Compilation of Context Feedback

[Sapphire]

For eclipse:

Here you go - on the whole it was very good. I've mostly commented on the things I thought could be improved, so obviously there are plenty of great bits as well.

Wow Patches, that's some really, really great and detailed feedback, much appreciated! Good to hear back from somebody to knows Leunig so well.

Wow. Very nice piece. I'm impressed; your writing is really nice, you captured Leunig really well. So, I'm assuming you probably connected to the text and I think potentially to the context. Seems like there's a lack of attention to the prompt though. I'm not sure, again, I'm not very good with C&P at all, but this was a lovely piece to read.

Thanks for the feedback Brenden!

I'll take it all into account while I re-draft now guys

[massachusetts8]

Hey there, anyone with free time please care to give me some feedback on this expository-creative piece? Context is whose reality.

We can evade reality but we cannot avoid the consequences of doing so.

This review is featured in the Good Weekend magazine for an audience of regular readers and VCE English students.
                                                  The Loman tragedy is reborn.
It’s heartening to see the reprise of Death of a Salesman in Melbourne’s State Theatre. This iconic play written by Arthur Miller in 1949 condemns the cost of blind faith in societal values such as the American Dream, which values material success above every other human endeavour. Based on Miller’s personal experiences, the play also highlights the perils of escaping our harsh realities and suggests that even celebrities are not impervious to the malaise. Although written more than half a century ago, the drama is as fresh and meaningful today as it ever was.

Willy Loman is a delusional man, living in a self-constructed world of illusions. This middle-aged salesman, played superbly by rising star Nathaniel Shmocks, cannot accept his failure as a salesman and tries to maintain the facade of success by borrowing money and exploiting the good will of his neighbour Charley. As Willy ages he can no longer sustain the illusion of success and he takes the ultimate escape from which there is no return.

So why is the play as meaningful today as it was in the 1950’s? It depicts the typical flaws of human beings to escape into a world of fantasy to avoid the harsh world. As we sit in our offices or school desks mulling over the financial review or calculus formulae, it is more reassuring to imagine ourselves travelling the world, flying first class and being pampered in luxurious hotels. There is nothing wrong with this fleeting flight of fancy however for some individuals the line between reality and fantasy becomes blurred. Poor Willy, he remained trapped in the past hallucinating about happier times with his sons Biff and Happy who are played by brothers Josh and John Groban. Moreover, he indulged himself in conversations with his much more successful brother Ben and was unwilling to face the reality that he was a literal Lo-man. The consequences of his stubborn reluctance to face reality affect both his family and himself. Biff tries to make Willy wake up from his illusions however only adds to Willy’s tragedy. Happy is ironically unhappy in his meaningless existence as a junior clerk and follows in his father’s footsteps as he tries to be “well-liked.” Finally Linda, she is naive and unaware about her husband’s other mistress and is subjected to constant berating from Willy to stop mending stockings as the action reminds him of his own failures in respecting his wife. Thus Willy’s illusions become intertwined with his reality and he cannot evade the effects of his inability to accept the cold slap in the face from the world around him.

Death of a Salesman resonates with many of us today. We only have to look at the demise of our sports heroes to see that no-one is immune to avoiding reality without foreseeing the consequences of their actions. It’s understandable to take the easy way out and completely lose sight of waht is real by convincing ourselves that our dreams are actually reality. Such was the case of former professional road racing cyclist, Lance Armstrong, whose fall from grace still streams through the headlines of today. Winning seven consecutive records in the Tour de France, battling a malignant testicular cancer and founding the Livestrong Foundation for which he has raised millions to help cancer sufferers, Armstrong seemed to have it all. Rumours began to surface that he was using performance-enhancing drugs during his career of which Armstrong aggressively denied. Then in June 2012, the crunch kicked in when the U.S Anti-Doping Agency stripped Armstrong of all his titles and banned him from cycling for life after the truth was revealed. With all this denial and secrecy, Armstrong’s self-constructed reality exploded and his illusion that his power and fame as cyclist would blind everyone from the truth deceived him. It’s almost as if he had convinced himself to think that he was not lying. This indoctrination safeguarded him for almost a year until he decided to grow some courage and profess guilty to the charges against him in January of this year. He could no longer maintain the facade of lies he had created. Fortunately he did not share the same fate as Willy, however Armstrong now has nothing left of his former glory and wastes his days having failed to run away from reality.

