority of mothers.

I think this response is effective! I do think that you could trim words and add more ideas though - Really you only talked about three techniques here. Placement, lighting and vector lines. Right now you are taking five sentences to do this - You could get it down to three or four. Basically, it seems like you are spending more time than you need to discussing a single textual reference. You could make your response more powerful by streamlining your response and having one textual reference per sentence. One sentence on how the placement affects our social perception. One sentence on lighting. Etc ;D

Beyond that, ensure you are really smashing home this idea of how perceptions are altered - This will require a lot of reference to your audience ;D

anotherworld2b

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #826 on: January 16, 2017, 11:15:00 pm »
Oh okay :D I had a feeling I was lacking in talking about the effect on the audience. But how can I 'smash home this idea of how perceptions are altered?'  Do I just constantly refer to the effect on the audience?
Thank you for your feedback I really appreciate it :)

Sure! ;D

Response
Q2. Identify three codes and/or conventions used in Text 2 and explain how these shape social perceptions of motherhood.

The print advertisement ‘Text 2’ for an advertising campaign utilizes a combination of conventions such as composition, body language and the technical convention of lighting to shape the social perceptions of motherhood.What social perceptions have been shaped? This isn't really providing your interpretation of the question. The effective combination of these techniques allows the advertisement to craft an image that echoes the social perception that a mother’s life revolves solely around their child. THIS should be blended with that first sentence to create a more well rounded introductory sentence. By placing the child in the central portion of the advertisement, the composition highlights how children are the focus and main priority of mothers. Good! You could say the child is the 'salient image.' The importance of the mother in ‘Text 2’ is further questioned by the placement of half of her body out of the frame to imply that her presence is not necessary and ultimately overshadowed. This effective placement of the two characters in ‘Text 2’ is further emphasised by how dim shadows are placed on the mother to imply that she is in the dark whilst the child is placed under bright lighting as the centre of attention. You could express this a little better - Try nominalisation, "the dim placement of shadows on the mother" in place of what you have written. This turns the verb into a noun and makes things a little more streamlined. Ultimately, the contrast created through the use of lighting directs the attention of the audience towards the child while simultaneously conveysing how a mother’s life revolves around her child. In addition, the way the mother’s gaze is focused directly at her child and her body language further enhances the importance of her child in her eyes. Use the term 'vector lines' here. These codes and conventions used in ‘Text 2’ work collaboratively to shape the social perception of motherhood that children are the main focus and priority of mothers.

I think this response is effective! I do think that you could trim words and add more ideas though - Really you only talked about three techniques here. Placement, lighting and vector lines. Right now you are taking five sentences to do this - You could get it down to three or four. Basically, it seems like you are spending more time than you need to discussing a single textual reference. You could make your response more powerful by streamlining your response and having one textual reference per sentence. One sentence on how the placement affects our social perception. One sentence on lighting. Etc ;D

Beyond that, ensure you are really smashing home this idea of how perceptions are altered - This will require a lot of reference to your audience ;D
« Last Edit: January 16, 2017, 11:18:11 pm by anotherworld2b »

anotherworld2b

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #827 on: January 18, 2017, 06:00:55 pm »
I edited my response to question 2. Hopefully it is better :)

Response
I was a bit unsure how to 'smash home this idea of how perceptions are altered'
« Last Edit: January 31, 2017, 12:49:35 am by anotherworld2b »

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #828 on: January 19, 2017, 02:19:33 pm »
I edited my response to question 2. Hopefully it is better :)

Let's see! :)

Response
Q2. Identify three codes and/or conventions used in Text 2 and explain how these shape social perceptions of motherhood.

The print advertisement ‘Text 2’ for an advertising campaign utilizes a combination of conventions such as composition, body language and the technical convention of lighting to shape the social perception that a mother’s life revolves solely around her child. Good starting sentence - Identifies the techniques and explains the perception of motherhood they create. The salient image of the child in the central portion of the advertisement captures the attention of the audience to accentuate the perception that children should be the focus and main priority of mothers. Great. In addition, the dim placement of shadows on the mother and the inclusion of a minor portion of her body in the advertisement enhances the feeling of being unappreciated to the audience despite the love and attention mothers give to their children. Furthermore, the author’s use of contrasting lighting directs attention from the audience to reinforce the perception that children are important while mothers are overshadowed and deemed secondary. Excellent. The author’s use of vector lines encourages the audience to follow the mother’s gaze and body language to the salient image of the child to emphasise that a mother’s life revolves around providing for her child. These codes and conventions used in ‘Text 2’ work collaboratively to shape the social perception of motherhood that children are the main focus and priority of mothers.

Yep, that's excellent. No comments there at all, I think it works wonderfully :) it seems like you are going down a bit of a road that this focus on the children is damaging to the mother, you could explore that a bit more if you wanted to! :)

anotherworld2b

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #829 on: January 20, 2017, 12:54:42 am »
thank you :D

I was wondering for this response you mentioned that I should address the audience a bit more and talk about the creation of a voice for the audience. But I wasn't sure how to do that  :-\

« Last Edit: January 22, 2017, 08:15:27 pm by anotherworld2b »

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #830 on: January 20, 2017, 05:55:09 pm »
thank you :D

I was wondering for this response you mentioned that I should address the audience a bit more and talk about the creation of a voice for the audience. But I wasn't sure how to do that  :-\

Sure! So basically it is a matter of extending your analysis to explore not just what the composer is showing, but what the audience gets from them showing that. So here:

The use of colloquial and plain diction in ‘Quickly they forget I am there,... as though I am invisible’ constructs the mother’s tone of defeat and helplessness to the disrespect she endures from her daughter and her friends.

So that bit in red is you saying what the composer has communicated through their use of technique. Extending to the audience would be acknowledging what this teaches us. You can tell you haven't done that yet because the bit in red is text specific - It mentions characters in the text. Exploring audience impact would be purely conceptual - "thus showing the audience the effects of filial attachment" or something like that.

This doesn't need to be in every sentence. But for super effective analysis, it should appear semi-frequently to show the marker that you acknowledge the fact that your composer is communicating to their audience. It has an effect on the reader - And you need to explore that :)

anotherworld2b

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #831 on: January 20, 2017, 09:15:57 pm »
Oh okay that makes sense :D
Would something like this be correct?
The use of colloquial and plain diction in ‘Quickly they forget I am there,... as though I am invisible’ constructs the mother’s tone of defeat and helplessness to the disrespect she endures from her daughter and her friends.
The author's use of diction positions the audience to feel sympathy by showing the audience that a mother's love is unconditionally devoted to their child.
I was also wondering for some of my responses I tend to use the same sentence starter multiple times (like above).
Would it be better to use a range of different sentence starters? If so how could you do this? I feel limited to using words like 'The' and 'in'


Sure! So basically it is a matter of extending your analysis to explore not just what the composer is showing, but what the audience gets from them showing that. So here:

The use of colloquial and plain diction in ‘Quickly they forget I am there,... as though I am invisible’ constructs the mother’s tone of defeat and helplessness to the disrespect she endures from her daughter and her friends.

So that bit in red is you saying what the composer has communicated through their use of technique. Extending to the audience would be acknowledging what this teaches us. You can tell you haven't done that yet because the bit in red is text specific - It mentions characters in the text. Exploring audience impact would be purely conceptual - "thus showing the audience the effects of filial attachment" or something like that.