Nevertheless when we individuals take realities such as those depicted by the media at face value, we can be led astray. The media represents our portal to world news however more often than not the information is presented with a bias that influences a whole society to think alike. Although individuals do not seek to avoid the reality presented by the media, drastic consequences may still arouse. Just as Willy Loman was influenced by the corrupted American Dream and went in pursuit of hedonistic pleasure, many individuals around the world adopt the mainstream view of reality leading to dramatic consequences such as social dichotomies. “9/11” – that terrible day in 2001 is remembered for the graphical and heartbreaking images of the attack on New York’s World Trade Centre. As it was revealed that the massacre was caused by a group of nineteen fundamentalist Muslims under the name Al-Qaeda, the majority of humans began to share a common viewpoint that all Muslims were terrorists. Racism, discrimination, distrust and hatred began to circulate and have not stopped today. Following days of the attack, one Sikh man was killed for the suspect activity of wearing a turban while a Coptic Christian storekeeper was killed for being Egyptian. The fear and paranoia towards Muslims still continues today and emulates the way in which there are detrimental consequences when humans accept reality at face value.

Who would have thought a 1949 play would resonate so profoundly to the modern era? Too often we indulge in our fantasies to avoid reality but become blind to the effects that this action has on ourselves and those around us. Inevitably our reality catches up to us, even to our heroes who falsely believe their fame can save themselves. While it is okay to have the occasional daydream, in order to avoid reality, Willy Loman teaches us that accepting reality as portrayed by the media can lead to our peril and create great social divides. We must not heed the lessons of Death of a Salesman which is currently showing at the Melbourne State Theatre with tickets available at the entrance office.

[Alwin]

Hey there, anyone with free time please care to give me some feedback on this expository-creative piece? Context is whose reality.

We can evade reality but we cannot avoid the consequences of doing so.

This review is featured in the Good Weekend magazine for an audience of regular readers and VCE English students. Okay.
                                                  The Loman tragedy is reborn.
It’s heartening to see the reprise of Death of a Salesman in Melbourne’s State Theatre. This iconic play written by Arthur Miller in 1949 condemns the cost of blind faith in societal values such as the American Dream, which values material success above every other human endeavour. Based on Miller’s personal experiences, the play also highlights the perils of escaping our harsh realities and suggests that even celebrities are not impervious to the malaise. Although written more than half a century ago, the drama is as fresh and meaningful today as it ever was. Good link to the text and alludes to the prompt

Willy Loman is a delusional man, living in a self-constructed world of illusions. This middle-aged salesman, played superbly by rising star Nathaniel Shmocks, cannot accept his failure as a salesman and tries to maintain the facade of success by borrowing money and exploiting the good will of his neighbour Charley. As Willy ages he can no longer sustain the illusion of success and he takes the ultimate escape from which there is no return. You're retelling the plot here. I understand that you are trying to create a plausible magazine article, but you should have made a stronggg connection with the prompt following your hints in the introduction

So why is the play as meaningful today as it was in the 1950’s? It depicts the typical flaws of human beings to escape into a world of fantasy to avoid the harsh world. As we sit in our offices or school desks mulling over the financial review or calculus formulae, it is more reassuring to imagine ourselves travelling the world, flying first class and being pampered in luxurious hotels. There is nothing wrong with this fleeting flight of fancy however for some individuals the line between reality and fantasy becomes blurred. Poor Willy, he remained trapped in the past hallucinating about happier times with his sons Biff and Happy who are played by brothers Josh and John Groban. Moreover, he indulged himself in conversations with his much more successful brother Ben and was unwilling to face the reality that he was a literal Lo-man. The consequences of his stubborn reluctance to face reality affect both his family and himself. Biff tries to make Willy wake up from his illusions however this only adds to Willy’s tragedy. Happy is ironically unhappy is he? evidence? in his meaningless existence as a junior clerk and follows in his father’s footsteps as he tries to be “well-liked.” Finally Linda, she is naive and unaware about her husband’s other mistress and is subjected to constant berating from Willy to stop mending stockings as the action reminds him of his own failures in respecting his wife. Thus this word should be omitted imho, sounds like you're writing a formal essay rather than a magazine article. Willy’s illusions become intertwined with his reality and he cannot evade the effects of his inability to accept the cold slap in the face from the world around him.