This doesn't need to be in every sentence. But for super effective analysis, it should appear semi-frequently to show the marker that you acknowledge the fact that your composer is communicating to their audience. It has an effect on the reader - And you need to explore that :)

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #832 on: January 20, 2017, 11:41:41 pm »
Oh okay that makes sense :D
Would something like this be correct?
The use of colloquial and plain diction in ‘Quickly they forget I am there,... as though I am invisible’ constructs the mother’s tone of defeat and helplessness to the disrespect she endures from her daughter and her friends.
The author's use of diction positions the audience to feel sympathy by showing the audience that a mother's love is unconditionally devoted to their child.
I was also wondering for some of my responses I tend to use the same sentence starter multiple times (like above).
Would it be better to use a range of different sentence starters? If so how could you do this? I feel limited to using words like 'The' and 'in'

Yep, that is exactly the idea! :)

So yes, it is definitely a little better to have a bit of variety in your sentences. A response that is just, "The author ________. The author _______.", that gets old quick. A little tiring for the reader.

That said, I don't think you have an issue with it. You aren't using repetitive openers - The words 'the,' 'this,' - Those sort of words, they inevitably show up at the start of sentences a lot. It's only when you start using them literally 3 or 4 times in a row, or overuse phrase patterns like "the authors use of ______" that it becomes problematic. I don't think you have that problem in my opinion :)

anotherworld2b

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #833 on: January 21, 2017, 01:34:11 am »
I understand now :)
I have another quick question when you explore the effect on the audience how much would you need to talk about? (briefly or more in depth)
Does it depend on the question? if so how could you expand on the effect on the audience?

Yep, that is exactly the idea! :)

So yes, it is definitely a little better to have a bit of variety in your sentences. A response that is just, "The author ________. The author _______.", that gets old quick. A little tiring for the reader.

That said, I don't think you have an issue with it. You aren't using repetitive openers - The words 'the,' 'this,' - Those sort of words, they inevitably show up at the start of sentences a lot. It's only when you start using them literally 3 or 4 times in a row, or overuse phrase patterns like "the authors use of ______" that it becomes problematic. I don't think you have that problem in my opinion :)

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #834 on: January 21, 2017, 10:14:27 am »
I understand now :)
I have another quick question when you explore the effect on the audience how much would you need to talk about? (briefly or more in depth)
Does it depend on the question? if so how could you expand on the effect on the audience?

It definitely depends on the question - But it should always make an appearance! It's important to acknowledge the fact that your text is read by an audience.

The effect on the audience is mainly focused on how their understanding of some theme/concept is altered. However, this can be extended to things like emotional responses, contextual significance - Pretty much any impact you like :)

anotherworld2b

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #835 on: January 22, 2017, 08:16:18 pm »
I understand now :D thank you for your help :)
I've been working on question 3 and was hoping that I could get feedback on it please

Response
« Last Edit: January 31, 2017, 12:49:17 am by anotherworld2b »

elysepopplewell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #836 on: January 24, 2017, 05:25:21 pm »
I understand now :D thank you for your help :)
I've been working on question 3 and was hoping that I could get feedback on it please


In ‘Text 1’ and ‘Text 2’ I'd note the texts by their names unless you've been advised otherwise :) various commendable values and attitudes displayed by mothers are comparable through the use of textual and visual conventions respectively. The author’s effective use of textual conventions of diction and first person plural ‘I’ and ‘My’ in ‘Text 1’ It's so great that you've piggybacked these techniques - great work. Very sophisticated! enhances the value of love and family through the mother’s hard working and devoted attitude towards raising her daughter. Similarly in ‘Text 2’ the author’s use of visual conventions of vector lines and composition conveys these attitudes and values to the audience in a different way. What is the different way? We've said similarly, but then said it's different. We need to show how.

In ‘Text 1’ by Rachel Cusk the use of diction and first person plural assists to convey to the audience that a mother’s love towards her child is unconditional. Rachel Cusk’s use of colloquial, plain diction in ‘My daughter’s friends encounter me in the kitchen… with barely a word of greeting’ creates a strained atmosphere and enhances the audience’s sympathy. because the love her mother has is contrasted with the void environment...something like this to bring in your first two points together. In addition, the use of plain diction and first person plural in ‘I listen to them talk, gleaning knowledge of their world’ delves into the mother’s devoted attitude of wanting to be involved in her daughter’s world despite being treated as though she is ‘invisible’. It gives the audience a glimpse into the real inner of feelings of alienation of the mother in a detailed way while engaging with the audience on a personal level. Furthermore, the use of diction and first person plural in ‘ I tidy up, slowly. I open the windows’ conveys to the audience that despite being treated like a servant assigned to clean up ‘the scene of devastation’ left behind by her daughter and her friends the mother’s attitude of being devoted and hardworking is conveyed to audience. Long sentence here, I'd cut it down. Also, she repeats "I" in the two sentences, I'd talk about this. She puts herself at the forefront. She is the most prominent victim in this, hence the placement of I. Thus showing the audience the effects of a mother’s unconditional love towards her child despite how she is treated unfairly by daughter.

In contrast, the print advertisement ‘Text 2’ utilises the visual conventions of  vector lines and composition to convey a mother’s unconditional love towards her child. How does this contrast? It's not really a direct contrast at all, perhaps you could say that it uses different techniques, because it focuses visually. But I wouldn't really say it's a direct contrast because the comparison isn't clear. The use of vector lines encourages the audience to follow the mother’s gaze and body language to the salient image of the child to emphasise that a mother’s life revolves around providing for her child. Awesome! In addition, the inclusion of only a minor portion of the mother’s body in the advertisement enhances the feeling of being unappreciated to the audience despite the love and attention mothers give to their children. However, the salient image of the child in the central portion of the advertisement captures the attention of the audience to accentuate a mother’s hardworking and devoted attitude towards raising her daughter. Hence, the use of vector lines and composition conveys that a mother's love is unconditionally devoted to their child by engaging the audience on a personal level.

I think this is a really good response, but I would put something more at the end. At the end, I would talk about the fact that the values are the same in both, just presented differently. Like, tie that argument in again. I know you've talked about it throughout, but bring it home at the end so that you can show the marker you are responding to the question again. I wouldn't give it much time, just a sentence or two, just to bring the two texts together to show a cohesive response!
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anotherworld2b

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #837 on: January 24, 2017, 08:00:08 pm »
Thank you for your feedback :D
« Last Edit: January 24, 2017, 08:46:47 pm by anotherworld2b »

anotherworld2b

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #838 on: January 31, 2017, 12:45:38 am »
Hi I'm back :)
Can I please get feedback on my response to this question please?

Spoiler
Q4. The positioning of audience in relation to an idea (or purpose) is often through emotional engagement. Discuss with reference to at least one text you have studied.

In 1963, King’s renowned speech ‘I Have a Dream’ resonated with the emotions of the African American population who called for civil and economic rights at the March of Washington. It was undeniably one of the most memorable moments in American history as one of the largest political rallies for human rights in the United States. King’s use of emotive language, inclusive language and metaphors evoked strong emotional engagement from the audience enhancing its overall impact.

King’s use of powerful emotive language throughout his speech enables him to accentuate its effect on the audience through emotional engagement. The use of emotive language in ‘sweltering summer of the Negro’s legitimate discontent’ adds emphasis by evoking a strong emotional response from the audience to encourage acknowledgement towards the injustice suffered by the African American population. In addition, the use of emotive language such as ‘dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice’ resonates with the African American population and encourages acknowledgement from other Americans towards the need for racial equality. Thus showing that the effective use of emotional language can strongly emphasise the impact of King’s speech by evoking strong emotional response so as to force agreement from the reader.

In addition, King’s use of inclusive language enhanced the mid 20th century zeitgeist of racism, segregation and discrimination inflicted on the ‘negroes’. The use of inclusive language in the iconic repetition ‘I have a Dream’ engages the reader by persuading readers to support Martin Luther King’s view. Furthermore, King’s use of inclusive language accentuates the personal appeal created towards the audience by evoking shame and guilt. Through the effective use of inclusive language King is able to position towards accepting his view through emotional engagement.