Death of a Salesman resonates with many of us today. We only have to look at the demise of our sports heroes to see that no-one is immune to avoiding reality without foreseeing the consequences of their actions. Good. It’s understandable to take the easy way out and completely lose sight of what is real by convincing ourselves that our dreams are actually reality. Such was the case of former professional road racing cyclist, Lance Armstrong, whose fall from grace still streams through the headlines of today. Winning seven consecutive records in the Tour de France, battling a malignant testicular cancer and founding the Livestrong Foundation for which he has raised millions to help cancer sufferers, Armstrong seemed to have it all. Rumours began to surface that he was using performance-enhancing drugs during his career of which Armstrong aggressively denied. ERM. Your headline is: "The Loman tragedy is reborn" How is this connect to DoS and the Loman tragedy?? Then in June 2012, the crunch kicked in when the U.S Anti-Doping Agency stripped Armstrong of all his titles and banned him from cycling for life after the truth was revealed. With all this denial and secrecy, Armstrong’s self-constructed reality exploded and his illusion that his power and fame as cyclist would blind everyone from the truth deceived him. It’s almost as if he had convinced himself to think that he was not lying. This indoctrination safeguarded him for almost a year until he decided to grow some courage and profess guilty to the charges against him in January of this year. He could no longer maintain the facade of lies he had created. Okay. interesting point. Fortunately he did not share the same fate as Willy, however Armstrong now has nothing left of his former glory and wastes his days having failed to run away from reality. Now I kinda see the relation to your headline... a bit

Nevertheless when we individuals take realities such as those depicted by the media at face value, we can be led astray. The media represents our portal to world news however more often than not the information is presented with a bias that influences a whole society to think alike. Although individuals do not seek to avoid the reality presented by the media, drastic consequences may still arouse. Okay Just as Willy Loman was influenced by the corrupted American Dream and went in pursuit of hedonistic pleasure, many individuals around the world adopt the mainstream view of reality leading to dramatic consequences such as social dichotomies. “9/11” – that terrible day in 2001 is remembered for the graphical and heartbreaking images of the attack on New York’s World Trade Centre. good As it was revealed that the massacre was caused by a group of nineteen fundamentalist Muslims under the name Al-Qaeda, the majority of humans began to share a common viewpoint that all Muslims were terrorists. Racism, discrimination, distrust and hatred began to circulate and have not stopped today. Following days of the attack, one Sikh man was killed for the suspect activity of wearing a turban while a Coptic Christian storekeeper was killed for being Egyptian. The fear and paranoia towards Muslims still continues today and emulates the way in which there are detrimental consequences when humans accept reality at face value. Link it back to the headline? You're writing a magazine piece remember!

Who would have thought a 1949 play would resonate so profoundly to the modern era? link with headline of the piece. Tick. Too often we indulge in our fantasies to avoid reality but become blind to the effects that this action has on ourselves and those around us. Inevitably our reality catches up to us, even to our heroes who falsely believe their fame can save themselves. While it is okay to have the occasional daydream, in order to avoid reality, Willy Loman teaches us that accepting reality as portrayed by the media can lead to our peril and create great social divides. We must not heed the lessons of Death of a Salesman which is currently showing at the Melbourne State Theatre with tickets available at the entrance office.

Okay, so there's a couple things that I would change about this:
1. What kind of magazine is aimed at VCE English students? It's a bit of a stretch as you said "Good Weekend" magazine
2. Write in the context of your piece. It reads a bit like an essay sorry, with a changed intro and conclusion
3. Look at your headline... It suggests that you are reporting on a tragedy in recent news
4. You mention that DoS is opening in Melb's State Theatre... and? are you a critic of the play? did you watch the play?
5. Consider your audience of "regular readers". Are they interested in reality vs fantasy?

Overall a piece with plenty of potential, just need to concentrate on your form + audience + context the piece is published in.

I wish you all the best with the exam tomorrow! =D