Furthermore, King’s use of simile allows vibrant imageries to crafted in the minds of the audience to accentuated the impact of King’s speech. Through the use of metaphors such as ‘a beacon light of hope’ reinforces a point without repetition. The use of metaphors such as ‘joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity’ engages the reader highlighting the point that action against racism, segregation and discrimination must be taken.

 Hence, the impact of King’s ‘I have a Dream’ speech being embodiment of the African American population's demand for the ‘unalienable rights of life’ promised with the signing of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence was enhanced by emotional engagement.

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #839 on: February 02, 2017, 10:56:56 pm »
Hi I'm back :)
Can I please get feedback on my response to this question please?

Sure thing :)

Spoiler
Q4. The positioning of audience in relation to an idea (or purpose) is often through emotional engagement. Discuss with reference to at least one text you have studied.

In 1963, King’s renowned speech ‘I Have a Dream’ resonated with the emotions of the African American population who called for civil and economic rights at the March of Washington. Use the full name of a composer the first time you use it - Just a convention. It was undeniably one of the most memorable moments in American history as one of the largest political rallies for human rights in the United States. Irrelevant info without linking it to emotional engagement. King’s use of emotive language, inclusive language and metaphors evoked strong emotional engagement from the audience enhancing its overall impact. Good intro - But I'm still looking for a bit more clarification on how an audience is positioned to view an idea through emotional engagement (the question). This means, how does the composer use emotion to get the audience to agree with them? Some stronger links between the civil/economic rights and the emotional engagement is needed.

King’s use of powerful emotive language throughout his speech enables him to accentuate its effect on the audience through emotional engagement. Nice simple start. The use of emotive language in ‘sweltering summer of the Negro’s legitimate discontent’ adds emphasis by evoking a strong emotional response from the audience to encourage acknowledgement towards the injustice suffered by the African American population. In addition, the use of emotive language such as ‘dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice’ resonates with the African American population and encourages acknowledgement from other Americans towards the need for racial equality. Thus showing that the effective use of emotional language can strongly emphasise the impact of King’s speech by evoking strong emotional response so as to force agreement from the reader. Having a whole paragraph on a single technique seems very strange and a little pointless to me - You could do this whole paragraph in two sentences otherwise. Did your teacher suggest this structure of 'per technique'? Just wary on saying not to do it, I don't know WACE very well :)

In addition, King’s use of inclusive language enhanced the mid 20th century zeitgeist of racism, segregation and discrimination inflicted on the ‘negroes’. Be sure to link to emotional engagement in every first sentence. The use of inclusive language in the iconic repetition ‘I have a Dream’ engages the reader by persuading readers to support Martin Luther King’s view. Furthermore, King’s use of inclusive language accentuates the personal appeal created towards the audience by evoking shame and guilt. Nice analysis in this paragraph! Nice consideration of audience impact. Through the effective use of inclusive language King is able to position towards accepting his view through emotional engagement.

Furthermore, King’s use of simile allows vibrant imageries to crafted in the minds of the audience to accentuated the impact of King’s speech. Again, link to emotional impact. Through the use of metaphors such as ‘a beacon light of hope’ reinforces a point without repetition. The use of metaphors such as ‘joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity’ engages the reader highlighting the point that action against racism, segregation and discrimination must be taken. Ensure all your paragraphs have a proper conclusion - Again, just a structural convention to keep things organised.

Hence, the impact of King’s ‘I have a Dream’ speech being embodiment of the African American population's demand for the ‘unalienable rights of life’ promised with the signing of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence was enhanced by emotional engagement.

So your analysis/ideas are good here, but I'm a little thrown by the structure. You've structured it like an essay, but you don't have that much to discuss. This leads to short paragraphs that would probably be better off as sentences in a larger paragraph. The way it is now, your ideas are better expressed as one single, long, but super effective paragraph.

So either you need to consolidate these ideas into a single paragraph, OR you need more to discuss. I'm not sure which because I have no clue how much would be expected in WACE for this question. Given its part of a bundle, I wager this is a short answer question?